Fleaz #4

I don’t want wake up, this sex dream feels so real, I’m hot & sweaty, I squirm in the sheets… there’s a hand caressing my breast, tugging on my nipple, I feel light kisses on my shoulder, across my collar bone, up my neck, there’s a sexy low ‘hmmm’ that breaks the silence as the hand slides down my belly tickling my inner thigh, I moan eagerly, it startles me awake, my eyes shoot open, it only takes a second to realise that this is no dream at all. Where am I? I feel Conner’s mouth making its way down to engulf my nipple while his hand cups me, rubbing his fingers up & down my clitoris. I stretch out lazily remembering what I got up to last night, my muscles are so sore, thoroughly fucked sore, it feels heavenly, I stretch my arms up over my head, smiling with a throaty ‘hmmm’, my legs fall open. 

“Morning sexy” he smiles at me “always so ready hmmm, I like it” his fingers continue leisurely stroking my soaking wet core, I can feel how hard his cock against my leg.

“Morning… Mmmm…” I can barely get that pitiful greeting out. His fingers feel so good, Shit! I’ll have morning breath. I long to brush my teeth before he kisses me, I quickly check by breath by subtlety turning my head & breathing on my shoulder, but I don’t even get a chance to think about it before he is kissing me, our tongues greedily stroke each other, he moves himself to kneel between my legs which part further to allow him access, he swiftly puts on a condom but doesn’t enter me, he slowly walks his hands up the mattress to lower himself so he’s lying flat on me, so our faces are inches apart, his hands run from my armpit up to my hands where he pins them above my head, he moves his hips in an effort to slip his hard cock inside me. As he enters me, with speed & force, I let out a gasp, I love morning sex, what a way to be woken up! With his hands still pinning my arms above my head he begins to move in & out with a rapid pace, I am already close, for me this isn’t going to take long, I sense that Conner is the same. I don’t want it to end, but I also crave that sweet release. As he moves, I can’t help but moan loudly as my hips gyrate to match his rhythm, I lift my legs to wrap them around him, my feet trying to push him harder into me, I’m building quickly, Conner can sense it, he works harder & faster holding my eye contact, it’s so erotic when he does that, but also so intimate, you’re just fuck buddies Callan! I close my eyes & turn my head, letting out a loud moan.

“Look at me.” He’s inches from my face, our eyes meet, his arms outstretched with mine above my head, he doesn’t pay any attention to my clit, he just moves harder & faster, I’ve never come with just a cock before, my body betrays my thoughts & with his next thrust I come loudly

“Holy shit… Aaahhh.”

“Yes Kristie… Yes… Fuck.” He collapses on me, his hands loosen their grip on my wrists, but they remain above my head, I couldn’t move them even if I wanted to, he turns his head to nuzzle my neck with light kisses. Our breathing is rapid, our hearts beating a million beats per minute, my body is still pulsating, his cock still twitching inside me, I take a deep breath but it does nothing to control my breathing “You have no idea how tight you feel when you come” I hear his smile, I feel his eye lashes graze my neck as he opens & closes his eyes, I think he’s doing it on purpose, I don’t care it’s the best sensation. He slowly pulls out of me, he licks one long luscious lick up the length of the back of my ear Fuck! I almost come again. He chuckles as he rolls over to dispose of the condom. “You like that hey?” he’s grinning from ear to ear, with a cheeky school boy look, as he turns back to face me, I still haven’t been able to move anything but bring my arms back down to my sides, he leans in to do it again while brushing the palm of his hand gently over my nipple. My body shudders, Why does that feel so amazing? I mean if you think about it, it’s so gross, he is licking behind my ear. He looks so proud when he leans back on his elbow, his hand supporting his head. He continues to lightly palm my nipple, I squirm under his touch, I cannot be close to coming again when he’s barely touched my clit, can I? “Should I make you come like this?” his palm making light circles across my nipples, I can barely respond, it’ll take a bit more than rubbing my nipple Conner! But my body is betraying me & he is making me come! My back arches, pushing my breast harder into his palm, but he pulls his hand back to keep rotating in soft circles, ignoring my blatant need for something harder, he’s only using one hand but he gives both nipples the same amount of attention. I start to breathe so rapidly & moan loudly, my back again arches upon its own accord, he pulls his hand back so that his touch is light, he grazes my right nipple with his fingers, gently pulling the already erect bud

“Oh… god…” His does the same with my left nipple & I give the same response, he smirks, leaning down to kiss my neck, little feathery kisses along my collarbone, up to my jaw, “I’m…” I can hardly speak. I haven’t even come down from my last orgasm & here I am on the brink of another one.

“I know, I feel it, let go.” He whispers in my neck, his hand increases speed, his fingers flat, brushing back & forth across my erect nipples, my back arches again, my throat moans as I feel my orgasm surfacing, Holy shit, no one has ever made me come by only teasing my nipples before!  He licks behind my ear again & I shatter, its intense, probably the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had, my back aches my head off the pillow up to my elbows, I’m practically doing a backbend in bed, my eyes go blurry & I hear myself scream at the top of my lungs

“FUCK!”

*

I don’t know how long it is before I open my eyes again, Conner is lying on his side, facing me, with a huge grin on his face, it is impossible to ignore, my face breaks out into a thoroughly fucked smile too

“Welcome back” he actually has the nerve to laugh, I try to look annoyed, pulling the pillow out from under my head, I try to hit him but he gets hold of it & throws it behind him on the floor, leaning forward to pin me down to the bed, we’re both laughing, This is very coupley, watch your step Kristie. I snap the smile from my face & pull away from him, rolling onto my side facing Conner, as if he knows what I’m thinking, his arms pull me flat against his long body, tightly he hugs me, resting his forehead on mine, letting out a sigh, we lay there for only a minute, before he kisses my nose then he brushes his nose on either side of mine, An eskimo kiss!

We lay there for a while, I don’t want to move but I also feel like I need too, to get away from this intimacy. Conner takes another deep breath & locks eyes with me, grinning in a way that I know we’re going to end up having some sort of sexual encounter, after all that is why I’m here.

“Now I’ve got you all dirty, let’s get you clean.” He slaps my arse gently, I make an ‘ooh’ sound, he laughs, rolls away from me & out of bed. I hear Conner go to the bathroom, I look at my phone, it’s 7:45am All of that before 8am? Wow! There are several missed texts from Savannah & Rylee.

S: I knew you liked him Bitch! Watch out for fleas! Just sayin’

S: I can’t believe you ditched me tonight… it better be good, I will want details.

S: Are you ok whore? Call me in the morning! x. I giggle at Savannah’s texts, she was the one who set this up!

R: Let me know you’re ok. P.S You owe me a girl’s night out!

She’s right, I do. I was there for less than 2 hours & after swearing off men only a week earlier, then I go home with the first one that talks to me! I send a quick group  reply to the girls

K: I’m more than ok, I’m totally, completely, blissfully fucked! Talk later xxx.

Ha! Fucked in more ways than one! I can’t think about that now, I hear the shower running, throwing the covers back, I do not want to miss out on a dripping wet Conner. I peek around the bathroom door, he’s standing outside the glass shower cubicle, in all his naked glory, with his hand outstretched to test the water, he doesn’t seem fazed by his nakedness, even when he’s not hard his cock is impressive, I want to blush but I force myself to be confident, he’s given you multiple orgasms, kissed & touched every inch of your skin, this isn’t the time to be coy. I step into the bathroom, pulling my shoulders back, trying not to look at the floor but I am not able to make eye contact when he looks over at me, I let my gaze fall & I see his cock starting to stand up in attention, that I have that effect on him is enough to make me feel more confident. I brush past him, putting my own hand under the running water to test it, I turn to face him, stepping in backwards I grab his hand to pull him in with me, he growls a carnal cave man noise it makes me giggle.

We stand under the running water, his hands find my lower back, pulling me in close, my arms rest on his chest, he reaches behind me to get something off the shower shelf, he brings it in between us & without words he hands a toothbrush & toothpaste to me. I load the bristles with toothpaste, he opens his mouth, he expects me to brush his teeth? How odd! I can only assume it’s because he doesn’t want to let me go, I hope that’s the reason! I spend a few minutes brushing his teeth, he turns his head to spit out the excess. He shows me his pearly whites with a fake grin, to make sure I have cleaned them properly. I don’t rinse off the brush before reloading it with toothpaste, I make sure our eyes are connected before I put it in my mouth & start to brush my own teeth. He growls again, pulling me closer, this turns him on! I feel his now hard cock against me,I spit out the excess & rinse out my mouth with the running water, Conner grips my hair & his lips hungrily find mine, his tongue parting my lips, once he gains access he massages my tongue with his own, his hand from my hair slides down my front, paying special attention to the erect nipple that is aching for his touch, so soon after being the centre of attention, he tugs gently as he steps forward, pinning me against the cold tiles, his hand keeps moving south, he finds what he’s looking for & my legs oblige by spreading to give him free range, his hand on my back slides down my thigh, gripping it to lift my leg on a 90 degree angle, this easily allows his fingers to enter me, slowly at first, his grins

“So ready again?” he starts darting his fingers in & out faster, his thumb finds my clit to tease, feeling brave, I squeeze his cock  

“When this is near, yes…” I lick my lips

“Damn!” he smiles, then his mouth crushes mine again, his fingers driving me crazy, I can feel how close I am again, his fingers stop, his hand comes to rest underneath my other thigh “put your legs around my waist” he lifts me with ease, impaling me as he pins me to the wall, which frees one of his hands to assault my nipple as he pumps in & out of me, the cold hard tiles on my back are a welcome contrast to the hot skin on skin.

“Don’t worry I’ll pull out before I come” he snaps, as if reading my mind.

“It’s ok, I’m on the pill.” It’s like his cue to go a little harder, my fingernails dig into his muscly back,

“Thank fuck for that” He pumps even harder again “You feel so incredible” I can’t really get my hips to move in this position but as he tweaks my nipple, I come hard, digging my fingernails harder in to his flesh

“Conner… oh… my… god!” His hand leaves my nipple & grabs my thigh, both his hands grip hard, pulling them towards him to gain an even harder thrust, he shudders with no words & fills me with his come. Still pinned to the wall, Conner supports us with one hand under my butt & the other on the wall, his face buried in my neck, I am limp in his arms. There are no words to describe how incredible sex is with him, I am going to be so blissfully sore from these escapades. I’ve had years of absolutely no sex at all & then one really bad lay to this, mind-blowing orgasms! Talk about karmic pay back!

#IBD4U

Fleaz #3

As he opens his front door & ushers me inside, I suddenly feel shy, after what he’s just done to me in the taxi, the kiss in the bar, the kiss in the street, every sexy thing he’s said, there is no reason why I should be shy, especially in light of why I am here. You are here to have sex with him Callan, this is no time to be shy! But I don’t really know what the protocol is with a fuck buddy, can I take off my shoes?

I look around at the décor in his living room, it really suits him, minimalistic, hip & modern but not pretentious. There’s an oversized low white leather couch, a 65 inch flat screen TV & a huge Max Dupain retro black & white print. The walls aren’t white but are close to white, it smells freshly painted but not like it was done last weekend, just fresh enough that I knew he cared about how his place look. Everything is oversized & manly, but I get the feeling it’s not just slapped together, I wonder if he decorated himself, or maybe an ex did it? Do you really want to go there Callan?

Conner throws his keys on the side table then comes up behind me, distracting my thoughts by kissing my neck & putting his arms around my waist, he steps forward making me move down the hallway towards what I gather will be his bedroom. I take my necklace off as we walk, knowing that it might not survive a night of passion. I can’t hold back my groan, I tip my head back as we stop moving once we reach his bedroom, standing in front of his mirrored wardrobe door, one of my hands reach around to Conner’s neck, his hand explores underneath my top finding my breast, he skims under my bra & finds my nipple. I let out a moan, it feels so unbelievably good & so erotic watching him. His hands move with such ease to the hem of my singlet, as he lifts it over my head, he makes eye contact with me in the mirror, I am so self-conscious that I try to cover my fairly flat stomach, yet I can’t break eye contact with him, he pulls my hands down to my side as his hands continue to the back of my skirt, his hands reach the zip of my skirt & he pulls it down, letting it fall in a puddle around my feet, even more self-conscious standing there in only my heels, bra & matching lace g string, I try to cover myself by splaying my hands across my belly, Conner entwines his fingers through my mine, pulling my hands down to my side again.

“You look so sexy, don’t hide” he traces kisses along my shoulder, pressing his erection into my butt & I no longer feel as self-conscious. I turn to face him, lifting his shirt up to revel his muscly chest, he has hard abs that I can see their definition, I pull the shirt up but he’s too tall for me & Conner has to finish taking it off, my hands get a chance to run down his rippled chest to his belt, he kicks off his shoes, his hands pull me close & grabs my ass, he lets out a groan, I have to arch my back & lean so I can continue to take off his pants. I slowly undo his belt, carefully undoing his jeans button, grasping the zipper & pulling it down, without touching his cock. I can feel how tight his jeans are with his erection trying to escape, I run my fingers gently along the top of his jeans, to the side belt loops & pull them down. He helps me by stepping out of them, he seems so comfortable standing there in only his grey Diesel boxer briefs, he doesn’t make any moves, he holds my stare, his hands resting on the band of my g sting, his thumbs gently stroking up & down, this gaze is too much, too intimate. He is a professional fuck buddy Callan, it’s not real! Hmmm do I really want to think about that?

I slowly bring my hands slowly up his butt, my arms under his, my elbows rest at his hip but my hands skim flat up his back to rest my fingertips on his shoulders, I gently push him down to kiss me, he obliges kissing me passionately, his tongue seeking mine, he tastes less of beer now, just a sweet taste of Connor. His hands caress my back & reach my bra which he unclips with ease, sweeping his hands along my shoulders to pull my bra down my arms, he discards it on the floor, looking hungrily at my breasts, he leans down to kiss one while his other hand teases the other nipple. I arch my back again, throwing my head back to give him better access, steadying myself with my hands still under his arms & up his back. He spends several blissful & tortuous minutes kissing, sucking & nibbling on each nipple, giving each the same attention with his mouth & his hand. I can’t hold in the murmurs that rise in my throat, for two people who are not in love & have just basically defined themselves as fuck buddies, this is the most intimate moment of my life.

He’s also making deep throaty sounds, like a brief hum, low & deep in his throat as he continues to torture my nipples with his mouth, his hands slide down my sides to hook his fingers in my g sting, slowly he slides them down my hips bending as he pulls them further down, he continues his kissing assault in between my breasts, going lower & lower in a straight line, as he reaches his knees, he stops kissing my belly before he reaches that sweet spot, he smiles up at me briefly then looks down to help me step out of my underwear.

My hands find his shoulders to steady myself partly because I am still wearing my heels & partly because I am so turned on I don’t know if I can stand alone anymore, he tosses my g string aside, his hands graze the backs of my legs as he plants soft kisses up my right leg, just above my knee, several along my thigh, his hands reach my ass, he grips it firmly as his kisses continue up my inner thigh, higher & higher, until I involuntary part my legs to give him access, my hands run though his unruly hair, as he starts to lick & suckle on my clit. His hands are holding me firm & keeping me from moving my hips, which are aching to match his rhythm. The low humming in this throat keeps my mind from overthinking about what he is doing to me, I can tell this is turning him on too, he is so good at this, he gently sucks & I feel my orgasm building.

“Yes…. Hmmm…” I can barely form a word, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stand up for, my knees are weak, I grab a fistful of his hair, without realising I push his head deeper while I spread my legs more & push my hips forward. I feel him respond with a chuckle & he picks up the pace, he sucks a little harder then laps at my clit with soft little licks, I can barely stand it, I rise to my tippy toes as much as I can in my high heels, but he moves with me, sucking again long & hard “Fuck… Conner… Oh… My… God…” I scream, just as he predicted as my orgasm takes over. That was even better than the taxi orgasm!

As I come back down to earth, I settle back down in my shoes & my hands that are still gripped tightly on his hair let go of his locks, he continues to leisurely lick as I my body sends little convulses in a post orgasmic way throughout my weak body. When my breathing starts to slow down, there is no chance of it returning to normal with Conner around, he starts to stand up, licking his lips suggestively.

“You taste so good” Gah! Did he just say that?  I blush. His finger brushes my blushing cheeks “No need to blush Kristie” He holds both my arms out, while looking me up & down, I probably should be self-conscious but his eyes tell me he likes what he sees “You are sexy especially since you are still in those fuck me heels” Shit, are these fuck me heels? Not letting go of my hands, he pulls me closer by tucking our hands behind his back, it’s lucky he is holding me up, 4 wines & 2 orgasms I’m now ready for a sleep. Ha! I think sleep is the last thing on Conner’s mind.

His hands come up to frame my face as he leans down to softly kiss my lips, he takes a few steps forward, forcing me to step back until I feel the bed against my legs, he sits me down carefully, still feathering chaste pecks on my lips, I feel him lowering his boxers, not wanting our lips to part, he takes off his boxer shorts in record time. Round three! I scoot back on the bed, as he crawls up with me, still placing small kisses on my lips,his hand starts to explore my curves & his mouth comes down harder on mine for more erotic kisses & he finally lays down next to me, I feel his naked erection on my thigh, wow, that is… wow! I reach down to take his cock in my hand, I give it a little squeeze & start moving my hand up & down, Conner rolls onto his back, putting his hands behind his head, I roll with him onto my side to continue my pay back, as I squeeze & pump his impressive length, he closes his eyes & savours the feeling, I can feel him starting to build, it’s such a turn on to watch his face as I pleasure him. One of his hands moves to run over my hair, he grasps a handful at the nape of my neck with a sharp intake of air

“Fuck Kristie” he groans as I continue. “I don’t want to come in your hand” he growls, swiftly rolling over, pushing me back into the mattress. He’s lying flat on me, the weight of him is bliss, he kisses me, will I ever get enough of his sweet tender kisses? Fuck, where did that come from? I blink myself back to the present, as if they have a mind of their own, my legs part & Conner brings his knees up by my butt to kneel in between them, looking down at me, I feel so wanton & sexy, he lifts each foot to his shoulder, running his hand over my ‘fuck me heels’

“Don’t take these off!” Man, that is so kinky! With both ankles resting on his shoulders, he slides a finger into me, as if he needed to do any more prep work, he takes a sharp intake of breath, “You’re so ready for me” I groan, he produces a condom, which he slides it on quickly & efficiently without having to take his hands off me for too long, his thumb quickly returns to circle my clit again & again, while his cock rests, heavy at my opening but he doesn’t move, his thumb is torturous.

“Please… Fuck me” I plead, where did that come from? I’ve never said anything like that to a man in bed before. Not even to my only long term boyfriend Dominic, but then again Dominic never said anything like that to me, He also never made you feel this way in the three years we were together? I’m writhing with pleasure, my head on the pillow is turning from side to side, my hands try to reach Conner’s backside to pull him into me, but they fail only just reaching his sides, but not far enough to get a grip on him. “Please just fuck me Conner.”

“Oh, I intend to.” He snickers, so much promise. My hips try to move, but they only cause his cock to tease me more, as I can feel myself start to build again with only his thumb working me, I let out a loud moan of pleasure, Conner takes this as his cue with his free hand, he guides his cock into my entrance, as he pushes excruciatingly slowly into me, his thumb stops moving, he doesn’t take his eyes off me & I can’t look away, I feel every inch of his hard cock enter me, he fills me thoroughly, just when it feels like he won’t fit, I tilt my pelvis up to accommodate the whole length, he groans. He pulls out just as slowly as he went in “Fuck, you feel so good” He repeats the agonising entry & exit, just as slowly as before, his thumb starts to circle again, his other hand tickling my outer thigh, which is still resting on his shoulder. As his thumb works their magic, he picks up the pace too, I don’t know if I have the energy to come again, but my body doesn’t care, my hips gyrate on their own, I arch my back & moans escape my mouth. His free hand softly grazes one of my nipples, springing it to life & then he pinches it as he thrusts harder.

“Ahhhh… don’t stop… I’m close…” he smiles & pinches my nipple again. I can barely see anything, my vision blurring with pleasure

“Yes… Kristie, come with me” he only has to grind into me twice more before my body clenches around him & I scream out with pleasure. “Fuck you’re so tight when you come” he groans as his thumb stops making circles, he uses both his hands to support himself, resting them on the bed by my breasts, he thumps into me a few more times & he calls out “Ohhhh… Fuck…” He was right, that was incredible! In fact this whole night has been incredible, I don’t even know how many amazing orgasms he’s given me, I didn’t even know it was possible to have so many in one night. How will I ever recover from this when he walks away? Don’t think about that now, live in the moment! Pfft, easier said than done.

