2022 : Overthinking…

I’m an overthinker. I’m an overthinker by trade. I overthink every little scenario. Any little thing, I overthink, no matter what. I think about the positive scenarios, I think about the negative scenarios, I think about the outlandish ones, the more tame ideas… I don’t, of course tell any guy I’m seeing about this – especially the every after fantasies, but I do obviously tell my friends my ridiculous ideas which is when they tell me to “just go with the flow,” I do go with the flow, but my mind goes with the wind, the rain, the stars, the sand, the sea… It goes in every direction!

Because of this burden, (& it is a burden! I fucking hate it) I can justify anything. I can justify anyone’s actions. I justified away why Marvel stayed with his wife. I justify why every guy has done whatever they have done to me. I have been able to justify it. Sometimes blaming them but mostly thinking what is wrong with me.

I mean, I’ve got excuses for all these people. I give them an out & so when they come back & do exactly the same thing to me again, I can justify that too.. Why do I do it? Well it’s a compulsion, I think I like to think up the good scenarios, the rom com scenarios that I hope will happen to me, that never do.

For example, I didn’t put all this in M8’s post because I am not going to justify his actions. I could have said that he was busy or that it was his birthday that weekend, then it was Fathers day, a really hard day for him. He even told me that, our friend even told me that. Maybe that’s why he’s my quiet while he’s away, I know I am not the same person while I’m away for work so perhaps he is hating it. Perhaps his mobile reception is bad so he can’t message as much as he has been.

I can literally make up an excuse for every thing as to why guys don’t message me like they started off messaging me. I start as I intend to go on or I would tell them, I haven’t really ever ghosted anyone that I was involved with – either catching up with, sleeping with or consistently texting. But you know what, excuses – they will be in your life, just depends on how we deal with them, how we overthink them.

I’ve been told so many times & I just ignore it now when a new guy says it to me, that we have a great connection, but we have this or we have that but you know what, I’m so desperate – I hate that word, but for lack of a better word, there it is. I’m so keen for that relationship, for that partner, for that somebody to share my life with, that somebody to make decisions with & to travel with, to do renovations to my house together & all those kinds of things. I am so keen that I am in love with the idea of being with someone, so I am able to just justify anything they say & their actions that I will overthink everything.

I think that M8 was one that I was actually hurt the most about, because it happened when I least expected it. I genuinely didn’t even think about this guy in any sort of way. I was expecting him to come over, do my electrical work & go away. I wasn’t expecting him to hang out & take me out for lunches & actually want to spend time with me. Then telling our friend how much we’ve got in common. I guess it just hit me by surprise that he was actually interested in me & I wasn’t expecting it. I also wasn’t expecting to get along with him as well as I did… I wasn’t expecting chemistry, I wasn’t expecting a spark. It’s been such a long time since I had a spark with someone, that this ending really hurt me. FUCK.

I guess also I felt it with Eastwood as well, even though there was not that kind of pulling chemistry with Eastwood, I guess I thought with the two of these guys in particular & even with Concreter I guess, that we started out as friends, with no expectations of being a couple, but then they all went to shit, even though I dreamed up a perfect life with them.

I wonder though & this is a full spiral overthink – on Snapchat I don’t really use it for anything besides a few pics & usually filters with the kids. You get a little smiley face when someone is your best friend & to be honest, you have two chats with someone & they are your best friend. After a few days of chatting it can become a yellow heart which means you are first best friends with the person – this happened with Eastwood. After 2 weeks it can become a red heart to say that you are best friends for 2 weeks… This is about the time that Eastwood backs off… He tells me to find someone else while I’m away for work. Was it a test? Or was that his way of getting rid of me?

Maybe guys don’t get the passing of time, Marvel told me that our second affair was only weeks, when it was actually months. So perhaps the red heart alerts Eastwood that he is into this deeper than he wanted? M8 & I have a flame next to our names – this means you’ve sent snaps to each other consecutively for however many days. We get up to about 12 or 13 before the little egg timer shows & I send him a snap. I get us up to 15 then give up. In my head I’m thinking we can say at our wedding that we’ve snapped each other everyday since we became friends (I mean as if I would say that, but it’s the stupid scenario I have & I’d never had a streal before.)

