Noodle #18

On Sunday morning Noodle is sneaking into my bed at 7:00 am after not having fucked me since Monday morning! I am horny as fuck & have missed seeing him, not only because I want to fuck him, but I do miss seeing him & having him touch me… I have missed his touch, his lips, his hands, even seeing his face. Not often does Noodle send me a face pic. Usually his dick or something random at his house, but I also want to touch him, feel his skin under my touch too… I miss that! But most of all, I hate that my vagina thinks for me with him, I want to be angry & ignore him… But I am so wet that he slides into me slowly but sweetly & I am cumming so fucking easily… This is just ridiculous! I hate that I have become this person, that I am so easily turned on by him that I can’t stay angry at him… FUCK… I wonder if it’d be like this if we were a couple! No, I must not think like that!

On Tuesday night, we’re back to our usual evening fuck! He is working at a store close by but is working later than usual so he comes to my house later. I am able to keep going to the gym then shower & wait for him. He comes over; I am in bed waiting for him, with the door unlocked. I can’t wait for him to fuck me again. We are kissing so hard as he just fucks me missionary style, seems boring, but fucks me he was hitting all the right places with me… I feel like I am going to cum the whole time, his cock gets me going so easily, I didn’t even know that it could ever feel like this… I feel like I’m going to explode. As he’s fucking me, he sucks my nipples hard or kisses me so deeply, almost so I can’t breathe, this feels so good tonight, why is he able to keep me on the edge by fucking me without cumming? Noodle is literally is the best sex I’ve ever had, even Boyfriend. I don’t look away or close my eyes when he looks at me anymore, we actually look at each other, he used to not look at me either, he’d look away when I look at him & I’d look away when he looks at me – we’re so fucking weird, but maybe it’s a way of protecting ourselves. But now our eyes lock, I look at him & he looks at me, I can see deep in his eyes & I know he can see what I’m thinking on my face, I have no poker face, I have a very expressive face. I feel so vulnerable in this moments when this happens but I can’t help but feel so close to him, I don’t know what this feeling is, I’ve never had it before. What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Or if it just that we’re comfortable with each other? When he breaks eye contact, he keeps fucking me, but then works his mouth all the way down to my nipples to suck them hard, while my arms are pinned above my head (seriously my favourite move), I try to move up the bed to get away from this sweet torture, but I am cumming so loudly, without warning & for a long time that I don’t think it’s ever going to stop! Afterwards he chuckles like a douche, so super proud of himself that he’s made me cum, especially without much clit stimulation, that I tell him to shut up, but he just chuckles more & runs his hands all over me as we lay there. I’m not a huggy person, but fuck I am wrapped around him, it’s not often we get to hug after sex, usually he’s jumping up to leave, but I cherish the times we get to cuddle afterwards. After sex like that – where we connected, I really need to cuddle & almost don’t want to break the spell.

This week has been shit, Noodle did an update on his iPhone, which caused him to not be able to fake his location anymore – this means it’ll be harder to see him, so he’s not been able too on his days off. It’s almost like Apple doesn’t support cheating?! Hahaha… I mean I don’t, this is fucked. I would die if someone cheated on me, but I can’t stop this! We’ve had some great text sex, sent videos & pictures but I hate that he can’t see me because he is tracked on his mobile. So it’s almost a week later, before Noodle is seeing me again, it’s Monday Morning, he’s had the weekend off… The virtual play has been fun, but I want him so badly. We seem to only fuck at my house… For obvious reasons we can’t fuck at his, but I do wonder what his house looks like. From pictures he sends of himself in the mirror or of his kitchen, I can tell he’s not a tidy person & assuming his family isn’t either. I can tell we’re very different people, but also very similar. I come from a family of hoarders, so I am completely the opposite, I live in a house with hardly any nick nacks, with not a lot of furniture. I know he’s a bit of a hoarder, he’s told me that, I reckon he’d have furniture in against every wall with shit all over it, book shelves with books, CD’s & DVD’s that no one uses anymore. But I can just imagine it. I wonder if I’ll ever get to see his house? Ooooh, that’s not a good idea… Why am I thinking that?! Why do I keep thinking these things.

So this changes things a little. I am thinking Noodle won’t be able to see me much now that he can’t fake his location. I’m also thinking he’ll back off here too, this is a perfect opportunity to get out of this… I have tried in my head, a million times, to end it, I don’t know how too, I also don’t want too… Stupidly, I am too involved now, just like Jack Dawson on the Titanic, ‘You jump, I jump’ Fuck, this is not good! Hang on? Didn’t I say my heart was closed? I am not wanting anything but what all these men have to offer? How the fuck did I end up being monogamous to a guy in a relationship (who ironically isn’t monogamous to me!), with my walls rapidly coming down without me even realising?! FUCK.

But it doesn’t change anything, the next night, it’s our usual Tuesday night rendezvous & Noodle is on the way to my house. I don’t know what he does about his phone or what he does to hide where he is. I hope his partner never finds out that he’s at my house! Or where I live, can you imagine what will happen if she knew? This will never end well, why am I still seeing this guy? & seriously, I am not seeing anyone else – this is not wise, I’m barely talking other people because Noodle gets jealous about it – also fucking stupid. Why do I care that Noodle get jealous & why do I go to great lengths to make sure he isn’t jealous & boost his ego? Maybe because I know what he’s been through? Or am I falling for this guy? NO, my heart is closed, remember!Noodle Courage stupitity.pngI honestly never ask him what he does to fake his location, perhaps I should but I don’t. Sometimes he tells me but I don’t really care about the lengths he has to go to, to be with me, that’s his problem. So he’s at my house, I’m naked (what a surprise! Sorry to all of you picturing me naked all the time! Hahaha) We talk & kiss as I undress him, he’s told me that he likes when I undress him… I guess that’s something people miss as a couple, you don’t really undress each other, I remember with Boyfriend, we always had sex when we were already in bed, usually when I wanted it, I went to bed naked, so he knew & when Boyfriend wanted it, he’d just start rubbing my side, spooning me… I don’t really remember ever undressing Boyfriend to be honest, even in the beginning, so the fact that Noodle likes it, reminds me of things I need to do when I get a partner to keep the spark alive.

