Tag: Women

OMG, I am so sorry I didn’t get this written for Friday. I am not working at the moment, so I am losing track of days! I honestly don’t know what day of the week it is half the time! I will explain all one day but right now just know, I am trying as hard as I can to write my story because I love writing & I won’t have that taken away from me too! I know you’re all invested but there are so many other stupid things going on in my life (non-dating related) that just suck at the moment, but I will keep the stories coming!!

I love your comments on FB. I 100% agree with you all, but I am in it, I am in love with this man, I was always defend & justify his behaviour. Regardless of if it’s right or wrong, nice or nasty, if you hate him or not, I will always defend him & justify our actions because I know him so well, I know why he does what he does, it’s shit towards me most of the time. But this is also what I am willing to do to have this man in my life.

The next morning, he hadn’t come back online at night & I feel like shit, all I want to do is talk to my best friend, he doesn’t realise the things he says sometimes, especially about his partner & how she looks & what little she does to weight the same as me. I know muscle weighs more than fat, I know I work out, I know we’re different. But even J-Lo’s partner had gastric surgery at 90 kgs & is smaller than me… I wish when I was over 100 kgs that I had surgery, they wouldn’t have to fucking work so hard now to stay the fucking same while everyone else around me gets smaller than me! FUCK.

Anyway the next morning he starts talking about supplements again & I tell him that I don’t want to talk about this again, I felt shit & wanted to talk to him & he didn’t come back online. He says that we can’t always talk all day & I get that & I don’t expect that either, I know what I have signed up for here with him. I don’t expect to chat all day, I am thankful for the time I get with him sometimes, but I do wish things were different, that I could have him all to myself – but then I also wonder if things would be this hot for us?! “You usually always such a positive person and not usually so down on yourself and confident. Sucks seeing you like this”  I have recently taken a few hits to my confidence at work so that then snowballs to my body & eating habits. I know why I am feeling so shit about how his partner & even J-Lo’s partner is & it’s not really the women that’s the problem, it’s that I have been whittled down at work to have no confidence that when someone says something to me, I am automatically negative about myself.

He’s not online for a long time today either being it’s Sunday, he goes off line & I tell him that I am going for a jog when he says “Fuck how much exercise do you do?” At the time I was doing something about 5 times week, I was fit which I guess why the comments pissed me off so much. He tells me that he’s a cunt & brutally honest but he doesn’t realise how the things he says affect me sometimes. Well at least he is aware of that! He says “Don’t miss me too much” & of course I am sad, but at least I get up & do things when he’s not online “Sorry for wanting more than 20 mins on your time in a day!”  I don’t want to be sad or upset about it “Your so cute”  I tell him to fuck off that I am not cute. “Chat again soon honey buns. Love you. Miss chatting to you bestie”  FUCK! I’m smiling like a wanker as I get up & go for my jog!

He comes back online quickly at night but since he’s been up since 4:00 am with his daughter, he’s tired but he tells me that he’s signed up for the other chat app tonight, which I’m surprised about but kind of glad that we will have something to chat on if this chat app actually does shut down – which I doubt it will (& it doesn’t!). I tell him that I missed him this weekend & he says that I shouldn’t miss him but we can’t chat like we used too (again), but he does add that he missed me too which makes me smile & I snuggle down to sleep being I am back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off!

I wake up to nothing from him, which I know why he didn’t message me, so remember the agreement we made when we first met to take it in turns, the agreement that lead up to fall in love with each other. A quick run down for new readers, but we both told each other when we first started chatting that we won’t initiate the conversation the second or third day because it shows us that the other person want so talk to us. So I know that he’s also trying to pull back from me, knowing we’re getting too close. Of course this mentality of his pisses me off!

I say good morning as I get ready for work, I feel sick & my stomach is churning. I have turned my work phone back on & the emails from my boss have made me feel sick. When Silverlining says he called in sick to take his daughter to get some needles I reply “I wish I called in sick. I feel like crap. My tummy is not happy today.” I tell him that I just got to work & feel like I am going to vomit. I explain to him that I got an email telling me what I need to do this week & even where I have to sit, I’m not allowed to sit at my own desk. He says “Wow does someone high up really hate you or something”  Yeah I have no idea, I really don’t know what is happening at work to be really honest with you “You used to love your job so much!” Yeah I did love it, you all know that, I talk about it a lot. I do as I’m directed but my stomach doesn’t settle the entire day, Silverlining tells me it’s stress. I don’t know what is happening to me, but I have a whole bunch of symptoms – later diagnosed with anxiety with panic attacks, but at the time I had no idea what was happening to me. I love having Silverlining in my life to help keep me calm when things are this shit!

We get on the topic of the new chat app because I don’t want to keep bring down the limited time I have chatting to him, talking about how shit my work is at the moment. Plus the man has just been made redundant too, so at least I have a job! He says that he didn’t download the app but uses the app on the website so he doesn’t get caught. We add each other on the new app but continue on this app. I see on the new app though that he already has 2 other friends… With everything happening at work this makes me jealous & he calls me out on it. He says that its cute I wanted to be his first – well of course I did… “So adorable” He tells me that I’m the first person he added manually “I added you, you fuckwit!”  I am semi joking with him but he senses that I am not joking when I tell him he can chat to whoever he wants “I hate seeing you all down hey”  As if he can tell over text that much! Fuck we really do know each other so well! I say that I’m ok & use his usual like “I’ll live” & his reply surprises me too “Your just barely ok” Yeah I guess that’s what happens when your work shuns you to a room to do a task that we employ other people for that get paid a fuck ton less than me. But whatever, just do as your directed & get through it. You have your career goals & there’s a merge happening, I just need to get through this period & things will be ok, I hope…

He mentions something about micromanaging my clit & I much prefer this topic, this calms my tummy & makes me feel better to have him make me smile. I tell him that I don’t want to spend the little time we get chatting, talking about how crap my work is. “It’s clearly a frustration you have. And I do care about you. So feel free. You can chat about anything and I will listen. So bitch about your stupid work. Please”  I love him some much in that moment! I tell him that I love the work but not how things are at the moment & he talks about how he’s freaking out about getting a new job himself. I don’t want  a new job, I do want to side step to follow my career goals but I have no desire to leave this workplace. I just have to stick it out & hope things get better.

We talk about the anon app & how much we tried to avoid each other, I say that worked well, didn’t it. I say that it hurt me when he posted stuff especially when he & his partner tried to be open, he upset me with a lot of posts he posted. “You’re a twat. I had a void to fill you know too right”  I guess I never thought about it like that, I mean he chose to stay with her when push came to shove so I just always assumed he moved on from me pretty quickly, shoving me out of his mind… I never thought that he might be hurting too. He says that he strung a lot of women along, thinking they could fuck him but he was never going too, so I ask why he fucked me “I knew you would be worth it. Knew you would be a good fuck. I couldn’t resist. Even tho I had no interest in most of your kinks. I liked your cheeky personality” He says he’s not kinky, but the guy fucked me at a train station at dusk bent over a car with my hands cable tied behind my back… I’m pretty sure that’s not a regular occurrence for regular couples. I know it was a first for both of us, so he’s definitely kinky! He says that he’d love to tie me cable ties & fuck every hole all day. I just reply “Sorry I’m not kinky…!” He admits he’s a little kinky & wants to have his way with me all day, fuck I want that too… he even suggest hitting me & then forcing me to suck his cock.. He says that he doesn’t like spanking with toys, prefers his hand & only a few hits, not for ages… He reminds me that he bent me over his lap while I wore the white dress & I remember when I saw that in the Fifty shades movie that it would be weird, but it was fucking hot. He also did it in the car once. I fucking loved it!

I try to explain to Silverlining why I went to events & got involved more with kink & ask if he even understands why. “Nope ? Nor do I care” He’s being a twat now. “Well I don’t give a fuck if you care or not… but I was having quite vanilla boring sex with random dudes… Trying to fill the sexual void, I also tried to fill that void with kink… so yeah. Even if you don’t think we were kinky together, we were. And I missed you. Missed sex 7 kink with you.”  He says “Good on you then” Fucking dickhead! I remind him that he also told me how kinky he was with his partner & he denies telling me anything & denies that what they were doing was even kinky. I tell him I am done with this because it’s a stupid convo & he says “you’re a stupid convo”  which makes me laugh. All is well before he goes offline. He says he’ll be on the other app though if I want to talk to him while he deletes this app. Fuck we are in too deep, even though he says yet again “This isn’t healthy. Love you. Chat soon.”

#IBD4U

Sorry for the delay in writing this blog. I only write notes & then have to expand on it. I was so sick with hayfever yesterday, I passed out on Phenrgan! So here it is 12 hours late, but at least I’m on time with the day!! Remember I am only posting on Tuesday & Friday’s for a while. If you have a story I can share, please email me!

As I walk out of his house, I feel good, I have quickly changed my shoes  back into my flats & walked to the car. Before I even shut the door, I hear my phone buzz & a message from Silverlining “Just going to put it out there. I’m going to remember what you wore today lol.” It makes me smile. FUCK. He can be so sweet & cute sometimes, underneath that ridiculous stupid exterior, he is sweet guy who knows that made me smiles as I’m driving home. I have never done that before for anyone, he knows this but still gives me shit about all the guys I’ve fucked since him, he doesn’t realise that I still have firsts & I still have firsts with him. Sometimes I think he doesn’t get me at all, however then I realise it’s actually about him & his insecurities when he speak to me like this. I don’t condone it – don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate it & I call him out on it. He forgets that I wouldn’t just let anyone choke me, I wouldn’t let just anyone fuck my ass & when he says shit like that about me letting anyone do it or I’ve fucked hoards of men, it’s actually about his self-esteem, not me! He says that shit to make himself feel better, not really to put me down.

As I get home I realise there has been some drama in the group, Silverlining getting himself banned & then cracking the shits at me. I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is or that he’s fucking me, so I don’t unban him & re add him but I talk to the group to let them know he didn’t really do anything wrong. He tells me to unban him & I tell him I won’t, but he tells me that I’m cute & would look cute if I was fighting with him. All he said to them was “What crawled up your cunts?” They say that they don’t like thw rod cunt & I mean I don’t love it either but can we not swear in groups now, does that get us banned? I chat with the group & he ends up getting unbanned without me being too obvious but Silverlining isn’t happy about it still.

I tell him that I am not sure & he says “Do you know what is cute? You pulling faces as you fight your inner demons on wanting to fuck me without a condom while you sit on my lap while your pussy is inches from my hard dick” Is that face really cute, he says yes but not as cute as me wanting his full attention on the chat app. He says that he’s got plenty of other women so he’ll take his business elsewhere. I tell him he’s a wanker & talk about other things, he says that he had to spray Febreze & glen 20 on the couch as it smelt like wet pussy. I wonder if we’ll get sprung because of my juices? Well I mean that was probably the last time I will see him, I mean he is finishing up work soon, I am back at work myself so won’t be able to do day time fucking, I just don’t know when we would ever get a chance again! I say that I hope we can at least catch up for lunches or a dinner when he works again, I really don’t want to lose him as a friend again. That seriously sucked more than losing the sex part. He goes off line without saying that he loves me, but I have said that I love him, I think he’s still pissed he was banned & I won’t add him back. But I won’t add him back because I don’t want to be obvious, I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is. He doesn’t come back online that night either, another sign that he’s seriously pissed off.

I wake up the next morning with no messages from him at all, so I message & get an immediate reply. I know this means he’s genuinely pissed at me. He says that his mum called him fat this week & his partner didn’t say anything to him when he put on a shirt that was a bit tight, so that told him everything & he is at the gym working out harder than ever before. I tell him that while he has put on weight since I last saw him, I still think he’s super sexy & he makes me cum so quickly. “Oh and did I forgot the part where one of my best online friends make it clear that the integrity of her precious group was mire important than me”  OMG, is he serious right now? The people in that group were there for me when he chose his wife over mean a year ago. They are people who stuck by me. I was also joking about banning him just like he was joking about not fucking me again if I didn’t unban him. He says he was joking but he is genuinely pissed off at my joke. I can’t even handle this right now, I hate that he gets like this & then pushes me away. I spend so long having to calm him down make him feel better when he treats me like this… What a risky game he plays, I could ruin his whole fucking life with a something so simple & he seems to forget that. Though he knows I am not going to do anything, he knows I am not like that, however I have those thoughts, just like anyone else… Mostly my thoughts of how I can get her to find out again. But what would that do? Nothing. Do I really want him because she left him because of some crazy stunt I pulled? No… I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me. So for now, this is our relationship.

I tell him he is the hottest man I have ever been with, he just thinks hot means body but to me, it means everything, his face, his body (which isn’t the best I’ve been with but he’s still super sexy to me) & our chemistry. I send him a naked body picture telling him I am stil wearing his cum, I also send him a picture in the nurse outfit to remind him how I fucked him yesterday & I offer to go to his work & suck his cock at lunch if he needs a reminder! He becomes vague & distant, not writing back as quick or with long responses like usual, so I say that if he wants me to come suck his dick, I’m free now or if he wants me to stop talking to him. I apologise for pissing him off, because clearly it’s hit a nerve more than I thought it would. “Fuck thought you were joking  , allready gone to lunch cos I was fucking starving.”  No I wasn’t joking, “That’s for the offer though , your amazing sometimes. I’m just on my period clearly”  I laugh & he is back. He says that it’s really pissed him off that he left himself go. I get that & he has stalked some dudes I fucked who are skinnier or buff, but they never made me cum like he does… I love him just as he is.

There is also a rumour going around that the chat app is closing, it’s been going on for months but this time they’ve sent out messages to everyone saying its closing. Which means I have to go back to the anon app with no notifications. I’ll be back at work soon & won’t be able to check my phone every 5 seconds. I’m actually sad that I finally have an app to message him on & it’s going to shut down. Everyone opens up accounts on this other chat app & I create an account in case Silverlining wants to use it but I assume he won’t download it because they have a shared iTunes account & it will come up in their lists… I don’t really understand how that works but assuming he won’t be able to get a new app. However I download it just in case.

I ask him if he has tried the popcorn pork crackle that has just come out which he says no, that the stores near him don’t sell it & so I make a mental note that next time I see him, I’ll take him a packet as I bought 2 but hate it. He says that he has to go offline again & says he’s loves me today for a change.

Well talk all day the next day about how stupid I was with Motocross & he gives me advice about dating, tells me not to be desperate. But I don’t think I come across as desperate to men, maybe I do? I don’t know. Someone once told me to wait three months before having sex with a dude you’re dating, I don’t think I could, I mean I tried not to fuck Motocross too soon but did on the second date, so I tell Silverlining this & he agrees. I’m not sure if he agrees because he doesn’t want me fucking anyone else or because he thinks it might work.

We then get onto weight loss & he tells me about how he & his partner were taking supplements & doing keto & that she lost 30kgs. I start to feel shit about myself, I work so hard to lose weight, look good & always feel fat yet she takes some supplements & loses weight & is probably smaller than me. He says I have a better body than her but I probably weigh more because of my muscle – but he says we’re about the same size – however I don’t think he realises what that does to me to think about her being the same size. Nothing fucks me off more than weighing more than everyone yet being the same size. Why does he tell me this shit? I ask “What the fuck do you need me for?” He replies “Cos your one of my best friends and I love you dumb ass. And you’re way hotter than you think you are. I say goodbye quickly as I’m at the gym & feeling so shit about how his partner is the same fucking size as me…. I don’t know why this pisses me off so much! I mean probably because I kill myself at the gym eating healthy & stay the same but she takes some supplements he gives her & she loses 30 kgs!
OMG it’s making me feel bad now, I’m off to the gym! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Those that have been around for a while will remember that I woke up one morning & I decided that I wanted to meet some of you & so I posted on my blog Facebook page to see if anyone would be interested in a catch up! So we’re jumping ahead a bit in the story for me to post this blog, this was January 2020.

To my utter surprise, so many people commented & liked the post agreeing that they wanted to meet me, even people from interstate want to meet me! I never knew I would be so popular. I guess if I was reading someone’s life 3 times a week, I’m sure I would be invested too & be curious to see what they look like. I know I don’t describe myself often but most of you know, blonde hair just past my shoulders, blue/grey eyes, relatively fit, short at 5’3 & I don’t have high self-esteem about how I look. I’m sure now every woman you see who looks like this, you’ll wonder if she’s me! Hahaha…

I only stated this blog to inspire & empower women (even men) to either not make the same mistakes as me, learning from my mistakes – because it’s easier to see my mistakes when you’re not involved but hopefully you can see where I went wrong & change your path. But the main reason was because I felt alone going through all these weird things with men & finally had other women – & even some men, who contacted me, telling me they have been in similar situations or that they felt alone too until they found my blog. I am glad that I have helped some people along the way. I love to hear your stories so don’t stop messaging & emailing me, I literally live for your stories!

It’s not always about what I write about me per se, but if someone outside looking into my life can see the decisions I should have made & they change their course, then I am happy! As I’ve said many times, I can see the decisions I should have made when I look back & post a blog about it, but while I am in the middle of it, you can’t see things quite as clearly. When you’re in it, it’s fucked, you are making decisions based on what you want, not always based on what is right. If I made decisions based on what is right, then I never would have even met Silverlining, way back 2 & a half years ago…

I guess if I was reading this I would be super inquisitive too as to who is the writer, I’d want to know who was writing… If it’s who I’ve pictured all this time so I would attend. So I put out an event, gathered up a few close girlfriends & thought if worse comes to worse, we’ll all have a good night & that will be ok.

However as the night drew closer, with all the other anxieties in my life, I started to regret this idea. I had booked in for hair & make-up so I knew I would look good, it wasn’t about that but about meeting new people. I also then started to freak out that some partners or wives could rock up to see if it was me writing about their partner. I mean there is Dom Dom, J-Lo, Crows and god knows how many other men I’ve been with that have a partner. I also got a few weird messages asking where the event was & it they made me uneasy being that I don’t know who you are either…. So I didn’t think this through, did I want to meet people who didn’t give me a good vibe online? Luckily I hadn’t advertised where the event was or how to find me.

I had people messaging me all day bailing. It was a super-hot day in January so I get that it was hard to get people to come out, but I kind of knew this would happen which was kind of a letdown.

However I wasn’t going to let this ruin my night, I had a few girlfriends going anyway so we were going for dinner then everyone else who was coming would come & we’d see what happened. The night would be fun regardless. I looked good, I wore a cute yellow dress I bought in Queensland, not many people can pull off lemon yellow, but I looked good. (You know I don’t usually say stuff like that!) I had my hair done & curled, I had my make-up done at mac. I felt good, I looked good. The night would be good no matter what happened.

So I think only one reader & her friend came along, everyone else that was there actually knows me in real life. I chatted to my readers & had a really good conversation with them. In fact I have become friends with one of them outside of the cocktails night. If I can ever find a guy to be on the podcast, we will get that going!

So the part was a bit of a letdown that I think I had 20 + people say they wanted me to do it, I booked an area at the hotel & then only 2 readers came. But do you know what I am also happy about that because I got to have a really good chat with them. Of course their main questions were if I was single & what spoilers I could give them. I am happy to give some spoilers in private (message me with questions) but there so much happens that I still recommend you read to understand why things happen the way they do…

After my readers left, the drinks start flowing a bit more freely for me, I didn’t want to be too drunk for meeting the fans. The girls & I start dancing & having a more of a great night. When some dude attaches himself to our group, in particular me. Now I am not a confident woman, so I don’t generally know when a man is hitting on me or do I pick up on subtle hints. It needs to be very direct & even then I don’t believe men half the time. However this dude was a weirdo, he kept saying that his uncle was some sort of famous soccer player, or that his uncle was a coach perhaps? I’m pretty sure he said for Liverpool? Isn’t that one of the most famous soccer clubs, also who gives a fuck?!

Anyway somehow he is mega drunk & attaches himself to me. When we get kicked out the pub, my friends & I are ready to kick on & we go to a karaoke bar in the city. WTF, I hate karaoke! The scary part is that I suggested it! So we go to the karaoke bar, with his dude in tow as well. He buys drinks & I fucking sing a song with him – OMFG! I think it was horses by Darryl Braithwaite. We’re there for a few hours before we all decide to go home. Now I am not really interested in the guy, but I think I would give him my number perhaps & we can catch up outside of this evening. I don’t want just another one night stand under my belt. This is where it turns!!

Like fuck, this guy standing outside of the karaoke bar waiting for my friends husband to pick us up, this guy becomes the most arrogant fucking pig I have ever had the misfortune to talk too…  When I said I wasn’t going to fuck him, he turned nasty about me living in the south, I live in a suburb, that isn’t renowned for its upper class status should we say, hahaha however he kept telling me that I’d be lucky f a guy like him from the west waned to fuck me, his other winning lines were him saying that he’d give me the best sex I ever had (Highly doubtful!). He also was talking about some sports car, like a Ferrari or something that we could have sex in. I have no idea. He said things about being too good for me etc, that his uncle was someone famous (that I do not know!) yet, here he is still hanging around waiting for me to take him home, wearing 2 hats…

Finally our ride arrives & he’s still trying to get me to go home with him but I refuse & he cracks the shits & gets into a cab. OMG… I can sure pick em! WHAT THE FUCK was that all about.

So needless to say I am not going to be organising a group cocktails ever again!! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Lately I’ve had a lot of new likes on Facebook, which is great. I love that people are getting involved in my blog, even if it’s just for the hearts… But this also worries me when people start reading halfway through a story, as this story especially, without the context of the last 400 blog posts might seem a little fucked up… I get that. I am not innocent or even trying to justify what I did. I know the part I play… So if you are a new reader, I don’t expect you to go back to the start & read all the posts about my life to understand this story, but just understand that each post doesn’t contain the whole story obviously so it make take some time to grasp what is happening & I will say that a lot of my posts are NSFW & should not be on your work computer! Hahaha.

I wake up to messages from him as usual, he tells me that he doesn’t think I’m a lonely loser. I know why he does this & interesting that I was chatting to my friend the other day about how he does this sort of thing & I get why he does it, I’ve probably talked about it before. It may piss you off that he talks to me like this but it’s about his own insecurities, not about me at all. However, he does annoy me that this is the way that he talks to me because it’s exactly how his partner talks to him, putting him down, making fun of his interests. To be really honest, I don’t even think he realises that he does it. I tell him not to back track now, I mean he psychoanalysed me as a stranger, there is no need to pretend that he didn’t mean it. He tells me that I have a lot of friends & people on the chat app, he thinks I am lonely being that everyone around me is in a relationship & sleeping next to someone every night but he didn’t mean it that way “Your so successful in your life especially based on how poor you were when being raised. Your not a loser. You make a lot of money and have done well to get where you are” I remind him that even though I have put my life on hold for work, to the detriment of our first affair & other guys I’ve dated & I am being treated like shit at my work, so while I earn a good wage & yeah I have my own home, it’s not everything. I have put my heart & soul into my work, I fucking love my job, but how successful are you really if you aren’t appreciated & being micromanaged after 5 years?

He replies “I still believe any man would be lucky to have you” I get what he’s trying to say but fuck that just hurts me when he says stuff like that, it always did – why doesn’t he want to be that lucky man? I try to change the subject, it’s not even 7:00am & I’m fucking down about my shit life. “It’s trueeeeeee. I think your fucking amazing but I maybe biased.” I just hate when he tries to build up my self esteem when clearly I am a loser.

We talk about if his daughter wakes up today & he mentions so weird tv show she loves & he says “You are an old lady with no kids” FUCK ME. I say wow & he asks if I’m a bit sensitive this morning. “No… But I did wake up early to a message saying I’m not a loser, when clearly I am…. Loser interests, loser taste in men, loser in my job, single sad loser sleeping alone every night & now old with no kids… Does that about sum it up?” OMG why do we bicker on days we’ve planned to see each other?!

“Argh. I’m just going to shut up now. Your not a loser at all. Your sexy , funny , beautiful,and an amazing friend. And far from a loser.” I say that I want to move on from this conversation because it’s not getting me in the mood to fuck him today & it’s making me want to cry “#IDB4U. Awww. I wanna hug you.”

I remember that the first time we ever were going to fuck, we had a fight all day, I tell him that I doubt I’ll cum today, I’m too moody now. He says he’ll kiss my mood away & fuck I start melting for him, which he knows I will anyway but fuck I hate how easy I calm down when he says something sweet.

To snap me out of this mood, I ask him if there is anything he wants me to bring today, I want to give him everything he’s never had, I want to make all his dreams come true but he says just my wet pussy. I laugh saying it’s kind of a package deal. He says he has no specific requests however I always know what he likes & that he loves all 3 of my holes equally. As I’m picking out an outfit, he says that he doesn’t matter what I wear & I ask why I am bothering. “Cos I unlock you sexy ass slutty side. And you want to be sexy for meeeeee.” I actually get quite turned on when I am getting ready for him, planning what I am going to wear, I picture what his face will do when he sees me, I know that as soon as he sees me – probably even before I’ve walked in his door, that he is semi hard knowing that I am getting closer to his house.

As I drive to his house dressed in the sexiest outfit I have ever worn for a man… I am wearing the nurse outfit he bought me Christmas that I haven’t worn for him, I have knee high white fish net tights that attach to the skirt of the nurse outfit. I am not wearing a bra or panties at all… Of course this isn’t an outfit that I can wear out in broad daylight, so I add the trench coat. I want to wear heels but Silverlining has a gravel driveway, so I wear ballet flats & carry the red patent leather skyscraper heels to his door. As I’m swapping shoes at his front door, shaking & struggling to get them on & stand up straight, he opens the door & FUCK. His eyes pop out of his head, he smirks & I know that he likes that I am wearing a trench coat for him, a fantasy we’ve both had! He has no idea what is underneath & I know that his eyes will pop again.