I can overthink until my brain explodes. I overthink until I can’t sleep. I want to be able to cry, I want to let out some emotions but I am a stone once again… After I said I love you to Marvel, I cried a lot easier, pre I love you I wasn’t able to cry. I am back there… There is nothing a man can do to me now that can hurt me. I am untouchable.

#IBD4U

2022 : M8 #5

However, I am back to the drawing board for an electrician who I won’t get a tingle of feelings for & won’t charge me a million dollars. Fuck. Why did I fuck him… I am so fucked off… I have only slept with 4 people this year & that includes Marvel – a slow year for me but I haven’t wanted to meet new people or be adding to my number, which is up there around the ‘holy fuck’ range.

After a few days of me being dramatic & overthinking about this one, I send him a happy birthday message on the Saturday, I get a thanks back & he posts on snapchat asking people what they’re doing. My overthinking optimistic brain hopes that’s aimed at me, but probably not so I ignore it.

M8 messages the next day to ask how I’ve been on the Sunday afternoon, I don’t want to reply straight away, but I can’t help myself, I wait a bit, reply & then head to my sisters but he replies instantly that I am sucked in but I don’t reply as quickly as I had once done with him & I am careful not to write too much… We chat a bit that week & a few snapchats, I know it’s not back to how it was nor will it ever get back there but I feel like it’s not all lost… I mean he is about to have a fucking baby with someone else…

Um so yeah, I don’t really understand TikTok, I’m old, but I have it, I get addicted to watching shit on there sometimes for hours, other times I forget about it for weeks… But it’s a period of time where I am watching it a lot. M8’s ex girlfriend – if we can call her that, lets call her his most recent baby mumma, keeps coming up on my TikTok as a ‘for you’ video… WTF?!

I am not usually the type to stalk – as you know, this isn’t the first time she’s come up but I watch this new video which is a filter of a old photo, scanning a circle over a recent photo, so it’s one of her pregnant & one of her not pregnant, I click on the comments & M8, along with other creepy looking dudes have commented, M8’s comment it “still taste the same” which he wrote on the Sunday that he was messaging me… FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!

I look though some of her other videos, because I am now down this rabbit hole & he hardly has commented on anything of hers, even all the videos that he’s in when they were together or the ones of her crying after they broke up… She mainly has stupid dance videos & her in lingerie asking if she’s sexy, of course there are comments galore from weirdos (or perhaps people she knows?). However now all the recent videos, have an kissing face emoji from M8… URGH! This is why I don’t stalk, FFS! It’s not good for my mental health… Well at least I know what happened with this one! Even if he still messages me. I’m not your fucking back up plan!

Needless to say I found another electrician, to do the towel rails that M8 just seemed to refuse to do… I will see what else happens with this guy though – something fucking stupid inside me tells me not to write him off just yet, I do have a lot of other electrician work that has reared its ugly head with this reno, so I may be able to get him to do some for me at a cheaper price!

A couple of days later our mutual friend asks me if I’ve heard from him, I say sporadically & she says that his pregnant ex has put his car up as her profile picture & is now in a relationship on FB – he’s not on FB. So at least it’s confirmed that I don’t need to wonder what happened here… But fuck it still is fucking hard… I mean, he fucked me a week before getting back together with her – that doesn’t make me feel good. I mean he saw me naked & then went right back to his 19 year old pregnant girlfriend that he’s broken up with twice… I mean I must be so fucking hideous. I mean his GF has a hot body – even pregnant, but she’s a young attention seeker (lingerie on tiktok all the time) & has braces, short brown hair, she’s super skinny… I am not, no matter how hard I try, I am always fat… I never move from this weight, while everyone around me does & gets boyfriends. I am just gonna eat whatever & get fat again. What’s the point of all this effort?!

