Obsidian #15

April 2026 – Penetrate my icy exterior

29 April 2025 – I don’t know what it is, but in the last couple of weeks, something inside me is really melancholy… Maybe it’s finding the song I will post a little later, maybe it’s just that it’s been over seven months since I last had sex, knowing that Obsidian can’t say the same & I’m not convinced that it would only just been with his wife too…

Maybe it’s because I am more horny that I have been in six months too. Here’s some TMI for you, but wouldn’t be a #IBD4U blog without it. So when I knew I wasn’t going to see Obsidian again, I stopped shaving my pubic hair. If you’re a long time reader, you’ll know I was having laser when I first met him, so I don’t have a lot of hair anyway but I had just stopped bothering to tend to it, I didn’t do it for him, because he sure as shit didn’t tend to his at all with me, but I just shaved it off, so letting it grow back was also a bit odd, because it was patchy where the laser worked better than other spots. But anyway, the other night, I don’t know why I chose to get rid of it all, with tweezers! Yes I plucked my bikini line, one hair at a time! I may need a hobby, I know… But I dunno, it’s been a long time since I had any hair but also been a few months since I have been bare & do you know what? Having no hair makes you so much hornier than when you have hair…

Maybe it’s that it’s three years since I went to Papa Roach & wrote that post that ultimately was the the catalyst that changed our dynamic when he read it & oddly Papa Roach were recently back in Adelaide – I didn’t go, I doubt he did either but I didn’t want to taint my night on edge thinking I might see him. I was away anyway in my little caravan, not thinking about him or a concert taking place.

But whatever it is, I fucking miss him.

All I have – EMO and Oskar Cyms

Walking away, closer is sober
Something is telling me we can’t be reached anymore
I’m falling apart, but I know that I need you
I need you now

It hit me like a train when nothing felt the same
Footprints in the waves, I can feel it that it’s over
Something’s gotta hold
Something’s gotta hold

I gave you all I have, I wanna fall in the night
Shoulder to shoulder
I’ll carry you, I’ll carry with all that I have

Is there a word I could say?
Was there a chance in your head?
Is there a way to remind you
I gave you, I gave you all that I have

I’m running a maze further from home now
Something is keeping me following empty words
Is there light in the dark? ‘Cause I know that I need you
I need you now

It hit me like a train when nothing felt the same
Footprints in the waves, I can feel it that it’s over
Something’s gotta hold
Something’s gotta hold

I gave you all I have, I wanna fall in the night
Shoulder to shoulder
I’ll carry you, I’ll carry you with all that I have

Is there a word I could say?
Was there a chance in your head?
Is there a way to remind you
I gave you, I gave you all that I have

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Thomas Martin Leithead-docherty / Patryk Kumor / Jan Bielecki / Dominic Buczkowski-wojtaszek / Damian Skoczyk

I can feel that it’s over. I gave all I had, he didn’t & he never could. He contacted me when he thought he was going to die with his eyesight, he happened to find my blog & realised he took me for granted. He drew me back in, to take me for granted one last time, I would have gone to his eye appointments with him, his wife didn’t… Its a revelation to realise that someone takes you for granted, someone that you literally would have done anything for & they can’t even message more than once in a 24 hour period…. I would have fucking taken the day off work to go to his fucking eye appointments & he couldn’t log on to snapchat because he had to do two factor authentication, to tell me he couldn’t be online for the day… So, yeah, it really shows how much I meant to him. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING… So I won’t reach out or fix this. But I miss the man I was able to chat too, the one that did want to hear what I had to say, the one who reassured me that he wanted to have me in his life, but I don’t miss the man who made me feel like an obligation every fucking day…

While my walls are up & if he did reach out, it would not be easy going for him to even penetrate my icy exterior now – even just to be chat buddies, so I know he won’t ever put in the effort to get back to a amicable place & even if he did surprise me, he’s the boy who cried wolf, would I believe him for a fourth time?? But I do know of one thing that would break the ice… I won’t share it here, while I don’t think that he’s reading now in real time, I feel like one day he will read this to catch up (even if it’s just to find out how many many I’ve fucked since him, which is still zero!), so I am not going to give it up that easy… I did before with the Papa Roach post & he jumped at the vulnerability that I rarely show. But I will say – it’s not sex or sexual (kissing/hugging/touch), it’s not telling me that he loves me or how much he misses me, it’s not even leaving his wife, it’s not randomly coming to see me, it’s not buying me a gift or flowers…. It’s not anything as obvious as that, well it’s obvious to me, but I am not sure if he knows me as well as he said he does to be able to figure out what it would take. & even if he did figure it out, I know he won’t do it & if he surprised me & did it, he wouldn’t be able to maintain the strained friendship because he’s so busy & it wouldn’t be easy for me to let my guard down ever again, especially if he’s still with her.

It’s actually very fucking simple really, but I can’t really see us ever being on talking terms again, which maybe is what fucking hurts the most. The other times we’ve ended, there’s been a goodbye, never a great one, but we had a goodbye. We knew it was over, however it never felt over… I always knew & I think I even said it in the blog that I knew there would be a part two. I never knew there would be a part three and a part three v2.0. But it never felt finished, even though we had a goodbye. This time, there was no drama, no tears, no goodbye. Just a slow fade to silence. He didn’t fight for me when he was losing me, there is no way he is fighting to get me back into his life again…

I love the man with all my fucking heart & made time for him every fucking day & he still was able to say he didn’t think I wanted to talk to him – so imagine how much effort he would put in if I actually was a stone, truly giving him nothing?! I mean he’s proved what he’d do, when I did back off… Radio silence since his Christmas message. I don’t even check if he’s been online anymore, I’ve deleted him, I don’t search him anymore like I did incessantly after the Christmas message, I don’t use Snapchat much anymore either, it hurts to much to message anyone, but I know for sure, without looking, that he doesn’t come on to check if I’ve messaged…

#IBD4U