I am shaking like a leaf as he takes me into his strong arms & pulls me against his body kissing me deeply, pulling me into the house. We kiss & OMG I love kissing this man, our hands are everywhere… I am shaking because I want him to see what I am wearing but I am nervous about him seeing me. I’ve never done this before, I mean I’ve been in lingerie & a cute dressing gown when he’s got to my house before but not in a costume. I push him over to the couch & sit him down, undoing the belt of the coat & I watch his eyes… Fuck his eyes are so expressive. I don’t know how he gets away with lying because his eyes tell me everything I need to know. He is naked sitting on the couch & he is hard, so I kneel down & suck his cock till he is begging me to stop, saying that he doesn’t want to cum too quickly. I slide the condom on him & I climb up onto his lap & fuck him hard, I stick my tits in his face & he kisses them. He says that I have a tiny waist & I know he means it when he grabs it roughly to help me pump up & down on his cock. He flips us over so he’s on top of me fucking me on the couch, I cum multiple times. Fuck I love him…

As he gets close to cumming, he pulls out – I’ve already cum multiple times – lets face it it’s me & him so of course he’s made me cum while choking me so hard I can barely breathe but I love it… He slides his cock between my tits & I beg him to cum all over me, which he makes this noise combined with “Don’t say that” & a squinty face right before he loses control & cums all over me. I absolutely love that feeling, why do I love that feeling? He rubs his cum into my tits once he’s done, which I also love. He knows that I love it too. He loves branding me with his cum & I love being branded.

We sit around cuddling & touching, talking about crap & honestly, this is my favourite time with him. Of course I don’t get it uninterrupted because he’s checking his phone for her location as she’s come home before when he has days off, even though his daughter is asleep she could appear at any time. I have no idea what I’d do if she did come home. I mean my shoes are outside that’s a dead give away something is going on. I try not to dwell on that, if it happens, I will deal with it then.

I start kissing him & rubbing his cock, I want him again before I leave & I want to leave before his daughter wakes up, I don’t want to traumatise the poor girl with me in a nurse outfit fucking her dad on the couch. He’s hard instantly, as I straddle his lap again. Even though his cock tastes like condom & my cum, I suck it till he’s hard as a rock & ready to fuck me again. I struggle again with the right & wrong of fucking him without a condom & as I sit on him, dripping wet with how much I’ve cum today, his cock slips inside me bare… OMG it feels so fucking good! There is nothing better than this mans cock inside me without a condom on. This is so stupid but lets be honest, whatever he has, I’d already have it anyway. His face when I start fucking him bare is that of pure ecstasy, he says something & I say that I’m too wet & he slipped in… It makes up both cum so quickly & together. How the fuck do we keep cumming together!?

Of course when we’re done, we literally sit there entwined in each others limbs, sated & both loving the fact we didn’t use a condom. He asks why I fucked him without one & I don’t have a reason, besides I basically rub myself all over him, if he has an STI, I would already have it… I’m not fucking anyone else anymore, so I just went with it.

His daughter wakes up early, even though I was hoping to spend a bit longer with him after we cum, but I jump up & put on my trench coat & & he goes to get her up, I kiss him good bye & leave. There is something shit about leaving like this, quickly & not with a proper goodbye. I mean, I go back to work on Monday & so I don’t know when we will ever be able to see each other again, he will be unemployed soon, so I can’t meet him at his work. I will be at work when she’s at work, plus my work is far from where he lives. I can’t see him on weekends as he’ll have the kids, I don’t know how this is going to work out, but with everything else epically shit in my life with work, I cling onto this one good thing. My best friend back in m life for as long as that may be!

#IBD4U

So even though he’s just said goodbye, left like an asshole, he comes back online around 10:30 pm & says sorry “Anyway sorry for calling your interests lame and the stuff your into. I’m into lame stuff and I freely admit it with you now , and that makes me the biggest loser of all.”  I see them on my watch but refuse to click on them & then about 30 minutes later I get “Anyway , love you x”  Fuck he makes me melt so easily… I know why he does this type of thing though & of course it pisses me off, but I get why he does it. He doesn’t think he is good enough for me, he never has. He thinks I am this super cool, awesome chick that would never be into a geek like him. This is about his insecurities, not about me, it’s not easy for me to understand this because I am the same, I push people away when I think they are getting too close. I know most guys I have dated haven’t always put in a lot of effort but after writing this blog, I wonder if I push people away & Silverlining was the only one that made so much effort to keep me in his life? I don’t blame myself for everything that’s happened, but I’m sure that I am part of the reason why I am still single…

I wake up to a good morning message also, which makes me smile, I thought he would be too stubborn to message me late at night & also first thing in the morning without me even reading his messages & replying. I tell him I am going for a jog though it’s hot as fuck in Queensland, he tells me it’s cold in Adelaide & we’re talking so cordial that I think what the fuck is happening here… I apologise for missing his messages & say that I love him too, even when he’s a wanker. He tells me I didn’t need to apologise, but I know he needs the reassurance just as much as I do. He of course knows that I like his douche side but I didn’t think he’d leave without saying good bye “We said our goodbyes. In person. In messages. And in email. I sat on a car and said goodbye to you” Ok so he’s talking about when it ended the first time, not last night which is what I am talking about. But also, he thinks we got to say goodbye in person? I mean when he met me to give me my keys back in the car, he messaged me right after & said that didn’t finished. Also when we were at my house with all his stuff here, he said see ya soon, because he was dropping the kids off then coming back here, but I never saw him again because he fucking snuck in & took all his stuff back like a thief in the night. Does he not remember it the same way I do?

But he says he’s a dick & I know he’s a softie when it comes to me, I mean I wasn’t replying & he still came back online & said that he loved me & which he says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about because he’s being a dick. He also has to delete the app when he gets home because she still looks through his phone so he doesn’t have the chat anymore, but I do! Hahaha. I screenshot it & circle the ‘Anyway , love you x’ & write on the screenshot ‘love you too xxx’. I tell him that he’s super cute, I mean the man sent me messages every 30 minutes even though I was being stubborn & not replying or reading them

He tells me that the chat app might be shutting down, which we’ve heard a million times, but I wonder what we will do if it does shut down? I hate the anon app as I don’t get notifications anymore & that pisses me off. But I’m sure we’ll find some way to communicate.

He asks me when I am back in Adelaide & I tell him it’s tomorrow, “Nice , you still on to see me Thursday?”  I literally laugh out loud. I have this idea to wear the nurse outfit he bought me for Christmas & the trench coat, 2 fantasies in one. I want desperately to wear it for him since he bought it for me & I want to see his eyes pop when he sees me wear it too, so I reply that a local health care person may need to make a house call & I think he understands what I am going to do. I know that when I arrive at his house, I will be shaking like a leaf, but I can’t wait to live out this fantasy with him. I know he’s at work late, it’s Tuesday night, our usual night we used to meet, so I send some pictures of the sexy lingerie that I bought today in Brisbane. He says all the right things, like how hot I look, that I look pretty, that I’m so sexy & if you follow my facebook page you’ll know that the words of affirmation are my love language, which I didn’t know but it make sense to be honest, I mean I love when he tells me how much he wants to fuck me or kiss me or hug me. When he says pretty though, it sounds so weird coming from him & he says that I have gotten prettier & my body is hotter than before “You looked so pretty at my house the other day” We say goodnight & our usual love you’s. Just as I am about to turn off my computer & go to sleep, he is back online because he’s home & she’s asleep. He tells me again that this isn’t healthy, yet he doesn’t try to stop it & often says I love you first with a kiss.  We talk for ages about tv shows we watched as a kid, what I am watching on my computer. It’s all normal conversation & conversation that I desire with him, conversation that I have missed so much! He talks a little about his family too, his brother & how his parents split weeks after he was born, his mum was young & so was his dad. It’s really nice to have this type of conversation with him. But it’s super late, I don’t want to say goodnight so I keep chatting even though my eyes are basically closing. He says it’s time for bed & he goes with the usual I love you & kisses. FUCK

 

I wake up to my usual good morning message which makes me fucking smile the second I wake up, he says that he’s tired & had to drop his kids off & his son had a fight with him over wearing socks… I say that kids have their own personality & people often forget that. He says “Some people are smart and don’t have kids” Yeah the reason I don’t want kids of my own is because they have a right to not want to put on their socks, some days I don’t want to do things but it’s just I’m too old now to chuck a tantrum about it. He says it surprises him that I’d be interested in a man who has kids & he tells me that I’d probably make a really good mum. I know I would & if it happened when I was younger I would have loved it, but because it never did, I became more & more stubborn & didn’t want to change my life to become a mum. He says again to me that if he lost his kids he would want one with the nest woman, but I am past my use by date… I mean I can still have children & I tell him again that I would’ve had kids with him… It makes me wonder though, again… If I wasn’t so adamant about saying that I didn’t want kids, would he have taken the leap with me when the threat of losing his kids came up? It makes me wish that I just kept my mouth shut about what I wanted, because I would have had kids with him & the thing that fucks me off now, is that this is the first & only time in my life that I have thought about kids. I don’t regret tying my tubes but I feel a weird pang that makes me wish I didn’t do it. To get off this topic because it makes me quite sad, there are always if only’s but this is a big one! Would things be different if I had of wanted kids?! Fuck I really hate this what if. Anyway to get us off this topic, I send him pictures of my ass & he says that he needs more than that to make him hard, so I find the picture of me with cum on my face & some other sexy pictures which make he hard instantly & he says that I win. I board my plane, saying goodbye to my friend & goodbye to Queensland, saying I love you to him & switching off my phone. The whole flight I think of nothing but having his child. FUCK. This is not something I ever expected to think about. Oddly, if it’s possible, I still don’t want a child of my own, but if he wanted one & was with me, I would find a way to have one…

I touch down & as we’re taxing to the airport, I log on & tell him I am home because I hate not being able to talk to him when he is available – he’ll be home soon & log off for a few hours before she goes to bed. During our welcome home conversation he asks if Motocross came to see me. I laugh out loud & say that we both knew he wasn’t coming, also weird that Silverlining waited the entire week to ask. Also if Motocross did come, then I wouldn’t have been messaging as much. I had made a decision before I left for Brisbane that if Motocross did come that I would stop fucking Silverlining. But in actual fact, I never see Motocross again, so technically I am only fucking one of them at a time. We start having a chat about my failed attempts at relationships & he says that I need to not be so guarded, well the one guy that I did let in & told everything too hurt me, so I am more reserved than ever before. He told me as as a stranger than I’m a lonely loser going to bed by myself every night, so I can only assume he means it & that’s what he really thinks. I mean it’s probably true at this point. At 38 only one man has every loved me & all the others have used me fore whatever reason was convenient for them. Silverling says goodbye because he’s almost home, I say have a good night & love you. He says see you tomorrow & that he loves me too.

He doesn’t come back online tonight, which sends my head into overdriving thinking about them having sex, however I am asleep early because traveling makes me tired. I am not going to dwell on any of that shit now about me being a loser, him being with her, him having sex with her… I focus on the fact that I get to see him tomorrow, I get to kiss him & touch him, be with him, cuddle him, talk to him face to face & I am definitely going to be the sexiest bitch he’s ever seen when he opens the door.

#IBD4U

I start chatting to Silverlining as Marvel on the chat app, I can now get notifications. Only his name isn’t Marvel on the chat app, it’s something that I hate. Another man I was reasonably involved with actually used the same name & actually I used the name as his pseudonym in my blog. I tell him I feel so special after 28 days that he came to find me & I also ask why he is using that name & he says that it was deliberate that he took a chance that I wouldn’t chat to someone with that name, plus he says that people are already calling him by this name… OH FUCK, of course they are!

I don’t know why but I want him back in my group, I ask him to join if he wants & he tells me I’m cute before I say that I am not. Hahahaha… He goes offline saying  “Chat again soon loser. Luv ya” I say Luv ya too & he’s gone.

The next day I wake up to just one message & so I reply good morning & ask how he is, he asks if everything is ok but I don’t understand what he means, he says that I don’t usually say good morning. I laugh because I am usually walking up to 50 messages that I don’t even think to say good morning. He asks if I want a rant, I say that his rants are fucking cute as fuck usually, but I don’t want him to have a rant at me every day but I do like when I get more than one message every day. He then says “Oh I got a question for you. Who’s more stubborn ? Me or you ?” Well that’s an interesting question… We both are fucking stubborn, when we broke up the first time I was so stubborn but then I cracked & reached out to him. I know he thinks I’d moved on so he was stubborn & refused to message me to see how I am… I say that I think I am the most stubborn but ask him who he thinks “I do fucking give in before you usually … I’m pretty fucking stubborn person tho.”  I mean we’re probably as stubborn as each other, but out banter & bickering makes us hotter so  one of us usually give in before it gets too far & usually it results in some hot sex.

While I’m away in Brisbane, we chat a lot, but not all of it is worthy of a blog & in the interested in speeding things along, I will just try to give you some highlights… Though it’s so hard to not give you almost word for word conversations! Hahaha

We talk about Rope & how everyone hates me now & that I am not going anymore, which he just pays me out about – Which fucks me off because of his partner paying out his likes & hobbies. I snap & tell him that he’s fucking judgemental. He then asks why I talk to him if he’s such a prick to me 50% of the time. I say that I’m not entirely sure. He tells me that I’m super cool & I snap saying that I never said I was cool. He’s the one that always gave me that title then used it against me as a reason not to be with me.

We talk about the boundaries he tried to set of only talking once a week, yeah that is going well! Hahaha. I’m reminded that there aren’t that many opportunities to see him, once I’m back at work, once he’s not at work, then it’ll be harder & harder to find a time we can see each other. He also doesn’t go to the gym at night anymore, he goes early in the mornings now. He says that he might set up some interviews or something, but I ask how he’s going to do that with the Apple stalker app. I’m sure that if he says he’s got an interview, then she’ll be watching like a Hawkeye where he is. He says that he’ll work something out & asks why I fuck him so good but also says we probably shouldn’t keep fucking… Well what a contradiction. I say that I wasn’t sure we were going to fuck the first time & he says “Really? Your pussy told a different story.” FUCK “My pussy is no indication of what my brain is saying… You should know I’m like a guy… Thinking with my dick. Which is constantly hard.” He says something about me wearing a trench coast next time when I say that I will mix it up for him. I don’t tell him that I bought a trench coat which still has the tags on, that I bought with the idea of a fantasy with Abs & also talked to Holden about the same fantasy… Could I do it with Silverlining? Finally? The one I wanted to do this fantasy with? I just always think I will have all the time in the world with Silverlining to do everything sexual that my brain thinks up. “You’re about to go offline & I’m going out for dinner… So tell me you love me Silverlining & send me a cute emoji before you go then you may get the trench coat fantasy you’re looking for…” I say goodbye early because I am going out for dinner & am not going to be looking at my phone to reply to his every message, he sends me a pig emoji because he’s a twat but he says that he loves me. I write that I love him too & can’t wait to ride his cock again.

Later that night I send him a picture of my granny undies I bought in Queensland to go with my new dress so I don’t have panty lines. “Sill look sexy in granny undies lol. That a hot pic btw. Why do you tease me with pics that make me want to fuck you? PS look how small your tummy is these days.”  I love that he thinks I am skinnier. I mean I am, the stressors in my life due to work are causing me to basically have an eating disorder, it’s fucked…. He tells me that he doesn’t think I am skinny & doesn’t want me skinny “You are beautiful and proper curvy , not fat curvy. And you have no gut at all these days.” We end up sexting & Silverlining sends me a picture of how hard his cock is, we all know what I would do if I was there with him & he says “Fuck you #IBD4U” I start calling him baby as a joke but he says it’s super cute that I am calling him Baby. It’s late at night so we say goodnight “Fucking love you heaps” I tell him that I love him too & his response makes me gasp “I missed my best friend so much” I stare at that for ages “So fucking much” FUUUUCCCKKKK…. I tell him I missed him too, I fucking did, so fucking much, I hated not being able to tell him things, I just never thought he felt the same way or that he would ever admit it to me like this…

I wake up to 6 messages over the course of 30 minutes “Morning #IBD4U. How are you today ? I hope you have a fantastic day today. How’s the weather? What are you hobbies and interests? What music are you into?”  I literally laugh my head off at his multiple messages, I send him a picture of me in bed in my Pj’s – I figure I need to wear pjs at my friends house “Fuck you have a good body these days. How are you single again?” Yeah I also wonder that too & why he didn’t want me all the time if he thinks I look so good. I know it’s not all about looks, but surely, if you found your other half – your best friend, wouldn’t you want that forever?! I lift my top & send a picture asking how much he wants to cum on my tits, which he tells me off for making him hard at school drop off, I tell him to stop looking at his phone while dropping the kids off “See I have an issue. Fucking addicted to your sexy ass. And stomach and tits. Your tummy is so tiny these days I want to cum on that too” We talk about how apparently easy I am not make cum, but I don’t usually cum that easily with other guys, this is about our chemistry & passion & how much I love him. I remind him that his partner took 10 years to cum with him. He tells me that she doesn’t cum often with him, rarely squirts & it’s fucking hard work to make her cum… I now believe that you can cum easily if you truly have that passion with someone. I snap at him because he overshared how kinky she was when we ended, “I was madly in love with you & you kept telling me shit. No wonder I fucked so many men” I tell him that him telling me all that stuff hurt me deeply & he says that it wasn’t meant to hurt me & he really didn’t realise how much I loved him. We start having a fight as I am getting ready to go to the Gold Coast for lunch with my friend. I am fucking angry now… He keeps saying he thought I was over him & I just hate him for telling me all that stuff about his partner & all the things she did for him, which was all a fucking lie… She did it once & then never again – just as I predicted…

At this point, I realise that if we didn’t meet as strangers on the anon app, we wouldn’t have ever chatted again, we’re both too stubborn & thought we hurt each other too bad to start something up again. I doubt if I knew it was him from the beginning that I would of chatted to him or told him that I loved him this time around…

We fight more about how lame he says I am for going to swingers parties & going to rope, not this old chestnut. I hate that he calls me lame all the time. He then genuinely asks me if I think he would like Switch, as one of his best friends, he asks what I think. Of course I know he would hate it, he would be self-conscious & hate it but I say that if he went with me, he would find himself enjoying it a little if he treid. I also say that I think he would hate concerts & things too because of people bumping into him & stuff. I know he would like the concert but I think he would be a grumpy old man when someone spilt their drink on him. “Hmm. Your wrong on all levels. And that kinda disappoints me. No way would I enjoy Switch and I do enjoy concerts and the show”  The word ‘disappoint’ seriously kills me… I know this man so well in so many ways & I thought I knew most things about him, but him saying that word to me really fucking hurts that I don’t know him like I thought I did!

He doesn’t let it go, he just keeps saying how shit & lame Switch is, that he’d hate it & I end up just saying that he’s being judgemental, but he says that he’s just being honest. I mean how can you have an honest opinion about something you’ve never been too? I say that he could just say it’s not my thing & leave it at that, but he doesn’t. He just keeps going & going until I just agree & says “It’s lame. We’re all lame. I get it. Just let it go”  he replies “Fuck I’m a prick. I’m off. Chat later” He logs off & I am seething… He’s a fucking wanker!

#IBD4U

So I forgot about my post on Friday, I’m so sorry for being tardy with my blog. I am thankful for those who noticed I didn’t post, it wasn’t intentional I had half written another story & never got to finish it. At the moment I am going through a lot personally – not dating related (Just so you’re not wondering! Hahaha), which is taking up too much space in my head. So I am going to cut out Sunday for a short time & only post on Tuesday & Fridays as of next week, while I get through this shit time. I have so much to say & so many stories to share, that I will reintroduce the Sunday moving forward when I am through this tough time… I hope you all understand! Thank you for sticking by me though!

So I’ve told Silverlining I’m not legitimately angry with him, & I guess I am not, despite what you all think but I have mixed feelings & have thoughts about what this means. I know he’s been online looking for chats from women for years, I know he didn’t mean to fall in love with me & I’m not sure how often that happens anyway, I’ve chatted to people for so long & not fallen in love so I think it’s not that common to truly fall for someone online. I guess the only reason this pisses me off, is because he has limited time online, limited time to chat to me, limited time to spend with me & he has been spending that time chatting to others too. Again I can’t really be upset about this, I chat online, hell I’ve even dated people while chatting to him but something niggles at me about this. But I try to move past it.

The people who think this is dumb of me or think Silverlining is a asshole (I don’t disagree with you, he is an asshole hahaha) but I want you to think about your partner, if you have one or a previous partner, are they or were they 100% perfect? No. I’m sure they aren’t. I definitely am not perfect nor do I make good decisions all the time, due to other factors, that is part of life. I cannot expect him to be perfect but I can accept the things he does & I believe that he is honest with me. I have to trust that this is real, or I am no better than his partner. I want to trust & love, I don’t want to be angry when I don’t know how much longer we’ll have together. We have to make choices in life & this is the one I am making, right or wrong, stupid or smart, I am willing to overlook things, just as I am sure you are overlooking things too.

He tells me that yesterday was the wettest he’s ever seen me & that it was so hot that I was struggling to not fuck him without a condom… Man oh man – I wanted to feel his skin on mine… I wanted that feeling, I know how it feels to fuck him without a condom & I want that feeling again… He says he’s a little fucked up that it was so hot watching how frustrated I was trying to stop myself from just fucking him without it. I would say it’s not fucked up, but pretty normal, I don’t know if there would be many guys that wouldn’t want the chick sitting on his lap in lingerie, to just fuck him without a condom while she’s struggling with the decision. He says that he’s pissed off he came in 30 seconds in my ass considering it was the second load of cum that day with me too… I say that it’s not unusual to cum in 30 seconds especially when fucking someone’s ass, but he reminds me of when he fucked my ass outside bent over my outdoor setting when he fucked my ass for ages… I did forget about that, but yes that happened & he did last a while even though he was outside & in my ass!  

Because it’s still niggling at me, & lets face it, this is me, this is the man I can be most honest with, that I need to know why he is on the anon app, is he or was he looking for another affair & just happened to get lucky & find me on the app, was he just looking for a root? “No I wasn’t looking for another affair. And no wasn’t planning on a root. I strictly joined the anon app for entertainment while I’m bored at work in my final months left. And joined the chat app the day I thought it was you , I had to find out … I wouldn’t of joined otherwise. I did not join looking for an affair or a root … I get enough sex as it is as my partner actually does make the effort to tell me how good I look and give me a lot of sex. I just have a fucking weakness for you. I literally wanted something to space time in work. And I thought what can I do to waste time at work and signed up for the anon app for chats. Thinking I couldn’t go back to the chat app. I was on the anon app for at least a month before talking to you and joining the chat app FYI.”  He also tells me that obviously he’s not gay so doesn’t chat to dudes – I mean I don’t chat to women either so I guess that’s fair. & that of course the common thing they talk about is sex – most guys talk about sex with me on the apps too. He also says that he wasn’t intending on fucking me again either. Yeah right! We both knew it would happen once we decided to meet again.

He admits he lied about joining the groups & says that we lied to each other for 3 weeks when we were pretending to be strangers (was only 2 weeks but I let that slide!) This is when he tells me about Cowboy’s mistress, lets call her Eggs & how she’s a dirty bitch, quite attractive & that she only sees Cowboy out of convenience. I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy, I know it’s ridiculous but I hate that I don’t have his whole attention. Ironically, I never did have all his attention, ever… The whole time we were together, he had a partner, a family & I know he chatted to other people back then too. Why do I care so much this time? He’s always going to want that validation from other women, he says his partner is better now but clearly it’s not enough for him or he wouldn’t be online for chats – even if it is to waste time while in his final months at work. I am not stupid enough to believe that we get everything from one person, I know that we don’t need others for whatever reason. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, which he say has nothing to do with his partner, but he is lazy & doesn’t make the effort, however he makes the effort with people online, he makes the effort because he doesn’t have to justify anything to his partner if he was to go out somewhere with a friend. This is why I believe that I will have some sort of open relationship when I do ever get a boyfriend.

SIlverlining offers up the chat app, allowing me to get notifications again, which I will be happy about because I am over checking this app 500 times a day for a message from him. I say goodbye for the evening as I am going to visit family in Brisbane when I get home he’s said good night & sent me a kiss. I realise that I never lied to him, so I message that to him, I was always myself when on the anon app, I just changed a few things like my job title so he didn’t identify it was me too easily. “I do love you but fuck, you make it hard to like you sometimes. We’re way too honest with each other & again, it hurts me”  I hate hearing about how much sex his partner gives him… She clearly thinks that the main reason why he cheated on her.

To my surprise Silverlining messages me later that night, he tells me that I didn’t lie to him but I wasn’t honest with him, he just says in a pleading way that it was bugging him who I was & so he signed up as he had to know. “It’s ok to hate me you know. I honestly don’t aim to be likeable. And don’t blame you for any harsh feelings you would have for me. I was 99%  myself the whole time btw” I get home late after getting lost in Brisbane, in a manual ute, so I am fired up & snap asking what I lied about & tell him that this type of message is exactly why I think I loved him more than he loves me!! I go to sleep with this horrible thought in my head…

I wake up later than usual to 10 messages “I didn’t say you lied. We both got caught up in something that was dishonest and yes I lied as part of that dishonesty because I just had to know it was you. I’m done defending myself, if you feel that  you loved me more , fuck it , keep thinking that , because no matter what I do you refuse to believe that I did , so what ever. I just want you to know one fucking thing. The chemistry we have doesn’t just happen because I wanted to fuck You. Or because I just wanted to Have some fucking affair with someone random women on the anon app and accidently bumped into you and fucked you. It happened because of our connection. It happens because I loved you more than anything, and it happens because I still fucking love you. You don’t look each other in the eyes the way we do based on the things like fucking lust. So I’m fucking done about it , because no matter what I say you don’t believe me , and you still question now.” I literally am smiling like a lunatic as his rant… Sleepily, I reply ”I wish I could cuddle you right now…”  He replies quickly as if he was waiting all morning since 6:30 am for me to wake up & reply, ready for a fight. “Pffft. Fuck you” I can’t believe his rant, it honestly tells me everything I needed to know, every doubt about his feelings for me are gone “You’re super cute when you’re trying to make a point… Like all sweary & I could just imagine your face you were pulling as you typed that out, how fast your fingers were working the keyboard…!” I just know that he was mega pissed off but his rant makes me realise how much he loves me still… “Pffft. You suck.” I know his so well, I hate how well I know him sometimes & I hate how much I doubted his feelings for me. “Thank you Silverlining. I do appreciate the rant… I never question our chemistry ever, I mean that shit is what got us in this mess in the first place. Now we’re in it again… It’s undeniable” I just want to hug him & have his strong arms around me. “I get all Angry and ranty and all you do is think it’s cute. FFS. And then thank me for it !”

