Month: Aug 2021

So who hates me for leaving it a week to find out if I go inside his house or not?

It’s an odd feeling being here, his house looks exactly the same but oddly different. I sit in the car, having moved it twice, parking a little down the road – I have a different work car so no one would know what I drive around here anymore. I swore to myself I would never be here again. Yet here I am, heart pounding. Legs shaking. Getting more & more turned on.

Let me ask you this, have you ever had a piece of cake in front of you, or chips or chocolate, whatever your vice is & you’re holding it in your hand, knowing you shouldn’t eat it, knowing you will feel crappy for having that second piece of cake but also knowing how good it tastes. So regardless of all the reasons you shouldn’t eat it, you find your hand is moving mindlessly to your mouth to take a bite of that second slice…

Well, this is how I feel right now as I take a step after step down his driveway, my shoes crunching aganist the rocky driveway, my heart pounding, feeling myself getting more & more turned on as I walk up the step to his front door, which is covered in painting tape that looks like its been there a while & the painting is done to an amateur level…

I knock & it’s not long before he answers the door… His face is fatter, his body is fatter, he’s wearing daggy clothes but I notice his wedding ring straight away, it’s shiny & gold, not exactly what I would expect him to wear… His house is the same, not a tidy house as you know but a lived in house. There is always a clothes rack in the front door way, that hasn’t moved since I was here last – 6 months ago & it’s always covered in clean clothes. I can’t help but notice her clothes on it. I’ve never really seen her in person or photos but her clothing style tells me a lot… You can tell she’s a mum that goes for comfort. Her shoes around the house depict the same thing too, she’s a comfort girl. I get it she’s working full time while her new husband works part time, I’m sure there are still the other household duties she takes care of to but I remember he was the one who cooked & cleaned the most, from what he told me. I don’t know what reality is but she was always asleep so I can only take what he’s told me at face value.

He says as I walk in the door something about not being able to keep away, we’re kissing before I answer & while there is nothing that feels right about being here, this feeling, his hands on me, kissing him is right, it fits. The passion I have for this man is ridiculous… While I can tell he loves me from the look on his face, he won’t say it. I know this. I definitely won’t say it but I feel it… It’s not as strong as it once was, we’ve both hurt each other, perhaps even beyond repair at this point, but the passion & desire for each other has not diminished in any way! We kiss with passion, stripping each other in seconds, I push him on to the couch in his little gaming area that he takes me too, I show him my sexy white lingerie set that I am wearing & I see the look, the look that is like a drug to me, his eyes pop out of his head, he grabs my waist – something I know he loves about my body, how small my waist it & he likes to feel it…

Then the other drug, the sound we both make as he enters me, a little moan from me & a manly sound from him in unison, How can this feel so good… Why has no one else ever felt like this inside me before, why has no one else ever made me feel this way? I know for men & me too with some men, sex can just be sex no connection – but there is feeling here, we connect & the intimacy, while it’s not there verbally, this is about as intimate as you can get with someone…

This time I get to call the shots about how long the interactions last, as much as I want to stay & I want to cuddle him, I want to feel his hands run all over my skin, I want to kiss him till he’s hard again & fucking me for a third time, but I get up & get dressed… I need to keep the distance. I’ve done it before, I can do it again… As I do he’s is babbling to me saying that I can’t get too attached to him… This pisses me off & I say ‘don’t worry I won’t, I don’t care…’ This reply must piss him off because he keeps saying ‘don’t get too close to me’ & then asking why I don’t care… I am trying to act like I don’t care & to be honest, the more he says I can’t get attached to him, the more in the moment that I hate him…

I am not stupid, he married this women less than 6 months ago, her wedding flowers are sitting in a jar at the front door, dusty & drying, they don’t look like a nice wedding bouquet, it looks like a dead bunch of dusty flowers, so I am well aware of the situation I am in… I expected to see prints of them around the house too, but there are now. But the marriage or wedding day is very apparent in this situation… I’ll call it a situation because relationship doesn’t seem like the right word this time…

His warnings have me leaving his house with just a quick kiss goodbye, he says ‘see ya round’ & I shut the door, walking to the car with just fucked hair & a rosey face, anyone that saw me would know what we just did… I refuse to message him first after this… He was clear, that I shouldn’t get attached. I know he wasn’t going to leave her before they got married, now he’s tied to her by a legal document, that he is not going to walk away from her this time either… I am well aware of that & while my love life hasn’t been going so well, I am also aware of what is out there… At least with this interaction with Marvel, I know what I am getting… Great, amazing sex which guarantees me multiple orgasms, I don’t have any of the drama, the worry about where he is, what he’s doing, what he’s spending money on…. It’s just sex… Isn’t it?

