Noodle’s replies to my emails get shorter & shorter… I know he wants to stop talking to me, but while I have the timeline, he will keep talking to me. I wish he knew me better, but obviously neither of us are thinking clearly. I wish he knew that I would never use that against him. I know I said in my email that I would, but I would’ve done something ages ago before he hurt me if I really wanted to be vindictive.
He tells me that he’s very sorry for how it went done & that I never got a proper goodbye because we weren’t together. –Fuck that annoys me, he was the one who told me that he now considers me an ex-girlfriend, but now he tells me we were never together… Make up your fucking mind Noodle!
He says “That hurts reading that you were going to unpack my stuff and given me a draw. I can tell you with the bottom of my heart it wasn’t easy for me to ghost you or take my stuff .” At least that hurt him to see that I had moved his stuff, I was so excited to live with this guy “I never thought you’d fall so hard for me . I never tried to hurt you ever . I always assumed you were so strong & never expected you to cry for me ever . You’ve always presented yourself as a strong single chick & that always scared me . You always come across as a heart made of stone. I assumed you could replace me very quickly & assumed you’d move on quickly.”
He tells me that she doesn’t know he’s emailing me & begs me not to tell anyone, which I haven’t. I have learned my lesson with that – but I think he should tell her! He says that he denied everything that his partner was told but it kept going over & over in her head till he cracked & told her the truth & she walked out. I guess that’s when he started messaging me, I wonder if I replied straight away if we’d be together? I can’t think like that… He was never going to leave her & she’s taken him back now, so she’s willing to forgive a million lies.
He says he didn’t know I had a new chat app account when he sent the STI messages & apologises for coming across like a asshole. He thought I wasn’t using the anonymous app & when he realised that I was, he’d deleted his posts because he didn’t want to upset me.
He has a go at me for telling the cops he has guns, tells me that there’s a lot I don’t know about him & he thinks that we would of struggled with different interests that he kept hidden from me because he didn’t want to look like a loser as he thinks I’m this super cool sexy chick that everyone wants… I think that he forgets that I’ve told him so many times that I have never been cool in all my life until I got on this chat app. I mean I’ve been single for like 10 years at this point, I can’t be that sexy or cool if no man wants to be with me!? He says that he loves guns, watches wrestling (which I already knew), that he watches a lot of animation TV shows, he even tells me he has a Facebook page that has a lot of followers that is all about 90’s nostalgia. (I stalk Facebook for days trying to find it, but I can’t…). I pretty much knew all of that from things he’d said over the year & none of it mattered to me. He says “I’m a lonely fucker that fell for a sexy ass chick . I’m not outgoing & very shy. You would of realized the mistake you made when you got to see me outside my online personality which is my personality with its volume dialed up a bit.” He blames his kids being a burden to me & his debt… I fucking hate when he does that. He apologises again & says he never wanted to cause me drama.
I spend ages agonising over my replies to him, I think his are just a quick rushed replies when he can in the morning while she’s asleep. They’re getting less & less wordy… I am hating that, knowing that we are coming to the end of this, we are going to stop, he is going to stop replying soon… I mean he should, we should. This isn’t a good idea, but I fucking love this man so much that I want to talk to him every day, I hated not talking to him every day.
I reply saying that of course his untrimmed pubes were never a problem, I was just pointing out that I put up with a lot of stuff from him including being hidden for a year & only seeing him & chatting to him on his terms, I did a lot for him & he treated me like shit… Twice, acting like I don’t even matter! He had said that he didn’t expect me to reply straight away, but of course he did, when I didn’t reply he tried to salvage his relationship! It hurts to think that perhaps if I did write back, I’d be with him right now or would it still end with me & he’d go back to her once she realised he was with me? Would I even have the life I dreamed of with him, now that she knows about me? I don’t think so… I don’t think she’ll ever let us be happy together, even if she is happy with someone else herself. She will be a toxic ex & will always be in the picture because of their kids…
I am so fucking hurt here though, I am so in love with this man, so devastated that I am not going to be spending the rest of my life with him & he’s saying to me that we weren’t even together?! “The fact that you say “we were never together” yet you said you love me & also now consider me as ex girlfriend… To me I did deserve something better than you secretly contacting me on the anonymous app saying she’s got your phone don’t contact you & then only hearing from you again when you decided to snap at me. I mean fuck Noodle, take some responsibility for the way you treated me & just once realise that you should’ve done more to try to end it with me in a better way, rather than ghosting me. I could’ve been so crazy & actually ruined your life, I probably still could if I was like that but I actually respect you enough not too do anything. I guess I just didn’t realise you didn’t respect me & think I deserve better…”
I tell him that I cancelled my other gym membership, the one I used with him & I had to delete him from the chat app because his profile picture has his face up & his eyes look so sad, like I can tell that he took that in the car, probably with her because her’s is similar on the other side of the car…
I tell him that I never thought I would fall for him either, I was strong, I never used to cry, now I can’t stop, even 4 months later! I tell him that I have no desire to tell his partner anything, however I tell him that he should tell her the truth about us & also come clean about emailing me. I don’t trust her not to do anything & think he should be honest with her now.
