Month: Nov 2025

March 2025 #4

Around this time, we start a snap streak, I don’t think it’ll last long & won’t be long before he logs off for days anyway, but I get sucked in so easily. What a fucking wanker! We start sending boring shit like our food – one of our main topics which has always been the case. We send pictures everyday more & more, it’s not just sexy pics, it’s all sorts of crap. Plus he’s also looking at every story I post too, usually replying to them.

When he offers up lunch at my work, this is new. He’s coming to my work for lunch… I just assume that we’ll go fuck in the car, but he says that he just wants lunch, no sex… UM, what?! No sex? I don’t know how that will go, I guess we will see if that happens, but then he asks me a weird question “Why are you so scared of me pulling away again?” Of course I say because he’s done it before & that it is always a real possibility, but he says “Ive only ever officially pulled away from you once. Due to circumstances. And never done it again. What makes you think I would ever do it again ?” Can I relax & believe him that this is true?

He asks me ”How much did you miss this?” & I honestly answer, “There’s not even a way to quantify how much I missed you…“ I don’t want to admit this to him, but I figure that it’s now or never, I don’t ever hold back in other parts of my life, why do I always hold back in my love life & especially with him? Maybe things would be the same, maybe it will make things different, but do you know what, nothing will change if I keep holding back… “You should of said something dipshit. I’m not that cold hearted” How could I have told him? He said so many times not to get attached, that I couldn’t ever say anything to him about my feelings for fear of being shut down. I don’t agree with him at all that he would have opened up this dialogue if I had of initiated it, he would have shut it down, I’m a certain of that but he says that he wanted this too… I believe he wanted it but I think if I have of said something, he 100% would have backed off.

He also asks what my plan was if I met someone, what I would say to him. “But my plan was… I didn’t have a plan tbh… But I knew I would keep fucking you until we had the exclusive chat for sure… Cos why end it with you until I know he is not fucking other people right… But I don’t know… I guess it would’ve depended in the level of feelings I got for them…” I mean I don’t know what I would have done, I never even got close enough to someone anyway so I never thought about it. The things he thinks about, puzzle me “Haha I always wondered if you would cheat for me, I highly doubt you would, but would entertain the idea of it , and if you hadn’t cut me completely, tease me with the idea of it. And just avoid actually meeting up.” I always thought if I told him I was seeing someone – even just for a date he would cut me but he says “I would of left that to you haha. I would never cut you ….I’ve tried … But at this point, or even in the last few years. I would of left it entirely to you to make that decision”

To my surprise, he does come down to my work & meets me. Because this is a first non sexless – dare I say it – date?! He’s walking around the shopping centre near my work when I find him, I am shaking as I walk up to him & giving him a light peck right away. I don’t know if we should hold hands as we walk to Hungry Jacks but we don’t, he does lightly put his hand on my back a few times & pulls me close but we separate quickly. We both order separately, I don’t know if I should wait for him to pay but I just buy my own lunch, but I’m so nervous, I buy a fucking burger without cheese. So odd how fucking turned on I am without even really touching him. We hugged a little & kiss while waiting for the food, but given the conversations & the break down of the walls, it felt like we held back, if I’m honest. I am still not sure if this is real! What the fuck is going on here, we’re now doing sexless dates?

We eat looking at each other in the eyes, something both of us admit that we never do with other people, & we touch each others legs or arms briefly. While I have butterflies with him, I feel more at ease that I ever have on a date, it feels like this is something we do all the time, it feels so natural. We walk back to my work, holding hands, to his car where he pushed me up against it & kisses me so hard that I can feel his cock against me. We kiss & chat, turning each other on. While standing in broad daylight near a major main road, he slips his finger inside me, I want it there so badly, but I want it to do more than just slide in me. He takes his finger & sucks my juices off of it… I cannot fucking stand. Jesus!!! Then he moves me so I am facing work, he pats me on the ass & says “get back to work”, he chuckles & he moves us so I have to start walking & he gets in his car… You fucking Prick! I never agreed to a sexless sate with crazy tension like this, especially since I have no idea when we are going to see each other again.

Later that day he says that he’ll tell me a song – I’m excited to finaly get a song from him because he made such a big deal about lyrics hitting hard & all that bullshit. I gave him an amazing song where the lyrics really hit for me, but when he tells me that My Medication by Papa Roach is the song – um what dude, I knew that one. I mean I can’t remember him specifically telling me that one but I feel jipped because that was an obvious one. I don’t think I’ve ever shared it before, I can’t find it on the blog, so maybe he didn’t tell me this was a song for me, but I figured this one because it was also a song I felt relevant for me, I’ve always said he’s like a drug that I can’t escape.

My Medication – Papa Roach

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Have you ever had enough of it
Straight over it, sick of it, can’t get ahold of it
Like a drug I need another fix
I’m a moth to a flame and I’ll burn for the hell of it
Battle scar ’cause I lost the fight
Every time I take a breath it’s like I’m losing my life
Fuck it, why am I so dysfunctional?
So irrational?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Are you living with the enemy?
Are you affected by the devils that are tryna be a friend of me?
I’m in a place that I don’t wanna be
But if I find a way to turn it all around would you follow me?
I’m alive but I lost the fight
It’s like the better half of me is on the edge of the knife
Cut it
Why am I so emotional?
Uncontrollable?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication
My medication

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

My Medication lyrics © So Many Names Music, Meat Locker Publishing, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Kobalt Music Services America Ii Inc Kmsa Ii, Meat Locker 2017 Publishing

All night I complain about how wet I was at lunch, just from sitting opposite him & how he stuck his finger in, licked in &  just patted me on the ass sending me on my way & he cums when he gets home but he tells me I can’t cum till Sunday when he’s planned to fake a shift & come over. The next morning, I stick my fingers inside me & send him a picture of how wet it is, that he calls me for a chat on the phone. It’s the first time we’ve had a phone call with each other, that we both say how much sexier our voices are over the phone than we thought they would be. Why had we never spoken on the phone before?!

