Motocross #22

In bed feeling like an idiot but can’t get to sleep because I am fucking stupidly hopeful that Motocross will come back even though I know deep down that he won’t. I hate that Silverlining has been right. This guy isn’t into me at all! FUCK.

I turn on the tv & start watching something on netflix or whatever, expecting the uncomfortable text from Motocross saying some rubbish & sorry he’s not coming back. However, when my phone buzzes more than for a text, I look over & I realise that someone is ringing me. It’s Motocross of course, which kind of makes me think he doesn’t have a wife (if some of you are thinking that) I was thinking that too, but if he did or he wanted an easy way out of this, he wouldn’t call, he would text. No one would call in this situation, I certainly wouldn’t – if I made a clean exit. But he’s opted for an awkward conversation.

He says that his cousin in Melbourne has had a stroke & he used to be really close with this cousin when he was younger but hasn’t seen him for years, but was going to see him soon so he is upset about it now. He says that they’re – his parents & him are trying to book flights to Melbourne tomorrow, he seems to think they are going to be on the red eye. (didn’t his dad’s friend have a jet?!) Anyway he says he’s heaps sorry, of course I am what anyone would be when a person rings up & says someone is injured or whatever, I am supporting, offer my apologies, ask if there is anything I can do & I listen. We don’t talk for heaps long but longer than I would expect of a person scrambling to get flights out tomorrow. The cynical part of me (which lets face it, its about 99.9% of me) says that he’s dreamed up this scheme so that he is now away for the rest of the week & the rest of the Royal Show, in case I choose to get another ticket! The part in me that gets along with this guy, wants be to believe this story, but I am struggling to be very honest with you! However, against advice from Silverlining, I give Motocross the benefit of the doubt, I have absolutely no reason not to believe Motocross & this isn’t something I could google, surely?!

I get off the phone with Motocross & send him a quick text “Let me know if I can do anything” with a kissing emoji. I would appreciate that kind of text if I got some bad news like that. He writes back 25 minutes later when I am asleep “Thank you appreciate it. I am sorry bout tonight been cut short” well at least he acknowledges it & is prepared to say it .I write back in the morning saying that I hope he had a good flight to Melbourne. I say that I didn’t realise he was jumping up & walking right out the door right away, or I would have hugged him or something. I apologise for being rude & say that I hope he is ok & his cousin is too. I don’t get a reply all day from like 7:30 am till after 6:00 pm. “Hey sorry for the mega late reply I got a flight first thing dismorring thanks. Yeah i’m sorry I was actually meant to be coming back sorry i didn’t.” I mean as if he was ever coming back, lets face it, while this guy writes back to every message, I am starting to believe what Silverlining is saying, Motocross is doing it as some sort of exchange, not because he really wants too… His lies are going to be caught out soon, I am obviously getting closer to asking what the fuck so he is pulling away rapidly. I reply saying that it’s ok, I ask how his cousin is & say that I still should’ve said a proper goodbye. He says that his cousin is still bad & he doesn’t know what’s happening that he’s really sorry but appreciates the message. I say again to let me know If I can do anything & say that there’s no need to be sorry that I understand & we can catch up when he’s back. To which, Motocross doesn’t ever reply. RIGHT.

Motocross notice everything

So another couple of things that I forgot to mention throughout this story, so I also work with someone who I made friends with on Facebook & of course Motocross keeps coming up as a friend suggestion, I happen to notice one day that we have a friend in common, it’s the chick from work who’s new, I’m not really that close too but I decide to have a chat to her about him. I am casual about it (well I think I am, but I’m probably not at all!), just asking how she knows him, she went to high school with him. I tell her that he said he left Adelaide when he was 16 to live in America & she sort of laughs, I keep going with my story just giving her a few things from him & when I say that he says he’s a crusty demon she cracks up laughing & says no. OMG. I mean I pretty much knew it but for someone to confirm it is just fucking gold…

I may have mentioned this fact, but Motocross has told me a couple of times that if he wasn’t a stunt rider, he’d be a tiler. I’m almost certain at this point that he is a tiler & not a motocross rider at all. Who the fuck knows at this point. I honestly don’t give a shit what a dude does for work as long as he’s working & enjoys his job. What the fuck is with all the lies?!

Friday I haven’t heard from Motocross & I think that he’s probably not thinking about me as such if he’s with his cousin & family at the hospital, so I just send a quick text asking how he is, how is his cousin & how Melbourne is. He doesn’t take long to write back. Saying that they spend the day at the hospital, there is not changes yet & that Melbourne is ok, he then asks how my day is. I wonder if he’s being polite or if he is interested. I say that I’m sorry to hear that, ask if he is still going to the Darwin crusty show on the weekend. I say that my day was shit, going home to have a bath (BTW after the bath with Motocross, I have bought nice radox bubble bath because we had talked about baths again together… I am not going to be caught again with no bubbles, even though I hate them!) but even though I am on annual leave on Monday I will have to go in to sort some shit out before I go to Brisbane.

Motocross has often talked about coming to Brisvegas as he calls it when I am there, I guess that he’s now got a get out of jail free card on that since I go in a week or so. He always seems excited to talk about my trip & my plans when I say that I have finally booked my flights & organised my accommodation with my friend.

He says that he’s leaving Melbourne in the morning for Darwin on the red eye (the fucking red eye, really!) I say that I hope his cousins is better & that he has a good flight, I ask when he’s back in Adelaide, saying that it sucks to have to work on my annual leave & I also say after he says that it’s good I’m relaxing in the bath, that it would be better if he was in the bath with me. He says that he’s back on Sunday around midday & asks why I am working if I am on holidays, he says “Hmmm yeah that be nice I’d be fair keen and the rest” Hahaha, whatever that means. I say for him to let me know if he wants to come over Sunday night that I’m sure he would use a hug, a bath & the rest. I dribbled on about the fucked reason I have to go into work & then never get a reply from him. I don’t get a text from him all day Saturday either. FUCK YOU.

Silverlining is saying I’m wrapped around Motocross finger & at this point I guess I am, I still don’t know who Silverlining is, I may never know, but I am not going to let Motocross go without at least trying to get to the bottom of his lies… Or what are seemingly lies. I must find out what the fuck is this guy’s deal.

Motocross calls me Saturday afternoon, which is new & just when I am fucking angry, he makes a gesture. We chat a bit while he is driving somewhere in Melbourne… Oddly, I don’t notice at the time, but writing this now, wasn’t he supposed to be in Darwin? Also I do notice at the time but his indicator car noise (Yes, cars have distinct indicators noises) sounds a lot like the indicator in his $75k Holden ute… We chat about his cousin & how he’s doing, how close Motocross is to him & that he’s woken up at least – so Motocross is much happier. Motocross talks about coming over after my family dinner on Sunday night, he’s back around midday so he says to let him know when I am free but cuts the conversation short as he has to go because he is lost in Melbourne. We hang up & I feel better, we don’t just have a texting relationship, this guy is now calling… However, actually… Did that phone call just open up more questions?!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #5

So this point in the timeline, Silverlining & I have been chatting a few days, almost a week – it’s very early September. I haven’t been putting in much effort with Motocross so we haven’t seen each other for a few days. I caught up in this texting chemistry again. Maybe like this blog for you, it’s like a car crash you can’t look away from? If you have ever had an ounce of the chemistry I had with Noodle with someone you were seeing, or if you ever n just picked up on the chemistry of the Noodle story, you will understand me when I say, that I can’t walk away from this Silverlining… Regardless of who he is, I may never find out, but I am sure that it is him. I toy with ideas about how I can tell him who I am, question who he is. Will he ghost me?! He’s still talking to me now, I’m 100% being me, I’m being so obvious, he surely knows that it’s me!

