Guest Blogger: April Fools

This comes from the same guest blogger who wrote Rug. This story is very familiar!

Thanks for sharing with us again!

April Fools

So, this is about a first date, not all that remarkable in terms of where we met or how, but it’s one that is firmly burned into my memory banks with the chemistry that we shared and for the journey that followed.

It started with a somewhat tentative swipe right based on an intriguing bio (switch, BDSM, kink, all of which I had no idea about at the time). And he was hot, really, really hot. We chat and we click and it’s fun and easy so we arrange a date for two days later. We both had plans with friends but agreed to meet later in the evening after we’d caught up with our friends properly and it would be fine to cross mingle.

We meet at a bar, I saw him approaching and we just locked eyes and smiled. We hug, grab a drink and head to the dance floor. It’s immediate chemistry. I announce I’m hungry after dancing and chatting for a bit and he disappears leaving me with his friend and my girlfriend. He reappears 5 minutes later with a sneaky cheeseburger, which is a semi drunk girls best friend. I was smitten.

Our friends all slowly disappear and we’re left on own own. Still hungry, we go have some blueberry pancakes and chat and laugh and flirt away for an hour or so. We leave, I insist on a piggy back ride, he happily obliges and we run off looking for a cab. In the interests of full disclosure I advise that I’m at the end of my period but I’d like him to come home with me anyway. He’s in and we’re off back to my place. I do love a man that’s not scared of the female body in all its sometimes gory glory.

It’s hot, primal and accepting. We get back to mine and it’s on, there’s kissing and more kissing and not tentative boring kissing, but really good, passionate hard kissing. The kind that leads to clothes coming off and being literally thrown down on the bed and being masterly attended to. He starts with finger fucking me in a way I never have been and I squirt and cum all over the place (note… I did not know what squirting was or what was happening at the time… but hey it felt good). I lost all inhibition that night and got absolutely lost in the moment. He’s clearly enjoying the experience and fucks me hard and well (and yes there was momentary pausing for condom action, because I’m not completely mad and nor was he).


After all was said and done, I slept like a well sated nymph. I awake to a gorgeous adonis entangled up in the sheets with me and a bed that looks like a raging storm has blown through. I may have also had a mild hangover… We breakfast on coffee, tea and tiny teddy biscuits as I’m not by any stretch a chef or home maker. I drop him home and kiss him and say see you later friend. I did see him later, again and again for six months and it was a journey, my own personal sexual awakening. It was one I went into with my eyes wide open, knowing that it would lead to heartbreak (mine). But I’d do it all over again (and again).

Where do these people go after an experience like that? Why do they disappear? I don’t get it!

I wonder if we’ll get another installment? I don’t think this story is over!



Die Hard Liberal

Since getting my new job (like 2 years ago – at that time, so not really new) it narrows down my selection pool for suitable men as there are some political aspects to it. So I am always up front with what I do for a living, usually within a few sentences, I’ll ask what they do if they haven’t already asked me, just to weed out those who may have a problem with it & what is essentially a big part of my life & my core values.

So when I tell someone what I do, most people don’t care but when you get the response like ‘really? I hate …’ or ‘you must have a cushy job’ (yeah right!) then you kind of know instantly that you don’t have the same core values. Usually because I’m stupid I will still try to have a conversation with this person but generally we end up deleting each other within a couple of days or even hours depending on how fired up we get.

So when I get this type of response from this guy including ‘are you vegan?’ when I say no, he says ‘well at least that’s something.’ So I poke questions at him of a political nature to find out what his view point is, what does he think about penalty rates, which sparks an entire debate to which we profusely disagree with each other to the point I am so fired up, he is calling workers unskilled, I tell him I’m defined as unskilled to him (having finished high school but never went to Uni) but I am one of these people he keeps putting down. I also ask what his view point is on marriage equality to which he says ‘once we’re married, I won’t care, everyone will be jealous of us anyway.’ OMG, is he serious?

