Spirit Animal

A friend shared this on her Facebook & I thought it was a great article & I realised that I found my spirit animal.

I laughed a lot with this article then has a weird thought, if female dragonflies have to fake their own death to avoid sex with a predator dragonfly, then what hope so we all have? Actually, I laughed a lot, but this is quite disturbing. It’s almost like a woman having to pretend she has a boyfriend to stop a guy from talking to her. Spirit Animal.png

Female Dragonflies Fake Their Death To Avoid Males

Everyone has those nights when their significant other comes to bed and — for one reason or another — they decide to feign sleep to avoid talking or … doing other stuff.

Well, female dragonflies take this kind of sneaky sexual rejection to the next level — faking their own deaths to avoid having sex with aggressive males.

Scientists recently captured this phenomenon on video for the first time while observing moorland hawker dragonflies in the Swiss Alps.

In the newly released footage, the female is seen freezing mid-air and plummeting to the ground, where she lies motionless until the male leaves.

(When researchers approached the females, they immediately flew away — showing they remain alert throughout the fake death.)

This behavior, which has been previously observed in five other species, is called sexual death feigning. It’s believed to have developed as a survival tactic, since female dragonflies often risk injury or death when coerced into mating.

“In a lot of dragonflies, males try to seize the female with or without consent,” Rassim Khelifa, a biologist who recently published a study on the phenomenon, told National Geographic. “The fittest — that is the fastest, most powerful male — is usually the one who mates.”

Male dragonflies often pounce on their female victims as they bask in the sun by the water. After a female has laid eggs once, Khelifa found, she’s pretty much met her quota for sexual interaction.

And that’s when she starts playing dead.

It’s apparently an effective escape method, since more than 60% of the females who employed it successfully deceived their male pursuers — and every female who didn’t was intercepted.

Other methods used by female dragonflies to avoid having sex include laying their eggs in dense vegetation and avoiding areas heavily populated by males.

Sexual death feigning isn’t only used by the ladies, though.

On the opposite end of insect gender relations, male wolf spiders often play dead to avoid getting eaten after getting laid.

So next time human dating is stressing you out, take comfort in the fact that you always know whether or not your date is alive.

Here is the link to the website if you would like further reading. https://thewildchild.co.za/female-dragonflies-fake-their-death-to-avoid-males/

One thing though I disagree with is the knowing if your date is alive. I always pretend that the guy if he doesn’t text me back, that he died. I mean why else wouldn’t a guy want to text me back after meeting me? Surely it’s because he died… Hahaha…

My eyelash lady told me the other day who’s been in a relationship since high school with the same guy, that relationships aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be. I get that, I am not that stupid to think that a man will complete me, I don’t need a man to complete me. I am a strong independent woman, so I am not worried about being completed. But I want a partner. I mean I haven’t had a proper boyfriend since Boyfriend abut 12 years ago now. Well Noodle did say I was his ex girlfriend, but can I really consider what I had with him a relationship?


Big Show

This guy will also be a relatively short one too. I will have a lot of these shorter ones coming up actually – I didn’t use to write about people I never met, but some of these stories are worth the read. Hahaha. They are part of my story & I think they need to be told just as much as the major stories, because the choices I make in the significant stories are because of how the smaller insignificant stories have shaped me too.

So this guy Big Show joins the chat group by being added by someone I have become friends with, they don’t seem to be together so it’s ok & I think he seems pretty nice, his picture is him in a mask covering most of his face but he seems to have nice eyes. I private message him first, which again is unheard of as you know, but I am trying to move on here, I am trying to do different things.

We chat, he’s a FiFo (Fly in, fly out worker) & I think this is perfect. A friend constantly tells me that I need a FiFo worker because then I can be alone when I want & be with him when he’s home. It’s the perfect relationship! Hahaha…So I think this might be perfect, just what I need.

But this guy ends up sending me pictures of his dick & then jerking off videos – remember the first one I ever got & I was appalled, now I don’t even bat an eyelid, I just watch it & think why the fuck does a guy you don’t even know think that is sexy or will turn me on?

