Tom Cruise #2

So I’m going to jump ahead a bit & I’ll mix up my timeline moving forward because let’s face it, the Marvel story is boring & predictable… Chat for days, tease each other till he asks when I’m free, then have hot sex – the hottest sex anyone has ever had then chat about it for days until we fuck again… So this is around spring 2020, I’m still in this cycle with Marvel (spoiler alert!) & for some reason – since it’s gone so well in the past (Hahaha) – I decide to give online dating a go again…

I see Tom Cruise pop up & we match, I only swiped to see if he’d swiped & he had, so we matched… We chatted & we decide to meet… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I am now dating the same men again years later – 2020 really is fucked!… I have dated everyone in Adelaide that I am now going through them again!? OH MY FUCKING GOD! Hahaha…

Do you remember this freaking character? Well if you don’t I suggest you go back & read Tom Cruise, then you have every right to scream at me “What the fuck are you doing #IBD4U?” before you read this! I do also talk about Tom Cruise in the podcast I am on – have a listen.

So I mean my life choices aren’t great, lets be honest. Don’t think for a second that I think I am completely sane, I know I must be some sort of crazy to be going back here again… But I am stupidly involved with my married ex-boyfriend who I still have feelings for but refuse to admit that to him & no one knows I am seeing him again so what else do you do? You find a weirdo that you match with – that you’ve disastrously dated before & you date them again! Life choices are not my strong suit, apparently!

Again this dude, who looks exactly the same as he did, who seems to be either pretending to not know me or has genuinely forgotten me. I can’t decide which is worse… I never say anything about having dated him before, waiting for him to say something but he never does.

He is hard to pin down for a date again, not this old chestnut – he always wants to meet a a pub near his house. Since I last saw him he’s had a kid who is about two years old – that he barely talks about, he’s living with his brother which seems like an odd story & he’s so blaze, about it plus his job seems a bit weird too – nothing adds up, yet I still make the choice to meet him. But this time as I am not really fussed about meeting any guys for anything, especially a drunken night of sex – I have Marvel for that. I can actually date & make a man wait. I’ve been told I should have sex with a man for 3 months. I thought 3 dates was a bit extreme but 3 fucking months?! No way… But this time I refuse to be the needy stupid bitch who rushes down to his local pub while he gets to walk there!

He does offer for me to spend the night at his house, he’ll sleep with his brother apparently, or his brother isn’t there – I forget but it was but it was supposed to be an innocent invite & I could have his room. I tell him I have to be up early as friends are coming over to help me paint my house before my new carpets are installed the following week & he says that it’s ok, he has to be up at 4:00am! Oh good, what an awesome sleepover – having to leave at 4am like a booty call or hooker. NO THANKS.

We take a while to make the time to meet, it’s not easy when I’m a stubborn fuck & he’s a weirdo. Finally he agrees to meet me at a pub closer to me. It’s during a Covid-19 bullshit time (around the time that Adelaide’s 6 day lockdown was only 3 days in the end) where you have to sit & drink, the pub is packed & so we have to sit in a doorway/hallway on a stack of chairs away from everything & the atmosphere of the place.

Despite my previous experience with his dude, I actually enjoy talking to him face to face, he’s different & while he makes it awkward a few times by telling me I’m difficult or something like that, but it’s more banter than him being a complete ass. The most awkward part is that we are basically sitting in a fucking hall way. He drinks 3 beers pretty quickly & I am reminded that I think this guy has a drinking problem. When he says that he needs to go fairly early in the evening, while we’re having what I think is a good time, I think he’s obviously not had a good time.

He’d been going out for cigarettes, not having to go far being we were in a door vestibule of the hotel & he always returned quickly, engaging in the conversation & apologising for his filthy habit… Something he didn’t apologise for on the first date. I mean I am about 15kgs lighter, I do dress differently, I am very different to when I met him the first time. I look the best I have ever looked, I feel the best I have ever looked – despite some personal issues (mainly work related) which I’ll tell you all about soon. Maybe I was part of the problem last time? Well of course I was, I mean I was seeing Noodle & trying to not fall in love with him but this guy is also different to the first time I met him. He seems to have more feeling – perhaps having a daughter changed the way he dates too?

When we leave, he walks me to my car, having a cigarette on the way, we stand outside by my car, I see clearly for the first time that night, that he’s really cute, quite tall & as he leans in to kiss me, properly kiss me, I find myself kissing him back… It’s the first man to kiss me besides Marvel in a really long time…. I’d like to say that it felt good but he tastes like cigarettes – as a non smoker myself, it’s foul & makes me pull away. We go our separate ways but I am surprised to find a text & texts all evening from him – but it begs the question ‘why did he have to rush off?’ Well my theory because his messages get more garbled, I know he’s home drinking. I felt like this dude had a drinking problem when I dated him last time. I see nothing has changed.

We try to catch up again but yet again he wants me to come to him at his local pub which I refuse so he tells me I am being difficult but I am not trying to play a game, I am just not that interested in watching someone get smashed while I have to drive home. We never end up catching up again. A few weeks later he messages me randomly asking me if we’re ok, it makes me laugh, so I say that we’re not ok as it’s our 2 month anniversary & he forgot. We laugh & message a few more times but to put you all out of your misery – Tom Cruise, is not my ever after… If I get an ever after!

But between now & the end of I’ve Been Dating For You (which is happening!), I never hear from Tom Cruise again, nor do I try to reach out. This is why I am so entwined with Marvel & refuse to give him up – it’s easy, not fake, he’s not committed to me so if he’s lying to me it doesn’t really matter, there are no games. It is what it is. Nothing should be that hard to try to meet up with someone, imagine trying to have a actual relationship with Tom Cruise? As much as I enjoyed the date we had, there are too many red flags & while I usually just see them as obstacles that I just put to the side, this time I see them for what they are. WOW, see how much I’ve grown! Hahaha… Maybe it is possible for me to have a successful relationship that I deserve after all?!


Marvel #7

I know what you’re thinking, I know what I am thinking, this rabbit hole isn’t a good idea to explore but as I fall so easily down it again I can’t catch myself. He can’t catch himself either… There is a force that pulls us together. I don’t know how this is going to end, but it honestly can’t end well!

We talk the rest of the day after we first collide again, about using a condom, I shouldn’t be fucking him without one & he says that as much as he doesn’t want to use them (of course) because he say he knows how good I feel without them but he’ll respect me & my wishes on that subject. Which I know he would if I asked him too or if I put one on for him, he’d still fuck me with it.l & love it. He’d also joked before we caught up again that there would be no kissing & so I suggested no eye contact. Lets get some limits out in the open. Good idea! Unfortunately we failed on both parts, I’m not going to lie, fuck it was so good to kiss him again. It was even good to have that eye contact with him too, during sex, afterwards it was harder as I didn’t want to see the love in his eyes…

The spell with him is broken, later in the day when my boss rings me to tell me off about work I’d been doing this morning. I tell Marvel about it, of all the things to be told off for today about working from home, I was actually told off about doing work… I mean, I fucked my married ex boyfriend on my lunch break, cracked a wine at 4:30 & I somehow get told off for actually doing work. Marvel doesn’t get it & neither do I. Before Marvel came back on the scene, I have been a target at work & it’s killing me. I love my job, I do it well, when I’m allowed to do it. As you all know I am a childless, partnerless women with a lot of time, hence the small hobby business – which was closed down temporarily due to covid in 2020, to occupy my time so now I don’t even have that. My career is everything so it’s hitting me hard. It makes me thankful that I have Marvel back in my life, even if he isn’t going to support me like he used to do.

There is a lot of conversation but it’s mainly us talking about fucking next time… Yes… Fucking next time… OMG, will there be a next time? Have I have enough? Can I walk away now, having one last hit? I want there to be a next time so badly… I want him more than I want anything in the world… I love that feeling, the look on his face, the sounds that he makes, the way he touches me – like he’s never felt or seen anything as sexy as me in front of him before.

He backing away again & his replies are a lot of “No comment” “Stop making me want to fuck you” “Shhh You” “Grrrr” & “OMG #IBD4U” his catch phrases that start to piss me off… At this point I don’t know why but I am working so hard to keep the conversation going with him… He could disappear at any time… I don’t know if he would say goodbye this time if she found out or if he decided to stop seeing me again…

When I find out my dad is in emergency with kidney stones, I message Marvel – why is he the first person I message? He’s not online till the next morning & just says that he hopes my dad is ok, I realise that we don’t have that type of relationship now & we probably won’t again in this instance, so I change the subject, showing him a picture of a vibe inside me. Stress does weird things to me, makes me horny & lose weight… I need to keep the distance from him, as much as I want to talk to him about my dad being in hospital & as much as I talk to others on the chat app about it & not mean anything, but it means something when I confide in Marvel – he’s my best friend, my lover.

There are some times that we do talk to each other like real people though, he tells me he’s been delivering catalogues while he was off work & trying to find a job. I talk about how stressful working from home is, the goal posts change so often that I can’t keep up with the directions I am given…

It’s also around this time that I apologise to Marvel for being nuts last year & ending it the way I did, after another year of therapy I realise that work is my issue, not Marvel. He says a usual Marvel type reply like “eh” & I know because he keeps talking & engaging in this conversation that he is thankful that I apologised to him. I know how his mind works, he’ll never sincerely apologise to me for how he’s treated me, he’s either genuinely doesn’t see it or he’s so self-involved all he does is protect himself & thinks he’s in the right so I know I will never get the same back, however I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t try to make amends for what she’s done wrong.

He’s started his new job too at another retail chain, part time, I fall in love with him a little bit more when he talks about his family life & getting to spend more time with his kids & working less, also now having less of a commute to the store. I know one of the main reasons he chose to stay was because of the kids, so it’s heartening to hear that he’s actually spending the time with the kids & doing things he likes. He’s not online as much as he used to be, that’s for sure & he goes offline without saying goodbye a lot earlier in the day than when I know she’s not home but the kids would be.

However it isn’t long before he is asking me back over to his place, he has a late shift, starting at 1:00pm. I take an early lunch & head over to his house. It’s been just over 2 weeks since I saw him last. I am wearing gym gear, one of his favourite looks on me. He hasn’t seen my new smaller frame in gym gear. It always surprises me that I would spend ages planning an outfit, getting my hair perfect & doing make up only to find out that he likes me best when I am in my tight gym gear?!

I am shaking as I walk into his house, scared of everything that could happen while I am here, nervous to see him again, scared of what he or I might say, but knowing that I am in for multiple orgasms. He says as I walk into his house “Couldn’t keep away huh” & we kiss, hands everywhere, the passion undeniable. Sweetie was the only one who ever saw us together who said she could feel it radiating off us. It’s still there, as strong as ever. His hands feeling every inch of my ass & I know he likes what he feels when he tells me how good I look.

He leans me back & I am being gently taken to the floor, to his carpet, where we do a 69 with him on top. I am begging him to fuck me, so he takes me over to his couch we have epic sex as always & I am sort of glad again that I am the one that gets to get up, getting dressed & go home – walking away from him this time. As I leave though he reminds me not to get too close to him. I tell him not to worry about that, as I kiss him goodbye & walk away…

While I leave, walking up his driveway doing the walk of shame in the middle of the day, so many things run through my mind, but when thoughts of who will message first or will he ever tell me he loves me again, I push those thoughts aside & remind myself that I won’t get close to him again. I am a heart OS stone again. I want it more than anything, but I am going to keep my distance – just like he tells me too…


Marvel #6

So who hates me for leaving it a week to find out if I go inside his house or not?

It’s an odd feeling being here, his house looks exactly the same but oddly different. I sit in the car, having moved it twice, parking a little down the road – I have a different work car so no one would know what I drive around here anymore. I swore to myself I would never be here again. Yet here I am, heart pounding. Legs shaking. Getting more & more turned on.

Let me ask you this, have you ever had a piece of cake in front of you, or chips or chocolate, whatever your vice is & you’re holding it in your hand, knowing you shouldn’t eat it, knowing you will feel crappy for having that second piece of cake but also knowing how good it tastes. So regardless of all the reasons you shouldn’t eat it, you find your hand is moving mindlessly to your mouth to take a bite of that second slice…

Well, this is how I feel right now as I take a step after step down his driveway, my shoes crunching aganist the rocky driveway, my heart pounding, feeling myself getting more & more turned on as I walk up the step to his front door, which is covered in painting tape that looks like its been there a while & the painting is done to an amateur level…

I knock & it’s not long before he answers the door… His face is fatter, his body is fatter, he’s wearing daggy clothes but I notice his wedding ring straight away, it’s shiny & gold, not exactly what I would expect him to wear… His house is the same, not a tidy house as you know but a lived in house. There is always a clothes rack in the front door way, that hasn’t moved since I was here last – 6 months ago & it’s always covered in clean clothes. I can’t help but notice her clothes on it. I’ve never really seen her in person or photos but her clothing style tells me a lot… You can tell she’s a mum that goes for comfort. Her shoes around the house depict the same thing too, she’s a comfort girl. I get it she’s working full time while her new husband works part time, I’m sure there are still the other household duties she takes care of to but I remember he was the one who cooked & cleaned the most, from what he told me. I don’t know what reality is but she was always asleep so I can only take what he’s told me at face value.

He says as I walk in the door something about not being able to keep away, we’re kissing before I answer & while there is nothing that feels right about being here, this feeling, his hands on me, kissing him is right, it fits. The passion I have for this man is ridiculous… While I can tell he loves me from the look on his face, he won’t say it. I know this. I definitely won’t say it but I feel it… It’s not as strong as it once was, we’ve both hurt each other, perhaps even beyond repair at this point, but the passion & desire for each other has not diminished in any way! We kiss with passion, stripping each other in seconds, I push him on to the couch in his little gaming area that he takes me too, I show him my sexy white lingerie set that I am wearing & I see the look, the look that is like a drug to me, his eyes pop out of his head, he grabs my waist – something I know he loves about my body, how small my waist it & he likes to feel it…

Then the other drug, the sound we both make as he enters me, a little moan from me & a manly sound from him in unison, How can this feel so good… Why has no one else ever felt like this inside me before, why has no one else ever made me feel this way? I know for men & me too with some men, sex can just be sex no connection – but there is feeling here, we connect & the intimacy, while it’s not there verbally, this is about as intimate as you can get with someone…

This time I get to call the shots about how long the interactions last, as much as I want to stay & I want to cuddle him, I want to feel his hands run all over my skin, I want to kiss him till he’s hard again & fucking me for a third time, but I get up & get dressed… I need to keep the distance. I’ve done it before, I can do it again… As I do he’s is babbling to me saying that I can’t get too attached to him… This pisses me off & I say ‘don’t worry I won’t, I don’t care…’ This reply must piss him off because he keeps saying ‘don’t get too close to me’ & then asking why I don’t care… I am trying to act like I don’t care & to be honest, the more he says I can’t get attached to him, the more in the moment that I hate him…

I am not stupid, he married this women less than 6 months ago, her wedding flowers are sitting in a jar at the front door, dusty & drying, they don’t look like a nice wedding bouquet, it looks like a dead bunch of dusty flowers, so I am well aware of the situation I am in… I expected to see prints of them around the house too, but there are now. But the marriage or wedding day is very apparent in this situation… I’ll call it a situation because relationship doesn’t seem like the right word this time…

His warnings have me leaving his house with just a quick kiss goodbye, he says ‘see ya round’ & I shut the door, walking to the car with just fucked hair & a rosey face, anyone that saw me would know what we just did… I refuse to message him first after this… He was clear, that I shouldn’t get attached. I know he wasn’t going to leave her before they got married, now he’s tied to her by a legal document, that he is not going to walk away from her this time either… I am well aware of that & while my love life hasn’t been going so well, I am also aware of what is out there… At least with this interaction with Marvel, I know what I am getting… Great, amazing sex which guarantees me multiple orgasms, I don’t have any of the drama, the worry about where he is, what he’s doing, what he’s spending money on…. It’s just sex… Isn’t it?

Since he was clear not to get too attached to him, when not too long later the infamous beep of the app goes off & it’s him… “See I told you I got fat” Fuck it makes me smile that he caved first & messaged me… This means a few things to me, that he is sitting there thinking about me since I just left him – I mean how could he not, with super hot sex we just had… But with his comments over & over about not getting attached & him messaging me first, I feel like I am not the only stupid idiot in this situation – I realise that he is saying don’t get too attached to me but it’s as much to himself as he is to me…



There’s a time in everyone’s life when they have an unrealistic, unhealthy crush (probably better defined as a obsession) with a celebrity. The varying degrees of this obsession will be dependant on the crazy of the person.

I consider myself to be fairly sane. I have obviously had crazy moments, I am not perfect, however for the most part I am sane. I’ve had celebrity crushes before where you google the actor to find out how old they are, where they were born etc. Nothing to exciting. But I think I can safely say that everyone reading this has googled a celebrity in the pursuit of further information at some point in their life.

I don’t know about you but I often switch between paying for Netflix or Stan – never both. At the moment I am watching crap on Stan. When I stumble across an older Australian TV shows, that aired for only 3 seasons between 2013 & 2015. It’s basically Home & Away for adults, set in Sydney. I have to say I never watched it when it was on the TV but I binged watched it a few years ago, enjoying the show & never thinking much of it. However one character always caught my eye.

Re-watching again recently for background noise as I go through life, I realise that there is a character who looks exactly like Doppelganger & you know who he looks like!? Yep, you guessed it. FUCK. It sucks me in… Sucks me in harder than I expect.

His character is goofy, funny, the sidekick with the funny one liners. The type of guy who’s always smiling & cracking jokes. The type of guy I always wish I was with & now he looks like the guy I wish I was with… I know he’s acting, but this type of show is where the actor isn’t really acting, they are basically playing themselves with a script…

He looks like what I want, he acts like what I want, he’s a perfect guy, so I know that if he just met me, he would like me! This could be my happily ever after – if we believe in that shit.

A lot of the characters in the show haven’t really done anything exceptional since the end of the show in 2015 & most weren’t that famous before the start of this show, so he piques my interest, how old is he, what has he done since the show, where does he live? You know the normal sort of questions you may have about a celebrity… So as I type in the title of the TV show into Google, the actors name pops up. I’ll have to preface this by saying I’d never heard of him – I needed to Google the show to find him. (Also because I didn’t know his characters surname)

So while on pursuit of further information about this guy, google tells me that he’s my sisters age, so almost 2 years older than me, that he has been in a few more Australian TV shows including some more recent shows. That I start looking them up to see how big of a role he had in them.