Conner guides my legs off his shoulders & slumps between them, on top of me, we’re both heaving, sweaty & totally fucked. I can barely keep my eyes open, Conner is still inside me, I can feel myself still pulsing involuntarily, as I try to take deep breaths & slow my heart rate, I can’t help but think about the last 4 hours, that was probably the most intense, sexually charged 4 hours anybody has ever lived, do I want more? Hell Yes!

Conner slowly lifts his head & kisses me, his tongue parting my lips, entering my mouth, probing my tongue into action, I can’t help but respond to this with my own tongue. He discreetly pulls out of me & rolls onto his back, taking me with him, so my head is on his chest, his strong arm around me & with a thoroughly fucked sigh, his fingers begin to tickle my overly sensitised arm that has lazily flopped on his chest.

“Did that pass the test?” he breaks the silence.

“What?” I look at him perplexed, what test? With both his hands are tickling my skin, it feels so fucking lush that I can’t even think.

“The incredible test?” I can hear the smile in his voice. He wants me to pump up his ego, I’ve never been very good at that, he knows he passed, how he can even ask that when he’s still tickling my skin & my breathing has not returned to normal, so I steal Mr Big’s line from Sex & the city, I whisper “Abso-fucking-lutely!”

#IBD4U

Motocross #28

That’s the longest thing Motocross has ever said to me too… This is just nuts. What the fuck do I say to that?! I guess now he’s said it via message he doesn’t have to see me… So I just say a standard “that’s ok” but he pursues this line of chatter about how he’s a dick etc. How he is going to continue you this conversation when he sees me. Ironically we text all evening, he knows I am home, he knows where I live, hell he’s even rocked up here before without really a plan, so if you were really sorry, wouldn’t you come over & make amends if you really felt that bad?

When I mention that he says that he didn’t know he’d be welcome, well I am stupidly still talking to the fuckwit?! Hahaha… I mean surely he must know that I wouldn’t have kicked him out. He just constantly blames his time management skills & that he runs out of time when he’s in Adelaide… Does he really think I am that stupid? He says that he would have come over but I didn’t write back quick enough, I have just started my new job & I am based in my bosses office & don’t know how long that will be for.

He says I’m being mean, I say that I am not going to go easy on him, I mean this guy deleted me after I sent him a bra picture, he says he didn’t but that’s a fucking loan of crap… He talks the talk, he always has really – like he’s to catch me off guard & surprise me etc. He asks me what I am doing, I say that I just had a shower & got into bed. Now correct me if I am wrong, but 99% of men would take this as an invitation to invite themselves over, or start talking sexy. NOPE! Not Motocross… He starts saying things that don’t make sense about shower sex, when I say that it’s not easy with my height etc he says “one day that may change” Like dude, I am almost 40, my growing is done!

We talk about the one & only time he slept over, he is adamant he spooned me, I don’t think he did, I would have to re-read the start of the Motocross story to remember to be honest, I forget a lot of crap or perhaps I block the crap that happens!

He asks if I am frustrated – his code word for him to ask if I am horny, I ask why & he says that he’s just asking, like seriously, the dude can’t even flirt!!! It’s so annoying.

He seems to think I am having lots of sex though & he doesn’t want to cut anyone’s lunch. Well besides Marvel, I am not fucking anyone else… With good reason! I mean if this is what I have to put up with, I am never giving up Marvel! This is so much hard work, FFS!

He says that he has a high sex drive, I say that’s bullshit, he knew he had me for sex, I had told him my sex drive was high, I wanted sex daily, twice a day if I could. He says that he does have a high sex drive when I tell him these facts “Bollicks I do have a massive huge drive just your shitty Sharknado got me scared” Well I spit out my drink, that’s actually funny! Hahaha. I’ve never had a guy come over weekly, sometimes twice a week to watch movies who has such a high sex drive. What is it? Is he just looking for a friend? Does he think I am fat? Does he think I am ugly? Does he not find me sexy, but enjoys hanging out with me? Is he not single? But then how could he see me so often & for as long when we first dated? I just could never work out this guy ever…

We get onto the topic of my vibrators, of course I feel like he’s wanting a snapchat of me using it, which he isn’t going to get, this guy is weird, I can’t figure him out, I can’t figure this out… Another night spent messaging back & forth with ridiculous flirting that I can’t work out… I am at a complete loss with this guy. I say that I am not sending him anything, last time I did he disappeared, he replies “I’m not disappearing btw.” While I don’t believe him, I also am sucked in… so I snap after more conversation “You probably could’ve been here, fucking me 4 times & gotten home every night this week & you haven’t”, he asks if I would have done that & I seriously think this guy has had one to many motocross crashes… Is he broken?

We then start talking about me in what I was wearing the time he came over, acted weird & then left to get his mechanic, he talks about my underwear & stuff, then I get nothing. He reads the message & I never get a reply. A reply was coming instantly, now it’s done. Ok I put my phone down & just assume he’s deleted me again… I need to just walk away from this fucking guy.

The next morning, I get a message & then him saying that he thought I was ignoring him because I didn’t reply, but then he realised that he didn’t hit send… OMG. Does he really think I believe this… I am sick of the messages all night & no action, this is getting so old. But he says that if I have someone else waiting not to let him stop me, yeah right dude, I’d be waiting forever if I waited for him, I wouldn’t be messaging him, being cheeky, if I was waiting for someone else. Is he seriously that stupid?!

In the end I say I’ll leave it with you, have a good day. He then replies to a snapchat of a mess the dogs have made with a fluffy toy, I say it’s all clean & he said it’s a fair mess… I mean this is the conversation you have with a fuck buddy guy with a high sex drive?! He seems to want the conversation to keep going when he asks how my day was & I ask how his was & he says something about studying. “I’m getting my pilot license” If you aren’t laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you! Hahaha… I ask if he is going to buy a plane & he says that he is already looking to buy one. Yes of course he is! What a fucking load of bullshit!

I ask where he is flying me & he says I need a boarding pass – fuck he really can’t flirt, he’s got an actual problem with flirting…

I tell him about how I fell over on my morning walk with the dogs & lost an ear bud, he asks if I am now missing one, but I say that I found it because not all of us have enough money to buy a plane, so he says that he’s sponsored by Skull Candy & so he doesn’t care if he loses one or not… OMG. If I didn’t have screenshots of this conversation, I wouldn’t believe this crap!

He says “I’m pretty keen now tbh” & I ask what, he’s going to have to fucking say it, but he doesn’t, he say “Keeeen for can’t say” with a winky face, what is wrong with him? For over an hour he dances around the subject that I am over it but he says that he’s keen to see me in those outfits. WHAT? What fucking outfits?! I stop replying after saying I’ll leave it with him, that I’ve been hearing this for over a week.

Next day, I get a message “Hey what are you plans tomorrow evening” I have family dinner then nothing why, “Oh yeah okay was just asking” OMFG Motocross, asking for what?! He says he’s just asking in general, I tell him he’s confusing, but then he says that he was just asking if I was doing anything or him – omg finally a bit of directness. He says that he’ll plan to come over but I tell him that he can’t sleep over for morning sex as I have to work. I ask if he’ll have enough time for an activity, he asks what activity. I explain that I am an adult, that I can say sex.

To my surprise, he comes over after my family leave on Sunday night. I have a glass of wine, he brings a can of mountain dew. I put the dogs in their crates (I’ve crate trained for sleeping) & we sit awkwardly, to be frank, I barely remember the evening, I remember him being awkward trying to lift my dress up to see my panties, then puts it down & sits on his side of the couch. He does this a few times before I just take matters into my own hands & turn to him. We kiss, get naked & I suck his cock. He fingers me badly before we go into my bedroom. I get out an condom as we walk into the room & he lays me down & climbs straight on top of me. We have sex for a while, I am no where near close to cumming, ever or at all & we swap positions a few times. He keeps asking if I’m ok, which is quite sweet, when I ask if he’s ok, he says “I’m an athlete.” Neither of us cum but we stop & he just lays down for a while, mainly talking about me turning 40 as my dress is hanging up on the window ledge.

He then gets up & gets dressed – so now he’s leaving without either of us cumming?! However he says that he almost came in my mouth… I let my dogs out to go to the bathroom & he is weird with them again, they don’t jump cos they are tired but he hovers around until they are back in bed, then he leaves saying he’ll chat soon. I say goodbye.

I never hear from him again, about 2 weeks later I send a message “I didn’t realise you were the type of guy to fuck someone & not speak to them again, considering you said you didn’t want to do an activity & just leave…” He reads it straight away & never replies.

Anyhoo… While writing this blog about 4 months later, Motocross has been looking at every single snapchat story & has never messaged me… But FUCK ME SIDEWAYS – I accidentally screenshot a snapchat from our chat, while reading them & writing about our conversations– which sends a fucking notification to Motocross, doesn’t it! FUCKING FUCK STICKS. He looks at it a few minutes later, then it comes up saying that all my snapchats will be stored until Motocross as you as a friend. OMG. So he’s deleted me again! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! This story is over!  

#IBD4U

Fleaz #2

Here is another instalment of my fiction. Just as I said before, I didn’t edit this much at all… Some of the references & clothing descriptions, I don’t even remember what was fashionable. But it’s interesting to leave as I wrote it back then!

I look at myself in the mirror of the bathroom, get a grip Callan, you’ve given up on the whole dating/men thing, this isn’t a good idea. I wipe under my eyes, pinch my cheeks & finger my hair, trying to regain some of the confidence I had at Savannah’s house when I walked out of the bedroom. Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, you have to face the music sometime Callan! Now that I’ve run off & hid in the toilet blocks like a school girl, what will he say? I wonder if he left the bar already?

As I pull the bathroom door back, he’s standing there leaning casually against the wall opposite the open door, my eyes gaze up & down the 6 foot man in front of me dressed in blue Levi 510 skinny leg jeans, which not many men can pull off unless they are gay, but he makes them look hot. The tight dusky blue long sleeve Element shirt with three open buttons at the neck show off his ripped chest & strong muscly arms, even though he is completely covered. He pushes off the wall, smiling at me, with those sexy dimples creasing his cheeks, as I walk out. I smile back & start to walk back down the hall find the girls. I have to get away from him but I barely take two steps when he takes a double step, stopping me by putting his hand up on the door frame, by my head, essentially trapping me in a corner. Shit, he was waiting for me? Of course he was! He leans down slightly holding my gaze, I stop breathing & blinking, my heart starts to pound harder in my chest. His aftershave is intoxicating, I realise what he’s wearing, Le Male by Jean Paul Gaultier, my absolute favourite smell. This man affects me too much, I don’t want to say no, my god I want to say yes but I cannot go through another dating disaster. He’s not offering you boyfriend status Callan.

“I promise you” he pauses, not breaking eye contact, he’s so good at ‘the stare’ I can’t look away from him “it will be incredible” He licks his lips & looks at mine. Fuck, Fuck Fuck, I am in trouble! I think he’s going to kiss me; I instinctively lick my own lips. I want him to kiss me, I urge him to kiss me. Please just kiss me! I can’t lean in anymore, I am so scared & cannot afford to get hurt again – even if it is supposed to be stingless fun, I can see myself getting attached already. This is not a good idea Callan.

“And what if it isn’t?” I ask as he smiles

“Trust me, it will be!” His free hand comes up to tuck a wayward hair behind my ear; I swallow at such an intimate gesture. His hand slides down my hair to my shoulder, down my arm, ever so slightly grazing my breast as he moves it down my body, my skin tingles under his touch. His hand finally rests on my hip, pushing me gently back flush against the wall. His other hand comes to rest under my hair at the nape of my neck. He is so close to me, I can feel his breath on my cheeks, it smells of toothpaste & beer. “Fuck, you are so sexy Kristie” I melt. No one has ever said that to me before. Lucky he is holding me against the wall because I feel my knees buckle. I know that I am already in big trouble if I go through with this. He’s looking at me so intently & for so long that I start to wonder why he hasn’t kissed me. He takes a step towards me, his hips pinning me to the wall, he moves his hand from my hip to my chin where he uses one finger to tilt my face up towards him. The anticipation of a kiss is so hot, his stare is burning with desire & I start to believe his words. He slowly leans down to brush his lips to mine for a lingering soft kiss, he takes another step in & both hands frame my face as he deepens the kiss, he parts my lips with his tongue, slowly & sensually he probes my mouth. My limp hands finally find their purpose, one comes up to rest on his muscly arm while the other one finds the back of his neck & grazes his hair. My tongue starts to explore his mouth too, his hands move to the back of my neck while the other slowly moves down the side of my body more deliberately this time brushing my breast, lingering on my hip before finally going around my back to pull me closer to him. I feel his erection against my belly for the first time & I feel myself really surrendering to his kiss.

This is not at all how I expected him to kiss at all, with such passion & tenderness. From his proposition, I expected him to be a ‘wham bam, thank you ma’am’ kind of guy. This guy really can kiss!  He slowly starts pulling away & I can already tell that I want more, he kisses the side of my face all the way down my neck to my collar bone, where he feathers little kisses, then back up my neck to behind my ear, I shudder. Fuck, this is so hot! He looks up, his green eyes blazing & dilated. He rests his forehead on mine, staring into my eyes, both our breathing rapid, he lets out a sigh in what seems like an attempt to calm his breath “See?” Both his hands come up to frame my face & pull me in for another kiss. I lean into several light feathery pecks on my lips. He smiles against my lips & finally pulls away, not letting go of me, obviously sensing how weak at the knees I am. All this from just one kiss? I try to gain some of my equilibrium. How is that going to be possible after what was possibly the best kiss of my life? “Let’s get outta here?” he straightens & clears his throat, grabbing my hand but I can barely speak, I only shrug & nod all in one awkward stupid movement. He leads me out to Savannah & Rylee on the dance floor, they are grinning at me like school girls & they know what I am about to say.          

“Whoo Hoo!” Savannah shouts over the music, I can only laugh & promise to call her in the morning.

Fleaz leads me outside of the bar, never letting go of my hand through the crowds, he waits till I am beside him before he starts walking down the street, he pulls me close by tucking our entwined hands behind my back. As we pass a group of people, we have to move off to the side & almost up an ally way, he skips in front of me & swiftly moves me, a few steps up the ally & against the wall, with no preamble; he kisses me hard & passionately. My hands grab at his hair & caress his arms, he hugs me tightly his hands grabbing my butt, our tongues exploring each other’s mouths like there is nothing else left for them to do. As I feel his cock against my belly, I realise how turned on I am & how soaking wet my underwear is going to be if we don’t get back to his place soon. Fuck! What underwear am I wearing? I involuntarily make a soft moaning sound, he pulls back gently, leaning his forehead on mine, he’s smiling.

“That’s a sexy little sound” His fingers run over my swollen lips. “Let’s go, I don’t want to get arrested for fucking you in the street.” Right now, I think I would let him! He pulls me in front of him, both his hands around my waist, I suspect it’s to hide his protruding erection, we start walking in unison, it feels so natural & easy, alarm bells start to go off in my head, I try to ignore it. Fleaz sees a taxi, he grabs my hand & leads me to the roadside, hailing the cab, holding the door open for me like a true gentleman, I write this off as his how-to-get-the-girl-to-sleep-with-you move. No moves required Fleaz, you had me at ‘so are you having a good night?’

“Um… So… What is your real name?” He laughs & I swear the taxi driver does too.

“Conner” I like that much better than Fleaz, he pulls me into his nook & my head falls sleepily on his shoulder I must not fall asleep in the taxi. His hand is high on my thigh rubbing his thumb back & forth, its turning me on even more, if that’s even possible. I squirm slightly in my seat, Conner shifts too, moving his body sideways in the seat, his arm around my shoulders pull me in for another passionate kiss, he places soft trailing kisses down my neck. Fuck that feels amazing, his hand caressing my thigh, pulls both my legs up over his so I am almost sitting on his lap, his hand moves slowly up my skirt, I instinctively part my legs to allow him access, You’re in a taxi Callan, as his hand reaches my lacy G-string, he groans in my mouth, the taxi driver clears his throat loudly, we stop kissing & I giggle looking away completely mortified but Conner doesn’t remove his hand from up my skirt, he just rubs his thumb up & down where he has access. “Not much further” he whispers into my neck, I can’t even concentrate with his hand moving so deviously between my legs, the taxi driver can’t see what he is doing down there, but he’s careful as he continues to kiss my neck “You are so ready Kristie, I fucking love that.” Shit, he can feel how wet I am through the lace? I close my eyes, tilting my head back on the head rest as Conner continues this sweet torture knowing I can’t make any noise, I bite my lip. “I can’t wait to get you naked.” Oh My God! HOT! No one has ever said anything like that to me before. Conner pushes my underwear aside & his fingers delicately stroking in slow precise circles, my hips start to gyrate with his rhythm, my hands reach up to the roof of the taxi, he slips one finger inside me, then two fingers slowly pumping them in & out, his thumb circling around & around.

“Ah!” I feel my orgasm building, Fuck! Really? In a taxi? & suddenly I don’t care, Conner is kissing the length of my neck, biting my ear lobe, his fingers pick up the pace, swirling around inside me, my breathing is so rapid, I can feel how close I am…

“Turn right here” Whatthefuck? My eyes spring open, oh he’s giving directions. I almost laugh out loud, but his fingers don’t stop, they move faster with a more desperate need, his lips return behind my ear – my secret erogenous zone. How does he know that, I always thought that I was weird? But as he continues to put kisses there, I am lost as his fingers slide in & out of me, his thumb toying with my clit, I come apart in the back of the taxi, I bite my lip to stop myself from screaming out, Conner nips at my neck & I feel his eyelashes sweep open & close on my sensitive skin. I shudder & my hands fall down like limp dead weights. I try to control my breathing so as not to give myself away to the driver, but I fail miserably.

“Next time, you will scream!” he whispers so close to my ear, I open my eyes, he’s staring directly into them with a huge school boy dimply grin, he winks & without breaking eye contact with me, he puts his two fingers in his mouth that have just been inside me & sucks on them, he makes a ‘hmmm’ sound & all I can do is blush. Did he really just do that? I am so thankful for the dim lighting in the cab as we pull up at his house, I swear my face is brighter than a fire engine.

#IBD4U

Fleaz

I posted on my Facebook about a fiction story I wrote & if anyone would be interested in reading it. A few people said yes, so here it is. This story is about a guy I never actually dated & when I recently found the chapters, only then did I tell my friend…

This is completely fiction, some of it did happen as I have written – like the friends & descriptions, but this guy didn’t have a blog post, so this was just my overactive imagination. I will post more if there is positive reaction to this one. I haven’t ever shared any of my fiction work before, except the erotica that I posted on here. This is mostly unedited, I haven’t changed a lot since I wrote this in 2013, except for some grammar things that I noticed. I hope you enjoy!

“That is it, I’m done” I pick my cocktail glass up in a fake ‘cheers’ before taking a long swig. My best friend Savannah gives me a look, a look that says ‘not if I have anything to do with it.’

“No way Kristie, what about Fleaz?”

“Oh My God” I say dramatically “If you suggest him one more time, I’m going to kill you” I roll my eyes. I had met Fleaz a few times through Savannah’s husband & secretly I thought he was really cute but I couldn’t get past the fact they call him ‘Fleaz’, what a horrible nickname! I didn’t even want to know why. He was tall, but then again everyone is tall to my 5 foot 3 stature. His short blonde, almost curly hair was unruly & never looked brushed but it was unbelievably sexy. Why couldn’t I tell Savannah that I had a little crush on him? It might have something to do with the terrible nickname, so instead I spurt my new found philosophy to her

“I’m so sick of everyone coming to me & saying ‘hey Kristie what about blah blah?’ Just once I would like someone to come to me & say ‘hey Kristie, blah blah likes you, what do you think?’ then I don’t have to look like the dickhead when you go back to blah blah & he say ‘Kristie, hell no, not that bitch!’” I sigh & take a swig of my margarita. I could see the cogs in Savannah’s head turning but Savannah had never lived through any of this, she met her husband in high school, I was still on the dating merry-go-round from hell & it sucked.

This year had to be one of the worst year for my dating track record, I was really giving up hope I’d ever find a boyfriend. I had dated so many men with weird stories that a lot of my friends had suggested I write a blog. I did actively want a partner, I was looking for that, but things never seemed to go well with any man that I just didn’t know what else to do.

R: We need a girl’s night out!

Rylee private messaged me Monday morning at work via the messaging system that we probably weren’t supposed to be using for personal use. However this was an emergency.  

Me: I agree, when are you free?

R: How about next weekend?

Me: Perfect! Lock it in Eddie LOL.

Eddie was a game show host & that was the catch phase of the contestants, it was always something we said that made us laugh when we made plans. Since swearing off men with Savanah last Friday night when we a few cocktails, our usual Friday night ritual, this girls night out was just what I needed, dance all night to late 90’s pop music, drink my favourite drink ‘fire truck’ (vodka & raspberry) & not think about any men.