Anyway we talk a lot, almost daily about general shit, not all day like I have been used too but we chat a fair bit to be honest. Why does this always get me into trouble? Why am I addicted to the chat?! It’s good to have a distraction & not just a guy trying to meet me for sex & then ghost me. He can’t meet me, he works away!

big show addicted to gym or money.png

We chat though out the day & I also tell him that I have a lingerie fetish, it started with Noodle, but I still have it & am still buying stuff – not even sure who is ever going to see it again but I am buying stuff. So Big Show asks me to show him, I send him a lot of pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I have sent a lot of pictures in the past. But I don’t often send pictures to people I don’t even know – I haven’t actually seen this guys full face yet & here I am sending him picture after picture of me in lingerie.

As I start to trust him a bit more & we chat more, I open up about fucking married men, not on purpose, but I tell him about the recent debacles I have had & he askes if I’d do it again & I say no I wouldn’t. I may not know what I want right now from a man, but I know that I don’t want to fuck another married man as long as I live. That’s when it hits me… He’s fucking married! Why else would a guy ask that question?! He says that he is & I fucking throw my phone down & scream into my pillow. I feel like such a wanker! What the fuck, I have been sending his pictures all fucking day! I have been opening up about things that are really painful for me to talk about & this guy is bloody married.

I ignore his message that says “But I have a goal im trying to achieve” OH like whatever dude… Fucking achieve your goal without hurting another woman… That just fucks me off more. The next day he says “I guess it’s cya later then” I stew on if I should write back or not for hours. Till I snap “You should’ve been honest with me… I shared a million fucking pics” He says that I never asked, which infuriates me even more. I tell him that it’s a cop out & he should’ve told me. A week later he sends a message “Sorry” I tell him that it was a delayed reaction & he says “Haven’t been on the chat app for a while. But with that response I’m not sorry then” I ignore him, I bet he hasn’t been on the chat app because he was home with his wife!

A couple of days later, I haven’t replied to him so he send “As much as I say I am not sorry hahah I really am. I just hate attitude” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I ignore him, as much as I want to write back, at this point, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. I fucking hate this interaction now. I can’t believe that this is what online dating is like now.

The next morning I wake up to a picture of his cock… Seriously!

I am thankful that I get a new phone around this time & so my chat app history is deleted… I hate that I have been through this yet again, it seems like this kind of bullshit will never stop for me… With a new phone, new chat app account. I delete everything & am only in a couple of groups with friends. I pull right back & stop using the app a lot. I need to gain some of my sanity back!


New to Vic

This is going to be a very short one, so don’t settle in with your morning coffee expecting a juicy post! Sorry, spoiler alert! New Year’s Day 2019, I see a notification pop up on my phone from the online dating app, so I look because I’m not doing anything else. This guy has added me, I return the like, we exchange the usual pleasantries & then he asks for my number. I generally don’t give out my number, so I ask his name & why his name on the site is Newtovic. He says he’s in Adelaide but has been interstate. He gives me his number & I think why not, we’ll send some texts & all will be well. So at this point, we’ve sent about 10 messages on the dating app to each other, so this is really quick for me, before I am sending him a text saying ‘Hey Newtovic, its #IBD4U’ within seconds my phone is buzzing in my hand & my wrist is buzzing from my watch with a number not saved in my phone. Surely he’s not calling me? FUCK. I absolutely hate when they do that! This is why I don’t give out my number.

Newtovic understand nothing.png

I answer the phone, it is him… Insert eye roll here… He tells me that he’s moving house but the owner has just reneged on the offer so he’s had to stay at his hotel because he’s just moved to Adelaide. I’m not sure I believe this to be honest, but anyway. We talk alright for a few minutes but then there’s an awkward silence where he says he was just checking a text about another house option & I wrack my brain for an excuse to get off the phone as it is a little awkward right now. I get the feeling that he wants to dirty talk with me or is looking for a place to stay tonight, I’m not really 100% sure what he wants, but I know that I don’t want to meet this guy yet. If the conversation doesn’t flow well on the phone, it probably won’t flow well in real life. But he asks me if he can take me out on a date & I say that he can – not sure if I want to go… He says that it’ll be a nice dinner & some flowers – sounds ok. I say he doesn’t need to buy flowers with a little laugh as that would make me feel uncomfortable, I think. We talk a little more but the we say goodbye & before he hangs up, he says that it won’t be the last time I hear from him.

