Speed Dating #4

Oh good fucking god, what am I doing this for!

Well let me tell you why… T**y is a fucking wanker, Noodle is married… I am so fucking alone & I want someone in my life, I deserve someone in my life. Don’t I? Despite some of the shit things I have done in my dating life, I am surely not the worst person in the world & I should have a partner… Right? So when I get a text from the company who I haven’t used in years, asking if I’d like to come along to a speed dating event for free with a friend, I think why the hell not. I ask a friend to come with me who I’d casually thrown the idea around with no long before this & she decides to come along too.

It’s a bit out of my (& hers) usual age bracket, men 35-53 so there will be people I am 100% not interested in – I am not into older men at all, ironically because when I was younger I was obsessed with the man being older than me, but pretty much no one besides Boyfriend has really been older than me! Hahaha. But I am sure that there will be people that I will not be attracted too in this age bracket, but there could be the one I want to date too. The diamond in the rough!  

Remember I know a couple who met at speed dating & I are still together 15+ years later, who have just had their third kid together, so I guess this is why I keep going back, you know I may just find that one spark!? All you need is one mutual spark right?!

I’m going again with a skinny, very pretty friend – who’s recently single but prefers women, who has the same niche job as me but we work for different organisations. We met at our old job a few years back & we haven’t ever really been out socially before so I am looking forward to it. I am not sure why I thought speed dating was a good idea for a girls night out, but here we are!

I feel like I look good, I am feeling super confident. The outfit has gone together well, my hair is playing nice… I am really confident – something that I am not often. My friend arrives & looks amazing – annoyingly effortlessly amazing when I have tried so hard. It bursts my confident bubble a little bit… But I intend to keep this confident stride for this evening.

Anyway we get to the venue, no one immediately catches my eye of someone I want to chat too or can’t wait to get the five minute date with. We grab a drink & head outside to scope out the competition. I reckon we’re in the top percentage out of the women, which also makes me feel confident but no man really catches my eye at all. FUCK.

As we settle in for date after date after date after fucking date, I realise that there probably isn’t anyone here for me… I have good banter with some, good chats with others, but there is no real chemistry at all. I tick a few friends but no one for relationship but you never know outside this setting it may click in place.

I had instant chemistry with Noodle online & in person, I can’t ever expect that again. I believe that is rare, so I must take that into consideration & give these guys a fair go.

As we have a break, I scoff some food & drink another wine, I have more fun talking to my friend than I do having a million mini dates with random men. But the night continues & doesn’t for me get any better!

I tick a few men as friends but walk away deflated… FUCK yet another waste of time… Well not a waste of time – I got a blog out of it… But in the interest of finding a partner, it was a waste of time… Even though I don’t really care about these men, I still wait impatiently by my emails the next day, constantly checking, even checking my junk box & waiting for the email that tells me who I actually matched with.

Waiting for the email always sucks – it’s torture… Absolute torture! It comes just before 5:00 pm & I have to say, I am so fucking shocked that there are NO matches at all… WOW… As if my self-esteem wasn’t low enough already, this is another blow. Why the fuck did I even go to this stupid event?!

I only ticked friend to 5 guys so I wasn’t expecting a lot of matches anyway, I mean the max I could get would be 5 anyway right but fucking hell, not one of the guys I ticked friend even saw me as a friend!? Not one guy?! Fuck me… I must be a complete dud!

My friend only ticked date to one guy who she matched with. Right then… I guess it’s not all bad, I did have 5 men say yes to me, she had 11 say yes to her… This is worse than I thought…. Why did I go?! OMG… I feel like shit. Only 5 out of 20 men liked me! OMG. I don’t even know what to say anymore… Perfect strangers with pixie ears are hurting my feelings now! (Disclaimer – I wrote that sentence with “pixie ears” right after I went speed dating & now almost a year later, I do not get the reference, but it made me giggle so I left it in! I’m assuming a guy had weird ears?! I don’t really know.)

I try to laugh it off with my friend as we chat about it, I make jokes, but I am actually hurt about this… Am I seriously that ugly? Or make that bad of a first impression!?

I need to go back to 2020 of no sex…

This is soul destroying!

2020 can only get better…

HOW FUCKING WRONG WAS I?!

This is the actual email… How depressing!

#IBD4U

T**y #5

So I’m a fucking bitch! You can say it, I won’t be offended! Obviously nothing you guys can say will offend me at this point in my story, I’ve heard it all! Maybe though, this is why my karma is so bad with men! Hahaha… I have this guy in such a vulnerable position & I am not sorry about it. He’s a twat, he’s lied about his name & lied about his relationship status. I’m so stupid for thinking this guy is single. I knew there was something not right about him. I just knew it… I’ve been told I’m intuitive & I should trust it… I never do & look where I end up, a dick in my mouth that’s attached to yet another liar.

FUCK though – the look on his face… He sits up & I just keep sucking, it’s like some sort of movie… You know the scene in Swordfish when Hugh Jackman is getting a blowjob with a gun to his head?! Well this is sort of like that, although that wasn’t my aim or my intention, it just sort of happened like that. Looking back on it now, I feel a little bad for him & also realise what an unsafe position I have put myself in too… There could be an explanation for his relationship status on Facebook. Maybe they just broke up? Maybe they’re on a break? I’ll probably get a lie from him saying either of those things when in actual fact they are probably still together…

To my surprise, he says that she doesn’t suck his cock much & definitely not like I do, he says that he loves how I suck his cock (Another glowing review!) but he stops me now & we sit to chat… Well I have two choices, I’ve already fucked the guy so no matter what he’s already cheated on her. We end up having sex & then go outside once we’re dressed & talk some more. I really like this guy, obviously now he’s going to be nothing but a friend but at least I know & am not being lied too constantly. He says that they’ve been together six months (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!), he’s just moved in with her as he’s selling his house (that explains the two addresses bullshit) & he’s also cheated on her before (SERIOUSLY!). He tells me that she knows about the other woman & chose to stay with him but as she’s a nurse doing mainly nightshifts he’s always by himself at night. He says that they live with her sister & her boyfriend so she is always spying on him otherwise he would stay over the night. He leaves & I think that I’m never going to hear from him again. No big loss, though he is a funny guy, I knew there was something too good to be true about him though!

The next day I get a message from him saying I freaked him out but if I am happy to be his friend, hang out casually he won’t lie or spin bullshit to me, I explained that I hate being lied too & hate tht bullshit even more.

He invites himself over one night, messaging for hours that he’s on his way, I ask him if he means real time or T**y time? He laughs & tells me that he’s never on time… This is about when I think this dude is on something… I am pretty sure he’s off his head on drugs. When he ricks up at my house I am in bed because it’s 10:00 pm on a Wednesday night, he’s been messaging since I finished work saying another or hour or he’ll be a few minutes etc. We do have sex, good sex but he doesn’t cum at all – another sign that there is something up with this dude & drugs. I have YouTube on & he starts picking songs & we lay there just cuddling. TO be honest, even though I know he’s with someone else it’s really nice just laying there with someone. I hate that I want this for myself… FUCK.

Another night, maybe the next night or a few days later, he comes over, it’s a hot summer night & we’re sitting outside chatting, just like mates, having a few beers. He asked to have a shower at my house which I am ok with, however he leaves his razor & shower gel behind in the bathroom… He also leaves a bunch of groceries behind & a friend jokes that he’s moving in – preparing for when she kicks him to the kerb… OMG – I never thought of that but maybe he was subtly leaving things behind on purpose?!

Again I am sure that he is off his head on drugs but I am honestly just enjoying the company when he suggests that we sit outside naked. It’s a beautiful night outside & so we both get undressed, I feel a bit awkward as I strip off my clothes but sitting on my back stairs naked with beer when he kisses me & makes a move obviously we have sed on the stairs, its probably the most painful position I’ve ever fucked in… Have you ever fucked on wooden deck stairs?! We then move over to the chairs outside & he decides to bend me over my car bonnet & fuck me against it, which somehow makes me squirt – the squirt stains the cement & is there for a long time before it washes or wears away! When I’m being bitten by mosquitoes, I decide to go inside, it’s a weeknight again & I am wondering when he’ll go home but we go into my bedroom & I laze around sleepily on the bed, he cuddles me for a bit while he choses songs on YouTube, picking random Usher songs & then he jumps up out of bed & starts dancing around my room… It’s 3:00 am, what the fuck is this dude on! I am not opposed to drugs, I’ve taken my fair share however it is a week night, I am not sure why this man has taken anything to come dance in my bedroom. When he sees that I am sleepy, he decides to go home. He says that he’ll see me around which is our usual goodbye.

The next night he says that he’s going to come over but as I am waiting for ages for him again as usual – not that I’m doing anything at home anyway but then he says that he’s cleaning his house & can’t come to mine but I’m welcome to come to his house that he’s selling & hang out. I figure why not, when he says that he’s out getting drinks but asks me  to bring everything besides the vodka, I also pack up his left over groceries & take them with me, no way is this man thinking he’s got me as his fall back when she dumps his sorry ass… I don’t think I’ve told you either but he lost his job, to be honest he’s the type that is so hard done by, the type that no job is good enough for him. He’s got the woe is me attitude, that the world owes him something, that he should be in a better job but his bosses are cunts, not that he isn’t a hard worker or putting in effort… He doesn’t see what he does but I can sort of see why he was fired.

I get to his house, it’s again another hot late January night, I pull up no the other side of the road… His house is in a new estate, one of those estates where people all park on the road as their long skinny houses are too small to hold all their crap so their garages are full of all the shit. His house is a long skinny house & I walk in & it’s really nice, but I instantly recognise that it’s been styled by a stylist. But it looks a bit off – her cards are on the kitchen bench & OMG the house is kind of a disaster… He has some cleaning products & while he’s putting up a shelf ( that I don’t really understand why he needs a shelf in the laundry to sell the house, I go with it) & then I start cleaning. I am cleaning this fuckers house… It’s open tomorrow & it’s a disaster. The stylist is clearly on crack, the house isn’t clean – like cupboard doors, bathrooms & floors need a huge clean… I pour some vodkas & just get to cleaning. Where the fuck is this guys family?! Where the fuck is this guys girlfriend?! Why isn’t anyone helping him?! Clearly he’s drowning in his to do list… I feel so sorry for him… So the fuck wit I am, I stay at his house & help… I help clean & we end up spending house rearranging the furniture to make it more functional, this is when I suggest that he needs some colour in the bathroom, like my green towels – next minute we’re in my car, he’s driving because I refuse & we’re driving back to my place to get pretty much everything from my beautifully styled bathroom & we’re taking it back – including live plants – to his house to restyle the already styled house… WTF! I am such a wanker…

#IBD4U

Noodle #60

I hope the title got your attention!

For those who’ve been with me for a few years, you probably never thought you’d see this name again – did you?! I thought it only fitting for this post, that it be named Noodle, not Silverlining even though it kills me still to say Noodle… Before you get excited or angry, whatever your reaction to a Noodle post, hear me out!

A week post sending my video to what he’s known as at the time, Silverlining, I check all the apps daily waiting for a message as his last words to me were “I’ll chat to you when I can” so I wait & wait for the message to ask me how I am or whatever he might say… But I get nothing. I can only assume that he’s not watched the heart wrenching goodbye video, or he wouldn’t have said that – surely. Also I know she sleeps like 23 hours a day so he has time to chat to me even if she is off for 3 weeks, so he is choosing not too… Good for him for being strong. Maybe he did watch the video of me crying my goodbye to him. However I can’t help but doubt my decision to end it so abruptly. Things are not good for me in ALL other areas of my life & they haven’t gotten better now I’ve cut him off… I can’t help but wonder, was he really the problem?!  

Having asked that question, I realise that I am not the type of woman to stalk someone by heading to their gym to see if their car is there, like I did on that fateful day when I ended it, so I knew it was the time to cut it off, no matter how much it hurt – it hurts with every heartbeat. I made the right decision based on my actions, but now I think I realise that my actions were just a by product of other things happening my 9-5 life.

I also notice around this time or a few weeks later, that he’s deleted his Fetlife (kinky Facebook) account – the one thing, the one social media that we had, that we’d said years before that we had that we could find each other in the future, he’s now deleted it – or worse blocked me on it. I can’t stop crying about this. I am heartbroken all over again. I have nothing left to find him on, chat to him or see him on. That hurts me a lot to be perfectly honest!

I notice that he’s changed him name on the anonymous app too, I’m not sure when he did that, but I notice it when I send him a Christmas message, I can’t help myself when I am drunk & sad but I then send him a new years message & then again, I send him something for his birthday in early 2020, which a few days after new year’s. But they never send to him. He never reads them… They sit at sending forever… Maybe he took my advice & finally got off the chat app. I hope that he has, but it kills me that he has, but it’s also good that he isn’t just trolling online for something more than his partner & more than me. Fuck I am in agony! I have never hurt so much about anything.

Day to day, no one would really know this is going on unless you’re close to me, I am struggling with other issues & am rapidly losing weight because of that. I thought it was him, I thought it was our relationship that was my big issue, but clearly it’s not. This hurts me for sure, but I cut out what I thought was the main stressor & yet I am still losing weight, vomiting & diarrhoea as I leave the house… Maybe Silverlining wasn’t my problem?!

FUCK, what did I do?!

Ironically, I had a dream about him on this day, we were hanging out with his kids then he said he had to go pick her up, I refuse to say goodbye to him & he gets in the car & speeds around to where my car is but I drive off. I wake up in real life reeling but I try to go back to sleep to change the end of the dream, I want to make myself stop the car & talk to him – give him a chance to say something to me… But I can’t get back into the dream again.

So many times I think Noodle has created a new account & is stalking me… I then find a person who’s joined the chat app & said something like Noodle would’ve said to me, calling me a nickname he used & my heart starts pounding… I don’t know why but I let J-Lo stalk Noodle’s partner & he says that he can’t find it under her name… My heart sinks, my pulse starts rapidly beating… I give J-Lo Noodle’s last name & J-Lo says that he found her. I start shaking… FUCKING HELL… He married her?! Are you fucking kidding me! I cannot believe it!

Curiosity gets the better of me, so I look her up on FB but it’s not her… So I tell J-Lo to send me a picture of who he’s looking at because I can’t find her. He sends me a picture & I am ready to sigh a sigh of relief, however, it’s fucking Noodle in her profile picture, she is in a wedding dress & he is in suit. His face looks so fat – fatter than I remember him being, he doesn’t look happy at all, his eyes are a give away, he looks so miserable & she’s looking up at him adoringly with her head on his shoulder. It says that they’re married… Her last name is the same as his…

They got married 4 days after I ended it with him…

4 fucking days!

No wonder he started acting weird, she was going on annual leave to get married, her parents were over from interstate obviously for the wedding… Yet he told me that it wouldn’t be the last time that he would see me?! How the fuck was he going to see me wearing a wedding ring? I am so fucking hurt he never told me… I don’t know what I would have done if he told me, but he should have told me! They were clearly planning their wedding for a while – they were already engaged when I met him, so he would have known when we started up the second time that in a few months he would be walking down the aisle with her saying till death do us part, all the while having a second affair with me, all the while confessing how much he loves me.

But because I never replied to him & his ‘I’ll chat to you when I can’ messages, I’m assuming he never bothered to write to me again. This news of marriage makes me fall apart… Not only am I still being dicked around by fuckwit after fuckwit & the love of my life has married someone else, someone I know he loves – I don’t ever deny that he loves her, I know he loves her but just not the way he loves me (or am I deluded here?! Who knows) & there is nothing I can do about it… Or is there!?

