Rotisserie Chicken

New Years Eve plans were to go to a friends house for drinks with a bunch of couples! WHOO HOO! There would be no random hook up, there would be no midnight kiss, there will be no semi-flirtatious banter with a cute single guy (who will probably end up with someone else anyway) & there would be no love story starting in the new year for me.

So I searched online to find someone to hook up with before I went out, Rotisserie Chicken was available, cute & we exchanged phone numbers. We were texting for a bit & I stressed the urgency of his visit since I was getting picked up at 6:00pm, however I told him it was actually 5:00pm so I would have time to get ready again.

He said he’d bring some drinks over, so brought a can or two of something & we just stood in my kitchen & talked. He looked out into my backyard & talked about bullshit, I don’t really remember how but we ended up in my lounge room, standing by the TV cabinet & I saw the clock & thought this is going to have to happen soon or it won’t happen at all. So I stood on my tippy toes (cos I’m short!) & kissed him.

He kisses me back & I lead him into my bedroom undressing as we go. We have sex but it’s not that good, he changes positions so often that it means that I am never going to get to climax, it never gets close to feeling good before he turns me a little bit, he pounds me a few more times then turns me again. I’m sure you’ve all had sex like this before, it has the potential to be good but it never gets there. I feel like I am spinning like a rotisserie chicken in the oven, getting hot but never achieving anything else.

Once he’s done, we just get up & get dressed. I know I am never going to see him again but he talks about texting me tomorrow to catch up. I say yeah, thinking I’ll never hear from him again. Which is exactly how this story ends. I don’t text him either, but with bad sex the first time, usually doesn’t get any better, no matter how hard you try.

Rotisserie Chicken

I’m not sure if I am happy I got a New Years Eve root or depressed that it was so bad & there was no way to erase it with another guy at the party. I settle for being happy that I had sex & try to forget that it wasn’t that good, I mean it certainly wasn’t the worst sex I’ve ever had but it was no where near even reasonable sex.

#IBD4U

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Dating Sites

I never seem to use the name of the dating sites I use, I’m not sure why, I guess because they don’t pay me to advertise but also it’s kinda irrelevant what site I met all of these dip shits on, they are all the same in the end. But I want to talk about the options, what I’ve been on & how they work for those of you thinking about joining!

OASIS: Free site with app to like someone then chat to them if they like you back. It’s more about the profile & picture information, but you can opt not to have a picture & you can have very little information.

TINDER: Free superficial app, swipe left for no & swipe right for yes. Good thing is there are no dumb usernames because it links to Facebook. You can also superlike people by swiping up which means it’s not anonymous but then they at least know you like them & its not just wait until you die to find out that they never liked you!

BADOO: Is a paid site with app, which encompasses Oasis & Tinder, there is swiping left & right, but you can also chat to someone who is not your friend or accepted you at all. You can also see who is close to you, as in km’s away from you, which can be a bit creepy when they say, hey pop by.

POF: Paid app that I used years ago, but haven’t actually used since I started this blog, might have to reactivate an account & see what happens.

RSVP: I don’t know a great deal about RSVP anymore, it has probably changed so much since I used it. But I‘m sure people have success on it. Another option to check out in a few months when I am still single as the day I was born!

EHARMONY: Paid site with an app which I haven’t worked out the app at all & am not getting any regular matches even though I have paid for three months’ membership. Yet it doesn’t send matches ever & when it does they are always from interstate. Maybe there are no men left for me?

ZOOSK: A paid app that links to Facebook (a friend didn’t even know she had an account because of Facebook) but basically all the same people as the other apps.

CLOVER: Free app but I didn’t get it at all, but got one guy to chat to me, who I found on other apps, then didn’t talk to me on them once I deleted clover.

BUMBLE: Free app which is like Tinder to swipe left & right, only women have to start the conversations, men can’t even if they match with you.