During another chat with him, he tells me he likes my eyes & wants them… I was a bit confused as in he actually wants my actual eyes or he would just like blue eyes? He says he’s wants them for him as he’s stuck with brown – well I’m stuck with blue, we can’t change our eye colour?! I’m not sure if I should be scared that if I dated this guy, I’d end up eyeless. Yet for some reason, probably because of all you reading my blog, I do not delete him & see if this can get any funnier.

Origin #

When he asks for my email address to send me something that made him think of me, I am skeptical to send it to him, so I use my really old email I only use to sign up to newsletters when you join a loyalties program at a shop, which also doesn’t have my name on it. He sends me an email saying ‘I know we disagree with these things (but I know you like me) but I saw this & thought of you.’ Firstly – I know you like me? I mean who is this guy!? Secondly – he sent it from his work email so I was intrigued by his email address. So I google the address. The website included a photo of him (which was the same as his online profile photo) & podcasts so my boss & I listened & I realised even more that I am never going to be attracted to this guy. Not only do we have fundamentally different ideas & views on pretty much everything that I stand for but he keeps calling me ‘Babe.’ ‘Hey babe, what are you doing’ I’M NOT YOUR BABE, in fact the more you talk the more I dislike you.

He tries to chat to me more & more but I kind of ignore him. I finally respond to him & he asks what I’m doing, I say that I’m going to the pub with work people for a few drinks, he asks which one, I just say a local one by work. He responds, ‘I can’t stalk local pub, tell me which one, I want to meet your work friends.’ OMG – No way am I letting you meet my work friends, how embarrassing!

He chats again one night when I am bored & says that he wants to catch up so he can end up married to me, I say that I don’t know him well enough to want to meet him, he says let’s chat. I say ok, let’s chat, so I start going on about my work & his view points are so completely far fetched I ask him if he actually understands what my job is, when he says some thing also completely wrong, I just say look, this isn’t going to go anywhere, I think we should just look else where, he doesn’t respond but deletes me.

My boss kept saying to delete him but I needed him to delete me because if I did, he would of used my email incessantly until I responded, this way, he’s cut the ties & is less likely to contact me! Good bye you lunatic!


Origin #6

Origin comes over to my house again, telling me again how much he likes the way I’ve done my hair, that he likes my outfit (I’ve just walked in from work, nothing special TBH) & that he likes my jeans. I almost wish that I was wearing my glasses but I didn’t put them on after work (I actually only need them for screen based work but always forget to wear them!). I try to just say thanks without telling him why he is wrong like I usually do, he says ‘shit I wore slippers, I look like a homeless person’ we have a joke about it, but I don’t mind, I think that he looks pretty good.

We order Indian food & I don’t order rice because I decide to cook it while we go pick up the dinner, but stupidly I forget to turn on the microwave so it would be ready when we get back. I like driving with a guy, when he’s driving & I’m just the passenger… This is such a coupley thing for me. I’m not sure why, but I love it.

When we get back I turn on the microwave & say we have to wait 11 minutes, he looks at me with that look, moving closer, saying ‘what can we do in 11 minutes?‘ & kisses me. We’re in my kitchen, stripping each other, wanting each other, so much passion, I don’t want him to stop. He pushes me up against my pantry & it’s hot, our hands everywhere. He bends me over the kitchen bench & goes down on me from behind for a bit (that’s hot! Think that’s a first from behind), before we kiss & walk into the lounge room. He tries to push me towards the couch but I sit him in a chair & straddle him. I stupidly don’t go get a condom, but we fuck without one but let him know that he can’t cum inside me – I’m not on contraception, we have hot quick sex & afterwards, I say that was more than 11 minutes. He laughs & gets dressed, not touching me or being loving at all. (that’s not that big of a deal, he hasn’t really been affectionate after sex so far.) We eat dinner & watch some TV while drinking some more wine.

Origin #6

He picks some show on Netflix that he’s always wanted to watch but we interrupt it to have sex, it’s probably the best sex the two of us have had together, on my couch, again with no condom (for fuck sake) but I figure that when I see my doctor in two weeks I will go back on the pill. Not only am I allergic to condoms, it’s so much better without them & this seems like it’s going somewhere, right? He jumps up right after, saying next time he’s going to stay over & goes to leave but I say that he should stay 5 minutes so I don’t feel like a prostitute. He lays down & cuddles my legs but it’s a bit weird, he’s fully clothed & he didn’t take off my top so I quickly put on my pants & steal his beanie to wear. He tells me how cute I look with it on.