Because we talk about the Papa Roach concert he says that I should have told him about it, even though our communication hadn’t been great over the last few years he was a little pissed that I didn’t tell him that I went because he said that it could have been something likely that he would have been at & he felt like that was important. First, if I had of told him, it would have 90% just sat at unread until he decided to come back online & so I would’ve felt like a fool for saying anything, but second it’s a big event  so chances of seeing him were slim – even though I did put in effort on my looks that night. I tell him that I was in the mosh pit & in the circle of death & he says “My wife has no sense of adventure and wouldn’t go near the mosh pit so we probably wouldn’t of crossed paths anyway” so why does he care? He says that he’s smug that I went to see a band that he loves, I mean I always knew who they were before him, everyone knows Last Resort from 1999, I knew a few songs since then but not like I do – yes I admit – because of him. I eventually say that I didn’t tell him about the concert because I was also afraid that he would cut me out of his life, he replies “I never planned on cutting you out and not sure anything would tip me over. I was waiting for you to cut me out?” I just say that he would blame me for his wife finding out or seeing me, he’ll deny this but I know for a fact he’ll blame be for anything that happens that involves her finding out, but he says something I agree with that I know he should say but I am not at all convinced he will actually do “I’m a dick sometimes , I know it, my anger blames you, but I’m man enough to admit I’m in the wrong, I’m the cheater, I make the final decision if I fuck you and to be honest I should never blame you. Why would I have a reason to cut you out ? I’m not the single one on the dating scene? I’m not the one that needs tto end to pursue the possibility of someone else giving you something you can’t have (and let’s be honest probally would fuckin die for). You had more reason to cut me out than I had to cut you out. I even purposely pushed you away to give you a reason , to make it easier when you needed too, to cut me out. And I may of ignored your messages, intentionally not make time for you , but at the end of the day, you always got a message once a week or two at Max, and I had to message you to get a reply. So even putting no effort it, I was still putting some effort to keep you in my life.”

Then I get a message that is a little Marvel rant – something unprecedented in this affair, but stuff I lap up like a puppy drinking milk, “OK storytime. I never told you I don’t think, I fell hard for you very quickly. I had feelings for you before we met. I stupidly fell in love, and although I had developed friendships online via the chat app and anonymous app, I had never wanted to risk seeing someone in real life, even the risk of being seen eating lunch with them, let alone going to their house and fucking them. I fell for you hard core within the first month. Nor had I developed feelings, well not in the same way I did for you. We had that stupid agreement, and our stupid sexual banter and your sexy online personality . You became my best friend without meeting me, and without even knowing, and I never told you early on. I didn’t want to look like a complete loser to you haha! And it was made even worse when it did translate to real life. Because everyone has an online personality , everyone is usually themselves , but with the volume slightly turned up, has a little more confidence, and their is less anxiety in text or online. I’m sure some people fake it. But I’m an honest personal , brutally fucking honest sometimes. Our first meeting despite both us being nervous was pretty easy going. Our first time fucking was pretty fuckin epic and very little umm what’s the word. Awkwardness.” I knew he had feelings early on but I didn’t realise it was before we met, I knew I liked him but I never let myself believe that we would be anything as he was in a relationship, when he ass “I had feelings for you before we met…before you did anything my wife doesn’t do.” He does talk about how he almost blocked me the day he first took the day off to be with me & Original & I had a weed muffin, I never fucked Origin that night, but the next day Marvel spent the day & I was so sleepy, but you know what, he felt like a fool once. ONCE, in the whole time we’ve been together & I felt like a fool over & over again – almost daily when he logs off & leaves me on read, so you know what, too bad mate, you made me feel like I didn’t matter over & over so if I made you feel like that once, then so be it. I can live with that!

Finally I get a song from Marvel, songs are our thing, lyrics hit home for both of us, so I know that songs will tell me what he can’t say to my face. He says to “And I feel weird about it , but itt always reminded me of you especially when I missed you and things kinda fell apart. And it’s not a love song, and it’s a papa roach song lol. And it’s more the metaphor than anything” He says that it’s Feel like home which came out in early 2019, the year we started affair two & the year he got married & a song I know I always wondered when I listed to it if he thought about the fact that the house he’s in doesn’t feel like home. He says “And it’s not like I think your house is mine. Or anything like that. It’s more I felt like “home” when every time I was with you. Metaphorically speaking. And I hated that feeling when it didn’t feel like that. Anymore. So every time I heard that song, especially when it came out. I fucking thought of you. If that makes any sense to you. Kinda hard to explain”  I get it more than I can explain to him…

Here it is for you to listen too & the lyrics as always to read – make sure you read them if you don’t listen because they are always very relevant.

Feel like Home – Papa Roach

It’s been a while since we crossed paths
I thought I saw you in an hourglass
I’m not sure where the time has gone
But I know it’s been too long
We used to say we’d never change
Now we’re trying not to show our age
I know you said you needed space
So you moved all the furniture around this place

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

It’s getting dark at sunset park
I see the marks on your broken heart
I’m trying not to let it get to me
But it’s hard with all our history
Leaving town while the city sleeps
You know, I always had bigger dreams
I keep looking in the rearview mirror
Even though I wasn’t happy here

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

And now I’m running to you, trying to find myself
But I don’t even know where to start
I guess that time has a way of keeping nothing the same
‘Cause I don’t even know who you are

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Feel like home

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

Feel Like Home lyrics © So Many Names Music, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Red Beard Black Ink Publishing, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

#IBD4U

March 2025 #3

Something weird worth noting, as you all know my Facebook was hacked over a year ago & Facebook deleted it, removing my access to the blog page & my little hobby business page. So traffic to my blog is very minimal, I write randomly & have posted some things but it’s really just for me at this point. To continue my story, hoping that one day I will find my happy middle (I’ve said before, I don’t want a happy ending, I want the middle.) But I start getting emails, that I wish I screenshotted saying ‘#IBD4U, your stats are booming!‘. Now let me preface this by saying, I can get these emails after posting, even though I don’t have my Facebook audience, but at this time in early March 2025, I am not posting. In fact, at this time, the last post was 23 June 2024. So while the last few days since I saw Marvel & him messaging all day long, from 4:30am to 10:30 -11:00pm, having a break for when his wife is home, is just weird, that I have had many theories as to why he’s doing this, is he dying? Is their marriage on the rocks? Does he have to have surgery & just wants to make sure I know how he feels in case something happens? Or did he listen to the new Papa Roach song that just released in Feb & decided it was time. But the most farfetched & my most feared reason is that he’s found my blog.

Here’s the Papa Roach song – Even if it kills me

Even If It Kills Me lyrics:

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away (oh)

Is this a warning? Is this a sign?
Should I keep my mouth shut, let you live a lie?
‘Cause every day, it’s a dog fight
I can see it pilin’ up like a mile high

‘Cause I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

Is this the moment? Is this the time?
Are you gonna wake up, gonna realize
Your world is burning? A thousand signs
But you’re choking on the smoke from the other side

And I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
(Warning)

I won’t run, I won’t hide
Standing in the fire, I’m alive
I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leaving you behind

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leavin’ you behind

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Andrew Goldstein / Tobin Esperance / Anthony Esperance / Andrew Fulk

Even If It Kills Me lyrics © Artist 101 Publishing Group, Beartrackspublishing, Wizards Dancing Underwater, Frndzone Music, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

When I ask a few days later if he’s listened to it & say how much I relate to it, he says that he watches the lyric video & asks “Do you relate to it because no matter how much it kills you, you put up with everything from or our an entire situation” –  well that isn’t the reason then, cross that off my list… So it’s either dying or he’s found my blog because he would’ve said if they broke up or were breaking up by now.

