Crisp Shirt

After losing some weight & feeling a bit better about myself, I’m at work in a complete man free zone, all of them were married or gay, that I didn’t even think that it would be possible to meet a man in that office. But it all happened so subtly that I didn’t even know anything was happening, Crisp Shirt came over from Canberra to facilitate some training & as I was appointed the subject matter expert in the team, I had to spend the two days he was here with him in the training room.

It all really started when I realised we both had the same phone, now this doesn’t seem like the most amazing thing, but being that everyone had an iPhone, however I am a sworn BlackBerry fan, at this time I had a BlackBerry Torch (a slider Qwerty phone) which I was in love with more than life itself & since he had the same phone & completely hated iPhone & Apple. I just thought it was just a coincidence & was probably the only thing we’d have in common as he was an executive from Canberra & I was just a pleb in Adelaide. I didn’t think too much of our interaction until my friend said she “saw a little glimmer in his eye” after he came into the lunch room & we flirted a little over our BlackBerry. But I still didn’t believe that this CEO looking man could be interested in me.

After Crisp Shirt went back to Canberra I wasn’t surprised to get a ‘Thank you’ type email for all the work I’d done while he was here. I mentioned it to my friend over lunch one say & she giggled like a school girl & brought a gay colleague over & asked him “Did Crisp Shirt ever email you after he was here for your subject matter expert training?” The colleague cracked up laughing “No never!” he shouted “Why, what happened?” To which I went bright red & they read my email from Crisp Shirt. I went bright red because I’d already responded with a ‘good to meet you too’ type response, thinking he’d written one of those emails to all staff who were the Subject Matter Expert for him. OMG.

It didn’t take long for the contact to escalate to daily emails back & forth all day long & before long, I was typing out my mobile phone number via email for him, to which he instantly uses. It’s really fun for a while, I actually liked him even though he was in another state. It wasn’t until the first time it took me 40 mins (as I was driving home from work) to reply to his text, which is when he starts to unravel & show his true colours. He started texting every 2 minutes to find out where I was, why I hadn’t replied, who I was with, what was I doing. None of this made sense to me, it would probably never work between us anyway, he lived in another state why was he being so jealous?

It was about the time that too that he said he’d fly over for my 32nd birthday, I was having a few friends over for drinks & he invited himself & thought that he’d just fly over. If it wasn’t for all the crazy texts earlier in the week, I might have said yes, but was he serious about flying all the way over here to meet my close friends & a few family members when we’d never even been on a date? Where would he stay? At my place? How would I explain that to my family? I let this guy loose after that, I didn’t need a long distance relationship with a dose of paranoia. Crisp Shirt.jpg

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Rom Com

If you’re a single woman, around 30 or any age really, who likes romantic comedies then you probably have made up your own romantic comedy fantasy scene with the perfect guy & imagined it 1000 different ways, how it would go if you ever got the chance, what you would both say & of course it will always end with a happily ever after finale type kiss in the rain. Well I am no different to you! As a self-confessed over thinker I can’t help but play out every scenario in my head & relive it anytime I am bored or alone.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my perfect romantic comedy scenario would become some other woman’s real life story. Why was she so lucky to end up with my romantic comedy? What did she have that I didn’t?

See the story goes I was invited to a wedding overseas, where this single guy would also be attending, but as it got closer to RSVP date, I realised that I’d never be able to afford to go. As one of my friend’s husbands is an unscheduled ‘fly in, fly out’ worker she was worried he’d be away for the wedding & she asked if I would mind being the back up for him & since it was all paid for, she said I didn’t need to worry about the money. Of course my mind goes into overdrive, I imagine that I get the spare ticket, which then makes me plan out how this guy & I are going to get together or how our friends might try to get us together while we’re away.