I think this one’s kind of hit me hard & I feel so badly about, was because it happened when I least expected it, I genuinely didn’t even think about this guy in any sort of way at all – except as my electrician… I was expecting him to come over, do my electrical work & go away. I wasn’t expecting him to hang out & take me out for lunches, actually wanting to spend time with me. Telling our mutual friend how much we’ve got in common & telling me all the time how funny I am, how he likes hanging out with me… I guess it just took me by surprise that he was actually interested in me & I wasn’t expecting it or wanting it. But I felt so comfortable with this guy, more comfortable than I’ve felt in a long time… I mean he met me when I was like looking like a bridge troll & he still wanted to hang out with me…

But I guess the 19 days (yes, shortest infatuation ever!) it took since he came over to have a look at the job for me, to when we had sex, I was played… I was played like a fucking fiddle! I should have known better, I should have stepped away, I should have left it as a kiss… I shouldn’t have even let it get to a kiss… FUCK!

#IBD4U

2022 : M8 #4

I have instant disappointment. Fuck. I lay there unable to move with my hands over my face, willing my legs to move. He asks if I’m ok, I say I am, because I am, I just realise what a fucking mistake I’ve just made. I don’t regret it, I never regret anything, it’s the choice I made in the moment, but I wish now that I had of resisted! This is fucked. I hate this feeling… How do other women fuck a guy & end up being in a relationship with them, I do it & they run away before I can even stand up… Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I get up & get dressed, even though I can barely move my legs. I’m feeling like a fuckwit. An actual fucking idiot. I was played, by a guy I genuinely didn’t think would play me. Fuck, I’m so stupid. Like this is the most stupid I’ve ever been… Why would I think this guy wouldn’t play me?! After everything I’ve been though, how could I think this multiple red flag dude wouldn’t play me. Maybe because our friend also bought into the fact that he was keen…. FUCK. Anyway he hugs me goodbye at the door, it’s not a brief hug, it lingers but it reeks of I got what I wanted & he leaves literally less than 2 minutes after he came. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I am stripping my bed of my soaked quilt cover from my squirting all over the place, when there is a knock at my door… I am shocked to find M8 standing there, looking all casual & cute, a million things go through my mind about what he’s doing back here. Maybe he’s feeling guilty, maybe he wants to make sure I’m alright, maybe he decides he wants to stay. This could be my rom com moment – when the guy leaves but then comes back because he realises that he’s made a mistake.. NOPE! He comes back because his car won’t start & he says that his car battery is flat & asks me to help him push it out of my driveway. You’ve got to be kidding me right? Only my fucking life would rub the salt in the wounds… I do, of course, push the car out to the road but as soon as it’s on the road, I go inside… That is just the perfect ending to this fucking shit story! You fucking wanker #IBD4U.

To my surprise, though he messages me shortly after leaving asking me something about the clothes line, to continue the banter. I laugh thinking maybe it wasn’t a mistake? He is still keen on the banter, on talking to me, on messaging me… Or is this part of the charm?! He says he got the stuff for the rest of my job too. I don’t reply because I am at my little business… But just as I am finishing up, I get a message “hey hey.” I apologise for not replying to either message then we have back & forth banter until I fall asleep at 11:00pm. I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t come over for round 2, or why he was in such a rush to get out of my house… Especially since he lives with his parents…

J-Lo has an opinion of course, I mean I don’t think anyone is going to be worthy of me in his eyes, if I think about it, but I still go to him for advice. But he seems to think that M8 is heavily into drugs… Now I’m not innocent, so I can pick up the vibes that someone is acting weird, but there is no weirdness here… Also our mutual friend is an ex addict & her ex is still fucked so she’s very anti drug, so I don’t think she’d be friends with someone heavily into hard drugs… I’m sure he smokes weed, most guys do it, especially those guys into cars.