I planned to stay at Savannah’s house, that night, so we all meet there to catch a taxi together into the city, just like old times. As Rylee, Savannah & I get ready, we start drinking some wine. I really felt 20 again, getting ready with the girl friends before a big night out. The only difference tonight is that I’m 10 years older & I no longer care what I look like, I am not dressing in the hopes that some man will see me & fall head over heels for me. I realise now in my 30’s that life is not a romance movie, I can dream up as many scenarios as I want about men & still none nothing remotely close will happen & I’ll be disappointed again. I need to just enjoy being me again, the way I used too when I was in my 20’s.

It feels different to dress knowing there is no way anyone is going to see your underwear tonight, however to make myself feel good, I pull my favourite bra & lace g string out of my bag, putting them on I know this is not for a man, but I feel sexy anyway. I dress in a charcoal sequin skirt, it’s much shorter than I remember but it hugs my hips, covers my butt, enough that I can still bend over & I feel good in it. I wear a plain black singlet, with a long gold necklace with an owl that hangs almost down to my belly button, I pair it with gold hoops in my ears & very high black closed in toe shoes that I know will end up hurting my feet by the end of the night. I never wear a lot of makeup, tonight I have settled for the smoky eye look, which is always a bit hit & miss with me, but I feel like I have achieved what I wanted to.  Rylee looks up from her phone & whistles as I come out of the bedroom, I laugh at her, but inside I do feel pretty good.

As we walk in the bar, the cover band has only just started playing their set, they have been playing around the city for years and they are always good & play a variety of songs so it’s a good way to kick off the night, with a few drinks & some chatting. Savannah scans the place for a table, while Rylee & I head straight to the bar. We order wines for all three of us & we try to find Savannah who is sitting at a table with a blonde guy, he has his back to us & I can’t work out if she’s trying to sneakily kick someone off their table or if it is someone she knows, they are talking to each other & laughing so I figure it must be someone she knows, I can’t work out who it is from the back. Rylee is first to get back to the table with Savannah’s wine, I still haven’t gotten a look at who it is, the table is surrounded by people standing up listening to the band, I try to push past all the people & as I get through the last little group, I clumsily trip over my own feet, stumbling, smacking my hand free against the mystery man’s back, my chin practically hits his shoulder, I almost spill my wine on him as my other hand hits his chest with my wine glass. Fuck! His head turns, inches from my face, his green eyes pierce mine, my stomach flips, I feel like the music has stopped & there is no one in the room but us, then I realise who it is, double fuck! It’s Fleaz.

“Sorry, I… tripped…” I stutter as he still holds my stare, he spins on the stool to face me, helping me stand up straight. There are only three stools, he offers me his, I accept knowing that I may need my feet later for all the dancing, as I slid up onto the stool awkwardly, his hand rests on the small of my back to steady me. I blush like an idiot & he smiles but his hand doesn’t move when I am settled. The conversation carries on, I don’t really hear what anyone is talking about, I am pretending to listen to the band, at least that is where I am looking, but all I can think about is Fleaz & his hand on my lower back, what is he doing here? Did Savannah know he was coming? Why is his hand still on my back?

I hear Savannah say she’s going to the bar, Rylee jumps up quickly offering to help, asking if we want another. This is a set up! They did this on purpose. A blatant set up. I am going to kill Savannah. Fleaz pulls Savannah’s stool a little closer to me & sits on down, our knees are touching. 

“So are you having a good night?” I roll my eyes, what a line! I try to hide my boredom at such an inane question. He smirks at me, but doesn’t rephrase.

“Yeah it’s been fun so far, I love this song” I look around not sure what to say to him, but not wanting the conversation to stop “How’s your night?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.

“It just got better.” Gah! I blush & he smiles, those dimples! Picking up his beer, he takes a drink, never breaking eye contact with me, I pick up my wine looking away, trying not to think too much about his statement, you misread every situation Kristie Callan, Watch Out! I take a long over exaggerated sip & when I look back he is still staring at me.

“You’re so gorgeous when you’re nervous.” I almost spit my wine at him. I laugh out loud & shake my head looking at the stem of my glass. Me gorgeous?

“What makes you think I’m nervous?” I force myself to look at him & fail at proving that I am not.

“I can feel it” he winks. Fuck! I look back at the stem of my glass. I can’t keep looking at him. I blush, “Can you?” he asks leaning forward & I stop breathing. I cannot speak. “We would be good together Kristie.”

“What?” I blurt out, almost knocking over my wine in the process, lucky it’s almost empty. He looks around, as if he’s looking to see if anyone is listening.

“You’re beautiful & suffering from a drought, I hear, I’m not seeing anyone & could take care of the situation for you.” Savannah must’ve told her husband Cater.

“Take care of the situation?” I raise my eye brows, I wish I had more wine. Where are Savannah & Rylee?

“Yeah” he shrugs “It would be incredible” I laugh, gaining a little confidence.

“Because so many one night stands are” He smirks, I notice how white his teeth are, imagine them grazing my collar bone. Shit, where did that come from?

“Suppose it’s not a one night stand” Whatthefuck!

“I don’t date” I blurt out too quickly, he laughs & picks up his beer, but he doesn’t drink it.

“Neither do I Kristie” I make eye contact & brazenly ask

“So you want to be fuck buddies?” He shrugs again & downs the rest of his beer.

“If you want to put a label on it.  I like to think of it as two single people having incredible sex on a regular basis, without the hassle.” I scoff.

“Without the hassle”

“Yeah, why not?” I blush yet again. Where the hell are Savannah & Rylee?  Could I have some stringless fun with a guy I hardly know, when only a week ago I swore off men? Not to mention that this guy didn’t even talk to me at Savannah’s BBQ a few weeks ago. No, you can’t have stringless fun with him, you will get your heart involved & then we’ll all end up hurt.

It had only been three weeks since my last disaster & I am not sure I am ready to put myself out there again. Really though, what is the worst that’s going to happen? It’ll be another crap lay & I’ll feel shit about myself again. But this guy is beyond hot, he’s so out there with sexual promise, could he really be bad in bed? There is only one way to find out…

“What are you thinking?” his words startle me from my thoughts & I blush, his grin is from ear to ear, his green eyes sparkle in the dim light “You were thinking about how good it’ll be between us?” He winks again. Swoon! I nervously laugh.

“Do you have a contract drawn up for this sort of proposition?” he looks puzzled, I smile thinking about my favourite book Fifty Shades of Grey, oh how sexy if he went all Christian Grey on you! I don’t want to say no to him, I start to think that I might be able to do this if I just had some sort of a time frame, I think I would cope better, if we said a week, two weeks, just at least a date at which I know he will stop calling so I don’t end up sitting around, eating ice cream, wondering what happened & then I would finally pluck up the courage to ask him what happened, I would get the goodbye text: I’m so busy blah blah blah.

“Do you want a contract?” I shrug & I drink the drip of wine in my glass. I look around for Savannah & Rylee, they appear as if on cue. Fleaz just stares at me as they put drinks in front of us, I immediately pick mine up & take a gulp. He stands back up to give Savannah her stool, he moves even closer to me when he stands up. I don’t know if he is trying to touch me on purpose or if it’s accidental. I secretly hope that he’s doing it on purpose because the way it makes me feel with a simple graze of our arms is a small insight to what the sex might be like.

“What are you two talking about?” Rylee asks innocently, how can I tell her what we are talking about, I blush. Lucky Fleaz isn’t so obvious.

“We’re just talking about this band. They are pretty good huh?” I swig on my glass of wine again, take it easy Callan! Rylee starts talking animatedly about the band & other similar bands. I zone out, I love Rylee but right now, I am not listening to a word she says. I thinking about the fact that I am going to have to be drunk enough to tell Savannah that I want to go home with Fleaz & to actually go through with it but not so drunk that I pass out on him. It’s a delicate balance of the right amount of inebriation to be able to pull this off. Can I pull this off? Fleaz doesn’t take his eyes off me, I down my wine & pull a face at the dryness of the mouthful. I stand up abruptly & shout over the music

“I’m going to the bar.” I feel all their eyes on me as I scurry away. I push through the crowd & find an open spot at the bar next to two guys, I take a deep breath & fiddle with my purse to get out enough money for another wine. That’ll be fours wines, any more than that & the perfect balance may be ruined. I pull out $10 & stare at the wine list trying to gather my thoughts. It really dawns on me that I really want this to happen, I haven’t said yes to him but I know that I want to. I’ve had a few one night stands before that were meaningless, why would this be any different, just because it’s with the same guy on a regular basis – as he put it. Why does everything have to lead to a relationship, why can’t it be honest like this proposition where there is no grey area, will he call or not? This could be perfect for me.

I feel a hand on the small of my back, my pulse quickens, my breathing becomes short & rapid. Wow, his effect on me is instant! Fleaz leans his other elbow on the bar as the guy to my left gets his drink & walks away, Fleaz’s face is so close to mine but he doesn’t look at me, he’s trying to get the attention of the bar tender. He orders a beer & looks down to me raising his eyebrows for me to order my drink. His hand leaves the small of my back as he pulls out his wallet, I feel a pang of disappointment as his hand leaves my back but he quickly pays for the drinks before I can object, I lamely try to give him my $10 but he refuses. As he puts his wallet back in his pocket, he picks up his beer, offering it up for a cheers, we clink our glasses & puts his hand back on my lower back. Why does that one small gesture feel so authoritative & hot?  I can’t even turn to look at Savannah or Rylee, they would be ogling & I hate to think what they are saying.  I start drinking my wine & I see them out of the corner of my eye, get up & head to the dance floor, they start moving with such ease to the beat of the music, laughing & having fun. That was supposed to be you tonight! Instead I’m over here struggling to breathe in the presence of Fleaz.

Sometimes I wish I was Savannah, she met her husband, Carter, in high school & they married in their early 20’s. They adore each other & it makes me so jealous sometimes to see the love they have for one another & here I am a few years older than them still looking for Mr Right.

Rylee has been more like me, unlucky in love. She fell for a guy who slept with her & then told her they would never be a couple. When he had nowhere to live, she offered for him to move in with her, she probably thought they would be a couple in not time, but he was just stringing her along playing the role of her best friend. Finally she realised it wasn’t working & moved out, but of course he then realised what he was missing & started sleeping with her again. He constantly dangles the carrot but she can never catch it.  

“So what do you say?” Fleaz drags me out of my own thoughts. I look down at the wine list again, I have nothing else to focus on & I feel like a teenager for blushing. “I have to go to the bathroom.” Like a coward, I down the rest of my wine & push through the crowd towards the safety & privacy of the bathroom stall.

If you like and want more, like & comment on here or Facebook

#IBD4U

Motocross #27

But wait there’s more! Yes what the fuck… I don’t get embarrassed easily, I obviously can talk about all aspects of my life, basically with anyone who will listen. I’m an over sharer, I’m an over thinker. But this story is a little embarrassing! There is something about this guy though, for me, he is a mystery & I think he’s probably the only guy I’ve never worked out. He seemed genuinely interested in me the first time, genuinely wanted to see me – even if it was just to hang out. So he must’ve liked me even as a friend, even if he didn’t want anything romantic. He’s not deleted me from snapchat after almost 2 years, looking at every single snapchat – so that either means he wants to see what I’m up too, or is just too lazy to delete me?

I am going though a tough time, I have been fighting a legal case which I settle out of court which pisses me off, my dad has had a heart attack but thankfully it wasn’t too bad & he had a couple of stents put in & was home after a few days. A family drama has also ensued, an uncle got very sick & my dad didn’t want to see him at the hospital, I didn’t want to see my uncle dying either but then when his wife denies my dad & my immediate family attending the funeral, I am devastated. This uncle taught me to drive, taught me the value of money, he was very influential in my life, probably the most influential uncle has died & I am not allowed to go say goodbye because apparently my aunty would make a scene. If I had my time over, I would have just gone to the funeral & let her make a scene! Anyway… it’s a shit time for my family & I struggle to not want to talk to Marvel about it… I don’t of course, I end up talking to Motocross about it.

Covid-19 is also rampant in other states so there is always a change it’ll get bad in SA. I wonder what it is about this guy, he’s so hard to flirt with, he’s awkward in person & doesn’t seem affectionate but yet he comes around & seems interested, asks questions about this he remembers – more than most other guys I’ve dated casually. But yet he isn’t interested. He’s not dangling the carrot because we don’t really have sex, I don’t have feelings for him but it’s almost like he is waiting for something better. Which yeah I don’t doubt that men have done that to me but if you weren’t that keen on someone, wouldn’t it be more about sex?! I don’t know maybe he just wanted a friend or something… Maybe he doesn’t like sex with me? I am fatter than what I think this guy would be with, he seems like he should like grid girls, not someone with a curvy stomach & thighs…

Because of everything shit going on, not seeing Marvel as often as I would like, I subtly say something about him coming over but he daces arounf the subject when I snap & say that I’ve never had to put so much effort into fuck a guy he’s already fucked me in the past, who’s also rocked up at my house randomly, he doesn’t reply but I am in a cheeky mood so I sent a cheeky lingerie pic of something new I have bought & I put my phone down to sleep. I get nothing from him – well fuck you Motocross!

The next day I can see that he’s looked at the snapchat & not replied. Well that’s it then, who cares – this guy was a basket case anyway. I get a snapchat from someone else then I see that Motocross has deleted me! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

I wish I could end the story there to be perfectly honest. But as I am a bit tipsy message a few times on snapchat & on whatsapp, but not reply on either. Ah well, whatever.

A month or so later, I notification “Motocross has added you as a friend, add him back” WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON! I wish I was the type to say my life was sorted out & I didn’t want content for the blog or that I think this guy has something I need to find out, but I don’t, so I fucking add him & he says that he didn’t delete me but apparently I am hard to find. Hard to find?! Is he joking, my fucking user name is my first & last name. I hate that it is so I never give out my snapchat account to random boys. Also my nickname is my nickname, so he’s a fucking idiot unless he doesn’t know my last name, which he does…

This is just fucking bullshit, I mean anyone who gets a new phone just logs into the app & there are all your contacts! Viola. No need to find people again, he’s a dipstick! Does he think I am so blonde that I am that dumb?! I am pretty smart when it comes to technology, I mean I can’t hack facebook like some people we know (hahaha) but I know a thing or two about technology. Correct me if I am wrong!?

So all of this happened in a week… Him coming over, seeing my bra pic & deleting me, but it’s been a month since he deleted me. He says that he’s been mega busy when I say he knows where I live, if he was trying hard to find me, he would have just come over right?! This is just epically fucking dumb. He says that he did reply to the picture of my bra saying that it was sexy or something, but I don’t believe him.

What fucks me off is that today was a great day, I had finally settled everything with my previous work & after being employed for almost an entire year, I was offered a job today. I had applied for 2 & got one. I was fucking lucky & spoiler alert, 6 months later, I am loving the new job! I have a fancy new job title, I have a work car, phone & laptop again, it’s a 4 minute drive from home so no commute into the city & it’s the pay I wanted – which is a bit less than what I was getting but I figure I am changing careers so I am pretty fucking happy for someone with no experience but many transferable skills from my previous job.

We start talking about hooking up again, he’s so difficult but says he’s in Adelaide this week, not travelling. He even talks about morning sex & sleeping over for that he can have sex with me “unwrapped” who even says unwrapped… He does this thing where he doesn’t open my last snapchat, so I just leave it again. He doesn’t even look at my stories either, whatever dude. A few weeks go by, even though I’ve thought about this guy, I also haven’t bothered about it… What can I do really?!

I get a message a week or so later “Hey you free tomorrow night. I gotta talk to you?” OH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Seriously, what could he even want to talk about. I even question if he has the right person, he takes ages to reply. “Yeah I’ve got the right person. I wanted to apologise actually on why I didn’t respond straight away. I honestly feel like a complete cunt if you wanna know I’ve literally been flat out with racing and I had to get my head in the game and not be distracted plus I felt I dunno but I don’t wanna cut the other guys lunch I guess. I only got back from Canberra disarvo. And I’ve got tailem bend on Friday over the weekend for Supercars. I seriously hate that I’ve messed you around honestly never meant to just I’ve got poor timing. I hope youre enjoying your new job. I do wanna soon make some time and catchup tho. Hope your dogs have been good” Um, yeah right… What the actual fuck do I say to that?! What the fuck…

#IBD4U

Marvel #9

I think a few of your comments have summed up this story. It’s boring! It’s the same old same old story. As much as I know that I shouldn’t be involved in this, I have to see it though. I have to see what happens. I cannot pull myself out of it. I want too. But fuck the sex is so good & as you’ve read, there has never been anyone else I’ve ever felt like this with. Not though lack of trying, I am now dating the same fucking men I’ve dated before in the hopes that they will be something more than what they were the first time.

I am so embarrassed that I have gone back to Motocross again, I am embarrassed at the calibre of men that I seem to be meeting, that I seem to date that never want to have a second date with me… I spent the last few years writing about my love life, making a joke of it, making fun of how ridiculous it is… How can this stuff keep happening over & over again to the same person? This isn’t funny anymore. I have stopped finding ways to make a joke of it – this is one of the reasons I am ending this blog, it’s just not funny anymore…

Sorry to put a dampener on my blog, I know I am usually upbeat about the stories, but it’s hard to be upbeat about this one – Marvel spends less & less time online, which I have come to terms with. I figure that I know what I am getting with him & if I am ok with that, then I have to accept this or move on.

I have a fair few notches on my bedpost, I don’t want to keep adding to that & so if I want to have sex, good sex, mind blowing sex then Marvel is my access to off the charts sex. I know what I am getting with him. He is not committed to me, he probably lies to me this time around, but it is what it is…

His first wedding anniversary is coming up, I assume I won’t hear from him or see him for the rest of this month but to my surprise he invites me over less than a week before & luckily being still unemployed, I am running my little hobby business but I don’t do much besides trying to train two puppies, with a friend & her baby living with me, while also fighting a legal case but besides all that, I am free whenever he asks basically. Hahaha!

We have sex on his couch, it’s always amazing – I honestly have no new ways to describe the sex with Marvel & the word amazing doesn’t seem to do it justice. Every time we touch there is electricity that never dulls, every time we kiss I can’t imagine myself kissing anyone else – even when I do, I usually think of Marvel. Every time we collide it’s like no one else in the word has ever had sex this way before…

A sporadic catch up a few weeks later, he’s made a little bed up on the floor again with his sons mattress covered in towels but I walk in the door & he pushes me against the wall – I love when he does this, making me saturated as he dominates me with a simple push aganist the wall with passion… We all 69 for the first time in a long time & I realise how much I love his cock in my mouth while he is sucking on my clit… I can barely control my moans, he always says though that he loves when I moan on his cock, something about the vibrations…

I really am not doing very well at describing our sex or our time together, like I used too… It’s so hard because as much as I am in love with him & I can see the love I his eyes, we don’t express it… Ever. I think that hurts me more than I ever let on. I always say that it is what it is & it is, but I still want this man.

When I talk to a friend of his from the chat app, that I become friends with after I have a little melt down thinking she is fucking Mavel but I find out that she isn’t & she’s married but seeing a single guy also but she won’t leave her husband because she’s scared he will kill her & the kids – what a shitty situation. I can see why her & Marvel have become friends. But when she asks me what I want from Marvel, I am honest. I know I want Marvel – I want him in my life. He isn’t ready for me. He may never be ready for me. But at this point in my life I am not willing to give him up. I have made the difficult decision to live like this. I choose this life. I choose to be the mistress rather than walk away.

Something will change one day, I’m sure of it. If that be him leaving his wife or me walking away again, something will change, but for now as I explained to our now mutu friend when I ask her, would you rather have them in your life or not at all? If this is the only way I can have him in my life for now, then I am willing to deal with that.

I may have put this song on the blog before so apologies if I have already talked about this, but almost a year into the third affair, I still make the decisions to stay where I am, to stay involved with this man. This song I send to her & I listened to on repeat after I found it, the lyrics… The fucking lyrics! Every time I try to get my shit together I just can’t walk away. I’ve tired… So until I can stop being so weak, this is what I settle for. I won’t stop looking for something real, something other than Marvel, but for now if this is the way I can keep him in my life, I am willing to be this pathetic woman letting a man walk all over her.

#IBD4U

Motocross #26

Who knew this guy would come back? Over the course of about the last 2 years, Motocross has looked at every snapchat story I post & it’s like he has a notification that I have posted one because he generally is the first one to look at the story. Every. Single. Time! Now I don’t post much exciting stuff, since getting dogs, most posts are about my dogs (Yes I got puppies!) Hahaha but I mainly post to see who’s stalking me still, which Foodland is too! Hahaha… Weirdos.