I obviously can’t see who is reading the blog, only numbers of visitors, but I can see that there has been several readers at different times & from different countries – could it be him? I think it is him because he is being weird & freaking me out while my stats are booming… But contradictory to that, I am also convinced that it can’t be my blog because fuck if he’s found it & read it, he is going to fucking hate me! There is stuff in there he obviously doesn’t know, there is stuff in there when I was feeling shit that I wrote but probably didn’t really mean. In all honestly, I paint him in a pretty good light throughout all three affairs, however, if it was me reading fucking intimate details about my sex life online that I never knew about, I would be so angry… So if he found it, he’ll hate me surely, so it can’t be that…

6 days into this weird dynamic with Marvel, I tell my sister that he just told me he loved me & to get ready for a downward spiral, she tells me to be careful & hopes that he isn’t using me – just as I do too, but I tell her then that I think he’s found my blog. How would he have found it? I have no idea, it’s not active, so activity couldn’t have been the reason. I mean, I have thought over the years that he had found it or he already knew about it, but he never said anything.

Anyway, we are always honest, so this level of honesty I am getting now makes me suspicious of what is going through his brain… “Sometimes I would think of you and not message you. I intentionally wanted to create distance, not make you think about me , fucking make you not as love me much, avoid me in your life so you can date and shit. And not worry about me , making me happy , and if you were to stop everything, in my mind it would of been easier if we were shit friends. And just assumed you would literally fuck me for 6 months before I was given the the message , Hey Marvel , I’ve meet someone. To make it easier for me when it did happen. Which oddly. Has not yet. But I’ll admit, I was a shit friend and gave you very little of my time. And never messaged you enough. Especially for someone that gives me anything I want sexually” So he’s no longer going to be a dick to me?! I mean let’s be honest, this era of being open is not going to last long, he will pull back just as I get invested & let my guard down, just you wait & see. It’s always on his terms, when I get used to how things are, that’s then he pulls back, I get angry & he pulls back even more. It’s the way it’s been always. He did it just before his daughter was born & he did it before he got married, blaming me for waiting too much of him. No mate, I just wanted what you were giving me in the start… I wonder how long this new found ‘missing me’ will last?! I give it three weeks, MAX! What do you think? & even if it does go longer than three weeks, Marvel will think it was only three weeks anyway, as he always plays down how long our affairs were when they end.

He tells me that he always listened even if I felt like he didn’t & he supported me when I lost my job last year “And was secretly proud you took on your property agent, challenged them, started learning the shit so you could do it yourself. You are peobally surprised how much venting you squeezed into those 15 to 30 minutes after sex talk. I’m sure I didn’t hear every tiny detail. But again I saw how much stress it caused you” I don’t know if I told you this but  my property manager had ripped me off so much Monday by getting tradies to go out for a loose cupboard door, that I ended up taking them to court. We settled out of court & I didn’t get as much as I thought I should have gotten & I didn’t get an explanation. I never realised that Marvel was paying attention to that.

We chat so much that it’s hard to summarise days of all day chats, I read things & I can’t believe this guy is finally revealing this stuff to me. “Part of the reason I avoided talking to you was not only self preservation for me, but it was for you to live you life without judgement from me , to date without my influence or even hook up, explore your sexuality more. And let’s be honest , I always put you down the second I got jealous, or punished you by either being a complete cunt to you, or even just ignoring you knowing it would piss you off if you did share something that made me jealous, or inferior for you. It was never that you were not worthy of time , or that I didn’t think of you . I thought I was doing the right thing for me, and it was the best thing for you due to our situation. But at what point do I give up? And what point do I stop fighting it ? I’m not sure how honest you are about fucking other men , or dating people” At least that he admits to being an ass to me about my hobbies or whatever.

“So that means I still meant something to you and still do. And it also means you meant something to me and still do. And it boils down to you being one of my best friends ever. And there is no point fighting it anymore on my side. Nor do I want to risk losing that from you anymore , and I justified it by thinking , if I’m not your friend , close friend, it will help you date others and move on , even fall in love with someone else” He isn’t going to fight it anymore, this scares me more than anything. I say, “The only thing that scares me now… Is you pulling away again… I know what I am in for. I’ve known for years. I’ve never asked for more. I’ve never expected more… So just accept the fact you can’t get rid of me…” But he says “I don’t plan on getting rid of you , I’ve kept you this long? Somehow you convince me to fuck you.” He’s deluded if he thinks I am convincing him, he could log off & go offline & forget me.  But there’s a reason why he doesn’t let me go “Haha you know I don’t have sex with my wife the same way I do with you. Not even close. Not even on the same level playing field. She doesn’t get anywhere near anything you get” I really don’t want to think about that, because if you met your sexual match, why would you want to marry another person?! Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U

March 2025 #2

Side note: Because of how weird things that become, I start writing again – as a journal, not as a blog. I didn’t even know if I would post this story line or not because I had no idea where it was going or what was even happening but because I don’t have the audience I once had when I still had control over the #IBD4U Facebook page… I write in real time as way to understand what is happening & this is the closest to real time that I have ever posted – that I remember, especially about Marvel. But moving forward the blog posts will start being dated, which will be the day/month I wrote it, sometimes coming back the next day or two to finish off, but the posts have been written almost immediately after it happened so there is probably more detail than you’re used too. I’ll try not to be too boring.

After I admit that I love him still & he admits that he loves me too, he says “I have missed you so much, missed our chats and missed are close friendship, missed us being super honest with each other , and have hated holding things back, waiting until to we meet up with for a chat , but that chat has always proved we are friends, if you were down you always told me after we had just fucked, and you also listened to me about random rumblings about me and page and whatever other random subjects came up during our after dinner mint sex talk” Is he dying? What the fuck is going on here?! I say that he must have some things to get of his chest but he says “Not sure I had anything to get off my chest…I just wanted to restart proper dialogue back up because I had been too stubborn for too long,” Um… What?