But when I send a picture of his car to J-Lo, it sets him off… J-Lo is even more convinced he got fired from his $150k FIFO job because he’s on drugs & he has a druggie car… Whatever that means… He’s like no one quits those type of jobs to live with their parents… So I ask our mutual friend & she says that he’d just had enough of it & has a casual job here but because he used to earn so much money, that’s what he wants to be paid here in Adelaide & he so he’s just doing casual work. I genuinely don’t get the drug (or hard drugs on the regular) vibe from him.

I had told M8 I’ll be home around 11am on the Tuesday, to finish off… When he doesn’t say if he’s coming or not, I wonder if I am supposed to message him or if he’s just going to ghost me but as I’m preparing my smoothies for the week, he just appears at my door. No kiss hello. No hug. No touch. So I guess that’s it, it was just sex for him, he got what he wanted, there will be no dinner dates, I guess… I just go about making my smoothies & let him do what he needs to do. He’s so fast. Like if he worked this fast when he started the job, he would have done the job in about 4-6 hours. Instead this is day 4. He’s only there 2 hours saying he’s got to get shit done before he goes away tomorrow…

There is a bit of banter but my boss sends me a weird email which throws me off my good mood axis at work. I struggle with a lot of comments at work due to my previous work experience, as you would expect, I have a PTSD of sorts from all the bullying & bullshit! So this reply from her telling me I didn’t provide constructive feedback, makes me think, well neither is your feedback… Anyway I sulk, this thing I built up in my head with this guy isn’t going to be what I’d started to hope & work is so up & down…

When he leaves, there is a bit of long hug, which hurts my neck again & I don’t hear from him again. No text. No snapchats. Yeah well done #IBD4U. I guess if he never talks to me again, I won’t have to pay him… Fuck. I’m actually a bit cut up about this one though. My usual practice is to ignore them & they go away, I let this happen with Eastwood, I let this happen with pretty much every guy. So I decide I am not going to let it just go, I text him & I ask him why today was so awkward. I also have a snapchat story which he looks at almost instantly but then he finally replies to my text 2 hours later saying that today wasn’t awkward, he just had shit to do. I decide to leave it. I understand the brush off, I’m not a fool… I am never good at the chase & clearly no one ever wants to chase me. Another one bites the dust I guess.

The next day I get a text “why so quiet” which makes me smile when I see it on my watch… Wanker. I say that I am not quiet & just try to get back to the banter & chats that we had before we had sex. This is fixable. But the chat is strained & sporadic. He doesn’t reply to a lot of the questions I ask like how’s work going or where is he. – knowing he’s away in the sticks for work but not sure where… He also says he’s been busy or that he was driving… Yeah right! He fucking text & snapped me while driving when it suited him… On the weekend we send snaps consistently as I’m building my now tool bench then nothing. Crickets.

But then I get texts like hey hey. The next day the same, snaps full on for a bit then nothing. Later that might I get a text “good day out“. I ask is that a statement or a question, he says both but he doesn’t try at all to converse with me at all, it’s gone from multiple sentences per texts to one word statements. Whatever… I knew it was stupid of my to get my hopes up with this one or anyone…

One Sunday night, we’re chatting, I say I’m in the bath, a clear invite for some cheeky chatter with a boy, right?! But he says he needs to send me his bank details, which he does, I pay & the conversation doesn’t go further. He looks at the snaps I send but doesn’t reply, leaving me on read. But then sends a sunrise pic the next morning. I reply but don’t get one back. Our mutual friend says he’s doing the same with her. Maybe things will be different when he gets home… But it is his birthday on the Saturday & Fathers Day on Sunday (which he hates cos he can’t see his kids due to the witch – she’s an actual witch apparently selling sage & doing spells!) He did quit his FIFO job because he hated being away so maybe this trip away is just getting him down. I know I am a bit different when travelling. Marvel always said so, that I was different when I was away for work, maybe it changes a person? Or maybe I’m an idiot.

#IBD4U

2022 : Plumber #1, #2 & #3

So I have fucked up – Majorly!