You know it becomes unhealthy when you start looking at their personal Instagram, seeing a wedding ring in some pictures then more recently it disappears… Needing to know, you google further. They divorced recently & theres a news article about them selling their house. She’s in the show business too. But what’s most disturbing is when you see some posts of him being in South Australia on a road trip you & find yourself commenting. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

This fucking comment is probably one of the most crazy thing I have ever done. But I think the worst part is though when I start dreaming up this scenario that he is going to like my comment & then slide into my DM’s.

Of course when he slides into my DM’s he’ll have looked at my tragic Instagram & know that I am not like the rest of his crazy fans, he’ll see that I am a normal girl & really cool. We’ll chat & next time he visits SA – which my google stalking tells me that he is often in Adelaide pre covid for the cabaret festival – he’ll want to catch up with me for a drink.

My google stalking takes me down a rabbit hole of finding out that he’s an amazing singer, which I watch every fucking YouTube clip of interviews & singing clips on all the morning shows. Seriously… This is next level stalking…

I still think about this guy – a lot- an unhealthy amount thinking of how I will check out the cabaret festival whenever it’s on next to see a show he’s in, maybe hang out around the venue like a weirdo for a autograph (something I have not really ever done!) But I really think we could have something if only he’d reply to my comment…

Has anyone else ever done the same?


Marvel #5

If you missed my announcement or misunderstood it – thinking I was ending it on Friday 13th, then you’re mistaken & you’re not rid if me that easily… I am ending my blog – that is for sure, the weekly posts at least. However, I am not going to leave you hanging. You will get some sort of closure as to what happens! I will tie up loose ends but because I am not dead, you will still probably have questions etc as my life does continue after 40, however I don’t think I can write about it anymore.

When I’m chatting with Marvel, we’re fighting about how he doesn’t trust me. Is he actually serious? I have done nothing to make him not trust me but he says that he thinks I did the Facebook post on purpose & unblocked his wife, which he apparently paid for. He says that it was seemed from his point of view that it was very intentional & that he’s scared to talk to me again. His wife obviously saw it & went on & on about it – he tells me gain that he paid for it…. Not my fucking problem if someone is stalking my Facebook. Why would she stay after thinking he’s cheated again? Why would he say if he was paying for her stalking? Why am I still wanting to chat to him if he’s such a fucking asshole?!

I snap at him that I have been thrown under the bus every chance he got to save himself & I protected him against everyone, even against my readers. Like some sort of wanker & yet I’m the one that’s not trustworthy! Whatever… How fucking dare he. Even if I did post on my Facebook hoping she’d stalk me, which to be honest, I hoped she did, however, I haven’t done anything to jeopardise his trust in me!

But later when we’re chatting & over that topic, I’m begging for a picture from him, not of his dick but of him because he says he’s put on weight, a lot of weight & I wonder if he’s as big as he was in pictures he showed me before he got really skinny the first affair. He sends a picture & my heart skips a beat, my cilt tingles… This picture. He’s standing in his bathroom mirror                              his phone around his chin, his hand, his left hand is on his chest. He’s wearing jeans & a t shirt. The mirror is dirty, there is stuff all around the bathroom bench & all I notice is his left hand, on his chest, right for me to see. His gold wedding band. Nothing hurts me more. I mention it & he says that he didn’t do it on purpose, but I call bullshit. I tell him that there was a time when I thought it would be my ring on his finger. My ring on his finger. I say it again because this ring on his finger now represents nothing. It is a symbol of lies & deceit. It means nothing to him. The one man that I finally thought it would mean something for me & now seeing it on his finger, I think that it is just a fucking joke. No marriage I’ve seen has been worth it. But I thought he was worth it. I think that hurts the most, is that I saw potential with this man. Those dreams are shattered now, that dream is just a childhood fantasy – that marriage is the perfect relationship. Marriage is nothing. It means nothing. I have spoken with enough married men online to know this, but I always believed that when I met the one I wanted to marry, it would be different. How stupid was I?

I think what hurts me the most is that I really wanted to get married. My whole life I have thought about getting married, what the wedding would be like & what type of partner I would be. As you know I took till I was 36 to fall in love for the first time, to fall deeply & madly in love with someone but to have it shattered, I still felt like I could find it again, I felt like I would still get married as that meant something to me. But finding out Marvel got married, shortly after confessing how much he loved me. That dream shattered. That dream is gone.

After this revelation of my own, I realise I don’t care now what happens, but all I want is to fuck this guy. Right or wrong, I want it. He wants it. I have no conscious about it anymore. Marriage means nothing so I don’t give a fuck. I do everything I can to turn him on, pictures, videos, scenarios, I do it daily, constantly every message is now about sex with him, what we used to do, what we could do, how hot it would be, how hot is always was… It does the trick, Marvel asks if I am free on Sunday morning. I tell him that I am free & then he takes it back. Is he playing a game with me too? I wouldn’t out it past him that he is. He even controls my orgasm, which I have sent videos teasing myself where he says that I am not allowed to cum. It turns him on more, knowing that I will obey him. He says though so many times that we shouldn’t be fucking & that we said would wouldn’t even though there is so much tension with him… But I know we will & I know we both want it… It’s just a matter of time really…

When he says come fuck me then. I obviously can’t as I am working but I pretend that I am on my way to his house & that I am at his door. He asks if I am legit, which I am not but I play with him so he freaks out a little. But he’s told me that he’s home alone today & tomorrow. No kids. No wife. He told me with intent. Today I was working & had put a treatment in my hair so I was never going to come over but tomorrow I am working from home still, I will have time at lunch. I can definitely go visit him. He wouldn’t have told me that there were no kids, no wife & home alone, assuming he’s not working… This is a deliberate act, a deliberate conversation to get me to beg him. I am usually stubborn but at this point in my life I am not above begging him.  Even if just to see what his vows mean to him – the fact that he’s been chatting to me for almost a month, every single day isn’t against his vows to her. But seeing me, fucking me, looking at me with love in his eyes is all cheating! I tell him that I can separate sex & my feelings. I am not 100% sure of that truth, but I know I need to see him.

“You free today?” The magic words, the words I was waiting for, the words I have been dying to see on my chat. I have basically begged him to see me so I assume that it doesn’t matter now how desperate I sound. I figure I need to be in & out. I tell him I don’t have long as I’ll just be on lunch, I ask him what I should wear & he says that there are a  lot of people home at the moment, due to working from home so I tell him that I will take “Marvel’s Mistress” sign off my car before I get there! He says good girl & shortly after I am on my way to his house, reversing my car out of the driveway, I cannot believe I am doing this. I could turn around & call it off. I swore to myself that I would never go to his house ever again… But here I am, shaking like a leaf out the front of his house… FUCK. Should I go in? I don’t know if my legs will carry me…



As promised on my FB page, I have an announcement or news… Whichever way you want to look at it. I don’t know if you’ll be happy or agree with me… But it’s happening! So I thought a good place to post this news is on the blog so eveyone knows not just my FB followers. Also what better day to make an announcement but on Friday 13th!

So what could I have to announce? That I’m in a relationship? That I’m in love again? That I’m pregnant? That I’ve jumped the fence & dating women? Well all of that you’ll have to keep reading each week to find out… Hahaha. I wouldn’t ruin my blog like that for you all by sharing my dating status before we get there…

So let me preface this by saying I have recently just had a big birthday… In fact I’ve just changed decades. The last decade change scared me, but this one I am oddly calm & ok about. But as you all may know if you read this regularly that one of my tag lines of this blog is that I am a “30 something woman, trying to find love in Adelaide.” well I can’t say 30 something anymore…

As you know, the blog is a year behind, so I can & will continue to write about my 30’s & what I get up too, but this blog will come to an end once I hit my 40th birthday (in the writing timeline), whenever that may be.

I cannot confirm nor deny if I am single or in a relationship at this time – this is a real time post. But I will say this: you will get some closure & loose ends will be tied up before I end it. My final blog post has already been written, I’m just now drafting & writing the events in between where we’re up too & today. I’m not saying I won’t revisit from time to time but I am not going to focus on this anymore. All good things must come to an end at some point.

So you’re not rid of me just yet & I’ll explain more as we get towards the end. I don’t know exactly when that is, but it won’t be long…

Stick around for the final chapters of I’ve been dating for you & see if I finally get to say those words to someone or if there’s a different ending for me.

I’m excited to share eveything this covid year has brought to me…

How would you like it to end?


Marvel #4

There’s a lot of chit chat with him, it’s not like before. I don’t think it will ever be like before, as much as I want it to be. I am not going to get into much details as I have in the past however we talk daily again. We don’t write back as instant as we use to do, I don’t care if I see him chatting in a group & not to me. It bothers me, but I don’t let it work me up like it would have in the past. I am obviously jealous but I have turned back into the stoned hearted woman that I was before I fell in love. (BN – Before Noodle.)

There are some topics with him that intrigue me & I want to share but just know there is a lot missing from this story – but you will get the jist. He tells me that I have turned him on so much he’s going to jerk in the shower, but then says “Was super horny, about to jerk off, then she woke up lol. Had to hide the hard on.” I haven’t be in a relationship for a long time, nor have I had to factor kids, but there would never be a time where my partner had to hid his hard on from me!

I guess the main topic is sex. He keeps saying we can’t fuck again, we’re not allowed too. I remind him that we’ve never been allowed too… He has always been with someone, since when I met him, so this somehow spurs me on. Something switches in me. I do not want to be the other woman ever again, I especially don’t want to be the other woman with him again. However I can’t help myself, I need to see him, I need to see that look in his eyes & I need to know that he still loves me. As soon as I am with him, I will know. I will see.

He’s already think about it, he wants it. I even said I bet that he’s sussed some places at his new work & he tells me to Shhhh. Which means that he has thought about how & where he will be able to fuck me. I know some men think with their cock, I know that he is a liar, but there are somethings people can’t fake. I know he’s not stupid enough to risk it all again, to have an affair for just good sex. But I also know he won’t tell me that he loves him this time around. I will never say it to him, until he says it…

I confide in him about the whole T**y story, I am not sure why but I go into detail about how she called me etc. I think I wanted him to know that I wouldn’t have engaged in a conversation with his wife, just as I tried not to tell T**y’s girlfriend anything in detail. I confirmed the affair, but I didn’t go into detail with her. That was enough. The detail is his responsibility to tell her, not me. I know that if my partner cheated, I wouldn’t want to hear the details from her or her friends on a chat app. I know he would lie to me about it so I would have to decide if I could live with the lies or not. But I wouldn’t rely on the other woman to provide me with details. She is not the one committed to me. She is not the one who has done wrong by me. So I guess I want Marvel to know the story, know what I did.

I feel like we talk but we don’t ever really say anything. He talks a little about his work, I talk about mine. I discuss with him about how bad things are at work. How hard it’s been for me working from home. I know it’s hard for everyone in different ways – of course, I am not pretending I’m the only one with issues during lockdowns but it’s been hard living alone & working alone with a boss calling & setting unrealistic expectations. I talked to a colleague about it to discuss in our team meeting who didn’t back me up. I am more stressed than ever, so you would think talking to Marvel would make things worse but to be honest, this is the most calming this to happen to me. I have my best friend back…

We talk about my fantasies & I remind him that my number one is still spending the entire night with him, I know he wants to write back that it’s his too but he says you can’t hold your farts all night. It makes me laugh, he says that I never farted in front of him so I wouldn’t be able to hold it in. OMG. We’ve known each other almost 4 years now & I’ve never farted in front of him? He’s never farted in front of me either… Is this this his benchmark of an intimate relationship? Once you fart in front of each other, you’re a couple? Hahaha…

I ask him in a manner that doesn’t arouse suspicion from him & just a quick remark saying that he would’ve fucked other people if he could have back when we were having our first affair & I casually add that he probably did. His reply doesn’t surprise me. I know the answer without him having to tell me. “You’re the only one.”

Just over 3 weeks of talking daily, most of the day – like I said not like before but we chat a lot & Marvel is telling me how much he wants to fuck me, we’ve been teasing each other with picture after picture. It always surprises me when he get horny too & sends me pictures or tells me what he would do to me. We usually use a scenario we have done before of course because we can both picture it. It’s fucking hot & I want him. He wants me. Should we fight or it or just give in? When he says we’re not meant to be fucking, I tell him that fucking in the ass or blowjobs are sometimes not considered cheating… I laugh at my own joke, knowing that it is cheating but I fucking want to see if this man is so weak for me that he will see me again… I know he is…

Is this a good idea, is this what I want? Can I remain a cold hearted bitch with no feelings for this guy & just have amazing hot sex? It’s been too long since I was fucked well… I’m torn, I want it but I also don’t know if I can… That fucking addiction of a drug!

I’m already addicted to messaging him, talk about my health, my weight, his weight, his new job, my job, my new hobby & of course sex. This can’t go on like it has & I am not ready for it to end yet. No matter how stupid this is, I am not ready for it to be over.


Marvel #3

So I struggled to write last week, I think I will struggle to get this story out – but you need to hear it… I apologise for the lack of post last week… As I said before this story never gets easier. I am definitely not going to go into as much detail as I have in the past with this him…

Listen to this song while you read!

Now- onto the post, we all know that I am drawn to him like a fucking moth to a flame. I have told you before, he is a drug. I am an addict.

One last hit & then I promise I am done…

Does anyone even believe that?

I admit to him that I have missed talking to him & he tells me that my sister will kill me for chatting to him again – which she probably would but I figure that talking to him is better than not talking to him… If I can have my friend back, I am willing to put my feelings aside & have him in my life, can he do the same? Well in true Marvel style, he avoids the topic. I cheekily send some pics & remind him of how wet I get around him because he refuses to answer. But I have to know… Can we be friends? Does he want that? Does he want to keep talking to me? “Fine we can be friends” this relieves me. I know things will never be the same with him, I mean how many chances do you get with the same guy?

But like he says within 24 hours, I am sending him a video of a vibe inside me – we’ve been arguing about being friends & I am so turned on, that I have walked in the door & to my bedroom, when he says that I can’t cum… As if he still has control over my orgasms, but like the good little girl I am for him, I wait until he allows me… Videoing it & sending him the video which he replies “We can’t fuck but fuck the tension is going to be bad” Could I have no strings sex with him again? I haven’t have a decent fuck since he fucked me last time.

His new thing to say to me about everything though is “No Comment” or “you wish”. While he used to say that to me a lot in the past, he would always back it up with some thing about hot that was or something else he wants to do to me, but now he just says no comment & doesn’t add anything to it.

He says goodbye & that he won’t be on for a few days but sure enough, he’s on every day, even if for a short time… I am not pining for him to come back online, I don’t wait by my phone, while I write back sometimes quicker that I care to admit, I don’t always dash to write back or have that feeling when I’m at work when I can’t reply straight away…

But now I can’t help myself now – I am playing a game with myself, how long will we chat before he’s asking me to fuck him this time? It’s a fucking risky game because I am so sure in my head that I am going to say no if he asks but also how the fuck will I say no?! My vagina & heart are never in sync, my head has no idea what it’s doing… This is a stupid game but I want to play…

I send picture after picture & tell him sexy scenarios – anytime I try to keep the convo friendly he reads my message & doesn’t reply, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used too… I am not as stubborn as I was with him. I see where that got me in the past, no where… While I still know that this isn’t our time & to be perfectly honest, I think our time has past & our relationship won’t ever be the same, but I am desperate to see if the chemistry is still there, if I still love him when I see him – the more & more we talk, the more & more I am sure that we will see each other again… For lunch again or perhaps we’ll have sex… But I know that he is able to physically pull me in. I resisted him emotionally the first time, the second time I was a goner & this time I can put my guard up. It could just be physical. I am not sure I could do that & I am not sure that he will want to see me, but the electricity between us is crackling again via messages… How long can we resist? Will he just disappear?!

This is right in the beginning of the pandemic we call covid 19. Around this time I get the calls from T**y’s girlfriend, I have to shut my little hobby business & we start working from home in my full time job. A fucking pandemic…. He & his wife are essential retail workers so they are business as usual… I am working from home with a neurotic boss calling me every minute to find out what I am doing, that I get no work done.

I never told a lot of people that I was talking again to Marvel, so this is probably news to some of my friends but one of the things that got me through this time, was chatting to Marvel. I was lucky enough to become very close with a friend who I’ve know for so many years, our brothers are actually friends & so we’ve always known each other & lived close. We’d both been going to the same gym & then covid hit, she wasn’t working & I didn’t have an hour commute to work so we were able to go for a walk/jog every day. It was a god send. Being cooped up at home with only your boss calling you wasn’t easy – I’m not saying the working from home, lock down stuff was easy for anyone but yeah it wasn’t easy for me being alone. Having Marvel back in my life literally made things easier. I was able to just forget about all the drama at work, drama with what was happening in the world & just be in my sex talk bubble with Marvel.

When we talk about the second affair & I say that it was 2 months – which it was closer to 3 but I cut it back a bit, he says that it was only 2 weeks… Is he fucking joking? We chatted for 3 months & fucked for 2, he says that we chatted for 2 months & fucked for 2 weeks…

I know for a fact it was more than 2 weeks, I have it all written down in case she does come after me, because lets be honest, if she knew, I’d be dead but nothing fucks me off more now that he thinks we only had an affair for 2 weeks… This may be the way he justifies it in his head. But I remind him of the fact that I saw him at the royal show & we fucked a 2 months later right up until he got married, so that was not only 2 weeks. He finally agrees that it was 4 weeks, but it was 6 however I let it go when he says “Thanks for unblocking my wife & putting up that post BTW” FUCK OFF. Firstly I reply that all my posts are private, I didn’t unblock her & he should fucking tell her to stop stalking me. He tells me to back off from him & not do anything, why don’t I ever get the same courtesy. I tell him that she is blocked & so is he… so I don’t know what he’s talking about. Also my posts are private. So whatever dude. I am fucking over being blamed for ruining his relationship, I am the single one, I am allowed to be online. I am not committed to someone else, lying to them… He says that he’s blocked me on her phone when he got sick of hearing about me. He says that he even got someone else from the chat app (A friend he was close too who I chatted too a bit about him the first time) to look at the post on FB to see if she could see it. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

So we argue about this for a while, but it took me a while but I think I figured out what here. I shared a song from Spotify so I assume when I did that, it made the post public. He suggests that when she changed her surname on FB that it unblocked me. I have no idea, but I know that I didn’t do anything on purpose. Sure I wrote a post & used a song from his favourite band, if she’s stalking my FB page then that’s not my problem! My Facebook is private & I can share whatever the fuck I like on there!!