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It goes like this: as the only single ones there, we seem to stay out the latest at the bar, drinking & laughing, then he’d walk me back to my room but he’d kiss me in the elevator, hot & steamy, he’d say something like ‘you’re so sexy, I want you here’ I’d melt & follow him linked fingers back to his room where we’d have the best sex of my life. He’d wake me up early as the sun was coming up through the windows of sheer curtains blowing in the wind, to more mind blowing sex & he’d be the one to define what is going on between us ‘I don’t want you to be a one night stand IBD4U, but you are sharing a room with my sister’ I’d throw the sheet off in a panic, realising what I’d done, where I was & I’d fumble around for my clothes, while he leans back against the pillows, looking sexy, with the ‘just fucked hair’ look. I’d be the one to want to hide it from our friends for the duration of the trip & for the wedding. (To see where this is going & not wanting them all to make a big deal of it). He’d be the one to chase me when we got home, wanting to take me out on dates & ask me to be his girlfriend… SWOON!

WAKE UP GEOFF!!

Now I’m not sure of the ins & outs of their meeting, but when I heard that they met during the trip, my heart sank. Even though he hasn’t been my crush for a very long time, for some warped reason it reignites my feelings, only now I feel crap because he is happy with her & I’m still single! Now I am thinking what if I saved enough money to go to the wedding? What if I got the spare ticket? What if I was at my goal weight when we first met a few years earlier? But in reality, none of it matters because there was no attraction for him to me so we were never going to work out, yet there will always be a small part of me that wished like hell that he did.

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Batman

I don’t know why but I always reactivate my account again, not willing to give up on finding ‘the one’. I start chatting to Batman & I don’t immediately see it going anywhere, but he gives me his number & after a week of semi flirtatious & sometimes funny texts, which result in his pseudonym Batman, I have to be the one to ask when are we going to catch up, because he just seems to dance around the topic.

The afternoon of the date, we are still planning which local pub we are going to go to (including him calling some of them to find out what is happening there that night) when Batman tells me his mum & her boyfriend are going out so we could go with them. Alarm bells ring for me, does he want me to meet his mother, the first time I meet him? I said if he had plans with his mum then we could meet up another time, but he calls me & I explain that meeting him was enough for the first night, so we stuck with the original plan & we meet at a different pub to where his mum is going.

Batman.jpg

The date goes pretty well, I was surprised at some of the topics & opinions he has but I try to keep an open mind & “give him a go” as my friends always say. He told me that I have a ‘strong jaw’ (I think he meant it as a compliment, but I HATE my chin!) We didn’t seem to have much in common but when he kissed me… then it all didn’t matter! I hadn’t been kissed like that in a while & hadn’t slept with anyone since the Travel Agent FOUR years (yes FOUR years!) before that.

We were sitting quietly in the corner of the local almost empty pub with the band blaring in the background, just kissing & it reminded me of how good it felt to be with a guy – I was having a severe drought (mostly self inflicted). He reminded me how good it felt to be wanted by someone. I have always been a sucker for a good kiss.

It was so unlike me to ask a guy back to my place, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before, I’m still not really sure how it all happened. Batman said we were just going to cuddle & believe me, I wish we had of. It was possibly the worst sex of my life – up till then at least! He was quite drunk, I had a few glasses of wine too & the first time is always weird with someone new but he fumbled around with the condom, he didn’t really do any prep work with me, if you know what I mean, before started going at it. He switched positions three times before we both called it quits & went to sleep. However even though he woke me up at 6am, he didn’t seem interested or maybe he was just embarrassed to try again. I felt like a fool & assumed I’d probably never hear from him again, so I kindly offered to drive him home. He kissed me goodbye at his house & said we’d catch up again.

I had told my friends so many times that I didn’t want to ‘wake the beast’ for really shit sex & I really should have taken my own advice. I ended up being incapacitated for a week after that sex – Lucky I didn’t have any men on the go then, I was so sore!

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Speed Dating

Speed Dating… What good can be said about speed dating? Honestly, the reason why I did it, was because after I became single, my sister in law said that she had a single male friend, who might be good for me, but he probably wouldn’t like a blatant set up so she’d organise a party or dinner party to see if we hit it off. Sounded good, I was new to the dating scene in my mid 20’s so that seemed like a great idea. However in the meantime, he went speed dating where he met the woman he is now married too with two kids, I think this was about seven or eight+ years ago now. But at the time, I was so keen that I was going to find my future husband!