When he says he’s going to go I stand up & we kiss passionately & he laughs & tells me to stop, he asks for his beanie back but I say no, we laugh, kiss a final kiss goodbye & he leaves. I go to my bedroom, get ready for bed & the text that comes while he’s on his way home. When the pink text light flashes I smile like a lunatic & am so excited that I found someone who likes me so much, I open the text not wanting to take his beanie off but find that it’s from Flaccid. I ignore him, I don’t need anyone else now. Origin & I am going somewhere & it feels like it might be to a little town called ‘relationship!’ It’s a bit soon – so I need to be calm, but I think that we’re both feeling the same & in a month or two, we really could be happy together. I can’t believe that this is happening to me! I fall asleep with Origins beanie on my pillow because it smells like him.


He’s got a Single Friend!

Another thing I get a lot, especially when my friends get in new relationship & are all loved up, they’ll look at his friends, find the only single one & say ‘He’s got a single friend!’ Like all it takes is 2 single people to make a couple?! Right…

So over the years, I’ve always been so reluctant to go there, what if I like them & they don’t like me back (this has happened before but I was too chicken to tell someone that I liked him) then I have to see them when our friends get married or at birthday parties, my life would be like the movie ‘Life as we know it’ with Katherine Heigel, but lately, I’ve been thinking ‘What the hell’?

So more recently a friend suggested that her new boyfriend has a single friend & I used my new motto ‘what the hell, I may at least get a blog out of it’ so I think possibly she can set up a double date with her & the boyfriend & just have a casual dinner with this friend, something with no pressure, so I text back & say yeah set it up. It’s then that I get the backtrack messages, ‘oh my boyfriend doesn’t think you’ll like him’ or ‘it might be a bit weird’. Well hell dude, you suggested it, I just finally agreed to let you set me up with some weirdo you & I don’t even know & you think it will be weird! I also don’t even know your boyfriend so why does he think his friend won’t like me? Shouldn’t I be the one to decide if I don’t like him, chances are with my luck he’ll be the one rejecting me?


Also why doesn’t anyone ever say to the guy ‘I’ve got a single friend’ & find out if he likes me before they get my hopes up!? Why do they always come to me first, can’t they go to him then say to me ‘hey this guy likes you’ then I can be the one to reject. Or in most cases never meet because although my friends mean well, they somehow don’t actually want to do the set up thing.

Days later my friend is still backtracking on the meeting with this guy telling me that her boyfriend (who I’ve never met yet) thinks he’s a weirdo & a big drinker that I won’t like him. So I just tell my friend not to worry that I was trying to be more open but right now this kind of thing just sets me back. I mean if friends don’t even think I’m worthy of their boyfriends friends, then what the hell do single men think when they meet me?

It’s not a great frame of mind to be in, which is why I never wanted to do the meet the boyfriends friend thing anyway. FFS


Guest Blogger: The Blown Match

Well this reminds me of We’re fucked before, in a way. Casual tinder dates are fun, until someone is blown away! hahaha.

The Blown Match

This is the story of another really regrettable tinder hook-up. The chatting and the banter was excellent. He was funny, playful and engaging. He was pretty cute in his pictures (he photographs well; in real life, I wasn’t as into him). I agreed to a sneaky lunch time quickie at my place, as we were both really time poor.

He wanted the porn-star experience: full makeup, lingerie, heels- the whole bit. In return, I was going to get banged like a barn door in a hurricane. He’d dropped some dick pics, and I was seriously questioning how it was going to fit. He was roughly the dimensions of a large sweet potato. I pre-gamed some painkillers just in case.

His finger-work was rough and unskilled. For someone who works with his hands, I expected a little more dexterity. Id already lubed up, so just wanted to get stuck in. He barely managed to get the tip in, before pulling out and spraying me from neck to belly-button in baby gravy.