I start thinking about revenge, she’s obviously blocked me on Facebook because I couldn’t find her – even under her new surname, which would seemingly mean that she’s seen my posts that were cryptic after we ended the second time but surely if she saw then she would realise who it was about – that it was about him & yet she still married him?! Anyone who thinks I am judging her, you’re wrong. I don’t judge her, I get it, I can’t walk away from him & I don’t have 2 kids & a 10+ year history with him, so I do not judge her for wanting him or for marrying him… But I do ask questions like why would she want to marry him, however don’t think I’m not asking those questions of myself, because I am!

Other options I have, I toy with the idea of putting a little toy on her car at work which represent my nickname that is an animal which she knows – neither of them could look at this animal & not think of me?! Even friends see this animal & think of me! I know they both would… I think about texting his mobile number when I know they would be together… I think all the crazy things I could do – go to her work, rock up at their house… I then wish that I did leave my hair ball or the condom wrapper like I thought about doing, an earring for her to find when cleaning – though he does all the cleaning so I doubt she would find it anyway… I hate myself but I look at their profiles & I just kill myself looking at them… I block them & never look at them again.

I am not able to eat again, my stomach is in knots. Did he go through with marrying her because I walked away? Could I have changed his mind? I mean I knew this was coming, I knew they were planning it, he just got a big payout at work so assuming they used that, but I can’t help but wonder if I tried hard like my friends said I should back in January 2019 when we were in Kangaroo Island, would things be different?! Or would I still be on this path?!

I know what you’re all thinking & I can just imagine the comments that will come out of this post… However I am shattered right now, I love this man with all my heart, I did everything he ever asked of me… I know he’s a liar, I know that he’s played with my emotions, I know that he’s been an absolute ass to me & to his now wife, however I am so into him that I can’t walk away as easily as you all think I should. This fact annoys me as much as it annoys you, trust me! He’s now married & I still want him!

I am fucking angry that 10 days before his wedding, he was fucking me on their couch & never mentioned it to me – it would have been planned before he even started talking to me in August as a stranger & then after I ended it, he said it wasn’t the last time that he’d ever fuck me (because of what I said in the goodbye email.) It was the last time. He was distant & worried about her family coming over from interstate, he’d  told me that, I just didn’t realise that they were coming over for their wedding. Their fucking god damn wedding!

He’s actually married… He’s fucking given her his surname… He said till death do us part to this woman, when I have no doubt that he was thinking of me that day… I hate that she’s got the life that I want & that he doesn’t think that he’s good enough for me. I hate that he doesn’t get the life he wants because he’s too scared to lose his kids or too gutless to choose the life he wants…

FUCK.

So if you’ll recall, I posted a blog a while ago about my wedding day, the wedding day that I always though I’d have, the wedding that I have dreamed of since I was a little girl – well it evolved as I got older but essentially the wedding of my dreams, the wedding that I never saw a mans face at the end of the aisle until I met Noodle… But now, there is no way I can ever get married. To anyone. Ever. If Noodle can marry his partner after everything he went through with me, then marriage means absolutely nothing.

I am so sure, that Noodle was thinking about me on his wedding day. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. Even if only he allowed it for a split second, I know he did! I always thought that on your wedding day, you would be so committed to the person you are saying I do with, so in love with the person that no one else could ever enter your mind. The fact that he loves me, & said he loves me to my face only 10 days before this & he married her anyway, makes the dream of my wedding just shatter… I will never get married now, as I know, that if anyone ever does propose to me, Noodle will pop into my head, I know he will even if I am not in love with him. I will think of Noodle on my wedding day & I don’t ever want to do that to another person. It’s not fair & I feel for his wife – honestly that is worse than having an affair! That’s fucked up & I am so destroyed by this news.

Ironically, just as a side note, the date that Noodle married his partner, is the same date that Doppelganger married his partner too… (Update on Doppelganger, they no longer come to my gym! Thank goodness!)

FUCK.

#IBD4U

T**y #4

I do not know what I am doing with T**y to be honest, why have I allowed him to come to my house, let alone fuck me… There is something I can’t quite put my finger on with this guy but he’s really funny, good looking & even though I said no dating in 2020 (Remember I am behind in my writing time frame, I don’t usually write in real time) there is also that stupid thing in my head that this guy could just be the guy. He’s single, he’s cute, he’s seemingly interested in me, yes there have been some red flags, but is anyone ever actually completely red flag free?!

After we have sex, he had cum on my belly & I am not sure why men find that so hot to be honest, I would have thought that cumming inside would be hotter, but the guys I seem to date also like the fact that I don’t just jump up & shower so I wear their cum all day the next day or if we’ve had day sex, during the rest of that day.

T**y doesn’t jump up straight away – ready to leave as soon as he’s cum like other guys do, which I like. He lays there, next to me, not really touching me but sometimes he does & he lays there for a really long time, just chatting about all sorts of crap & I feel very comfortable with him. The banter flows easily & he says a few times that he wants to stay over the night but he doesn’t have his tools for work tomorrow or anything to wear, I am mildly disappointed when he finally gets up & starts getting dressed, but it’s very late on a Sunday so I am ready for him to go. He genuinely seems disappointed to leave.

I refuse to message him, he should message me first, right?! I mean it’s always been my rule – my stupid rule that got me into trouble with Noodle the first time. But when I see on the chat app that he has another account with his fake profile picture with another name & both of them are in the same group, I start to wonder what this guy is all about.

However about midday I get a message from him – on the app he apparently deleted on our date, he has my phone number so there is no need to be using the chat app, but he does. He talks about the sex saying he wants to see me again & loves my ass… What is it about my ass, I never thought it was that good… We also chat via text which is weird, chatting on both apps but whatever, I send him a picture of my ass & he says he wants to fuck me like that so I start the topic of anal but he says he doesn’t like anal but would do it if I wanted too… He asks me if I have time for a quickie but I don’t & realise that my period has come too, so I just ignore his messages till he’s messaged to say that he’s already on his way home.

As always I talk to J-Lo about him & J-Lo loves a stalk, he loves to find these men on Facebook or wherever & find out their deal. I’m not much of a stalker, I don’t want to know but stupidly I always allow J-Lo to stalk for me… I don’t know why but he loves to find people, but he can’t find a trace of this guy T**y anywhere…! Odd?! Or does this guy genuinely not have any social media presence?!

The next day I don’t hear from T**y at all or see him on the chat app, so by about 9:00 pm, I decide to message him & I ask if he thought about my ass today & he says that he did. He doesn’t seem that keep to chat but asks me If I thought of anything else, when I say that I thought of him sucking my nipples while fucking me he just says “Mmmmm”. So I don’t reply. The next day I have had the worst day ever, it’s only 10:30 am & I am heading home when I get a message from him asking if I am going to be home soon. Oddly, yes I am so I say that I am & he says to call him when I’m free… then he says he can come around 2:00 pm. No problems, I get in the car & am driving home, I hit call on his number & it rings & rings & rings. It goes to his message bank… I expect to hear something like “Hi you’ve reached T**y, leave a message” but there is his cute voice saying a completely different name. What the actual fuck… I knew it!

When I get a message from him later which is just ???, I guess sort of asking why I called, I just say he told me to call. I sit there for ages wondering about what to do, at midday I ask if he’s coming at 2:00 pm because he hasn’t said anything, he says yes & I ask if he needs my address being he followed me here, he then asks is 4:00 pm is ok. I say it is.

When it gets the better of me, I stalk, I know I said I don’t stalk but I think you’ll all agree this warrants a stalk, I type in his voice mail name & the first person to pop up as a suggestion on Facebook is him. He is sitting on a vintage couch outside in dressed up clothes, seemingly at a wedding or a 21st type setting, there is a chick next to him leaning on him, her head on his shoulder, her legs are crossed & his arm is draped over her legs, they have big smiles on their faces & both are holding a beer bottle… FUCK. I scroll down his profile a little bit when it hits me “In a relationship with **** *****” Double Fuck. This is why I don’t fucking stalk…

Now I have 2 options, to ditch the dickhead & just move on with my life… But as you all know, this is not what I do, he’s knocking on my door when I realise that he’s not who he says he is so I now have a choice, do I say something the second he walks in or do I wait & see what if he is honest & tells me his real name? I mean he now must know that I know his name is not what he says it is, he can’t be that stupid?! Surely?! I decide quickly to see what happens, I won’t mention it & see how long it takes him to say something… Surely he won’t take long to bring it up.

We go outside with a beer & he has a smoke, we sit outside chatting so easily that I honestly forget that his name isn’t what he’s told me… How can that so easily slip my mind. Am I so starved for male adult conversation that I am willing to overlook this? When he asks me to go to my room, I oblige, we’re kissing & undressing… It’s like I’ve forgotten what a relationship is like, hanging out with someone, having their undivided attention, we’re on the bed kissing & touching each other all over, when I move down his body to take his cock in my mouth & suddenly it hits me… Not only has this man lied about his real name, but he’s got a girlfriend that he’s publicly acknowledged on Facebook. I have him in the most vulnerable position a man can be in, he’s naked with his cock in my mouth & I question him between sucks what is his real name, a cruel game but something has come over me, I must know & I know he won’t tell me the truth, which he doesn’t. He tells me that it’s T**y. I say no it’s not & suck his cock once more, he then tells me the other name (which I forget what it is) of his other fake account & again I do the same, I suck his dick & stroke it telling him it’s not right. He sits up a bit & assures me that it is, I tell him that it’s not & as he moans, loving what I’m doing but hating what I am saying, he doesn’t say anymore… I stroke his cock as I look him in the eye from nowhere I realise what is happening here & so I ask him “So does **** (Insert girlfriends name) suck your cock like I do, **** (insert his voicemail name)?”

#IBD4U

Animals are kinkier than you

As I am a away on a much needed short trio away in Victoria with my puppies, I haven’t had time to finalise my blog. I’m sorry, there is more coming for T**y , I promise! This article though, really gets you thinking… How kinky am I?

  • By Jason G. Goldman

13 February 2015

Leather cuffs, ropes, candle wax, edible underwear. We humans, in all our arrogance, think we’ve got the creative sex market cornered.

But the truth is that we’re nothing more than kinky amateurs in the sexual marketplace. Our non-human cousins have been engaging in sex acts that we might consider taboo a lot longer than we have. It’s nature’s best-kept secret: for any sex act that you might find arousing, and a bit outside of traditional sexual conventions, there’s an animal that not only engages in that behavior, but for whom it is the norm.

You think Fifty Shades of Grey is hot? Here are seven ways that animals are kinkier than you ever thought.

A sip of giraffe urine

Perhaps the obvious place to start is the giraffe. The long-necked animals spend most of their time quietly munching on leaves. At least, it sounds quiet to us, because most of their vocal communication occurs outside the range of human hearing. But what they lack in their ability to shout, they more than make up for when it comes to assessing the suitability of a potential mate. The bull, which is what you call a male giraffe, visits various herds looking for a female, called a cow. When he finds a cow he likes, he doesn’t coyly ask for her number. There are no flowers, no chocolates, no movie dates. He gets right to the point by leaning over and gently nuzzling her rear end. The goal? To catch a sip of her urine.

“When the bull nuzzles her rump,” write researchers David M. Pratt and Virginia H. Anderson, “she must produce a stream of urine if he is to catch some in his mouth and savour it,” they write. The idea is that he can to detect various chemical indicators in her urine that indicate whether she’s prepared to mate. He knows none of this, of course. He’s just doing what evolution has guided him towards doing: wandering around, lapping up some urine, looking for a date.

Hippos’ flying faeces

But the giraffe is an amateur compared to the hippo. The most under-appreciated of the African megafauna, the hippopotamus may seem like nothing more than a waterborne cow, but they are not to be trifled with. According to legend, more people are killed each year by hippos than by sharks, and while they’re not all that graceful on land, they can charge at superspeed when they’re in the water

Like giraffes, male hippos are called bulls. Unlike giraffes, hippos are more into dung than urine. For a species that can be quite aggressive, it is perhaps not all that surprising that they spend a good deal of time marking their territories. And they do that by leaving very large piles of dung on the banks of the rivers and ponds they swim in. As they deposit their excrement, they use their tiny tails as tennis rackets, shooting bits of poo off in every direction. Some males can send their faeces flying off as far as two metres away!

But the males aren’t the only ones who engage in “dung-showering,” as it is called. When a territorial male is on the prowl, the females aren’t entirely passive. If a female hippo is interested, she turns around, raises her rear end out of the water, and presents him with a dung shower of her own. Like the males, the females also use their tails to spread the stinky love around. Researchers refer to this sort of mating ritual as “submissive defecation.”

Garter snakes’ massive mating balls

As winter turns to spring in Manitoba, Canada, the snakes emerge from underneath the ground in search of both food and sex. They get together in aggregations that can number tens of thousands of individuals and wiggle around in massive, writhing mating balls. The balls are created after the females release a pheromone that indicates their presence, a sort of serpentine clarion call. Males from all over sniff her out and slither on over, hoping for a chance to father some limbless offspring of their own.

But group sex isn’t all that’s going on. In the middle of all the sex (or, at least, attempted sex) going on inside the mating ball is a group of males who are pretending to be female.

For a while, many researchers suspected that males who released the same sorts of pheromones typically released by females were doing it to deceive other males. For one thing, pretending to be a female would allow a male to avoid aggression from other, larger, more dominant males. By avoiding the ire of another male, the female mimics could survive another day in hopes of finding a chance to mate. Alternatively, the mimicry could be an effort to trick other males into wasting their sperm. The duped males would go on thinking they’d managed to secure their genetic heritage, none the wiser about the con.

But in 2001, a group of researchers came up with a different explanation: warmth. When a groggy male snake emerges from its winter slumber, it’s only a cool 10 degrees Celsius. But reproductive males are usually a good fifteen degrees warmer. By pretending to be female, the mimic could simply be trying to warm up. As a bonus, by hiding underneath a mass of eager males, the female mimic could avoid predation by the hungry crows that wait nearby.

Three is company for North Atlantic Right whales

Garter snakes may be known for group sex, but usually the snakes only have sex with one partner at a time. That wasn’t the case for a female North Atlantic Right whale who was observed by scientists in the August 2000 in the waters off of Canada.

It was a summer afternoon in the Bay of Fundy when a group of researchers conducting observations of the whales’ summer feeding habits found themselves with front row seats to a scene that would make even Christian Grey, the eponymous male character in the Fifty Shades of Grey book and film, blush. For forty seconds, the three-way was engaged in what the researchers referred to as ‘simultaneous intromission’

A female was traveling with three males, a typical aggregation known as a “surface active group” or SAG. In some species, males compete for reproduction by attempting to prevent others from mating. For these whales, however, the sperm does all the competing. So it’s common for the females to mate with several of the males in her SAG, multiple times. When the female is ready to have sex, she typically rolls over and swims upside down near the surface. The male rolls onto his side to allow his prehensile penis better access to the female’s vagina.

When the researchers observed the female and one of the males begin intercourse, they weren’t all that surprised. The copulation lasted for about two minutes before the male disengaged and rolled back over to breathe. “Several undulations of the penis were observed during the copulation,” write the researchers, “but it is not known whether these were associated with ejaculation.”

About fifteen minutes later, the two whales resumed their positions and began to have sex again. Just then, one of the other males surfaced alongside the pair. And thirty three seconds later, he inserted his penis into her vagina as well. For forty seconds, the three-way was engaged in what the researchers referred to as “simultaneous intromission,” before the first male had to make the threesome into a twosome in order to catch a breath of air.

It wasn’t just an erotic marine mammal ménage-a-trois. It was, as the researchers noted, scientific history: “the first observation of a female right whale copulating simultaneously with two males.”