You may not get it, but I know this man better than anyone else, I have never understood another human being the way I understand him (not all the time of course!) & I can read his messages & understand his tone & picture exactly what he is thinking. It wasn’t a test but I tell him that his response tells me more than he will ever know. “You’re fucking cute as fuck!” Fuck I love him & I am so glad that he loves me the same back, despite what will happen here, I know I am truly loved. I tell him that I am not normal – I know him well enough to know that this isn’t something I need to keep worrying about “Well one thing we can agree on , your not normal. It’s what makes you so fucking unique , interesting & sexy”  Fuck I want him… I am in QLD & all I want to do is hug this fucking man…

I ask why we fight so much & he seems to think that we don’t. I mean when we do it makes us horny & we just want to have sex. I don’t want to start another fight so I send pictures of the cute as fuck dress I just bought which I wore to Cocktails with #IBD4U (Story coming from that night soon!) he tells me I look sexy & we get onto the topic of sex again! Hahaha.

Later I ask if he is still chatting to the chick who he was friends with, I’m not sure I ever gave her a name, but she was the only one Silverlining ever talked too about me & she helped me a bit after he went offline too, I want him to have a friend to talk to about me, he say that he’s been chatting to her & that he told her he wasn’t going to fuck me & she laughed at him. He says he chatted to her on the second day he re-joined the chat app, I get a little annoyed & he senses it, telling me that he sees the chat app come up on my watch every time we’re together so I can’t be pissed, I get messages too. He tells me that he hasn’t sexted with anyone else but me. This makes me oddly happy… He asks if I am jealous & pissy about him chatting on the chat app & I tell him that it pisses me off hat he’s on there chatting to others when he only has limited time, that if he ever re-joined the app, he’s come find me because he wanted to speak to me… He tells me that he was staying away but he found me on the anon app…

He stops messaging me on the anon app & I get a message on the chat app from Marvel “Oi Bitch. I did come find you like a loser.”

#IBD4U

I met this guy online, I forget which site because it was many years ago, many years before I ever even fell in love. I remember that I was in home renovation mode (I have these phases quite often & am currently in another phase of renovations) But at this time I was spending my time painting my pond with special pond paint sealer stuff as the algae had taken it over & I was giving it a thorough clean. I had already cleaned it with my dad & then set about painting the pond.

I hate that when I owned this house with Boyfriend, I wanted to turn the pond back into a pond, the previous owners had filled it with dirt & put a fern in it, I always wanted to turn it back into a pond however Boyfriend always said it would be too much work to keep a pond. Well of course when we broke up, a few years later, I had some help & we dug out the fern, dug out the dirt & turned it back into a pond – which I do love. However Boyfriend was right, it is a fucking lot of work. Even though I have a filter on a timer in the pond to air-rate the water, the sun hits it in the morning causing algae to grow at rates I can’t keep up with, even with stuff for algae for ponds. He was right & I hate that, so I just try to power through the first time I am cleaning & painting the pond. I have done it again since too, it’s just a mammoth task & actually needs doing again really!

So while doing this task, I am online chatting because, let’s be honest here, I’m a loser & needed some company. Remember this is probably about 5 or 6 years ago, maybe even longer to be honest. So I chat & send pictures to people as I sit in the empty pond trying to get the coats of paint on before the sun sets.

So I am chatting to the guy we’ll call Pond & he is so keen to meet me – like too keen, like danger too keen type & keeps offering me help with the pond that I actually start to seriously consider it. I don’t really know what I am doing here sitting in a pond & I don’t really want to do it alone, so I ask what he would do if he was here. What a dumb fucking thing to say #IBD4U… Please roll your eyes at me, because I am!

When Pond replies that he wants to meet me naked (WTF?) I pretty much asked for that, didn’t I? But that’s not a surprise, he really starts pushing meeting naked. I flirt a little bit with this idea as a joke, until I realise that he is fucking serious! He wants to meet naked. He doesn’t let up on this idea. He says that he’ll come to my front door naked, I’ll open it naked for him & we’ll just have a date… Okay rightio… First I don’t have a house that you could walk to the door naked, not only do I have neighbours who look out their front window at every car that drives by, but my front door is exposed, not trees, no bushes, sensor lights, absolutely no way to be discreet at my house.

Later when I realise that this guy is really not joking about meeting naked to come help me paint my pond, I stop flirting & say that I am not interested in this idea. He then says that I don’t have to be naked, that he’ll just arrive at my door naked. So what he’ll be naked & I’ll be in clothes the whole date? WHAT THE FUCK…

Now let’s just also remember the time of my life that this story takes place, this is before Milky – who was a significant part of my sexual awakening, I am not a prude, by any means, however I wasn’t as open sexually back at this time. I had also never met anyone naked until Noodle, who comes along many years later & if you remember me telling that story, I already started having significant feelings for him, felt so safe & comfortable with him, yet I was shaking like a leaf that I almost feel out of my heels.

So this is a guy I don’t know at all, I hadn’t ever done anything like that before nor had I ever really thought about doing something like that with someone ever, let alone with a stranger. He keeps pushing it that we meet & he’ll be naked. I keep saying no & eventually snap telling him that I am sick of fuckboys & that I don’t have the energy for this kind of pressure bullshit from someone I don’t know. I mean would you meet someone for the first time naked for a date?!

He asks me if I am ok & I am not, if I remember correctly I had some family issues going on at this time too that which is why I snap at him that I am not going to meet him naked. He says “Do u want some company to talk to. No funny business”  & to be honest, while the offer is nice & sweet, I’m sure it’s not genuine. Nothing with anyone online is every genuine! I say no thanks & he says “Can’t win even when try the compassionate approach”  I honestly can’t believe how easily men turn when they don’t get their way. I just say that I don’t have the energy to dignify that with an answer. I believe I am allowed to not want to meet someone I don’t want too, not only has he been pushy so much so that I have stopped replying & also suggesting the most ridiculous way to meet someone. Or was I a prude here? Should I have done something different & met him naked?! What would you have done?

Over the course of the next 6 months, I get a regular “Hey” or “Hey u” message almost one every few weeks, which I ignore. I mean this guy was quite pushy (I wish I saved more of his messages but back then I wasn’t even writing the blog yet so I only have a few messages he sent me saved.) I ignore all his messages, but when I am back online dating about 6 months later in the next year, he sees my profile & starts messaging me on the chat app again.

I accidentally click on his messages so he sees that I’ve read them. Damn it! Which spurs him on:

You not talking hun?

Can we chat hun?

Please??? Don’t ignore me

 So how can I convince you? Fixed pond?

You gonna reply? Tried chatting to you on the dating app

Hey at least say hi

We did get along well …Errr? Did we?

Hey can u reply plz

Let’s go on a date

Can we

Don’t be ignorant

Hey I’m down your way… Coffee??

Hey wanna come over for a drink tonight. I’ll cook

No?

LOL why u not answering.

Well… Fuck me, all those messages were over the course of just one month, so not completely nuts like it seems seeing them all like that, because it wasn’t all in one day but it was pretty regular for a month or so, but the thing that I love about this is that I don’t reply to him ever & then I get “Don’t be ignorant.” How dare he. Why do people do that, harass someone then get grumpy when they don’t reply? I never asked for this & I’m apparently the one with the problem? Fuck I hate dating… I’m so surprised after this dude that I ever dated again or fell in love… Hahaha.

#IBD4U

For a while I am going to go off topic, well not off topic because all my stories are about dating, however, they won’t always be in chronological order for a while. You will get my whole story eventually but there is some method in my madness as always! Hahaha.

So during a time of dating, I meet someone online that I am not 100% attracted too, but this has been something that people have been telling me to do, date someone you’re not that into looks wise because they may have a great personality & maybe that’s where I am going wrong. I agree with this & attempt it. “Give him a go” comes to mind. URGH.

To be completely honest, even though he’s a similar age, I feel like I am out of his league, he looks bulky, he looks greying & pretty much like an older dad. So when we match, I don’t make too much effort, in fact we barely talk at all before he’s asking me on a date.

I don’t know why but when men suggest a coffee date especially with someone I don’t want to go on a date with, I say “I hate coffee” not only is this a fact but it’s also a way to explain that this is the worst date idea ever – I need alcohol for a date – I hate meeting new people. He persists & offers, wine, tea, soft drink, water… So as a wine enthusiast, I suggest a wine instead of coffee, he agrees & he is suggesting a date & time, of a Sunday afternoon in the middle of winter. I agree & he suggests a place that I’ve been on a few dates before.

Despite my better judgement, I say yes to this date after such minimal chat – this is unlike me to do this, unlike me to meet someone so quickly, with a gut instinct that I am not going to enjoy this at all, I arrange a date with this guy. I don’t know anything about this guy, what am I doing?

Days before the date, I have barely spoken to him & he hasn’t tried to talk to me, but on the day of the date he messages to confirm & he should know from the rate of my replies, that I am not into him? I feel sorry for him to be honest. I feel sorry for me for doing this to myself…

When the date comes, I am still not feeling it, I have a slight cough & think I should just cancel, I don’t know why I don’t but I feel too bad, so I just decide to go. I run late though, which is 100% unlike me to do that too, as I drive past the restaurant looking for a carpark, I see him sitting outside, my snap judgement is that I am still not interested but maybe he is a really great guy & we could even be friends.

I walk up to him at the restaurant, he isn’t like his picture at all, he is greyer, he is a little chubbier & my instant vibe is that he’s gay. I have great gaydar, so I will be surprised if I am wrong. He’s wearing a t-shirt with an unbuttoned shirt over the top, both short sleeved. He is also wearing shorts, it is the middle of winter but I guess he’s not cold. His whole outfit is sponsored by Billabong. I’m not judging because I am a brand whore however, you don’t wear everything in one brand all at once… That’s just weird?!  I don’t know what to wear & think about it a lot, usually a cute outfit with heels but I couldn’t be bothered, I put on a nice top, a skirt & my converse sneakers… Like wtf. Cute outfit but not first date type outfit. However it is just a casual coffee… So the outfit is ok, but neither of us are dressed weather appropriate.

We hug awkwardly as I walk up to him, he gets off the stool & he offers me a coffee. WTF? Didn’t I say I don’t drink coffee – that wasn’t a joke (even as a budding writer, I don’t like the smell & coffee breath… OMG.) So I say, “Aren’t we getting a wine?”  he seems flustered by this suggestion, like it was brand new to him. I know it’s 2:00 pm on a Sunday afternoon but we can have a wine.

At the bar, he says to the bartender, that we are going to have a wine. So has he talked to the bartender about coffees? Anyway he takes ages to pick a wine, I look at the list but just order the house shiraz, he looks for a long time & then settles on the house shiraz too. I think that took longer than it needed too.

We look around for somewhere to sit & he suggests outside. We are not dressed for the weather, I am in a skirt & bare legs however I agree & we sit outside on the stools he was at. I can’t decide which stool to sit on, the one directly next to him or the one that is one away so we can look at each other more, the table is like a wine barrel so I can’t really sit opposite. As I sit in the stool directly next to him, I am reminded of some guys on dates who have sat to close to me on dates & now I feel weird sitting next to him but I can’t move. I feel so awkward.

Something that disturbs me about this guy though is that he acts a little like my brother. So my brother does this thing with his fingers when he’s talking & has a bench or table in front of him, he taps the table with his fingers, leaving his palm on the surface he’ll drum his fingers when making a point. It kind of freaks me out a bit that this guys the same & has a few other mannerisms the same as my brother, I try to give him a chance & ignore this.

We talk fairly easily. I am going through a lot in my work life at this particular time that I even say to the guy that it’s probably not a good time to be meeting me as it’s all I can talk about. To his credit, he listens & asks questions engaging me & himself in the conversation that is not light hearted or good in any way. We talk about travel too, I am more general with countries I have been too saying things like “A bit of Europe, all of the UK, lived in Canada” keeping it very general – I have travelled to a lot more countries than that, but he lists every single country he has been too… OMG. Every. Single. Country. Was that amount of detail needed? Is this is actual conversation style & this boring or am I that boring that he has to fill like he has to fill the conversation with other topics besides my work. I think a little of both, because he also told me every single career he had too. dating back to when he was in school… Maybe I am fucking boring?! All of you wouldn’t still be reading if I was! Hahaha.

We have only one wine & we leave, hugging awkwardly goodbye. I am hoping he doesn’t ask to see me again & he doesn’t, because I would have stupidly said yes & then end it via text. I think he felt it too, so I don’t hear from him after the date. As I am about to drive home, I message J-lo & tell him that I hate dating, he asks why & I tell him that I went on a date that didn’t look like his pictures & acted like my brother, plus I think he might be gay.

A couple of days later, he says hey how are you? I write back that I am ok & ask how he is to which he replies that he is ok thanks. There’s nothing really exciting about that for the blog, is there?! Hahaha… So saucy! I just assume that he doesn’t want to keep the conversation going & hope it fades out.

Almost a week goes by & I haven’t heard from him but haven’t deleted him, when I get a message “Hey #IBD4U how was your weekend?” I don’t get a chance to even look at it all day however when I do open the app to look at the message there is also a picture of a women with a caption “Think I’ve got potential?” HOLD UP! WHAT??? Is he a crossdresser? Is he trans? What the fuck is this about… To be honest, he actually looks much better as a woman. I’m still not interested but he looks better. I don’t know how I feel about it to be honest.

First before you all jump down my throat, I am not at all fussed about him/her (Whatever they identify as) being a cross-dresser or transgender, even gay or bisexual, pansexual or whatever. I couldn’t care less what people chose to define themselves as, as you all know I am not into labels so don’t really care what people identify as. However, I feel like this is not the way to reveal this information to someone that you’ve been on one date with.

I get that this topic is not an easy topic to bring up with anyone, coming out to family & friends can cause a lot of anxiety & I’ve watched a close friend, lets call her Elle, who I met on the chat app who I’ve only known as transgender, I’ve watched her finally come out to everyone on Facebook & tell their child. I was and am extremely proud of her for her bravery, however I’ve only known her as transgender, I’ve only know her as one thing, no label will define who or what she is, but the only label I care about & that is that she is my friend.

So I don’t know how I feel about this, I mean I am on a dating site, with the transgender/gay setting turned off as this is not what I am looking for, I do not want someone without a penis or someone who will steal my clothes. I get that this is not a topic you want to talk about openly with a prospective date, however, do you just blindside them with a photo a week after the date instead?

I talk to Elle about this date because I think perhaps I am in the wrong here & because it’s a difficult subject maybe I should cut the guy/girl some slack? Maybe I am being too judgemental. I mean lets be fair, I wasn’t interested in this person before this revelation, however Elle says that she thinks this person should have been honest with me prior to the date. Especially with the protection of online dating, being online, there is no reason to not be honest. & her advice is to “Fuck him off” If they were honest, then it would have been my decision & to be perfectly honest with you, I would not have gone on the date. I’m glad I never gave him my number & delete the app shortly after. I swear to god, you can’t make this shit up! Hahaha…

What do you all think? Should he have told me prior to the date?

#IBD4U

I love my readers comments on my posts, I never expected Marvel to be such intrigue! As I wrote about it last blog, I didn’t think it meant as much as it does. Or that you would all be guessing who it is…  All will be revealed! Read on to find out…

So I land in Brisbane, as soon as we’re allowed to turn on our phones as we’re taxing, I do & I check the app. I expect there to be nothing from Silverlining because I said goodbye & I love you expecting him to be offline when I land & that I’ll just send him a quick message that I have arrived safe. I have thought of our sexy afternoon the whole flight, I have thought about him the entire time. I can’t wait to get to Brisbane & message him. I also hope that somehow Motocross has sent me a message too. (However we all know how that turns out!)

To my surprise there are over 15 messages from Silverlining after I logged out, probably about an hour into my flight, he knows I wouldn’t have been able to read it until he was done… “Okay confession time.” My gut wrenches – this can’t be good “Pretty sure you suspected it” WHAT? “And I gave it away today.” OMG, what is he talking about “But I rejoined the chat app in an attempt work out if this stranger I was talking too was you.” Are you freaking kidding me? “I had my suspicions before you even talked about your Epic love. So like some kind of stalking loser. I rejoined the chat app, joined your group.” He’s even in my group?! Fucking hell “Then worked out it was you 100% as you would post in your group any time you messaged me while you were working. Well was like 90% sure at that point. Then some how accidental got some gossip on Cowboy today and told you stupidly by accident lol.” We talked about Cowboy briefly today before I shut it down “Can’t believe the douche wanted to speak to my partner about my cheating ways yet the wanker is married , with kids my age and cheating himself !!!!! I found his fucking mistress by accident lol wtf. Still trying to work out why you tried to ummm , move the conversation away from the chat app and tell me not to think about it or focus on it … You hinted that you suspected anyway. Didn’t want to look too loser and stalkerish.”  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I don’t even know what to say, I read the messages over & over until I have to get off the plane. I close the app & get off the plane, my heart pounding & feeling like such a fool.

Let’s break this down. Ok so he’s on the chat app but as who? (I gave it away last blog hahaha… He’s Marvel, but I don’t actually know this yet!) But Silverlining has said multiple times that he is “staying so far away from the chat app” so far away, his words! “Keeping my ass away from there, I made too many enemies etc” blah blah blah. Yet he’s been on there for 26 days as Marvel… Fucking prick. He’s also been in my group this whole time stalking me, I don’t know if I can say this is catfishing because he didn’t really chat in the group & I didn’t reply to his private message – which was only sent just before I flew out that I ignored anyway. But what the fuck is this… He’s been on the chat app, the thing he swore he was staying away from & has now been chatting to Cowboys mistress?!

So to give you some more information about Cowboy, when Silverlining & I were between sex (or making love for those who prefer that) today, he started talking about Cowboy, a guy from the chat app that hated Silverlining & who I ended up fucking after it ended with Silverlining the first time, because I was trying to get back at him… Cowboy begged me fore Silverlining’s partners chat app account to talk to her, I came close to giving it to him, so close, but I didn’t…  But now to find out that Cowboy is also married & has kids the same age as Silverlining just pisses me off. To be fair, I never asked if he was single, he lives in a small country town, it was never going to be a relationship anyway but he should’ve told me he was married. But I mean the guy was sending pictures of himself to my friend while on a date with me, so he is the biggest douche to walk the earth… This just confirms it… However that’s not even the point, Silverlining was talking about him today & I kept trying to change the subject, he asked me why I didn’t want to talk about Cowboy & my reasons were two fold. I didn’t want to tell him that I fucked him (& I don’t tell him that reason) but I also didn’t want to waste the little time I have Silverlining face to face talking about some douche canoe that we both don’t like – which is what I tell him.

But what fucks me off most about this revelation is that Silverlining is not only on the app stalking me for the past 26 days, but he is clearly in other groups chatting to other people! I always knew he chats to other people, that’s not why it bothers me, I chat to others too, so that doesn’t bother me – I can’t be pissed off about that. It bothers me because he categorically said that he was staying away from the chat app. I get that he wanted to find out who I was & obviously if I get time on breaks at work or am between things that I use my phone, I check all the apps, write to him & post in the group for example – so he could work out it was me. So he could go on the app & stalk me, a little weird but ok, I get it. But for him to join other groups & start chatting to other people, OH MY GOD that just fucks me off, I don’t even know what to say about this now… The most amazing afternoon spent intimate & sexy with him has just been shattered.

I put my phone in my handbag, go get my suitcase & meet my friend who’s picking me up. I don’t message Silverlining to tell him that I am safely in QLD. I am too angry & need some time to simmer down. I cannot believe this! I try to enjoy my time with my friend & her family but when I go to bed, I stare at his messages for so long, trying to work out what to say about this… I’m honestly not as angry as I was, I am starting to think it’s kind of cute that he’s on the app trying to work out who I was as the stranger. But I am annoyed about the fact he’s joining other groups after saying he needs to stay away from the app. I’ve been using this anon app with him because I didn’t think he’d go on the chat app again from what bullshit he’s spun me & it turns out, I’ve had this app open all day everyday waiting for messages because I don’t get notifications. “Wow… ok… No I didn’t know at all or suspect that. I saw that you had the chat app on your phone today when you looked for the calculator but I just assumed cos you have joint itunes account & she still has it on her phone that it came up on your phone… Have you tried to talk to me on the chat app?” This is what I suspect he’s Marvel, I knew there was something about that message about that account “I tried to move the conversation from talking Cowboy & the chat app because I didn’t want to waste time talk about shit that doesn’t matter… I can’t believe that you’re on the chat app stalking me… I don’t even know what to say TBH.” I put my phone down & refuse to look at it. I don’t know if I am hurt, I don’t know how I feel about this. Like I said, him being on there isn’t a problem, I have been hinting for him to join so I can get notifications again, but I didn’t think he’d be in other groups chatting to other people… People that used to know us too…!

No words seem right to describe how I feel right now, I am frustrated, annoyed, angry, I feel slightly violated & stupid. But I don’t know how I should feel about this. Of course I check the app when I wake up & there is 10 messages from him at 6:30 am, then 2 more at 7:45am, because he’s constantly thinking about me. “I literally signed up for the chat app for one reason…. It was to confirm or deny if the stranger was you. I was going to keep my ass away from the chat app I can assure you haha”  So then why are you chatting in other groups Douche? “Fuck as if you saw I even had the chat app on my phone. My partner has the chat app on her phone but I deleted the app ages ago on the record , but yeah it’s easier to chat on the anonymous app to you than the chat app and she knows about the chat app and will check my phone regularly for it but has no idea what the anonymous app is and I can hide it in my apps with no notifications.” She’s still checking his phone? I don’t know how these two live like this – though why am I putting up with this shit too? “Well at least I told you eventually and was honest about it.” That makes it ok? “You were reminding me too much of a chick I know I couldn’t resist … Turns out I didn’t need to stalk you in groups. Your over sharing best friend ways with me told me 100 Times more than anything I could get from groups. I signed up the 2^nd day I was chatting to you I think. It wasn’t meant to be malicious.”  Yeah I get that it wasn’t meant to be malicious… I get why he did it, I get how his mind works, too stubborn to just ask me if I was me, so he had to stalk me. However like I said, it’s the chatting to other people, being in other groups when he said he only joined to find out if I was the stranger. So why did he need to join other groups & chat privately to other people if that were true? Am I being too sensitive here?! I am over thinking this, I don’t want to be angry about it…

At 7:45 am I get “Oh yeah good morning. And I have a question … is fucking me and … worse still … hugging and cuddling me … is that just making things worse for you or helping you?”  As if I can have that conversation with him about what this is doing to me while I am still angry about him being on the chat app… FUCK… There is too much going on for me to have a straight head so I wait a few hours to reply. I’m not sure my head is any clearer when I reply, however I reply “Morning… I try not to look at your phone, even though you use it constantly around me, because I don’t like to stalk or be untrusting of people. I figure if they want me to know, they’ll tell me. But I’ve already told you this, as I never looked up your partner or MC for that matter. I only overshared because I knew it was you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have even talked about our story… Have you sent me a PM on the chat app? I’m assuming you did yesterday, you’re Marvel right?” I knew it was him, I had a fucking feeling about the account when I saw it, I just knew. I never thought it was his partner, apparently she doesn’t know how to use the app that well – albeit she can apparently hack Facebook to look at my private photos, but she can’t work out how to find groups by typing in the group search function that comes up when you join ‘Adelaide’ & ta da, all the Adelaide groups come up! FUCK SAKE.

He tells me I’m an idiot for trusting people, that I shouldn’t trust anyone, I should look up MC & it makes sense to me that he never told his partner off for looking me up when he thinks it’s ok. I just say also that I won’t go into detail but things are different this time & the sex with hugging & cuddles is not a problem for me. He asks me to elaborate but I don’t. I don’t tell him that he makes it very clear that he isn’t leaving her without saying it, he still tells me how much he loves me of course & I believe it, I feel his love when I’m with him. However I still have this niggling feeling they have gotten married already. It hurts me to think about it & I adore this man & want him all to myself but I also know that this isn’t our time. He’s not committed to her & if he left her, he couldn’t commit to me, not now maybe not ever. But I know we need to go through this, both of us need to go through this for the second time. I don’t know what the reason is, but somehow we’ve been pulled together again & I need to see this though.

He tells me that he is Marvel & that Cowboy’s mistress has added him to her private group, which actually fucks me off even more! He’s been on there 26 fucking days & in her private group?! He asks me again if I fucked him & I ignore it, I mean I’m assuming he’s only asking because he knows the answer. He says that he’s on the anon app more than the chat app but says if I want notifications, I can message him on there. I say “funny how you say you’re staying so far away from the chat app, yet are PMing other people in 26 days…” He replies “Jealous much?” which fucking makes me laugh, I mean am I jealous? Why am I jealous of this fuckwit chatting to other people? I mean he’s got a fucking partner, what difference does it make if he chats to other people? He says that it’s my fault he joined “My fault? You could’ve just asked me on the anon app who I was. Not joined groups. Not PMed on there”  I don’t want to be upset about this, I am not his partner trying to control him, but I can express me opinion “Are you legit angry with me?”  I guess I’m not legitimately angry. It just sucks he has limited time online & he spends it wanting to chat to others as well, however, this is who he is. I say that I am not angry but I just find it interesting. I really have no right to be angry here, I know he has a partner, I know he chats online, I chat online too… So I send a picture of a bruise & caption it “I’d never get away with cheating…”  I bruise so easily with him, I don’t even know how I got it, it’s on my chest but small & round. We talk about sex & how hot the afternoon was, I mean I don’t want to spend the little time I have with him fighting about bullshit. I know he wouldn’t trust anyone to be at his house so I know he’s not fucking anyone else… I send naughty pictures to guys I’ve talked to for a long time like Dom Dom & J-Lo, so I can’t really be angry & I don’t want to be angry. I don’t know how long I will have with Silverlining & I don’t want my next regret to be that I spent this time fighting with him for something I have done myself.

#IBD4U

It’s interesting looking back on this & realising how fucked up this is, not only am I midst affair number two with a man I am in love with & have been in love with for almost three years, but I am meeting him at his house… Remember that his phone is tracked, she even pings it when she doesn’t trust he’s where he says he is. This means of course we’re limited to where we can meet. I have had sex in their bed once but neither of us will risk that this time. I also realise now how fucked up it is that his kid is asleep in the next room – I mean parents have sex with their kids in the next room all the time, or there would be no siblings I guess, however I’m not sure that people have had affairs with their kid in the next room? This also isn’t the first time I have fucked him at his house while his kid sleeps. At the time when this was happening, I didn’t think it was weird, I was just thinking with my vagina, knowing that I was able to see him, I didn’t think anything by it. But regardless, right or wrong, weird or normal, I have done it, twice. I am at his house in sexy lingerie while his kid sleeps. But really, in the scheme of fucked up things I have done, I’m not even sure what is the front runner? Everything in this whole story is all kinds of fucked up.