I think ok, it was a tad awkward but it was a phone call, a phone call I wasn’t prepared for, so let’s just see what happens when we meet face to face – see if he follows though with the flowers! I mean give the poor guy a go, he put himself out there by calling me & I did start the call by asking why he is calling me. Whoops.

A day later, I go online & he’s deleted me! WTF… Fuck me, really? I guess that will be the last time I hear from him after all! A friend says maybe he will call or text, that maybe he’s just deleted his online account. Oh I love her optimism. But no, I will probably only ever hear from this guy again if he’s horny & it’s really late at night, otherwise never again!

Ironically, a year later & I never heard from this guy again… I am not really sure why people do that… The “We” talk. We’ll do this, we’ll do that, when they have no intention of following though with it.

Again, with meeting people like this… I just miss Noodle. Nothing stops me from thinking about him, fucking nothing.



I meet this guy online, we start chatting easily, he starts off by saying I must be very popular as other profiles are awful, I guess that’s meant as a compliment?! So I ask how, I don’t think my profile is that great, he says that there aren’t many appealing women or any that he would go on a date with. I assume he’s trying to give me a compliment, but he’s not doing a very good job.

Then he says something interesting “I’m not even asking for an exclusive relationship I just wanna adore a lady if she sees others.” my interest is piqued, even though I don’t like to chat about my kinks & sexual history with men because it always seems to get me into trouble, but I figure he’s trying to tell me that he wants an open relationship, which is pretty much where I think I will go if I ever find someone, because I have been alone so long, I don’t know if I can be monogamous, I mean I was in love with Noodle & kissed T-Bone, I also fucked Orbit while with Noodle… I don’t know if I can be monogamous. I am not sure how an open relationship would work for me at this point, I mean it wouldn’t be like Max & Sweetie who has regular FWB, but parties & other couples might be ok. I’m not sure, but I definitely won’t want to cheat.

He asks me if he can tell me what he is looking for, but he doesn’t want me to freak out & block him. Oh seriously, I sure can pick em! WTF will he say? “I’m one of those guys that likes cuck relationships” Oh phew… I kinda gathered something like that being he said he didn’t want exclusive… For those of you going WTF is a cuck relationship, it’s more commonly known as a Cuckhold relationship, where a male will encourage his partner to sleep with other people because it turns him on. In Free85’s case the jealously turns him on. There are different aspects to it I guess, if he wants to be tied & forced to watch or he wants to tell the guys what to do, or even if he doesn’t want to watch but just wants to hear about it later on.

It’s not entirely sure this is what I want, as usually a Cuck is a submissive, I want a more dominant man. I am mostly submissive, so would I be able to be the dominant one? I guess I am dominant in life. But I figure he might be fun so I keep talking to him & share some kinks of my own with him, including some rope pics, when he says I’m too good to be true & he thinks I might be all talk. Well he might be all talk too, like a lot of guys!Free 85 see what happenedHe disappears for a few minutes, so I move onto something else on my phone, I get a notification that he’s messaged but I don’t go back into the app right away. As I do, I see he’s sent a pic, it’s just of his body & he looks quite good to me. By the time I go back to the chat I see he’s sent another picture which I click on & it’s his cock. FUCKING HELL! I tell him that he was doing so well till he sent me his cock. He says that he thought he’d lost me. Double what?! So the response to someone not replying is a dick pic? So my panties drop? LIKE WTF.

He says well you didn’t reply, I was trying to get your attention because I have his. I think about my reply before Then he sends “GAYYYYY” OMG is he 12? Wtf is happening? We were having such a good conversation! Then he says sorry miscommunication, I’m say that I’m not sitting on my phone waiting for his replies but he says he got impatient because he doesn’t find people like me often & he got in a huff & that I should relax. I say I’m not sure how he’ll cope with being jealous since he got in a huff when I didn’t reply in one minute. He says sorry again & that he put his foot in it (I’d say he put his cock in it! Hahaha.) I tell him that my biggest pet hate is a unsolicited cock shot & I’m going to sleep. He says he’ll see me Friday. Fuck this guy is going to Switch! I forgot about that… Also my stupid face is up on the bloody app so he’d know who I was… I mean I’ve been approached before at events people asking if I’m the person they think I am.