I laid there, stunned. His after etiquette left much to be desired. He didn’t offer to get me a towel/ something to clean his mess up. He didn’t offer to do anything to make it enjoyable for me. He mumbled some vague comments about how into it he was and that “this has never happened before”- you can hear my eyes rolling as I write this. He got up and left. I was relieved.

He at least stuck to my rules- no mouth kissing, no cuddling after, no sleepovers. The only good thing about this encounter is that he missed my hair and face with his premature gush of goo.

Miss Slut xx

Seriously, I don’t understand men. Can someone please explain?!


Origin #5

I initiate texts with Origin in the morning (to show I’m interested too – this is something I struggle with) but he’s home sick on the Wednesday with his sore throat. I don’t hear from him much & work is really busy so when I get a minute about 6:00 pm, he still sick but we text a little, he’s a little off, I just assume it’s cos he’s sick.

He says he’s having a relaxing bath & I’m say I’m going to do the same but with a glass of wine & more Downton Abbey he says he’s wishes he could join me; I say that if he wasn’t sick I would’ve let him. We talk about his sore rib & I say I hope it’s not from too much sex on the weekend, he says that “if it was, it was worth it, it was amazeballs I say that I don’t think there is such a thing as too much sex but it was great for me too (not only do I agree with that, but he told me that’s part of the reason he & his ex-girlfriend broke up) he then tells me “that it was fucking amazing, you’re pretty good in the bedroom & you’re a cool person” & then he uses my real nickname & says “I enjoys your company” I swoon! He has been calling me shorty as a nickname but he used my real nickname that my friends use, it makes me realise that this guy actually likes me, this guy could be my boyfriend, he actually likes me, he’s not shy to tell me how much he likes me. It’s refreshing!

He asks me if there is anything I want him to do because he wants to please me (well there is lots but I want to discover that with him, not tell him over text) I tell him so but say that he can tell me what he might want to do too, but he says the same. I tell him how attracted I am to him because he makes me laugh all the time, even when I think about him at work. He says that’s cute & he’s glad I like hanging out with him because he definitely enjoys hanging out with me!

We text & text & text, it’s so good, we talk about the wine that I bought the first night & how we had it the next time, he says that we should go for a drive to some wineries to have a look one day (OMG YES!) I say I’d really like that… Future plans? I mean this guy is keen, I can’t believe it. I am so lucky!

He texts me at about 4:30 pm the next day just to see how my day is going, it’s so sweet & I love getting texts from him, I light up like a dickhead when I see his name & it’s so awesome that I’ve finally found someone who wants to see me as much as I want to see them! We text for a bit; he tells me to think of him naked at the gym & I will smash it. He didn’t go to work on the Thursday either, he sends me another random picture of himself sitting watching TV & I love it.

We somehow get onto a foot fetish topic which I say no I hate feet; he agrees but then says that I have cute little feet. Can this guy be for real? I mean surely I am not going to be this lucky! I just say thanks but he says that I also look heaps cute wearing my glasses as well as hot, he thinks they’re really cute & he wants to ‘do me’ in them, it’ll be sexy. I agree saying that we can definitely do that. He asks me again what I would want from him sexually, so I just say that I’d like if he pinned down my arms & fucked me hard while kissing my neck, he says done but now he’s hard thinking about it. He tells me to be open with him because it’ll help me out, I tell him that I will be but I need a bit more trust to do the things want to do but he makes me satisfied.

He asks what I’m doing on the weekend, which I’m free Friday night but he’s catching up with mates on Saturday night & I’m busy all day Saturday. He suggests a movie at my house on Friday night, even though he’s had two sick days, I don’t think much of it because I want to see him.

On Friday at 2:30 pm I get a text to ask how my day is going, I wonder if he’s about to cancel on me, from past experiences I just assume that’s what he’s going to do, but we arrange to meet at my house at 6:30 pm & we’ll grab take away & watch a movie. I’m so excited, our seventh date in four weeks (Why am I counting?). This is a record for me, I’m so excited to see him, I don’t get nervous & act like a dickhead, I am just me. Finally, a guy has hung around long enough to see the real me. Finally, a guy that likes me for me, that doesn’t want to just have have sex with me.