Another thing before we get into the sexy NSFW part of the story, when I see him, I make sure I take notice of his hand… I don’t know why but I just have this feeling that they have gotten married, but there is no ring on his finger & there doesn’t seem to be a dent in his finger from where a ring would have been, that’s he’s taken off to fuck me. Surely they wouldn’t have gotten married after being together for 12 years now at this point, maybe even 13 years, going through an infidelity saga then coming out of it to get married. I never ask him either, I don’t know if I could handle the answer to be perfectly honest. But I have a feeling.

My most favourite thing, possibly what keeps me going back is the passion & the look in his eyes, I love that look when he sees me in lingerie more than anything in the world, that look like roger rabbit when his eyes pop out of his head. He’s naked & I’m close to naked standing there in his doorway kissing with such abandon. Our hands are everywhere. It never gets old, we never lose this undeniable passion for each other. He pushes me to my knees which turns us both on & forces me to suck his cock, this rough play always turns us on even more. I know he loves it, I love it & I suck his cock on my knees in lingerie while he thrusts his hips into me, fucking my face & I love when he then grabs my hair & pulls it a little, helping me to suck his cock better. The noises he makes when he makes me suck his cock, the little moans I make against his cock I know he feels, he’s told me before… I use my hands to rub his cock as I suck & it makes him moan even more. When he’s close to cumming, I can tell because he bends over trying to get his cock out of my mouth but also he doesn’t want me to stop, but I know he doesn’t want to cum yet either. We move over to the couch in his games area & he pushes me on the couch to use the white vibe on me, he edges me so many times that I am hating him for not letting me cum that I beg him to let me cum, I even say that I can cum more than once for him & want too, I pull the puppy dog eyes, I start calling him a prick & asshole nothing works till he finally lets me cum & I cum hard & for a long time. He then lays me down length ways on the couch, grabs a condom, slides it on & then fucks me, we both make this noise when his cock enters me, like a moan & a sigh all rolled into one noise, a noise that is just like relief, the thing we’ve wanted since I got here 30 minutes ago. I’ve wanted his cock inside me, feeling his weight on top of me. We are fucking hard, our hands everywhere, I ask him where he wants to cum & he says his usual “Don’t say that” which turns me on more & makes me ask him more, till he pulls out of me, takes the condom off & cums on my leg. He says he’s been trying to hold on for so long but didn’t want to cum on my leg. He sits up & we sit there chatting.

He tells me while we’re cuddling, having a breather, while we’re sitting there between sex, that his partner after the first time we had sex sat in his games area, that she never sits on this couch or goes over here but for some reason during the last couple of days since I was there last, she sat here. I will admit that it crosses my mind to leave a bit of condom wrapper down the side of the couch, it’ll be found one day, he might tell her it was there for years but he only created this games area since ending with me the first time, so I don’t know if she’d believe it… But she seems to believe a lot of bullshit he spins. OMG, I want to leave a snippet of condom wrapper. It would be so easy, I could 100% deny that I did it on purpose, it would genuinely seem as a accident, especially since I did take the used condom & wrapper last time we fucked. This could be genius! However, because I am who I am, I don’t, I pick up everything again & take it all home with me. I mean I even have this thought with an earring or something else but I don’t want to lose anything. So I don’t. However, fast forward a few days, after this time Silverlining tells me that on her day off when he was at work, she moved all the couches around & the one he had in the games area has now been moved into the lounge room & he has the other couch. OMG, imagine if I had of left the condom wrapper?! I wonder what would of happened, in a way I am glad it’s just crazy thoughts for me, that I never actually do it. Sometimes I wish I was crazy because then I might get what I want just once.

I know I have to leave soon, so I want to fuck him again, I start rubbing his cock & make him hard again, it’s pretty easy to do when I kiss his neck & ears, he loves that, almost like no one has ever done it to him the way he reacts. It makes him hard easily, I straddle his lap, still in lingerie, his cock hard between us, While there is a barrier there, we have pretty much rubbed up against each other so much we would have anything that the other had, but I am kissing him, struggling so much to want to stop & put a condom on, but struggling with the fact I know how it feels when his bare cock is deep inside me. I want that feeling… I am struggling so much with his decision as I kiss him & bob up & down on his lap, I rock back & forth, up & down – his hands on my ’tiny little waist’ as he calls it, helping me move up & down. FUCK I have never struggled with a decision like this before. I am usually careful, but I want his cock & I want it bare… I look at him & he is giving me a look like he wants it too, which makes it harder to stop, I growl fuck as I get off his lap & get a condom… Literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do during sex!

He pushes me off him once I’ve cum riding him, to lie on the couch again & he takes my hands & ties them up in the velcro restraints that I brought with me & goes down on me, fingering me till I cum against his face & hands again. JESUS… I am wet & dripping for him that he pulls me up off the couch, I am standing my tiny 5”3 stature against his 6’1, he kisses me but easily turns me around & bends me over the couch, he starts to take me from behind, but I am so wet that he slides easily into my ass, I love that feeling when he doesn’t mean to do it but it happens, I tell him that he’s in my ass & he says fuck really loudly as we fuck really hard, I cum again while being fucked & rubbing my own clit. I haven’t had my ass fucked for so long, I do love it every now & then, fuck it feels good!

Once we’re done, get goes to clean himself up & I sit back on the couch knowing I still have about 45 minutes before I have to leave & probably before his daughter wakes up. We sit there talking, cuddling, touching & seriously just spending time being very intimate. I love this time with him but I want him one more time before I leave, so I kneel between his legs & start sucking his cock from soft. I didn’t often see it soft before today, he was always hard around me & we always had a short time together. As I start getting him semi hard, I hear a noise & I think it’s his kid but I keep going, then it gets louder & he says “Fuck, never have kids” We laugh & he walks in her room, hoping to just put her back to sleep, I doubt this plan is going to work. I sit on the couch not knowing what to do. He goes to the kitchen & makes her a bottle of milk & takes it into her but she keeps making noise, so I start getting dressed when he says “She’s not going to tell anyone” & goes & gets her out of her room, puts her in the other lounge room with YouTube & makes her a quick snack then comes over to me again. I’m getting dressed, picking up all the evidence, scrambling to find my clothes. His daughter is only 18 months old & just woken up, obviously seen me & doesn’t want to stay in the lounge room, I am picking up my handbag when she comes over to me with her bottle. I love seeing Silverling with her, but this is a bit weird. When she turns back to the tv, I quickly kiss him goodbye – not wanting her to see to scar her, he says sorry for her waking up & says thank you. I leave feeling a little weird being the way that just ended.

I am starving after fucking him, my appetite is back, that I pull into hungry jacks & get a burger, I look at the app & there is a message from him “You’re the best I ever had” FUCK ME! That was unexpected. I tell him that he’s the best I ever had & that I just had a burger & am on my way to the airport. He says “Good girl. If I fuck You more you’ll eat more lol” I say “Now who’s thirsty for more…” I know that he wants me more, I don’t even need to hear it. He replies “Err ummm. Boundaries. You know what was hot for me. Just your face about how bad you wanted to fuck me without a condom. When your about to ride me. Hope I didn’t pull that look every time I put my dick in” he says that I’m lucky he’s not a terrible person because he thinks if he had’ve pushed me on the idea, I would’ve fucked him without a condom & he’s right if he said something like just ride me or something, I would have just fucked him, I mean by that point, if he has anything, I would already have it. But he says that he respects my wishes even though he’s a jerk. I will admit & I do say that it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, stop & put it on him. He says “It was so sexy even tho it was frustrating hahahaha”

I also tell him that it was super cute seeing him with his daughter as I rushed to get dressed like in record time. I really didn’t want to be there when he was being a dad, but of course my clothes are all over the house & I have to find my shoes, get the condoms, get the fuck out of there. He says that he doesn’t want me to see his dad side, but I think it makes him hotter being a dad, seeing him as a dad. I mean I have seen him with his kids before when they were at my house but he was busy messaging her all day while I held the baby & his son played on the ipad all day, so I didn’t see him really be a dad. This was the first time. I fucking love seeing that side of him.

At the airport I get a message on the chat app Silverling & I originally met on 3 years ago that I haven’t been using much because I am on the anonymous app all the time chatting to him, but there is a new private message from someone who we’ll call Marvel, who joined the group I run the other day & he says “Hey there Hottie” I don’t think much of it, usually I delete people out of the group who randomly private message, but I don’t, I don’t know what it is but there is something about this account that stops me, even though he hasn’t chatted & only been on the app for 28 days…. I ignore the message because I get new messages from randoms daily that I ignore & board the plane. Once in my seat, I tell Silverlining that I will message when I get to Brisbane, we say the usual love you goodbyes & I say thank you for today with a smiley face as a joke. & I settle into the plane seat for my flight to Brisbane, happy & smug… I haven’t had time to shower, I wonder if the person next to me can smell the sex permeating from my skin?!

#IBD4U

While I think that all my blog posts are NSFW (Not safe for work) you read at your own risk at work (hopefully not on your work computers! Hahaha) You should probably take this as a blanket warning that all Silverlining posts are probably NSFW anymore! Hehehe… ENJOY!

I wake up to a few messages from him “Morning sexy bitch. Like legit Sexy bitch. So I was thinking Thursdays around lunch time at my house was would be the best times” I got my dates confused with him too he thought I was away Wednesday but I don’t actually fly out till Thursday night. I smile because last night when he logged off around 10:00 pm when he got home from work, he was saying that he’ll see what he can do, this morning at 6:30 am, he’s giving me options when I can come see him! I say I’d have to leave his house tomorrow around 2:00 pm to make it to the airport on time & he says that he’s only available from about 11:30 am to 2:00 pm when his daughter sleeps. I don’t want to get too excited so I just say to see how he goes & he says sure thing, exactly what I said last night so I call him a fuckwit. I can’t help but smile at the fact that he has clearly woken up early & thinking about how he can see me again, this week before I go to Brisbane. He makes me smile one minute & then I can be reminded so easily that this man is not mine, that this man will never be mine.

When I call him a fuckwit he tells me that I love it, which I do love his douchy side, I don’t know why. “Especially when I edge you” he has been the only man that has ever edged me to the point I am so close & don’t cum, I mean I can’t even do it to myself, I can’t stop. He stops & I call him a prick, which he loves & I then become a brat & try to rub my own clit, it’s a little game we play but it’s fucking hot & makes me cum so fucking hard. I tell him that I hate it when he does that – I mean it’s a love hate relationship with edging, it’s so frustrating but is so good when he finally makes me cum, “Your pussy cumming hard for over a minute tells me otherwise” I did cum very hard & for a long time. I hadn’t cum like that in 18 months & it felt good, so good that when he pulled his fingers out of me, they were dripping with my cum, to the point that if I was with someone random & saw his fingers, I would have been self conscious, but I know that he would have loved it. “I’ve never seen the wetness on my fingers like that, Turned me on so much lol” I remember that it was sticky & creamy & when he pulled his fingers out of me, they were coated in my cum & as I was lying there in the split second I was about to feel embarrassed, he stuck his fingers in his mouth & sucked it off. He says that he’s never pulled his fingers out of someone before & witnessed their wetness when he pulled apart his fingers. He tells me he’s hard which isn’t a surprise, I am turned on when we talk about how hot our sex was too. I tell him that I was a little embarrassed & he says that I shouldn’t ever be embarrassed, I am sexy as hell, with my little moans & wet cunt.

He also tells me that he was expecting me to be fatter than I am. He says that I talked my gut up so much that he was expecting me to be fatter than I was when we were together. In fact I have lost a bit of weight, he says that I am legit sexy & I shouldn’t worry about what I look like. He starts talking about my ass too & then I can’t decide if he’s a tits or ass man, most guys you can tell but he’s all over both of mine that I can’t tell which he prefers.

We get onto the topic of affair number two, the elephant in the room, the thing we shouldn’t be doing. He says that I shouldn’t be talking to him or fucking him or worse of all cuddling with him. It’s his subtle way of reminding me that he is not leaving her, in fact it makes me feel like they actually got married… Surely not?! But nevertheless, it reminds me that he is not leaving her & never will. I say that it’s ok, that its somehow different this time. I can’t explain it to him really but I know it is, he seems to be able to explain it better than I can, saying that we’re more honest this time that we aren’t holding back with our feelings. I say that it won’t change our situation but yeah that’s what I mean. When this is over, I won’t regret knowing I gave it my all & he doesn’t believe my love for him, then I can’t doubt what I had with him. He tells me I held back all the fantasises of wanting to live with him, how much I loved him, how much I wanted his kids in my life & how madly in love I was with him. However, again, I say that it wouldn’t have made a difference. She pulled a stunt he couldn’t walk away from, I don’t even think he would have left her if I was pregnant after that. There was nothing I could have done to show him the life he would have with me because she knew the one thing he fears is his kids not having their parents around when they’re growing up.

He reminds me about the day that I had him all to myself & slept the whole day because I ate a weed cupcake with Origin. He’s about to go offline for the night & he’s picking a fight with me, telling me that he was pissed off so much so that he almost ghosted me, but he was already having feelings for me that he didn’t. We are having a fight about he people that we wanted way back when in 2017 when we first met on the chat app & then he says “Anyways I must go. As always it was good chatting to you” I laugh out loud. He says “Chat later x. Maybe see you tomorrow” I smile & say yes that I love him. He doesn’t say it back but then sends “Love you too… Dammit” I laugh & he’s gone…

So I wake up trying to not be excited about seeing him again today however, I can’t help myself but pick up my phone & look straight at the app for his good morning message, which is there “Morning sexy ass” & I laugh & write back sleepily “Morning Cutie Pie” to which he says he is not cute nor a pie, but I remind him of the cream pies that he’s given me before. He tells me off for turning him on & asks why he is dying to fuck me again. I try to play it cool, I have to wait for him to invite me over. But as I get home from the gym & shower, I pay careful attention to what I put on. A white body suit lingerie, getting ready in a cute outfit ready to possibly see him again today.

He’s busy chatting turning himself on about the fact that I’ve gotten better at sucking cock, he says I was average before but now I am amazing. Well he always told me I was amazing, so I don’t know how I’ve gotten better, I’ve barely sucked any cock since his. He tells me that I improved his kissing & oral skills, which just pisses me off because I made him better for someone else, who didn’t really want him until I did. I tell him that I am not better than I was, that he’s probably only getting average head & he says that she’s good which makes my gut wrench, I hate hearing about what she does for him now. He says that he was close to cumming the whole time I was sucking his cock & I say that he should’ve cum on my face. But then say “Though I suppose it’s not as exciting as it once was, now you can do it all the time” & he tells me what I knew would happen, that she doesn’t let him do… They did it once a long time again & they haven’t done it since – what a fucking surprise… NOT.

As if to change the subject he says “Still on for 11:30” I smirk like a dick & need to stop thinking about their sex life, so I tell him that I will have more than one condom with me today in the mood strikes us. I tell him that I want to cum before I come over & he says I can then changes his mind & says I can’t until I get there. I tell him I am going to rape him when I get there & he laughs at me. I ask him what he would like me to bring for us to use if the mood strikes, I know he doesn’t like planning but he says that he likes my little white vibe & something to tie my hands up with!

As I’m getting ready, not only to go fuck him, I am also packing to go to QLD later today, my friend from KI rocks up at my house. I lie my ass off to her about where I am going, not only because I can’t tell anyone I am fucking Silverlining again but I also don’t want to hear the judgement. I know this is fucked up & I’m going to be hurt, I don’t need to hear that from anyone. I get rid of my friend by saying I’m going to lunch with my sister being it’s her 40^th while I’m away (didn’t plan that fucking well, but I did throw her a surprise party since she didn’t want a party with a few close friends last weekend) but I tell him I am on my way & he says that he better put his daughter to bed. I message when I get there because I am not sure she’s asleep, I don’t know how long it takes an 18 month old to go to sleep in the day but he writes back that she’s asleep & I should come inside.

I am shaking with excitement, nervousness & trepidation. I mean being at their house is always a risk obviously, she could rock up home any second. He told me that she has just rocked up home on his days off before because she thinks he’s cheating on her still… But ironically she doesn’t think I know where they live, so I don’t know why she thinks I have been there before. He says he’s denied that I’ve been to their house before. So I’m confused what she thinks to be honest, but whatever, I am at their house, in lingerie with a vibrator, condoms & a set of velcro hand restraints in my handbag…

I will admit that as I walk in & I see the piles of crap, an old mattress, toys & other shit piled up outside that I never really noticed before, I mean I only ever really came here at night before but I notice what a messy house or yard they have, it’s not like a hoarders paradise but it’s just crap that they haven’t thrown away. Their house is messy & over crowded, there is 4 people living in a house that is smaller than mine, so I get it but there are bookshelves overflowing & there is always a clothes drying rack in the lounge room full of clothes. They also use the air vents in the ceiling as a hanging space for drying clothes on hangers. I even notice the top of their fridge which is fill of crap, boxes of cereals & protein containers that I wonder how the fuck she even found my panties, unless he had them at the front.

But I don’t have much time to look around, nor do I really care about what his house looks like or soak up the surrounds as he’s kissing me, with such desire, I can feel it. Feel how much he wants me, not just because his cock is instantly hard, but with his touch, with his kiss, with his eyes, his eyes always give him away with me!

#IBD4U

So with Motocross over, we travel back to get up to date with the Silverlining story – well it’s still the day of the hot hot sex. I put my phone down because I just feel like shit, I have just seen this man, made love to him in the hot sexy way we know how & hugged him, touched him, kissed him & then he pushed me out the door to go smooth things over with his partner & then told me about it… FFS.

I know I have no right to be pissed off, but I am. I know I have no right to be upset about how things go down, how much attention I get from him & how much he is offline with his family, I signed up for this, I know everytime I’ve been involved with this man what I get from him, what my end of the bargain is. I also knew the second affair with him wouldn’t be easy or would he take as many risks as he did before. She knows he cheated now I’m sure she’s on the look out for similar signs & he’s more cautious. My brain is screaming constantly, run away, run away! But my heart is pulling me back yet again, my stupid heart. That stupid chemistry you read last Silverlining post is what keeps me going back, this man I loved for the last two and a half years is pulling me back in & I am stupidly allowing it. If I were you, I would be giving the same advice, GET OUT NOW. But while you’re in it, it’s not that easy, trust me!

Because I am not writing back to his message, which is obviously out of character for me & after what he’s just said to me, he knows I’m sulking, so he posts on my post about fucking 26 men & has changed his name to the nickname I used & said “Still the best eh?” I get a notification for replies to the post but not to chats. So I look at the post & realise it’s him & can’t fucking help myself from smiling at him trying to get my attention, knowing I would be pissed off. Fuck, why am I so pathetic when it comes to him?

I tell him he’s a fucking idiot & he says rumour has it you fucked him today. I am still pissed off so I write back that it was an accident. I used to always say this to my friend, that I accidentally fucked this guy on the weekend & she was always asking how you could accidentally fuck someone. Well I didn’t plan to fuck the guy so it was an accident that I did… I wasn’t supposed to fuck Silverlining, even though I knew we would, so wasn’t entirely an accident as I usually describe, because I wanted to fuck him more than anything. “Tripped & fell on his dick?” I laugh & hate myself for letting my walls come down when I am angry with him. He calls me out on a technicality of saying condom not condoms & says that I must be spewing he didn’t fuck me more than once. I say that he mustn’t know me at all if he thinks I would only bring one & that I would only want to be fucked once. “I want to know… How after 18 months of not fucking, 12 months of not talking, how the fuck did we cum together today… Jesus Christ!” I ask because there is no way he makes love with her like that. She didn’t even cum with him for 10 years. We haven’t seen each other in 18 fucking months & are still so in tune with each other that we cum together… Who has actually ever cum with their partner while fucking? I’ll say it’s very bloody rare, he’s the only one I’ve ever done it with & it didn’t happen often. He says that I was fidgeting, fucking him back & moaning too much that it turned him on that he couldn’t stop himself cumming. “Hahaha it’s so fucking sexy when you can’t control yourself and you just have to fuck me back even know I’ve stopped. Fuck I love that” He says that he wanted me to ride him & was planning on fucking my ass too but he came & he didn’t think I had more condoms with me. I say that I wasn’t going to let him fuck my ass because I believe that a guy has to earn the best from me, those type of things, cumming on my face or fucking my ass, they need to earn it. “Oh come on. If I wanted it , I could have had it !” Fuck I hate that he’s right, I never would have stopped him from doing anything to me that he wanted.

He says it was too awkward to he didn’t ask me for another condom & enjoyed just hugging me instead, I mean the sex, yes it was a mistake, but hugging him & sitting on the couch with our limbs intertwined was probably the biggest mistake ever. I felt the love, I felt the connection, I loved his arms around me. I felt home.

I try to change the subject by telling him I had a first with him today, how the fuck after all this time do I still have firsts & of course he reminds me how many men I’ve fucked since him that I would have a first with him… Well I did. I tell him that when he was shoving his cock down my throat – his supposedly small cock – that he made me almost vomit. I say that it was kind of gross but turned me on a lot, especially the amount of times he made me gag, which I know he loves. But I’ve never taken a cock so deep that my tummy heaves! I’ve gaged a lot of his cock but never so I tasted stomach bile. He says it turns him on to hear me struggle & gag on his cock too, but he’s surprised that it turns me on. I tell him not to question it. Hahaha… It’s probably best we all don’t question the weird things that turn me on with him!

As we talk about how I used to fake my confidence with him & how I fake confidence with other men, he says that he doesn’t believe me. He told me in the car that I was the best he’s ever had & he knows that he’s the best I’ve ever had but he doesn’t think he sees a different side to me than other guys get to see, but that’s because I am now confident with him & knows how he feels. However I still struggled in the car to make a move on him, even though I knew that he wanted me, I could see it in his eyes, yet I couldn’t reach out & touch him first.

I’ve told him a few times that the guys since him, sometimes I haven’t cum at all from them “I struggle with the concept of you not cumming from sex. I mean it’s a challenge when your in a bad mood. Which makes it fun sometimes. But maybe that’s just me” I only remember being shitty a couple of times & telling him I wouldn’t be able to cum that night & he would find a way to make me cum “yeah if you were shitty at me I would have to pull out all the moves to make you fucking cum” I remind him that not all women cum from a dick & some men don’t do anything but stick their dick in – aka Motocross. But he says that he tries to make me cum no matter what. I don’t think there were many times that I didn’t cum with him. I struggled the last time we fucked when she made him take a picture of himself at the gym & he got back in the car, I felt like a fucking twat that I didn’t think he’d make me cum, I was sulking & horny but fucked off. But he worked hard to make me cum & to be honest, if he didn’t make me cum that night, I probably would have been even more pissed off. I guess that night I saw how whipped he was & he says “Yeah the net was closing in at that point” I mean he’d also been pulling away from me, not coming online for hours on end, not chatting because they were home with the baby. He even remembers the Saturday I tried to end it with him but as we sat there for lunch I couldn’t do it, I was too in live with him & we ended up fucking over my kitchen bench “That time I felt like you were really serious about it and was going to do it.” I remind him that I was crying all morning over him & then saw him & couldn’t do it then asked him to fuck me. “That was my fault tho , I felt like you were going to break up with me so I was like fuck it, I’m going to bend her over in the kitchen and fuck her” It was what I needed, he hadn’t fucked me in ages (a week) & I was horny & feeling unloved.

I say that I was not planning on fucking him today but I say I want him again before I go back to work, that I am currently using my vibrator again to make myself cum as he’s still turning me on & then give him a list of the days I would be free, he annoyingly says that he’ll see what he can do, I say sure thing & he tells me not to get shitty at him, I am not shitty – well I guess I am a little, he says “Your so cute sometimes tho hahaha” I have no idea what I have done to be cute, but he knows me well, I am a little pissed he just said he’ll see. I mean he was right before when he asked that the fuck I see in him & why I put up with this shit… But I guess what we need to remember, is at least I know what I am getting with Silverlining. He has limited time on line, he has limited time to see me, he’s not leaving her, she’s made that impossible for him to even if he wanted too, I know what I have got myself into here & at least it’s honest. Not like Motocross who fuck knows what he’s thinking or doing. (Obviously you know what happens there now, but at this time in the timeline, Motocross has actually only rung me this afternoon to tell me he’s thinking of coming to Brisbane!) It’s fake, it’s a lie, it’s stringing me along to believe it’s something that it’s not. Not that Motocross made any promises to me, but he lead me to believe that we were starting something… Silverlining while he’s given me hope in some things he says, I know that he’ll never leave her. He says I’m cute a few times, that he’ll be offline soon, “Love you loser. Chat again soon cutie. Night x” & I say love you too then he’s gone. I feel a bit shit so I just go to sleep content that I have seen, made love & cuddled with the man I am madly in love with today.

#IBD4U

I bet you all thought the Motocross story was over, but it’s not! hahaha… I’m not sure this gives you any more answers than what we had, but nevertheless, there is another post on this dude.

So we’re still jumping ahead here – a week later, I am using snapchat a lot more than I ever do, I am taking pictures of all sorts of shit & posting to my story mainly to see if Motocross is looking. He looks at every single snapchat that I post to my story, generally he’s always the first one to look at them… No matter what time of day, he looks at it first. Why did he even bother to message me?! I figure there is no harm in asking, I mean it’ll probably all be lies anyway, but why not ask. I’m over this stupid thing I had for him so why not just ask & see what the fuck he is thinking – I think about messaging him lot but I never do it.