This is a precarious situation though, I know I shouldn’t be investing time in this, I know that he shouldn’t be investing time in me (though I can’t help but think he is ready to leave this time) I also know that my heart wants what my heart wants. But I am terrified of so many things, like the fact that he isn’t ready to leave & strong enough to be the man I need, that I am going to get hurt again if he ghosts me suddenly. It’s only been a few days of messaging, but we are back to our old tricks – texting every second we get, over sharing our lives, being honest… But I have to know, I have to see this through, is this Noodle?! Do you believe in signs, do you believe in the universe, do you believe in fate, do you believe in destiny? I don’t think I do, I mean my life has been a myriad of missed signs, fate & destiny & yet, the first person I’ve ever loved & still in love with is back in my life, that is a sign I am not willing to miss. I don’t think this is our time either, I don’t know if this really is him, but I do know that I am strong enough to survive this risk, just as I was strong enough to survive the first explosion with him.

Silverlining over him just kidding

Silverlining asks me what I’ve got to lose at this point showing Motocross some affection, good question, but I say my dignity. He also tells me that EL was told by me that I couldn’t be friends with him so he just followed through with that. I know that Noodle would say that he gave me what I wanted, well I thought he would fight harder for me. Silverlining asks why I told him I couldn’t be friends. “Yeah I told him that (but only because it would hurt to be friends with him & not have him.) He begged me not too to do that. So we agreed we should stay friends & then he cut me off.” It’s true, he cracked the absolute shits at me when I said it would hurt to be friends with him but in the end we agreed to be friends. He says that it sounds like he tried to do the right thing by me. “Maybe he realized it would hurt him just as much to be your friend. I’m sure the epic love thing went 2 ways. You don’t epically love someone on a one way street” Maybe not, but this just makes my heart ache… I say that I am not sure if was a 2 way epic thing. “I’m certain he couldn’t give a fuck what I’m doing now, I don’t know why I care.” I say this shit because I want to bring Noodle out, I also assume that if Noodle was single, he’d contact me, so I don’t think he is, but I need to know I was loved… He says that he doesn’t think people ever forget their exs. I never said that he’d forgotten me, I say that things were different for both of us & that I have a lot of questions.

He says that epic love can only exist if both people feel it, I start to doubt myself more than anything “Maybe I was deluded. I’d never felt love before so maybe that’s just lust & passion. & I built it up in my head” Maybe I did build up our relationship to something more than it was… He says that lust & passion can only co exist with love – really I’m not so sure “Lust is loves poor cousin. Lust is often mistaken for love. Passion is just chemistry.” I am not trying to talk myself out of my epic love, maybe because it hurts to talk about it, maybe because I want it again… I don’t know. “You can tell you loved him very dearly. And I’m sure he loved you equally back just as much. I’m sure this guy hypothetically still loves you and misses you.” FUCK. That hurts to think. I don’t know if that hurts because it could be true or because of who could be saying it…

He says I have some unresolved issues with me EL – Well dur, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out! I tell him that I am significantly fucked up, I have been to 2 therapists “I always knew it wasn’t our time, timing was always a factor but I did think that in a few years he’d come find me. But he’s also stubborn so pretty sure he won’t, thinking that I’ve moved on. He always thought I was too good for him” I am going to say some things now that are going to hit him, if it changes nothing, I don’t care, I need to say this stuff to the fake Noodle. He asks why EL would think I am too good for him “Cos apparently he’s a geek & I’m super cool. It was just cos of how we met, everyone used to hit on me etc. He was a very jealous guy about me… I mean I was jealous about him too but he was worse than me. He always thought I was fucking other people when in fact I wasn’t… He was insecure about a lot, mainly his looks but I obviously thought he was sexy or I wouldn’t have been with him so long, right?!” We talk about this topic for a while & how bad both our self esteems were, I mean he thought he wasn’t good enough for me at all & I didn’t think I was lovable, it was a doomed relationship from the beginning. Noodle never believed anything I said, so now I don’t bother expressing the way I feel, particularly with Motocross because they don’t listen anyway & he’s clearly waiting for someone better to come along – so what’s the point. I say though, I only have one regret – which you all know – so I know that I gave it my all, just like the song from one of his favourite bands. He asks what it is, that I didn’t say I love you more, I say yes & he just suggests that I am more open with Motocross.

When Silverlining fucks up & says I shouldn’t be listening to some random guy on the chat app, I am certain this is when Noodle will reveal himself. I say “Aren’t we on the anonymous app?” & he just says yeah whoops wrong app… FUCK. I thought he’d totally say it was him then! I know it’s frustrating you guys not knowing, but imagine having these conversations for days being addicted to it but not knowing!

We keep chatting & get on the conversation of me being a rope bunny – but I say it’s not a sexual thing for me but when Noddy came to Switch with me & watched Ripples tie me & drip candle wax on me. Silverlining says “From a guys point of view, I would be so jealous. Especially if my rope skills weren’t as good as his. Even if it’s not sexual for you. It’s a sexual visual act. It would also make me useless type of thing.” Fuck I never thought of it like that! SHIT. However I did chat to Noddy at length about what he would see at Switch so he didn’t get jealous, yet he did… Men are just frustrating! Silverlinging says that even though he’s done some kinky stuff, he’d still freak out “If you told me you did a professional show, I’d shit my pants. Because all that will be going through that guys head is, she has this done by a professional” FUCK. I didn’t think of it like that either! He recommends that I stop talking about it with guys, especially if I am doing rope with some experienced. FUCK… (I mean I end up stopping going to rope all together because of how awkward things get with the play party people.)

Silverlining says that he’s on Noddy’s side for what he did to me. He says that he sent me that snapchat because I made him feel insecure & it came back to bite me, “He repaid you and showed you himself doing a sexual act on another. Subconsciously” Well that’s a bit fucked to be honest, but he does have a fucking point… OMG. I try to explain that Noddy begged to come, begged to watch. Silverlining just says that men are simple creatures “Feed our egos” for example I should feed Motocross’ ego about his money, it’s what he wants… FUCK does he? Silverlining just says to say that find it attractive that Motocross has money. I am no stranger to feeding a dudes ego, I mean I had to feed Noodle’s ego 24 fucking 7. So I know I have to feed a dudes ego, maybe I need to talk about how much money Motocross has? Seem more interested when he says he chartered a jet, rather than literally just saying to him “Man we live very different lives” Fuck I’m so confused.

I tell Silverlining about giving away my show ticket & he says “You gave your ticket away subconsciously because you didn’t want to be disappointed.” I say that it wasn’t subconscious, it was deliberate. I know I am going to be disappointed about not seeing Motocross at the show, so I deliberately gave away my ticket. He says that he’s surprised I can admit that. Well I did 100% know he was going to disappoint me, I didn’t realise to what extent but I knew that he would. He says I need to get him in a room & ask him questions, I say that I am going to do just that, get this guy in a room & find out what it is… However, when Motocross is at my house, it’s the night I am going to ask questions but his dad messages & says come home, so I never get the talk… FUCK…

#IBD4U

Silverlining #4

We’re still continuing this pretence that we don’t know its each other. The more Silverlining tells me not to blame myself for my Epic Love failing, the more I think it’s Noodle. The chemistry with this stranger is too much to be just a random guy. I never chat like this with anyone… I mean if this isn’t him, I am going to be more surprised than if it’s him at this point!