Noodle & I kiss the whole time I am undressing him, him rubbing my ass, always telling me I have a nice ass, he’s told me before it’s better than his partners & that he loves my ass (those squats are paying off!), well the poor woman has had a kid & is pregnant & doesn’t gym 3-4 times a week like I do, so I hope I’d have a better ass than her, even if I am 5 years older. We move to the bed, he goes down on me which is absolutely amazing & he knows what to do now, I don’t have to guide him at all… Then once he is inside me, I am on the edge, my legs are wrapped around him, my arms around his head pulling him close, I can’t seem to get him close enough, I can’t get him in me enough, I know he notices because the look on his face is him struggling not to cum, I am close but can’t seem to get there, I am too busy pulling him as close as I can to me. I am kissing him & holding on to him so tightly with everything I have that I can’t control myself, I cum really hard & he follows me quickly. It’s almost a relief for him.

Later he tells me “Your body reacted so well to missionary tonight.” I tell him that I have no idea why or what that was about, when he says “Your body was gripping me like a vice” I tell him that something was different tonight & that I couldn’t help but feel his pelvic area was hitting me in the right spot. I have no idea what happened, he doesn’t either… All I know is that it was fucking amazing! How does it keep getting better?!



Sexual Harrassment

There comes a time in everybody’s working life (sadly – because this type of shit shouldn’t ever happen to anyone) when you are sexually harassed in the line of your work. Now, I never thought it would happen to me or so subtly that I would actually be flattered by it & not offended… I mean how does that even happpen… But when I told Noodle about it, not only did he get supremely jealous, he was also the one that pointed out that I had just sexually harassed. OMG! As if I needed someone to point that out to me! Who have I become…? Is this what online dating has done to me? After all the unsolicited cock shots – which is the equivalent of someone flashing you in a park, perhaps in a trench coat & all sexual innuendos from men online over the last 12 years, am I so desensitised that I am ok with a guy sexually harassing me via text at work, on my work phone? Why didn’t I realise that this guy was actually being a creep to me!? I guess I am lucky he didn’t try to find me in Facebook or some other stalker method. At least he used the only way he had to contact me.

So to give you some background… In my job I work with lots of diverse people, I often am contacting people via text, emails calls & faxes (yes people sill use faxes!). I work closely with a guy, who is about my age & from New Zealand. He literally has the best eyes in the world – they are bright blue piercing eyes & he is quite attractive, I won’t deny that, but he is such a bogan but he is a nice guy who means well. He also looks you directly in the eye when he talks, it’s hard to look away but it can be unsettling for me! We also have some banter about Dave Hughes (an Aussie comedian) & how he says “Good on you” all the time… This guy & I say it all the time & laugh, it’s kind of flirty, I’ll give him that, I do engage in it… I probably would consider dating him too, if things were different for both of us, like if we’re both single & we met in a pub or online…

I actually see this group of people every month for meetings & he’s never text me ever, in the 3 or 4 years that we’ve been working together. So when I start getting texts from him, I do wonder why he’s messaging me, I mean he’s never replied to a text I’ve sent him, ever. It is a bit weird, I mean I am pretty sure that he still has a Nokia 5110 that you have to click the number buttons 2-3 times to get a letter. Which probably explains his terrible spelling…

This is the exact text exchange with a few minor changes to protect our identities (obviously). His messages are in blue & mine in black.

Not my usual style to post exact exchanges like this, but I think it’s part of weird things that happen to me as a single woman, that never seems to happen to anyone else. Hahaha.

Hi hows arvo bn goin?. tht guy is prety good ae we shud try get him to come to all our meetings frm now on

Yeah & from what the other guy was saying he probably should be in them. so when we look at the agenda for the meetings, we can work out who should be there.

Yeah i think he shud be nd yes tht definitly a good idea as he is a lot more clearer thn the othr guy is lol..nd jst of th subject n no ofence whn i say this n its not bad but i cnt look at u in th same way anymore lol

I agree. I’ll dig out the agenda for next months meeting.

I hope I haven’t done anything to cause that.

Tht sounds like a plan to me…haha na u hvnt its mre embaressing thn anything lol

I hope I didn’t embarrass you by anything I did.

No its nothing uve done il tel u bt im already gtn bit embarest lol

Nd u cnt hate me fr teln u either lol bt lets jst say tht i had a very sexual dream about u im nt goin into details bt ws a good dream lol so whn i saw u today i instantly felt a lil embarest haha n cudnt look at u in same way lol

Thanks for telling me.
I hope this doesn’t affect us working together.

No probs i think lol ,but na its defnitly nt gona effect us wrking togethr,unles its changed ure view n thoughts of me n think im sum creep sicko lol?.

No, I don’t think you’re a creep. It’s all good.

Thts good thn,thnx..wht u upto fr rest of ure nite gt much planed?

No ofence but if things were diferent i wud ask n see if u wanted to out fr a drink anyway u hve a goodnite

Just off to the gym, if I ever leave the office. No offence taken. Things are as they are. Have a good one.

Oh wow u stil at th ofice wrking?,good on you lol.good tht ure not ofended .thn mby one day il ask u fr a drink thn anyway lol.will do u to hve a good one.

Sexual Harrassment.png
Reading back on this, years later, I actually can’t believe that I wrote back “Thanks for telling me” I mean WTF?! WHO AM I? & as if I said that he wasn’t a creep! This is seriously creep level… It’s one thing to have a dream about someone, but you don’t need to fucking tell them about it… Is this like Stockholm syndrome? Not wanting him to get into trouble for sending me these texts?