One night I am driving out of my street to a Christmas dinner, where I get seated opposite Doppleganger from the gym FFS (He’s so fucking nice, I want to hate him but I can’t!). I see Motocross driving his car literally past my road, I pull out behind him & change the way I was going to the restaurant to see if it was him – it was. I wonder what he’s still doing in Adelaide. If his story is true. It’s passed the 5 December when he said he was leaving… Why is he still here? I decide a few days later to just fucking ask him! “Can I ask you a question? Why did you want to say sorry to me if you weren’t going to ever try to see me again?”  I don’t understand this guy at all, why did he go out of his way to message me, to say sorry for not talking to just ignore me, when he’s clearly still in Adelaide! “I was planning on seeing you again. Unfortunately I became really busy packing the my pop pasted away & just ran out of time” His pop passed away – yes he wrote pasted. Hahaha – not funny about his pop  of course but funny the words he can spell & the words he misspells. I roll my eyes because as if this is true, however, I play the condolence card again – just like I did with his dog… “Sorry to hear about your pop. You have to have a lot of family things going on… When did you go back?” I wonder if he saw me driving on Saturday night & I can catch him out in a lie?! I’m hoping that I will be able to catch him out in a lie finally & say something. “Yeah thanks its been coming for some time Unfortunately just would’ve picked it yet that’s all. Nah no family problems that was it. I left on Monday.” Didn’t his cousin have a stroke & his dog died, now his pop died… All of this in the three months that he was staying in Adelaide?! Doesn’t this sound like Noddy & how much shit he had happen in the three months he knew me too… Why am I the magnet to drama filled idiot guys? So at least Motocross didn’t lie about still being here & his story is plausible that he left after I saw him driving, so he either saw me on Saturday or he really did go back Monday.

I look at the time & realise that in LA it would be like 3:00 am, I google the time & I’m right… “Is it like stupid o’clock over there? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Considering the amount of times he fell asleep on my couch at like 10:00 pm, as if he is awake at 3:00 am LA time. “It’s 2:54am here yeah my brother called & forgot the time difference apparently. I’m fair tired yeah sorry” So he’s probably googled the time or this is true… Can I even believe this story & why am I trying? “Right, I’ll let you sleep… Bit of a shame how things worked out with you though TBH.” He doesn’t read it till the next day when I wake up there is another message for me… So now he knows I’m suspicious he needs to be careful about when he writes back. “What do you mean how things worked out with me” I want to say more to him, I want to be really honest & get some answers from him “Just how somethings didn’t add up & that’s when you ghosted me… Just sucks cos I trusted you” I hate that I trusted this guy, that I really liked this guy, & I hate so much that Silverlining was right – he was right about Cowboy & he was right about Motocross, that I am still trying to make it work with Motocross even though he’s clearly not interested. How desperate am I, FFS?! He says he didn’t ghost me, that he just ran out of time. He starts calling me on snapchat, I didn’t even know that was a thing, I am at work so I don’t answer, then he says sorry he wasn’t meant to call me. Fucking hell. I say that I am pissed that I said I’d leave it with him & then never heard from him again. He replies “I’m not the best at replying or responding to people unfortunately. I’m not the sorta person that just sleeps with someone then that’s it even tho it seems that way I did feel really bad for not talking sooner I thought about it a lot if you really wanna know just didn’t know what to say tbh”  I say that I’m annoyed I trusted him & slept with him so quickly & without a condom no less. He says that he didn’t think it wasn’t me who was the problem & then says “I’m just gonna stay single!” RIGHITO then!

He says he’s really sorry that I’m really funny & thanks for the sharknado memories. I then ask why is he still replying so much (& with long messages) if he’s not interested in me. He asks why I think he’s not interested & I say just a vibe I get from you & he never replies again. Oh good, this old chestnut!

A few months later, I have a weird dream about him & when I wake up without thinking, I text his Australian phone number – I’m not even sure why I do or why it happens so suddenly, maybe I’m still a bit asleep & not thinking straight, but I text saying I had a dream about him & I in hospital together but he never replies… Either he just ignored it because he needs to pretend he doesn’t have that number anymore or he genuinely doesn’t have that number.

Ok, so jumping forward some more time later, this is a tid bit from real time now it’s Covid-19 lock down – it doesn’t give too much away about my present dating status, but I thought we need some answers about this guy. I have been walking every day with a friend as we are both working from home, we talk about everything & Motocross comes up a lot as well as others in my past & present, she’s just a perplexed about what went on with him as I am, & mainly because he is still looking at EVERY single snapchat I send to my story, he is generally always first, no matter what time of day it is.

My friend picks me up one morning as usual but for some reason we happen to be chatting about Motocross & as we pull out of my street, who should drive past but Motocross… BAHAHAHA! She even points him out being I’ve described his car & what he looks like to her in more detail than my blog, however she does read. We laugh about it for ages & later that day I decide to message him & ask if it was him, he says no it wasn’t him, he’s not here & that it must have been his dad. What a crock of shit! I send a laughing face & he says that I’m not funny that he’s not back here till September. Isn’t this the guy who said he hadn’t been home for like 7 years & now he’s been home for months & coming back again a year later?! I tell him his story was always hard to believe & I find it funny & he says “If you wanna cause trouble or drama don’t bother . I’ve really got no idea what your on about” Cause trouble!? With who?? How?! By not believing his story? Hahaha. I ask how & he says that I’m laughing at something that’s not funny – um yeah it is dude. He then says “Your insinuating I’m lying when I’m not . And apparently my story no idea what story is hard to believe”  I also notice that his full stops aren’t next to his words, like what happens with Silverlining. What is that about.

I apologise for pissing him off, say it must’ve been his doppelganger in the same car. I look at the time in California, it’s 4:00 am. I mention that to him & he says that he’s actually in Florida at his house there & it’s just after 7:00 am & what do you know, he says that he’s brother just called him so he’s multitasking… Not that old chestnut too! His brother who he didn’t speak to that much has happened to call the twice I have messaged him & questioned the time of day… Interesting though Motocross & I have been messaging solidly for about 8 hours, meaning if it’s 7:00 am where he is, he’s not slept all night!!! He says that he sleeps though the day a lot because there is nothing to do with Covid. I laugh at him because he used to fall asleep on my couch at 10:00 pm. He then stops chatting to me again.

Still not letting this go – even though I have moved on (Stories to come) & because he looks at every single snapchat I post to my story. One day I find a book with his signatures in it, remember when he did that?! Well I send a snapchat to him direct & remind him that he never signed something for me like he said he would. He tells me that he’ll send me something & asks (Yes he ASKS) for my actual address. I send it to him immediately because this will confirm a lot of things – if I get a parcel.  I ask him to send me some of the special fruit loops too that he had sent from America while he was staying here that he went on & on about.  A few days later I post on my story about my strapped up foot & he asks what I did, which is unprecedented, he doesn’t normally reply to any of my posts, he just looks at them all.

My friend I’m walking with decides to stalk him & she finds out where he lives, like WTF. My god, people are easily found. On the way to our walk one morning, she drives past. His car is definitely the car we saw as it has distinctive licence plates, which is parked in the driveway of this house. There is also about 6 cars, including one I know to be his brothers (Story to come on that too!) Seriously, how easily are people found. Also what’s more fucking hilarious, is that it’s about 6 streets away from my house across the expressway! Jesus!

But the parcel, oh the parcel…  You guessed it, here I am 3 months later still waiting for this so called parcel to arrive! So the question now is, should message him & ask where it is?? Or should I just leave it?

#IBD4U

Ok so lets jump ahead a little bit in the timeline & give you an update what is going on with Motocross. I have met & fucked Silverlining, WOW, I’ve fucked him & it was 1000 times better than the sex I’ve had with Motocross. They don’t even compare.

Motocross still in the background putting in a bit of effort, seeing me still, & he’s said that he’s coming to Brisbane to surprise me, that I make the decision that if he does come to Brisbane to see me, then I will put all my eggs back in his basket & I will stop fucking Silverlining. He’s not single, he’s not leaving her despite how much he tells me he loves me, he won’t leave, so I need to focus on a man that is single (as far as I know!) & that I like, regardless of if he likes me or not, I have to focus on something else, other than the partnered ex boyfriend I’m still in love with.

I’m also reminded of what my sister said to me one Sunday night when I was confessing to her that I was chatting to Silverlining & considering meeting up with him for lunch. When I first told her that I was seeing Motocross & that he is living in California, she said to me that I am absolutely not moving overseas, she will not allow it! (We have this thing about not seeing each other!) But when I said I want to meet Silverlining – that I am going to see him again, she tells me “If it’s between Motocross & Silverlining, then you’re moving to California.” DOUBLE FUCK. She’s right, but at this point with Motocross, is there a choice? Silverlining has told that I need to forget about him & focus on Motocross, but Silverling tells me that he doesn’t think that Motocross is that into me & I deserve better – how confusing! Of course when my sister plants the seed of me moving to California, I actually start to think about a life there with Motocross, could I do that? I could get away from all the Silverlining bullshit once & for all. I could actually move on. He could move on. I could be truly happy overseas for a few years then come back to Adelaide to live in that ridiculous house he was looking at buying, I would get the wedding of my dreams & I would be blissfully happy with Motocross. -OMG it’s scary where my head goes sometimes!

Anyway as you all know I am a planner. I plan, I overthink the plans I try to work out every issue that may arise in any scenario. It’s probably why I am so good at the job I have too. Assessing the risks & scenarios. I am always thinking one step ahead. But this is probably to the detriment of my relationships, because I also live out little fantasy scenarios! Usually that never come true. I am excited that Motocross might be coming to Brisbane to see me – it was supposed to be a surprise, but he told me because I cracked it about being the only one making plans.

So I’m busy planning this trip in my head, so much so that I forget to think about Silverlining as much when we’re not chatting, though I’m still chatting to him daily & every spare moment he has, but he logs off at night to be with his family & so now I have something else to look forward too & something that I finally say is mine, Motocross isn’t fucking anyone else, even though I now have – it won’t happen again when he comes to Brisbane, I won’t be able to cut Silverlining off but I won’t meet him again for sex. Like I said, I will put all my eggs in his motocross helmet! Hahaha.

Also something I forgot to tell you too, which is hilarious so you need to know. One night with Motocross we were watching YouTube & he tells me about a film clip that he was in. OMG that’s super exciting & easily verified, I ask him to put it on, because then I will have some verified information about his career & put my mind at ease about all the other bullshit. He uses the remote to click on the song, literally the most hilarious song ever, I know a lot of songs but I haven’t ever heard this one before, but it’s but Bec Cartwright who used to be on Home & Away, then married Leighton Hewitt the Adelaide tennis player… Anyway when we watch the film clip I am laughing my head off. I feel bad for Motocross but he said he got paid for it so who cares. Watch the video then read what I have to say about it because it’s literally fucking hilarious.

So if you didn’t watch the film clip, but were thinking that you would see Motocross’ face & it will reveal him to the world, you are sadly mistaken… What you will see that every dude on a motorbike has a fucking helmet on! A full head covering helmet with dark mask. The guys could literally be any guy on the fucking bike! However I will give him snaps for knowing the most obscure song with motocross riders in the film clip! I have no reason not to believe him but fuck this is farfetched, I bet it was someone he knows perhaps, or maybe he did ride in the film clip but no one will ever know… Jesus, I hope you’re laughing as much as I did. I gave him so much shit!

After the phone call from Motocross to say that he was thinking of coming to Brisbane, I realise that I told him the wrong dates – I do not want to text him, I want find out if he will message me. But my friend J-Lo says it’s kind of rude if I don’t correct my mistake in case he really does book flights. I am highly doubtful that Motocross will rock up in Brisbane & I’ll just get an ‘I’m so sorry I was so busy’ type message before I come home but because I fucked up the dates, I message him with the correct ones, he says he’ll see what he can do & I leave it with him.

I have about 6 days in Brisbane staying with my friend to meet her new baby & then I visit some family too. The whole time I’m away, I’m messaging Silverlining daily – trying not to message too much because fuck it’s annoying but OMG, I also can’t stop myself. I spill the beans with my friend obviously, telling her everything as we shop & are ladies who lunch but that doesn’t change the way I feel, she doesn’t tell me I’m an idiot but I know that’s what she thinks, I know that’s probably what I would be thinking if someone were telling me this story. But I want to messaging Silverlining but I am also willing Motocross to message me – I want him to make some effort with me, Silverlining is making the effort, why can’t Motocross? I am so hopeful that he will message & even just say ‘how’s your trip’ but I never hear from Motocross again… YEP! You all guessed it, he’s a dud…

So I knew in my heart that Motocross wasn’t ever coming to Brisbane, I just knew that he wouldn’t, but I honestly didn’t think he would just never message me again! Like, what the fuck. He didn’t even message to say sorry he wasn’t coming. Who does that?

Lets wrap this up, so a little while later – weeks maybe months, I can’t remember, he is still on the dating app when I go back on there to have a look, I don’t delete him but when I update my profile he deletes me – no love lost there. However, as much as his story made him sound like a right fuckwit, I think about him a lot.  Was is because he was potentially single?

Even a few months later, things have progressed in my life (No spoilers!) but I am surprised when I see Motocrosses name come up in my snapchat, he’s added me as a friend. But when I go to click on it, it’s not there. When I search him, it comes up with a friend requested button… WHAT THE FUCK. I decide to click to add him to see what the fuck he has to say. To be honest, I barely ever use snapchat. He sends me one of a race track (An indoor one, I forget if that is supercross or motocross) I ask him if he won, he says yes of course & just sent an bitmoji of me looking at him as a trophy, hard to explain but it fitted it perfect. I get nothing back & so I just think that is that.

However a few hours later I get a message from him “Hey so I gotta say I’m sorry for not talking or anything kinda went mia Back home for a couple of weeks before Supercross started here cause me dog past away unexpectedly so that obviously wrecked be and just didn’t wanna talk or see anyone for a bit” OMG, that’s so sad – however, his dog was here with him? He made a point of telling me he’d brought his dog with him this trip & was potentially planning on leaving it here when he went home?! I say that I’m sorry to hear that & just figured he wasn’t interested, so didn’t push it with him. He says that the dog passed away on his birthday & that’s why he didn’t talk much – UM, dude, he stopped talking to me in early September, his birthday was early October? How can he even say his dog dying is an excuse for not talking to me?! He says that he was in Paris racing also, I say that I’m not trying to give him a hard time but he said he was planning on coming to Brisbane then never messages me again, excuses don’t matter, it’s not hard to fucking text someone. He says that he did want to talk to me but wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him & also didn’t really know what to say to me. I tell him it pissed me off not that he didn’t come to Brisbane, but the fact that he didn’t even message to say he wasn’t coming, or to even ask how my trip was going. He just says that he has poor communication skills & that he’s sorry he didn’t… Yeah I’ll fucking say he has poor communication skills, like fucking hell!!!

I tell him I gave up & he said that he failed on his end & I say it’s good he can accept that, he says “I always expect when I’m wrong”  I ask if he means accept, then write #true. He writes back # correct & I laugh saying that if he ever wants to make it up to me, he knows where I am. He says “Make it up to you hows that. Yeah true I do.”  I ask if he’s asking me how he can make it up to me, because that sentence isn’t even a sentence, but he just sends back an emoji with its hands in the air. What the fuck does that mean?! Whatever dude… Again I don’t hear from him after that.

#IBD4U

I keep thinking that there is going to be a message from Silverling saying that he can’t meet, something has happened, another melt down or something has happened with the kids… Some excuse to get out of seeing me, not necessarily because he doesn’t want to see me but because he’s acting weird & she’s picked up on it. But I just go about my night, I go to the gym, to boxing, as class I tried to avoid because the Doppelganger goes to it. & of course, I get fucking paired with this guy, which makes me work so much harder but fuck it’s hard because the guy is so lovely & encouraging. I write to Silverlining to tell him that I got paired with his twin & I never get a reply, so I try to rest for the night, knowing I won’t sleep much with thoughts of how tomorrow might go.

The next morning Silverlining just says something about punching his doppelganger hard, I am surprised at the one short message & I think that this is him trying to back off now that we’re supposed to meet in a about an hour or so. FUCK. But he says “Sometimes I go a bit crazy and spill my guts. Held back today. You miss my 20 thousand morning messages ?” Of all the days for him to hold back, he picks the day we’re supposed to meet again. I don’t even know what he is thinking will happen today, am I going to fuck him or will we just tease each other & cum without penetrating?! Do you think we can meet & not fuck? SHIT.

He sends me a dick picture when he watches the video I sent him yesterday, one that he didn’t command me to send but he says that he got an instant hard on. We don’t talk about me leaving or meeting him, so I just get in my car & drive. My heart beating erratically, I am seeing him again. I see his car & I drive over taking a deep breath, I pull up next to his car at his gym at exactly 9:00 am, not only because I am always crazily on time but I am also wanting to spend every minute with him as I can. But he’s not at his car, so I assume he actually went into the gym, I send him a message asking if he went inside, but then he appears… In a daggy tracksuit & t shirt but still cute as fuck. He gets in the front seat of my car. It’s been less than a week since our first lunch date & I am desperate to touch him. As soon as he gets in the car we kiss & hug hello. The electricity sparks between us, I don’t even understand how it happens. I don’t even know why he ignites something in me, that no other man has ever sparked in me. I know I spark it in him too – why else would he be here if he didn’t have some sort of epic connection with me. Why is he with someone else, why isn’t he with me? This spark could be ours every day. But then I wonder if it’s the sneaking around that makes us so hot? I mean he said he was falling for me before we even met, I was too I mean I’ll deny it but I did make sure we made the agreement to take it in turns to message each other.

He becomes obsessed with where I’ve parked, in fact he makes me move the car twice before he’s happy with where we’re parked at his gym – even then I don’t think he’s ok with it & tried to get me to move the car a third time, but I refuse. We sit in the car chatting & when he reaches out to touch my leg, I melt against his touch, we kiss, this time we properly kiss & I realise how much I have missed his mouth on mine, his tongue caressing mine & his hands exploring my body… He slips his hands up my skirt & rubs the outside of my panties, making my legs spread so easily, I reach out for his cock & can feel how hard it is. When we stop for a breather, after all it is only just after 9:00 am on a Tuesday at a gym carpark. However he still finds a way to slip his fingers inside me, make me wet for him & so turned on… His cock is in my hand & we’re making noises for each other that I’ve longed to hear from him & I that I haven’t made with another man since. I want to have sex with him.

We talk about everything, there is no topic I can’t talk about with this man. I make sure that I say I love you to his face. We talk & kiss, look into each other’s eyes – I can see his feelings for me when I look into his eyes, we caress & touch for about 45 minutes – it’s hot & heavy, the breathing, the wanting, the touching, the kissing, the connection – it’s not long before he suggests that we go back to his house. I never thought I’d ever go there again, but it’s not long before he is jumping in his car & I’m following him to his house.

He’s inside his house before I even park the car down the street a little, as I walk inside he takes me in his strong arms, we’re kissing with so much passion, there is no way that anyone else in the world has ever kissed like this, ever connected like this. The electricity coming off both of us is intoxicating, I want him inside me, I need him inside me. I need to be as close as two people can be. I know he feels it too, I am taking off his shirt & we’re getting undressed quicker than I care to admit. I’m on my knees with his dick in my mouth & he makes that manly groaning noise that I fucking love, not every guy makes a noise when you suck their dick & they really should because fuck me, that noise is sexy as hell… We go into his little games area that he’s created while being his super geeky self without a phone, he’s got a tv & all his computer consoles. I’m pushed on the couch & he fingers me till I’m close to cumming, his favourite trick. He can still get me so close without letting me cum. I love this game, but I also fucking hate it. He moves us so that he can slide his cock between my tits & I love this feeling of his cock sliding between my tits… The feel of him doing that turns me on, he doesn’t get why it turns me on, but it does… When we’re ready, I pull out a condom & a small white vibe I brought with me & he smirks asking me if I want him to use it.

I slide a condom down his hard cock & guide it inside me while sitting on his lap, we both make this noise as his cock enters me for the first time in 18 months…. FUCK. I have missed this, I want this, I am so in love with this man. I feel him inside me, feel his breath on my face, his hand touching my waist, my nipples in his mouth, I feel him sliding in & out of me as I ride him, bringing us as close as two people can be. This feels like sex should feel. It feels intimate, sexy, dirty & so fucking good! I cannot even really describe how this feels, words to seem so inadequate at the intimacy & chemistry combined with passion that I feel for this man. He is my everything, I would do anything for him. I would do anything for just a moment of his time, I am under his spell & this is what I want. His wish is my command & I will obey.

He moves us so he’s on top of me with the vibe on my clit, as he’s fucking me the vibe is teasing me, I try to rub my clit but he takes me arms roughly above my head & pins then there, he fucks me harder & harder I moan asking his permission to cum, he doesn’t answer so I start begging, I am moaning, begging, fucking him back, bucking underneath him, trying so hard not to cum but so close when he says cum for me, crying out as I start cumming, he pumps a few more times inside me & cums himself. FUCK. How did we just cum together after all this time?!

We sit there on the couch for a little while, chatting we don’t have sex again & then almost like something happened, he’s basically pushing me out the door, he’s constantly looked at her location on his phone the whole time I’m there – which is good in one way in case she’s on her way home to murder me but fucking annoying I don’t ever get his undivided attention. The most annoying part is now him trying to get me to leave after he’s implied that he wanted a few hours with me, it’s before 11:00 am & I start to feel like a guest who’s outstayed their welcome. I get up getting dressed sheepishly, he picks up the condom & doesn’t really know what to do with it, looking around for somewhere to put it, so I tell him to put it in a tissue & I will take it… Oh my fucking god, as if I do that! There are no words to describe this feeling either, being kicked out of his house, feeling like an intruder, after cumming with him with such a deep connection, all of that is just shattered – within a split second. Maybe he’s realising what a mistake this was? He basically pushes me out the door, his hand on my back & says I love you. I know he has to be at work at 12:30 pm & so I wasn’t staying much longer anyway but fucking hell, I barely get to say I love you back before the door is shut in my face. What just happened? I was in a euphoric state, that was epic sex, epic making love, just to be shoved out the door. I rush to the car – feeling used, feeling weird, feeling like a fucking idiot. I have a used condom, a wrapper and a dirty vibrator in my bag, I am covered in my ex boyfriends cum, I have just had epic sex yet I’ve never felt more dirty & not in a good way! What the fuck just happened?! I want to message him & ask because I know he will tell me truth via message but fuck him. Fuck it all. He’s a prick. He always said he was & he’s just proved it.

I am barely 15 minutes down the road when I see a message from him – it makes me fucking smile – like an actual factual dickhead. Man I hate myself sometimes… “You boost me yet” WHAT? Then he corrects it “Ghost” I should fucking ghost him. This is the perfect opportunity to ghost him. I feel like a dickhead, I should ghost him, I got what I wanted, I got my epic sex. Can I be ok with just that? Just that one time, I said I just needed to fuck him one more time. I ask why he thinks I would ghost him when I get home, unable to control my fingers from replying to him “Yeah was hoping I could hang with you till 12. Sorry. Use me for good sex then ghost me?” I knew he had to start work about 12:30 pm, so I wasn’t going to stay much longer at his house anyway but the way this all happened is just weird. I ask why he didn’t hang with me till 12:00 pm if that’s what he wanted & he tells me not to ask, which of course just makes me ask more – I assume that because he plays with his phone all the fucking time he’s with me checking her location & replying to her messages that she’s gotten suspicious & he’s freaked out about something she said. He says that they had a fight in the morning before work & she wanted him to go by her work before he starts “Think she’s just done it to keep my leash tight.” OMFG! What the fuck games do these two play, do they get off on it?! Maybe it’s part of what turns them on?!

I tell him that I wasn’t planning on staying much longer anyway but did want to fuck him again before I left, I say that I had 4 condoms with me & assumed that we’d use a couple, not just one. “Omg did you really lol? I assumed you only took one! See that’s why condoms suck haha. But 4 is ummm, you were keen.” He doesn’t reply for a while, I’m assuming he’s at her work, having lunch with her – after having fucked me less than an hour before, smoothing things over with her, that when he messages me again, I read it (because I know he can’t see that I have read it) & I go about what I am doing. I’m going to Brisbane in 2 days, I start packing, I try to distract myself from writing back to him. I am already in too deep & this man is constantly trying to keep his partner happy, when he himself is not happy. But does he ever really think about my happiness?

#IBD4U

First of all, I’m sorry for the writers block lately, it’ll all be clear when we catch up to todays date why it’s been such a struggle! I have so much going on at the moment that I am struggling to find the time to make myself write like I used to do. I hope that things settle soon & I can write more to catch up again.

You have no idea how much I want to meet him again, fuck him again, have him touch me again, right or wrong I love Silverlining & I want to see him. I am fully aware that he is not leaving her, that he is not going to be the one who walks away from her, he can’t – I mean he tried & she pulled a stunt which hit him harder than he thought it would. I’m not making excuses for him, sometimes we just can’t be with the one that you love. What’s that song “If you can’t be with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with” Not exactly an ideal situation & I would hate to be the one thinking that my partner is more into someone else than me, even if I had a family with him but I manipulated him into staying with me. I get that people can get over cheating & people can work on their relationship & make it stronger, only when both are committed to it but then I wouldn’t be stalking the mistress every day or ever! I think that would be a worse feeling than being cheated on. At least if they cheat & you leave, you know that you are better off. But if you stay knowing that there was feelings for another person, would you always wonder…?

Silverlining talks about how vocal & noisy I was during sex with him & how hot he found it. That he hates when a woman is silent & it makes me think that his partner is silent, but I don’t ask… She never came with him until she found out I used to cum with him, so assuming she’s asked if I was talkative or noisy & tries. But ultimately if you have to force yourself to do it, then you aren’t going to keep doing it, he said things had calmed down with their sex life so assuming she’s gone back to how she was in a way. The talking & moaning was always natural with Silverlining for me. I always hated making noise or talking with any guy I was with, but Silverlining & I use to have normal conversations & talk dirty while we were fucking & it never felt weird. It never felt forced, it never felt awkward. I guess he was the first guy I ever felt really comfortable with. I mean I had Boyfriend of course we lived together, but I didn’t know who I was, I wasn’t very sexual with him at all, not like how open I was with Silverlining.

He keeps bringing up Crows calling him Mr 6 pack but I remind him that yeah the sex was good with him but I didn’t love him & he didn’t make me cum like Silverlining could. He says he sees himself as a “Horrible fat piece of shit” I knew he had low self esteem, but I didn’t realise how low it is sometimes “OMG. You’re a fucking twat. To use your words. Spelling errors & everything!” He laughs “I can spell & do grammar and shit. So fuck you. I wouldn’t of put a full stop at the end. What twat face does that. Your like the only person online ever in the history of man that does that.”  Hahaha, he’s right. Every single message he sends doesn’t have a full stop, but every single one of mine does. He says it’s part of what gave me away when we were strangers.

