June 2025 – I want a baby!
02 June 2025 – Sometime in December 2024, probably before that if I am really honest with myself, something inside me flicked. I want a baby! I ignored it for weeks, months actually, because this is not really possible for me, not only did I get a tubal ligation about six years ago, I also miss one very important ingredient to do IVF.
I push the feeling aside.
In January 2025, the feeling gets stronger & I ask my sister who she went to for her IVF when she had her kids, she asks why & I lie to her saying someone at work wanted to know, but I can’t tell anyone that this is what I am thinking of until I know it’s a possibility.
Finally in February 2025, the feelings won’t go away, that I mention to my GP – who was the one who had referred me to the gynaecologist who did the tubal ligation, he is so excited, more than I thought anyone would be. I tell him that I’ve been thinking about this for months, thinking it would just go away & be something I have hyper fixated on, but it hasn’t. He suggests that I see a fertility doctor & just get some tests done. He refers me to the same place my sister went, but to another doctor. My appointment isn’t for another three months, during this time, I go back & forth on if this is the right thing for me, if I can afford it. I hate my job so if I do this, I will be stuck in this role forever basically. I literally don’t know what I want, I am much better with snap decisions.
The problem is that now that Phoenix has started A3V2.0, I can’t think of anything I want more than to have his baby. Would he donate his sperm to me for IVF? Can I ever tell him? But my issue is now that if I do this, I want it to be his. It can’t be anyone else’s. No matter if he’ll be in our lives or not, (Our?! WTF!!) no matter if he wants to be on the birth certificate or not. If I go through with this, but it has to be his.
I have the initial appointment with the fertility specialist in May who then books me in for a bunch of tests. They have to be done on day two of your period so I have to wait another two weeks, then two weeks later to see the doctor again. I want this to get moving, I am closer to my 44th birthday than I would have liked & if I do this, I don’t want to wait any longer. Oddly after the internal ultrasound things are weird with my body & my period goes on longer than usual being that it’s like clockwork & I can feel my ovaries or uterus all month long, needing pain meds almost every day. What the fuck is wrong with me? I also have struggled to cum with Phoenix – is this because she literally poked my ovaries with the internal ultra sound stick, making sure they weren’t attached to anything (I mean I hope they are attached!). So two weeks later I get the results – I still haven’t told anyone at all what I am doing, my GP & this Dr are the only ones who know what I am doing. I haven’t told my sister, I haven’t told Phoenix. I want to know if this is possible first.
Stupidly I have told the fertility Dr that I have a partner so I’d want the sperm to be his & she says that getting donor sperm is harder if I am in a relationship. FUCK. She mentions that my partner will need to get tests & stuff too, which I wasn’t thinking about when I mentioned him, but I was hoping that I could jerk Phoenix off into a cup & just take his sperm to be used. I think he’d be ok with that – maybe, but he definitely won’t be ok with going to get tests done. He won’t want this enough to do that for me.
I want this though, I want it more than anything, however I also can’t imagine my life with a kid, I am always living pay cheque to pay cheque, I am always spending way too much. I could always sell my investment property & make a pretty penny, but that’s for my future, not for now. Not for a non-existent kid. I do wonder that if I hadn’t had been so adamant about not wanting kids to Phoenix, would things be different?!
But it turns out, I am glad I didn’t bother telling anyone because all the signs point to a 2-3% chance of a live birth with my age & my follicles. But to top it off I find out that I have Adenomyosis. The easiest way to describe this, is reverse endometriosis – Endometriosis is more familiar to people – is a condition in which tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus, where as Adenomyosis is a condition where the tissue lining the uterus grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. So interestingly, this is a reason why I don’t like big dicks & say they hurt – because with this condition, sex can be painful. However, this will affect an embryo attaching to my uterus & would likely result in a miscarriage, especially at my age. I know that is a risk no matter what, but this increases the risk significantly & I don’t know if I can put myself through that, financially & emotionally… Also I think that getting one sperm sample from Phoenix would be tricky but I would never get two!
I also now recall that Phoenix has said multiple times – before I even mentioned to him, that I had multiple appointments with the fertility clinic that I was smart not to have kids & that he doesn’t want any more. So I guess that asking for his sperm donation if the testing did go well, would be off the cards. Well that is that. No heir in my future that’s 100% for sure. So I never needed to think about it anyway.
I tell Phoenix, way after it’s all over & all hopes are dashed – I am not sure why. He brings it up a few times, saying I always said I didn’t want kids. & he’s right, I said it but deep down I always thought I would get a partner & I would have kids in my baby making years. I never thought that I would still be single at almost 44 years old, almost desperate for a kid. As much as I said it in this blog that I didn’t want a kid, I did think that before I had my tubes tied that I would have one but I never met someone to have one with. Then when Phoenix married his wife, I figured that there was no one else I wanted to have kids with anyway so that was it for me. He was the only one I saw myself having kids with. I don’t regret anything, my life took the path it took, there isn’t much I can do now besides look towards my next venture, a overseas holiday perhaps. Another property maybe. Definitely a new job. I guess things happen for a reason… So with that revelation, I can’t remember when I actually tell him about the baby thoughts but it’s after I have no real choice anyway… I mean if I had unlimited money & his sperm I would do IVF, but there is no point wasting money I don’t have for a pipe dream.