I talked to 2 of my bosses about it, showing them to text exchange & asking what I should do. They both just sort of laughed when they read it & said I did the right thing, but seriously, why wasn’t something done about this? Why didn’t I do something about this? What should I have done about this…?

After this, I kept working at the site but we never spoke of it again… I kind of forgot about it, pushing it to the back of my mind because I still had to be professional & I was never going to act on it. He text me a few times after that, to see how I was, but that was about it. Thankfully. I get moved off this site & don’t ever see him again, which I am thankful for. But who knows what the future holds!

He has a partner, I have a Noodle – who got jealous about this when I showed him… Not that Noodle ever has a reason to be jealous with me, but he seems to get jealous a lot!

But really… This is just one of those weird things that always seem to happen to me!


Noodle #17

So Noodle is back at work & the first day back, guess what, he’s at my house, fucking me! He’s working at a store about 10 minutes from me, but only for a few weeks then he’ll be moving to a store far away from me for a few weeks till they find him a store but we’re not sure which store. He says it’ll still be southern, I suggest my local store but that’s when he tells me that’s where she works….. Are you fucking kidding me dude…. He knows I shop there!! Why would he wait this long to tell me… What a fucking idiot! Time to change stores…

I hope that his permanent store is still close within a lunch break drive away or something will have to change, I guess. I don’t want it too, as much as I want to be with this guy (Errr, where did that come from!?) I am worried what it would be like for us if we were together. I do have a little fantasy of being with him all night, spending the whole night, sleeping in his arms… UM WHAT? I am not a cuddly sleeper, but fuck I want to be in this mans arms all night! To wake up next to him, would be a dream come true… I kind of wonder if he snores or how he sleeps, would he be a cuddly sleeper or would he want his own side of the bed? Would we wake up to have sex in the middle of the night? Or would we just be boring & sleep… I guess we would if we slept together every night, eventually…. Or would I want to fuck him every day for the rest of my life… What the actual fuck… I thought I didn’t want a boyfriend, my heart was closed?! But I can’t help but wonder if there is ever going to be a time when we can do this? I really don’t ever want to tell him about this fantasy… I mean he’ll probably freak out… I am in way too deep to freak him out at this point!

The Monday morning, we are in my bed when we end up in front of my mirror with me on my knees sucking his cock again, while he videos it, of course… I love how much we video & take pictures of us. It’s super-hot. It’s also hotter how much more dominant Noodle is with me too… It took him a while to get there, mainly because he has this fear of looking like an idiot in front of people & I know that he thinks I am this very experienced kinkster that he didn’t feel comfortable with me. Now it’s been almost 2 months since I fucked another guy & he knows that… That fact, I know makes him happy – I know he has relaxed with me a lot more! I have relaxed with him a lot more too… I’m too fucking relaxed, I am not really thinking of a future, which scares me, but I’m also not thinking of the day this ends… This will not end well for me, men never leave their partners especially when they have kids. I need to disconnect.

I am always telling Noodle about a fantasy or two that I’ve thought up, I am constantly thinking of stuff, I mean just read my Erotica series to know how my mind works. I do start to worry though that Noodle doesn’t ever ask for anything, like he tells me he wants me, but I am always suggesting things we should do, how he should tie me up & stuff, when Noodle says ‘You pretty much blow me away with the shit you ask for. Your super kinky & make my fantasies come true without me even having to ask.’ I guess I need to stop worrying about it, but I want him to suggest things he wants to do, but I guess I beat him to it? He tells me “Ummm, you think any chick will let me fuck their ass? Cum on their tits? Walk in on them using a vibe on the pool table? Let me tie them up & have my way with them? Your fucking amazing & fucking hot. & Even our vanilla sex is like something out of a movie. I do not have low standards. Your just sexy af. & you do more than just lie there… you suggest some pretty hot stuff… moan.. kiss me… suck me… touch me…” Ok wow, when he puts it like that, I guess I am pretty good in bed?! Hahaha… But it also makes me wonder, but not ask him, does his partner not touch or moan with him? I mean I guess she’s recently stopped kissing him & she’s never cum with him, so perhaps she doesn’t moan or touch him… I have no control over it… I find him too sexy to stop.

During the week, Noodle suggests coming over in the morning because he can’t come over this Tuesday night as it’s his first night at this new store. Fair enough, so a morning visit is a our usual compromise. As he goes to sleep that night he doesn’t confirm that he’ll come over, but I wake up early at like 5:30 am in case he does, I lay there for ages getting more & more pissed off… I don’t hear from him & I am fucking pissed! I don’t know why I message him first, is it my turn or do I just want him to know I am awake at 6:30 am waiting for him to come over.

“Morning ass face” The longer it takes him to reply, the more angry I get… What the fuck is wrong with me?!

“Morning Gina Face, Joking” I seethe…

“I’m not joking”

“What did I do?” He asks

“You did nothing. That’s the point!! You were supposed to do something… but anyway”

“Oooh was I defiantly (yes he spells it wrong all the time!) meant to fuck you this morning? You said you had to get to work on time & was busy, wasn’t sure you were still keen.”

“Yeah Douche, you were. If you remember correctly, I said I’m free but need to make sure I leave on time & I believe I even said 8:15 – 8:30 at the latest.” He never stays that late anyway, as he has to be at work by 8:00 am usually, so don’t know why he thought me leaving on time was a problem.

“Oh whoops, sorry. Your poor pussy needed a fuck this morning.” I calm down a little bit… but I’m still angry… I get so angry when I don’t get sex & I thought I was going too… He doesn’t really know this yet, this is probably the first time that I am really pissed with him.

“All good, I figured last night you weren’t coming, so I sorted myself out & am home now sorting myself out.” Hopefully that thought makes him hard! I have made myself cum several times this morning & when I got home from work.