He tells me that this is why he was reluctant to be friends with me, he said that he felt that I had done it on purpose. As far as I knew, she had stalked my FB page but I had her & him blocked… If she saw something I put on my private FB page, that’s on them. I can’t believe that he’s allowed to show his partner when I live, give out my FB to someone on the chat app to look  up & I’m not allowed to post what I want on my private page. Fucking hell he’s asshole. I am so fucking angry right now that I say that I wish I was nuts. I wish I could get in my car & got to her work, show her that he’s messaging me. When I tell him that I could go nuts, he says please don’t & that I am scaring him. GOOD! But why does this turn me on having a massive fight with him? There is something wrong with me…


Marvel #2

I didn’t even notice but Marvel #1 was my 450th blog! What a milestone… Only seems fitting that he be a milestone blog. Also this posted this morning accidentally with no content! Hahaha. So here is the blog.

So this is a hard story to share, to review the messages & write about it, relive it. I don’t always write as things are happening but sometimes I do, so there is sporadic information I have written & other is from memory or screenshots I have.

This doesn’t spoil anything either, but I also know what happens, good or bad, I know because this was a year ago… So that makes it harder. There are still feelings there for me. I know they are still there for him – I’ll admit they aren’t as strong as they were, but they are there… As stupid as it sounds I can feel it in his replies… I can feel the need he has to want to write back to me & I understand why he didn’t immediately reply when I messaged earlier in the week. I hurt him. He hurt me. He’s trying to protect us both, I just need to see this through. One thing about this man, was he was not only my lover – the best & only lover I’ve ever had, he was my best friend, I told him almost everything about me. He got me, he got my personality. He got my sense of humor. He supported me, told me the truth & looked at my like I was the sexiest woman on the planet.

Let’s not forget the chemistry I had with him it’s hard to forget. It’s a drug. The love I had for this man is a drug too, but the chemistry, that physical attraction is unparalleled. Unless you’ve felt it, honestly really felt that feeling, you cannot judge this story. There is wanting someone & there is a need to have someone, this is more than a want, this is more than a need.

So Marvel & I fall back into a daily chat again… This isn’t healthy – I know he would say that to me if he gets the chance. The next day he asks me if my network of spies tell me yet. He’s joined groups again. I don’t care if he is in groups, I only care if he chats to me – I need that right now, I want it right now. MY life is falling apart professionally & I want Marvel to know everything that has happened in the last 5 months since I ended it & since he got married. Oh yes, I need to remember that this man said “till death do us part” to someone who blackmailed him & to someone he loves – I don’t deny that – but to someone he doesn’t truly love either.

He says that I never answered his question about being friends, I ask when because we just agreed yesterday that we would be friends. I am so glad he agreed to being friends. He clarifies that he asked me last year. This needy moment from him – reminds me he’s still in love with me. But I told him last year I wanted to be his friend. I want him in my life, I know it’s fucked but I want it. I tell him that all he wrote to me was I hope we can still be friends & that he would message when he could. I never replied to that – I mean I had sent a video pouring my heart out & that’s all he said, knowing that he was getting married 4 days later. He said because I didn’t reply to that he said to him self “fuck you” & was said he was being a stubborn cunt & wouldn’t write back to me. We’re both stubborn. I was waiting for him to “message when he could” I never got another message so I was being stubborn too… How fucked up are we. Though things happen for a reason I guess, what would have happened if I rocked up to see him & he was suddenly wearing a wedding ring? A wedding ring I so desperately wanted to put on his finger, the only man I’ve ever wanted to marry & he would have one from her. Or would he take it off to see me? Would he hide the wedding photos before I got to his house to fuck him on their couch?

I hate this topic, thinking about what we could have been & telling him how much I cried over him. So I send him pictures from when we were together the first time & he sends me the first dick pic of the chat… That was quick! We’ve been chatting for less than 2 days & I’ve already made him hard enough to send me a dick pic. Then I can’t help myself – I ask if he still uses me to jerk off too & he says that he does. I can’t help but smile. He could easily lie & say no, I know it wouldn’t be true but the fact he told me the truth, makes me smile more than it should.

An odd conversation comes up though about this woman who lives on my street. So she apparently works with his wife, but she also runs a beauty business from home too, his wife went there & apparently this woman knows all about my sex life & told his wife. The story doesn’t add up to me. How would anyone know anything about my sex life unless they read my blog, I am anonymous on my blog so no one would know who I am. He tells me that his wife openly tells everyone he had an affair. With my beauty business, I used a different number, I didn’t put my street address on the pages. No one would know who I was & couldn’t put 2 & 2 together, I was super careful about that. He tells me his wife told this other woman who has a beauty business on my street my house number & to look out for his car at my house. What the actual fuck! I ask him why she would marry him if she’s got people on the look out for him. He says he doesn’t know… but this whole story sounds fishy to me. How could anyone know it’s me? He says he knows nothing more but it doesn’t make any sense to me… He says “my wifes exact txt message was your ex gf runs a beauty business” I question more & he says that she doesn’t know the name of the hobby business, but that she knows I have a hobby… I probe him for answers but he says that he never listened when she talked about it which apparently she did for ages – I mean why would you even text your husband to tell him anything about his ex, I would want him to forget her.

When Marvel blames Sweetie for going to this beauty lady & telling her everything about my sex life. I ask Sweetie in random message as I haven’t spoken to her in a while, but she denies it… This story doesn’t make sense… Why are people in my street talking about my sex life & how do they know? Yeah I know I post a lot on this blog, but a random person on my street couldn’t put this blog, my hobby business & my address all in the same basket. Also I hate that people are talking about me, talking about my private life. Because if this woman was reading my blog, I’m certain his wife would have it, I know he would read it too as she wouldn’t keep it in & I highly doubt he’d be talking to me now…

Something is very fucking fishy here! Oddly I have had random people book in for 3 hour appointments obviously after I’ve work 9-5 at my main job & then I come home to do this hobby, but when the people don’t rock up or ask me really weirdo questions – I am now wondering, was it her?! Is she playing with me to waste my time? I guess we’re all fucked up in our own way…



So have you worked it out? Do you remember who Marvel is?!

A friend on the chat app (who has never rated a mention so I haven’t nicknamed him) tells me that Marvel is back online. I don’t believe it until I get sent his photo of him doing the live picture entry to get into the group, you have to suck you thumb to prove you’re real. There is his face. OMG my heart sinks… His fucking face… He’s looking a lot chubbier than I remember – much like his wedding photo I saw only 2 months before, but it’s him. His face that is so attractive to me, why is he so attractive… I can’t believe this… Have you guessed it yet… It’s fucking Noodle! It’s mother fucking Noodle. On my turf, again!

It’s only been 5 months since he got married & he’s already back online?! Surely not… But the picture proves it… I don’t know what to do. This doesn’t make any sense… So one thing about this, is that he’s using the account that he created at the beginning of our second affair – the one he catfished me on, the one he created to stalk me so I didn’t know… So this tells me that he wants me to know who he is, if I see him joining groups etc. If he didn’t want me to know, he would have created another account & pretended he was someone else & I would never know he was back online… However the friends I have would have told me anyway if he joined with a new profile & when he did the live pic thing, I’m sure someone would have told me…

I decide to not do anything though, as much as I want too, I even tell the other guy that I won’t… I mean I am hurt still, I am not over him… This hurts me too knowing he’s back online… I can tell you though,  I am not as in love with him as I was, but I do still love him – I don’t think that will ever go away, no matter how much he hurts me, it’s always been unattainable so it hurts, but I still want it. I can’t help it – as much as I try, I cannot stop loving him. This time this information doesn’t stop me from eating – that’s the only reason I know it’s different. I know I am different. I have grown from the previous experiences.

He joins on the Friday, I do toy with the idea of using a fake account to play with him – like he once did with me but I know that will just do my head in – I don’t need to know what he writes to other people, I know he likes to chat, I know he likes to be cheeky, I know he likes to flirt…. I need to talk to him as me or not talk to him at all. It’s that simple. I am no catfish… I would only ever chat to him as me or not at all, he knows that about me (whether he believes it or not, he knows I am not like that.) I think it, but I wouldn’t do it.

I wait till Tuesday night when I am level headed – maybe I’m unhinged, I don’t know, I send him several messages & get nothing back. “Imagine my surprise to be told several times that you’re back on here & quite active, only 5 months after saying to me I’ll chat to you when I can & then getting married 4 days later.” I can see that he’s been online because of the little greyed out d but he doesn’t look at any of my messages, which fucks me off & makes me so angry.

Finally I just write “Just reply to me Marvel,” he leaves some groups & I am told that too.. I never thought he would just ignore me, I even say that. I tell J-lo that if he doesn’t write back to me today, I am going to text his mobile number when I know that she is home so my number comes up on his phone. I am so fucking done being ignored by this guy.

He writes back saying that he’s stayed clear of me & that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea that we chat – is he fucking kidding me? Steered clear of me how?! He’s on the chat app, he could be anywhere else, he could have created a new account. But he’s on here & he’s being obvious about it. He tells me that he has no intention of cheating, that he’s a terrible friend & terrible partner that I shouldn’t miss him. I tell him that I feel like a fool for messaging him at Christmas & new years thinking that he was still thinking of me, not realising that he married her, 4 days after I said goodbye for the second time. I ask why he married her & he simply says “Mother of my kids” WOW so heartfelt, I know he has no empathy or compassion but really… I am so angry & drill him, which makes him turn the conversation to me fucking other men & my dating – because he thinks I’ve fucked everyone again. He tells me that he never wanted to fuck me the second time & I laugh & say “your face at Hungry Jacks told me a different story!” He asks if I want to chat him or not & my heart wrenches… I do. But then he says that he can’t be my best friend or my lover, which I know… Could I even see him again this time?!

I tell him I started a little hobby business, something I wanted to tell my best friend since the moment I started it & he says that he already knows… WHAT? How? He says his wife knows because someone on my street works with her… OH FUCK. Like Adelaide is ridiculous!

He asks me to promise that I won’t tell anyone that we’re talking… Believe me, if I told people, they would kill me… They saw how destroyed I was, both times. What could he do to me this time?!

He tells me he’s finally got a job, it took him a while & he’s gone back to retail, part time. I know this is a kick to his self esteem & another reason why he would think he’s not good enough for me. He bitches about he fact that I won’t tell him who told me that he’s back online, he says he doesn’t like people knowing his business – well do you think I like the fact that his wife is talking about me & telling people who live in my street about my little hobby business? So I know now that when I got all these weird messages, it was probably her playing with me. I hope not but now I know she knows about the business, I’m sure she would have. He tells me that someone told him that I fucked cowboy – someone he hates, he says when I question him “that it came up in conversation” but omg he is pissed that someone told me that he was back online. I mean someone is talking abut my sex life, all anyone has said to me is that he’s back online. How can he even be angry at me right now…

When he starts to really piss me off I simply say “does your wife know we fucked 10 days before your wedding on her couch?” & he tells me that he’ll be quiet about it. He doesn’t see the difference, someone is talking on the chat app about people I have had sex with. Everyone knows I used to fuck Noodle as he told everyone when he left the chat app the first time – he made it perfectly clear. It’s ridiculous… I can’t believe he’s angry at me about this! He says that he asked me specifically not to fuck one guy, “one single person on the chat app” I get why he’s hurt about that, I hated myself for it afterwards as you all know. However he can’t see that everything he’s done to me has been way worse… Fuck he’s so self-involved.  He says good bye saying he’ll chat soon & I agree that I want to chat with him… Do I want to chat with him again?! As it is, I finally got him to reply to me today & we’ve chatted all day, every second that we could… Mainly as a fight but we were chatting – so easily…

SIDE NOTE– So one of the reasons why I have been struggling to write, is that I knew this story was coming up & this story is very difficult to write… I really don’t want to go back through the messages (yes I’ve screenshotted every single chat with him) & have to relieve everything thing we ever said, remember this is all a year ago now & it’s very difficult for me to keep travelling back to this epic love story gone wrong. But I do want you to read it… But please bear with me if I can’t get a blog post done!

So I’ll ask you… -Do you want to hear what happens next with this story?


Dom Dom #4

At this point, I haven’t spoken to Dom Dom in a little while but he pops up every now & then, we chat, he tries to phone sex with me, I am not always into it, I think he realises that something is up with me – why I’m not interested or getting involved & so then he disappears for a while.

I’m sitting at home one Saturday afternoon when he asks what I’m doing. I say nothing, because that’s true. Next minute he’s on his way to my house saying that he’s in the area. I don’t know what it is about this guy, before Milky, Dom Dom was probably the most influential in my sex life, however I hadn’t ever actually met him until recently. But when he comes over, as much as I want to see him, I also don’t… I know he also reads these blogs so I will be honest – I’ve told him not to read but one thing about this guy is hard for me to say knowing he reads, but I always give you honesty. This guy as you know is married. He’s not leaving his wife either. He is also very dominant, which I love. But is always on his terms. His time schedule. I used to run late for work because he would call me for phone sex, then he’d hang up like I meant nothing & would say later he had to go to work or someone came up to his car – there is always an excuse, he’s done, he hangs up. Of course I’ve cum too but it’s always on his terms. I fucking hate that. When do I get a change to be the one calling the shots?

Anyway this Saturday he rocks up to my house, he sits on my couch, again I am just still heart broken & unlike last time, I am trying not to fill that void with meaningless sex. But there is also a pull with this man too, he has something over me. I don’t know what it is but he has it. A connection I seem to only find with married men.

I end up sucking his dick but I refuse to have sex with him, as he leaves – once he’s done I fucking hate myself. I have been dicked around by man after man & here I am still trying to get over someone & here is another dude just messing with me, just using me.

After the whole T**y debacle I am in a really low place, lower than I think I have ever been, I mean I knew men lied & I know they lie to their partners, I am not stupid but his lies to me were next level. I haven’t experienced lies like that before. Dom Dom is chatting sporadically as he does, he decides that we need to see each other in the city. I don’t even know where, he keeps suggesting club x, but I refuse to go. I don’t know what’s worse, where we do meet or club x?! Because of how low I am, the last person I had sex with at this point is T**y, the lying fucktard so I agree to meet with Dom Dom after much persuasion from him.

We meet in public toilet, one of those smart loos, he’s in there when I arrive, thinking why the fuck am I doing this… We’ve chatted on the phone my whole drive, he’s made me take off my panties & show him. I admit that it turns me on but I still have this voice inside my head telling me not to go, but my vagina telling me to go & get it some action.

As soon as I walk in & the door locks, I am grabbed & kissed. We kiss for a while, he then pushes me down to suck his cock, I do not want to kneel on a foul toilet floor so I don’t. When we have sex with a condom, from behind, me bent over touching the wall, I am thinking that I am never going to cum from this, public sex was fun with Silverlining, but this isn’t that… This isn’t that can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other type of chemistry that makes me want to fuck in a public space. So when Dom Dom surprises me with my ultimate fantasy – that not many people know, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it much here, but I want a threesome with Silverlining & Dom Dom. I wanted it when I was with Silverlining the first time & I still do. Two men I trust that won’t do anything I didn’t want them too – however it would be a bit of a pissing contest as I know Silverlining would want to be in charge but wouldn’t want to look like a dickhead in front of me or another guy, so when Dom Dom starts saying to me while fucking me “You know you want Silverlining in your ass & me in your mouth, fucking you at the same time” He keeps talking so dirty to me about what the two of them would do to me that I imagine Silverlining is there with me & I cum pretty hard, it’s probably the hardest I’ve ever cum with another guy who wasn’t Silverlining.

As we’re leaving the public toilets, his phone rings & he says it’s his wife, so he scurries off, leaving me without a kiss goodbye, without the thought of how I might be feeling after that… I guess I don’t have to matter to him really, I mean I am just a piece of ass – I know he says we’re friends but lets face it, the guy lies to the woman he loves every day, so what makes me think that he’s honest with me!?

I try to explain to him a few months later about how I felt when Dom Dom actually asks me if he’s done something wrong & why I haven’t made time to have phone sex, why I don’t just want to watch him jerk off while I sit there trying to be interested… Because I want more than that… I deserve more than that. I don’t want him to leave his wife for me, but I don’t want to be the side piece that always gets hung up on & forgotten about. I am not sure if he even understands how that feels… I still don’t even know if he really gets it… I don’t think he’ll ever truly get it…

A week or so after I fuck Dom Dom in a public toilet in the city, my gut wrenches…. He’s back… Do you remember who Marvel is?! OOOOH, I love a good bit of intrigue! Hahaha… He’s back… He’s mother-fucking back!



I am going to be brutally honest & this post probably won’t even be 500 words! What a way to spoil it! Hahaha. Sorry.

I have limited notes so most of this is just memory but I need you to hear these stories… This happened shortly before I ended things with Silverlining. I was chatting to Tattoo online a fair bit & we were getting along so we decided to meet for a drink.

Why does chatting online come so easily with some men, its funny, cheeky, even easy & so you start planning your life with these men thinking about how they’re going to fit in your life, yet you’ve not even met them… Does anyone else do this?

When Tattoo & I meet, he’s British – you all know I love this. He’s covered in tattoos – not an issue for me, I have 7 myself but mine all aren’t on show, all hidden. But he’s also bald – which you all know I don’t love. He spends a lot of time telling me about his tattoos & what they mean, I’m pretty sure there were actual sea creatures, not just cartoons or artist impressions, they were actual sea creatures like from a science book. He talks a lot about his work & how much he earns, saying he earns over $120k for the job he does is probably fucking bullshit – I can’t remember what he did but I remember thinking I’m either underpaid, he’s overpaid or lying. Probably the latter!

We met at a pub I seem to have every first date at, the staff there must see me with a different guy every few months & think I’m a prostitute or something. Hahaha. The date goes ok, as we sit there, chatting & laughing, I know I am not 100% invested in this guy, however like always I am open to a second date, you know – to give them a go. FFS.