Foodland #1 & Foodland #2 are not written about the same man! FUCK! I genuinely have no idea who Foodland #1 is to be really honest with you, but he was someone I worked with at Foodland obviously but I can’t even picture who it is in my head reading back on it & at which Foodland, being I worked at a few. But the guy I wrote about in Foodland #2 – is a different guy that we need to discuss now! I never worked with him but he was friends with everyone I worked with at a different Foodland, because he went to school with all my friends… So what the fuck, you don’t know the story of Foodland #2 part one, so I need to go back in time & remember… So from now on, he will be called Plumber. (Are you confused?!)

Fuck, I’m confused! This is confusing. So forget about Foodland #1 – he is a stand alone story that never should’ve had a #2. However, Plumber is in the story for Foodland #2. It was the second time I dated Plumber, it was exactly as outlined in Foodland #2. However lets revisit what actually happened the first time I dated Plumber. I don’t recall a lot of it – obviously, I forgot to write about the poor bloke & I’ve dated him twice – including having sex with him! So it’s not going to be a in-depth story, but I’ll piece it together for you & give you an overview so we can get on with this story. It’s important I right this wrong, because – Spoiler Alert, there is more to this story!

So I assume I meet Plumber online (7 years ago in real time!) I can’t really remember where we start chatting or how but we worked out how we knew each other, from around Foodland (Which is why I thought he was Foodland #1). Because I know of him, or he knows people I know, I assume that he’s not some sort of serial killer or whatever, so I invite him over to my house. We watch a movie that I already had on – otherwise I make them pick the movies because I don’t want them to be sitting there hating what we’re watching.

I remember I was tipsy & it’s why I don’t recall much of this. But usually after I date someone, I write some notes. I had nothing on this guy… I know we have sex & he gets up to go right after & ghosts me. Yep they old “I-got-what-I-wanted-so-bye” trick. I think we do talk again a few years later online but he ghosts me shortly after, we didn’t meet up that time though. I don’t remember the ins & outs.

In the last 7 years I have matched with him 3 times. So the first time when we had sex, another time when we just chatted online & via text, I think this is when he tried to add me on FB but I never accepted, he was sporadic with his texts & we never met at that 2nd encounter. It basically dwindles & we just stop talking. Then about 2 years ago the Foodland #2 story happened & he’s followed me on Snapchat ever since, just like Motocross did till he deleted me & like every other guy I add has… They don’t chat to you, they just watch you story, mildly stalking you.

So onto what should be part #3 for this guy – Plumber. I don’t know how we started chatting again but we do – I’m not online, so I think he just starts replying to my snapchat stories & I engage in some light conversation, he has a girlfriend (not that he tells me that, she’s on his FB profile – his request is still in my FB notifications) & so I take every opportunity to remind him. We also talk about what the fuck happened, both times we’ve dated. So he’s recently told me that the first time – at my house, I basically wasn’t affectionate enough & that’s how he knows his prospective partner is interested in him. The second time, the movie date where he famously made me hold his hand even though I didn’t want to – probably part of the affection thing too – he tells me that he thought I would never let the first time (him ghosting me after sex) go because I kept bringing it up & giving him shit about it so he thought I would never have sex wit him again. RIGHT.

He also tells me that he wasn’t in a great head space when we went to the movies but I call bullshit because he got a girlfriend 5 months later, who he is still with right now, 2 years later! So yeah, that doesn’t make me feel fucking good at all! So very interesting though – his idea of what happened, I genuinely thought we were having a laugh the night at the movies when I kept joking that I wasn’t going to sleep with him because I didn’t want him to ghost me again. In his mind, he’s thinking I am not into him because I won’t hold his hand & I keep bringing up the past. Then when he does ghost me the next day, for me, I am proven right & then validated as to why I didn’t fuck him & that he is just after one thing…

Interesting how he can tease me all the time about not remembering the night we met the first time. I mean it was 7 years ago & I was tipsy, so of course I don’t remember. So he makes jokes & teases me, reminding me, sharing tidbits about the night. About what I was wearing, about how we had sex, like what positions etc. But I am going to get upset that he is having banter with me? No, because it’s funny. So why the fuck was he so sensitive about me doing the same thing to him?! Plumber tells me he remembers that we watched some British movie. (I must’ve been more than tipsy!) He also tells me that I fell asleep on him.. Did I really?! I don’t just usually fall asleep unless I’m super drunk, which means I probably was & he just left! Oh what a gentleman! I wish I wrote notes about this date, it probably would have saved me some trouble!

