You know it’s a very odd feeling not texting someone every single day & every single night. I know this may be a foreign concept for a lot of you, especially those in relationships before texting or before social media but for me, the last well – I suppose the last 16 years, it’s been something that I have consistently done. There’s been a boy of some kind on the scene, whether it be from online or from somewhere else, (I mean there are so many that I never wrote about too, some that I never met them) but I have literally had someone to text with my whole single life. When one stops messaging, there is always another one waiting to take their place.
So this weird feeling since the ending of M8, I haven’t been texting anyone & I am not looking to text anyone… It’s really fucking odd for me & I know that some of you, like I said, will not understand this need, this feeling, this void. It’s the only way to feel justified, it’s the only way to feel fufilled in a loney single life.
When I think about the time I have spent in over a decade, texting for fuck only how many hours & how many times I prioritised texting with someone, particularly Marvel, when I should have been doing something else. Like study or like socialising with actual humans face to face not digitally, I am scared to think how many hours I have wasted in my life! & this is about when a wave of loneliness glides over me & I do the unthinkable. The thing I think will be the last time doing this because I will meet some… I hit install on a bloody dating app!
So I download an app, I spend either way too much time on a profile or no time at all. It makes no difference because they only look at your picture anyway but sometimes I put in effort. I start chatting to some boys – some that I’ve spoken to before – some that I’ve dated before, ultimately they talk to you for ages, put in a lot of fucking effort & then do what every other boy has done before & ghost.
I don’t need someone to complete me, I don’t need to be completed but I want somebody compliment me, to sleep next to me every night, to go out with, to be my friend. I don’t text my best friend’s everyday. So I don’t really like starting off a relationship with excessive texting because you know that it’s going to dwindle out when you start hanging out as a couple, then I’ll probably be missing the texting & look for that again.
Yeah it’s fucking lonely, it is so fucking lonely, that texting when you’re laying in bed, feeling a bit shit about yourself, therefore feeling a bit sorry for yourself & so the texting makes you smile. For those in a relationship perhaps it might be like the conversation with your partner making you smile when you’re sitting in bed together. I am sitting there with my phone, making my eyes so sore I need new glasses, so I am giving it up.
I have basically text boys almost every night of my entire life. I have the same thing happen over & over again & yet somehow I still find the strength to put myself out there again, only to have the same thing happen… Why is that, I am genuinely asking you why is that?
I have also asked guys that I’ve dated in the past or spoken with J-Lo & Dom Dom are useless, they have no clue why guys keep doing this time me. I had been chatting with plumber to do some plumbing work for me, he talks to me fairly consistently, so I ask him what happened when we dated 2 years ago & what happened when we dated 7 years ago in his mind. Because for me, he ghosted me twice for no reason in my mind. Besides my overthinking brain, that I’m ugly, that I’m fat, that I’m bad in bed, which he says none of those are true.
Plumber now has a partner who he’s been with since I saw him last, but I figure I can maybe get an answer here, get some perspective. He says that his mind wasn’t in the right place when we dated, either time so that didn’t help us either, but he said something interesting that when we dated 2 years ago, I kept saying to him that I wouldn’t sleep with him so he thought I meant ever again & decided to ghost me. WTF?! We’d already fucked thats just fucking dumb, however I was going to make him work for it. But then a few weeks later we talk about the topic again & we talk about what happened the first time we had met & the time we did have sex because I don’t really remember it.
I genuinely asked him he says that it wasn’t just about sex for him then he made a really good point – he said essentially that I wasn’t affectionate enough. Something he needs (as most people do!)but he thought he wasn’t going to get that from me. WOW. I am not a very tactile person especially when I have no clue what the guy is thinking, whether they even into me, if they want me to touch them etc… Guys literally jump up after we have sex & run away, how can I be affectionate?!
I mean I struggled to be tactile & affectionate with Marvel. Marvel was somebody I was deeply in love with, somebody I was also infatuated with, that I could not get enough of but yet somehow, when we sat in the car together on those Tuesdays nights, I couldn’t reach over & hold his hand or touch his hair or face… I struggle to show affection, even when I knew Marvel was in love with me. He still would go home to someone else…
I guess this is why I like texting. Why I do better with men when texting & then it all goes to shit when we meet? Because I can be cute & put myself out there, because I’m hidden behind a screen, it’s not face to face. It’s easy to hide & take a risk because they can just write back “lol” or nothing & it doesn’t matter…
So when I am not texting anyone, I feel a void & it makes me want to download Tinder to find that someone to text. I am not even sure if I want to date anyone, I genuinely want someone to text… Is that weird? or is that just the way of the world now?