At Switch that Friday, I don’t really know who he is as we’d not exchanged face pictures yet, he knew my face but I didn’t know his. But thankfully I never saw him… I don’t know if he went or if he didn’t but I am thankful that I didn’t see him. He never came up to me to talk so I can only assume he watched me from a distance (creepy) or he didn’t go. I had informed a few friends of his potential appearance, but luckily we never saw him. I also deleted the app straight afterwards. I am so over douches!

This kind of shit though reminds me why I fell in love with Noodle & makes me miss him even more. I want someone who puts in effort. They say that a man will chase what he wants, well when will I have a man that chases me?! Rather than me having to “give them a go.” I hope that one day I will get over Noode… & soon… This dating round-a-bout hurts so much.



I’ve never been to Maslin Beach, I always hated people joining a group on the chat app & saying they are heading to Maslin, who wants to go? Like it’s the only kinky thing to do in Adelaide or the only beach. For those who don’t live in Adelaide, it’s a suburb in the south of Adelaide with a beautiful beach, which in 1975, was declared Australia’s (yes Australia’s!) FIRST official nude beach. Yeah way-to-go my humble little home town for being so progressive! Interesting fact for you, the suburb is actually called Maslin Beach, not Maslins beach, however most south aussies just call it Maslin’s or massies.

So when the couple from the last play party invite me, I’m reluctant. I don’t personally think that because you go to a nudist beach it makes you kinky. But I figure this might be a good time to try it out – safety in numbers! The guy I usually go to the play parties with, LJ, is heading down there also on the same day & because I feel comfortable with him – even though we’ve never fucked or seen each other naked, I think ‘Fuck it. I’m going to go.’ I have wanted to try new things, so why not. I know Noodle would hate this too, but that’s not why I do it… I just need something else in my mind besides him fucking his partner.

I obviously wanted to meet someone in the car park to walk down with me, I know it’s sort of off the beaten track. I am not really sure of the protocol & don’t know what it’ll be like being a single reasonable looking woman – again I think it’ll be full of older men, who will be like a moth to a flame. The married woman from the play party also talks about the fact she doesn’t take off her bather bottoms, which makes me at ease because I don’t think I can take mine off just yet. As it is, I’ve only just been going to the beach this summer in my bikini (no singlet or shorts like usual), I’ve never taken my top off in public.

I arrive at the carpark before they are there – feeling a little nervous. Walking around is a skinny old man with long grey hair – longer than mine (& mine is about down to my bra strap). I see another older man, in his 60’s+, with really grey hair & really skinny, wearing oversized shorts & t shirts with those velcro sandals, you know the type I’m describing. It makes me weary. What have I got myself into here?! My couple friend get there & we start the long trek to the beach. We set up a camp & they strip off, I take a deep breath & take my dress off, then my top & to be honest, I am uncomfortable for about 2 minutes till we’re walking into the water. In the water I can hide, but it’s freezing till you get used to it.

We get out & my other friend arrives, LJ knows 2 other people on the beach so they come to join us too. I actually know one of them from the play party too, so they join us. Another guy that’s been walking around with a hard on & shirt, stops by & he knows someone in the group so he joins us too. I realise I know him as the dude who was hovering when I was playing air hockey at the play party.

We all go for another swim & just chill out on the beach with some wine & beers. I go for a walk with a couple of people to check out the whole beach & I am surprised how liberated I feel with no top on, even if my boobs are like a lighthouse beacon, bright white! We have a really good day & I am glad I was there with a bigger group of people than just by myself or one other person. Unfortunately there was a fair bit of cloud cover so we didn’t get an amazing sunset, but it is a bloody beautiful secluded beach!

(Ps. Picture is a real picture I took at another visit.)