Dating Sites

I’m not an expert & I have no idea what gets you more hits or likes that other profiles but I will offer some of my own advice (my pet peeves) to those thinking about starting an online profile:

  • Have a picture, a recent picture of your face, of just you, not all your mates (cos chances are I’ll like one of them better!), not your abs or shirtless or chicks with a duck face & tits out. Also don’t have five different pictures that all look like a different person. Remember you are only as good as your worst picture! (DEEP!)
  • Don’t bitch about how shit other users are on the site. Talk about yourself, your hobbies, you interests, use positive language, it’s your time to shine not bitch about how other users won’t write back when you to initiate a chat.
  • Don’t write that you won’t add someone if they don’t have a photo. Sure, have that policy but don’t advertise it. I mostly have that policy too but don’t have it written on your profile.
  • SPELL CHECK & correct grammar! I can pass by a few errors but not entire sentences on the profile. Chat mistakes are ok but not on your profile!
  • Do not use text speak ever on your profile, especially LOL
  • Don’t be too generic.
    • I prefer pubs not clubs
    • I like walks on the beach
    • I like to go out but also like to cuddle on the couch with a movie
    • Not looking for hookups (then proceed to only talk dirty to me)
    • I’m a nice guy/girl
  • In the what you’re looking for don’t write “someone who looks after themselves” I hate it, it could mean you won’t date someone who’s fat, it could mean you want them to be high maintenance – spray tan, fake nails, fake hair, always in high heels, anyway it’s just dumb, don’t say it.

That’s just my two cents worth, I don’t know what I am talking about clearly not an expert, but this is just my opinion & trust me I’ve dated so much & been online for so long that I think I could at least go Pro.

#IBD4U

Rimmer

“Would you rim me?”

“WTF is that?” I text back, completely perplexed & obviously a little naive back then.

“Doesn’t matter” So I google – good ol Urban Dictionary! “To lick someone’s anus with your tongue. Called ‘rimming’ because it’s done around the rim of the anus.” Why would a random guy I’ve never even met & I’m about to give my address to, to come over for a booty call, text & ask that, he said it doesn’t matter. Clearly it does otherwise he wouldn’t have asked. I’m not 100% sure I would want to do that, especially not with a random guy.

Is this something that men like? Is this something I would do, especially since this guy is potentially going to be a one night stand. I text this back to the guy & he assures me that it’s not going to be a one night stand, we’ll catch up again. I give him my address but that’s where things take a turn. Nothing he says is totally out of the ordinary or particularly horrible, but I just get a vibe from him that it was probably the best thing that my instincts are usually pretty good on these types of things.

He said “I’ll walk in & you suck my cock & then I’ll fuck you” & another text “I’ll finger your ass” then when he asked if “he could let himself in” I really started to get a bad vibe, as if I would just let this guy open my front door & walk in. Then he asked if I would “fuck without a condom” & then he built up the courage to ask if I would “lick his ass” & when I said no, he then said “cock straight in your mouth though? Will you answer naked/in underwear” that I said ‘I want casual sex, but I’m not a whore he said “Like we aren’t going to sit around and have a chat, you will open the door and lead me to the room & I’ll get my cock out”

I called it off with this guy, like I said it wasn’t anything terribly wrong with anything he said & yeah I wanted to have casual sex but it already makes me feel like a cheap whore that I don’t need him to vocalise to me that I am just three holes, which he would use as he saw fit, I do still want to be treated with a little bit of respect.

Rimmer

I was a bit worried I’d hear from him again or he’d just rock up at my house, that I said to him that it’s not a good idea & my roommate is finishing work & would be home soon anyway. I didn’t ever hear from him again & he didn’t come over to which I was thankful. Talking it through with my friend later, she told me I did make the right call, that I should trust my instincts. I just think some of these guys have read a little too much Fifty Shades of Grey or actually haven’t read it at all & just think that woman want someone to dominate them.

We do, but only if it’s Christian Grey!

#IBD4U

Construction

Construction came up on every site that I was on, he added me on one of the more obscure ones & we chatted for a fair bit because I had a few guys I was texting at the time that I thought I might like more or was further along in the process of hooking up so I just kept him in the background.

Eventually we swapped numbers & were texting late one night, when he asked to come over. I said sure that I was in bed in my pyjamas, he said he’d just wear footy shorts (not sure why he told me that).

We didn’t talk very long before we had sex, all I really remember talking about was how someone died on his worksite that week, he seemed to be a bit vague about it but he’s the one who brought it up. I think perhaps that he wants to get his mind off it & just have sex with someone. It was really vigorous sex & it was really good, I hadn’t had good sex since Willunga & had the horrible moment of Catastrophe still embedded in my head that I was desperate for some reasonable sex at least. I was becoming more comfortable with myself & knew that this was a one night stand that I took charge & instead of letting them always pick the position, I got us in the position I wanted to have sex that night. It was so vigorous that the condom broke, which is why I am lucky to be on other contraception but this was the first time ever in my life where the condom has ever broken. He even says ‘shit the condom broke, these ones are pretty shit with sex like that,’ I take that as a good thing, I reassure him that I’m on other contraception.