Sexual frenzy of the grunion fish

Speaking of salty sex, no list of surprising sexual practices could be complete without the humble grunion. It’s an unassuming fish, silvery with hairline streaks of blue, red, and yellow running along the length of their bodies, which rarely grow longer than 17 or 18 centimetres.

For several nights surrounding each new moon and full moon in the spring and summer, roughly from March to August, the fish gather on sandy California beaches from Mexico’s Baja peninsula all the way up to Point Conception. Surfing the high tide onto the shore, the fish have gathered there for just one purpose: to mate.

It’s a salty, sandy, wet, moonlit piscine orgy. The females cruise in on a wave and wiggle themselves, tail first, into the cool wet sand, until just their heads are visible. Once in position, each is ready to deposit her eggs, just four inches beneath the surface. But not before they get fertilised. The males take the next few waves to the shore, gathering themselves in circles around the females. There, they release their sperm in a white-ish fluid called milt. The milt flows down the females’ slick bodies until it reaches the eggs. The males ride the next wave back out to sea. The females twist and turn their way out of the sand and they, too, return to the surf.

Most females spawn six times during the season, which means over the course of an entire season she can lay as many as 18,000 eggs. The males, for their part, release as many as one million sperm in a single spawning event, and they can participate in several spawnings per night. Several hours later, the beach once again gets quiet. The following morning, beachgoers likely have no idea that they’re frolicking about just hours after an intense sexual frenzy.

Buprestid beetles mate with beer bottles

Perhaps one of the most common ways in which humans try to spice things up in the bedroom is through the use of sex toys, or less commonly, inflatable sexual partners. These are usually silicone or plastic objects that have been made to resemble male or female anatomy, either visually or behaviorally, or both. Luckily, our big fat primate brains usually know the difference between a sex toy and the real thing. Not so for an Australian jewel beetle called Julodimorpha bakewelli.

It was in 1983 when a pair of Australian zoologists named Darryl Gwynne and David Rentz noticed a photo being passed around among entomologists of a male beetle attempting to mate with a beer bottle. Was it a fluke or could the behavior be reproduced? The researchers set out in search of beetles and litter. In just half an hour, they spotted at least six male beetles trying to mount and copulate with beer bottles.

Unfortunately for the poor males of the species, the forewings of females are a beautiful brown hue, dotted with small dimples. The problem is that they’re remarkably similar to a particular colour and texture of glass often used in beer bottles. “The shiny brown colour of the glass is similar to the shiny yellow-brown [wings] of J. bakewelli,” they wrote, while “a discarded wine bottle of a different colour brown held no attraction.”

Not only do discarded beer bottles pose an environmental hazard, they also pose a serious problem for these beetles. The bottles are so attractive to the males that they actually prefer them to actual females. And that’s not all: ants have learned to congregate near discarded beer bottles, waiting for a lonely beetle to try his luck. Then, they can quickly attack, overpower, and gobble him up. As a result, the species is rapidly on its way towards extinction.

Red velvet mites’ sperm garden

The red velvet mite sounds like a slightly creepy cross between a spider and a cupcake, and it basically is. When a male decides he’s ready to stop living the single life and settle into fatherhood, he builds a structure that some folks refer to as a love garden.

He constructs the garden from plant parts, using his own sperm as the glue. Then he lays down a silk road leading to the entrance of his garden, like the world’s strangest red carpet. There he sits, waiting for a female to come by. If she likes what she sees, she may accept his invitation back to his place. There, she sits herself down on top of a package of sperm and nutrients called a spermatophore, and the happy couple can rest easy knowing that their genetic legacy is secure.

But some male red velvet mites are bullies. If they discover another male’s love garden – and if it’s empty, because the architect is waiting for his beloved at the opposite end of the silk trail – he’ll make a mess of the place.

It’s not just that he wants to destroy his competition; he wants to let his competition do all the work for him. And he does that by covering the shattered ruins of the love garden in his own sperm. After the original builder does all the hard work of attracting a female and luring her back to his place, she has no problem going right ahead and impregnating herself with the bully’s sperm…leaving the cuckolded arachnid to weep with sorrow and begin the slow process of rebuilding his love garden once again.

http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20150213-animals-are-kinkier-than-you

#IBD4U

T**y #3

So you’re probably thinking this is a fucking dumb idea, that this guy is a dickhead, he’s already stood me up once, that this guy doesn’t deserve another chance, but you know what. I’m clearly an idiot – if the last 400+ blogs you’ve read about me don’t already tell you that, then I don’t know what I can say! Hahaha. It makes for good reading, right?! So stupidly my head is thinking about the Psychic & that this could be the man I deserve, the man named T**y, he’s so cute, funny, nice body & seemingly into me. So why wouldn’t I give him a second chance?!

Also for those of you who’ve had a shattered heart – not just broken but absolutely shattered, you would know that does also weird things to you, it makes you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. It makes your head think things that you wouldn’t normally think. Well this is how I am feeling. Last time my heart was shattered, I fucked everything in sight. This time I let myself heal a little better without fucking every dude that every lived, I have taken the time to do a bit of healing, I mean I have had sex, after all it is me & I have a vagina that thinks like a dick. But there is something not right about this guy, but there is something pulling me to him too – if that makes sense.

T**y says that he will meet me back at the same pub that we were supposed to meet at earlier today. Now the things about this is it’s a Sunday night in the suburbs at about 9:00 pm, so I am thinking that this place isn’t going to be open long & this will be a short date anyway.

So when my family leave my house, I get changed & get in my car thinking, this is a fucking dumb idea. But as I start the car, I see a picture pop up of the pub, at night with him saying that he’s there already. Well that’s promising… I drive there five – ten minutes, making him wait & walk in finding out that the bar is basically closed & there is only the pokies area open, we go in there & it’s tiny with no one in there. He exactly like his pictures, he’s fucking cute, not heaps tall, a little taller than me & he’s got that type of body, not fat but bulky with muscles… He’s got really nice teeth & quite tanned that I’m not sure if he’s 100% Caucasian or if he’s just got a good tan…

When we’re at the bar, I don’t know why but something about the way he holds his credit card to pay for the drinks, makes me try to look at the name on the card, I am not sure why I am trying & why it bothers me that I can’t see it, but is he being weird with is card or am I imagining it?! I try to let it go but it bugs me the entire night… Especially paired with other things he says during the night.

So like every guy I’ve ever dated, who meets me & I’m sure it’s happened to many of you too, they tell you while on the date for like 20 minutes, that they are getting offline, they are deleting all their social media. Some will even delete the app while on the date. Well T**y is exactly this dude, he tells me he’s deleting the chat app but all he does is delete the app, I explain that he has to go to a website to delete his account which he does but doesn’t go through with it. He tells me he’s deleted snapchat & Instagram, that he’s over all that shit too… Again this piques my interest as no one needs to ever needs to say this, but when guys do it makes me suspicious. I guess they say it so I don’t go snooping & look for them – which I never do anyway, however when they tell me they are deleting their social media, it makes me want to search for them! Why say it? I am not deleting my apps after the first date, I am not that deluded to think that man will do it either.

The date goes reasonably well though, although he’s a smoker, I am not, so he does leave me once for a smoke, not for a long time either but he does go outside. We talk openly about sex & his dick pictures that he posts on the chat app & I tell him that it has a scab on it from where he’s cut himself shaving his pubes. We also talk about my vagina too but it’s nothing that exciting however, it is the most open I’ve been with a guy I don’t know about sex.

One funny thing that I will never forget & don’t know why he would share with me to be honest, but he tells me that he has a spoon in the shower – errr, where is this going?! & he scrapes his face with it every day. WHAT? What does that even do. He tells me that it scrapes away all the dead skin & it keeps his skin nice. Okie dokie. That’s the weirdest thing I have ever heard…

We both talk about being fat in the past & how hard we’ve worked to get where we are, he also tells me that he has a twin sister who is quite large, showing me a picture of her, she is bigger than I ever was & he shows me a picture of him too & how big he was. I am impressed, this due has a very nice tanned body & looks nothing like his sister.

As we’re in the pokies area with no one else, we have two beers & it’s a probably like 11:00 pm on a Sunday night, so we say we should go, it’s colder outside for this short skirt I am wearing for January weather, when we get to my car, I stand there awkwardly, he leans up against my car & pulls me to him saying he’s cold, then he kisses me, he really kisses me. I know I have had sex with two men, but this kiss is probably one of the hottest I’ve had with a guy I don’t even know. His hand is up the back of my skirt & feeling my bareish ass as I wear cheekie lace panties… I can feel him get hard against me as I run my hands up his muscly arms. This is so sexy… I don’t know if I can resist him, I don’t know if I can resist not asking him back to my house… He says something about getting in the back of my car & I say that I don’t live far did he want to come back for a drink… WTF? He says of course & he follows me home, when we’re inside we have a beer, sitting outside as he smokes before he asks to take me into the bedroom.

He has a pretty big cock, it’s quite nice to have sex with, I feel fairly comfortable with this guy, even though there are red flags everywhere, I should have my guard up, I shouldn’t be doing this with him so quickly. Especially since earlier today he stood me up! What the fuck… I really need to get my vagina to catch up with my head sometimes… It really thinks for itself!

#IBD4U

T**y #2

Well… You didn’t think there’d be a T**y #2 did you? Neither did I to be honest. I felt so stupid & foolish… I never realised that someone else could make me feel so foolish! I only thought Silverlining would have that power over me. However I realise that it is me who makes me feel foolish, I fall for this bullshit, because while I am not a desperado, I am 100% lonely & I want a partner. Remember that I WANT a partner, I don’t NEED it. But for some reason nothing ever works out for me. I hate it…

So just also to clarify what the significance of T**y, here is the link to the Psychic Fair blog where a psychic told me that I would meet someone called T**y (I am not going to write the name here or in the previous blog either) however all you need to know at this point, is that a psychic told me I’d meet someone with this name – maybe that’s the reason why I went against my gut instinct & tried to meet him?! Or why whenever I see the name, I think this is the guy she was talking about! I don’t know…

I literally get home from the failed date – the stand-up – one of the most humiliating moments of my life & there is a message from T**y on my chat app… I don’t want to look at it! I don’t want to even see what this guy has to say but I can see a little of the conversation in the notifications that he is messaging that he got held up & is 5 minutes away, he asks where I am & that he’s 2 minutes away. He says that he didn’t see me in there. It’s almost 1:00 pm, I mean we were supposed to meet at 12:15 pm, does he really think I am just sitting there like a shag on a rock by myself waiting for him?! I click on the messages so he sees that I read them & ignore – how passive aggressive of me. I get some question marks, then I get his phone number asking me to call him… Hmmmm. No one is that quick to give out their phone number on these apps, so my wall starts to come down – his name is T**y after all, he could be the one she was talking about, however I am not calling him. I am still pissed & tell him that I felt like a wanker, that was the first time I have ever been stood up. I hate that I got dressed in a cute dress & looked good today! Fuck him. I’m going to make him feel bad!

He says that he had a flat battery after getting petrol, he had to get a jump start. He sends about 5 messages saying he’s sorry & he wants to make it up to me, that he’s sorry for making me feel shit, he wants to make it up to me & take me out for dinner… This is a lot of effort for someone he hasn’t even met?! Why do men do this? Is he really interested in me? Is this what being chased feels like!?

I am still angry so I say that he could have messaged me, like it’s not hard to send a text to say “my car is broken down, I’ll be 20 minutes. So sorry” but nope I get something 45 minutes after we’re supposed to meet. I knew my gut instinct was right & why I didn’t go in the pub because something wasn’t right about this guy. I send him a picture of how I look & say ‘pity for you I look amazing today’ he says that I do look hot & he did want to meet me, begging to see me, asking how he can make it up to me. That he feels bad etc. He sends me some pictures of him & OMG, he has a nice fucking body! Plus he’s fucking cute… FUCK… My vagina must control itself… Do not get wet, DO NOT GET WET! Hahaha… Lucky my head is still fucking angry & it’s not like it was with Noodle/SilverLining, that I would be angry & still be dripping wet when he sent me pictures…

I tell T**y that I have family dinner tonight so I can’t. This afternoon was all I had. He asks about after dinner that he’ll be at his house in the suburb close to me all night & I say that I am not going to his house, he says he’ll come to mine which I also laugh at, there is no way I am allowing him to come to my house. He says sorry profusely, then gives me his number again, which I say it’s probably best not to chat to me right now. He senses that I am still angry – of course I fucking am, I have just been stood up for the first time in my life! Even when he said he was 2 minutes away it still took him 15 minutes to message again to say he was there. I ask him if I was supposed to stick around for 45 minutes, he agrees he would be annoyed too. I tell him that this is why I don’t meet people off the chat app & why I haven’t met anyone new in a really long time. He says that he was stressing about getting there on time that he just forgot to message, he’s been out of the loop meeting girls for a while & is a bit rusty. I ask though “You’ve met humans right?! Like if you were meeting your mum for coffee & was late because of a battery being flat, you’d message her?” He agrees that he’s a ‘wanka’ for not messaging but he wants to make it up to me. He keeps telling me to call him, I tell him I won’t call him but I will text him & I will save his name as ‘chat app dick’ which I do, so when I send him a text I say that I don’t even know his name, which he tells me is T**y – same as what it is on the chat app, nothing weird lots of people with common names use their name on the app. I mean when I met Silverlining, he was using his real name too. T**y asks me to call him but I say I don’t have time, but he asks again & before I get a chance to reply, he’s calling! FUCK. I hate when people call…

Ok so to be honest, we chat easily but I don’t let him off easy even though his voice sounds so fucking cute it’s melting my icy exterior rapidly. Double fuck. We talk for about 20 minutes before my sister rocks up to my house – I’d recently learned some new skills to take up my time, instead of looking for boys to chat too online, I had done some beauty courses & started a new hobby, my sister was on her way to get her eyelashes done. But the whole time I am with her, I am thinking about T**y. He messages me instantly to tell me I sound hot, but I reply that he know what I look like, he’s seen pictures, but he says that I sound hot too… I sit there doing my sisters lashes, wondering if I am going to give this guy a second chance or not. Should I? I gave Silverlining a second chance, surely this guy deserves one too? Yes he made me feel like a fool & yes he was the first person to stand me up ever… Does he deserve a second chance? Should I meet him? Afterall the psychic said that I would meet someone named T**y & he would be good for me. Surely this is the man, I decided to give up on dating & this is what the higher being sent me?! Perhaps I should just meet him for one little drink… What harm could that do?!

#IBD4U

T**y

Now we’re at the start of 2020…. The no dating or chatting to men is going well! But this blog would not survive with a sex/dating drought from me… I mean it’s barely survived my writing hiatus…

So you’ll all recall if you’re a regular reader, that back when it ended with Silverlining (aka Noodle as he was known back then) the first time, I went to Psychic fair & was asked about a T**y in my life. Obviously at that point there wasn’t a T**y in my life. Motocross Brother was a T**y but I wasn’t attracted to him when he tried to chat to me. People that believe in psychics that I told about Motocross all believed that Motocross was the reason I would have a T**y & maybe the psychic just got it a little wrong. I was only interested in Motocross & was never going to go for his brother. But one friend apparently got goosebumps when I told her about the psychics prediction & that Motocross brother was T**y, she was adamant that that was the connection & that Motocross & I were what she was talking about… Well no such luck with Motocross – or his brother. Hahaha.

So since the Psychic, that has been the only T**y in my dating life, so we all assumed it was that. But whenever a T**y comes up on my online dating or my Facebook or anywhere, even at work, I think this could be the guy, the one the psychic said I’d be with… However as you all know that is not the case! Hahaha.