I won’t post the whole conversations as always, just some highlights but fuck if you did read it all, you’d be wigging out too, what the fuck is he doing? Why is he changing the dynamic now after 5 years of FWB – without the F part, really, monthly catch ups & sporadic messaging, he’ll maybe send one or two messages sometimes one word maybe two & I would work my hardest to make sure I kept the conversation going & now, in an instant he wants to restart a proper dialogue? WHHHHHYYYYY? What the fuck is happening here?!

“But despite being a dick in the past to you, the honesty you have had with me, and the honesty I have with you, sometimes fucking brutal honesty, your over sharing, the way you treat me when I do open up, and trust me I am hard nut to open up, especially when comes down to what makes me tick, I close that out to the world, including my friends I make at work often, my wife , or anyone I meet in life except my siblings basically. I fucking value that honesty so much. Hell it’s one of the reasons I fucking love you. And I hate using that word around you” Yeah this is fucking cazy, but we talk all day about things like his wife & Ozempic, about how good he thinks I look now, that I had put on weight but he can see dramatic improvements, though he was happy when I put on weight because it meant that I was eating.

It’s also around this time that he looks at every snapchat story I post. I’m not gonna lie but the last 3 years we’ve been using this platform, I post some stories with him in mind, wanting him to see them. But he’s not online enough to look at half the shit I posted & when he did come online, he wouldn’t always look at them. So he starts looking at them & replying to a lot of them too, usually they’re food related so he’ll just say something like yum or where’s mine etc.

He asks what I’m doing next Sunday, because he’ll fake a shift on the whiteboard & come see me instead. Ok honestly, what the fuck is going on here! He’s already planned 7-12 if I am free… 5 hours?! Fuck, he must be dying. He tells me that I should be dick meat & he changes my name to Vagina meat. I tell him that he’s actually in my snapchat now as his initials, something I start calling him  He does a ‘pop quiz’ asking me what his fav colour is, which I guess as Blue . I guess his fav food as Ribs & lasagne, I guess Pepsi Max as his fav soft drink but get the bourbon wrong, saying I don’t think he would drink it but Wild Turkey is his favourite. I get his fav bands right, but he tells me about Falling in Reverse, a new favourite band – which I fucking listen to right away & learn some songs that I like, I don’t get the movies right as it’s Men in Black, but I suggested Rocky being his love of wrestling, I guess Rick & Morty as his TV show but he says the Walking Dead would be his fav. His favourite ice-cream is Boysenberry & his favourite season is Winter. He says that I only got them right because I looked at the old screenshots – yeah mate, like I am just sitting here reading our old chats over & over again! How would I even find the exact messages that we talk about this stuff in the past?! & I don’t remember talking about this stuff with him anyway. Most of the stuff is on a hard drive not connected to my computer or phone, so I don’t even look at the old stuff semi regularly. I do however following this conversation, write a note in my phone so I don’t forget these important favourites!

The next day I get a morning rant, the first of many I get over the next few months where he wakes up & spills his guts around 4:30am when he gets up, he says that he was planning being bed early last night but I kept him up & he says “Oh yeah since losing weight I don’t need as much sleep” – Remember this for later!!! He says a lot of stuff during this rant, including sharing the Falling in Reverse songs – All my life & Popular Monster plus a Papa Roach song they covered. I’ll attach the YouTube videos & the lyrics for Popular Monster.

Popular Monster lyrics:

Yeah

I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah

I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?

Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day
And it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular monster

I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?

Oh my God, I keep on stressing, every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take
But my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage
Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay

Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing
And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified

I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular fucking monster

Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh
We’re sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a god that you don’t believe
We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is
Oh, where the fuck is your god now?

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m not a popular, popular monster

I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Ronnie Radke / Tyler Smyth / James Cody Quistad

Popular Monster lyrics © Ronnie Radke Music

I add the Popular Monster lyrics because while all three songs are very relevant to our situation & perhaps how he feels in his life, Popular Monster resonates with me the most – is he the rat trapped in the maze searching for a way out? Or am I just overthinking & he just likes the beat? Nah, one of the things we have in common is our love of music & the way lyrics speak to us… There is some deeper meaning here for him, maybe it’s why he’s being a weirdo! He even says at one point during this conversation “so I probally relate to some of the lyrics a bit more than a normal person.”

I ask him what songs he thinks of me with & I’m thinking a lovey type song but he says Butterfly by Crazy Town & Mouth by Merril Bainbridge, it’s because it reminds him of sex with me… I don’t mind that, but I will admit that I was hoping for more of a lovey song – the one I have for him is next level lovey.

There are other songs he won’t tell me “I’m pretty good at regulating my feelings….and err emotions, that includes everything especially my empathy…but there is something about music and lyrics that can just fuck with your brain, either help you realize it, magnify something or just simply help see things properly, and for me that is me at my most vulnerable” but I decide to share mine for him – a song that reminded me over & over again that I literally feel like was written for me to him… Never Not Love You by Thirty Seconds to Mars.

Never Not Love You Lyrics:

You changed, you changed my life for good
I fell, but it felt more like flying
We did, did everything we could
But sometimes love loses to timing

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

You said goodbye to stop the pain
So why does it feel like we’re dying?
We said we’d always be the same
Who knew, who knew that we were lying

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

I’ll never not love you
If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not love you
I’ll never not love you
It was the end but my love, what a beautiful lie

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jared Leto / Ammar Malik / Jordan Johnson / Stefan Johnson / Marcus Durand Lomax / Michael Pollack / German I

Never Not Love You lyrics © Bmg Platinum Songs Us, Songs With A Pure Tone, R8d Music, Songs Of Bbmg, What Key Do You Want It In Music, Black River Streams

When he listens he says “I haven’t heard that one before but man, that is deep… #IBD4U you are meant to have a heart of stone….” Yeah I was supposed to have a heart of stone, I always did but he broke down that wall & he’s breaking it down more than I want to allow but I can’t help how caught up in this I am getting already… I tell him it’s old from 2023 which he says isn’t that long ago. He says “Fuck you shit me off. I treat you like shit for ages, give you a tiny tiny sliver of friendship and some decent sex , broke your heart way too many times. Even in 2023. And you still love me to some extent like a fucking knob. And probably the worse thing is. You see straight through me. And know my feelings for you never went away. Making me a bigger knob. So fuck you 😛.Where is my heart of stone cold bitch that uses me for sex?” I reply “Breaking someone’s heart doesn’t mean it breaks the love…” If only I knew how to break the love…

He says “Oh you know the worse thing? Somehow we still fucking got it?  Somehow we can still flirt freely , have fucking banter , tell other anything, from pointless meaningless shit to meaningless shit. Ans just resume a chat that has not happened in years like nothing has happened. And it all just works? Wtf” I agree Marvel, I agree… How have I let you just back into my DM’s so easily, when I know this is short term. He tells me I am addicted to him again & fuck you Marvel, but it’s so easy to chat to him, how the fuck is Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U