Silverlining picks up that I am awkward because Motocross is awkward, which is true… I mean he walks in not kissing me hello so I struggle to kiss him hello. He tells me that I do sabotage relationships & that I’m independent.

I agree with him, I don’t need someone, I have talked about this before in Want vs Need but I tell him that a man should see me being a strong woman as a privilege “Someone they should fight for. Not some needy, game playing woman who would crumble like a piece of paper if they left them. How pathetic. But apparently that’s what I need to become, according to you. Some needy, pathetic, game playing woman manipulating a man to be with me… I’d rather be single & know a man wants to be with me than it was just I was best at playing the game.” He tells me that that’s not what he said, but I have said a lot of that as a stab at his partner…

Now lets all be clear about Noodle’s partner too, I do not judge her for wanting to be with him at all. I do not think she is stupid, I think she is someone who made some desperate moves when she saw her family crumbling. I cannot judge her for wanting to keep her family together, or wanting to be with the man she loves, I still want to be with him too – so I’m no different. We have that in common. However, I do judge her actions following finding out about me. I didn’t set Noodle free to see if he’d come back to me or whatever that saying is. I set him free because like I just said to Silverlining, I want a man to be with me because that’s what he wants, not because I tricked him into it. I mean I thought of all the things I could do to get Noodle to stay with me, fake a pregnancy, attempt a suicide myself… But what would that have done? I would always be thinking, is he with me because I did that or does he truly love me & want to be with me? I’d rather be single a sleep well at night knowing I didn’t force a man to stay with me with threats & stunts. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it… I still do sometimes! But there’s a difference, I wouldn’t ever do anything like that.

When Silverlining tells me that I will find love again, that I shouldn’t worry… All that usual cliche bullshit, I tell him that he musn’t have felt an earth shattering love like I had & that’s why I don’t think we get that type of love twice in our lives. He says that people divorce all the time & find new love so he’s sure I will find it again. He says ‘Did angels sing when this guy walked the earth or something?’ The sticking out tongue emoji screams Noodle. I reply ‘Yeah you don’t get it. You said yourself you are always trolling online for friendship so you haven’t had it to understand. It’s ok that you haven’t, I can’t explain it.’ One of my biggest fears, even though Noodle said it first, was that he didn’t really love me, my mum said to me at the end when I finally told them that he used me & didn’t love me. I don’t know if she said that to help me get over him but it stuck with me, I mean I already had thought those thoughts so I’m not blaming my mum, just saying that I thought them & didn’t think other people with thinking the same thing too!

Silverlining says that I make him sound so losery, yeah well he does sound losery at this point when he says “I have fallen madly in love before too !” I don’t know why that makes me catch my breath. If this is who I think it is, is he talking about me or someone else?!

SIlverlining toxic trait

I am questioning if this guy has fallen madly in love, I mean what is he doing on here if he is madly in love right now?!” You have a partner yet your trolling online for friendships, you even said that yourself. Doesn’t sound like you’re in love at all, let alone madly in love” I am not sure this is a good line of questioning, I don’t even want to hear him lie that he is madly in love with his partner.

Silverlining tells me that he has indeed been in love & fallen madly in love, I still doubt that. He says that Motocross seems like he only messages me after I’ve message him, like he does is as an exchange. I guess he could be right there. He says a true guy will message you every chance he gets. Which I agree, I mean I used to message Noodle 100 times a day & this guy is doing the same. However like I explain, I say that I don’t want a texting relationship again, I’ve been there done that. I tell him that I am fucked up & so is Motocross, from what he’s said to me, that I just think that we both are just too scared to show any emotion. He just says if we’re both getting what we want, then there’s no issue. I mean I wish I could believe that… I want more from Motocross, the main thing I want from him is honesty. I mean as if he has bought his brother a $90k car with money he had in a backpack!

I ask him why he isn’t with the person he’s madly in love with, to which he replies that he never said he wasn’t in love with who he’s with, however life gets complicated sometimes. I tell him that I tried to help my Epic Love & he didn’t want the help, so I am not prepared to try to fix Motocross, it’s not my style anyway, I am not interested in fixing a man. Silverlining says that “I fell for something I couldn’t have more along the lines” Can there be any doubt left that this isn’t Noodle!? Jesus… He has said that he doesn’t understand how someone can be madly in love but not express it. Well I mean I did express it with Noodle, I just was a fuckwit about it. “Yeah well that was the problem, wasn’t it. I couldn’t say the words to his face, I’d message the heart emoji instead of saying love. When push came to shove, my own inability to open up destroyed it. He didn’t believe me & took a different path.” I explain that I think I am doing similar with Motocross, like I am being awkward, he’s being awkward, & I’m not opening up, not asking the questions I should be asking Motocross. He says he doesn’t get the Epic Love thing without show affection “Hard to explain. Clearly you’ve never felt an epic love story even if you think you’ve fallen madly in love before… We were very sexual so it was a feeling we both had. Touches, looks, passion, kisses, chemistry… But that song ‘more than words’ is bullshit. You should say it all the time. I wish I said it every time I saw him. Not just using the stupid emoji because I was protecting myself. I was in denial the whole time that I was loveable” In a way I still am in denial, that’s why I am pushing this guy to tell me that I am loveable, because of who he represents. He asks if we ever said it face to face. I am reminded that the only time we actually said I love you to each other in person, was the last time we ever saw each other. I start to get sad about it & just say that it’s a long fucked story. He says it’s probably not good for me to talk about it – like he can somehow sense that I am fucking getting depressed… FUCK, only Noodle could tell my mood via text, no one has ever picked up on my moods before just from the way my texts read. He says I’m very interesting & teasing him with snippets of this Epic Love story. He keeps pressing & I snap “It was the first time I’d ever been in love… Alright. You happy now You got me to admit that?” He just says that I am confusing but keep giving him tidbits that change his stance about me & Motocross. He tells me that I shouldn’t be asking scum of the earth ‘internet men’ for advice, which I say that I am taking with a grain of salt anyway, He says that I seem worth hitting on “You can tell you’re a little cheeky, little bit flirty , you seem fun and honest and your also a self confessed best fuck ever. So I’m trying my best not to hit on you.” He even asks if I struggled to show affection with my Epic Love. I explain how we started out, EL & I (As I start to nickname him) as friends, as fuck buddies that we had limited time together so it was always for sex. I say that the very first time & the very last time were the only 2 times I saw him & didn’t fuck him. I say we were always naked so I didn’t have to show him affection. I say that MC (As I start nicknaming Motocross to Silverlining) met online dating & have dated but not had as much sex as EL & I had. But they were different circumstances, that doesn’t mean that MC isn’t into me? Right…

Silverlining ask still if I never showed affection to EL, like did we never kiss or cuddle. “Yeah we hugged & kissed, cuddled after sex but I didn’t get much time with him that wasn’t sex to show affection TBH. So of course I can show affection, but genrally always waited for him to kiss me first. We never held hands, After we ended I realised that & I wished I had held his hand. Just always thought there would be more time.”