I can’t believe that I have found someone that I wasn’t even going to add online because he’s only 32 (younger than me) & I wasn’t sure about his pictures & I hate that he has ‘a girl that looks after themselves’ on his profile but this guy is so funny, which is something I am so attracted too, it’s probably why I am liking him so much, that & how much he tells me I’m pretty or look good. I mean at one point he said he likes my house so much that I should be an interior designer. I am totally letting my guard down & letting him in… EEK! This guy can’t be for real, he can’t be for me!


Boyfriend #3

Boyfriend & I had been “seeing” each other for a few weeks, messaging & seeing each other, not really knowing where we’re at or what we’re doing, but he asked me to his house to cook me dinner. No guy had ever cooked me dinner. I remember the store manager of our store laughing his head off when he asked what he made for me – toasties. Boyfriend only had one dish he ever made, which was a satay chicken noodles, I don’t remember him cooking anything other than that or a BBQ in the whole time we were together.

At a new years eve party the same friend that snatched my phone to text him on my behalf asks me what were doing, implying are e boyfriend/girlfriend. I say I don’t know we haven’t had the talk. So she decides to ask him. Rightio! He says I’m his girlfriend & when she tells me, I can’t wipe the smile off my face. However weirdly he & I never talk about it. We’re just a couple from then on.

That’s also the first night he stays at my house. I remember it because he’s the first guy to ever stay over at my house, in my bed. But I get up really early to sneak him out being I haven’t asked my parents or even told them – my parents are pretty cool but not sure about having boys over. But my dad is a early riser & is up playing the computer, fuck! I have to introduce him to dad at 5:00 am. I remember dads first words to him were “your mother will be angry she didn’t get to meet him” righto dad! Hahaha.

Shortly into the new year, boyfriend tells me that he’s moving house as he’s been kicked out of his unit & he’s moving in with friends to save money. Ok so a share house isn’t too bad. But when I ask who, it takes him ages to tell me that it’s his ex girlfriend. Right so my new boyfriend is moving in with his ex, who I’m pretty sure is still in love with him. I’m not happy but what can I do? I mean we’ve only been together officially for a short time & I certainly don’t want to live with him so I don’t say much.

It’s all pretty uneventful from what I remember, I realise that his ex girlfriend does still love him, even though she has a boyfriend. & his sister who I thought liked me seems to hate me. I pester him to buy a new bedroom suite, as we’ve been sleeping on a mattress on the floor. But it’s a pretty normal, boring relationship. (if I was writing at the time, I may have loads of blog posts but it was over 12 years ago now.)

Around my birthday my uncle was planning his wedding in Vietnam, of course I jump at the chance to go to Vietnam & ask Boyfriend to come too. I find it super cute when he goes out & buys the same RipCurl bag that I have so we’re matching, without me knowing. We fly out on my birthday, Boyfriend says that he’s planned something for when I get back but for now the trip is my present (The trip I paid for myself & he paid for himself?! Yeah ok) I never get a present from him that year & the next year we’ve bought our house & he buys me slippers & a fruit bowl… Men wonder why women change when they settled down, he was making me an old lady. Who buys a 25 year old slippers & a fruit bowl? Hahaha.

Anyway when we were in Vietnam, right after we have afternoon sex, I tell him that I think I love him & he says “yeah I think maybe I do too.” I get up & cry in the bathroom thinking I’m an idiot for saying it & that I’m unlovable.

We get back from Vietnam, something happens, we snap & almost break up, probably due to the L word infesting the relationship. I remember meeting him at a lookout park during the day & he leaves me there when he says we’re over. I cry & message him to go to his house, which I do & we work through it. Weirdly, that’s also the first day I meet his parents. (they live out in the country, not in Adelaide)

Next Christmas & new years come, he’s still living with the ex, though cracks are starting to show. Before the lease is up, she moves out seemly because she’s not going to win him back like she thought she might. I don’t know why. But she takes the fridge & washing machine, which we’re hers so I use the money I was saving for my working holiday to Canada to buy a fridge & a washing machine for us at his place. Yet I never officially move in with him.