March 2025

That night, crosses over into March & he tells me that he always had a mint & put on aftershave before he came over, thinking that I never noticed, but I always did. He also tells me that I smell good but I remember when he used to make me think he thought I smelt bad or something because after we’d fuck he’d ask how much perfume I was wearing. It wasn’t until I realised that it was because he could smell me on him & didn’t want to go home smelling like me. As I go to sleep that night, I am not sure what is happening with this man, in his life, really, is he happy? Is he thinking of leaving? Is he just genuinely missing my friendship, or with my catastrophising brain, is he dying? Whatever the reason, I have to protect myself a little here. He holds all the cards & always has. I can write to him anytime I like, but he has absolutely no fucking idea what it feels like for messages to go unread even for a few hours, let alone days, weeks & even months! I always reply so he has no idea, not fucking idea how it feels.

The next morning, very early, he has left me a trail of rambled messages telling me he scrolled our chat this morning & wants to fuck me. I think perhaps he’ll pull back a bit if I tell him something super lame that I have never told anyone. I tell him it’s lame & he’ll pay me out about it because he’d done it before when I told him about rope. He is so apologetic “If I have ever put down your interests it because its out of spite, or jealously or purely because I didn’t think I could live up to your interests Not to put you down or think you are lame cos sometimes I’m a fucking dickhead and do it out of self preservation or purely just to punish you due to my personal self esteem issues. I have never thought anything about you has been lame ever!!!” What the fuck do I say to that? Urgh my brain is going to explode, what is really happening here, I am so confused…

Anyway I tell him that I play Sims on my phone & I made one with his initials but a different name. I didn’t use his name because I didn’t want to see his name every fucking day when I play but I made it look like him & made it have a cat with the same name as one of his cats. If that isn’t the most losery thing ever, I don’t know what is. So this will surely scare him away & make him back off & stop being a weirdo. Is it a full moon???

He isn’t online today much either but he still messages more than I expect so when he replies later, he tells me that it’s kinda cute that I have a sim named after him, “I am sorry for poking fun at your interests and hobbies in the past due to my low self esteem or jealously. I know I was a total shit cunt to you about when you were doing the rope thing from memory, purposely put it down , and although it def is not something I would be into, I didn’t look at you any different or any less interesting Or lame, all I saw in my head was some dude being better at something on you than me, and for some really really fucking stupid reason I wanted to be the only one good at things on you, despite how unachievable that goal even fucking is haha, especially anything even remotely sexual with you So like a dickhead I punished you and was a dick. Why you even put up with me so long still boggles my mind” Well that backfired… FUCK.

Ok, that didn’t push him back into his non-commutative cave, so I try another tactic. As I type it out & hit send, I mentally prepare for radio silence for weeks, I prepare for even potentially not seeing him again – for a while or even ever – but I say it, as I’m typing, I think this is the end & it’s ok… “And if you want me to admit I love you. Then fine. I love you.” There I said it. I said it first this time. I said it first for the first time before he admitted it to me, I admitted it to him. Now I have said the actual words, I don’t want to look at his reply, I can only imagine that he is going to say ‘don’t get too close to me’ or some variation of that. So his reply is so hard for me to ignore, but all I want to do is not look at it… But like a true masochist, I am looking at it quicker than I want to admit “Na that is cute haha I didn’t want you to admit it haha. But fuck you You know I love you too But the L word is bad I didn’t want you to admit it, I tried to skip around for you lol” I stupidly let my guard down a little, but perhaps that will shift things back to how they were. That was working. I never asked for things to change & while I am not opposed to things changing, especially like this with him telling me how things are changing, I just know that at some point they will go back to how it was & it will piss me off & that’s when I will lose my shit. This is just dangerous territory. But maybe this is the jolt we need. We’ve tried this thing 3 times, for over 8 years.

#IBD4U

February 2025 #2

When we start to talk about how sad this is & how much we both have tried to hold back, he says “All paths lead to us fucking no matter what….is what I think” which is 100% true, I’ve always know that we would find each other in the future, I don’t know when it would be our time to actually be together, but I always felt that we would be together as a proper couple. Maybe one day but right now this is working for us, so why is he trying to change the game? I have to be careful here because yes he is opening up – for whatever reason, maybe they’re unhappy, maybe it’s because he’s noticed I am happier, but I know what he is like, one comment from me & he’ll log off for a week again, so I just have to protect myself a little here, but stupidly I also want to be a bit vulnerable because if they are having marital problems & he is considering leaving, then I want him to know I am a fuckwit & stupidly available… What a fucking dumb bitch.

Then he hits me with it “Ohh the whole reason I am opening up communication via text again properly is so we can be decent friends. Because I save up this shit I want to tell you or talk to you about then I forget to tell you, and get distracted fucking you again or have to leave. But anyway I forgot to tell you on Monday. You left a giant long scab on my cock from panty carpert burn last time we fucked hahaha!” He wants to be friends? I ask how he explained a scab on his dick not really wanting to know how she even saw it because I only fucked him a few days ago & he says they never have sex, but clearly, she’s sucked his dick since then. He tells me that he told her that he cut himself at work through his pants with a box cutter… Bahaha, are you kidding? Why wouldn’t you say you cut yourself shaving or caught it in the zipper? How the fuck does he get away with cheating for the last 5 years?! That is so fucking dumb, like next level dumb… Where are the pants, where’s the hole? I genuinely can’t believe how dumb both of them are… As if he said that & as if she believed it & kept sucking his dick?! Jesus.

For some reason, I tell him that I have all the screenshots of our convos, I’ve wanted him to know just so he knows, but also because he can’t deny anything when I tell him things he’s said to me. He keeps making this so much weirder… “I’m going to try and make a more effort to chat to you more , won’t be daily or all the time … But if your want my opinion or help or support. Please reach out to me. I’ve been a dick long enough to you as it is. For various reasons , but I’m at the point we I have given up, somehow we are still friends , somehow we are still fucking , somehow you haven’t let our friendship go, even when I become a fat ugly fucker, or when I just treated you like shit and intentially ignored you to distance myself from you, waiting for move on , encouraging you to date and meet others. I’m still scared I’m going to get that message you will no longer fuck me. And when they day comes I still want our friendship there and not have it entirely built on sex only. Because that is my fear now, apart from our short conversation after sex which I save up anything I want to talk tto you about (then forget to 9 times out of 10) , I don’t want to lose you as friend for the non sexual stuff”. Errrr what the fuck? Is this about his brain tumour? What the fuck is going on here? Is there trouble in paradise with her & now he’s making sure I’m available? He denied it when we ended the first time but he was always scared of being alone but he’ll jump from her to me – not because he wants me, but because he won’t be alone. I just assumed this time around despite his feelings for me, he was always an asshole to me because he didn’t want to get attached & he didn’t give a fuck about the friendship, “You assumed wrong, sorry for being such a cunt to you” Um what the fuck… Is he ok?

