Guest Blogger: The Animal

My wonderful reader has another story for you… Interesting to have a male perspective on dating.

The Animal

Ok, for those that read “Liza”, this story comes from quite a few months down the track, which in between time “The One” has happened, as has the “Woodwork Booty call weekend”. Happy to share those at some stage in the future.

So, The Animal…
After the One had finished up (didn’t end well obviously), the decision was made to rejoin online.
Having met Liza and the One online, a little bit of trepidation with this, yet stick to rules and criteria:
Well dressed
Attractive
Has a bio

Swipe left on:

  • Filtered with bunny ears
  • Sunsets or coffee mug pics
  • No bio
  • Gym selfies(love the gym, but how about leaving what God gave you until we see each other in flesh?)

Oh and fellas, feedback I have heard is Hi-Vis isn’t sexy (that stuff is keeping you safe at work) either is a gym selfies (compensation)
or pics with your dogs… Just a tip I’ve heard!

Anyway, swiping and swiping, cause following the rules means you wipe out over 70% of profiles…
Ah bang… The Animal… (And I have named her this out of purely how this turns out! Not because she is! A term of endearment! Politically correct and all) looks good, tall, well dressed, attractive and highly educated. Swipe right.

Match.

Great. Start the conversation, you know the usual? Kids, career, interests.
More in depth re: each other’s single journey. Awesome. Interesting lady.
Chatted for about a week.
Let’s meet.
Time made, event in town, going to a comedy show.

Sounds great. Laughs and banter will break the ice.
Few days pass, idle chit chat, nothing significant.
The evening arrives, after spending 45 mins trying to decide which outfit to wear, finally arrive at date.
We have the usual greetings, bonus point is she looks exactly like her photo! There’s a tick!
What the show happens to be a show about dating and sex.

Anyway goes well, walk back to apartment to drop her off. For some reason all my dates end up in a passionate embrace and a snog.
That aside, we make a plan to catch up next day, I like this girls style.
Adelaide Hills, wine tasting, walk. Sounds great. Some romance with wine and food.

10am Sunday morning start, off we trundle to the Hills, I will spare you all the details whilst doing the tour, let’s say was one of those nice dates with good conversation and banter (we all have those yeah?) No red flags as yet. Perhaps only one with reminder occasionally the The Animal has 3 degrees, including one in Psychology. Yeah ok, I get that you’re smart!

Comes to the walk part of date, where you sort of know that there’s definitely going to be some physical touch going to happening… this is punch line… more than you maybe expecting…. and just the beginning!

So a lovely trail is chosen, very secluded, she picked it( still no red flags going off!)
About 15 mins in, well, here comes the kissing etc… A few minutes of that nice, hot and heavy action, I get a little whisper in ear ”I have a fantasy and fetish”
Do you now?
Yep, you guessed it…
Now I consider this for a few seconds, not really my thing in the middle of the bush, beach maybe, bush not so appealing.
Some gentle encouragement from her brings me around to the idea… Off the track a little we head. We all understand it takes a few minutes to get a few things unhitched, time to get to it…
“Oh wait” I whisper…”No can do, no condom”
Within a flash from the clutch comes the little packet! (Thinking here…WOW, did she have this pre planned? Seems a little organised)
Ok, rolled on, ready to go…

“Before you start, there’s something I need you to do” she says

“Yes for sure”

“Grab a small gum tree branch with a few leaves on it”
“Huh!!!???” Completely confuses now…

“I want you to spank me with the branch… On my bum, just a few times before you start”

At this point I’m going WTF, yet stupidly run with it, because, well I now need release myself! Can’t waste it…

Spanking done (and at this stage the red flag has just popped into head big time) Start on the (we know this bit)
Then there’s noise, noise like a mating male Koala, and no it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t coming from the trees either… Definitely in front of me!!!
(Again…WTF is coming to mind)
Was over quickly (thank fuck!) to which she had a very satisfied expression…ok.
A different experience for sure.

“Apologise for the grunting” she says “I’m fascinated by Koalas and how they mate” (How many red flags would you be having by now???!)