So when a T**y on the chat app starts joining groups he looks quite cute but I am 100% certain that the picture is not him at all, my interest is piqued… So much for the no dating in 2020. However in my experience, no one is ever that realiable on the chat apps, so I don’t even know why I start planning our future together! But I do start chatting to T**y & when he says that he’s 34, I know that the picture he has up is fake. He says what suburb he’s in & it’s one a bit further south than me. We seem to be the only ones on the chat app chatting, he’s asking me what is my favourite body part on a guy – which is their arms (especially if a bit muscly) & asks to private message me, which I say no, my usual response to be honest. He asks what suburb I’m from & what I’m looking for that I know he’s just looking to find someone to fuck. As soon as I say my suburb, he says that he’s in the suburb next to mine… Hang on?! Didn’t he another suburb before? I call him out on it & he says that he is just at one suburb but lives at the other then proceeds to ask me out publicly in the group, which I say that he didn’t verify (with a face picture) in another group I’m in & got deleted & because I’m convinced that his profile picture isn’t him & that he’s also confused about where he lives, that I don’t think I want to chat to him. He asks how to convince me, so I allow him to send me a face picture with him touching his ear (it’s a standard thing on this app to change where their finger is to stop people from using other people’s photos etc) He takes ages to send me a picture that someone but when he does & it’s a live picture like he was instructed & I think he’s pretty fucking cute… He sends me one with a huge grin, teeth showing then one almost the same with a smile but no teeth showing… Well 2 live photos, this guy is real… He’s fucking cute, in my age bracket, but only seemingly a bit confused about where he is living… I tell him that the profile picture isn’t him & he agrees saying that he doesn’t trust the app to put up his real picture. I agree, I mean after the whole Silverling debarcle, I changed to a bitmoji & hid for months. I only just changed my profile picture back to my actual face after realising that Silverlining is no longer on the app again.

All T**y asks is what I’m doing, which I am in bed & how old I am, which I tell him then he asks me about again, I mean like really… There is something not right about this, why is he pushing so hard, I mean he hasn’t even asked my name. He asks if I want his number & we can chat, I hate chatting on the phone – sometimes I do it all day for work, I don’t want to chat to someone random with awkward conversation. I’d rather text (which I know is dumb) but I also don’t really trust this guy, I am sceptical of him right now. I tell him “You’re cute & in my age bracket & geographical location… But I feel like we’re looking for different things though…”  He asks if I am looking for a relationship which I am not as you all know, I have decided to focus on the other things in my life at the moment & not date or fuck random guys that don’t give a shit about me. He says that he’s not sure what he wants & seeing what happens but I mean I’ve heard that before from Tim Tam while they go out & sow their wild oat thinking they want someone hotter & skinnier than me. He says though “Don’t want one night stand I know that. Getting too old for that.” As much as I want to believe him & fall for this line, I know that I’ve heard it before & maybe it’s true that they don’t want a one night stand but that’s how it turns out… “One day I want a relationship, yes… Not right now though” interesting words from him… I do have healing to do from Silverlining, so I agree with him too & lots of other stuff going on that I need time to myself “I don’t want a one night stand either but I hear that all the time from guys… What I want doesn’t exists so I just don’t bother with men. Hahaha” What a fucking lie, I mean I have been chatting to every fucking idiot on the planet, even when I said I didn’t want too… I don’t make resolutions as you know but I was going to take this year to be me. 2020 I was going to make wise decisions & here I am, day 11 & already talking to a guy I am not sure is telling me the truth!

He asks what I do want then, which I explain, is sort of what I had with Milky TBH. I knew he wasn’t looking for anyone else right in front of my face – for example in my group on the chat app. He was dating others because he’d told me about it, but he wasn’t throwing it in my face in a chat app. We were friends until I thought I caught some sort of feelings for him. Now I know what feelings are, I know that I can keep them separate this time. He says that he’s not keen to use the chat app anyway (Not this old chestnut) & says he’s probably going to delete it soon, I’ve heard that before & he says “Hang out & one person who you have good sex with. Why go anywhere else then??!!” Well yeah that’s what I want but I don’t really want the boyfriend title… I tell him that it’s pretty much impossible “Because most guys think with their dicks & they get scared that I’m going to fall for them if we hang too much or he sleeps over…” He says that he’s not like most guys, which fuck, if I had a dollar for every time that a guy had said that, I wouldn’t never work again!

I say that “I want to pretty much get to a point I don’t have to use condoms with someone I’m friends with, go to the movies with or hang & have dinner… whatever… But I don’t want a boyfriend” Why do I say this to men all the time? I mean I don’t think I want a boyfriend, but do I? I have no fucking idea what I want, let’s face it.

I have a moment where I am like “How did you get me to pm… I NEVER pm people…!” Fuck how did this guy get me to chat to him, that fucking cute smile got me all in a panty twist! WTF is wrong with me vagina, I did say that I was going to look after myself in 2020! He says that he didn’t want to chat in the groups, just to me, he says that he only verified with me & was just about to “bail & delete the chat app”  says that he’s not a fan & he can be bothered with all the rules… Yeah people take it all so seriously these days. I tell him though that he seems suss, with his weird picture, him not knowing what suburb he lives in & the fact that he keeps asking to catch up really quickly. Again I’ve heard this all before, yet somehow I am falling for it from this guy… Didn’t TT teach me anything? Am I so desperate for affection?!

We get onto the topic of my backyard for a bit & things he will do for me if we’re FWB then he asks to send pictures, I roll my eyes. I mean fuck, why do men do that… He sends me a picture of him with his dog & I send him another bitmoji (snapchat cartoon) picture, then he says “About 12” OMG, he wants 12 pictures?! No he says, he wants to meet at 12, tomorrow… It’s all happening so fast, but I find myself telling him that I won’t have much time & that I am not fucking him. But then he starts to write one word answers & so I say chat to me tomorrow, I’m going to sleep!

Next morning I wake up really early as my friend called me at 7:40 am to come over before she catches the ferry home to KI after being evacuated due to the fires… I wake myself up by trolling the groups on the chat apps, T**y has posted his cock in a group he knows I am in at like 2:30 am. Why the fuck do guys do that?! Clearly he’s just looking for a quick hook up, who else does that at 2:30 am? He finally messages me at 10:00 am saying ‘hey how are you?’ & 20 minutes later he asks if I’m still keen to catch up. I say that I can, but I only just got home from a walk at 11:30 am, so I say 12:15 pm. He says all good, to let him know when I’m free. I shower & get ready, trying not to put in too much effort, just as I’m about to walk out the door, I get a message from him thinking it’s going to be him saying he’s there already but it’s him asking if we can meet at 12:30 & should we meet at the outside part. I say lucky he messaged, I was just about to leave but 12:30 pm is fine & yes outside. I have this feeling… A feeling in my gut… This guy is catfishing me or something, something just isn’t right… I don’t know what but something isn’t right… I head to the pub & wait in the car till 12:35 pm for him to message but he doesn’t, so after another 5 minutes, I ask if he’s inside & his app is closed the little greyed out d like I often saw with Noodle waiting for him to open the app. I sit there for 10 minutes before I shake my head knowing I was right & I drive home. I try not to cry, in fact tears don’t come, I don’t want to ruin my eyelash extensions… He’s not worth it!

This might surprise you all, but this is the very first time that I have been stood up… I mean I didn’t go into the pub, so is it technically a stand up?! Fucking hell, I knew there was something about this guy, why didn’t I trust my instinct… Why did I agree to meet him… I mean after the final disaster of 2019, why didn’t I stick with my 2020 resloution. I feel like a fucking fool, I feel so stupid… I get home feeling like a fucking wanker! Can you not see why I got so entwined with Silverlining – TWICE!? Fuck I miss Silverlining. I hate being alone, I hate it… I am so fucking lonely & I miss talking to Silverlining about everything.

#IBD4U

TT

A few days before the end of 2019, I see this guy enter one of the rooms in the chat app. I barely private message anyone anymore & I haven’t chatted a lot to people since ending with Silverlining the second time. As you know Tim Tam & Elvis are the only guys I’ve been with since ending with him over 2 months ago. At the time of this story, Tim Tam is still in the picture, but he’s not been talking to me much, so I have been bored, chatting elsewhere but have definitely not fucking or interested in fucking anyone else. I hate that I have lost the one thing I wanted & I know that when Silverlining & I got brought back together, I had fucked everything under the sun & while it’s none of his business, I told him & don’t want to do that again, it was unfulfilling anyway, so I don’t want to fall into that trap again.

This guy starts chatting to me & he’s cute. We have good banter, but I think it’ll be nothing. He says that he’s having a trial separation from his FWB who he’s only been seeing a few months… What the actual fuck… Firstly, who even have a “trial” separation, either you separate or you don’t. I don’t even understand how that works, I understand taking a break but not a trial separation… & also it’s his FWB… This is a fucking huge lie that I don’t even give a shit about.

I end up giving him my snapchat, which I never give out because I hate that it’s my whole name, first & last. So I try not to give it to anyone. But I do to this guy…

When we’re chatting he sends a lot of pics, lots of pics of his tatts but not really ever of his dick, which is surprising for snapchat… He keeps talking to me about having a NSA thing, I don’t want NSA. I’ve been there done that. I am not sure I could have a functioning relationship while still in love with someone else, so I say that a FWB who is actually a friend not just a fuck buddy, but he says that he wants someone he can chat too whenever, not often & fuck whenever they both can get away! But also if we get over it or find someone else, then it’s done with no drama… Like I get where he’s coming from but the thing that fucks me off most about this, is why I am always the half-time lover. The in-between relationships lover. Why aren’t I ever the one that gets the man who’s ready for a relationship? I tell him I’m not really interested in this offer from him, I am sort of kinky & like to build trust, I’ve had enough one night stands in my time that I was someone regular. He then talks about tying me up, having his way with me then leaving the room… I’m like well it’s a pity you’re only looking for a one night stand. He tells me that he isn’t looking for one night but wants casual. Well everyone here knows that I don’t just let anyone be kinky with me. A guy has to earn that with me. Silverlining was the first man that I let do things to me after only fucking him a couple of times where I trusted him so much!

We’re chatting the day Elvis comes over, Elvis is running late & being annoying taking his time getting here. TT also says he’s deleting the chat app & that’s why I needed to add him on snapchat. However, this has all pissed me off, TT is still chatting in the groups I’m in & Elvis is supposed to be here to fuck me but hasn’t rocked up yet.

Later when TT is chatting, asking how the sex was, I tell him that it was good & he says that he wants to fuck me, but I’ve probably had my fix. Well yes, I have, Elvis was very good today in the bedroom, I don’t need more sex, plus I don’t know this guy enough to invite him over! Do I even want to invite him over?

So basically with this guy, every time I don’t reply within minutes, he messages to ask if I am alive. Because it’s snapchat I send a few pictures but nothing too elaborate as I don’t want to send him much but I send him a few things to keep him interested. I am also messaging him the night I am supposed to go out with Coutry who if you read along, you’ll know he bailed because of his sunburn. This guy is ready to come over but I don’t tell him that Coutry bailed.

TT invites him self over to my house, over & over again but I tell him that I don’t know him but I do say that I am super doper horny (what a surprise) but when he sends me a picture of his cock, it’s super long, which you all know that I don’t like as they hurt me, so I prefer a nice thick smaller cock to fit inside me. I don’t think I would even get his inside me without it hurting my ovaries.

He asks again & again & says that he can be there right now, but I say I don’t know him well enough. He says at 2:13 pm that he can be at my house but will leave need to leave by 3:00 pm, but I tell him that I think that we should meet at pub first, I mean I have seen pictures of his face & body & everything but I am not sure I want to get involved with a weirdo I don’t know. He talks to me about meeting him at a park instead of a pub & we can have a quick chat then we can go back to my house & have fun… I am tempted but I am also still reeling from my last failed whatever with Silverlining.

He keeps banging on about meeting today but I keep saying how it’s too quick, by the time he gets to my house we’ll have 30 minutes. He tells me that he wasn’t to jerk off & I am being frustrating, that he will go into work later. Who starts work at 3:00 pm on  New Years Eve?! Which is exactly what I say, he says he’s an engineer… Like really?!

When he gets in the car to come to my house, I haven’t even given him my address but he says that he’s driving south… WTF… I can’t believe I am doing this! He says we don’t need to fuck we could just 69 or something… Then I get “I’m super nervous” WTF. Why is he nervous?!

I give out my address & he says 20 minutes. Which mean I am going to be a one night stand or some sort of once off fuck. I bet I never see this guy again!

He comes over & in my door, he is shaking when he walks in, he’s acting like he’s never done this before.. We kiss for a bit in the hallway, I  take him down the hallway to my bedroom & he’s still shaking. He says to me that we should’ve met in a pub like I  had suggested. WTF?! Is he kidding… Does that mean he thinks I’m ugly or fat?! FUCK. I didn’t want to do this in the first place & now I am feeling like shit while this fuck wit can’t decide what he wants.

He jumps up & leaves… or I basically kick him out. He never speaks to me again but he stalks my snapchat stories for a few weeks before I delete him.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

So I’m pretty sure that this guy had a partner & I was the first person he cheated with… I had used another phone to save all the snapchat messages by taking a photo of my phone rather than screenshotting.

FYI – Just so you know, he is still bouncing around the chat app in 2021… Do men think I’m that stupid to believe “I’m deleting the app, I’m so bored with it” OMG.

But this is when I actually make the resolution of sorts: No dating in 2020.

FUCK DATING.

#RIP IBD4U.

Elvis #4

Here is the post I forgot to post last week! Hahaha… Whoops. I know why, because I hadn’t done the heart so I forgot to post it! Sorry… Also this new wordpress is a disaster to use & keeps telling me I don’t have the authority to make changes to posts! FFS.

Happy Valentines day to those who celebrate it & to those who don’t. Happy Blog post day! Enjoy. xxx

So anyway just to wind back to the end of 2019 when I was seeing Silverlining, 2 months since I last saw or heard from Elvis, he is back! As you all know, I am heavily involved with Silverlining again & it’s not a good position to be in. So as much as I hate doing it, I engage with Elvis. He’s cute, young & not too bad in bed.

Now because I wasn’t thinking clearly with everything going on with Silverlining & the stuff going on at work that I don’t remember a lot from this but I know there are 2 times I catch up with Elvis during this time, I wrote some notes but this will be pretty vague & so this is all mainly from memory. However, it’s a part of my story & something that I feel is important to explain why I do what I do in the future & why I am like I am.

So Elvis was seeing someone but that ended which is why he is messaging me again – I seem to be his rebound. I mean this guy is a fair bit younger than me but he is cute, we get along, he’s funny, he’s fairly smart, he’s cleaned up his act & working again. Besides the age gap, I am not really sure why this guy isn’t interested in me, if he keeps contacting me when he’s single. Maybe I am just the fuck buddy with him…? I don’t know but I mean I am not sure I want more but surely I am worth more than just a fuck buddy? I always just think I am too independent & strong for some men. But then I see the women they are with after mean & realise that they are wanting a trophy girlfriend, which I don’t think I am. I am not plastic with make up put on with a trowel. I am real, I have wrinkles & I am no a stick figure by any means.

Anyway he comes over & we talk a lot, having a beer before we have sex, I end up sitting on the kitchen bench chatting mainly about foods, exercise & healthy lifestyles, something that we have in common, I start to think that we actually have a lot in common & I do start to think, why have I kept this man at arm’s length, is it because he’s a friend of my friends ex-boyfriend?! A guy no one knows about, no one knows that I have ever met him, let alone fucked him… Anyway I am sitting on the kitchen bench, a subtle hit for him to make his move, when he does. He comes up to me, running his hands up my legs & kissing me passionately.