“Hahaha, of course you will… You could of just asked me to come over last night to fuck you”

“Yeah maybe, it was your suggestion… Assumed if you wanted to, you’d confirm” This is our problem, I hate asking him over & I never ask… I don’t want him to say no.

“Well I did want too but also wanted sleep” Are you kidding me, what guy wants sleep over fucking their mistress? Makes me think that his partner fucked him so he didn’t need me… FUCK!

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“Pretty sure you said in the group several times sleep is overrated… you hate sleep, waste of time”

“I do hate sleep. Doesn’t mean I don’t need it” Who hates sleep? I guess someone with a partner who sleeps 15 hours a day, you’d resent it. I snap & I am aware I am being a bitch…

“Jesus, I’m even further down the priority list than I thought. I’m off to the gym to burn off some excess energy. Chat you later if I’m not interrupting your precious sleep”

“Hahaha na your above sleep, but I struggled getting up this morning so bad! Now now don’t get bitchy” I go to the gym for an hour & ignore him for a change! Fuck you Noodle, see how it feels when I ignore you. After the gym, I finally reply to him…

“Sex only once a week makes me bitchy” He’s offline, of course, so I wait for his response, which pisses me off more.

“Hahaha does it? So I have to fuck you twice a week minimum eh?”

“No you don’t ‘have’ to fuck me at all” Fuck, I don’t want him to think he has to fuck me…

“Stop you getting all bitchy? I actually thought I had seen you twice this week”

“You don’t have to see me twice a week.”

“Haha, I don’t have to see you at all… But I do enjoy fucking you for some reason”

“No you don’t. Hmmmm, not as much as sleeping, apparently!”

“OMG I’ve been up to like 1 am like every night chatting to you this week”

“You don’t have too, you know. I don’t want to be an obligation for you” I remember Max telling me that he didn’t want me to be an obligation but kind of implied that I was making our relationship an obligation for him. It made me feel like shit when he said it, when all I wanted was to know was when he’d make time for me & I don’t want Noodle to think that he has to do anything, just because we made that stupid agreement.

“Your not an obligation you twat“

“Well… Hmmm… Yeah, I don’t want that” I’m actually a little cut from this… I don’t want to be an obligation to him, I want him to want to see me.

“I want to fuck you just as much as you wanna fuck me don’t forget”

“But to get that, you don’t have to chat to me till 1 am” He doesn’t need to talk to me to get sex, I guess.

“I don’t? Yaye… Hahaha, you’re not an obligation, stop going all weird… You shitty?”

“Only cos I was horny & thought I was getting sex this morning” I hate that I’m like this sometimes…

“Oh I see… Sorry” I bet he’s not actually sorry, I know him, so I ask

“Are you actually even sorry?”

“Not really, I feel a tiny bit bad for getting you excited & not following thru I guess. Guess I better fuck you soon.”

“Douche. Not following though is my biggest pet hate.” He agrees that he should’ve said something, but I am so surprised that he is still talking to me after that… Fuck I’m am actual bitch! I could’ve also said something…! But I’m too stubborn… Although, all I’m asking from this guy & even Max is for them to message me & fuck me regularly… I don’t think that’s too much to ask… Maybe this is why I am single?


Profile Picture

One very odd thing about online dating is what people think is appropriate for their online dating profile pictures. I know I’ve talked about online profiles before but this blog will be profile picture specific… (When I started writing this post, I didn’t think I’d have much to say, but boy was I wrong!)

As I’ve said before this is your time to shine, your time to show women or men what you look like, who you are via pictures & if they want to swipe on you or not. Why waste this opportunity with a shit picture?!

However, in my experience, on the many occasions I have been online dating, I am still perplexed about men’s choices of profile pictures, I don’t look at women’s profiles so I can’t comment – but I’m sure there is a female equivalent to this blog, things men hate… It any guy wants to send me their thoughts, please do! I’m happy to hear if I am also doing something wrong!


So, I want to ask. Why do men put up weird photos? Unflattering photos or really unsexy photos?! The most common unsexy one for me is them on a boat, looking proud as punch with a giant fish, that they’ve clearly just caught… Let me tell you something guys, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, sexy about a fish!!! They’re slimey, they’re cold & wet & do you know what? They aren’t cuddly or cute… They’re so unattractive, I just don’t get what message you’re trying to send a chick? Is it a that you’re a mans man? Or that you’re a hunter & gatherer? You will provide for her? I just think, ewww, every time I see one, especially if there is blood on the poor fish! I’d say probably one in every ten profiles contain a fishing charter photo of some sort.

My biggest pet hate for online profiles pictures is a picture with a kid… Especially when they note in their profile bio that the kid is not theirs… WHY! I hate it because I don’t think anyone should put kids on an online dating site… Its weird. So many internet creeps out there, do we really need to expose kids to that when they can’t consent to their picture being shared? Secondly, as someone who doesn’t want kids of my own, I don’t like to see someone that I’m attracted too, with a kid who’s not theirs, because it tells me that they want them, regardless of what they say. However, I do prefer a man with children, so I do want to know that they have kids, but I don’t need to see a picture of you with them to know that you’re a good dad… But seriously, if its not your kid, did you get permission from the parents to post it? Would they be ok with it being on a dating site for you to attract women? Also if you say you’re not looking for a relationship, could you put up a more contradictory photo?! It’s just plain weird, so stop it.

The blurry photo… What is that all about? Why post a blurry photo or even one where you can barely see your face because it’s such bad quality – this happens ALOT… Its 2019, take another selfie, delete that one & start over – did you know, it costs nothing to do that?? Same as the half face picture… It still costs nothing to take a picture of your whole face… Unless you are the phantom of the opera, show me your whole face!

Oooh, sunnies pictures! Fuck guys can look really hot in sunnies & then you look at their next picture & think fuck you were hot till you took them off! It’s not their fault, I get it… Maybe I look better with my sunnies on? Perhaps not though, because I do get lots of comments on my eyes… I’m also a bit like this with hats because I prefer hair so usually when they have all pictures with a hat on, they’re bald. Not much you can do about sunnies & hats but it makes a difference.