I tease him so easily & he sends me a dick pic saying he can’t jerk off because the kids are around. He says that he wants me so bad & I start to think how easily we are falling back into the old routine. Can I meet him again & have sex with him? Will the sex be as good as I remember? I mean if just sitting opposite this man can make me wet & horny, then surely the sex is the same. Can I just have it one more time? He says no sex but he’ll allow dick sucking & fingering. He says that I got better at sucking his dick the more I did it & then he tells me I made him better at eating pussy – which fucks me off because now she gets it. I made him good at it & someone else gets to enjoy it…

I ask him if he wants me to wear granny undies, and ugly dress, not wash my hair or wear makeup & he says that he doesn’t think any of that will help, he’ll still want me, I get out a vibe & start telling him my go to fantasy & I ask if I can cum, when he says no, I am frustrated but I love that he has this control over me. I love that he wants me to beg him & that I will be a good girl & do what he tells me to. I say please, please Sir, I beg & he just says no. I say why did I ask, cos I could’ve just cum & him not know but he knows that it turns me on when he says no to me. I say that I wish I could video it for him but the app we’re using doesn’t have that option, so he says video it & email it to him. I cum very hard when he finally says “Cum for me slut. Be a good girl and cum hard” You all know that this language from anyone else would probably result in a punch in the groin, but fuck it turns me on when he says it & he knows it, I tell him that the video is en route to his email, so he can check it. He says that it’s going to be hard not to fuck me. I say that I think we both knew that if we ever came together again it would be like this… He says “Fuck I miss your moans” (No full stops!) He says that after seeing that video he wants me so badly & that I am a good girl for doing what I am told.

I also say that I don’t think that I told him I loved him yesterday so I say love you for yesterday & today. He replies “Love you too for today and yesterday” & I smile like a wanker. I tell him he’s an idiot but he should see my stupid grin. He says that he’s not used to me being so lovey dovey but it’s cute. To be honest, I’m not used to it either, but I don’t want him to ever think that I don’t love him as much as I did.

There’s a video on my phone that won’t delete either from years ago, of me in the white dress & him making me suck his cock while he edges me, I’ve deleted it so many times because I don’t want to keep reliving how hot we were, how close I was to having my happy ever after with him, He says that he’s watched that video a few times in the last 12 months & jerked off to it a few times. That surprises me actually & he says “Do you really think a guy ever forgets a woman that he fucks like a porn star FYI?” He had told me that he never allows himself to think about me, had told me that his partner lets him fuck her like a porn start & squirts too, I assumed I was long forgotten. He says that he’s stubborn & didn’t want to admit his weakness. He says that she only squirts like once a month, that she fucks him 10 times better that she used too, but she’s nothing like me. I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad…. He says that she’s never done anything like the train station or what I did with my panties, but something weird happened for them last week & I barely want to know, but he tells me that he pushed her head into the bed & she couldn’t barely breathe but she loved it. He says that it was an accident & it made her cum hard, then she didn’t shut up about it the next day… I don’t even know what to say, I look at his words about his sex with her & say “So remind me why you want me again?! Or even needed me in the first place”  If she’s so hot & sexy, what the fuck did he need to ruin me & her for?! “It was never just about sex, or kinky sex when it came to you. You were always my friend first. Sex was just the bonus. Kinky sex was the icing on top. Then there is the part that I fell madly in love with you based on our friendship.” He says that we would’ve developed feelings regardless if we met or fucked, because we talked so much. “I had feeling for you before we met. And I struggled hard core once we started fucking. You were so fucking guarded and a bitch. Your were like ‘nup, never having a man live with me , don’t want a man that has kids allready , bla bla bla’ So I was like fuck you. I’m dumb for falling for you. But I can’t stop having sex with you because the sex is so good. And I’ll hold my jealous rage in while you tell me your fucking other people on the app.” OMG, I never said I didn’t want a man with kids! Fuck I wonder if the things I said in the early days, like this was shit I said before I fell for him, I wonder that if I had’ve been more open if he would’ve been braver to leave her… He was doubting what I had for him & she was pulling a stupid stunt to prove her “love” for him I guess… He says that he tried to act like he didn’t care & that he wasn’t jealous, but I would see though it which annoyed him. I could always tell when he was being a jealous git, but I secretly loved it, though it was annoying stroking his ego all the time… “Please tell me you didn’t fuck Cowboy”  FUCK… I ignore that question… FUCK.

I just send a long message about the night I remember he got so jealous in the car when a guy on the app had messaged asking me to fuck him, I had told Silverlining because I always shared & he sat in the car after we fucked staring out the window pulling away from me, I had to grab his face & tell him that I am with him (We hadn’t said I love you at that point so I had to use other ways to tell him that I was only fucking him!) he says that I had good banter with that guy I think his name was Prods & Silverlining got scared. He says he was even crazily jealous really early on, even when I met Shark & Leblek… He says that he even hated that I could tell he was jealous through texts. He said he considered fucking other people on the app to make me jealous but he decided not too. I lied about things I did to protect him, well I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell him but it turns out that it was common knowledge & he knew. I never realised that he started getting feelings for me that early on, I mean I knew I wanted to talk to him & only him, when he wasn’t online, I would chat to others waiting for him to come back online, so yeah there were other people for me, but I stopped seeing other people only a few months into fucking Silverlining. It was sexy to see him jealous, especially when he’d do something douchy to a new guy in a group that was showing interest in me, it was like Silverlining would pee all around me to prove he was with me without telling anyone. It used to turn me on to watch him stake his claim on me.

I start getting horny again & chatting dirty, when he says “Gotta go. Fuckomg so hard. Fuck You so much. Love you and chat later … grrr. Have no idea why up put up with me and my bullshit like this Tho ! I’m so not worth it …”  I let him go & I think about my reply for a long time, something he needs to hear & something I need to say…

“Because you’re my best friend who I’ve missed terribly in the last 18 months. I’ve missed telling you things about my life, asking your advice, asking questions about food, seeing you & yeah even fucking you. I tried to fill a void you left behind, I admit I fucked other people & dated, tried new things like maslins & swingers parties, all in an attempt to get over you… But you see Silverlining, none of it worked, because at the first obstacle I was faced with a year later that you were possible the stranger chatting to me… That the excitement of you chatting to me online as a stranger took over me… Still wanting you, still loving you… You said you’d always love me, that those feelings will never go away… Why do you think those feelings I have for you are any different? You always think you’re not good enough for me, but let me make that decision…. I love you too… #IBD4U xxx” When he returns he does what he always does & gives me shit about going to maslins & swingers parties. But he says “But I hate just disappearing on on you”  He knows that annoys me, but I’m ok with him going if he says goodbye, I just hate when he doesn’t. I understand the situation that I am in, I am the dumb idiot chatting to a man in a relationship with kids… I tell him that I hate him disappearing too that the vibe slipped in my ass cos I was so wet & so I just went with it, he says “Haha Oh dear , don’t you hate it when it accidentally slips into your ass … Done that a few times in my time”  I don’t get anything from him again tonight & I am awake thinking about bullshit going on in my life & of course him too at 3:00 am. I ask if he ever checks the app & doesn’t find a message waiting for him, like I do because I feel like a loser checking all the time with no message from him.

I wake up late to messages from him at 6:30 am. “So I was thinking …  are you free Tuesday morning … as that would be an opportunity to spend a few hours together. Rather than 1 hour” He also tells me that that he checks all the time & sometimes I haven’t written back, which makes me smile. We get onto the topic of my hair, skin & nails tablets I’m taking & he says that he would never need then that he has to cut his hair like weekly & he cuts his nails twice a week “Fun fact you would only know from living with me”  I reply that I never got that option to know what it was like living with him because I am too clean & he says that he didn’t want to mess up my house, it was always so clean. Yeah that’s because I would clean while waiting for him to come over & I live alone so it’s easy to keep clean. I ask what he wants to do tomorrow morning & he says that we should meet at his gym at 9:00 am then we’ll go back to his house afterwards. Or I can meet at his house at 10:00 am. I stupidly want to spend as much time as I can with him, so I say that I’ll meet him at his gym at 9:00 am. I agree to meeting him there & making sure he follows his usual pattern, so as he’s not suspicious.

I show him a picture of the nurse outfit that he bought me & say that I wish I got to wear it for him, I say I wore it to switch to prove I’m over him & he asks if it worked, well of course not but I ask as a way of response, “Did you get over me a little bit?” his reply doesn’t surprise me but also it does a little “Uhh. I just distracted myself from you I guess. I still love you , so yeah …. Probably not. It’s probably not as deep as it once was but still there.”  Because he keeps bringing up the men I’ve fucked since him, I post a post on the anonymous app that says “I slept with 26 men to help me get over you… But it didn’t work… Not even a little bit. You are still the best I’ve ever had” & I change my name to his initials & bitch. I get so many replies, asking to be number 27 & help me get over him. But I did it to prove to him that he is still my number one. When I show him the inbox that is blowing up he asks how he even made it into my inbox & fuck knows, the universe is fucked sometimes. He says it was fun being strangers when I apologise for some of things I made him hear & he says that it’s ok. I remind him that he told me he couldn’t sleep, so it couldn’t have been that fun, & I have to probe him why he couldn’t sleep, to which he says that he couldn’t sleep because he wanted to chat to me more. Awww FUCK.

As the chat is winding down, I confirm that he wants to meet at 9:00 am. He says he’ll be gone in a second so I say I’ll see him tomorrow with kisses, he asks where the love is, I say I love him & then he says chat later – as he’s started doing. I ask where my love is & he says nope. I say love you anyway jerk but he of course says love you back & I prepare to see him again tomorrow morning… FUCK – is this a good idea? I know for a fact that we will kiss in the car, he wants to finger me & I want to suck his cock, but should we go to his place to have sex?! FUCK, I want it, but is this a good idea?

#IBD4U

I can’t fucking believe it, he is going to say goodbye like & fucking ghost me?! I send “Are you serious?!” I can barely type of any message “What the fuck happened in less than an hour for you to now say goodbye, like this??” I am overthinking, my thoughts are in overdrive. I know from your comments & messages that you’re all thinking that he is the smart one here, ending this before it goes too far. Before we meet again, before we fall more in love… But I am not quite at the point of ending this with him yet. I was asleep blissfully for less than an hour & now he’s ending us chatting, after the debacle of meeting me? Why would he bother meeting me if he was just going to say goodbye, like this, cowardly again… Message & delete me?!

FUCK.

I literally sit there watching the app for what I assume will be forever, with nothing back from him ever again, I expect that he won’t message me again, that he’s said his goodbye & that he’s done. When I see his messages pop up “I wanted to get some stuff out but we got cut short sorry. I’m not saying goodbye. Just scared I guess… You know I won’t be able to do that lol” OMG, so he was just trying to write a good bye for today message, tell me some things because obviously it was playing on his mind that he was a douche to me for making me feel dumb for the swingers parties & rope, so he decided to write something to me but he made it seem by saying that he tried to warn me that he was going for the evening… WOW… This is stupid but I am fucking relieved. I tell him that I am scared too, I mean I am going to get hurt here, I know he will be hurt but I will be alone, he still has his family when he’s not with me. I say that I am sorry too but I am not cooler than him, nor do I think he is uncool. He says that I am so uch cooler than him “I haven’t done anything near as cool as going to swingers party for even close to fucking 26 people in my entire life let alone 18 months. Just sayin. Cool” He then sends me a picture of his new haircut, he’s cut his hair to not be as long & I really like it, fuck he is sexy… I’m surprised he hasn’t fucked 26 people, he always made out like he was such a stud… He also apologises for rushing off, but I remember when we were together, he says he does that so he can message me as long as he can. I always just imagine him saying gotta go, deleting the app & going about his life, but I see now that he is probably deleting the app in the driveway so that he can chat to me as long as he can… It’s also random that he’s chatting tonight. I am glad he realises that he just rushes off & doesn’t get a proper goodbye, but I wasn’t expecting that. “BTW – it’s not cool fucking random strange men, just saying… It’s empty & unfulfilling…” I know that men like Silverling might see this differently, he sees that if he could pull 26 women in 18 months that he’d be cool & a stud but the fact that he says that he couldn’t get anyone when they were open makes him, in his eyes a loser. I just think it’s tragic that I fucked that many men & didn’t once ever get half the excitement from any one of them, that I got from just sitting opposite Silverlining at bloody hungry jacks!! Not even a spark… Yet I walked away from meeting him with wet panties & making myself cum the second I got home to thoughts of him!

He starts oversharing his sexual experiences as a younger lad, saying that he was always begged by women for more. But he often because of his shape of his cock or because of how hard he fucked them, made the women bleed, he says that he’s surprised he never made me bleed, which he didn’t… He tells me about the women with fake tits that he fucked & hot it was, it makes me wonder how he ended up settling for someone like he did… He tells me that he’s fucked about 15 people but he says like me he didn’t have sex until he was about 19 or 20… Plus he’s been in a closed relationship where he was monogamous (until me) for over 10 years. I refuse to tell him how many I have… Lets just say it’s over 50 for me but under 100… OMG.

As we talk I ask him or suggest subtly that we need an app that I get notifications on, so I’m not a loser checking the app every 5 minutes even when I know he’s said goodbye for the night, because like tonight he is chatting constantly so I do check through the night to see if he’s had a chance to come back online. He says that all his accounts on the chat app are deactivated. He reminds me how many enemies he made on there & I know of course, I mean his last message in one of the groups was telling everyone that the profile picture of me with cum on my face was his cum. I tell him that I was sent that by 3 people & I laughed at first getting that he wanted everyone to know but then I felt so disrespected. He say that is wasn’t to disrespect me it was just him waving his cock around, which I knew. He doesn’t get why I thought it was so rude, I mean I wasn’t in the group he did it in, then I had to deal with all the messages from people asking what happened, people knew we were together but we never told anyone at all, so I had to deal with all the questions while he deleted his accounts. I remind him that everyone knew anyway, we were in every group together, admin in every group & we were always online at the same time, I wouldn’t chat much unless he was in the group chatting too… He then says that he needs to go to bed, I say goodnight & I love you & he replies “Nooooooot healthy #IBD4U. But love you too…” I smile like a wanker & cosy down for a restful night sleep.

On holidays from work, I went to sleep late because he & I were chatting all night, then I am awake at 7:30 am to 12 messages from Silverlining at 6:20 am. “Morning loser. So I have a problem. I’m allready addicted to you. I want to chat to you every second I can. I want to see you too. And I sure as hell want to fuck you. And I know that I love you. Think we need some boundaries and some rules and stuff. Have to chat to each other like once a week. And no sex ever lll. Because I don’t want to interfere with your work life , personal life and love life. Or make you unhappy.” While I am smiling like an idiot at how cute he can be, I can also read between the lines here… He is telling me what I want to hear but also telling me subconsciously that he is not leaving her still, even though he feels this way about me. I also don’t think we can only speak once a week, I mean, would he ever be able to do that? I mean I could, but he would have to be the one that deleted the app & didn’t come back. I would have no self-control. I ask him if he wants to hear a secret, but I don’t wait for his reply “I’m addicted too. I want to talk to you every second. I want to see you, even keep thinking when we can… I definitely want to fuck you too… I love you too & don’t want to ruin your life either!” He says that I’m tempting him & I say that I am not, he says “So you show all your friends pics of your pretty little wet cunt oozing out pure bliss after you’ve cummed?” I laugh & he tells me that he’s hard at the gym now. I tell him that he is still the best sex I’ve ever had, but I guess that I am only in the top 3 for him, behind the Asian he was able to fuck in the ass & his partner. “Na. Your number one you twat face. Number fucking the one.” FUCK. I send him a naked picture & tell him that I am so wet, it’s insane how wet I am just from chatting to him again, I haven’t cum this much in the last 18 months than I have with him since I saw him for lunch. He tells me that I’ve lost a lot of weight & look so good in the pictures that I send, that he wants to fuck me & we need to control ourselves, that old chestnut. When we talk about the fact that some of the guys I fucked in the last 18 months didn’t even make me cum, he is seriously perplexed about it saying how easy it is to make me cum, but he forgets that our chemistry makes me cum, not just what the guy is doing… “Probably didn’t help you trying to get over me tho” EXACTLY… Finally he gets it, that while I may have fucked a lot of guys since him, they didn’t fill the void, a void I was trying so hard to fill. He still says that he was expecting me to be over him & with someone buff who’s kinky… I mean not this old chestnut too? FFS. This is when I say why I think that I loved him more than he loved me, if he can really believe that I would be over him that quickly. “I honestly did. You can do so much better than a geeky loser dude that fills shelves ! I loved you so much twat face. Still fucking love you. Didn’t know you loved me as much as you did … But don’t you fucking deny what I had for you … You had me so fucking close …” That just fucks me off when he says that “You know what I think about that. You never believed me” but he snaps “I believed you … I could feel it … I didn’t realize how deep it was … I told you , You would never get over me … With my own words irl.” So see he tells me not to blame myself that his kids are the reason for his decisions but had I told him more that I was so in love with him…. I don’t think he realises what it means to me when he says that I had him so close, he sees it as a compliment, but then I realise that he didn’t know that I loved him as deeply as I did & it makes me realise that if he did, things may have still turned out the same because of the stunt she pulled however, he would have not doubted our life together, which I know he did. “I was so into you it was ridiculous. It was all consuming. I thought about nothing else but you. I thought about when I was going to see you again, what we would do… I thought about what you were doing when we weren’t messaging, when you would come back online. I thought about you at the gym, standing opposite me giving me a cheeky look as we worked out… I thought about dates & holidays we could go on… I thought of excuses you could use to see me more… ” It was all consuming for me “You were starting to consume me more. You became my hobby and my interests. I stopped doing everything I loved because I focused all my spare time on you pretty much.” We were in so deep… How the fuck did we lose it?

We start sexting a little, he says that he’s hard & I need to stop enticing him, I send him a picture & he says “You up to much this weekend?” I say nothing much, because I know that whatever time he says he’s free, I will make myself available for him, but I do have a few things on, but I try to act nonchalant about it so that he will give me times he’s free, but he says that he won’t be online much & doesn’t want me waiting around for a message, my heart sinks a bit even though I know it was his weekend off, it’s been a fortnight since I saw him at the show. He says goodbye again for the night, with chat soon & that I’m like a drug, I say I love you because I am not going to regret not telling him, even if I won’t ever have him, I want him to know.

I check the app so many times over night in case he comes online to chat to me again, but I fall asleep with nothing from him. At 6:30 am I get a message “How many times did you check your phone loser. I check a couple of times … I’ll admit it.. Good Morning for today’s when you get your ass out of bed” I say that I checked more time that I care to admit & want an app with notifications because I don’t want to be addicted like that, looking at the app all night & waiting. Then I ask why he didn’t message if he checked, but he says that he would have only had time for single messages & that he’s stubborn, there was nothing from me. He says that he’s stubborn but then starts missing me & starts taking more risks checking the app around his partner. I ask if he was waiting for me to write “Hey baby cakes, I check the app every 30 seconds hoping for a message from you. Love you” He laughs & says that would have been cute, he says he was awake at 5:30 am but waited like he always does. He says that he’ll be offline soon, it’s around 10:00 am, when she gets up but he still randomly finds time to message me throughout the day. We don’t say goodbye this day or I love you when we sign off, as he kept chatting most of the night, one message at a time, I never knew when he was going or coming back but I wake up to 37 messages from him, mostly about the fact I wrote him saying I was awake all night with really bad tummy cramps from lactose (I think). “Why are you so addicting? Our chat will come to an end so like some loser I’m writing as much shit as I can to you… You need to stay off chat when your in qld and enjoy your holidays. I’ll tell you off if you chat to me.” & amongst all the other messages there is a “Oh yeah figured out a good time we could meet again , Tuesday night for dinner” Ahhhh our usual night… Our usual thing, could I go back to this pattern again? I want it. I wonder if he’s serious, if he will actually see me again. He is constantly dangling the carrot of being with me but also dropping into the conversation subtle hints that he is not going to be chatting to me forever or that he is not leaving her. However regardless of how you all feel about this relationship, I want to see him more than ever, if he’s serious I will be there sucking his cock & fucking him, where ever & whenever he wants.

FUCK.

#IBD4U

Silverlining says that I know him so well & I say that he probably can’t list 5 things about me, I mean I feel like sometimes he doesn’t know me at all… I’m surprised when his list of 5 comes through about me, slowly but surely he sends each number through to me as a separate message & I see why it takes a long time between messages, I don’t interrupt him because I want & need to hear this from him… (spelling mistakes & all!)

1. Your funny , you have a similar sense of Humour to me that is a little bit dad jokey, a little bit cheeky, a lot sarcastic , all rolled into one package.

*Shrugs* probably why you find me funny.

2. You by far are the sexiest woman I have ever fucked in my entire life . The things you did for me , omfg . You made my dreams come true … my 14 year old pubescent dreams, my 35 year old man dreams, anything I wanted I got plus more . You are so fucking amazing in bed, so talented and so fucking sexy.

Just saying that made me hard …

3. Your smart. Your not a dumb bimbo, you can think for yourself , you can fend for yourself, you’re a smart independent woman . I can actually have an intelligent conversation, I think your smarter than me , but unfortunately for you I can also see when your being dumb too.
4. You have always done the right thing by me . Your very loyal . You kept your word and we became exclusive in our situation . You didn’t go crazy and destroy my marriage when you could of . You are a fucking amazing friend , I hope you friends truly know what kind of person you are and appreciate you for what you are . I know you’re the type of person who will do anything for your friends.
5. Your honesty . It’s no secret , it’s one you have for me , and one that goes way back . We have always been super honest to other . Your naturally an over sharer which helps ! But I secretly love it . it caught my attention , it still captures my attention lol.

We have a very honest friendship , apart from that tiny little thing we wanna say.

Well HOLY FUCK!! I’m so surpised by this. He can still surprise me. I was expecting him to write no more than about 5 or 6 words – Sexy, Funny, Honest, Hot & good in bed. Not be that descriptive. I tell him to stop & he tells me that I should just take the compliment. Well to be honest, it’s not like he or any other guy gives me that many compliments, I struggle with taking compliments, even from my friends – let alone the man I love. I re read this list about 20 times. This is everything.

“But apparently I just used you for sex according to the masses” Well my mum was really the only one who planted that idea in my head but I did wonder sometimes. “But I’ll admit , you were my dirty little slut.” I tell him that he made a lot of my fantasies come true too & that I had so many firsts with him, he says bullshit to the firsts but that I deserve to live out my fantasies, so he’s glad he got to do them with me too. I start another lists of first I had with him

1. I’d never tied myself up for someone before…
2. Never made love
3. Never been in love
4. Never done anal in a car
5. Never fucked in a carwash,
6. Never fucked at a train station – He adds being tied up with cable ties
7. Never had cum on my face
8. Never fucked in an office before being tied with a usb cord
9. Never wore lingerie for anyone before
10. Never gave a guy my panties to keep

He adds cumming at the same time, which he didn’t think was possible & the stuff out of pure erotic fiction, according to him. I didn’t think it was possible but we were so in tune with each other that we were able too, not often, I will admit, but we did it a couple of times. I’m on a roll with firsts

11. I never looked at a guy before you during sex
12. I’ve never begged a guy to fuck my ass
13. Never used a vibe in front of a guy before
14. Never let a guy video me before or take pictures during sex

He gets on to the topic of how many guys I’ve fucked since him he keeps asking, his number is up to 21 & he says that it’s a compliment that I had to sleep with 21 guys to get over him, he says that he assumes that I fucked Max since him, which I haven’t really, he wouldn’t put on a condom so we didn’t have sex, but I’ve seen him. I tell Silverlining that I don’t want to tell him this stuff & he says ”I’ve made my bed and have to live in it” at least that’s true! I finally tell him that I’ve been with 26 guys & 1 woman since we ended a year ago… JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! First, why did I tell him & second, holy hell I’ve fucked a few too many people! I don’t know why I told him but he kept asking, then he tells me that the 3sum with his partner was shit, he had to take full control & tell the guy what to do, that he came really quickly too. I tell him that I went to a couple of play parties & swingers events but it wasn’t for me, I didn’t really enjoy it to be honest & haven’t been back since. I remind him that he refused to have a MFM with me but did it with his wife & he says that he didn’t say no to me, which is bullshit, it was never going to happen he was always to conscious about his cock, but I do remember looking for a few different guys. I stupidly tell him that I’ve been to maslins beach too, I hate that I tell him anything because he acts like a fucking wanker saying that I am kinky & I need it, that he’s not kinky that he would never go to the beach or a swingers party & just like rope, he makes me feel like shit about things I have done since being with him… Just like his partner does to him about his hobbies. When I say I’ve been to a swingers party he says “Ewww I’m going to have to glen 20 my lips now” I hate him when he is like this… I guess being with a woman for over 10 years that puts down everything you do, you start to do it to people too…

I remind him that I am STI free & ask how many he has? I am fucking angry when he is like this. I am almost certain that his partner has been cheating on him, how else does she randomly get an STI in her 30’s?! If I didn’t have it, Silverlining didn’t have it, Crows, Max & Sweetie didn’t have it… Where did she get it?! Anyway that’s not my business, nor do I care. He says that she’s had it for years & it’s something that develops, he says that he just sprayed his mouth with Glen 20 & says it takes like shit. “Good, I hope you choke on it!” He knows how to push my buttons “I can’t believe you live with someone with an STI & give me shit about being dirty… Fuck you are an asshole sometimes…” He says he’s joking but he should know how this feels. He says that the 3sum they had the guy came really quickly & had on a condom. “The mind boggles” & I laugh… Fuck he’s so annoying… He tells me that she always got my “sloppy seconds” when he did fuck her, he’d usually have fucked me before. OMG.

He tells me to calm down, he’s clean & I’m immunised, however he’s still fucking her without a condom obviously!? He tells me to stop wasting my love on a douche, that he’s the biggest one & then says that he thinks I like his douche side, which I do it turns me on he tells me that I’m fucked in the head, which I know. I mean Jesus I’m still chatting to him after what happened between us so yeah I know that I am not right in the head. I say that I enjoy our banter but that we can fight & still keep chatting, that if he was here, I would probably be bent over the kitchen counter. He agrees & says not to make him hard.