When I am with someone else, I don’t think of Silverlining while having actual sex but he always pops into my mind… This time he does & I hate that I am thinking about Silverlining & what he would think if he knew I was about to fuck someone else.   

Elvis and I are naked in the kitchen before I take him to my bedroom. Elvis tries to be dominate & because he says he doesn’t last long with actual sex, the foreplay goes on for what seems forever. I am definitely not complaining, he’s good at it. I guess the only weird thing for me, well not weird as in he’s a weirdo but something I have never had done to me before, is he likes feet, like has a foot fetish, so he played with my feet a lot & also sucked on my toes. Even writing it is making me feel weird in my tummy. I am not sure a foot worshiper is for me, however I allow it & don’t mind trying this but it’s a bit odd for me & I start to wonder if he’s going to ask me to suck his toes. I really hope not because at this point he hasn’t even taken off his socks. I don’t want to suck his toes because I am not into that but also they would be hot & sweaty & the fluff from your sock between your toes… Like ewwww… Isn’t that call toe jam?!  It’s a warm day so no thank you! I’ve been wearing sandals but I am not even sure I am comfortable with him sucking my toes but there you go, I allow it. I don’t think I will do it ever again – but you know me! I never say never. Hahaha.

Another time, I think that Silverlining & I were long over, perhaps. I don’t go out & fuck everything that moves. In fact I only have sex with 3 people between Silverlining & my next big thing… Elvis has just broken up with another chick & contacts me to meet up with him, I invite him over – this time it takes a bit of planning for some reason, but we make it happen. I am still very broken from the whole Silverlining thing & also bamboozled by the Tim Tam saga that I thought was going somewhere…

Again Elvis & I stand around having a few beers before we move into my bedroom, this time Elvis is very dominate. Like super dominate that I don’t even know where this has come from. He’s always been dominate but doesn’t take the lead if that makes sense, he waits for me to top from bottom to direct him what to do. This time he ties my up to the bed & makes me cum over & over again that I am squirting everywhere. I haven’t been able to squirt since Silverlining & even then the second affair with him, I didn’t squirt a lot in fear of leaving my DNA places it shouldn’t be!

When I am talking & telling him what I want him to do, he covers my mouth & stops me from talking… OMG when did Elvis grow some dominate balls? I fucking love it. Though the thought that always pops into my head when a guys in naturally like this with me – I think about Silverlining! FUCK.

After I cum & cum & cum, Elvis decides to wipes his cummy hands all over my face! OMG, I love this… What is happening? I don’t think he’s ever been this hot! I have to say I’m loving how dirty he is today! We fuck & he doesn’t last long while actually having but his foreplay game is so strong it doesn’t even matter…

I message him a few months later when things aren’t really happening for me with anyone but I get a non-committal type reply, I find out later that he has a girlfriend & they make it Facebook official, I see them together meeting the family at Christmas & she’s stunning as every guy I have sex with ends up with! I’m happy for him, it’s just a bit shit, why don’t guys have the chemistry with me enough to put in the effort for me? Aren’t I worth it?

#IBD4U

Sponge

Ok readers, this is a different type of blog than I usually write. I write in the here & now. 2021. This may change your life, as it has mine… Well my sex life at least! Hahaha…

As a disclaimer, this blog is vastly about periods & period sex. So if you don’t like that, you have been warned! Hahaha.

As you all know if you’re a regular reader of the blog, about 2 years ago I had my tubes tied as I was sick of my weight fluctuating due to all the hormones I put in my body while on hormonal contraception. Knowing that I didn’t want children, I needed a more permanent solution to contraception without hormones. There is only 2 options – the copper coil or tubal ligation. I have since found a 20 something year old recently who was given the copper coil so I probably would have gone for that if it was offered to me, but when I had a Mirena IUD it was put in while I was under as apparently my cervix is so tight so assuming why that’s why the copper coil wasn’t an option for me. Anyway what’s done is done, my decision remains the same.

So the issue now for someone sexually active like me, with no way of controlling my period, what the fuck do you do when someone you’re seeing hates blood to the point it’s an actual phobia (stories to come not about his phobia but who) & when you both have a hectic schedule, the only time he can see you is right what will be the second day of your period. If you don’t fuck the guy on this day I just mentioned, then you probably won’t have sex for who knows how long. Also it’s been a while since you had sex with this person too, meaning I am super horny. Paired with the hormones running through my body, I am determined to have sex.

I honestly love sex when I have my period, there are many articles that explain that a woman who orgasms during her period will have less abdominal pain. I know this to be true myself. I often use a vibrator on the outside while using a tampon to make myself cum – as this is less messy but also because I’m horny. As most women know, your womb is contracting as it tries to shed the lining that it didn’t need that month, which is what causes you pain. But then you orgasm, your womb also contracts & somehow makes it less painful… I still sometimes need pain meds, but seriously just have an orgasm & your pain will be gone!

There are obviously options for period sex with this dude, just rock up & pretend I didn’t have my period & he brought it on? Make him feel good about having such a manly sized cock to bring on my period. Or try to make him have shower sex (which we’ve never really done before so might not to be easy to push this idea & what if he doesn’t go for it.) but I also know if he sees any blood he’ll freak out. Do I rock up & tell him I’ve got it but I wanted to see him anyway, then just pleasure him – which turns me on anyway but then it will just be frustrating for me. Urgh. What to do?

Anyway a few days before this looming date, I’m hoping & praying that I don’t get my period, that’s the first & only hope – the first plan, but I need a backup obviously. (But the fucking thing is like clockwork! I get my period on the due date) now I am googling ways to stop my period like a fucking teenager. Hahaha. One of the options is to have an orgasm before you have sex… I know this to be true. It does stop the flow for a little while.

So before it comes I remember a friend telling me about a sponge. This friend is (or was) a reader – a lot of friends stop reading as they feel like it’s too hard to read such intimate details about their friends sex life. However I remember her saying something about a sponge for sex. Now I am not an expert on this nor am I telling you to do it. But I will share my experiences with you & you can decide AT YOUR OWN RISK what you will do should you need this handy life period hack.

So my friend explained that you get a sea sponge, like a makeup one – which she said are hard to find & stick it inside you before sex & bingo, mess free period sex. Sounds too good to be true right? This could be a game changer for me.

I google. Fuck Dr google is never a good idea however as I google sea sponges. My friend says they are hard to find – I don’t have much time to get one before sex day so I am surprised when I find some at Petbarn, Bunnings and even Officeworks. Not all of these will be fit for purpose, of course, but at least the search isn’t going to be ridiculous like she thought it might be. The most exciting part of this google search is finding a store call the period store who stock them as reusable tampons. Who knew this was a thing?? This eases my mind a bit more. They can be left in for 8 hours & washed, re used & great for the environment – a bit like a menstrual cup which I have no been able to bring myself to use because I reckon it’d be messy.

I head to the pharmacy & find a fairly small make up sponge for $10 & buy that. But I think the other ones will be better, this one seems a bit too small. At bunnings they aren’t really sea sponges, they are painting decorating sponges that are like a kitchen sponge, plus they are quite big, bigger than the palm of my hand. The Petbarn sponges are for hermit crabs & literally a teeny tiny sponge for their water bowls. I decide against them too. Well the one from the pharmacy will have to do. If this doesn’t work I will just have to pretend I just got my period while he was fucking me – he’s been ok with this in the past when it’s has genuinely happened but won’t touch me after he’s had blood on his cock.

Day two of period, day of sex. I had spent the night googling others who have done this & got a few tips. Especially from the QLD sex worker website, helping sex workers to use them & what to say to clients. Who knew this was actually a real thing. One lady who did a review on a blog or something, seemed to put the sponge inside her dry & said she could feel it until it was moistened with her fluids I guess, whereas my friend said to wet it. I did play with it the night before, feeling that it got a bit too wet if I drenched it in water. So in the morning when it’s a little drier, I add a few drops of water to make it pliable but not soaking wet. As I poke it in, it goes in easier than I expected for a sponge. I push it in as far as I can, then feel around to see if he’ll notice it. I can’t really feel it that I start to stress about how I am going to get the fucking thing back out! The size is perfect, I definitely don’t want any bigger like the ones I saw at bunnings.

I do also make myself cum before we meet – mainly because I feel like I am a little dry & I can see if this sponge thing works. It does so far, yet somehow allows me to get lubricated for his cock. I don’t understand the human body sometimes. But I am wet for sex but no blood which is good.

Sex is the same, it feels no different for me, he never says anything about it being different either. So the sponge is a successful plug. There is no blood & I feel very wet – which is usual for me, I do freak out a few times thinking it’s blood but it’s not. He even goes down on me & I don’t mind – if fact I cum hard… (I usually don’t let guys go down on me during my period).

The sponge is a perfect solution, there was no sign of blood, I barely felt it during sex. However there is a few downsides to the sponge so it’s not all wonderful. While there was no mess during sex, I could feel it when I was being fingered & it was a lot of pressure inside of me – almost to the point of pain. However while having sex, there was no pressure & no pain. So maybe his finger is in deeper than his cock, I don’t know but being fingered was different to being fucked.

When it was time to take out the sponge, I started freaking out – even though they can be used as a tampon according to websites, I wanted it out asap. As I slide my clean finger in, everything felt the same, soft, warm, wet & squishy. Where the fuck is the sponge? So I literally squat so close to the ground in the bathroom & I think I feel it. I saw a picture on google drawn of course where the person hooks their finger around it or slip two fingers in & pinch it out. But after sex, I couldn’t get two fingers inside me. As I hook my finger around the sponge, it came out fairly easily but a few drops of blood dripped on the floor too, lucky I did this in the bathroom for easy clean up. I cleaned the sponge & all was well.

If I was a product reviewer, I would seriously say that this is an amazing idea. I always thought growing up when I would skip my periods for like 10 years, that this can’t be good for me. I also think contraception is the reason so many women struggle with weight, especially when we skip our periods so often. Yeah they’re annoying but they’re there for a reason.

So I have actually purchased some reusable sponges for this purpose – sex & maybe for tampons. In the future this could happen more & even if they aren’t paranoid about blood, I can have sex without freaking out they are going to see blood… This is a serious game changer. Again though, do this at your own risk.

#IBD4U

Fussy

Fussy Definition

/ˈfʌsi/Learn to pronounce adjective adjective: fussy; comparative adjective: fussier; superlative adjective: fussiest

Fastidious about one’s needs or requirements; hard to please.

The number one thing I have been told as a single person may or may not surprise you. I’ve done a blog about all clichés I have been told like “You’ll meet him when you least expect it” blah blah blah, however the number one thing I am told when I talk about my dating life is that “You are too fussy”

Fussy as definded by a google search above is that one is hard to please because their needs aren’t being met. If you follow the definition of fussy, yes I am. My needs aren’t not being met. However, they way people mean it when they say it to a single person, is that you throw away all the good men because they aren’t perfect.

I would 100% disagree with this now. I have dated so many men & there are very few that I’ve ever had the chance to reject. I have even recently gone back for seconds with douches who called me a “Hagg” (whatever he meant about that!)

I have in the past been fussy, when I was overweight I was bitter & always thought I deserved better than what I got, however, I still never really had the oportunity to reject anyone before they rejected me.

#IBD4U

Tim Tam #3

So there is a Tim Tam #3. Lets get on with it, because this is still stuff happening in 2019, les get caught up to the shit show year that was 2020. By the way, happy 2021 everyone, hope it’s treating you well so far!

So after Tim Tam jumps up & kills the spider for me in my bedroom, he gets back into bed & we talk. We do attempt sex again but he can’t keep it hard & he goes down on me. He notices the restraints through the sheets & he says something about them again & I realise that he’s really worried about them & what it means. I guess I consider myself kinky, I don’t like labels & as you all know I am not kinky with random men ever, they have to earn my trust. Which reminds me of something Foodland talked about – he wanted to know more about my kinky side. I talked but not in detail & told him that I won’t be doing anything until I can trust him. Lets face it, I have only really been kinky with 3 men my whole life, so I’m not like an expert or anything by any means!

But I think this intimidates Tim Tam when he feels the restraints & feels out of his depth, that’s fine I am not going to push him to do anything he doesn’t want too & I tell him this, I also explain it’s more for me than him when he tells me again he doesn’t want anything up his ass… Again, I never asked to put anything up his ass…

When Tim Tam leaves I think that he’s probably going to need me to make an effort to message first, I can just tell that he’s a bit freaked out by the conversation tonight. Kink isn’t something I talk about with people early on, in fact most of the time the three guys I have been kinky with have brought it up themselves. Except Silverlining, we just sort of evolved into it, I knew he was dominant & he knew I liked to be dominated, but by the second time we fucked I trusted him with everything that I tied myself up & waited for him. I guess that isn’t going to happen with Tim Tam. Hahaha. That’s ok, I am honestly not ready for another kinky guy. I have destroyed my friendship with the only man I ever loved, I don’t think I am even ready for this casual thing with Tim Tam.

However, I message him again when I haven’t heard from him in a while, he messages back & I cheekily ask if he’s on the spider hunt, & send him a meme that says “I just whispered ‘come at me bro’ to a spider & it ran towards me, so now I’m running naked down the street.’ He laughs & he says no, but I’m not sure if he gets the inuendo in the suggestion but I he replies then stops & I never hear from him again! Yeah another one bites the dust!

One interesting fact about either me or men I choose, I always seem to find a man who hasn’t slept with anyone else since their long term partner. Origin. Noddy. Elvis. Probably Motocross. & I am almost certain that Construction was the same. Why am I the rebound girl? What is it about me that screams rebound? Why aren’t I the one that the men want to be with. Noddy told me that he didn’t want to use me as a rebound & that’s exactly what he did… Origin the second time around said the same & now they’re both in relationships, with beautiful women. Is it that I am not as beautiful as them?

This isn’t a healthy mind set, so I decide to take control. I have ended things with Silverlining only a few months before, it’s almost 2020, (remember I’m not in real time) so I make a pact with myself to focus on myself. Focus on me. Get a hobby, which I create a hobby business & put my name on some lists with breeders for a puppy. I am going to focus on my career in 2020 (not that I haven’t my whole life already), I am not going to date. I am really going to get my life under control, my finances. I am going to try not to think about not only the love I destroyed, but the friendship with Silverlining. I am going to work on me. I actually welcome in the new year 2020 with such optimism that this is going to be my year, that this is going to be focusing on me, focusing on loving myself.

What a fucking twat I was! I mean 2020 was literally the worst year in history, not only did I not have the man I love, I lost my job, my hobby business was closed due to covid, so I had nothing to occupy my time… What a disastrous mix!

Bring on the stories of 2020. However, with new found mantra – not a new years resolution – I hate those, I don’t know what I am going to write about, there is going to be no dating. No men. No idiots – lets see what happens! Keep reading to find out!

#IBD4U

Foodland #2

So I’m skipping ahead with the time line actually, without giving too much away in my dating life right now, this is more recent – I still have a lot of content but this one is bugging me. I have dated another guy earlier that I dated before which I will write about because apparently I’ve dated them all, now I’m dating for the second time but I really want to hear what you guys think.

If you don’t remember Foodland, then click the link & go back to have a read. I wish I had of before I attempted date number 2, I would have kept to my gut instinct & not gone there at all! Spoiler alert, number 2 isn’t sounding promising, is it?! Hahaha.

Anyway a few times over the years when I am online dating Foodland comes up often & I chat but it usually fizzles out – mainly because of the first time, what’s the point, he had his chance with me. When I am with Silverlining, I am a bitch to Foodland knowing that I don’t care if I hurt his feelings but I give it to him straight & tell him he was a dick for fucking me then never messaging again. He again disappears & I think no love lost.