So the ol group photo, especially as their first picture, I look at the hottest one in the group hoping that it’ll be you & I’m devastated when its not. I find myself wishing you were the hot one, then I toy with the idea of swiping to get to know you so I can date your hotter friend! (hahaha not really, but what a great blog post that would make!) If you want to post a group shot, to show your fun side, make sure it’s not your first picture. Or all of your pictures – why do men post every single picture of him in a group?

This also follows on with drunk pictures or nightclub pictures… I don’t want to see that you’re a party animal. I am happy for you to go out, I also like to go out but if every picture was taken by a nightclub photographer, then you’re probably not going to be putting in any effort to be with me, even if we are just casual…

What about a photo with another chick? I don’t care if it’s your sister or just a friend, if I think she’s hotter than me, I definitely won’t be liking your profile because I will automatically assume that I am out of your league… Even if she’s not that hot, I always wonder what the deal is & why your not dating the chick your snuggling – who you’ve deemed worthy of your dating profile but not worth enough to date. It always gives me a weird vibe to be honest, but chicks are constantly in men’s profiles, probably more than fish…!

Selfies! I’m all for selfies, most of my pictures are selfies however, do we really need a flexed muscle in the gym bathroom? Or a dirty mirror selfie? (yes I look at the marks on the mirror!) Or a urinal in the background? Lets also not forget the ‘looking down’ selfie – usually in a car, why do men do that?? It gives you a double chin, even if you don’t have one. It’s not a flattering look… & oh dear God, selfies with bloody snapchat filters… Just as men hate them for women, women hate them for men – save them for snapchat not your online dating profile!

What is with pictures of only inanimate objects such as your car, truck, boat or motorbike? You’re not even in the picture! What is with that?! I don’t care what you drive to be honest, even if you’re standing next to it… It just sends the message that I will be always number 2 in your life behind your pride & joy. This goes the same with holiday pictures that you’re not in, I like to see holiday pictures with you in it, or that could be anyone’s picture. Same with a sunset, you’d be surprised how many sunset pictures there are.

I’m not a smoker & never have been, so nothing makes me click the no button faster than a cigarette picture… Fine for you to say you’re a smoker in your bio, most sites ask that now & I do prefer to know this fact prior to dating you, it’s not a deal breaker for me so I’m not opposed smokers but do I really need to see you with a fag hanging out your mouth, usually looking drunk as fuck or blowing smoke rings? Nope!

Memes… Why oh why do men post memes! It’s a online dating profile not bloody Instagram…! Most of the them are offensive & I am pretty open minded, so the fact I find them weird to post, I wonder what other women think. We want to see your face, not how good your google skills are at finding lame dad jokes.

Pets, ok I’ll let them off for having their pet up in their profile, however, if it’s just your pet & you’re not in it, I’m probably going to like your animal more than you, so probably best you just put your face up!

The “I looked so good in 2009, so I’ll put that picture up” photo… WHY? You do realise it’s a dating site & when you meet the person & you don’t look like your picture, they’re probably not going to be interested anymore… How dare you waste my time like that! Note to everyone, use recent pictures!

Only having one picture up irks me the most. Especially when it’s just one of the ones listed above… Because after all these guys I’ve already talked about above, they take off their sunnies or have a clear photo & they aren’t attractive to you, but you’ve only got one photo to go by, so when you meet they look nothing like you’ve seen, it makes the date awkward, unless they’re hotter, which lets face it, they generally aren’t… So please put up several clear photos & be confident in how you look!

Now let’s face it, I’ve swiped & matched with all of these guys over the years, I’m not saying I ignore them & you shouldn’t either… But I’m hoping this blog post will help educate those online dating to actually sell themselves, not their friends or bike or someone’s kid or fish… Hahaha…


Noodle #16

The next day is my birthday, Noodle is going away for a few days with his family after “the gym” & I don’t think he realises it’s my birthday until someone in the group messages me. He’s worked out that he’s going to be at my house at 8:00 am after pretending to be at the gym & then the barber (Who apparently takes ages so gives him some extra time as an alibi…)

He messages me at 6:30 am to say happy birthday & says that I should’ve reminded him that he was going to fuck me on my birthday. I shouldn’t have to remind him, my bloody birth date is in my user name on the chat app, not that you look at the user name a lot, but he should know… However, I guess he is a dude, as if he knows when peoples birthdays are, probably doesn’t know when his son’s is…. I am not too upset about it, but at least he says Happy Birthday I guess. Hahaha.

He climbs into bed with me & we’re having amazing sex as always, Noodle has also really mastered the art of going down on me, he knows what I like & how to do it… He’s gotten better at doing it too, he wasn’t that great at it to start with. He gets me going so easily, that it’s just insane. Like I know I keep saying this, but how does this keep getting hotter? Doesn’t the passion & desire fizzle out? I want this guy more & more every time I see him… How am I going to go 10 days without him when I’m in Hawaii? I’m sad that he goes home & goes away to a place where he has no phone reception, so I don’t talk to him again until I am in Hawaii, the next day. What is this feeling I’m feeling of not wanting to be here in beautiful Hawaii, but also wanting to be here because I love travelling?! I want to be here with him! FUCK – where did that come from?

So after my birthday, I go to Hawaii for 10 days & don’t see him… We chat everyday even though there is a time difference; we still get to message when we can. I’m surprised we get in some decent chats, I look at the world clock on my phone every time I’m back in the hotel to try to get some decent conversation with him, thinking about her bed time & what he might be doing. Plus I don’t want to piss off my friends by constantly texting so I try to only do it when they are showering or getting ready too, but I know that I probably am using my phone too much!