Since he was clear not to get too attached to him, when not too long later the infamous beep of the app goes off & it’s him… “See I told you I got fat” Fuck it makes me smile that he caved first & messaged me… This means a few things to me, that he is sitting there thinking about me since I just left him – I mean how could he not, with super hot sex we just had… But with his comments over & over about not getting attached & him messaging me first, I feel like I am not the only stupid idiot in this situation – I realise that he is saying don’t get too attached to me but it’s as much to himself as he is to me…

#IBD4U

There’s a time in everyone’s life when they have an unrealistic, unhealthy crush (probably better defined as a obsession) with a celebrity. The varying degrees of this obsession will be dependant on the crazy of the person.

I consider myself to be fairly sane. I have obviously had crazy moments, I am not perfect, however for the most part I am sane. I’ve had celebrity crushes before where you google the actor to find out how old they are, where they were born etc. Nothing to exciting. But I think I can safely say that everyone reading this has googled a celebrity in the pursuit of further information at some point in their life.

I don’t know about you but I often switch between paying for Netflix or Stan – never both. At the moment I am watching crap on Stan. When I stumble across an older Australian TV shows, that aired for only 3 seasons between 2013 & 2015. It’s basically Home & Away for adults, set in Sydney. I have to say I never watched it when it was on the TV but I binged watched it a few years ago, enjoying the show & never thinking much of it. However one character always caught my eye.

Re-watching again recently for background noise as I go through life, I realise that there is a character who looks exactly like Doppelganger & you know who he looks like!? Yep, you guessed it. FUCK. It sucks me in… Sucks me in harder than I expect.

His character is goofy, funny, the sidekick with the funny one liners. The type of guy who’s always smiling & cracking jokes. The type of guy I always wish I was with & now he looks like the guy I wish I was with… I know he’s acting, but this type of show is where the actor isn’t really acting, they are basically playing themselves with a script…

He looks like what I want, he acts like what I want, he’s a perfect guy, so I know that if he just met me, he would like me! This could be my happily ever after – if we believe in that shit.

A lot of the characters in the show haven’t really done anything exceptional since the end of the show in 2015 & most weren’t that famous before the start of this show, so he piques my interest, how old is he, what has he done since the show, where does he live? You know the normal sort of questions you may have about a celebrity… So as I type in the title of the TV show into Google, the actors name pops up. I’ll have to preface this by saying I’d never heard of him – I needed to Google the show to find him. (Also because I didn’t know his characters surname)

So while on pursuit of further information about this guy, google tells me that he’s my sisters age, so almost 2 years older than me, that he has been in a few more Australian TV shows including some more recent shows. That I start looking them up to see how big of a role he had in them.

You know it becomes unhealthy when you start looking at their personal Instagram, seeing a wedding ring in some pictures then more recently it disappears… Needing to know, you google further. They divorced recently & theres a news article about them selling their house. She’s in the show business too. But what’s most disturbing is when you see some posts of him being in South Australia on a road trip you & find yourself commenting. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

This fucking comment is probably one of the most crazy thing I have ever done. But I think the worst part is though when I start dreaming up this scenario that he is going to like my comment & then slide into my DM’s.

Of course when he slides into my DM’s he’ll have looked at my tragic Instagram & know that I am not like the rest of his crazy fans, he’ll see that I am a normal girl & really cool. We’ll chat & next time he visits SA – which my google stalking tells me that he is often in Adelaide pre covid for the cabaret festival – he’ll want to catch up with me for a drink.

My google stalking takes me down a rabbit hole of finding out that he’s an amazing singer, which I watch every fucking YouTube clip of interviews & singing clips on all the morning shows. Seriously… This is next level stalking…

I still think about this guy – a lot- an unhealthy amount thinking of how I will check out the cabaret festival whenever it’s on next to see a show he’s in, maybe hang out around the venue like a weirdo for a autograph (something I have not really ever done!) But I really think we could have something if only he’d reply to my comment…

Has anyone else ever done the same?

