Phoenix #67

August 2025 – Heart Attack

20 August 2025 – I am going to be stubborn & not write to him first, he will chat when he can… We all know how well that went years ago when he said that to me then told me later when we did reconnect, because of me – not him, that I never wrote back to it so he didn’t ever message me ever again! I know he will hate this, but chances of him reading are slim, but I am chatting to J-Lo about what’s happening with Phoenix & J-Lo tells me to message him, try & call him… So I message – I don’t know what I message I write because I delete both messages when he doesn’t answer my call or message me, I don’t think they were bitchy so I don’t know why I delete them. I don’t even know if he’s online – assuming he wasn’t… So I send, “Ok then, chat tomorrow?” & he never reads it… Another day since starting this that we don’t talk, so much for missing me & literally saying yesterday that he didn’t want to fuck me off & doesn’t want to go back to how we were.

I told you it wouldn’t last, didn’t I?! Every time he treats me poorly, a little peice of my connection with him dies… Like the Beasts rose in the west wing with petals slowly dropping every day, our connection is wilting & with it, my feelings for him…

21 August 2025 – He logs on the next day & says “What did you delete haha? I was stuck at work all day yesterday and stuck on tills and couldn’t chat much.” Much? He didn’t chat at all… I can’t help it, I say, “Not even hello? Yet, you didn’t want to go back to how we were…” But I’m going for a more melancholy tone than bitchy, he says that he thought this was what I wanted… No I didn’t want to cut you out of my life all together, “No, I gave you an out, you said you didn’t want it then ignore me… I’m trying because you said you didn’t want to go back to how we were…” He says, “I’m confused …. but I don’t want to keep upsetting you every week. But hello 😜” I don’t want that either… “Well, you don’t want to be vulnerable to me anymore for some reason & because you don’t, I feel like you don’t even like me, let alone love me & I feel like I’m bugging you, so I back off, so you back off further… “ He was so vulnerable when he started this, he literally put all his cards on the table, took a big risk & now doesn’t care about what happens to us? “You never bug me unless you are getting angry and frustrated at me .” I feel like I can’t show any emotion to him at all, because when I do, he pulls back & makes it worse, when all he has to do is say something like ‘I miss you’ but he doesn’t… We do talk on the phone today, It is a lot better but still strained… I am taking J-Lo’s advice that Phoenix is going through something & I need to just be there for him…

I ask Phoenix if he is working this weekend & ask to come see him for a hug. I never asks & he said a while ago he hates being the one that has to ask all the time. I offer up different times & he says he can’t be long – since when has it ever been more than his 30 minute break? This pisses me off, I finally ask to see him & he can’t commit, so I say, “You can just say no.” Why does he have to make he it seems like I asked for his first born child, I just asked him to stay an hour after work to see me. I say goodnight & that I hope he’ll find time tomorrow to at least say hello, he says he’ll try but can’t guarantee anything. Why is he being such a cunt when he literally said he doesn’t want to fuck me off? A petal from the rose drifts slowly to the floor…

22 August 2025 – It’s Friday, he doesn’t log on at all… So again, I take J-Lo’s advice & I message Phoenix all day, including sending two pictures one of me in lingerie because I’ve lost 6kgs & feeling better about myself finally, “Good morning buttercup! Yummy lunch… Becoming a staple in my diet. Already got my first excuse to my new filing system… “ I’d told him about the new filing system because I wanted his thoughts on it & he’d agreed with me, “Apparently PHD can’t find anything, he said it was in the dept folder…. I said it’s all still there, just in a folder called the deot name & then the folder inside is the exact folder you had in a random bids folder…. Like I didn’t move the data inside the folder, it’s all sorted as it was… He was like but how do we know what’s in progress… Well you use the CRM, not use the files to sort out what’s in progress…” Later that night I am still talking to myself, getting more & more deflated… As if I could possible be hurt by the man anymore, but here we are, he may as well be stabbing me, “I went to the dog park after work for a walk, had another fro pro pie for dinner. Now watching a movie…”  When I finish the movie, it’s time for a sleepless night… I am supposed to see him this weekend, but I think I’ve really fucked it up this time… “Guess I’ve really pushed you away if you’ve now not come online 3 days this week… So I’ll say nighty night baby cakes, hope you’ll message tomorrow & I can come see you for your first break. Night xxx.” Reading back in this, I am so stupid, this isn’t love. This isn’t even friendship… Another rose petal falls…

23 August 2025 – He messages me at 6:20am, I know he’s been up for hours & I know he’s been at work for a while so I try not to let that bother me… I said it before but when I look back at this I know I seem  a little unhinged, but when you’re in it & being disrespected every fucking day, it’s hard not to react at how you’re being treated, when you were told the complete opposite.

I suggest that I come to see him today for his break, we have got tomorrow planned but we need some more damage control… I don’t know what else to do… but he says, “My breaks are so hard to predict with this shitty cost cutting roster.” They were always hard to predict but he did it & I came to see him, every fucking weekend… Why is it so different now?! But I take heated lasagna to his work, like the fuckwit that I am but maybe he’ll see how hard I am trying & how little effort he’s putting in… We sit chatting like normal, tension yes but more relaxed than it has been that we kiss & hug a bit today too… I tell him that I was accepted into the Christmas Pageant again this year & it surprises him that I am into that. This will be my second year doing it. When he goes back to work, he sends, “Thanks for seeing me pretty pagent lady.”

Ironically – or maybe not ironic, but bloody obvious, because things were better face to face, he messages a lot more this afternoon, mainly about food & how hungry he’ll be tonight when he gets home. But he replies consistently… I take the conversation to sex & how much I want him to fuck me, because that will keep him chatting also, which it does… Until he says that he has to go , so I say “Night. See you tomorrow fuck buddy! Xxx” That is what he is, he is a fuck buddy, this isn’t love… This isn’t a relationship, this isn’t a boyfriend, this isn’t friendship, this is fuck buddy territory again. Another petal wilts to the ground….

24 August 2025 – I been making a fuck ton of effort this week, trying my hardest to not show any emotion & keeping that swiftly wilting rose from dying. I have been messaging even though he’s not come back online three days this week, he’s chosen not to make things better & chat to me, but I am chatting & hiding my feelings. Two of those days I tried & he didn’t even come online. I’ve also noticed that he’s turned off his location, it was sporadic at best anyway, but he’s now turned it off completely. Rightio then.

He’s barely talked to me this morning, at 6:00am, I know he is at work, but hasn’t messaged… I want sex so I have to put in the effort here & not be pissed off… I can’t be myself around him, my reaction to the way he’s treating me is making him regret his decision to start A3V2.0…. “If you didn’t wake up with at least a semi, thinking about fucking me today, we can no longer be friends…” I have to wait two hours before he replies. “No comment Wait how did you wake up?”

We haven’t said anything about catching up today but I get ready putting on panties I had made with Phoenix’s face on them.. I’ve had them for long while & also another pair with his name in diamante letters across the back of them that I have been saving for a date day, but I don’t think there are going to be many of those in our future, so I put the pair with his face on & get in my car & head down to his work with lunch & wait. I haven’t said anything so I click on snapchat to update my location & he can see I am here without me having to say anything. Why the fuck don’t I just say I am there?! But fuck him, he’s not replied to my last message, & like I said I have put in an enormous amount of effort this week, with barely anything in return, me putting in more & more effort is just fucking me off. But like J-Lo said to me, just be nice, just be sweet & for now put my feelings aside – which haven’t I done that for eight years? So I try, oh my god do I try but it’s so hard because it’s not really my usual style to be sickly sweet & beg for someone’s time.

It’s been almost ten minutes since he finished work & he hasn’t messaged or come out. Maybe I got the time wrong. His car is still here, so at least that’s something. But then, for some reason, I turn to look at his car & see him walking toward it. WTF. My heart starts racing, he’s carrying stuff, so maybe he just wants to put that in his car before he comes over to where I always park. That’s ok I guess. But then, I see him get into his car, he puts the brakes on, my heart starts pounding & then I see the reverse lights. Maybe he’s just moving his car closer to me. He hasn’t messaged or looked at my last message of my cunt being drippy. I haven’t messaged either – but why would I when he hasn’t even looked at my last message. But he pulls out of the park & sits there for a little bit. I think he must have seen my car parked in the usual spot & he will pull back in or drive towards me just moving it to a different spot but he doesn’t. He drives right out of the carpark… WHAT THE ACTAL FACTUAL FUCK? I know things have been weird, he’s told me he doesn’t want to go back to how we were just fucking monthly with minimal communication. He’s said that he doesn’t want to piss me off or make me angry but he’s pulled away so much that I feel like I am bugging him, so I am pulling away, which makes him pull away, because of course Phoenix has to be the most angry & stubborn. But I didn’t expect to push him away so much he just fucking ignores me & goes home!!

I am shaking like a leaf, I am going to just go home, this is fucking wretched!! Fuck him. What a fucking prick. I think I might cry, but tears won’t come yet. Maybe on the drive home they will. I don’t see which direction he goes but I think fuck it, I am going to ring him. What the fuck is he doing?! I call & he answers with a hello pretty quickly. I ask if he forgot something & he says no. I tell him I am sitting at his work & just watched him drive off. I am surprised with how hard & fast my heart is beating, that my voice is so calm. I have never felt so awful with him, watching him just drive out without any regard for me. When he says that he’s heading to my house. I ask why, knowing that he only has a short time that he would know that I would meet him for car sex. He says that he didn’t know because I didn’t say anything, but neither did he. I want to believe him, but I bet he just fucking forgot or didn’t want to say no…. Fuck I feel like a fucking fool. What a tool… I just rocked up, doing what Phoenix normally does. He’d told me he finished at 12:30pm so I was just there waiting, urgh.

I didn’t see which way he drove off, but I do notice that he does come back as if he’d had headed to my house & not his… Maybe it was true. When he gets in the car I tell him that he’s lucky I called & didn’t send something bitchy, I tell him that I almost just went home. I guess I wouldn’t have been that far behind him I guess so we would have ended up at my house around the same time anyway so I would have calmed down when I saw him at my house. Or would I have seen him driving to my house & called him cos I saw him driving that way?

Anyway, we have a laugh about it. It feels so good to laugh. Fuck it feels so good to laugh with him… But this is what I mean about the communication dropping off. It’s not about the fact that he’s so busy & can’t message, it’s that during this affair V2.0, we have been so open & communicative that there hasn’t been any mix ups, obviously we’ve had fights cos & being we don’t see each other face to face often so our communication via text (even more so now that he’s my boyfriend) needs to be on point & without this fucking game playing, but this unavoidable, if he just fucking messaged me to communicate… He didn’t even say he was on his way…

I drive us to a spot we’ve been before, a dead end road that heads off into a couple of paddocks. I ask if he wants lunch or a fuck first & he says fuck. We get into the back seat & start kissing, I show him the panties I had made from Shien or Temu that have a picture of his face on them. He laughs & says that are so wrong. I laugh & ask why, I think they’re hot. He even asks where I got them from & keeps saying they are just wrong. He does laugh, but his reaction is not what I expected, I mean I knew he wouldn’t like his face on panties but this feels like he is annoyed or something that I did something like this… This is probably the first time I am genuinely embarrassed with him.

We fuck in the back of my car, hot, rough & steamy. I get so hot that I take my dress completely off & open up the sun roof. He ends up finishing on top of me, pounding harder when I ask him to fuck he hard & it makes him cum inside of me. As I am moving about the car & getting dressed again, his cum drips out & I am grateful for the leather seats. I make his lunch, which is a chicken strip & egg salad wrap, he says that they’re yummy & thanks me for bringing him food.

I drop him back at his car & he follows me out of the car park. I am not too far away from him when I see him calling me. Not his usual thing to randomly call me, especially less than two minutes from seeing me. He also doesn’t use his phone while driving because he only has one eye, so it’s weird, cos also it’s not easy to pocket dial on snapchat. I answer & he lets me know that I have only one brake light & no indicator light. I think that’s so fucking sweet that he’s bothered to call & not just text me when he got home – I try not to think it’s because he won’t text when he gets home! But he says that I should get it fixed because I drive so far to work now, that I could be defected. I pull over & check to make sure that my indicator is working but the brake light isn’t, so I will stop & get a bulb on the way home. He talks to me about crap to do with car lights until he gets home. While I’m pulled over, I send him a picture of my panties with his face on it & he still says that it’s so wrong.

He chats a lot the arvo, about me fixing the brake light & the fact that after seeing him I met dad to look at a caravan. I don’t think I have mentioned this, but I’ve been looking at buying caravan. My parents have decided since my sister bought a brand new caravan & they have theirs up & running that they would help me buy one because it cost so much when I got the cabin.

Anyway Phoenix gives me shit about it, “You got a caravan yet loser? 😜” but I fucking hate to admit this, given the state of our relationship, but every single one that I look at, I think about him & where his kids would sleep, as well as my dogs & now that my parents have said they will store it for me, I seem to be looking at slightly bigger ones & the bigger ones have a double bed & two single beds, perfect for his kids. I obviously don’t tell him this, ever, I just talk about the fact that he’s going to have to christen it with me. I say that I can bring it to our little dead end spot but he says that we could take it anywhere & my little heart tingles with the prospect that one day in the future we could use this together – that wasn’t his message, but my brain always goes to other places. I need to log off because I am really thinking about a future that will never happen, “Yep exactly. Go for a drive, pull over fuck & keep driving. Anyway, fuck buddy, you probably should go. Chat another time. Xxx.” Maybe today a rose petal was saved…

#IBD4U

Phoenix #66

August 2025 – Enough is enough

17 Augst 2025 – When I know his roster, I wake up, usually early because of the dogs, but of couse, I know he’s awake he started at 6:00am yesterday & 7:00am today – he gets up usually two hours before he starts work, but both days, I don’t get a message till an hour into his shift. I wake up, look at my watch & there is nothing from him day after day, that my heart sinks. I literally wake up thinking about him, it now takes him hours to think about me, after being offline since midday the day before. Or even after school drop off the day before.

He doesn’t get it & no matter how much we talk about it or I tell him how I feel, nothing changes, it just puts more of a wedge between us. Yes I am putting that wedge with saying goodbye as soon as I know he is home with his family, but I have only been doing that for a week, Phoenix has been driving me to this for over two months & we’ve only been in this A3v2.0 for less than six months.

Perhaps I am moody from the electrician, perhaps I have just let this build up so much that I knew I was going to snap & look crazy to everyone. But looking back I can see that this is a bit unhinged, but when you’re in it & you feel so fucking insignificant to the man that you give everything you can too, it’s hard not to be reactive but it’s like I finally get clarity & I see what he’s been doing for the last two to three months…

I could message first but you know what, he’s up way before me all the time & if I know he’s up & not messaged me, then it’s up to him to message me first, I obviously am not as important as he told me I was. One thing I am surprised about is that he never says that I could message him first… I mean I do, but I haven’t been up since 4:30am & at work since 6:00am. We caught up for lunch yesterday – I was in a mood & I was going to say something, but I didn’t. At almost 8:00am, he says “Good morning” I told you the nickname thing wouldn’t last, didn’t I? I had drafted a message ready to send when he finally logs on. I sit on it for an extra 30 minutes thinking I probably shouldn’t be like this, before I think fuck it, maybe me putting it out there will shake this up? I send my prepared message, “Morning. You’ve unofficially been doing it & I should’ve seen it earlier because it’s been perfectly obvious, I am more into this than you… So I didn’t want to believe it. I guess I’ll officially say it so I can stop thinking about you from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep, being sad when I know you’re awake & at work for hours but haven’t messaged me so I clearly am not in your thoughts like you are in mine – you are the only busy one in this relationship afterall. We can go back to how we were, seeing each other maybe once a month & just chatting when your busy life allows. I’m not an obligation, so you are free to do as you please. Message when you want/can, I’ll reply when I can. I will stop putting pressure on you to be more than just fuck buddies.”

It hurt to write & it hurts to send… & it hurts looking back that I said I was more into this than him – I regret saying that, his ego did not deserve it & I meant it, as in I was more commited to making an effort than he is. I have never expected much from him besides communication because we can’t be together or talk all the time, we need to communicate our availabilities – he said he wanted to talk more & proves to me every fucking day that I should have held back! Blaming me, in his usual narsicistic attitude that I am the one being pissy & crticising. I know he won’t fight for me, it’s not a test of ‘if you love them, set them free’ bullshit, this is genuinely me trying to let my head – then maybe one day, my heart, be free… “I dont want that. But I cant message you as much as you want me to, and really wish I could 😕” I read it & I don’t reply – what is there to say, besides something bitchy at this point… He doesn’t try to reach out to me again either, as predicted, he won’t fight to keep me in his life… I said message when you want/can, I will just leave the ball in his court.

Then just as suspected, I don’t get any other response from him all day or an attempt to call me at his break, nothing from him again. He won’t fight for this, I’m not playing Russian roulette, I am not doing it for a reaction from him, this is exactly the reaction I expected from him. I am doing it so I can be free, so I can move on. I have thought of this man as my boyfriend, my best friend & he has pulled away for months, only really giving me one or two months of true ‘missing me’ actions, the closer I got, the further he pushed me away with old & new excuses over & over – that he can’t talk to me all the time (I’ve never asked for that), that he is so busy (like I am not), that we talk on the phone more than we text now (agreed) & also that he falls asleep so early now as he’s an old man. (but he used to wake up to chat to me, now I’m not worth that!)

What he doesn’t get, is that this has nothing to do with him much time he spends messaging me. He shows me time & time again that he doesn’t care & that he has no intentions of even trying to factor me in a 24hr period anymore. What bothers me, is I am again the only one putting in effort. He won’t come to my work as I’ve said before, he obviously can’t just come to my house – I have to go to him. I drive 20 minutes for his 30 minute lunch break, take him a home made, heated up lunch that I make from scratch – when I don’t even cook for myself & then drive 20 minutes home – just so we have time together. I didn’t ask for V2.0. He asked for it, in fact he demanded it, he defined the terms & now he’s changed them & is surprised why I get upset when he treats me like an option.

So if you’re not on the same page as me & on the page with Phoenix, I’ll explain further, maybe repeating myself. I don’t expect & have never asked for him to talk to me all the time. I have asked him to communicate when he is going to go offline while mid conversation & he cannot do that, so I have been signing off when I finish work so I don’t spend my drive home, being pissed off knowing he is available to chat but doesn’t. It’s on me for getting annoyed that he doesn’t message when I know she is at work, but someone who has to literally leave my last message unread because he wanted to talk to me as much as possible but had to go quickly, doesn’t compute to me. If you really want to talk to me as long as you can, much to the detriment of a goodbye to me, he would come online when he wakes up – like he used too, not an hour into his fucking shift!!!

Fun fact: (as he says) The last time I said I love you was on 9 August 2025 thanking him for my birthday weekend, but I got a “love you too” the next day – only in response to me because he logged off so quickly the night before, not reading my messages. The last time he said he loves me without me saying it first was 18 June 2025, however he also called me crazy because I was pissed he’d been at work for a while & hadn’t messaged me all morning… Sound familiar?! What’s the worst part about this is that he said at the very start he only thought we should say it when we feel it… How dumb I’ve been to not notice that he’s no longer in love with me…

I can’t help but wonder, did he push me to go for this job, knowing that I had apprehension about it because it would take up more of my time, that it would be better for him because I wouldn’t be thinking about him as much? But no matter what I do, I am always available or make myself available because I know that his time is limited. So in this new job, that will be no different, I make time for him. I always do. I am a sucker.

I have never asked for more than better communication. I have never asked for him to leave, I have never asked for his undivided attention – besides jokingly on a call because he is always fucking making so much noise & then mumbles into the phone so he has to repeat himself ten times. I just don’t believe he has to be offline for 23 hours now, when he didn’t have too before, but I have stopped letting that bother me. I have never asked him to spend money on me, in fact when he does, I feel weird about it because not only does he tell me how much everything costs, he reminds me often & always says they have no money, despite having a quarter of my mortgages & two incomes. Should I start mentioning how much each meal costs that I make him – including a drink & snacks plus my petrol & wear & tear on the car?! All I have ever asked for is better communication. I have even told him because we don’t get to see each other that often we need to communication better, our fights go on for a week because we don’t get to resolve it. I am done with it.

On this day – I take myself to a jewellery store having seen a ring I would have wanted as my engagement ring, which on a super special, still close to $1000 but super reduced. I buy it. I don’t over think it. I want it. I always wanted a ring on my finger, more than a wedding. I wanted to look at my finger & know I was chosen. I plan to wear it on my ring finger. Trying it on, alone, on that finger, the woman at the store is wonderful but later asks what’s the occasion, I simply said ‘I’m not getting married, so it’s my engagement ring to myself.’ Phoenix has given me a bracelet with love on it, saying that he wants me to look at it & it remind me of his love for me. I look at it & I don’t feel loved. I look at it & I feel like he bought a piece of jewellery for our anniversary while buying his wife jewellery for her birthday too – which he says he got her a massage voucher but who knows what is true. He proved to me on my birthday by defending her & getting so pissed off that he loves her. So this bracelet is not special like I thought it was. I am not special to him. He thinks he’s not special to me because I had sex with someone in a public toilet. I’ve never been special to him. I’m not the first person he ever loved. I’m not a person he bought a house with. I’m not a person he proposed too. I’m not the person he married. I’m not the one he had kids with. I’m not the one he has pets with. I’m not the one he’s even spent a night with. I’m just a criticising bitch on the other end of snapchat. I am not special in anyway to him… This ring will be. Just like my pawprint tattoo on my wedding ring finger. This has made me happier with no tears that you ever can imagine. It’s a pity I can’t really afford a fucking ring now & because I needed a ‘teeny tiny’ size according to the sales lady, I have to wait four weeks before I get it. But I cannot wait for the reminder that ‘I can buy myself flowers, Write my name in the sand, Talk to myself for hours, Say things you don’t understand, I can take myself dancing, And I can hold my own hand, Yeah, I can love me better than you can.’ Yeah Miley, I’ve been doing it for 20 years… What’s another 20 years?!

18 August 2025 – As suspected, not a message, not a call, he’s not even showing up on my maps – not that he has been showing up recently anyway. 175 days since A3v2.0 started, it’s the first day that we don’t speak at all. Snapchat makes fun of me by sending ‘YOUR 136-DAY SNAPSTREAK ENDED.’ I don’t know if he worked today, she normally works late today but she didn’t the other day so I don’t know if she’s at work or not. I am so sad. So incredibly sad that he never fights for me. I did not do this to see if he would fight for me, I already knew his reaction would be to guard himself & not speak to me – I don’t know what from because he’s got a whole other life so if I don’t message him, clearly it doesn’t matter to him & he’s shown me over the years that he can go weeks without messaging me & it doesn’t affect him.

I consider sending him an email explaining how I feel. But I’ve told him countless times, he just thinks it’s because he doesn’t message me enough. No it’s about feeling wanted & that he does actually think about me. I wake up, looking at my watch for a message from him, knowing he has been up for hours & I have nothing. He has no fucking idea what that feels like because I always write back almost instantly, like a fucking fool.

Going back to chatting sporadically & seeing each other once a month will help me regain some of my dignity again… I am the only one putting in effort – he will say he is, but even at work now, he’s SOOOOOO busy because they are cutting costs that he doesn’t message me that much. He doesn’t come any further than my house anymore & when he did come to work when I worked closer, he’d tell me about 400 times how much it cost or his car isn’t registered or some other bullshit that just made me feel bad about coming to meet me for lunch.

19 August 2025 – I cave & message, “I really miss talking with you… 🥺”. I hate myself instantly for the fact that he doesn’t write back & that he seemingly hasn’t even downloaded snapchat onto his phone today… But when he does write back, he says, “I thought you didnt want to talk because all it does is make you angry when you cant talk to me.” I say that I didn’t say I never wanted to talk again, he says that we are still talking. Then he calls me. I don’t know what we talk about, but I know that he would feel attacked as he’s told me he feels criticised by me & I tell him that I feel invisible… So what do we do here?! He says multiple times that he doesn’t want to go back to how we were, only chatting sporadically & catching up monthly, I am reassured by this revelation that he really wants to put in effort… I hope it’s true & I want to stop being so moody about how little regard he has for my feelings.

When we get off the phone, he senses that he should messages first, “I just hate fuckin you off all the time 😕” I hate it too… “Well from now on, I’ll just respond to messages, I won’t initiate anything or expect anything. You can message when you’re awake enough or not sleepy. You can go 24 hours. You can 48 hours. Whatever. You’re in charge, as you always have been If you ever want to catch up, again, let me know.” & he does his signature move, “Ahh okay well I will message you when I can. Chat again soon x, going off-line for the day.”

#IBD4U

Phoenix #65

August 2025 – Her Car

12 August 2025 – He asks how our snap streak ended but to be perfect honest, I thought it should have ended sooner, he hasn’t sent anything since Friday & I thought you both had to send something in a 24 hour period for it to go up. I say that we may as well let it expire because when he goes to Japan, he won’t be sending me snaps then. He says “I might ! You never know.” Um, yeah I do… “You can’t even message me while you wife is in the shower & you’re in a 3bed house with a back & front yard to hide in… You think you’re going to message while sharing a tiny hotel room??” When he says “I would make some time.” I literally laugh out loud & text back that I won’t hold my breath. Is he fucking joking?? He is such a bullshiter.

We chat on the phone for his break & then text a little about my work. I am feeling spontaneous – if that’s the right word, so I call him on my way home but he doesn’t answer, he texts & asks if I meant to call him & I say yes, he says “Haha why. Im picking my kids up.” Don’t they always catch the bus & don’t get home for another 20 minutes?! I say don’t worry & goodnight. He says, “Goodnight sweet pea. 🫛” & then sends me a picture of leek & potatoes soup for dinner. I don’t write back, even though I want to ask for him to save me a serve, he wouldn’t have anyway, even if I did ask… The time for sweet pea is over…

13 August 2025 – This morning he sends, “Good morning beautiful.” To which I ask why he is sucking up… Sweet Pea last night & beautiful this morning but it does lighten my mood – if only he would see simple things like that help… We call for my break today as he’s finished work & his shopping apparently because I whinge when he talks to the checkout people.

He sends me a picture of his bubble-gum ice cream with nerds & fruit tingles that he made with his ice cream maker thing, I ask if he can be my daddy, he says you just want ice cream, which I don’t see what the problem with that is. He asks what flavour I want & I say Biscoff. 

I find an article that is totally us when I read it, & I say that we do all six things.

6 Things Couples With Steamy Sex Lives Do Differently Every Day

  1. They Engage In Freaky Foreplay
  2. They Try New Positions
  3. They Make Sure To Change The Scenery
  4. They Role Play
  5. They Keep Things Romantic
  6. They Have Sex At All Different Times

He takes ages to reply to the article, it’s not that long so he’s not off reading it, so I say goodnight. “I will make you a biscoff one, one day! Oh we have steamy sex 😜Good night my cupcake.” Not sure what is with all the nicknames that make me smile. Spoiler alert, I never get any biscoff ice cream! Not even a taste of one of the flavours he made for the kids!

14 August 2025 – Today’s hello is “Good morning sexy pants.” Which makes me smile too, he has today off so he’s on his bike, when he mentions something about a store he used to work at, because it’s a technology store, I innocently ask why he quit there. I am at work, so I don’t look at my phone – I won’t copy & paste his whole reply because it’s very telling of where he worked but I get 834 words of a reply… Telling me about that work, the work I met him at & the current work & how he ha been bullied & treated like shit despite being a good worker. I mean, I know what that feels like! I apologise for triggering him…

He says that he put snap on his computer today – um, you don’t need to put it on your computer, you just go the website but whatever. He calls me for lunch & we talk about the fact that no matter what he does he can’t win with me, it’s not a fight – it’s something I have been reflecting on. So when we get off the phone I say, “So I know how you can win with me… You remember on Saturday at my house you were sitting in bed, crossed legged, hands neatly in your lap…” & he says how, I say “Just answer me, do you remember sitting like that?” & he says yes, so as I giggle, I say, “To win with me… Sit like that, while on the phone with me 😋 Because you are sitting still & quiet…” He says that he came a few times so he was relaxed, so I tell him to jerk off before he calls me. We laugh as he says he’s like that all the time… Which I know… This jerking off talk gets us onto our mutual masturbation then onto the fight & how he look disinterested when I was rubbing my cunt on his dick, he says he would have backed down, but I don’t think he would have. He never backs down – just read this fucking blog!! “Not going into it now, I’m about to go home & say goodnight. Night have a good evening. Have a good day off tomorrow with your wife sitting right next to you ALL day!. Chat sat.” I give him an out for tomorrow… I won’t mesaage him to chat, unless he does. He says, “Goodnight honey pot xx.”

15 August 2025 – Today’s conversation is just as expected “Good morning. Well not next tto me. But not far!” So I just say “Morning. Have a good day, chat tomorrow!” He won’t read that so I don’t know what I bothered, but he sends me meme which says ‘When she asks me why I never let her see my dick when it’s soft – I’m afraid, all right?’ & he says “You never know” You never know what?! That he’ll chat or show me his dick soft?! I send a snap of me at lunch, missing his call & I say I braved the weather for a walk still. No reply.

16 August 2025 – I know he’s at work, he didn’t give me his roster but he’s told me that this weekend, he starts at 6:00am on Saturday & 7:00am on Sunday. I don’t get a hello from him until well into his shift, he will argue it wasn’t that long but I know he was up at least an hour or more before his shift, it was after 6:30am when he finally remembered me & he hasn’t even bothered to say hello? Am I being the dramatic one?

It’s been a week since we saw each other, I work in the city one day a week now, so it’s not quite as far as the usual office. & his dentist is in the city – which he had cancelled his check up a while ago because I worked from home at my old job – so he could come to the city. But we still have fight about him coming to see me at my work for a change. I know I had said I didn’t want him to come to my work anymore when I was in my old job which was close. But I also don’t want to be the only one keeping up with these lunch break dates that HE FUCKING STARTED!!!

Again he says today that the store manager has cut hours so Saturdays are really busy so he can’t chat much, I say that I hope it gets better. Hours later he says he’ll be on a break soon, I say ok. I have heated up lunch, added salt & pepper, packed a drink & snacks & am on my way. Like an absolute fucking twat.

I pull into his work & where his car usually is – something I always look out for, not sure why but I usually notice that it’s there, always parked in the same spot, close to the intersection, my belief is so that she can see it because he’s told me she drives past every day after getting her coffee, so she must have said something to him to make him park there every time. But his car isn’t there today, it’s her car. Her bright blue car sitting in his spot. Why the fuck does that piss me off so much? It will 100% not mean anything to him besides her car was behind his & he’s not working late so she won’t need it, but to me it’s a clear sign that he wants to remind me that he is married & not leaving her, knowing I would be coming to his work today… I am already in a bad mood, I have driven all this way with fucking lunch for someone that clearly isn’t interested in me anymore & making that perfectly clear, but am I just too dumb to notice! Or just too dumb to want it to end that I am hanging on the scrap of time he now offers me. To top it off, I am in a foul mood, because my tenant has said there is an electrical problem at my unit, the electrician that I called this morning have told me that it’ll be a $400 call out fee for a Saturday, plus parts & time to fix it… FFS.

He writes to me as I am parking “I take it you don’t want to see me today.” but I tell him that I am already there & I have food, he says ‘oh really’, which he can see on snap maps, so he comes out to my car. I wish I had a poker face but I am so fucking annoyed. Annoyed at how he’s treating me, annoyed at the cost of the electrician, annoyed he has her car at work, knowing I was coming to see him today – it’s like he just wants to rub her in my face to get me to end it. I am well aware of the situation every time I look at the two rings on his fingers. One his wedding ring & one some other ring that appeared about a year or so ago, assuming a Christmas present in 2023. He did use to wear some leather bracelet thing, I noticed that one day we broke it during sex, which I assume was from her too. But anyway, he doesn’t need to rub in my face he’s with her. That he’s driving her car. I am very well aware of this situation & how fucked it is for me. I wish I had that awareness from him.

One thing I hate the most is that I get such limited time with Phoenix & I am so pissed about something that shouldn’t upset me that much. This electrician shit is in my head. In the end – one calls me when I am with Phoenix to tell me that they aren’t even going to go out today. Dad & I end up going to the unit & fix it for $15, so I am a bit happier, but I haven’t had a message from Phoenix since I left him, he knew I was shitty & did nothing to make it better or reassure me that I am just being a fuckwit, so I say goodnight at 11:15am, it’s not like he wants to make a fucking effort now anyway, so if I say goodbye first then I can be the one that controls the conversation, take back the little control I have. He replies, “Ahh okay. Hope you sorted a electrician. Chat again soon!” & he sends a picture at 12:00pm, of new headphones he’s bought for our daily phone calls. “Hopefully I sound better on these!”

I don’t respond, he’s offline anyway, what’s the point. He will never understand the message sitting there unread for hours, days or weeks even like he’s done to me. He wouldn’t put up with it, if the roles were reversed here, he would be onto the next thing, he wouldn’t wait around for me. I mean when I get angry, he has to be more angry… Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried that. I’ve tried that so many times to move on, but obviously it never worked. But with his lack of empathy & compassion, he would literally move on without a care in the world for me. Yet here I am, always waiting. For eight years I have waited for a snippet of his time.

You know, he calls himself my boyfriend, well in actual fact he never really said it on the first place & he barely ever says the boyfriend/girlfriend words anymore or if he does it’s so rare I don’t recall him saying it – lets not even mention the word love, that’s non existent now. So maybe it’s me, I say the word boyfriend too much to him? I tell him I love him way more than he ever tells me now, which is hard for me to say being that I haven’t ever said it to anyone before, especially when it’s now never said to me in any other way but a response to me saying it first. Why is it so hard to end this, for either of us? He’s checked out & destroying what friendship we have & it’s almost like I need the friendship to be so destroyed that it unrepairable, so I can walk away…

#IBD4U

Phoenix #64

August 2025 – Nothing good happens after 3:30pm

09 August 2025 – I need to break this mood, it’s my bloody birthday weekend… It’s around 10:00am, that I say that I am hungry so we need to work out what we are doing today. It’s supposed to rain & every picnic we’ve tried to do has ended up with rain. So he says that he’s happy to just chill at home today, which I am torn by because I want a date with him, but I also want to just relax with him too. But I want to go out because we never do that & I don’t want to remember what we just did in my room… We never have enough time to do everything I want to do, I go to the kitchen, leaving the mood in my room & start by making up a little platter of all the food, I’m not sure if it’s because it’s at my house but he barely helps with the food, mainly wandering around & eating as I cut things up. Phoenix has defrosted from his pissed off mood a little as he eats, maybe he was just hangry, he touches me from behind a lot as I am cutting things up. I have said earlier that we could have a bath together, so while we are making the platter, he says that we can have a bath, with a cheeky little smirk.

He takes the platter into my bedroom for a bed picnic, sitting on the bed we eat, we chat – keeping the conversation light, there is a tension in the air…We watch an episode of ‘And Just Like That’ then we watch an episode of ‘Rick & Morty’ when he puts the food on the bedside table & we lay down to cuddle. Into the second episode of Rick & Morty, we start kissing, leaning in closer to each other, I have been tickling his balls the whole episode, but he isn’t hard. With some kissing & touching he gets harder & I say that we should do mutual masturbation – he hates me saying the word masturbation & I hate it too, but it’s become a little joke, but when he says that we should do it sometime, I say what about right now. We sit up both stripping naked, while he straddles my legs, I start by rubbing my clit & grabbing one boob, he jerks his cock slowly & grabs my other tit, both of us turning each other on with our words about how sexy this is, we both start going faster & faster & building to an orgasm, he cums all over my stomach, when he sees that I have cum, then we fall in a heap together. We’ve jerked off before with each other, but this was a bit different, this was purely just watching each other pleasure ourselves. It was super sexy & I wanted him to fuck me so badly, I wanted his cock inside me, I even say I do, but fuck that’s fun!

Around 12:00pm, I suggest the bath again, a nice chilled relaxed day with Phoenix. I know he hates baths, first he hates his dick out when it’s soft – but he did say ages ago that I am his girlfriend now & I should see it soft… He hates how fat he thinks he is & he gets bored with ADHD that he doesn’t like just sitting around, but he has a bath with me, we’re not in there long because as soon as I notice how gross the water is, our skin floating around was more than I’ve seen before & it was getting cold, that I put him out of his misery & get out of the bath.

We lay in bed again for a while, talking & cuddling – not fighting about bullshit for a change… But then he starts making pack up noises, getting dressed & telling me he has to go soon, that I start to get sad. This part is always the worst for me, I hate it. I just want him to stay & stay with me for a lot longer. It’s also just after 1:00pm – didn’t he say he put his shift down to 2:00pm?! But he says that he’s worried he’ll get stuck in traffic & that his wife is finishes work at 3:00pm so he can’t be gone too long. I understand, I just hate it. I see him putting on his work uniform & he throws his jumper in my pile of clothes on my chairrobe, that makes me smile but I don’t say anything to him. Ironically though, in the whole time I’ve known him, over eight years now, his wife has worked every second weekend & has always finished at 5:00pm… Literally every single weekend that’s she’s worked… But today she finishes at 3:00pm? Okay, sure… If she stalked me she would have found out my birthday & women remember dates so perhaps she knows it’s my birthday & wants to be home early – I mean I know when her birthday is?! But I am more certain that he is lying about this because he wouldn’t have put a shift down till 2:00pm if she finished at 3:00pm, he wouldn’t have ever cut it this fine, so I don’t believe this at all… But I let him go at 1:30pm, I send him a picture of my flowers & a picture of him in the bath with me, but he says that he looks fat, he doesn’t but that’s his view because the water distorts his body shape. He is wrapping up the day, “Hope our chill day was alright!” I say, “I loved it. I love dates with you but I love just talking & fucking & hanging out… That’s like the first time we’ve got watched proper TV together…  Thank you for my flowers & our bed picnic. & making the effort yesterday to talk & message me…” He says that there’s no need to thank him & he goes offline with three xxx – only because I sent them to him first…

10 August 2025 – I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, but I can’t shake the feeling that yesterday might have been our last real date, instead of feeling close like I usually do after a full day date with him, I am left with the feeling that was strained & hollow. It scares me how quickly something that once felt warm & effortless can suddenly feel like it’s slipping through my fingers.

He sets up another excuse for work, saying his managers have cut back staff to save money, so now that LMA isn’t there, he doesn’t have time to chat because they’re cutting hours. I try hard to get the connection back, I ask if he wants me to bring him the lasagna on his break or see him after work for a little longer, but he says that he’ll be on his break soon, so I guess he only wants to see me for his break. I pack up some of the lasagna (warmed) & take it to his work. I used to say that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, he always says that I had his heart ages ago but this lasagna needs to be magical because I am losing him… But I ask for a friend, can you lose what you never had?!

After I get home for seeing for lunch, after he finishes work & I ask if he is doing something fun in the sun with the kids, because it sucks that today it’s sunny but yesterday was raining when we’d planned a picnic… He says that they are playing on tech as he has too much housework to do… He always has to go from my house to spend time with the kids & when he has a sunny day to do something, he has housework? I mean he can do housework anytime… We talk about me cleaning my spare room & scrubbing the bathroom & cleaning the blind in there.