I’d had a couple of wines & he’d had a few drinks, when we go to leave he says he didn’t drive there & he’ll wait around for a Uber home. Before I even know what I’ve said I offer to drive him home. WTF #IBD4U. Why would you offer to drop this weirdo home… (he’s not a weirdo but I mean he’s a stranger – then again you have let men stick their dick in you after a short date… Maybe this isn’t that bad!) His suburb is a little further away than mine but I drop him off anyway. As I pull up at his house & park, he does ask me inside which I say no it’s late blah blah blah in a school night, so he leans over & kisses me goodbye. Quite a long passionate kiss. He says that he has a great night & asks to do it again. I say my standard yes.

The next day I receive a message from him, telling me that he had a good time but he doesn’t want to take it any further with me… OK. So at least one thing I realised is that while I say the standard yes to seeing them again, they are doing the obligatory hope to see you again speech. I just never thought anyone would ever use it on me, I’ve been ghosted so much, I just assumed people would do that if they didn’t want to see you…

So another one bites the dust hurting my feelings without even trying… Soon after this things are over with Silverlining & I try to date some other men… Look how well that turns out!

Well look at that – I did get 500 words out of this date!



Ah so we’re still around the end of 2019, I meet a man online who I have mutual friends with on Facebook. I actually work with his cousin & have a friend in common too, you may remember Shark, this guy, Comedy is also friends with him too… That’s Adelaide for you. Comedy isn’t exactly my type but to be honest, I don’t know what my type is. I mean I used to always want someone with blonde hair & blue eyes, just like me. However every single guy I date is pretty much brown hair, brown eyes & usually with a beard… I mean I hate beards. Yet the guy I love has one? So yeah he wasn’t even my typical type & yet somehow I fell for him too. This guy Comedy is fair with blue eyes, so perhaps this is why he’s been sent to me? Perhaps he is my type?

Also he knows people I know so he can’t be a complete douche? But then why haven’t people tried to set me up if he’s single? Well I’ll tell you why… We chat for a bit & then decide to meet, we meet for a drink at a pub, closer to me than him but he lives way out north in whoop whoop but he says that he doesn’t mind driving to meet me… It’s a Sunday afternoon, I know I will have to go home & have family dinner soon, so we won’t get long anyway.

Comedy tells me about how he has two kids & also tells me that his ex has done a number on him, not going into full details but he gave me enough information for me to realise that he is not over her or what happened. He also reveals that he’s not looking for a relationship – well what the fuck are we doing here? Why date if you don’t want a relationship? Don’t you just try to fuck them after a few drinks? Not meet them on a Sunday afternoon!

So I sit though the date doing what I usually do & avoid talking about my past, knowing that there is no point being here today… I mean I am not saying he has to want to be in a relationship with me or that I am looking for one as such while my heart is still shattered, but I know I don’t want to waste time with someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Been there – done that! This blog is a testament to that. Hahaha.

Anyway he contacts me after the date & asks to go to a comedy show, I have nothing better to do, so I decide to go along. We can be friends. We meet for a drink & a comedy show after work one night & it’s a good night, a little awkward as I know his feelings haven’t changed & so I keep him at distance. I am not certain what I am looking for but I know I don’t need another emotionally unavailable man in my life. I don’t want to get hurt again & I don’t want to put myself in a position again when I could fall for someone who can’t/won’t fall for me.

He keeps the conversation going online after the date & we arrange to meet for another comedy show & dinner, after work again on a weeknight however, this night I am starting to get a sore throat & I don’t want to cancel since we had tickets, but at the end of the night when we’re standing at my car, I get the feeling he is going to try to kiss me… To be honest, my throat isn’t that sore & it actually never eventuated into anything, however, knowing how far away this guys lives from me – like over an hour & a half away plus the fact that he doesn’t want another relationship, I am keeping myself emotionally unavailable to him. I mean lets face it, I am emotionally unavailable to everyone at this point, but I have a guard up with this guy. So I pull away from the kiss & tell him that I don’t want to get him sick. He genuinely looks upset & I never want to see that look on a guys face ever again.

After that date, we chat a little, he messages me for my birthday & we talk about going to another comedy show again – as that’s the thing we had in common & lets face it who doesn’t love a comedy show?!

But a few months later – I see his profile picture has changed on Facebook & what do you know… It’s a stunning woman looking all gooey eyed with him…WHAT THE FUCK. He was so adamant about not wanting to be in another relationship ever again – EVER, like so much so that I was taken back by the way he was so forceful about it, yet he was on a dating app, matching with people a million miles away from him…  

He’d even told me about a woman he was seeing just before me who he’s now just friends with but she wants more & he refuses to give her more so she’s stopped seeing him – or something like that… I don’t blame her & I thank him for his honesty on the date, but this shit fucks me off…

I kept this man at a distance & never got to really know him or give either of us a chance because of what he’d said & now look, he’s got a fucking gorgeous girlfriend… Where am I? Still dating absolute fuckwits… I just want to scream….


Froth & Fodder

This isn’t going to be a long one, for a long weekend, you should have a good long blog, but sorry this is not it! Spoiler alert!

I meet this guy online & my first instinct is that I am not instantly attracted but I’ve been told sometimes it takes a while to build that chemistry & attraction – well not in my experience, I mean I had an instant connection online with you know who & when I met him in person the sparks flew, the electricity crackled.. I think that’s very rare… Or very rare for me anyway.

I chat to this guy for a short time but to be honest we barely chat before he’s asking me out on a date. For something different, we meet before work for breakfast… A week day date that is completely out of the norm for me, so I think this is isn’t going to be that bad, this could be fun, this could be the one…

Oh fuck I love the beginning of things & also loathe myself for having these thoughts… When we get to breakfast, it’s early in the morning, the place we’ve chosen isn’t packed but there is no where to sit but outside of hipster stools.

He’s very tall, like lanky tall, really blonde hair – like almost an albino looking guy & looks pretty much like his pictures – which makes me think instantly that I am not really attracted. Most guys I meet look nothing like their pictures.

The conversation rapidly gets staler than a loaf of bread left out on the bench & I find it so difficult to even seem interested in my while I eat my overly expensive smashed avocado & poached eggs. We literally talk about his business – he’s a developer or something, honestly his monotone voice makes me tune out but I sit there looking interested & asking lots of questions. He asks about my work & my hobby business but it’s forced. This whole date feels forced… Is it the breakfast style date or is it the company?

This will come a complete shock to you all (not) I never message this guy ever again & I know I’m never going to hear from him again either, which I don’t… However I still wonder what the fuck I could have done to not get a message from him.

This always intrigues me, so many people tell me I am beautiful, I look like my pictures, my dry sense of humour & personality is the same over text as it is in person, yet people tell me I’m fussy… I just went on a boring date after boring date with losers & I’m the one who doesn’t get a text message?!

Anyway sorry for the short blog, my notes were very vague on this one but I think it’s important you see how many actually fucking dates I go on to truly understand me!

Have a great weekend, until next blog!


Milky #12

Do we all remember Milky? If you’re a regular reader you might remember him… You can go back & read the story but his story crosses over with others & is a little complicated, so if you don’t have time for that, I’ll sum up a little bit about Milky for you…

Firstly I have to admit that while Milky was only in my life for a short time, albeit twice, he also was one of my biggest sexual influences… He wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had now, but he was at the time the top sexual partner I had. Others have surpassed him at this point in my story but he really showed me a thing or two about fucking up until that time.

Milky was the one who showed me a little kink, spanking & tying me up. He took me to my first rope week show where I sat in awe of what was happening on stage, never knowing that a few years later I would be hanging out with these people… Milky was also my first real FWB. He was the first person that I was comfortable to hang around & I wasn’t constantly thinking – where is this going. Until I thought I wanted more & called it off when he didn’t feel the same. He was sort of – as one of my friends puts it – my sexual awakening. He showed me that there was a lot more to sex than just laying on your back & pretending to cum so it was over…

The second time with Milky, I knew I wasn’t interested in him romantically but he was an actual FWB until he fucked it up by wanting to fuck my other FWB’s wife. Which he did & treated her poorly & so I never saw him again after that… However the mother fucker is back!

My life is very interesting, I guess I am always on the chat app so people come & go, I allow people to walk in & out of my life, so I get that I am part at fault here but seriously, how many times does a guy need to come back into my life & still not want to date me!? FFS.

This is honestly another example of why my heart is broken & remains broken… If you’ve ever had a broken heart & still think love is out there for you, but love kicks your ass every time you chat to someone – no matter where you find them (for those who say I’m looking in the wrong places) or even when I am not looking, like now, somehow Milky returns to my life & chats as if nothing has happened, as if no time has passed. I do like that he’s just sort of picked up where we left off, that it’s like no time has passed, that is the sign that he truly was a proper FWB. Probably one of the only functioning FWB I’ve ever really had.

We actually talk about what happened with Sweetie & look, it may have all been a misunderstanding. Regardless of what happened with Sweetie & Max, there was no way Milky & I stood a chance once Noodle came into the picture. I cut everyone else out. I had something with Noodle that I never had with anyone else before. But now Milky is back, there is no Noodle perhaps this could be the time for him. However something sparks in me to look at Milky’s fetlife account & he still has pictures of his girlfriend up there. Now fetlife for some is as update as their Facebook. If you’re like me, it’s not & I still have things of Noodle up there, so I just casually ask if he has a girlfriend still. When he says yes, I’m ot surprised but do no want to get back into being in a three way thing again, I ask if they’re open though & he says that they used to be but now they’re not. I tell him to get off the fucking chat app & he says that she doesn’t know he’s on there but she doesn’t want sex as much as she used too so he’s just looking for something on the side… OMG not this old chestnut…

I know I have been the mistress before & I have been the second partner in a poly type thing before but fucking hell, when do I get to be girlfriend number one for once?! To be frank with you I end the communication with him shortly after this revelation.

Just another example why my heart hurts, why it’s so difficult for my heart to repair. I know this post is less than 1000 words (as are the other shorter ones recently), but remember in actual real time, I am chatting to these people virtually non stop for a week or two – sometimes even longer, during such time I am sticky taping my dream wedding back together in my head – genuinely thinking that this could be how my story ends… This could be the man I have been dating for… When it all comes crumbing down around me again, I think to myself ‘how much more of this bullshit can I handle?!’


Rope #3

Another shorter post of you… You’ll remember at the end of the previous post I said “this is what the universe gives me when I try to move on.” At this time we not only have Covid-19 shutting everything down, we are starting to work from home. Remember I live alone with my anti social 14 year old cat. While working from home seemed like a great idea & I couldn’t wait, I am isolated even more without the social aspect of going into work everyday. Things aren’t good for me prior to this anyway at work. My hobby business is shut down, making me homebound even more. I know it sucked for everyone, I’m not saying I was worse off than others, I am just trying to explain for those living alone, there were some days I didn’t even open my mouth to speak… It’s an odd feeling you know, when you realise you didn’t utter a single word to another human being all day & not by choice.

This is very sadly for me the last I ever interact with rope in this way… It was something I enjoyed, it was something that I liked because it was the only time in my day when my mind just completely switched off & I thought of nothing when I was being tied. I didn’t think about boys, I didn’t think about work troubles or money woes. My mind for the first time ever was completely blank when I was participating in rope workshops or classes. Covid-19 obviously had a lot to do with it being over for me, I mean shortly after this everything was closed down anyway for a period, then when they reopened it was almost like they did it to exclude people they didn’t want in their elite club, you couldn’t attend unless you had a partner. They wouldn’t pair singles anymore… Also ironically after this I never get an email to renew my membership so I never go back even after covid. But by this time I have my little hobby beauty business to keep me occupied – but of course it was shut down for 3 months.

Boss posts on Facebook for someone to do classes with as his partner is pregnant & so she can’t do it. I say I am free & he messages me & says that he thought of me & wondered if I was free on the weekends of the fringe & so I agree. This year I decide not to go to any of the shows, not really knowing anyone or feeling welcome anyway. I mean I am tying/roping with one most respected rope people in Adelaide & yet somehow it is still awkward as fuck. Even people I was good friends with don’t even acknowledge my presence. I spend the lunch breaks alone, feeling awkward as they go as a group to buy lunch, excluding me from the opportunity to eat with them…

Look I am not saying everyone has to like me just because I think I am wonderful (Bahaha) but there is being polite & there is just plain fucking rude. To be honest the air was toxic & I wouldn’t have hung around for lunch with them but they literally went out, got lunch from the supermarket & made it in front of me. Is that weird or am I being too sensitive here?! I still don’t know why this group hates me so, even though others know. I assume I’ll never find out.

Anyway I enjoy the rope part, but I don’t enjoy the driving to Port Adelaide everyday & feeling like an outsider but the rope part pushes me to some limits I didn’t know I could go too… I had lost more weight recently with work issues that I was fitter than I had ever been. I wasn’t as self-conscious & was really able to let go & enjoy being tied up. I’m sad that chapter is over, it’s a bit of a bittersweet ending to something I liked to do. But I have enough negativity in my life, I don’t need more.

I leave the Facebook rope & kink groups & as you know, I never get an email inviting me to renew my membership. I leave that all behind. I even delete my fetlife account, knowing that Silverlining doesn’t have his anymore & knowing that I just don’t feel like I am going to find someone ever again that I will enjoy this level of kink with….

More hurt washes over me, I know that Silverlining wouldn’t be interested in rope but it when stuff like this happens. I get so sad… Combined with the crazy world around us that was 2020, I am barely holding anything together…

I am not going to wait around for these people to see the real me, if they’re all going to let something that happened at a party a year ago define what they think of me, when everyone is to gutless to confront me about it, I am done with this group of people, I will not let them hurt my feelings anymore.



I’m going to do a few short posts in the next few releases of blogs as I have a few little stories to get out… So I may post on random days not just Sunday’s as I have been – It will always be a Friday, Sunday or Tuesday but keep an eye out! Or better yet, subscribe via email & it’ll come straight to your inbox.

So while these little stories don’t seem significant, just wait to you read the end of this one & keep in mind I actually had to live through this in real time… This is why these stories are significant to things that happen, happened & what my thought process is…

So lets get back to some things that crossed over my timeline with T**y & also at the end of 2019. All the root cause for me saying I’m not dating in 2020. However I am still not 100% sure how or if I am going to go into details about 2020 & 2021 – I really need a consultant to help me make some decisions… Hahaha! I did post on Facebook & you all said to write as if I would if no one were reading, so I will do my best for you all!

This dude – Baker, I’m chatting to on a dating site & he seems a bit younger but when we talk about our histories to do with being overweight, we seem to find stuff in common, so we chat easily.

He’s a baker (As if you didn’t already know that! Hahaha) he is already home from work messaging me saying he should go to sleep, that he’s been awake at work all night. But I am out north side of town for work, when we’re messaging & I tell him I am looking for somewhere to go for lunch & he says that he’ll come meet me… WELL FUCK. I am in a shopping complex not in a date outfit but a more dressy than my usual work outfits, a white long French Connection skirt & navy no brand top, I’ve actually done my makeup today – which is also unusual, so I look good, I feel good so I think why the hell not. I like to meet people quickly so I don’t start dreaming up our relationship in my head. We’ve only been chatting a few days so it’s fairly new & interesting, I am not out north a lot, nor do I have time for lunch breaks often so I think this is the perfect opportunity & if it goes badly, then I have an out as I have to get back to work!

We meet in a café, but he’s late & so I happen to get out my work laptop & do some work while waiting. I look pretentious, it’s not something I do often but I have work to do. When he arrives, only a couple of minutes late, I struggle to put my laptop away & look at the menu, then going up to order. It’s always awkward in a café, who pays… I am first so I just pay for my own & sit back down. I get a big breakfast like a fat bitch & he gets loaded fries – which he barely eats any of & I basically finish mine as I love a good breakfast platter for lunch!

Maybe the sight of a woman actually eating turned him off or maybe because he was tired – even though he rocked up looking like he is a homeless person saying he’s going on a hike, but this guy could not be less interested to chat to me on this date. He does talk about smoking weed, which isn’t my thing so maybe he’s just stoned?! I don’t know what it is but I give up trying to have a conversation with him & just let the silence be awkward while we eat. This is when he realises that I am doing all the talking & when I shut my mouth he sort of tries to have a reasonable conversation but I can tell he is either stoned, doesn’t care about this date or both. I realise that I don’t care either, I shouldn’t even be on this date. He’s a bore & I’m clearly not his type. That’s fine I am not hurt about it but I make the excuse that I need to get back to work he talks about a going on a hike. He walks me halfway to my car then says he has to go another way, so I just wave goodbye, knowing there is no chemistry with this guy, not even a tiny spark.

I never hear from him again & I never message him either… No love lost. But as I walk away, my heart aches. If fucking aches. Not for this guy of course… This guy is nothing to me. Just another story to tell you all about why & how I am still so fucking in love with Silverlining… This is what the universe gives me when I try to move on, when I try to forget him… I get some dickhead that can’t even act interested in me when on a date…


T**y #7

I don’t want to dwell on this story, we all know that it doesn’t end well, right? I mean the psychic had it very FUCKING wrong. Well, maybe she didn’t because this guy’s name isn’t actually T**y. I am not sure what pisses me off more, the fact that this guy lied to me, or that fact that I used this pseudonym for a douche not named T**y?!

So I’m going to do something unusual for me & lets get this story over with & stop wasting our time with a douche, however in real time, I spent another month or so with this story… So I’ll give you the abridged version because honestly none of this deserves our time. First to set you straight, I never get any money from him. I don’t think I would have taken it anyway, I’m not that type of person but it was interesting seeing the poll on Facebook. But I never get the chance to reject it even though I told him I wanted $2k to keep my mouth shut as a joke. Hahaha…

The following week I see him & he brings back my blanket, he seriously has ADHD & he says that his partner say that to him a lot too… Ok so now he’s comfortable enough to talk about her with me. He tells me bullshit about liking talking to me & being able to talk about her with me, which he tells me a lot about how he’s a nurse, I already know what she looks like, she’s not a slim as I thought he would be with but she is the porcelain doll made up look in every photo on Facebook – the look literally every guy I’ve ever been with ends up with after me.

This night, not only does he bring a plate of food, mash potato, meat & veg on a plate with no glad wrap, that he’s driven to my house plus a stein & cutlery, T**y eats his dinner at my kitchen bench while we chat & drink some beer. I am so short & curt with him, all I want is my blanket back & for this dude to get out of my life. However loneliness & heartbreak will do weird things to you. I actually like this guy if you put the lies aside. He’s funny, easy to talk to & taking up some of my mental space to stop me overthinking.