After I have a friend live with me for 3 months at the end of 2020 & it ends disastrously, by her moving out like I had been the partner that abused her, I post a snapchat of the room back to how it was before her & her daughter moved in. Motocross replies to this snapchat – which he doesn’t normally do, so I am intrigued. He asks if I’m living alone or something similar. It’s odd because we haven’t spoken in years but this simple question leads to us having a week or two long conversation & him trying to be cheeky but failing, him insinuating that he wants to come over etc. But when I say “Aren’t you a little far away to come over?” because remember he’s from California & he says that he’s been back for 3 weeks but he’s in Melbourne this weekend. Of course he is! This is the weekend I go away for much needed rest to visit a friend with the dogs in country Victoria so I am not available anyway & I wish he was available just
so that I could say no.

Another week of chatter goes by, including a little awkward cheeky talk – talking about sex in his car or sucking his dick, but it’s hard to be cheeky with him for some reason, like he doesn’t give it back or seem interested when you do talk cheeky, maybe he’s embarrassed or something but I don’t know. But he always insinuates that he’s talking about sex, until I’m direct about it then he acts coy.

So when asks me if he can ask me a personal question, I’m intrigued about what he could possibly ask, but it’s just the standard question if I am on the pill that he’s asked me before, so instead of going into all the detail of my tubes being tied etc, I just say I’m not on the pill but I have contraception covered. I reckon this may have been a question the first time around too, almost the exact same way. He talks about the fact that he’s had sex since me (not sure why he needed to tell me that) but he hasn’t has sex without a condom since me… I’m not sure I believe a word that comes out his mouth to be honest but I have no reason not to believe him & I think that if this time if I do end up seeing him, I just won’t get as caught up in it all, like I did last time. I did really like him, I lusted after him but then Silverlining happened & I was pulled back to the harsh reality of the hilariousness that is my life!

On a Thursday after we’d been chatting daily for weeks, he says to me that he’s made a decision (as he struggles with decisions) & says Friday. I just say it’s Thursday dude & he says that he’s decided that he’s going to see me Friday. So of course me being me, thinks about what I will wear, what I will do, I shave & wash my hair, clean my house, make sure the house doesn’t smell like dogs but he starts acting a bit weird. So we’ve been chatting constantly, he’s also been saving the chat. On snapchat you have to click on the chat to save it, I have it saved for 24 hours but he’s been saving each block of conversation. However, he stops doing that & it all deletes… I don’t even know how this happens but only my side of the conversation is left behind & I can’t unsave it… He stops writing messages that I can reply too, his messages are short & sharp, no reply necessary but I try to keep the conversation going thinking he’s either going to bail on tonight or he’ll say I didn’t invite him over. Whatever I can’t even be bothered worrying. He’s got a screw loose!

As you all know I have a small hobby beauty business & it’s Friday night I have a friend/client in the beauty room to do her lashes & as we’re finishing up about 7:00 pm, I hear my phone vibrate with the tell tale sign of my motion detector camera at my house (which I put up after the T**y debacle & probably should’ve had for a long time with Noodle/Silverlining drama too) & I say to my friend, surely he’s not just rocked up at my house?! I look at the camera & see a white car on the road, I can only see the tip of it. He hasn’t even looked at my last message, surely he’s not just rocked up without a word?! It’s been almost 2 years since we last saw each other & he’s just rocked up at my house… WTF.

He messages me on snapchat… I click to his message on snapchat & miss him walking off in the camera but I get a notification that someone is at my front door, he says “so I guess you’re not home then.” I explain that I am at the gym & will be home soon that he should come back or to just wait there (not knowing that he’s actually already left).

However as I’m driving home realising I have no make up on, the dogs need feeding & will be nuts when I get home, when I see his car at the lights opposite me, I am going to have to drive right past him. FUCK… At least I know where he is & I will have some time to get some make up on & the dogs settled before he comes back, if he comes back!?

I race around, I put on a little make up as while I was away this weekend I got mozzie bites on my face, I cover them up & race to feed the dogs & settle them down, when I hear him pull up & I am shaking, things have always been awkward with this guy but I did really like him. At a time in my life when I thought I couldn’t like another guy ever, I actually liked him. This time I am going to keep my emotions to myself, I am not getting attached.

Besides he’s already told me in his message tonight, even though he’s coming back that he can’t stay long – not this old chestnut! Doesn’t matter, I don’t want him to stay long, to be honest I am not even sure what I am doing. Do I even want to do this? This guy was a compulsive liar… One that I couldn’t even figure out. Maybe that’s the intrigue there, I figure out most men, I mean I figured out T**y within a few chats but this guy, I can’t work out what his deal is… I want to know if his story is true & I wonder if we chat if I can catch him out.

He looks exactly the same, only now he’s 35. He is wearing baggyish cream shorts, socks pulled up with slide shoe things, he’s got his usual racing style jacket & a hat on – he looks like he’s trying to dress like he’s 25. He looks identical to how he was & I wonder if he thinks the same about me being that I am the smallest I’ve ever been & I honestly think this is the best I have ever looked including my face & body.

He walks in & doesn’t hug or kiss me or really show any signs that he’s interested in me or happy to be here – his usual entrance. My dogs are excited to see him & he doesn’t pat them, he keeps his hands in his pockets & tells them to get down. He tells me later that he hasn’t patted a dog since his dog died on his birthday – which is something he told me almost 18 months ago so at least something is true to him.

Although this is weird to me because I had joked about the fact he used to fall asleep on my couch & that he wouldn’t be able to sleep himself because the dogs would want to cuddle him & he seemed ok with that. But now seeing him with the dogs, the way people are with animals tells you something about a person. Even when one of the puppies (remember at this time they are only 5 months old) one of them has been outside in the dirt & comes running in & jumps on the couch, he jumps up saying “mud” or something & I’m like calm down it’s just mud, but the way he reacted was like she had shit on her paws or something… He stands up with his hands in his pockets & acts like a fucking animal hater, not someone who adored their dog.

He keeps saying that he won’t pat them because of his dog…I don’t really understand how you can be in the presence of a puppy & not want to pat it, if you’re a dog lover… No matter what happened with your dog or what, all the dogs want is to be patted then they settle. Remembering that I had just walked in the door so they are nuts for a bit until then get their pats with dinner & then they settle… This is weird to me. They say never trust someone that your pets don’t like, however my dogs love everyone, they’re puppies but I wonder if the saying is the same in reverse, never trust someone who isn’t kind to animals? I mean it’s not that he’s not kind, but he’s just weird around them… I ask J-Lo about it later which he doesn’t think it’s weird, saying that people react to their dog dying in different ways…

Motocross leaves after an hour of being awkward, just sitting on the couch, talking easily with me about life, my job how I was fired, what I’m doing now, what he’s been up too – there are no holes in his story from what he said to me 2 years ago, to now… As he leaves he says he’ll message, which he doesn’t – of course…

I message a few days later mainly because I am so intrigued by this guy & he says that someone from the race this weekend is in a coma so he’s been at the hospital for days… I don’t know what it is about him, but it’s weird that he’s come over & now not talking to me again….

#IBD4U

Marvel #8

So as you know if you read all the blogs not just the ones in this series, you’ll know that it’s April in the Marvel story time but I told you in Tom Cruise #2 that I am still seeing Marvel in October… So I will go through some key points but like I said the story this time is boring… Well it’s not boring, it’s still the most exciting sex & best sex I’ve ever had, but the crap between sexcapades is a bit of a bore.

Marvel does tell me one day when I am at his house that his wife has unblocked me on Facebook, so I immediately look & block her, while he watches me do it… I also block him – as much as that upsets me to do, I think she might use his account to look me up. I mean I’m sure she’s got other people looking me up – but at least to her & him, I am safe. She can’t do the “special trick” she does to look at all my pictures.

Which by the way, I don’t believe that she has looked at all my pictures but oddly she’s been painting the doors & frames in their house & has painted them the same colour scheme as my house… Coincidence? If she hadn’t of left that note in my letter box & he hadn’t of written that note on my fridge, I would have bet money she came inside that day he brought her to my house, but I’m certain she didn’t…

So perhaps mrs-technologically-retarded (In Marvel’s opinion) has hacked Mark Zuckerburg & able to see all my private pictures & is now copying me because she knows that’s what he wants… Her hair at tbeir wedding was almost white blonde, blonder than me but considering every picture I’d ever seen of her she was brunette, also single white femaling me here?!

Another time I am there he tells me that I would be murdered if she comes home o find me there… Oh good… Here I am vulnerable & naked & he’s telling me she’d murder me if she comes home?! I work out the settings for my watch to send my location to my sister if I send an SOS… I have to of course explain this to her why I am doing this & finally someone knows I’m seeing Marvel again.

He starts doing this thing where he stops coming back online, sometimes for days, sometimes for almost a week. It bothers me at first but he’s been very clear every time I’ve seen him that we can’t get close again. My walls are back up – I trust this man so much – like 1000%, to do anything to my body he wants to never go to far with my sexually, but I will not trust him with my heart again. I don’t even trust him to defend me if his wife came in & did have a weapon.

During this time I also get fired from my job for having my hobby business – yes the job I once loved, I get fired from. Well at least this gives me more free time to be available when Marvel is free. I guess there’s a silverlining for everything! (Hahaha, get it?!) I am unemployed for about a year, with him working part time, it makes it easier to meet with him… We make time generally once a month but sometimes twice a month. There is always multiple orgasms for me, so I don’t even bother looking for other sex, but I will let you know what else happens in my life in this time, we’ll get there before the end of #IBD4U, I promise!

When my birthday (39th) comes around, I make him say happy birthday to me online before the day & in person when I’m sitting on his couch. However on the day when I know she’s at work he doesn’t come online to even talk to me – he doesn’t come online for almost a week after my birthday. This hurts me, but to be perfectly honest, I need to not let the hurt consume me this time. I can’t say I don’t care because I do, I fucking hate that he doesn’t want to get close again, that we have both destroyed any shred of friendship we could have had that now all we talk about is sex. Like real fuck buddies I guess, again that hurts when I allow myself to think about it, but that isn’t often… I pull myself back to reality.

There are some times that are sweet with him though, when he hurts his back during sex & I massage it for ages. I think he likes just being tenderly touched, I doubt once you’ve been in a relationship forever that you touch each other like I am doing to him now… Or when he holds my hand without realising or touches me tenderly, usually it’s rough hot sex but sometikes he let’s his guard down & I feel his love for me… I of course can see it in his eyes but I feel it too. It makes me worker if he can feel it from me too, because I think I am doing so well to be a stone.

There are times I remind him to message me first, to make an effort with me that I might go crazy & when he asks what I’d do, I just say that I’d shop in the store his wife works at with a cheeky laugh. He asks me if I am threatening him, but I’m not – it’s just a friendly reminder that if he is going to keep fucking me, he better treat me with a little respect sometimes. I have done everything he has ever asked me to do – all I asked of him was for him to protect my identity which he failed miserably in some many ways… I am not going to ruin his life for him, he’s doing a bang up job if that himself!

Weirdly one day we talk a lot about T**y & what a liar he was & I go into a lot of details. But as a hilarious twist of fate in my story, Marvel happens to meet T**y’s partner on a chat site (assuming the anonymous app – but he won’t admit that to me) a few months later & she tells him about me, well the little that she knows. This actually makes Marvel come back online a lot & even late at night, he’s such a gossip that he copies & pastes things she says to him & sends to me… I actually like the conversation I’m not having with Marvel because it’s not just about sex. However it is about some fuckwit I dated & fuck me she sends Marvel a picture of them both so then Marvel acts like a weirdo about how fat he is & how buff T**y is, that I should be with someone like T**y. Well maybe I should be with someone like that looks like that, but I am not & nor do I want to be with someone who looks like that.

When Marvel asks me over to his house on a Sunday morning, I am intrigued. I don’t think about it, I just say yes but I do ask where the kids are, he says they’ve had a sleepover & she’s at work. Seems weird to me that they have a sleepover only a few weeks before their first wedding anniversary but I don’t think much of it. When I get there Marvel has made a little bed in the lounge room with his sons mattress… FUCK!

We’ve only been having sex on his games area couch & it’s been good but fuck I am so excited to fuck him lying down. The thing that fucks me off – not in a good way is that he’s gone to this trouble of getting a bed, putting towels on it for me to squirt & had been talking about fucking me multiple times, hard… But of course, my period comes & he gets blood on his cock & he won’t touch me again… This is when I discover the sponge! Next time I have sex with him & my period is due, I pop in the sponge & it works amazingly! However this time, Marvel won’t touch me again & I am super horny, he’s seeing me at 9:30 am when we usually catch up around lunch, mornings are my favourite time for sex… Hmmmm Morning sex! Hahaha… Fuck I love morning sex!!

Are you happy with this style of update with Marvel, or do you want me to go into more details in the next one?!

#IBD4U

Tom Cruise #2

So I’m going to jump ahead a bit & I’ll mix up my timeline moving forward because let’s face it, the Marvel story is boring & predictable… Chat for days, tease each other till he asks when I’m free, then have hot sex – the hottest sex anyone has ever had then chat about it for days until we fuck again… So this is around spring 2020, I’m still in this cycle with Marvel (spoiler alert!) & for some reason – since it’s gone so well in the past (Hahaha) – I decide to give online dating a go again…

I see Tom Cruise pop up & we match, I only swiped to see if he’d swiped & he had, so we matched… We chatted & we decide to meet… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I am now dating the same men again years later – 2020 really is fucked!… I have dated everyone in Adelaide that I am now going through them again!? OH MY FUCKING GOD! Hahaha…

Do you remember this freaking character? Well if you don’t I suggest you go back & read Tom Cruise, then you have every right to scream at me “What the fuck are you doing #IBD4U?” before you read this! I do also talk about Tom Cruise in the podcast I am on – have a listen.

So I mean my life choices aren’t great, lets be honest. Don’t think for a second that I think I am completely sane, I know I must be some sort of crazy to be going back here again… But I am stupidly involved with my married ex-boyfriend who I still have feelings for but refuse to admit that to him & no one knows I am seeing him again so what else do you do? You find a weirdo that you match with – that you’ve disastrously dated before & you date them again! Life choices are not my strong suit, apparently!

Again this dude, who looks exactly the same as he did, who seems to be either pretending to not know me or has genuinely forgotten me. I can’t decide which is worse… I never say anything about having dated him before, waiting for him to say something but he never does.

He is hard to pin down for a date again, not this old chestnut – he always wants to meet a a pub near his house. Since I last saw him he’s had a kid who is about two years old – that he barely talks about, he’s living with his brother which seems like an odd story & he’s so blaze, about it plus his job seems a bit weird too – nothing adds up, yet I still make the choice to meet him. But this time as I am not really fussed about meeting any guys for anything, especially a drunken night of sex – I have Marvel for that. I can actually date & make a man wait. I’ve been told I should have sex with a man for 3 months. I thought 3 dates was a bit extreme but 3 fucking months?! No way… But this time I refuse to be the needy stupid bitch who rushes down to his local pub while he gets to walk there!

He does offer for me to spend the night at his house, he’ll sleep with his brother apparently, or his brother isn’t there – I forget but it was but it was supposed to be an innocent invite & I could have his room. I tell him I have to be up early as friends are coming over to help me paint my house before my new carpets are installed the following week & he says that it’s ok, he has to be up at 4:00am! Oh good, what an awesome sleepover – having to leave at 4am like a booty call or hooker. NO THANKS.

We take a while to make the time to meet, it’s not easy when I’m a stubborn fuck & he’s a weirdo. Finally he agrees to meet me at a pub closer to me. It’s during a Covid-19 bullshit time (around the time that Adelaide’s 6 day lockdown was only 3 days in the end) where you have to sit & drink, the pub is packed & so we have to sit in a doorway/hallway on a stack of chairs away from everything & the atmosphere of the place.

Despite my previous experience with his dude, I actually enjoy talking to him face to face, he’s different & while he makes it awkward a few times by telling me I’m difficult or something like that, but it’s more banter than him being a complete ass. The most awkward part is that we are basically sitting in a fucking hall way. He drinks 3 beers pretty quickly & I am reminded that I think this guy has a drinking problem. When he says that he needs to go fairly early in the evening, while we’re having what I think is a good time, I think he’s obviously not had a good time.

He’d been going out for cigarettes, not having to go far being we were in a door vestibule of the hotel & he always returned quickly, engaging in the conversation & apologising for his filthy habit… Something he didn’t apologise for on the first date. I mean I am about 15kgs lighter, I do dress differently, I am very different to when I met him the first time. I look the best I have ever looked, I feel the best I have ever looked – despite some personal issues (mainly work related) which I’ll tell you all about soon. Maybe I was part of the problem last time? Well of course I was, I mean I was seeing Noodle & trying to not fall in love with him but this guy is also different to the first time I met him. He seems to have more feeling – perhaps having a daughter changed the way he dates too?

When we leave, he walks me to my car, having a cigarette on the way, we stand outside by my car, I see clearly for the first time that night, that he’s really cute, quite tall & as he leans in to kiss me, properly kiss me, I find myself kissing him back… It’s the first man to kiss me besides Marvel in a really long time…. I’d like to say that it felt good but he tastes like cigarettes – as a non smoker myself, it’s foul & makes me pull away. We go our separate ways but I am surprised to find a text & texts all evening from him – but it begs the question ‘why did he have to rush off?’ Well my theory because his messages get more garbled, I know he’s home drinking. I felt like this dude had a drinking problem when I dated him last time. I see nothing has changed.

We try to catch up again but yet again he wants me to come to him at his local pub which I refuse so he tells me I am being difficult but I am not trying to play a game, I am just not that interested in watching someone get smashed while I have to drive home. We never end up catching up again. A few weeks later he messages me randomly asking me if we’re ok, it makes me laugh, so I say that we’re not ok as it’s our 2 month anniversary & he forgot. We laugh & message a few more times but to put you all out of your misery – Tom Cruise, is not my ever after… If I get an ever after!

But between now & the end of I’ve Been Dating For You (which is happening!), I never hear from Tom Cruise again, nor do I try to reach out. This is why I am so entwined with Marvel & refuse to give him up – it’s easy, not fake, he’s not committed to me so if he’s lying to me it doesn’t really matter, there are no games. It is what it is. Nothing should be that hard to try to meet up with someone, imagine trying to have a actual relationship with Tom Cruise? As much as I enjoyed the date we had, there are too many red flags & while I usually just see them as obstacles that I just put to the side, this time I see them for what they are. WOW, see how much I’ve grown! Hahaha… Maybe it is possible for me to have a successful relationship that I deserve after all?!

#IBD4U

Marvel #7

I know what you’re thinking, I know what I am thinking, this rabbit hole isn’t a good idea to explore but as I fall so easily down it again I can’t catch myself. He can’t catch himself either… There is a force that pulls us together. I don’t know how this is going to end, but it honestly can’t end well!

We talk the rest of the day after we first collide again, about using a condom, I shouldn’t be fucking him without one & he says that as much as he doesn’t want to use them (of course) because he say he knows how good I feel without them but he’ll respect me & my wishes on that subject. Which I know he would if I asked him too or if I put one on for him, he’d still fuck me with it.l & love it. He’d also joked before we caught up again that there would be no kissing & so I suggested no eye contact. Lets get some limits out in the open. Good idea! Unfortunately we failed on both parts, I’m not going to lie, fuck it was so good to kiss him again. It was even good to have that eye contact with him too, during sex, afterwards it was harder as I didn’t want to see the love in his eyes…

The spell with him is broken, later in the day when my boss rings me to tell me off about work I’d been doing this morning. I tell Marvel about it, of all the things to be told off for today about working from home, I was actually told off about doing work… I mean, I fucked my married ex boyfriend on my lunch break, cracked a wine at 4:30 & I somehow get told off for actually doing work. Marvel doesn’t get it & neither do I. Before Marvel came back on the scene, I have been a target at work & it’s killing me. I love my job, I do it well, when I’m allowed to do it. As you all know I am a childless, partnerless women with a lot of time, hence the small hobby business – which was closed down temporarily due to covid in 2020, to occupy my time so now I don’t even have that. My career is everything so it’s hitting me hard. It makes me thankful that I have Marvel back in my life, even if he isn’t going to support me like he used to do.

There is a lot of conversation but it’s mainly us talking about fucking next time… Yes… Fucking next time… OMG, will there be a next time? Have I have enough? Can I walk away now, having one last hit? I want there to be a next time so badly… I want him more than I want anything in the world… I love that feeling, the look on his face, the sounds that he makes, the way he touches me – like he’s never felt or seen anything as sexy as me in front of him before.