Sunday night it’s getting closer & closer to 5:30pm but Phoenix is still talking, it’s about 5:45pm when he says goodnight to me, but he’s working all day tomorrow so will be able to chat. I have had a good birthday weekend with him & try again for some connections, he’s not very loving at all these days but he says that feeds off my energy, so I try giving some positive energy, “No worries . Thanks for this weekend. I love you. Xxx.” No response. He doesn’t even read it. FUCK. So I  I write “Yeah rightio then. 🖕🏻” How many fucking times can I tell this fuckwit what a fucking fool I feel like when he fucking does that?!!?!>!?!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck I hate him sometimes, he just does not give a flying fuck about how I feel, no matter how many times I tell him.

I start to think, maybe I’m not losing him, because as I asked, you can’t lose what you never had right… Or is it that I am just losing my tolerance for his bullshit excuses & so I am checking out? I read once that man check out of relationships emotionally & women try to fix it, before realising that there is no point & they end it… Is that what’s happened here? He’s checked out because it’s just too hard to please two women emotionally & I am so deeply invested now, wanting to keep at least a part of our friendship alive that I have been hanging on to a fantasy…

11 August 2025 – Of course he says that he’s sorry he had to go quick. I just don’t believe that he had to delete the app that fucking quick, does she walk in the door, sit on his lap, looking at his phone for the rest of the night? In my experience of watching other people in relationships, they are all on their phones all fucking night so I don’t believe that he has to go so suddenly that he cannot wait to see my reply. I get that he cheated & she knows he cheated through his phone & she checks his phone, but the instant log off is just beyond the pale.

He has said that he doesn’t say good bye so he can talk to me as much as he can, but in all honesty, he is so sporadic after the kids get home from school now, that I am done being the fuckwit fool waiting around. Months ago, I told him that perhaps we shouldn’t talk after work, I used to finish at 4:00pm, I now finish at 3:30pm. But he said he didn’t want that, so I kept talking after work & I have felt like a fucking fool time & time again, when he would log off saying he thought that’s what I wanted… I am done with it. So I start saying goodbye as I leave work at 3:30pm & I refuse to write to him after that. I am also going to do that on weekends that he is home with even just the kids. I am no longer going to be the time filler, I am the main event or I am not part of his day.

Even his phone calls – he just says I’m whinging, but our phone calls during work are limited to 30 mins (if that!) because he usually makes his lunch then calls me, so we’re lucky if we talk for 20 minutes these days. After work he might call me while driving & all I can hear is his car in the background, I barely can hear him talk. He’ll go shopping then talk to the shop keepers, fine I get that he has to do things & am thankful that he calls me, but he literally gives me 20 minutes a day now, that is all & it can’t even be undivided?! Am I asking too much? Maybe… I don’t know. I don’t think so.

We hardly text these days because he doesn’t text at work as much – saying how busy it is now because the other store closed (remember it closed in March!), he doesn’t text around his wife or LMA, he hardly texts around the kids anymore because they require significant help showering & can read his messages – like sure. He says that our relationship has evolved to face to face & the phone calls. However with this new job, we now don’t see each other face to face unless I go see him at lunch at his work – which he doesn’t like asking me to go, so that’s even dropping off. He won’t come to mine now, it’ll be a 1.5 hour one way trip to my work for him.

He never asks why I say goodbye at 3:30pm & he never tries to continue the conversation after I’ve said goodnight, the one time I did say something after I said goodbye & he said his goodbye, he didn’t read it till the next morning anyway, so assuming as soon as he’s said goodbye, even though he doesn’t have to go, I realise that he deletes the app immediately.

So my decision to pull back, doesn’t phase him, he doesn’t care – he’s check out & basically waiting for the day I just snap & end it. He says that he thinks about me all the time but I was thinking about it the other day – Fridays she’s off work & he seemingly has every Friday off, so he doesn’t chat. That’s fine, whatever. I get radio silence because apparently he can’t message around her. I also know she gets lashes done now which take at least an hour every 2-3 weeks which she books on Friday, so he’s a fucking liar, I don’t believe him when he says that he can’t message me on Fridays at all, all of a sudden. He is just choosing not too. You know what hurts more, the realisation that he’s now telling me, a new excuse, by saying it’s hard to log back on, he has to download the app, do two factor authentication with a random email account, message me then delete the app. All that excuse says to me is, you are not worth it #IBD4U…

I have been noticing the shift since late May early that he’s complacent, he said to me once that there is always an end of honeymoon period – but this is from a man who started A3v2.0 because he felt after reading my blog – particularly Marvel #15 – my final Marvel post, which I say that I will always leave a light on for him, that he realised I loved him still… But he really wonders why I said in the last phone call that I love him more than he loves me & the answer is very clear. He read that post, changed the dynamic then pulled away – time after time, saying it wasn’t meant to be what it was. The fucking worst part about that, is that he couldn’t do that without my permission. I allow him to pull me close when it suits him & push me away when it suits him too. I fucking allow it.

Today I get another new excuse, his headphones have died so his manager played his music through the store speakers this morning, so he couldn’t play with his phone. I don’t try to message, I don’t send a picture, I don’t put in any effort. He’s checked out. I need to too. I missed his breaks being in meetings in the office I work at in the city, he does call me before the kids get home but he mainly talks about his headphones the whole time & messages afterwards about his headphones that he’s going to get. I say “Good idea. Night.” & he says “Ahh okay  Good night then…”

The last notification I get is, ‘YOUR 132-DAY SNAPSTREAK ENDED.’

#IBD4U

Phoenix #63

August 2025 – Birthday Picnic

09 August 2025 – I have no idea what time he is planning to come today, he’s said that he wrote that he starts at 6:00am, but then says he’ll write 7:00am. So I have no clue what time he is planning, because I did go out with my family, I had a few wines, nothing major but I don’t drink a lot anymore because I wake up with revolting cotton mouth, so bad that I can barely close my mouth, like there is no saliva left in my body or something. So I get up, use some dry mouth mouthwash, go to the toilet, let the dogs out for the toilet & go back to sleep for a little bit, but I have basically been awake since around 4:00am waiting for a message from him.

I never get a message from him this morning as predicted, he just rocks up just after 7:00am, using his key to come in. I am still in bed because of course I have no idea of his plans, he walks in & I hear him go into the kitchen, doing something that I can’t make out as I have the kitchen door shut. He comes into my room, he gets into bed with me & says happy birthday as we snuggle. We kiss & cuddle, before we have sex within a few minutes of him being there, he goes down on me which he won’t believe me, so I don’t tell him but this is the best head of my life – I’m sure my blog has helped him because he still is obsessed with Crows being the best – Phoenix never understands that our connection & love, makes things so much better than anything I have ever had. He had admitted that he hadn’t done it much & has never done it to his wife so he was good at it, but after reading Crows, he is much better & tries a lot harder. But it’s 100% the best head of my life today. Paired with the fact we always have amazing sex, the most connected I have ever been with someone – no one compares in my eyes, no matter what I ever said in my blog.

After we have sex, I get up to feed the dogs, I notice flowers on the entry bench at the door but I try not to look at them, ignoring them to feed the dogs. He walks in & says ‘I got you flowers’, dumping them on the table, not actually giving them to me, then walks off. I finish feeding the dogs & pick them up, they are stunning coloured roses that I start to put in water, noticing that they were $50 – I don’t say anything but he comes back & notices the price tag & quickly rips it off, he comes back in with a packet of my favourite Oreos which have been deleted – the double stuffed Cinnamon bun, & he dumps them on the bench, not giving them too me either, but we kiss because I initiate it & I say thank you for the thoughtful gifts. He’s also done a click & collect this morning to pick up picnic food – I did wonder how he was going to organise the picnic, I guess that’s how!

While I love the flowers & the oreos – which are definitely enough for a gift, as I wasn’t even sure if he would get me anything at all, so I am a very happy girl, I am slightly disappointed that it’s nothing I can keep. I don’t expect jewellery for every gift, though I wouldn’t complain hahaha, the flowers will die & I’ll eat the oreos then have nothing to show for my first birthday with him as my bona fide boyfriend… Even a card would have been enough to make the gift sentimental… We’ll eat all the picnic stuff & then there will be nothing to show for my birthday. But I can’t tell you how fucking happy I am he’s even organised anything at all, this is so special to me…

We go back to bed & lay down, the dogs are loose so they jump up on the bed as we are lying there, my boy literally is pushing himself between Phoenix & I with his full body length pushing us apart. I laugh at how hilarious my boy dog is, he has literally imprinted on me so much that he gets so jealous – he’s not had a dude to fight for my attention before, so it’s hilarious how he squeezed between Phoenix & I. My girl decides to cuddle up to Phoenix – she loves men & if I had a live in partner, she would 100% turn into his dog… Though I know Phoenix doesn’t feel the same about her, he’s made it clear he doesn’t like my dogs. I take a photo of his legs with the dogs snuggled up next to him… We just lay there chatting & deciding what to do, it isn’t even 8:00am yet. He brings up my blog, which he is reading/listening too with google translate or whatever, so he brings it up again when we get into a semi sort of argument, which lasts pretty much the whole time we’re together & taints the whole day.

If you remember back to Silverlining #17 he tells me that his wife, the technology noob, hacked Facebook with a ‘trick’ to see all my pictures – here is a little bit from that post that’s important to today’s argument:

“When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit!”

So today he is discussing his wife’s Facebook trick & the beauty chick in my street. Phoenix has told me before that his wife was going to this woman in my street for discounted beauty treatments – he always says lashes but then says beauty stuff so I never know what she actually had done. I didn’t know at the time though – when I was fucking distraught & devastated, that Phoenix was fucking driving her to these appointments because she would have a panic attack coming to my street – what fucking bollocks! I’ve talked about this before in my blog when we texted about it but upon reflection during this conversation, I have more to add… I can assure you, no discounted beauty treatment is worth having a real panic attack…. She played him, this actress doesn’t fool me, I’ve had panic attacks, I have medication for panic attacks, they are debilitating. Apparently, she does too, so it’s fucking bullshit she had a real panic attack coming to my street for a cheap beauty treatment. She faked a ‘panic attack’ to make him drive her here, in hopes they would see me, even if it was for a split-second driving past each other, so that she could rub it in my face that they are still together & I was just a play thing as she told me I was. She’s a fucking master! I take my hat off to her…

He’s told me recently that she would post pictures of them together in the hopes that I would see them on Facebook & that she only married him to get back at me, so this confirms that it was 100% just another game she played at an attempt to get back at me, & he was a fucking compliant player… He’s a fuckwit if he really believes that she did that for any other reason but to hopefully see me & piss me off. But the hardest part of having a conversation about her & what makes me the most melancholy, especially on my birthday weekend, is listening to him defending her when I say it’s bullshit that she had a genuine panic attack. He kept saying that he saw how much it affected her, watching her almost vomiting in the car… It hurts hearing him defend her, when I know for a fact he didn’t defend me to her, allowing her to look me up daily & just said ‘I cheated, what can I do?’ but also he never defended me with Cowboys Mistress either, letting her make a fool out of me publicly. I retreat & don’t want to talk, if he really believes she had a panic attack & was genuine, it really hurts me… It’s shows me – & rubs in my face, that he loves her – in whatever way that may be, but he does loves her.

So another angle on this, I have a lash client let’s call her Misty, who has recently started reading my blog, she started at the start & now follows along, then we debrief at her appointments. We have similar personalities & have both been single most of our adult lives. So she read about the beauty treatment bullshit last time I wrote about it & she was like ‘yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that!’ When Misty asks if his wife was getting her lashes done, I say that I am not entirely sure what beauty she had done, but Misty makes a fucking good point that I didn’t think of, she says that she wouldn’t want to bring her partner anywhere near his ex-mistresses house, especially while she is inside on a table with her eyes taped shut for an hour or more…!! Misty said she’d be worried about him walking up to my house, putting something in my letter box or even coming over here to fuck me again… Even if he didn’t stay parked in the street & he went to the shops or something, Misty said she’d be worried that he was actually seeing me, being that it’s so close to my house… FUCK I never ever thought of that point of view… I have said that if he was my partner who had a mistress behind my back, I would never want to bring her up because I wouldn’t want to remind him what he is missing – especially after finding out he was in love with her. So this is the same & surprises me I didn’t think of it, but I wouldn’t want to bring him to the street & remind him of the mistress that he loved… But we all know that she apparently brings me up – to this very day & recently in front of the kids… She punishes him & he takes it & says ‘well I did cheat’ like that’s a reason to be treated that way. Either get over it or break up, don’t keep rubbing it in his face!

So anyway this beauty woman who lives a few doors down supposedly knew all this stuff about my sex life, Phoenix still, as he did back then denied knowing how, originally blaming Sweetie for it. Phoenix now reveals that his wife doesn’t know my beauty business name & only found one photo of me back when she was hacking Mark Zuckerberg daily. One. WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK. Phoenix was very clear & adamant via text & every time we talked about it back then, that his wife was looking at ALL my photos & that he saw them also, that she saw posts on my private page about Papa Roach, now all of a sudden – maybe because he’s read it in my blog & realises how fucking stupid he sounds telling me she hacked Facebook but can’t find a group on the chat app when there is a button that says ‘group’, that he admits that it’s just one picture that she found. So not a trick at all, it actually was a work picture on a work Facebook page that was already over four years old when she would have found it.

He had also said she became obsessed with me & she knew about my beauty business because she text him when she found out ‘your girlfriend has a beauty business’, yet she doesn’t know what I called my business? Are you serious mate?! What a crock of shit!! You are cooked!!! You all know I am not much of a stalker, but I have stalked & know women who do the deep dive. If this woman was so obsessed, hacking Facebook – but not actually hacking Facebook, just finding a page my photo happened to be on & looking at it daily, as if it might change then she would sure as shit know what my business is called! & I am still convinced she was involved – if it was her or a friend, in a fake booking, wasting heaps of my time when I first opened…

This story never added up when he told me many years ago & sure as shit doesn’t add up now! I just don’t believe it. What woman with a cheating husband, who apparently told everyone he cheated & about me, goes to a friend’s beauty business in the same street, they talk about my sex life but doesn’t ask the friend how they know about my sex life? The first question from anyone would be ‘how do you know that?’ but apparently Phoenix’s wife never asks that even though she’s voracious for information about me? It just doesn’t add up, I’m sorry but I just don’t believe it, she was calling his bluff by talking about my sex life, trying to get a reaction from him or she had someone catfish me (or she did it) on a dating app to get information from me. Maybe Crows wasn’t as loyal to me with her as I thought he was?! Because if the beauty woman knew about the blog – which is Phoenix’s theory, she would have told Phoenix’s wife about it, especially if it’s about her husband! Even now writing this I am getting so worked up at how bullshit this is…

So this was happening six years ago she was able to look at all my pictures & see my broken heart post, now he tells me it was actually just one photo & this beauty women told her she knew all about my sex life but didn’t tell her the source of how she knew about it? Remember at this time, in 2019, I had only about ten blog posts which were all posted in 2016 & I didn’t start posting on a regular basis until well after the end of affair one & if you look at those earlier posts, they aren’t as graphic as the later ones. Plus the Noodle story didn’t start getting posted till almost when we were in the Silverlining era!

Phoenix cracks the shits at me because I don’t believe him, it’s not that I don’t believe what he thinks or what he was told to be true, it’s that I don’t believe the bullshit she’s told him. He bought a house, had kids & married her I guess & he says he loves her so he believes what she says, she is the mother of his children, after all. I’m just the skanky mistress. But I don’t believe a word of it. She was probing him or baiting him by saying that someone knew a lot about my sex life & wanting a reaction, I don’t think she knows anything at all… Phoenix rolls over & won’t give me anything, saying that I don’t believe him, I explain I don’t believe the story but he is being stubborn & won’t turn back over to talk to me. I remind him it’s my birthday & I spend a good ten minutes working hard to get him to relax about something he brought up – lets not forget that, we’ve had a text fight about this recently too. When I finally get him to turn back over, I am so fucking pissed off this is how my birthday is going so I straddle him & start gyrating my hips over his dick which is in his boxers. I dry hump him for ages & kiss him, just sliding my cunt up & down his dick, I take his dick out his boxers as it gets harder. But his face is stone cold. He is not going to let up on this. I am in my oodie just sliding my wet cunt up & down along his now naked cock, I can’t keep looking at his face, it’s so angry, that I lean down, putting my face in his shoulder nook but keep going until I alert him that I am going to cum, that’s when his hands get a little handsy on my ass & waist, I cum against his cock & roll off him. Honestly, this is the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had with Phoenix, because it was the first time ever that it was cold, distant, disconnected, completely out of sync & it’s mirrored the way I’ve felt for the last two months when we’re not together, invisible, unimportant & more like an obligation than someone he truly missed & wants to be with…

#IBD4U

Phoenix #62

August 2025 – Birthday

06 August 2025 – I asked late last night & we talked about it on the phone yesterday about the internet to my house, they have upgraded it but I still have to do something with the provider to upgrade the speed to my house. But the geek conversation gets him chatting & giving me advice about what to do & keeps the conversation light… I guess this is what I have to do now, is not show my feelings when he treats me like an option because it pushes him away more… Another thing that keeps him chatting is talking about fisting. He asks if I really want him to do it, I mean I don’t know what pleasure it’ll be for me, but if he wants to try I am open to it. As always sex sells because he talks to be consistently today without having a fight even when we tread into dangerous territory about fantasies & how much I did everything he ever wanted, I wait for the public toilet to come up but it doesn’t. But after a couple of phone calls today we end up in a fight about the fact I didn’t use condoms with some men, really quickly & apparently Phoenix seemed to think he was the only one I didn’t fuck with a condom… I don’t know where he gets these fucking ‘special’ things from. I never once said anything about condoms being special or not using them quickly with other men… “I don’t think of condoms as a token of my feelings for the guy or anything of note… I used them with most people & some I didn’t. End of story. I NEVER got or had an STI, like some people… Other people you may know!! Clearly fucked without a condom… But she’s your wife & mother of your children, so it’s ok… I forget. I’m the mistress so I’m the slut.” I say goodnight & log off.

07 August 2025 – He says good morning & I try to not be angry as tomorrow is my birthday & so I tell him stuff about work & the previous General Manager. There is so much I am learning about this workplace, which is scaring me, but also I am feeling good about it. We call & speak for ages – three hours to be exact, on my way home & when I get home before I have a work event. We talk a lot about my internet connection, which like I said yesterday, keeps him chatting & interested in talking with me. After we hang up, I say, “Fuck mate. You definitely met your word quota today!!” He doesn’t read it or reply, for once, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t say goodbye over text before I don’t hear from him again.

08 August 2025 – When Phoenix & I started this Affair V2.0, I didn’t think it would last this long if I am honest. But about a month before my birthday, I realised that it’s on a Friday this year meaning that he 100% won’t be able to see me & he will barely talk to me – he will 100% log off, mid conversation & not chat to me until he just rocks up at my house, because tomorrow he’s planned to see me, so he won’t message me in the morning, of course! But during the damage control period, he told me that he’s got a mega long shift on the Friday of my birthday, that I am happy about it knowing that I will at least get our 30 minute phone call. I am trying to relax about the texting because our relationship has evolved to the daily phone calls so we don’t text as much, I mean we both work but because we make time in other ways, does it really matter that we don’t text as much as we used too? I enjoy the calls everyday & honestly, it makes me miss him less because I’ve gotten more than just a text message that day – does that make sense?

I get a very bland Happy birthday message, I wasn’t expecting a lot but thought I might get an emoji or a kiss or a cute name, but he sends, “Good morning and happy birthday for today!” I say thanks, I am happy he remembered (probably because snapchat has a little birthday cake icon next to my name) but also disappointed that there isn’t any love in the message at all, that makes me kinda wish things were like they were last year, when he didn’t even know when my birthday was… It’s like a message you send your friend, not your girlfriend, your lover, the person you communicate with the most… I try not to dwell, though I feel like at the beginning of this V2.0 he was very vocal about his feelings, now I’m barely lucky if I get xxx or even just one x on messages. Let alone him telling me that he loves me or something nice about my appearance. It’s kind of like the six months we’ve been doing this is equivalent to the eight years we’ve known each other & we’re already in that comfortable stage which is usually when someone loses interest because as humans we seek that validation all the time so we seek it with someone new who will give it to us. I’m not saying I’m going to go out seeking that, I’ve sought that for many years from someone other than Phoenix & Phoenix is the only one ever in my life to stick it out & be brutally honest, that I can generally tell when he is lying to me. I’m not saying he’s never lied to me because I am certain he has – in fact conversations we have now show that he lied to me a lot when we had ended the first time.

He asks if the new job know about my birthday & they have added some balloons & some chocolates to my desk, so it’s cute, at least they did something. Why he decides to bring up my blog today, I don’t know but he asks, “Oh least they decorated for it you ! Haha so back to your blog ! You have started calling yourself a masosist Is that in regards to you enjoying pain during sex? Or just poor choices in regards to pursuing relationships, companionship or sex in general ?” I’m already sad I’m not going to see him today why would he ask this, “A little from column A, a little from column B. I don’t want to be someone alone forever, I don’t want to be… What did you call your wife’s best friend yesterday… ‘A sad single woman.’ So I keep looking & going back to guys because I felt like there was something there… Every time I was very mistaken.” I wish I was different, which is why I hate him reading my blog & psychoanalysing me, but having it up, he talks to me more… Even if it does make me feel shit about myself on my birthday, “Ive never thought of you as a sad single woman btw haha. Always cool, even after reading your blog, I do find it fascinating the psychology behind a woman that hasn’t had a long term relationship in many years however. Like how important it was to you to get sex on new years or something like your birthday that in most most long term relationships doesn’t happen or important. Married couples dont have sex on new years or even someone like that me that has had multiple long term relationships. I did know single women were most vulnerable and will to drop their values during the holidays peroid however … not sure why I know that. Eg make a poor choice and sleep with a married man.” Well that haha at the end of saying he doesn’t think I’m a sad single women says otherwise… “I have always been very concious, even though we dont see each other very much, of us being boring… I worked so fucking hard (more than you realise or is in my blog) on keeping things different every time…” He will probably never know how scared I am of being boring, if I am honest, that is my biggest fear now being boring & him just fucking me because he has too & talking to me because he feels obliged. “Well I kept things different despite never reading your blog until jan… I do find it odd however in regards to Milky… This guy introduces you to you to a kinky side… Basically stop looking for people to date or hook up with. Gives you the best sex ever to that point. Yet he gets like 4 entries… And very little sexual stories , literally just him doing some minor moves in a sentence. And an two entries regarding anal (finger then cock). You even stopped using a condom with him apparently. And saw him for 5 months. But in the end he literally gets fuck all entries for that time. And no detailed sex stories.” When I was seeing Milky, the blog wasn’t even on my radar, it wasn’t until he was long gone & things were over with Noodle before I started writing, so I think as you see my sex life evolve in the blog, you can also see my writing evolve. I mean I think with Milky I wouldn’t say vibrator, I said that he had a massager… “Becsuse firstly while he introduced me to a kinky world that I wanted to explore, but we actually never really did anything that kinky. He tied me up once. Maybe twice. I also never screenshotted anything because I wasn’t writing my blog at that time so I wrote most from memory… We had very repetitive sex.. And as you get further in to stores which go on a little longer, I do stop looking while I’m ‘seeing’ someone because I don’t really want to just fuck anyone or anything. The sex with him, while he did a few things to surprise me, was always him standing at the end of the bed, with my legs on his shoulders… Literally. Every time.” Phoenix thinks he should have gotten more entries & maybe he should have but like I said it was over  a year later that I started writing about it so I had to rely on my memories & with Milky, I was usually wasted. I mean look at how short they were in the start of the blog, less than 500 words, now they are usually over 2500 words. Phoenix says I was always sober with him & the fact that even after all this time & what a seasoned drinker I am, Phoenix has never seen me drunk, only tipsy online, which is a first. I have never been sober around someone so much ever, even with Boyfriend.

I say that I can’t believe some of the things I have done with him sober, I mean fucking at the train station or in the car wash, at least I was skinnier but the forest fuck now I am fatter surprises me but he says, “you are not that fat “ which I say thanks for adding that. He says he did that on purpose “Yeah cos you think I’m fat. Especially now your wife is skinny.” Which interestingly, he never denies that she is skinny… & that also solidifies my assessment of his pulling away, she’s lost weight & feeling better about herself so fucking him more & I still fuck him but am really down on myself so she’s the more positive one for a change.

We talk on the phone twice at both his breaks, before we hang up, I mention that my parents usually take me out for dinner every year just the three of us, but this year they were supposed to be away, so I had no plans. I have bought everything to make a chicken lasagne thing because I am not sure that Phoenix will plan this picnic for tomorrow, that he wants to take me on & because I don’t ever had a lot of food in my fridge in case he doesn’t organise anything, I think this will be a good option, what a rocking birthday evening, making food for Phoenix! Then last minute, my dad texts happy birthday & says that if I am free for dinner that they are going out with my sister & brother plus their families. Are you fucking kidding me?! It’s my birthday & I’m the last to be invited? Phoenix agrees with me & thinks that’s fucked, the noise he makes when I tell him that they are all going, validates my feelings on how shit this made me feel. My dad says it’s because it was a surprise. I said ‘surprise I’m  busy!’ I end up going because I don’t want to be alone feeling shit about my life & 44th birthday. I make the lasagne & go out to dinner. Unprecedented, Phoenix comes back online tonight, talking for a short time about his Facebook page & the fact that Chelsea Handler has contacted him to do a collab, (which turns out to be a scam), he says that google took the monetisation away from his blog because they say that he faked clicks, which he says he didn’t & that Guy Sebastian’s team contacted him too. Before going I ask him is he has anything to say to me & he says “Happy Birthday fuckhead !” saying he’ll see me tomorrow. No hugs, no kisses, no I love you, not even love you or luv ya… I have never felt so insignificant in my life.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #61

August 2025 – Damage Control

Easter weekend means a post everyday!

03 August 2025 – Phoenix’s response to me being angry is to play the game who can be the most angry. Which is just fucked. When we talk about the ‘stand off’ later I explain that we are basically fighting for weeks about the same thing because we now text for like one hour a day max – in the scheme of things. As it’s not in person, I don’t get to say something shit then storm off & come back 20 minutes later to finish the discussion. Because if I ‘storm off’ while texting him, he’ll go offline & won’t come back for 23 hours acting like nothing has happened.

I don’t want to go see him today but I also do… I know he is working both days this weekend. I got up early & go to the shops thinking that he’ll ask me to come before my lash clients yesterday but he didn’t speak to me much – even after saying how much he missed me & then was home without saying a word. I am fucking pissed. I don’t see how he can just be ok with logging off & not chatting to me? Someone who says they love me & think about all the time – well come to think of it, he hasn’t said anything sweet & comforting to me in months – let alone anything about love.

I barely get conversation from him knowing he is working from 12:00pm today, I had my niece sleep over so I decide to drop her home around the time I think he will have a break & I think that I’ll just sit at my sisters until he messages. But she is out so I drop my niece off to her at the shops. Still nothing from Phoenix. I go through the car wash. Still nothing from Phoenix. I’ve had a good morning message & a snap when he got to work. For someone that said they are going to try to communicate better this is just disappointing. I am fucking annoyed & do not want to hang around another suburb waiting. I say “I’m at the suburb, so you know what time your break is, Mr I-need-to-communicate-better?” He says he’ll be at lunch around 3:00pm. I ask if he wants to see me or if I should just go home? I get nothing, ten mins go by, twenty minutes go by, nothing. I know he is at work & not always able to message right away but this is fucked. I write that I am just going home, because he clearly doesn’t give a fuck & I say have a good night.

I drive home, which is another twenty minutes. I am annoyed at myself because this is just going to make it worse & there is no other time to see him with my new job. If we don’t see each other, I know he won’t call me to try to make amends, then I have sent a pretty loud message… I get home & see my nieces pillow sitting in my lounge room. If I drop it off then I’ll be close to Phoenix’s work by 3:00pm to see him, if he messages. So I decide to delete the message saying goodbye & that he doesn’t want to see me, drop off the pillow & it’s 3:10pm with no message from him STILL!!! Over an hour & nothing.

I figure I just really need to go home, but no bitchy comment, just go home & say I went home, if & when I ever hear from him again. But as I get to the point from my sisters to where I turn left & head home or turn right & head to his work, he messages. I look & it says that he’ll be half an hour – so 3:30pm! Fuck sake, over an hour since I message to say I was at the suburb over. My sister was going to come get my niece, but I didn’t want to miss seeing him, even though he could have seen me yesterday or called but claims he doesn’t know what I do with clients – um ever since we’ve started this lunchtime catch up thing, I have started clients at 11:00am. So I call bullshit on that reason!

Anyway I head to his work, messaging asking if he even wants to see me, I get no reply. I am less than ten minutes away so I drive to the beach & sit there for five minutes deciding if I should even be here. I am trying to be rational, I know he is at work, he tells me all the time he is ‘so busy’ & can’t message me all the time. I don’t think I am asking too much with the precedence he set early on in this affair v2.0.

I drive back to this work & send a snap that against my better judgement, I am there. Still waiting for a reply, that never comes. But he comes & gets in my car, kisses me hello… & I am drawn back in. However, I do get out some of the things pissing me off & he laughs when he says ‘all I know is, I’ve missed you.’ I ask why he laughed, I don’t say that I feel like he is not being genuine but he says it’s because he’s being vulnerable & he doesn’t do vulnerable well. I feel like we will never change, he will communicate poorly, I will get pissed off & I will have to be the one that fixes it.

I don’t even know he thinks about me like he says he does except, I have a birthday looming, it’s on a Friday so he is barely going to chat to me & it will piss me off. But he’s booked the Saturday off work & faked a shift to be with me. I don’t know why though he needs to fake it for 6:00am. He often starts at 7:00am. I just know that if he comes over at 6:00am, he’ll want to leave by 10:00am being his kids are home alone. Plus he gets here at 6:00am, I am going to still be sleepy & then we aren’t going to get up & do anything… He says he wants to go on a picnic, but when the fuck is he going to plan that?! To get picnic stuff before he gets here at 6:00am or will he expect that to be part of the date? He says that he can organise it when I ask if I need to do anything, but I say what is he going to do, hide cheese & crackers in his fridge?! Maybe he’ll organise the Amazing Co picnic that I suggested ages ago & really want to do with him? Whatever, not my problem. I have a boyfriend, who is not a planner, I guess I just have to be happy that he has at least planned to take the day off…

Hours later he hasn’t looked at my messages but I had told him that I had deleted messages & so later he says ,”Oh you did delete some chats you angry lady!” & after I say ‘yes I did‘, he then says goodnight… Great chats Phoenix, great chats!

04 August 2025 – I say good morning first, even though I know he is 100% up – don’t give me bullshit about sleeping in, but I just try to keep the mood light, the end of this week is my birthday & don’t want to be fighting when I see him Saturday. I mention that all our snaps are now of food & he says that it’s because we’ve always talked about food, dieting & weight loss, but then he says, “We need to do some dirty snaps. Ir. I miss you trying to get my attention to fuck you 😜” Is this the problem?! We’ve not been talking about sex much? We only had sex twice in July & three sexless dates that were all lunch breaks… I did tell him when he first read my blog that I used sex to get boys to like me, it worked with him & now we have sexless dates he isn’t as interested… Could that be it?!

We talk on the phone today, for hours… So unusual for us lately, & I talk dirty to him on the phone & via text afterwards… If I want to make this week good & him still see me for my birthday, I have to push all my feelings aside… He asks if I want a date or sex for my birthday & I say that I want both. I ask if he has planned something & he says that he hasn’t but was thinking a picnic with me. He’s said on his whiteboard that he’s working 6:00am – 2:00pm, I say that I don’t get why he says so early, because he starts at 7:00am all the time. So either that’s fucking bullshit & he says that he starts at 7:00am so he can use that as an excuse why he didn’t chat to me till later in the day or he just didn’t think & said 6:00am as that’s his usual. I just say whatever, that he has a key to my house so come at 6:00am, come at 7:00am – whatever, he’ll need to leave between 10:00am to 12:00pm anyway so doesn’t matter what time he comes over… He then says that he should go, I say, “Oh forgot, pumpkin time… Unless your FB page calls… Night.”

05 August 2025 – I ask this morning about his thought process, not to have a go at him, but to understand his point of view better “Can I ask you a question about how your brain thinks about me…? So yesterday we spoke on the phone for like 2 hours, I guess on & off… Then last night, your only night to chat to me freely, you were sporadic… I’m not having a go at you. I just want to understand cos I figured it was cos you just think – well I spoke to her for hours so don’t need to chat or if you even notice that you didn’t chat much or if you thought you did chat a lot…” I get a signature Phoenix rant back ”Number one anything I needed to say to you I said to you that day so not much to chat about via text … There is only so much I can talk to you about in one day. Number 2 I was slightly distracted, I got a copyright warning yesterday for a fucking meme, an Aussie related one so I was going down a rabbit hole trying to figure it out. I ve never had a copyright warning ever. Especially for a meme or image. Number 3, Im busier than you think at night between 5pm and 9pm. I cook dinner for kids , do all my washing up and packing of the dishwasher, prep their lunches for the following day, prep their school uniform , feed all the animals , prep my uniform if I have work, and shower my daughter which is quite a bit of effort because she has bad skin conditions like eczema. So I need to monitor her temp of her water, monitor what she is washing with , then dry her off personally , then use a fucking hair dryer to dry her skin. Then apply steroid creams if she needs it. Then apply moisturiser. Also dry and brush her hair. She is a fuck ton more effort than my son. My son by the age of 7 just jumped in the shower, needed no monitoring or help , didn’t need to do hair because he is a boy lol, and didn’t have any skin conditions.  The meme I got a warning from had oz aerobic images in it ….the admin at another page reported me. They did not own the image , I got their personal name and e-mail due to the copyright and contested it with Facbeook and emailed them directly if they owned the images , and that the company that owns the images still exists , even pulled up their abn, there linked in profiles, etc. And checked Aussie copyright law for memes, the images within a meme belong to the original copyright owner. You can’t claim copyright on a image you dont own just because you slap some text on it. They have emailed me back saying they are retracting the copyright claim. My personal account got a warning and a message saying they will basically reduce the algorithm of my page. Which pissed me off even more as they are literally copying posts but remaking them. But with 700k followers do alot better  So no weird thing how my brain works. With ADHD im also doing 3 things at once physically and 10 things once in my head if that makes any sense to your ADHD brain. Which also keeps me pretty busy  There was no thoughts of… well Ive done my #IBD4U time for today she doesn’t need anymore nor does my brain work like that when it comes to you. We also have a better verbal relationship than we do text now. Husbands and wifes don’t chat all day via text. They call or speak in person  The other page has been inactive since my page was montiized. I am 100% certain they got monitized this week and are suddenly active. Including copying my posts. But recreating them”

So this helps a little because now I know he is just not ignoring me, he says that he doesn’t want to share his boring stuff but I think that will help & he always did before! First he just wrote an essay – didn’t he say at the beginning of that rant, that he’d said all he needed to say on the phone?! & if he keeps blaming his ADHD & doing three things at once, wouldn’t dealing with is Facebook shit & chatting to me be two of those things?! Also why is this the very first time I have heard about him having to adjust the temperature of the shower & blow dry his daughter’s skin?! She’s seven! Surely he would have mentioned this before now? Especially since a few months ago he would talk to me at night – all night, without this being an issue, but now he can’t because he’s got so many things to do… Not saying he doesn’t, but he pulled me in & now has pulled back & he refuses to admit it.

When we talk at our lunchtime phone call, we talk about this further. Husbands & wives don’t call but they get to chat face to face because they have that luxury. Phoenix & I don’t. We can only chat on the phone when he is alone. We can only text when he deems me important enough, but we also have to factor in that we do have to have lives. But because we get such limited time, we have to make it work in different ways than a conventional relationship. We embarked on the most unconventional relationship, so we need to do things that may not be conventional. He compares us a lot on his relationship with his wife, I get that, assuming they don’t text a lot of mundane shit like we do, they don’t talk for hours on end on the phone, so he thinks that’s life. It’s their life. It’s the life of a live in relationship for many. Sleep, work, watch TV. That’s not our relationship, right now. But we’re also not seeing each other all the time, sleeping in the same bed. We get the fun parts (except when I am annoyed) but we seem to have sorted it out. Will anything change? I don’t know… Only time will tell.

He says, “I dont like to bore you with my boring stuff “ Oh right, “So you’d rather me think you’re just sitting there not wanting to chat to me?! 🤔” But he says no. I try to say goodbye but he says he can still chat, so I say that he usually goes early on a Wednesday, he says that it’s Tuesday & that he should go… Fuck, “I’m so glad you stuck around for those 3 messages…! I take back my kisses since I got none, So fuck you.”

#IBD4U

Phoenix #60

July & August 2025 – Japan

31 July 2025 – In the morning, despite being in the mindset that I don’t want to be an obligation, if he doesn’t want to call, then he doesn’t have too. But my sassiness overrides my need for not being an obligation “He came with you to pick up your daughter?? & you snapped me? How did you explain that pic then? Anyway whatever, your not obliged to chat or call. So you do what you need to do.” He says “Okay well good Morning sexy bitch !” but again today I’m getting sporadic messages at best, hours in between, is he at work? Is he off? I don’t want him to have to send me his roster, but it definitely helped – or did it?! I don’t want to see it so I can track him, his wife does that enough for both of us, I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me, but I think it helps because otherwise I just assume he’s up at 4:00am & doesn’t write to me till 8:00am & I feel like I am so insignificant, being that is the only time he gets to actually write to me.

He asks around 12:00pm if I am going to call, but I am in training till 1:30pm, so as I am walking to the car I say that I am on my way home, not knowing his schedule so I don’t want to call, is his kid home, is she home now, is he working till 3:00pm? So I wait for him to read the message & it takes him over 30 mins to which he just says, “Ahh if you are home before 3 give me a call.” Oh ok, so he doesn’t want to talk to me while I’m driving, he can see I am driving home from Murray Bridge so I am own my way home. I will get home at 3:00pm, so I just say nope & goodnight. Also I throw in that he should have a good weekend, being she’ll be off the whole weekend & fuck knows what his schedule is. He says “ahhh okay?”, I don’t respond for ages, when I know he is offline – I don’t know why I do that, but I do, so I say, being little miss sass “What’s with the ? You’re a busy man with a family & a wife who’s off work, so you can’t chat to me 24/7. So whenever your busy schedule allows, see if I fit in there somewhere – because apparently the hour drive home wasn’t fitting in with your life for a call… But I wouldn’t know that would I? 🤷‍♀️” I honestly don’t know how long I can keep this up for, I wish sometimes that he would just end it because I sure as fuck am not able too.

At 9:00 pm again, tonight, he is posting on his Facebook page – so much for ‘always’ struggling to stay awake & ‘always’ being asleep before 9:00pm & forcing himself to wake up to chat to me. What a fucking piece of shit liar. Before he can bullshit me & say that it’s one of his other admins, his post has Papa Roach lyrics so I know it’s him & his post are obviously him & his other admin posts are very clearly written differently.

01 August 2025 – You all know I love travel. I am a travel bug. I want to travel as much as I can. However, in 2023 my passport expired & I haven’t renewed it. I also haven’t been overseas since I went to Hawaii in 2017, way back in affair number one, when things were good. Phoenix had mentioned back in March that he didn’t go to the Falling in Reverse concert with his family because it would be too expensive & he wanted to get passports. I asked where he wanted to go & he said Japan to Disneyland. Which is super cool, but back in March I never thought much of it.

My cousin is getting married in Africa in November that I had mentioned that I wanted to go, being I’d probably never go to Africa otherwise. I do the passport application but never have the money to go renew it. I seem to be struggling & not saving so as the date gets closer, I realise that I probably won’t be going, but who knows, I have a new job which pays more but doubt I can get time off in November now. Turns out, my cousin postpones her wedding until 2026, so I look forward to going then!