Why would I be different? Well that’s because I am me! I feel like I do not make a good first impression, I can’t help my judgey face, I can’t help looking people up & down, this is just who I am, but it’s not meant as a rude gesture it’s just me deciding if I like someone or not. It’s in my nature, I am a woman & a Leo, what more can I say.

So my friend & I signed up thinking, if nothing else, we’d have a few laughs. But before our actual speed dating, the company emailed & said they had some spare spots for another night & would offer my friend & I a free night, so we went along, after all it’s a free drink & food & a night out, so why the hell not!

Speed Dating.jpg

The thing about speed dating that you kind of forget, is that it’s 15 mini dates, 15 times you have to tell the same story 15 times & you have to listen to some guy say the same things back to you that you’ve heard before that night. I like long walks on the beach… blah, blah, blah! Then men would rate you a ‘no’ right in front of your face, I couldn’t believe that someone would even fill in their card before you’d even finished speaking. Now complete strangers were hurting my feelings…

Then the next day you wait by your email (email wasn’t on your phone back then!) to see if someone ticked a ‘yes’ or a ‘maybe’ & if you did too then the company would email you their details. There were two men who liked me (wow) & of course, as fate would have it, they also liked my friend too, so then it was a bit awkward. Both were dead ends, we emailed a little then nothing.

We still stupidly went back for more. The second night was no different, although this time I couldn’t be bothered being honest so I lied about what I did for work, sometimes I was a nurse, a doctor, a checkout chick & there was one guy that we ended up just paying each other out the whole time, I can’t remember who started it but he was wearing a Bananas in Pyjamas looking shirt & he said I was wearing something my nanna knitted me. Still I ticked ‘maybe’ to everyone instead of being selective, still the next day when the email pinged, there were only two matches & both didn’t write much back when we did email.

I guess the good thing about going to two speed dating events was that I can cross off, with absolute certainty, of my list of ways to meet eligible men!

#IBD4U

Travel Agent

This is quite a personal story & probably the hardest one to write about!

I was so nervous about meeting ‘Travel Agent‘ so I enlist two friends to go to a bar with me for dinner, drinks and then we’ll meet up with Travel Agent & his friends. When he texts to say he’s coming alone, I think WTF? But I get even more nervous & drink way too much, however he doesn’t seem to notice how smashed I am, so things go reasonably well, my friends like him & we dance a bit. He asks me if I want a drink, then standing at the bar, he kisses me & I end up for the first time in ages, going home with a guy but not before I explain again that I live way down south, he was way out north but he said that was ok & he’d be happy to drop me home. Awww, so sweet!

But the next morning, he starts talking about how long the drive it is & that he wants to watch the cricket… Lying there I feel like a complete fuckwit for believing that he would actually drop me home. So I suggest he drops me at my friend’s house instead, near his house, he jumps at the chance (of course!) but I get to her house, she’s not home & he drives off. So I sit outside of her house on her windowsill like a hooker in last night’s clothes without a shower. My friend can’t take me all the way home, so because I wanted to take a car for a test drive, we go to the city & ask my dad to come pick me up. I felt so shit about myself that I bought a $30k car because some guy made me feel like a cheap bitch.

But of course when he texted to catch up again, my friends told me to “give him a go”, their most spoken phrase to me. So I did, probably because I was so desperate… not as desperate as him though it seems, he told me numerous times how much he wanted to get married & have kids ASAP. Alarm bells started ringing for me, but at the request of my friends, I kept seeing him.

We dated for about 8 weeks, I was house sitting at friends house & he came over but brought a bag but left it in the car in case I didn’t want him to stay (which I liked). I stayed at his house a few times & we went out for dinner a fair bit & now all I can remember about him is that he cut up ALL his food on his plate before he ate it, even if I gave him my left overs, he’d cut it all up before he ate any of it (Kinda like your mum did when you were a CHILD!). Now you may be like my family & say there’s nothing wrong with that, but think about it, if the conversation is that boring that you notice someone cutting up all their food up, then it’s probably time to move on.