We talk more & he says that I just need to put myself out there again. I mean I have had a lot of sex since Noodle, trying to get over him, trying to find someone who just a hint of what passion & chemistry we had, but I haven’t even come close to finding it. He tells me to put myself out there & show this guy some affection that it might change things, but I need to try, he asks why I can’t. I hold my breath as I hit send on my reply “Because the pain of being hurt was excruciating… He begged me to stay friends with him only a few months before we ended, was pissed when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him but then when he was done, he cut me off completely. Radio silence.” I know he sees it his way by saying that he thinks we mutually decided not to be friends, but I don’t see I that way. I remember Noodle cracking the shits when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him, but remember the morning I was waiting for him to come back online all weekend after she found my panties, he came back online for about an hour to say goodbye, then logged off, leaving me with questions & just went about his life like I didn’t exist! This is when I am reminded that chatting to a Noodle-a-like is not a good fucking idea… FUCK!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #3

So I am 99% certain who Silverlining is now… He hasn’t stopped talking to me, he’s kept the conversation going, does he know it’s me? But having said that, I really doubt that Noodle would keep talking to me if he knew who I was!? Or is he a kid in a candy store too, wanting more… Wanting to know how I am, what has happened in my life since we spoke a year ago? Should I say something? I want too. It’s seriously killing me & I keep rehearsing things I could say to him, just drop his name in there somewhere perhaps. But do you know what?! I am petrified that if I tell him that I know it’s him that he’ll ghost me. That will hurt like hell. I also hate to admit this but you already know without me having to say it, but I will say it, I am still in love with him. FUCK. That hurts to even write, even after all this time… I am certain some of you hate him, some of you hate me for my part in the story. I should hate him too but there was something about the relationship with him that will never go away, I think I will always love that man. The variants of that love have & will change obviously over the years, but I am still in love with him. I have thought about him every day & now chatting to him (maybe) every day, I just don’t give a fuck about Motocross anymore at all, which you’re all thinking I needed to do about 20 dates ago! Hahaha. I know that Silverlining or whoever he is like playing with fire… This is a very dangerous game! Do I want to play?! Do I want to find out that this guy is Noodle & he ghost me? Do I want to find out that this is Noodle & he’s in an open relationship again or something else heartbreaking about their relationship?! or worst of all, do I want to find out this is Noodle & he is still in love with me too? FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!

I know how hard it was to get over him the first time because I am still not over him, not even a little bit… So is this just playing with fire? Am I going to get burned? Well, do you know what, this is a risk I need & am willing to take. I told you in the blog Leader Of the Broken Heart about my biggest regret, maybe this is a chance for me to rectify that. The biggest question I need to answer is if I am willing to put myself though this again? You know what, it wasn’t ever done for me when I ignored his email, but we both needed to take a break, I knew that it wasn’t the end but I knew that we needed to stop when we did… He made his decision, regardless of what he really wanted, he made it & we needed to stop. I knew he would come back into my life, which is also why I am so sure that this is Noodle.

I always said that we would be pulled back together somehow, sometime. I just didn’t think it would be on an anonymous app that I’ve barely used in a year, avoiding chatting to men as I always think it’s Noodle, yet now I am certain of it, I can’t stop writing to him… & he can’t stop writing to me, this is the longest conversation with someone on the app in a very long time! The universe has put us in similar places before, this is no different, there is some pull with us. I mean I still don’t think this is our time either, I don’t feel like it is but maybe just maybe, I can say some things that have haunted me for the past year?!

I have to get some things off my chest, things he needs to hear from me. Things I need to say to him & it’ll either smoke him out & he’ll tell me it’s him or he’ll pretend it’s not him. But this stranger thing is perfect, a perfect opportunity – pretending we’re other people. & if it’s not Noodle, then I will get it off my chest & move on, if it is Noodle, then I can still get those things off my chest but unless he wants to reveal himself, he can’t say anything to me. I am prepared for this, I am prepared for the hurt this may cause me. But I need to, I want to see this through! If not for me, for my readers! Hahaha – Sorry I shouldn’t joke. This is going to be painful but I have to do it.

SIlverlining learn to wait

The morning after the Royal Show, I wake up to find a message, several messages from Silverlining telling me that he has indeed trolled online for the sake of interaction & friendship, that he has given woman a false sense of the idea that they can sleep with him when he actually won’t. Then he says he’s going to do a guessing game with me & says “I’m guessing your a single woman in your 30s on the anonymous app who comes home to an empty house , and a empty bed your a hopeless romantic and struggle with dating , you accept what you can get and try and make it work & when it doesn’t you blame yourself. So you use the app and the online chat to fill that void in your life” Well fuck you if this is Noodle!

This group of messages makes me think that he also knows it’s me… He knows that would hurt me, the worst things I think about myself he’s now telling me…. He’s a fucking prick, still! After all this time… I can tell its him by the way he types, with the spelling your instead of you’re. The way his comma’s are a space away from the word, the times of day that he’s online – though there are a few odd timed messages, I’m assuming to throw me off the scent, just everything about the way he types screams Noodle. The banter & the conversation has never flowed like this with anyone else but him, ever! I am more certain than ever that this is Noodle.

I am a grumpy bitch in the morning & also I have just seen my ex boyfriend with his partner at the fucking show, so when I wake up I am in a fucking bad mood, this message pisses me off! What a wanker, I decide to hit back where it hurts “Well you sound like an asshole. You’re in a unhappy relationship & by the sounds of it, you don’t have a lot of friends either so of course you’re trolling online for what you’re missing at home. I don’t need to ask questions to pick up on that.” I tell him that if he was single, he wouldn’t be trolling online for friends, no man has ever wanted to just be friends who was using this app or any other app for that matter. But I tell him that he is right about me besides I don’t believe in happy endings or fairy tales. This blog has proved that!

His reply doesn’t surprise me “I’m not sure I like our guessing games” That confirms it… It has to be Noodle & I’m addicted again & waiting for his replies. Fuck I hate not knowing, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want it to stop, but I also don’t want to know it’s not Noodle… FUCK. He says “Sorry for being assholish honest with you” I know that he feels bad but I have him pegged like you wouldn’t believe! I tell him that I think that we only get one great love in our lives & that I’ve had it. That I won’t settle for just any loser I also know that I won’t have the type of love ever again in my life. He say that he does “legit” feels bad for saying that but he never claimed to be a good person. He says that I have lowered my standards, which I don’t think I have, I tell him that I haven’t lowered my standards of finding that epic love, one that changes who you are, one that you feel with every breath – I don’t think we have that twice. Now I have only loved one person, so i can’t even ever imagine loving someone the way I loved him. So correct me if you don’t agree, but I don’t think we ever have the same love with another person as we had.

He’s still pinning his hopes on Motocross though, saying he could be my next epic love story, but from other things Silverlining has said, Motocross is not interested in me. Silverlining then asks why I am not with this Epic Love (As I start calling him), I say that we had a lot of issues “To cut a long story short, if I had’ve been more open, things would probably be different. Yes I blame myself.” I tell him that I feel like I do it with every guy, I get scared of getting hurt so I shut down, self-sabotage “I am a loser. I don’t need a random guy on the anonymous app to psychoanalyse me to figure that out” I beat him too it, I don’t want him telling me I shouldn’t blame myself, I do – I mean not entirely but obviously I played a part… I mean I should’ve said so many things to Noodle, look it may not have changed the outcome, I will never know that, but then I wouldn’t think what if, what if, what it, so if I ever get another chance with him, I will tell him every day that I love him.

