Marlborough

Marlborough was one of the first guys I ever met up with from online. We texted & chatted on the phone for about an hour, I remember him saying ‘how easy it was to talk to me’. We met for coffee & a movie, he was quite late, but text me that he was stuck in traffic so I bought my hot chocolate so I wasn’t sitting there like a loser. He showed up (thank god) & the date went well, we were laughing easily over the selection in the candy bar. He paid for the movie which was sweet, I tried to pay for the candy bar selection but wasn’t allowed to do that either. At the end of the movie, he suggested another coffee which he paid for, during which he tried to set up another date for Thursday but I couldn’t commit as I wasn’t sure what I was doing (this was before electronic diaries!) but I said I wanted to & we would work out a time.

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, kissing me properly goodbye, my first proper kiss in a really long time & by the time I got home, he’d texted to make sure I got home safe & to let me know he had a good night, making me swoon in the process. I actually really liked this guy & I really think he likes me, this could be it! He is really everything I am looking for.

Marlborough texted a little & we arranged “to do something” one night after work, as no plans were set in stone, when I hadn’t heard from him on the Wednesday, I texted with no response, but because we’d talked about the possibility of Thursday night, I got ready early in the morning for a date for that evening, knowing I wouldn’t have time to get home & back down the hill. I again texted on Thursday about lunch time to start to arrange this date & starting to feel a little needy but still no response. I felt like crying at 5pm when I got in my car to drive home alone, but halfway up the expressway, he calls, I can’t answer while driving, so I let it go to voice mail. I listened when I got home, He said “sorry blah blah blah, I left my phone at my mum’s on Wednesday night, she lives far away so only just got it back now blah blah blah” I text him to let me know when he is free again for this date & I never hear from him again!

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To analyse this guy was quite easy, well according to my friend it was, he was obviously dating me & another girl & things with the other girl went better so he dicked me around while he worked out which one of us he liked better… Great analysis & probably very true but I’m not sure it helps me feel any better! Or is it because I didn’t commit to the second date while we were on the first one? I guess I’ll never know what happened with this one!

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House Arrest

I met ‘House Arrest‘ on a beautiful summer’s night at an outdoor type bar, I was actually feeling good about myself for a change & was practically wearing a piece of underwear as a top but had never felt better when two guys started talking to my friend & I. One was better looking that the other, but the better looking one was so over the top & continually talked about himself while the other one was quite shy. House Arrest was the latter & when he went to the toilet the obnoxious friend asked me for my phone number so he could pass it on to his friend, who had hardly spoken a word to us, I thought it was a weird set up, but reluctantly I agreed, with my friend egging me on.

House Arrest texted the next day & we arranged our first date, I had an idea in my head of where I wanted to go for our first date, I didn’t think that I would end up going for a drink back at the same bar at 5pm, he said he lived close by so it was convenient, yeah for him! If all went well, then I figured dinner would be on the cards, Nope! He had to rush home to cook dinner, I still had a quarter a glass of wine when he stood up looking at me, saying with his eyes ‘I have to go.’ I skulled my wine, thinking ‘What the hell…?’ By the time I got home, he had texted me to say he had fun… Really?

I persevered with this guy, we set up another date, to go to the movies at Marion, which is still close to where he lives, we met for the movie & I thought we’d grab dinner or a coffee afterwards, Nope! He scurried off making some excuse about why he had to be home. Yet still by the time I got home, he’d text me again & said what a great time he’d had. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, so far we’d been on two dates that lasted exactly two hours before he rushed off making an excuse & hadn’t even kissed me.

When he suggested dinner at the same bloody bar for our third date, I kept thinking ‘Dude are you ever going to suggest anywhere else?’ I tried suggesting other places, but he was keen to stay close to when he lived. That third date night, we ate dinner, then he rapidly said he had to go home, being awkward in the car park, not sure if he should kiss me or not, he opted for a kiss on the cheek. Again I got the ‘I had a great time text’ by the time I got home. I just couldn’t figure this guy out, if he really had a great time, why wouldn’t he want them to go on?

We tried to find each other at a German Festival but failed…What is it about that German festival? I never saw him again after that & he didn’t text much either, I didn’t pursue him, it wasn’t until I hashed it out with a friend that I realised we only ever had two hours dates, then he rushed off & they were all only minutes from his house… Was this guy under house arrest? I didn’t stick around to find out!