He backing away again & his replies are a lot of “No comment” “Stop making me want to fuck you” “Shhh You” “Grrrr” & “OMG #IBD4U” his catch phrases that start to piss me off… At this point I don’t know why but I am working so hard to keep the conversation going with him… He could disappear at any time… I don’t know if he would say goodbye this time if she found out or if he decided to stop seeing me again…

When I find out my dad is in emergency with kidney stones, I message Marvel – why is he the first person I message? He’s not online till the next morning & just says that he hopes my dad is ok, I realise that we don’t have that type of relationship now & we probably won’t again in this instance, so I change the subject, showing him a picture of a vibe inside me. Stress does weird things to me, makes me horny & lose weight… I need to keep the distance from him, as much as I want to talk to him about my dad being in hospital & as much as I talk to others on the chat app about it & not mean anything, but it means something when I confide in Marvel – he’s my best friend, my lover.

There are some times that we do talk to each other like real people though, he tells me he’s been delivering catalogues while he was off work & trying to find a job. I talk about how stressful working from home is, the goal posts change so often that I can’t keep up with the directions I am given…

It’s also around this time that I apologise to Marvel for being nuts last year & ending it the way I did, after another year of therapy I realise that work is my issue, not Marvel. He says a usual Marvel type reply like “eh” & I know because he keeps talking & engaging in this conversation that he is thankful that I apologised to him. I know how his mind works, he’ll never sincerely apologise to me for how he’s treated me, he’s either genuinely doesn’t see it or he’s so self-involved all he does is protect himself & thinks he’s in the right so I know I will never get the same back, however I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t try to make amends for what she’s done wrong.

He’s started his new job too at another retail chain, part time, I fall in love with him a little bit more when he talks about his family life & getting to spend more time with his kids & working less, also now having less of a commute to the store. I know one of the main reasons he chose to stay was because of the kids, so it’s heartening to hear that he’s actually spending the time with the kids & doing things he likes. He’s not online as much as he used to be, that’s for sure & he goes offline without saying goodbye a lot earlier in the day than when I know she’s not home but the kids would be.

However it isn’t long before he is asking me back over to his place, he has a late shift, starting at 1:00pm. I take an early lunch & head over to his house. It’s been just over 2 weeks since I saw him last. I am wearing gym gear, one of his favourite looks on me. He hasn’t seen my new smaller frame in gym gear. It always surprises me that I would spend ages planning an outfit, getting my hair perfect & doing make up only to find out that he likes me best when I am in my tight gym gear?!

I am shaking as I walk into his house, scared of everything that could happen while I am here, nervous to see him again, scared of what he or I might say, but knowing that I am in for multiple orgasms. He says as I walk into his house “Couldn’t keep away huh” & we kiss, hands everywhere, the passion undeniable. Sweetie was the only one who ever saw us together who said she could feel it radiating off us. It’s still there, as strong as ever. His hands feeling every inch of my ass & I know he likes what he feels when he tells me how good I look.

He leans me back & I am being gently taken to the floor, to his carpet, where we do a 69 with him on top. I am begging him to fuck me, so he takes me over to his couch we have epic sex as always & I am sort of glad again that I am the one that gets to get up, getting dressed & go home – walking away from him this time. As I leave though he reminds me not to get too close to him. I tell him not to worry about that, as I kiss him goodbye & walk away…

While I leave, walking up his driveway doing the walk of shame in the middle of the day, so many things run through my mind, but when thoughts of who will message first or will he ever tell me he loves me again, I push those thoughts aside & remind myself that I won’t get close to him again. I am a heart OS stone again. I want it more than anything, but I am going to keep my distance – just like he tells me too…

#IBD4U

Marvel #6

So who hates me for leaving it a week to find out if I go inside his house or not?

It’s an odd feeling being here, his house looks exactly the same but oddly different. I sit in the car, having moved it twice, parking a little down the road – I have a different work car so no one would know what I drive around here anymore. I swore to myself I would never be here again. Yet here I am, heart pounding. Legs shaking. Getting more & more turned on.

Let me ask you this, have you ever had a piece of cake in front of you, or chips or chocolate, whatever your vice is & you’re holding it in your hand, knowing you shouldn’t eat it, knowing you will feel crappy for having that second piece of cake but also knowing how good it tastes. So regardless of all the reasons you shouldn’t eat it, you find your hand is moving mindlessly to your mouth to take a bite of that second slice…

Well, this is how I feel right now as I take a step after step down his driveway, my shoes crunching aganist the rocky driveway, my heart pounding, feeling myself getting more & more turned on as I walk up the step to his front door, which is covered in painting tape that looks like its been there a while & the painting is done to an amateur level…

I knock & it’s not long before he answers the door… His face is fatter, his body is fatter, he’s wearing daggy clothes but I notice his wedding ring straight away, it’s shiny & gold, not exactly what I would expect him to wear… His house is the same, not a tidy house as you know but a lived in house. There is always a clothes rack in the front door way, that hasn’t moved since I was here last – 6 months ago & it’s always covered in clean clothes. I can’t help but notice her clothes on it. I’ve never really seen her in person or photos but her clothing style tells me a lot… You can tell she’s a mum that goes for comfort. Her shoes around the house depict the same thing too, she’s a comfort girl. I get it she’s working full time while her new husband works part time, I’m sure there are still the other household duties she takes care of to but I remember he was the one who cooked & cleaned the most, from what he told me. I don’t know what reality is but she was always asleep so I can only take what he’s told me at face value.

He says as I walk in the door something about not being able to keep away, we’re kissing before I answer & while there is nothing that feels right about being here, this feeling, his hands on me, kissing him is right, it fits. The passion I have for this man is ridiculous… While I can tell he loves me from the look on his face, he won’t say it. I know this. I definitely won’t say it but I feel it… It’s not as strong as it once was, we’ve both hurt each other, perhaps even beyond repair at this point, but the passion & desire for each other has not diminished in any way! We kiss with passion, stripping each other in seconds, I push him on to the couch in his little gaming area that he takes me too, I show him my sexy white lingerie set that I am wearing & I see the look, the look that is like a drug to me, his eyes pop out of his head, he grabs my waist – something I know he loves about my body, how small my waist it & he likes to feel it…

Then the other drug, the sound we both make as he enters me, a little moan from me & a manly sound from him in unison, How can this feel so good… Why has no one else ever felt like this inside me before, why has no one else ever made me feel this way? I know for men & me too with some men, sex can just be sex no connection – but there is feeling here, we connect & the intimacy, while it’s not there verbally, this is about as intimate as you can get with someone…

This time I get to call the shots about how long the interactions last, as much as I want to stay & I want to cuddle him, I want to feel his hands run all over my skin, I want to kiss him till he’s hard again & fucking me for a third time, but I get up & get dressed… I need to keep the distance. I’ve done it before, I can do it again… As I do he’s is babbling to me saying that I can’t get too attached to him… This pisses me off & I say ‘don’t worry I won’t, I don’t care…’ This reply must piss him off because he keeps saying ‘don’t get too close to me’ & then asking why I don’t care… I am trying to act like I don’t care & to be honest, the more he says I can’t get attached to him, the more in the moment that I hate him…

I am not stupid, he married this women less than 6 months ago, her wedding flowers are sitting in a jar at the front door, dusty & drying, they don’t look like a nice wedding bouquet, it looks like a dead bunch of dusty flowers, so I am well aware of the situation I am in… I expected to see prints of them around the house too, but there are now. But the marriage or wedding day is very apparent in this situation… I’ll call it a situation because relationship doesn’t seem like the right word this time…

His warnings have me leaving his house with just a quick kiss goodbye, he says ‘see ya round’ & I shut the door, walking to the car with just fucked hair & a rosey face, anyone that saw me would know what we just did… I refuse to message him first after this… He was clear, that I shouldn’t get attached. I know he wasn’t going to leave her before they got married, now he’s tied to her by a legal document, that he is not going to walk away from her this time either… I am well aware of that & while my love life hasn’t been going so well, I am also aware of what is out there… At least with this interaction with Marvel, I know what I am getting… Great, amazing sex which guarantees me multiple orgasms, I don’t have any of the drama, the worry about where he is, what he’s doing, what he’s spending money on…. It’s just sex… Isn’t it?

Since he was clear not to get too attached to him, when not too long later the infamous beep of the app goes off & it’s him… “See I told you I got fat” Fuck it makes me smile that he caved first & messaged me… This means a few things to me, that he is sitting there thinking about me since I just left him – I mean how could he not, with super hot sex we just had… But with his comments over & over about not getting attached & him messaging me first, I feel like I am not the only stupid idiot in this situation – I realise that he is saying don’t get too attached to me but it’s as much to himself as he is to me…

#IBD4U

Celebrity

There’s a time in everyone’s life when they have an unrealistic, unhealthy crush (probably better defined as a obsession) with a celebrity. The varying degrees of this obsession will be dependant on the crazy of the person.

I consider myself to be fairly sane. I have obviously had crazy moments, I am not perfect, however for the most part I am sane. I’ve had celebrity crushes before where you google the actor to find out how old they are, where they were born etc. Nothing to exciting. But I think I can safely say that everyone reading this has googled a celebrity in the pursuit of further information at some point in their life.

I don’t know about you but I often switch between paying for Netflix or Stan – never both. At the moment I am watching crap on Stan. When I stumble across an older Australian TV shows, that aired for only 3 seasons between 2013 & 2015. It’s basically Home & Away for adults, set in Sydney. I have to say I never watched it when it was on the TV but I binged watched it a few years ago, enjoying the show & never thinking much of it. However one character always caught my eye.

Re-watching again recently for background noise as I go through life, I realise that there is a character who looks exactly like Doppelganger & you know who he looks like!? Yep, you guessed it. FUCK. It sucks me in… Sucks me in harder than I expect.

His character is goofy, funny, the sidekick with the funny one liners. The type of guy who’s always smiling & cracking jokes. The type of guy I always wish I was with & now he looks like the guy I wish I was with… I know he’s acting, but this type of show is where the actor isn’t really acting, they are basically playing themselves with a script…

He looks like what I want, he acts like what I want, he’s a perfect guy, so I know that if he just met me, he would like me! This could be my happily ever after – if we believe in that shit.

A lot of the characters in the show haven’t really done anything exceptional since the end of the show in 2015 & most weren’t that famous before the start of this show, so he piques my interest, how old is he, what has he done since the show, where does he live? You know the normal sort of questions you may have about a celebrity… So as I type in the title of the TV show into Google, the actors name pops up. I’ll have to preface this by saying I’d never heard of him – I needed to Google the show to find him. (Also because I didn’t know his characters surname)

So while on pursuit of further information about this guy, google tells me that he’s my sisters age, so almost 2 years older than me, that he has been in a few more Australian TV shows including some more recent shows. That I start looking them up to see how big of a role he had in them.

You know it becomes unhealthy when you start looking at their personal Instagram, seeing a wedding ring in some pictures then more recently it disappears… Needing to know, you google further. They divorced recently & theres a news article about them selling their house. She’s in the show business too. But what’s most disturbing is when you see some posts of him being in South Australia on a road trip you & find yourself commenting. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

This fucking comment is probably one of the most crazy thing I have ever done. But I think the worst part is though when I start dreaming up this scenario that he is going to like my comment & then slide into my DM’s.

Of course when he slides into my DM’s he’ll have looked at my tragic Instagram & know that I am not like the rest of his crazy fans, he’ll see that I am a normal girl & really cool. We’ll chat & next time he visits SA – which my google stalking tells me that he is often in Adelaide pre covid for the cabaret festival – he’ll want to catch up with me for a drink.

My google stalking takes me down a rabbit hole of finding out that he’s an amazing singer, which I watch every fucking YouTube clip of interviews & singing clips on all the morning shows. Seriously… This is next level stalking…

I still think about this guy – a lot- an unhealthy amount thinking of how I will check out the cabaret festival whenever it’s on next to see a show he’s in, maybe hang out around the venue like a weirdo for a autograph (something I have not really ever done!) But I really think we could have something if only he’d reply to my comment…

Has anyone else ever done the same?

#IBD4U

Marvel #5

If you missed my announcement or misunderstood it – thinking I was ending it on Friday 13th, then you’re mistaken & you’re not rid if me that easily… I am ending my blog – that is for sure, the weekly posts at least. However, I am not going to leave you hanging. You will get some sort of closure as to what happens! I will tie up loose ends but because I am not dead, you will still probably have questions etc as my life does continue after 40, however I don’t think I can write about it anymore.

When I’m chatting with Marvel, we’re fighting about how he doesn’t trust me. Is he actually serious? I have done nothing to make him not trust me but he says that he thinks I did the Facebook post on purpose & unblocked his wife, which he apparently paid for. He says that it was seemed from his point of view that it was very intentional & that he’s scared to talk to me again. His wife obviously saw it & went on & on about it – he tells me gain that he paid for it…. Not my fucking problem if someone is stalking my Facebook. Why would she stay after thinking he’s cheated again? Why would he say if he was paying for her stalking? Why am I still wanting to chat to him if he’s such a fucking asshole?!

I snap at him that I have been thrown under the bus every chance he got to save himself & I protected him against everyone, even against my readers. Like some sort of wanker & yet I’m the one that’s not trustworthy! Whatever… How fucking dare he. Even if I did post on my Facebook hoping she’d stalk me, which to be honest, I hoped she did, however, I haven’t done anything to jeopardise his trust in me!

But later when we’re chatting & over that topic, I’m begging for a picture from him, not of his dick but of him because he says he’s put on weight, a lot of weight & I wonder if he’s as big as he was in pictures he showed me before he got really skinny the first affair. He sends a picture & my heart skips a beat, my cilt tingles… This picture. He’s standing in his bathroom mirror                              his phone around his chin, his hand, his left hand is on his chest. He’s wearing jeans & a t shirt. The mirror is dirty, there is stuff all around the bathroom bench & all I notice is his left hand, on his chest, right for me to see. His gold wedding band. Nothing hurts me more. I mention it & he says that he didn’t do it on purpose, but I call bullshit. I tell him that there was a time when I thought it would be my ring on his finger. My ring on his finger. I say it again because this ring on his finger now represents nothing. It is a symbol of lies & deceit. It means nothing to him. The one man that I finally thought it would mean something for me & now seeing it on his finger, I think that it is just a fucking joke. No marriage I’ve seen has been worth it. But I thought he was worth it. I think that hurts the most, is that I saw potential with this man. Those dreams are shattered now, that dream is just a childhood fantasy – that marriage is the perfect relationship. Marriage is nothing. It means nothing. I have spoken with enough married men online to know this, but I always believed that when I met the one I wanted to marry, it would be different. How stupid was I?

I think what hurts me the most is that I really wanted to get married. My whole life I have thought about getting married, what the wedding would be like & what type of partner I would be. As you know I took till I was 36 to fall in love for the first time, to fall deeply & madly in love with someone but to have it shattered, I still felt like I could find it again, I felt like I would still get married as that meant something to me. But finding out Marvel got married, shortly after confessing how much he loved me. That dream shattered. That dream is gone.

After this revelation of my own, I realise I don’t care now what happens, but all I want is to fuck this guy. Right or wrong, I want it. He wants it. I have no conscious about it anymore. Marriage means nothing so I don’t give a fuck. I do everything I can to turn him on, pictures, videos, scenarios, I do it daily, constantly every message is now about sex with him, what we used to do, what we could do, how hot it would be, how hot is always was… It does the trick, Marvel asks if I am free on Sunday morning. I tell him that I am free & then he takes it back. Is he playing a game with me too? I wouldn’t out it past him that he is. He even controls my orgasm, which I have sent videos teasing myself where he says that I am not allowed to cum. It turns him on more, knowing that I will obey him. He says though so many times that we shouldn’t be fucking & that we said would wouldn’t even though there is so much tension with him… But I know we will & I know we both want it… It’s just a matter of time really…

When he says come fuck me then. I obviously can’t as I am working but I pretend that I am on my way to his house & that I am at his door. He asks if I am legit, which I am not but I play with him so he freaks out a little. But he’s told me that he’s home alone today & tomorrow. No kids. No wife. He told me with intent. Today I was working & had put a treatment in my hair so I was never going to come over but tomorrow I am working from home still, I will have time at lunch. I can definitely go visit him. He wouldn’t have told me that there were no kids, no wife & home alone, assuming he’s not working… This is a deliberate act, a deliberate conversation to get me to beg him. I am usually stubborn but at this point in my life I am not above begging him.  Even if just to see what his vows mean to him – the fact that he’s been chatting to me for almost a month, every single day isn’t against his vows to her. But seeing me, fucking me, looking at me with love in his eyes is all cheating! I tell him that I can separate sex & my feelings. I am not 100% sure of that truth, but I know I need to see him.

“You free today?” The magic words, the words I was waiting for, the words I have been dying to see on my chat. I have basically begged him to see me so I assume that it doesn’t matter now how desperate I sound. I figure I need to be in & out. I tell him I don’t have long as I’ll just be on lunch, I ask him what I should wear & he says that there are a  lot of people home at the moment, due to working from home so I tell him that I will take “Marvel’s Mistress” sign off my car before I get there! He says good girl & shortly after I am on my way to his house, reversing my car out of the driveway, I cannot believe I am doing this. I could turn around & call it off. I swore to myself that I would never go to his house ever again… But here I am, shaking like a leaf out the front of his house… FUCK. Should I go in? I don’t know if my legs will carry me…

#IBD4U

Announcement!

As promised on my FB page, I have an announcement or news… Whichever way you want to look at it. I don’t know if you’ll be happy or agree with me… But it’s happening! So I thought a good place to post this news is on the blog so eveyone knows not just my FB followers. Also what better day to make an announcement but on Friday 13th!

So what could I have to announce? That I’m in a relationship? That I’m in love again? That I’m pregnant? That I’ve jumped the fence & dating women? Well all of that you’ll have to keep reading each week to find out… Hahaha. I wouldn’t ruin my blog like that for you all by sharing my dating status before we get there…

So let me preface this by saying I have recently just had a big birthday… In fact I’ve just changed decades. The last decade change scared me, but this one I am oddly calm & ok about. But as you all may know if you read this regularly that one of my tag lines of this blog is that I am a “30 something woman, trying to find love in Adelaide.” well I can’t say 30 something anymore…

As you know, the blog is a year behind, so I can & will continue to write about my 30’s & what I get up too, but this blog will come to an end once I hit my 40th birthday (in the writing timeline), whenever that may be.

I cannot confirm nor deny if I am single or in a relationship at this time – this is a real time post. But I will say this: you will get some closure & loose ends will be tied up before I end it. My final blog post has already been written, I’m just now drafting & writing the events in between where we’re up too & today. I’m not saying I won’t revisit from time to time but I am not going to focus on this anymore. All good things must come to an end at some point.

So you’re not rid of me just yet & I’ll explain more as we get towards the end. I don’t know exactly when that is, but it won’t be long…

Stick around for the final chapters of I’ve been dating for you & see if I finally get to say those words to someone or if there’s a different ending for me.

I’m excited to share eveything this covid year has brought to me…

How would you like it to end?

#IBD4U

Marvel #4

There’s a lot of chit chat with him, it’s not like before. I don’t think it will ever be like before, as much as I want it to be. I am not going to get into much details as I have in the past however we talk daily again. We don’t write back as instant as we use to do, I don’t care if I see him chatting in a group & not to me. It bothers me, but I don’t let it work me up like it would have in the past. I am obviously jealous but I have turned back into the stoned hearted woman that I was before I fell in love. (BN – Before Noodle.)

There are some topics with him that intrigue me & I want to share but just know there is a lot missing from this story – but you will get the jist. He tells me that I have turned him on so much he’s going to jerk in the shower, but then says “Was super horny, about to jerk off, then she woke up lol. Had to hide the hard on.” I haven’t be in a relationship for a long time, nor have I had to factor kids, but there would never be a time where my partner had to hid his hard on from me!

I guess the main topic is sex. He keeps saying we can’t fuck again, we’re not allowed too. I remind him that we’ve never been allowed too… He has always been with someone, since when I met him, so this somehow spurs me on. Something switches in me. I do not want to be the other woman ever again, I especially don’t want to be the other woman with him again. However I can’t help myself, I need to see him, I need to see that look in his eyes & I need to know that he still loves me. As soon as I am with him, I will know. I will see.

He’s already think about it, he wants it. I even said I bet that he’s sussed some places at his new work & he tells me to Shhhh. Which means that he has thought about how & where he will be able to fuck me. I know some men think with their cock, I know that he is a liar, but there are somethings people can’t fake. I know he’s not stupid enough to risk it all again, to have an affair for just good sex. But I also know he won’t tell me that he loves him this time around. I will never say it to him, until he says it…

I confide in him about the whole T**y story, I am not sure why but I go into detail about how she called me etc. I think I wanted him to know that I wouldn’t have engaged in a conversation with his wife, just as I tried not to tell T**y’s girlfriend anything in detail. I confirmed the affair, but I didn’t go into detail with her. That was enough. The detail is his responsibility to tell her, not me. I know that if my partner cheated, I wouldn’t want to hear the details from her or her friends on a chat app. I know he would lie to me about it so I would have to decide if I could live with the lies or not. But I wouldn’t rely on the other woman to provide me with details. She is not the one committed to me. She is not the one who has done wrong by me. So I guess I want Marvel to know the story, know what I did.