All good is my reply, yet completely unnerved at what the hell just happened in some ways….
Walk back to car, a couple of cheeky grins, however internally completely wondering ‘How the hell did I end up doing that! And what’s with the Koala thing?’

animal

As we start to drive back to town, she leans over and says ”I want more”

“More what?”

“More!”

I drive an automatic car, so you don’t really need your left hand… Yes, you guessed it (maybe!), my left left hand was asked to infiltrate the panties on the drive home…
No grunting this time, however earth shattering shrill and OMG, the looks at the stop lights at the bottom of the freeway! If the cars next door couldn’t see, they for sure could hear!

By this stage, I had sunnies on and was trying to pull myself down in the seat like those douche bags do in their beat up old Commodores… Again… WTF… Can I go home now????

Arrive at apartments, walk her to the door. The pleasantries of how nice a day it was etc… blah blah blah… Then the conversation of the afternoon…

“Was awesome fun” Was her description..

“Definitely different” my reply..

“Different!!!????? What do you mean different???? You didn’t like it???, you joined in!!” She screamed.

“Omg, calm down… Just something I would not do normally, so yes different.”

“Well, if didn’t like it, there’s not much point us continuing to see each other!!!” Off she storms….

Shaking my head now…. Seriously… Ummmm yep! WTF. Run!!!!

Jump in car.

Text message ‘Sorry I yelled, can I call you tomorrow’

‘Well, half of Adelaide heard you, however apology accepted’ (Not sure why I said that!)

‘Can I call?’

‘Tomorrow, yes. Not tonight’

‘Ok cool’

Will she call? God knows….after how that ended, I hope not. Not sure I want to answer the phone!

My, at times, naivety has just been shattered even further, and a mind full of what the fuck just happened today? How did it go from wine to grunting????? Then again, will give me the chance to say “Hey, was fun, however I don’t think we should go on” over the phone… which is lots better than by text…

In the meanwhile, I’m off to find a beer, or 6, and dull the senses a little….

Will she call you think? Will she be apologetic? Where the hell will this end up?

Well, that’s another WOW moment! Maybe dating women isn’t easier. I won’t be jumping the fence any time soon!
#IBD4U
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Maloo #2

Guess who comes back on the scene talking about how gorgeous I am & how wonderful I am that any guy would be lucky to have me & these guys are idiots for not seeing that. It’s just what I need to boost my self-esteem, he seems to have a six sense for this, he came back on the scene after Pilot & I’ve hardly heard from him since, but he just seems to know when things are shit with me.

However, there’s always a flaw. Maloo now has a live in girlfriend, they bought a house together, I remind him of that every chance I get because I do not want to be this person. I am not the type of woman who wants be with a cheater & I do not want to be the other woman.

Maloo #2

One of my friends gets really angry when I tell her that Maloo has contacted me, she says I need to cut ties with him. He says he wants to catch up & I’m the only friend he wants to keep in his life blah blah blah but I can’t help but be angry at the fact that he has a girlfriend! They have bought a house with together, yet he tells me that “some people do things to get ahead” which honestly just makes me angrier than before. I owned a house with Boyfriend & he basically left me for someone else, which I’m pretty sure Maloo knows that story so it’s almost unbelievable that he would say that stuff to me & think I would be impressed by it.

He also tells me how they don’t ever have sex, as if I want to hear that!? or is it supposed to make me feel sorry for him & have sex with him!? I don’t know. I stop replying to his messages, which is what I’ve done in the past & he disappears. I can’t help but just be relieved, but I’m pretty sure that it won’t be the last of him. When he’ll pop up, I don’t know, but I’m certain he will, I am still kinda friends with him, afterall. I just don’t want to be sexy friends with him. I can’t stop thinking about his girlfriend, regardless of their arrangement, I can’t ever see myself doing anything with him.

#IBD4U

DJ

After my friend & I both ended our relationships, obviously mine with Boyfriend, many many years ago, we used to go every Saturday night to the same club, parting all night. It wasn’t about picking up, it was just us being two free happy single women. It was some of the best times of my life. At this club back in 2008 I knew one of the dancers through a friend of a friend so I of course talked to her as I hadn’t seen her in years. She introduced me to her other dancer friend who was no longer dancing at the club since they put in poles for the girls to do pole dancing. This girl was so beautiful to me, she had perfect hair & was just a lovely person, she introduced us to her boyfriend who was a DJ at the club. I remember talking to him vaguely & never thought much of it.

