September 2025 – Black Hole
25 September 2025 – So this has been going on a little while but I’m writing about in real time tonight… So I’ve had very weird & excruciating pain for a few weeks now. Yesterday I had an internal ultrasound to see what it is, been told it could have been appendicitis which they would have rushed me to hospital for surgery immediately. Or a cyst on my ovaries that’s burst, maybe kidney stones, maybe my adenomyosis acting up… Anyway right now I am none the wiser & they will probably say it’s nothing.
But Obsidian messages in the morning to ask how the scan went, but this fake empathy is just pissing me off now. It’s just a continuation of the conversation not genuine concern for me. You all know that I had gum surgery back in March & Obsidian took a day off spend with me & also had been rostered a day off that he spent with me, genuinely concerned about me & taking me out, bringing me flowers & my favourite ice cream. That was only my fucking gum! This is my internal organs that are fucked – something that could affect me being able to fuck him & he doesn’t genuinely show that he cares anymore, he’s got his weight bench to keep him busy now! But I came home early from work yesterday & worked from home today – he can see my location at the top of our chat every fucking time he talks to me, but did I see him? Nope. Did he call me? Nope.
He said the other day that I used to have a heart of stone & that’s true, I did. I am used to relying on myself, I am used to getting myself to appointments or having a family member drop me off & leave after surgery. I mean when I had my tummy tuck, I was in for two nights, my parents came once. My sister & brother didn’t bother. Not like I was at a hospital far away. So I am used to having a wall up, with my family too, not just men. Why ask for something you aren’t going to get from them?
But in February, Obsidian pushed & pushed for closeness with me. Like I said taking time off work to be with me when I was off but then when he left, messaging me all night too to make sure I was ok. Genuine concern. I let the walls come down bit by bit, I never needed any one, but I was enjoying the thoughtfulness & genuine care that I had wanted & craved. This time felt different with him so I let that wall come down due to his constant reassurance & constant chats, catch ups & declarations of his feelings. I should have kept my guard up, I fucking knew he would do this but I didn’t let myself believe it, like a fucking fool.
Here is a song I was listening too recently, that I have loved for a long time, it’s a EDM song called Black Hole – no explanation needed right with a title like that! I love EDM but I also found the acoustic version also to share because somehow the acoustic version hits a bit more emotionally for those who don’t like EDM. I am so powerless against Obsidian… Is there a way out?
Original version:
Acoustic version:
Black Hole – Craig Connelly & Christina Novelli
You pull me in
Here we go again
And my heart beats faster now
I don’t know
Why I’m powerless
And there’s no way out
“Don’t let go,” is all you say
Where you go, I will follow
I need to break away
Now I know, that all we are
Is never enough
‘Cause every little thing you do
It drags me deeper into you
You lead me down all the darkest roads
Diving in to the black hole
Saying we could have it all
Kept pushing ’cause you wanted me to fall
But now it’s time that you let go
Diving in to the black hole
‘Cause every little thing you do
It drags me deeper into you
You lead me down all the darkest roads
Diving in to the black hole
Saying we could have it all
Kept pushing ’cause you wanted me to fall
But now it’s time that you let go
Diving in to the black hole
Diving in to the black hole
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Tim Booth / James Patrick Glennie / Lawrence Gott / Gavin Michael Whelan
So because I am a stupid fucking idiot thinking that I would see him yesterday instead we spoke on the phone for over an hour & I thought that maybe he would see I am home on my snap maps & come over today, or he would even just call me today being that he’s texting a little – he’s also told me his wife is on holidays as of tomorrow – Friday her day off & they’re going away for the long weekend, which means because it’s Thursday now, this is her weekend off, then she’s off for a week & then it’s the long weekend, I prepare myself, because he won’t come online for the next two weeks or ten days at least. But he makes no attempt to see me or call before this radio silence that we all know is coming, because remember ‘this wasn’t supposed to be this!’
He says that it’s not good to be in pain & I tell him not to worry about it, it’s not his concern anymore he has enough to worry about with his own life than to bother with my stuff, I say. “All good, don’t bother with my bullshit, let’s just keep the convo to sex.” He just says, “ahh okay.” I know he is ready to go for the next two weeks, so I get in first to say goodbye, Mr Predictable won’t come online as its her weekend off, I can’t remember if he’s working or not, I don’t think so though but that would mean two weekends off in retail in a row, which I find hard to believe but I don’t care anymore… I say “Enjoy the school holidays & your mini holiday! Chat again soon!” He replies, “Chat soon x Im working next week.” Is he fucking kidding me? So at least I definitely know he won’t be on all weekend! Thanks Obsidian for telling me that in advance! Fucking wanker, get on your stupid weights bench, hope it fucks you like I do… Oh no, he has his skinny wife for that now!
Let’s go through the excuses of reasons not to chat to me & find a time when Obsidian will message next week…
- At work: He barely chats to me at work now because he says it’s so busy – being that the other store closed in March, & when that excuse wore thin, he said they were cutting hours, but really it is LMA he prefers to chat too.
- At Lunch: Even though he told me that calling me was the highlight of his day, he doesn’t call me at lunch anymore, because I bitch at him about his disrespect. I mean he barely texts, why would I expect a call?
