Noddy #18

I don’t expect to hear from Noddy, he reads my message instantly & I will never know if he reads the diary I sent him via email… I guess the sad thing about this all, is that while I was upset he bailed, I got the reason why he did, however the way he treated me after he bailed is the problem. Not writing back to me then posting snapchats cuddling someone else…

One of my friends asked me why he couldn’t see me at all since helping this chick, I ask myself that same question… He can make time for her, but he could leave her for a few hours & see me. Surely she knew about me & would be ok with that…

After I send him the message & my diary, Demon & Snapchat girl chat in the group, Demon says they’re having pizza for dinner but snapchat girl says “Not yet Demon, we haven’t even left the park we’re here catching Pokémon’s lolSeriously!?

Noddy hasn’t chatted in the group since he bailed on me last week, but could the snapchat girl rub it in my face anymore? I’m sure she knows about me, surely?! Why hasn’t Noddy asked her to stop, to have a bit of respect for me? Clearly he doesn’t have any respect for me, or he wouldn’t have been sending the snpachats, just like Noodle didn’t ask his partner to respect me, but always asked me to respect her… Why am I so easy to disrespect?

I have also realised that my body is a little crazy when I am stressed or broken hearted… My mouth is so dry, my heart has palpitations, I can’t eat at all, I don’t sleep much… This is only the third time that this has happened… It happened with Boyfriend, it was worse with Noodle, now it’s happening with Noddy… Though this time I’m not sure if it’s because of feelings I had or the fact he’s rubbing it in my face that he has someone else? Did I have feelings for this guy?

After a week of not hearing from him, I actually realise that yeah I had some sort of feelings for him, I won’t deny that, but it was the rubbing it in my face over the chat app or snapchat that makes me go crazy.

He replies…

“Hey, look I’m sorry its taken me a while to reply. I had a lot to read.

I really am sorry.. I overreacted. I had a lot going on… I didn’t mean for any of what happened to hurt you in the slightest… Yeah it probably was a copout… And it isn’t up to me if I am good for you or not.

I promise you now… Everything I said I really did mean… You are an amazing person who deserves the world. And I am just too much of a soft heart that I help too many people to the point where I run myself into the ground to distract myself from life in general. You didn’t deserve to be hurt by men like you did…

My words are a curse… I speak way too much of what’s in my mind instead of having walls up like you did. & I’m fucking sorry that I spoke so much that I softened those walls & you let me in.

I don’t expect forgiveness…

I don’t expect a reply.

I just want you to know that I really apologise for everything that I have done.

I won’t try & justify any of my actions. I betrayed you & your trust.

Noddy”

Well again, yeah I know he has a way with words, but I don’t even know what to say to that! I start drafting what I want to say, I write big long messages but delete them all… I don’t want to keep messaging him. I realise I don’t want him as my partner – we probably never would’ve worked but he would’ve been fun for a bit longer. One good thing is the snapchat girl left my group at least. I hated seeing her in there, maybe what I wrote about her was true?!

Noddy give too many fucks

I mean he says he has a big heart, but he only seems to have that for everyone else… He’s told me I am not a priority & there are too many red flags for him but we can at least salvage a friendship here, especially since he still hasn’t’ left my group, he came to switch & wanted to get involved in rope more. Hopefully we can be friends; I do really like him & got along well with him.

“TBH I have drafted a hundred different messages in reply. But fuck. This is hard.

Thank you for actually reading my email, I know it was long & I’ve never sent a guy my unedited thoughts before. I regretted it 1000 times.

I have a lot to say, but I’m not going to text endlessly. The way I see it, if you’re truly sorry, you’ll put in the effort & see me. If you aren’t, you won’t. Simple”

He reads it almost instantly & never replies… Well I guess he didn’t mean everything he said to me! Hahaha… Fucking hell some men are god damn liars… He said he wanted to be friends, well that will never happen now. I hope I never see him at an event ever again, I don’t know what I would say to him, even if I did… Probably just that, why would you still spin me bullshit after saying everything was true but then not actually wanting to be my friend?

Or fuck it, I’ll just say hey, be polite, & move on from him…

So the snapchat girl re-joins my group, yaye… (Insert eye roll here) So happy about that! But Noddy gets deleted by the bot I installed to delete non talkers.

It’s Switch, I’m excited to be going, I am going alone though, Noddy & I had planned to go together again, so clearly that’s not happening. I hope to god that he doesn’t go… Surely he wouldn’t. Demon has said that she won’t be there, but her brother & girlfriend will be there & has asked Ripples to tie her again. I am meeting my friends there, they are doing the show so I don’t want to miss is, but I am scared to go alone.

I spend ages getting ready, it’s a masquerade event, so I have stuck diamante stickers all over my face for my mask & I’m wearing a French Connection sequined playsuit. With black knee high boots. I look fucking amazing! I am feeling so good, my hair has fallen the right way. I look sensational… & I going alone!

I walk in & upstairs to find people I know & because I am alone, I am walking fast to get to find people I know, not wanting to be by myself. As I walk though the door, FUCK…. Noddy! I am not 100% sure it’s him because he’s wearing a grey suit & a mask but I am pretty sure it’s him, however, I am on a mission & don’t really notice him, just walk past, I go to the bar, get a drink & find my friends… I have just found out on the way to Switch that a friend is going to be there too having just broken up with her husband, Holden for an online relationship. I wonder if she’s been seeing Noddy?

There’s a chick at Switch, standing only metres from where we are & she keeps looking over at me, I don’t know who she is, but I figure that she keeps looking because I look so cute tonight! Hahaha… I don’t think I recognise her because her hair is quite short & blonde, she’s about the same size as me, so it can’t be the snapchat girl, she had brown hair that was a tiny bit longer than mine, from memory & she looked quite skinny… BUT… Later on the next day, the snapchat chick posts a photo of herself last night at her first switch (which she has SO much fun at – insert second eye roll here) & I realise it’s the chick that kept looking at me! FUCKING HELL!!! Is Noddy an actual idiot? Why did he come to Switch after ignoring me like an asshole, this is my thing, my event..? He never does anything but stand outside & smoke anyway – go to any nightclub & do that… I ask Doddy (Noddys man crush) if Noddy talked to him & he says no, but he wasn’t sure if it was him or not… At least Noddy is staying away from my friends… I go off to get roped up & candle wax but also watch my friends do the floor show. Hoping I don’t see him again, which I don’t really.