Years later I was online dating & DJ came up as a prospect, I sat there looking at him for ages trying to figure out if it was him or not & should I swipe him, which I do just to see if he has liked me in return. He did, it’s a match & so I say hello, but I never ever get a response from him. He never deletes me or talks to me & a few months later I delete my account thinking nothing much of it.

Being the idiot that I am, I signed back up months later & he’s a prospect again, so I swipe to see if he’s a match again & he’s said yes too so we’re a match. I always say hello to people when I match with them so again, I said hello or something but again, he never answers or deletes me (which is what happens usually if they don’t want to talk to you.) A few months later I delete my account again.

About a year or even more later, I’m at a nightclub reunion event & I’m walking through the he crowd & who should I see but DJ. He’s not DJing but just hanging out with some people, we make eye contact before I just keep walking past, I don’t talk to him, though I am tempted, but I figure if he wanted to talk to me he had two chances online that he never bothered to utilise.

The next day I start searching his music, to see if he’s still mixing tracks & I find a site where he has uploaded mixes of dance songs that I really like. I find about five mixes so I follow him on that site & become obsessed with listening to them. Of course while listening to them I start having little day dreams, thinking that we’d get together & he would make a mix for his ‘beautiful girlfriend’ & then once we’re married his ‘amazing wife.’ Seriously my mind is just crazy! Hahaha.

A month later walking around the German festival with a friend & a friend of a friend who had lost our mutual friend, he says ‘there’s that DJ that always wears hats’ I turn & see him, I say ‘oh I know that guy’ he says ‘no you don’t’ so I tell him his name & he says yeah how do you know him. I don’t bother with my stalker story & just say from years ago in the clubs. Seeing him just makes me more obsessed with his music which I find on an obscure music app & I listen to it every day while I’m driving.

DJ

Finally I snap & think this is just stupid, so I delete the tracks I downloaded & find another artist to listen to on Thursday. I go out for dinner on Friday night, sitting on the side walk in Rundle Street & who walks past, DJ! This is typical for me, I just get someone out of my mind & they somehow appear.

It’s been ages since then & nothing has ever happened but he still pops up everywhere. I recently became friends with my hairdresser on Facebook & she’s bloody friends with him. Adelaide is just too small. I did let myself check if he’s added new mixes online every now & then, knowing that I will love it regardless, however I do notice when he uses the same song from a mix he did before. That just shows you what a fricken stalker I am!

If I was a person that believed in signs, surely that’s enough signs to make me act on it isn’t it? I was bumping into him every few months, but he never acted on it either & I figure he now just thinks of me as a stalker as I only just found out that on the music app, every time someone listens to a song it alerts the person who posted it who is listening to it. Yep, he was getting a daily notifications with my name! AWESOME.

#IBD4U

My Friend Likes You

I agree even more with the comedian that I mention in the Moonta post, how when you have someone already then somehow you become attractive to other people. I think this is probably because you aren’t actually looking, you might even be more confident, I don’t know what it is but I totally agree with him.

While the whole debacle (Can’t really call it a relationship – What was I doing with him?) was going on with Milky, I went to a nightclub with a friend, the same night I saw Security Guard while he was off duty but we were minding our own business just having a dance & enjoying the night. My friend is in a serious relationship & I have a Milky, so we’re just there to let our hair down.

We’re in a smaller room of the nightclub listening to my friends favorite DJ, standing right at the front, dancing with all the others, when this guy taps me on the shoulder & shouts to me ‘my friend likes you, he’s just behind you, so if you like him just turn around, he’s a really nice guy but he’s shy’ I automatically think of Milky, who is already arranged to come over to my house the nex

t night & really just can’t be bothered with someone that has to get his friend to tell me that he likes me, I really didn’t think that this would happen in my 30’s, I’d had it happen maybe once or twice before in my very early 20’s. I tell this guy that I am kinda seeing someone but thanks anyway & go back to dancing, not thinking much of it.