The day I fly into Adelaide from Hawaii, Noodle is over my house at 5:00 pm & fucking me within a minute of being at my house… I am dying for his cock to be inside me. I hate that I haven’t felt his touch for 10 fucking days… I know it seems like nothing to you probably, but I have never had this type of passion or desire for someone in my life – ever. I cannot get enough of him, I cannot fuck him enough! I want to please him & I want him to feel desired, I want him to feel like I do when I am with him. I sometimes think he does, but I also just think perhaps I am just his mistress… Surely I am more than that now? This guy has become my fucking best friend… FUCK!

Over the weekend we are talking, as usual, I mean let’s just say here & now, that we talk every day all day when he’s not with her. I talk to him more than I have ever talked to someone in my life… I tell him that I think I look pregnant, I have been a bit of a yo-yo dieter & also struggle to get below a certain weight all the time. “You do not look pregnant. You have a beautiful & curvy body. Not in a fat chick way, in like a Marilyn Monroe type of way” I laugh out loud, because I know he means it but I also don’t take compliments very well, so I say, “OMG. You know I’m already fucking you right?” he says “You know I don’t bullshit you right? Guys can lie all they want to get laid about a woman’s body… But my hands don’t lie… My hands can’t stop touching you.” He even tried one day to not touch me as we lay there after we fucked, but his hands kept moving all over my body. I remind him of our pesky hands & he says “Your body feels amazing. Hahaha those pesky hands. Sometimes we need to tie them”

I get a little needy & he starts to piss me off with how he disappears when he gets home or can’t talk anymore, not even saying goodbye to me or anything… It fucks me off. Rob Rob used to do that to me all the time, he’d cum then hang up & not be back online, sometimes for days. Noodle will just not reply to my last message for hours on end & it does my head in… He stops replying & I crack the shits but today, he sends me a live shower picture, letting me know he’s in the shower, which he usually talks to me when he’s in there. When I call him out on not saying goodbye to me, he says “Only reason I do that is so I can chat to you as long as I can… Loser me” FUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK! So he doesn’t just disappear? He fucking chats to me as long as he can? I can’t fucking believe it… All this time I’m thinking that he just logs off & goes about his family life, when he is actually thinking about me… This is not what I was expecting! I really thought that he didn’t care that I was sitting there waiting his response all the time, I sit there like a loser waiting & see that the little grey d (showing me he’s got the mesaage but not online) stays there for a while & I know that he’s logged off for the evening. It’s cute that he does chat to me for as long as he can, but how fucking hard is it to say goodbye so I’m not waiting like a fucking dickhead!? Why don’t married men think about their loser mistresses waiting around for them? I know that he probably thinks I don’t care about him, I can just imagine what his mind is thinking, that I don’t care, but I fucking do, I fucking care too much & I want him to say goodbye to me. Shit!

You know when you talk to someone so much, I guess especially via message like we do that you start to pick up on dumb little quirks of theirs, well we start doing that, I think I notice me doing it more than him, like he starts sentence with “Errr” or “Pfft” or “Whatever” when I ask him if I’m hot or something, it’s quite funny & people in the group even notice that I start using it too… Holden (a admin guy I’ve talked about before, even tells me off, in a joking way! Hahaha FUCK. That’s fucked that people notice.) I can’t believe that people notice that I am talking like Noodle, it’s not good…

Noodle also tells me one morning that after we fuck he gets really hungry, I do too in fact, he says that it must be a bit of a workout & I agree, I’m always so sweaty & tired after fucking him too, I’ve never been that bad with a guy, I mean we do have very active sex, so I shouldn’t be surprised… I tell him that I just came hard to a fantasy of him & that I’m hungry now & he says “Sad thing is… I would get you breakfast… After I fucked you of course!” I tell him to bring me some as he says he’s cooking his breakfast, he says “Hehehe, I would if I could” & I actually believe him, I know he’d come over if he could.. I actually think that he’d prefer to be with me than at home while his partner sleeps… I wonder what our life would be like if i woke up to him every day? FUCK, where did that come from? What is wrong with me!? Jesus…

Noodle adopting slang.png

Noodle is back at work, after 5 weeks off, it didn’t change our routine, like I thought it would. We still talked every day, even with me in Hawaii, even with him on a camping trip with no mobile reception. We also still fucked more than once a week while he was on holidays, which was the thing that surprised us both, I guess. We definitely always chat, he finds time every day for me by getting up early or going to bed late (not that it’s ever that early or late really, she’s in bed a lot) or even I get a message when he’s in the toilet or shower or cooking dinner when he can hide his phone. But she could ask at any time to give her his phone so she can go through it, so he has to be careful – not sure if I’ve told you that fact before, but that’s why he has to delete the app when he’s at home & have a secret email where he keeps stuff that I’ve sent him. He also has bought an app that’s a calculator, it costs $5 a month, but it 100% looks like a calculator, however once you put in a certain code, it opens up to a file storage app! FUCKING HELL, I never knew there was a thing. But Noodle now has it to save all my pictures that I send him! He’s shown me his phone before it’s got so many apps on it, in folders & so many pages that it would completely fuck me off, mine is so ordered & organised. Hahaha. I guess he keeps his so disorganised so that she can’t really keep up with what he has on there & what he doesn’t…

It’s seriously insane to me what these 2 are like together… & the lengths he is going too to be with me… How can she be ok with living a life like this, being this paranoid? It would absolutely do my head in, I definitely wouldn’t be able to function, thinking my partner is cheating & being so untrusting that I would have to go through his phone. Like I’ve said, I guess she now has a reason to be paranoid, but she never did before…


Guest Blog: The Writer

Another Guest Blog from a reader of mine. She’s written some stories for us before, this is another story she has for us…!

This is similar to some stories for me, I feel like I am not alone & am thankful that you share your stories with me & allow me to share them!

I love that you’re all involved in my crazy dating life & want to share your similar stories…!

Bit of a short one today, but I hope you enjoy anyway!