#IBD4U

If you missed my announcement or misunderstood it – thinking I was ending it on Friday 13^th, then you’re mistaken & you’re not rid if me that easily… I am ending my blog – that is for sure, the weekly posts at least. However, I am not going to leave you hanging. You will get some sort of closure as to what happens! I will tie up loose ends but because I am not dead, you will still probably have questions etc as my life does continue after 40, however I don’t think I can write about it anymore.

When I’m chatting with Marvel, we’re fighting about how he doesn’t trust me. Is he actually serious? I have done nothing to make him not trust me but he says that he thinks I did the Facebook post on purpose & unblocked his wife, which he apparently paid for. He says that it was seemed from his point of view that it was very intentional & that he’s scared to talk to me again. His wife obviously saw it & went on & on about it – he tells me gain that he paid for it…. Not my fucking problem if someone is stalking my Facebook. Why would she stay after thinking he’s cheated again? Why would he say if he was paying for her stalking? Why am I still wanting to chat to him if he’s such a fucking asshole?!

I snap at him that I have been thrown under the bus every chance he got to save himself & I protected him against everyone, even against my readers. Like some sort of wanker & yet I’m the one that’s not trustworthy! Whatever… How fucking dare he. Even if I did post on my Facebook hoping she’d stalk me, which to be honest, I hoped she did, however, I haven’t done anything to jeopardise his trust in me!

But later when we’re chatting & over that topic, I’m begging for a picture from him, not of his dick but of him because he says he’s put on weight, a lot of weight & I wonder if he’s as big as he was in pictures he showed me before he got really skinny the first affair. He sends a picture & my heart skips a beat, my cilt tingles… This picture. He’s standing in his bathroom mirror                              his phone around his chin, his hand, his left hand is on his chest. He’s wearing jeans & a t shirt. The mirror is dirty, there is stuff all around the bathroom bench & all I notice is his left hand, on his chest, right for me to see. His gold wedding band. Nothing hurts me more. I mention it & he says that he didn’t do it on purpose, but I call bullshit. I tell him that there was a time when I thought it would be my ring on his finger. My ring on his finger. I say it again because this ring on his finger now represents nothing. It is a symbol of lies & deceit. It means nothing to him. The one man that I finally thought it would mean something for me & now seeing it on his finger, I think that it is just a fucking joke. No marriage I’ve seen has been worth it. But I thought he was worth it. I think that hurts the most, is that I saw potential with this man. Those dreams are shattered now, that dream is just a childhood fantasy – that marriage is the perfect relationship. Marriage is nothing. It means nothing. I have spoken with enough married men online to know this, but I always believed that when I met the one I wanted to marry, it would be different. How stupid was I?

I think what hurts me the most is that I really wanted to get married. My whole life I have thought about getting married, what the wedding would be like & what type of partner I would be. As you know I took till I was 36 to fall in love for the first time, to fall deeply & madly in love with someone but to have it shattered, I still felt like I could find it again, I felt like I would still get married as that meant something to me. But finding out Marvel got married, shortly after confessing how much he loved me. That dream shattered. That dream is gone.

After this revelation of my own, I realise I don’t care now what happens, but all I want is to fuck this guy. Right or wrong, I want it. He wants it. I have no conscious about it anymore. Marriage means nothing so I don’t give a fuck. I do everything I can to turn him on, pictures, videos, scenarios, I do it daily, constantly every message is now about sex with him, what we used to do, what we could do, how hot it would be, how hot is always was… It does the trick, Marvel asks if I am free on Sunday morning. I tell him that I am free & then he takes it back. Is he playing a game with me too? I wouldn’t out it past him that he is. He even controls my orgasm, which I have sent videos teasing myself where he says that I am not allowed to cum. It turns him on more, knowing that I will obey him. He says though so many times that we shouldn’t be fucking & that we said would wouldn’t even though there is so much tension with him… But I know we will & I know we both want it… It’s just a matter of time really…

