September 2026 – 365
21 September 2026 – Today is one year – 365 days, since I hopped out the car, as he was pulling up his pants, at “our spot” as he called it, (fuck that still gives me butterflies when I think about him calling it ‘our spot’) I hugged him so tightly, fitting into his big frame perfectly like we, our bodies, were made for a hug like this. I breathed him in. I breathed him in deeper than ever before. I can still smell, that smell of him – deodorant, our sex, his manly smell. I didn’t know it at the time, that this hug, that I was savouring, was the end, the last hug I would ever have from him… I knew it was ending, that the expiry date was like a carton of milk sitting in your fridge too long, I just didn’t know that it had already gone sour & he had thrown it in the bin… Jeez what an analogy. But it’s true. He hugged me tighter too, like he knew, maybe not that it was the last time, but we both were aware that it was dying, a slow death, a fucking painful death, that would destroy anything we had, but neither of us were ready to let go of or could cut ties with, but his grip told me that he knew something was up & I knew that because of this, he would pull back even further – which is exactly what he did…
As you know, if you’re a reader, after that Sunday afternoon, it was school holidays & we didn’t talk for the whole two weeks – after months of him telling me he wanted to treat me better & communicate better. Yet, he didn’t try to talk to me or see if I was ok, he messaged twice & left it at that. Then treated me like an acquaintance, not someone he’d been fucking for eight years. I didn’t know that he was hugging me tight to say goodbye, I was hugging him tight, to try to hold onto him just a little bit longer, but he was letting me go…
He slipped out of my reach…
Well, he was never in my reach…
In 365 days I haven’t kissed or fucked another guy. He can’t say the same thing about a woman, can he? He never could… I feel like such an idiot for still wanting someone who doesn’t even care that I am not in his life anymore. That’s not the reason I haven’t slept with anyone else, I just can’t imagine another man’s touch on my body… & despite how much I try not too, I still love him. I just can’t put myself out there again onto online dating, onto meeting randoms that will just end up a story in the blog – I can’t see any other future than one with him in it… Even fucking now, 365 days later. I haven’t bothered with online dating because, it’s not fair on some loser to date them when my heart is still somewhere else & it’s not fair to my clit to date another fuckwit who won’t even be able to find it.
There are so many things in the last 365 days that I’ve wanted to tell him, so many good things, bad things, and those tiny, ridiculous, nothing moments that only he would understand. Things that would mean absolutely nothing to anyone else if I said them out loud, like changing internet providers & how fucked up that process was, them having to dig up my front yard or trying the new Woolworths Cinnabon cake. No one else would care, but those were the bullshit conversations I cherished, because they were the threads that stitched us together. The everyday nonsense, the throwaway details, the little updates, they were never really about the topics. They were about the fact that he was the person I told them to, the person who made the mundane shit feel like connection, the person who made the ordinary feel extraordinary.
I had told him before, that I didn’t know what love was… Well… That was love. The fucking deepest love. The ordinary feeling extraordinary… I don’t know, if he felt even a little bit like I did, how he can be so content with losing it.
Losing that everyday intimacy has been is its own kind of heartbreak, not loud, not dramatic, but slow & quiet. It’s the grief of losing the person I shared the small things with, the tiny threads that stitched our days together. The nonsense conversations. The mundane check‑ins. The comfort of knowing there was one person who cared about the details of my life simply because they were mine…
Everyday intimacy isn’t built from grand gestures; it’s built from the accumulation of these ordinary moments. That was more special to me that any sexual position I had with him or anyone. I’d never really had everyday intimacy, even with Boyfriend, it was never like it was with Obsidian. So when those moments disappear, it feels like losing a language I was fluent in, a private dialect made of inside jokes, shared routines, and the rhythm of our two lives quietly syncing. But we were syncing from afar,always through a periscope.
What hurts most is how subtle the loss was, that even now 365 days later, I am still reeling in the loss. There’s no explosion, no final fight, no clear ending. Just a slow fading. A story you don’t feel like you can share… . A thought you catch yourself saving for him before remembering he’s not yours to tell anymore. The silence grows & suddenly I realise we have become strangers. I can’t call. I can’t text. Even if I did, it would go unanswered anyway…
So here is my ode to my last 365 days. 365 After. After my life changing love. These are songs over this last 365 days, when I have felt sad about losing him, songs when I felt like he might come back to me – choose me, songs when I felt empowered that I made the right decision not replying to his Christmas message after I found it, songs that remind me of what we had – what we could have had, what we still could have… 365 of them…
'I follow your step, I'll never leave you again, cause when I'm with you, it feels like home again.'
'How am I meant to be your secret lover, when I don't want to share you with no other. '
'I was made to find you, but your heart is constantly runnin, just never towards me, so why don't you just lead me on? Cause something is better than nothing at all.'
'Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly. Hopelessly, I'll give you everything, but I won't give you up.'
'I feel something so electric, overwhelming, unexpected, I don't want to stop, breathing you in.'
'How the hell did we get so rough? We forgot the safe word for our love. '
'I don't want to dive in first, you don't want to hear these word, it's only going to make it worse, you don't want to live that curse, you're telling me to keep my hope, cause you've got a heart of gold but maybe you should let me go, I'll love you through a periscope.'
'I'll never not die inside each time I hear your name, I'll never not miss you if I can't be with you, even if my last memory is you walking away, I'll never not love you.'
'You could be my unintended, Choice to live my life extended, you could be the one I'll always love. '
I may never feel love like this again… It took me so many years to find just one guy who saw the real me & it wasn’t enough. I was never enough…
He only proves this to me time & time again, even now about a month or so ago, while I am broken & loving him through a periscope, he is changing his chat app profile picture, from a black dot, to his face… His mother fucking face.
I always knew she was never enough for him, he wouldn’t have been online looking for chats or fucks if she was… I always thought that I was enough, sexually of course but I was enough intellectually, but now I know, because of this one tiny act, the thing I have always feared from our relationship, that, if I ever had him, I would never be enough…
'I want you to know, with everything, I won't let this go, these words are my heart & soul...'
'Cause I'm about to break down, I'm searching for a way out, I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non believer, I'm a popular monster, I break down, falling into love now with falling apart... '
'Should I waste my time, telling myself it can't be over or could the stars align & everything I've been dreaming ends in us? '
'We almost lost this game, but I don't believe it's the end...'
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 