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Crisp Shirt

After losing some weight & feeling a bit better about myself, I’m at work in a complete man free zone, all of them were married or gay, that I didn’t even think that it would be possible to meet a man in that office. But it all happened so subtly that I didn’t even know anything was happening, Crisp Shirt came over from Canberra to facilitate some training & as I was appointed the subject matter expert in the team, I had to spend the two days he was here with him in the training room.

It all really started when I realised we both had the same phone, now this doesn’t seem like the most amazing thing, but being that everyone had an iPhone, however I am a sworn BlackBerry fan, at this time I had a BlackBerry Torch (a slider Qwerty phone) which I was in love with more than life itself & since he had the same phone & completely hated iPhone & Apple. I just thought it was just a coincidence & was probably the only thing we’d have in common as he was an executive from Canberra & I was just a pleb in Adelaide. I didn’t think too much of our interaction until my friend said she “saw a little glimmer in his eye” after he came into the lunch room & we flirted a little over our BlackBerry. But I still didn’t believe that this CEO looking man could be interested in me.

After Crisp Shirt went back to Canberra I wasn’t surprised to get a ‘Thank you’ type email for all the work I’d done while he was here. I mentioned it to my friend over lunch one say & she giggled like a school girl & brought a gay colleague over & asked him “Did Crisp Shirt ever email you after he was here for your subject matter expert training?” The colleague cracked up laughing “No never!” he shouted “Why, what happened?” To which I went bright red & they read my email from Crisp Shirt. I went bright red because I’d already responded with a ‘good to meet you too’ type response, thinking he’d written one of those emails to all staff who were the Subject Matter Expert for him. OMG.

It didn’t take long for the contact to escalate to daily emails back & forth all day long & before long, I was typing out my mobile phone number via email for him, to which he instantly uses. It’s really fun for a while, I actually liked him even though he was in another state. It wasn’t until the first time it took me 40 mins (as I was driving home from work) to reply to his text, which is when he starts to unravel & show his true colours. He started texting every 2 minutes to find out where I was, why I hadn’t replied, who I was with, what was I doing. None of this made sense to me, it would probably never work between us anyway, he lived in another state why was he being so jealous?

It was about the time that too that he said he’d fly over for my 32nd birthday, I was having a few friends over for drinks & he invited himself & thought that he’d just fly over. If it wasn’t for all the crazy texts earlier in the week, I might have said yes, but was he serious about flying all the way over here to meet my close friends & a few family members when we’d never even been on a date? Where would he stay? At my place? How would I explain that to my family? I let this guy loose after that, I didn’t need a long distance relationship with a dose of paranoia. Crisp Shirt.jpg

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Rom Com

If you’re a single woman, around 30 or any age really, who likes romantic comedies then you probably have made up your own romantic comedy fantasy scene with the perfect guy & imagined it 1000 different ways, how it would go if you ever got the chance, what you would both say & of course it will always end with a happily ever after finale type kiss in the rain. Well I am no different to you! As a self-confessed over thinker I can’t help but play out every scenario in my head & relive it anytime I am bored or alone.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my perfect romantic comedy scenario would become some other woman’s real life story. Why was she so lucky to end up with my romantic comedy? What did she have that I didn’t?

See the story goes I was invited to a wedding overseas, where this single guy would also be attending, but as it got closer to RSVP date, I realised that I’d never be able to afford to go. As one of my friend’s husbands is an unscheduled ‘fly in, fly out’ worker she was worried he’d be away for the wedding & she asked if I would mind being the back up for him & since it was all paid for, she said I didn’t need to worry about the money. Of course my mind goes into overdrive, I imagine that I get the spare ticket, which then makes me plan out how this guy & I are going to get together or how our friends might try to get us together while we’re away.

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It goes like this: as the only single ones there, we seem to stay out the latest at the bar, drinking & laughing, then he’d walk me back to my room but he’d kiss me in the elevator, hot & steamy, he’d say something like ‘you’re so sexy, I want you here’ I’d melt & follow him linked fingers back to his room where we’d have the best sex of my life. He’d wake me up early as the sun was coming up through the windows of sheer curtains blowing in the wind, to more mind blowing sex & he’d be the one to define what is going on between us ‘I don’t want you to be a one night stand IBD4U, but you are sharing a room with my sister’ I’d throw the sheet off in a panic, realising what I’d done, where I was & I’d fumble around for my clothes, while he leans back against the pillows, looking sexy, with the ‘just fucked hair’ look. I’d be the one to want to hide it from our friends for the duration of the trip & for the wedding. (To see where this is going & not wanting them all to make a big deal of it). He’d be the one to chase me when we got home, wanting to take me out on dates & ask me to be his girlfriend… SWOON!