He says “You used to be my slut. Now your everyones” Fuck he’s a cunt. “Yeah… I was… No amount of dick has every replaced the way yours made me feel…” I fucking hate him right now. “Good come back. I’m a complete douche and your still nice.” I know it’s like his little test for me, like the lyrics of one of his favourite bands “I push you away until you beg me to stay just for the thrill of the chase” He says that he avoided me, didn’t stalk me at all in fear of finding out that I was happy & in love with some buff cool guy, that when I was a stranger to him on the app he realised that I was still in love with him. I tell him that I was trying not to think about the crazy sex they were having so I was trying to fill a void by fucking so many men, but he says that his sex is a lot calmer now & gone back to how it was though she sometimes encourages his dom side. I never had to encourage it, he just did it with me… I wonder if either of them ever think about that?!

He changes the subject knowing I am getting angry & asks about my work, I have told him before in earlier conversations that things have changed for me & he asks what. I say that we’re going through a merger, I’ve been moved teams without being consulted & I say while I absolutely love my job, it’s harder & harder to do it everyday because the environment & micromanagement. Also that what I had been working towards for the last 5 years in my job had been taken away from me, that I feel worthless. He says he’s freaking out about what he’s going to do next, that he’s just un-enrolled in uni & I say that I dropped out too last year. He keeps pressuring me to tell him what happened at my work, he says that he’s so scared & that his mum has messaged him to tell him it’s a good package & that he should leave his job but he’s so scared. He tells me not to leave my job, which I have no plans too, I love what I do but I had goals I was working towards & so I am worried about my future. I spill the whole story, which I won’t bore you all with but he says “So they don’t think highly of you ? And there trying to make you unhappy & leave ?” Yeah even he gets it.

We get on the topic of me travelling for work & how grumpy I would get at him if I didn’t get sex “I swear to god if you went one week without sex you were the grumpiest bitch ever” I laugh, I remember being grumpy when he didn’t find time to fuck me.

I tell him that I am eating & he says “Good look after yourself” I tell him that I am very aware that I have an eating disorder due to the stressors at work, that I discuss it with my psychologist all the time. He says that his eating disorder is the opposite to mine, he says he eats his feelings. I used to eat shit, but never ate a lot but somehow I was over 100kgs when I turned 30, but I’m hoping that being on three weeks holidays I can get back into a normal eating cycle, with a week away in Brisbane. He says that he’s stressed too & pissed off I noticed him shaking yesterday at lunch, I was shaking too, he says that he was so nervous & that it’s weird to be nervous around me. I agree, I mean this guy knows almost everything about me, has seen every inch of me, had touched every part of me & yet we were nervous. Then he catches me off guard.. “I wish we could of dated…” FUCK.

Fuck I wish I got to date him too. I mean I always wanted too, we did get a few dates but nothing like I would have wanted to do with him, movies & dinners… But I tell him I’ve been wet all day chatting to him & he says that he’s hard & sends me a picture as proof, as if I need it because I know he would be hard if he tells me he is. He says he wish he felt how wet I was when we met, that he was hoping to finger me but was definitely not going to fuck me. “Stop encouraging this, We can’t fuck! We just friends biatch.” Then he tells me he freaked out about my perfume because it was strong, but it was just normal & he says that he doesn’t normally get this hard this often. “Should of come over and fucked me today dammit” JESUS! I thought he just said we aren’t having sex!!! He says that it’s his day off & his daughter sleeps from about 11:30 am to 2:30 pm, so he could have a couple of hours with me… OMFG! Would I go? To his house… Again?!

I say that we could control ourselves but he says that we can’t. I am desperate to see him again, I am dying to feel his hands on me to be honest, I am pissed off that I didn’t touch him more at hungry jacks, even innocent touches. I tell him I have a little fantasy that I think about a lot when I cum he says to please share “I’m tied up… Usually wrists to ankles, with the vibe on my clit, nipple clamps on, the vibe set to the prick setting making me dripping wet… I keep begging you to cum but you just watch & tell me not to move but I keep moving so you slap my face. Then grab it roughly & tell me to do as I’m told so I lay still, like a good girl till I’m begging you to cum again… Which is when you slip your cock in, choke me & make me cum on your cock.” He says that it’s very hot fantasy & he loves it. I remind him of the one & only time he slapped me across the face consensually during sex, he ripped off the body stocking I was wearing, choked me with it then slapped my face, I loved it… “I trusted you with everything. You could’ve done anything to me.” he says that he knows. He says that he’s so hard & we sext for a bit longer before he has to go to school pick up. He says “Your lucky I don’t come over and rape you” & I know that he can’t but fuck I want him so badly…

We talk about all our videos & gifs & pictures, he said that he lost them recently with the calculator app when he got a new phone. I tell him that I have them all on USB, well my sister has it all. He asks why & I know he knows, I tell him that I was prepared to be hurt by his partner “I have no doubt she would of killed you if she went to you …. She got close to stabbing me lol” Ummmm, how is that funny?! He says that he held a knife, a piece of mirror & a bottle at him then night she found out about me. FUCK me… Really?! He says he never admitted to her about me going to their house & I say “At least she can feel safe in her house” not like me, who’s installed security cameras & told my neighbours to watch out for her car.

He then kind of turns all the stuff of me being kinky or liking rope, going to swingers parties & maslins & uses it against him & how he’s not cool & wouldn’t do that stuff. I snap & remind him that I didn’t have sex for months after we ended, he then comes back online with a matching account to her in an open relationship, telling me how hot his sex life is that I snapped & went out to fuck anything & everything I could. Trying to find a connection like I had with him… He says “I’m just giving you shit out of jealousy” which I know but he’s a dick when he does, I know him so well, he says that he wouldn’t have gone with me if I asked & he would have stopped me from going if we were together, but well, we probably didn’t need to go to a party being our sex life is so hot but if I asked, he would have gone with me. He says that I don’t know him that well if I think that… Well maybe not? We have a fight over who is the biggest loser, not of weight but who is the biggest loser in life, I think I am winning being he thinks everything I do is stupid… He says a very quick abrupt good bye “Gotta go, chat later. Love you you loser” OMG, he’s said it today. I say that I love him back & he’s gone! I lay down to have a nap…

I wake up & stupidly check the app, I have told him that I want to use the chat app with him so I can get notifications cos it’s annoying looking at this app constantly waiting for his messages… I sit bolt upright when I read his latest line of messages “I was hoping for a better goodbye but tried to warn you ! This isn’t healthy though #IBD4U , I think you falling more for me the more we talk again and catch up ! But you are so much better than you’ll ever know , be proud of who you and what you have achieved! I honestly think it’s cool you went to swingers parties actually jealous I’d never have the confidence to do it. Your not a loser and fucking amazing x. Love stupidly always. Silverlining”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Is he going to ghost me?

#IBD4U

So Silverlining & I have met after a year of not speaking. We’ve said I love you to each other’s faces. We saw the look in our giveaway eyes. We’ve gotten a few answers. We said the things we needed to say. We’ve felt the ridiculous chemistry that crackles between us. We got a kiss on the lips & a hug. That’s enough right? We’ve scratched the itch, we don’t need to keep going now, we can say goodbye & be happy that we’re both happy?! But are we both happy? (Record for how many times I said happy in one sentence?! Hahaha)

I am driving home – literally so turned on from the electricity between us, but I refuse to message him, he will probably refuse to message me too. I don’t have to wait long before he messages me “Hey stranger” I smirk like a fucking idiot when I see it pop up – I stupidly have the app open as I don’t get notifications on this app. I write back that I am so fucking turned on just by sitting opposite him & I say that I’m stupid, that I wish I touched him more. He says “Phew I thought I was the only one.” Which I’m not sure if he’s referring to being turned on or wanting to touch me. He says that if there wasn’t a dude sitting opposite us the whole time he was going to finger me. OMG that would have been fun…

I say that I’m glad I told him that I loved him, it was hard to say but I really do love him & he reminds me that he had to force it out of me & that he was thinking about fingering me, which made him hard the whole time we were together. I knew he would have a twitching cock, but I didn’t think he’d be hard the whole time!

I say that I tried to stop looking at him because I could the see I want to fuck you look & suggest that next time we sit in the car… OMG – there is going to be a next time?! He says “Boundaries #IBD4U. Gotta keep those boundaries.” But then he agrees that we need to have lunch in the car. Hahaha.

I tell him though that I can control myself, I did want to fuck him but if we met again I could control myself “If I whispered in your ear I wanted to fuck my dirty little slut … You could control yourself? While my fingers circle inside you lil went cunt that always gets dripping for me. I doubt it” Fuck he knows what to say to get me going. I tell him that if he’s doing that to me then that is him not controlling himself, then I send him a picture of me using my vibrator. My god I am so turned on right now, I cum really quickly & he sends me seven messages in a row “#IBD4U. OMG. Fuckik. That is sooo hot. Fuck I want to fuck you. Boundaries ! Lucky I wore baggy pants today.” I tell him that the picture was an accident & he knows I am lying so he laughs. I tell him that we are not having sex & he needs to control himself. Then he says “Why did I find it hotter that I saw you in that cute little dress to and wanted my fingers to touch that cute little wet cunt.” He didn’t say too much about how I looked & he says that he says I looked good several times & that I don’t need to lose more weight. Then when he says “My eye should have told you too !” & I know they did, our eyes when they meet are a dead giveaway. He then asks how much perfume I am wearing today, I mean he makes me feel like I stink but he says he can still smell me & so he’s coating himself in lynx. He says that he thinks that meeting up made things worse because I’m suppose to hate him & not want to fuck him, he asks what I see in him but then he goes for ages & I don’t hear from him, assuming he’s home & deleted the app.

His message when he returns a little later that night “FFS. My sister and her bf were at my parents. I said you were my union rep reviewing my package …” FUCK so they asked who I was”?! “My sister goes in front of my whole family. Apparently you were cheating on k… Keto in hungry jacks. I was like yeah, keto. Then mum asked who I was with. Fuck I’m a good liar.” Interesting, he is not a good liar with me, I can tell by his eyes when he lies to me & his tone… I don’t know how they don’t pick up on it?!

He actually has a moment of weakness & asks my opinion of if he should stay at his job or take the redundancy. “What do you think I should do? And keep in mind I don’t ask for advice or help Often !” I know he doesn’t ask for help & so I tell him that he should take the package & find his passion, I mean I’ve said it to him before but he hasn’t asked me quite like this before… “I’ll be honest with you. I’m sacred shitless.” Fuck I never expect him to be vulnerable with me, even if it is about his work. When he says that he has to go, that he’ll chat later, I say “Love you… xxx” he says “Chat later sexy bitch xx. Probably tomorrow lol. Argh. Love you too x”

FUCK

I go out that afternoon for some wines with a friend, I refuse to tell her what I was up too today. I haven’t really shared what with a lot of friends that I am chatting to him again, I haven’t told anyone but my sister that I was planning on meeting him again & that I actually went through with it. Everyone would tell me not too, they would have the eye roll moments & tell me off for doing it. No one gets it. I don’t even think a lot of you understand why I had to do it. I needed to see if the chemistry was still there, if there was a reason why I was still torturing myself every day thinking of him. I was hoping to see him & it change how I felt about him. I go to bed at 8:30 pm but wake up at all 11:30 pm & can’t sleep thinking about him. I message him late at night to tell him that he’s not the only loser awake at weird times thinking about us. He says that he doesn’t mean to be a burden of a drug. He is my Edward from Twilight. He asks what I was doing up at 5:00 am & asks if I was flicking the bean. I laugh & tell him that I did have some sexy thoughts about him & made myself cum. He asks what were the thoughts “Well, I thought about if you were next to me. How I’d wake you up for sex… then imagined my legs on your shoulders… Your hand roughly grabbing both my wrists above my head, other hand on my throat tightly… Sliding your cock slowly in my very open cunt… Then pounding my super wet pussy hard till I squirted…” He says “Fuck you #IBD4U.” & then I get a hard dick pic from him! We both say how much we miss when I would squirt just from his cock & he says that he’s going to have to jerk off over me today. I say “Are you allowed to masturbate, better get permission” I mean who has masturbate anyway?! Hahaha. We talk about our sex life before, him fucking my tits & cumming on them, how I would wear his cum all day when he did cum on me somewhere, usually my tits & how well I sucked his cock.

I ask him that when he used to wake up at 5:00 am, what the used to think about, was it just sex or something else. “I lamely want to hear from you and speak to you again … Get a message from you …Then think about stuff” I ask so many times but he won’t tell me what stuff… I can only assume about us being together & what our life would be like if he was brave enough to take a chance on me. I ask him if his family know the extent of the affair with me, like how close he was to leaving her & that he was in love with me, I wasn’t just a one night stand & he says that he avoids it at all costs with them, doesn’t tell them anything but says his family love his partner & they even offered for her to stay with them during the break up… OMG. He says he stayed at his parents house the night his stuff spent at my house, I had asked him to stay he but he said he had him mum in his ear, his partner (he uses her name which is rare) in his ear “Don’t ever think it was your fault. Cos it never was. And it hurt me so much thinking you always thought it was your own fault. Killed me hearing that as a stranger. And I’ve always told you can do so much better than me.” I hate when people say that, because if I could do better, then I wouldn’t be single? I tell him that it hurts that he listened to them over me, I was begging him to come stay with me & he listened to them & stayed at his parents house. He says that he will always believe what I tell him over his mum & partner, but that bullshit. He says he has issues of his own, which I know about & that his kids had more impact than he thought. I mean his daughter was only 3 months old at the time, so I get it.

He asks me again since I didn’t answer him before, what do I see in him, he says that I’ve probably fucked 99 guys since him & got Motocross, that I should be forgetting about what I had with Silverlining. I tell him that I can list 5 things without even thinking about it – I know he won’t believe me anyway or find some way to say that this isn’t true but anyway, I list my 5

1. You’re funny (regardless of what you say)
2. You’re devoted to your family
3. You’re passionate & driven (even if at the moment it doesn’t feel like it because of your work circumstances)
4. Our chemistry & connection is unheard of … No one can deny that sparks crackle between us.
5. I love you.

And since I can keep going, I do, before he can say anything

6. You’re also very sexy & good looking (Again despite what you say – you’re not fatter than ever)
7. How honest you are with me… Even when it hurts or upsets me.
8. How you make me feel about myself . You give me confidence & make me feel like there is no one else hotter than me.

I add number 9 when he says exactly what I think he’ll say, about being unemployed & not funny or sexy gruff, gruff, gruff.

9. How well I know you & what you’re thinking.

#IBD4U

After the gym today, some may say that I have a moment of insanity, maybe it’s because he said he was going to kiss me, but I say “Well, I could meet you for lunch today”  FUCK… My plans have changed & I want to get this out of the way… We want to meet, so just fucking do it, I can’t message him any longer without seeing him again. I have to see him, I want to see him, he wants to see me. He replies “Haha, I say I’m going to kiss you and suddenly your free for lunch.” He says that he’s keen for lunch today, if I am too. He says to meet him at 12:00 pm at Hungry Jacks (fucking HJ’s) & with that, I speedily get ready – not caring as much today what I look like & I am in the car driving the old route to his work…

I shake as I drive past his work, thinking that I might see him walking to his car & that might settle me, I am early, because that the stupid shit I do – I hate people who are late – but I can ever run late. I see him drive into the car park as I’m sitting in the car & then walking into the Hungry Jacks with a piece of paper in his hand & his keys. He looks the same as I remember, his shirt looks about 20 sizes too big – but he looks the same. I am wearing a short denim dress that’s button up the front, with long sleeves, I’m wearing cute brown sandals, my hair has fallen perfectly, my makeup is subtle & just right, I feel good. I get out the car as he’s walking past & he sees me. FUCK. He turns to come over towards my car, I am shaking like a leaf – I haven’t seen him for over a year. He looks the same, yet somehow different. He’s tall & I have to stand on my tippy toes & he has to bend to hug & kiss me. We have a lingering hug – the type of hug that makes you feel like you’re home & a kiss on the lips hello, before walking into HJ’s. He tries to get me to order something, but I don’t & can’t eat. It smells gross to me right now. There are too many stressors in my life to be eating. We sit down at a table & he scoffs his meal, we chat semi awkwardly.

I feel it – FUCK, I  feel it… That chemistry, that crackle between us. It was there when we first met, those are the exact words I said over two years ago. It was there every time I saw this man, it never went away. It’s there now, I feel so alive when I’m with him, all my senses are heightened – his smell, how he looks & his touch… Every fibre of my being wants this man. Whether that is right or wrong, I want him. whether he is going to be with me ever, I still want him.  I can feel how much he wants me too, I am certain that I’ve made his cock twitch, if it’s not entirely hard, I know he’s aroused, just by being in my presence…

He shows me the pieces of paper he’s brought along with him, I can’t help but think for an instant that it’s a NDA like Christian Grey. Hahaha. But he’d told me he just had his redundancy meeting & this is his offer. He asks my opinion, if I think he should take it & I say that he should find his passion, how often do we get that chance in life to get a pay out & find what we love doing? If I was ever made redundant, I’d take it for sure.

Silverlining shoves a chip at my mouth & I say that I can’t eat it but he forces me to eat this one chip. He has a sad look in his eyes, begging me to look after myself, that I eat the chip & he smiles. He fidgets with his piece of paper, folding it & unfolding it, trying not to look me in the eyes, knowing that our eyes are a dead give away to each other. I fight with my keys on the table, wanting so badly to reach across the table & hold his hand, I come close to touching his hand, but I chicken out. I can see in his eyes what he’s feeling, so when we do lock eyes, they meet & without words, I know everything I need to know about him. He loves me & I can tell that he is genuinely torn. I know that he says he loves his partner, but there is no way that he looks at her the way he looks at me. I can tell… There are some things you can’t fake. He’s shaking too, I can tell, when he holds the papers, the way he talks, the way he’s acting, I know he’s nervous & this is just as hard for him as it is for me. I can see in his eyes that his is torn, I know he wants this with me, I can feel it, I can see it. But I can also see the anguish of not wanting to leave his family unit either… I can honestly, for the first time, see the absolute struggle he is having between what he thinks he should do & what he wants to do. I saw the struggle the day he was at my house, but that isn’t the same as what I’m seeing now. That day it was too raw & with her messing with his head, he was unsure about what to do, but now in this moment, I can see the hurt & pain he is in being here with me.

Then suddenly a dude appears & Silverlining looks up at him, who is sort of hovering over our table, over the partition while waiting for his food. I just think it’s a weirdo in HJ’s when Silverlining says ‘hey man’ & they ask each other how they are. I just think nothing of it so turn away thinking it’s either a customer from Silverlining’s work or just a random hey between guys who made eye contact – though I didn’t think that Silverlining would be the type to do that. When the guy says bye as he’s walking out & Silverling says see ya man or something, I look up at Silverlining & there is a freaked out look on his face. “FUCK that was my sisters fiancé” Oh now he uses the word fiancé?! WTF.  Fuck me sideways…. I seriously cannot believe that we’ve just been sprung! I ask if he’ll say anything & he says probably to his sister but she won’t say anything to his partner apparently. Well fuck. I am fucked if his partner finds out that he’s had lunch with me! Jesus, of all the places for us to get spotted, I never thought it would be at Hj’s… He doesn’t seem as worried about it as me…

As we sit there chatting about his redundancy & how shit things are for me at work, I am still playing with his keys, wanting so badly to reach out & touch his hands, which are so close to me. He’s fidgeting with the paper still, that I feel like he wants to touch him too, but he’s holding back. We always hold back with each other. However, I fucking can’t bring myself to do it. This is a man who has been intimate with me on so many levels, seen every part of me physically, yet I can’t reach out & touch his hand. What if he pulls away because he realises that this is a mistake, meeting me again? Seeing me again? I always struggle with affection, I know I’ve done it with other men too, but this guy is different, isn’t he? Why can’t I touch him? I guess it’s lucky I didn’t because how would he explain that to his brother-in-law-to-be?

When he looks me dead in the eye, I almost know what’s coming, our time is almost up, he has to go back to work & so he says “Is there anything you want to say to me?” I know what he is referring too, I know what he wants me to say. He’s always said it first, he said it in message first when we admitted it finally, he said it first in real life when he was at my house & he’s admitted who he was first when we were strangers & that he still loved me first this time, I know he wants me to say that I love him first now that we’re face to face… It’s something he knows I struggle with & to be honest, I probably would wait for him to say it if he didn’t prompt me like this. But I need to do this too, I should have already said it, it was my regret, why haven’t I said it yet? I can’t joke about this, I can’t be a dick about it either, this is my time to tell him what I am feeling, what I feel, my big regret can be reversed here. I shouldn’t need to be prompted but I am going to do it. I look him in the eye, he’s looking at me wanting to hear it just as much as I want to say it, I can see that in his eyes, he needs to hear it from me, probably more than I need to say it “I love you Silverlining” he smiles as it washes over him, a look in his eye that I know he feels it, he doesn’t say it back so I say “Is there anything you want to say to me?” & laugh & he says “I love you #IBD4U” OH FUCK. There is nothing I like more than saying this to him, to his face, to rectify things I regretted before. Despite what you all think of him, if I am doing the wrong thing, but I love him & there is nothing I can do to change that right now.

#IBD4U

I literally am in a daze. I have just been bailed on for meeting the man that I am still in love with for lunch. How fucking stupid do I feel!?

Over the course of the next hour, I do not look at the app. I don’t get notifications from it either, so I try to do something to keep busy. When I see his name pop up as he’s sent me an email. The title says “Photo in hospital to prove I’m not lying.” & the body of the email contains a photo of her arm in bed & part of the hospital room & he writes “I deleted the app as I do regularly and it won’t Let me send a pic … I didn’t lie or mean to hurt you today …” I stare at it for ages. I notice the date on the whiteboard, it’s today’s date. It kind of fucks me off that he thinks I would imply that he’s lying to me. I check the app & see several messages from him too “I really didn’t mean to make you feel stupid or not go through with I swear to god. She’s knocked out on morphine right now and I’m bored outta my brains. I sent you a pic of hospital as proof as I’m lame haha. And I feel so bad for letting you down. To your email cos the app won’t let me” I don’t reply for ages. I can’t. I am hurt, I know it’s not his fault but I am feeling so foolish… Why did I even think meeting him was a good idea… When has anything ever gone my way with this man?!

Despite all your advice that you give me on Facebook, trust me if you were telling me this story, I would tell you to run a mile too – walk away. But somehow I can’t help myself. He tugs at my heart strings & I can’t help but be drawn back in. I write to his app messages & his email on the app snapping “I never said you were lying” I know that if he’s made plans to see me & he changed his mind, that he would just tell me that it’s not a good idea, he wouldn’t make up a story that I could easily verify just by walking into her work. It takes all of my effort not to write more, but I am upset, I am not angry, I am just numb & hurt by this. He tells me that being at the hospital is the last place he wants to be, he hates them & he’s worried that his ‘crazy ass random event’ happens at the exact same times he’s supposed to meet me, he thinks it looks suss… Well it does, but I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t use a stupid excuse not to see me, I know that he would tell me the truth & he would bail, he says that he really wanted to see me today & I say that it’s lucky he emailed because the app doesn’t give me notifications & I only checked it because I got the notification of his email. He didn’t realise that I had to check the app every time I got a message from him & I say “Yeah cos I’m a foolish wanker” he tells me that I am not, as usual, but I am such a fool. “Well only a fool would love me. Your not a fool. Your sexy and smart and far from a fool. You’re the smartest person I’ve chatted to ever. So many chicks are dumb online.” Fuck I am so dumb… I am not smart at all when it comes to him… “What smart woman spends an hour getting ready so it doesn’t look like I put in that much effort. To sit in front of the heater alone watching Netflix? Yeah so smart!” I want to make him feel bad, even though it’s not his fault. I want him to realise how much effort I give him & he treats me badly, even if he couldn’t help it. “I know you put in a lot of effort and would of look super cute for me … You wanted my eyes to give you the look they always do. And I would of noticed. I’m sorry #IBD4U , I really am.” He also says that he didn’t want to have sex with me today so he’s not sure why I wore lingerie. I am not sure either, I mean we were meeting at Hungry Jacks. I wasn’t planning on fucking him, but with the weight I’ve lost due to work stress, this is the only bra that fits me, so I wore the matching panties. I tell him this & that I won’t fuck him without condoms anyway & I don’t have any. I know he’s trying to joke here, but it makes me furious “Haha well no point really fucking then , I know how you feel and it’s not the same. But I don’t blame you either. And I feel the same way about you , god knows how many guys you’ve been with since me.” Did he seriously just say that to me!? His partner has a confirmed STI… “Actual fuck you for saying that Silverlining. I’ve been STI tested 4 times since knowing you, 3 times since we ended…” Fuck he’s a jackass.

He sends me pictures of his sandwich & says something about eating carbs which is how he knows he’s feeling shit, because he’s been doing keto. I don’t reply. Fuck him. “I’m a dick. FFS. Please eat and look after yourself. Ps my partner hasn’t looked you up on Facebook in a while. Just checked while she’s passed out lol” OMG so now he goes through her phone too? These two are fucking insane! He says that he’s looked at her chat app too & seen a picture of Crows & says that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on him being he’s so unreliable when I could have Crows – well first I couldn’t have Crows as he is just as unreliable. & I tell Silverlining to stop looking at men I’ve fucked & torturing himself. Fucking stop stalking people… (What he should have said to his partner about stalking me!) “You’re being so rude to me. Push me away all you want, it didn’t stop me from loving you before. What makes you think it’ll work now?” I am fucking over it. He says that ‘curiosity got the worse of him’ Yeah I’ll say it did… He basically just called me a skank with an STI. He says that he didn’t call me that & doesn’t hold it against me how many men I’ve been with since him 12 months ago. But he clearly is holding it against me. He guesses 12 & I didn’t really think that he would try to guess – this is not a good idea. I don’t want to tell him that number. He says he knows I was trying to tell him things to make him jealous when we were strangers & he’s right, I was & did. He says that I’ve always been an oversharer & why we couldn’t be friends. “And why we shouldn’t be friends!” I can’t believe he’s said that “Coming from ‘Mr I’m choking my partner tonight after she’s fucked some guy & sent me pictures…” & his reply makes me laugh – stupidly “We can go back to pretending to be strangers ?” then he asks how I found that out, I mean he fucking told me!! He doesn’t remember telling me that. Well I guess we’re both oversharers. “I was always more honest with you than I was with my partner , probably still am.” I don’t get why you would want to be with someone that you either have to or choose to lie too?