#IBD4U

Motocross #21

Apologies for not posting this at 8:00am like I should’ve, I forgot I hadn’t finalised it & got home late (Not from a date! Hahaha) & just couldn’t make myself do it… So here it is, a little later in the day than usual, but also a little longer than usual too but better late than not at all!

Reading though the Silverlining texts to write that part of the story, I’ve realised that there are a bunch of things that I have forgotten to tell you about Motocross… I don’t think they really matter at this point as it’s not pivotal but it’s still as he says #Interesting. Most of you are all hoping it works out, but some of you are wanting me to get rid of him – you’ll have to keep reading to find out what happens I guess… But while I didn’t write about our conversations face to face (mainly because I don’t remember everything we’ve said) it doesn’t mean we didn’t talk or go deeper – I don’t write every single detail, of course. I realise now that I made a couple of jokes about Motocross’ spelling & that’s about the time that he stopped texting me as much, maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to text me, but I’d made a joke (& while I have spelling & grammar mistakes in my blog – generally from typing too fast not because I don’t know how to use it or spell & then my eyes skim over it when I re read it to edit it) I know he knows that I’m probably book smarter than him. Maybe that intimidated him & why he backed off from texting?!

Also he talked about how he owns the place in California – the house he lives in that apparently has a motorbike on his mantel piece – he’s very sentimental, he says he’s kept every helmet he’s ever used & they have a new one for each race. He also says that he also owns a holiday place in Florida where a bunch of other bike riders own too & they all have jet skis, he has a boat & of course he has a bunch of dirt bikes there plus more memorabilia. Again with the flaunting money & assets, I mean I tell him I have kayaks – which probably cost me under $500 for the two of them & all the accessories as they’re second hand! It makes me uncomfortable & almost inadequate. I know that women usually earn less than men & are happy with that, but I have never been with someone who seemingly is this fucking rich! I don’t even own my own car as I have a work car.

Motocross supicious

Also this is an epic tidbit that I forgot this because I mean – WHAT THE FUCK – but Motocross is in Brisbane one weekend & wanted to be back here for a race in Murray Bridge on the Sunday afternoon, he was in Brisbane doing the demons & it finished late in the night so he chartered a flight, yes you read that right, he chartered a flight. His dad’s friend apparently has a plane & was willing to bring them back here on Saturday evening after curfew (we have an 11:00 pm curfew for commercial jets in Adelaide) so he could race on Sunday. Okay so I know what you’re thinking, because I am thinking who the fuck has the money to charter a jet, I google how much it costs, approx. $20k. He made that over a weekend once, winning the race, so what’s a cool $20k to someone like him? Chump change! Well this is certainly not my reality, I scrape by sometimes, living pay cheque to pay cheque to set myself up for the future. I can’t really believe he’s chartered a jet, but like I said before, I’ve never dated a guy who could afford something like that… & if he’s lying about it, why?! I don’t care if he charters a jet. I mean it doesn’t impress me at all, it makes me uncomfortable… I barely had the $50 for bowling the other night, had to put it on a credit card, let alone chartering a private jet!

Does this make him a cheapskate because he hasn’t paid for as much as I have? Do we believe him that he even did this? If we don’t believe him, why would he lie about it? I’ve already fucked him & been seeing him for a couple of months, not trying to impress me to get me into bed?! If we do believe him & obviously didn’t try to pay for bowling, do you think it’s because he wants to make sure I’m not a gold digger?! Maybe previous girlfriends have been after him for his money?! But then why talk about money at all… I never talk about it if I can help it. URGH, overthinkers anonymous here I come!

So back to the story line, Motocross left our interaction or relationship whatever this is, pretty damaged from that bowling date, that I am not contacting him. He says he’ll text, so he either will or I am done with this shit. I can’t even be bothered anymore. But much to my surprise, Motocross does message me on Friday just before lunchtime says “Hey how’s your day going?” FUCK. Why does that make me smile like a loser?! Grrrr… I say a couple of hours later that I’ve been busy, the day is shit & ask how the show is – knowing he is there riding today… He takes another couple of hours to write back & says that he is busy too, the show is busy etc. I tell him that I am at work drinks then going a book launch (which was Writer) & he says to enjoy the night. I end up messaging later after the book launch, around 9:30 pm, saying have a safe flight etc. I don’t get a reply.

So we all know the Royal Adelaide Show sighting that has left me reeling, but I am also feeling like a douche because my little seven year old nephew is somehow now obsessed with the stunt bike riders, he tells me in the car on the way to the show that we are going to watch both bike shows. They have two shows per day, which Motocross is in during the week, apparently but he’s away on the weekends doing Crusty Demons, so he’s not at this show today as it’s Saturday. My nephew makes us watch both bike shows & the cars, saying how much he loves this scooter rider as well, Willy something. We watch the shows, I cringe the whole time hoping they don’t fall off & tell my sister about Motocross, my nephew asks & I say that one of my friends is usually riding in the show & I don’t tell him but I actually wish that Motocross was here as I would get him to come to talk to my nephew, he would be so excited! Later on my nephew uses my YouTube account to watch motocross racing, this Willy scooter boy & other stunt riders. Now every fucking suggestion on my YouTube is motorbike crashes or stunt riders. How embarrassing will that be if Motocross sees it one day?! FUCK. Hahaha.

On Monday after radio silence from Motocross all weekend, I am of course chatting to Silverlining & he is showing more interest in me than the guy I’ve been seeing for months, I am driving to Port Augusta for work for a few days, I am glad to be away TBH. My mum & dad are also working at the show so they’ve sourced me a free ticket, I am back Wednesday from this trip & thought maybe Wednesday night I would go to the show & meet up with Motocross. I am going to make this happen so I take matters into my own hands. I message & ask how his weekend was etc, usual text, he replies “Hey was just thinking bout you.” Awww, why the fuck does that make me smile like a wanker? He also says he is enjoying the show etc & replies to part of my message from Friday saying he’s glad I’m responsible. I tell him about my nephew being obsessed with the bike show plus the scooter dude & say I wish he was there to meet him & he says that he’s sorry he wasn’t. I tell him that I have a free ticket so I was thinking of coming to see him Wednesday night when I’m back in Adelaide. I tell him to let me know if he has time off between the shows & if I should come because otherwise I’ll give the ticket away if I won’t use it he says “I’d like to say yeah but will I’d have to see tho plus it’s meant to be raining and then we don’t ride so kinda hard to say sorry” I ask though if he’ll be there even if it’s raining, because we could hang out regardless, surely they don’t just go home when it starts raining?! They’d have to be there no matter what right? He says that he probably won’t be there & so I say “Geez you’re making it hard… Don’t have to see you at the show, just thought since I had a spare ticket…” He says “I’m sorry I promise I’ll let you know tomorrow then yeah” I am suspicious not for the first time with this guy but this is the most suspicious I’ve been… Of course I don’t hear from him at all Tuesday as promised & I just don’t even give a fuck anymore… Whatever, this is fucking weird, I don’t know what his deal is. I have Silverlining swooping in & chatting to me, actually showing interest in me – why do I need to bother with Motocross who clearly isn’t into me at all & lying his ass off!