However someone I knew didn’t like me very much from the Private play party yells at me before they go on stage to do their rope show because Ripples tied me & used candle wax… I didn’t realise it was an exclusive thing that you shouldn’t do what the floor show was, I mean if anyone should follow that protocol, it’s Ripples, right? Everyone still gathered around for the floor show, so I didn’t see a problem. I don’t know the unwritten rules of switch. However it’s just another reason for those people to act weird around me & other friends start shutting me out after that happens. I leave Switch shortly after midnight, having felt so great about how I looked to feeling so fucking alone, I actually can feel myself breaking.

I can’t believe Noddy kept walking behind me & my group of friends, brought that chick (who remember has just fled a domestic violent relationship & is now at a kink event! As if the spanking & torture wouldn’t be a trigger?!) & he didn’t even act like an adult & talk to me… I know I walked past him once but I wasn’t expecting to see him the second I got there… I don’t fucking believe this is what happens in my life, it’s actually hilarious! Who gets broken up with via snapchat? Yep, #IBD4U does….! That’s just fucking gold!

To give you an update, Noddy got kicked out of the chat group & Snapchat girl leaves too which makes me happy, however I would have left them there & just went on my merry way, fuck them! A few weeks after it’s all blown over, I’m just saying how I’m out north for work & Demon says she’s at the same shops as me, so we meet for a coffee. She talks a lot about Noddy & the Snapchat girl who is now living with her. So she clarifies a few of the suspicious things that I knew weren’t right. So Snapchat girl is apparently mentally disabled, has had her 3 year old son taken off her & was living with her parents, who were violent, not a partner. Demon tells me that Noddy has done exactly what he did to me to her, well that’s not a surprise, which is why she’s now living with Demon. Well at least that is clearer for me, but I still walk away from this… Or, I guess let him walk away.

Noddy is now in a relationship with a chick, he looks really happy & I wish him well with that relationship. He was a good guy there for a while & he was good for me. I am just sad that I was used yet again by another guy to find the one he is going to be with… I never see him at Switch again, I haven’t been going but I don’t see him at the ones I go to. Nor do I ever hear from him again.

#IBD4U

Redhill

I activate a dating app while away for work – purely for a hook up, now that I have been broken up with via snapchat by Noddy, & now I know it’s over with him. I mean who gets broken up with via snapchat? FFS… I don’t think I can get over this disrespect… How embarrassing… That’s seriously next level for a way to stop seeing someone… Most men just ghost! I want to keep seeing him but I have to make a decision here… He’s not the right one for me… A guy that really liked me would never do that to me!

I chat to some guys online & every guy lives about an hour from where I am staying – or further… Fucking country!! Redhill & I match, He’s cute & 29 (Not another fucking young guy!) we chat a little, me telling him that I am only in Port Pirie for a couple of nights, essentially letting him know without saying this will be a one night thing… He says that he’d come to Port Pirie tonight but it is a 40 minute drive & it is getting late. Probably for the best. I have a spa in my room & I had been in it for 2.5 hours, just swiping on the dating app, feeling sorry for myself over Noddy…

Redhill heart love

However Redhill asks how much luck I’ve had on the app so far in Pirie, He asks the stupid question I hate about what I’m looking for. But this time it’s ok, because I am just looking fora one night thing. I say that ultimately one day I want a relationship but probably not going to find it on here. He agrees. I suggest that we meet for a drink tomorrow night somewhere in Pirie. He says yes & suggest a few places. I have no idea where anything is, so I google a couple of places & decide on the one that isn’t café primo & looks a little nicer. We talk a little about what we do for work, I actually tell him my real job title, thinking this guy isn’t too bad – which is unusual for me. I don’t really understand his job title of an Agronomist. So we talk about that for a bit.. I tell him how much I am over travelling for work, it’s been 5 years & I am done, “Like everything suffers, my friendships, my gym, my eating… etc” I don’t tell him that also my relationships with men suffer! Noodle & Noddy are the major cases of that! However I have just been told – not asked but told that I’m changing teams, which is not entirely what I wanted, but I think it’ll be good for me to do something different. It’s late so we stop talking, I try to sleep, but with everything going on & the shitty hotel bed, I barely get any!

The next day of course I refuse to talk to Redhill first, being I was the last one to write to him but at 3:45 pm he finally messages & asks if we’re still on for drinks. I say yeah & ask what time. He says 6:30 pm but he doesn’t finish till 5:30 pm, it’s a 40 minute drive so I ask if that’s enough time so he laughs & suggest 7:00 pm. I tell him that I didn’t bring a date outfit so I’ll be fairly casual, he says that’s ok, he offers to pick me up, which I think yeah maybe but then realise this guy could be a weirdo & I’m in a small country town alone… Not a good idea! So I drive myself.

We meet at the café/bar whatever it is. It’s fucking fancy, I am not dressed for this place. It’s also tiny with about 10 tables in basically a hotel foyer… I am there first & ask if there is another bar to sit at, thinking this restaurant is too fancy for what I’m wearing. The maître de says that this is it or we can sit at the bar, I am being sat at a table when he walks in, he looks just as casual as I do, so I relax a bit, We hug hello & we sit down. Being that it’s so fancy, I think there will be table service, but they don’t seem that attentive. Redhill gets up to order my $13 wine! FUCK… So expensive! Hahaha.

We talk quite easily, well I talk a lot, he doesn’t seem to talk or make much eye contact, so I dribble on about all sorts of bullshit. I am remembering the date with Tom Cruise, where he said I was boring, so I try to ask Redhill some questions. He offers me another drink so I guess he’s not having a bad time, wouldn’t he want to leave?! We have another drink & they start turning off the lights & packing up, the other 2 couples in the place leave, there’s a big group still kicking on, but I don’t want to be the last ones there. It’s only 9:30 pm, I assume he’ll kiss me out the front & then I’ll be able to invite him back to my hotel room… Even if he’s not that in to me, wouldn’t he want to fuck me, I mean how many matches would this guy get out here in the small country town?