The Writer

So, I had been using a kink dating app, testing it out and it linked to my FetLife profile. After I deleted the app I got a message from a man on FetLife explaining that he’d followed me from the app and he wanted to chat with me, if I wanted too. Now, that maybe sounds a little creepy but he writes beautifully and I’m interested in having a chat. I’ll start by saying he’s not my normal type, he’s older by quite a bit and he lives interstate, he’s also in an open marriage. I normally don’t invest my time in people that will be hard to meet up with or married men, even open marriage men. But anyway… I do and I’ll call him The Writer.
We chat on FetLife for a bit and then we move to another chat app. I’m loving the conversations we are having, they’re intellectual, sexy, emotive, curious and we talk about everything, even mundane day to day stuff. I like him. He loops me into a group chat with his wife after a bit, she wants to know who I am as she’s been hearing so much about me. She’s lovely but a little aloof. She’s happy for me to be chatting with her husband, she’s got her own partners outside their relationship that she spends time with and is happy with the arrangement.
After a few months of intense chatting we’re starting to make plans to meet. While this has been going on I’ve met someone locally that I’ve started a relationship with, I’ve been open with him about The Writer and the relationship we have and local boy is onboard for me to meet up with him…until it gets too real and then he wants to tap out and wants me to cease contact.
I really like local boy and want to respect his boundaries and want to give our relationship a reasonable chance of making it. So, sadly I chat with The Writer and tell him where I’m at, he’s sad but understands. We only occasionally message each other to say hi, happy birthday etc… No sexy chats at all.

Guest blog the writer spouse or murdered.png
Fast forward about a year and my relationship with local boy has gone wonky and we break up. Not long after The Writer contacts me to say hi and we have a bit of a chat about what’s been going on. We chat a bit more over a few weeks and we decide that we’re going to meet, I book some cheap flights and we spend a few days picking an air bnb to stay in. He’s going to come and meet me in Melbourne and we’re going to talk and hug and cry and laugh and maybe have some kinky sexy fun.
Finally the day comes to fly out to meet him, he meets me at the airport and it’s lovely, like meeting an old friend. We check in and head out for an afternoon of exploring the city. Afterwards we head back to the bnb, I nap and when I wake up we make love, it’s tender and heartfelt and nice.
The next day he wakes me up, kisses me and then blindfolds me, he’s touching and licking and playing. My wrists get bound and then my thighs, he walks me carefully down some stairs and sits me on a swing in the lounge. My ass is hanging off the back of the swing, he ties me up harder and ties me to the swing, I’m tied up like a mummy. My senses are heightened and I’m really turned on. He pulls out a flogger and starts flogging my ass, it feels amazing, pleasurable pain. I’m still blindfolded. He stops flogging and I find a hard cock in my mouth he gently fucks my mouth for a bit before getting out a small whip and teasing me and whipping me. He’s playing and teasing. He then fucks me from behind. I’m suspended, tied and blindfolded, I can’t do anything but ride it and it’s amazing. We finish and he lays me on a cowhide rug on the floor and unties me, my body is tingling and buzzing with the release of the ropes and I can feel the sunlight that’s streaming through the windows caressing my skin. He takes my blindfold off and I see the play scene around me and I want to do it all again.
But we don’t and that’s another story.
I leave the next day, The Writer and I still chat, I’m still swooned by his amazing way with words that paint a vivid picture and hit you in the emotions. It’s an odd, endearing relationship we have. I’m glad we have it.


Noodle #15

OMG, I have just realised that I haven’t told you the best part about Noodle … I’ve never had this happen with another guy before either… Not only do we have crazy chemistry & passion, plus you know how his cock makes me squirt cum within 2 thrusts, but once Noodle cums, his cock stays hard. It never goes down unless we stop completely! Yes, it never goes down! He just stays hard… He doesn’t cum again but he can keep fucking me to make me cum if he cums first (which isn’t very often, let’s face it!) I don’t even know how he does it but now we’re not using condoms, he seems to cum quicker but he can still fuck me. It’s fucking hot…!

Anyway, I go away for work for a few days so I don’t see Noodle till the following Friday morning when he pretends to go to the gym but comes over to my house at 6:30 am… She was right about the gym… She was right to try to stop him from going… Not for the reason she thought, I mean he was already fucking me regularly when he joined, but she was right. I do ask him at one point if he joined the gym, partly so he’d have an alibi to see me & he says part of the reason why he joined – he did actually want to use the gym too.

During this week we sext, sending videos & pictures to each other every day & night, turning each other on so much, to the point that when he climbs in my bed, I think I cum within 30 seconds, this worries me because we’ve got a routine down, we fuck the same way when we’re in bed & I don’t want him to get bored with me. But he tells me that “Sex & boring should never be in the same sentence with you… Sex with you is fucking amazing… Sometimes mind-blowing he goes on & on telling me I’m a sexual goddess & that I don’t realise how insanely hot I can be… Yeah I don’t sometimes, but I’m starting to get the idea! Hahaha.

I also screenshot a conversation with Noodle where he was so descriptive this week that I got so wet from it, we have this conversation where I am pretending not to be turned on by him or missing his cock this week so he sends me this “As if you don’t want my hands touching you all over your body, grabbing your tits, then my tongue all over your body, start in your mouth, then make its way to your ear? Then kiss down to your nipples? Maybe lick & suck them while you’re tied up? Then kiss along your stomach to your thighs & lick along them & tease that pussy of yours? Just breathe over your clit a little while you’re tied up?” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Yeah fucking hell Noodle, I want you!

But the jerk burger, tells me that I am not allowed to cum until he sees me in the morning… Fuck that turns me on when he tells me what to do when I am not with him! I tell him that I am not even touching myself, which I’m not sure he believes, but I go to sleep frustrated & excited that he will fuck me first thing in the morning! When gets there, I am so wet having not been allowed to cum but literally being so turned on the night before. So I’m pulling him on top of me as soon as he gets into my bed, guiding his cock straight inside me, then he moans as I pull him inside me deeper. I cum so quickly, what a surprise & so does he.