Today we talk on the phone & sporadically text through out the day. He shows me the a picture of the fruit plate he makes his kids when they get home from work, I love seeing him be a dad. He sends me pictures of his pizzas he made, just general shit that he hasn’t done for a while… I know it’s a Monday night so she’s at work, but you can’t tell me that when she’s home & he’s cooking, that she’s cooking with him like a couple so he could be doing this other days? He’s also recently bought some ice cream maker thing, so he shows me all the stuff he has bought for it, syrups, toppings & things, it’s the first time in a long time that he is sharing so many pictures.
I send him a video of me playing another game I found on the link he sent me when we were talking about Donald Duck, it’s called Mission Impossible & then he starts sending me pictures of old commodore 64 boxes & consoles, saying he’s a sad fucker with his old school joysticks. I never think that he is sad, I think it’s fucking adorable & I love that I have something to talk to him about while I play these old school games. I find a few other games, Burger Time was another one & I tell him that I am not as cool as he through I was but he says I am cooler than him… Maybe I am but he isn’t as geeky as he thinks he is.
03 June 2025 – Today I am working at Victor Harbor which is closer to his house than my usual office, but he is working all day so can’t come see me. He calls me but I miss it because it doesn’t ring on my phone or watch like usual, so we don’t get his full break to chat, we only get eight minutes, which makes me sad. But he says that we talk all the time. But I think he forgets that if this was a conventional relationship, we would see each other face to face everyday or at least most days, hell we’d be living together at this point, so the fact that I want him to talk to me & see me shouldn’t be that much of a shock.
He asks if I am still working from home tomorrow & I am, so he says that he’ll see me tomorrow but he might come back online to go his grocery shopping – he has told me that he rarely using his phone around her, opting for his Gameboy things or his PC. But didn’t think he needed an excuse to use it around her, particularly since he says he is now a social media influencer, wouldn’t you use your phone more?! It surprises me still, how under the thumb this man is, especially with how he treats me, how he lets her rule his life.
He does come back online & as we’re talking, I say “I never realised sometimes how much influence I have on you…” He asks what I mean, “I said I like your hair spikey, you kept it longer & spike it… I said I like you in those jeans & you wore them on a date despite you wanting to wear shorts… I said something about the name of your page & you changed it…” It’s hard when you’re in it to see these things but when reading back you notice that these are things that show me how much he wants to please me… He tries to pretend that he always does his hair spikey & that I have no influence over him, so I ask “So what about the jeans then?? You just wear them when you prefer to wear shorts just cos? Or cos your girlfriend said how hot she found them & you wanted her to say it again??” to which he replies “Maybe cos she found me hot 😐” We talk about Hahndorf & when I took off my panties & he asks how I even came up with it, “Well in 50 shades of grey he makes her take her panties off at the dinner table in a restaurant & he puts them in his pocket & I was like, hmmm… I’ll go to the bathroom & give them too you when I get back, but I just did it in the car…. 🤷🏼♀️” & I add “I wanted you to have them in your pocket… I want going to put in my bag & I thought, nope he can have them & every time he feels in his pocket for something, he’ll feel my panties….” It’s a reminder how sexy I am for him & even if I am not as skinny as his wife, this is what he needs me for. But I opt for a more lovey Dovey response, I find a meme that I send to him, which is todays heart, it’s after he is gone for the night, but maybe I need to be more vulnerable with him so he knows I am all in this…
04 June 2025 – I found another meme that I send him ‘Love how women set secret deadlines for men, like ‘if he doesn’t reply by 10pm. I’m done’ meanwhile he’s completely unaware that he’s got two hours left on his sentence.’ I add that “You don’t really ever stand a chance against my secret deadlines for you…” He says that he is just normal, but one thing that bothers me, is that this man knows me so well, knows every inch of my body, knows how to read the sex cues I give him. He used to pick up via text when I was down & feeling shit, but pretty much as each affair came to the end, he stopped noticing or stopped caring… Is that’s what’s happening here?!
He comes over around lunch time after work, it’s a sex date because we don’t really have sexless dates anymore – did we ever really have them at all? They only happen when I go to his work for his break, he hasn’t been to my work since the 12 May 2026, almost a month ago… We have hot sex, I am naked & he pushes me on the bed face first, I sort of bring my knees up so I am exposing my cunt to him to fuck me on the edge of the bed, but instead he goes down on me, giving me a very sexy orgasms, I think that he is going to rim me, being my ass is right in his face, I don’t know if he chickens out or if’s it not something that he wants to do, being he had a perfect opportunity to do it & didn’t… We fuck & he cums on me, then we lay there talking, something we don’t really do much anymore either… Maybe we do it more than before V2.0 but it definitely feels like our sex is back to how it was, still with feeling but I am feeling much more disconnected from him…
I am so intrigued about if he actually has ADHD or not – he recently started using it as an excuse for everything, particularly since I was diagnosed with it, so I pack up a little packet of my ADHD drugs for him to take with him in a little clear bag. I say to take them in the morning just in case they do have some sort of effect on him, such as keeping him up at night, usually they should calm you if you need them but if you don’t, they’re basically an upper. I give him a couple of short acting & one long acting – I will be very interested to see how he feels on them when he takes them.
He says after he leaves, “We can still have hot sex and you still cum 😛” Which I am thankful that I am not broken, I had said to him face to face about the ultra sound – which I wasn’t planning on telling him about, but somehow I can’t help it, I want him to know everything abut what is happening in my life. He doesn’t reply to my 4:30pm message until after 900pm. But I didn’t wait up to speak to him, I have been exhausted & I fall asleep without saying good night, but he never said at 4:30pm that he was going for the afternoon… I just can’t keep having the same conversation. I am really over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I just can’t!
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 