So when Phoenix mentioned in a phone call one day, (when we had them!) that he has withdrawn $15k off his home loan & he’s doing the passport applications for a two day trip to Japan in October, my heart sinks. He also drops in that his family have an annual trip on the long weekend too, so that’s why he can’t go to Japan for long. His parents pay for this long weekend trip – I forgot to ask where they are going. But I think it’s absolutely insane to go overseas for two days & when he says that he’s looking at staying at the airport hotel so they don’t have to go far, I wonder what is the point? I suggest they go for week & go see some other places, also he says that staying at Disneyland is pretty cheap (relatively) & I say to him that they are probably only going once so stay there.

He talks about the passport process & having to get the pictures verified. I am struggling hard core with this now that he’s actually going to go on a family holiday which makes this situation I am in even more real & fucked up. I call this man my boyfriend. I am not chatting to anyone else. I’m not seeing anyone else, I barely chat to J-Lo or Rob Rob. I don’t even flirt with anyone at all. I am in this, I am in this as his girlfriend. I treat him with respect & devotion. I want this man as my partner but do I really want this to happen? I want the family holiday. Travelling is my dream, my want in life… How could he want to do this with someone else? I am 100% in this with him & I can barely hold his attention & get messages more regularly than 23 hours.

Maybe this infiltrates our conversations after he mentioned it, every time he brings it up, my heart breaks a little – especially paired with his distance, that I pull away a little more each time. He doesn’t get it. He never will, because do you know, if the shoe was on the other foot & I was the partnered one, he would not wait around like I do. He would be fucking everything he could & chatting to everyone – he does that now when he has a wife & a mistress so there is no way he’d wait around! He doesn’t understand why it upsets me that I wait 23 hours for a message with his dumb excuse vomit of the same shit over & over – I can’t chat to you 24/7 (which I never asked for) or I am a busy person (Like I am not busy!) or that he falls asleep early or that he can’t message me around his wife. He doesn’t understand that when he is in a time frame that he can message me in, that it fucks me off that I am not on his radar to message me. He says he thinks about me all the time, but how can that be true if he can take so many hours to write back to me? I obviously have notifications on, so I see it on my watch & then I’m a fucking fuckwit that can’t leave the message there unread. So I think I’ll half swipe to read it, but then I think he’ll see I’ve been online, so I read it & decide to leave it on read but then I don’t want to play a game so I reply, thinking the next message will be the one I leave unread. But I fucking write back within ten minutes all the fucking time… & the cycle continues because I can’t resist the messages because I never know how long before he disappears, so I’m a dumb fuck wanting to get in as much messaging as I can.

So when he talks more & more of Japan, I am happy for him but fucking heart broken for me. He is going to go on the long weekend trip with his whole family, then go to Japan & he won’t chat to me at all… When I mention about him chatting while in Japan he says he will fit me in, but he can’t even fit me in when we’re in the same time zone & he has a whole house to hide in & errands to do, so how, in a compact hotel, does he think he is going to message me?!

Our snapstreak ends, again! 123 days… He messages in the morning “Good morning. Im working this weekend both days , the morning on Saturday but thr afternoon on Sunday. Ive missed seeing you and missed our phone chats over the last few days. I fucking hate sometimes that I have to ask you to see me or talk to me my on terms… And its part of the reason I back down when you get angry, sad or hurt at me … I dont want to look like a retard begging you to make some effort with me for you to dismiss me. I obviously back off… and im just not as good as you think I am with conflict. I dont know. All I know is I miss you.” Well fuck. I boost his fixing ego all the fucking time & he can’t do the same to make me feel less invisible… “Well you’ve had opportunities to call me both days (from my perspective) & didn’t. So I’m not going to be an obligation & beg you when I have no idea of your schedule… You know mine, so the ball is always in your court. It has to be on your terms because I am always available when you aren’t so busy.  I’m sick of planning ideas in my head of when I’ll see you – like weds for example, I was like I’ll go home instead of the office then Phoenix could probably come see me. But I only got two messages before midday & one of them was to say you son is sick. Then barely anything after that all day. I am not an obligation, so you can talk to me, see me, fuck me whenever you can fit it in. I’m done planning – stupidly in my head & being disappointed. So when I get home from work I say goodbye, because I don’t want to feel like a fool waiting around for you for hours, when you supposedly miss me.”

He says, “I couldn’t of seen you Wednesday and you know I would of ! I dont want you feeling like a fool so I that is very justified. I was hoping you would ring me for your drive.” I don’t think he would have seen me… I genuinely don’t… “I didn’t know what you were doing… Working, wife, kids, mowing the lawn… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Anyway, have a good day. Chat tomorrow.” He says that he asked if I was going to ring him, “At 12, was 2 when I was free… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Didn’t know if you were at lunch… Or had a kid home sick still…. 🤷🏼‍♀️” But he says that he had the day off & that he should have told me… I mean I am not a mind reader & don’t want to call him for him to be offline or unable to talk & me look more foolish! “Same with weds, how was I supposed to know your kids was home sick, with the 2 messages you sent before lunch??” When he says the most ridiculous thing ever, “I need to try and improve my communication I guess.” As if he is capable of that, just as much as  I am capable of not getting pissed off when this is what has become of our communication. “Well, it’s always as been & always will be on your terms, your availability. I am always available, always getting your notifications so when I back off because I feel like a fuckwit for begging for a second of your time over mowing your lawns, that you backing off more because you’re being a dickhead, does not make things better & we keep going around in circles… So again, I say goodbye cos I’m not waiting around for a snippit of your time anymore when I don’t know what you’re up too or what you want. Have a good day & night. Chat whenever.” & he says, “Im not doing it to be a dickhead I promise. Chat again soon fuck fish.”

02 August 2025 – I get five messages from Phoenix today before he says “You coming to see me tommorow for a break?” I mean I don’t even know when he’s working, so how could I even know or plan what I am going to do… “Don’t even know what time you’re working to even factor it in… So who knows…🤷🏼‍♀️ And you’ve been so chatty today, that I can’t contain my excitement to come see you. Enjoy your night.” Later he sends two messages with a photo “You are an easy lady to impress! Sneaky mowing message !” the picture is of his lawn mower.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #59

July 2025 – I don’t give a fuck about you

27 July 2025 – I have listened all week about LMA. I have felt the distance when he is working with her, how little he messages me. Don’t get me wrong, he still messages me & we still speak on the phone at lunch but it feels forced. Like he doesn’t care about me. Maybe I’m reading into it too much but that’s how I feel. I can’t help how it makes me feel & he does nothing to help us, no matter what I say.

I do really like that he’s talking to me about this chick & things that they discuss etc, because it means he feels comfortable & trusts me. On top of that, I know he’s going to be honest about if he does end up fucking her, but on the other hand I don’t want to fucking hear about it all the time, especially since I barely hold this guy’s attention myself lately except when his dick is inside me or we’re talking about sex, otherwise, I feel like I am barely a blip on his radar. I am certain that he will say different, that he thinks about me all the time, but that’s how I feel… I have dropped from maybe top 10 priorities, to in the top 15, if I am lucky. 

  1. Kids
  2. Facebook
  3. Wife
  4. Work
  5. House work
  6. Yard work
  7. Dinner
  8. Groceries
  9. Little Miss A
  10. Blog
  11. Family
  12. Friends
  13. YouTube
  14. Me

So when the weekends come around & he doesn’t tell me what his schedule is, until the last minute, I don’t even know how to react. She’s off on Friday’s & so is he, again this week. I try on Thursday night to say that I’ll chat to him on Saturday, knowing he won’t chat to me all Friday – despite that I cannot believe that he doesn’t not have five minutes away from her to quickly message me, which he claims he doesn’t at all anymore, besides obviously months ago when in bed with her.

But to recap, he messages me in the morning, I write back & he says he’s freezing at the kids bus stop then I reply & get NOTHING in reply until Saturday morning. 23 hours later. My boyfriend, who supposedly loves me, supposedly thinks about me all the time, just logs off & doesn’t talk to me for 23 hours, mid conversation…. So from Friday at the bus stop with the kids, he puts them on the bus then poof! His wife is by his side the entire day & never away from him until Saturday morning. So lets put this in perspective for those thinking I am crazy for being upset, he was at the kids school bus stop about a minute from where they live, lets assume alone, because he was messaging me right. The bus isn’t out the front of his house – from what I understand he has to walk to get to the bus stop, not far, but enough time to write back & say goodbye for the day before walking home. So she’s obviously not there, being he is messaging me right? So he’s had to walk home – not looking at my message before then actively deleting the app & going home for a full 23 hours (despite being up for at least 2-3 hours) before logging in again, acting like nothing has happened & that I will just go to see him at lunch. I am not angry, I am not pissed. I am destroyed. I am hurt, I am devastated. I had moved my clients to earlier in the morning to make sure I was available to suit his schedule. But I can’t even muster up a conversation with him. & true to Phoenix form, he doesn’t even notice that I am so sad. So spent. So stupid. So foolish.

So today, the morning after I decided not to see him for the first time ever in the history of our relationship, he messages saying morning & I ask if his goodnight message last night was a joke. But he just asks how I am today, I ignore it & just say that it was a good one, but almost two hours after he wanted to know how I am, he hasn’t read my messages… So an hour later, I say at 10:00am,“Nice to know how much you actually care. Night then… Chat later. 😐”. He says shortly after, “I do care but if you are going to push me away 🤷‍♂️ Ill back off.” Fuck he just doesn’t get this at all… I haven’t pushed him away. He hasn’t talked to me for 23 fucking hours & made me feel so insignificant, after COUNTLESS conversations about how not telling me his whereabouts makes me feel. I mean absolutely nothing to him.

In eight years I have asked one thing. IN EIGHT YEARS, only one thing have I asked of Phoenix. To let me know his chat availability. Not his sex availability. I ask him to tell me when he is going offline. Now the exception to this was when he was just fucking me monthly & nothing more, I never got that & I never expected it. I cared, but it wasn’t my place to be pissed about his chat availability, we were lovers, not partners. But this guy is now my boyfriend, he supposedly loves me & he can’t even stand at the bus stop an extra 20 seconds to say goodbye for the day before having to delete the app… I don’t bother trying to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. Go be pissed off at me & fuck your wife, dickhead.

28 July 2025 – Monday I get an old school (when I say onld school, I mean less than 3 months ago when he started this!) Phoenix style rant at 4:30am “Fuck you frustrate me sometimes. I do try really hard to chat to you when I can. I am an old busy person with older kids and a wife that knows I cheats so I am different person with different behaviours than 8 years ago. And I do fall asleep quite often by 9pm. Sometimes I try (and successfully do) wake myself up to chat to you att night which takes a bit a effort. Anything I do is not personally against you or to disregard you. My instant reaction to distant, cold or conversations where you push me away is to back off to protect myself. You would probably do it yourself to protect yourself if I did it to you. I also admittly got annoyed I went to some effort to spend some time with you on Saturday for you to tell me not to worry about it. Which just encourages me to distant myself from you during those peroids where you are pissed at me. I know it’s your way to make it on your terms or whatever bs is going through your head. Stop over thinking everything” Fuck sake! True narcissistic side of Phoenix, he completely misses what is even happening here… We argue all day & when we speak on the phone, we argue. Why am I even trying? There is no reason for us to keep trying to make this more than it is & pissing each other off…

“I’m not overthinking. I have asked one thing if you in 8 years. One thing. To let me know when you are going offline… & even though we had endless conversations about it, you still can’t fucking do it. You’re at the bus stop, message me then poof you are home delete the app, without being able to say goodbye & never come back online all day & night for 20 hours then expect me to come see you because you made made an effort… Then you don’t even give a shit that I am so hurt that I can’t come see you because I don’t want you to see me cry & you make it about you… I rearranged clients – which I don’t like doing, I baked you cookies despite my better judgement to do so & all I get is Phoenix being so narssisic that he can’t even reflect on how he’s treated me for me to act that way, but blames me because he’s so busy & he did something to have an alibi… Which I didn’t know because you don’t communicate with me… I tried to say I’ll chat Saturday but you insisted on chatting Friday morning & then just disappear & I’m the one who’s frustrating… And I even thought, you’re being stupid, you’ve wanted to not go to his work before when pissed off… But you go & he makes you feel better… But I wasnt pissed I was hurt. So fucking deeply hurt that you would just log off at the bus stop knowing you wouldn’t come back online all day… So I thought Phonix will tell me to come, stop being an idiot & just come but you didn’t, it made me realise that you don’t even care if you hurt me. You don’t care if I’m upset. & you don’t care if we don’t see each other.”

He says that he can’t tell me when he can be online on Fridays – oh but he could when he first started this version of the affair, he just can’t now that I am calling him out on it. I still ask why when at the bus stop couldn’t he just say goodbye, & he just says he was sick & still is sick… Well if it’s not that he tired, it’s that he’s sick or busy… He asks if I just want him to not message me on Fridays, which is not what I want… “No, I just want you to say goodbye… You 100% are telling me that on Friday, at the bus stop you couldn’t say goodbye?? I don’t care if you don’t come back online at night anymore, when you’ve said goodbye… But if you just leave me hanging like a wanker then I get so hurt because I’ve asked so many times for you to communicate. & usually, I still go see you because I deserve to see you & thought I just can’t… Even though I had organised my groceries to pick up at 1 on my way home from seeing you & you acted like you didn’t even care that I wasn’t going to come, made me glad I didn’t bother.”

“No because I thought I had more time to chat to you that morning, I did care but uo. You were acting like you didn’t care. Which in turns makes me act like I don’t care.” Why the fuck does he do that & not try to reassure me, give me something to know I am not just a wanker waiting for 20+ hours for a message from my boyfriend… “You knew I would be upset about you disappearing, yet you continue to do it & I usually cave & still come to see you. But I didn’t want you to see me crying so I decided not too & then you just went ‘I’ll do my errands alone then’ I was like fuck this guy really doesn’t give a shit if I am there or not.” He says he doesn’t want to make me cry & I say too late… He wouldn’t even know if I cry or not or if I am hurt or upset, because he’s not around physically & never online anymore, so he just doesn’t give a fuck!

We speak on the phone, which I didn’t think would happen today & as he goes he says that he does care, he just doesn’t show it well. “You always have to compete with who is most pissed off… And paired with last week, when I was feeling shit about myself physically & asked once for you to tell me why you love me & you said cos I fuck you well…” He asks why I was feeling shit & I say because my pants didn’t fit & he hasn’t been very vocal about anything, especially about how I look lately & telling me all about how hot LMA is. I ask him a bunch of questions, “We need to work out a way I won’t get pissed off… Do you want me to stop saving our convo? Can you send me a message on something else if you have to go quickly?? Or what do you think I should do? Just glfeel like a dick & not say anything? Just get over it, waiting for 23 hours for a reply??” & his reply infuriates me “Well im gojnf to go now. And will try and send a message in future. Bye bye for now x” Fuck off cock head, I’ve heard that before. I just want to scream. Honestly, if it wasn’t so close to my birthday, this would be done…

29 July 2025 – Tuesday we barely talk, but I have decided that I just need to try to not care & give him the same energy that he is giving me – which in turn makes him give me less & then maybe it’ll be easier to end this. We talk on the phone, most of my way home, he hangs up when his kids get home & hasn’t finished what he was saying so I get a bunch of messages about his work. He’s made soup which he sends me a picture of, I ask him to save me some & he says “maybe” which just kills me, why is he being so cold, I’m really trying here, trying to just ignore his asshole tendencies, so I say “Don’t do me any favours, Phoenix. Might hurt yourself. Anyway, chat later. Night.” He says he’ll save me some – which, spoiler alert, he doesn’t, but when I know he’s gone I say “I think it’s best if we limit out chats to when we’re at work. Since you have no suggestions.”

I can’t help be so erratic, I am really trying to be ok with this new dynamic – another new dynamic for the year when this Papa Roach song comes to mind, do we need distance to know what we’re missing? Are we missing anything? But I can’t help but wonder – how did we get so far from our breakthrough?

Papa Roach – Always wondering

I can’t recall what I don’t remember
Behind the walls and the barricades
I lock the door when I can’t surrender
I turn around when I shoulda stayed
How did we get
So far away from the break through
Keep holding back all the issues
Nothing but cracks in the rear view
We’re always wandering
Outside the lines on the way out
Can’t get away from the comedown
Afraid there’s too much to say now
We’re always wondering
(We’re always wondering)
No telling if we’re making something out of nothing
We get turned around sometimes before we see what’s comin
We needed the distance (We needed the distance)
To know what we’re missing (To know what we’re missing)
Another remission (Another remission)
And now I’m running from a collision
So far away from the break through
Keep holding back all the issues
Nothing but cracks in the rear view
We’re always wandering
Outside the lines on the way out
Can’t get away from the comedown
Afraid there’s too much to say now
We’re always wondering
(We’re always wondering)
So far away from the break through
Keep holding back all the issues
Nothing but cracks in the rearview
We’re always wandering
Outside the lines on the way out
Can’t get away from the comedown
Afraid there’s too much to say now
We’re always wondering

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Anthony Esperance / Andrew Fulk
Always Wandering lyrics © Beartrackspublishing, Wizards Dancing Underwater, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

30 July 2025 – The next morning, I don’t get a message until about 8:30 am. I haven’t messaged because my last message is sitting there unread. I am going to work late so I am doom scrolling, looking at his stupid fucking Facebook page which has been posted on two hours ago. Oh great, so he’s been awake since at least 6:00am & he waits until 8:30am to log on & message me for the first time that day! Could I feel more invisible? I don’t want to be an obligation, I have never wanted that with anyone. But I want what I put in back. I want what he started putting in before he withdraw. It’s not that difficult to start out as you intend to go on, right? That’s always been my motto.

I am already home from work having been told the wrong day to go to Murray Bridge so I thought this was an opportunity for him to come see me, but I am not going to tell him I am home, he’ll see on snap maps that I’m home but I get nothing again until about 12:00pm where he says that he’s stuck at home with his sick son. So from 8:30am to 12:00pm before he looks at my messages – this from a man who’s home & apparently wants to chat to me as much as he can. I understand – now that he’s said, that he is home with his son, but can you just see my side here, how shit I feel because I see he’s been posting consistently on his Facebook page & not chatting to me, when he says that he wants too.

I say goodnight early again, thinking that from now on, I will say goodbye when I get home from work & not chatting to him at night. I fucking hate it, but I don’t see a way forward here. But he sends me a snap of him picking up his daughter from school & that he missed our call today. Um what the actual fuck? If he’s snaping me pics at his daughter’s school, then his son isn’t with him, so why didn’t he call me on the drive to school & while waiting? He knows that I would be happy with a short ten minute call than no call at all.

I see again later that night that he’s posted after 9:00pm on his Facebook page. Let me just get one thing out, I am not stalking the Facebook page to see if he’s online. I know he’s allowed on the Facebook page because it makes them money, but I look to see what he’s posted because I think they are funny posts & in an odd way, I feel less disconnected from him when I look at it. I don’t usually notice when the things were posted, but the fact that it’s almost 9:30pm & he’s posted twice since 9:00pm – sorry didn’t he say in his rant (& 1000 times before) that he struggles to stay awake past 9:00pm & he always tries to stay awake to message me.

Ok so I’ve already said goodnight, so maybe he’s just not going to talk to me because I said it this afternoon? I decide to go to sleep, but fuck I just can’t sleep, the whole night is bullshit, even one of my dogs is pacing, WTF. At 10:00pm, he messages but I am not looking at it, I probably should have, I saw the message on my watch but I am tired, I just can’t sleep. I had said that he could have called, to his message about missing our call, but his reply at 10:00pm is just “Na not around my son.”

#IBD4U

Plumber #5

26 July 2026

Plumber is on my snapchat & he has been for a while – years in fact, we were friends on Facebook for a while there, but I think when I got hacked I never added him on my new profile. He also was following me on TikTok. Please note this won’t be a long post but something interesting that breaks up the Phoenix story a little!

Every now & then Plumber will respond to a snap story or will me messaging me, usually late at night asking if I am awake or whatever. We never really talk of anything exciting because if I am perfectly honest, this guy should have been deleted after post #1. In fact I reckon I did delete him & he added me back so in a moment of boredom I had accepted him prior to A3V2.0 but never really engaged with him.

So on this night he messages about something I posted on snapchat & the cookies I made, something I had actually made for Phoenix but he was being a dick or I was being a dick – depends who you get the side of the story from & so I ate all of them. I had posted passive aggressively for Phoenix to see them… Plumber says that I should have invited him around but I tell him that I have eaten them all already. He says “that hurts… probably had a better time without me anyway lol” I say that we’ll never know because I am in a mood with Phoenix so taking it out on Plumber – who, lets face it, probably deserves it too.

I am surprised by Plumbers response “If u could ever find it in you to take down that wall u have wen it comes to me mayb we could progress past this stage” Um, is this guy serious!? I respond “My wall? Or your ghosting & then getting a GF?” He literally put in my new hot water service just over two years ago & I haven’t seen him since, he hasn’t made much of an effort to take down this wall in over two years. Or even before… Or even when he dated me, fucking twice!

“So because I made a mistake we can never get past that even if there’s a chance their mayb something there.” I mean is there something here?! Not on my end, this guy, like many men have just kept me on their snapchat as a backup, I have kept them on my snapchat for a blog post. I’m not gonna lie why they are still on my snapchat… Any excuse for content when I was writing a lot was why I didn’t delete people – but I will admit I liked to see how many times they would try to talk to me too, but stupidly I would have a moment of weakness & reply!

I respond “No, I can’t get past the fact you have a girlfriend… And if you didn’t & really wanted to date me, you would’ve tried harder.” If we recall, wasn’t he wearing a wedding ring two years ago & he said it wasn’t a wedding ring?! I don’t believe this guy really wants me, I think he’s just lonely & wants to chat or just wants me there as a backup. He responds “I have one now.” So he’s got a fucking girlfriend – maybe the one he got almost six years ago after ghosting me after we went to the movies & he held my hand or could be a new one. Either way she’s a lucky lucky lady!

I respond to him “So what am I missing here then?? I have walls up because you have a GF & had her since you last ghosted me… So I don’t even what you want from me…” He reads it & never replies. Then one of us deletes the other. I like to think it was me, but I can’t recall who deleted off snapchat, which was the catalyst for me to head on over to Facebook & TikTok, clicking as hard as I can on the block button, deleting the fucker once & for all. I am not talking to him again!

If this is the kind of bullshit I have to put up with still, I am glad I have a boyfriend, even if my boyfriend couldn’t give a fuck if he sees me or not… I would rather be single forever than speak to Plumber again.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #58

July 2025 – 200th

22 July 2025 – So another thing that is fucking creepy & weird, but in the interest of the blog, I had recorded every time I saw Phoenix on a spreadsheet, I had saved a lot of chats & ever since we’ve been on snapchat, I’ve saved everything. All so I can write about it & share it with you on my blog. It’s been a bit of a joke with him now about how many times we’ve had sex… Well yesterday was our 200th time…. BAHAHAHA…. I tell him & he says it’s wasn’t a bad time… “But obviously depends if my tracking is correct…🤷🏼‍♀️”

SIDE NOTE: Upon review of the blog for posting, I realise that it was not our 200th time! Bahaha, I didn’t track correctly, I had missed one, so this was technically our 201st time.

He sends me a picture of LMA, probably to make me jealous, which it does, she is super skinny, huge boobs, long brown hair, big eyes… He still won’t tell me her name so we call her LMA. So with the picture, which is on snapchat, if I screenshot it, it will tell him that I have screenshotted, which I don’t want him to know. However, I have discovered a way to download from snapchat without someone knowing! So, you do a screen record, pop up the photo you want to steal, then you can screenshot the picture from the screen record. I do this so I can zoom in, but then I decide to google search it & she comes up. Her instagram is very predictable but she’s gorgeous & skinny, so why not flaunt it & I find out her name. So next time he talks about her, I don’t say LMA, I will just say her name & see what he says… But also, now that he’s sent me the picture of LMA, I am more determined to lose weight than ever, having lost a couple of kilos in the first week of taking a weight loss injection & starting to feel more in control, I will never be skinny like her but I will be my version. I also ask him if he’s told his wife about her & he says that he doesn’t even want her to know about LMA or see him with her because she’ll just think he’s cheating. I mean that’ll either end it for them or pull the strings tighter & make it harder for me. So I’d just rather he talk to me about it than his wife.

Then the conversation gets so confusing because he is saying he lies to her but I don’t know why her he is referring too, his wife or LMA?! He clarifies saying about LMA “If she says something that over steps the mark I just say nothing .. But all she has really said to me is stuff like ‘Wouldn’t you like to know or see’ type of thing  And did say she told eveeyone at her old store she attracted to me indirectly in a weird way…. And I just ignored it and moved on the convo …” & then clarifies about his wife “I meant I lie to my wife about having a flirtatious friendship with e a woman at work before.” & he’d also said this which about his wife but I was confused as he was talking about both women at once – can’t say I love that when he drilled me for having an online friendship with some men but anyway, Phoenix is allowed to do what he wants, the only one he listens to is his wife, “I lie to her 🤷‍♂️ But she 100% has very flirty relationships with men at work and is open about it. I ask her if Im allowed too and she says no. So I do it her behind her back 🤷‍♂️” What a great relationship, she’s allowed to flirt but he’s asked permission… Rightio!

He says that he won’t tell me her name ”Haha just incase you go into angry gf mode🤷‍♂️” Which I ask what that is, I mean why would I do anything to a poor girl at his work who doesn’t know me?? If I’m going to do anything, it’s tell his wife about LMA & she will do the dirty work for me! Hahaha… But I won’t do anything anyway, so I don’t know why he’s being weird about it. I ask what he thinks I am going to do, but he says, “I dont know. I probably shouldn’t be this open and honest with you But there is the narcisstic side of me and the level of trust and friendship I have with you too 😐. I love the attention I get at work from her 🤷‍♂️. But you still make me as rock hard as ever 😛.” I get that not giving me her name is just a game for him now, so I don’t push it, “I have you permission from me to fuck her – not that you need it, we’ve never been exclusive from your side anyway… I’m not stupid enough to believe that you get eveything you need from me.” I am not going to hold him back, “She would be a shit fuck compared to you and you know it haha. And so do I haha.” Even if it is shit, at least he fucked a young, hot, skinny chick…

“And if you want to pull back on the honesty, you can… You always hold all the cards… 🤷🏼‍♀️” Maybe he should pull back on the honesty, I mean he doesn’t mean to hurt me – this time around, but it does. “I feel like you would be honest with me if the roles were reversed … And you used to be pretty honest about it. I also regularly read a blog about your sex life hahaha. So maybe that helps with my honesty. So you are saying you dont want me to be honest with you ?” I want him to be honest, I am the one person he shouldn’t lie too, “No, you said you probably shouldn’t be honest with me…. So I said you don’t have to be… I like it, even when I hate it, I prefer you to tell me you want her than pretend to my face you don’t…”

23 July 2025 – I had my hair done last night & had told him I was dying it brown to match LMA & so I find a snapchat filter that gives me brown hair, to send him a selfie. He says that’s not me & he prefers me blonde. He is more attracted to blondes & not attracted to brunettes. But honestly, if he was single, I don’t think this would matter. In fact, I think his wife was pretty dark & only went really blonde after seeing pics of me but is now back to a more natural light brown, so I don’t think that’s an excuse for not wanting to fuck LMA. Funny though cos I always thought that my type was blonde hair blue eyes, yet Phoenix & Boyfriend were brunettes with beards & brown eyes, so turns out it doesn’t matter!

He tells me that she is going to be on nursing placement for a couple of months so he won’t work with her again & says he will forget her – yeah right. But I can’t help but be a little happy that she is not going to be in the picture. I am happy that he wants to be honest with me about everything is his life, I appreciate that honesty, but fuck I also don’t want to hear it too, you know? I am not stupid, he can fantasise about other women, he watches porn so I am not stupid enough to think I occupy all his thoughts, but I want to be the only one but that’s not realistic.

“I did just blame her for making me sick.. She’s like your the one that drank from my drink.” FFS… I ask why he won’t tell me her name if he’s ok to send me a picture of her, it’s weird. I say that she probably has some porn name but he says their names are next to each other on the roster…

He hardly chats the rest of the day, but we chat on the phone as usual. He was at work with LMA until 3:00pm, so he’s obvious when she’s on shift with him & when she’s not, so I say goodbye that I have to go clean a gutter & of course he doesn’t come back online. So I don’t know why I send this to him, ”You know Phoenix that I find you incredibly sexy, so fucking hot, that you make me wet when I think about us fucking… That I love kissing your whole body & touching it. I love scratching your beard cos it makes you melt like you make me melt when you grab my face & kiss me…” I assume because I was looking at the security footage & writing…

24 July 2025 – He sick so I knew he wouldn’t come back online last night, I’ve never met anyone who used to say he never gets sick & never sleeps that get as sick & sleeps as much as he does… Ironically, he had a sip of LMA’s drink & got sick, but fucked me sticking his tounge in my mouth & I didn’t get sick… I use her name & he says “Omg. You searched through our chat for her name.” but I say that he has never told me her name so he is confused. However, side note – probably why he thinks it’s funny, I realise when writing at different points, that he did tell me her name on 16 July 2025 but I missed it… Maybe he knew he’d told me & that’s why he thinks it’s funny I don’t know it… Anyway, turns out I didn’t need to stalk her like a weirdo, he’d already told me…

We chat on the phone & we talk a lot about my work as I am being moved desks, still to a shitty spot but better than it was, maybe it’s not but I am not under a split system the pumps out cold air. It’s Thursday afternoon & he naps, I say “Don’t nap while you can talk to me cos you clearly won’t be online for 36 hours once you say goodnight tonight.” Which is what he’s been doing every weekend she’s off. He doesn’t talk to me citing that he’s busy, which we all know means fucking his wife.

25 July 2025  – He sends a selfie which is terrible but he says he’s feeling better after sleeping since he got home from work yesterday. He then says around 8:00am that, “Im sooo fucking cold catching the bus with my kids right now.” I end up having a conversation with myself, asking why he is catching the bus & telling him I have lost 2.5kgs this week , as I don’t hear from him again… FUCKING CUNT OF A MAN.

26 July 2025 – On our phone conversations earlier this week, we had sort of made plans to meet for lunch today for an hour or some once he finished work, but I am in no mood… I had come home from work yesterday, a little annoyed but I made cookies for him for today, thinking he would come back online last night…. My hurt & foolishness built as he didn’t… He doesn’t message me until 6:10am – having been up for almost two hours & 22 hours since he logged off mid conversation yesterday & I am supposed to be ok with that?! I don’t look at it or write back. At 8:30am he asks about my clients but I write back at 11:30am & say that I am done with them now. He asks if I am coming to see him & I say, “Nah, you should hang with your kids.” but I grab my keys & am sitting in my car… He says “I created alibis to spend time with you…” Um, so?! What does that have to do with anything? Because he made an effort I have to just forget my boyfriend logged off mid sentence & didn’t talk to me again & if I say anything I’ll get some bullshit excuse… So it’s easier just not to see him when I feel this way. So that’s it? No questions why I am not coming, no asking me to come to see him, no phone call to ask me to come? “Ah you’ll think of soemthing why your home early.” I take my keys out of the ignition, a tear rolls down my cheek & I walk back inside… Deflated & feeling so foolish. “Ahh ok I purposely organised some shopping stuff so I was out of the house. All good Ill do it by myself.” I say ok. He sends a picture of bunnings & says that he even organised a click & collect. I send a picture of Woolworths when I go later & say the same… What do you know, he doesn’t write back until 7:45pm.

Fuck dude – you haven’t spoken to me properly for over 24 hours, we never discussed what the plans were, so how am I supposed to know what you organised if you don’t tell me?! Later that evening, he comes back online like nothing happened & like he is available to chat. He sees on my story that I made cookies & I say “yeah stupid me” & he asked why, well I didn’t make them for me, did I dickhead. He asks who I made them for, I say santa. & he says it’s a bit early & I say sure at 9:30pm, but when he takes over an hour to respond to my basic messages, he finally says, “well night then.” at 10:40pm… Great conversation! He’ll blame me for not giving him much, I can see the messages if I say anything, but I am just done having this fight. I am done feeling unwanted. I knew he wouldn’t just come to my house  or call me when I said I wasn’t coming, but he wants me to go out of my way with the tiny breadcrumbs he’s giving me. I am just over it.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #57

July 2025 – Permission

17 July 2025 – Following on from last nights conversation, he says he doesn’t get hard easily, & she doesn’t make him hard. I say that she’s probably living with her parents but he could fuck he in the car. A manager at work is encouraging him to fuck her. “Im not fucking her lol. Dont encourage me fuckhead haha.” I would actually would rather him just fuck her than hear him talk about how much he wants too, if I am honest. “I’m not encouring you… Just giving you the permission too. I don’t want you too at all. But I’m very aware you don’t get everything you want from one person.” He clearly doesn’t get everything he needs from me & his wife combined, because he still chats online with others, so I am not stupid to think he doesn’t want more with someone else too. “Haha dont give me permission too 🤦‍♂️ I do not think it’s a good idea.” No it’s not but he doesn’t need to lie to me about it. “Well I’m not going to stop you… For 8 years you’ve fucked your wife & me… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Plus Sweetie. And whoever that guy was you had my fantasy MFM with your wife with… & who knows who else.  So I can’t control you…”

On our call today I do give him a word of warning, particularly what happened to me from Trainer & also if he’s read this wrong with her & makes a move & she cries rape, he’ll be the one that’s fired & how will he explain that to his wife… When he says again on the call that she doesn’t make him hard, I ask if it would make him hard if she was in a room naked & I was there too & I kissed her, touching her tits, then kissing her, getting her to suck his dick while I rode his face… He says that he’s hard & I say see, she makes you hard, but he says it doesn’t count cos I was in the thought too. I also call him out on when he works with her & his chats to me, he asks what days he’s worked with her this week & I guess them all correctly, & he can’t believe I got it right. I even say that he lied to me about the weekend & he says that he did because he wanted to see me & thought I wouldn’t come to his work if I knew she was on shift… No, I don’t care about her, the way he treats me because of her is the reason I wouldn’t go to his work, not because she’s there…

When he gets on a topic he likes – his Facebook pages & watermarking his posts & the algorithm, he writes consistently & sends a lot of pictures from other pages that stole his idea. I love his passion, I don’t understand a lot of what he does but when he says he earned $4000 in a month, I say that my birthday is coming up & he can get me something really nice. He says he has some debt to pay off… Okay dude, I don’t want a gift anyway but fuck, try to make a girl feel special. But then he says “I booked that sat off btw” I ask which sat & he says my birthday Saturday but I ask what date as he is notorious for asking for the wrong one, but he says he checked my snap profile before he wrote it in the book. Awww fuck that is adorable…

18 July 2025 – So we have talked about the weight loss study on the phone & in text before I started this job, I told him I was going to pull out, so I say I have pulled out & got a real injection from the pharmacy. So when he says he hopes I got the real injection, I know he’s not listened to me, then he asks why I had to pay for it & I know he is not reading what I write or listening to what I say. So along with taking ages to reply or not texting me for over 18 hours, he is now tuning me out when we do talk… I feel like more of a fat fuckwit, hanging on to something dead, than ever before. He asks why I stopped the trial, which he knows that it would be hard with this new job because you have to be there for half a day after they inject you & they won’t let you inject yourself so every week I would have to go to Norwood for an injection… Was too hard in the end, so I pulled out.

I am feeling really low today, & I ask, “I don’t aks this often… & never so flat out like this… Maybe it’s the scales… Maybe it’s hearing about you being open with your wife on my blog, post break up…. But why do you even love me?!” I am never vulnerable like this, I never beg for reassurance in this type of way ever, so his reply infuriates me “You are a good friend Normally.. And fuck me good. It’s a bad combo 🤷‍♂️.” What the fuck does he mean by normally?! He asks the same question, I copy his response & send it back to him. He asks why I asked & I say it doesn’t matter he says it clearly does or I wouldn’t have asked, “& you gave me a bullshit reaponse, when I never ask that shit of you. So just forget it. It doesn’t matter…” He disagrees that it was a bullshit response. So I just keep sending him ideas for his posts on Facebook because that’s the other conversation we had going at the same time & I don’t want to talk about it with him. If he can’t even tell me why he loves me with at least a couple of my qualities, then this man doesn’t love me at all & I do not want to think about the fact anymore.

I ask during our phone call about Lego. I have just ordered a new dog Lego that came out with my breed of dog, I am not a Lego person but I just had to have these. I have also seen a Gameboy Lego that is coming out at the end of the year, which I think he might like to go with his console displays… But he shuts it down saying that he can’t concentrate on Lego with his ADHD. He disappears after that & doesn’t say goodbye or come back online.

19 July 2025 – I send a snap of me in underwear with the caption of my starting weight. He doesn’t even mention it or how I look. I say “Wow. Ok then” & he says that “You still look good for your weight btw.” He is taking so long to reply that I ask if he is working with LMA today & he says no. I call bullshit – he says they are really busy because the load is massive today, but I would bet my life on the fact she is at work with him today…

We had semi planned for me to come see him at the end of the day after his shift for an hour around 4:00pm, I don’t really remember this because I didn’t write about it when it happened but when I say that my client cancelled, he says that he’ll be on a break soon so I should come see him now… I realise that he had no intention of seeing me this afternoon because his wife knows they would never roster him till 5:00pm. So if my client didn’t cancel, I wouldn’t have seen him & he wouldn’t have told me… But he says he was going to see me but not till 5:00pm… Oh great, when was he planning on telling me?!  Why am I on the way to his work for his fucking break?! I don’t take any food or drinks, he can get fucked! As an attempt to piss him off & because he isn’t eating, I reach over & give him a hand job without a happy ending!

My next client is earlier so I suggest that he calls me on his second break, but he goes on his break while I am doing lashes & we miss each other. Being he said that he would of seen me this afternoon, I say that I can still come as I’m not doing anything & he says that he doesn’t want me to drive all that way just for 15 minutes. Wait, let me get this straight “So if my client don’t cancel, you were only going to see me for 15 mins?? When we’re you planning on telling me???” I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. “I was gonba try and get out at 4 but thst won’t happen ttixya. Some fucker went home sick. Which means I wont even get out qt 4.15. Was hoping to go at 4. Means I’ll bere to 4.25 probbally.” He calls me on his way home & then we don’t text again today.

20 July 2025 – We say hello but I say goodbye also, because he will need to mow his lawns. He says that he’s really horny & I say it’s probably because I gave him a hand job at his break yesterday, we’re in the middle of sexing, I am explaining that when he says my name I know he is really into it & it’s just pure lust, but guess what?! He disappears at 9:30am… Yeah good one.

He comes back online later that night & says he had a nap today, I say, “Long nap since 9:30am. Must be wide awake.” & he says “Haha na fell asleep around 8.30. But I nap in the mornings often now too,” Funny because he stopped messaging me at 9:30am, I know he means 8:30pm but I am fucked off, “Oh, so you were messaging in your sleep this morning & napped for 13 hours… You are a magician!! Very impressed.” He says he didn’t mean it like that & that he finds it odd he can nap at night & wake up, which I do find weird because lately he doesn’t wake up, I say “Yeah I find it odd how you can be talking about your hard dick & then delete me… But we all find different things odd I guess…🤷🏼‍♀️”

He says that he’s got to go sometimes & he didn’t mean too. I mention that I thought I was more than sex & he says that I am, but “Made it sound like that’s all you want. If I’m so easily deleted & ignored for 12 hours.” He says it’s not as easy as I think, but I say, “You wouldn’t know, I guess. I’ve never ignored you for 12 hours without a goodbye. I’m sure those lawns look good though.” & he says he can’t always say goodbye on days like today & then he says goodnight but I don’t bother replying.