A few tips & things I picked up as a new user of the naked beach, to those thinking of going. I definitely think people should go if they want to, it wasn’t at all like I expected. I guess I had that same type of idea about the play parties so it’s interesting that it was nothing like I expected, again! But here are a few things you may want to know prior to going:

  • Safety in numbers for women. There were more men there than women, I’d say about 3:1, if not more. (maybe just the day I was there)
  • There are a fuck load of stairs (which are weirdly spaced for my short legs) down a giant cliff face if you go from the closest top carpark – be prepared to take a breath or 2 when going back up. (I’m pretty fit & it was a bit tough going back up) The view is actually amazing though so take a picture!
  • There is another carpark on flat ground but it is further away distance wise, it’s a long walk across the beach to get to the nudist part. (There’s a sign dividing the regular beach to the nudist part)
  • Be prepared to see more penis than you’ve ever seen, the men the day I was there tended to walk around a lot. (A few were hard, one had a shiny cock ring, all different ages, shapes & sizes!)
  • There is a rock over by the cliffs which is apparently the area people have sex, however if you have a tent, people may have sex but beware apparently people will just look in your tent if it’s not closed up.
  • Don’t be scared to get naked, no one cares what you look like & if they do, who gives a fuck, they aren’t on the catwalk, so get naked & enjoy the freedom.
  • Be prepared for people to look at you, even your friends. It was ok but just wasn’t expecting their eyes to wander as we talked. I mean I had a peek at them too, I’m only human! Hahaha.
  • Careful when rubbing sunscreen into your boobs – one of my friends made a joke when I was, which was ok because I know him, but I did notice others watching & I was trying to be discreet.
  • If the water is a bit cold (as it was for us) your nipples will stick out & your penis will shrink. That became a bit of a joke with my friends, which was good because it’s like the elephant in the room.

Anyway I had a really fun time, I think that everyone should be brave & go too, if that’s your thing. Since going, I have actually even ditched the shorts at the beach all the time & I’ve been going in, in just my bikini. I am finally getting some confidence! WOW.



This guy is super-hot, he’s ripped but he’s one of those guys that I am not sure if that’s really if that’s how he looks right now or 10 years ago. I’ve been caught out before, when men send a picture & you think they’re cute & hot but then they’re not at all. I was always thinking that Crows would be the same, kind of hot in his pictures, but too good to be true… Crows was hot so maybe Goodwin will be too?

I start chatting to Goodwin (yes I make the first move as we’re in a group together) I even tell him that I never message anyone first, so he should consider himself very lucky if he likes me. He says he does so we chat a bit, I tell him about the recent break up with Noodle, not the ins & outs but I what I am looking for is not something too serious right now, he says the same – this could be the thing that I need right now, it’s just after I stopped talking to Noodle.

But Goodwin stops talking to me for a few months, I just assume he’s got someone else or whatever, it’s it the chat app after all. I have been seeing Crows on a regular basis at this time that I don’t really care too much. Men on the chat app are a dime a dozen. When Goodwin comes back I ask where he’s been because I am not going to be someone’s 2nd option but he says that he was with a chick for a while & they broke up because he realised that he didn’t want a GF. I don’t respond to a lot of his messages because I am not going to make it easy for this guy. We chat on & off for a few months to be honest, I talk to him about all sorts of shit, but we never meet.

So after my epiphany last blog – Leader of the Broken Heart, I’m hoping that it would my goodbye to Noodle, I’d be able to close that chapter on Noodle & it’d give me the ability to move on, even though I want to message him so badly (even months later) & I that am not over him in the slightest. I’m still listening to that song & every other song by the band Papa Roach, so much so that I even subscribe (pay) to have premium YouTube so I can watch their film clips with no ads. I basically listen to song after song of theirs & listen to Periscope & Leader of the broken heart over & over again. I don’t know why I am torturing myself but it honestly seems to be helping. By avoiding anything Noodle, I was hurting myself even more.

At my work function, we get to have a few drinks… It’s a little emotional as there is a restructure going on & things are tense for everyone, I have drunk my weight in alcohol by the end of it, however this time I’m not puking in the toilets so at least that’s something!

Walking to the next bar, one of my colleagues bursts into tears, while consoling her, I follow suit (WTF I seriously never cry – I’ve gone from being a stone, but post-Noodle however now I’m a fucking wuss & now cry at the drop of a hat!) I figure tonight is going to be a tough night, I consider briefly hitting on a male colleague that’s being a bit cheeky with me but decide against that, so on the way home, I look online for someone to come over & keep me company tonight. I message Goodwin but I realise that it’s 2:00 am on a Thursday night, he doesn’t reply. A few people on the anonymous app do but they aren’t attractive to me, so I sadly buy the taxi driver hungry jacks & get dropped home alone.