I feel like we talk but we don’t ever really say anything. He talks a little about his work, I talk about mine. I discuss with him about how bad things are at work. How hard it’s been for me working from home. I know it’s hard for everyone in different ways – of course, I am not pretending I’m the only one with issues during lockdowns but it’s been hard living alone & working alone with a boss calling & setting unrealistic expectations. I talked to a colleague about it to discuss in our team meeting who didn’t back me up. I am more stressed than ever, so you would think talking to Marvel would make things worse but to be honest, this is the most calming this to happen to me. I have my best friend back…

We talk about my fantasies & I remind him that my number one is still spending the entire night with him, I know he wants to write back that it’s his too but he says you can’t hold your farts all night. It makes me laugh, he says that I never farted in front of him so I wouldn’t be able to hold it in. OMG. We’ve known each other almost 4 years now & I’ve never farted in front of him? He’s never farted in front of me either… Is this this his benchmark of an intimate relationship? Once you fart in front of each other, you’re a couple? Hahaha…

I ask him in a manner that doesn’t arouse suspicion from him & just a quick remark saying that he would’ve fucked other people if he could have back when we were having our first affair & I casually add that he probably did. His reply doesn’t surprise me. I know the answer without him having to tell me. “You’re the only one.”

Just over 3 weeks of talking daily, most of the day – like I said not like before but we chat a lot & Marvel is telling me how much he wants to fuck me, we’ve been teasing each other with picture after picture. It always surprises me when he get horny too & sends me pictures or tells me what he would do to me. We usually use a scenario we have done before of course because we can both picture it. It’s fucking hot & I want him. He wants me. Should we fight or it or just give in? When he says we’re not meant to be fucking, I tell him that fucking in the ass or blowjobs are sometimes not considered cheating… I laugh at my own joke, knowing that it is cheating but I fucking want to see if this man is so weak for me that he will see me again… I know he is…

Is this a good idea, is this what I want? Can I remain a cold hearted bitch with no feelings for this guy & just have amazing hot sex? It’s been too long since I was fucked well… I’m torn, I want it but I also don’t know if I can… That fucking addiction of a drug!

I’m already addicted to messaging him, talk about my health, my weight, his weight, his new job, my job, my new hobby & of course sex. This can’t go on like it has & I am not ready for it to end yet. No matter how stupid this is, I am not ready for it to be over.

#IBD4U

Marvel #3

So I struggled to write last week, I think I will struggle to get this story out – but you need to hear it… I apologise for the lack of post last week… As I said before this story never gets easier. I am definitely not going to go into as much detail as I have in the past with this him…

Listen to this song while you read!

Now- onto the post, we all know that I am drawn to him like a fucking moth to a flame. I have told you before, he is a drug. I am an addict.

One last hit & then I promise I am done…

Does anyone even believe that?

I admit to him that I have missed talking to him & he tells me that my sister will kill me for chatting to him again – which she probably would but I figure that talking to him is better than not talking to him… If I can have my friend back, I am willing to put my feelings aside & have him in my life, can he do the same? Well in true Marvel style, he avoids the topic. I cheekily send some pics & remind him of how wet I get around him because he refuses to answer. But I have to know… Can we be friends? Does he want that? Does he want to keep talking to me? “Fine we can be friends” this relieves me. I know things will never be the same with him, I mean how many chances do you get with the same guy?

But like he says within 24 hours, I am sending him a video of a vibe inside me – we’ve been arguing about being friends & I am so turned on, that I have walked in the door & to my bedroom, when he says that I can’t cum… As if he still has control over my orgasms, but like the good little girl I am for him, I wait until he allows me… Videoing it & sending him the video which he replies “We can’t fuck but fuck the tension is going to be bad” Could I have no strings sex with him again? I haven’t have a decent fuck since he fucked me last time.

His new thing to say to me about everything though is “No Comment” or “you wish”. While he used to say that to me a lot in the past, he would always back it up with some thing about hot that was or something else he wants to do to me, but now he just says no comment & doesn’t add anything to it.

He says goodbye & that he won’t be on for a few days but sure enough, he’s on every day, even if for a short time… I am not pining for him to come back online, I don’t wait by my phone, while I write back sometimes quicker that I care to admit, I don’t always dash to write back or have that feeling when I’m at work when I can’t reply straight away…

But now I can’t help myself now – I am playing a game with myself, how long will we chat before he’s asking me to fuck him this time? It’s a fucking risky game because I am so sure in my head that I am going to say no if he asks but also how the fuck will I say no?! My vagina & heart are never in sync, my head has no idea what it’s doing… This is a stupid game but I want to play…

I send picture after picture & tell him sexy scenarios – anytime I try to keep the convo friendly he reads my message & doesn’t reply, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used too… I am not as stubborn as I was with him. I see where that got me in the past, no where… While I still know that this isn’t our time & to be perfectly honest, I think our time has past & our relationship won’t ever be the same, but I am desperate to see if the chemistry is still there, if I still love him when I see him – the more & more we talk, the more & more I am sure that we will see each other again… For lunch again or perhaps we’ll have sex… But I know that he is able to physically pull me in. I resisted him emotionally the first time, the second time I was a goner & this time I can put my guard up. It could just be physical. I am not sure I could do that & I am not sure that he will want to see me, but the electricity between us is crackling again via messages… How long can we resist? Will he just disappear?!

This is right in the beginning of the pandemic we call covid 19. Around this time I get the calls from T**y’s girlfriend, I have to shut my little hobby business & we start working from home in my full time job. A fucking pandemic…. He & his wife are essential retail workers so they are business as usual… I am working from home with a neurotic boss calling me every minute to find out what I am doing, that I get no work done.

I never told a lot of people that I was talking again to Marvel, so this is probably news to some of my friends but one of the things that got me through this time, was chatting to Marvel. I was lucky enough to become very close with a friend who I’ve know for so many years, our brothers are actually friends & so we’ve always known each other & lived close. We’d both been going to the same gym & then covid hit, she wasn’t working & I didn’t have an hour commute to work so we were able to go for a walk/jog every day. It was a god send. Being cooped up at home with only your boss calling you wasn’t easy – I’m not saying the working from home, lock down stuff was easy for anyone but yeah it wasn’t easy for me being alone. Having Marvel back in my life literally made things easier. I was able to just forget about all the drama at work, drama with what was happening in the world & just be in my sex talk bubble with Marvel.

When we talk about the second affair & I say that it was 2 months – which it was closer to 3 but I cut it back a bit, he says that it was only 2 weeks… Is he fucking joking? We chatted for 3 months & fucked for 2, he says that we chatted for 2 months & fucked for 2 weeks…

I know for a fact it was more than 2 weeks, I have it all written down in case she does come after me, because lets be honest, if she knew, I’d be dead but nothing fucks me off more now that he thinks we only had an affair for 2 weeks… This may be the way he justifies it in his head. But I remind him of the fact that I saw him at the royal show & we fucked a 2 months later right up until he got married, so that was not only 2 weeks. He finally agrees that it was 4 weeks, but it was 6 however I let it go when he says “Thanks for unblocking my wife & putting up that post BTW” FUCK OFF. Firstly I reply that all my posts are private, I didn’t unblock her & he should fucking tell her to stop stalking me. He tells me to back off from him & not do anything, why don’t I ever get the same courtesy. I tell him that she is blocked & so is he… so I don’t know what he’s talking about. Also my posts are private. So whatever dude. I am fucking over being blamed for ruining his relationship, I am the single one, I am allowed to be online. I am not committed to someone else, lying to them… He says that he’s blocked me on her phone when he got sick of hearing about me. He says that he even got someone else from the chat app (A friend he was close too who I chatted too a bit about him the first time) to look at the post on FB to see if she could see it. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

So we argue about this for a while, but it took me a while but I think I figured out what here. I shared a song from Spotify so I assume when I did that, it made the post public. He suggests that when she changed her surname on FB that it unblocked me. I have no idea, but I know that I didn’t do anything on purpose. Sure I wrote a post & used a song from his favourite band, if she’s stalking my FB page then that’s not my problem! My Facebook is private & I can share whatever the fuck I like on there!!

He tells me that this is why he was reluctant to be friends with me, he said that he felt that I had done it on purpose. As far as I knew, she had stalked my FB page but I had her & him blocked… If she saw something I put on my private FB page, that’s on them. I can’t believe that he’s allowed to show his partner when I live, give out my FB to someone on the chat app to look  up & I’m not allowed to post what I want on my private page. Fucking hell he’s asshole. I am so fucking angry right now that I say that I wish I was nuts. I wish I could get in my car & got to her work, show her that he’s messaging me. When I tell him that I could go nuts, he says please don’t & that I am scaring him. GOOD! But why does this turn me on having a massive fight with him? There is something wrong with me…

#IBD4U

Marvel #2

I didn’t even notice but Marvel #1 was my 450th blog! What a milestone… Only seems fitting that he be a milestone blog. Also this posted this morning accidentally with no content! Hahaha. So here is the blog.

So this is a hard story to share, to review the messages & write about it, relive it. I don’t always write as things are happening but sometimes I do, so there is sporadic information I have written & other is from memory or screenshots I have.

This doesn’t spoil anything either, but I also know what happens, good or bad, I know because this was a year ago… So that makes it harder. There are still feelings there for me. I know they are still there for him – I’ll admit they aren’t as strong as they were, but they are there… As stupid as it sounds I can feel it in his replies… I can feel the need he has to want to write back to me & I understand why he didn’t immediately reply when I messaged earlier in the week. I hurt him. He hurt me. He’s trying to protect us both, I just need to see this through. One thing about this man, was he was not only my lover – the best & only lover I’ve ever had, he was my best friend, I told him almost everything about me. He got me, he got my personality. He got my sense of humor. He supported me, told me the truth & looked at my like I was the sexiest woman on the planet.

Let’s not forget the chemistry I had with him it’s hard to forget. It’s a drug. The love I had for this man is a drug too, but the chemistry, that physical attraction is unparalleled. Unless you’ve felt it, honestly really felt that feeling, you cannot judge this story. There is wanting someone & there is a need to have someone, this is more than a want, this is more than a need.

So Marvel & I fall back into a daily chat again… This isn’t healthy – I know he would say that to me if he gets the chance. The next day he asks me if my network of spies tell me yet. He’s joined groups again. I don’t care if he is in groups, I only care if he chats to me – I need that right now, I want it right now. MY life is falling apart professionally & I want Marvel to know everything that has happened in the last 5 months since I ended it & since he got married. Oh yes, I need to remember that this man said “till death do us part” to someone who blackmailed him & to someone he loves – I don’t deny that – but to someone he doesn’t truly love either.

He says that I never answered his question about being friends, I ask when because we just agreed yesterday that we would be friends. I am so glad he agreed to being friends. He clarifies that he asked me last year. This needy moment from him – reminds me he’s still in love with me. But I told him last year I wanted to be his friend. I want him in my life, I know it’s fucked but I want it. I tell him that all he wrote to me was I hope we can still be friends & that he would message when he could. I never replied to that – I mean I had sent a video pouring my heart out & that’s all he said, knowing that he was getting married 4 days later. He said because I didn’t reply to that he said to him self “fuck you” & was said he was being a stubborn cunt & wouldn’t write back to me. We’re both stubborn. I was waiting for him to “message when he could” I never got another message so I was being stubborn too… How fucked up are we. Though things happen for a reason I guess, what would have happened if I rocked up to see him & he was suddenly wearing a wedding ring? A wedding ring I so desperately wanted to put on his finger, the only man I’ve ever wanted to marry & he would have one from her. Or would he take it off to see me? Would he hide the wedding photos before I got to his house to fuck him on their couch?

I hate this topic, thinking about what we could have been & telling him how much I cried over him. So I send him pictures from when we were together the first time & he sends me the first dick pic of the chat… That was quick! We’ve been chatting for less than 2 days & I’ve already made him hard enough to send me a dick pic. Then I can’t help myself – I ask if he still uses me to jerk off too & he says that he does. I can’t help but smile. He could easily lie & say no, I know it wouldn’t be true but the fact he told me the truth, makes me smile more than it should.

An odd conversation comes up though about this woman who lives on my street. So she apparently works with his wife, but she also runs a beauty business from home too, his wife went there & apparently this woman knows all about my sex life & told his wife. The story doesn’t add up to me. How would anyone know anything about my sex life unless they read my blog, I am anonymous on my blog so no one would know who I am. He tells me that his wife openly tells everyone he had an affair. With my beauty business, I used a different number, I didn’t put my street address on the pages. No one would know who I was & couldn’t put 2 & 2 together, I was super careful about that. He tells me his wife told this other woman who has a beauty business on my street my house number & to look out for his car at my house. What the actual fuck! I ask him why she would marry him if she’s got people on the look out for him. He says he doesn’t know… but this whole story sounds fishy to me. How could anyone know it’s me? He says he knows nothing more but it doesn’t make any sense to me… He says “my wifes exact txt message was your ex gf runs a beauty business” I question more & he says that she doesn’t know the name of the hobby business, but that she knows I have a hobby… I probe him for answers but he says that he never listened when she talked about it which apparently she did for ages – I mean why would you even text your husband to tell him anything about his ex, I would want him to forget her.

When Marvel blames Sweetie for going to this beauty lady & telling her everything about my sex life. I ask Sweetie in random message as I haven’t spoken to her in a while, but she denies it… This story doesn’t make sense… Why are people in my street talking about my sex life & how do they know? Yeah I know I post a lot on this blog, but a random person on my street couldn’t put this blog, my hobby business & my address all in the same basket. Also I hate that people are talking about me, talking about my private life. Because if this woman was reading my blog, I’m certain his wife would have it, I know he would read it too as she wouldn’t keep it in & I highly doubt he’d be talking to me now…

Something is very fucking fishy here! Oddly I have had random people book in for 3 hour appointments obviously after I’ve work 9-5 at my main job & then I come home to do this hobby, but when the people don’t rock up or ask me really weirdo questions – I am now wondering, was it her?! Is she playing with me to waste my time? I guess we’re all fucked up in our own way…

#IBD4U

Marvel

So have you worked it out? Do you remember who Marvel is?!

A friend on the chat app (who has never rated a mention so I haven’t nicknamed him) tells me that Marvel is back online. I don’t believe it until I get sent his photo of him doing the live picture entry to get into the group, you have to suck you thumb to prove you’re real. There is his face. OMG my heart sinks… His fucking face… He’s looking a lot chubbier than I remember – much like his wedding photo I saw only 2 months before, but it’s him. His face that is so attractive to me, why is he so attractive… I can’t believe this… Have you guessed it yet… It’s fucking Noodle! It’s mother fucking Noodle. On my turf, again!

It’s only been 5 months since he got married & he’s already back online?! Surely not… But the picture proves it… I don’t know what to do. This doesn’t make any sense… So one thing about this, is that he’s using the account that he created at the beginning of our second affair – the one he catfished me on, the one he created to stalk me so I didn’t know… So this tells me that he wants me to know who he is, if I see him joining groups etc. If he didn’t want me to know, he would have created another account & pretended he was someone else & I would never know he was back online… However the friends I have would have told me anyway if he joined with a new profile & when he did the live pic thing, I’m sure someone would have told me…

I decide to not do anything though, as much as I want too, I even tell the other guy that I won’t… I mean I am hurt still, I am not over him… This hurts me too knowing he’s back online… I can tell you though,  I am not as in love with him as I was, but I do still love him – I don’t think that will ever go away, no matter how much he hurts me, it’s always been unattainable so it hurts, but I still want it. I can’t help it – as much as I try, I cannot stop loving him. This time this information doesn’t stop me from eating – that’s the only reason I know it’s different. I know I am different. I have grown from the previous experiences.

He joins on the Friday, I do toy with the idea of using a fake account to play with him – like he once did with me but I know that will just do my head in – I don’t need to know what he writes to other people, I know he likes to chat, I know he likes to be cheeky, I know he likes to flirt…. I need to talk to him as me or not talk to him at all. It’s that simple. I am no catfish… I would only ever chat to him as me or not at all, he knows that about me (whether he believes it or not, he knows I am not like that.) I think it, but I wouldn’t do it.

I wait till Tuesday night when I am level headed – maybe I’m unhinged, I don’t know, I send him several messages & get nothing back. “Imagine my surprise to be told several times that you’re back on here & quite active, only 5 months after saying to me I’ll chat to you when I can & then getting married 4 days later.” I can see that he’s been online because of the little greyed out d but he doesn’t look at any of my messages, which fucks me off & makes me so angry.

Finally I just write “Just reply to me Marvel,” he leaves some groups & I am told that too.. I never thought he would just ignore me, I even say that. I tell J-lo that if he doesn’t write back to me today, I am going to text his mobile number when I know that she is home so my number comes up on his phone. I am so fucking done being ignored by this guy.

He writes back saying that he’s stayed clear of me & that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea that we chat – is he fucking kidding me? Steered clear of me how?! He’s on the chat app, he could be anywhere else, he could have created a new account. But he’s on here & he’s being obvious about it. He tells me that he has no intention of cheating, that he’s a terrible friend & terrible partner that I shouldn’t miss him. I tell him that I feel like a fool for messaging him at Christmas & new years thinking that he was still thinking of me, not realising that he married her, 4 days after I said goodbye for the second time. I ask why he married her & he simply says “Mother of my kids” WOW so heartfelt, I know he has no empathy or compassion but really… I am so angry & drill him, which makes him turn the conversation to me fucking other men & my dating – because he thinks I’ve fucked everyone again. He tells me that he never wanted to fuck me the second time & I laugh & say “your face at Hungry Jacks told me a different story!” He asks if I want to chat him or not & my heart wrenches… I do. But then he says that he can’t be my best friend or my lover, which I know… Could I even see him again this time?!

I tell him I started a little hobby business, something I wanted to tell my best friend since the moment I started it & he says that he already knows… WHAT? How? He says his wife knows because someone on my street works with her… OH FUCK. Like Adelaide is ridiculous!

He asks me to promise that I won’t tell anyone that we’re talking… Believe me, if I told people, they would kill me… They saw how destroyed I was, both times. What could he do to me this time?!

He tells me he’s finally got a job, it took him a while & he’s gone back to retail, part time. I know this is a kick to his self esteem & another reason why he would think he’s not good enough for me. He bitches about he fact that I won’t tell him who told me that he’s back online, he says he doesn’t like people knowing his business – well do you think I like the fact that his wife is talking about me & telling people who live in my street about my little hobby business? So I know now that when I got all these weird messages, it was probably her playing with me. I hope not but now I know she knows about the business, I’m sure she would have. He tells me that someone told him that I fucked cowboy – someone he hates, he says when I question him “that it came up in conversation” but omg he is pissed that someone told me that he was back online. I mean someone is talking abut my sex life, all anyone has said to me is that he’s back online. How can he even be angry at me right now…

When he starts to really piss me off I simply say “does your wife know we fucked 10 days before your wedding on her couch?” & he tells me that he’ll be quiet about it. He doesn’t see the difference, someone is talking on the chat app about people I have had sex with. Everyone knows I used to fuck Noodle as he told everyone when he left the chat app the first time – he made it perfectly clear. It’s ridiculous… I can’t believe he’s angry at me about this! He says that he asked me specifically not to fuck one guy, “one single person on the chat app” I get why he’s hurt about that, I hated myself for it afterwards as you all know. However he can’t see that everything he’s done to me has been way worse… Fuck he’s so self-involved.  He says good bye saying he’ll chat soon & I agree that I want to chat with him… Do I want to chat with him again?! As it is, I finally got him to reply to me today & we’ve chatted all day, every second that we could… Mainly as a fight but we were chatting – so easily…

SIDE NOTE– So one of the reasons why I have been struggling to write, is that I knew this story was coming up & this story is very difficult to write… I really don’t want to go back through the messages (yes I’ve screenshotted every single chat with him) & have to relieve everything thing we ever said, remember this is all a year ago now & it’s very difficult for me to keep travelling back to this epic love story gone wrong. But I do want you to read it… But please bear with me if I can’t get a blog post done!

So I’ll ask you… -Do you want to hear what happens next with this story?

#IBD4U

Dom Dom #4

At this point, I haven’t spoken to Dom Dom in a little while but he pops up every now & then, we chat, he tries to phone sex with me, I am not always into it, I think he realises that something is up with me – why I’m not interested or getting involved & so then he disappears for a while.