- Before work: He’s now got a workout bench to use in the mornings when he’s claimed he’s such a ‘zombie these days’ watching YouTube, getting up two hours before work but yet apparently running late everyday, & as he said – lest we forget – ‘now he isn’t chatting to me in the mornings, he has time for working out’ so he’s not going to message me before work either.
- At night: He can’t come back online at night because he’s so tired & in bed before 9:00pm, except for when I check his stupid Facebook page & he is up, fucking posting on it – but later claiming it’s another admin doing it despite reeking of Obsidian tone, whatever, I’ve stopped looking at it, it’s not good for my mental health.
- With her: He can’t message at all around his wife, if they are both at home, despite when he said he was messaging me while she was next to him in bed or when he was using some other device to message me while pretending to play a game or do his grocery shopping, next to her or even when he used the snapchat web version to chat via his computer.
- At home: He has so many things to do, which he was previously doing, for the last eight years, such as cooking dinner, moving lawns, washing clothes, cleaning the house – nothing new & all things he was doing, but now, this is a reason why he is so busy, we must not forget that it’s making him busy… Don’t forget the painting that he’s been doing the whole time too as I had a picture from March with paint on his fingers…
- After work: Last but not least – he’s an influencer now, using AI to write his posts & posting about four per day so that takes up so much of his time. How could he possible log on to snapchat on his computer like he did & send a message while AI is drafting his post?!
So when does he think he’s going to message me during the next two weeks? He’s made every time of day & every activity an excuse not to message me – he is so busy, so when is he planning on messaging me? To be honest, I fucking judge myself so much for not seeing that he just doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore. He’s made it perfectly clear over & over again, why am I so fucking dumb & keep begging him for a moment of his time, over YouTube or fucking working out.
I turn off my location again – Obsidian hasn’t had his on for me for months, even though it was only ever at his house or his work, sometimes my house, which I loved (that should have been a tell tale sign when he completely turned his off for me!) but I don’t want him to know I am working from home anymore because I get sad – yes because he broke down the walls, I now get sad – when he doesn’t come over. There was a time not so long ago (because this has only been eight months total) where he told me off for not telling him I was working from home because he ‘wanted to see me as much as possible’ now, he doesn’t even want to text to me once a day, let alone see me.
I can’t help it but I start to think of all the things he’s said to me, so now I don’t even want him at my house anymore, he complains about my dogs & their hair – yes, their hair fucks me off & I am so conscious of it, I don’t need him reminding me about it when he hasn’t even been here for a fucking month, I don’t even want them around him, he doesn’t even like them & makes that perfectly obvious, by not patting them at all when that’s all they want from him… I don’t need that energy around them. I don’t want him seeing the caravan & calling me a loser or telling me how old it is or making some other remark about how it needs work done to make me feel like shit over something I am proud of & excited about. I don’t want to talk about my job or health anymore, I don’t want him knowing how stupid my job is, how much pain I am in… It’s not his problem. I don’t want him bitching about having to drive outside his 5km radius & the petrol or the time that it takes him to see me. I never asked him to start this; I never asked him to put in this effort – he even said a few months back when I said that to him that this was entirely his idea… So why the fuck does he make me feel bad about the drive or dog hair… I just don’t have the energy for it anymore. I don’t want him knowing anything personal about me anymore, we will have frivolous conversations & sex. That’s it. If that.
I have the caravan, I have my hobby lash business, I have my diploma to work towards, I have my health & weight loss to deal with also, I don’t have the bandwidth for sporadic messaging me with someone who shattered my heart multiple times, using me to fill a void in his own life & doesn’t not give a fuck that he did it, just blaming me in his usual narcissistic ways for pushing him away. Whatever you need to tell yourself Obsidian.
He’s broken my heart worse than he ever has before, when he chose her the first time, I understood because he has eveything with her, she was the easier choice. But this time, this just makes him a fucking asshole – there was no reason to destroy me & our friendship. But what’s worse is, I can’t for some fucked up reason end it with him so this way, he’ll return to even more like he was before & the little feelings I have left will disappear & the monthly catch ups will be adequate. If they even happen…?
26 September 2025 – Of course he doesn’t come back online the next day, a Friday & I am almost 100% certain he has asked for Fridays off & her weekends off – or she has made him ask for that time off, because he seems to get them all off, for someone that apparently is working ‘so much!’ He also doesn’t come back online over the weekend – for someone that is having the following weekend off as it’s a long weekend, I find it hard to believe that working in retail, he has been given the Friday & the weekend off before taking a long weekend off – but whatever. What pisses me off about him not being online for three days, is that I have hidden my location so he can’t see if I’ve been online because I plan on just having some time away from him, but snapchat is the only social media I use, so I don’t want to go without it completely, so I decide, that I am not going to message, but of course Obsidian doesn’t even come online for me to ignore him anyway! This isn’t a game to see what he’ll do. I know what he’ll do, he’ll just give up on me completely & back off – I’m not into playing games, I know his moves like the back of my hand. He’s the most predictable man on the planet. & for the first time I am okay with the fact, knowing he won’t keep trying to have me in his life like I have done over the years, that this will probably be the actual end…
Fuck, now I just need my keys back, but I’ll have to wait two weeks, with the final petals dangling precariously from the stem…
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 