I put on YouTube when I get home & the instant that Leader of a broken heart comes on, I burst into tears. I sob – I sob though Periscope too, I howl until I can barely breathe. I am so alone. I don’t even have a FWB I can call. I cry while singing, I usually am able to control myself when I look in the mirror so I stand in the bathroom looking at myself, but that doesn’t work. I just have to cry. Let it all out. This type of crying doesn’t happen to me often or ever really, but I must need it.

Finally sleep finds me about 3:30 or 4:00 am, I wake up at 7:00 am (WHY?!) with sore as fuck eyes from crying so much & lack of sleep. I also wake to find a message from Goodwin asking why I was up so late, I explain I was at a work function & he said he’s going out tonight & what time am I picking him up. We talk for a little more when he says he can be at my house at 10:00 am this morning. I agree having had a shit night, I needed some good sex & also hadn’t had sex since the Cowboy debacle. I need to erase that night! I say that if it’s good this morning, then we can also fuck again later, after his party.

As he’s on the way to my house, he says that a notification just popped up & he has an appointment – oh right, the old appointment excuse. I feel like an idiot but he says he’ll be 20 minutes. I stay in bed thinking I am just going to have to sort myself out when he messages to say he’s on his way. Wow, that’s a surprise! I ask if he wants me to stay in bed with the door open or if he wants me to meet him at the door. He says that he wants to door open – good because that’s what I’ve done anyway.

He looks exactly like his pictures – a young Heath Ledger, his body is hot AF. He is ripped. Hard abs, muscly arms. His body is hard as a rock, he definitely works out & takes care of himself. He’s dressed a lot like Crows always dressed like, white t-shirt, dark shorts, hat & street shoes. (if they’re even called that anymore.) He definitely looks a little like Heath Ledger. He puts his stuff down then I move over in the bed & lift the covers up, he sees I’m just wearing panties & says how hot I am but he’s going to be cold. I say that’s ok because it’s toasty warm in bed, we kiss for a few seconds before he gets up to get rid of his chewy. He gets back into bed with me, then gets up again to take off his top & shorts. He gets back into bed with his jocks still on (yeah he has Calvin Klein jocks – not shorts, actual jocks! Milky was the last guy I ever saw in jocks) we kiss for a bit more but he asks me if I have any toys (if only he knew!) I get a vibe out for him, he goes down on me all the while making this Mmm sound every few seconds, then he fingers me & asks if I like his fingers in me, which of course I do, then he slips the vibe in while I cum really quickly.

He jumps up for me to suck his cock, which I don’t think it my best work but within a few sucks he’s saying he’s going to cum. He cums, wipes himself up then starts getting dressed asking me a lot of questions like how long have I had this house, where did I get my bruises on my leg from, how last night was & how is my investment property is going. He kisses me goodbye & he’s gone. Right?! No sex, but I guess at least he made me cum. Though I could’ve just made myself cum with the vibe, saved him the trouble of coming all the way to my house.


Leader of the Broken Heart

It’s been about 4 months since I read Noodle’s last email to me & I never responded (at the time of writing this blog – longer than that now, but this is still relevant! I wrote this end of December 2018.) He never tried again to get in contact with me – I check my junk emails sometimes & I used to check the anonymous app daily (even though I no longer post on it), just to see if he is still posting – I think he is but I can’t really tell… I avoid it as much as I can. I’m not sure how that makes me feel, I kind of wish he’d message me but I am thankful that he hasn’t, especially if he hasn’t left her.

I still think of him every fucking day, pretty much all day. I can’t get him out of my head. Probably because I’m also reliving it with you guys on this blog – which is part of the reason I wanted to speed up the progress of this story, it’s hard to relive feeling this shit… I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s or what our life would be like now or even what his life is like now – if he’s happy, if he thinks of me, if he wishes he made a different decision? Oddly I find myself thinking about his kids a lot too… Usually when my nieces & nephews are around – because they’re around the same age, I think of them playing together, I think of what our life would be like with the kids. I also think of little things I used to message him about my food or exercise or something someone said & I want to tell him. That’s when I have to use all my willpower to not message him.