He decides to start moving my things around to redecorate my house, moving plants & nick nacks, which I just follow him around & put them back where they were as we all know his styling is fucking batshit crazy! So I tell him to stop & he wants to go for a drive, I am not driving as I have had a couple of drinks. To be honest, when I look back he shouldn’t have been driving, but when he says he has her car, I say absolutely not. First, one thing I am always reminded of is my smell. Silverlining always was worried about my smell lingering, I got self-conscious to the point I was thinking I stink like shit, but Silverlining says it was my perfume that he likes it but he smells it on himself later even after he’s showered. (Yes my signature smell has worked!) T** y & I don’t go for a drive, which is a good idea & then as he leaves, with no sex, he tells me that he’ll message tomorrow.

The next morning in a small foggy haze of a hangover, I realise the mother fucker has left his plate, stein & fork in my sink. I put them in the dishwasher & wait for the message that never ever comes. I can’t even be bothered but they sit on my bench for over a week when we finally arrange to catch up. He has a new car. His house has sold & he has the money (I am not sure how he got the money so quickly but I don’t even care or ask) of course I never see any of it. We hang out & chat, we do go for a drive in his new car, when he drops me off he doesn’t come inside & I’ve made sure that he has his crap off my bench. Again as I get out the car, I give him a quick kiss, he says he’ll message but I never hear from him again.

That was the last time I ever saw him… Like Jack slipping away into the Atlantic ocean from the sinking of the titanic, I felt T**y slip away… Not a bad thing, but I am lonely…

Well you think that is the end?! You’re very mistaken!

Of course what is a story from #IBD4U without a little drama… I mean ghosting, pfft, that’s what men do all the time. So what does T**y do? Leaves his phone out for his girlfriend to find, doesn’t he?! Yes you guessed it, T**y starts messaging me one day, but the messages are weird & I sense that something isn’t right. When he starts asking what he’s done wrong when I call him an idiot & then she reveals it’s her texting & sends me another number to text, I tell them to leave me out of their games & put my phone down. These people have screws loose & I don’t want to be part of it anymore.

I am not messaging the number whoever is texting me gave me, I figure that she now has my number, if she wants to message me, then she can but otherwise I am out of this equation… Seriously, can my life be any more ridiculous?!

I’m not sure if I mentioned this but during the time I ended things with Silverlining (AKA the second affair) but before I met T**y I swore off dating, so I threw myself into learning some new skills doing eyelash extensions to keep my mind busy. Also during this time, much to my psychologist disgust, I get addicted to a farm game on my phone as well. Both these hobbies get me through some tough stuff at work & help me though the loneliness of not having anyone to talk to about the shit going on. So as any beauty business, they were all shut down in March 2020 for a period of 3 months. But on this night, when I am doing my lash removals, of lashes I have spent hours putting on my friends & family, I get home exhausted mentally & emotionally when I get a call… It’s almost midnight. I don’t know the number but somehow it’s familiar… It’s her. It’s T**y’s partner. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I ignore. I ignore again. I ignore again. So she starts texting me asking me to tell her the truth. It takes me ages to reply & I only do because she starts ringing me again. I secretly as happy that when Noodle’s wife wrote down my number, she had it wrong because I don’t know how I should handle this situation.

I finally answer the phone but don’t speak, I don’t even say hello & she’s sobbing. She starts talking, I don’t even remember what she says exactly, but she tells me that he’s cheated on her before & they’ve been together only 6 months (He told me that), she tells me that he’s told her that she’s not to give me any money (WTF!), she says that I should get STI checks but she’s clean, she tells me that he’s on drugs & I should be careful that he knows people who will hurt me, she begs me over & over to just tell her what happened between him & I… I say to her “Look ****, you’re obviously a smart woman, you’re a nurse, you wouldn’t be on the phone to a stranger at midnight on a Wednesday night if you didn’t already know what happened” She asks how I know she’s a nurse & her name, because he told me that’s how he’s free at night.

She then tells me he’s up, coming into the room & puts me on speaker phone but the phone goes dead, I was about to hang up anyway, I mean come on people, do I really want to be involved in a three way phone conversation? Fuck no.

I put down my phone & get inundated up until 3am with calls & text from T**y’s phone & from her number too, saying I better tell her the truth & I should watch out. Between every text message is a couple of missed calls.

Thankfully, even though I put up a security camera out the front of my house that weekend, I am thankful that is the last time I ever hear from either of them again. I believe they stayed together for a while, but I think they have broken up now.

Thank god that chapter is over, but never a dull moment in my life, right?!



A few weeks ago, a very good friend of mine, told me she believes that I am judgemental. This got me thinking as I have always thought that I am pretty open minded & I don’t think I judge anyone at all, I mean if you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that I am the last person that should be judging anyone!

However it’s struck a cord with me as she did reference my blog & things I say out loud to her. When I am discussing why people do what they do to my close friend, I am not at all intending that to be judgement. Especially when I say “How can she stay with him?” (Mainly about Silverlining’s wife. That is not me meaning to be judgemental, that is me simply asking the question out to the universe! I guess the question that I don’t ask out loud at the same time, but I constantly think is “How can I still want him after everything?” I understand why she’s holding on, they have history, a family, a life together so my question is hypothetical… What I had with his, was a dream, a fantasy of what we could have had. So I want to be clear that I am not judging.

I also want to be clear if I describing how someone’s house looks or their appearance, I am just simply trying to paint a picture. I am not judging anyone or meaning to seem judgmental. I mean I have told you before, I have what my friends call a show home – people are afraid to bring their kids to my house (which I find silly but I get why they wouldn’t want too) but I grew up in a hoarders house, my parents are still hoarders. I didn’t come from money or a home where we have everything packed away, so again if I am describing the ins & outs of someone’s house or car, I am not trying to be judgy, I am simply trying to paint the picture.

I honestly thought that was what I was doing with a my friends too, but obviously I am coming across as a judgmental bitch. This is not my intention of my blog or my words. I am not going to pretend that I don’t know that what I say & how I say it could be perceived as judgemental, but it’s not my intention.

I am far from perfect, I am far from being fault free… I am me & I have made mistakes. I don’t have a poker face. I write as if I am speaking to you & telling you the story in person. I don’t change the way I am, I am finding out lately that sometimes that means walking away from some friendships that you’ve had for many years… Sometimes that means giving someone another chance…

But just know, that I do genuinely know I am a good person who has done some wrong things, no one is perfect. No one is always on their best behaviour. But I am me, I am trying to be the best I can while sharing my inner most thoughts with you…

I hope this ramble makes sense. A few things have happened lately that I am evaluating my friendships, evaluating my love life.

To give you a small spoiler update, you all know from another post that I lost my previous job in 2020, a job I was good at, a job I loved. After a year of finding myself again I have recently gained full time employment in the field that I have been working towards for about 8 or 9 years. Something that has been dangled in front of my eyes so many times & taken away… So I say to anyone who’s dreams keep getting squashed, to keep aiming for those stars, because you will reach them if you never alter your dream to suit someone else… Now only if I could be as successful in my relationships! Hahaha!

Keep reading to find out what else happens with me!


Screenshots #3

So here an another blog of screenshots. I have done one for a while. So here they are some older than others but still valid & worth a read.

I’m still unsure why some men do what they do, but I am glad they did so you can all have a laugh with me.

If you’re considering leaving your partner, this is what you’ve got to look forward too! Bahahaha…

T**y #6

So you all think I am an idiot… I don’t know what I am thinking, I agree with you all, I am never going to get my stuff back! FUCK! Including my beautiful living maiden hair fern which is doing so well (I hear they’re the hardest plants to keep alive). After we pick up all my things – mainly from my bathroom, we spend hours restyling his house… He tells me that he’s now going to get a good price for the house & he’s going to give me $1000 for helping… Remember this poll I did on Facebook? If someone offered you money would you take it? I don’t think I ever could…  Keep reading this story to find out if I get it or not…

Actual footage of the FB poll

As I am putting things in different places, he says that it looks heaps better… Ironically I find out later by stalking the listing online of his house, that the stylist wasn’t on crack like I thought she was. In the photos the professionals took for the listing, the furniture was actually originally where I put it. But the photos were done a week before! The fucking idiot T**y had moved everything the stylist did & made it look ridiculous!! When I shifted everything back I felt like the best ever stylist but in actual fact he was the dickhead who moved everything after she styled it! OMG. What a waste of time, when he should have been cleaning or putting up the shelves or leaving it alone, he was too busy moving the stylists furniture around, no wonder he’s so far behind. What a wanker. However remember I don’t know this till about a week later.

When we get back to his house he parks my car in his driveway & we unload, putting my touches everywhere, the stylist had used white towels & white accessories in a white bathroom so my green towels & bamboo accents ones gave it a pop of colour that it needed. At least I was better than the stylist with that aspect.

Once the house is clean to my satisfaction & all the styling in put back to where it came from, I sit down with some more vodka & wait for him to come make a move, but he is fiddle farting around still moving things around, I lay down on the couch & start looking at my phone wishing I didn’t have my car here so I could catch a taxi home… Bored & horny, I slip off a layer of clothing & click to porn hub on my phone… When he hears some noises, he comes out & asks what I’m watching, I tell him porn & he says that he’s going to have a shower first… What the actual fuck?!

He is in the shower for what seems like days, I have already made myself cum twice by the time he’s gotten out of the shower… This guy is clueless… He asks me if I’m still watching & I tell him yes, we have sex on the couch – which isn’t his, but the stylists. Afterwards we sit there for a short time, he goes outside for a smoke & we have another drink. Then he walks up to the bedrooms & disappears for what seems like forever.

He’s of course has said earlier that I can stay over or I wouldn’t be here feeling like a fuckwit right now, I would have gone home, but he said I should stay so I have drunk too much to drive, but now he’s being weird… I sit around wondering what the fuck he is doing, where he is when I find him in one of the rooms doing something to some knobs on the walk in robe. I end up laying on the bed & he lays next to me. The beds are all fake so there is nowhere really to sleep & there is nothing to keep warm with, lucky it’s warm in January but the sleep I do get is broken & it’s about 3:00 am…

At 6:00 am he starts fiddle farting around again & asks where my keys are, I ask where he’s going because I don’t want him driving my car or leaving me here & he just says that he wants to move my car in case his girlfriend drives past after her shift at 7:00 am. When he comes back inside he also moves all my stuff that we didn’t use & the laundry basket we brought it all over in, including the clothes that are laying around into the room I am in, just in case she comes inside the house… Hang on – what the fuck!? Is she coming!? He says he doesn’t know but thinks she might drive past. Ok what the actual fuck. I am naked on the fake bed in the front room, what the fuck was he going to do, lock me in the master suite & hope she doesn’t come in here & find me!? This is next level fucked & I’ve been in some shitty situations before!!

I get dressed in record time & gather my stuff that isn’t on display & get out of there… It’s 6:00 am & I haven’t done the walk of shame in a very long time. I feel horrible & dirty. This is guy is wide awake at 6:00 am, bouncing off the walls. He’s off his head. I am not sure but he has to be on drugs – I’m not completely against drugs but I’m not really a fan of just taking them for the hell of it… I drive home & jump into bed, finally getting a couple of hours of rest.

So you’re all right… Well in a way! When am I going to get my stuff back? I don’t hear from him all weekend, with the house openings. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Fucking prick. I refuse to message. But on Tuesday I ask how the open inspection went, thinking only about getting my things back at this point, trying to play nice, he says that it sold for $405k & when I joke that it must’ve been my styling he says yes & asks if he can keep my stuff for another week as they have another open… Why wouldn’t they just cancel the open if it sold?! I don’t understand this, but I say ok & keep in touch with him the only way I know how without having to start the conversation. I ignore the last message at night & reply in the morning – just continuing the conversation as if it never ended. I don’t say good nights or good mornings, I just keep the conversation going with a 8 hour sleep gap! Hahaha…

So one day he messages before the second inspection & says that he’ll drop off all my stuff but in true T**y form, he says a time & then doesn’t rock up then bails saying he can’t tonight. At least he knows that he has to give my stuff back.   

When he finally brings back my stuff, including the maiden hair fern (which now struggles to survive), he brings back my towels wet saying he’s had a shower… Why is he needing to shower?! It’s the first time I think that he’s fucking more than me… But I am almost certain of it, why else would he have to have a shower before he comes over or that time he got here & had to have a shower… I mean the man does scrape his face with a spoon to get rid of the dead skin so perhaps he just likes to be clean, but I think it’s weird bringing back my towels that were supposed to be his decorations but he brings them back wet….

That night though, we chat like friends. I am either so deprived of male company or even any company that I actually really enjoy sitting & chatting with him. We have a beer or two but we don’t have sex, but I am happy to just hang out with him, outside in the heat by the stars.

Oddly like some switch, I wake up the next morning & realise that he’s forgotten a blanket of mine. I text him immediately, I mean it’s not a big deal to be honest if I don’t get back one blanket, I got everything else back including some of the stylists stuff, which I gave back to him to take to the house. He says that he’ll drop it off, which we again have this stupid thing where he says he’s going to come but he takes hours to get there. Every time I see him, I watch carefully, he looks cooked. He’s off his head on drugs, I’m sure of it. He comes over this night with someone in the car so he doesn’t stay long, however we do have a long conversation & I joke with him that he owes me $2k, not $1k. He agrees & says something about $5k since he got such a good price. There is no way I will take any money from this man. I know I did the poll & I talked to my best work friend at length about it, she was like take it for sure. I just don’t think I could. I’m a strong independent woman, I didn’t help him because I wanted his cash, I helped him because I stupidly felt sorry for him. Why do I feel sorry for these losers?!


Speed Dating #4

Oh good fucking god, what am I doing this for!

Well let me tell you why… T**y is a fucking wanker, Noodle is married… I am so fucking alone & I want someone in my life, I deserve someone in my life. Don’t I? Despite some of the shit things I have done in my dating life, I am surely not the worst person in the world & I should have a partner… Right? So when I get a text from the company who I haven’t used in years, asking if I’d like to come along to a speed dating event for free with a friend, I think why the hell not. I ask a friend to come with me who I’d casually thrown the idea around with no long before this & she decides to come along too.

It’s a bit out of my (& hers) usual age bracket, men 35-53 so there will be people I am 100% not interested in – I am not into older men at all, ironically because when I was younger I was obsessed with the man being older than me, but pretty much no one besides Boyfriend has really been older than me! Hahaha. But I am sure that there will be people that I will not be attracted too in this age bracket, but there could be the one I want to date too. The diamond in the rough!  

Remember I know a couple who met at speed dating & I are still together 15+ years later, who have just had their third kid together, so I guess this is why I keep going back, you know I may just find that one spark!? All you need is one mutual spark right?!

I’m going again with a skinny, very pretty friend – who’s recently single but prefers women, who has the same niche job as me but we work for different organisations. We met at our old job a few years back & we haven’t ever really been out socially before so I am looking forward to it. I am not sure why I thought speed dating was a good idea for a girls night out, but here we are!

I feel like I look good, I am feeling super confident. The outfit has gone together well, my hair is playing nice… I am really confident – something that I am not often. My friend arrives & looks amazing – annoyingly effortlessly amazing when I have tried so hard. It bursts my confident bubble a little bit… But I intend to keep this confident stride for this evening.

Anyway we get to the venue, no one immediately catches my eye of someone I want to chat too or can’t wait to get the five minute date with. We grab a drink & head outside to scope out the competition. I reckon we’re in the top percentage out of the women, which also makes me feel confident but no man really catches my eye at all. FUCK.

As we settle in for date after date after date after fucking date, I realise that there probably isn’t anyone here for me… I have good banter with some, good chats with others, but there is no real chemistry at all. I tick a few friends but no one for relationship but you never know outside this setting it may click in place.

I had instant chemistry with Noodle online & in person, I can’t ever expect that again. I believe that is rare, so I must take that into consideration & give these guys a fair go.

As we have a break, I scoff some food & drink another wine, I have more fun talking to my friend than I do having a million mini dates with random men. But the night continues & doesn’t for me get any better!

I tick a few men as friends but walk away deflated… FUCK yet another waste of time… Well not a waste of time – I got a blog out of it… But in the interest of finding a partner, it was a waste of time… Even though I don’t really care about these men, I still wait impatiently by my emails the next day, constantly checking, even checking my junk box & waiting for the email that tells me who I actually matched with.

Waiting for the email always sucks – it’s torture… Absolute torture! It comes just before 5:00 pm & I have to say, I am so fucking shocked that there are NO matches at all… WOW… As if my self-esteem wasn’t low enough already, this is another blow. Why the fuck did I even go to this stupid event?!

I only ticked friend to 5 guys so I wasn’t expecting a lot of matches anyway, I mean the max I could get would be 5 anyway right but fucking hell, not one of the guys I ticked friend even saw me as a friend!? Not one guy?! Fuck me… I must be a complete dud!

My friend only ticked date to one guy who she matched with. Right then… I guess it’s not all bad, I did have 5 men say yes to me, she had 11 say yes to her… This is worse than I thought…. Why did I go?! OMG… I feel like shit. Only 5 out of 20 men liked me! OMG. I don’t even know what to say anymore… Perfect strangers with pixie ears are hurting my feelings now! (Disclaimer – I wrote that sentence with “pixie ears” right after I went speed dating & now almost a year later, I do not get the reference, but it made me giggle so I left it in! I’m assuming a guy had weird ears?! I don’t really know.)

I try to laugh it off with my friend as we chat about it, I make jokes, but I am actually hurt about this… Am I seriously that ugly? Or make that bad of a first impression!?

I need to go back to 2020 of no sex…

This is soul destroying!

2020 can only get better…


This is the actual email… How depressing!


T**y #5

So I’m a fucking bitch! You can say it, I won’t be offended! Obviously nothing you guys can say will offend me at this point in my story, I’ve heard it all! Maybe though, this is why my karma is so bad with men! Hahaha… I have this guy in such a vulnerable position & I am not sorry about it. He’s a twat, he’s lied about his name & lied about his relationship status. I’m so stupid for thinking this guy is single. I knew there was something not right about him. I just knew it… I’ve been told I’m intuitive & I should trust it… I never do & look where I end up, a dick in my mouth that’s attached to yet another liar.