21 July 2025 – Today he has another eye appointment for his blindness in his eyes, again she doesn’t go with him & he gets those drops that fuck your sight so he can’t type at all. If I wasn’t a week into this job, I would have 100% just taken today off. I mean she doesn’t start till 12:00pm she could have gone with him in the morning… When I ask what time the appointment is he sends multiple messages “Now. Im half blind i can’t see. I cant drive. Had ahit pot inta my eyes. Vuco my life” Bahaha… I tell him that I will be home early as I am working from home this afternoon after being in the city & I say he can pop by, but let him know that I have my period, my gut feels distended & that I haven’t eaten – in case he is expecting epic sex.

I call him on my way home, unsolicited, which is unlike me but it’s so that he doesn’t go home while waiting for my message, he won’t look at his phone while driving – not that he should but I mean he won’t even notice I’ve messaged & check to see if I am home & because I am not sure where he is or if he can even drive yet. We talk the whole way home & he is at my house, but then he goes for a drive while he waits for me to get there, he didn’t go in because he took my keys out of his car & hid them in his desk at home when he had his work drinks, in case she went through his car… Um, wouldn’t she go through his desk too?! Anyway, I reverse into the driveway & shortly after he pulls up & says as I get out the car that he wouldn’t be able to reverse his car in my driveway, it is tight but with his eyes he doesn’t think he could do it. He walks around his car & gets something out, while I walk up dribbling shit about the fact my trailer is in the carport so I have to reverse my car so they both fit & as I am talking he walks up to me all manly & slides his hand along my jaw to cup my face & guides my face up to kiss him… I watch the video of that moment 100 times, I fucking melt like a ice cube on a summer day… I am putty in his hand, I go limp at his touch, when I show him the video he agrees, how limp I look. We go inside & we kiss again & this time I feel his cock against me.

Something that is interesting that I never noticed in real life but when I watch back all the security footage of us hugging & kissing, Phoenix will sway his hips & we will rock side to side together. It’s cute & I guess I’ve never been connected with someone so much that I’ve ever really hugged anyone like this before. He also knows I am feeling so shit today that he tells me multiple times that my hair looks good, I mean it does look nice today but for him to notice is also a bit weird. Also maybe today is the weird day to notice things on the security footage, but I have my period so when I go to the bathroom to put the sponge in (see sponge post), Phoenix sits at my dining table & plays with his phone. Every time my girl dog – who is obsessed with men, comes up to him, he doesn’t even acknowledge her at all, that I almost feel sorry for her. My boy dog is standing outside of the toilet door waiting for me, but she is wandering around wanting him to just pat her… I wish I knew that at the time, not now when I wrote about it & posted this…

#IBD4U

Phoenix #56

July 2025 – Everything reminds me of her

13 July 2025 – He says that his head is fine, he hardly slept & is tired, I tell him to to go to sleep but he says “Once im awake during the day I generally dont sleep.” I add, “Or any time you talk to me.” But he says “You must relax my brain haha. Unfortunately for you 😐” He’s told me before that anything relaxing puts him to sleep, I think he means boring… He blames his ADHD for falling asleep when he is interested in something. I am actually diagnosed & quite the opposite, I hyper fixate on things & then get insomnia…. He still thinks he has ADHD & continues to use it as an excuse. Sure Dr Phoenix.

He asks if I want to still catch up for brunch today, which I do & he says that he shouldn’t drive far because he might still be drunk. It gets confusing again & I have no idea what he wants to do, he says he shouldn’t drive far so I say that it’s up to him but he says it’s up to me which makes me think he doesn’t want too, I say that I’ll just eat & let him rest, I go to the dog park because I’ll be fucked if I am waiting at home for him to dick me around. He says that he’s confused what I want. “Well, I wanted to see you but you made me feel about as wanted as anthrax. So I didn’t push it, asked you to tell me when & where… 3 hours later I’m starving… So 🤷🏼‍♀️” He doesn’t understand how he made me feel that way, “You’ve made me feel like you don’t want to see or speak to me all weekend Phoenix. Especially since we don’t even know when we can see each other again.” He says he tried to speak to me but I gave him nothing & I just ask if we can stop going around in circles & ask if we are meeting or not, I don’t know if he is trying to be funny or not when he says “Do you want to meet me ?” OMG are you fucking kidding, he says I am confusing but I don’t know how. He asks if I am coming or not & I say that is what I am asking too, so make a fucking decision Phoenix! He says meet me at a café, that I say I’ll be there in 20 minutes & he says really. OMFG!

I get there & I am waiting to see his car, being it would be a three minute drive for him. I sit in my car for a few minutes but I decide to go in, in case he’s parked somewhere that I can’t see his car. But he’s not inside so I go to the bathroom & he’s still not there, I get some menus & sit down waiting… Where the fuck is he?! He walks in & kisses me hello when he arrives at my table. We order a garlic pizza & a yiros pizza to share & we eat & are out of there pretty quickly, that I wonder why I bothered. We kiss goodbye & go our separate ways. Great!

While at lunch though, he talks about last night, Little Miss A sat next to him, that he drank some of her drink – saying something to her about spiking it & then later she asked if he had spiked it yet. She has also told him inadvertently, that she’d told other girls at another store that she was into a married guy at work, but didn’t mention him by name. He says that no one at his work knows that he’s 40, but they all know he’s married but he never talks about his wife or kids. I mean I believe that, because it took him forever to talk about his kids to me. He also tells me that she was wearing a $500 corset top, I ask if he saw a receipt  He says that she told him & it’s a running joke between them, but I mean it could be a $20 Kmart top & he wouldn’t know. But he says he knows it was expensive… Ok, sure did you look at the label of the thread count when you fucked her?

When he gets home, he sends me an eclipse tin picture – which is what geocaches usually are, with the caption ‘everything reminds me of her’ which I fucking love! OMG I love this snap series he has started, which is what I say to him, encouraging him to keep it going when he thinks of me… Well he’s only sent two so far, but fuck its cute as fuck & I love it… Spoiler alert – it’s the last if this ‘series’ I ever get… He then says good luck for tomorrow & says goodnight.

14 July 2025 – Today is the start of my new job. I am excited, but not about the commute. I have the worlds shittest desk – someone decides later in the afternoon that I need to be moved & they have used my personal mobile number for work without asking me, so I ask for another option, not wanting to use my personal phone for work. He says that the computers are down at his work so the store has been closed, interestingly, he’s barely chatted & saying one line comments so I don’t really understand this man & him saying how much he missed me the last five years if he can’t even text me when the store is closed… Then I get it, LMA is working…

I ask if anyone said anything about how drunk he was & he says no, they were all surprised at how much he can drink though & he says “The girl at work is still flirting with me so I didn’t piss her off either apparently haha” I says phew. & then it’s confirmed, Little Miss A is at work so that’s why he’s not chatting as much… She moved from another store so it’s only fairly new but it all makes sense now why he’s pulled away while at work! We call & talk for his break, we really talk about this job & how unclear my role is, which is what I was afraid of. No one knows in the team what I am supposed to be doing, or more so, what they think I am doing is not what I think I am supposed to be doing, so I am just looking through their computer drives & the generic email inbox for information on what they do.

When I get home he shows me his retro gaming set up & says something about his plex, which I say there is nothing on there anymore for me & he says “If there is something you want just ask. That isn’t obscure lol.” Errr, every time I have asked for something, he said he didn’t have time to even look it up… So is he kidding right now?! I see a post on his Facebook page that says ‘if she doesn’t know what this is, she’s too young for you’ with a picture of Little Golden Books & I ask him if he sent it to Little Miss A. He says that she is almost 20 years younger than him so she wouldn’t know what it is.

I have to go to his wife’s old store for something, I ever go there, even though I know she hasn’t worked there for years but I went to other store locally & they didn’t have what I needed – I forget what I needed but it was important because otherwise I wouldn’t be out looking for it. I don’t know why I say anything, I just get fucking angry with every reply, “That was fucking traumatising. I had to go to the store,” & he asks why, “As if you have to ask that. Being your melodramatic wife cries coming near my street apparently.” He says that she hasn’t worked there for years, so I say, “You also supposedly haven’t seen me in 6 years, so why cry when near my street?? 🤷🏼‍♀️” & he says that “She hasn’t cried or gone near your street in years either.” I write something bitchy – I wish I knew what but I deleted two chats, so he & I will never know, but I just say “Ok, sure. Wasn’t traumatic then.” He asks what I deleted & I say nothing, they were accidents & I say, “Doesn’t matter anyway, you know best. Right? So I’ll say night now before you do.” He says that he doesn’t always know best, that I am smarter than him but he says goodnight.

15 July 2025 – He says good morning sexy lady & I think he has clearly messaged the wrong woman, but I just ask if he is ok… He says that he is but I say that he never says shit like that anymore… He ignores the implication & asks about work. I still don’t know what I am doing what the structure is, I am also so unclear about who to report too…. The team have a very different idea about what my role is to what I think my role is & honestly, I think it’s the job title, it’s very unclear.

Today he says that there has not been a customer in the store & he hasn’t served anyone in five minutes… He even sends pictures of how dead it is & a big toy that he put on the other checkout chair… Um, sorry, can we just talk about ‘how busy’ his work is?! He can’t even fucking chat to me because he’s so busy & today there is no one in the store… I get there are peaks & troughs but it’s just insane the bullshit he spins me… I don’t believe a word of it, but just like his wife, I accept it.

After he is gone for the night, with a day of minimal chat after no one being in the srore but we have a 30 minute phone call & I went for a walk, I have been doing lite & easy & came home to eat my dinner, but I get sick, so I message him, “So this is when I wish you were an available boyfriend… I’ve got pretty instant food poisoning from my lite N Easy salad for dinner… 🫤 I feel awful… But gut is churning & coming out of me quicker than it went in… I guess hopefully I’ll lose some weight. Actually I’m kinda glad you’re not here… My toilet probably stinks  Well glad that’s over… Night ABC”.

16 July 2025 – He says that you can’t get food poisoning that quick, something he learned when he worked with food. I had googled it because I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I did a lash client & then was on the toilet & the tomato I ate kinda fizzed in my mouth when I ate it, so you tell me what it was then? I just fucking hate that he can’t just say, ‘are you ok?’ asking what I ate or something, nope just tells me you can’t get sick that quick… He doesn’t ask me at all all day if I am ok or feeling better. I can’t call in sick on my second day, so I have no choice but to go to work.

After listening to my blog via google read aloud, I realise that I have written multiple times about the fact that if I am ever in a relationship, that I will have some sort of open component to it, that I message him & say that he can fuck LMA, which ltes face it, he doesn’t need my permission & wouldn’t ask for it anyway, “Also, I’ve reflected on it…. I don’t want you to end it with me, if you want to fuck Little Miss A. I want you to tell me if you want too & if you get a chance to go through with it.” He says that he can’t because she knows too many people, I say that he could if she kept her mouth shut, “I don’t think she would… shes just a big flirt tbh and massive narcist … she gets along with all the guys  Just me the most. But sometimes she just sits there staring at me. Sooo weird. I dont mention my wife or kids to her but she would know im married and have kids, she told me she stalked everyone on the weekend on fb haha. I also became her work ‘bestie’ within 2 week haha.” He adds, “She mentioned that she told everyone at her old store she found someone attractive, that is married … but never mentions his wife.. on Monday after working at our store …. but did not say it was me. But indirectly said it to me basically. I said nothing… I didn’t know what to say. Haha yeah but she mentioned I never reference my wife ever. Which I don’t around her 😜 Also the whole fucking store is gossping about us. Watching us carefully.” Why doesn’t that surprise me that he doesn’t mention his wife, I’m the only one that gets all the nitty gritty about her… He says that he will keep his wife away from the store now, “Yeah well Ill be keeping her away from the store now. She will take one look at this chick and think im trying to fuck her. Which im not!” I mean, at least he says that he’s not trying to fuck her…

“She makes sure shes next to me as much as she can haha. It’s so weird. I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life. But I dont hate it 😐” I mean I can’t blame him, flirting is fun… But if a 22 year old flirted with me, I would hate it being he’s old enough to be my child but men are very different with ages. This conversation kills my self esteem – if I even had any, “I’m surprised you haven’t told the manager about me… But I guess I’m not young & hot like the 22yr old & not skinny like you wife… I wouldn’t want to be seen with me either.” But he says he hasn’t told anyone about me – which always hurts just a little when he confirms that. But he says that he wouldn’t tell anyone if he fucked LMA either, I ask not even me? “Maybe you because of our honest relationship. Pretty surenyou would get angry and jealous. I am doing my best to make sure our friendship is not sexual, we have also not exchanged numbers or snap , and she has with the other guy they told her to date. To be fair he is short, nerdy looking with glasses and long blonde hair But they have a similar friendship at work” So she has this same relationship with everyone?! Didn’t he get pissy at me for having a relationship (nothing like what I have with him but in his mind it was) the same as ours?! I would 100% get jealous, but I would rather know that find out some other way. But I am jealous that he wants her at all, especially when I am feeling so fat lately. “I find you attractive and love your body. But that doesn’t stop me from being a dirty old man and finding othed women attractive.”

#IBD4U

Phoenix #55

July 2025 – Blood Pressure Monitor

09 July 2025 – So the distance is even more than it was last month, the more the distance, the more pissed off I get, the more he pulls away & we’re in a vicious circle. I try to communicate how it makes me feel but I get the same repeat responses ‘I’m really busy’, ‘I can’t chat to you all the time’, ‘I work & am an influencer’, ‘I am the main care giver for the kids’ & ‘I fall asleep so early.’ Even today when he comes over, I am in a dressing gown. I was actually expecting that he would have been here a lot earlier than he is, that I’ve even had to message good morning first – expecting that he is going to bail since he hasn’t spoken, then he says, “will be there soon”. Just another thing to make the think that I am now an obligation & he wants to just be fuck buddies. But I have baked for him, trying my hardest to turn things around – through the only way I know how. We kiss at the door & then I take him into the kitchen holding his hand, to give him the third heart cookie pie I have made him, I have used icing this morning to write, BFBFF & a heart on it. He literally picks it up, barely looking at it before eating a huge bite & basically it’s gone. I can’t help but feel like a fucking idiot for putting in effort.

So I do what we do best & the only part that works. I kiss him, leaning against the kitchen counter, him opening up my big oversized dressing gown. He rubs my clit & I pull his dick out, the dogs are being annoying so I put them outside with a treat then come back & press against him, his dick is still out which I don’t realise & it catches me by surprise. So I bend down & suck it while he is finishing eating the cookie.

I stand up & grab his cock leading him into my bedroom by his dick. As we walk down the hallway, him backwards & us kissing, he stumbles, it’s not as easy for him to walk backwards as I do when kissing. Is that because he’s used to leading? He’s bigger & stronger so he can guide me? I don’t know but I even say that it’s hard for him to walk backwards. He gets undressed so quickly that I don’t even notice & I say, “Awww, I wanted to undress you.” He comes up behind me & cups my tits while kissing my neck. I climb onto the bed & he is on top of me, not entering me as quickly as usual, I moan a lot & he teases me for as long as he can stand, which isn’t long at all, I moan louder when he enters me & fucks me for a short time before I ask to get on top.

Today I have a blood pressure monitor on, which is on for 24.5 hours for the weight loss study & it’s taking my blood pressure every 30 minutes which is fucking annoying. However trying to have sex while it’s doing a reading is annoying, I am on top of him, moving the cord out the way but it beeps telling me it’s ready to take a measurement, so I sit on him & try to stay still, knowing that if you aren’t still, it will error out & will wait a minute before measuring again & it will measure 3 times. If it doesn’t measure, then it fails – I only have to have 70% measurements so its not the end of the world if it misses some. So when it fails the first time, I say that I will just suck his cock while we wait, but the second reading fails. So I straddle on him again & sit really still while he is begging me to be inside of him. We chat while he begs but I tell him to shhh & I say “I will fuck you like there is no tomorrow once it’s done but I need to be still”.

Once I see that it’s read successfully, I rip the cuff of my arm & I start riding him hard, fast & deep. I cum hard & quickly on him before he flips me over & he cums deep inside me.  After we have finished, we lay there, he feels distant, it’s been like this for a while. I am uncomfortable from squirting & his cum, I can feel it coming out of me but I know that once I get up to go to the toilet, he will get up & go, which I don’t want to break the session, but it’s been weird with him, we haven’t has sex for two weeks & only saw each other for a work lunch break since then so I’ve been feeling the distance. Why can’t I end this?? Do you know why… Because I know I’ll regret it after I do it & he won’t fight for me.

I think one thing that I don’t ever think of, that he doesn’t get spare time on his own, free from the kids, work, her & me. If he’s not at work, he’s at home with the kids or her. When he’s at work, he is messaging me. When he is home with the kids & working on his Facebook but she is at work, he is messaging me. He himself has said ‘I want to see you as much as I can’ & ‘I want to talk to you as much as I can’ but Phoenix leaves my house & sends about half a dozen messages before I get nothing else from him, no good bye, but he comes back online later to share a picture of him saying he had a shower & he is gone again with no goodbye. He was at my house for less than one hour today. No real cuddling, no reassurance, no connection. He left & because of his lack of messaging after, I just feel like it’s back to how it was before he started reading my blog & started v2.0.

10 July 2025 – We barely text anything, then chat on the phone for his break He sends me a picture of the beach as he is there with the kids, I ask if it reminds him of our walk at the beach, he says a little but he wasn’t going to say but I say that is the shit I need from him, some fucking reassurance, he asks if I need to know when he thinks of me & I say no, don’t worry about it & I say goodnight around lunchtime.

He keeps sporadically messaging which I hate that I reply, we talk about the weight loss study & I say I may need to pull out because of the schedule, which I think they should give you upfront. He’s barely listening to me & says goodnight. I say goodnight with “xxx” & I get nothing like that from him, so I edit the message & remove the kisses so it just says “night“He asks why I edited. But ignore his question.

11 July 2025 – It’s my last day at my shitty HR job, I am so excited. I had bought them all a gift of a mini twirl, a mini bag of cheezels, a mini cake of coke no sugar, & a little gem thing from Shien with my signature little critter on it, which are a few of my favourite things. He says that its cute they got me something, but they didn’t. He sends me a snap of the cinnamon bun oreos & says they have them at his store, they have been deleted & I am devastated, they were sooooo good. But probably why I put on 13 kgs!

He calls me for his break & I also suggest he calls when he is driving home too, which he does… I know it’s Friday & he won’t talk to me tonight after he gets home at lunchtime, they will have sex & he will forget he has a girlfriend as his dick is happy.

12 July 2025 – Last night Phoenix comes back online, he is messaging then I see him typing, but never get a message. I wait 10 minutes. Nothing. I wait 15 minutes. Nothing. I put my phone down & snuggle down for sleep. Another 10 minutes & my watch goes off that he’s typing. I don’t look at it. I am going to just have to ignore him from now on when he comes back online at night – which is hardly ever anyway. I sleep like shit being a stubborn bitch & not looking at his message. In the morning, I half think that he will sneak in my house – I love him having a key but I hate that I am always trying to predict if he’ll ever sneak in again, but I check his message from 10:40pm, but he deleted it. What the actual fuck? Nothing else, no good night, no response to my message. I am pissed off. I literally mean so little to him now.

Even today, it’s Saturday, Phoenix has the day off, I am lucky if I even get a message per hour, while she is at work. So much for wanting to talk to me all the time… I have even look at his Facebook page to see how long ago he posted, I don’t know why because those two things are not linked. He will post on there no matter if he is talking to me or not, if she’s home or not. He’s allowed on there – so I tell myself I am just looking at the nostalgia posts & enjoying them & his sense of humour, which is true, but really, I know he is on his computer & could open up snapchat on the web to message me, like he has done so many times before, but he doesn’t.

He says that we should catch up for breakfast or lunch tomorrow, he might be seedy because he’s got a work party tonight. Little Miss A is going, which I haven’t stopped hearing about that fact… I just say see how you feel, he says “I feel asleep last night but dreamt I was messaging while I was messaging you haha” & I am too pissed to believe his bullshit, what a fucking liar! He has to delete snapchat, so bull-fucking-shit that he just falls asleep while typing a message & then was able to miraculously delete the message he wrote. Yeah okay, “Fell asleep while messaging, deleted the message & then uninstalled the app – fuck, I knew you were talented, but that’s next level. Well done baby!” I am being a smart ass & I know there is going to bullshit excuse “Na I messaged you. Well dreamt I did. When woke up. Then said goodnight but you didn’t reply for half a hour , but I deleted that because I woke up again. Then did all that went to sleep after I wait like half a hour again” If that’s true, why didn’t he try to talk to me, rather than just deleting his apparent good night message & then not speaking again?!

I am barely getting anything from him today, so at around 2:00pm, I eventually say have a good night as he is going out & he asks if I am not talking to him, I say that we are talking, he says, “I see” & then never looks at my message that says “Not like you’re Mr chatty… What do you want me to say??” I fucking hate that he ALWAYS holds all the cards. He just logs off & never looks at what I have to say so why did I bother & why does he bother asking if I’m talking to him if he’s just going to fucking log off a second later. He knows I’m pissed off so his response to me being pissed off is for him to be more pissed than me.

Five hours later, I don’t even know what to say anymore or what to do at this point. Should I end it? I just want to cry but of course I can’t. I’ve been feeling the distance for about two months now. I know we talk every day on the phone but it’s a 30 minute phone call with very sporadic messages. He thinks it’s enough & that I am just being a typical needy girl, I don’t agree, fuck he’s supposed to be my boyfriend, I want to feel connected, wanted & appreciated – I feel nothing. He’s started messaging later & later in the mornings – even though I know he’s up & been up for hours. He stops messaging earlier & earlier, even though he said he didn’t want to do that. He pulled away as I stuggle to keep the connection, so it’s just a fucking circle that I don’t see ending in any other way, but him cutting me off more & more that I end up ending it without any fight from him what-so-ever. It’ll probably be a relief for him anyway.

Six hours later – while he is out drinking he says “I dunno.” He also sends a picture of himself out for his work thing, I bet he sends it while Little Miss A is in the toilet. I say, “Go enjoy your night. You didn’t talk all day while home, now want to chat while out & drunk.. 🤣” He 100% doesn’t even log on if he knows I am out. He says “I did talk. You did bit not talk.” I am not getting into this while he is drunk, I tell him to go have fun… He doesn’t read what I write – the classic Phoenix move, but sends me a message early hours of the morning telling me that he won a gift card for being the most drunk. I hope he fucked Little Miss A & his wife finds out.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #54

July 2025 – Little Miss A

06 July 2025 – You bet I am so fucked off… What the fuck is wrong with him that he couldn’t tell me that they all had the day off & he wouldn’t be online? But honestly what the fuck is wrong with me so still putting up with this fucking cruel move that he constantly does no matter how much I tell him how much it hurts & he just doesn’t give two fucks. He is just cruel, heartless & callous. “Good morning. How was your Saturday, miss me much ? I had a busy day out with the family, taking the kids out the house while there on school holidays.” How hard was that to tell me the night before when he was chatting to me? Or yesterday morning before he just logged off in the morning?! Surely if they went out, his wife & him would of had showers, toilet, getting dressed to go out & he could have quickly messaged. OH FUCK. I forgot, he had told me before he doesn’t take his phone in the shower anymore & recently, he’s alluded to the fact they shower together so that’s why he can’t message when he’s in there… Fuck, I don’t want to think about that. But he has told me she takes forever to get ready when they go out, so surely he would have time to say to me he’s going out all day?! Even in his good morning message… Nope apparently, I mean so little to him that he can’t do the ONE FUCKING THING I ask of him! I wish I could do the one thing he asks me not too, tell his wife!

I say glad you had a good day & he asks how my weekend has been & if I am coming to see him today – did I even know you were at work fuckwit?! I just say “Probably won’t have time if yoy don’t know what time your break is.” He says that it’ll be in half an hour & I say “ok.” I do not get up & rush around to make it to his work like I normally would. He doesn’t do it for me, so why do I keep doing it?! Especially after yesterday. He obviously sees on my snap maps that I am at home & that I have not gone to his work so he calls me. I am so upset & destroyed, that he just thinks I am angry & being moody because I have my period. Good one dickhead.

One thing that I haven’t delved into yet is this chick at Phoenix’s work who is 21 or 22 years old, skinny & hot. He tells me that there are rumours going around his work that they are into each other. He literally brings her up with me so much in our phone calls, that I say that he is going to end up fucking her, that I ask him to end it with me before he does. He says that he doesn’t want to fuck her & that he doesn’t want to end it with me – at least he added in the last bit. He had said on Wednesday about my bosses’ weird shit, one resigning & the other being on extended leave, “This is another reason why I would never try to have an affair with someone I work with.” But I’m sure if he could, there is no doubt in my mind that he would ‘fuck her in a heartbeat’.

It makes me super jealous & probably what is contributing to my mood when he logs off & doesn’t talk to me, that I almost start calling her his girlfriend, but I know that’s something his wife would call her if she knew about her & I don’t want to be that possessive, so I give her a Little Miss nickname because he won’t – weirdly – tell me her name. He doesn’t need to try to make me jealous, I am already jealous of his life, his wife, his kids, his fucking Facebook page – they all get more condiserarion than I do. Hell, I was even jealous of the chick he was going to do a podcast with… I just wish this chick wasn’t flaunting it in front of my boyfriend, who knows he is married. I already have enough competition fighting for his time over his wife, kids, work, sleep, Facebook, mowing the lawn, so I don’t need another chick to fight for his time too. I have started calling her LMA for her Little Miss A pseudonym that I gave her, & Phoenix has started doing the same… I hate it cos the initials thing is ours… Not that we do it very often because we barely say hello or goodbye anymore…

He tries my tactic when I dont talk much, to talk about sex cos like I said, it’s the only thing that we don’t get angry about – usually. He says “IBD4U sucks dick good.” But I say that he’ll never feel it again. “Pfft. You’ll want my cock in you. And you can’t help sucking because you love the noises I make and the feeling of me getting hard in your mouth.” I say that he has others for that & he says that I do it best, “The chick at work might be better… 🤷🏼‍♀️” But he says, that she’s not sucking  his dick, I say “Yet.” He would do it, they have great banter apparently, so don’t bullshit me that I am the best when you would fuck her if you could, “Haha you think she would want too? Well im heading off line, chat later x” I tell him to ask her & see,  but he says, “Na probally get done for sexual harassment. Well goodnight for tonight then.” I don’t reply. As if he asks that when logging off, fucking cunt.

07 July 2025 – When I’ve been writing, I forgot about Little Miss A because there isn’t a lot of text chat about her, it’s all verbal chat in our phone calls & fuck does he go on about her… I can even tell when they are on shift together because he messages me less, if that’s even possible at this point. Just another thing I have to complete with, another thing for me to be feel insignificant, his descriptive words about her are ‘skinny & hot’ while I feel so fucking fat at the moment. The weight loss study is due to start but with my new job, I am not sure I can commit to the days that they need you to be at the clinic, so I have wasted the last month doing all the screening crap when I could have just paid for some injection.

After some cordial good mornings, I tell him that the team now knows I have resigned. He asked how they took it & I say that were sad but not surprised, I think they are more pissed off that they aren’t replacing my role. I mean I work hard & so do the girls but there is so much that is not really needed to be done, so maybe they are going to review processes.

He calls me & I’m sure that he says something about my mood & Little Miss A, paired with the way he treated me on the weekend, that I am just not in the mood to be nice to him or make it easy for him to chat to me. I wait for him to get more stubborn & more pissed off, which is coming but he says, “You done with the sass now?” No, Phoenix, I am not, “No, cos what have you done – not sexual – to make me not be sassy??? Nothing. Besides say ‘I can’t chat to you all the time’ I never fucking asked you too… All I have ever asked of you, if you really reflect on 8 years with me, is for you to communicate when you are going offline…” I’ll give him credit, he tries to lighten the mood, “I’ll take you feedback on board and try and improve my communication.” I say sarcastically, “Like you’re even capable of that.” I’ve said this over & over. He says that he is capable of things, but I know he is home so I say, “Well you’re home now, so incapable of chatting. So speak tomorrow.” & he tries his funny reply “Your feedback is important to Phoenix. We will make sure to pass it onto the relevant parts of his brain.” & I just say goodnight. It is about 12:00pm on a Monday, when he can talk at night because she’s at work, but I can’t keep doing this to myself.

He says that he doesn’t need to go & so I say his usual shit that he says to me, “Good night, you need sleep & can’t chat to me 24/7.” But he says that he can chat to me tonight, “Stop being a fuckwit fuckfish.” I hate that fuckfish makes me smile, but I say, “I’m not… 🤷🏼‍♀️ You can’t chat 24/7 & are an old man. You need sleep. & to mow your lawns before the sun goes down. You have a busy life. You cannot give me all of your attention.” I give him all his excuses so he doesn’t need to give them to me, because I don’t look at any of his messages, he keeps sending me stupid shit that other men send when they’re chatting to themselves in my inbox, “I can’t. But I don’t need to know mow my lawns today because my bin day is today. So you like stuff. I’m a kinky master. You would look hot tied up. Want to see my cock? I bet you would enjoy being spanked. I also like long walks along the beach? What are your interests ? Where in Adelaide you from? Do you mind if the guy is a little younger than you? I would eat your pussy out for hours , can I eat your pussy ?” When in finally look, I smirk, but I can play this game, “Sorry, I can’t chat to you 24/7, I’m very busy. I have kids & a wife, I can’t be messaging you all the time. I work & am an influencer plus I do all the housework & mow the lawns. I also need 12 hours of sleep a night.” This is just stupid but I am not letting this go, he says, “Wow you sound like a busy person How do you even find the time to chat to me !” Oh yeah so busy, “I chat to you as much as I can. I just don’t care how you feel when I don’t chat or communicate about what I’m doing & why I’m offline.” He says that he chats to me more that any one, I think this is such an odd thing he keeps saying, I’m his fucking girlfriend, he should chat to me the most! The more annoyed I get the longer he takes to reply to each message, even though he is home alone, that I just crack it “Urgh, you’ll never get it. What is the point. You’re clearly too busy – said earlier you’re free to chat tonight, why do I even bother???” He says he does get it but I log off & don’t reply.

08 July 2025 – He asks if I am talking to him but I ask the same back, it’s not me that’s not talking. When he calls for his lunch we just fight about it, I don’t know what to do at this point, “Honestly, what do you suggest I do?? Just be ok with the fact you just log off whenever you want & I have no way of knowing if you’re alive???” but he says that he’s alive. I get home early & he calls me again but our conversations are the same… Me being pissed off & him just saying he can’t chat to me all the time. This conversation he says multiple times ‘do what you need to do’ that when we hang up, I ask “You keep saying ‘do what you need to do’ – do you just want to end this?? Is that what you keep alluding too…” Does he want me to end it? Does he want to end it? Does he want to go back to just being fuck buddies?! Why did he say he missed me so much if he doesn’t even want to talk to me now? “Your feedback is important to us. Thank you for signing up for the boyfriend experience package, on a scale of one to ten, how would your rate your experience with Phoenix.  I mean get angry not end it…” I get that he is trying to make jokes & lighten the mood, “My experience as a boyfriend = 0. My experience as a lover = 10” He thinks he should be at least a 4. “I get that this is hard… But when I don’t talk to you, you don’t care cos you’re fucking your wife or with your kids… So you don’t care that your girlfriend isn’t contacting you… I don’t have another life I lead, regardless of work or having kids of my own… So my life is about my boyfeiend – who I want to talk to & share shit with & not just be an after thought after he’s mowed the lawns & everyone is in bed.” I can’t remember which phone conversation he told me but he’d basically chosen mowing the lawns one night over messaging me – don’t you all remember when he mowed the lawns & chatted to me, even sending a selfie?! Now, somehow it’s impossible… I love coming second to mowing the fucking lawns!

We talk about my blog being re-published “Mind you I do think you put your blog back up because you secretly love knowing your on my mind. That Im thinking of you or reading about you but not always showing you. Loser.” I tell him what I have been thinking, “Well when you were reading, you talked to me more… And were sweeter to me.” He ignores that & says, “I’ve been reading it again. 😛  I was also a cunt often to you 🤷‍♂️” Yes, you were Phoenix & you are the biggest cunt to me now, more than anything mean you’ve ever said to me…

#IBD4U

Phoenix #53

July 2025 – #ManifestingGoodThings

02 July 2025 – I decide to manifest good things today, I am sick of being in a foul mood every morning when he hasn’t messaged me enough… “Morning baby cakes. Today is gonna be a good day! I’m gonna get my offer… I am going to be super happy with it. I am going to resign from shitty job. My boyfriend is going to come see me for lunch & not whinge about the drive. #ManifestingGoodThings.” He asks if he can whinge a little & I say not about things that will piss me off.

I look good, I feel good, I am going to see my boyfriend today, we are going to be in a good mood without talking about sex, I am going to get an epic offer for this job & resign from this shitty HR job. I haven’t mentioned to you but there is something going on with our bosses. So the our boss the HR Manager & her boss are so weird together, like creepy affair weird… Clearly I am not judging if they are having an affair because I could care less, but we went out of lunch one day & my boss passed her boss French fries all lunch, across me… One fry at a time. Why didn’t he just order his own fucking lunch?! They were so weird together but he’s been off for an extended period & has now ‘resigned’ which is so fucking weird, & now she’s off on extended leave… WTF has happened…? They are part of the reason I am leaving this shitty job, they have no idea about employment law if it came up & bit them on the ass!

Before Phoenix meets me for lunch, I get an email saying that they ‘we’ll send your offer through today. Looking forward to working with you.’ Which I tell Phoenix is a waste of a email but at least I know it’s coming & I hope they send it while he is with me so we can discuss the amount… I know that it’s more than what he earns at his normal job but if you combine his social media money, he earns more than I do now… He’s also used to his wife being the main bread winner so he won’t be bothered too much with that conversation, I hope…

We meet & go to a café & order lunch, I am so excited that I sit there smiling, looking at my phone more than usual in the hopes I get my letter of offer when we’re together because I know after this I will only get half a dozen mesaages… He even mentions during lunch that I look so happy… I am. I am so scared about taking another job when I was fired from the last two, I am so scared about my relationship with Phoenix changing & being more strained than it is. I am scared because they haven’t decided on the job title & I am scared because it’s so far away from home. There are so many pros & cons that I just don’t know what to do… What’s strikingly interesting is that Phoenix, who is Mr conservative with changing jobs & often says stuff about it being good pay for not a lot & it’s not too far from home, so it’s weird to me now when I look back at these conversations, because he really pushed me to take this new job… Does he think that if I have a longer commute & a busier job that I am happier in, would I be less focused on our dwindling relationship?

We walk back to his car, I won’t let this good mood go, we are kissing in the car park & he whispers things in my ear, which make me wet. But we have our very last sexless date at my work… EVER… I call him without warning when I get my letter of offer, to tell him the job title, the conditions & renumeration. He seems genuinely happy for me or like I said before, is it more for selfish reasons being that I will be more preoccupied in this job to worry about what he is doing?! I now still have to wait for the contract before I can resign! OMG this process is a little insane… Why didn’t they send the contract with the letter of offer?!

03 July 2025 – I am wide awake! I am overthinking… For a change, it’s not about Phoenix. They told me from the start that the job title was up for negotiation, but from there we hadn’t really discussed it, I was thinking it was going to be a senior management role from what they have described, but when the job title on the letter of offer says officer, I am taken aback. While it does say senior, it’s weird that it’s a officer not a manager… They didn’t advertise this role & while they said at one point that they did interview a few people, I am certain that I was the only one. They talked about the team reporting to me, but there are no direct reports on the contract. They explained that I would have the freedom to implement changes etc but the role title doesn’t imply that, as an officer… Phoenix just thinks that they have called the job this so they don’t have to pay me as much, which is also what the job I had where I met Trainer did. They advertised for one role, saw I had experience with another & so they employed me into two conflicting roles – one basically in sales & one in operations, one manager saying get the sale & the other manager saying we can’t fulfill that sale… What was I do to? So I am worried again about vague job descriptions, telling me one thing but giving me a job title that doesn’t support that… I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much! He says “Stop stressing over the title. At the end of the day if you don’t take this job you’ll regret it.” Or is it, that he’ll regret it because I am stuck in a job that allows me to focus on him?

After we have our lunch time chat, which if I am honest was all about my job offer, I say to him, “I just want to say also, thank you Phoenix, for being so supportive of this job change… I think you’re being supportive, purely for your own benefit but thank you because it feels genuine & honest.” While I think he’s reasons are purely for selfish reasons, I don’t think I would have taken the job if I was doing this on my own, talking it out with him has been helpful to give me some more confidence that I am worthy of a senior role.

He tells me that he’s been listening to my blog while he’s painting the house, though he just knocked the bucket of paint over & so spent ages cleaning it up. I ask how he’s listening to it & he gets google to read it out, which I reckon AI would be so weird to listen to it because it wouldn’t get my sense of humour & put the emphasis on the right words… He says that he does use a woman with an Aussie accent to read it but he was also listening at work too. I listen too & it’s quite hilarious when AI says dude or fuckwit, like I would say it so different if I did it like an audio book.

When he comes back online that night, it’s only because he has something he wants to share with me, that clearly his wife wouldn’t give a fuck about. He says that on his blog he got approved for Ads. I had said unless he’s posting, surely he wouldn’t get paid ads but he did… I am proud of him but of course jealous my blog hasn’t ever made me a cent. He’s been posting a ‘where are they now’ series on his Facebook page, I suggest that he puts them all into one post & bam he has a blog. He says that he clicked a link in the toilet & he saw that he had been approved for ads, I say “Bahaha… That’s so cute… And so visual. Love thinking of you taking a shit.” He says that he doesn’t normally look at his phone for his Facebook page – which is bullshit because he looks all the time when at my house & every fucking human plays with their phone on the toilet. He has said he doesn’t play with his phone much at home because that was what use used to cheat, so he doesn’t use it so it doesn’t cause suspicion. I still call bullshit…

Of course because I had been up all night over thinking, I went to sleep early & what do you know, it was a night that Phoenix was awake… I just don’t know how much I believe this bullshit anymore… Every time I go to sleep early – which is not very often, he is always available to chat, & months ago, he would come back online & chat but now he falls asleep at times that he was chatting to me. I just feel like he’s more interested in his Facebook page & so he forgets to come back online as he’s not invested in my blog anymore. I genuinely thinks he forgets me, not that he is so tired. He has had five years of coming online once or twice a month, he was obsessed with my blog & so I was in the forefront of his mind. Now his Facebook money is less, he’s having to think of other ways for it to make money, which he is hyper focusing on, meaning that he is not thinking about me & then sometimes remembers when he wakes up…

04 July 2025 – The worst has happened… I fucking cannot find my bracelet. I haven’t taken it off in 102 days! It is part of me… Did I have it on this morning?! I can’t remember. I dig through my lunch bag, my handbag but I can’t find it. The girls at work are really sweet & tell me to go check my car. I decide to wait until Phoenix has his break because he’ll call me as he finishes around 12:00pm & instead of saying to his wife that his shift is 12:30pm so he can call me when he does have a shift on a Friday, I have to try to find time around 9:00am – 9:30am so I don’t miss out on our call. God forbid Phoenix do anything out of the ordinary on his wife’s day off so I don’t have to go out of my way to fucking make sure we talk & connect on a Friday…

When he calls I go out to my car. I wasn’t going to tell him that I lost it, but it’s given me an excuse to get away from my desk. I do tell him & I tell him that I have googled buying another one, which they are on sale for $150. He tells me that is was $300 – which is was not because it says that it was $250 & now on special for $150. But anyway, I don’t want a new one, I want the one he gave me, I don’t care how much it cost, it has sentimental value to me… The cost is irrelevant. I search my car & I cannot find it. FUCK. I am devastated… He says that it’s probably at home, the girls at work say the same… But I am so fucking heart broken that it might be gone…

He signs off & I send him a snapchat of my resignation letter to my pseudo boss (as mine is still on weird unexplained leave) after having a conversation with her, she asks me not to tell the team. So I don’t… Which is so hard, Phoenix is offline & I just want him to know & I can’t share the news with the team… FUCK, there is no one to celebrate with.