We talk about the guy that I fucked that I cried with after Silverlining & a few other guys, he gets all judgy about me doing rope & the people that go to that too & I try to just stop replying but I can’t. “I’ve only fucked my partner since you too btw” That makes me feel oddly smug! I am glad of that to be perfectly honest, he says that he never had much luck & she even tried to get him girls too but she couldn’t. I can’t help but think sucked in you asshole. He tells me that his partner fucked three guys but he got nothing! OMG – Why is he telling me this?!

He says she tried pretty hard with Crows but he wouldn’t fuck her & this other guy the one of my friends used to fuck regularly, but she never did. That has made me feel smug too, the fact that people on the chat app are more loyal to me than I thought they would be. He asks why I am not still fucking Crows & I explain that he called me beautiful & then I never saw him again, not sure if they were related but it was weird. “You do look beautiful. I bet you looked so beautiful for me today.” FUCK.

Silverlining tells me that he’s too embarrassed to tell me what his hobby is, he tells met that his phone broke a few months back & it took him ages to fix it so he had time to do things that he wanted too do & he wasn’t so obsessed with social media. He says that he has to go & I say to tell me, then he’s gone. The next morning he says “Fun fact , my partner has always put down my interest and hobbies my whole life and is openly honest about calling me a loser about it.” WTF?! Why aren’t these 2 supporting each other?! I bet she has hobbies that he might think is lame, but doesn’t tell her… Though fun fact, Silverlining has put down my interests in rope about a million times, even to the point where if things didn’t go south with the people who ran the club, I probably would have stopped going anyway… So in fact, he’s no better! But I guess it’s easy to put me down to make himself feel better about the fact he thinks he’s not good enough for me. I tell him that it hurts me that he thinks that I would ever put him down for his interests & hobbies. I would never do that, I am always supportive of everything he’s ever chosen to do. I hate that he puts me down for something he doesn’t understand after now confessing that that’s what his partner does to him, I’m surprised that he would do it to me, knowing how it feels.

He sends me 15 messages to basically tell me that his hobby is buying old computers off Facebook marketplace, doing them up & selling them… OMG. Why would he even think that I would judge him for that, I know that he’s got a thing for computers & gaming consoles, I mean all he brought to my house was fucking computer shit, why would he think that I didn’t realise that what he is into? I say that it’s adorable, but he just thinks he’s a major geek. It is geeky, but like I say to him, at least he’s not wasting his money on cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, he’s actually doing something with his time.

He changes the topic “Oh yeah even though I wasn’t going to fuck you yesterday (despite wanting too lol) I really wanted to give you a hug and kiss you.” OH FUCK. I am at the gym, going on with my life, I’m assuming that he’s called in sick to look after her, so I say goodbye assuming he’ll be gone when I am done. He says that she’s off today anyway – she won’t take medication when she feels a migraine coming on & then this type of thing happens but he’s at work today. Seriously, if I was admitted to hospital, I would make my partner stay at home – these two are weirdos! “I was going to kiss you … no matter what … really wanted to kiss you.” FUCK.

#IBD4U

The next morning, I wake up to nothing from Silverlining. He’s so predictable, he says that he gets to start work late so hasn’t got out of bed yet. He says that he can’t always be easy on me, making him message first, which I know he hasn’t done at all, even as a stranger.

He tells me never to have kids, getting them ready for school is a nightmare, I slip in the fact that I can no longer have them anyway & he says that he wants to get the snip. He asks why I can’t have them & I tell him that I made my decision permanent. “Wow. You know if everything went right with me leaving my partner and I lost custody of my kids I would of begged you to have kids right ?” Well I reply that he would of got sole custody, what judge is giving his mentally ill partner custody, “I would’ve had a kid with you” even if he had custody – which is fucking hard for me to admit, but I would of had a child, possibly even children with him. I would have had his child, if he asked… FUCK that is hard to admit. I say that I can still technically have a child, I’d just have to do IVF. I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t have even said anything about not wanting kids way back when we were together, if then that wouldn’t have been a factor – it might’ve been easier for him to leave her, knowing there was that chance to have children with me!? I’ll never know, if I asked now, he would say no anyway.

He also says that he didn’t actually want sole custody (& I kept pushing that down his throat – maybe another mistake on my part.) but he didn’t want them in another state & him not able to see them at all, which is what she threatened. Would things be different if I wasn’t so against having kids of my own?! He always said I hated kids, which I do not, I love kids, I just didn’t want them of my own. But I know that if we were together & he asked me to have one, I would have.

While I’m spending a lot of time getting ready for our lunch date – trying to look effortlessly put together, we are messaging constantly. He tells me that he can’t ever join the chat app again as he made way too many enemies on there, that I have too many friends on there & that his partner still has it on her phone. Oh good, so she’s probably stalking me on there. He says that she tried but couldn’t find me – OMFG. What the fuck is wrong with this person… He says that she went back on dating apps a few times too, enjoying the chatting with people more than he thought she would. He says that he lost interest when it all started getting back to me. He didn’t know how connected I was & that anything would get back to me. He says something about liking the gratification of how women make him feel on internet chat, even if he’s never going to do anything with them, he’s gratified. It’s so weird how this man is so insecure about how he looks in my eyes yet, other women tell him he’s sexy or has a big dick & he believes them. It fucks me off to be honest. I mean I get that he thinks that I’m too good for him but yet he also knows that I was in love with him – he says he saw it in my eyes, but yet doesn’t believe me when I tell him his good looking?! Fuck he’s confusing.

When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit! I ask if he’s ok with her stalking me daily & he says “I’m the one that had an affair .. What say do I have” OMG. Is he serious?! Just tell her to fucking stop or block my profile on her phone when she’s not looking, fucking hell he’s a dickhead sometimes. He says that he reckons they’ll break up when the kids are in high school – I can’t help but think about what type of life either of them & their kids are having when she brings me up daily.

But then he says “Might have to pull out of today” & I start shaking… I knew it… FUCK. “My partner is in super look out today. Or push it back later so it doesn’t look suss” OMG. I snap & tell him not to pull out now, I’m about to fucking leave to meet him. “My partner is in overdrive today ffs.” I tell him to just go to the gym near his work & he says that he’s already been to the gym & she’s noticed that he’s done that differently today than usual. He says she got angry because he didn’t reply when he was in the shower. OMG, so he has to shower at certain times of day on the days he works late or she gets angry?! “Your name comes up daily she doesn’t let me forget you I assure you …” I am fucking fuming that he is bailing now. He says that he can meet me still but at 12:00 pm, not 11:00 am, he sends me a screenshot of her texts to him – I’m not sure why, I assume to prove whats happening, she sends a lot in a row “I’m so fucking pissed off. I hate having a period, I hate cunts that call in sick cos they are lazy. My fucking head is pounding and my neck is killing me. Wat r u doing. I’m having a meltdown” Yeah I can see that… FUCK. He says that he’s in the shower, she replies “Y. R U being dodgy” OMG. I know he cheated on her but fucking hell, he’s at home, she can track him – obviously she is so knows he’s at home… He tells her that he just finished at the gym “That wasn’t long. U masturbate too. I’m in a foul mood. I have a headache. I want maccas.” He says that she just pinged his phone too (I don’t really know what that means & I don’t ask), to see where he is?! OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level, why do either of them want to live like this!? He says that she didn’t think that she would be watching so closely today, that the leash is tight. “I’ll still meet you at 12. How’s that for having a go at my jerking off too lol…” I ask why he’s not allowed to jerk off & he says because he doesn’t want sex as much when he does, but she also uses her vibes on her days off & when he works late but he says nothing – yeah TMI Silverlining, thanks… I try to give him an alibi for why he would be at work early, but he’s freaking out now & I highly doubt we’ll meet.

He says she’s in crazy mode today that they have good days & bad days, but I come up almost daily. I ask why either of them stay & he says “Kids. We do love each other.” I can’t help my reply “What a happy environment.” I know I am not going to see him today & he’s being a fuck wit. “I do love my partner just like love you. May not be on the same level and connection but yeah” NO, NO, NO. I am angry “You do not love me the same way as you love her.” FUCK NO he doesn’t. I tell him that neither of them are in love at all, she just doesn’t want me to have him & so she makes him suffer & he allows it. He says that she’s forgiven him but will never forgive me. AGAIN, why the fuck does she have to forgive me for? I didn’t have a commitment to her – have kids with her, tell her that I love her then lied to her daily for over a year while I fell in love with someone else, how can she even care about me!? I am fucking pissed at this conversation & then it happens…

“Okay. I’m really sorry #IBD4U. But her work just rang me to pick her up. She thinks about you daily… Says your name daily. Has even asked 3 times this week if I’m chatting to your or emailing. It’s like she sensed it. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid today. I’m terrible sorry.” I don’t reply, I just sit there staring at it. He sends“Probably ghost me now …” I wish I could do that, then he sends “Thursday lunch ?” I ignore his messages & message Motocross to have lunch with me but he can’t meet me as his with his mechanic apparently.

Ironically Silverlining’s partner ‘hates cunts who call in sick cos they’re lazy’ & now she’s going home sick because she doesn’t trust her partner… OMG…. I snap… “What can I say? Like really what can I say? I skipped gym this morning – actually ate something too then I’m sitting here dressed, looking super cute (even stupidly am wearing lingerie.) & ready to meet my ex boyfriend who I’m still in love with for lunch & he bails… Don’t’ make promises you can’t keep. We’ll just play it by ear” His replies come quickly. “Fuck super cute and lingerie … It was a pretty certain thing … This just came up … Your not going to believe me but yeah. Good bye for then. For now.” I am so heartbroken… I reply “Was never going to fuck you. I don’t have any condoms. But wore it in case you saw it. Hope she’s ok. Bye” He replies “I didn’t intend on fucking you … Why would I see it. Bye” I don’t reply but he sends about 40 minutes later “So I just got to her work and they have taken her to hospital. You can’t make this shit up hey.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I can’t look at the app anymore. I am so fucking hurt. So gutted. So stupid. I know it’s not his fault at what has happened today, I know that this is what I’m in for when I started chatting to him again too, I know that she’s still in the background – apparently for another 10 years till the kids are in high school, but I didn’t think I would feel so foolish ever again… & yet here I am, all dressed up & no where to go!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

We’re all hanging here! I know… I am barely breathing. I ask what, what the fuck could he possibly want to ask me, in the few seconds that it takes for him to respond, I have a million thoughts, mostly about him leaving her & wanting to make a go of it with me, with my heart beating so fast, waiting for his question, when it finally pops up it says “Have you eaten breakfast loser ?” I literally burst out laughing, a sigh of relief, almost spitting out my breakfast & so I send him a picture of the protein shake I’m drinking. I say I drank half & he says “Drink all of it fuck head.” I say “yes sir” & he says “good girl” & I can’t help but smile like a tool. It’s just like old times.

He says something about his protein shake & I say I always drank his protein shot like a good girl or let him rub it into my tits, I remind him that I used to wear it all day long. He says that he misses that so much & asks how many guys I’ve let cum on my face since him. When he asks stuff like this, I wonder if he actually knows me at all, I mean he knows how long it took me to do it with him, he knows he was the first guy I ever allowed to do that to me too, so when I tell him zero & he says bullshit. I do wonder how he thinks he knew me better than I knew him, when he thinks that shit about me. He knows that I always said that I never let random guys get the best of me. Only one guy since him has been allowed to fuck me in the ass. I have fucked a lot of guys but I definitely don’t let them cum on my face!

I tell him that I never used to like cum on me at all but his reaction to it, made me love it, I wanted to please him & I loved that look he gave me when he rubbed it into my tits or saw it on my face. Not that he came on my face a lot.

We get back on to the subject about him avoiding me, avoiding my fetlife account & avoiding anything on the anonymous app that he thought was me, he says that it was fun being strangers but he had a hunch fairly early on & was wondering how he was going to reveal himself to me “Was gonna be like you’re #IBD4U Surname and your street name which I see every fucking day on the way to work” OMG, I always wondered if he noticed that my street name is on a sign on his way to work, it would be hard not to notice it as it’s a giant sign but I never thought that he would notice that, didn’t think he’d notice it weekly, let alone daily. I think that is so fucking adorable. He continues that he knew I was wasn’t dumb, I knew his timetable but then I played dumb when he tried to reveal himself & he freaked out that I didn’t know. I say that I wondered if he ever paid attention to the street name or even when he sees cheezels. He says that he noticed the street name every fucking day. He says that I got angry at being cat fished but I was cat fishing him. I did not cat fish him at all, I was 100% me at all times. I changed a few details & didn’t disclose everything but I was 100% myself.

I tell him that I was desperate to message him on his birthday this year, but I didn’t. He says that he doesn’t remember any birthdays or his kids, so he doesn’t know mine but he says it’s really sweet that I wanted to message him & says that I must really love him… Well Durh! I did also think of his daughter on her first birthday & wondered what they were doing for it. I saw her at the show & say that she super cute. His replies come so quickly that I am smiling the whole time “She’s fucking adorable. Omg she’s sooooo cute. She’s daddy’s little girl now lol. I fucking love her so much. She’s a sassy little bitch with attitude sometimes tho”  I tell him that he is fucking adorable & he replies “ok I’m not adorable. I don’t do adorable”  OMG I want to hug him! FUCK. That is so cute. Him as a dad is literally the cutest thing ever. “I’m manly and cool and stuff okay. Silverlining and adorable don’t go in the same sentence.”

When he says “Important question time because I’m legit worried about you”  I know that it’s probably going to be about me eating “Have you eaten some lunch ?” Fuck I love him… FUCK FUCK FUCK. He tells me not to lie to him & I have eaten something small however I’m at work on my holidays fixing up some stuff so I am not in a frame of mind to be eating. I tell him not to worry, I’m still fat – although I remember when Motocross said something about my weight & said that I weighed 68kgs, I forget why we were talking about weight but I love that Motocross thinks I’m that small. I wish! I tell Silverlining that I still have at least 10kgs to lose & his quick replies again catch me off guard “No you don’t. You look fine how you are. I found you incredibly hot when I was with you. You don’t need to lose anymore. I want you to do me a favour. Don’t look at the scales again. Stop looking at your scales. You were beautiful the way you were before. And if you have lost more weight , are fitter and smaller. Your even more beautiful now.” OMFG Why am I not with this guy!?

I send him some pictures & he says that I look stunning. Never have I heard him call me stunning – maybe he did once or twice before. He’s not said beautiful much, but he has a few times… But I don’t think he’s ever said stunning. I send some more pictures & he says that some guys got lucky those nights. However every single picture I send him, I went home alone. He says that the doesn’t believe me. “Like I said, I’m not as amazing as you seem to think…”  He says that he thinks I’m amazing. FUCK. Then I realise that he actively sought out the song to listen to this morning & say how fucking cute that is, but he tries to deny it.  (OMG our conversations jump all over the place! Hahaha)

When he says that he wants to know who catfished him on the anonymous app ages ago, I can’t help but think not this old chestnut. I mean it’s an anonymous app, I don’t know how anyone could seek him out to catfish him on purpose. I can’t even listen to him blame me again for doing that when I didn’t, but if he was so suspicious of the woman, why did he give his partners account to her to chat to too?! He says that he never told his partner about the anonymous app, that she doesn’t know about it at all because it wasn’t part of his affair with me… OMG another lie by omission! He keeps telling me who he suspects it was, but it was no one I know – no one told me anyway. Our relationship, now in my experience after sharing with you guys especially from your comments & messages, that it was not uncommon. ‘Married man falls for mistress, wife finds out but husband stays with wife & leaves mistress hurt.’ So if someone else had a similar experience, then he just happened to find them to discuss it with, it was just a coincidence. Or maybe a friend of mine, but no one ever confessed to it.  I mean all the things his partner was saying about me on the chat app was getting back to me, she told so many people so many things. So I am not surprised that he felt like I was catfishing him. However, for the record, I did not. Anytime I’ve wanted to talk to him, I have used my own profile, I wouldn’t try to be someone else. I always told him that if I wanted to find something out, I knew where she worked, I would just walk into her work & talk to her or I just asked him. But I am not going to pretend to be someone else on an app to get information. I was getting it readily from random people anyway for free, I didn’t need to go to the trouble of making fake accounts & stalking the anonymous app waiting for him to post.

He says that he listened to the song because of me – see our conversation jumping around, which he says just as I say that I’ll let it go, but he says fuck you because he already replied before I said I’d let it go. I cheekily add “You can fuck me..” but he says “Your seeing someone you can’t make that offer to me lol.” Well that’s a bit rich, isn’t it? “Says the partnered man who fucked me for a year!”  He can’t deny that “Oops. It’s your fault!” Bahaha, not the fuck is that my fault. “You tempted me too much. Your tempting me already ffs”  I know he’s joking so I say that it’s not my fault that he had soooo many women lined up. “Yeah but one pushed me over the edge and i actually did it. Organized a way to see her .. Weekly too … The last thing we should do is fuck… That would be soooo unhealthy. I won’t deny that I wanted to this morning. I knew my partner was distracted , I got stuck with kid drop off  so only had 20 mins at the gym , which isn’t worth it. Lol” OMG so he’s thinking about ways to see me!? I say that I want to see him again, maybe if we just meet for lunch. He asks when I am on holidays, I say that I’m already on holidays but don’t fly out for another week. He says “I’m on a tight leash these days …” I literally laugh “I’m well aware of that, I didn’t ask you to go to QLD. I just asked to see you for lunch” He says that he could do tomorrow or when I say Thursday he says that he has his daughter all day. It’s Tuesday tomorrow so I know he works late, he says that we could meet before work, at like 11:00 am. He suggests that we could do it at my local shops because he can get a hair cut or that we can just do lunch near his work. I think a place near his work where no one would see us that we know, would be better. There are too many people that could see us at the local shopping centre. Even though he’s planning where to meet me, he says “I think it’s a baddddddd idea.” However he is planning it & thinking about it. He tells me that we’ll meet at hungry jacks (Burger king for out of towners) at 11:00 am. I laugh my head off, of all the places close to this work, cafes & everything, he picks fucking hungry jacks! I ask why & he says that it was the unsexiest place he could think of. He says that he has to go now, but asks when I’m back from Qld, which I am there a week so he says he had an idea for Sunday but that won’t work, being I’ll be away. He says that this is a bad idea- yet again, yet he fucking is planning when he can see me!  He says the idea was a badddd idea for Sunday, I suggest he calls in sick & he says don’t tempt me. I say lets just settle on a lunch for now & we say good bye. I can’t bring myself to write love you so I send the heart with 3 kisses. He does the same back & he’s gone.

FUCK! I want to meet him, I want to see him… But fuck he’s right, this is a bad idea… This is not wise but I can’t resist. I never could resist him & the fact that I know he’s thinking of different ways to see me, just spurs me on, making me want it more too. I can’t believe that I am going to see him face to face tomorrow – after a year. I am so excited, nervous & apprehensive about seeing him, but I know as stupid as it is, but I need to do it!

#IBD4U

I read a meme once that said ‘Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers & don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.’ I was going to use this message as my heart that I always post on Instagram for a blog one day, however I’m not sure I believe it anymore – for me. I did used to believe this, I mean I tried to explain to Silverlining what I felt, what I wanted & he didn’t listen, but not because he didn’t want to listen but because he didn’t want to believe it, that’s on him, not on me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to explain myself & get answers from him about that. Finding out that his regret was doing what he called the ninja pack up – I said he was a thief in the night, but I like his analogy, that it literally is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am glad that I fought for some answers here.

I don’t need to explain myself to you guys or justify why I am doing what I’m doing – you don’t have to read if you don’t like the direction my story is going! But I now know he still loves me, thinks about me & has regrets… I always wondered if he regretted meeting me or getting involved with me, I never regretted meeting him or getting involved with him. I know we probably won’t be together, we both say that we’re not sure we should be talking right now or if we can even be friends now or in the future, but for now I think we both need this.

His question about me eating catches me off guard, he actually asks if I’ve eaten, which I haven’t eaten much, things super stressful at work but I just can’t face eating. He says that he doesn’t understand what I see in him – why I am still crazily in love with him, I remind him that he doesn’t believe me anyway but I’m pretty sure that he’s crazily in love with me too. I never wanted to lose him. “I do still crazily love you , I didn’t want to lose you , but I know it was getting to the point where it was hurting too much. Eat something now you twat face. I’ll fucker Uber you maccas if your careful.” I say that I just can’t eat, but it’s not about him, he says “Eat something. For me. Eat something. Eat Something.” I tell him I can’t eat & then his replies come through repeatedly, I think he’s going nuts replying the same thing over & over but then we both laugh at the fact the app is fucking up. He tells me to tell him what I have eaten today & what I am eating right now, I literally laugh but am smirking at how much he actually cares about me, he tells me to look after myself & eat, I say that I am looking after myself & he replies “Not eating is not looking after yourself , dumb fuck” I laugh & say I could eat his dick… OMG, why is it so easy to flirt with him. Though that’s always been our thing, right, anytime we’re serious we talk about sex, distracts the other. It works “You’re getting worse #IBD4U Stop making me want to fuck you” I act all innocent, what?! Hahaha & he says my dirty flirty. He says he can’t help it when he’s around me, but I need to stop encouraging him. He needs to stop encouraging me!

I don’t even realise what I am writing till I hit send “I would totally fuck you, stupid as it is… My god, no one has ever made me feel the way you do… Even just to chat too…” He tells me off, that I should never tell a man I would fuck them just to chat to them that men would use that to their advantage. Which isn’t exactly what I said but anyway “You’re not just any guy Silverlining. You’re the first guy I ever fell in love with, you’re the first guy for so much stuff… It’s insane how many firsts we had.” I mean I had quite a lot of sex before Silverlining, I’m not going to lie (You’ve all read about it! Hahaha) however it was mainly one night stands or someone I saw only a few times, so I never got to really experiment or try new things like I did with him. “You were a lot of firsts for me too…” which I find hard to believe but I know he finds it hard to believe that he had so many firsts with me too.

“Fuck you make me smile” & I melt… Like a wanker, my ice queen exterior is no longer there… I have told him I want to see him again, I now really want it but I just ask how I make him smile, I haven’t really said anything to make him smile really & he says that I just do, that our chats just make him smile. I didn’t think I said anything to make him smile, but he says that I make him smile with a lot of the things I have said. I think he realises where this conversation is going os he asks quickly how I knew it was him on the app after I saw him at the show. I say that I just knew from his pattern & I had a feeling. He says he knew I knew but didn’t want to say that he knew. “I know you’ll log off soon, cos you’ll be home… We’re both going off to different people tonight. But do know that I love you. With all my heart… More than I should… More than I want to admit.” I almost start tearing up but I know Motocross will be at my house soon for our date. “I love you Silverlining.” I get three messages back “#IBD4U this isn’t healthy … FFS. I love you too …” Within in 2 days of admitting who we are, we’ve said we’re still in love but not like this… I fucking love him. “I want to make you smile. I want to make you remember… I want us to be together. I want us to be friends… Don’t just ignore me tomorrow.” He says that he won’t but assumes that my work is super busy for me. I tell him I am basically invisible at my job now, I am doing everything I can to stay there because I love my job, he even says that knowing how much I love what I do. But I am annual leave as of tomorrow so I have three weeks off. He talks about hiding out the back since he’s been made redundant & I ask if there are any spots he could fuck me in, then I say remember fucking me in the ass in his office. He tells me off for making him hard & says that’s the hottest thing he’s ever done at work. I remember the next time I fucked him in his office when he used a USB cable & he asks who thinks of that shit, I’m like you dude – no one had ever been that spontaneous with me before. We talk about fucking in the ass, I say that only one guy has done it with me since him & he says that he hasn’t done it since me they tried but it was too awkward & she didn’t like it… WOW what a surprise – NOT.

I say that I expected him to be having this amazing sex life, she rimmed him but he says that she hasn’t done it in ages & it’s calmed down now. I say that I would never calm down if he was in my bed every night. He says I wish & I’m like well you could’ve had it. He replies “Oh I know … I wanted it … I was so close … I believed it …” He then tells me that he still chokes her & goes into dom mode but that’s about it. He says they have good sex but not like sex we had. I say that she will never be like me & he agrees that no one will ever be like me. I have a moment of high self esteem & tell him that I am one of a kind & he says that he knows. I say that I don’t think he knows that I am & he says that he does but asks why I think that. “You’re willing to stay with her when not only do we have amazing sex, but we also have an amazing connection… A strong bond that even after a year, can’t be broken…” his reply annoys me “Life gets complicated … kids and stuff. Your one of a kind and i fucking know it. You can’t deny I didn’t love you.” He says that he has to go & that this isn’t healthy – yet again, I tell him that I love him & say that we’ll see how long he lasts not chatting to me. He says chat later & three kisses.

I go on my date with Motocross & he obviously goes about his life with his family. I will admit that I check the app over night after Motocross goes to see if he’s messaged which he hasn’t. He knows I am with him so I figure that he doesn’t want to interrupt me. I don’t wake up as early as usual because I am on leave from work, but when I wake up, I check the app & he has messaged me at 6:30 am. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away, he says “Morning sexy bitch. So confession time. Periscope was my song for you” We’d talked about it when I said that we fucked to it & I knew it was his song for me, he told me that’s how he realised he loved me. I say that I’ve been listening to it a lot recently, which is weird. I tell him that I have been listening to a song called ‘Better Than Life’ & it’s my new anthem. He gets a bit pissed at himself because he forgot he told me that fact. hahaha.

I remind him that we’re the type of people who need to be told we’re loved but we are so stubborn that we don’t want to say it ourselves. I ask if he was listening to the song this morning & that’s why he confessed. He says yes & is pissed I know him so well too, he also says that he deleted his Spotify account because he’s going to be unemployed but he found it on YouTube to listen & I think it’s fucking sweet that he’s listening to the song for me. I thank him for having the balls to say I love you first to me, because I was never going to say it first. He says that he was going to say it so many times & I can’t believe that. I mean when he finally said it to me we were sort of having a fight. He says that he was falling for me within a few weeks but took him a while to work up the courage. I wonder if he said it sooner, would things be different?! When everything came to a screaming halt with his partner, would we have been further along therefore easier for him to leave her?!

Then he says “Oh I have a super important question for you…” My heart leaps into my mouth, what the fuck could he possibly ask?

#IBD4U