Another passage of time goes by & Foodland pops back up again, I decide to give him a go, I have given another dude from the past. a go post Silverling ending that I think perhaps this may work out?! Foodland tells me I was really angry last time we chatted & I explain that I was because I don’t want to be used, I didn’t feel like he was putting in effort & he says that he didn’t feel like I was interested or putting in effort either. Ok, fair call, I probably wasn’t when I was still chatting to Silverlining, but this time, I figure that I’ll give him a chance.

When he invites me out after I tell him that he never actually asked me out on a date the last few times we’ve chatted. It’s a crazy time for me, a friend & her baby have moved in as she left her partner & I have dogs now, after living with just my cat for the last 14 years, my house is a disaster, baby & dog stuff everywhere.

Foodland suggests gold class cinema because he wants a drink, I’d never been so I agree to go out with him on Friday night. We chat all day but I am out with my friend so when I don’t reply quick enough he asks me another question or sends me a picture of what he’s doing. Same as when I am at the gym, I don’t reply quick enough & he asks me if I want him to leave me alone. I tell him I will reply when I can between reps. I don’t see it as needy but think it’s sweet he’s interested.

He offers to pick me up Friday night, when I realise that he lives right by the cinema but he comes so far out of his way to come get me, but I tell him that he can’t come in via text, with my friend & baby here, the house looking like a disaster, but he says that he’s coming in, there’s no stopping it.

He also tells me that there are two rules to tonight’s movie, that he will hold my hand & he can shut his eyes if it’s scary. I tell him that he can’t hold my hand… FUCK! I do not want to hold his hand! I know that I have had sex with this man at some point in the past so I take the opportunity to remind him that I am not going to have sex with him tonight – he says that he was waiting for me to say that to him & I tell him I think that holding hands is to intimate. He & my friend do not get this but let me explain. I have lived with one man who barely held my hand & been in love with one man who never had time to hold my hand & we both regretted that. It’s such an intimate thing for me, that means something. It means there is affection, friendship possibly love. Not some random boy who I fucked once like 5 years ago & haven’t heard from again.  

Because I don’t want to have sex with him tonight, I tell him he needs to work for it a bit more than get it on the first date like last time – even though his isn’t a first date I tell him that we need to go on more than one date. So he asks to see me Sunday, but I am busy & we work out that we can catch up Monday. Well this is promising 2 dates set up!

I spend a short time getting ready for Friday nights date, asking my friend & kid what to wear – she suggests a dress she likes me in but it’s a bit casual & she suggests that’s what I will wear on Monday’s date. We pick an outfit & when I enter the lounge room once I’m dressed, she tells me I look amazing. I feel like I have crazy hair & my make up is too simple but it’s the boost to my ego that I need, is that I look stunning & amazing. I am confident, this guy & I get along already so this date should be good.

When he arrives at my house, my friend is peering out the window saying how tall he is, he comes in & meets her & the baby, they have a laugh & my friend makes a joke about holding hands. She talks to him about his car, I ask him if he’s got the tickets to the movies, he says no but he’s booked a table at the restaurant I choose. As we leave he’s booking the gold class tickets, at $45 a pop.. Fuck the movie are expensive!

We order dinner, which he pays for, I order steak & he gets the order right. I did offer to pay for dinner being he bought the movie tickets but he tells me to just get us drinks, which I do. He buys another drink for us as the conversation flows easily. So easily that when my friend texts me to ask me if he’s held my hand yet, I laugh & tell him – its now become a big joke of the date but I honestly really don’t want to hold his hand.

We get to the movie & I suggest a bottle of wine for the movie, when he says he doesn’t drink a lot of wine so I can pick – in hindsight we should have just got a drink or two each, not a bottle. I am already ticking over very well!

We watch the movie, as his hand slides over to my leg, I actually think that this guy could be something more & against my better judgement, I let my guard down, just for a second & I let his fingers slide though mine & we hold hands for most of the movie!

OMG how risqué!

Anyway after the movie, we get in the car & as we’re driving home he takes a detour to a carpark & pulls up, turns to me & starts kissing me. The kissing is nice, it’s not amazing but it feels good. He doesn’t try anything further before he pulls away & we’re driving up the expressway. As we get closer to my house, I suggest the local boat ramp for some more kissing, which he does, we get out to look at the moon but I’m cold so we get back in kissing some more before he drops me home. Unfortunately because I am a bit more than tipsy, I don’t recall a lot of what happened, except that when he drops me off he doesn’t wait till I am inside before he drives off.   

I go to bed & fall fast asleep just after midnight.

I awake around 8:30 am, getting ready to go to the gym, I feel a little shit – why did I drink so much! Urgh… There is a message from him “Night u thanks for a fun night” sent at 12:24 am. I quickly write back in the morning while running late, half asleep not thinking “Thanks. You’re welcome. I had fun too.”  Expecting a reply later in the day, but nothing comes. At all! In fact I never hear from Foodland again! EVER…

What the actual fuck! I honestly feel violated… I explicably told him I did not want to hold his fucking hand because it means something to me & this guy has the audacity to not write to me ever again?! On Sunday with still no reply from him, I write “… Can I just ask, why did you even want to hold my hand so desperately?”  I get nothing so on Monday after he sends me a snapchat of his outfit for ice skating & looks at my snapchat story, I say “You’re a strange unit. Best of luck. ”  

So another fuck wit bites the dust… Since then he looks at every story I post on snapchat, as does Motocross – still to this day! Hahaha… What is with that?

I know that hand holding doesn’t mean as much to others as it does me, clearly because my friend thinks I am fucking hilarious how upset I am that I let my guard down & held his hand to just be ignored the next day! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I get that it might not be what he expected, but why ghost me? He didn’t have to message me at 12:30 am to say he had a good time if he didn’t. That would have been the perfect time to ghost me… Men are so weird, I have no idea how to decipher this one…!

Another friend thinks he was pissed off I didn’t write back immediately or that I didn’t say sorry for the next day reply… But really?! Is he that childish & needy?

What do you think happened here?!

#IBD4U

Coutry

Yes, before you say anything… This guy has a spelling error in his name! I don’t even know how I am going to keep up with it, it’s so annoying, I point it out to him & he says that he knows… WTF?!… So I nickname him Grape in my phone, eventually for reasons I can’t disclose or it will reveal too much about him. I met him online around the time I was online before Noddy – I think we met on the chat app but possibly we met on a dating site then chatted on the chat app… I can’t really remember how this begun, but we chat on the chat app.

We chat sporadically for a while but then he just kind of just disappears – he’s living in Port Lincoln but also staying . Following that, he tries to talk to me a few times but I ignore him… What’s the point? I mean is there any point, I decided I deserve better which is why I ended it with Silverlining 2.0 but I wonder if this is all I am going to get from a man. A half ass relationship, a half ass messaging buddy?!

But he comes back online to say “Merry Christmas Beautiful”, as you all know this is after I’m so hurt from the second break up with Silverlining, so I think maybe I need to give Coutry a second chance too!? If Silverlining deserves one, then maybe everyone else does!

I reply to him & we end up texting for a bit, he seems nice & I quite like him. He actually reminds me of a guy, I can’t remember what I nicknamed him though, possibly the dude from right at the start of this blog called Willunga.

We organise a date & I am not that into it to be honest, I have just ended something major to me, broken my heart, but I want a partner. I know I want a partner. I proper partner. Not just a half assed partner who has a partner already. I am not that excited about the date but I am trying to get excited about it. I am out with another friend when I get a message from him telling me that he is too sunburn to meet me. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I then get a shirtless photo of him with sunburn, yeah it does look pretty bad & does look like it would be sore, so I just say yeah no worries & something about hoping he feels better soon, I think I also say some shit about drinking lots of water. I am slightly relieved but also annoyed… Who gets that burnt the day they are going on a date with someone. I can honestly say that this is probably the most hilarious excuse for not being able to go on a date with someone?!

After that he disappears after that, he never tries to message me again, I mean what is that all about?! I don’t get why men put in so much effort, I finally agree to go out with them & then they bail? I’m not saying this is just an excuse to bail, maybe he really was sunburnt & couldn’t put on a shirt, but what I never understand when a man bails after putting so much effort to get you to say yes to them, why do they bail with a weird lame excuse & not lock in the next date? If I genuinely like a man – even do this with friends & have to bail on plans, I will apologise profusely & try to lock in a date in the future, something soon because I will feel so terrible… People bail on me, don’t really say sorry, don’t really care, don’t lock in the next date.

A few months later, he tries to talk to me again, I sporadically reply but I am not interested in this man. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

When you read stories like this & if you don’t really get my connection with Silverlining, this is why. This type of guy. It happens to me so often, they put in so much effort then disappear. I don’t get it. But this is why I got so involved with Silverlining, regardless of his life outside of me – right or wrong – he was consistent. He messaged, he told me how he felt. As much as it was shit he had a whole other life, I didn’t even doubt his feelings for me. I doubt that these types of guys are even interested in me or if they are just dating to see how many women they can get to say yes to a date with them?!

#IBD4U

Tim Tam #2

I bet you never thought there would be a #2 for this guy right?! Yep neither did I… but fuck some people surprise me!

I go back to bed & sleep till about 10:00 am when I hear a knock at the door. I just assume it’s the post man or something with a parcel but when I open the door looking like absolute shit, I see Tim Tam standing there with a bunch of flowers… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! A bunch of fucking flowers!

I don’t even know what to say, no one night stand has ever come back to the scene of the crime like 3 hours later with fucking flowers… Who the fuck brings flowers. This has turned me into a fucking giggling shy school girl. No man ever has left in the morning & come back or shown this much affection (for lack of a better word) to me after one night. What the actual fuck is going on?!

I invite him in & sit there completely dumbfounded, unsure what to say & he asks me “you’re tripping out right now aren’t you?” I relax a bit when he says that & explain that no guy comes back like this nor have they ever brought me flowers. He says that he’s not like that to just sleep with someone & leave & that felt so bad that he couldn’t stop thinking about how it all went down. He says that he likes me & is keen to go kayaking (I can’t remember why or how we get onto the topic but we do – I think a kayaking friend won’t hurt.) & it’s what prompts us to swap numbers. I get the vibe he just wants to be friends. He talks about going with the flow a lot again, I am fine with it. I mean it’s only a month or so since I ended things with Silverlining that I am not ready to jump into anything anyway. This are not good for me in other aspects of my life now either, that I am not ready to jump into anything nor do I even think I want a partner at this point. A guy friend to hang out with, maybe try to have sex again (if he can keep I hard) with might be a good distraction without the relationship status. A true friends with benefits.

He stays at my house for about 30 minutes before he leaves, saying we’ll catch up soon & hopes there’s no hard feelings. I of course am not going to hold a grudge, I mean I wouldn’t have even if I never heard from him again. But I am glad he did!

But I don’t hear from him the next day but when I am back at work a few people ask about the weekend & it prompts me to write to him telling him people were talking about us. FUCK. It’s late at night & he says that he’s just finished work, we’re messaging & he says that I am being cheeky, but when he asks what I am doing, I say watching a movie he says the likes movies. Is he invited himself over? He asks what time I start work & says that because I am messaging him I must not be watching the movie. Then he says he’s interested to know what people talked about him & so I just invite him over. I’m not sure what he means but he says ‘very discreet’ I think he means subtle? As he’s been seemingly been hinting at the fact he wants to come over. Next minute, he is on his way to my house, I send the poking out tongue emoji & he says that I’m funny & is on his way. I don’t know what is funny but I just go with it.

I open the door to him & walk straight to my bedroom, I am not going to sit in the lounge room, we’ve already had sex, he’s clearly here for sex it’s 11:00 pm. He jumps onto my bed with me, we sit there chatting & just having a good get to you know general chit chat when he tells me that the emoji that I keep sending him of the tongue poking out means I want to be licked… WTF?! No no no dude, it means that I am being cheeky. We have a disagreement about it that has us both in fits of laughter. My whole life is a life if that’s what it means?! I use it all the time being cheeky, not wanting to be licked by someone! Imagine how different my life could be if I knew the meanings for emojis & used the incorrectly or correctly?! What if I used an emoji wrong with the right guy & he stopped writing back to me because he thinks I am a fucking idiot…!? OMG.

I will admit, I just go with it with Tim Tam about the poking out emoji meaning that I want to be licked but I do google it later & I believe that I am using it right! Hahaha… I don’t bother having the discussion with him again. I just know that I am right & keep the joke going with him later. When we kiss & have sex, he is hard & on top of me but then can’t keep it hard once the condom is on. I know some men have this problem but I am not prepared to fuck him without one. He makes another joke about it but I know that he doesn’t mean it & is self-conscious about this. We lay there just talking & laughing, I find him so funny, when I see in the corner of the room a little black spot. I freak out, there is a spider in the corner of the room. I am so arachnophobic that I start freaking out that he jumps up to get rid of it for me. I am literally laughing so much at the fact that this guy is jumped around my room naked to kill a spider for me… Maybe I have sold this one short? Maybe there will be a Tim Tam #3?

#IBD4U

Tim Tam

My heart is shattered. I can barely function if I am not at work. It’s the only thing that is getting me out of bed. However as you know things aren’t great for me. I have not only destroyed the friendship with my best friend so I have no one to lean on or even talk too, but I have lost the true love of my life. I’ve lied to a lot of friends about this affair so I can’t tell them now it’s over. I don’t believe we are just destined for one person but I believe that Silverlining was my person, my other half if you will. The chemistry, the passion, the trust & honesty  we shared was like that of no other. I don’t want to say that I don’t think I’ll find it again because that’s unfair for who I honestly end up with & say to him “I’ve been dating you for.” However, it’s hard to visualise a future that doesn’t involve Silverlining. It’s hard to believe that I am not going to marry the man I want to be with more than anything else.

But I have ended it – right or wrong, I have done it. To give you some more info about Silverlining, he of course said that he’ll message when he can, so of course, me being me, I track in my head the three weeks of leave that she is on & wait & wait, hoping every day that he will message me when she goes back to work, knowing that he is unemployed that he will be bored & he’ll message me. That message never comes. NEVER. I get wasted on Christmas day & end up bawling to my mum & dad about how I was seeing him again & how sad I am, I know they are concerned for me. I open up his chat app account & send him a Merry Christmas… It never sends. The same thing happens on New Year’s Eve, I get so drunk & message him a happy new year. Again it never sends. His birthday comes, while I am not drunk that night, but I send him a happy birthday & again, it never sends. This oddly feels me with comfort that he is not online trolling for chats. Maybe he is actually focusing on his family.

After I end it with Silverlining (or Noodle Part 2), I decide that I am not going to try to “fill the void” by fucking every single man that I can find. It was so unfulfilling, even though I have a friend telling me to fuck someone else, I can’t bring myself to do it. So this time I need something to take my mind off boys, off work, off how alone I feel. So I start looking for new hobbies, something new to do. I already go to the gym, I kayak, I go for bike rides, I’ve been considering a puppy now that I am not travelling as much for work. But it’s not enough to keep me occupied. One of my passions is training, so I look at some courses I can do. I enrol in multiple short courses, some beauty courses & some writing courses. I need something to occupy my mind. While you all know I love writing, I am always thinking of ways to make this blog more than it is. But when I am actually talking with Silverlining, it’s always hard to write & want to write a book because I’m pretty sure he’ll fucking hate my guts for this blog!

So the writing courses are very helpful & I love them. I also enrol in some beauty courses doing eyelash extensions & facial waxing. I have had eyelash extensions for a few years & think this is something that I can do at home after hours.