At breakfast at the hotel on Wednesday before I head home, I am speaking to Silverlining of course & annoyed about the whole Motocross thing that I just text dad & let him know he can give the ticket away – I’m obviously not going to the show to see him. But then as I hit send, Motocross messages at 8:20 am to ask if I am going to the show, well what a fuckwit, I was only going to see him, I’ve been with my sister & kids, I am not planning on going for any other reason, which is what I basically say at almost 11:00 am. He replies almost right away saying that it’ll probably be cancelled tonight. I tell him when I get back to Adelaide that I am home & if he’s not at the show then he could come over being he’ll be free… He says yes that if it’s cancelled, he’ll come see me for sure – I don’t write back, what is with this guy?! I decide to go to the gym as usual, during the weights class I see on my watch his cute little face & a message “Hey you home” I am obviously not home & can’t reply, just before the class finishes about 30 minutes later, he calls me which I can’t answer either but it makes me smile like a tool at the fact he’s messaged & called me to try to see me tonight, my mum also calls me around the same time & I can’t answer either call.

After the gym at 8:00 pm, I call Motocross back & say I am on my way home to give me a few minutes but come over at 8:30 pm. I then call mum back too, she asks if I am at the show as she wants to see me, I say no but she asks what my bike riding friends name is, I laugh & say I am not telling her because I don’t want her to talk to him & then I say “It doesn’t matter anyway as he’s not there because they cancelled the show” There’s a weird silence, I ask if she’s still on the phone with me & she says “Um, I’m watching them ride now #IBD4U” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I hate when your parent uses your name that way too, you can just imagine a mum saying to you, she doesn’t want to break my heart but knows I need to know, they say your name quietly. I try to dismiss it, saying that’s weird he said it was cancelled & I act all nonchalant & say that it doesn’t matter anyway as he’s on his way to my house, so I’ll ask about it when he gets there.

By the time Motocross gets to my house, I feel like my head is going to explode with questions. I don’t want to blurt them all out, I need some time to process this before I snap & come across accusatory. I turn on YouTube & he notices that my fucking suggestions are all about motorbikes, that I have to explain that my nephews were watching on the weekend. I try not to over explain so I don’t look like I’m lying, I’ve told him about my nephew liking the Willy scooter guy & Motocross tells me that he knows this kid as they used to do Nitro Circus together & he’s messaged him to ask him to sign something for my Nephew! OMG… That is so fucking sweet, I tell my sister but we don’t say anything to my nephew obviously because I don’t know if either guy will come through with the goods so I just tell Motocross that it’s heaps sweet of him to do & he says that the Willy kid owes him a favour so it’s ok.

It’s almost like Motocross or the universe knows I want to talk but needed time to process my thoughts about this whole show thing, I mean I was only going to see him & he acted all weird about it, he also said it was cancelled but my mum was at the actual show watching the bike riders… Or is it that I am getting closer to finding out that everything Motocross has told me is a load of fucking bullshit? It’s not even 10:00 pm & Motocross looks at his watch & says that his dad has been calling & just messaged & said to come home. He doesn’t bring his phone with him so he only has the message on his watch. He says that he doesn’t know what this is about & will go home to find out but will come back. Couple of things here – why didn’t he just call his dad to ask what is wrong rather than leaving. Also ages ago his phone was broken due to being in water yet he doesn’t have his phone here now & is sending & receiving text messages but couldn’t message me that weekend?! FUCK.

Motocross literally runs out the door so fast, no hug or even a proper goodbye but he says that he will come back shortly. I say no worries but as soon as he leaves, I get into my pjs & get into bed, he is 100% not coming back! I feel it in my gut. I just know it… I feel like an idiot…

#IBD4U

Silverlining #2

The more I talk to Silverlining, the less I care about Motocross, which is dumb. Who the fuck is Silverlining anyway? If Silverlining is Noodle, do I want to go there again? If it’s not Noodle then I actually am getting along with him better than I have gotten along with Motocross in 6-7 weeks of dating him & maybe I should be dating Silverling!

I don’t know what has me addicted to chatting to Silverlining, is it the thrill that it might be Noodle? Or is it just that I know I am not 100% happy with what I’ve got so I’m trolling online for something else…?! Am I just like every guy that I’ve chatted too or dated? I’ve told you before I don’t believe monogamy can work, I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person, but at any sign that it’s not working out, do I self-sabotage?!

I ask if I can share what I scares me with Motocross without judgement, he of course says yeah “He’s a big kid. His job – he gets novelty cheques & tried to use them as a joke in a shop (I think that’s fucking hilarious), his toys like boats, jetskis, bikes etc… I really like this his personality, jokey & hilarious but I am worried that it will get old – like really quickly. Like annoying… I’m yet to see a serious side” I haven’t told you that about Motocross, I literally was laughing my head off when he said he got a giant cheque & it didn’t fit in his suit case, he likes to keep them for mementos so he brought it home & tried to use it at the airport to pay for something. That shit is funny, but if he did it every trip, you’d totally get annoyed.

Silverlining keeps telling me I am off the market, I deny it… I mean I am not off the market! Lets face it… But he thinks we’re exclusive & not using condoms so I am off the market – I say just because I’ve decided not to fuck others, doesn’t mean I’m off the market, I mean Motocross is being weird. I get that he has some sort of issue, he’s told me he’s been destroyed by women before.

I tell him about my rule & that I don’t message first, Silverlining says that everyone has that rule (even Noodle did) I tell him that I’m trying to change as I figure that’s why maybe I’ve lost contact with some guys in the past & he says “The guys were never really into you haha and that’s why you lost them” It’s like a kick in the guts. I am almost 100% sure that this is Noodle, I have always doubted Noodle’s feelings for me after how he ended it & what he did, coming to my house like a thief in the night, with his mentally unstable partner in the car, to get his stuff back & leaving his key, then emailing me for months afterwards. I also question how much he loved me, I don’t think I will ever get over that, did he actually love me?!

When we’re talking about Motocross never giving me head or fingering me, Silverlining just says that not all men like it & if he hasn’t done it, he probably won’t unless I ask. I am not that bothered about him giving me head – most men aren’t that good at it anyway. I tell Silverlining how amazing my ex made me at it & say “It’s easy, go really deep a few times to get a lot of spit then use your hand for the shaft twisting as you rub up & down, then suck the top & use your tongue. Then every now & then lick from the balls to the tip & repeat” I know that if this is Noodle, he will tell me he’s hard or he’ll say “Shhh you” his reply says “Thanks for turning me on” I just say that I was giving him a tip & he says that I gave him a tip in his pants.

Silverlining tells me I am whipped & wrapped around Motocross little finger, perhaps I am or perhaps I am just willing to put in some effort with a man, ironically with a man who’s not interested in me. The next day after seeing Motocross but not having sex with him, I tell Silverlining that we didn’t have sex, when he says “I’m surprised you didn’t rape him last night” I obviously DON’T condone rape at all however, it was always a term that Noodle & I used with each other – that obviously isn’t used often with randoms for being taken literal, but it just makes me think that this is Noodle even more!