I’m sitting at home one Saturday afternoon when he asks what I’m doing. I say nothing, because that’s true. Next minute he’s on his way to my house saying that he’s in the area. I don’t know what it is about this guy, before Milky, Dom Dom was probably the most influential in my sex life, however I hadn’t ever actually met him until recently. But when he comes over, as much as I want to see him, I also don’t… I know he also reads these blogs so I will be honest – I’ve told him not to read but one thing about this guy is hard for me to say knowing he reads, but I always give you honesty. This guy as you know is married. He’s not leaving his wife either. He is also very dominant, which I love. But is always on his terms. His time schedule. I used to run late for work because he would call me for phone sex, then he’d hang up like I meant nothing & would say later he had to go to work or someone came up to his car – there is always an excuse, he’s done, he hangs up. Of course I’ve cum too but it’s always on his terms. I fucking hate that. When do I get a change to be the one calling the shots?

Anyway this Saturday he rocks up to my house, he sits on my couch, again I am just still heart broken & unlike last time, I am trying not to fill that void with meaningless sex. But there is also a pull with this man too, he has something over me. I don’t know what it is but he has it. A connection I seem to only find with married men.

I end up sucking his dick but I refuse to have sex with him, as he leaves – once he’s done I fucking hate myself. I have been dicked around by man after man & here I am still trying to get over someone & here is another dude just messing with me, just using me.

After the whole T**y debacle I am in a really low place, lower than I think I have ever been, I mean I knew men lied & I know they lie to their partners, I am not stupid but his lies to me were next level. I haven’t experienced lies like that before. Dom Dom is chatting sporadically as he does, he decides that we need to see each other in the city. I don’t even know where, he keeps suggesting club x, but I refuse to go. I don’t know what’s worse, where we do meet or club x?! Because of how low I am, the last person I had sex with at this point is T**y, the lying fucktard so I agree to meet with Dom Dom after much persuasion from him.

We meet in public toilet, one of those smart loos, he’s in there when I arrive, thinking why the fuck am I doing this… We’ve chatted on the phone my whole drive, he’s made me take off my panties & show him. I admit that it turns me on but I still have this voice inside my head telling me not to go, but my vagina telling me to go & get it some action.

As soon as I walk in & the door locks, I am grabbed & kissed. We kiss for a while, he then pushes me down to suck his cock, I do not want to kneel on a foul toilet floor so I don’t. When we have sex with a condom, from behind, me bent over touching the wall, I am thinking that I am never going to cum from this, public sex was fun with Silverlining, but this isn’t that… This isn’t that can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other type of chemistry that makes me want to fuck in a public space. So when Dom Dom surprises me with my ultimate fantasy – that not many people know, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it much here, but I want a threesome with Silverlining & Dom Dom. I wanted it when I was with Silverlining the first time & I still do. Two men I trust that won’t do anything I didn’t want them too – however it would be a bit of a pissing contest as I know Silverlining would want to be in charge but wouldn’t want to look like a dickhead in front of me or another guy, so when Dom Dom starts saying to me while fucking me “You know you want Silverlining in your ass & me in your mouth, fucking you at the same time” He keeps talking so dirty to me about what the two of them would do to me that I imagine Silverlining is there with me & I cum pretty hard, it’s probably the hardest I’ve ever cum with another guy who wasn’t Silverlining.

As we’re leaving the public toilets, his phone rings & he says it’s his wife, so he scurries off, leaving me without a kiss goodbye, without the thought of how I might be feeling after that… I guess I don’t have to matter to him really, I mean I am just a piece of ass – I know he says we’re friends but lets face it, the guy lies to the woman he loves every day, so what makes me think that he’s honest with me!?

I try to explain to him a few months later about how I felt when Dom Dom actually asks me if he’s done something wrong & why I haven’t made time to have phone sex, why I don’t just want to watch him jerk off while I sit there trying to be interested… Because I want more than that… I deserve more than that. I don’t want him to leave his wife for me, but I don’t want to be the side piece that always gets hung up on & forgotten about. I am not sure if he even understands how that feels… I still don’t even know if he really gets it… I don’t think he’ll ever truly get it…

A week or so after I fuck Dom Dom in a public toilet in the city, my gut wrenches…. He’s back… Do you remember who Marvel is?! OOOOH, I love a good bit of intrigue! Hahaha… He’s back… He’s mother-fucking back!

#IBD4U

Tattoo

I am going to be brutally honest & this post probably won’t even be 500 words! What a way to spoil it! Hahaha. Sorry.

I have limited notes so most of this is just memory but I need you to hear these stories… This happened shortly before I ended things with Silverlining. I was chatting to Tattoo online a fair bit & we were getting along so we decided to meet for a drink.

Why does chatting online come so easily with some men, its funny, cheeky, even easy & so you start planning your life with these men thinking about how they’re going to fit in your life, yet you’ve not even met them… Does anyone else do this?

When Tattoo & I meet, he’s British – you all know I love this. He’s covered in tattoos – not an issue for me, I have 7 myself but mine all aren’t on show, all hidden. But he’s also bald – which you all know I don’t love. He spends a lot of time telling me about his tattoos & what they mean, I’m pretty sure there were actual sea creatures, not just cartoons or artist impressions, they were actual sea creatures like from a science book. He talks a lot about his work & how much he earns, saying he earns over $120k for the job he does is probably fucking bullshit – I can’t remember what he did but I remember thinking I’m either underpaid, he’s overpaid or lying. Probably the latter!

We met at a pub I seem to have every first date at, the staff there must see me with a different guy every few months & think I’m a prostitute or something. Hahaha. The date goes ok, as we sit there, chatting & laughing, I know I am not 100% invested in this guy, however like always I am open to a second date, you know – to give them a go. FFS.

I’d had a couple of wines & he’d had a few drinks, when we go to leave he says he didn’t drive there & he’ll wait around for a Uber home. Before I even know what I’ve said I offer to drive him home. WTF #IBD4U. Why would you offer to drop this weirdo home… (he’s not a weirdo but I mean he’s a stranger – then again you have let men stick their dick in you after a short date… Maybe this isn’t that bad!) His suburb is a little further away than mine but I drop him off anyway. As I pull up at his house & park, he does ask me inside which I say no it’s late blah blah blah in a school night, so he leans over & kisses me goodbye. Quite a long passionate kiss. He says that he has a great night & asks to do it again. I say my standard yes.

The next day I receive a message from him, telling me that he had a good time but he doesn’t want to take it any further with me… OK. So at least one thing I realised is that while I say the standard yes to seeing them again, they are doing the obligatory hope to see you again speech. I just never thought anyone would ever use it on me, I’ve been ghosted so much, I just assumed people would do that if they didn’t want to see you…

So another one bites the dust hurting my feelings without even trying… Soon after this things are over with Silverlining & I try to date some other men… Look how well that turns out!

Well look at that – I did get 500 words out of this date!

#IBD4U

Comedy

Ah so we’re still around the end of 2019, I meet a man online who I have mutual friends with on Facebook. I actually work with his cousin & have a friend in common too, you may remember Shark, this guy, Comedy is also friends with him too… That’s Adelaide for you. Comedy isn’t exactly my type but to be honest, I don’t know what my type is. I mean I used to always want someone with blonde hair & blue eyes, just like me. However every single guy I date is pretty much brown hair, brown eyes & usually with a beard… I mean I hate beards. Yet the guy I love has one? So yeah he wasn’t even my typical type & yet somehow I fell for him too. This guy Comedy is fair with blue eyes, so perhaps this is why he’s been sent to me? Perhaps he is my type?

Also he knows people I know so he can’t be a complete douche? But then why haven’t people tried to set me up if he’s single? Well I’ll tell you why… We chat for a bit & then decide to meet, we meet for a drink at a pub, closer to me than him but he lives way out north in whoop whoop but he says that he doesn’t mind driving to meet me… It’s a Sunday afternoon, I know I will have to go home & have family dinner soon, so we won’t get long anyway.

Comedy tells me about how he has two kids & also tells me that his ex has done a number on him, not going into full details but he gave me enough information for me to realise that he is not over her or what happened. He also reveals that he’s not looking for a relationship – well what the fuck are we doing here? Why date if you don’t want a relationship? Don’t you just try to fuck them after a few drinks? Not meet them on a Sunday afternoon!

So I sit though the date doing what I usually do & avoid talking about my past, knowing that there is no point being here today… I mean I am not saying he has to want to be in a relationship with me or that I am looking for one as such while my heart is still shattered, but I know I don’t want to waste time with someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Been there – done that! This blog is a testament to that. Hahaha.

Anyway he contacts me after the date & asks to go to a comedy show, I have nothing better to do, so I decide to go along. We can be friends. We meet for a drink & a comedy show after work one night & it’s a good night, a little awkward as I know his feelings haven’t changed & so I keep him at distance. I am not certain what I am looking for but I know I don’t need another emotionally unavailable man in my life. I don’t want to get hurt again & I don’t want to put myself in a position again when I could fall for someone who can’t/won’t fall for me.

He keeps the conversation going online after the date & we arrange to meet for another comedy show & dinner, after work again on a weeknight however, this night I am starting to get a sore throat & I don’t want to cancel since we had tickets, but at the end of the night when we’re standing at my car, I get the feeling he is going to try to kiss me… To be honest, my throat isn’t that sore & it actually never eventuated into anything, however, knowing how far away this guys lives from me – like over an hour & a half away plus the fact that he doesn’t want another relationship, I am keeping myself emotionally unavailable to him. I mean lets face it, I am emotionally unavailable to everyone at this point, but I have a guard up with this guy. So I pull away from the kiss & tell him that I don’t want to get him sick. He genuinely looks upset & I never want to see that look on a guys face ever again.

After that date, we chat a little, he messages me for my birthday & we talk about going to another comedy show again – as that’s the thing we had in common & lets face it who doesn’t love a comedy show?!

But a few months later – I see his profile picture has changed on Facebook & what do you know… It’s a stunning woman looking all gooey eyed with him…WHAT THE FUCK. He was so adamant about not wanting to be in another relationship ever again – EVER, like so much so that I was taken back by the way he was so forceful about it, yet he was on a dating app, matching with people a million miles away from him…  

He’d even told me about a woman he was seeing just before me who he’s now just friends with but she wants more & he refuses to give her more so she’s stopped seeing him – or something like that… I don’t blame her & I thank him for his honesty on the date, but this shit fucks me off…

I kept this man at a distance & never got to really know him or give either of us a chance because of what he’d said & now look, he’s got a fucking gorgeous girlfriend… Where am I? Still dating absolute fuckwits… I just want to scream….

#IBD4U

Froth & Fodder

This isn’t going to be a long one, for a long weekend, you should have a good long blog, but sorry this is not it! Spoiler alert!

I meet this guy online & my first instinct is that I am not instantly attracted but I’ve been told sometimes it takes a while to build that chemistry & attraction – well not in my experience, I mean I had an instant connection online with you know who & when I met him in person the sparks flew, the electricity crackled.. I think that’s very rare… Or very rare for me anyway.

I chat to this guy for a short time but to be honest we barely chat before he’s asking me out on a date. For something different, we meet before work for breakfast… A week day date that is completely out of the norm for me, so I think this is isn’t going to be that bad, this could be fun, this could be the one…

Oh fuck I love the beginning of things & also loathe myself for having these thoughts… When we get to breakfast, it’s early in the morning, the place we’ve chosen isn’t packed but there is no where to sit but outside of hipster stools.

He’s very tall, like lanky tall, really blonde hair – like almost an albino looking guy & looks pretty much like his pictures – which makes me think instantly that I am not really attracted. Most guys I meet look nothing like their pictures.

The conversation rapidly gets staler than a loaf of bread left out on the bench & I find it so difficult to even seem interested in my while I eat my overly expensive smashed avocado & poached eggs. We literally talk about his business – he’s a developer or something, honestly his monotone voice makes me tune out but I sit there looking interested & asking lots of questions. He asks about my work & my hobby business but it’s forced. This whole date feels forced… Is it the breakfast style date or is it the company?

This will come a complete shock to you all (not) I never message this guy ever again & I know I’m never going to hear from him again either, which I don’t… However I still wonder what the fuck I could have done to not get a message from him.

This always intrigues me, so many people tell me I am beautiful, I look like my pictures, my dry sense of humour & personality is the same over text as it is in person, yet people tell me I’m fussy… I just went on a boring date after boring date with losers & I’m the one who doesn’t get a text message?!

Anyway sorry for the short blog, my notes were very vague on this one but I think it’s important you see how many actually fucking dates I go on to truly understand me!

Have a great weekend, until next blog!

#IBD4U

Milky #12

Do we all remember Milky? If you’re a regular reader you might remember him… You can go back & read the story but his story crosses over with others & is a little complicated, so if you don’t have time for that, I’ll sum up a little bit about Milky for you…

Firstly I have to admit that while Milky was only in my life for a short time, albeit twice, he also was one of my biggest sexual influences… He wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had now, but he was at the time the top sexual partner I had. Others have surpassed him at this point in my story but he really showed me a thing or two about fucking up until that time.

Milky was the one who showed me a little kink, spanking & tying me up. He took me to my first rope week show where I sat in awe of what was happening on stage, never knowing that a few years later I would be hanging out with these people… Milky was also my first real FWB. He was the first person that I was comfortable to hang around & I wasn’t constantly thinking – where is this going. Until I thought I wanted more & called it off when he didn’t feel the same. He was sort of – as one of my friends puts it – my sexual awakening. He showed me that there was a lot more to sex than just laying on your back & pretending to cum so it was over…

The second time with Milky, I knew I wasn’t interested in him romantically but he was an actual FWB until he fucked it up by wanting to fuck my other FWB’s wife. Which he did & treated her poorly & so I never saw him again after that… However the mother fucker is back!

My life is very interesting, I guess I am always on the chat app so people come & go, I allow people to walk in & out of my life, so I get that I am part at fault here but seriously, how many times does a guy need to come back into my life & still not want to date me!? FFS.

This is honestly another example of why my heart is broken & remains broken… If you’ve ever had a broken heart & still think love is out there for you, but love kicks your ass every time you chat to someone – no matter where you find them (for those who say I’m looking in the wrong places) or even when I am not looking, like now, somehow Milky returns to my life & chats as if nothing has happened, as if no time has passed. I do like that he’s just sort of picked up where we left off, that it’s like no time has passed, that is the sign that he truly was a proper FWB. Probably one of the only functioning FWB I’ve ever really had.

We actually talk about what happened with Sweetie & look, it may have all been a misunderstanding. Regardless of what happened with Sweetie & Max, there was no way Milky & I stood a chance once Noodle came into the picture. I cut everyone else out. I had something with Noodle that I never had with anyone else before. But now Milky is back, there is no Noodle perhaps this could be the time for him. However something sparks in me to look at Milky’s fetlife account & he still has pictures of his girlfriend up there. Now fetlife for some is as update as their Facebook. If you’re like me, it’s not & I still have things of Noodle up there, so I just casually ask if he has a girlfriend still. When he says yes, I’m ot surprised but do no want to get back into being in a three way thing again, I ask if they’re open though & he says that they used to be but now they’re not. I tell him to get off the fucking chat app & he says that she doesn’t know he’s on there but she doesn’t want sex as much as she used too so he’s just looking for something on the side… OMG not this old chestnut…

I know I have been the mistress before & I have been the second partner in a poly type thing before but fucking hell, when do I get to be girlfriend number one for once?! To be frank with you I end the communication with him shortly after this revelation.

Just another example why my heart hurts, why it’s so difficult for my heart to repair. I know this post is less than 1000 words (as are the other shorter ones recently), but remember in actual real time, I am chatting to these people virtually non stop for a week or two – sometimes even longer, during such time I am sticky taping my dream wedding back together in my head – genuinely thinking that this could be how my story ends… This could be the man I have been dating for… When it all comes crumbing down around me again, I think to myself ‘how much more of this bullshit can I handle?!’

#IBD4U

Rope #3

Another shorter post of you… You’ll remember at the end of the previous post I said “this is what the universe gives me when I try to move on.” At this time we not only have Covid-19 shutting everything down, we are starting to work from home. Remember I live alone with my anti social 14 year old cat. While working from home seemed like a great idea & I couldn’t wait, I am isolated even more without the social aspect of going into work everyday. Things aren’t good for me prior to this anyway at work. My hobby business is shut down, making me homebound even more. I know it sucked for everyone, I’m not saying I was worse off than others, I am just trying to explain for those living alone, there were some days I didn’t even open my mouth to speak… It’s an odd feeling you know, when you realise you didn’t utter a single word to another human being all day & not by choice.

This is very sadly for me the last I ever interact with rope in this way… It was something I enjoyed, it was something that I liked because it was the only time in my day when my mind just completely switched off & I thought of nothing when I was being tied. I didn’t think about boys, I didn’t think about work troubles or money woes. My mind for the first time ever was completely blank when I was participating in rope workshops or classes. Covid-19 obviously had a lot to do with it being over for me, I mean shortly after this everything was closed down anyway for a period, then when they reopened it was almost like they did it to exclude people they didn’t want in their elite club, you couldn’t attend unless you had a partner. They wouldn’t pair singles anymore… Also ironically after this I never get an email to renew my membership so I never go back even after covid. But by this time I have my little hobby beauty business to keep me occupied – but of course it was shut down for 3 months.

Boss posts on Facebook for someone to do classes with as his partner is pregnant & so she can’t do it. I say I am free & he messages me & says that he thought of me & wondered if I was free on the weekends of the fringe & so I agree. This year I decide not to go to any of the shows, not really knowing anyone or feeling welcome anyway. I mean I am tying/roping with one most respected rope people in Adelaide & yet somehow it is still awkward as fuck. Even people I was good friends with don’t even acknowledge my presence. I spend the lunch breaks alone, feeling awkward as they go as a group to buy lunch, excluding me from the opportunity to eat with them…

Look I am not saying everyone has to like me just because I think I am wonderful (Bahaha) but there is being polite & there is just plain fucking rude. To be honest the air was toxic & I wouldn’t have hung around for lunch with them but they literally went out, got lunch from the supermarket & made it in front of me. Is that weird or am I being too sensitive here?! I still don’t know why this group hates me so, even though others know. I assume I’ll never find out.

Anyway I enjoy the rope part, but I don’t enjoy the driving to Port Adelaide everyday & feeling like an outsider but the rope part pushes me to some limits I didn’t know I could go too… I had lost more weight recently with work issues that I was fitter than I had ever been. I wasn’t as self-conscious & was really able to let go & enjoy being tied up. I’m sad that chapter is over, it’s a bit of a bittersweet ending to something I liked to do. But I have enough negativity in my life, I don’t need more.

I leave the Facebook rope & kink groups & as you know, I never get an email inviting me to renew my membership. I leave that all behind. I even delete my fetlife account, knowing that Silverlining doesn’t have his anymore & knowing that I just don’t feel like I am going to find someone ever again that I will enjoy this level of kink with….

More hurt washes over me, I know that Silverlining wouldn’t be interested in rope but it when stuff like this happens. I get so sad… Combined with the crazy world around us that was 2020, I am barely holding anything together…

I am not going to wait around for these people to see the real me, if they’re all going to let something that happened at a party a year ago define what they think of me, when everyone is to gutless to confront me about it, I am done with this group of people, I will not let them hurt my feelings anymore.

#IBD4U

Baker

I’m going to do a few short posts in the next few releases of blogs as I have a few little stories to get out… So I may post on random days not just Sunday’s as I have been – It will always be a Friday, Sunday or Tuesday but keep an eye out! Or better yet, subscribe via email & it’ll come straight to your inbox.

So while these little stories don’t seem significant, just wait to you read the end of this one & keep in mind I actually had to live through this in real time… This is why these stories are significant to things that happen, happened & what my thought process is…

So lets get back to some things that crossed over my timeline with T**y & also at the end of 2019. All the root cause for me saying I’m not dating in 2020. However I am still not 100% sure how or if I am going to go into details about 2020 & 2021 – I really need a consultant to help me make some decisions… Hahaha! I did post on Facebook & you all said to write as if I would if no one were reading, so I will do my best for you all!

This dude – Baker, I’m chatting to on a dating site & he seems a bit younger but when we talk about our histories to do with being overweight, we seem to find stuff in common, so we chat easily.

He’s a baker (As if you didn’t already know that! Hahaha) he is already home from work messaging me saying he should go to sleep, that he’s been awake at work all night. But I am out north side of town for work, when we’re messaging & I tell him I am looking for somewhere to go for lunch & he says that he’ll come meet me… WELL FUCK. I am in a shopping complex not in a date outfit but a more dressy than my usual work outfits, a white long French Connection skirt & navy no brand top, I’ve actually done my makeup today – which is also unusual, so I look good, I feel good so I think why the hell not. I like to meet people quickly so I don’t start dreaming up our relationship in my head. We’ve only been chatting a few days so it’s fairly new & interesting, I am not out north a lot, nor do I have time for lunch breaks often so I think this is the perfect opportunity & if it goes badly, then I have an out as I have to get back to work!