He tells me how dumb I am for still talking to him after everything, I ask him if he really wants to know why & he says he knows why – he’ll just assume it’s because I love him, which is true but I kept my feelings aside & decided a while ago to just use him for sex, which is what he offers, nothing more, then he says “But I do want to make more of an effort. I do miss our chats. Chatting to you properly has made me realize this. You really want to tell me the real reason? Because I know it, there is only one reason a person sticks around this long and puts up with my bullshit, and leaves little sex crumbs of cookies all the time for me. And one that makes a person an idiot more than anything” he definitely thinks it’s about my feelings for him, which is obviously part of it. But what the fuck is he doing? As I am leaving the gym that night, he surprisingly says “Just a heads up I won’t be around much tomorrow, but I am committed to this and do plan improving things between us and improving communication to you“ Um, am I in an episode of the twilight zone?! What the actual fuck is going on here!

Despite saying he’s not going to be around much, he messages me a lot more than I expect & a lot more than some days he’s had full availability to talk to me. He says that I boggle his mind, but he is genuinely boggling mine… Is this some fucking dumb game he is playing? He has told me earlier “I’m a pretty Shifty and careful fucker, master manipulator and compulsive liar” These are all traits I know & I have been on the receiving end of his lack of empathy & manipulation a few times but what is his end game here? If I ask, he’ll say he’ll just missed me. But I’m sure there is some master plan here, I am just not privy to it.. I have told him it’s just sex for me, I made him just sex in my head for years but I do allude to the fact there is more there for me. That recently I felt a spark again. But I never say it. He logs off for the night & I expect that he won’t message for a few days or weeks, going back to the ‘regular schedule programming’ as he put it.

The next day, only 4 short days since I saw him (& has also fucked his wife in that time), he says “Just going to put it out there. Your a dumbass to still love me. And I know you doubt or question every thing from me. Whatever percentage left in your heart after everything, I think its fucking insane. But there is also always a place in my heart for you too somehow despite how much I’m try to resist you, push you away, keep my distance or even just treat you like total shit. And I have spent years trying to replace you, always drawn back online, trying to replace our banter, our friendship , our connection we have always had….our chemistry…. not even for an affair or for sex, simply for the bullshit, it never happens , I’ve met some cool people over time but it never last long, always heading back to things like the anonamys app and chat app trying to replace you. Turns out you’re un replacable , because I fucking tried pretty hard, even at the sake of you and not giving you my full attention or even a message when I could, again intentially to create distance and push you away. But that’s enough about that. I hope your sexy ass has a good day at work. Chat sometime soon “ FUCK!

I know he’s offline so I take some time to respond… I tell him that I had decided that since I had him for sex, any time I have looked for a relationship online, I didn’t want to sleep with them right away & add to my body count, turns out, if you don’t have sex on the first date – even if it is a walk on the beach, you generally never see them again! & that is, if you can even get them to meet you! He reckons that women don’t use men for sex, but they really do. I mean I am not getting anything else from this man right now – am I? I get his body once a month & that’s it. He doesn’t give me a stimulating conversation anymore, he doesn’t challenge my mind at all, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I can’t ask him things like I use too because he logs off for weeks at a time, he doesn’t spend much time with me, but I am not getting anything physical from any other person, that I would just keep him in my life. Decompartmentalising has been my friend for years. I am the queen of squashing my feelings and hiding anything real from him.

I tell him that our problem was never about him setting expectations about our sex, he always told me when he only had a short time, so I would know that it isn’t just – as he says ‘wham, bam thank you mam’ however it’s always been that he never set the expectations with our chat. He doesn’t say goodbye or goodnight, leaving me hanging for weeks, mid conversation. It was the number one thing that pissed me off both during the first affair & the sole reason why the second affair ended like it did. He starts out acting one way & then either feels guilty about me or her or whatever & so he pulls away. Whatever the fuck reason, he sets the scene then he pulls away. I have made peace with the radio silence now after 5 years, at first I hated it but it is what it is, so it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I also am painfully aware that he is now opening up this dialogue for whatever reason & any day now he could change his mind again so I have to stay guarded.

But yet somehow, Alice is pulled down the rabbit hole, our bitmojis on snapchat are wearing matching clothes & mine is way taller than his, that I joke with him about it, this leads to a conversation of me wearing his t-shirt, only his t-shirt & fucking over the kitchen bench, it’s the first time in years that we stay up well past midnight together jerking off… Sending pics & being downright dirty. But I am still none the wiser about what the fuck is going on!

#IBD4U

February 2025

This month I discover an app that has replaced the anonymous app. It’s called something similar & looks almost identical, even being purple like the old one. I log on, thinking that surely, he has no idea about this app, but there is Marvel, with an exact replica post from the old app on the new app, two weeks ago, there is also one 4 months ago, 9 months ago, 10 months ago, 1 year ago & 2x from 2 years ago… Fuck me, 2 years!? I shouldn’t be surprised; this man always liked a chat with randoms. I know people say that he’s probably fucking other women, & let’s face it, he probably is & I have no doubt would if he could but I don’t really believe that he is currently. But I guess it’s just a bit of a shock that he’s been on here for 2 years & quite obviously exactly like he was on the other app, no disguising, thinking that I would never find it. I guess I may have it I had of gone looking for a similar app 2 years ago.

The only reason this upsets me is because I am here, free to chat. Free to converse with this man & here he is trolling to chat to other women, not for the love or so he can cheat, it really just fills a void in his marriage that was there long before they got married or I met him… I just get hurt because why doesn’t he want to chat to me? I get that we get sucked in, but why doesn’t he chat to me just a little more regularly? I guess it’s probably smart to keep his distance. But of course, I have to, don’t I – so I send a message on this new app & he never replies. I forget about the app a lot so forget to check it on it but when I do, he hasn’t posted again or replied to me.