Silverlining tells me not to doubt myself, stop thinking so low of myself & start trusting again. I have told him of British & Noddy so far, so he knows that I am struggling even more to trust men after those two recent experiences. I say “Thanks for that, so helpful” & Silverlinng replies “Look, I’ve chatted to you for a few days but I can tell your not a normal woman , you come across incredibly sexy and smart and your probably so much better than you think you are. So don’t be so harsh on yourself. And if everything is showing you he is genuine then trust your gut. That will usually tell you when something is wrong. And I’m sure your beautiful too.” I tell him that I am the best I have looked but a noob at love. He says that I need to be confident & that I have probably been fine at love.

He asks how many times I have “legit fucked it up” with a man, I mean Noodle always said legit… I just say that I am the common denominator, I haven’t really done anything specific to fuck up any relationship I have been in, like I don’t think I have pushed any men away as such, I may have done the wrong thing sometimes, but I haven’t actually done something to fuck it up. He says he knows that’s what the answer was going to be but he wanted me to say it, he says that it’s not my fault & I shouldn’t blame myself. He tells me I have the sex part down, I just need to work on the feelings part, that most women have issues with the sex part but get feelings really easily… I don’t think that’s true, but maybe it is. I know I don’t get real feelings easily & I have talked to a lot of married men who’s wives clearly don’t give them sex, so maybe it’s a wife thing or maybe I do have the sex thing sorted?! He says that some women just lay there or are prudes, I just need to focus on the affection. I mean I agree, I am good at sex, but shit at the intimacy part… He tells me to show affection & talk about my feelings with Motocross – is he serious?! I can’t do that…As much as I want too, I really am not a feelings talking type of girl. He suggests that I offer a massage, I literally burst out laughing with that suggestion, I so couldn’t do that… I mean I don’t think I’ve ever massaged anyone, well maybe Crows when he made me for 5 minutes with a timer! Silverlining tells me to be affectionate & cheeky at bowling, which is why I wear lingerie to put me in that mindset & I do expect the night to be cheeky, but Motocross’ head isn’t in it as you know & it makes me awkward.

I ask Silverlining if he’s single, since he seems to be offering so much advice about relationships, instead of just saying yes or no & ending the conversation there, he refuses to answer, avoiding the question making a bigger deal about it than it ever needed to be. Considering this is an anonymous app, he could totally lie & I’d be none the wiser but avoiding the question made me realise that my suspicions are probably correct, that I am chatting to Noodle & he knows or suspects that it’s me. FUCK! So when he refuses to answer, I say that he’s in a relationship but not entirely happy, he refuses to acknowledge it again, again! OMG. It’s fucking him… I need to stop this. He is still on this stupid app… FUCK…

Silverlining best thing i ever felt

I tell a couple of people that I think I am chatting to Noodle, fuck the universe! It’s really hard to admit it to be really frank with you, I mean I know this is not a good idea, but there is so much I need to know, so much I want to say to him… My sister tells me to stop – immediately, my friends tell me to stop. But I am a moth to a flame… I am a kid in a candy store – I just want more…

Silverlining thinks that Motocross is just after companionship & that he himself has trolled online in the past for a companion. I don’t agree that Motocross is looking at me as just a companion. I don’t think men troll online dating for just a companion. Yes I agree that’s what everyone wants out of life, is a companion, I don’t disagree with him on that, however I don’t think that single men on a dating app are just looking for a friend & I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for, however, I may have been friend zoned, I’m not 100% sure on that yet… Stay tuned to find out, I guess. Silverlining thinks that he’s not that into me. I mean if I listen to the book, then yeah I agree, but I don’t think a guy would see you 3-4 times a week if they aren’t into you… Fuck I have no idea what Motocross wants, I really don’t. I’m so confused.

So chatting to Silverlining in bed in the morning, my sister messages me & asks me to go to the Royal Adelaide show with her because her husband hurt his back. Silverlining is replying quickly to every message then stops. Pretty much the same pattern Noodle had around 10:00am on a Saturday when she gets up… As I am getting ready for the show, something inside me says that I will see Noodle at the show – a feeling I can’t shake… Why do I feel like I will see him today? It’s been a year since we spoke (If this isn’t Noodle). I spend a while getting ready to go, with makeup that I wouldn’t usually wear during the day or to the royal show FFS. I don’t have time to do my hair after the gym so I throw it in a top knot & put on a cute headband. We get to the show – I tell my sister on the way that I have this feeling about seeing him, she tells me not to worry & enjoy the day with the kids. I try to relax, but we are there about 6 fucking minutes when Noodle walks casually past me. FUCK! It’s like slow motion in a movie, he’s slim & tall, he now has a tattoo on his arm – just like Doppleganger, that’s new!? – walking pushing a pram with his partner trailing behind him, who I think is staring at me first. I look at his partner & she sees me, like she notices who I am, but he doesn’t seem to notice me or look in my direction at all, however he’s wearing glasses & I can’t see his eyes. I knew they would still be together, I mean he hasn’t contacted me, so I assume that it wasn’t over, but seeing them together really hurts me. FUCK it hurts! I point him out to my sister & I literally go into a meltdown mode. I am shaking, my tummy churns. I can’t eat the rest of the day, I am on edge looking out for them for the rest of the day. Motherfucker!

I mean I knew deep down they were still together, because I’m 100% certain he would’ve messaged me had they broken up but seeing him with her, for the very first time ever in the 2.5 years since it all began with him, literally killed me. I never thought I would be faced with seeing them together, I’ve not even really seen pictures of them together. I am now looking around without even enjoying the show with the kids. FUCK.

Later in the day, standing outside a hall, Noodle is standing there tall & fucking slim as ever, doing something with his partner. I want him to see me but I can’t let him see me either. We have to walk past him to do what we are doing, so I grab my nephews hand & stand up straight (sucking in my gut which is smaller than it was when we were together) then walk past him without looking at him – I am the bigger person here, I am not going to let him rattle me. My sister says he looked at her but not at me. I don’t see him again, which is good however all day I am on the lookout for him. I never relax. I also can’t eat, I feel sick. I have come so far & this is a major setback! What the fuck…

I hate that I am not enjoying the day now, constantly on the lookout because when I stopped thinking about him, he appeared. I wonder if they both saw me? I wonder if she knew who I was? I’m pretty sure her look lingered.

At about 7:00 pm I feel relieved, like I can feel that Noodle has gone home that I check the anonymous app & there is a message from Silverlining waiting for me – I’m 100% certain this is Noodle now – does he know it’s me?! I can relax now. Noodle has gone home! Thank god, I don’t need to be on edge anymore. Fuck why is my life such a joke!! I finally have a nice, cute, single funny man, albeit who doesn’t seem 100% interested in me anymore & has some weird flags waving but I like him & then Noodle reappears?! You can’t make this stuff up, my life it just someone having a laugh, am I in the sims game? You know where you’re in charge of if they go to work etc? Someone is playing & having a good fucking time playing!

#IBD4U

Motocross #20

Just FYI – if you skipped over Sundays Silverlining blog post because you wanted a Motocross post, then I suggest you go back & read it before you read this one, it is important to the #IBD4U story! Trust me, you probably need to read it before you read anything else!