Later back in the main room, I am facing away on the dance floor & I make eye contact with some guy ever so briefly but he takes it as his cue to come talk to me. He says that his friend told me that he liked me, I said oh yeah, trying to just enjoy my night out dancing, but he asks if I’m having a good night (original) & I remember talking about how old we were, he was 30. I did think he was kinda cute, he wasn’t really my type but perhaps if I was in a different head space with Milky I may have kissed him at least, but I didn’t. He dances next to me for a while & tries to have a bit of a conversation, but I can see that he is really drunk by this point.

My friend likes you

He leaves the dance floor & I go back to having a good time, also having to stop some other boy from grabbing my hips & trying to pull me closer to him, when I look around & there are about 20 guys all dancing around us but no women. I say to my friend that I think we’re at the end of the road, where all the women who can’t walk in their shoes have gone home & all that are left are the people in appropriate footwear & now it’s crunch time for the men if they want to pick up.

I go to the bathroom & on the way there I bump into this guy, he stops me & says ‘hey I think you’re a really cool chick & seem heaps chilled, I just wondered if you wanted to go for coffee sometime’ Awww that’s so cute, I really don’t want to though, so I have to let this poor guy down easy. I let him know that it’s sweet he asked but I’m kinda of seeing someone so I can’t. He says ‘yeah no worries, I just wanted to see because you seem really chilled & nice’ I thank him for the invite & make my bathroom excuse to leave. I’m glad this guy built up the courage to ask me out, even though his friend probably told him that I was seeing someone, so it’s good for him.

Looking back on it now, I probably should’ve taken him up on his offer for a coffee, who knows what could’ve happened, especially since now that things have ended with Milky. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing!

#IBD4U

Wine-o

I love that time when you accept someone online, they are attractive to you, their profile seems quite good, it’s like you have some things in common & then you start chatting to them & the conversation flows easily. You chat for hours about all sorts of crap & best of all he hasn’t asked you one of the following at all (let alone within the first 5 minutes):

  • What are you wearing?
  • What are you looking for?
  • When was the last time you had sex?
  • How big are your tits?
  • Are you waxed?

When you talk about what you want from online dating you seem like you are both on the same page about everything, how you want to be in a relationship but also want your own life still, but trust & respect each other enough not to get jealous. How you both sleep with a ceiling fan on, what side of the bed you sleep on, what foods & wine you like, going out wine tasting, how you’re going to go shopping together to help him with sheets & towels, how he’ll be your spider removalist & what music you like. When we do talk about sex, it’s not weird or sleazy, its actually more about the things we like & don’t like, things we have in common more than talking about how hard they’re going to fuck you or how many hours they will go down on you.

He tells me to stop being so perfect & hopes that when we meet, we have a connection. We try to find things that we don’t have in common, like the fact that he smokes a little, I said it wasn’t a deal breaker but not something I love. But I was willing to overlook that in the hopes that this guy might be a potential boyfriend. You know my friends motto “Give him a go.”

I really love this part, before you’ve even met, where you can actually believe that he might be a guy you really like & can see yourself with in the future. I love how optimistic you feel & you build it up in your head, which is why meeting quickly is really important. I used to always put them off for a week or even two, text every day & end up with this relationship in my head but it’s best to get it over & done with, usually so you can move on.

We talk online on Sunday & talk for over four hours before he says maybe we should talk on the phone, so I give him my number & he calls me. The conversation doesn’t flow that easily, he seems to be lost for things to say so I talk a lot, but he does still ask me out for drink, knowing my week was pretty busy he said we’ll keep in touch.

I decide while lying there awake on Monday morning, thinking about what the drinks date would be like, that I need to rearrange my gym schedule & meet this guy tonight. I text him & let him know I can do some rearranging & meet him tonight if he is free at 7:30 pm, he says yes but maybe earlier. I agree to 6:30 pm, but at 5:30 pm, I’m stuck in my bosses office so I text him letting him know that I won’t make it by 6:30 pm but will let him know when I am leaving work.

