There’s nothing quite like the feeling of believe that you have it all at 24 I really felt like I did. I’d found a guy who actually liked me, we’d been together for a few years, we’d traveled together, we’d have bought a house together but when it all comes tumbling down around you, you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. I went out with the only man I’ve ever been in a relationship with for three & a half years before he broke my heart, waking up one day & saying ‘he can’t do this anymore’. I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered being that he couldn’t tell me that he loved me. He said that he’d said it too much & wasn’t going to say it again until his wedding day, why did I actually stay with this guy for so long?
As my first boyfriend, it was hard for me to let go, we did almost break up twice when we got back from our overseas trip & about a year before we actually broke up, I am not sure why I held onto him for so long or fought for him, but I think there is something to be said about waiting till your older to fall in love. I was 22 when we started going out & 25 when we broke up, I think that if I had of fallen in love before when I was younger my first break up might not have hit me so hard, even affecting me well into my 30’s. There is something to be said about young love.
Of course when things are going well for me almost a year after we broke up, I check my emails finding the email I’d been waiting for from the Canadian Embassy with my approved working visa when my phone beeps with a text message, I’m so excited, I can’t wait to tell whoever it is that I am officially going to Canada, but it’s a number that isn’t saved in my phone, the number looks familiar, I check my old phone contact list & my heart drops in my chest, it’s him! The ex-boyfriend “Hey how you going, what’s happening?” It’s like he had a sixth sense, “She might finally be over me & happy, so I’ll walk back in & shit all over it!”
My head didn’t want to see him, but my heart came back to life at the thought that maybe he wanted me back. The rational side of me thought, I will not take him back but the other side of me that still ached for him, it made me excited with the prospect of getting him back. I dreamed up fantasy scenarios of us meeting in a coffee shop, he’d be sitting as I walked in, he’d look a little ragged, like he’d had a tough year without me but I would somehow look amazing, great clothes, hair perfect, face beautiful & he’d stand up as I approached, kissing me on the cheek we’d sit down & he’d sigh saying how beautiful I look, how much he missed me & that he loved me. Finally the words I’d wanted to hear for the last four & a half years, he’d say them & I’d melt, we’d have coffee while holding hands. STUPID!
It turns out that he wanted to catch up to tell me that he was moving interstate, why would I care? I kick my own butt for wanting to even catch up with him. What is so wrong with me?
UPDATE: He is now married, while I’m still on the single round-a-bout from hell.