He hugs me goodbye, kind of awkwardly & says see ya… OK that’s weird?! Maybe he really wasn’t that in to me… I drive back to the hotel thinking how shit that was, He seriously can’t be that spoilt for choice to not want to fuck me, knowing it’s just a one night thing… I have Rob Rob in my head, he’s telling me to message him to come to the hotel… So I write “You didn’t seem keen, so I couldn’t ask at the bar, but thought I would just ask anyway if you want to come back to my hotel room… You can ignore if you don’t want too.” I don’t wait long for a reply “Yeah I’m keen. I can come for a little while. What room are you in?” I tell him what room because he knows the hotel already from yesterdays chat, he says he’ll be there in a minute & I go searching for a condom, which I don’t fucking have! FUCK! I message him to say that, hoping that he has one & he doesn’t reply to the message but knocks on my door.

I invite him in & ask if he got my last message, he says he did & pulls out a condom, they’re the latex free ones I use & I smile, he doesn’t know I am allergic, I don’t often have that conversation with random dudes, one condom doesn’t usually cause a problem anyway but just kind of cute that he has those ones. I usually supply them, I thought I had one my travel kit, but I must’ve taken it out.

We kiss & he pulls me really close & really tight, I actually like it. He’s the well built type that is solid, we kiss for a bit while taking his shirt off, he then takes mine off & pushes me back on the bed, pulling me in tight again to him, I quite like that… He kisses me more & slides his hand behind my back undoing my bra so easily that I say “Smooth” he laughs & says it was just luck – I like a guy who can have banter when having sex. We kiss some more, getting naked, he goes down on me after sucking on my nipples, he tries really hard to get me to cum but I just don’t think I am going to get there, so I pull him up & he slides on the condom before sliding into me. I feel a bit dry but it’s ok, he kisses me some more. He fucks me & I don’t cum with him, but he does. Once he’s done, he stays inside me for a long time, just chatting, I think it’s a a bit weird – maybe a bit initiate, why would he stay in me & on top of me to chat?! Most guys roll off right away. Noodle used to stay in me a little after but never this long.

I ask him how far he got out of town when he got my message. He said that he was just about to message me the same thing when he got mine. Oh, really?! I wonder if he was sitting outside of the hotel?! I kind of push him off me, he lays down on the bed next to me & continues to chat. He then says he has to go, he does have a 40 minute country drive at like 10:30 pm… We say goodbye at the hotel room door & I say to give me a message if he’s ever in Adelaide. I’m not really sure since the sex wasn’t that good. I keep him on my profile until I delete the app a few months later.

#IBD4U

Noddy #17

I wait a full day & a half for Noddy to have a clear head to message me… I am definitely not going to write to him now, I chat in the group as usual, I used to stop chatting when things weird with us, I even did that with Noodle, but fuck Noddy, I am not stopping something I enjoy! Shark told me that back with Noodle, I will take that advice now!

“I really don’t know how to say this in general but I’ll do my best in not trying to hurt you at all here…

I understand we had plans to stuff Saturday night, and I’m sorry that yeah you did get dropped in my priorities because I felt I had a bigger obligation to help a friend out in a shit situation instead of going out & leaving her alone in her mess…

& I understand your disappointment… But it’s who I am for my friends. I will always be there for them.

I’ve had so much going on you wouldn’t believe…

A friend commit suicide. Mother leave her husband… & I’m being there for them all.

So much so that I haven’t been home in days.

& I don’t know if we should keep doing this because all I do is disappoint you when I bail, & obviously it hurts but it’s just who I am. Maybe I am not good for you at all.”

Ok that’s not what I was expecting… Lets break it down, Yes I told him I was disappointed about him bailing but I also explained that I understand what he’s doing for her (If I believe her story) because I’ve done it several times & I said that I understood that he had to be there for her – I was never upset about him being there for her… But I obviously show that I was disappointed, because I was, I don’t want him to think I don’t care because I do want to see him…

But he hasn’t even talked to me, he’s ignored me for day… I mean yeah bail because you have something more important to attend to, be there for your friend, I understand that, I even said to him that I would do the same but for him to read my messages & not reply at all, then post cuddling snapchats with another chick in your bedroom & then say that you’ve not been home… Something is fishy here…

He’s also basically saying in that message that I will always be his second priority… I’ve been going through some shit this last week too & could’ve used his friendship, not him ghosting me… I thought he said a few days ago that he would be there for me if I needed him? Well this week has been fucked, my boss is micromanaging me to the point I cried, Max is also contacting me for fuck knows what reason & one of my best friends mum just died a couple of weeks after she had her baby. So yeah, I know what it’s like to need someone… But Noddy doesn’t even know any of this, he hasn’t even messaged me to see how I am… Ok, I know I sound selfish, but I matter too… Don’t I? I get he’s got a lot going on, but that doesn’t mean he can’t just message me. I messaged to see how he was, he didn’t even read it…

Another thing, I know nothing about ‘mother leaving her husband’, not sure what that means, his mother leaving his dad that he works for? Or a friends mother? What does he mean with that? I will probably never know…

As for saying he hasn’t been home in days, I call bullshit on that, he fucking posted a snapchat 2 nights ago in his bed (I know his quilt cover) with another chick, shirtless & cuddling like he did with me, so don’t pull that bullshit on me! He’s also posted snaps cuddling her the next night at his house, so what a fucking load of crap. I know that he’s probably saying it like a metaphor, but this still doesn’t stop him from sending me a quick message! Does it?

Saying that he doesn’t know if we should keep doing this is basically his way of trying to break up with me (If that’s even what’s he’s trying to do here) but making me do it… Why the fuck in the world do I not want too? Why do I want to reply & try to work on this….? Can we take a break & see what happens when things settle down for both of us? Should I just walk away from this, knowing we want different things? What the fuck Am I thinking here?