When I get home, I look everywhere but can’t find the bracelet on the floor, I pull back my bedsheet & squeal, there it is! He’s not online but I send him snapchat saying that I found it & I’ve never been happier. This picture also marks the 100th day of snapchat streak – though we have been sending them longer the count is not really correct when you restore it. Anyway, he says when he comes back that he knew it would be in my bed. We talk about my contract too & I show him the position description where it says my role needs a masters degree & seven years of experience in the role, two things I do not have, he laughs. He then tries to diagnose me with anxiety instead of ADHD & says he doesn’t overthink… UM… Is he joking?! He analysed my fucking blog in graphic detail! Then suddenly, mid conversation, he is logging off saying, “Stop over thinking your contract. Im off to sleep. Goodnight xx.”

05 July 2025 – I wake up to a good morning message, I write back morning & he never reads it. FUCKING ASSHOLE! Around 9:30pm he comes back online & asks how my day was & says it’s good to see I got my Lite & Easy delivery – which I posted on my story. He sends a picture of his face saying goodnight when I don’t even click on his messages. Get fucked.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #52

June & July 2025 – Sex sells

30 June 2025 – In the morning he asks why I said goodbye. Then he starts to freak out a little & says “oi” & then “Helloooooooo” I then write morning, but an hour later I have no reply that I wish I never fucking bothered. Why oh why do I always have to be the fucking fool!!! He starts talking about sex because, do you know what, that’s the only part of us that works… It’s the only part that I don’t have to question. It’s the part that we both feel the same about. He does not know how to be a boyfriend or even partner… When I think about it, he doesn’t even know how to be a friend…

I can’t remember when he actually gave it to me, but when he first made tuna mornay for his kids & they loved it, I said that he should make me some. The next time he made it, he added peas & froze a serve for me. It’s been in my freezer mocking me, so this morning I take it out & I’m having it for lunch today, I need to get everything out of my fridge or freezer that remind me of him… Once the Pepsi is gone – if he ever gets to drink it all, I am not buying anymore… (& spoiler alert, to my actual surprise I never bought it again! Usually I say I won’t, but do, cos I’m an idiot!)

We talk on the phone & I for some reason send him the start of my blog. Again like I said the other day, I think it’s because at least when he was reading it, he was chatting to me from 4:30am until 6:00pm then coming back around 8:00pm – 8:30pm till pumpkin o’clock which was 10:30pm. So maybe if he’s reading it again he’ll talk to me more… I send him a video of who will be my new boss, a video I watched of her that was the reason I decided to accept the job, she seems no bullshit, just get the job done type. When he watches it he says “I don’t know why, but I think you would get along with her.” Which is what I thought too, so it’s good to know my supposed best friend can see that too.

I send him a meme that is todays heart, maybe it’ll help explain what I feel? He says, “Maybe you are more mental than I thought … I’m truly sorry I set the bar so high when I started chatting to you and I am genuinely trying to make an effort to message you and ring you. Even if it’s not as much as you like. I hate that it makes you angry at me all the time I had no reason to restart a proper friendship with you (which actually complicates things more ) you would be fucking me still at least once a month and still doing anything I want sexually. I just wanted my good friend back… Not just my sex buddy.” I am not mental, I am trying to understand the same, why did he restart this, he could of just put in a little more effort & chatted more without dating me & calling me his girlfriend. Also he doesn’t take out of that meme that I am reacting to the way he treats me?! “I fucking love our daily conversations… I’m sorry I get so annoyed I just hate that I can’t even get your attention so I just have to wait till you come online & look at your message when something good happens…. Or even if something bad was to happen…. I am glad you did… But it’s just hard cos when you want me, I’m there. Unless I am being stubborn & not replying. I see eveything you send me within minutes… You never have to wait for me to tell me anything…” & then I add when he says if he didn’t care we wouldn’t be still chatting after eight years, “Well that’s not true… Cos I could completely fuck up your life, so you could just be scared of me so don’t want to end it… 🤷🏼‍♀️” Maybe he is just putting in effort now because he knows about the blog & he knows I have everything saved, that I could blackmail him easily? “I could of never put myself in this situation and not let you fuck up my life. And never chatted tto you or fucked you again. I genuinely fucking care about you. If you don’t sense that on our date days. Well fuck you then 🤷‍♂️  I’m just going to use for sex 😛 Just strict meet ups. Sex only. You can cry about your life for 5 minutes after I’ve cum. And I go.” As usual, he has to be more pissed than me, “Why you being a dick… I literally look at the pic I have as phone screen saver everyday & can feel your arm around my hip when I look at it… I don’t want to accept this job because of how it’ll change things for us… How far it is…. I am excited about the role & working with the owner…” He reassures me that “We will make it work for us…” Will we? I am just not sure he can make it work… “Even if it’s a tough 3 months. Once you have settled and can from home every few weeks. How far is it from my house? Maybe I could even visit you for lunch. I would do it if I needed too. Every now and then. You would be worth it.” But him adding ‘if I need too’ tells me every thing I need to know, he will never come to my new work… I am certain of that. & I really don’t want him to come & make me feel like shit for his sacrifice. He says, “I’m not going to do it weekly but yeah. I want you to be successful in your career. We have made it this long with all your job changes.. Also sometimes you’ll just get so horny you’ll think with your cunt 🤷‍♂️ And work something out around work 😛  We will make it woerk.” Again is he trying to convince himself or me?!

1 July 2025 – The next morning, our conversation goes like this, him “Good morning. You get the offer yet ?”, me “No”, him “Hopefully it comes through this morning.” Me “🤞🏻” Him “You a woman of few words today ?”, me “Yep.” Him “Usually your an over sharer fuck fish. You going to ring me today?” me “Got nothing to overshare…” He then calls me & when he hangs up he says, “miss cranky pants.”

He then posts a picture of our bitmojis hugging, that he captions ‘awww’ & he also tags my snapchat. I ask if he meant to post to his story & he says “Nope, but now every girl im chatting up on snapchat on Facebook knows I have a gf called IBD4U.” I didn’t notice it at the time, but now that I am reviewing this post ready to share on my blog, I realise that he said ‘on snapchat on Facebook’ this is his fake snapchat account, so does he mean that he has been sharing this fake snapchat on a Facebook group or he gives it out to women who chat to him from his Facebook page? No wonder he doesn’t have time for his moody girlfriend when he’s got all these women to chat up on snapchat. He better not ever give me shit again for chatting to other men, ever!

Again though, the only thing that keeps the conversation flowing & without one of getting pissed off is sex.. They say sex sells right, so it’s what keeps us active & happy… So when he asks to come meet me for lunch tomorrow I tell him that he shouldn’t come to my work anymore, I don’t want to have a good lunch followed with feeling like shit because he had to drive so far… I mean this guys has to dive 40 minutes to my work now & he’s saying he will come to my new work?! He’s fucking dreaming! He says he’s just a complainer, which I say I am too but he says I never used to be this bad… “Because when we were chatting, you never took more than a few hours when awake to write back. When the dynamic was whenever, monthly etc, I didn’t care…. You’re my boyfriend & take 18 hours to reply & think it’s 18 mins….” He says he knows it isn’t 18 minutes. I mean his time scale is always off, he probably thinks this has been three weeks not three months. “I feel like I message you more than any man that has ever dated you tho 🤷‍♂️” Shouldn’t your boyfriend message you more than anyone else?! “No man has ever loved me or called me their girlfriend before either… Well I have been called girlfriend I guess.. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to not be pissed. You started out messaging me all the time & at night. Now you’re like, well the honeymoon is over, I got her where I want her, so don’t need to make an effort… Our sex life is exciting & surprising & passionate because we make an effort to make it that way… We need to do the same with our communication.” He says that when we’re not fighting it’s good & he has a job he has to get up early for, so says goodnight.

When he’s gone I send my Phoenix style rant “We fight because different things bother us. You never stop going on about petrol, or car servicing or rego because you usually only drive 10 mins… So you make me feel bad, whereas I would drive 20 mins to see you for 30 mins & not even think about it…. But I care that I don’t get to talk to you pretty much from 5:30 every night till I wake up & you don’t care because you are with your family that it doesn’t cross your mind that it sucks for me. As much as you think you’re trying not to piss me off, I am trying not to be pissed off… And if we’re honest about it, I’m only pissed till we talk on the phone at lunch… Which has become my favourite part of my day… & going into a new job, it’ll be easier to set the precedent that I go for walks & talk on the phone at lunch… However the team is 3 men, so don’t think anyone will be that keen to have lunch anyway. I just hate that unless I text you, I have no way to get your attention, until you log back on to whatever app we chat on… Its always been that way & I know that… But I hate that as my boyfriend, I can’t get in contact with you, ever.” He says that it doesn’t bother him to come to my work & I am overthinking his whining. I try to explain, but I probably shouldn’t bother “It bothers me because I have been single forever, I am not used to someone going out of their way to want to see me – I feel so special & excited… And then when they do nothing but bitch about it, I feel so bad for making you do it. & then wish I didn’t want you to make the time because it seems like you’re just doing it cos you have too…”

He says that it’s like I sometimes look for reasons for me to believe he doesn’t care. Maybe I do, which pushes him away & then it will prove me right – self sabotage I guess… “Easier to push you away, than believe you actually love me. It makes more sense for you not to love me tbh… 🤷🏼‍♀️” But he thinks that it’s been too long to think like that, “Fuck you would think after all this time. 8 years of knowing me. You wouldn’t be that way. Especially knowing you would let me just use you just for sex .. Which may I add…you did.” But things have changed, “Because until 3 months ago… As much as we were best friends at certian points & we were more than just sex…. Probably 80% of our relationship has been just sex & sporadic messages….  I will look for reasons why I’m unlovable… Could be part of why my eating is out of control… When I was fat, I could say of course no one loves me, I’m fat…. Then I lost weight & still no one loved me… I always look for ways to just justify why I am the way I am. And sex is all guys have ever wanted from me… So that was easy.” Fuck I am being too open, too vulnerable. Maybe this is part of my problem, I am pushing him away because then I can say he did exactly what I expected… But he has told me that he won’t let me slip through his fingers, he wants me in his life… So why isn’t he making me feel like that is true?!

#IBD4U

Phoenix #51

June 2025 – Job Offer

25 June 2025 – There were plans for him to come over today but because I saw him yesterday I assume I won’t see him but that hasn’t stopped me from making him a cookie pie again & planned to make us burgers for lunch. But of course, he waits till I ask if he is coming before he says that he was asked to work later yesterday & he said no because he was seeing me, but they asked again today so he’s going to stay at work. That’s fine, but I wish he would just fucking tell me his plans rather than waiting till I ask & so then I feel like a wanker & end up eating a whole cookie pie again!

He tells me about a website that has contacted him for advertising, I tell him to get them to send him a PR package & he can do an unboxing video & take pictures with the merchandise, those videos are really big on TikTok, especially if he starts going down the reels road, which he said he was going to do, but hasn’t really.

He calls me at lunch & I find out that the job I had an interview for are doing referee checks on me, which is a positive. He asks if I will take it & I say that it’ll change things for us & I am also scared. “You haven’t been scared in thr past. We will still make things work.” Yeah I know but I took risks before & was fired three times, twice in a 12 month period which destroyed any confidence I thought I had. He says that will make things work? Things are already strained & I work 20 mins from home… This job is at least an hour away from me – an extra 30 mins from him at least, no doubt he won’t ever come to see me at work ever again & if he did I would hear all about how much effort it is. He seems a bit pissed or something because he says goodbye, I ask if he is annoyed about it, “No not annoying att all! Proud of you. We will make it work.” That’s twice, is he trying to convince me, or himself?

26 June 2025 – OMG so he actually tells me that his wife is home sick (her other favourite day to call in sick, a Thursday – because she has Friday’s off) & he might disappear for periods of time today… FUCK, he’s actually giving me a heads up to what his availability is… Jeez! Wonders will never cease! He does say that he will call when he goes to get his click & collect…

He’s out getting a hair cut & going to his favourite restaurant near my house, he calls as he is doing his errands. I don’t know why I let it bother me, but I think because I get such limited time with him that him going through checkouts while talking to me just bugs me today. I think because he doesn’t tell me, I am mid conversation when he is talking to them… Is he even listening to me? What’s the point of these calls if he is distracted? I don’t expect his undivided attention, I have never had that in any scenario ever, even when we have sex, I don’t doubt he is only thinking of me. He gets home & says that he’ll chat later. But he doesn’t… What a surprise.

27 June 2025 – He sends me a picture that is literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever sent me for something so industrial. Let me explain, he is at work, he has taken a picture of a pallet (hahaha yes a pallet!) of cheezels, but the caption is the sweetest part ‘Everything reminds me of her.’ Awwww fuck!

I have engaged in a weight loss study, where you can get the weight loss drugs, not released yet, for free, but you have to go through a million tests, the problem is that they are so fucking slow that it’s lunchtime before I even leave. So I almost miss calling him because I have just gotten to work. But we talk on the phone for our usual lunchtime call.

After he says that he forgot to tell me that Wendy’s ice cream have contacted him too for a collab too, which I say is amazing. I tell him to get them to send a merch pack as well, but he says they can’t send ice cream. Well no but surely they have fucking t shirts or other merch?!

I walk over to the shop & say that he can call me on his way home, which he does. We say good bye on the phone for the afternoon. But when I get back to the office, I get a phone call from the recruiter, that I got the job! She asks what I would want for remuneration & says that I will have a letter of offer Monday. I send him a snap, but of course, he doesn’t come online tonight. “I wish you were online… 😔 You’re the only one I want to tell… I’m sad you don’t know. 😔” It’s when I am grossly aware of our situation & how little he gives me.

28 June 2025 – He says congratulations & he fell asleep at 10:00pm last night… Er, 10:00pm? & you couldn’t come back online? He was coming back online at 8:30pm – 9:00pm after a nap, making himself wake up to come back online to chat to me, now he’s falling asleep at the time he used to fall asleep while chatting to me only 30 minutes before what I call pumpkin o’clock & he couldn’t chat!? His wife was sick the day before so assuming she was in bed early?! Fuck this guy is just a cockhead! But you know who is a bigger cockhead? ME! For being in this, for allowing this, how much longer can I listen to this bullshit?

The recruiter called me a unicorn, so I say that I may have room for negotiation for more money, he says, “You wish you were a unicorn with me and another bloke.” But I say that I don’t want that, he knows that too, he says that I would love it, “Nah, you knew it was my #2 fantasy but you did it with someone else then rubbed in my face, over & over.” He says he didn’t do it on purpose, what do my fantasy or rub it in my face?! Cos both were on fucking purpose! A threesome isn’t an accident & texting me all about it is certainly not an accident… He doesn’t ask me what my #1 fantasy is…

He asks if I am bringing him food today but yesterday he said ‘I guess I have to see you’ but he also hadn’t really planned even though I told him I moved my clients so I could see him, but I assumed that we were getting lunch he says that he doesn’t want to spend any money, oh ok, so I’ll just spend the money making lunches when he knows I don’t fucking cook or eat that much. My food bill has doubled since I started making his lunches. Not that it’s about money for me, obviously, but he seems to remind me all the time how much everything costs.

I pick him up & we go to the 4WD shop for me to buy a car fridge. I absolutely love shopping & doing mundane errands with him. He doesn’t get it, he won’t ever get it, he’s had someone to do errands with for almost as long as I have been single so I can see that doing errands on his own would be a novelty, but for me doing them with him, is the best. Afterwards we head back close to his work & we look for some geocaches. I genuinely don’t know how to have a sex less date, so I suck his dick a little when we can’t find the last one. Then I drop him back at his car. I can’t remember why but after we have hung out for a couple of hours he calls me.

Later that night I am out with my nieces & family for the Beauty & the Beast stage show. I look good & feel good that I send him a couple of pictures. It’s only 5:30pm & he hasn’t said goodbye, I am a wine down so I am feeling better. At 6:00pm he says, “Have fun. Looking cute!” I now have another wine in hand, I know he won’t chat to me because I am out… But he can fucking say goodbye, “I fucking love you Phoenix. & you are my best friend, boyfriend, lover, confidant & just all rounder. I want to tell you things first, I want you to tell me things first (even though it’s not possible) it’s not about missing you, it’s about wanting you..” I can’t remember if he reads it or not, I don’t think so, because either way there is no reply still at 10:30pm when I am now four or five wines down, that I say, “Yeah ignore that. Whatever. I don’t give a shit anymore.”

29 June 2025 – I feel like a fool. It’s my own fault, I can’t blame him, I mean I keep putting myself out there thinking he is going to care & he just doesn’t. It is 100% on me. It’s not his fault I let my expectations get so high – that he set & he just can’t meet them… At 7:10am he messages after being up for at least two hours, “Omg. Don’t be like that. I did fall asleep early again. I’m really struggling staying up past 10. I love the fact you want me …” I don’t reply, so an hour later, he writes “I’m sorry I’m an old man that struggles to say up.” 10:00pm! His pumpkin o’clock was 10:30pm, so what happened to messaging around 8:30pm – 9:00pm like he was before?! A half an hour later, I say, “I’ll let you get your sleep then.” & I put my phone down. I am so sick of being told I am worth his time by his words but by his actions, it is clear that I am not worth his time at all.

He sends four messages over the next 40 minutes, just single short messages “Don’t be like that. IBD4U. You suck. Talk to me cranky pants” I ask what he wants me to say & he says he doesn’t know but not to get angry at him being an old man. But I’m not angry because he falls asleep – yeah you know at 10:00pm without saying goodnight – but he says, “My intention is to stay away and chat to you … I thought I would last night” I have heard this before… ‘I was planning on talking to you, but instead I wrote a pizza blog till midnight & then fucked my wife…’ He’s staying up till 10:00pm & can’t chat, so yeah I’m annoyed… “Yeah, you stay away cos you knew I was out & won’t talk to me. You don’t even say good night anymore, I am just not even a fucking thought in your head before you ‘fall’ so suddenly asleep. I call bullshit.” He wasn’t planning on chatting because he knew I was out. He says that ‘away was supposed to be awake’ & that I am in his head. But if I was in his head & he understands how it upsets me that he doesn’t even say goodbye, then he would come back & say goodbye. I am not in his head at all, he doesn’t care if he upsets me. He’s said some bullshit before about not having empathy & stuff, but it’s not about empathy. Only a month or two ago he was saying how much he cared for me & missed me, missed talking to me & missed seeing me. Literally talking to me so much that I knew in my heart that he couldn’t sustain that level, but I got addicted… Now he is just acting like Marvel again – just messaging when it’s time for sex. He tells me my brain is weird but I say, “My brain reads what you wrote. My brain does not believe you cannot stay awake long enough to type ‘Night’” he says he wanted to stay up to chat to me, “I didn’t realise I would have a boyfriend & still have to talk to myself.” I think I prefer being single. “You don’t talk to yourself. I love the fact you want to tell me everything. I don’t ignore for weeks like I use too!” You know it was easier when I knew what the deal was, I knew what I was getting, he would only come online when it was around the time to fuck, I got Phoenix spouting his love for me but will only give me his time when he feels like it. He says that he had to deal with some bullshit on his page with some D list celebrity & then he fell asleep… I didn’t realise that while dealing with social media, that he couldn’t type out n.i.g.h.t. You’re right Phoenix, you fall asleep before you can type such a epic message out to the person you love & don’t get to see that often.

It’s around midday so I say, “Well, I’ll leave you to deal with you thing & get some sleep.” He tells me not to be like that & talks all about this celebrity issue he’s had, I say it’s probably not even her & he says that it is. Sure whatever you think… He calls me & we talk, we same the same shit over & over, when we get off the phone he says, “Miss me Yett” I tell him to fuck off. At 3:00pm he says, “I ❤️ you.” But the heart reminds me that it’s what I used to do because I was too scared to say the word love because I didn’t want to let my guard down & because I still didn’t know what I was really feeling… It tells me he doesn’t love me, he just saying shit now to keep me from destroying his life. He says he’s going to head offline, at 5:30pm, but I don’t read it so ten minutes later he says goodnight. I write back at 7:30pm “Goodbye Phoenix.”

#IBD4U

Phoenix #50

June 2025 – Forrest Fuck

19 June 2025 – I wake up to see that he said yes that he did restore our snapstreak & he paid to do it too… I smile like a waker at that. Why was it so easy to let his guard down when he started this, after reading my blog, but now he he’s putting it back up? All he needs to do is show me that I mean something to him, rather than leaving me hanging for 18 hours for him to come back online…

He comes to my work for lunch, we go to the tavern & we sit opposite each other, I guess this is what happens with relationships after a while, you grow distant with each other… Didn’t think it would happen after only ten dates. I guess it has been eight years. I have booked an hour with him, so I have to work later to make up the time, the last 10 – 15 minutes of our date are at his car, he is worring about his rego & that he doesn’t have any money to pay but his car is unregistered & he normally only drives five minutes so he steals money out of his kids account to register his car & he just makes me feel like this is not worth it… I stand there while he plays with his phone transferring money around, thinking I have to work later for this?! We barely text as he is going offline between 3:00pm & 4:00pm everyday now, that I say to his ‘hopefully chat later‘ message, “Yeah, sorry. I don’t think you should come to my work anymore.”

20 June 2025 – The next day, because of course he can’t come online at night anymore, he asks why in the morning. I mean does he really need to ask that?! “Because I walk away feeling shit. You remind me how far it is & that it’s your only day to do stuff & you use that time for me. You had no money but had to register your car making me feel even worse because you came down. I’d just prefer not to walk away feeling awful.” I’d just rather not bother. I tell him it’s not worth it & he says “It is worth it. Stop being fucking dumb. Haha I even had to fill up with petrol just to see you 😛  But so worth it. You have never asked me to see you at work … i do it myself … You are so worth 90k round trip ! Having a lunch date is worth it. I wanted to get outside and hold uou and give you a proper kiss before I left 😕 And decent hug. And you want to know the most fucked thing we when spend time together. Time goes so fast, a lunch date feels like 15 mins. A day s. Date feels like 2 hours …” I never complain that I drive 20 minutes each way for a strict 30 minute break with him– I may complain about other things, but not the drive to see him. I even take him fucking food that I’ve cooked & warmed up, wrapping it it an tea towel so it’s hot for him so he gets a yummy hot meal, I take snacks & drinks… I just get him bitching about rego or petrol or the car service, then the distance & time he doesn’t have – THEN DON’T FUCKING COME, I never asked for it & I don’t want to keep feeling like shit every fucking time he comes to my work! “But you are so worth it, let me come see you for lunch.”

21 June 2025 – He hasn’t admitted that he isn’t working today, a Saturday until he tells me that his daughter has birthday parties today & they are all going to them, I say goodbye after waiting two hours from 8:10am for his reply, him disappearing mid conversation. He sends two cheeky messages at 12:30pm & 5:00pm to tell me he is thinking of me, asks me a question & never logs back online to read my response… Good one!

22 June 2025 – I try not to be pissed, I am not going to message with a pissed off ‘crazy’ message as he says, this is what he wants, fine. This is what he gets. Guess what? I bet you can’t guess what he says when he logs on? “I fell asleep early last night 😕 I was going to try and message you.” Yeah ok. He tells me about a post on his page about twisites & cheezels, saying that cheezels are winning, I just say that there wasn’t ever any doubt. He goes offline for the day & comes back, & we talk about my gym closing – don’t even get me started on that story & then he says goodnight.

23 June 2025 – He pulls out of the podcast, having only recorded two episodes “I just pulled out of the Podcast….. haha I was too scared to listen to our first episode. the interview was good…. but the actual episode sucked. she talks like shes talking to children and I just don’t think Ican do that. introducing the second episode of the singer… and it just felt so fucking lame the entire episode, plus I did all the fuckin research. Im thinking to myself, the dude just writes fucking kids song, his favourite food isnt fuckin apples haha. we also had no chemisty and I think our age gap was just too much. People allready are dicks on social media, and I just simply did not want to a do podcast where the other hosts talks to the audience like they are 6 year children.” Well that’s fair enough, I know how hard it is to find someone to do a podcast with. Honestly, I would love to do one with Phoenix. Ironically that’s the longest mesaage he’s sent me in months…

He asks if I am ringing him for lunch & when I try to call he doesn’t answer – awesome! When he calls back, he tells me where I can listen to the podcast, they have two episodes up & it’s not as bad as he thinks it is but she is pretty cringy, it’s hard not to judge her based on the things that he has said to me, because I am always going to side with him, but it’s definitely not that bad…

We talk about my internet speed & I notice when I am chatting about something that he is interested in or has an opinion on, he doesn’t shut up, I get many messages & screenshots of different internet providers. I also have an interview tomorrow for this job with no job title, so I am going to call in sick tomorrow. I was going to fake a flat tyre or car trouble, but I would be in corporate clothes with make up on so it might be a bit suss. It’s just easier to call in sick. Not like everyone else doesn’t do it too. I ask him if he wants to see me tomorrow after the interview at 9:00am, I’ll be home around 11:00am but I can meet him down his way, & I wait for him to say he’s going to be busy but he says, “It’s a pity it’s raining tommoelw w. We could of had a mini lunch date and done some geo cache hunting.” Well we decide to suss it depending on what time I get back from the interview.

24 June 2025 – Today he says “No sex?” & I say no, that I am not a piece of vagina meat. When he says that it’s been like a week, I say that it’s actually been two weeks since we last had sex. He says that he thought it was only a week, I say “Wasn’t with me… 🤷🏼‍♀️” Great, just what I need today, the day of my interview is to think about Phoenix & his wife fucking more than we do, now he’s just confirmed it, considering he doesn’t deny it like usual, saying something about them hardly ever having sex… Oh good, even better…

I have re-published my blog, because maybe that will make him talk to me more? Even if I was pissed off about the things he said, at least he would talk to me… I am so fucking dumb, I mean what a stupid way to get him to talk to me… Though I guess I used sax as a way to get him to talk to me… I give you permission to judge me! He says he’s struggling to find the beginning to read from the start, I think I make more sense if you read from the beginning, after everything I’ve been through & why I put up with this shit from Phoenix …

So we’ve really gotten into Geocaching, which I love that it’s our thing. I love my geeky thing that I haven’t done for years & showing it to him too. It’s also really good for us because we can’t just go out like a usual couple, I mean we have done dates which anyone could catch us but getting out & doing something active is probably what our thing is, otherwise we just sit around my house & just have sex. Don’t get me wrong I want to fuck him every time I see him, but I do love the sex-less dates – when they happen!

The weather is awful today. I have called in sick, finished my interview & he will finish around the time that I will be free around midday & that will give us a few hours together, he says to meet him near him to we have more time together, so I meet at his work & I take him home to get changed, get his rain jacket & he says we will go somewhere for lunch, that we can’t always have sex – which I huff about, even though I said this morning we weren’t going to have sex!

I have found a track of geocaches around Myponga reservoir but because it looks fucked with the weather, like it could piss down with rain at any moment,  we find a cafe in Myponga – looks like everything else has shut down. It’s yummy food & Phoenix pays for me. We find a couch to sit & cuddle on, kissing & chatting before our food arrives. These are the moments that I cherish. A moment that someone in a relationship for eight years would usually probably take for granted. Even though I had been ‘seeing’ this man for so long, you would usually just be a normal couple, we are anything but normal. But people probably look at us thinking we are a new couple, a loved up new couple out on a first month date or something because of all the touching & kissing.

The café brings our lunch & I see that my soup has a lot of garlic at the bottom, like garlic granules. It tastes great but I know that later he will tell me my breath is rank – like he did the very first night we fucked, that he never lets me forget, so I give him a spoonful or two towards the end because then he will have garlic breath too. As he finishes eating it, I tell him that I gave it to him so he has garlic breath! He laughs when I tell him & says that it is really garlicy!

After lunch we leave the café for the reservoir & some geocache hunting – I have forgotten the stamp that I bought, but most of these ones are small anyway. I really love doing this with him. It’s so lame, but fuck it’s just nice walking with him, holding his hand, talking with him. It’s cold & windy, so we can’t talk that well, especially since we also have our hoods on, its harder to hear. We are looking for ages for one of the geocaches that just as we find it, the rains come & it’s heavy. I start running back to the car while Phoenix walks but he makes it back there about 20 steps behind me, being his legs are so much longer.

We decide to risk a walk for another one as the rains comes & go quickly. As we’re walking & talking, I tell him it’s cold & that I wore no bra, because I was going to sit opposite him at lunch & my nipples would get hard cos it’s cold & he would just have to look at them. I unzip my jacket, even though it’s cold & give him a little peak of how hard they are through my Lycra sports top. Before I know what’s happening, he’s pulled my top up to expose my tits to the cold air, in the middle of the forest. Now I am not worried, there are no cars at all & we have not seen a person, only kangaroo’s since we arrived. I pull my top down & tell him off, with a laugh asking how he’d like it if his cock was out in the cold. Two seconds later, his cock is out. It’s hard. So I suggest – because there is going to be no sex today, that I just suck his cock in the forest… To my surprise, his worry is about how I will get down on my knees in the wet forest, I laugh saying that is the last concern I thought he would have. He can be sweet sometimes. I tell him that I will bob down, I don’t need to put my knees on the ground & that I think it’s hilarious that where my knees are going to go on the wet ground is the main concern for him right now when I am offering to suck his cock in a forest!

We get to the geocache area & we look around for a moment, but then I am standing a on a log, close to Phoenix & about his height that I grab him & kiss him, really passionately. He reciprocates by kissing me back, that I reach down & feel for his cock, I pull it out & bob down to suck it, in broad daylight, in the middle of some bushes. My knees don’t hit the wet, muddy ground, but I suck his cock for a little while, not heaps long. I stand up to kiss him & see if he likes it, with his cock in my hand & he says he wants to fuck me. He turns me around before I can really say anything & tugs on my pants, I unbutton them but say we should go deeper into the bushes – it is still very exposed, I face a tree, my pants are around my ankles so quickly, bending over & guiding his cock in me from behind. He starts off slow but then building to pound me hard, my hands a breaking bark off the tree with every regrip, he tells me that I am so  wet. Broad daylight, forest fucking, when I say forest, we are literally in about ten steps from the path & we are not deep in a forest, there are small pine trees with a few large gum trees, but this is one of the most exposed fucks I’ve ever had.

We aren’t fucking long before he says he’s cumming, I tell him to cum in me. It’s hot & sexy, I am not surprised he didn’t last long & to be honest, we couldn’t have a long session out in the wilderness anyway. He steps away & knows I haven’t cum, I pull my pants up a bit before he is back over by me & slides his hands into my panties & starts rubbing my clit. He pushes me back against the tree we just fucked on & he is rubbing my clit so well that I know I am going to cum… I know that when I get close & make more noise & I start cumming, he stops thinking I am finished, but I am not, so I make sure that I tell him I am cumming but that he shouldn’t stop, I tell him to keep going because I cum longer than he thinks sometimes.

As I pull up my pants, he says, “is the cache even over here? Did you just bring me over here to fuck me” & laughs. I didn’t just bring him into the bushes to fuck him. As we’re walking around looking for it, my ass feels a bit wet & I touch it & can’t work out if it is wet, I bend over & make him look to tell me if it is wet, which he says yes – I think it’s our cum! We find the geocache easily then walk back to the car & go to the bathroom because I’ve also just had his cum rubbed into my clit. I need to make sure that I don’t get a UTI. We attempt another geocache but as we have to cross a mini river, we decide that it’s not worth it, that it’s too close to him needing to leave & it’s still a bit too far away.

I do take a photo with him, I love the way he pulls me in tight next to him when I ask for a photo. He knows its my favourite part so he does it again, maybe even if I hadn’t told him, he would have still done it. Something people probably take for granted if their partner does that, but I relish in the fact that he pulls me tight, like he actually wants to be in the photo. I remember seeing one of him & his wife shortly after we ended the first affair on their AMM profile, they are out, she looked all made up with makeup & hair nice, is obvious they are taking a pic together, they’re sitting next to each other but he has leaned in so his head is in the pic but isn’t touching her at all, same as their wedding picture she obviously loves as it’s her FB profile picture, she is leaning on him smiling & he doesn’t even look like he wants to be there in either photo, from what I remember… I never want that for me, where a guy chooses me, but really isn’t in it – so much so that it’s obvious to an outsider that he couldn’t care less about the picture. Phoenix looks & feel – with his hand around my waist, invested in this picture.

We do a couple more geocaches, we have some laughs when he can’t start my car because he is using his key. We have similar cars so our keys are the same. We stop at another rest stop on the way home & do another geocache & as I have my phone out for the cache, I take another picture of us & the view of the valley, I send all three pictures to him. I wonder what he’ll do with them… I don’t know if he notices or if I tell him but I have made a picture of us from Hallett Cove, my phone background. I love seeing us looking so happy every time I open my phone.

We have some touches, hold hands while driving & some conversation before I am dropping him back at his car – my least favourite thing to do. We kiss goodbye, he pulls this face when I say that I’m sad he has to go, that he tells me he’s sad about it too, he says, “don’t miss me too much” & he legs it out the car & is in his car before I can really say anything, so as I see him reversing I send a message, unprecedently first, that simply says, “I miss you already.”

Because we’ve talked all day, particularly about how I’ve been feeling, as he goes offline for the afternoon, I send “I’m glad we can talk about when I’m feeling insignificant… But I want you to know, I realise sometimes I’m being a fuckwit… I guess I didn’t really think that when you’re alone no family home, that’s your time to do what you want… I just expect you you want to use that time chatting to me. It’s not that you don’t want too, but it’s either chatting to me or your family are home & take your focus… I just sometimes need to remember the situation I’m in & while I think it’s difficult for me, it’s also difficult for you. Love you a lot. I’ve been awake since 3am, so not sure I’ll be awake late but you probably won’t either, old man. Chat later xxx” He says when he comes back online later that night, “Sometimes your brain makes sense haha!”  he also adds not to wait up, he’s falling asleep. I have been trying to be reflective of this situation & the part I play, “I try to be reasonable even when I’m being unreasonable… 🤣”

#IBD4U

Phoenix #49

June 2025 – Cookie Pie

13 June 2025 – What fucking kills me is the next morning, Phoenix tells me that he was awake until after 12:00am doing his pizza post, I try not to let that bother me, I don’t want to be annoyed with him. We clearly have very different ideas on what he meant when he said ‘I want to chat to you as much as I can’ & the fact that he was & now doesn’t. We chat on the phone for his break even though it’s Friday – of course me making sacrifices that could get me fired, that he wouldn’t make for me…

At Christmas last year I was given a little clear board that lights up, it’s like a whiteboard with some fluro pens that glow when the light is on. I’ve been putting all the holidays up like Anzac day, happy easter etc. But today I put on it ‘It’s not a Gameboy!’ & so I send a picture of it to him, but he seems to miss the picture & doesn’t mention it.

He goes offline, hoping he’ll come back later that night because I have some exciting news so I send a message, “I just got a call for a job I applied for… They don’t want me for that job but want to meet me for another role but she couldn’t tell me about much – from reading between the lines – the person in the role is not doing well & is moving on… But I’ll meet with her next week to get more details… But that’s kinda exciting.” But what do you know, he doesn’t come back online, probably because he stayed up the night before writing a post for his page.

14 June 2025 – When he finally comes online today it’s after 9:00am, while he’s at work, he doesn’t mention my news, just tells me that his phone didn’t charge overnight. He doesn’t say anything to me about his break which annoys me because I have baked a cookie pie for him. He calls me again – maybe on a break or his way home, I can’t recall but we get off the phone & have a fight… Probably because I feel like a fucking wanker & he keeps saying he hasn’t changed.

He didn’t tell me about his breaks today, knowing I literally go see him every weekend now, with food that I’ve cooked & he knows I don’t even cook for myself, “Sorry? I recall a time when you told me off for not telling you I was working from home, because ‘you want to see me as much as you can’ yet today, you can’t even message me till after 9am & say you didn’t want to take up my holidays… I’m sure you’re busy & need your sleep. Night.” I am sick of this, why is it always the same?! Why am I always allowing this? “I didn’t know what your clients were gonna be like that today and I forgot to check my phone was on charge But I do want you to tell me when you are working from home !” He asked me my schedule but opted to call me instead, his last message was around 4:00pm. I don’t write back till after 7:00pm, “Your phone was charged enough to watch YouTube… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Also you tell me to message when you’re not online, cos you want to hear what I have to say – but you don’t even acknowledge what I even said so I basically am just a dude in my chat app PM’s having a convo with himself. Yesterday I spent ages making a yummy lunch & dessert to see you today – but you don’t ask about my clients (knowing full well I don’t start clients till 11 so I have time to see you) & you never tell me when you’re working anymore or your vague about it, so as always this is solely on Phoenix’s terms. But it’s cos he’s so busy & tired, not because he’s changed or taking me for granted. No, definitely not. It’s been 3 months – so 3 weeks in Phoenix time. Maybe it’s time to really think about what you want.” I toss & turn all night while he sleeps soundly… Not giving a fuck that he is making me feel so insignificant, he just plays it off as I’m being a typical girlfriend…

15 June 2025 –  At 7:50am he finally replies, “I watch YouTube on TV only… Did you want me to start sending you my roster again?” I don’t write back until 3:00pm where I just say “No”, if he doesn’t want me to know when he’s working so he can use it at an excuse, then so be it… “I don’t know what you want to do , but if you can’t handle it , if I need too, I can pull back, I genuinely have tried to make an effort to message you more , ring you as much as I can and see often …, and try not to take you for granted , I know I’m not perfect nor is the situation, but I don’t want to always fuck you off either Orr upset you.” If he needs to pull back?! Is he joking, he already has!

At 5:30pm, I write back, “This is how you treated me right before your daughter was born & right before you got married. So either you have something big going on & you don’t know how to tell me or you want me to end it. Either way, the way you acted today, speaks volumes of how much I mean to you. 🤷🏼‍♀️” Who wants to make a bet I won’t hear from him again until tomorrow?!

16 June 2025 – Fuck that was the safest bet ever placed!! He does a really good job of not taking me for granted, by not messaging me from his last message yesterday at 5:00pm until today at almost 11:30am! “Nothing big is happening, just my normal boring life haha. I don’t want you to end things, I just don’t want tto keep pissing you off all the time ! I honestly do try and message you daily, and message you when I can 😕 Yesterday you gave me nothing so I gave it back to you. You do mean something to me, and I really enjoyed our day out the other day. Honestly I have been trying with you …. I wish you could see it. Always ring you when I can and see you when I can… I assumed you were going to see me yesterday.” Yeah good one Phoenix, his standard move when I am upset, hurt or angry is to be more stubborn…! He didn’t again bother to tell me when his break is, so how could I go see him?! I made a fucking lunch & a cookie pie for him, I feel like such a fucker wanker for doing it… & all I get is stubborn Phoenix – who started this, by letting his guard down, so why the fuck is it up again?? I bet they’re moving interstate or she’s pregnant again… Definitely something big is happening & I won’t be privy to it until about five months after I stop talking to him – what this space! It’s happened twice before, so I’m certian of it!