When he says come fuck me then. I obviously can’t as I am working but I pretend that I am on my way to his house & that I am at his door. He asks if I am legit, which I am not but I play with him so he freaks out a little. But he’s told me that he’s home alone today & tomorrow. No kids. No wife. He told me with intent. Today I was working & had put a treatment in my hair so I was never going to come over but tomorrow I am working from home still, I will have time at lunch. I can definitely go visit him. He wouldn’t have told me that there were no kids, no wife & home alone, assuming he’s not working… This is a deliberate act, a deliberate conversation to get me to beg him. I am usually stubborn but at this point in my life I am not above begging him.  Even if just to see what his vows mean to him – the fact that he’s been chatting to me for almost a month, every single day isn’t against his vows to her. But seeing me, fucking me, looking at me with love in his eyes is all cheating! I tell him that I can separate sex & my feelings. I am not 100% sure of that truth, but I know I need to see him.

“You free today?” The magic words, the words I was waiting for, the words I have been dying to see on my chat. I have basically begged him to see me so I assume that it doesn’t matter now how desperate I sound. I figure I need to be in & out. I tell him I don’t have long as I’ll just be on lunch, I ask him what I should wear & he says that there are a  lot of people home at the moment, due to working from home so I tell him that I will take “Marvel’s Mistress” sign off my car before I get there! He says good girl & shortly after I am on my way to his house, reversing my car out of the driveway, I cannot believe I am doing this. I could turn around & call it off. I swore to myself that I would never go to his house ever again… But here I am, shaking like a leaf out the front of his house… FUCK. Should I go in? I don’t know if my legs will carry me…

#IBD4U

There’s a lot of chit chat with him, it’s not like before. I don’t think it will ever be like before, as much as I want it to be. I am not going to get into much details as I have in the past however we talk daily again. We don’t write back as instant as we use to do, I don’t care if I see him chatting in a group & not to me. It bothers me, but I don’t let it work me up like it would have in the past. I am obviously jealous but I have turned back into the stoned hearted woman that I was before I fell in love. (BN – Before Noodle.)

There are some topics with him that intrigue me & I want to share but just know there is a lot missing from this story – but you will get the jist. He tells me that I have turned him on so much he’s going to jerk in the shower, but then says “Was super horny, about to jerk off, then she woke up lol. Had to hide the hard on.” I haven’t be in a relationship for a long time, nor have I had to factor kids, but there would never be a time where my partner had to hid his hard on from me!

I guess the main topic is sex. He keeps saying we can’t fuck again, we’re not allowed too. I remind him that we’ve never been allowed too… He has always been with someone, since when I met him, so this somehow spurs me on. Something switches in me. I do not want to be the other woman ever again, I especially don’t want to be the other woman with him again. However I can’t help myself, I need to see him, I need to see that look in his eyes & I need to know that he still loves me. As soon as I am with him, I will know. I will see.

He’s already think about it, he wants it. I even said I bet that he’s sussed some places at his new work & he tells me to Shhhh. Which means that he has thought about how & where he will be able to fuck me. I know some men think with their cock, I know that he is a liar, but there are somethings people can’t fake. I know he’s not stupid enough to risk it all again, to have an affair for just good sex. But I also know he won’t tell me that he loves him this time around. I will never say it to him, until he says it…

I confide in him about the whole T**y story, I am not sure why but I go into detail about how she called me etc. I think I wanted him to know that I wouldn’t have engaged in a conversation with his wife, just as I tried not to tell T**y’s girlfriend anything in detail. I confirmed the affair, but I didn’t go into detail with her. That was enough. The detail is his responsibility to tell her, not me. I know that if my partner cheated, I wouldn’t want to hear the details from her or her friends on a chat app. I know he would lie to me about it so I would have to decide if I could live with the lies or not. But I wouldn’t rely on the other woman to provide me with details. She is not the one committed to me. She is not the one who has done wrong by me. So I guess I want Marvel to know the story, know what I did.