Noddy guard down

I don’t know what to write back, I know I don’t really want to have a text war, I mean it was shit that I only got emails with Noodle when we ended & that killed me… I want to see him but I’m afraid to see him… I’m afraid that he’ll say he doesn’t want to see me to sort it out, which I guess then is my answer…

I wake up the next morning really early again, fuck I hate not being able to sleep because he’s on my mind! I don’t know if I want to see him anymore… I draft him a message as I head to the dr’s… thinking this was the day I was going to ask him to have an STI check so we could stop using condoms…

“Thanks for your message.

Last night when I got it, all I wanted to do was meet up with you, to discuss this like adults & work on it because I really like you – a lot more than I ever thought I could…

But re reading it, I think it’s a bit of a cop out. The way I see it, it’s not up to you to decide if you’re good for me or not, that’s my decision. Your decision is if you want to make the effort with me or not…

I never said to you that you shouldn’t be there for your friends & not bail on me, I would be there for my friends too. So I don’t know where that is coming from. The problem is how you’ve acted since you bailed!!

I told you that I would drop everything if my best friend ever needed me, so I completely understand what you need to do with a DV survivor, more than you realise…

I get you’ve got a lot going on, I didn’t expect you to see me, but a reply to my message considering you say you like me so much, wouldn’t go astray! Just a little reassurance that I mean something to you.

However I’m not sure what to believe with you anymore… You’ve been clearly trying to send me a subtle message with your cuddly snapchats, knowing I would see them & it would hurt me…

That is so disrespectful & even though we’re not exclusive, you that knowing I would see it. That was premeditated to hurt me… I never thought you were that type of person. I honestly thought you were more mature than that… Everyone has been telling me what a good guy you are & I should give you a chance, but really Noddy, you didn’t need to snapchat those moments at all.

& now she’s on the chat app & in my group… Could you rub it in my face anymore? I won’t delete any of you because I do like Demon, but any sign of drama or disrespect & you’re all out.

I’m so fucking stupid for falling for your smooth lines – so many lines… that song you wrote… you acting like you like me… giving me your jumper… everything you did… I feel like a fucking fool..”

I actually wonder now, how much of it was real? I wonder if any of it was real? I also decide that after I send that message that I am going to send him this blog via email for him to read my side… Read it & understand why I have acted like I did… This was not an isolated event, Noddy has been bailing for weeks on every date we’ve made just about… I am pissed that all he’s taken from my messages is that I am annoyed he bailed… I don’t deny that I am upset he bailed – that wasn’t a deal breaker, but I am more upset about how he’s acted since he bailed… Not messaging me & sending sexy snapchats of someone else – regardless of if they are friends or lovers… He’s really fucked up by doing that… This was salvageable with a conversation with me about how pissed he is that I made him feel like shit when he bailed… But instead of talking to me about it, he chooses to send snapchats…

I hope that one day Noddy & I can be friends… I really liked him… I enjoyed spending time with him… But I can’t get the images out of my head of how cosy he is with her… I was always jealous of Demon, so I am not sure I can be the bigger person here over this chick when he is acting not interested in me anymore. I hope that he has the courage to read this & reply to me, but I’m not certain he will…

I guess like Noodle & I, the timing just isn’t right! I guess a silver lining, is that I’ve lost 4kgs in a week from not eating again! Hahaha… Yeah… Not funny!

Fuck I’m sad that chapter is over…

#IBD4U

Noddy #16

I decide to message Noddy on the Tuesday morning before I go away for work again, because I guess if I was dealing with my friend, I would appreciate a message from him to say that he’s thinking of me but knows I’m going through a hard time. So I bite the bullet & decide to actually message him first – even though we didn’t talk at all yesterday. “Hey Spark Plug, I have been trying to give you space since you’ve got a lot going on but just want to say hey & make sure you’re doing ok & things with your friend are better. I’m here to talk if you need me.” The whole day goes by & Noddy never looks at the message. Because things at work are fucking tense, I’m being micromanaged & my boss yelled at me this morning on the way to work, so much so that I had to tell him I would hang up if he kept going. I then actually cry on my long drive to the country when I keep getting messages from Max & not from Noddy… Maybe I like this guy more than I expected. Fuck… I let my fucking guard down too much! JESUS…

I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t read the message at all… I am not sleeping well because of this nor have I eaten, the ironic thing about that is that this is how I acted when Noodle & I ended… Could my feelings be more than I realise for this guy? If I can’t eat or sleep because he’s not messaging me? Am I falling for him?

I check my snapchat, usually I only look when someone sends me one, then I look at the stories but I’m bored & in a shitty hotel in the sticks over thinking, wondering what the fuck has happened with Noddy, when I see he’s posted something to his story, (Lets be honest, I don’t really understand snapchat! Hahaha.) However, it’s a picture of him in bed, laying down with his shirt off cuddling a chick. I obviously don’t know who the chick is, is it his ex-girlfriend or is it the “friend” he’s helping with the domestic violence situation? My gut drops, my heart starts pounding, I am losing my cool, is this a panic attack? I feel like I am going to vomit. I don’t know what to do. My first instinct is to just delete him & delete him from the group… FUCK you Noddy! I know we’re not exclusive, but fucking hell!!! He obviously wanted me to see this… But I don’t delete him… I decide to write him a message on snapchat. “Wow Noddy, what a way to find out… I thought I deserved better from you…” I am really fucking hurt… More than I thought I would be… I feel like a fucking twat! I had my guard up with this guy, knowing there was red flag after red flag… I finally let my guard down after everything with Noodle & I did it with another douche guy!