FUCK though – the look on his face… He sits up & I just keep sucking, it’s like some sort of movie… You know the scene in Swordfish when Hugh Jackman is getting a blowjob with a gun to his head?! Well this is sort of like that, although that wasn’t my aim or my intention, it just sort of happened like that. Looking back on it now, I feel a little bad for him & also realise what an unsafe position I have put myself in too… There could be an explanation for his relationship status on Facebook. Maybe they just broke up? Maybe they’re on a break? I’ll probably get a lie from him saying either of those things when in actual fact they are probably still together…

To my surprise, he says that she doesn’t suck his cock much & definitely not like I do, he says that he loves how I suck his cock (Another glowing review!) but he stops me now & we sit to chat… Well I have two choices, I’ve already fucked the guy so no matter what he’s already cheated on her. We end up having sex & then go outside once we’re dressed & talk some more. I really like this guy, obviously now he’s going to be nothing but a friend but at least I know & am not being lied too constantly. He says that they’ve been together six months (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!), he’s just moved in with her as he’s selling his house (that explains the two addresses bullshit) & he’s also cheated on her before (SERIOUSLY!). He tells me that she knows about the other woman & chose to stay with him but as she’s a nurse doing mainly nightshifts he’s always by himself at night. He says that they live with her sister & her boyfriend so she is always spying on him otherwise he would stay over the night. He leaves & I think that I’m never going to hear from him again. No big loss, though he is a funny guy, I knew there was something too good to be true about him though!

The next day I get a message from him saying I freaked him out but if I am happy to be his friend, hang out casually he won’t lie or spin bullshit to me, I explained that I hate being lied too & hate tht bullshit even more.

He invites himself over one night, messaging for hours that he’s on his way, I ask him if he means real time or T**y time? He laughs & tells me that he’s never on time… This is about when I think this dude is on something… I am pretty sure he’s off his head on drugs. When he ricks up at my house I am in bed because it’s 10:00 pm on a Wednesday night, he’s been messaging since I finished work saying another or hour or he’ll be a few minutes etc. We do have sex, good sex but he doesn’t cum at all – another sign that there is something up with this dude & drugs. I have YouTube on & he starts picking songs & we lay there just cuddling. TO be honest, even though I know he’s with someone else it’s really nice just laying there with someone. I hate that I want this for myself… FUCK.

Another night, maybe the next night or a few days later, he comes over, it’s a hot summer night & we’re sitting outside chatting, just like mates, having a few beers. He asked to have a shower at my house which I am ok with, however he leaves his razor & shower gel behind in the bathroom… He also leaves a bunch of groceries behind & a friend jokes that he’s moving in – preparing for when she kicks him to the kerb… OMG – I never thought of that but maybe he was subtly leaving things behind on purpose?!

Again I am sure that he is off his head on drugs but I am honestly just enjoying the company when he suggests that we sit outside naked. It’s a beautiful night outside & so we both get undressed, I feel a bit awkward as I strip off my clothes but sitting on my back stairs naked with beer when he kisses me & makes a move obviously we have sed on the stairs, its probably the most painful position I’ve ever fucked in… Have you ever fucked on wooden deck stairs?! We then move over to the chairs outside & he decides to bend me over my car bonnet & fuck me against it, which somehow makes me squirt – the squirt stains the cement & is there for a long time before it washes or wears away! When I’m being bitten by mosquitoes, I decide to go inside, it’s a weeknight again & I am wondering when he’ll go home but we go into my bedroom & I laze around sleepily on the bed, he cuddles me for a bit while he choses songs on YouTube, picking random Usher songs & then he jumps up out of bed & starts dancing around my room… It’s 3:00 am, what the fuck is this dude on! I am not opposed to drugs, I’ve taken my fair share however it is a week night, I am not sure why this man has taken anything to come dance in my bedroom. When he sees that I am sleepy, he decides to go home. He says that he’ll see me around which is our usual goodbye.

The next night he says that he’s going to come over but as I am waiting for ages for him again as usual – not that I’m doing anything at home anyway but then he says that he’s cleaning his house & can’t come to mine but I’m welcome to come to his house that he’s selling & hang out. I figure why not, when he says that he’s out getting drinks but asks me  to bring everything besides the vodka, I also pack up his left over groceries & take them with me, no way is this man thinking he’s got me as his fall back when she dumps his sorry ass… I don’t think I’ve told you either but he lost his job, to be honest he’s the type that is so hard done by, the type that no job is good enough for him. He’s got the woe is me attitude, that the world owes him something, that he should be in a better job but his bosses are cunts, not that he isn’t a hard worker or putting in effort… He doesn’t see what he does but I can sort of see why he was fired.

I get to his house, it’s again another hot late January night, I pull up no the other side of the road… His house is in a new estate, one of those estates where people all park on the road as their long skinny houses are too small to hold all their crap so their garages are full of all the shit. His house is a long skinny house & I walk in & it’s really nice, but I instantly recognise that it’s been styled by a stylist. But it looks a bit off – her cards are on the kitchen bench & OMG the house is kind of a disaster… He has some cleaning products & while he’s putting up a shelf ( that I don’t really understand why he needs a shelf in the laundry to sell the house, I go with it) & then I start cleaning. I am cleaning this fuckers house… It’s open tomorrow & it’s a disaster. The stylist is clearly on crack, the house isn’t clean – like cupboard doors, bathrooms & floors need a huge clean… I pour some vodkas & just get to cleaning. Where the fuck is this guys family?! Where the fuck is this guys girlfriend?! Why isn’t anyone helping him?! Clearly he’s drowning in his to do list… I feel so sorry for him… So the fuck wit I am, I stay at his house & help… I help clean & we end up spending house rearranging the furniture to make it more functional, this is when I suggest that he needs some colour in the bathroom, like my green towels – next minute we’re in my car, he’s driving because I refuse & we’re driving back to my place to get pretty much everything from my beautifully styled bathroom & we’re taking it back – including live plants – to his house to restyle the already styled house… WTF! I am such a wanker…


Noodle #60

I hope the title got your attention!

For those who’ve been with me for a few years, you probably never thought you’d see this name again – did you?! I thought it only fitting for this post, that it be named Noodle, not Silverlining even though it kills me still to say Noodle… Before you get excited or angry, whatever your reaction to a Noodle post, hear me out!

A week post sending my video to what he’s known as at the time, Silverlining, I check all the apps daily waiting for a message as his last words to me were “I’ll chat to you when I can” so I wait & wait for the message to ask me how I am or whatever he might say… But I get nothing. I can only assume that he’s not watched the heart wrenching goodbye video, or he wouldn’t have said that – surely. Also I know she sleeps like 23 hours a day so he has time to chat to me even if she is off for 3 weeks, so he is choosing not too… Good for him for being strong. Maybe he did watch the video of me crying my goodbye to him. However I can’t help but doubt my decision to end it so abruptly. Things are not good for me in ALL other areas of my life & they haven’t gotten better now I’ve cut him off… I can’t help but wonder, was he really the problem?!  

Having asked that question, I realise that I am not the type of woman to stalk someone by heading to their gym to see if their car is there, like I did on that fateful day when I ended it, so I knew it was the time to cut it off, no matter how much it hurt – it hurts with every heartbeat. I made the right decision based on my actions, but now I think I realise that my actions were just a by product of other things happening my 9-5 life.

I also notice around this time or a few weeks later, that he’s deleted his Fetlife (kinky Facebook) account – the one thing, the one social media that we had, that we’d said years before that we had that we could find each other in the future, he’s now deleted it – or worse blocked me on it. I can’t stop crying about this. I am heartbroken all over again. I have nothing left to find him on, chat to him or see him on. That hurts me a lot to be perfectly honest!

I notice that he’s changed him name on the anonymous app too, I’m not sure when he did that, but I notice it when I send him a Christmas message, I can’t help myself when I am drunk & sad but I then send him a new years message & then again, I send him something for his birthday in early 2020, which a few days after new year’s. But they never send to him. He never reads them… They sit at sending forever… Maybe he took my advice & finally got off the chat app. I hope that he has, but it kills me that he has, but it’s also good that he isn’t just trolling online for something more than his partner & more than me. Fuck I am in agony! I have never hurt so much about anything.

Day to day, no one would really know this is going on unless you’re close to me, I am struggling with other issues & am rapidly losing weight because of that. I thought it was him, I thought it was our relationship that was my big issue, but clearly it’s not. This hurts me for sure, but I cut out what I thought was the main stressor & yet I am still losing weight, vomiting & diarrhoea as I leave the house… Maybe Silverlining wasn’t my problem?!

FUCK, what did I do?!

Ironically, I had a dream about him on this day, we were hanging out with his kids then he said he had to go pick her up, I refuse to say goodbye to him & he gets in the car & speeds around to where my car is but I drive off. I wake up in real life reeling but I try to go back to sleep to change the end of the dream, I want to make myself stop the car & talk to him – give him a chance to say something to me… But I can’t get back into the dream again.

So many times I think Noodle has created a new account & is stalking me… I then find a person who’s joined the chat app & said something like Noodle would’ve said to me, calling me a nickname he used & my heart starts pounding… I don’t know why but I let J-Lo stalk Noodle’s partner & he says that he can’t find it under her name… My heart sinks, my pulse starts rapidly beating… I give J-Lo Noodle’s last name & J-Lo says that he found her. I start shaking… FUCKING HELL… He married her?! Are you fucking kidding me! I cannot believe it!

Curiosity gets the better of me, so I look her up on FB but it’s not her… So I tell J-Lo to send me a picture of who he’s looking at because I can’t find her. He sends me a picture & I am ready to sigh a sigh of relief, however, it’s fucking Noodle in her profile picture, she is in a wedding dress & he is in suit. His face looks so fat – fatter than I remember him being, he doesn’t look happy at all, his eyes are a give away, he looks so miserable & she’s looking up at him adoringly with her head on his shoulder. It says that they’re married… Her last name is the same as his…

They got married 4 days after I ended it with him…

4 fucking days!

No wonder he started acting weird, she was going on annual leave to get married, her parents were over from interstate obviously for the wedding… Yet he told me that it wouldn’t be the last time that he would see me?! How the fuck was he going to see me wearing a wedding ring? I am so fucking hurt he never told me… I don’t know what I would have done if he told me, but he should have told me! They were clearly planning their wedding for a while – they were already engaged when I met him, so he would have known when we started up the second time that in a few months he would be walking down the aisle with her saying till death do us part, all the while having a second affair with me, all the while confessing how much he loves me.

But because I never replied to him & his ‘I’ll chat to you when I can’ messages, I’m assuming he never bothered to write to me again. This news of marriage makes me fall apart… Not only am I still being dicked around by fuckwit after fuckwit & the love of my life has married someone else, someone I know he loves – I don’t ever deny that he loves her, I know he loves her but just not the way he loves me (or am I deluded here?! Who knows) & there is nothing I can do about it… Or is there!?

I start thinking about revenge, she’s obviously blocked me on Facebook because I couldn’t find her – even under her new surname, which would seemingly mean that she’s seen my posts that were cryptic after we ended the second time but surely if she saw then she would realise who it was about – that it was about him & yet she still married him?! Anyone who thinks I am judging her, you’re wrong. I don’t judge her, I get it, I can’t walk away from him & I don’t have 2 kids & a 10+ year history with him, so I do not judge her for wanting him or for marrying him… But I do ask questions like why would she want to marry him, however don’t think I’m not asking those questions of myself, because I am!

Other options I have, I toy with the idea of putting a little toy on her car at work which represent my nickname that is an animal which she knows – neither of them could look at this animal & not think of me?! Even friends see this animal & think of me! I know they both would… I think about texting his mobile number when I know they would be together… I think all the crazy things I could do – go to her work, rock up at their house… I then wish that I did leave my hair ball or the condom wrapper like I thought about doing, an earring for her to find when cleaning – though he does all the cleaning so I doubt she would find it anyway… I hate myself but I look at their profiles & I just kill myself looking at them… I block them & never look at them again.

I am not able to eat again, my stomach is in knots. Did he go through with marrying her because I walked away? Could I have changed his mind? I mean I knew this was coming, I knew they were planning it, he just got a big payout at work so assuming they used that, but I can’t help but wonder if I tried hard like my friends said I should back in January 2019 when we were in Kangaroo Island, would things be different?! Or would I still be on this path?!

I know what you’re all thinking & I can just imagine the comments that will come out of this post… However I am shattered right now, I love this man with all my heart, I did everything he ever asked of me… I know he’s a liar, I know that he’s played with my emotions, I know that he’s been an absolute ass to me & to his now wife, however I am so into him that I can’t walk away as easily as you all think I should. This fact annoys me as much as it annoys you, trust me! He’s now married & I still want him!

I am fucking angry that 10 days before his wedding, he was fucking me on their couch & never mentioned it to me – it would have been planned before he even started talking to me in August as a stranger & then after I ended it, he said it wasn’t the last time that he’d ever fuck me (because of what I said in the goodbye email.) It was the last time. He was distant & worried about her family coming over from interstate, he’d  told me that, I just didn’t realise that they were coming over for their wedding. Their fucking god damn wedding!

He’s actually married… He’s fucking given her his surname… He said till death do us part to this woman, when I have no doubt that he was thinking of me that day… I hate that she’s got the life that I want & that he doesn’t think that he’s good enough for me. I hate that he doesn’t get the life he wants because he’s too scared to lose his kids or too gutless to choose the life he wants…


So if you’ll recall, I posted a blog a while ago about my wedding day, the wedding day that I always though I’d have, the wedding that I have dreamed of since I was a little girl – well it evolved as I got older but essentially the wedding of my dreams, the wedding that I never saw a mans face at the end of the aisle until I met Noodle… But now, there is no way I can ever get married. To anyone. Ever. If Noodle can marry his partner after everything he went through with me, then marriage means absolutely nothing.

I am so sure, that Noodle was thinking about me on his wedding day. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. Even if only he allowed it for a split second, I know he did! I always thought that on your wedding day, you would be so committed to the person you are saying I do with, so in love with the person that no one else could ever enter your mind. The fact that he loves me, & said he loves me to my face only 10 days before this & he married her anyway, makes the dream of my wedding just shatter… I will never get married now, as I know, that if anyone ever does propose to me, Noodle will pop into my head, I know he will even if I am not in love with him. I will think of Noodle on my wedding day & I don’t ever want to do that to another person. It’s not fair & I feel for his wife – honestly that is worse than having an affair! That’s fucked up & I am so destroyed by this news.

Ironically, just as a side note, the date that Noodle married his partner, is the same date that Doppelganger married his partner too… (Update on Doppelganger, they no longer come to my gym! Thank goodness!)



T**y #4

I do not know what I am doing with T**y to be honest, why have I allowed him to come to my house, let alone fuck me… There is something I can’t quite put my finger on with this guy but he’s really funny, good looking & even though I said no dating in 2020 (Remember I am behind in my writing time frame, I don’t usually write in real time) there is also that stupid thing in my head that this guy could just be the guy. He’s single, he’s cute, he’s seemingly interested in me, yes there have been some red flags, but is anyone ever actually completely red flag free?!

After we have sex, he had cum on my belly & I am not sure why men find that so hot to be honest, I would have thought that cumming inside would be hotter, but the guys I seem to date also like the fact that I don’t just jump up & shower so I wear their cum all day the next day or if we’ve had day sex, during the rest of that day.

T**y doesn’t jump up straight away – ready to leave as soon as he’s cum like other guys do, which I like. He lays there, next to me, not really touching me but sometimes he does & he lays there for a really long time, just chatting about all sorts of crap & I feel very comfortable with him. The banter flows easily & he says a few times that he wants to stay over the night but he doesn’t have his tools for work tomorrow or anything to wear, I am mildly disappointed when he finally gets up & starts getting dressed, but it’s very late on a Sunday so I am ready for him to go. He genuinely seems disappointed to leave.

I refuse to message him, he should message me first, right?! I mean it’s always been my rule – my stupid rule that got me into trouble with Noodle the first time. But when I see on the chat app that he has another account with his fake profile picture with another name & both of them are in the same group, I start to wonder what this guy is all about.

However about midday I get a message from him – on the app he apparently deleted on our date, he has my phone number so there is no need to be using the chat app, but he does. He talks about the sex saying he wants to see me again & loves my ass… What is it about my ass, I never thought it was that good… We also chat via text which is weird, chatting on both apps but whatever, I send him a picture of my ass & he says he wants to fuck me like that so I start the topic of anal but he says he doesn’t like anal but would do it if I wanted too… He asks me if I have time for a quickie but I don’t & realise that my period has come too, so I just ignore his messages till he’s messaged to say that he’s already on his way home.

As always I talk to J-Lo about him & J-Lo loves a stalk, he loves to find these men on Facebook or wherever & find out their deal. I’m not much of a stalker, I don’t want to know but stupidly I always allow J-Lo to stalk for me… I don’t know why but he loves to find people, but he can’t find a trace of this guy T**y anywhere…! Odd?! Or does this guy genuinely not have any social media presence?!

The next day I don’t hear from T**y at all or see him on the chat app, so by about 9:00 pm, I decide to message him & I ask if he thought about my ass today & he says that he did. He doesn’t seem that keep to chat but asks me If I thought of anything else, when I say that I thought of him sucking my nipples while fucking me he just says “Mmmmm”. So I don’t reply. The next day I have had the worst day ever, it’s only 10:30 am & I am heading home when I get a message from him asking if I am going to be home soon. Oddly, yes I am so I say that I am & he says to call him when I’m free… then he says he can come around 2:00 pm. No problems, I get in the car & am driving home, I hit call on his number & it rings & rings & rings. It goes to his message bank… I expect to hear something like “Hi you’ve reached T**y, leave a message” but there is his cute voice saying a completely different name. What the actual fuck… I knew it!

When I get a message from him later which is just ???, I guess sort of asking why I called, I just say he told me to call. I sit there for ages wondering about what to do, at midday I ask if he’s coming at 2:00 pm because he hasn’t said anything, he says yes & I ask if he needs my address being he followed me here, he then asks is 4:00 pm is ok. I say it is.