We meet in a café, but he’s late & so I happen to get out my work laptop & do some work while waiting. I look pretentious, it’s not something I do often but I have work to do. When he arrives, only a couple of minutes late, I struggle to put my laptop away & look at the menu, then going up to order. It’s always awkward in a café, who pays… I am first so I just pay for my own & sit back down. I get a big breakfast like a fat bitch & he gets loaded fries – which he barely eats any of & I basically finish mine as I love a good breakfast platter for lunch!

Maybe the sight of a woman actually eating turned him off or maybe because he was tired – even though he rocked up looking like he is a homeless person saying he’s going on a hike, but this guy could not be less interested to chat to me on this date. He does talk about smoking weed, which isn’t my thing so maybe he’s just stoned?! I don’t know what it is but I give up trying to have a conversation with him & just let the silence be awkward while we eat. This is when he realises that I am doing all the talking & when I shut my mouth he sort of tries to have a reasonable conversation but I can tell he is either stoned, doesn’t care about this date or both. I realise that I don’t care either, I shouldn’t even be on this date. He’s a bore & I’m clearly not his type. That’s fine I am not hurt about it but I make the excuse that I need to get back to work he talks about a going on a hike. He walks me halfway to my car then says he has to go another way, so I just wave goodbye, knowing there is no chemistry with this guy, not even a tiny spark.

I never hear from him again & I never message him either… No love lost. But as I walk away, my heart aches. If fucking aches. Not for this guy of course… This guy is nothing to me. Just another story to tell you all about why & how I am still so fucking in love with Silverlining… This is what the universe gives me when I try to move on, when I try to forget him… I get some dickhead that can’t even act interested in me when on a date…

#IBD4U

T**y #7

I don’t want to dwell on this story, we all know that it doesn’t end well, right? I mean the psychic had it very FUCKING wrong. Well, maybe she didn’t because this guy’s name isn’t actually T**y. I am not sure what pisses me off more, the fact that this guy lied to me, or that fact that I used this pseudonym for a douche not named T**y?!

So I’m going to do something unusual for me & lets get this story over with & stop wasting our time with a douche, however in real time, I spent another month or so with this story… So I’ll give you the abridged version because honestly none of this deserves our time. First to set you straight, I never get any money from him. I don’t think I would have taken it anyway, I’m not that type of person but it was interesting seeing the poll on Facebook. But I never get the chance to reject it even though I told him I wanted $2k to keep my mouth shut as a joke. Hahaha…

The following week I see him & he brings back my blanket, he seriously has ADHD & he says that his partner say that to him a lot too… Ok so now he’s comfortable enough to talk about her with me. He tells me bullshit about liking talking to me & being able to talk about her with me, which he tells me a lot about how he’s a nurse, I already know what she looks like, she’s not a slim as I thought he would be with but she is the porcelain doll made up look in every photo on Facebook – the look literally every guy I’ve ever been with ends up with after me.

This night, not only does he bring a plate of food, mash potato, meat & veg on a plate with no glad wrap, that he’s driven to my house plus a stein & cutlery, T**y eats his dinner at my kitchen bench while we chat & drink some beer. I am so short & curt with him, all I want is my blanket back & for this dude to get out of my life. However loneliness & heartbreak will do weird things to you. I actually like this guy if you put the lies aside. He’s funny, easy to talk to & taking up some of my mental space to stop me overthinking.

He decides to start moving my things around to redecorate my house, moving plants & nick nacks, which I just follow him around & put them back where they were as we all know his styling is fucking batshit crazy! So I tell him to stop & he wants to go for a drive, I am not driving as I have had a couple of drinks. To be honest, when I look back he shouldn’t have been driving, but when he says he has her car, I say absolutely not. First, one thing I am always reminded of is my smell. Silverlining always was worried about my smell lingering, I got self-conscious to the point I was thinking I stink like shit, but Silverlining says it was my perfume that he likes it but he smells it on himself later even after he’s showered. (Yes my signature smell has worked!) T** y & I don’t go for a drive, which is a good idea & then as he leaves, with no sex, he tells me that he’ll message tomorrow.

The next morning in a small foggy haze of a hangover, I realise the mother fucker has left his plate, stein & fork in my sink. I put them in the dishwasher & wait for the message that never ever comes. I can’t even be bothered but they sit on my bench for over a week when we finally arrange to catch up. He has a new car. His house has sold & he has the money (I am not sure how he got the money so quickly but I don’t even care or ask) of course I never see any of it. We hang out & chat, we do go for a drive in his new car, when he drops me off he doesn’t come inside & I’ve made sure that he has his crap off my bench. Again as I get out the car, I give him a quick kiss, he says he’ll message but I never hear from him again.

That was the last time I ever saw him… Like Jack slipping away into the Atlantic ocean from the sinking of the titanic, I felt T**y slip away… Not a bad thing, but I am lonely…

Well you think that is the end?! You’re very mistaken!

Of course what is a story from #IBD4U without a little drama… I mean ghosting, pfft, that’s what men do all the time. So what does T**y do? Leaves his phone out for his girlfriend to find, doesn’t he?! Yes you guessed it, T**y starts messaging me one day, but the messages are weird & I sense that something isn’t right. When he starts asking what he’s done wrong when I call him an idiot & then she reveals it’s her texting & sends me another number to text, I tell them to leave me out of their games & put my phone down. These people have screws loose & I don’t want to be part of it anymore.

I am not messaging the number whoever is texting me gave me, I figure that she now has my number, if she wants to message me, then she can but otherwise I am out of this equation… Seriously, can my life be any more ridiculous?!

I’m not sure if I mentioned this but during the time I ended things with Silverlining (AKA the second affair) but before I met T**y I swore off dating, so I threw myself into learning some new skills doing eyelash extensions to keep my mind busy. Also during this time, much to my psychologist disgust, I get addicted to a farm game on my phone as well. Both these hobbies get me through some tough stuff at work & help me though the loneliness of not having anyone to talk to about the shit going on. So as any beauty business, they were all shut down in March 2020 for a period of 3 months. But on this night, when I am doing my lash removals, of lashes I have spent hours putting on my friends & family, I get home exhausted mentally & emotionally when I get a call… It’s almost midnight. I don’t know the number but somehow it’s familiar… It’s her. It’s T**y’s partner. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I ignore. I ignore again. I ignore again. So she starts texting me asking me to tell her the truth. It takes me ages to reply & I only do because she starts ringing me again. I secretly as happy that when Noodle’s wife wrote down my number, she had it wrong because I don’t know how I should handle this situation.

I finally answer the phone but don’t speak, I don’t even say hello & she’s sobbing. She starts talking, I don’t even remember what she says exactly, but she tells me that he’s cheated on her before & they’ve been together only 6 months (He told me that), she tells me that he’s told her that she’s not to give me any money (WTF!), she says that I should get STI checks but she’s clean, she tells me that he’s on drugs & I should be careful that he knows people who will hurt me, she begs me over & over to just tell her what happened between him & I… I say to her “Look ****, you’re obviously a smart woman, you’re a nurse, you wouldn’t be on the phone to a stranger at midnight on a Wednesday night if you didn’t already know what happened” She asks how I know she’s a nurse & her name, because he told me that’s how he’s free at night.

She then tells me he’s up, coming into the room & puts me on speaker phone but the phone goes dead, I was about to hang up anyway, I mean come on people, do I really want to be involved in a three way phone conversation? Fuck no.

I put down my phone & get inundated up until 3am with calls & text from T**y’s phone & from her number too, saying I better tell her the truth & I should watch out. Between every text message is a couple of missed calls.

Thankfully, even though I put up a security camera out the front of my house that weekend, I am thankful that is the last time I ever hear from either of them again. I believe they stayed together for a while, but I think they have broken up now.

Thank god that chapter is over, but never a dull moment in my life, right?!

#IBD4U

Judgement

A few weeks ago, a very good friend of mine, told me she believes that I am judgemental. This got me thinking as I have always thought that I am pretty open minded & I don’t think I judge anyone at all, I mean if you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that I am the last person that should be judging anyone!

However it’s struck a cord with me as she did reference my blog & things I say out loud to her. When I am discussing why people do what they do to my close friend, I am not at all intending that to be judgement. Especially when I say “How can she stay with him?” (Mainly about Silverlining’s wife. That is not me meaning to be judgemental, that is me simply asking the question out to the universe! I guess the question that I don’t ask out loud at the same time, but I constantly think is “How can I still want him after everything?” I understand why she’s holding on, they have history, a family, a life together so my question is hypothetical… What I had with his, was a dream, a fantasy of what we could have had. So I want to be clear that I am not judging.

I also want to be clear if I describing how someone’s house looks or their appearance, I am just simply trying to paint a picture. I am not judging anyone or meaning to seem judgmental. I mean I have told you before, I have what my friends call a show home – people are afraid to bring their kids to my house (which I find silly but I get why they wouldn’t want too) but I grew up in a hoarders house, my parents are still hoarders. I didn’t come from money or a home where we have everything packed away, so again if I am describing the ins & outs of someone’s house or car, I am not trying to be judgy, I am simply trying to paint the picture.

I honestly thought that was what I was doing with a my friends too, but obviously I am coming across as a judgmental bitch. This is not my intention of my blog or my words. I am not going to pretend that I don’t know that what I say & how I say it could be perceived as judgemental, but it’s not my intention.

I am far from perfect, I am far from being fault free… I am me & I have made mistakes. I don’t have a poker face. I write as if I am speaking to you & telling you the story in person. I don’t change the way I am, I am finding out lately that sometimes that means walking away from some friendships that you’ve had for many years… Sometimes that means giving someone another chance…

But just know, that I do genuinely know I am a good person who has done some wrong things, no one is perfect. No one is always on their best behaviour. But I am me, I am trying to be the best I can while sharing my inner most thoughts with you…

I hope this ramble makes sense. A few things have happened lately that I am evaluating my friendships, evaluating my love life.

To give you a small spoiler update, you all know from another post that I lost my previous job in 2020, a job I was good at, a job I loved. After a year of finding myself again I have recently gained full time employment in the field that I have been working towards for about 8 or 9 years. Something that has been dangled in front of my eyes so many times & taken away… So I say to anyone who’s dreams keep getting squashed, to keep aiming for those stars, because you will reach them if you never alter your dream to suit someone else… Now only if I could be as successful in my relationships! Hahaha!

Keep reading to find out what else happens with me!

#IBD4U

T**y #6

So you all think I am an idiot… I don’t know what I am thinking, I agree with you all, I am never going to get my stuff back! FUCK! Including my beautiful living maiden hair fern which is doing so well (I hear they’re the hardest plants to keep alive). After we pick up all my things – mainly from my bathroom, we spend hours restyling his house… He tells me that he’s now going to get a good price for the house & he’s going to give me $1000 for helping… Remember this poll I did on Facebook? If someone offered you money would you take it? I don’t think I ever could…  Keep reading this story to find out if I get it or not…

Actual footage of the FB poll

As I am putting things in different places, he says that it looks heaps better… Ironically I find out later by stalking the listing online of his house, that the stylist wasn’t on crack like I thought she was. In the photos the professionals took for the listing, the furniture was actually originally where I put it. But the photos were done a week before! The fucking idiot T**y had moved everything the stylist did & made it look ridiculous!! When I shifted everything back I felt like the best ever stylist but in actual fact he was the dickhead who moved everything after she styled it! OMG. What a waste of time, when he should have been cleaning or putting up the shelves or leaving it alone, he was too busy moving the stylists furniture around, no wonder he’s so far behind. What a wanker. However remember I don’t know this till about a week later.

When we get back to his house he parks my car in his driveway & we unload, putting my touches everywhere, the stylist had used white towels & white accessories in a white bathroom so my green towels & bamboo accents ones gave it a pop of colour that it needed. At least I was better than the stylist with that aspect.

Once the house is clean to my satisfaction & all the styling in put back to where it came from, I sit down with some more vodka & wait for him to come make a move, but he is fiddle farting around still moving things around, I lay down on the couch & start looking at my phone wishing I didn’t have my car here so I could catch a taxi home… Bored & horny, I slip off a layer of clothing & click to porn hub on my phone… When he hears some noises, he comes out & asks what I’m watching, I tell him porn & he says that he’s going to have a shower first… What the actual fuck?!

He is in the shower for what seems like days, I have already made myself cum twice by the time he’s gotten out of the shower… This guy is clueless… He asks me if I’m still watching & I tell him yes, we have sex on the couch – which isn’t his, but the stylists. Afterwards we sit there for a short time, he goes outside for a smoke & we have another drink. Then he walks up to the bedrooms & disappears for what seems like forever.

He’s of course has said earlier that I can stay over or I wouldn’t be here feeling like a fuckwit right now, I would have gone home, but he said I should stay so I have drunk too much to drive, but now he’s being weird… I sit around wondering what the fuck he is doing, where he is when I find him in one of the rooms doing something to some knobs on the walk in robe. I end up laying on the bed & he lays next to me. The beds are all fake so there is nowhere really to sleep & there is nothing to keep warm with, lucky it’s warm in January but the sleep I do get is broken & it’s about 3:00 am…

At 6:00 am he starts fiddle farting around again & asks where my keys are, I ask where he’s going because I don’t want him driving my car or leaving me here & he just says that he wants to move my car in case his girlfriend drives past after her shift at 7:00 am. When he comes back inside he also moves all my stuff that we didn’t use & the laundry basket we brought it all over in, including the clothes that are laying around into the room I am in, just in case she comes inside the house… Hang on – what the fuck!? Is she coming!? He says he doesn’t know but thinks she might drive past. Ok what the actual fuck. I am naked on the fake bed in the front room, what the fuck was he going to do, lock me in the master suite & hope she doesn’t come in here & find me!? This is next level fucked & I’ve been in some shitty situations before!!

I get dressed in record time & gather my stuff that isn’t on display & get out of there… It’s 6:00 am & I haven’t done the walk of shame in a very long time. I feel horrible & dirty. This is guy is wide awake at 6:00 am, bouncing off the walls. He’s off his head. I am not sure but he has to be on drugs – I’m not completely against drugs but I’m not really a fan of just taking them for the hell of it… I drive home & jump into bed, finally getting a couple of hours of rest.

So you’re all right… Well in a way! When am I going to get my stuff back? I don’t hear from him all weekend, with the house openings. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Fucking prick. I refuse to message. But on Tuesday I ask how the open inspection went, thinking only about getting my things back at this point, trying to play nice, he says that it sold for $405k & when I joke that it must’ve been my styling he says yes & asks if he can keep my stuff for another week as they have another open… Why wouldn’t they just cancel the open if it sold?! I don’t understand this, but I say ok & keep in touch with him the only way I know how without having to start the conversation. I ignore the last message at night & reply in the morning – just continuing the conversation as if it never ended. I don’t say good nights or good mornings, I just keep the conversation going with a 8 hour sleep gap! Hahaha…

So one day he messages before the second inspection & says that he’ll drop off all my stuff but in true T**y form, he says a time & then doesn’t rock up then bails saying he can’t tonight. At least he knows that he has to give my stuff back.   

When he finally brings back my stuff, including the maiden hair fern (which now struggles to survive), he brings back my towels wet saying he’s had a shower… Why is he needing to shower?! It’s the first time I think that he’s fucking more than me… But I am almost certain of it, why else would he have to have a shower before he comes over or that time he got here & had to have a shower… I mean the man does scrape his face with a spoon to get rid of the dead skin so perhaps he just likes to be clean, but I think it’s weird bringing back my towels that were supposed to be his decorations but he brings them back wet….

That night though, we chat like friends. I am either so deprived of male company or even any company that I actually really enjoy sitting & chatting with him. We have a beer or two but we don’t have sex, but I am happy to just hang out with him, outside in the heat by the stars.

Oddly like some switch, I wake up the next morning & realise that he’s forgotten a blanket of mine. I text him immediately, I mean it’s not a big deal to be honest if I don’t get back one blanket, I got everything else back including some of the stylists stuff, which I gave back to him to take to the house. He says that he’ll drop it off, which we again have this stupid thing where he says he’s going to come but he takes hours to get there. Every time I see him, I watch carefully, he looks cooked. He’s off his head on drugs, I’m sure of it. He comes over this night with someone in the car so he doesn’t stay long, however we do have a long conversation & I joke with him that he owes me $2k, not $1k. He agrees & says something about $5k since he got such a good price. There is no way I will take any money from this man. I know I did the poll & I talked to my best work friend at length about it, she was like take it for sure. I just don’t think I could. I’m a strong independent woman, I didn’t help him because I wanted his cash, I helped him because I stupidly felt sorry for him. Why do I feel sorry for these losers?!

#IBD4U

Speed Dating #4

Oh good fucking god, what am I doing this for!

Well let me tell you why… T**y is a fucking wanker, Noodle is married… I am so fucking alone & I want someone in my life, I deserve someone in my life. Don’t I? Despite some of the shit things I have done in my dating life, I am surely not the worst person in the world & I should have a partner… Right? So when I get a text from the company who I haven’t used in years, asking if I’d like to come along to a speed dating event for free with a friend, I think why the hell not. I ask a friend to come with me who I’d casually thrown the idea around with no long before this & she decides to come along too.

It’s a bit out of my (& hers) usual age bracket, men 35-53 so there will be people I am 100% not interested in – I am not into older men at all, ironically because when I was younger I was obsessed with the man being older than me, but pretty much no one besides Boyfriend has really been older than me! Hahaha. But I am sure that there will be people that I will not be attracted too in this age bracket, but there could be the one I want to date too. The diamond in the rough!  

Remember I know a couple who met at speed dating & I are still together 15+ years later, who have just had their third kid together, so I guess this is why I keep going back, you know I may just find that one spark!? All you need is one mutual spark right?!

I’m going again with a skinny, very pretty friend – who’s recently single but prefers women, who has the same niche job as me but we work for different organisations. We met at our old job a few years back & we haven’t ever really been out socially before so I am looking forward to it. I am not sure why I thought speed dating was a good idea for a girls night out, but here we are!

I feel like I look good, I am feeling super confident. The outfit has gone together well, my hair is playing nice… I am really confident – something that I am not often. My friend arrives & looks amazing – annoyingly effortlessly amazing when I have tried so hard. It bursts my confident bubble a little bit… But I intend to keep this confident stride for this evening.

Anyway we get to the venue, no one immediately catches my eye of someone I want to chat too or can’t wait to get the five minute date with. We grab a drink & head outside to scope out the competition. I reckon we’re in the top percentage out of the women, which also makes me feel confident but no man really catches my eye at all. FUCK.

As we settle in for date after date after date after fucking date, I realise that there probably isn’t anyone here for me… I have good banter with some, good chats with others, but there is no real chemistry at all. I tick a few friends but no one for relationship but you never know outside this setting it may click in place.

I had instant chemistry with Noodle online & in person, I can’t ever expect that again. I believe that is rare, so I must take that into consideration & give these guys a fair go.

As we have a break, I scoff some food & drink another wine, I have more fun talking to my friend than I do having a million mini dates with random men. But the night continues & doesn’t for me get any better!

I tick a few men as friends but walk away deflated… FUCK yet another waste of time… Well not a waste of time – I got a blog out of it… But in the interest of finding a partner, it was a waste of time… Even though I don’t really care about these men, I still wait impatiently by my emails the next day, constantly checking, even checking my junk box & waiting for the email that tells me who I actually matched with.

Waiting for the email always sucks – it’s torture… Absolute torture! It comes just before 5:00 pm & I have to say, I am so fucking shocked that there are NO matches at all… WOW… As if my self-esteem wasn’t low enough already, this is another blow. Why the fuck did I even go to this stupid event?!

I only ticked friend to 5 guys so I wasn’t expecting a lot of matches anyway, I mean the max I could get would be 5 anyway right but fucking hell, not one of the guys I ticked friend even saw me as a friend!? Not one guy?! Fuck me… I must be a complete dud!

My friend only ticked date to one guy who she matched with. Right then… I guess it’s not all bad, I did have 5 men say yes to me, she had 11 say yes to her… This is worse than I thought…. Why did I go?! OMG… I feel like shit. Only 5 out of 20 men liked me! OMG. I don’t even know what to say anymore… Perfect strangers with pixie ears are hurting my feelings now! (Disclaimer – I wrote that sentence with “pixie ears” right after I went speed dating & now almost a year later, I do not get the reference, but it made me giggle so I left it in! I’m assuming a guy had weird ears?! I don’t really know.)

I try to laugh it off with my friend as we chat about it, I make jokes, but I am actually hurt about this… Am I seriously that ugly? Or make that bad of a first impression!?

I need to go back to 2020 of no sex…

This is soul destroying!

2020 can only get better…

HOW FUCKING WRONG WAS I?!

This is the actual email… How depressing!

#IBD4U