It’s even worse that my job is very solitary, I’m in the car all day by myself a lot while I travel from country town to country town & listen to music – I’m very susceptible to lyrics (always have been), every song that has played in the 8 months since Noodle’s partner found out & we officially stopped having sex, has seemed like it was about us, a love story gone wrong…

He’s always on my mind since I have met so many dickheads, while he’s happy with his partner. I’m still on the dating round-a-bout from hell & I can only assume they’re happy & having wild sex (being she thinks that’s what he wanted or was getting from me.) Meanwhile, here I am – I can’t even use my bloody electric toothbrush because it reminds me of him…

One day doing a long day trip to Kingston SE (7 hour driving round trip plus the meeting) for work, where I find a Spotify play list “Your Top Songs of 2018,” I hit play wondering what I could’ve possibly been listening to this year, a couple of songs play & I crank it up belting out the tunes until a Papa Roach song comes on (one of Noodle’s favourite bands. Ironically I knew their first song from 2000 called Last Resort & a few others but not many. But after Noodle said he loved me & told me he realised because during one of their songs, I listened to every album & learned all the words!) This particular song today is ‘Leader of the broken heart.’

On the way home, the song comes on again & I hit repeat. The lyrics are so me right now. I feel so empowered. I know what it’s like to risk everything & still survive – I am alive! I gave it all to Noodle & it wasn’t enough. That’s not about me, that’s about him. But I finally realise that I must’ve given my all because I actually feel ok about it (I mean I am hurt, angry & still in love with the guy but I am ok), I am on the other side of this alive & kicking.

When Boyfriend & I ended, I crumbled & it took me years to get over it & I think it’s because I didn’t really love him & he didn’t love me. I was so bitter because I was never loved. Now, I know it completely fucking sucks that I don’t have Noodle’s love anymore, but I can at least say now that I know what it is like to love & I know what it is like to be loved. One of my biggest fears has always plagued me & scared me the older I get (at the time of writing I am 37), that I would die without ever being loved. I’ve told you that before, that’s hard to write & also hard to re read… I was 36 when I first fell in love… At least I can be thankful that I have been in love.

I may never get fully over Noodle – he is (or was) my best friend. I miss that more than anything. The way we ended will always plague me too – how he treated me with secret messages he still hid from her – while trying to sort out his life with her, only when it suited him & his situation, but I am ok! I am alive.

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – for those who want to listen.

All the lies you told are now the truth
Here I am with nothing left to lose
Now that I’m crawling in my skin
Maybe it’s time I just give in
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Holding out for more than I deserve
And hanging on to all your careless words
Maybe it’s time I cut the cord
Maybe I stay and take some more
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize

And now you finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Songwriters: Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / James Michael / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Tobin Joseph Esperance
Leader of the Broken Hearts lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

Leader of the broken heart.png

I may never have what I had with Noodle with another guy, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I have 2 regrets from my involvement with Noodle & they are probably not what you’re thinking. I don’t regret getting involved with a partnered man (though I do wish he was single – however I don’t think our story would have gone the same way), I am not at all proud of what I did or what I was a part of but I don’t regret that part. I also don’t regret falling in love or being loved by him – I’d do that all over again in a heartbeat.

My regrets aren’t about me, but I regret that someone else got hurt, she didn’t deserve that & neither did their kids, even though they’re young, they got caught up in this too – one of them is old enough to remember. They definitely don’t deserve that. I am not that type of person to be vindictive or hurtful, so I am sorry I hurt someone else. The kids are the reason why I didn’t do anything crazy, as much as I thought about it.

But my absolute biggest regret is that I didn’t tell Noodle how much I loved him – everyday, every time I saw him. I wish I told him to his face every time I saw him after we first said it. I wish I said it daily in messages instead of using the heart emoji because I was too scared to say the L word. They say more than words show how you feel, but if that were true, he would’ve believed in me more.

But he needed to hear it.

I needed to say it.

So my advice to you all is not to regret telling the people you love, that you love them! Turn to them & say it now… I would if I could… Words & actions are equally important.

So for now… I just have to put it out there virtually… Because I still feel the same… I don’t think that will ever change. But I have to move on.

But for now & always…

I love you Noodle