WAKE UP GEOFF!!

Now I’m not sure of the ins & outs of their meeting, but when I heard that they met during the trip, my heart sank. Even though he hasn’t been my crush for a very long time, for some warped reason it reignites my feelings, only now I feel crap because he is happy with her & I’m still single! Now I am thinking what if I saved enough money to go to the wedding? What if I got the spare ticket? What if I was at my goal weight when we first met a few years earlier? But in reality, none of it matters because there was no attraction for him to me so we were never going to work out, yet there will always be a small part of me that wished like hell that he did.

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Batman

I don’t know why but I always reactivate my account again, not willing to give up on finding ‘the one’. I start chatting to Batman & I don’t immediately see it going anywhere, but he gives me his number & after a week of semi flirtatious & sometimes funny texts, which result in his pseudonym Batman, I have to be the one to ask when are we going to catch up, because he just seems to dance around the topic.

The afternoon of the date, we are still planning which local pub we are going to go to (including him calling some of them to find out what is happening there that night) when Batman tells me his mum & her boyfriend are going out so we could go with them. Alarm bells ring for me, does he want me to meet his mother, the first time I meet him? I said if he had plans with his mum then we could meet up another time, but he calls me & I explain that meeting him was enough for the first night, so we stuck with the original plan & we meet at a different pub to where his mum is going.

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The date goes pretty well, I was surprised at some of the topics & opinions he has but I try to keep an open mind & “give him a go” as my friends always say. He told me that I have a ‘strong jaw’ (I think he meant it as a compliment, but I HATE my chin!) We didn’t seem to have much in common but when he kissed me… then it all didn’t matter! I hadn’t been kissed like that in a while & hadn’t slept with anyone since the Travel Agent FOUR years (yes FOUR years!) before that.

We were sitting quietly in the corner of the local almost empty pub with the band blaring in the background, just kissing & it reminded me of how good it felt to be with a guy – I was having a severe drought (mostly self inflicted). He reminded me how good it felt to be wanted by someone. I have always been a sucker for a good kiss.

It was so unlike me to ask a guy back to my place, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before, I’m still not really sure how it all happened. Batman said we were just going to cuddle & believe me, I wish we had of. It was possibly the worst sex of my life – up till then at least! He was quite drunk, I had a few glasses of wine too & the first time is always weird with someone new but he fumbled around with the condom, he didn’t really do any prep work with me, if you know what I mean, before started going at it. He switched positions three times before we both called it quits & went to sleep. However even though he woke me up at 6am, he didn’t seem interested or maybe he was just embarrassed to try again. I felt like a fool & assumed I’d probably never hear from him again, so I kindly offered to drive him home. He kissed me goodbye at his house & said we’d catch up again.

I had told my friends so many times that I didn’t want to ‘wake the beast’ for really shit sex & I really should have taken my own advice. I ended up being incapacitated for a week after that sex – Lucky I didn’t have any men on the go then, I was so sore!

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Speed Dating

Speed Dating… What good can be said about speed dating? Honestly, the reason why I did it, was because after I became single, my sister in law said that she had a single male friend, who might be good for me, but he probably wouldn’t like a blatant set up so she’d organise a party or dinner party to see if we hit it off. Sounded good, I was new to the dating scene in my mid 20’s so that seemed like a great idea. However in the meantime, he went speed dating where he met the woman he is now married too with two kids, I think this was about seven or eight+ years ago now. But at the time, I was so keen that I was going to find my future husband!

Why would I be different? Well that’s because I am me! I feel like I do not make a good first impression, I can’t help my judgey face, I can’t help looking people up & down, this is just who I am, but it’s not meant as a rude gesture it’s just me deciding if I like someone or not. It’s in my nature, I am a woman & a Leo, what more can I say.

So my friend & I signed up thinking, if nothing else, we’d have a few laughs. But before our actual speed dating, the company emailed & said they had some spare spots for another night & would offer my friend & I a free night, so we went along, after all it’s a free drink & food & a night out, so why the hell not!