He tells me at one point that his partner has said he’s a bad kisser & that they should practice kissing. First of all, I disagree with her… If a guy is a bad kisser, I can’t do anything with him – kissing is a big thing for me, but Noodle is not a bad kisser at all. I love kissing him… I ask him later how the practice is going & he said that she’s now decided that they aren’t going to kiss anymore, that he isn’t good at it. I’ll never understand how different she sees him than I do… I love kissing… I remember how shit it was that Boyfriend never wanted to kiss me… So this relationship between Noodle & his partner seems to me like it’s got a lot of negatives sexually, she’s never cum with him & now she doesn’t want to kiss him… She has friends but he seems to not have friends (He says it’s because he’s lazy & doesn’t maintain friendships, but I think it’s because she tracks his phone, asks so many questions so he just can’t be bothered.) How are these 2 even together? I know it’s been a while since I’ve had a relationship, but seriously, 10 years together & you have to practice kissing? Wouldn’t you address that in the first few months?

While he’s on holidays, he tells me that his partner left him a list of things to do. I don’t usually engage when he talks about her, trying to keep her out of the picture as much as possible, but I can’t help it… What type of fucking list? He sends me a picture of it… Now I’m not one to judge but I can’t help but laugh out loud at it to be honest… This woman is almost 30 & writing her partner a list – in different coloured pens? Have I just not been in a relationship for so long, that I think this is weird but actually is the norm? Is this something women do? I can’t even imagine how that conversation would go with a partner?!

Noodles First week of holiday’s list!

  • Wash all the spare bedding when we have a day without rain
  • Take bottles for recycling
  • Clean & organise the top of the microwave
  • Dust your console area
  • Clean spare room & organise camping gear
  • Give book shelf a tidy
  • Clean off lounge room chair
  • Find all tax stuff for us to claim
  • Dinner cooked every night 😛
  • Any clothes on hangers hung in the wardrobe
  • Deep clean bathroom & shower

This should keep you busy for your first week

Right, well then! So I decide to write him my own list in the only coloured pens I can find, not only to show him how ridiculous this list is but also to show he that I’m a pretty funny cool easy going chick.

Noodles list of things to while on holidays…

  • Tie me up…
  • Tease me till I beg…
  • Fuck any hole he wants…
  • Repeat!

Again, the fact the Noodle does all the tasks on her list surprises me, He even shows me before & after pictures… I mean he tells me that he’s a asshole to her & obviously I see him being a dick in the chat groups – I witness that for myself, so the fact that he does the chores she tells him to do in the first week, really surprises me. I never ask him, but I wonder if it’s his guilty conscious? He has told me that he doesn’t feel guilty for cheating, but I wonder if that is actually true or not… However I don’t have a guilty conscious at all like I thought I would… I wonder why that is… It’s also around this time that she buys him one of those friendship bracelet things, that he actually wears. I mean I guess he can’t not wear it if she bought it, but when I ask him about it, he even seems embarrassed by it… I guess that’s a normal reaction when your lover sees something from your partner.

Over the weekend we’re chatting as always, turning each other on, I mean this is part of the appeal with him, the fact that I can’t see him all the time so we have virtual play, it’s basically like days of foreplay. He asks me how I make him want me so badly & I just say it’s a gift. Hahaha. “Find you so fucking irresistible… Find you so fucking hot… Tell you what, I’m glad I didn’t friendzone you now… With the combination of fucking dirty… kinky & sexy you can be” I say “I’m glad I didn’t let you friendzone me, what type of wanker does that anyway” but he says “A fucking dumbass. I could of missed out on the best sex of my life & with the dirtiest chick I have ever been with. Your like the perfect combo of dirty, kinky & sexy. I don’t think it gets hotter than you.” Fuck I love it when Noodle tells me that he didn’t want to friend zone me, that he wanted to fuck me all along, then he says “But… You are the only other person I want to fuck now so go figure” He asks me what I did to him & I just say that I have a magical pussy. Hahaha. “I only get hot, passionate, like movie sex with you… or porn star sex with you… or get to fuck you like a whore. Fucking amazing sex every time. Fuck I need to fuck you again.”

Noodle Lists addicted.png

I am about to go away to Hawaii for my birthday so I there is going to be a week that we can’t fuck. He’s on holidays & I’m on holidays out of the country. I scared that I’m not going to see him before I go & then it’ll be like 2 weeks before we fuck again. I kind of sad that our statistic of fucking every week for the last 4 months, actually more than once a week, will be dashed because I am going to Hawaii… I am almost pissed off that I have this birthday trip planned, but also I want to go. I just don’t want to miss him… FUCK! I will miss him… NO, I cannot have these feelings… I will not miss him! I don’t care about him or this… this… I refuse to call it a relationship… What ever it is!

The morning before my birthday, I have a dude coming over to give a quote on my new roof & another workman for something. The roof guy won’t leave, but I’ve been messaging Noodle to say come over that this guy will be gone by the time Noodle get here… However the dude is still here when Noodle gets here. I know he’s worried about someone seeing him at my house, in case he knows the roof guy – which would be highly unlikely as I’ve not heard Noodle talk about a friend yet. Anyway, Noodle walks in the door & it’s probably the first time that we haven’t been naked instantly. The man in packing up in my kitchen so I kiss Noodle & rub my hand over his cock, it’s hard & I wish that the man was gone. I leave Noodle to usher the roof dude out my house, as he & I walk through to the front door, Noodle hides in my kitchen, the roof dude looks for him but can’t see who I answered the door too, so the roof dude is probably thinking I’ve made it up. As I shut the door, Noodle is behind me, kissing my neck & playing with my tits… We don’t have long & we’re naked & fucking straight away, that was probably the longest time that we were together without fucking… That’s kind of tragic, it was like 5 minutes! Hahaha.