Those of you who know me, know when I do something I go all in. I get a logo made up & I start a Facebook page for my new hobby. However I keep it pretty quiet, there is already a beauty person at my gym, I have no intentions of building this hobby as I have a career goal I am working towards, I just want something to take my mind off everything shit in my life & lets face it, right now there isn’t a lot to be happy about.

I am not the type to wallow in my own misery, you all know this. I have a heart of stone, I just need to put my walls back up & solider on. This little hobby is only a couple of hours a week, if that. I mean writing this blog takes up so much fucking time so the hobby doesn’t take up the time I was hoping it would so I do some more courses & spend so much time online looking for more courses & making business cards & stuff. This little hobby takes on a mind of it’s own, before I know it, I am not thinking about Silverlining, I am not thinking about other shit parts of my life, I am really enjoying something again & that makes me happier. This is about the time I organise Cocktails with #IBD4U too. Something else to keep my mind off things, but as you know from that blog, that gave me so much anxiety on top of all the other anxiety planning that event! Never again! Hahaha.

Anyway with my mind off losing my best friend, it gives me time to think about what I want in 2020. We all know how 2020 has turned out with Covid & all that bullshit going on around us, but at the end of 2019, I knew that I wasn’t going to just fill a void by fucking just anyone. I am not online dating, I am not looking for anyone. As much as I want to have sex & forget the feeling of fucking Silverlining, I am not going to just try to wipe that memory because it hurts.

At a function for Christmas, I am trying my hardest to not get too drunk & do a stupid crying thing. I even tell a friend to take me home no matter what I say to her when she’s trying to leave, but I want to leave with him & go home with some dignity. There is a guy, he’s pretty cute, he’s slightly Asian looking. Not the type of guy I usually go for – obviously I tend to go for Silverlining look a likes, but this guy is cute, a litter taller than me & when our table runs out of a lemon tarts (that I ate 2 of already) he goes & gets us another plate with enough for everyone & then disappears. I think nothing of it.

But as the free drinks start flowing, I keep seeing him, he catches my eye, I’m not sure why. When the drinks end & we go into another room, the dancing starts – remember when you could dance at a function. He doesn’t ever dance with me, but he dances near me a lot. We don’t make a lot of eye contact so I think nothing of it either. However the event ends & we all get kicked out. I am not sober by any means but am not a drunk as others there. We got to the local pub & shooters start happening, OMG. I am not good with shooters what is happening!

I end up sitting at a table outside with friends when Tim Tam sits down next to me. We get chatting, the first time since we basically have been seeing each other all day. While we’re sitting there, I can’t work out if he is interested or what. I am so drunk I don’t really remember it all to be honest. We’ve had our hands on each other’s laps & we’ve had a little peck on the lips, I know that I am surrounded by people I know, so I am careful about this interaction with this guy. We talk a fair bit, where he works, what he does, that he’s recently divorced, just turned 40, 2 almost adult boys. He’s living with his brother at the moment through his separation & the more I talk to him the more I like him.

When I know it’s time to go home, I know he lives down south too & I offer him a ride in my cab, we drop off another friend first & then to my house. This is weird because I’ve not invited him in, I’ve not discussed him coming in but we’ve been canoodling in the back of the taxi that I just assume him might come in but I don’t think I offer. However, he gets out the cab at my house & we go inside.

I don’t recall a great deal of how all things went down, but we end up in bed, we’re not naked, just chatting. He talks about how many pillows are on my bed, it’s a running joke with a lot of people. He also feels the X restraints under my sheets & asks what it is, telling me he doesn’t want his ass fucked… Okay!? Did I ask to fuck his ass?! Also is that the first thought a guy has when they know I have restraints?!

We end up kissing & getting undressed. When we’re naked & he’s kissing me, on top of me, I pull out a condom & he spends ages putting it on. I have to give the guy a break here, I am assuming I’m one of the first he’s been with since his separation/divorce & he probably didn’t use them with her as he said they were together 20 years or so. However he barely gets his cock inside me before he’s soft. He tries to keep going but obviously that is not going to work. He rolls off me & we lay there talking. I am not fussed to be honest. I like him but I hate myself, I did think about Silverlining & how we’d never have the problem of him being soft around me.

Tim Tam & I talk a lot more, he tells me that since his divorce or separation that he’s just going with the flow. We end up going to sleep really late, he hogs my pillow even though I have 7 on my bed, he shares mine all night so I don’t sleep well. I don’t sleep well anyway with a guy in my bed, even when drunk, but when one is sleeping on my pillow, I don’t sleep well at all. He’s awake at like 7:00 am saying he needs to go home. I offer to drive him but he says that he’ll walk home. He doesn’t live far away, he seems to be in a rush to leave & I don’t know if it’s just that now in the light of day he’s like what the fuck happened, or with a sober mind he’s not interested or what. I see him out, offering many times to drop him off but he declines. I go back to bed & I am too tired to cry, but all I want to do right now is bawl my eyes out. Every encounter I have with a man just makes me want to cry.

#IBD4U

Guest Blog: Beauty Queen #2

This week as you can imagine, finishing the last blog as it did has been a struggle to write. However I do have a lot of new fun, stupid & cringeworthy content coming up! I promise.

But in the meantime here is part two of the beauty queen, a male blogger in the USA. I love his blog.

Link is below!

The Beauty Queen Part 2

A young blond woman has just been crowned Miss World

New Year’s Eve and I was alone. I don’t think there is any more alone than alone on New Year’s Eve. I guess, if you think about it, getting a date should be pretty easy. After all, no one wants to be by themselves that night. Yet, here I was on my couch, turning on Netflix, resigned to a dismal evening. My girlfriend had broken up with me less than a month before; my “friend” Pia had escaped to the shore; and the woman I had met earlier rang no romantic bells (catch up with pt1 here). And then I got a notification I had a match on a dating app. This must be some woman even more desperate than me, I thought, as I signed in only to find a beautiful woman staring back from her profile pic. Tasha.

I joked I was wearing the same sweater she had on in her profile pic. Really? she asked. Yes, I replied. My abs aren’t as defined as yours and my cleavage isn’t as sexy, but definitely the same cropped sweater. I accomplished a lot with that line, I think. I acknowledged I wasn’t as hot as her. It wasn’t false modesty on my part. This woman was more beautiful  than 95% of the world’s population. For the time being, you’ll just have to trust my subjective opinion on the matter. I noted her obvious sexiness without howling like a wolf. And I displayed a sense of humor. She lol’d me and said she loved a man with cleavage. And so the dance began.

In all relationships, I think, there is an alpha and a beta. One person is reaching higher and the other is holding a hand behind. Maybe it’s looks or personality or maturity or finance, but there’s always something. In this case, Tasha was most definitely the alpha. I had two choices from there: bow down before her beauty or ignore it. I suspect a woman like Tasha is accustomed to men fawning over her. I decided to go the opposite way. I had nothing to lose and possibly a beautiful woman to gain.

I often think back to my college days a very long time. I went to Rutgers, the state university here in New Jersey, USA. As you might imagine, most of the students were in-state, as it was a cheaper alternative to private university. The school itself had a decent reputation nationwide. Rarely would you find anyone from California at Rutgers. There just was no reason. Why would anyone travel from that fantasy land on the west coast to the much-maligned state of New Jersey on the east coast? Don’t get me wrong, I love New Jersey. In fact, I think it has so much to offer from bustling beaches to skiing, access to New York City pizza and Philly cheese steaks from the source, and high tech corporations to family farms. I consider it the most eclectic of states. Come visit, you’ll see. That said, I cannot think of a single reason anyone would voluntarily leave California to go to Rutgers University.

Nevertheless, I saw Catherine from California in a bikini playing frisbee on the quad between the apartment buildings the first week of September 1981. She had clearly stepped out of a Beach Boys song and taken a wrong turn. She was blonde and blue-eyed, lithe and tanned. She was like a beacon of pure light on the green expanse of lawn. She laughed with each toss of the frisbee to her friend, like no one was there watching them. I was mesmerized. Every boy within eyesight was. All of a sudden, every one of them wanted to hang out on the quad. The Buffs felt the need to lose their t-shirts. Other frisbees started gliding back and forth. She was the focal point of all conversations the rest of the day and by day’s end, most of us knew she was from California and single. For some reason, she got the nickname “Senior Project”. I’m not sure why. She was a freshman and most of the guys were not seniors, but I guess the idea was to make her your own by senior year. And dozens of guys took their shot. She shot them all down as gently as can be. I bring Catherine up because she was actually the most wonderful of girls, beautiful inside as well. I did fawn over her too for some time, but she never went for it. She was always attentive and polite to me, but did not encourage my boy games. In the end, she began dating a guy. He was neither the most handsome nor the most athletic, but they connected completely and it was easy to see they had fallen in love. I knew such things were possible.

Tasha and I passed the night easily. We each made a cocktail or two at our respective houses, asking questions, making jokes, just talking about movies and music and food. The dm’ing was delightful and the night passed quickly. I learned she was from a state out west, she was of Scot ancestry, owned her own cosmetic business, had one daughter, lived fairly close, and was divorced. For the briefest of moments, I wondered if I should invite her over. No, no, I realized this was just one of those magical times when I connect with a wonderful woman, but it was destined to be brief and, in the long run, inconsequential. I didn’t really think Tasha would fall in love with me like Catherine had with her boyfriend so many years ago. This would just be a very nice memory tomorrow. We watched the ball drop in Times Square and wished each other the best of new years. We were just two lonely strangers passing the night. She sent me the kiss emoji and I sent one back. Just before we said good night, she said, Tell me something very few people know about you. I told her I had written an unpublished book some time ago. I’m proud of it and consider it one of my few, but great, accomplishments. And you? I asked.

She sent me a picture. Tasha was considerably younger, but the woman in the picture was her. She was in a flowing teal gown. There was a line of gorgeous women in a row  behind her, also in long gowns with sashes naming counties I did not know. She was smiling broadly and genuinely, while grasping a huge bouquet of roses. She had a tiara on her head and a sash draped diagonally from her shoulder proclaiming her Mrs. ******** County*. She was being crowned a state beauty queen. And the beauty queen was saying good night.

*the number of *’s does not correspond to the name of the county.

Here is a link to his blog! https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/85889956/posts/2703146567

#IBD4U

Silverlining #39

I said last blog that I am not sure how much longer I can live with Silverling living a double life. But what I really mean, is how long can I live with me living a double life too?! I haven’t told many people about this second affair – we’re almost 3 months in, I haven’t been honest with those close to me. I am pretending I am ok about the other stuff in my life, I am acting like I am ok – except for some outbursts which I shrug off but I later realise this is not the type of person that I am, I am thankful for my psychologist during this time & even now!

Silverlining is the only one coping my ridiculous bad moods of jealously & anger. I start to think that he is the problem… He is the reason why things are so bad in other aspects, why I am not saving any money, why I am not happy in my life… He is the cause! He has to be! I’m in the job I want, well I am working towards a side step to the career I want, but I am in the workplace I want to be at, doing something I love. I earn a very good wage for someone without a university degree. I have the house I want, an investment property, so Silverlining has to the the cause of all my troubles, right?!

We’ve planned for me to go to his house the next day, things are so bad at the moment for me, that all I want is to spend some time with him, get a hug, some reassurance, some love and of course an orgasm or two or maybe three. However I ask before he goes offline what time tomorrow, he says 10:00ish & I ask if he is going to the gym before or if that’s his cover, however he doesn’t reply, he said chat again soon, love you & logged off. The next morning, I wake up before 8:00 am but there is no message from him, no reply from last night, this is fucked & I think fuck I have wasted a day off for this man & he’s going to fucking bail on me! I’m even talking to Dom Dom & saying how pissed I am that I feel like I have wasted a day off on Silverlining. It’s so unlike him to bail, to not come online & tell me that he’s not going to be able to meet. He would at least come online to say he can’t, surely? I mean what if I just rocked up at 10:00am & she’s there?

But he does message me, eventually telling me that his partner slept in & has only just left but he will be free around 10:00am. At the time I am pissed obviously being that if she was asleep, he still comes online to chat to me before she wakes up, he’s also probably had to drop the kids at school & childcare so he has time to long on a reassure me that he’s going to see me today. Why didn’t he log on early when the kids usually wake up around 6:00 am or 7:00 am & also why didn’t he just wake his partner up to make her go to work?! He says that his daughter was up all through the night, which he usually tends to them when they wake up from what I understand, however, who knows what is true & what is not. My mind is in overdrive over this, I don’t even understand how this happens if he didn’t sleep in himself?! This is weird!

But like an idiot, I am in my car driving to his house around 10:00am, having washed my hair this morning, got carefully ready in a cute outfit so that he eyes would pop out of his head when he sees me, but not too made up that I look like I am trying to hard – fuck being a mistress is hard work sometimes! Hahaha.

I get to his house & he’s in turned on mode already, we don’t talk much just say our hellos & we’re kissing passionately at the door, hands everywhere like we can’t get close enough to each other. We’re stripping our clothes off each other & he’s pushing me back towards his area & his couch, I suck his cock first as always! Fuck I love the feel of this mans cock inside me – I can’t hold out any longer! I love the feel of his arms around me, his tongue in my mouth. His hands on my skin!

When we’re fucking, he pulls out & cums on my leg trying to stop himself, but because he stays hard, I grab his cock & make him fuck me more. I climb on top making myself cum on his cock by riding him hard, I stick my tits in his face & he instinctively sucks on them, which he know turns me on & makes me wetter.

Afterwards we sit talking & hugging, being lovey dovey, something neither of us do well. I think he is awkward about it because I am awkward about it, but I think he does it better than I do! It’s sweet & as much as I love his dick in me, I love this time the most. The time we talk, mostly about people from the chat app or work but we talk at lot.

When we fuck again, he pounds me so hard into the couch it hurts my back, I have this weird sensation of wanting to tell him to stop I’m actually in real pain but also loving that it’s turning him on so much that I am being fucked so hard. It’s hot & sexy & I love it!

But then Silverlining gets up off the couch, I’ve only been there about an hour or so & he is basically telling me to go. I am a bit annoyed, I mean I took the whole day off to see him & he’s kicking me out. What am I meant to do with the rest of my day? I tell him I am not leaving & so he says that her parents are coming this weekend & are snobs so he’s got to clean the house. I tell him he can clean & chat to me, he starts off with a over crowded bookshelf, with so many books not even sitting flat in there & crap. He stands around in his boxers shoving the books in. I notice a book about sex – the art of sex or something which makes me smirk… I wonder if that was bought before or after the first affair?!

He tried to dust this giant elephant thing, that I just suggest he runs under the tap, which he does & it comes up nicely. He comes over to me again, I thinking wanting me to go but knowing I won’t without cumming again. He says he’s not going to get hard, but he turns me on & makes me cum again. I am busting for the toilet & I don’t want to go at his house, so I get up at leave, only 3 hours into this supposed to be fuck fest. I guess I just expected that he’d want to spend more time with me if he could. This is a perfect opportunity.

I notice a pile of my hair on the towels he lays down in case I squirt, which I pick up & take with me. I do consider for a split second leaving it there, hell I’ve even thought about leaving an earring behind or something, stuff it under the couch & hope she finds it not him. But what’s the point, she finds it, he’ll lie – say it was from the first time or convince her that it’s hers. So as much as I think of these things, I don’t bother.

As I am walking out the door because he’s being distant & hasn’t said I love you, I say it as I am shutting the door, I doubt that he even hears me & I hate myself instantly for not saying it to his face – wasn’t that my biggest regret the first time around?! I don’t want it to be that this time around!