I didn’t want to be that shallow, so I saw him again, BIG MISTAKE! The last time I ever saw the Travel Agent was the morning after the night he deceived me. Now this is a bit of a difficult story to tell & I’d love to hear what his side of the story is but as we were getting ready to have sex, he went to put on a condom, stuffing around with the packet for ages then doing the actions of putting it on, we had sex, he then did all the actions to take it off. While in the bathroom right afterwards, I realised that there had been no condom or giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it broke?

As I was leaving in the morning, standing at my car saying goodbye, he tells me that we didn’t use a condom last night. I, of course, already knew this, but couldn’t help but wonder why he would pretend to put one on & off when it hit me, he was so desperate to have kids that I think he may have been trying to get me pregnant, maybe not but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out.

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I was too embarrassed to tell anyone the real reason why I stopped seeing him, that I told people it was because he cut up all his food, so people who don’t know the real me think that I’m shallow but sometimes it’s better to be perceived as shallow than as a person so easily deceived. But now it’s out there… The real reason!

#IBD4U

Sparky

I must be a glutton for punishment, because just before Easter I stupidly reactivate my online account, finding ‘Sparky’. He says he doesn’t like typing, so we exchange numbers & he arranges to call me on Thursday night. I didn’t tell anyone about the call thinking that it wouldn’t go anywhere but we talked on the phone for 2 hours, he even said he’d been so nervous to call me that he’d asked his apprentice about what to say, who suggested to just to start with ‘how are you doing?’

He invited me out on the Saturday night for dinner & a movie. I wasn’t really nervous this time, I think because I hadn’t really told anyone about him, I did tell one friend because Sparky was picking me up from my house, he wanted to ‘do it right’ so the first time I was going to see this guy face to face was at my front door.

When he picked me up at my house, I didn’t know if I should invite him in or kiss him hello, so I did the awkward ‘come in while I grab my bag’ gesture & then we left. He tried to open my car door for me, but I was already basically in his car. That’s about when I started to get nervous because he was a lot better in real life than in his profile picture.

We arrived at the cinema & I suggested that we get the movie tickets before dinner but he said he came down to the cinema earlier in the day to get the tickets because he didn’t want to miss out, I thought that was absolutely adorable, especially since you can just buy the tickets online & I surprise myself by starting to really like this guy.

I said that I’d pay for dinner since he bought the movie tickets but he said no, he had invited me out so he was going to pay for the night. I actually felt really special! He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t think I was attractive! We shared a pizza & we talked quite comfortably, I felt at ease with this guy, even in the car we’d talked easily. The only sticking point was that he said he didn’t drink at all but I had already ordered a wine, I have a feeling maybe he is a recovering alcoholic, which is ok, it was just weird the way he said he doesn’t drink.

We had some time before the movie, so we went to arcade & played a few games of air hockey, which I thought showed how fun I can be, we cheered & egged each other on, especially since I lost all but one game, which I think was a fluke or he let me win! But I was actually having a really good time. We joked the whole night, at the candy bar, I wanted a frozen coke but he wanted whatever the blue flavor was so we filled up one cup to share with both flavors, his choice was gross & even he didn’t like it, but we had a good banter about it.

I actually felt good about the date, but I stupidly couldn’t bring myself to make the first move & kiss him goodbye as I got out the car & I didn’t invite him in for a coffee (which would have been awkward, I don’t drink coffee & don’t have any to offer him!) Even as I shut my front door, I mentally kick myself & that continues all week.

When Sparky initiates a text later in the week, I was pleasantly surprised & we text a few times, then on Thursday I finally build up the courage to ask him when he is free next for another date & I get the awkward good bye text ‘I’m going away for work… Can I let you know when I’m free? blah blah blah’

Here is it 3+ years later & I’m still waiting – surely he can’t be that busy?!