Look I know that we are not exclusive, but this guy has been so vocal about how much he likes me, how he doesn’t want to scare me off, I mean when I read back over this blog, he wrote me a fucking song!! He’s talked about our future… He’s been so keen… More than I have… Now look… I’m the idiot sitting here crying over another wanker

Noddy overthink overlove

The next day I get a message from him “Hey, look my snap isn’t what it seems… That’s the girl you know I’m helping… I am sick of sleeping on the couch so yeah it’s my bed & we are good mates… Yeah shit happens… I won’t argue about this… All I’ll say is I’m sorry it looks like that. But yeah… I have a lot to say… But don’t know how to say it. So I think it’s best I clear my head before I chat about it.” I decide not to respond, I want to hear what he has to say without my comments… What could he possibly have to say to me? But sitting there with my heart pounding, my gut churning… Even if I believe that the snap is not what it seems, why send it…? He knows I am friends with him on there & would see it when he hasn’t written back to my message… I think regardless of what he says, he wanted me to see it & wants to piss me off… I’m just not sure why? Maybe because I was upset he bailed & didn’t make another time to see me? He thinks he’s in the right? I don’t know… I do write back despite knowing that I shouldn’t “Well I’d obviously like to hear what you have to say still, but the way I see it… You used me as a rebound… You spouted all the “we” stuff that I hate – I got attached to you after you persisted in breaking down my barriers by telling me how much you want/like me, how amazing I am, even writing me a song! Against my better judgement I let down my guard with you even though there were red flags everywhere… Then you pull away but continue to say you really like me & thought you were falling for me… I actually really liked you Noddy. But yeah, when your head is clear, message me” He reads it but I never hear back. FFS!

The next morning, I wake up to find that a new chick has joined the group & is very familiar with Demon. It’s her – the chick in the snapchat, 1 day on the chat app with her face as her profile pic… WTF? There are also 2 more snapchats of Noddy & the chick hugging looking very cosy… I delete him from my snapchat, this is not healthy for me to keep looking at it, he’s clearly using it to piss me off – I don’t know why… I again can’t eat, or sleep… My heart is constantly beating out my chest… I think I am having a panic attack… This is how it felt when Noodle told me shit about his partner after we ended or I saw something about them from someone else… I really didn’t realise I liked this guy so much, or is it just the disrespectful way he’s going about ending it with me that’s making me feel like this? What a fucking child! I thought he wanted to be friends if this ‘fling’ ever ends… Yeah I remember him saying that…

I’m also watching Demon & the snapchat girl chat in the group like they’ve known each other for years… I see some red flags with this story… Demon also says that she’s watching this chick fuck her new man? Really? Someone just of a DV relationship is already fucking someone else? & it seems like she’s also had him before?! This is fucking weird… What the hell is going on!?

I’m driving to work in the country, when a best friend calls me & is crying, I think something has happened to her 3 week old baby, so I am crying before she can get it out that it’s her mum, she’s just passed away & all I can think is that I want Noodle to hug me. I never cry & it’s twice in a week!! WTF why do I want Noodle… It’s been over 6 months since we last spoke.

Another friend tells me when I’m talking to them about what has happened, that after the first Switch where Noddy disappeared, he apparently did spend the night with Demon, my friend tells me that there’s no proof they fucked, but it was clear Demon stayed at his house… Well now I feel like even more of a fuckwit, I hate feeling foolish… I trusted Demon this whole time… I thought she was on my side. I am hurt even more because I really like her… I thought she was trying to get Noddy to see he should be with me, not trying to fuck him. She also had a partner, who I don’t think she was open with at the time, so I’m not sure about this information. But just another red flag I ignored – I knew in my gut there was something about their friendship… I just knew but I didn’t want to be a jealous idiot, so I pushed it aside, knowing he’s told me how much he likes me!

So… Another thought, I don’t want to be insensitive here or seems like I don’t believe this snapchat chicks story, but firstly when my best friend got out of a domestic violent relationship, she deleted all social media & hid from the world, she went to a shelter & wouldn’t stay with me because she didn’t want him to know where she was… She wasn’t creating a chat app account with her full face as her profile picture or sending shapchats. She went into hiding! Secondly she definitely couldn’t fuck anyone else for months as she was scared to be with anyone… But this chick is fucking someone else’s partner within a few days, while seemingly in a 3sum? I hate to say it, but I am not sure I believe this story! I believe she’s told Noddy she was beaten by her partner, but she’s not really showing the signs of it, in my experience… I am trying not to judge, but there is something off about this story! I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Let’s think about this too… I’ve known Noddy for maybe 6-8 weeks, in that time this is the list of things he’s been though:

  • Broken toe
  • Cold/sniffles
  • Mum’s car accident with broken rib
  • A friend was beaten up by her partner & put in hospital
  • Ex-girlfriend messaging him to get back with him
  • His car accident
  • His car breaking down, twice
  • A friend committed suicide
  • Helped friend with domestic violence situation

I really hate to say it & I hate to be untrusting of him, but can all that be true in the short time that I’ve known him? I get that some people have drama filled lives, I mean you only have to read this blog to know my life is a comedy act but can all that seriously have happened? & his breakup & trying to commit suicide himself, would this many people really be leaning on him at his fragile time? He’s still working on himself! I actually feel for him & want to hug him more! However, I can’t do that if he always bails, when will he let me be there for him?

Also, I knew there were red flags, this guy has them coming out of every orifice…

  • Just got out of a long term relationship – 4 weeks before we met
  • Doesn’t want to be in a relationship
  • Tried to kill himself – 3 weeks before we met
  • Smokes weed, every night plus who knows what other drugs he taken since knowing me
  • 10 years younger than me (not that big of a deal now but could be!)

I knew there was a lot with this guy that I wasn’t sure of, I never thought with everything he’d been though that he’d be so disrespectful to me. I at least thought I deserved better from him… I told him in the beginning, that I didn’t want to be his rebound, he reassured me that I wouldn’t ever be that… He also said he wanted to be friends if we ended, that hurt me when he said it but now… Could I be friends with him after he’s been disrespectful?

What bothers me is that he’ll probably keep coming to Switch & bring this new chick even though he’d planned on coming to stay at mine, it is also the long weekend I’m going away with other friends that I was going to invite him too… I also have tickets to a DJ thing in July that I was planning to invite him too… I am fucking stupid for thinking about the future with him, I was even thinking that when I go to Melbourne in September with Ripples, he could come… I was planning way too much! Originally all I wanted was a guy I could fuck without a condom when I have this STI check & pap smear in a week, but he made me want more with his smooth talking & FUCK me, I fell for it like an actual factual wanker!