I feel like we talk but we don’t ever really say anything. He talks a little about his work, I talk about mine. I discuss with him about how bad things are at work. How hard it’s been for me working from home. I know it’s hard for everyone in different ways – of course, I am not pretending I’m the only one with issues during lockdowns but it’s been hard living alone & working alone with a boss calling & setting unrealistic expectations. I talked to a colleague about it to discuss in our team meeting who didn’t back me up. I am more stressed than ever, so you would think talking to Marvel would make things worse but to be honest, this is the most calming this to happen to me. I have my best friend back…

We talk about my fantasies & I remind him that my number one is still spending the entire night with him, I know he wants to write back that it’s his too but he says you can’t hold your farts all night. It makes me laugh, he says that I never farted in front of him so I wouldn’t be able to hold it in. OMG. We’ve known each other almost 4 years now & I’ve never farted in front of him? He’s never farted in front of me either… Is this this his benchmark of an intimate relationship? Once you fart in front of each other, you’re a couple? Hahaha…

I ask him in a manner that doesn’t arouse suspicion from him & just a quick remark saying that he would’ve fucked other people if he could have back when we were having our first affair & I casually add that he probably did. His reply doesn’t surprise me. I know the answer without him having to tell me. “You’re the only one.”

Just over 3 weeks of talking daily, most of the day – like I said not like before but we chat a lot & Marvel is telling me how much he wants to fuck me, we’ve been teasing each other with picture after picture. It always surprises me when he get horny too & sends me pictures or tells me what he would do to me. We usually use a scenario we have done before of course because we can both picture it. It’s fucking hot & I want him. He wants me. Should we fight or it or just give in? When he says we’re not meant to be fucking, I tell him that fucking in the ass or blowjobs are sometimes not considered cheating… I laugh at my own joke, knowing that it is cheating but I fucking want to see if this man is so weak for me that he will see me again… I know he is…

Is this a good idea, is this what I want? Can I remain a cold hearted bitch with no feelings for this guy & just have amazing hot sex? It’s been too long since I was fucked well… I’m torn, I want it but I also don’t know if I can… That fucking addiction of a drug!

I’m already addicted to messaging him, talk about my health, my weight, his weight, his new job, my job, my new hobby & of course sex. This can’t go on like it has & I am not ready for it to end yet. No matter how stupid this is, I am not ready for it to be over.

#IBD4U

So I struggled to write last week, I think I will struggle to get this story out – but you need to hear it… I apologise for the lack of post last week… As I said before this story never gets easier. I am definitely not going to go into as much detail as I have in the past with this him…

Listen to this song while you read!

Now- onto the post, we all know that I am drawn to him like a fucking moth to a flame. I have told you before, he is a drug. I am an addict.

One last hit & then I promise I am done…

Does anyone even believe that?

I admit to him that I have missed talking to him & he tells me that my sister will kill me for chatting to him again – which she probably would but I figure that talking to him is better than not talking to him… If I can have my friend back, I am willing to put my feelings aside & have him in my life, can he do the same? Well in true Marvel style, he avoids the topic. I cheekily send some pics & remind him of how wet I get around him because he refuses to answer. But I have to know… Can we be friends? Does he want that? Does he want to keep talking to me? “Fine we can be friends” this relieves me. I know things will never be the same with him, I mean how many chances do you get with the same guy?

But like he says within 24 hours, I am sending him a video of a vibe inside me – we’ve been arguing about being friends & I am so turned on, that I have walked in the door & to my bedroom, when he says that I can’t cum… As if he still has control over my orgasms, but like the good little girl I am for him, I wait until he allows me… Videoing it & sending him the video which he replies “We can’t fuck but fuck the tension is going to be bad” Could I have no strings sex with him again? I haven’t have a decent fuck since he fucked me last time.

His new thing to say to me about everything though is “No Comment” or “you wish”. While he used to say that to me a lot in the past, he would always back it up with some thing about hot that was or something else he wants to do to me, but now he just says no comment & doesn’t add anything to it.

He says goodbye & that he won’t be on for a few days but sure enough, he’s on every day, even if for a short time… I am not pining for him to come back online, I don’t wait by my phone, while I write back sometimes quicker that I care to admit, I don’t always dash to write back or have that feeling when I’m at work when I can’t reply straight away…

But now I can’t help myself now – I am playing a game with myself, how long will we chat before he’s asking me to fuck him this time? It’s a fucking risky game because I am so sure in my head that I am going to say no if he asks but also how the fuck will I say no?! My vagina & heart are never in sync, my head has no idea what it’s doing… This is a stupid game but I want to play…