At 6:30 pm I leave work & text him apologising profusely, as I don’t want to be one of those women who dick guys around & I really hate running late, but say we can meet at 7:30 pm & he agrees. I race home, shower, fix my make up & shove my hair into a messy bun, find a casual yet appropriate date outfit & I’m out the door.

He’s there when I arrive already having a beer, so I sit down & say hello with an apology vomit before going to get my own drink. He looks a little different to his photos, mainly due to his glasses, but I remember thinking throughout the date that he was cute & we had so much in common that I’d give him a go. However the conversation lacked something & I felt like I talked a lot again. He got a second drink & we struggled a bit to make the conversation flow, so he skulls the rest of his beer & put the empty glass on the table saying ‘we should head off.’ Outside the pub he says that it was nice to meet me & goodbye, no touching.

I knew it was a short date but I was so surprised when I got in my car at 8:30 pm! Wow, that must be a record – Worlds shortest date. At about 9:30 pm he texts saying ‘Thanks for meeting me this evening, it was nice to meet & you seem like a nice lady but unfortunately I think we can both agree that there wasn’t a chemistry worth pursing, I wish you well with your search. Thanks.’

I guess the thing that is annoying about that, is not that there was no chemistry, I thought so too but I always get told “you’re too fussy, give him a go” & when I do, I end up feeling like shit. I mean is there ever going to be a guy that I can reject before they beat me to the punch? No because I always give them a bloody go! I go out with people I don’t think are that attractive to me, I go out with people who are boring, I give people a second chance that have hurt me yet they can’t even spend more than hour with me? Even Milky stayed on a date for two hours with someone because he didn’t want to be rude, until I text him. I’m actually getting genuinely concerned about what might be wrong with me?

A few nights later, he hasn’t deleted me off his contact list & starts chatting to me, saying how much of a shame it was that we didn’t connect. I say that I kinda got a vibe from the phone call which is why I rearranged my Monday night to make sure we met quickly for a drink. I said I would’ve at least tried another date but didn’t feel it either. He then says ‘it’s a shame, I’m sure you give great head.’ Well I guess you’ll never know!

He keeps the conversation going, more than he did on the night we met, he says he thinks I’m pretty & how much of a shame it was we didn’t connect, I feel like he’s buttering me up for something. Then he asks ‘so are you just looking for a relationship or are you open to something casual?’ BINGO! I knew it. I reply that I am open to something casual & he says we could do that. I think about it for a while & think if we didn’t have chemistry then is the sex just going to be shit? I mean I don’t need any more shit sex in my life! However, since I haven’t had sex in a few weeks now, I am really keen. At least this won’t get complicated like Milky? Or will it?

Wine-o

He ends up messaging me the next day to say it’s probably best if we don’t start something, we should just focus on finding someone. I reply that I said that last night, he says I hope you find what you are looking for & I delete him before he can change his mind again!

#IBD4U

Too Eager

So my online profile ‘post Milky’ has ‘looking for a relationship’ in my looking for description & I come across Too Eager who in our first conversation was very keen to delete his online profile when we become a couple. Red Flag! Already warning bells are ringing for me, this isn’t a guy who’s interested specifically in me, this is a guy who is just desperate to be in a relationship. I’m non-committal to set a date for our date, he tries to get me to come to his house or a wine bar, I suggest a movie.

Before I go on, it’s just under 2 weeks since I ended it with Milky & have just stopped thinking about him as much as I was – that was probably my big mistake! At Easter, Good Friday family event, he texts! Yes Milky texts to see how my weekend is starting out, I reply a while later after my mind has settled down, just saying to him that I’m at a family thing nothing exciting. He replies almost instantly saying ‘just boring family stuff hey, well hopefully you get some good eggs out of it!’

FUUUuCCCcKKKkK!

Then I can’t get him out of my head again, I wake up really early on Saturday & clean! (I’m like Monica Geller from Friends, she cleans when she anxious! If my house is spotless, there’s something I’m worrying about!) I over think, why would he text, is it because he actually misses me? or is it because he’s just interested to see if I’ll sleep with him again? Or has he not found anyone else to sleep with him & hoping I won’t find anyone else if he keeps dangling the carrot & wait till he’s ready. Seriously, I feel like this shit only ever happens to me!