I go through stages of being angry & hurt, I tell him that he should’ve warned me that she was going to log onto his chat app account & pretend to be him, so that I could take my face down… He is lonely because his phone is tracked & I know that he doesn’t have a lot of friends & it’s because she would ask a million questions about who he’s out with.
I remind him that he told me about the wrestling & animated comedy, I actually think it’s fucking cute that he has a Facebook page, I tell him that I tried to find it but couldn’t. I mean would I have even liked it anyway? I think different interests would be good, I mean I don’t think that he would enjoy kayaking because he wouldn’t want to look stupid to me, but that’s ok, he didn’t have to come with me, “If our different interests were a problem, it would’ve been difficult when we started hanging out on Tuesday nights or when we went to lunch or when we were driving in the car. It wasn’t. The conversation always flowed...” There are things he doesn’t know about me either, I mean he doesn’t know I write or have this blog (he probably wouldn’t be speaking to me if he did!) He was everything I wanted, I always grinned like a Cheshire cat when he defended my honor with men in the groups.
I know that this isn’t the end, it doesn’t feel finished & I wonder if that because he never gives me a proper goodbye? We don’t even get to see each other & finish it. “You keep saying things like your kids are a burden (You still seem to forget I want kids in my life, just not my own!), that you have no money & you’re holding me back. But never once have I used those things against you as the reasons not to be with you, as you have me.” I hate that he’s using things against me… I know I will defend him, I mean I love this man, I want to be with him. Of course I am going to defend him, but I also fucking hate that I do.
His reply almost starting off that his pubes are trimmed for the first time in months, guts me… Clearly he’s trimmed them for sex with her or another person or whatever the fuck he is doing! I feel like he’s trying to hurt me to push me away because he says “You were the other woman & being treated like Shit was never the intention.” He also says that he would’ve liked a reply within 4 hours. I mean I replied within 2 hours of his last message & I knew that if I did reply he’d ignore it, so I regretted replying at all!
“I do respect you & I’m sorry you never got a proper goodbye . You have to consider the circumstances & I really wanted you to hate me & give you the space & the reasons to get over me.” I wish that I could get over him, but I am starting to realise that clearly I loved him more than he loved me. This was an actual epic love story for me & not for him, because he always had her, because how can he even think that I will get over him that easily?
He says that he felt bad that I put his stuff away & that he thought it was cute, he didn’t realise how much I wanted to live with him or his kids, but he says that it was good to see what I was like with his kids that day & he did imagine our lives together.
A friend has asked me what this guy has that his partner & I won’t leave him alone & are making him make the decision, “I ask myself the same question all the time , what did you see me in me, what does she see in me . She can’t give me answer & it seems like you can’t either. I’m actual shit at everything , I’m the worse handyman ever, terrible at gardening , I don’t even think I have a good personality, I’m a total loser & I’m not even funny. I am literally the most useless man partner in the world (think of Homer Simpson).” I don’t agree with that of course, he always has low self esteem but I am also getting to a point where I am sick & tired of pumping up his ego.
He tells me that his partner thinks about me all the time & it hurts her that we were in love & had chemistry. He says he should’ve been honest but was trying to make it easier on her. He says that he’s tried to look me up on Facebook but he couldn’t find me either! He says that she logged into his chat app account by accident, so he couldn’t warn me to take my picture down. But he says that she won’t do anything now, she would’ve done it already. The kids came into her mind when she gets angry & it stops her from coming after me. I guess that’s one good thing!
“It hurts me our friendship had to end & don’t think I don’t miss it. I thank you for not being a crazy bitch & respecting me.” If only I had the same respect!
Surprisingly he says that he never got that final email, that’s in the blackmail document (Fuck I that that he’s calling it that!) but he says that we shouldn’t be emailing & that they’ve both left the chat app & that he wants me to get on with my life. But he’s surprised that I still feel the same way about him & that I miss him so much. Well he was my fucking best friend, I miss talking to my best friend more than anything!