Silverlining #19

After the gym today, some may say that I have a moment of insanity, maybe it’s because he said he was going to kiss me, but I say “Well, I could meet you for lunch today”  FUCK… My plans have changed & I want to get this out of the way… We want to meet, so just fucking do it, I can’t message him any longer without seeing him again. I have to see him, I want to see him, he wants to see me. He replies “Haha, I say I’m going to kiss you and suddenly your free for lunch.” He says that he’s keen for lunch today, if I am too. He says to meet him at 12:00 pm at Hungry Jacks (fucking HJ’s) & with that, I speedily get ready – not caring as much today what I look like & I am in the car driving the old route to his work…

I shake as I drive past his work, thinking that I might see him walking to his car & that might settle me, I am early, because that the stupid shit I do – I hate people who are late – but I can ever run late. I see him drive into the car park as I’m sitting in the car & then walking into the Hungry Jacks with a piece of paper in his hand & his keys. He looks the same as I remember, his shirt looks about 20 sizes too big – but he looks the same. I am wearing a short denim dress that’s button up the front, with long sleeves, I’m wearing cute brown sandals, my hair has fallen perfectly, my makeup is subtle & just right, I feel good. I get out the car as he’s walking past & he sees me. FUCK. He turns to come over towards my car, I am shaking like a leaf – I haven’t seen him for over a year. He looks the same, yet somehow different. He’s tall & I have to stand on my tippy toes & he has to bend to hug & kiss me. We have a lingering hug – the type of hug that makes you feel like you’re home & a kiss on the lips hello, before walking into HJ’s. He tries to get me to order something, but I don’t & can’t eat. It smells gross to me right now. There are too many stressors in my life to be eating. We sit down at a table & he scoffs his meal, we chat semi awkwardly.

I feel it – FUCK, I  feel it… That chemistry, that crackle between us. It was there when we first met, those are the exact words I said over two years ago. It was there every time I saw this man, it never went away. It’s there now, I feel so alive when I’m with him, all my senses are heightened – his smell, how he looks & his touch… Every fibre of my being wants this man. Whether that is right or wrong, I want him. whether he is going to be with me ever, I still want him.  I can feel how much he wants me too, I am certain that I’ve made his cock twitch, if it’s not entirely hard, I know he’s aroused, just by being in my presence…

He shows me the pieces of paper he’s brought along with him, I can’t help but think for an instant that it’s a NDA like Christian Grey. Hahaha. But he’d told me he just had his redundancy meeting & this is his offer. He asks my opinion, if I think he should take it & I say that he should find his passion, how often do we get that chance in life to get a pay out & find what we love doing? If I was ever made redundant, I’d take it for sure.

Silverlining shoves a chip at my mouth & I say that I can’t eat it but he forces me to eat this one chip. He has a sad look in his eyes, begging me to look after myself, that I eat the chip & he smiles. He fidgets with his piece of paper, folding it & unfolding it, trying not to look me in the eyes, knowing that our eyes are a dead give away to each other. I fight with my keys on the table, wanting so badly to reach across the table & hold his hand, I come close to touching his hand, but I chicken out. I can see in his eyes what he’s feeling, so when we do lock eyes, they meet & without words, I know everything I need to know about him. He loves me & I can tell that he is genuinely torn. I know that he says he loves his partner, but there is no way that he looks at her the way he looks at me. I can tell… There are some things you can’t fake. He’s shaking too, I can tell, when he holds the papers, the way he talks, the way he’s acting, I know he’s nervous & this is just as hard for him as it is for me. I can see in his eyes that his is torn, I know he wants this with me, I can feel it, I can see it. But I can also see the anguish of not wanting to leave his family unit either… I can honestly, for the first time, see the absolute struggle he is having between what he thinks he should do & what he wants to do. I saw the struggle the day he was at my house, but that isn’t the same as what I’m seeing now. That day it was too raw & with her messing with his head, he was unsure about what to do, but now in this moment, I can see the hurt & pain he is in being here with me.

Then suddenly a dude appears & Silverlining looks up at him, who is sort of hovering over our table, over the partition while waiting for his food. I just think it’s a weirdo in HJ’s when Silverlining says ‘hey man’ & they ask each other how they are. I just think nothing of it so turn away thinking it’s either a customer from Silverlining’s work or just a random hey between guys who made eye contact – though I didn’t think that Silverlining would be the type to do that. When the guy says bye as he’s walking out & Silverling says see ya man or something, I look up at Silverlining & there is a freaked out look on his face. “FUCK that was my sisters fiancé” Oh now he uses the word fiancé?! WTF.  Fuck me sideways…. I seriously cannot believe that we’ve just been sprung! I ask if he’ll say anything & he says probably to his sister but she won’t say anything to his partner apparently. Well fuck. I am fucked if his partner finds out that he’s had lunch with me! Jesus, of all the places for us to get spotted, I never thought it would be at Hj’s… He doesn’t seem as worried about it as me…

As we sit there chatting about his redundancy & how shit things are for me at work, I am still playing with his keys, wanting so badly to reach out & touch his hands, which are so close to me. He’s fidgeting with the paper still, that I feel like he wants to touch him too, but he’s holding back. We always hold back with each other. However, I fucking can’t bring myself to do it. This is a man who has been intimate with me on so many levels, seen every part of me physically, yet I can’t reach out & touch his hand. What if he pulls away because he realises that this is a mistake, meeting me again? Seeing me again? I always struggle with affection, I know I’ve done it with other men too, but this guy is different, isn’t he? Why can’t I touch him? I guess it’s lucky I didn’t because how would he explain that to his brother-in-law-to-be?

When he looks me dead in the eye, I almost know what’s coming, our time is almost up, he has to go back to work & so he says “Is there anything you want to say to me?” I know what he is referring too, I know what he wants me to say. He’s always said it first, he said it in message first when we admitted it finally, he said it first in real life when he was at my house & he’s admitted who he was first when we were strangers & that he still loved me first this time, I know he wants me to say that I love him first now that we’re face to face… It’s something he knows I struggle with & to be honest, I probably would wait for him to say it if he didn’t prompt me like this. But I need to do this too, I should have already said it, it was my regret, why haven’t I said it yet? I can’t joke about this, I can’t be a dick about it either, this is my time to tell him what I am feeling, what I feel, my big regret can be reversed here. I shouldn’t need to be prompted but I am going to do it. I look him in the eye, he’s looking at me wanting to hear it just as much as I want to say it, I can see that in his eyes, he needs to hear it from me, probably more than I need to say it “I love you Silverlining” he smiles as it washes over him, a look in his eye that I know he feels it, he doesn’t say it back so I say “Is there anything you want to say to me?” & laugh & he says “I love you #IBD4U” OH FUCK. There is nothing I like more than saying this to him, to his face, to rectify things I regretted before. Despite what you all think of him, if I am doing the wrong thing, but I love him & there is nothing I can do to change that right now.

#IBD4U