Too Eager

Anyway I secretly hope that Milky texts again on Saturday but when he doesn’t, I text Too Eager & ask him to the movies. I feel bad about it because Too Eager seems actually interested in me (well a relationship with someone at least!)

We meet at the movies, that I bought the tickets for, he tries to give me money but I say no, he buys the drinks at the candy bar. We go straight into the movie & I ask him about 10 questions but get none back, he doesn’t even ask the same question back to me & I can’t help but think about Milky & how easily the conversation flowed with him. This then leads to a stupid line of thinking about what it would be like to be on a date, an actual date with Milky. Would he have held my hand? Would he have snuggled in the seat with me? STUPID!! STOP!! Milky never even asked me on a date!

This doesn’t help poor Too Eagers case either, because I then start to pick on everything I don’t like about him, not only have I made his nickname Too Eager but his nose whistled – one of my pet peeves including loud breathing & chewing, he didn’t ask me anything or say anything interesting at all. We chatted a few times since the date on the online app, but I never see him again.

#IBD4U

Hockey Puck #2

So after I ended things with Milky, I start up another online account on a different site & delete my stupid profile on the other site. (There may be something wrong with me!)

I get a super like from Hockey Puck & I consider it for quite some time before liking him back, just so I can say WTF to him. I start out like a bit of a bitch saying to him “haven’t we done this before” & he says yes but he tried to message me late last year but I never wrote back. (Mainly because I was ‘seeing’ Milky & I felt pretty shit about how Hockey Puck & I ended being that we were texting for hours on end then we slept together & he disappeared.) He tells me that his ‘tactics’ weren’t the best. Ya Think?! I can’t help but think that he’s not had sex with anyone since me so he thought he’d try again with me.

I proceed with caution trying not to get caught up in it again because he does like to text all day long being he’s not working & has the time. I try to keep my texts vague but within a couple of days I am caught up in his banter, asking me what I’m wearing, telling how much he wants me & I can’t believe I am here again! Yet I stupidly can’t stop myself.

We text for less than a week before I am considering catching up with him again – Seriously… What is wrong with me?! I was going out on the Saturday night but thought he could come over afterwards. But when I text him to see what he is doing, he says he just went to bed coughing his guts up. I really can’t believe it, shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice! Right? What is with this guy?

I tell him to delete me but he says he doesn’t want too, telling me that he really is sick & he’d call me to prove it. But honestly, what is this guy’s game, was he like some women who like to string guys along & never meet them or have sex with them.

Deleted your number

He texts me the next day & the following days asking when I am going to invite him over etc, I make him so hard blah blah, I just ignore it. I can’t be bothered with this guy really. I mean he was a good distraction especially in the weeks post Milky but I cannot be so stupid to get involved with him again.

I swear men must think they can find someone better so they ditch me & then in a few months’ time after another dating disaster & I sign up online again, they come track me down because they haven’t found anyone better but they are clearly still looking! I tell you now that I am really over it & I’m not sure how any guy I do meet now will ever see the real me?

Anyway another two weeks on I am still yet to catch up with him, yet he texts all day long, then ‘sexts’ me all night saying how much he wants me & how hard I make him, yet he never sets a date to catch up. I don’t push it because I figure he is a good distraction from thinking about Milky & other dates that I am making myself go on!

While I’m away for work one week, he sexts me all day, it’s actually the first time I’ve really enjoyed it. He says he wants to make me wet just by his texts & he does. I quickly rush back to the hotel to get some relief before I have to out for a work dinner. I’ve never done that before; it was actually really good. I was turned on all day & thought about how awesome it would be to actually have sex with someone after all that build up. I look forward to that happening in the future with someone!

We never actually catch up; I find out that he’s online still & he’s moving to the UK the next year. So I end up telling him that I am over talking to him & while I am, I also don’t want it to stop because it’s not like I have anyone else. He’s a great distraction & always texts back when I text, plus he says stuff about how much he wants me, that it makes me believe it, even though we’ve only had sex once.

#IBD4U