I ask him to call on my break & he is a fuck wit & says to me when we’re talking, ‘do you have your period’, which I don’t & I say after we hang up “And BTW I don’t have my period. No, I am in a relationship where the guy doesn’t act like he cares & instead of trying to make me feel better he just ignores me more because he’s being a typical guy…” But he just says that maybe I should become lesbo, is he fucking serious… “So I think we should circle back to something I said a while ago, that we say goodbye after work & if you come back you come back & if you don’t, you don’t… But also when I get upset, you don’t be a stubborn asshole & ignore me more… & then I won’t be a bitch. It’s the circle of life…” He says that what he’s been doing, oh righto, “No… You said you didn’t want to do that… And when I get upset, you say you don’t want to upset me but then make me more upset by being a bastard.” Would have been nice if he let me in on that fucking detail of saying goodbye after work – which for the record he still doesn’t do, remember the other Friday when I got one mesaage & then nothing until he deemed it safe to come back online – probably lying in bed with her, when it’s safe…

“And what about the being a dick when I’m upset?? And logging off at midday friday & never coming back then not messaging till 9 am Saturday, is not considered by anyone as ‘chatting every chance they get’” He says he’s in bed early Friday nights, which is not fucking true, “And not messaging till 9am Saturday? When you’ve been up since 4:30 watching you tube??? Maybe this will help you understand my perspective – on Friday you said ‘do something productive’ & I have seen you every sat or sun you’ve worked for weeks besides when I was away… So I made a cookie pie & I made yummy healthy lunches thinking, he never gives me much notice but on Saturday morning for his break, so I’ll be ready when I wake up the I’ll let you know that I made something yummy… But you didn’t bother to come back online until about 6 mins before your break. You then did the same for your 2nd break & didn’t bother to even message Sunday, being more stubborn, while I sit there thinking how much of a fucking idiot I am for even wanting to do nice things for you, non sexual thing… when your nice thing for me is making me cum… I am really not more than sex to you, am I?!” He has said over & over that I am not just sex to him, but he is making me feel like I am just sex & mean nothing to him. He is making me feel like he’s regretting starting this version of this affair. ”I had no idea you were going to do that for me. That is pretty fuckin cool. I always wanted more than sex for you.. I’m the one that is telling you we should have no sex on our date days…” Where does he think the food comes from that I take him every weekend? He knows I make food because I made him pasta, made a platter – the list goes on…“I have made you lunch every fucking weekend you’ve worked since we started ‘non’ sex dates… So do you understand why I was upset? Yes I could’ve told you that I had made lunches ready, but I was even more upset that I knew you’d been up since before the sun ( &always before me!) but hasn’t messaged me at all… So I felt like more of an idiot the longer time went on…”

I guess it’s my fault, I plan & he doesn’t, I plan nice things because I am not as good vocalising my feelings or being tactile, I made the cookie pie in the shape of a heart & felt like a dickhead so I ate the whole thing which made me feel sick but I needed it gone, “It would of been a really nice surprise 😕 Thank you for doing that for me. I’m sorry what happened on sat.” He says sorry but I just don’t think things will change, can we get past this? Can he stop doing it? Can I stop being upset about it? I know I pick on his actions a lot, I know I am not innocent, but he is the one that started this, set the precedence of how this would go & now he’s changing it again, while I am still on the relationship train is what is killing me…

He says he is not good at this stuff when I get upset, but he says he is doing his best to message me when he can but then he says something so fucking dumb, I am bewildered by his excuses when I ask that he wasn’t alone to message me for 18 fucking hours, “Both my kids can fucking read too so gotta be carefull.” My nieces & nephews are the same age & they couldn’t give a fuck what I am doing on my phone & this is just a new excuse, so he doesn’t have to put in effort. So I say ‘time for you to go’ & I log off. What an absolute fucking joke.

17 June 2025 – I have an interview today for the job I told him about on Friday, I don’t want to talk to him this morning. I need to be in the right headspace. He messages but all I say is ‘yo’ to him, I don’t want to be pissed off for this meeting & I wish I just let him on read. It’s difficult because I can’t prepare as it’s not a job I applied for & they haven’t told me the company they are recruiting for. I am sceptical, but I have nothing to lose having a Teams meeting with the recruiter. It sounds exciting but it’s a lot further away from my house, but will probably be a lot more money, that I am interested but I am concerned about seeing Phoenix. Though it would be much more flexible that my current job, so things might be a lot better. But let’s be honest, doesn’t matter where I work, this is on a downhill trajectory to ending badly sometime soon…

We talk on the phone mainly about my current job & possible new job. After the call we text about it a bit more & how scared I am, the new job they have said I can negotiate the job title, but what the fuck does that mean? It sounds like a general manager or operations manager role, so I will have to wait & see, she wants to meet with the business owner & have a coffee next week. & with that he just says go for the coffee & goodnight.

18 June 2025 – The next morning, I snap “Haven’t changed hey?? Been up for at least an hour, start working in 10 mins & haven’t messaged?? You are pulling away, I don’t care what you say… If you want me to end it, just say cos this emotional bullshit you put me through & you wonder why I act crazy…. I act crazy because you fucking change when something big is happening….” I hate that I say crazy because I am really not acting crazy at all, this is fucking awful & he just makes me feel unappreciated & insignificant every day but I keep thinking one day things will be better, especially after we talk on the phone, then he proves me wrong the next day. I don’t think we can get past this… “Good morning my sexy bitch! Omg stop getting crazy! I’m not doing it on purpose ! Wednesdays and Thursdays my wife is up early…. it’s the days I use to call you in the morning … Back when i had actual days off 😕 Stop acting crazy. Stop being a paranoid dickhead, i was getting my kids ready for osch this morning. It’s cute you miss me so much and want to talk to me so early though! Oi IBD4U, I love you 😛 Ill just keep being a ik chat app dude. Talking to myself. You got any cool hobbies ? What do you do for fun? Are you into kink? I love eating pussy and want to go down on you for hours. I like sex. I want to see you try on some sexy outfits infront of your big mirrors.” Oh another new excuse, his wife is up early on these two days now… Sure thing mate, you can mesaage lying in bed but not while she’s getting ready & distracted to not see what you’re doing on your phone… Okay! He says something about not messaging me as soon as he wakes up, I wish I was writing down times of his rants only two months ago, because they were always well before 5:00am. Now he doesn’t message me till after 11:00am… I say it’s obviously physically impossible to message, “But anyway, I know it’s hard for you to message, so I’ll just leave you be. You can message when you can, I understand you can’t message 24/7 & you message me all the time.” I use his line on him…

“Dont be like that … Part of the reason I did not message you was so I could Smash out my online shopping so I can see you tommorow ! Tommrow is the only day I can see you tommrow so I fucking hope you are in your normal office and not training or something. There is no big conspiracy theory or plan. I message you morning every day. Chat to you every day. When I’m not chatting to you I genuinely fucking miss you !!! I am trying my hardest honestly to make this work. I will take your feedback and feelings more on board and try and send you more Sneaky messages on weekends or Fridays. And try and make sure I message you first thing. I don’t wantt to keep upsetting you.” Smash out online shopping?? It doesn’t take that fucking long to do it… OMG his excuses are getting as good as when he told his wife he cut his dick with a box cutter at work… How did I know he would say that he could see me tomorrow, so Phoenix now has a plan in his head to see me tomorrow & I just have to be available or I won’t get to see him – but I’m not priviy to this information so I can’t organise anything. & also get a fucking grip, didn’t he tell me once that he was chatting to me when doing his online shopping & using that as an excuse to her?! “Say what ? I want to try harder for you IBD4U, honestly. I want to factor you when I can. I hate the current cycle. I fucking loved our day on Thursday. I don’t want that to end. There is no conspiracy theory, no physiological warfare or Big plan. I promise. Honestly I do fucking miss you all the time. My fucking highlight of the day is our daily phone call.” Well why couldn’t he just say shit like that make me feel appreciated & loved. But then he says the thing that makes me was to slap his face, “I am a legitimately busy person, being part time and being the main parent in charge of everything keeps me super fucking busy.” THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU START THIS IF YOU’RE SO BUSY… I didn’t ask for it, I was perfectly happy how it was… I never asked for more. I never pushed to see him or speak to him.  The only reason I do now is because he fucking sucked me in & call him my fucking boyfriend. Get fucked. There is something going on, he is pulling away even more because of how upset I get, but for me to get here, he had already pulled away, so I don’t know what the something is, I guess I will find out five months after it happens, like I did with his wedding or his open relationship.

We made it to 84 days in our snapstreak, I had restored it five times over the past few weeks & I say that it’s pretty good but I am not restoring it now. He says, “A little but how long could we keep it going epically getting cranky all the time haha. I honestly don’t think we should fuck on date days. As much as I loved have a sexy little school girl to rape and make me cum in under 2 minutes!” I am ok with not having sex, but one of the issues is that I haven’t seen him for a week & I don’t know when he is going to be able to see me again, the only way I know how to feel close to him is with sex… Is it wise to have these sexless dates? Let’s face it, we aren’t having many sex dates so how the fuck can we have an actual sexless date.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #48

June 2025 – School Girl of Hallett Cove

**Trigger warning for this post – consensual non-consent**

12 June 2025 – As I predicted, Phoenix doesn’t say hello to me in the morning, waiting till 8:10am when he’s dropped the kids off to say good morning & tell me he’s on way. I don’t know why he does this, when I know he’s been up for hours & tells me ALL the time that he ‘chat’s to me every chance he gets.’ I know we’re spending the day together – well won’t be the whole day, he won’t get here till after 9:00am & will need to leave around 1:00pm, but he could still message in the morning so I don’t think he’s bailing… Especially since he knows I am planning a scene today & would need time to get ready.

I have dressed carefully, but obviously not carefully enough because ten minutes before he is due to arrive from my guesstimate, I tug on the skirt to straighten it & the zip breaks – fucking shein. I am wearing a school skirt, shirt (if you can call it that, my tits are hanging out the bottom! But that is the look) & tie with knee high black boots. I have put heavy make up on my eyes, red lips, giant hoop earrings & I’ve put in my extra-long hair extensions for a school girl fantasy. I leave my glasses on, which I am not sure about but I think they give the young school girl look I am going for – but I don’t want to come across as school teacher. I wonder if I should put my hair in pigtails but I leave it down.

I had set up the scenario last night asking for help with my homework so he knows what I’ll be doing when he gets here but being he hasn’t text this morning, he probably doesn’t remember. We also have discussed this before. About playing the school girl character, & that this could be our ‘consensual non-consent’ scenario I say that I want to wait for the dance & thank him for waiting for me to be ready. I have set this up perfectly… And I am so excited about this scenario, I have to push my feelings aside…

For those who don’t know, I didn’t explain it last post, but consensual non-consent or CNC as it’s referred to, is the act of obviously Phoenix & I as consenting partners, playing a game of non-consent where one partner will resist the other partner in a non-consent / rape / assault type role play. It’s not for everyone, I get that. But it’s a bit like the intruder fantasy we had. Same thing. I have previously apologised to Phoenix, because I don’t think I am ever going to be able to ‘act’ by genuinely resisting him so he can overpower me & have me how he wants. Now this is all consensual & it’s not to disrespect anyone who has been sexually assaulted. This is more about the fantasy for us.

I look hot, I feel sexy & then I tug on the skirt to straighten it & as I said before, the fucking zip rips open with the zip still at the top – now I feel like an obese whale because I have just broken it open with my hips & a little tug but also because I can’t get it to move up or down, no matter what I do. I quickly get a pin & pin it but it looks a tad ridiculous. I guess I did buy from shein for just this occasion so it wasn’t that expensive. To be honest, he probably won’t even notice & if he does, he won’t say anything – he is usually pretty considerate in the moment. One time he surprised me in the morning & I had scar tape on my tummy scar, afterwards I was like fuck I have my scar tape still on & when I say something later, he just said ‘oh yeah I wondered what that was’ but in the moment, he didn’t say anything & make me feel awkward about it – he is good like that. I think he knows that it’ll kill the mood or make me self-conscious, maybe he doesn’t want to spoil the mood for himself either. I mean I have dressed up in a costume for him before but it’s not something I am comfortable with & I am not comfortable with my body, generally. Ironically, later when I try to pull on the zip, afterwards, it unzips perfectly & zips back up – of course, stupid fucking thing!

When he arrives at my house, I meet him at the door, leaning on the wall & I say instantly that my parents aren’t home & that I need help with my homework. I kiss him hello & tell him to come to my bedroom… I have my computer on the bed, with the pretence of doing homework & he kisses me, his hands going all over me, up my skirt & up my top however, I keep squatting his hands away (all with the idea that this is going to be a rape type scene). He pushes me on the bed & we are kissing but I keep the pretence of pushing his hands away, I start telling him to stop which spurs him on, which makes me say things like wait & don’t. I say stop more & more, which makes him rougher, holding me down a little & he pulls my panties down. I try my best not to make the noise we usually make when he enters me, the noise of sheer pleasure because this isn’t about letting him fuck me, I am supposed to be resisting, which is a lot harder than you think with someone you love & someone you want to fuck & that you’re trying to give a rape type fantasy too (consensually)!

I think my acting is fucking terrible, because all I want to say is ‘fuck me Phoenix, fuck me harder’ but I am supposed to be still pushing him off, which I am not successful but that’s also the point of this scenario. He cums really quickly, which pisses him off, but this was supposed to be a quick fuck. Of course I haven’t cum, so I push him down on his back & luckily, he stays hard once he’s cum, so I climb on top of him in my school girl costume & ride him so hard that I am cumming so fucking quickly myself. OMG, that was so fun… If that’s your thing, of course… We’re done fucking for now, considering he said we weren’t going to fuck at all today. Filled with his cum, we get up and get ready for phase two of what we have planned for our ‘whole’ day together.

I get changed quickly & am ready to go because he’s mentioned that his wife takes forever to get ready, needing to iron everything she wears before they leave the house. Then his daughter has long hair & he has to do it before they go so it takes them ages to get out the door. So I try to show how easy things are with me, firstly, I don’t own an iron at all, so I don’t iron anything & honestly, we aren’t going anywhere special that I don’t need to iron anything. I get dressed in my billabong leggings which have the word written in large letters up the leg & thin hooded active wear zip up jacket with a puffer type vest. I think I look very cute & simple for a walk at Hallett Cove. I leave my hair extensions in, which might be a mistake, but I want to look hot even though we are just going to a café & a walk along the boardwalk & I know that he loves the hair extensions & I want to make sure that I am looking the best I can for him.

I love being in the car with him & him driving, he doesn’t get it but whenever he asks whos car we should take, I think it’s because he doesn’t want to use his petrol, but I want him to drive because I love sitting in the passenger seat. We go out for lunch – which is basically Brunch as we get there around 10:00am, I have stupidly offered to pay because when we went to Hahndorf he paid & it was expensive. But it’s stupid because I have literally no money being it’s a Thursday, the before pay day. But I want to pay, just not when I have no money. However, I sort out my funds & I pay. We have a beach breakfast on a cool winter day where the sun is shining. Phoenix eats so fast so he is always done before me & as I am still chewing my last bite, he is jumping up & ready to go. I feel like this is funny, but I also reckon this would fuck me off if we ate together more often. Let me fucking sit a bit after I have finished eating too… I had given him two short acting ADHD drugs before we let my house, they should have kicked in by now, but clearly they aren’t doing anything because he’s rushing me to get going – so one might conclude that he doesn’t have ADHD?! I don’t say anything to him…

We start the walk along with Hallett Cove board walk. It says that it is 7.3kms one way & because of the terrain, it can take up to three hours to go one way, which we won’t have time to do the whole thing. As it is, we actually walk 1.5kms before we turn around & walk back. We walk & talk holding hands so easily, so casually, so comfortably. Because I said that I wanted to take photos of us together & he was okay with it, saying every time I’ve mentioned it that we should have done it… As we stand at a lookout & I pull out my phone, I tell him to come close that we’re taking a photo, that he puts his arm around me, & then he grabs my waist, pulling me in so tight that it takes me by surprise. He said he wanted a picture with me, but as a married man this is fucking stupid of him, but his tight grip on my waist makes me realise that he wants this picture too. He’s hugged me so many times, but this is a different sort of hug or touch, it’s firm & pulling me in close. We take one with the beach in the background but we are staring into the sun, him squinting & me with my sunnies on, that he makes us turn but it’s dark & the background is shit. I don’t want to make him take a million photos with me – knowing his wife apparently took photos with him to post in the hopes that I would see them, so I put my phone away, but they aren’t the best photos of us… I am dying to feel like I just felt – his arm so tight around my waist, what is that about. He’s obviously held me before, but not on the side like that, like he really wanted to be there & he really wanted that picture with me. It makes all the shit of the long weekend dissipate.

We walk some distance & back just like a real active couple. I like this activity because I don’t picture them going for a walk together… I don’t want to know if they do, I want to believe that he only does this with me… We get back to the car & I realise that we didn’t do any geocaching, but then I remember that there aren’t any on the boardwalk because it is a conservation park.  So, on the way home we stop a couple of times to hunt for some. I am so annoyed that I have done this a lot so I can sometimes sense where they are, so I always get them before Phoenix. It’s hard because I want him to see the geek side of me finding them but I want him to find some first too… But honestly, one of the funny things about geocaching with him is that he clearly doesn’t like to go in the bushes or pick them up out of the depths of a tree trunk because he might get something on his hands. After sex or fingering me, he always washes his hands, so I realise how much he doesn’t like stuff on his hands. But he talks about how much he likes geocaching though & when I suggest he should do it with his kids, he doesn’t say it really, but it’s like he wants this to be something he just does with me…

When we get home, he fucks me over the kitchen bench, I sit on the bench & he also fingers me, then he fucks me while I sit on the bench, it’s a bit high but if I slide right to the edge, it’s not a bad height for us to fuck like this. Before I have even gotten off the bench, he strips off & goes to have a shower. I don’t join him, but after the shower I notice he’s still wet & he’s getting dressed that I follow him with a towel to dry him off. He is only at my house about 30 minutes before he leaves & I notice that his little Gameboy is on my kitchen table. Did he mean to leave it?

I send him the pictures of us, & he tells me to use AI to edit the photos as we both agree that they aren’t that great… I spend some time trying to edit the photo because Phoenix eyes are closed but I actually find an app that is AI & will convert the picture to a moving picture like a GIF. I tell it to make us kiss & OMG it’s so cute. It turns our picture into a movie of us giving each other a kiss. It looks a bit dodgy but it’s cute & I love it. Phoenix thinks I’m an idiot probably but he laughs at them saying something about me loving the AI app – which is true! He says he’ll look at them with his AI app when he gets time because mine literally changes our faces completely, but fun fact – he never does!

I also ask about the Gameboy thing, asking if he meant to leave it behind, he went out to the car especially to get it & then left it behind. However, he tells me that I can have it for a while & I this is how I need to remember he loves me. He wants me to play with this toy, assuming his wife who is younger than both of us probably isn’t into commodore 64 games, probably doesn’t even know what the games are, so I like that this is something he involves me in, he likes that I am interested in his hobbies & leaving this device that isn’t an actual Gameboy behind is how I know we are connected beyond just superficial stuff… Though it also makes me sad because I know that we are a better match but because we have nothing together, as in we don’t have a house, kids, pets or a marriage certificate, I am the one that gets the raw end of the deal. He says goodbye for the afternoon, “I’m heading off line, I loved hanging with you today and love you.” OMG that’s the first time in I don’t know how long that he said it first & I try to not overthink that he didn’t say ‘I’, just ‘love you’ – maybe it means nothing to him, but it’s something to me…

Because I think that walks are something that he & his wife don’t do, I look for a walking trail of Geocaches that we could do, I send him a few suggestions of geocaches that are in a line or area where you can walk so we can do them on our next date. It’s free & I need to exercise so I think these dates are better than dinner & a movie. He says that he loves that I am planning our next date… Well I want them, maybe more than he does…

When he comes back online that evening, I ask him, “Do you want to know my favourite part of today? Which you’ll be like ‘weirdo’” He knows it’s going to be something lame, but I tell him, “Well when I took the photo of us – you grabbed my waist so tight… Then we changed to not be in the sun & you grabbed it again.” He is surprised that I love him grabbing me close, “Haha that is kinda cute. Why did you like that” which I tell him, “Cos it showed me that you actually wanted a photo, that you cared about me… Not just leaning in… You literally held me close.” I thought that he was just appeasing me but he says that he wanted the photo with me.

He says to me, “How sad am I that I’m really enjoying researching and putting this Pizza post together.” But I am playing on his Gameboy & playing Mission Impossible that I say who is sadder but he loves that I am playing with his Gameboy. He signs off again for the evening & I am awake thinking about our school girl fantasy, that I buy a police woman costume from shein & I plan to be dressed in it one day, asking if he was speeding, to which I’ll have to arrest him. I love these little fantasies & the best part about it too, is he will love it, not make me feel self conscious, he won’t laugh, but his eyes will pop out his head & he will love being my prisoner for a very sexy session. I cannot wait for it…

#IBD4U

Phoenix #47

June 2025 – Long Weekend

A long weekend in Adelaide, means a post everyday of the weekend, while I write about a long weekend!

05 June 2025 – He is up early & messaging me, “Getting my Switch 2 before I take the kids to school”, he’s at the shops near my house, at 6:30am for the release of a Switch – which I keep calling a Gameboy & he gets so huffy that it’s funny, it’s our little joke, not sure he loves that I keep calling all his mini devices Gameboys, but I think it’s funny. A little piece of me is sad that when he is so close to my house, that he didn’t leave a little extra time to come see me, he has taken today off to get this Gameboy & to play with it all day. He also tells me that he lost the ADHD drugs I gave him… Oh fuck. He says that he did washing when he got home & they weren’t in his pockets, so he’s probably dropped out his pocket in his car or something? But he says he’s looked in his car & can’t find them so they must have fallen out of his pocket.

I make a joke at 7:00am when he is in the line, “Well enjoy playing with your new game boy that you don’t need!“ But I don’t get a reply for three hours, saying “It is not a Game Boy! and you know it fuckhead :P” I get that he has taken the day off to play with this thing, but he forgets that we have very limited time to chat & he’s not chatted to me for three hours – so much for wanting to chat to me all the time… “Obviously more important than talking to me… So enjoy it! Hope it makes you cum…” But he replies straight away, “I am talking to you, but it does not make me cum like you do! I enjoyed having you bent the bed over ass in the air and in my face and tasting your cunt from behind 😛 I did have to run around this morning and take my kids to school because they missed the bus, the fuckers were both still in bed when I got home at 7.40!” Um… Didn’t he say he was taking them to school in his good morning message? So don’t make that an excuse now why you’ve not been able to chat at 10:00am! I take 45 minutes to reply to all his messages now, I am so sick of writing back quickly to now be second fiddle to a fucking Gameboy. “well they sent a text last night saying they were openning at 7, I knew I could squeeze it in before school, plus it gave me time to put things on to download and set it up while I dropped the kids at school and popped into the shops. You going to ring me today>” Interesting again he says that he was dropping them to school & was going to set it up while doing his errands… Yeah okay mate. Did they miss the bus or where you taking them to school or do you just want an excuse to push me away…?

We speak on the phone – I am not sure exactly what about but as soon as he hangs up he sends me a dick pic, so we obviously talking about something sexy. But then I tell him all about the testing I had done for the fertility tests. I explain that I would want the kid to be his & my chances are so slim anyway, but he seems surprised, “You would want it to from me? is my DNA that impressive to you?” I say that he is my boyfriend so I would want it to be his, but if I am honest, I have never had thoughts of kids or marriage with anyone else but Phoenix. He says that kids cost a lot of money & that he doesn’t want anymore – so perhaps he wouldn’t donate sperm, but then again, he wouldn’t have to pay for anything with mine. I don’t need anything from him, just his swimmers. He asks why I didn’t tell him or my sister about the testing, but I didn’t want to excite anyone when it turns out, it is basically an impossibility… “Understandable I guess. You always came across super I will never had kids haha.” it’s a bit hard to see kids in your life when the man you want them with casually marries someone else… But also its hard to picture kids in my life when you’ve been single forever, “I literally have been single 99% of my life. How could I even envisage that I would ever have kids?!”

06 June 2025 – It’s June long weekend, I am going away with my family this weekend, it’s been so long since I went away that I am excited but also sad that I won’t see Phoenix. He has been vague about his work & what his plans are this weekend so I have no idea if he is even working or not. I believe it’s her weekend off so assuming since he hasn’t said anything, he’s got the weekend off too & so I won’t hear from him. Or he will refuse to message me because I am with my family & he won’t want to interrupt. Phoenix has seen me on the Wednesday before the weekend but the distance is growing. It’s been growing for a while actually… I can feel it. I feel disconnected from him – we speak on the phone a lot now which is good but it’s always on his terms & when he’s free.

Recently on Friday’s – it’s like he has asked for the day off – because it’s her day off & hasn’t told me that he has done this, but it seems he’s had every Friday off in the last few months or so & then doesn’t talk to me much, then wonders why I’m pussy when I make the effort to see him Saturday’s for his lunch break. I am lucky if I get half a dozen messages & then of course, he ‘falls asleep’ & doesn’t bother to talk to me even for a minute before bed. So I shouldn’t be a surprised that he didn’t tell me it’s a pupil free day at school the Friday of the long weekend but luckily that he said something on the Thursday night, so I piece together that they all have the day off.

I message at 6:30am, I don’t get a reply till after 9:00am saying he slept in & just work up – aka ‘fucked my skinny wife this morning so didn’t think about you.’ He doesn’t message me again until 7:30pm asking how the long weekend is going, sends me a selfie in his oodie saying it’s cold & that they took the kids to Cleland National Park today & they loved it… It’s a really bad weekend for weather & our holiday isn’t going as planned, I have a cabin that we weren’t planning on using as much as we do, but there’s a bad storm & we’re saying near the beach so it’s windy & raining all weekend. So my family are in the cabin & we’re playing cards & drinking. I don’t want to say something bitchy & have a fight with him while I am with my family, so I choose not reply. He sends a good night message that simply says good night, nothing more around 11:00pm & I don’t reply.

I guess I am so upset being that he never fucking once told me he was going out with the kids & so he wouldn’t be online at all, he came on in the morning, said one thing about sleeping in then didn’t come back online until night expecting me to engage with him & just act like I’m not hurt & completely disregarded by him?

07 June 2025 – Times are important, if you’re wondering why I am suddenly talking about times he messages me – if you remember he was messaging me at 4:30am every day, he says that he’s working more now so therefore would be up at 4:30am more days than he was before, right? But now I don’t get messages until almost 8:00am today saying that he hopes I am having a good weekend away I mean I didn’t reply to his messages last night, so I’m actually surprised he messaged at all. I say that it’s cold & hopes he had a good day yesterday.

Samsung had done some update that changed where things were but there was a way to fix it, so I send him a couple of screenshots on how I fixed it. He says he doesn’t understand why they move things around all the time, I sent back the “🤷🏼‍♀️“ emoji at around 3:30pm & I don’t hear from him again.

So is this distance in my head? Or has he become complacent? Taking me for granted again? He says he hasn’t changed when I bring it up, but he’s pulled back & makes me feel like I am taking up his time – an obligation is something I have not wanted to be, now or ever but that is how I feel. I feel like he is obliged to see me, knowing now that I have all our conversations & download all the security footage saved, maybe he things that I am going to blackmail him…

08 June 2025 – He messages the next day around 7:00am saying “Good morning, hope you are having an okay time away with your family and stuff.” I respond round 8:00am & then he messages again around 1:00pm, “How’s the dogs going with a holiday haha? I miss our little lunch weekend catch ups…” So he’s at work & barely messaging me?! That hurts me even more than his logging off. I know that I am not giving him much, but how can I when Friday he just logged off & went out having a great day with his family while I wait around for a simple message… I say that he didn’t tell me he was working & he says that he’s working both days… Does he not remember that I told him I would try to come see him because I am not that far away… Whatever, he doesn’t give a fuck, so why should I…

I tell him how one of my dogs has a limp tail, which sometimes happens when they get stressed, when I’ve taken them away for work trips, he says he’s never heard of a dog getting a limp tail. He takes an hour to reply & at 5:00pm he days “Your dog’s sound like they have more medication that I have had in thr last 5 years.” I say “probably” about 30 minutes later & I don’t hear from him again.

09 June 2025 – He sends “Good morning for today” at 7:00am, I send back “Morning for today” at 8:00am & we don’t speak again. Yeah good one…!

10 June 2025 – I have this week off. At 5:15am, he messages “Morning, I’ve missed our daily phone calls, hopefully we can talk today!” Um, mate we could have talked all weekend, you literally stopped talking to me every fucking day, without a goodbye & opted not to ask if he could call me when he was on his breaks, which he could have called, I wasn’t with my family every second of the weekend…

He calls me, assuming when he is on his break & I am at the gym so I don’t answer. When I leave the gym around 10:15am, I tell him that I was at the gym & I go shopping, doing some errands, but I don’t hear from him until he calls me when he has finished work. I don’t think we really talk about the weekend because he tells me that he is coming to see me. Right now. He is on his way to my house. I am on holidays so I am home & he can see where I am on the snapchat maps, so he knows I am home. Yeah right, apparently I just need to be free for him.

I cook us lunch when he arrives, some Gozleme – a Turkish stuffed flatbread that you pan fry, they are delicious, so much so I cook both of them that I had bought only today. Basically they are a Turkish version of a Quesadilla. He enjoys them too, we stand in the kitchen kissing & hugging the whole time. I can’t remember the conversation as I didn’t write about our verbal conversations a lot but I’m sure we talked about the weekend & how I felt. Anytime I try to explain how I feel, he just say his excuse vomit of being busy & tired.

He goes out to his car & gets a fake Gameboy thing he has loaded all these Commodore 64 games on that I’ve been talking about; he shows me it & I think it’s cute but am not really sure why he’s showing me. But I like that he is & that he isn’t just talking about how geeky he is, he shows me that it has a touch screen & it basically looks like a Gameboy. I tell him that I should get one & get him to add all the games on it for me. He says that he would if I got one – or will this be like the downloading of the tv shows? He says he’ll do it but then when you ask he doesn’t want to do it?!  We have sex after just talking & cuddling in the kitchen for ages. Then he leaves, things seemingly better but still not great. We have planned to see each other for a day date on Thursday, so I am trying my hardest to hold out for a couple more days. We’re planning a brunch & a walk on the Hallett cove boardwalk. I can’t wait to feel a connection with him again & stop being a whingy girlfriend as he calls me now.

11 June 2025 – We don’t text a lot today, but when we chat on the phone, I am surprised that three & a half hours later, we hang up. What the fuck did we talk about for that long?! I tell him that he has changed when we get off the phone, he has been changing & pulling back, you can even see in this blog how different my posts are now, but he doesn’t think he has changed, he just says that he’s busy & can’t give me all the attention I want… I never asked for attention, I know he can’t talk to me all the time, I know he can’t see me all the time, what I look for is reassurance that I am in something real… That it’s not just a obligatory online friendship. That he actually still wants what he started.

We don’t talk about sex much on the phone, a fact that we are both proud of but because I have plans for tomorrow, I talk about sex with him tonight, he says that we aren’t going to have sex tomorrow & I say that we will, he keeps saying no, but with my plan, there is no way he is going to resist, even though he is saying he will. I say “Well, I need to ask a favour for tomorrow…” He of course asks what, “Before we go out to brunch & a walk… I have a bit of pesky homework to finish off… Will you help me with my maths homework? My mum & dad won’t be home.” & he asks if this is how I am going to get him to fuck me. I keep in character, knowing that tomorrow I am going to be in that school uniform when he gets here & he will not resist me, because I’ve said before that this will be our consensual non consent (CNC) scenario. “Can you help or not?? If I’m gonna ditch school, I just need to get this assignment done…” He says that he can help, I keep going, “I’m gonna tell mum & dad I’ll go to school so let me know when you’re coming over so I can tell you if the coast is clear. I’m not supposed to have boyfriends in my room.” He says that he’ll have to sneak in, I say “We have to be quiet. But you know I’m not ready, I want to wait till the senior dance when I’m all dressed up. So well just kiss & you can touch me over my clothes, is that OK?” He says that if he gets to touch me then we’ll be fine, I keep going “I’m so glad you understand & want our first time to be special… I can’t wait to finally do it with you. You’ve been such a good boyfriend to me.” He says that he can’t wait but I ask to wait to the senior dance so it can be special. When he just says we will see, I say, “Promise me we can wait till senior dance? Please?” & he replies, “Okay maybe. We will see. I’m going to bed. Night x” I don’t reply, what a fucking dickhead.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #46

June 2025 – I want a baby!

02 June 2025 – Sometime in December 2024, probably before that if I am really honest with myself, something inside me flicked. I want a baby! I ignored it for weeks, months actually, because this is not really possible for me, not only did I get a tubal ligation about five or six years ago, I also miss one very important ingredient to do IVF.

I push the feeling aside.

In January 2025, the feeling gets stronger & I ask my sister who she went to for her IVF when she had her kids, she asks why & I lie to her saying someone at work wanted to know, but I can’t tell anyone that this is what I am thinking of until I know it’s a possibility.

Finally in February 2025, the feelings won’t go away, that I mention to my GP – who was the one who had referred me to the gynaecologist who did the tubal ligation, he is so excited, more than I thought anyone would be. I tell him that I’ve been thinking about this for months, thinking it would just go away & be something I have hyper fixated on, but it hasn’t. He suggests that I see a fertility doctor & just get some tests done. He refers me to the same place my sister went, but to another doctor. My appointment isn’t for another three months, during this time, I go back & forth on if this is the right thing for me, if I can afford it. I hate my job so if I do this, I will be stuck in this role forever basically. I literally don’t know what I want, I am much better with snap decisions.

The problem is that now that Phoenix has started A3V2.0, I can’t think of anything I want more than to have his baby. Would he donate his sperm to me for IVF? Can I ever tell him? But my issue is now that if I do this, I want it to be his. It can’t be anyone else’s. No matter if he’ll be in our lives or not, (Our?! WTF!!) no matter if he wants to be on the birth certificate or not. If I go through with this, but it has to be his.

I have the initial appointment with the fertility specialist in May who then books me in for a bunch of tests. They have to be done on day two of your period so I have to wait another two weeks, then two weeks later to see the doctor again. I want this to get moving, I am closer to my 44th birthday than I would have liked & if I do this, I don’t want to wait any longer. Oddly after the internal ultrasound things are weird with my body & my period goes on longer than usual being that it’s like clockwork & I can feel my ovaries & uterus all month long, needing pain meds almost every day. What the fuck is wrong with me? I also have struggled to cum with Phoenix – is this because she literally poked my ovaries with the internal ultra sound stick, making sure they weren’t attached to anything (I mean I hope they are attached!). So two weeks later I get the results – I still haven’t told anyone at all what I am doing, my GP & this Dr are the only ones who know what I am doing. I haven’t told my sister, I haven’t told Phoenix. I want to know if this is possible first.

Stupidly I have told the fertility Dr that I have a partner so I’d want the sperm to be his & she says that getting donor sperm is harder if I am in a relationship. FUCK. She mentions that my partner will need to get tests & stuff too, which I wasn’t thinking about when I mentioned him, but I was hoping that I could jerk Phoenix off into a cup & just take his sperm to be used. I think he’d be ok with that – maybe, but he definitely won’t be ok with going to get tests done. He won’t want this enough to do that for me.

I want this though, I want it more than anything, however I also can’t imagine my life with a kid, I am always living pay cheque to pay cheque, I am always spending way too much. I could always sell my investment property & make a pretty penny, but that’s for my future, not for now. Not for a non-existent kid. I do wonder that if I hadn’t had been so adamant about not wanting kids to Phoenix, would things be different?!

But it turns out, I am glad I didn’t bother telling anyone because all the signs point to a 2-3% chance of a live birth with my age & my follicles. But to top it off I find out that I have Adenomyosis. The easiest way to describe this, is reverse endometriosis – Endometriosis is more familiar to people – is a condition in which tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus, where as Adenomyosis is a condition where the tissue lining the uterus grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. So interestingly, this is a reason why I don’t like big dicks & say they hurt – because with this condition, sex can be painful. However, this will affect an embryo attaching to my uterus & would likely result in a miscarriage, especially at my age. I know that is a risk no matter what, but this increases the risk significantly & I don’t know if I can put myself through that, financially & emotionally… Also I think that getting one sperm sample from Phoenix would be tricky but I would never get two!

I also now recall that Phoenix has said multiple times – before I even mentioned to him, that I had appointments with the fertility clinic that I was smart not to have kids & that he doesn’t want any more. So I guess that asking for his sperm donation if the testing did go well, would be off the cards. Well that is that. No #IBD4U heir in my future that’s 100% for sure. So I never needed to think about it anyway.

I tell Phoenix, way after it’s all over & all hopes are dashed – I am not sure why. He brings it up a few times, saying I always said I didn’t want kids. & he’s right, I said it but deep down I always thought I would get a partner & I would have kids in my baby making years. I never thought that I would still be single at almost 44 years old, almost desperate for a kid. As much as I said it in this blog that I didn’t want a kid, I did think that before I had my tubes tied that I would have one but I never met someone to have one with. Then when Phoenix married his wife, I figured that there was no one else I wanted to have kids with anyway so that was it for me. He was the only one I saw myself having kids with. I don’t regret anything, my life took the path it took, there isn’t much I can do now besides look towards my next venture, a overseas holiday perhaps. Another property maybe. Definitely a new job. I guess things happen for a reason… So with that revelation, I can’t remember when I actually tell him about the baby thoughts but it’s after I have no real choice anyway… I mean if I had unlimited money & his sperm I would do IVF, but there is no point wasting money I don’t have for a pipe dream.

Today we talk on the phone & sporadically text through out the day. He shows me the a picture of the fruit plate he makes his kids when they get home from work, I love seeing him be a dad. He sends me pictures of his pizzas he made, just general shit that he hasn’t done for a while… I know it’s a Monday night so she’s at work, but you can’t tell me that when she’s home & he’s cooking, that she’s cooking with him like a couple so he could be doing this other days? He’s also recently bought some ice cream maker thing, so he shows me all the stuff he has bought for it, syrups, toppings & things, it’s the first time in a long time that he is sharing so many pictures.

I send him a video of me playing another game I found on the link he sent me when we were talking about Donald Duck, it’s called Mission Impossible & then he starts sending me pictures of old commodore 64 boxes & consoles, saying he’s a sad fucker with his old school joysticks. I never think that he is sad, I think it’s fucking adorable & I love that I have something to talk to him about while I play these old school games. I find a few other games, Burger Time was another one & I tell him that I am not as cool as he through I was but he says I am cooler than him… Maybe I am but he isn’t as geeky as he thinks he is.

03 June 2025 – Today I am working at Victor Harbor which is closer to his house than my usual office, but he is working all day so can’t come see me. He calls me but I miss it because it doesn’t ring on my phone or watch like usual, so we don’t get his full break to chat, we only get eight minutes, which makes me sad. But he says that we talk all the time. But I think he forgets that if this was a conventional relationship, we would see each other face to face everyday or at least most days, hell we’d be living together at this point, so the fact that I want him to talk to me & see me shouldn’t be that much of a shock.