Our schedules don’t match up a lot, so it’s the end of February before I see him again. Well they would have 100% lined up if he talked to me more or came online more, but being that he keeps his distance, it makes it hard to organise. He, of course always blames me for being a temptress & enticing him but doesn’t take long before I arrange to work from home again & he comes over, I have found my little slut choker & so I put it on, while searching for it I find my gold little glo mesh top which I put on with some black panties & I’m kneeling on the bed when he walks into my room, with him catching a glimpse in the mirror when he walks up the hallway. Even though I am fatter than I have been in a long time since he’s fucked me, I am feeling confident & I want him to feel it today. I undress him & while kneeling on the bed, I bend down to suck his cock.

We talk about him jerking off & what he thinks about – I am interested if he pictures it like a movie or more like I do & I picture that he is with me, when my hands touch me, I pretend they are his. He says that he is more like a movie for him, that he just thinks about me & jerks off. I love hearing that he pictures me, he doesn’t say every time, some times he watches porn & just jerks off, other times he watches porn & thinks about me doing whatever he’s watching to him & he jerks off. I find it so intriguing, I know people have jerked off thinking of me, because they’ve told me, but I love hearing that he is doing it even when he barely speaks to me.

Today he lets his guard down more than usual, in fact more than he ever has in this third time around – what is that all about? He hugs me which he doesn’t ever usually do after sex anymore. Like not just hugging but he runs his hands all over me & holds me tightly, like a proper snuggle. I like it but its weird… So unusual for him & I wonder if he is going to tell me he’s dying, because I’m so used to the ‘don’t get close to me’ mantra he told me constantly at the start. He talks a lot about his Facebook group & how much money he is making from it. Good for him. I’m so fucking jealous that my blog never made me money. But he has way more followers than I ever did or could hope for. When holding me, he tells me that he has made some videos & he took my advice (which I don’t really remember giving but I’ll take it), using his own voice to narrate it rather than AI. I am a smug bitch when he told me post coital, that it’s because of me that he had the courage to do it, that I am so glad he couldn’t see my face! He says that I gave him the confidence to do it – he does a smooth buttery voice, but I might be bias. Anyway after he leaves, I do end up stalking the page to see a video or two (ok, perhaps I watched everything I could find, even if they aren’t really on a topic that interests me that much, I love finding out info on topics that are interesting to him). His voice sounds good & he does a good job narrating the videos.

He was at mine for 2.5 hours, another weird thing because he normally rushing off when he cums saying to me to get back to work, however today, even though we fucked twice, he didn’t cum. He stopped himself from cumming then got up after we fuck the first time & the snuggle & said that he needed to piss that’s why he didn’t cum, he gets up to go to the bathroom, I think he’ll pick up his clothes & leave when he comes back to the bedroom (because he usually does), but he doesn’t, he gets back on the bed with me & snuggles again. We chat about my work because fucking hate this HR job & he supports me with the suggestion that I should probably stay there if I am settled & it’s not that bad – no one likes their work. But then again, I am not also making $1000 per week off Facebook. I do want to refinance & be settled a bit so I am not job hunting constantly, I will settle into this role a bit. He also tells me that his wife is now taking a weight loss injection & using the money he’s making from Facebook for it. He says that she wasn’t ever interested in the page until it started generating income.

He mentions something about our first meeting & we talk about my garlic breath, & he says that it was the sexiest fucking thing when I grabbed his dick & pulled him into my bedroom. I don’t remember leading him with his dick, but he said multiple times (not just today) that I did it & he remembers how sexy it was. I mean it does sound like something I would do now with him, but back then I’m not so sure.

Later that afternoon, he chats online more than usual, I tell him that he should record my erotica stories for me, his voice is so sexy but he says that he won’t – I secretly hope that he does & sends to me for a sexy treat, but it’s Marvel so I won’t hold my breath… I sent him a screenshot of one yesterday for another reason, so I hope that he will… The next day despite having told me he is busy (my biggest pet hate for people to say – you are not busy, you just aren’t prioritising me), but he chats more than usual again – I somehow tell him the story of Boyfriend & valentines day when I had the tiniest shred of confidence with him & he shattered it in an instant, I dressed in a nightie & waited in the bedroom with a beer for him & he laughed a weird laugh like what are you doing, then laid down & went to sleep. It was embarrassing & I have bad body confidence at the best of times, so the fact that he just laughed it off really cut me deep, I think still to this day.

Marvel tells me that one of his favourite qualities is our friendship & honesty, but it also boggles his mind why I still fuck him. Is he fishing for me to tell him I have feelings for him? Surely after all this time he can still see it in my eyes as I can see it in his? & surely after 5 years of this third affair,  he isn’t fishing for feelings? I ask why & he says “Because I have broken your heart multiple times, intentionally created distance in our friendship, and have multiple flaws in my personality (that I have always admitted Including my narcissistic traits and lack of empathy)” He also tells me that it scares him every time he comes back online, I ask why & he says “But I have intentially over the years purposely neglected our friendship online and in text form to stop either of us becoming co dependent on each other , and also selfishly for me just waiting for the day ‘hey Marvel, I’ve meet someone and I really want to make it work and for the time being we can’t see each other’ or however the fuck way you plan on wording and telling me you can’t have amazing sex with me” I am always scared that he will tell me that she knows & he can’t see me anymore too… He will 100% dump me without a second thought, again, I am not that delusional. He’ll log off & I will have no way to contact him & he’ll ghost me.

I do think about him actually choosing me, not because she finds out or because she leaves him, but because he chooses me. This is weird though, he is being so weird & I can’t figure out why or what is going on but something is different… I guess he picks up on it too because he tells me that he’ll stop being weird now – ironically, he doesn’t, the shit just gets weirder!

#IBD4U

January 2025

There are little moments in time where I think stupid shit. I don’t talk about this often, or ever really but every now & then, more often than I care to admit I imagine that Marvel is in my life as my real partner, coming home to me, in bed next to me, doing mundane things like mowing the lawn or washing clothes, even packing the dishwasher. Sometimes it feels so real that I am disappointed when he doesn’t actually walk through the door, or he doesn’t come up behind me kissing my neck or even as Boyfriend used to do when I was bending over packing the dishwasher, he’d come up behind me & dry hump me – I used to think it was weird when Boyfriend did it, not knowing this was a normal thing, but I’d give anything to have a mundane everyday experiences with Marvel like this.