So as part of this renovation, I want to move my hot water unit & of course Plumber has offered to do it… When he comes over to have a look, I can’t put my finger on it… I don’t think he’s the type to take drugs but maybe he’s nervous, his sort of grinding his jaw & won’t look me in the eye… He has a look at the job & then tells me I have a gas leak. Well fuck. I actually smelt gas this morning actually, which I just tried to ignore, he says that he can re-pipe the house, that he’ll work out the price & text me. The price is only $600 or so, so I get him to re-pipe the house. He drops off the copper pipe on Friday morning at almost 6:00 am – I am actually on my way to the gym & dive past him then see him on my cameras. He messages me & I reply when I’m at the gym, saying I drove past him & he says that he was hoping to catch me in bed. What the actual fuck?! I ask what he would do & he asks if I want to know of can he just do it. I say that he’s confusing but he says that I am. I ask him what he would do if I said I’d left the door unlocked for him & he doesn’t reply!

He comes back the next day when I am at the gym to start the job & I then have clients so I am in & out all day. He is the same, jaw grinding sort of look, won’t look me in the eyes. I just don’t see him as the drug taking type of guy & it’s like 9:00am on a Saturday! He messages me while I am out if he can have a drink – he’s obviously already looked in my fridge. I don’t mind this either but it’s a bit weird… I come home & he is walking around trying to get the hot water service to work… but it won’t. I notice when he’s fixing my heater & the oven that he’s wearing a wedding ring – well in 2 years he’s fucking married her!? Jesus…

Plumber also uses my toilet without asking (not a big deal, as if I would say no, but very familiar) He even calls someone to get help with the hot water service. I have no hot water & that night I go to my sisters kicking myself for moving this hot water service! He comes back Sunday & his demeanour is the same. He spends ages trying to get the hot water service to work before he comes inside & says “Do you know that hot water service is 17 years old?”

Fuck so he has broken my perfectly good hot water service & now I have to go buy another one, which he doesn’t help me with at all… I run around on Monday morning getting one & dropping it home, thinking he’ll be there right after work, usually on snapchat he’s knocking off around 4:00 pm, I won’t be home so I race around to get it home so he can get it in & I text him. I get home around 6:00 pm & have not hot water service. FFS. I type out a passive aggressive text & don’t hit send. I just get dinner & sit there thinking about what I should do when Moody Plumber arrives. Barely says hello, stomps around putting in the new hot water service, saying how tired he is & being all snippy. I just stay out of his way thinking I didn’t ask for this, he offered & he assured me when I said I bet the hot water service will die that it wouldn’t! He fixes the new one & leaves in a huff – like it was my fault.

A few days later he replies to a snapchat story & he chat for a bit, he says something about being horny or something & I say that I’m always horny & he he says that he should’ve just done what he wanted to, to me on the weekend… I remind him that he is married, he tells me that he wears a ring but is not married… Um, yeah sure. Women do that, but never heard of a dude wearing a wedding ring without being married… We have these frustrating conversations, him trying to be flirty talking about how compatible we are sexually so I decide that I am going to call his bluff… I am feeling horny so I just write back “Come over & fuck me.” He doesn’t read it for over 24 hours & then when he does, he never replies.

Now this would normally be a cliff hanger, but to be honest, he’s not worth another post… When he does reply, I try my hardest not to message back but seriously I have a problem! Why can’t I just ignore them… Finally after asking him some plumbing advice, which he never reads but looks at my story, I delete the messages & move on with my life. I will find a plumber elsewhere… How fucking annoying!

Weeks later, he messages me Christmas day (2022) & asks if I had a good day… I fight so hard not to write back. & I bloody did it!!! Hahaha… You’ll see why soon!

#IBD4U