When it gets the better of me, I stalk, I know I said I don’t stalk but I think you’ll all agree this warrants a stalk, I type in his voice mail name & the first person to pop up as a suggestion on Facebook is him. He is sitting on a vintage couch outside in dressed up clothes, seemingly at a wedding or a 21st type setting, there is a chick next to him leaning on him, her head on his shoulder, her legs are crossed & his arm is draped over her legs, they have big smiles on their faces & both are holding a beer bottle… FUCK. I scroll down his profile a little bit when it hits me “In a relationship with **** *****” Double Fuck. This is why I don’t fucking stalk…

Now I have 2 options, to ditch the dickhead & just move on with my life… But as you all know, this is not what I do, he’s knocking on my door when I realise that he’s not who he says he is so I now have a choice, do I say something the second he walks in or do I wait & see what if he is honest & tells me his real name? I mean he now must know that I know his name is not what he says it is, he can’t be that stupid?! Surely?! I decide quickly to see what happens, I won’t mention it & see how long it takes him to say something… Surely he won’t take long to bring it up.

We go outside with a beer & he has a smoke, we sit outside chatting so easily that I honestly forget that his name isn’t what he’s told me… How can that so easily slip my mind. Am I so starved for male adult conversation that I am willing to overlook this? When he asks me to go to my room, I oblige, we’re kissing & undressing… It’s like I’ve forgotten what a relationship is like, hanging out with someone, having their undivided attention, we’re on the bed kissing & touching each other all over, when I move down his body to take his cock in my mouth & suddenly it hits me… Not only has this man lied about his real name, but he’s got a girlfriend that he’s publicly acknowledged on Facebook. I have him in the most vulnerable position a man can be in, he’s naked with his cock in my mouth & I question him between sucks what is his real name, a cruel game but something has come over me, I must know & I know he won’t tell me the truth, which he doesn’t. He tells me that it’s T**y. I say no it’s not & suck his cock once more, he then tells me the other name (which I forget what it is) of his other fake account & again I do the same, I suck his dick & stroke it telling him it’s not right. He sits up a bit & assures me that it is, I tell him that it’s not & as he moans, loving what I’m doing but hating what I am saying, he doesn’t say anymore… I stroke his cock as I look him in the eye from nowhere I realise what is happening here & so I ask him “So does **** (Insert girlfriends name) suck your cock like I do, **** (insert his voicemail name)?”


Animals are kinkier than you

As I am a away on a much needed short trio away in Victoria with my puppies, I haven’t had time to finalise my blog. I’m sorry, there is more coming for T**y , I promise! This article though, really gets you thinking… How kinky am I?

  • By Jason G. Goldman

13 February 2015

Leather cuffs, ropes, candle wax, edible underwear. We humans, in all our arrogance, think we’ve got the creative sex market cornered.

But the truth is that we’re nothing more than kinky amateurs in the sexual marketplace. Our non-human cousins have been engaging in sex acts that we might consider taboo a lot longer than we have. It’s nature’s best-kept secret: for any sex act that you might find arousing, and a bit outside of traditional sexual conventions, there’s an animal that not only engages in that behavior, but for whom it is the norm.

You think Fifty Shades of Grey is hot? Here are seven ways that animals are kinkier than you ever thought.

A sip of giraffe urine

Perhaps the obvious place to start is the giraffe. The long-necked animals spend most of their time quietly munching on leaves. At least, it sounds quiet to us, because most of their vocal communication occurs outside the range of human hearing. But what they lack in their ability to shout, they more than make up for when it comes to assessing the suitability of a potential mate. The bull, which is what you call a male giraffe, visits various herds looking for a female, called a cow. When he finds a cow he likes, he doesn’t coyly ask for her number. There are no flowers, no chocolates, no movie dates. He gets right to the point by leaning over and gently nuzzling her rear end. The goal? To catch a sip of her urine.

“When the bull nuzzles her rump,” write researchers David M. Pratt and Virginia H. Anderson, “she must produce a stream of urine if he is to catch some in his mouth and savour it,” they write. The idea is that he can to detect various chemical indicators in her urine that indicate whether she’s prepared to mate. He knows none of this, of course. He’s just doing what evolution has guided him towards doing: wandering around, lapping up some urine, looking for a date.

Hippos’ flying faeces

But the giraffe is an amateur compared to the hippo. The most under-appreciated of the African megafauna, the hippopotamus may seem like nothing more than a waterborne cow, but they are not to be trifled with. According to legend, more people are killed each year by hippos than by sharks, and while they’re not all that graceful on land, they can charge at superspeed when they’re in the water

Like giraffes, male hippos are called bulls. Unlike giraffes, hippos are more into dung than urine. For a species that can be quite aggressive, it is perhaps not all that surprising that they spend a good deal of time marking their territories. And they do that by leaving very large piles of dung on the banks of the rivers and ponds they swim in. As they deposit their excrement, they use their tiny tails as tennis rackets, shooting bits of poo off in every direction. Some males can send their faeces flying off as far as two metres away!

But the males aren’t the only ones who engage in “dung-showering,” as it is called. When a territorial male is on the prowl, the females aren’t entirely passive. If a female hippo is interested, she turns around, raises her rear end out of the water, and presents him with a dung shower of her own. Like the males, the females also use their tails to spread the stinky love around. Researchers refer to this sort of mating ritual as “submissive defecation.”

Garter snakes’ massive mating balls

As winter turns to spring in Manitoba, Canada, the snakes emerge from underneath the ground in search of both food and sex. They get together in aggregations that can number tens of thousands of individuals and wiggle around in massive, writhing mating balls. The balls are created after the females release a pheromone that indicates their presence, a sort of serpentine clarion call. Males from all over sniff her out and slither on over, hoping for a chance to father some limbless offspring of their own.

But group sex isn’t all that’s going on. In the middle of all the sex (or, at least, attempted sex) going on inside the mating ball is a group of males who are pretending to be female.

For a while, many researchers suspected that males who released the same sorts of pheromones typically released by females were doing it to deceive other males. For one thing, pretending to be a female would allow a male to avoid aggression from other, larger, more dominant males. By avoiding the ire of another male, the female mimics could survive another day in hopes of finding a chance to mate. Alternatively, the mimicry could be an effort to trick other males into wasting their sperm. The duped males would go on thinking they’d managed to secure their genetic heritage, none the wiser about the con.

But in 2001, a group of researchers came up with a different explanation: warmth. When a groggy male snake emerges from its winter slumber, it’s only a cool 10 degrees Celsius. But reproductive males are usually a good fifteen degrees warmer. By pretending to be female, the mimic could simply be trying to warm up. As a bonus, by hiding underneath a mass of eager males, the female mimic could avoid predation by the hungry crows that wait nearby.

Three is company for North Atlantic Right whales

Garter snakes may be known for group sex, but usually the snakes only have sex with one partner at a time. That wasn’t the case for a female North Atlantic Right whale who was observed by scientists in the August 2000 in the waters off of Canada.

It was a summer afternoon in the Bay of Fundy when a group of researchers conducting observations of the whales’ summer feeding habits found themselves with front row seats to a scene that would make even Christian Grey, the eponymous male character in the Fifty Shades of Grey book and film, blush. For forty seconds, the three-way was engaged in what the researchers referred to as ‘simultaneous intromission’

A female was traveling with three males, a typical aggregation known as a “surface active group” or SAG. In some species, males compete for reproduction by attempting to prevent others from mating. For these whales, however, the sperm does all the competing. So it’s common for the females to mate with several of the males in her SAG, multiple times. When the female is ready to have sex, she typically rolls over and swims upside down near the surface. The male rolls onto his side to allow his prehensile penis better access to the female’s vagina.

When the researchers observed the female and one of the males begin intercourse, they weren’t all that surprised. The copulation lasted for about two minutes before the male disengaged and rolled back over to breathe. “Several undulations of the penis were observed during the copulation,” write the researchers, “but it is not known whether these were associated with ejaculation.”

About fifteen minutes later, the two whales resumed their positions and began to have sex again. Just then, one of the other males surfaced alongside the pair. And thirty three seconds later, he inserted his penis into her vagina as well. For forty seconds, the three-way was engaged in what the researchers referred to as “simultaneous intromission,” before the first male had to make the threesome into a twosome in order to catch a breath of air.

It wasn’t just an erotic marine mammal ménage-a-trois. It was, as the researchers noted, scientific history: “the first observation of a female right whale copulating simultaneously with two males.”

Sexual frenzy of the grunion fish

Speaking of salty sex, no list of surprising sexual practices could be complete without the humble grunion. It’s an unassuming fish, silvery with hairline streaks of blue, red, and yellow running along the length of their bodies, which rarely grow longer than 17 or 18 centimetres.

For several nights surrounding each new moon and full moon in the spring and summer, roughly from March to August, the fish gather on sandy California beaches from Mexico’s Baja peninsula all the way up to Point Conception. Surfing the high tide onto the shore, the fish have gathered there for just one purpose: to mate.

It’s a salty, sandy, wet, moonlit piscine orgy. The females cruise in on a wave and wiggle themselves, tail first, into the cool wet sand, until just their heads are visible. Once in position, each is ready to deposit her eggs, just four inches beneath the surface. But not before they get fertilised. The males take the next few waves to the shore, gathering themselves in circles around the females. There, they release their sperm in a white-ish fluid called milt. The milt flows down the females’ slick bodies until it reaches the eggs. The males ride the next wave back out to sea. The females twist and turn their way out of the sand and they, too, return to the surf.

Most females spawn six times during the season, which means over the course of an entire season she can lay as many as 18,000 eggs. The males, for their part, release as many as one million sperm in a single spawning event, and they can participate in several spawnings per night. Several hours later, the beach once again gets quiet. The following morning, beachgoers likely have no idea that they’re frolicking about just hours after an intense sexual frenzy.

Buprestid beetles mate with beer bottles

Perhaps one of the most common ways in which humans try to spice things up in the bedroom is through the use of sex toys, or less commonly, inflatable sexual partners. These are usually silicone or plastic objects that have been made to resemble male or female anatomy, either visually or behaviorally, or both. Luckily, our big fat primate brains usually know the difference between a sex toy and the real thing. Not so for an Australian jewel beetle called Julodimorpha bakewelli.

It was in 1983 when a pair of Australian zoologists named Darryl Gwynne and David Rentz noticed a photo being passed around among entomologists of a male beetle attempting to mate with a beer bottle. Was it a fluke or could the behavior be reproduced? The researchers set out in search of beetles and litter. In just half an hour, they spotted at least six male beetles trying to mount and copulate with beer bottles.

Unfortunately for the poor males of the species, the forewings of females are a beautiful brown hue, dotted with small dimples. The problem is that they’re remarkably similar to a particular colour and texture of glass often used in beer bottles. “The shiny brown colour of the glass is similar to the shiny yellow-brown [wings] of J. bakewelli,” they wrote, while “a discarded wine bottle of a different colour brown held no attraction.”

Not only do discarded beer bottles pose an environmental hazard, they also pose a serious problem for these beetles. The bottles are so attractive to the males that they actually prefer them to actual females. And that’s not all: ants have learned to congregate near discarded beer bottles, waiting for a lonely beetle to try his luck. Then, they can quickly attack, overpower, and gobble him up. As a result, the species is rapidly on its way towards extinction.

Red velvet mites’ sperm garden

The red velvet mite sounds like a slightly creepy cross between a spider and a cupcake, and it basically is. When a male decides he’s ready to stop living the single life and settle into fatherhood, he builds a structure that some folks refer to as a love garden.

He constructs the garden from plant parts, using his own sperm as the glue. Then he lays down a silk road leading to the entrance of his garden, like the world’s strangest red carpet. There he sits, waiting for a female to come by. If she likes what she sees, she may accept his invitation back to his place. There, she sits herself down on top of a package of sperm and nutrients called a spermatophore, and the happy couple can rest easy knowing that their genetic legacy is secure.

But some male red velvet mites are bullies. If they discover another male’s love garden – and if it’s empty, because the architect is waiting for his beloved at the opposite end of the silk trail – he’ll make a mess of the place.

It’s not just that he wants to destroy his competition; he wants to let his competition do all the work for him. And he does that by covering the shattered ruins of the love garden in his own sperm. After the original builder does all the hard work of attracting a female and luring her back to his place, she has no problem going right ahead and impregnating herself with the bully’s sperm…leaving the cuckolded arachnid to weep with sorrow and begin the slow process of rebuilding his love garden once again.


T**y #3

So you’re probably thinking this is a fucking dumb idea, that this guy is a dickhead, he’s already stood me up once, that this guy doesn’t deserve another chance, but you know what. I’m clearly an idiot – if the last 400+ blogs you’ve read about me don’t already tell you that, then I don’t know what I can say! Hahaha. It makes for good reading, right?! So stupidly my head is thinking about the Psychic & that this could be the man I deserve, the man named T**y, he’s so cute, funny, nice body & seemingly into me. So why wouldn’t I give him a second chance?!

Also for those of you who’ve had a shattered heart – not just broken but absolutely shattered, you would know that does also weird things to you, it makes you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. It makes your head think things that you wouldn’t normally think. Well this is how I am feeling. Last time my heart was shattered, I fucked everything in sight. This time I let myself heal a little better without fucking every dude that every lived, I have taken the time to do a bit of healing, I mean I have had sex, after all it is me & I have a vagina that thinks like a dick. But there is something not right about this guy, but there is something pulling me to him too – if that makes sense.

T**y says that he will meet me back at the same pub that we were supposed to meet at earlier today. Now the things about this is it’s a Sunday night in the suburbs at about 9:00 pm, so I am thinking that this place isn’t going to be open long & this will be a short date anyway.

So when my family leave my house, I get changed & get in my car thinking, this is a fucking dumb idea. But as I start the car, I see a picture pop up of the pub, at night with him saying that he’s there already. Well that’s promising… I drive there five – ten minutes, making him wait & walk in finding out that the bar is basically closed & there is only the pokies area open, we go in there & it’s tiny with no one in there. He exactly like his pictures, he’s fucking cute, not heaps tall, a little taller than me & he’s got that type of body, not fat but bulky with muscles… He’s got really nice teeth & quite tanned that I’m not sure if he’s 100% Caucasian or if he’s just got a good tan…

When we’re at the bar, I don’t know why but something about the way he holds his credit card to pay for the drinks, makes me try to look at the name on the card, I am not sure why I am trying & why it bothers me that I can’t see it, but is he being weird with is card or am I imagining it?! I try to let it go but it bugs me the entire night… Especially paired with other things he says during the night.

So like every guy I’ve ever dated, who meets me & I’m sure it’s happened to many of you too, they tell you while on the date for like 20 minutes, that they are getting offline, they are deleting all their social media. Some will even delete the app while on the date. Well T**y is exactly this dude, he tells me he’s deleting the chat app but all he does is delete the app, I explain that he has to go to a website to delete his account which he does but doesn’t go through with it. He tells me he’s deleted snapchat & Instagram, that he’s over all that shit too… Again this piques my interest as no one needs to ever needs to say this, but when guys do it makes me suspicious. I guess they say it so I don’t go snooping & look for them – which I never do anyway, however when they tell me they are deleting their social media, it makes me want to search for them! Why say it? I am not deleting my apps after the first date, I am not that deluded to think that man will do it either.

The date goes reasonably well though, although he’s a smoker, I am not, so he does leave me once for a smoke, not for a long time either but he does go outside. We talk openly about sex & his dick pictures that he posts on the chat app & I tell him that it has a scab on it from where he’s cut himself shaving his pubes. We also talk about my vagina too but it’s nothing that exciting however, it is the most open I’ve been with a guy I don’t know about sex.

One funny thing that I will never forget & don’t know why he would share with me to be honest, but he tells me that he has a spoon in the shower – errr, where is this going?! & he scrapes his face with it every day. WHAT? What does that even do. He tells me that it scrapes away all the dead skin & it keeps his skin nice. Okie dokie. That’s the weirdest thing I have ever heard…

We both talk about being fat in the past & how hard we’ve worked to get where we are, he also tells me that he has a twin sister who is quite large, showing me a picture of her, she is bigger than I ever was & he shows me a picture of him too & how big he was. I am impressed, this due has a very nice tanned body & looks nothing like his sister.

As we’re in the pokies area with no one else, we have two beers & it’s a probably like 11:00 pm on a Sunday night, so we say we should go, it’s colder outside for this short skirt I am wearing for January weather, when we get to my car, I stand there awkwardly, he leans up against my car & pulls me to him saying he’s cold, then he kisses me, he really kisses me. I know I have had sex with two men, but this kiss is probably one of the hottest I’ve had with a guy I don’t even know. His hand is up the back of my skirt & feeling my bareish ass as I wear cheekie lace panties… I can feel him get hard against me as I run my hands up his muscly arms. This is so sexy… I don’t know if I can resist him, I don’t know if I can resist not asking him back to my house… He says something about getting in the back of my car & I say that I don’t live far did he want to come back for a drink… WTF? He says of course & he follows me home, when we’re inside we have a beer, sitting outside as he smokes before he asks to take me into the bedroom.

He has a pretty big cock, it’s quite nice to have sex with, I feel fairly comfortable with this guy, even though there are red flags everywhere, I should have my guard up, I shouldn’t be doing this with him so quickly. Especially since earlier today he stood me up! What the fuck… I really need to get my vagina to catch up with my head sometimes… It really thinks for itself!


T**y #2

Well… You didn’t think there’d be a T**y #2 did you? Neither did I to be honest. I felt so stupid & foolish… I never realised that someone else could make me feel so foolish! I only thought Silverlining would have that power over me. However I realise that it is me who makes me feel foolish, I fall for this bullshit, because while I am not a desperado, I am 100% lonely & I want a partner. Remember that I WANT a partner, I don’t NEED it. But for some reason nothing ever works out for me. I hate it…

So just also to clarify what the significance of T**y, here is the link to the Psychic Fair blog where a psychic told me that I would meet someone called T**y (I am not going to write the name here or in the previous blog either) however all you need to know at this point, is that a psychic told me I’d meet someone with this name – maybe that’s the reason why I went against my gut instinct & tried to meet him?! Or why whenever I see the name, I think this is the guy she was talking about! I don’t know…

I literally get home from the failed date – the stand-up – one of the most humiliating moments of my life & there is a message from T**y on my chat app… I don’t want to look at it! I don’t want to even see what this guy has to say but I can see a little of the conversation in the notifications that he is messaging that he got held up & is 5 minutes away, he asks where I am & that he’s 2 minutes away. He says that he didn’t see me in there. It’s almost 1:00 pm, I mean we were supposed to meet at 12:15 pm, does he really think I am just sitting there like a shag on a rock by myself waiting for him?! I click on the messages so he sees that I read them & ignore – how passive aggressive of me. I get some question marks, then I get his phone number asking me to call him… Hmmmm. No one is that quick to give out their phone number on these apps, so my wall starts to come down – his name is T**y after all, he could be the one she was talking about, however I am not calling him. I am still pissed & tell him that I felt like a wanker, that was the first time I have ever been stood up. I hate that I got dressed in a cute dress & looked good today! Fuck him. I’m going to make him feel bad!