It’s disturbing how often I think about it, particularly lately since we barely talk about anything & obviously I never get it. I don’t want a happy ending, an ending means the end… I want the happy in between, will I ever get the in between with Marvel? When he doesn’t talk to me for weeks on end, it’s hard to think that we even had anything at all, he doesn’t think about me, he doesn’t have feelings for me, maybe he never did… I question this a lot as you know…

But oddly, I wrote the above bit before this. It’s his 40th birthday, I send him a message despite him not being online for over 2 weeks over the Christmas/new years period – as usual, I am not surprised, I want him to know – just like he let me know with the citronella candle incident that I do care about him & am thinking about him. I don’t show it as often as he does, that’s for sure, keeping my cards always close to my chest because I have to protect myself as he dictates when we speak & see each other. So I say happy 40th & send a snap of me exposing myself from my little silky white dressing gown saying that I hope I can still make his old cock twitch. He doesn’t come online so he doesn’t get his birthday message & my mind wanders to the fact he’s probably getting birthday sex from her & I’m far from his mind. Why would I be in his mind when he is getting hot, kinky sex from the woman he married?!

Yet when he comes on the next day – just as he did last year, he says ‘OMG it did. I jerked off to the thought of fucking you this morning’ Well it was a sexy video, or perhaps he means before? I ask before or after watching the video & when he says ‘before’ I smile which surprises me. So maybe he does think about me when he’s not talking to me? Maybe he didn’t get even mediocre birthday sex? I just don’t think about that, because he’s quite clearing wanting to keep the distance, not only did he set the precedence very early on in affair 3 to chat so sporadically, you can’t really call it chatting but he also doesn’t communicate with me much via text that it’s clear to me what I am to him, I’m just the woman on the side who give him the best sex he’s ever had.

I know the thought of someone jerking off about them is somewhat creepy, but these are the things that remind me that this guy is not over me – albeit it might just be about sex, but he thinks about me, even when he’s not replied. He told me so many times during the second affair that he held back a lot & I know that he is holding back even more now, which is why he doesn’t message me often because he is keeping the boundaries up. I get that I hurt him when I ended it the second time but too bad, he fucking destroyed me the first time. I make no apologies for hurting him while saving myself, he didn’t give a fuck about hurting me, I’d do it again in a heartbeat to save myself.

You know what song comes to mind – I hate everything about you by Three Days Grace, I fucking hate this guy, why would I think about a future with him? Because ‘I hate everything about you, why do I love you?’ Why do I? Because he leaves me these little nuggets to keep me interested? To keep me hanging? Is it intentional or does he mindlessly do it?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Only when I stop to think about you
I know
Only when you stop to think about me
Do you know?

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Adam Gontier / Neil Sanderson / Brad Walst / Gavin Brown

I Hate Everything About You lyrics © Emi April Music (canada) Ltd., Noodles For Everyone, 3 Days Grace Publishing

The last week of school holidays & the last week of January, when he tells me that he can sneak to see me lunchtime on Saturday – normally I have clients for my little hobby lash business, but given it’s a long weekend, I booked everyone around the days so I could have a 3-day weekend myself. I never fully believe that he is going to come over, I mean he’s bailed before so I never count my orgasms until I am having them, hahaha!

I wake up around 7:00am when I see that he is typing on snapchat, I look at it & he says “I woke up hard thinking about fucking you today” fuck. He never says things like this… I lay in bed for a while before I go get the dirt for my lawn & come home. I want to be in gym gear for him today – I’m not sure why, maybe because it’s been a while since he saw me in it or because it’s what I feel good in these days. The morning seems to be taking forever, I unload half the dirt, chatting to him on & off over the day – mainly about not kissing (our usual little thing we say that we aren’t going to do but always end up doing! Such a dumb threat). Once it gets close to lunchtime, I go inside to relax a bit to cool down being he’ll finish work at 12:00 pm. But at 12:10 pm, I get a message saying he’s 5 mins away, FUCK so I sort the dogs out & wait to meet him.

I don’t hear him pull up, but I hear my door open & I go down the hallway to meet him & instantly stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. Fuck. Well that didn’t go well! I take him to my bedroom & I undress him, still fucking kissing him even though he’s laughing at me, I say fuck you & he grabs me tighter, kissing me more… I lean into the kiss & am kissing him back taking off his shirt & unbuckling his pants. I am kissing him more than I planned, so I turn him around & push him back on the bed, sucking his cock deep with just my mouth, his vocal about how good it is, when I open my eyes, I realise he is wearing something on his other wrist, usually he has the watch that I gave him that I got for free when I got a phone & on the other wrist, it looks like a fit bit. I don’t get a good look at but later I realise it’s like a leather band that he probably got for his birthday- from her but I don’t really know what it is. Later, I also notice a ring on his other hand, I guess it’s probably a Christmas or birthday present? It’s more like the type of wedding ring I would have expected him to wear if we got married. I put them both out of my mind.

I climb on him, as he kicks off his shoes & I ask if he is ok with me dry humping his cock in my gym pants – this has been my porn fetish, if you remember that I have been watching a lot of recently. I’ve shared this with him before too, so he says that it’s hot & he like me in gym pants. After I’m done dry humping him in pants, I take off my gym pants, he takes off my bra & I rub my panties over his cock so much so that I am close to cumming… But before I do, I pull my panties to the side & slip his dick inside me. I ride him & I am quickly building & he grabs my tits & I cum hard, so hard on his cock. I am panting & huffing, trying to gather my breath that I fall in a heap on his chest with his cock still inside me, him pumping his hips from below me.

He fucks me a little from underneath, pulling my panties up to make them rub on my clit – I find out later that he has a little pantie burn on his cock from them rubbing him. It’s not unusual for him to pull my panties up to use them as a method to torture my clit, I lean back & let him do it for a bit longer before I climb off to take off my panties & he goes down on me. He makes me cum then fucks me hard & quickly, he turns me over & fucks me from behind pulling my hair so tight before he fills my cunt with his cum.

Laying there afterwards, he tells me that he can’t stay long as they’ve left the kids home since they both went to work & being that he only works till 11:45am, but later he tells me he wrote till 2:00pm on the whiteboard so he could get to my house to fuck me. When I ask questions, I notice that he repeats everything I say after I say it, I’ve never noticed this as much as I did today. I wanted to ask about his eye/brain tumour, but I didn’t for some reason, probably because all the cum & air pushed up my vagina made a noise that sounded like a fart & I haven’t ever in all this time, farted in front of him with him knowing or hearing so I’ve been concentrating so hard on not letting the noise come out my vagina & not moving that I didn’t talk that much.

After he leaves, he texts me to tell me that it took him an hour to get home but it was worth it, I tell him that it’s lucky he wrote 2:00pm on the whiteboard! I don’t know why, but no matter when he messages me, particularly when he gets home, I catastrophise it & think that he is going to tell me that she knows & that she’s on the way to my house, which of course, those messages never come.

Thank fuck for that!

#IBD4U