Weeks later I am relieved that I am not pregnant, not that I really thought I would be but there is always that thought in my head. & if I was, was Construction the one who impregnated me? How would I know for sure, I’d slept with a few guys recently & even though I’m usually very careful, you just never know. Imagine that conversation with your parents:

“So I’m pregnant

“Who’s the father?”

“Um… I’m not 100% sure”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“Well… Could be one of about five men I’ve slept with in the last few months.”

Yeah not looking forward to ever having that conversation at all, I think that’s the worst nightmare of someone doing the casual sex thing. & imagine what the conversations would be like with the guy!

“So I’m pregnant”

“Is it mine?”

“I’m not 100% sure… I think so!”

That’s not going to go well with a one night stand! I can imagine that they will deny it even if you say that you’ve not slept with anyone else.

Construction

Anyway Construction & I text a few times afterwards but we never catch up again, I don’t really know why, maybe when he said ‘sex like that’ it wasn’t a compliment? I’ve seen him online since then & he’s liked my profile but I have just said no. I’m sick of giving men second chances, I always end up being the one that feels like shit. It must be nice to be a guy sometimes, not getting emotionally attached to things & also not having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy with a random stranger!

#IBD4U

 

Bunk Bed

On the casual dating/sex journey, I was so honest about what I wanted with everyone that I talked to, so there was no confusion. If I invited them over, I expected to have sex with them,  which is why it surprised me slightly when a guy said ‘I want a connection with a girl before I sleep with them.’ I actually thought that’s ok, since this guy was working away in Port Pirie, sleeping in bunk beds, we chatting online every night for a little while before we swapped phone numbers.

When I invited him over one Sunday night, neither of us were free till later so he arrived at 10:30pm, we talked a bit on the couch, in the kitchen, but he made no moves what so ever to kiss me or anything. I just assumed that he didn’t feel the connection with me, even though he didn’t leave my house until 1:15am. I wondered if I had another ‘Pilot’ on my hands, too scared to make a move, yet seemed keen enough.

But the next day when I was online, so was he & he chatted to me first, asking how my days was etc. The next night the same, he initiated the conversation online & we chatted for a while, it was weird, either this guy was still working on the connection or he was the master of mixed messages.

It was probably a week later that I finally asked if he was keen to catch up again to which he said he was & was away for work this week so could do later in the week, which I said worked well as I was only free Thursday. All seemed to be going ahead for a catch up, I’d suggested a movie at my place, but by Wednesday he said he’d let me know as he had to drop his car off to get serviced.  Thursday night at 11:00pm, I log online, he’s online & he immediately starts chatting to me telling me he was going to text but didn’t because he fell asleep.

Bunk Bed.png

As much as I thought he was way better looking in real life & he was the perfect guy on my stupid imaginary checklist of all the things I want in a boyfriend, I don’t speak to him again & a few days later I delete my online account, I don’t want to get tied up in bullshit of a guy I’m not supposed to like, I am on this casual dating quest not looking for a boyfriend, or in my case a boy who I want to be my boyfriend but continually stuffs me around until I am a crying mess or worse unable to get my tear ducts to work at all.

I really don’t understand how this casual sex thing is way harder than actually dating a guy, I am honest & up front about what I want, ‘something casual, maybe regular’ yet somehow I still am only having one night stands, or worse not even getting a kiss!

#IBD4U

 

Cruise #2

To my surprise, 7:00am I hear my phone bing as we must be back in Australia & I have a friend request on Facebook from Cruise inc a message, since he doesn’t have my phone number yet. I reply back but as we’re doing a Sydney tour & flying home, I don’t talk to him much more that day, but when I am getting into bed, I send him a text with three things that I am grateful for (one of the little jokes we did, a couple on the cruise told everyone that they always went to bed saying three things they are grateful for, we did it after we had sex as a joke).

We texted a fair bit, he’d send me picture quotes every morning with a hello (including one about how distance doesn’t matter if you really like someone) & I was surprised when he called me for the first time, asking when I was coming to Canberra to see him, I wanted to go, but I was really trying to focus on getting myself out of debt, I suggested he come to Adelaide & he said he would, but he couldn’t leave Canberra for about 8-9 weeks while his dad was away because he couldn’t leave his mum, that’s when alarm bells started to ring as I figured, even though it

was supremely early to think this, but he would never move to Adelaide if he couldn’t leave his mum while his dad was away. But he did a good job of keeping in contact with me, calling me weekly on a Sunday & we text through the week too, but there was always something missing, I wasn’t 100% invested in this guy because I felt like if he wanted to see me, then he would take a weekend off & come see me. Maybe he thought the same thing of me too?