He asks if I am still working from home tomorrow & I am, so he says that he’ll see me tomorrow but he might come back online to go his grocery shopping – he has told me that he rarely using his phone around her, opting for his Gameboy things or his PC. But didn’t think he needed an excuse to use it around her, particularly since he says he is now a social media influencer, wouldn’t you use your phone more?! It surprises me still, how under the thumb this man is, especially with how he treats me, how he lets her rule his life.

He does come back online & as we’re talking, I say, “I never realised sometimes how much influence I have on you…” He asks what I mean, “I said I like your hair spikey, you kept it longer & spike it… I said I like you in those jeans & you wore them on a date despite you wanting to wear shorts… I said something about the name of your page & you changed it…” It’s hard when you’re in it to see these things but when reading back you notice that these are things that show me how much he wants to please me… He tries to pretend that he always does his hair spikey & that I have no influence over him, so I ask “So what about the jeans then?? You just wear them when you prefer to wear shorts just cos? Or cos your girlfriend said how hot she found them & you wanted her to say it again??” to which he replies “Maybe cos she found me hot 😐”  We talk about Hahndorf & when I took off my panties & he asks how I even came up with it, “Well in 50 shades of grey he makes her take her panties off at the dinner table in a restaurant & he puts them in his pocket & I was like, hmmm… I’ll go to the bathroom & give them too you when I get back, but I just did it in the car…. 🤷🏼‍♀️” & I add, “I wanted you to have them in your pocket… I want going to put in my bag & I thought, nope he can have them & every time he feels in his pocket for something, he’ll feel my panties….” It’s a reminder how sexy I am for him & even if I am not as skinny as his wife, this is what he needs me for. But I opt for a more lovey Dovey response, I find a meme that I send to him, which is todays heart, it’s after he is gone for the night, but maybe I need to be more vulnerable with him so he knows I am all in this…

04 June 2025 – I found another meme that I send him ‘Love how women set secret deadlines for men, like ‘if he doesn’t reply by 10pm. I’m done’ meanwhile he’s completely unaware that he’s got two hours left on his sentence.’ I add that “You don’t really ever stand a chance against my secret deadlines for you…” He says that he is just normal, but one thing that bothers me, is that this man knows me so well, knows every inch of my body, knows how to read the sex cues I give him. He used to pick up via text when I was down & feeling shit, but pretty much as each affair came to the end, he stopped noticing or stopped caring… Is that’s what’s happening here?!

He comes over around lunch time after work, it’s a sex date because we don’t really have sexless dates anymore – did we ever really have them at all? They only happen when I go to his work for his break, he hasn’t been to my work since the 12 May 2026, almost a month ago… We have hot sex, I am naked & he pushes me on the bed face first, I sort of bring my knees up so I am exposing my cunt to him to fuck me on the edge of the bed, but instead he goes down on me, giving me a very sexy orgasm, I think that he is going to rim me, being my ass is right in his face, I don’t know if he chickens out or if’s it not something that he wants to do, being he had a perfect opportunity to do it & didn’t… We fuck & he cums on me, then we lay there talking, something we don’t really do much anymore either… Maybe we do it more than before V2.0 but it definitely feels like our sex is back to how it was, still with feeling but I am feeling much more disconnected from him…

I am so intrigued about if he actually has ADHD or not – he recently started using it as an excuse for everything, particularly since I was diagnosed with it, so I pack up a little packet of my ADHD drugs for him to take with him in a little clear bag. I say to take them in the morning just in case they do have some sort of effect on him, such as keeping him up at night, usually they should calm you if you need them but if you don’t, they’re basically an upper. I give him a couple of short acting & one long acting – I will be very interested to see how he feels on them when he takes them.

He says after he leaves, “We can still have hot sex and you still cum 😛” Which I am thankful that I am not broken, I had said to him face to face about the ultra sound – which I wasn’t planning on telling him about, but somehow I can’t help it, I want him to know everything abut what is happening in my life. He doesn’t reply to my 4:30pm message until after 900pm. But I didn’t wait up to speak to him, I have been exhausted & I fall asleep without saying good night, but he never said at 4:30pm that he was going for the afternoon… I just can’t keep having the same conversation. I am really over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I just can’t!

#IBD4U

Phoenix #45

May & June 2025 – Breakfast

31 May 2025 – No good morning, no messages, he just rocks up at my house at 6:00am & gets into bed with me. Honestly, I love he has a key, but it makes me regret giving it to him… We kiss & hug, we fuck but again, I struggle to cum & need to use a vibrator to cum… I am not sure what this is about & why I’ve struggle the last two times with Phoenix, when I have never really struggled before… But I think about other couples, to have sex a women generally needs an emotional connection, for men to give anything emotional, they need sex so I theorise that it’s why a lot of women say no to sex with their partner because he’ll want sex to feel close to her when he is being a dick & she needs that emotional connections prior to just having sex. The last five years when Phoenix was Marvel (& lets face it, acting like Marvel now!) we didn’t have the emotional connection – I mean we did, but we didn’t verbalise it. As I am basically a man & for me to feel close to Phoenix & know he loves me or even likes me, is for us to have sex. But this time around it’s very emotionally connected that now I am not getting the connection; I am struggling to cum with him?! Does that make sense or am I babbling?!

But he proves my theory, because by 7:15am, he is gone… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… He has told me when he started this version of the affair, that he set his kids up to be self sufficient to leave them home alone, in fact when they are both at work on the weekend for a full eight hours plus travel they are home alone & he orders them uber eats, but when he’s organised a smidge of time with me, he has to get home to the kids – after less than two hours! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to take time away from his kids, but it’s not like he really does anything with them anyway? They don’t play sport or do dance, they play video games or watch YouTube, he’s taken them to the park & the beach before & sent me pictures so I’m not saying that they don’t do anything with the kids, I am just saying that at 7:15am, they probably aren’t even up & all he has to do today is his grocery shopping… But somehow when spinning me so much bullshit about wanting to see me as much as he can & wants sexless dates, he’s not really doing a good job of proving that to me…

He does offer up a café lunch tomorrow, I say that I don’t want to take time away from the kids & he has the podcast also to record & other shit to do, but he says “I always have shit to do. Some of that shit is you though. The podcast is in the morning.” Honestly the conversation gets confusing because he’s saying tomorrow will be better but then that’s the whole day away from the kids & he says that nothing is open today – which they are, every café is open for breakfast… We end up picking a place for today, close to him so he isn’t far away. I still don’t understand why he had to rush off this morning after an hour, if he’s meeting me now – I just don’t understand him sometimes.

We get to the café, parking near each other & we walk hand in hand before finding a seat & sitting down. I don’t know if it’s my vibe or his, but I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be there. I try hard to just push that out of my mind & I order & pay for his breakfast to repay him for Hahndorf when he paid for lunch. I have worn a low cut top so I open my jacket to try to elicit something from him but honestly, it feels forced & even when I try to touch him it just feels like he doesn’t want to be there. The second I finish eating, because of course he finished long before me, he jumps up ready to go. I am deflated again & get up to walk with him, he does walk a different, longer way back to our cars, holding my hand. We kiss at the cars before he says he has to go.

Later that day we are chatting & I noticed a photo we’d both sent each other which were around the same time, early 2000’s & we were in the same rotunda at a park. He confirms that he was at a wedding for his dad’s side & I say that I was at my parent’s wedding renewal & it surprising that we took so long to meet being we were in the same area, he dated someone I worked with, we like the same music & we were seemingly in the same places a lot… It’s like the universe wants us to be together – though someone said to me, or is it the universe telling you that you shouldn’t meet because it puts you in the same places but you never actually meet… Hmmm, interesting!

I tell him that the night I was at this rotunda was the night I got together with Boyfriend, & how we were officially together was him telling people at a NYE party that I was his girlfriend… Phoenix asks if we were discussed if beforehand, which we didn’t so Phoenix thinks that is odd, I mean I know no different, so is it odd? I reply “Hahaha, you’re the only one I’ve ever discussed it with & had the “do you want to be my boyfriend” question…” Which he has to believe because he knows I have been single basically my whole life. I say it’s probably why I’m not a good girlfriend but he says I’m not as bad I think I am, to which I reply, “Besides you tell me I’m a typical grumpy girlfriend all the time.” I don’t want to be grumpy or have him call me grumpy, I know I get moody but most of the time its because I miss him & he’s not giving me any reassurance. “well you have become one now 😛 its annoying sometimes. maybe your work life is affecting your overal moods though who knows.” No Phoenix, maybe it’s you changing the game & then pulling away leaving me confused?!

I explain that it’s the way he’s been talking to me & that he didn’t really touch me at breakfast, I say that I tried to hard to feel some reassurance from him but I just ended up giving up trying to feel anything, he says that he held my hand & kissed me while walking, “I have not backed up, just legit busy, I do work part time, full time parent basically, and work in social media. but I am trying my best to fit you in. and my part time hours have picked up since the other store shut down too. I only worked 3 days a week for the last year until tthe last few months…. and didn’t give a fuck because I could just post shit to fb and earn money and work on side projects. now sometimes I get one or two days off a week like a full time fucking worker.” I work full time with a longer commute & had a side hustle, I do all the cooking, cleaning & gardening, so don’t give me that shit since you were doing all of that before, he has definitely backed off. I say that maybe I should write a blog about it, because then he understands how I feel, “I understand how you feel….but I can’t give you everything. I made that clear from the start.” No he did fucking not make it clear from the start! In fact he said he is committed to this, to putting in effort, & he did, until he got me hooked, maybe he thinks he is putting in effort & look, I agree that he is compared to the last five years, but it has certainly dropped off since he commenced this less that three months ago!

He is definitely different from when he started this A3V2.0 “I don’t think I talk to you any differen’t… I also talk almost daily on the phone to you…. I did try and take your feedback and let you know if I’m going. or if I thoought I would not be able to stay up to risk you not looking like an idiot…. but all that did was annoy you too haha!  and I really do fall fucking asleep with minutes often before 10pm….. sometimes 9pm. I fucking hate it, I hate wasting time sleeping, but my body just caves in. I want to stay up and talk to you I simply just can’t sometimes.” I say that he should go to bed & to forget I said anything “argh I don’t know what to do. Clearly you want more from me. I can’t just forget things.” I never asked for more of him, he offered that up, willingly, now he’s changing the game again. He’s missing what I am saying… I just say go to bed, he says “Well I will go to bed now. and think about it. and worry about it. and think of yo. so Goodnight IBD4U x” But it won’t effect him like it does me… I say goodnight & that I’ll just be annoying, he says “haha you are allowed to be annoying. I’ll think about you as I fall asleep!” Oh am I? Because I’m now feeling like I can’t actually express my feelings…. The interesting thing is, that’s no a surprise, is that he says he’ thinks about it, worry’s about it, but he never changes or gives me any reassurance.

01 June 2025 – He records the podcast with the chick this morning & says that she didn’t really do any research & he says it felt lame. I mean I can understand why, having tried to so one myself, it can feel very forced, it needs some structure or a good dynamic like breakfast radio.  I thought she was super keen to do this podcast? “I know she’s put money into it , messages me every 2nd day when I ignore her haha, but rhen we organise a day , with like 4 days notice she does no preparation and I do it all haha.”

He randomly calls me, having sent the kids outside to play on the trampoline while he cooks dinner, so we talk for a while. Which definitely helps me feel more connected but it’s just a short time where I feel connected. I know he then texts me after we chat on the phone, so he thinks it’s enough but I am only in love with one person, I only want to speak to him & see him. Maybe it’s because he’s got someone else to talk to as well that he doesn’t see that he is not putting in as much effort as he did at the start?

We talk about sex, I guess we always get onto this topic because I know that he will engage in this conversation, I won’t get grumpy because he’s said something awful or logged off, he says that he does find me incredibly sexy even if I don’t cum, but I say that I hope that next time I don’t get a hatrick & I cum with him. His suggestion is insulting, “Maybe you don’t find me attractive anymore ?” I find him so sexy, so hot, such a turn on & I get wet, so drippy wet, wouldn’t I be dry if I didn’t find him attractive?! At the time, I thought it was vitamin B complex, which I had run out of & just started taking again, but now looking back as I review these posts I wrote, I am wondering if it was the connection fading with him that made me lose my orgasms. I’m reminded of Samantha Jones in Sex & the City when she loses her orgasms because she can’t cry… https://www.instagram.com/reels/C5u1k5GvmNU/

I feel like I am at risk of losing him because of my moods or he’s going to hurt me so badly again, but I never want him to think that I don’t find him attractive, “Phoenix, I want you to know, before you go offline, that I genuinely find you so sexy & I am so turned on by you, I find you so hot…. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t think you’re the hottest man ever – despite what you think… I love your body, I love the way you make me feel…. I love you.”  & all he says is that he loves me too.

Later, we talk about the breakfast, I felt like he didn’t want to be there & now reading back I realise that he wanted lunch today instead of breakfast yesterday, but he was the one that said fuck it lets do it. I mean I was expecting him to stay after he fucked me & go to breakfast from my house, not rush off after an hour. “You called me beautiful yesterday… And said I was sexy…” Which did turn me on, “Yet you still whined I didn’t touch you enough at breakfast.” Because touching me while having sexy & saying nice things isn’t the same as when you’re out for breakfast. “We had sex in the morning… held hands the entire walk… made out before we went out ways … and you Whinge we didn’t touch during the actual breakfast.” But a month ago, when we sat too far apart, he moved to sit closer to me, to touch me, to rest his head on my head & kiss me… He gae me the reassurance I needed, to let my guard down, “Wasn’t intentional… you are just over thinking things.” Maybe I am or is he just gaslighting me?! We were at the café for 40 minutes, he says that’s a lot of time, but I spent more time driving there than I did with him. “I thought you didn’t want to take me away from my kids too long ? I thought it was worth it and loved having breakfast with you ? I’m glad we had a little breakfast date and loved seeing you. Fuck me you are frustrating 😕 You spent the same amount of time driving as the date … I’m sorry if you felt like seeing me was a waste of time..” I didn’t feel like it was a waste of time & I don’t want to take away from his kids, then he says “I didn’t wanted tto be there and see you.” Oh fuck… He is being so honest now & fuck that really hurts that he didn’t want to be there… Why didn’t he just say he couldn’t come?! Why didn’t he just push for the lunch today instead… Fuck, now I feel like even more of a dick for pushing to go & also now for saying anything about the date after the fact. I should have just kept my mouth shut… FUCK…. This hurts so bad… He didn’t want to be there… FUCK.

“I have badly estimated how much you love our dates ! The dates were My idea don’t forget! I was scared to ask you for the first one in fear of rejection that you wanted to spend a day fucking me instead!!! At what point during our walk did I make you feel I didn’t want to be there or touch you ? You forget i have adhd … I can’t sit there forever at a Cafe and just chill too for too long .. I want to get up and do something even if it’s just a walk or something. I’m not one to sit still for long peroids … I’m that bad..”  I am crestfallen, I feel like a twat, “I didn’t want to date because I knew it wouldn’t be able to last & we were built on sex. I’m sorry I made a big deal about breakfast once I’d already seen you. I didn’t realise you didn’t want to go.” I put my phone down feeling like the worlds biggest fuckwit! He didn’t want to be there & I fucking pushed it. “You out of all people should understand how my brain works in a setting of just chilling at a Cafe 😛. I’m not joking when I swear I have adhd … Or just following the social media / doctor trend. Anyway I’m going to head off line , and because I’ve got early start I might no come back online. Do not miss me too much 😛. Chat later xox.” I don’t reply or read it until I start getting messages later on that night, he replies to his message that said ‘I didn’t wanted tto be there and see you’ which says “ Shit, This is a typo! I did want to be there and see you ! Fucks sake !!! Omg  fuckkkkk. I love going on dates with you IBD4U!!!”

When my family leaves, I tell him that I don’t want to make him anything he doesn’t want too & that I’ll let you organise what we do, in future. “I fucked that up. That was a typo!! I swear  I wanted to be there with you …” But I tell him not to worry about it & he says that he does worry & I mean I do too, I don’t want to be an obligation, on top of his busy schedule. “You are not an obligation. I want to see you and make time for you.” His words say he does, but his actions are saying he doesn’t.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #44

May 2025 – Change of plans

26 May 2025 – Monday, a risky day (all of a sudden, wasn’t risky before) for Phoenix, but without a discussion, Phoenix asks if I am home & if he can come see me, which he does. I love the surprise visit & he hug for a long time before going into my room to have sex. The sex is good, I am turned on but I literally am never going to cum today. Is it because of my mood? Is it just that sometimes women don’t cum? I’ve never not cum with Phoenix, ever… In eight years… & most times it would be more than once, so not being able to cum today is weird… I grab a vibrator out of the draw & cum while riding him.

He doesn’t rush off after sex, so I offer to make us lunch, which I make bacon & egg McMuffins where I toast the muffins. Literally 15 minutes after finishing eating, he leaves. As he leaves, he says, don’t miss me too much, so I send him a message, “I may be irrational, but at least I’m aware I’m being irrational! That should count for something?? 😝 I don’t mean to get upset cos I miss you… 🥹 I hate that I miss you… And I stupidly feel like you don’t care.” I hate that I am so needy, he set the precedence that he wanted to be in my life & now he’s making me feel like he doesn’t want to be, “I do miss you… but I don’t stress over little things, I do care however.” He doesn’t need to stress because I am always available! He’s never had to wait for me, “I don’t stress about it, I just get upset… Then grumpy… Also my way of feeling close to you is to have sex – so when we don’t, I just automatically think you don’t care about me….” He says that he does care. Well, he’s got a funny way of showing it…

I ask a question, that I do want to know the answer too, “Question – what’s one thing I do, not sexual, that you really love?” He says when I make him food, but I say that’s boring, so he asks me the same question, “Probably something just as boring, but I like you taking me on dates & driving…” But he is surprised “Wait you like going for the drives and the driving parts?” Yeah of course I do… He says he forgets that I haven’t had much of that.

FUCK, it hits me, something he said today & I finally catch up to what he meant “Ah, I just clicked… You said today that 3 months ago your wife was fucked on wegovy & so that’s why you had more time… Now she’s not, you ‘fall asleep’ every night… I’m such a fucktard.” I’m so fucking stupid, they’re having sex every night now so even though he said he didn’t want to say goodbye when I finish work at 4:00pm, he has been because he’s fucking her. She’s skinnier than me, she probably has reverted to the boring sex they had before me but nonetheless she is fucking him… “Huh? I’ve always fell asleep most nights, just after her. But lately before her. I was struggling to talk to you those nights 3 months ago.. but worked less so some nights easier.” Fuck it’s pumpkin o’clock, why did I bring this up now… He says, “I legitimately have been falling asleep by 9pm lately. The constant 6am starts take their toll, especially when I’m working long days in a stretch. I have not been talking shit IBD4U, I have legitimately been struggling to stay up 😐” I tell him that I should let him go, but he keeps going “I’m asleep by 10 most nights, and was asleep before 10 before I started chatting to you. I was only working 3 days a week 3 months ago … And had massive breaks between shifts. I work 2 weekdays and 1 weekend day. But yeah working like 5 days kills me sleep wise. I start to struggle by the 3rd day. Seriously it is that fucking bad. I hate it. Sleeping is a waste of time.” I leave the revelation alone, I don’t push it because I don’t want to be pissed off before I go to sleep tonight.

27 May 2025 – After he finishes work, we talk on the phone, today he is recording the first podcast with the chick in Sydney. Ironically being they have no episodes yet nor have they worked out their dynamic with a few test episodes, but they are interviewing an 80’s music icon… How did she get an interview for free with someone without a established podcast? Anyway I am proud of him with a smidge of jealously, he’s written some questions & sent them to her ready for the recording. When he has finishes he just says it went well. So I have to probe him – you know what, side note, a month ago he wouldn’t shut up about the podcast & sent me all sorts of messages about it without me prompting, now it’s like getting blood from a stone from him about it – in fact when I think about it, unless I talk about sex, the text conversation is strained. Anyway I ask more questions & he says that he doesn’t think they have natural dynamic together & she asked all his questions because she did no preparation, but they organised to record another one this weekend.

The Handmaid’s tale finishes tonight, he’s downloaded it & added it to his plex & I tell him that he can download me another show called ‘Tabatha’s Salon Takeover’ & I also ask another time for ‘And Just Like That’ season three. A month or so ago when he gave me his plex account log in, he basically begged me to ask him for shows to download for me, but everything I’ve asked for seems like a chore now, he sends me a link to a playlist of Tabatha’s salon makeover that someone has created on YouTube – he says he did look but couldn’t find it to download. Why did he ask me so much to tell him if I wanted him to download something for me if he doesn’t really want to do it… It’s not like it’s incredibly hard, I probably would be able to do it myself, but I like that he wants to do it for me.

We’re talking about sex, which is usually what keeps him around chatting to me, but he says goodnight & I write back good night & something sweet. As I wait & wait for him to at least read what I wrote, I get more & more annoyed & so I delete the sweet message – so I don’t know what it said, I’m assuming I love you or something. I send, “Jesus, you fall asleep that quick, you can’t even read my goodnight message… Yeah rightio.” & I sit here wondering how many times can I go through this?!

28 May 2025 – I don’t want to respond to his messages in the morning. But when I do I see that he’s sent a couple across the morning, “Oh I do fall asleep that quick!! You have no idea. I’m asleep in minutes! Good morning beautiful 😛 I swear I read goodnight tho last night.” But he 100% didn’t look at my messages, & so I say that I am not going to bother anymore, I don’t even know why I have been bothering, I’m so hurt that even him calling me beautiful doesn’t make me melt, like usual. “I read your goodnight message … Not sure why it didn’t show read… I 100% saw it… And you don’t believe me of course …” I just say a snippy “I’m really busy.” & he says okay, leaving me alone.

When I am silent for a while, assuming I won’t hear from him because of course, you all know that he has to be the most stubborn one, so I am surprised when he sends “I just want to give your sassy gf mood ass a hug 😛” Still being snappy, I say “Just saying what you say to me & how you treat me…🤷🏼‍♀️” He doesn’t think he has been doing anything wrong, “Oops. I do try and treat you better than before… You are allowed to be busy too!” Oh thanks Phoenix for giving me permission to be busy! But he did treat me better, but now he has regressed back to acting like Marvel.

However, I call him on my way home from work because an electrician (not the one I fucked) is coming over to change some power points over in my kitchen with the whole dishwasher debacle. So when the electricians are doing their work, Phoenix & I call again which puts me in a better mood but he also texts tonight, not really giving me much as I rant about work… He forgets he’s my person to vent too so when he doesn’t talk to me, I just think that I have to talk about sex to keep him interested. He says at one point, “yeah you go full woman mood swing mode these days.” I agree that he is now more than a FWB so that’s why he probably feels that way. But I am only reacting to his treatment of me. As he says good night, he sends me two GIFS that say ‘thinking of you’ & ‘love you good night’ but I say that I am not saying good night anymore so I just say “GN ABC” No kisses or hugs & I don’t read his last message.

29 May 2025 – I have a fucking weird dream this morning about huntsman at my parents’ house following me to the toilet – I never would have remembered that if we didn’t talk about it. Hahaha but that leads us to talk about my dreams of him, “You literally infiltrate all my thoughts… Asleep or awake. I hate how much I think about you… And how much I plan my life to see you & what we’ll do & then you just throw all those plans away…” I know he’ll say that I don’t need to plan around him, but I fucking have too or we wouldn’t see each other. I have started making my clients on Saturday to start after 11:00am so I can see him for his breaks, I put fake meetings in my diary at work so I can talk to him on the phone or see him for lunch (not that he’s been to my work in ages). Today I am in training, so I get a few messages from him but don’t get to reply, “I do appreciate that you plan some of your life around me … You must really dig me 😛” I don’t think he realises the extent of what I do. I’ve missed the gym for him, for example because he doesn’t tell me his plans & just rocks up at my house, he wouldn’t fucking miss a minute of sleep for me, so there is no way he is missing anything or changing his plans for me. That’s not his fault, I take full responsibility for my idiocies but like I said before, we wouldn’t see or speak to each other as much (or as little) as we do if it wasn’t for me changing my plans & schedule all the time. Like tomorrow, it’s Friday so that means no phone call because he’ll finish work at 12:00pm & only has a five-minute drive home, because god forbid he is 15 or 20 minutes later. I suggest that he just tells her that he finishes at 12:30pm, so he has the time to call me after work when it’s convenient for me but of course, why would he do that? No it’s all good, IBD4U will make a fake meeting at work, so he can call me on his break around 9:00am! Yeah no worries… Fuck Fish.

We talk a little bit about the shit meetings I have just had to do with some employees that I am not okay with, but having been fired from the last three  jobs I’ve had, I’ve lost my confidence, paired with sending out some resume recently & getting back a bunch of no’s, not even getting a call… It’s fairly early when he says, “Anyway I’m heading off line. Hopefully chat later? Cya x.” But we don’t chat later, because he doesn’t come back online.

30 May 2025 – He picks up the conversation where I had said I got home late, I hate that it’s Friday & he won’t be able to speak to me at lunch, so I say that I have made a meeting around 9:00am & booked a room to chat to him on his break in the morning. But he doesn’t tell me until he’s 15 minutes into his break so we only talk for 15 minutes.  He says, “I didn’t know i was getting a special meeting room! I got a special meeting with the hr chick!” but I fucking told him yesterday that I would make myself available to make sure we got our phone call…

He goes out somewhere later that afternoon & he calls me – I think it was to get a gas bottle, so not a long call. But when he finishes his errand, he then calls me again on his way home. Which I am thankful & appreciative of the two additional calls today knowing he couldn’t really text with me on a Friday.

I tell him again, that he can download the sex & the city revival (which isn’t great but I have to watch it being I have seen it all!) for me when he is bored, it was released today & he says “well I am never bored, just saying hi haha.” Are you kidding?! Doesn’t he say all the time that he chats online to people when he is bored on his days off?! & wasn’t this something he want to do for me? He says it takes days to be uploaded usually, also again is he kidding?! He was downloading the handmaids tale the day it was released for me – within hours… Now all of sudden shows aren’t up for days?! Okie dokie!

We’ve planned to see each other tomorrow, I think on the phone we’ve talked about breakfast & hanging out, I still want the sexless dates, but so far we’ve had sex pretty much every time we’ve seen each other. So when he says he’s just going to come to my house early in the morning, I can’t help but be deflated. He says, “what would you prefer? a breakfast date or early morning fuck?” & I say both, but if I am honest, I would like the breakfast & to see him more so we can have sex another day, but he says “hahaha. well I need to go to bed now for a sneaky morning fuck 😛 haha well a morning fuck it is 😛 goodnight IBD4U :)” I am so confused, he had planned to have a breakfast date with me, now he’s just coming over for a morning fuck, maybe we’ll go out for breakfast after we have sex? I never know what he’s fucking planning, but I’ll just change my whole day for you Phoenix! I’ll miss the gym because who the fuck knows what time he’ll rock up…

#IBD4U

Phoenix #43

May 2025 – Ps I love you

22 May 2025 – I have not seen Phoenix this week, because today is the only day he suggested he could see me, but I had two 2-hour meetings with my team & assumed that the team would have lunch together, but no one mentioned it & we were all going our separate ways, so I tell him that he can come see me, after last night & my responses today, I would assume he would jump at the chance to come see me – didn’t he say he wants to see me as much as he can?! But he says, “Yeah just call me, I would of been way more organised and starting painting straight away if I knew you were free. I also have no showered today yet haha. and I can smell myself haha”. I can’t say I’m not disappointment that he just didn’t rush around like I fucking do, jumping in the car to make the effort, even bringing him a drink & usually food with very little notice. But we have been talking on the phone a lot & the face to face catch up – especially the sexless ones are dwindling unless I go to his work…

It’s weird, it started off with a few phone calls here & there, to every second day or so, to now it’s every lunch. We’ll call each other & I will go for a walk at lunch & talk for 30 minutes on the phone via snapchat calls, I can pretty much go on my break at any time if I don’t have meetings, so when he is at lunch we’ll call each other, so it’s become our thing… I don’t know though if he has just fallen into a pattern of calling just because that’s what you do in a relationship or if he really enjoys talking absolute bullshit with me. But the fact he hasn’t really being making an effort to see me for these so called sexless dates, its just very perplexing… Why did he start them & make such a big fucking deal about them, make me want them & then pull back on them? Yet he’d sent me a meme that reminded him of me, which is today’s heart…

Am I just a friend?!

I try after our call to organise a time next week, for a few hours or a day but he’s being non-committal & saying that Monday’s are risky but he could see me on the weekend… Well it’s Thursday, I am talking about next week, so is he not going to see me for over a week?! Again, didn’t he say that he was going to try to see me as much as possible?! I just don’t know what is going on here… Why is he making me now feel like I’m some sort of obligation… He’s seen me on Monday’s plenty of times…

I’m trying to chat as normal as I can, telling him that I have told a few people at work I’m seeing someone that he is a FIFO who has his kids on the weeks he’s home, that I’ve known him for years… But I am barely getting any sort of responses from him that evoke the conversation, when he takes over an hour to reply, from my messages before 4:00pm, around 5:30pm he says, “I’m heading offline, I’ve got work tomorrow so will chat then but need to be up early so will go to bed early. so night IBD4U xxc.” & he’s gone…

23 May 2025 – When I write, I sometimes write as things happen, I sometimes just write notes. Sometimes I write it as a diary, just as I am now. This is how I feel now, while I write it, not necessarily how I feel every day or how I will feel tomorrow, or if I will every feel like this again. But I write tonight feeling low, sitting in his jumper which is already losing his smell.

But this week, I’ve got my period, the week at work is awful – I am having to do something at work that I am vehemently against, yet somehow I have to run the process & it just seems insane to me that my boss also doesn’t agree with the process but her solution was for me to give it to someone else in the team. I said to her that it’s not a solution & I am not doing that. So not seeing Phoenix along with giving up the gym & trying to take the dogs for walks when I get home & doing a Pilates program on my phone, I am sick of being fat. Because of course Phoenix wife is on some weight loss injection & doesn’t eat & she now weighs less than me, I don’t know if telling me I am sexier & have a better body is helping because I have put on weight on my legs & hips which I can’t shift. He even told me this weekend I have fat legs. (maybe not quite like that but it stuck with me) But now she’s skinny, he doesn’t need me…

So I have some left over weight loss injection that was so expensive so I haven’t thrown it out but one that gave me awful side effects, like almost instantly, I get heartburn that makes me vomit & I get constipated straight away. But nevertheless, I started injecting the daily dose every second day to try to keep the side effects down but promote some weight loss. Dr Phoenix has told me, “Ohhh. They all have bad side effects…haha. That’s what helps lose weight. But it appears to make alot of people sick all of them.” I am not feeling great & hating that this strained conversation with Phoenix has been going on for almost a month now, I snap, “Other ones didn’t make me feel as bad as this one. Your wife has tried one, it doesn’t make you an expert.”

Despite seeing him last Saturday & Sunday, fucking at my house for a few hours & then in the car, it’s starting to be more distant. I have been waiting for it to go back to how it was, sporadic messaging, catching up once a month, but he’s been fairly consistent but the logging off without a goodbye & not coming back is taking its toll. We made an agreement, that we don’t say ‘I love you’ to each other as a transaction. I don’t want him to have to say it to me, every fucking time he sees me or every time he speaks to me. I don’t want it to be an obligatory thing that you say that loses all meaning. But right now, he hasn’t said it to me via text since the 13 May 2025 & I can’t recall him telling me in person since before then either. I don’t just know because I save our chats & have gone back to confirm, I know because he is he only partner who has ever said it to me that I remember when he says it because I don’t hear it very often & it means a lot to me.

The disconnect, paired with him either saying goodbye really early like today it was around 3:30pm (even though he said he didn’t want to say goodbye when I finish work, when I tried to instigate it) & said that he probably wouldn’t come back online tonight or even not even saying goodbye at all, pretty much since the night he ‘fell asleep’, he’s seemingly pulling away. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am just a master of self sabotage, things started going well in my love life, but things started going shit everywhere else so I sabotage the only good thing in my life. Is this the only good thing in my life? Maybe I put this out in the universe but I think it was inevitable. The more I say it pisses me off, the more he pulls back & doesn’t give a fuck if he loses me or not. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t like that he logs off & when this all first started he’d find cheeky ways to message me, but lately, he doesn’t. Does that mean he doesn’t care? Does that mean he doesn’t want too? Does that mean that he genuinely doesn’t get an opportunity? Does it mean that he’s fucking her? Or does it mean I should accept the ever insulting reply that he’s ‘busy’?

There are times when he sends me a meme – one the other day said ‘Sometimes you just need a secret friend to pound the living fuck out of you’ or ‘the best sex comes from someone you are not supposed to be fucking’ I am reminded that he sees something & thinks about me. So why doesn’t he want to come back online at night to talk to me? Why doesn’t he find time to message me cheekily? Is it because he knows I get angry when he doesn’t say that he’s going offline? Does he think I don’t remember him telling me he can’t jerk off when I was sending pictures to him but he was in bed with her. Does he think I don’t remember him using snapchat on the web to sneakily chat to me on his computer? Does he think I don’t remember when he used one of his weird Gameboy things to message me sneakily? Does he think I don’t remember when he wanted to chat to me & not take me for granted?

I knew that he had snapchat hidden in a secure folder on his phone so I didn’t know until he had mentioned a while ago that he deletes it & reinstalls it even though it’s hidden, just as he did with the chat app many years ago. He tells me that she found the folder last time she went through his phone. I ask when she last went through his phone & he says that it’s not that often but she has gone through it. I’m not gonna lie, I hope she does find our snapchat conversation, there is no way he can talk his way out of that if she finds it. He won’t be able to whittle our relationship down to a couple of months because it’s all saved on there – that’s not why I save it. I save it because I want to look at it later & write about it.

24 May 20205 – He sends me a picture of something at his work that I have wanted for a while & asks if I am coming to see him this morning – maybe he did mean this weekend? I go to his work to buy what I want but realise I don’t have coins for a trolley so I want for him to have his break & we walk in together, he gets me a trolley & then he won’t serve me on checkout.

I am trying so hard, I feel like I am putting in effort, I feel like I trying despite feeling distance to chat to him & think of things to say, I am him “⚠️ Do you want to hear a teanager girlfriend fact?” & he says sure, “Tomorrow, it’ll be 90 days since A3v2.0 kicked off… 3 month anniversary!” I think that he might say Happy Anniversary as a joke being he didn’t say it to me on our actual anniversary but instead after hardly messaging me at all today – I know we saw each other today, but was just his lunch break in my car, that I get “haha that is cute. I’m off to bed. night xx”

25 May 2025 – He sends me two memes, one for me & one that is him. I couldn’t agree with either more, but I say to him that he’d never make it to 11:42pm… I never sleep well, so many that’s why I struggle to understand someone falling asleep before they get a chance to say goodnight to their girlfriend.

We barely message today, I go to his work again for his lunch break. I feel so stupid when I make such an effort & all he does now is call me for my breaks, so why the fuck do I go see him? Because I realised the other day he hasn’t said I love you & just my mood this week, I mention to him that he hasn’t said it in almost two weeks. I said I didn’t want it to be a habit, he’d said he only wanted to say it when he felt it… So does he not feel it? Because I’d rather know that if he can’t handle my moods, lets end it now or just go back to being Marvel with monthly fucking.

When I am driving home he messages me “Ps I love you.” I say that he is a dick & he says that I loved it & it made me tingle, but I say “I’d love it if you meant it.” I don’t want him to say it because I brought it up… Fuck I know I am confusing but he was saying it all the fucking time & now I can’t even get him to chat to me & seem interested. “I do fuckin mean it!” but it’s not how he’s making me feel “Literal Phoenix this week ‘I do like talking on the phone with you. Bye I’m not coming back tonight.’” But he says “I am an old tired man. We did chat during the day the entire week! And a couple of nights earlier. You just have selected memory.” Oh yeah, I remember him not less than two months ago reading my blog over & over & sending me a whole A4 page rant & message upon message, to it dwindling & I literally feel like if I didn’t put in any effort, like I have done this week, we barely have two A4 pages for the whole fucking day! “Sorry for having an actual boyfriend for the first time in 18 years, in a unconventional relationship so I can’t be with him more than a few hours, so I want more text time but he’s an old man that prefers to sleep.” He says that he hates falling asleep, I mean I think he has a health issue, no one could fall asleep that easily every fucking night, even if they don’t have to get up early. I say goodnight because I am not waiting around for his early goodnight that will piss me off, but of course, he says, “Ahh okay. I was awake tonight dammit. Goodnight” Ah, of course he was & I’m expected to be available for him!

#IBD4U

Phoenix #42

May 2025 – 69 or a 9?

18 May 2025 – So that was one the hottest orgasms I have ever had… It was intense, connected & sensual. He leaves about 3:00pm, we chatted for a little bit, me starting the conversation to show him I care & love him. He talk about my dinner with my friend & her husband, his last message to me is mid conversation at 5:30pm. I send a snap of my outfit for the dinner around 6:00pm & then tell him when I am home at 8:00pm.

I get nothing until 6:00am the next day, with just a message saying he was asleep by 9:00am last night… Would have been nice if I was asleep instead of waiting for him to come back online… I decide not to write back to him until after 8:00am, “So we are doing the not talking after work till the next day?! Would’ve been nice to get that memo so I don’t look like a fucking dick all the time.” I don’t want to keep making a big deal out of this, but fuck I am so hurt, how many times does he get to do this to me & just say he was tired… “I should of told you i went to bed sorry… I just assumed I wouldn’t fall asleep … sorry. Well not that early or for long .. I do want to talk to you at night but don’t want you to feel like a dick. It’s a hard balance with my old man body that falls asleep…” An hour later, I say, “All good, we just won’t talk after 4pm from now on.” I am sick of this feeling, I even tried to just ignore it last night & send a couple of messages in the hopes he would come back online after that intense connection today, but I won’t ever be ok with this… “You sure? I’ve got a good roster next week where I can be up a bit later so yeah. It all depends on my body , my hours I’m waking up, my work load. If she’s asleep. It’s fucking annoying as I want to chat to you. I’m sorry it makes you feel like a dick because I wanted to chat to you last night.”

Does this song come to mind for anyone else, or just me?! Sam Smith – How Do You Sleep?

I’m done hating myself for feeling
I’m done crying myself away
I’ve gotta leave and start the healing
But when you move like that, I just want to stay

What have I become now?
Looking through your phone now, oh no
Love to you is just a game
Look what I have done now
Dialling up the numbers on you
I don’t want my heart to break

Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight

Tell me how do you
Love will keep you up tonight
Tell me how do you

Oh no, how did I manage to lose me?
I am not this desperate, not this crazy
There’s no way I’m sticking around to find out
I won’t lose like that, I won’t lose myself

Look what I have done now
Dialling up the numbers on you
I don’t want my heart to break

Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight

Tell me how do you (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Love will keep you up tonight
Tell me how do you
Oh, love will keep you up tonight

Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
(Tell me how do you)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Max Martin / Savan Harish Kotecha / – Ilya / Samuel Frederick Smith

How Do You Sleep? lyrics © Mxm Music Ab, Naughty Words Limited, Stellar Songs Limited, Songs Of Wolf Cousins, Hipgnosis Songs Fund Limited, Hipgnosis Side A

Funnily enough, these things that make him fall asleep weren’t an issue for the first two months, when he pushed & pushed for this to be more… I was reluctant, I was scared, I was apprehensive about either of us letting down the walls because I knew I would be the one who got hurt again, & I get hurt every fucking time he just ‘falls asleep.’ & he just can’t see that this is destroying our relationship… He chose to communicate better & now he chooses not too… Slowly, but it is eroding what we have & I don’t know if it can be repaired if it is broken ever again, I know he won’t try to fix it, he never does, but I don’t think I can fix this if it breaks… “Yeah, well, I’d rather not be laying there struggling to stay awake myself only to find you’re obviously sleeping soundly without a thought of me.” but he says, “I do think of you…And miss you …” I don’t reply, you can’t fucking think of me when you’re asleep! On his first break he calls me… I know I am probably bitchy, but I don’t care. But he says something sweet to me & my icy exterior melts away a bit & before I know it I am agreeing to meet him after his shift at 3:00pm for a catch up, not because he deserves to see his girlfriend, but because his girlfriend deserves to see her boyfriend.