He says that he had a flat battery after getting petrol, he had to get a jump start. He sends about 5 messages saying he’s sorry & he wants to make it up to me, that he’s sorry for making me feel shit, he wants to make it up to me & take me out for dinner… This is a lot of effort for someone he hasn’t even met?! Why do men do this? Is he really interested in me? Is this what being chased feels like!?

I am still angry so I say that he could have messaged me, like it’s not hard to send a text to say “my car is broken down, I’ll be 20 minutes. So sorry” but nope I get something 45 minutes after we’re supposed to meet. I knew my gut instinct was right & why I didn’t go in the pub because something wasn’t right about this guy. I send him a picture of how I look & say ‘pity for you I look amazing today’ he says that I do look hot & he did want to meet me, begging to see me, asking how he can make it up to me. That he feels bad etc. He sends me some pictures of him & OMG, he has a nice fucking body! Plus he’s fucking cute… FUCK… My vagina must control itself… Do not get wet, DO NOT GET WET! Hahaha… Lucky my head is still fucking angry & it’s not like it was with Noodle/SilverLining, that I would be angry & still be dripping wet when he sent me pictures…

I tell T**y that I have family dinner tonight so I can’t. This afternoon was all I had. He asks about after dinner that he’ll be at his house in the suburb close to me all night & I say that I am not going to his house, he says he’ll come to mine which I also laugh at, there is no way I am allowing him to come to my house. He says sorry profusely, then gives me his number again, which I say it’s probably best not to chat to me right now. He senses that I am still angry – of course I fucking am, I have just been stood up for the first time in my life! Even when he said he was 2 minutes away it still took him 15 minutes to message again to say he was there. I ask him if I was supposed to stick around for 45 minutes, he agrees he would be annoyed too. I tell him that this is why I don’t meet people off the chat app & why I haven’t met anyone new in a really long time. He says that he was stressing about getting there on time that he just forgot to message, he’s been out of the loop meeting girls for a while & is a bit rusty. I ask though “You’ve met humans right?! Like if you were meeting your mum for coffee & was late because of a battery being flat, you’d message her?” He agrees that he’s a ‘wanka’ for not messaging but he wants to make it up to me. He keeps telling me to call him, I tell him I won’t call him but I will text him & I will save his name as ‘chat app dick’ which I do, so when I send him a text I say that I don’t even know his name, which he tells me is T**y – same as what it is on the chat app, nothing weird lots of people with common names use their name on the app. I mean when I met Silverlining, he was using his real name too. T**y asks me to call him but I say I don’t have time, but he asks again & before I get a chance to reply, he’s calling! FUCK. I hate when people call…

Ok so to be honest, we chat easily but I don’t let him off easy even though his voice sounds so fucking cute it’s melting my icy exterior rapidly. Double fuck. We talk for about 20 minutes before my sister rocks up to my house – I’d recently learned some new skills to take up my time, instead of looking for boys to chat too online, I had done some beauty courses & started a new hobby, my sister was on her way to get her eyelashes done. But the whole time I am with her, I am thinking about T**y. He messages me instantly to tell me I sound hot, but I reply that he know what I look like, he’s seen pictures, but he says that I sound hot too… I sit there doing my sisters lashes, wondering if I am going to give this guy a second chance or not. Should I? I gave Silverlining a second chance, surely this guy deserves one too? Yes he made me feel like a fool & yes he was the first person to stand me up ever… Does he deserve a second chance? Should I meet him? Afterall the psychic said that I would meet someone named T**y & he would be good for me. Surely this is the man, I decided to give up on dating & this is what the higher being sent me?! Perhaps I should just meet him for one little drink… What harm could that do?!



Now we’re at the start of 2020…. The no dating or chatting to men is going well! But this blog would not survive with a sex/dating drought from me… I mean it’s barely survived my writing hiatus…

So you’ll all recall if you’re a regular reader, that back when it ended with Silverlining (aka Noodle as he was known back then) the first time, I went to Psychic fair & was asked about a T**y in my life. Obviously at that point there wasn’t a T**y in my life. Motocross Brother was a T**y but I wasn’t attracted to him when he tried to chat to me. People that believe in psychics that I told about Motocross all believed that Motocross was the reason I would have a T**y & maybe the psychic just got it a little wrong. I was only interested in Motocross & was never going to go for his brother. But one friend apparently got goosebumps when I told her about the psychics prediction & that Motocross brother was T**y, she was adamant that that was the connection & that Motocross & I were what she was talking about… Well no such luck with Motocross – or his brother. Hahaha.

So since the Psychic, that has been the only T**y in my dating life, so we all assumed it was that. But whenever a T**y comes up on my online dating or my Facebook or anywhere, even at work, I think this could be the guy, the one the psychic said I’d be with… However as you all know that is not the case! Hahaha.

So when a T**y on the chat app starts joining groups he looks quite cute but I am 100% certain that the picture is not him at all, my interest is piqued… So much for the no dating in 2020. However in my experience, no one is ever that realiable on the chat apps, so I don’t even know why I start planning our future together! But I do start chatting to T**y & when he says that he’s 34, I know that the picture he has up is fake. He says what suburb he’s in & it’s one a bit further south than me. We seem to be the only ones on the chat app chatting, he’s asking me what is my favourite body part on a guy – which is their arms (especially if a bit muscly) & asks to private message me, which I say no, my usual response to be honest. He asks what suburb I’m from & what I’m looking for that I know he’s just looking to find someone to fuck. As soon as I say my suburb, he says that he’s in the suburb next to mine… Hang on?! Didn’t he another suburb before? I call him out on it & he says that he is just at one suburb but lives at the other then proceeds to ask me out publicly in the group, which I say that he didn’t verify (with a face picture) in another group I’m in & got deleted & because I’m convinced that his profile picture isn’t him & that he’s also confused about where he lives, that I don’t think I want to chat to him. He asks how to convince me, so I allow him to send me a face picture with him touching his ear (it’s a standard thing on this app to change where their finger is to stop people from using other people’s photos etc) He takes ages to send me a picture that someone but when he does & it’s a live picture like he was instructed & I think he’s pretty fucking cute… He sends me one with a huge grin, teeth showing then one almost the same with a smile but no teeth showing… Well 2 live photos, this guy is real… He’s fucking cute, in my age bracket, but only seemingly a bit confused about where he is living… I tell him that the profile picture isn’t him & he agrees saying that he doesn’t trust the app to put up his real picture. I agree, I mean after the whole Silverling debarcle, I changed to a bitmoji & hid for months. I only just changed my profile picture back to my actual face after realising that Silverlining is no longer on the app again.

All T**y asks is what I’m doing, which I am in bed & how old I am, which I tell him then he asks me about again, I mean like really… There is something not right about this, why is he pushing so hard, I mean he hasn’t even asked my name. He asks if I want his number & we can chat, I hate chatting on the phone – sometimes I do it all day for work, I don’t want to chat to someone random with awkward conversation. I’d rather text (which I know is dumb) but I also don’t really trust this guy, I am sceptical of him right now. I tell him “You’re cute & in my age bracket & geographical location… But I feel like we’re looking for different things though…”  He asks if I am looking for a relationship which I am not as you all know, I have decided to focus on the other things in my life at the moment & not date or fuck random guys that don’t give a shit about me. He says that he’s not sure what he wants & seeing what happens but I mean I’ve heard that before from Tim Tam while they go out & sow their wild oat thinking they want someone hotter & skinnier than me. He says though “Don’t want one night stand I know that. Getting too old for that.” As much as I want to believe him & fall for this line, I know that I’ve heard it before & maybe it’s true that they don’t want a one night stand but that’s how it turns out… “One day I want a relationship, yes… Not right now though” interesting words from him… I do have healing to do from Silverlining, so I agree with him too & lots of other stuff going on that I need time to myself “I don’t want a one night stand either but I hear that all the time from guys… What I want doesn’t exists so I just don’t bother with men. Hahaha” What a fucking lie, I mean I have been chatting to every fucking idiot on the planet, even when I said I didn’t want too… I don’t make resolutions as you know but I was going to take this year to be me. 2020 I was going to make wise decisions & here I am, day 11 & already talking to a guy I am not sure is telling me the truth!

He asks what I do want then, which I explain, is sort of what I had with Milky TBH. I knew he wasn’t looking for anyone else right in front of my face – for example in my group on the chat app. He was dating others because he’d told me about it, but he wasn’t throwing it in my face in a chat app. We were friends until I thought I caught some sort of feelings for him. Now I know what feelings are, I know that I can keep them separate this time. He says that he’s not keen to use the chat app anyway (Not this old chestnut) & says he’s probably going to delete it soon, I’ve heard that before & he says “Hang out & one person who you have good sex with. Why go anywhere else then??!!” Well yeah that’s what I want but I don’t really want the boyfriend title… I tell him that it’s pretty much impossible “Because most guys think with their dicks & they get scared that I’m going to fall for them if we hang too much or he sleeps over…” He says that he’s not like most guys, which fuck, if I had a dollar for every time that a guy had said that, I wouldn’t never work again!

I say that “I want to pretty much get to a point I don’t have to use condoms with someone I’m friends with, go to the movies with or hang & have dinner… whatever… But I don’t want a boyfriend” Why do I say this to men all the time? I mean I don’t think I want a boyfriend, but do I? I have no fucking idea what I want, let’s face it.

I have a moment where I am like “How did you get me to pm… I NEVER pm people…!” Fuck how did this guy get me to chat to him, that fucking cute smile got me all in a panty twist! WTF is wrong with me vagina, I did say that I was going to look after myself in 2020! He says that he didn’t want to chat in the groups, just to me, he says that he only verified with me & was just about to “bail & delete the chat app”  says that he’s not a fan & he can be bothered with all the rules… Yeah people take it all so seriously these days. I tell him though that he seems suss, with his weird picture, him not knowing what suburb he lives in & the fact that he keeps asking to catch up really quickly. Again I’ve heard this all before, yet somehow I am falling for it from this guy… Didn’t TT teach me anything? Am I so desperate for affection?!

We get onto the topic of my backyard for a bit & things he will do for me if we’re FWB then he asks to send pictures, I roll my eyes. I mean fuck, why do men do that… He sends me a picture of him with his dog & I send him another bitmoji (snapchat cartoon) picture, then he says “About 12” OMG, he wants 12 pictures?! No he says, he wants to meet at 12, tomorrow… It’s all happening so fast, but I find myself telling him that I won’t have much time & that I am not fucking him. But then he starts to write one word answers & so I say chat to me tomorrow, I’m going to sleep!

Next morning I wake up really early as my friend called me at 7:40 am to come over before she catches the ferry home to KI after being evacuated due to the fires… I wake myself up by trolling the groups on the chat apps, T**y has posted his cock in a group he knows I am in at like 2:30 am. Why the fuck do guys do that?! Clearly he’s just looking for a quick hook up, who else does that at 2:30 am? He finally messages me at 10:00 am saying ‘hey how are you?’ & 20 minutes later he asks if I’m still keen to catch up. I say that I can, but I only just got home from a walk at 11:30 am, so I say 12:15 pm. He says all good, to let him know when I’m free. I shower & get ready, trying not to put in too much effort, just as I’m about to walk out the door, I get a message from him thinking it’s going to be him saying he’s there already but it’s him asking if we can meet at 12:30 & should we meet at the outside part. I say lucky he messaged, I was just about to leave but 12:30 pm is fine & yes outside. I have this feeling… A feeling in my gut… This guy is catfishing me or something, something just isn’t right… I don’t know what but something isn’t right… I head to the pub & wait in the car till 12:35 pm for him to message but he doesn’t, so after another 5 minutes, I ask if he’s inside & his app is closed the little greyed out d like I often saw with Noodle waiting for him to open the app. I sit there for 10 minutes before I shake my head knowing I was right & I drive home. I try not to cry, in fact tears don’t come, I don’t want to ruin my eyelash extensions… He’s not worth it!

This might surprise you all, but this is the very first time that I have been stood up… I mean I didn’t go into the pub, so is it technically a stand up?! Fucking hell, I knew there was something about this guy, why didn’t I trust my instinct… Why did I agree to meet him… I mean after the final disaster of 2019, why didn’t I stick with my 2020 resloution. I feel like a fucking fool, I feel so stupid… I get home feeling like a fucking wanker! Can you not see why I got so entwined with Silverlining – TWICE!? Fuck I miss Silverlining. I hate being alone, I hate it… I am so fucking lonely & I miss talking to Silverlining about everything.



A few days before the end of 2019, I see this guy enter one of the rooms in the chat app. I barely private message anyone anymore & I haven’t chatted a lot to people since ending with Silverlining the second time. As you know Tim Tam & Elvis are the only guys I’ve been with since ending with him over 2 months ago. At the time of this story, Tim Tam is still in the picture, but he’s not been talking to me much, so I have been bored, chatting elsewhere but have definitely not fucking or interested in fucking anyone else. I hate that I have lost the one thing I wanted & I know that when Silverlining & I got brought back together, I had fucked everything under the sun & while it’s none of his business, I told him & don’t want to do that again, it was unfulfilling anyway, so I don’t want to fall into that trap again.

This guy starts chatting to me & he’s cute. We have good banter, but I think it’ll be nothing. He says that he’s having a trial separation from his FWB who he’s only been seeing a few months… What the actual fuck… Firstly, who even have a “trial” separation, either you separate or you don’t. I don’t even understand how that works, I understand taking a break but not a trial separation… & also it’s his FWB… This is a fucking huge lie that I don’t even give a shit about.

I end up giving him my snapchat, which I never give out because I hate that it’s my whole name, first & last. So I try not to give it to anyone. But I do to this guy…

When we’re chatting he sends a lot of pics, lots of pics of his tatts but not really ever of his dick, which is surprising for snapchat… He keeps talking to me about having a NSA thing, I don’t want NSA. I’ve been there done that. I am not sure I could have a functioning relationship while still in love with someone else, so I say that a FWB who is actually a friend not just a fuck buddy, but he says that he wants someone he can chat too whenever, not often & fuck whenever they both can get away! But also if we get over it or find someone else, then it’s done with no drama… Like I get where he’s coming from but the thing that fucks me off most about this, is why I am always the half-time lover. The in-between relationships lover. Why aren’t I ever the one that gets the man who’s ready for a relationship? I tell him I’m not really interested in this offer from him, I am sort of kinky & like to build trust, I’ve had enough one night stands in my time that I was someone regular. He then talks about tying me up, having his way with me then leaving the room… I’m like well it’s a pity you’re only looking for a one night stand. He tells me that he isn’t looking for one night but wants casual. Well everyone here knows that I don’t just let anyone be kinky with me. A guy has to earn that with me. Silverlining was the first man that I let do things to me after only fucking him a couple of times where I trusted him so much!

We’re chatting the day Elvis comes over, Elvis is running late & being annoying taking his time getting here. TT also says he’s deleting the chat app & that’s why I needed to add him on snapchat. However, this has all pissed me off, TT is still chatting in the groups I’m in & Elvis is supposed to be here to fuck me but hasn’t rocked up yet.

Later when TT is chatting, asking how the sex was, I tell him that it was good & he says that he wants to fuck me, but I’ve probably had my fix. Well yes, I have, Elvis was very good today in the bedroom, I don’t need more sex, plus I don’t know this guy enough to invite him over! Do I even want to invite him over?

So basically with this guy, every time I don’t reply within minutes, he messages to ask if I am alive. Because it’s snapchat I send a few pictures but nothing too elaborate as I don’t want to send him much but I send him a few things to keep him interested. I am also messaging him the night I am supposed to go out with Coutry who if you read along, you’ll know he bailed because of his sunburn. This guy is ready to come over but I don’t tell him that Coutry bailed.

TT invites him self over to my house, over & over again but I tell him that I don’t know him but I do say that I am super doper horny (what a surprise) but when he sends me a picture of his cock, it’s super long, which you all know that I don’t like as they hurt me, so I prefer a nice thick smaller cock to fit inside me. I don’t think I would even get his inside me without it hurting my ovaries.

He asks again & again & says that he can be there right now, but I say I don’t know him well enough. He says at 2:13 pm that he can be at my house but will leave need to leave by 3:00 pm, but I tell him that I think that we should meet at pub first, I mean I have seen pictures of his face & body & everything but I am not sure I want to get involved with a weirdo I don’t know. He talks to me about meeting him at a park instead of a pub & we can have a quick chat then we can go back to my house & have fun… I am tempted but I am also still reeling from my last failed whatever with Silverlining.

He keeps banging on about meeting today but I keep saying how it’s too quick, by the time he gets to my house we’ll have 30 minutes. He tells me that he wasn’t to jerk off & I am being frustrating, that he will go into work later. Who starts work at 3:00 pm on  New Years Eve?! Which is exactly what I say, he says he’s an engineer… Like really?!

When he gets in the car to come to my house, I haven’t even given him my address but he says that he’s driving south… WTF… I can’t believe I am doing this! He says we don’t need to fuck we could just 69 or something… Then I get “I’m super nervous” WTF. Why is he nervous?!

I give out my address & he says 20 minutes. Which mean I am going to be a one night stand or some sort of once off fuck. I bet I never see this guy again!

He comes over & in my door, he is shaking when he walks in, he’s acting like he’s never done this before.. We kiss for a bit in the hallway, I  take him down the hallway to my bedroom & he’s still shaking. He says to me that we should’ve met in a pub like I  had suggested. WTF?! Is he kidding… Does that mean he thinks I’m ugly or fat?! FUCK. I didn’t want to do this in the first place & now I am feeling like shit while this fuck wit can’t decide what he wants.

He jumps up & leaves… or I basically kick him out. He never speaks to me again but he stalks my snapchat stories for a few weeks before I delete him.


So I’m pretty sure that this guy had a partner & I was the first person he cheated with… I had used another phone to save all the snapchat messages by taking a photo of my phone rather than screenshotting.

FYI – Just so you know, he is still bouncing around the chat app in 2021… Do men think I’m that stupid to believe “I’m deleting the app, I’m so bored with it” OMG.

But this is when I actually make the resolution of sorts: No dating in 2020.