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The thing about speed dating that you kind of forget, is that it’s 15 mini dates, 15 times you have to tell the same story 15 times & you have to listen to some guy say the same things back to you that you’ve heard before that night. I like long walks on the beach… blah, blah, blah! Then men would rate you a ‘no’ right in front of your face, I couldn’t believe that someone would even fill in their card before you’d even finished speaking. Now complete strangers were hurting my feelings…

Then the next day you wait by your email (email wasn’t on your phone back then!) to see if someone ticked a ‘yes’ or a ‘maybe’ & if you did too then the company would email you their details. There were two men who liked me (wow) & of course, as fate would have it, they also liked my friend too, so then it was a bit awkward. Both were dead ends, we emailed a little then nothing.

We still stupidly went back for more. The second night was no different, although this time I couldn’t be bothered being honest so I lied about what I did for work, sometimes I was a nurse, a doctor, a checkout chick & there was one guy that we ended up just paying each other out the whole time, I can’t remember who started it but he was wearing a Bananas in Pyjamas looking shirt & he said I was wearing something my nanna knitted me. Still I ticked ‘maybe’ to everyone instead of being selective, still the next day when the email pinged, there were only two matches & both didn’t write much back when we did email.

I guess the good thing about going to two speed dating events was that I can cross off, with absolute certainty, of my list of ways to meet eligible men!

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Travel Agent

This is quite a personal story & probably the hardest one to write about!

I was so nervous about meeting ‘Travel Agent‘ so I enlist two friends to go to a bar with me for dinner, drinks and then we’ll meet up with Travel Agent & his friends. When he texts to say he’s coming alone, I think WTF? But I get even more nervous & drink way too much, however he doesn’t seem to notice how smashed I am, so things go reasonably well, my friends like him & we dance a bit. He asks me if I want a drink, then standing at the bar, he kisses me & I end up for the first time in ages, going home with a guy but not before I explain again that I live way down south, he was way out north but he said that was ok & he’d be happy to drop me home. Awww, so sweet!

But the next morning, he starts talking about how long the drive it is & that he wants to watch the cricket… Lying there I feel like a complete fuckwit for believing that he would actually drop me home. So I suggest he drops me at my friend’s house instead, near his house, he jumps at the chance (of course!) but I get to her house, she’s not home & he drives off. So I sit outside of her house on her windowsill like a hooker in last night’s clothes without a shower. My friend can’t take me all the way home, so because I wanted to take a car for a test drive, we go to the city & ask my dad to come pick me up. I felt so shit about myself that I bought a $30k car because some guy made me feel like a cheap bitch.

But of course when he texted to catch up again, my friends told me to “give him a go”, their most spoken phrase to me. So I did, probably because I was so desperate… not as desperate as him though it seems, he told me numerous times how much he wanted to get married & have kids ASAP. Alarm bells started ringing for me, but at the request of my friends, I kept seeing him.

We dated for about 8 weeks, I was house sitting at friends house & he came over but brought a bag but left it in the car in case I didn’t want him to stay (which I liked). I stayed at his house a few times & we went out for dinner a fair bit & now all I can remember about him is that he cut up ALL his food on his plate before he ate it, even if I gave him my left overs, he’d cut it all up before he ate any of it (Kinda like your mum did when you were a CHILD!). Now you may be like my family & say there’s nothing wrong with that, but think about it, if the conversation is that boring that you notice someone cutting up all their food up, then it’s probably time to move on.

I didn’t want to be that shallow, so I saw him again, BIG MISTAKE! The last time I ever saw the Travel Agent was the morning after the night he deceived me. Now this is a bit of a difficult story to tell & I’d love to hear what his side of the story is but as we were getting ready to have sex, he went to put on a condom, stuffing around with the packet for ages then doing the actions of putting it on, we had sex, he then did all the actions to take it off. While in the bathroom right afterwards, I realised that there had been no condom or giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it broke?

As I was leaving in the morning, standing at my car saying goodbye, he tells me that we didn’t use a condom last night. I, of course, already knew this, but couldn’t help but wonder why he would pretend to put one on & off when it hit me, he was so desperate to have kids that I think he may have been trying to get me pregnant, maybe not but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out.

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I was too embarrassed to tell anyone the real reason why I stopped seeing him, that I told people it was because he cut up all his food, so people who don’t know the real me think that I’m shallow but sometimes it’s better to be perceived as shallow than as a person so easily deceived. But now it’s out there… The real reason!

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