Finally it was the week before he said he was coming, when he finally told me he booked flights in at 9:00am Friday & out at 7:00pm Sunday. I said I’d try to get Friday off work, which was easy enough, but then he decides that he was to do an “Adelaide tour“, which again alarm bells go off, it made me think that he was never coming back to Adelaide & why wouldn’t he want to spend an extra day with me?

We met after the tour for lunch in the city, things went ok, we talked & held hands as we walked through the shops in the city then went for a walk down at Glenelg, before we finally went back to my house, where we had sex twice then went out for dinner. The next day he suggested a movie & some shopping, which I thought was ok, but was disappointed I wasn’t going to show him much of Adelaide. We then went out to see the Adelaide zombie walk after dinner. We had sex once on Saturday night & then he suggested that we go to town to lunch on Sunday & he would catch a cab to the airport as his flight leaves at 3:00pm. I suggested that we go to Glenelg for lunch & I could drop him at the airport, however when we get to the airport, he can’t find his bag, he’s lost his bag! So I suggest he calls the restaurant & I can take him back there to pick it up. By the time we leave the airport & get back to the restaurant it’s 4:00pm, he tells me ‘he has some time, its ok, his flight isn’t till later’ Yeah, I know 7:00pm!

Cruise #2

 

I’m not sure why he lied about his flight times, I guess he wasn’t having a good time, but he didn’t seem to want to do anything but go shopping, we texted a few times but I ended up asking if he wanted to be friends & he said yes it’s probably for the best with the distance. –I guess you just don’t like me enough to not worry about the distance after all!

UPDATE: We’re still friends on FB & he messages me from time to time, nothing exciting but mainly to tell me how good I look now I’ve lost more weight.

#IBD4U

Willunga

WOW! Yep, that’s how this story starts, without a doubt this guy was (at that time) the best sex of my entire life. Now I haven’t slept with bucket loads of people (despite what it may seem like though out this blog!) but I have a few notches on my bed post. Willunga was the first casual dating experience, we texted a bit & when he started texting asking me for my photo I was reluctant to send it on, but he said he deleted his online account. When I sent my picture from my online account through he eagerly text back ‘Your Hot!” quickly followed by “You can have me if you want me’ but he said he hadn’t done this type of thing before but would be keen to give it a go. I should go easy on him as he might be a bit shy to start with. I said that’s ok, let’s just have a drink or two & see what happens.

Its midnight when I get home a work function & he comes over shortly after, it’s a bit awkward & I offer him a drink & we sit in the lounge room just chatting, he tells me I’m much better looking in real life & that he likes what I’m wearing. I’ve never done this type of thing either & wonder how we’ll go from sitting on the couch to having sex. I didn’t expect that when I got up for a glass of water that he would follow & kiss me, man what a  good kisser he was… plus he told me what a good kisser I am that I lead him straight to my bedroom.

Willunga was quite open asking me if his cock was ok, because he’s not slept with that many women before & that he doesn’t think he’ll get enough of me, can he crash the night. After that sex, yes you can stay because we’re going to do that again! We wake up a few times through the night & have sex before he heads off in the morning about 8:30am.

The next night I go out to dinner with my friend who I’ve been talking to a lot about this casual dating thing & she said “Ooooh be careful, he sounds nice & like someone you could fall for, I think you need to line up another guy ASAP” – which is where Catastrophe fits in. (coming soon!) A few days goes by, my friend also advise that I should text him, we text a few times, but we can’t seem to set up another date. I keep leaving it with ‘let me know when you’re free’ but I never seem to get a date locked in.

I set up another online account & he comes up as a potential match too, I think maybe I’ll swipe right just to see if he’s swiped right, which he obviously had because we came up as a match, however he deleted me before we got to chat.

Willunga.jpg

Almost two months go by & I didn’t stop thinking about the sex we had (even though I’ve had sex with other people) when he starts texting me, saying he’s not sure why he text but asked if I had a good time when we did catch up, he was out drinking, so I said stay sober tomorrow & come over, he said he would. But when I text to ask if he was sober, he said he wasn’t & was with friends. I said that’s ok; just let me know when you are sober. He might of got offended as he said “I’m not a drunk.” I replied that I never said he was. I tried the next night for the third & final time to catch up before New Year’s but he was going away so I am leaving that one alone! Damn Shame though, he really was good! Perhaps I should have told him how good the sex was?

#IBD4U