#IBD4U

Guest Blog: Stop Blaming The Other Woman

A friend shared this with me the other night, obviously I have been the other woman, more than once. & like I said to Noodle a few times, why is his partner SO angry at me & not at him? He always said she was angry at him, but she had so much anger towards me – wanted to bash me up & I guess she did hit him & threaten him with weapons… But also like I said to Noodle, so many times, that I am single, I am allowed to be on dating apps, chat apps & talking to anyone I want… He is not, therefore I am not the problem.

I am not saying I am completely innocent here either so don’t misunderstand me, I went into things with some men knowing full well what the deal was, that he had a partner, but I’m sure there are others who lied to me & said they were single but weren’t & that’s why they disappeared…

If a man or woman for that matter, is in a “committed” relationship & they are online chatting to other people, meeting other people or fucking other people, the person that becomes the mistress isn’t the problem. This is an amazing article & really hits home for me – of course!

“Ladies, stop blaming the ‘other woman’. She didn’t cheat on you. He did.”

Not a single day goes by that I don’t see someone talking about what they would do to the other woman or how another woman better not talk to their significant other. I see women blaming the other women for their man’s indiscretions.

The side chick isn’t your problem. Your man is, and you’re making it worse.

Ladies, you’re not dating the other woman. You’re not married to the mistress. She isn’t the person who cheated on you, so she’s not your problem.

Why isn’t she your problem?

Your man is a cheater, and you need to stop blaming the other woman for his bad behaviour. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. It will be someone else in the future because the problem will remain the same. It’s your man.

When you blame someone else, you’re telling him it’s not his fault. You’re telling him he can’t help himself. You’re training him to believe it’s expected of him.

Whether you realise it or not, you’re telling him it’s okay because he has no control over his actions. When you go after the other woman, you’re showing him you blame her.

You’re telling him you don’t hold him responsible for cheating even though he was the person who cheated on you. You’re teaching him to keep on cheating, and you’re looking foolish for not placing the blame where it belongs.

The other woman didn’t cheat on you. He did.

She wasn’t the person who did you wrong. He was.

The other woman didn’t break your trust. He did.

Don’t tell me she knew better because she knew he wasn’t single. He made the decision to cheat knowing he wasn’t single. The other woman didn’t force him to cheat. Women aren’t out there holding guns to their heads to make these men cheat. He made a decision, and he made that decision knowing how it would affect you.

Going after the other woman does two things. It tells him it’s expected that he can’t control himself, and it lets him know you’re not going to hold him responsible for his actions.

Sure. You may huff and puff at him for a little bit, but you’re going to focus on the other woman. You’re showing him he can cheat with little repercussion.

You’re showing him you’ll hold a complete stranger responsible for your heartache before you’ll hold the actual culprit accountable. You’re teaching him it’s okay to cheat.

Sit back and think about who hurt you. You don’t care about her, so she can’t hurt you. He’s the one you care about. He’s the one who hurt you. His actions are what caused you pain.

The other woman doesn’t matter. She could have been anybody. It will be another woman next time, and he’ll still be the person cheating on you.

Stop teaching men they can’t control themselves and aren’t to blame. Stop teaching them to blame others for their own actions. Stop enabling cheaters and start holding them accountable for their choices. Otherwise, you’re just teaching him to cheat on you.

Here is the link to the article. https://www.msn.com/en-au/lifestyle/familyandrelationships/ladies-stop-blaming-the-other-woman-she-didnt-cheat-on-you-he-did/ar-BBZNsd9?ocid=sf2

Simply Amazing & 100% true!

#IBD4U

Max #12

I can’t even… Yes… Max is back! I am having a shit time at work, I am being micromanaged like you wouldn’t believe, so I am on edge about that… Noddy hasn’t been chatting as much, even before his DV friend came along & all I want is for him to message me. So when I see Max’s face pop up on my Facebook messenger I think what the fuck does he want!

“Hi, you probably don’t want to talk to me again, but I wanted to check, I’d like to be friends still. Kinda don’t really have any friends and could really use one” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. So I know Sweetie isn’t happy & they’ve been on & off again, that she’s seeing someone else & I know they’ve been fighting about the fact she’s seeing a guy & he’s not seeing anyone… I guess the tables have turned & he doesn’t like it! I stare at it for ages & don’t know what to say to him… “Hey, while I have no hard feelings about you & don’t have any problems with talking to you, I also don’t want to be used now because you need a friend…!” I’m surprised that he takes some time to write back to be honest. “Fair enough, I deserve that. I haven’t been a very good friend to anyone” Did he really think we were friends? “I mean, we fucked for like 6 months & you weren’t even that good of a friend to me… So I guess I’m not jumping out of skin to give you any more of my time with not even an apology or anything” Like he doesn’t even apologise to me or even show any remorse! “I’m sorry for being a shitty friend. I thought we were friends. I guess I spent so much time on work I don’t even know if I’ve ever been a friend to anyone” Uhhh dur! I was sick of hearing how busy he was at work, remember! “We were friends till you started treating me like I was an option & taking me for granted… You’d do sweet things, like the tied ladybug at the wrong time then never spoke to me again” Remember the tied up ladybug in my letterbox after I get death threats from Noodle’s partner? “I spoke to you to wish you a happy birthday, you’d already blocked me. But your point is valid… I didn’t make any effort and I’m sorry for that. I wanted a friend but I didn’t want to be one. Was selfish of me.” I don’t read it, so that he can see I’ve read it, & I don’t write back till morning.