One thing I also forgot to tell you, is that Motocross told me about a house he was looking at buying, I can’t help but think this is a good sign, I ask if he’s looking at moving back here & he says that’s always the plan. I can’t help but think if this goes well, we can do long distance or something for a while, or I could live in America – would be good to get away from Adelaide for a while. He tells me that the house he’s found has a pool & is in a small town in the Adelaide hills. We sort of don’t linger on the topic but the next day I look it up on the internet – like a fuckwit, there is only one house with a pool in that town on the real estate website & it’s a fucking god damn mansion! I am literally floored at the fucking house… It’s got a horse stable, a vineyard, an infinity pool, the whole house is remodelled, it’s absolutely stunning, a fucking dream house! I show a couple of people at work, including my boss – who starts planning the house warming party (He’s worse than me! Not that I’m denying planning where my amazing furniture would go in this house! Hahaha…) WTF as if a guy I am dating could afford this?! This type of house is not in my reality at all… I mean most of my friends have houses, nice houses but not dream houses! I have no idea what the price is because it’s only open by appointment & the price isn’t listed. FUCK. It kind of makes me uncomfortable at how much debt I have & how much money he has. I mean I am lucky & in a good position in my life, I have a house & an investment property however I’m in a fuck ton of debt! But this actually kicks my butt to get my finances sorted – while I still have mortgages, I work really hard while dating Motocross to pay off my afterpay & credit card so I have some savings. I mean I am going to Queensland in a few weeks too! I plan to do a lot of shopping!

Motocross also tells me that is car that he drives is worth about $75k. It’s a older Holden Commodore ute thing. Now I know cars a little so I know it’s a nice car, but fuck if that car is worth $75k, then I’m a monkeys uncle! He also tells me that he has a BMW van, which he does drive to my house one night, I don’t ever really see it but I notice his car key when he puts it down. As he generally only brings one key in & doesn’t bring his phone or wallet.

This is also about the time I write the What the fuck is there to do in Adelaide? blog (Do you remember that one!? It was about Motocross – if you haven’t already joined those dots. Hahaha.) I didn’t want to keep just hanging around my house, especially since we aren’t having a lot of sex anymore, that I write that post asking you what we can do & I start planning some fun dates. Unfortunately he’s always away on the weekends so we have to do after work things – which limits things but it’s still better than watching YouTube & listening to music 3-4 times a week.

I don’t hear from Motocross Wednesday or Thursday so I message when I get home on Thursday night after work & ask if he wants to do dinner before bowling, he says yeah that he’s just leaving the city now. After chatting to Silverlining about this date, I decide to put on my favourite lingerie, not that Motocross will probably notice, but I put it on anyway to make me feel better. I am going to make a move tonight! Yes, I can do it!

Motocross gets to my house about 6:30 pm, I’ve booked online the bowling alley but my friend at work told me he needs to absolutely pay for bowling. That he owes me, I’ve paid for everything & he keeps boasting about his money that he needs to pay. I don’t have a lot of money as it’s the end of the fortnight & I really want steak so I take him to a new steak house near my house but there is a fucking quiz night on! I literally laugh my head off at the fact we’re trying to go somewhere with a fucking quiz night again, it’s freezing outside & I suggest we sit outside or try the fancy burger joint up the road. He doesn’t have a jacket (& is shivering) but we walk up the road to the burger place & as we order, he stands back so I pay for me own & then he steps up & pays for his… I am all for paying my own way, you know I’m an independent woman with a mortgage & an investment property, I do not need a man to pay for anything for me – ever. However this man has bragged about a $90k car he’s just bought his brother, he’s talked about a mansion he’s potentially buying, he’s told me that he wins $20k per weekend at the races, so surely this guy can fork out the $20 for my dinner?! That’s ok, I’ll somehow get him to pay for the 2 games of bowling which is almost $50. Yes he can pay for the bowling!

We eat awkwardly at a stool, there are no tables & it’s messy so I try so hard not to look like a slob with burger all over my face. We eat then I drive us to the bowling alley, there is about 5 people in there, I was expecting it to be more packed but it’s not. I stand at the counter checking in while Motocross stands back & I pull out my card to pay for the bowling, which I can’t really afford, because he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket again. I have to put it on my credit card. It puts a dampener over the evening for me, I was expecting a cheeky night where we sit next to each other between bowls & chat or kiss… But he sits at the other end of the bench that I sit at & I think he couldn’t possibly get any further away from me if he tried.

I bowl first & get a strike, acting all coy about being reasonable at this game. Between shots we don’t touch or act cheeky like I have went bowling before – remember Fireman?! When I went bowling with him we sat close, we touched, we were cheeky – it was like a proper date. However it was darker at that bowling alley, it’s bright as fuck in here, with every fluro overhead light that is possible being on. It’s not really date sort of lighting, lets put it that way. Motocross asks me if I want a drink, I say yes & he comes back with a giant cup of soda that I assume he’s only going to buy me one beer! Between shots, he starts playing with his phone a lot, standing behind the partition that holds all the bowling balls, so much so that it makes me suspicious & I ask him what he’s doing, he stays he’s getting messages about this weekend’s show & riding at the Royal show which is starting tomorrow. Stuff he has to sort out. He apologises but my mood has taken a further nose dive. I shut down & barely speak, thinking this guy is just not into me. Silverlining is right, I mean I am invested with this guy & he clearly isn’t into me at all!

I feel like a fucking idiot, I am wearing lingerie, I am really interested in this man & he couldn’t give a fuck about me… Why do I feel so stupid… Yet another man has used me for whatever purpose…

Motocross do i want you

When we drive home, he plays with his phone in the car, I am in more of a mood, I mean he made me drive, he didn’t put his hand in his pocket for anything yet constantly talks about money, I’ve never been with a guy who talks as much about how much things cost as Motocross does. I don’t even think I’ve told him I own my house – actually I think I did tell him I own my house but don’t think he knows about my investment. I did so an experiment once to tell men that I rented, that I didn’t have a mortgage because apparently I am too independent. However it makes no difference. What is this with Motocross? Are we friends?! Can we even be considered friends at this point?

He comes in, which actually surprises me tonight. I get even grumpier because I get the feeling we’re not going to have sex as well. I am certainly not making a move on him tonight & I think he can pick up on my vibe. I want him to go. But I mean the only thing that will turn this around now, is if we have sex.

We sit around talking for an hour or so listening to youtube music videos. He has at least put his phone away & is paying attention to me. We’re talking about how he’s riding at the Royal show all week & then the weekend he’s away for crusty demons then he’s back riding at the show. I yawn a lot & try to give signals that I want him to leave – this is a new development for me, I have never wanted a man to leave. I mean I want him to stay because he wants to stay, but as soon as he says he should go, I just up, ready to say goodbye. Normally I take a while to get off the couch or he has to pull me up to hug me, tonight, I am ready to for him to leave. I feel deflated & stupid. I have worn my favourite lingerie to make myself feel better & to see if his eyes pop when he sees me in it – just like Noodle would, but he’s been more interested in his phone that I think I am just his friend.

He hugs me goodbye, even longer than usual, I try to pull away quicker but he hangs on, like he knows I am not happy but doesn’t know what to say… He doesn’t sent a date to see me again, he says he’ll text tomorrow, I say sure. I think he can sense the tone of the evening & knows I am really pissed. I mean it’s 11:00 pm & he’s leaving, without sex, without a kiss, without another prospect of a date… I am shutting down & I don’t even care if he can tell or not to be honest. I am not contacting this guy again, if he’s keen, he’ll be true to his word & message tomorrow, if he’s not, then I’m ok with that.

Or am I just putting on a brave front because I think this man is not into me & pulling away?

#IBD4U