Sparky

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Pilot

I met Pilot on an online dating site, I was so nervous to meet him because I hadn’t dated in a while, so I ended up going to the bottle shop during my lunch break for a bottle of wine so I could calm my nerves. On a warm Thursday night, just 2 weeks before Christmas, we meet at a pub, he’s there first so I walk up to him & there’s that awkward hello, the one when you’re not sure if you should touch, kiss on the cheek, shake hands or even worse, wave. We didn’t do any of the above and he was so shy, which made me shy (those who know me, know I am not really shy at all, but around boys I find attractive, I become a giggling school girl), so we stood there awkwardly.

Pilot barely made eye contact with me from the beginning to end of the date, he just looked at me out of the corner of his eye, which I wasn’t sure if I should be creeped out or not, needless to say at the end of the date, he didn’t kiss me goodbye, I honestly thought that was the end of him but by the time I got home, he’d texted me to say he had a good night.

We exchanged emails & started emailing back & forth, somehow we actually arranged a second date on the following Monday night for dinner. I thought surely this time we’ll at least share a kiss on the cheek when we said hello, but when I walked over to him, he barely looked up at me from his phone that I couldn’t make a move to kiss him on the cheek.

Stupidly I felt like I had met the perfect guy from my imaginary checklist: (every girl has one!)

  • British (my secret childhood dream)
  • well-traveled
  • Educated
  • Worked as a professional
  • Bought a house

It all seemed perfect. On the second date, he even went to get the bill, but secretly paid for dinner before I could do the awkward ‘pay the bill’ dance. We then walked to our cars but still, he didn’t make a move to kiss me goodbye.

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Still we texted & emailed every day, however it was hard to lock in the next date, with Christmas looming, so on Boxing Day when we were texting, I thought I have to take matters into my own hands so I asked if he wanted to go see a movie, when he said yes, I bought the tickets online & we were off on our third date!

Again no kiss or touch to say hello, no touching or anything throughout the movie, which made me dread the goodbye yet again, but as we were doing the weird shy goodbye, Pilot said he had bought me a Christmas present (I had told him about how my family only give one Kris Kringle present). He said he left it in the car, so we walked to his car, me feeling even more awkward because we parked miles apart & he’s bought me a gift, what the hell could it be? He awkwardly gave me a bottle of wine, (that I suspect it was re-gifted) & it was probably the time for me to initiate a kiss, but I was so thrown by mixed messages that I didn’t do it.

I really don’t know why or how we continue to text & email each other but that continued into the New Year, when Pilot sets up a date but then bails the night before, saying he was really busy, I figure he’s just doing the back off. Yet he texts me the night we arranged to catch up “to see how I am,” I must admit, it was kinda annoying to be told he was too busy to see me , then was able to text me late at night. Against my better judgement, I mentioned to him that I was going to the German festival on the weekend & he said he wanted to go but didn’t have anyone to go with, I replied ‘You should come.’ He text ‘I might, I really want that kiss.’ Maybe he did like me?

I didn’t really hear from him a few days before or much the day of the German Festival, but I was wearing the perfect outfit that a friend had spent so much time putting together for me, I felt good, confident & was excited to meet Pilot for that kiss. As my friends & I were buying our second beer, though 6 degrees of separation in Adelaide, Pilot randomly bumps into us with his stunning girl, my mouth must have been on the floor, my friend even said that I had a judgey look on my face, but he introduces her as his cousin but I’m still caught off guard at how beautiful she was. I let him know we’re grabbing another beer & he says yes but as we go into one line, Pilot goes in another & I never see him again!

My friend decides that can’t be the end, she uses my phone to text him because she’s so angry that we lost him but he doesn’t respond, I drink myself into oblivion & vomit like a teenager.

Sunday morning I text him, just to see if he got my texts because festivals are renowned for having no mobile phone reception but still no response. Maybe he lost his phone?

Finally on Monday I email him to find out what’s going on but hours later I get the goodbye email ‘I’m really busy, blah blah blah.’

No flying off into the sunset for us!

#IBD4U