Max right attention wrong individual

I go to sleep thinking that the lady bug in my letter box… That was like 2 months before my birthday! 2 months between messages, means we’re friends?! REALLY?! I can’t even believe I am replying at this point, what the fuck is wrong with me… This guy didn’t treat me well, he didn’t treat his wife well… Why am I replying? “I never blocked you. I made a new chat app account… You only ever put in effort till you got what you wanted despite what I wanted…” He asks if I’d be kin enough to forgive him, but look at this point, why should I & what would I get out of this if I did forgive him? I mean I know that Sweetie isn’t happy with him & seeing someone else, so now he’s contacting me because they aren’t happy together? I don’t reply the hours later he tells me that he’s scattered from now sleep. I finally write back “I know… I’m not Sweetie. I won’t put up with bullshit. Though I’m so surprised I actually put up with your bullshit for 6 months… Guess that’s what kinky sex does for me… Turns me into an idiot!” He says’s we’ve all been idiots for sex at some point. then asks “If you’re not busy this weekend, would you like to come to play VR in town & maybe grab some lunch or a coffee?” Would I? I mean do I want to get entwined with this guy again? I mean I really liked him, I definitely cared for him a lot, maybe I cared too much, that’s why it hurt me so much when he stopped talking to me, I mean I had Noodle & was in WAY to deep with him after just a couple of conversations, so of course that hurt way more, but I did like Max, he was good for me at the time. I actually enjoyed our time together & I actually have to thank him because I think if I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have believed that Noodle loved me… Hard to explain but I felt pretty worthless for most of my life towards men, wasn’t until Max that I realised a guy could actually like me. If that makes sense?

Anyway, I tell Max that I can’t commit to seeing him right now but he says that he wasn’t even expecting a reply from me & so he’s just happy that I did message him. I don’t want to ghost anyone, but I don’t reply. The next day he sends a hello & happy hump day, but I ignore it. The next day he sends “Went to the big wooden playground after dark. Have to say it looks a bit like a big wooden kinky dungeonI don’t reply but I send a laughing emoji reaction back to his message. I can’t help but think that it would be fun to go to the wooden playground after dark, but I just can’t think about Max right now. I have Noddy, super cute & fun Noddy (albeit he’s being a bit of a douche right now.) I don’t want to jeopardise anything with Noddy for Max – especially since I know that Max will probably just stop chatting to me in a few weeks, or fuck me then lose interest again.

He messages me when I am about to go on a date & we chat about that, I don’t know why I am oversharing, maybe to make him jealous, I don’t know… I guess I don’t want Max, however, I don’t want him, but I don’t want him to want anyone else. I am so standoffish that I don’t know why he keeps writing to me, he writes long sentences, I write back “Hey” & nothing else.

I ignore several messages Good morning cutie  🐱 🌹 hope you had some fun this weekend, and got some rest aswell, so you can smash through next week 🤸& then other messages that he was at megazone with the kids – wow he does stuff with the kids on his own? Over the course of the next week, these are the messages I ignore…

  • Oh hey! I’m in Melbourne till Wednesday, it’s so fkn cold here!!
  • Beer o’clock!
  • Planes are funner with some intoxication 🙃
  • Hey! Any crazy plans tonight?
  • Come bowling with me
  • Had a good weekend?

Then late at night, my phone keeps buzzing, I get a series of messages from him… I don’t even want to look at them TBH. Cozy in bed ready for a good sleep before work starts tomorrow? You know what would be good before going to sleep? Tying you to you bed and running my fingers up and down your body. Teasing you to cum, over and over, for maybe a couple of hours. A week at work is easier after cumming a dozen times

😘
. I’m hoping you see these popup on your notification, and you’re just ignoring me in spite. You want me to beg to tease you? You know you loved it, that’s why I loved it so much, because how much you enjoyed being tied down and teased. I want to tie you down and whisper dirty things into your ear… Tell you what a sexy little slut you are, and all the things I’m going to do to you. If you happen to be horny when you read this, message me and unlock the door, and I’ll sneak in and grab you, and have my way with you. Just say, yes Max” OMFG!!!
I snap “I’m really not sure what to say to you Max. I don’t want to ignore you because I am not that type of person. But I don’t want to get involved with a married man again, especially one who only talks to me when convenient for him…”

He snaps back All the time I only talked to you when ”convenient”, you didn’t initiate a conversation at all. If you don’t want anything to do with me, say so simply and I will stop messaging. But don’t add in the especially because rubbish” OH FFS.

“I don’t initiate messages with you because you’re married!!! I put in effort when I was seeing you 2 years ago & got hurt. I’m sick of being the 108463 priority for you… Rubbish or not, that’s how I feel.”
“You just make it so complicated. You want me to message you and to be my top priority, but you don’t to message me first because I’m married. I just want simple fwb, chats sometimes, dates sometimes, fucks sometimes. Can’t that work?” Yeah it can work, but when will I be the one that get married? Why do I always have to settle for married me?
We don’t talk for a few weeks after that, but then we talk about switch & how I’ve been going on a regular basis.
We talk sporadically, he says happy birthday & then we stop talking again. It’s done with Max now, I haven’t heard from him in over 6 months. I see him driving by my house every now & then, I drive past his work almost every day to work so he’s never 100% out of my mind.

#IBD4U

Noddy #15

Noddy & I talk about how sensitive we both get when we are tickling each other’s skin or playing with each other’s hair. He says that drives him nuts he gets so turned on, that even just thinking about it with me, he got a shiver up his spine. “Erg… I’m actually all squirmy now.. hehe fuck… I want you” Yeah I want you too Noddy! Didn’t he tell me he’d get in the car? Why isn’t he getting in the car?! He knows I want sex daily, so he knows how sexual I am, that I think this will be the first time we actually have text sex… He sends me a picture & as I go to open it, I assume it’s going to be his dick, he then says “I bet u thought that was gonna be my dick ahaha” Yeah, I definitely did! I say that at this point with him, it wouldn’t bother me, in fact I think his cock would turn me on… But he sends me a naked chest pic next, then 2 seconds later one of him rugged up in his dressing gown. I say he doesn’t need the dressing gown as he is so hot when he sleeps. He says that he usually sleeps in boxers or naked. He pretty much has always put clothes on at my house, I’ve slept naked with him, but he’s always sleeping with clothes on. I think it’s a little weird “hahah I know, lol.. I’m not used to being in another woman’s bed naked for the night” I’m like you’ve slept here many times, I’m not a strange woman. But he says that he wears boxers in case something happens… What the fuck would happen? I say “Good night strange man” & he says “What about spark plug” I tell him that he’s no longer spark plug but strange boy. I tell him that I am not strange but normal. He says “ Fuck off – Normal my ass” but then says he has to start work. I tell him that this convo is not over, I want to know why I am not over. He says “Well for a start you like me… that’s strange ahahaha. Don’t like cuddles, peanut butter… Need I continue” Fuck well that backfired… I wasn’t expecting him to have anything to say to that! Hahaha… I tell him that he gets a lot of cuddles from someone who doesn’t like cuddles… I also tell him “I’m always attached to people who make me laugh, so it’s not unfathomable that I would like you.. Plus you’re alright on the eyes.” I am always attracted to people who can make me laugh, this guy makes me laugh via text out loud & constantly in person…

Instantly he messages me saying he lost respect for someone in the group because he actually read her message about cheating wrong. She was being sarcastic but he read it as if she meant it. I have to explain to him that she didn’t mean it that way & he calms down a bit… WOW he really is against cheating. I mean he should be of course, I know that he was cheated on, but the fact that he will cut people pretty easily is very interesting. I need to be careful with the Noodle story.