He just keeps saying he doesn’t think he was going to fall asleep, I ask, “When you lay down & your eyes start closing & you feel you can’t stay awake, you can’t pick up your phone & say night #IBD4U before you drift off into your comfortable non interrupted slumber at 9pm… When your eyes start getting heavy, you think your going to get up & run a marathon?! Or you clearly just fuck your wife & then can’t use you phone in bed & just tell me you fall asleep…” I mean my phone is in my hand until I literally put it down to close my eyes, is he saying that he gets into bed, puts his phone down to fuck his wife & then is to tired to pick it up & falls asleep… Yeah because that’s the image I have in my head! He says that they don’t do it at night because their son stays up past him most nights but whatever, there would be no such thing as siblings if parents didn’t have sex with their kids around.

On his second break he calls me again, I mean, it’s infuriating that I am so easy & all he has to do it call me or send me a few messages & then things are alright again & I am looking cute heading down to his work to see him. Oddly, we have had a lot of sex this week, Wednesday we went to Hahndorf & fucked afterward, we saw each other twice yesterday, fucking for over 2.5 hours, but we drive around looking for a place to fuck – what happened to the sexless dates?! Yeah I knew that was bullshit… We are just sex, no matter what he tries to make it… I ride him but my clit is sensitive & I struggle to cum. I sit on his lap with his cock inside me & he watches me rub my clit gently until I cum… I think he likes watching me make myself cum as much as he likes making me cum. Later he tells me “At this point in time I’m not gonna be offended if you don’t cum 😜” I guess that’s good to know… At least he knows that I don’t fake it with him. On my way home, I say that we should say goodnight now & even though I am sad when he agrees, knowing he won’t make an effort to chat to me now, even if he’s awake. I am relieved I don’t have to wonder if he’s coming online or not, because I know he won’t.

19 May 2025 – Our snapchat streak number today is 69 & I reminds him that we did a 69 on the weekend, but he says that I struggle with a 69 that it turns into a 9… Well then! I say sorry for disappointing him, jesus christ mate! He says “Na I get a nice view of your cunt and ass. Never disappointed.” Hahaha, at least that’s something! He says that I suck his dick a little but then just moan on it, which he says feels good, but I can’t help that he is sucking my clit so good that I can’t concentrate on his cock!

I end up saying goodnight early again even though she is at work tonight, but when he starts taking a while to reply, I just am going to say goodnight. He asks a question but then says goodnight. I don’t bother looking at it till the morning…

Have you noticed how much smaller the day posts are, this day for example only translates to two paragraphs, because the chat is so limited, yes we do talk on the phone most days now but only for 30 minutes, if we’re not fighting about my blog or talking about sex, then he seems to not want to text me much – I don’t know if that’s true but we’ve basically reduced our texts by a fuck ton of A4 pages when I copy & paste them like a stalker, to a page… At least when we were fighting he was talking, putting in effort & making me feel like he was interested in fixing this & genuinely wanting to make the wrongs of the past right. But now… What does he want…?

20 May 2025 – I tell him today that I am in a bad mood when I finally message him at 7:20am. Why the fuck did he start this with me if he knew he wasn’t going to be able to maintain it? I never asked for this, I never asked for the dynamic to change & I want the energy he was giving me in March minus the blog fights… He, of course thinks I am in a bad mood because I have my period, something now as my boyfriend he gets told about, but ironically, when I have my period I am usually in a better mood than the week before or after. I even wrote about that in my pen & paper journal I had when I was with Boyfriend.

I tell him I am sad that his jumper just smells like me now, he asks if I have taken it off, which I pretty much haven’t, because at this point, I feel like there is no other way to be close to him. We have either said good night around 4:00pm or 5:00pm & he hasn’t been coming back online, then like this morning even though I know he is fucking up, I don’t get a message for hours after he’s awake…

The phone calls are a part of my day I really look forward too, I love how happy I am just hearing his voice. He says “Hehe glad I bring some happiness to your day 😋 And some frustration. And some pleasure 😛” Well at least he can admit that too!! Hahaha. I wish that he would call me for my afternoon walk that I have started with the dogs instead of the gym. But he doesn’t because his kids are home by the time I go on my afternoon walk. He says goodbye & that he’ll try to come online tonight.

I can’t help myself but I am watching the Handmaids tale, the penultimate episode of the series & spoiler alert if you want to watch it, they kill off two of my favourite characters… LIKE WTF. So I can’t help but write a message to Phoenix about it even though he has no fucking idea what I am talking about… Or that he bothers to come back online tonight to read it. But he has downloaded & put on his plex account for me, so I am a happy little vegemite.

21 May 2025 – It’s around this time because he’s never online at night & has dramatically reduced how much time he allocates to texting me, that I realise how much this job is just fucking cooked. There are so many things I don’t agree with, so many dumb processes that no one has questioned & when I do, they say ‘that’s how we’ve always done it’ so I question further & either get shut down or they change the process. Like these fortnightly meetings which was just a waste of time that a report of at least 20 different things needed to be produced, but stupidly they were done on excel but the data is copy & pasted to word – it takes forever & out of all the meetings I have been to, to present this report to my region, I am aways last & they run out of time & I never get to present it. I was doing 1:1 which were much more useful & less accusatory when I put my report up on the screen calling someone out for not doing what they should be doing… So when I present the way I have been doing it to my boss, she then takes the idea & stops them all for every region! I just hate that no one is innovative or wanting to make change.

I am also in HR & have to do performance management bullshit but the management haven’t really done their due diligence prior to the meetings so I feel like HR is just a scapegoat. Like one thing I am dealing with right now is that someone is in trouble because they wrote notes about eggs but the colleague went through the bin & didn’t find egg shells, so the guy who wrote eggs is now in trouble… ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! But maybe that’s why things are so hard for me with Phoenix, I hate this job & if he was just talking to me fortnightly & seeing me monthly like the last five years, I wouldn’t care, but I am invested now & he is the only good part of my day, it’s just sucky that I’m not his… He told me he wanted to make an effort that he wanted to stop taking me for granted, but for the last month, his effort level has halved & he is back to taking me for granted & we’re really just sex again with phone calls…. Anyway my point of that whole thing was that I have applied for a few jobs. I ask where his brother works again because I just applied for a job there… Part of me hopes I get it so I can meet his brother properly, maybe I can date him & he might treat me better?! Hahaha. Probably not from what Phoenix says he’s like with his daughter & part of why he is now divorced. Would make for some interesting blogs though… Hahaha. I wonder if I was with his brother, if I would cheat on him with Phoenix at a family function… I mean, that is if I still have my eyes because his wife has scratched them out, we would be undressing each other with our eyes.

We are having a really boring conversation about my rego, I pay it monthly but it’s saying my car is unregistered, but then when I go to register it, it says it’s registered. It’s so weird, but I say sorry for being boring, he replies, “I don’t mind talking about boring shit…. It would annoy me if I travelled as far as you do, haha, that it says it’s expired! I enjoy talking to you, can’t always be about sex….. You are also my girlfriend and are welcome to bitch, talk about your day, your tedious shit, etc  or your tv shows :P. You will just have to put up with my boring stuff sometimes too….” yeah but he has to to talk about this kind of boring shit with his wife, he doesn’t need me to add to it too.

His non sex topic, he says “Well I did a bucketlist thing yesterday. and it’s super lame” I ask what, but then ask “Why didn’t you tell me yesterday??” I don’t really get his excitement but I definelty want him to know I am interested in any topic, “Finished a really really hard video game from my childhood. that I got in 1997 for Chrismas but never finished it because it was so hard. I even posted to my group and got 150 likes haha, under my personal account too. because I was so proud.” He says it’s lame & didn’t want to bore me with it yesterday, I always want to hear what he has to day, I don’t get it & am not a gamer but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about it… I don’t want to be like his wife that he holds this stuff back from because he feels self conscious about it.

I don’t really get the game he was talking about but then I am reminded of a commodore 64 game from the late 80’s early 90’s that I tell him he should download for me, he says he probably already has it, I think it was actually called Donald Duck, I find it on YouTube to show him. Ironically he does have it, which is so funny, the music & the stupid duck! He then sends me a link to a computer version of it, which I think is so fucking adorable, he asks how, “I literally say something & nek minit Phoenix has it downloaded & sends to me!” It’s so fucking cute!

I am being super sweet to him, “You are so fucking cute…!! 🥰 I love it. Makes me just want to cuddle you… Sit in your lap, tickle your head & watch you close your eyes cos you like it so much… I love when you babble stuff about computers… I do not find it off putting geeky. It’s geeky but cute.  I mean sometimes I don’t have anything to say back, not cos I’m sitting here going ‘fuck Phoenix is a geek’ but because I don’t know some of the stuff… But I love hearing about it. I love how passionate you are. You make me fall in love with you a little bit more everyday.” I wait & wait & wait for a reply… Looking back maybe he was looking at the games but he takes ages to reply & the replies are now one or two words, so I send ”Ok, you’ve obviously gone to sleep. Night.” & I put my phone down so fucking upset I finally felt like we were in a good place & he just proves to me daily how much of a fuckwit I am.

#IBD4U

Phoenix #41

May 2025 – Sniff my panties

15 May 2025 – The next morning, he says that he slept like shit, so I don’t know why he didn’t message me, but whatever. I send him a picture of me in his jumper & he says it looks massive on me, I mean I does look like an oodie if I am honest. I say to him, “You’re supposed to say ‘you look so fucking cute wearing my clothes IBD4U!‘” but he says “Well giving you a compliment that you are small and cute kinda 🤷‍♂️” Why does he have to add kinda… Fuckwit! He tells me that he left it on purpose & he put extra aftershave on it for me. Well that’s fucking adorable…

We talk about my writing & I say that there is a point, where I come across as a petulant teenager, I do know that I am not innocent in our fights, but I am 100% not always the one at fault, he says “You and your teenage mood swings trying to test me sometimes. You do seem more moody on weekends now that I think about it.. Well starts on a Friday haha.” As if he doesn’t realise why, I mean it’s seemingly ok to message me when he’s lying in bed with her but not during the day…? I don’t get it, I will never get it – either he can message me around her, or he can’t… Not just when it suits him & that’s where the problem lies. What he doesn’t realise, that unless I tracked her work weekend that she works, things would be way worse because he never fucking tells me that he’s not going to be online a lot that weekend.

16 May 2025 – I tell him that I didn’t sleep till after 3:30am because I may or may not have read a message from him in 2018 that pissed me off, made me overthink & no be able to sleep. I was looking for a picture of us together, but came across some messages post break up one when he was coming back online to deliberately hurt me, so I would hate him, instead of just leaving me the fuck alone to heal, he came back to just destroy me completely. I don’t know why I talk to him about it today, I guess as much as he’s pulling away, I am trying to push him away? I don’t know… He asks what it was about, so I try to explain – but I am trying to catch him out again if I am honest, trying to protect myself, “I mean, you’ve said to me multiple times now that you’ve never ever gone down on your wife – the whole time you’ve known her… Like 20 years, right?? And you’ve said that you never fucked anyone else but me, her, Sweetie & that dude in the last 20 years….” to which he says “And if I said any different in 2018 there is a chance I was lying. I 100% have never fucked anyone else …” I do believe that this is true, he would have rubbed it in my face if he had of fucked another woman, I’m sure of that… But his messages from 2018 are pissing me off & making me really over analyse what he said… So in 2028, he wrote “Opps. It’s fun fucking other people tho. You made me heaps bette at sex btw. Apparently I’m a good kisser now and good at oral. And a lot better than before.10 years of the same person gets boring .” The bit that stands out for me is the ‘apparently he is a good kisser & good at oral…’ so someone told him this, “That was saying you make me good at oral… Not My wife.” No mate, saying apparently, means someone else has told you that you’re good at it… He wasn’t talking about me!

I don’t know why I have brought this up when we are in a good place, “I’m pretty sure I’ve never gone down on her. She hates it and feels self consciousness. I didn’t enjoy doing it until you. She won’t even let me do it if I tried, even in 2018. And didn’t let other men do it either. Being a larger girl she can’t do it… I was saying shit to make you jealous or piss you off. Id probally seen your pics about your old mate crow one fetlife which was way buffer than me and better at head than me and turns out pretty much did everything you did with me with him 🤷‍♂️ What do you say , tit doe tat ?” OMG every women, no matter her size can get head, all you have to do is spread your legs, so that’s dumb, does he not remember I was over 100kgs at one point! He says that it was 100% a lie, he did try to go down on her but she wouldn’t let him… “But fucking other people or the oral thing was an outright lie.” Hmmmm… Sure.

Things just don’t add up… It was a long time ago but now that I am fired up about it, I can’t stop, “You had told me that you were pushing for an open relationship to see me…! So much of your story just doesn’t make sense now… Like you apparently asking in the hospital to see us both… Which she said no but then was totally fine to be in an open relationship…  You never wanted to see me, you want to fuck whatever you could so don’t actually pretend that you were trying to push me away so I would move on. You literally could not have cared even a smige for me if you were willing to hurt me like that…. Constantly. Everyday. Telling me something new about your sex life.” He’s told me before how narcissistic he is, I just never saw it as much as I do now…

“I did care … And I did ask to have an relationship with both of you while she was in hospital. I wasn’t allowed to see you in our open but was hoping it would create an opportunity sneakily too. I didn’t lie about that. You clearly have over thought about this. But you would of kept fucking the crows dude no matter what, and would you still fucking him Today if he didn’t stop. You make it super obvious in your blog , even in past tense only a couple of years ago. You even complain about it to rob rob who tells you to message him again in hopes he would fuck you again… And note this in your blog, that is frustrated you that you guys aren’t still fucking. And note how good at Head he is. And clearly he was more attractive than me with bigger arms and a 6pack, and made you cum and squirt just like I do , he did anal and rimming with you too, and all the dirty scenarios you did with me. Clearly he left a big mark on you , and was also a married guy fucking you and clearly it annoyed you even though I was fucking you at the time and never stopped not long after he stopped. So I was clearly never enough for you 🤷‍♂️”

Oh good fucking god, how does he turn this around on me, what was I supposed to do, be celibate & wait for Phoenix to come back to me!? “That’s not even true at all… I didn’t have an emotional connection with him at all… He didn’t leave a mark on me at all… He was sex & that was what I needed becsuse you were busy telling me about choking your wife & 3sums & her cumming & rimming you… I found someone to have sex with, I was litterally fucking devastated about losing you & you telling me all that shit that I didn’t eat for months. I barely slept. Don’t get me started on who wasn’t good enough cos it 100% wasn’t you.” One of us has to back done here & to my surprise, he says, “how’s about we not think about 2018 or whatever it was.” I agree, why the fuck are we fighting about this! It’s a Friday, he usually doesn’t talk to me at all, why are we fighting… But also he backed down because he knows I’m right!

At 4:20pm, he asks me, “Did you want kids when you were younger ?”, which I say I did, “Yeah I did… And I kinda did when I always said I didn’t, I jist said I didn’t cos I never met anyone in my baby making years who wanted babies with me… So was easier to say I didn’t want them than be disappointed that I didn’t get them.” I feel like this is the first time I have really ever said that out loud. I did always think I would be married with kids, but as the years went on & as the baby making years passed me by & I was still single, I started saying that I really didn’t want them to save myself the heart ache of not having them. Ten minutes later, my message is unread so I ask if he decided to go out for dinner tonight, it’s his brothers birthday but he was bitching about it on the phone to me saying it’ll be expensive because his wife doesn’t eat & also his kids wont eat much but it’s an all you can eat restaurant… But I get no reply, no goodbye, nothing… Sorry did we not talk about this? Was he not the one who wanted to set rules so I don’t feel like a twat?! Also why start a fucking D&M about something that I am sensitive about to leave me on unread…. Fucking asshole. But at 8:20pm while out with his family & shouldn’t be online, he says he’s at dinner now & won’t be online tonight. I say ‘have a good night’ & I am so fucking pissed.

17 May 2025 – Of course I wait for his message today, because I am not making an effort. When he comes online he doesn’t talk about the question he asked me. But we talk about the long weekend that is coming up in June, I am going away with my family, but say I could possibly come to his work one of the days. But he is unclear if he is working or not, he says a few times that he is working, then he says he isn’t, then he says he is… I have no clue if he is working or not or what it means if he is or isn’t… It’s a confusing conversation. & I wonder why he’s being evasive…

I head to his work after the gym for his break, I get there around 9:00am because that’s what time he said & he hasn’t responded to any messages. I pull up & he says that it’ll be around 9:30am. But then as that gets closer, he isn’t sent on his break until 10:00am. I have to get home by 11:00am as I have two lash clients today, one of them Nee. I didn’t have time to bring him a proper lunch but I had gone to the shops before I came up, not knowing as I was shopping that he was going to ask me to come for lunch, I didn’t have much time so I got the snacks I needed for the week & head up to his work. Turns out, I did have time but doesn’t matter. We chat, kiss & touch & his break goes quicker than I ever want them to go… I get home & do my first client & am waiting for Nee to rock up, when Phoenix says that he’s been sent home from work early, he was supposed to work till 3:00pm, but they have sent him home at 12:00pm. He tells me to tell him when I am free, because Nee hasn’t rocked up, I message her to say that she can contact me when she wants to reschedule & she’ll have a $25 cancellation fee, but she writes “I won’t be coming back for lashes.” Ok, well first you could have cancelled your appointment though your booking confirmation text or just let me know… I have to see her every day at the gym, I tried to talk to her several times but got nothing from her so I just stopped. Whatever bitch, now I can take my boyfriend lunch, but he says that he’s coming to me. Oh, hahaha I’m confused… He calls me on his way to my house & I make us some toasted sandwiches.

He gets to my house around 12:20pm, I am reeling over Nee & how she just didn’t rock up when she has to see me every day at the gym… Not like we won’t bump into each other. I don’t care if people can’t get their lashes done but just click on the text message & cancel your appointment! You don’t even have to talk to me or tell me… As I dwell on this ridiculous incident that has just make me want to cancel my gym membership – which I ultimately do on the 19 May 2025, however I have to give four weeks’ notice, so I will have to keep going. Phoenix walks in, comes up behind me kissing me, rubbing my sides & feeling me all over as I am making lunch – simple toasted cheese & ham sandwiches so I start by telling him that she’s deleted me from Facebook & I have no idea what has happened.

I had asked Tee what had happened, but she doesn’t really know either. I talk so easily to Phoenix, something so ridiculous & high school like. I would normally not bore him with this shit, but this is our relationship now. I genuinely couldn’t ever imagine having someone in my house, just making lunch while he got his drink & sat down listening to my fucking high school drama. I know there is shit I say about not wanting a man to live with me etc, I say that shit cos I always figured at this point in my life, I wouldn’t ever had a guy live with me again & also I don’t know if I could. But this, this simple act of him walking in, getting his own drinks, pacing around (that’s what he does a lot), & coming up behind me to rub his hands all over me, over my tits & basically just to distract me feel so normal & feels so right. I wish I had more of this!

After a quick lunch, we head to the bedroom, he doesn’t have heaps long, he finished work at 12:00pm, but his roster says 3:00pm so he has a couple of hours before he has to leave. We cuddle in bed, in clothes, which is sort of a first, we usually get to my room & are naked, but we lay there in clothes, just touching each other. When his hand moves between my legs, up my long denim skirt, my legs have a mind of their own & they spread so easily for him. Every time he does this lately, I am fucking butter in his hands… I melt. I say “I’m sorry Phoenix” & he asks what with a worried look on his face, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give you your intruder/rape fantasy, ” he chuckles & asks why? I say that I won’t be able to push him off, even if it’s pretend, I don’t think that I will be able to play the part. I think my legs will spread & my body will just succumb to him & he won’t get the consensual non-consent fantasy because I will just be incapable of it.

He does this slow gentle rub of my clit, slow sweet torture that makes me gyrate my hips & begging him to rub my clit till I cum, over & over… Fuck it feels so good… He makes me cum multiple times this way & I fucking love it. Even writing about it now, I am feeling my cunt get a little wet at the thought of it! As I climb on top of him, because I am ready for his cock inside me now. I realise that I am still wearing my panties, because I remember last time I straddled him with panties, & I rubbed my cunt over his cock, that I gave him a cut on his dick that his wife found – yeah I didn’t love hearing that she found it cos she sucks his dick & obviously did it a few days after I fucked him. I fucking hate thinking about her when I am with him – I guess it’s an occupational hazard so to speak, but when it’s my time, I want it to be just about us. Urgh, ger your head back in the game IBD4U!! So I slip them off & I climb on top, sliding my cunt over his hard cock, so we both make this moan noise of that feeling of the first time he enters me. I realise I am holding my very wet panties, I say something about how wet they are & I flick them on the bed, I don’t even know really where they land as I have started sliding up & down on his cock, they maybe land on his chest or around near his head, but they are close by. I slide up on his cock & as I am coming down, I notice that he has grabbed my panties in his big hands & he has put them to his nose…. OMG, fuck that is so fucking hot!

This is the stuff of fifty shades of grey & to be honest, when I saw that part in the movie, it was a tad awkward & almost embarrassing to watch, but FUCK, when Phoenix grabs my panties, in his full fist & sniffs them telling me how good they smell, I can feel my cunt get wetter & I ride him harder & faster. Fuck that turns me on…. He is staring me down while he holds them to his nose, I pick up speed, unable to look away, our eyes are locked, but my panties are there is his hand, at his nose… When he can feel that I am about to cum, which doesn’t take long, he takes the panties away from his face & tells me to cum for him… O. M. F. G!

#IBD4U

Phoenix #40

May 2025 – Hahndorf

14 May 2025 – He says in the morning, that he will just come to my house when I ask what the plan is for today, I even offer up cancelling, as much as that will piss me off, I will at least go into work so I don’t waste my leave if he has to bail. I also say that if he’s worried, we don’t have to go all the way to Hahndorf which is over an hour away. If she goes home & drives past his work & his car isn’t at his work, he will have to get back to the car, drop me off before he can go home, what excuse will he use for what took so long when his work is five minutes away & his click & collect is ten minutes away? He says “We are going to go. I’m going to take you out for a date day like you deserve.” Fuck… I mean I do deserve a date & I love that he is recognising that…

I get up & get dressed so I am ready to go when he gets here, I have put on a little bit of makeup, I’d washed my hair, so I don’t look like a bridge troll like I did when we went to Victor Harbor. I am dressed in a little black DKNY t-shirt dress, that has the DKNY in sequins on the front & wear some cute white sneakers & a denim jacket. It’s cooler today but I did get warm when we walked at Victor Harbor in jeans, so I am going to wing it in a dress… I also have a little cheeky, hot idea for today, which requires me to wear a dress!

He was surprised that I was up & ready to go when he gets here around 8:30am, the video of him walking to my door, he looks so grumpy till I open the door fully dressed & ready, the smile on his face is so big & bright – it sets the mood for today, I love his face! He is wearing the jeans that I love him in, I think maybe his only pair but I love them – see he wore them because he knows I like them, he says he didn’t but we all know he subconsciously wore them because he wants to please me & he knows it makes him feel sexy when I tell him how much I love it. We kiss hello & he runs his hands all over my body in my little thin dress, I can’t exactly recall, but I am sure that he slip a cheeky finger in while we are saying hello. While I am sorting the dogs, he has gone through my fridge & cupboard, even helping himself to a taste of the marshmallow fluff in there, which I think is so cute & so familiar! But we are out the door by 9:00am, not having much time to waste as he only has till about 1:00pm because that’s what time his fake shift ends– why he didn’t write till 3:00pm, I won’t understand, but anyway…

We talk & hold hands the whole trip to Hahndorf, this has become my favourite thing to do with Phoenix, driving in his car with him… It’s just us, no distractions as he’s driving, not looking at Facebook or playing a game, no other people, it’s just us. When he finds a car park, ironically in a church carpark for what I am about to do, I can’t help but think I am going to hell anyway so what difference does it make. I go to make my sexy move for the day, but he has jumped out the car so quickly, I lean over as he’s shutting his door & ask if he has a pocket. He says yes & comes over to my door to ask what I am on about, we open it together, him opening it as I push it out & he doesn’t really understand what I am doing, but I am pulling my panties down my legs as I sit in the car, & I take them off. I hold them up to him on a finger & his look is like what the fuck is this? I say something like ‘can you take these?’ & he says why, then realises that they’re my panties, he shoves them in his pocket as I get out of the car & give him a kiss telling him that I am going panty less today. He lets out a little groan, grabs my ass as I shut the car door.

To be honest, it probably isn’t a good idea. It’s a cooler day, I am wearing a shorter dress & we are in the hills, which is a few degrees cooler than at home. I am now going to be bare assed walking around outside with a little wind blowing up my dress. But the cold is forgotten when we start walking & he grabs me from behind as soon as we’ve taken only two steps & I feel his hard cock against my back & he says ‘fuck you’re a sexy bitch sometimes’ & I have achieved my goal! I had not mentioned that I was going to do this, I wondered if I would be able to go through with it at all to be honest. But I am so glad I did; he loves it & it’s not some lame forced act. He mentions it multiple times throughout the day, I think mainly when he puts his hand in his pocket & feels them there. He later tells me that he was rock hard for at least the first 10 minutes of our walk.

We walk around Hahndorf, holding hands, talking & walking into random shops. We go into a Christmas type shop that has shot glasses & after we leave that store, I say that I should have bought one for my shot glass collection. We walk for about an hour, we have stopped & kissed at the end of the main street, he tries to finger me & I don’t know why I stop it but there are so many cars driving past! We find a toilet – again not so we can have this public toilet sex, but I literally need to go. While in the bathroom, I send him a snap of my bare cunt with a little lift of my dress. I assume since we’re together, he’ll have it loaded on his phone & the notifications on, but he hasn’t seen it when I come out that I ask him to look at his snapchat. He says that I’m so sexy when he see it & I grab his hand & pull him in close to me to feel his hard cock.

We keep walking till we find the place I picked to go for lunch, being we are in German town, we buy a share sausage platter with a pretzel, just what I wanted & I have a wine & he has a beer. He pays for the whole thing which is probably over $100 but he doesn’t want money for it. We sit outside in the sun, on the same side of the table. I sit close to him, rubbing his back, he runs his hands up my legs to my exposed cunt, which makes him hard. After we share lunch, we walk down the other side of the road, I see some Birkenstocks that I really like, but I am self-conscious to buy anything around him. I don’t know why, he doesn’t care, in the lolly shop he buys himself some lolly to try & another shop I buy him an ice cream that he hasn’t tried before. Then before we are ready to leave I decide I do want a memento from today & I want the shot glass to add to my collection. So we walk back to the Christmas shop, I think we have passed the shop when we seem to be walking forever that I say let’s not worry about it, but he is on a mission! He says no & we keep walking to find the shop to buy the shot glass.

Because it’s getting later & I forgot about the Geocaches, we don’t get to do any today on the way home. He hasn’t played with his phone much, but I know that if she’s messaged him, he’ll have to write back so it’s not suspicious. As we get closer to home, I don’t want this day to end, I know that he won’t stay long at my house & he’ll stay even shorter if we don’t have sex… The only way I know how to get him to stay, is to make it about sex. We have gone all day so we should be proud of that. So I tell him that I am so drippy wet, I open my legs & stick my fingers inside me & show him when he is stopped at the lights. I keep rubbing my cunt & putting my fingers in his mouth for a taste of my wetness & I also taste myself too. I reach over to rub him through his pants, but can’t seem to get a good enough feel, so I slip my hand in his jeans & for the first time ever, I have his almost soft dick in my hand, I mean, it’s not entirely soft because he’s been tasting me as I finger myself, however it’s the softest I’ve ever felt it, but it’s not soft for long as I start to stroke it & rub my clit at the same time.

He pulls into my driveway & it intensifies, he’s reached over in the last minute of our drive & rubs my clit himself, as I rub his dick harder. I look around & then lean over to suck his dick. He leans back to let me get the right angle to get it in my mouth. We only do this for about a minute before I say that he needs to come inside & fuck me. I have spent the entire day with no panties on, walking around in public, in a short dress that I have been so turned on, I want sexless dates but I also don’t want this day to end & I don’t know when we will be able to see each other again, we have sex, even though we didn’t get back to my house till 1:30pm, he is only there until after 2:00pm. Saying he has to go to get his groceries & make sure he is home before the kids who come home just before 4:00pm.

I send a message because I am so thankful for today “Hey Baby, thanks for a great day out! I loved it & I love you. I hope you enjoyed carrying my panties around in your back pocket all day! 😋 I’m so sad I forgot to take a pic of us… I put make up on & eveything!” It even catches him off guard because he says, “You never message first 😜” I mean I do with him, rarely & I have in the mornings a little… He says I should have asked for a picture but I was having such a good day, I just didn’t think about it, until after the fact. Just before 5:00pm, he says that he needs to go offline “Anyway I’m heading off-line. I’m not sure I’ll be back so don’t stay up for me… I didn’t do enough caffeine today , or the day out with you has made me super tired.” So we say goodnight & we don’t talk again tonight, which makes me sad of course because I want to talk to him, but we have had a good day together & some epic sex. I am happy…

When I go into my room later that night, I notice something on my chair-robe (aka occasional chair in the corner that is always full of clothes). What is that? I notice that its his jumper that I don’t really remember seeing him wear, on my chair… In one of our phone conversations in the last few weeks, I have told him how much I want one of his jumpers, something that smells like him, that I can cuddle up too. He thinks it’s weird but I have always wanted a jumper of a boyfriend. Has he left it on purpose or was it an accident?! Well too bad, I put it on & pick up my laptop to write, feeling inspired, I write over 5000 words before I go to sleep, which isn’t heaps but more than I have written in a while in one sitting. It feels good to write that it’s around this time, I really start using my blog as a journal & write – which is probably why the posts I’m posting now are more detailed that I’ve written before, probably why after only three months, we already have 40 Phoenix posts!

#IBD4U

Phoenix #39

May 2025 – Make up lunch

12 May 2025 – He asks what I mean by not talking after I finish work, he thinks that I mean I don’t want to talk ever again, “I mean, that daily, we should just chat when I’m at work & not bother about coming online at night… Just wait till the morning… No sneaky messages, no late night messages… I don’t mean I never want to chat to you again! I just think maybe work hours only… I don’t know.” I don’t really want this, but how can we keep going like this… Which means, I can’t keep going like this, he doesn’t care! & it makes me wonder why he started this v2.0, why didn’t he just leave it like it was… I totally understand that he thinks he is trying hard & making an effort, I am not denying that at all. But from my point of view he has never once refuted what I said about him actively having to get up & got to bed to ‘fall asleep’ but before that, deleting the app. It doesn’t stay on his phone, he’s never said that he doesn’t delete it some nights. I save all our chats so he’s told me he makes sure it’s deleted, even if it is in his secure folder.

He says he’s fucked off because he could have talked to me yesterday at work – well he didn’t try to keep the conversation going because I was not giving him much, but of course I get the excuse vomit “Some days I’m also busy, unfortunately I’ve usually got a bunch of adulting to do on top of everything else that includes chores and gardening and I also don’t take the risk always , literally a sneaky toilet message or something. And even if I don’t message you all the time, I feel like I message you more than anyone else ever has …..  And I genuinely do try and make and effort to message you when I can… just sometimes I can’t.” He’s always had the adulting stuff to do, even when he was working full time with a longer commute so that’s not new & just because he’s messaged me more than anyone else, doesn’t make it ok that he just logs off mid conversation, none of them were my boyfriend so I don’t give a fuck what they did.

He arrives at my work for lunch. I am hating that just seeing him, I melt & I am not as angry. We do argue about it at lunch but I easily back down with his gaslighting & making me feel like I am just being a typical girl. I hate that when I see him, my whole demeanour changes & I back down so easily. I am not normally like that in life so I don’t know how he affects me this way. I mean I don’t want to be angry & I don’t want to pissed off at him for falling asleep, but I don’t know what else to do. I know what situation I am in, that I am an overthinker & catastrophise everything, he knows this about me too so the fact we basically still only have an online relationship, that he decided he was going to change the dynamic & put in effort – but obviously only to a point…

We walk out to his car & we kiss goodbye, he pushes his hard dick against me & I can’t help but become putty in his hands, trying to remember that even though he came to meet me for lunch – only because I bitched about him doing it with his wife & because I am upset – not because he wants to see me, that I need to keep my distance so when he stops putting in effort & pulls away… He slips a finger inside me before I go back to work & I walk off upset for a different reason now, because I am horny & unsatisfied… He says via text that he doesn’t want to stop talking when I finish work & I don’t want that either, so I suggest that he tell me when he is in bed when he’s messaging… “Well would be nice not to think about you getting up & going to bed & putting your phone down & falling asleep without a goodnight.”  He agrees, but am I sceptical that anything is going to change? Absolutely.

We are planning a day to Handorf on Wednesday, so I start looking at menus & where geocaches are, he doesn’t plan of course so he doesn’t really care, he’s said that I can pick the restaurant & we’ll just walk around & have a look at the shops. We also talk about what I will wear, mainly because I know he likes me in a dress but it’s going to be cooler – there’s a scene on Gilmore Girls, where Loreli is telling Luke that he doesn’t influence her shopping but then she rambles (as she does) & has the realisation that he has picked out all her favourite clothes. I couldn’t find a YouTube clip, but I found a excerpt on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/GilmoreGirls/comments/hsnwfm/one_of_my_favorite_lukelorelai_conversations/

LUKE: But you’re always asking my opinion.

LORELAI: Yeah, but it’s the way I ask. “Isn’t this adorable?” Or “this isn’t right, right?” You know I put your answer right there in the question.

LUKE: Oh.

LORELAI: I will say, I do always like to buy one thing that you like that I don’t ’cause I know it makes you happy, like that blouse.

LUKE: You don’t like that, I thought you liked that.

LORELAI: Not really, but I liked how much you liked it, so I bought it.

LUKE: Huh.

LORELAI: And I will wear it because I know that every time I do, you’ll notice and appreciate it, and that will make me feel so good. And then because I feel so good, I’ll start wearing it more and more, and I’ll eventually really grow to like it, and I’ll forget that I didn’t like it in the first place. And holy crap, you’ve picked out all my favorite clothes.

LUKE: I knew it.

It’s so true… Phoenix will make me feel so good in some outfit that he’s suggested that he thinks I look good in – maybe without him even realising that he’s picked out my outfit for the day, maybe without me realising that I’ve let him influence what I wear. But I always feel sexier when he has had some say in what I wear & I will say this, without a doubt, if he doesn’t tell me with his voice how much he likes my outfit (Which he does do often!), his hands don’t lie, they touch me all over. His cock doesn’t lie as it stands proudly, hard against my pubic mound. His eyes don’t lie when he looks at me, for the first time that day or the last time that day. I have never felt more sexy without words… I can’t imagine anyone else ever making me feel this way.

Of course, even though he does say good night tonight, we are mid conversation when he sends, “Shit i gotta go. Night xox.” He knows what time she finishes work on a Monday night, so why doesn’t he wrap up the conversation better & not make me feel like shit… Like does she walk in the door & ask for his fucking phone as soon as she gets home?! Surely he doesn’t have to log off so rapidly?! I can’t let this bother me. I just need to somehow get over it… Or do I?

13 May 2025 – The next morning I say something about not bothering to make me feel special & he says that he makes me feel special when I cum, I say “My vibe makes me feel special… If that’s the benchmark.” But he retorts, “Does your vibe kiss you ? Rub your tummy? Hold you ? Whisper dirty things into your ear ? Grab your tiny waist ? Grab your tits? Suck your clit? Kiss your neck? Slam you into a wall and make out with you ? Slip a finger into you in the middle of a car park ?” When you put it that way… Fuck I’m hard! He then sends me a picture of him for our snapchat streak & fuck it is literally the hottest pic I have ever seen of him. It’s just his face in his black work hoodie, there is dim lighting but it’s sexy as fuck. I grab a vibe out & I think about all those things that he has just said & how he looks & I cum so fucking hard. I video it, saying his name as I cum & send it to him. His boss hadn’t rocked up to work so I say he should have called me, so he could hear it live.

We talk about using our names during sex, I am more comfortable saying his name, during sex than I ever has been. I always thought that he didn’t say my name because her name starts with the same letter & it would be easily mixed up… I mean I am not gonna lie, if he called me her name I would be fucking pissed & I don’t know what I would do – I would struggle to cum after that, but I don’t know what would happen. I would know it wasn’t on purpose, but I would be upset abut it for sure…

Then he says “Fuck I might need to fake I’m at work tommorw and get you to pick me up.” Oh fuck, he’s going to bail! I have taken the day off work for our trip to Hahndorf & now he’s going to bail because he fucking forgot something. He says that his wife is telling him she feels sick so he’s just going to leave his car as a precaution… I get she’s on wegovy but is she ever not sick?! I say that if he has to cancel it’s all good & I will call my boss & go to work instead, I don’t want to waste a annual leave day sitting at home feeling sorry for myself while he is offline, unable to chat to me when she is at home, of course…

I ask him if he wants to call me on his break today – this has become our daily phone call, a short 30 minutes but I go for a walk around the block, just a short 2km walk & chat about all sorts of shit with him. “Yeah , I enjoy ringing my girlfriend on my break 🙂” Awww fuck! I love our phone calls too… I am surprised when he tells me that he likes our calls. I have always been obsessed with being an obligation, so I love when he tells me that he loves the calls & that he actually wants to call me just for a chat on our breaks. I go for my walk, then eat at my desk, which is pretty much what the whole team does – one chick goes shopping every single lunch, I go for a walk & talk to my sexy boyfriend who’s voice calms me instantly when I hear it.

By the time he logs off for the night, he is saying that he will drop the kids off & he’ll drive himself to my house in the morning. I tell him that he can let me know tomorrow if he needs me to pick him up, I will be awake fairly early anyway, for months since this A3V2.0 started, I’ve been waking so fucking early, before my alarm to chat to him as much as I can, because he’s told me that’s what he wants too, but I seem to be the only one showing it… He says that I better be awake when he gets here, I remind him that he has keys & he says that he forgot, I say “Bahaha…. You use them like you own the joint so don’t know how you forgot… 🤣” I am joking of course, but I do like that he has been confident to use them without telling me, it tells me that he trusts me when I say he is my boyfriend & I am not fucking anyone else. I say that I have sort of been expecting him to come over one day when I am not home just to fuck up my organised fridge, drop me off some of the protein custard I love & I’ll come home & be like what the fuck… When I think about him sneaking in though when I am not here, I am reminded of the ninja pack up when he came to my house, used my keys, got his stuff & left, without ever seeing me again… Hmmmmm….

#IBD4U