I send picture after picture & tell him sexy scenarios – anytime I try to keep the convo friendly he reads my message & doesn’t reply, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used too… I am not as stubborn as I was with him. I see where that got me in the past, no where… While I still know that this isn’t our time & to be perfectly honest, I think our time has past & our relationship won’t ever be the same, but I am desperate to see if the chemistry is still there, if I still love him when I see him – the more & more we talk, the more & more I am sure that we will see each other again… For lunch again or perhaps we’ll have sex… But I know that he is able to physically pull me in. I resisted him emotionally the first time, the second time I was a goner & this time I can put my guard up. It could just be physical. I am not sure I could do that & I am not sure that he will want to see me, but the electricity between us is crackling again via messages… How long can we resist? Will he just disappear?!

This is right in the beginning of the pandemic we call covid 19. Around this time I get the calls from T**y’s girlfriend, I have to shut my little hobby business & we start working from home in my full time job. A fucking pandemic…. He & his wife are essential retail workers so they are business as usual… I am working from home with a neurotic boss calling me every minute to find out what I am doing, that I get no work done.

I never told a lot of people that I was talking again to Marvel, so this is probably news to some of my friends but one of the things that got me through this time, was chatting to Marvel. I was lucky enough to become very close with a friend who I’ve know for so many years, our brothers are actually friends & so we’ve always known each other & lived close. We’d both been going to the same gym & then covid hit, she wasn’t working & I didn’t have an hour commute to work so we were able to go for a walk/jog every day. It was a god send. Being cooped up at home with only your boss calling you wasn’t easy – I’m not saying the working from home, lock down stuff was easy for anyone but yeah it wasn’t easy for me being alone. Having Marvel back in my life literally made things easier. I was able to just forget about all the drama at work, drama with what was happening in the world & just be in my sex talk bubble with Marvel.

When we talk about the second affair & I say that it was 2 months – which it was closer to 3 but I cut it back a bit, he says that it was only 2 weeks… Is he fucking joking? We chatted for 3 months & fucked for 2, he says that we chatted for 2 months & fucked for 2 weeks…

I know for a fact it was more than 2 weeks, I have it all written down in case she does come after me, because lets be honest, if she knew, I’d be dead but nothing fucks me off more now that he thinks we only had an affair for 2 weeks… This may be the way he justifies it in his head. But I remind him of the fact that I saw him at the royal show & we fucked a 2 months later right up until he got married, so that was not only 2 weeks. He finally agrees that it was 4 weeks, but it was 6 however I let it go when he says “Thanks for unblocking my wife & putting up that post BTW” FUCK OFF. Firstly I reply that all my posts are private, I didn’t unblock her & he should fucking tell her to stop stalking me. He tells me to back off from him & not do anything, why don’t I ever get the same courtesy. I tell him that she is blocked & so is he… so I don’t know what he’s talking about. Also my posts are private. So whatever dude. I am fucking over being blamed for ruining his relationship, I am the single one, I am allowed to be online. I am not committed to someone else, lying to them… He says that he’s blocked me on her phone when he got sick of hearing about me. He says that he even got someone else from the chat app (A friend he was close too who I chatted too a bit about him the first time) to look at the post on FB to see if she could see it. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

So we argue about this for a while, but it took me a while but I think I figured out what here. I shared a song from Spotify so I assume when I did that, it made the post public. He suggests that when she changed her surname on FB that it unblocked me. I have no idea, but I know that I didn’t do anything on purpose. Sure I wrote a post & used a song from his favourite band, if she’s stalking my FB page then that’s not my problem! My Facebook is private & I can share whatever the fuck I like on there!!

He tells me that this is why he was reluctant to be friends with me, he said that he felt that I had done it on purpose. As far as I knew, she had stalked my FB page but I had her & him blocked… If she saw something I put on my private FB page, that’s on them. I can’t believe that he’s allowed to show his partner when I live, give out my FB to someone on the chat app to look  up & I’m not allowed to post what I want on my private page. Fucking hell he’s asshole. I am so fucking angry right now that I say that I wish I was nuts. I wish I could get in my car & got to her work, show her that he’s messaging me. When I tell him that I could go nuts, he says please don’t & that I am scaring him. GOOD! But why does this turn me on having a massive fight with him? There is something wrong with me…

#IBD4U