I have just learned that Demon broke up with her partner on Mothers day, I am friends with the partner & he’s been chatting to me about it. He’s unsure if she cheated on him or not, she’s told him that she has another guy but refuses to dignify that with an answer, I mean he’s upset she won’t tell him, but it’s not going to help if he knows or not. I guess I am a bit scared at first that she’s with Noddy, but it’s not him… Why am I so jealous of her relationship with Noddy? He’s met her family & stuff, maybe that’s what it is? I wonder if Noddy knows the truth, I wonder if she did cheat & how he feels about it?

I tell him that messaging is hard, so I prefer face to face but that can be confronting. He agrees, I tell him that I was emailing Noodle for months after we ended but if we just had a conversation then it would’ve been done with. He tells me that he’s still messaging his ex about the house & stuff, I feel another pang of jealously. I tell him that I am here to chat if he needs. It’s true I will listen but I am scared that he’ll take me up on that offer & I don’t want to be jealous of his ex-girlfriend… Thinking dumb thoughts, like what if he goes back etc. “Yeah. Trust me, I’ll message you to rant about it hahaha” I say that I am happy to listen anytime. “Yeah its good… Just to know I can message you about anything. And just talk about shit.” I’m so glad he sees me as someone he can talk too…

He decides that I need pictures galore of him to save in my Noddy file. They look a little older, when he seems really skinny, I think perhaps maybe because of drugs, I’m not sure… But he looks much better now. I ask him about his workmates because he is constantly sending me selfie pictures throughout the day, he says that they just laugh but he doesn’t care.

It’s the night before we supposed to catch up, he’s disappeared & not chatting to me or in groups, but when he comes back online he says “Hey… sorry… had a fucked night… Just got a call & my mate is heading down from Berri, she’s run away from a DV relationship” This brings up bad memories for me, I have helped my friend a few times, once her & the kids were dropped off at my house by the police, another time she was living in a shelter for ages, unable to live with me because her partner knows where I live & I wasn’t allowed to know where the shelter was either. I even left work to take her to the police station. I say I hope she’s ok. “I dunno… she called in tears so I said just come here. She can stay the night & talk if she needs” Well that’s good she’s got him, not much else he can do, unfortunately she may make stupid decisions he doesn’t agree with… He tells me he could never raise an unconsented hand to a women, I tell him it’s a vicious cycle & that my best friend hasn’t spoken to me for 4 months, I think mainly because she doesn’t want to see me because she went back to him, but I also think he isolates her by degrading her & making her feel worthless. He apologises for bringing up this & upsetting me. I say that I’ve been dealing with it for 10 years so I am ok, but I didn’t want to make this about me. I guess I just wanted him to know I can help & would be there if he needed advice. He stops replying, I go to sleep, assuming she got to his house.

I wake up I the morning to a message at 4:31 am “Alright… She’s finally crashed out after crying for hours. I’m gonna try to get a few hours sleep before work at 9. Working from home so not so bad” I know this is really really selfish of me, but I know he’s going to bail on me for our movie night… I say good morning & wish his friend well, he says good morning gorgeous says he got a bit of sleep, that he has his mate coming over with his car & that he hopes I have a good day. I had a busy as fuck morning, so I finally write back saying that I’m looking forward to relaxing with him tonight – knowing that he is going to have to bail, which sucks. “Hey at this stage hun she doesn’t have anywhere to go so I said she could stay here a few days.” It’s also almost 1:00 pm & he says his friend has only just dropped his car off & it’s a 6 hour job… So there goes my evening, even if she doesn’t let him go – which surely she wouldn’t want to come between him & the chick he’s seeing. I know my friend would be mortified if she fucked up my plan because she needed me… Not that I mind, but she would be horrified. I can’t hide my disappointment, I knew she would stay there but I figured he’d be able to leave her… Doesn’t she have family or other friends? Running form a domestic violence situation, you wouldn’t want to be around men – I know my friend was scared of all men for a while. Noddy says that he’s rather not leave her with his roommates. “I’m sorry hun can I come see you tomorrow for a coffee date or something just to see you before you have to go this week?” Well at least he wants to make it up to me… I say yeah fair enough, he probably should stay there with her. But I let him off the hook for tomorrow saying that I doubt he’ll be able to leave her so see how he goes…

Noddy trust you when i fall

I go out that night because I’m not going to sit at home alone feeling shit that I was bailed on. Yes a legit reason, so I am not upset about that, I am more upset that he doesn’t even seem to care that he’s bailed on me… Maybe he does, but if I had to bail, I’d be so apologetic & would be locking in the next time… Didn’t he tell me he would lock in the next time? He’d never bail on a woman? He replies as I’m on my way out at 8:00 pm telling me she’s be crying all day, he took her to the police but she wouldn’t go in. He said he’s trying to work on her being ok with his housemates which she seems to be doing well.

I write back on my way home… “I’m glad you’re being there for her, I totally understand & makes me like you more for being a good friend… But I can’t hide my disappointment that I’m always the thing you deprioritise when something happens… So while I’m trying not to seem bitchy, I’m sorry if I am. I’m genuinely upset too” I want him to know that I am sad about him not seeing me. I am not at all trying to make him feel bad. I actually like this side that he is such a good friend… I just hate that it always seems to be at my expense. He reads the message & never replies… Ok so we’re back to that!?

#IBD4U