When we chat later in the day he tells me that he did hear me say I love you & he said it back, he thanks me for taking my hair too & tells me that he did clean the toilet in case I needed to go. He tells me about a business idea he has & I think it’s an amazing idea. I tell him that I fully support him & since he just got his pay out from work, that he should go for it.

The next few days I am in a bad mood, things aren’t going well for me anywhere, Silverlining is chatting, but not much, I also see him chatting in the groups but taking ages to reply to my messages. I get really upset & jealous about it. He tells me that he’s really busy – um, you’re unemployed dude! Surely you can write back to my messages & also he’s chatting in the group non stop so it fucks me off. He says that he’s pulled back as he wants his free time back & that I was dating with Motocross so he expected me to get off the apps when that got serious. He doesn’t say I love you or wait for my reply, he just says he’s off for the day & chat again soon with a x. I say that I hate that he makes me feel so insignificant, he was chatting online all day in the groups then says that he wants his life back, his free time. He tells me that I am not insignificant to him he says that he can’t chat to me 24/7 which I never asked for. Then he tells me that she is home tomorrow so he won’t be on at all. I’ve heard this before, I mean we used to chat at least in the mornings & at night when she was home. I ask if he will even say hi to me & I get nothing.

I am so fucking hurt, so wound up with other things that I am so sad I don’t get to speak to my best friend about the stuff going on in my life. He doesn’t even say goodbye some days now, just logging off & no goodbye or even I love you. The next day after being in a foul mood, I decide to perk myself up & send him some cheekie pictures, but he seems so disinterested, that I delete them & change my profile picture that he loves to something inanimate. I refuse to message him first & he notices that I took my face down, I say that I feel like an idiot so yeah that’s why I took them down. I don’t get much from him at all & I don’t even know what to say to his message anymore that I just tick the thumbs up & he doesn’t talk to me again that day. The next day nothing at all. I know she has the weekend off, but fuck surely he can pop on & say hello?! Nope he doesn’t. I snap. I got no goodbye, I have sat around waiting & waiting for him.

“Morning, I have no idea what you’re trying to do to me SilverLining. After 2 months of chatting to me nonstop, fucking me, telling me how much you love me… Now you just pull away without warning & I’m not threatening you at all but fuck I feel so crazy & I’m so scared of all these thoughts I keep having” I get nothing back. I jump in the car, while chatting with J-Lo who tells me to stop the car. Turn around. Don’t do it. What am I doing?! I know he’d be at the gym at this time, why hasn’t he logged on & just said hello for the last 2 days. Fuck him. I am going to confront him! Maybe something has happened?! Maybe she found out about us again? I have to know. I am not going to let this go.

But as I pull up near his gym, I think what the fuck are you doing, you fucking lunatic?! What am I going to do, stand at his car & force him to talk to me?! What a creep! I notice that his car isn’t there anyway & I cry all the way home, but I can’t go home. I head down the beach & I make a video…

“Hi Silverlining, it’s Monday (insert date here), just after 10:00 o’clock & I have just done something a little crazy & driven to your gym to see if you were there. You weren’t. I don’t know what I would’ve done even if you were so don’t freak out that I’m going to be doing anything else. I realise that it was really crazy & it’s not who I am. It’s not at all who I want to be or what I want to do. But I want you to know that I love you, I love you so much, I love you so much it hurts. & I’m really sad that we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together, it’s all I ever wanted. But I don’t want to cause you drama, I don’t want to hurt your kids anymore. I don’t want to hurt me anymore. I deserve somebody that wants to write back to me. That wants to see me, not just when their partners at work. I don’t want you to think this is because you’re not good enough for me. I will think about you every day, even if I’m with someone else. I will think about you & what we could’ve had. I love you so much but I have to love me more. It’s excruciating to walk away from you, I really don’t want to, but I have too. I think you need to get off all the chat apps & you need to focus on your family. I love you so much, I wish you all the best. I hope that one day we can actually be friends. I love you.”

I send an email with the below letter, attached is the video…

“If I knew that Tuesday was the last time I was ever going to see you, I would’ve held you so tight, looked in your eyes & told you that I love you. 

I have a habit of thinking that we would always have more time. 

I love you

#IBD4U

xxx”

I hate myself instantly! But I can’t take it back now. I need to focus on my career, this relationship has to be what is causing me so much angst. It has to be. It has to be over.

He messages me the next day & says that he’s not trying to do anything to me, his partner is off & she was only supposed to have one week but because he is off she took three weeks. He says he’s not ghosting me but didn’t expect us to get so close. All I write is for him to check his emails. I don’t know if he watches the video or not. But I get back “It won’t be the last time I’m sure. Just yeah we can’t do or have what we had before. MC was my fail safe” I ignore it but by 4:00 pm I get “I hope we can still be friends. I will try and message you when I can” I decide not to reply, it takes all my strength. I will wait for his “chat to me when he can” messages – which never EVER come.

That’s it, it’s done! To put you out of your misery, I don’t hear from SilverLining, so much for “chatting to me when he can” & wanting to still be friends. I guess I didn’t mean that much to him – I don’t know.

Fuck this hurts so much…

But to give you a teaser, I do get some answers… They will come all in good time!

Side Note: This is also why during the first covid lockdowns, living alone, no gyms, working from home & other aspects of my life falling apart, that I have shared in previous blogs, this has been the hardest story to tell & why I had to stop writing. I couldn’t let this take up space in my mind… Remember as I am always behind with my story, that when I started telling this with number one, it was of course already over in real life & I was dealing with other stuff… I will still remain with only Sunday posting at this stage, but now this major piece of my story is over, we might get onto some real dating! Thanks for sticking with me through this hard time!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #38

As I drive away, I am slightly melancholy. I love this man with all my heart, I hate driving away from him, I hate not being with him as my partner. I trust him, I love him, I confide in him. But I hate that we play this game of who will message first after we’ve been together. But as usual I don’t have to wait too long before he is messaging me to tell me how good I feel inside. I don’t even think he would have made it into the gym before he’s messaging me.  It makes me smile like a fucking loser. He came really quickly today & so he had to finger me to make me cum a couple of times. I never complain about sex with him. I have never not cum with him. The times I have said I didn’t think I could cum, he makes it his mission to fuck me hard or use his fingers or mouth to make sure that I cum as hard a he can make me.

I tell him how much he changed my kink limits. He still thinks I am this mega kinky chick, but when you think about it, Silverlining was really the only guy I have every really been that kinky with, the only one I trusted fully to do anythi g he wanted to me. I don’t know how to get him to see that he is the guy I let do anything to me. When Max called me a slut or Dom Dom called me Good Girl, I hated it & told them that it was a hard limit & here I am begging Silverling to degrade me & call me those things! I am a strong independent woman, no way was a guy ever going to do those things to me! & here I am with Silverlining doing everything I can to be kinky in some way with him. He tells me that I am softie & that I go all gooey for him. Yeah he knows what to do to make me melt!

Then as we’re having a cute conversation, I see that he says “hey xxx” to someone in the group, but yet has been sporadically messaging me. I woke up at fucking 5:00 am for this guy, sucked his dick, fucked him & am pretty much the love of his life & he fucking sends kisses to someone else… I am grumpy, tired & fucking jealous!!! I am on edge with everything at work so every time something happens in my personal life, I am taking it so personally & taking a lot of stuff out on Silverlining. I am not saying I was perfect the first time around, however, I was never like this. I hate seeing him flirt with anyone else. I mean he didn’t flirt me a lot back then, but this time he has more friends than me on the app & the women like him. He’s shown them his face & his cock, they want him & he wants other women, I know that. I am not stupid. However I know he won’t ever be able to meet anyone else ever again as she tracks his phone more closely now. I doubt he’ll ever invite a random to his house every again too. But I mean, who knows. Men aren’t always the smartest (neither are women too, so I’m not judging anyone!)

I remind him how sexy he finds me & I tell him that sex would get boring with me eventually, but he says that I mix it up so much it’d never get boring. I know that you need to keep the spark alive in other ways other than just fucking him, so I am conscious of that. I also ask him if he listens to song lyrics & thinks of me – which I know he does because he’s told me, but I ask him to listen to the song that just come out (at the time) by Sam Smith – Dancing With A Stranger when he thinks of me & the guys I have fucked since being with him last year… He tells me he already knows the song & he says he gets it, he doesn’t hold it against me but he loves giving me shit about it because of how I react. Well, I didn’t know it was like a little game for him.

Here’s the song for those who want to listen…

here are the lyrics also…

Hmm, hmm

I don’t wanna be alone tonight (alone tonight)
It’s pretty clear that I’m not over you (over you, over you)
I’m still thinking ’bout the things you do (things you do)
So I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight
Can you light the fire? (light the fire, light the fire)
I need somebody who can take control (take control)
I know exactly what I need to do
‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight

Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger

I wasn’t even goin’ out tonight (out tonight)
But, boy, I need to get you off of my mind (off of my mind)
I know exactly what I have to do
I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight

Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger
Dancing, yeah, ooh

Look what you made me do (ooh), I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (ooh)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: James John Napier / Mikkel Storleer Eriksen / Normani Kordei Hamilton / Samuel Frederick Smith / Tor Erik Hermansen

Dancing with a Stranger lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Downtown Music Publishing

You can see why that song was basically on repeat when it came out. I quote it to him now every time he brings up something I did while we were apart. We talk about the songs that I listened to realise I was in love with him the first time, it’s funny because he never asked me back then but asked me this time, he says he doesn’t know either song – which doesn’t surprise me. I didn’t know them either.

It is his last day at work today, I felt his conversation get sadder as the day wore on & when he comes back online at night after a little party at his parents house, he confides in me that it’s really hit him that he’s unemployed & that he’s really scared. I wish I was there to hug him & I can’t help but wonder if she’s supportive like that & if she would hug him, making him feel better… I guess not or he wouldn’t be back online at 9:30 pm on a Sunday night when she works late on Mondays so could stay up!

The next day we get onto the topic of the 26 dicks & because of all the crap going on at work & me constantly having to pump him up about his cock size or how hot I find him – he’s flirting with someone in a group & taking a lot longer to reply to me because he’s busy chatting in the groups, I snap ‘I’m really sick of this conversation when you constantly make me feel like a fool’ he asks me how, if I am jealous, he tells me that I am not a fool ‘just for the record, you’re the only person I love on here, and fuck. Love you #IDB4U.’ I try not to reply but I say love you & leave it at that, he says his goodbyes & I don’t reply but later I get ‘Don’t feel like a fool okay? I’m out for the day. I do love you a lot. And you will always be my best friend. Sorry for being a douche.’ We have a fight over my fucking jealously, so much that I don’t even know why I am still putting myself through this & why he would fucking put up with my craziness. He has a fucking crazy partner, does he need me too!? Probably not, he could end this with me any moment! Why doesn’t he put me out of my misery?!

I tell him I feel insignificant & he tells me that I am not insignificant to him, he comes online to talk to me every second that he can & he loves me. He tells me he’s a flirt & likes it & that I do it too… I know I do it, I can’t help it either, I enjoy the attention just as he does – so why the fuck is it bothering me so much this time around? He was always like this! He calms me down by explaining that we both flirt & we both need it… But then I start to realise the reason why this flirting crap bothers me – work it shit! I had just been told by my boss that day to send a letter to a colleague to check. I have worked there 5 years, he’s been there less than a year & not more competent than me. Why the fuck am I not just sending my work to my boss to check!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE! I pop a Valium & try to stop the diarrhoea & nausea but at least I am more mellow now. Thank fuck for prescriptions!

Over the course of the next few days we talk a lot. About everything. Mostly about the shit at my work & how jealous I am of him chatting in the groups. Hahaha. I also hate that I am organising a day off work, secretly hoping that he’ll be free the same day but he says it’s his partners day off otherwise he would. So I change my day because I want to use my day off seeing him… He says that his son will be back at school next week & she will be at work every day so I try to arrange a day off work to see him. But by the time I will get to see him again, it’ll be like 10 days since we last saw each other. I know how snippy I get when I don’t get sex. So with the work shit going on & 10 days between SilverLining induced orgasms – I am going to be a fucking nightmare.

There are so many days where we are pissed at each other that one of us doesn’t say love you to the other when we sign off, there are so many days that Silverlining controls the conversation & doesn’t come back online & I wait around for a snippet of his time. During this time I got mental at work, swearing & being so inappropriate. When I am told off for it, I apologise & acknowledge how wrong I was. But when I raise with my boss the reasons behind it, I am ignored, further frustrating me.

Over the weekend when his partner is off work & he’s home, he chats to lunchtime in the groups & barely says anything to me because I cracked the shits. We don’t even say we love each other or our goodbyes. I am fucking snippy about it. Work has been ultra shit, I was locked in the private office making calls all week, then sent out to do someone else’s work therefore I wouldn’t meet my KPI. So the next day again he doesn’t say good morning, I say ‘good morning I guess’ to him… He says that I never told him I was back from the gym, so he left me alone thinking I was upset. I tell him that I am obviously completely insignificant – I’m mega pissed & feel shit in every aspect of my life. “Your not insignificant. Fuck you are in a really bad place these days aren’t you” I really don’t realise how bad work is affecting everything in my life. I mean I know I am not happy but I don’t realise how irrational & ridiculous it is making me. He says his partner is all of a sudden staying up till after midnight with him, so he can’t come back online but he wants too. Some how Silverlining seems to make perfect sense when he explains what is happening in his eyes, but it seems to me that it is trivialising my feelings. I don’t know how that happens but I try not to be upset, but with everything shit in my life I just want my best friend…

He comes back online late one night, I read it but ignore it & pretend to be asleep – even though I’ve barely been sleeping. Why the actual fuck did I do that? I want to talk to him so badly but when he comes back online, I ignore him… In his message he offers up a couple of days where he will be free, by the time I reply I am already at work organising the next day off to see him… But how much longer can I put up with this from him? This small piece of him? This feeling of absolute worthlessness from him? I know he loves me, I see it, I feel it… Fuck I wish I didn’t feel it… But how much longer can I live with him living a double life?

#IBD4U

Silverlining #37

With everything going on at work & this new feeling that I didn’t know at the time was anxiety, I am acting crazy with Silverlining so much so that I don’t even understand why he is even talking to me or making an effort. He goes offline really early one afternoon saying that his “wife is being a cunt. Don’t ask” I tell him that he can talk to me about it but he doesn’t. Later though I ask him again & he tells me that she hassles him a lot to call in sick or go home early on her days off. He said that she was being a dick about it & so he went home early… He says that she knew that he took days off for me to spend with me, so she cracks it at him to do the same when she’s not at work… I assume she calls in sick on his days off, but he says that she has no sick days so she doesn’t, but she still brings up the fact that he took off days to be with me, but won’t take time off to be with her… First of all – OMG. Remember this is a year since I officially last spoke to him so it’s like over 18 months since she found out about me, she seriously can’t still be bringing me up!? Also he lives with her, he sees her every day. There’s no way he’d take sick days for me if we lived together… But she gets pissed, even now even though she doesn’t know about this second affair & thinks he’s being monogamous to her, that he doesn’t take time off for her… I hate being this person, but I also don’t understand her for wanting to stay & live like that… But then, why am I living like this?!

We talk more about other stuff when he’s back online, things have been super shit at work & I usually have him to talk to so it’s never as bad so when he comes back online we dribble shit about everything but I’m sending him pictures of me in lingerie asking what he wants me to wear, when he says that one is his favourite & so I send it again to confirm & he says “Yep” I think that’s kind of an odd response from him, usually there’s comments galore about how I look to him & so I say “Jesus… The women in the group get more of a response & they don’t suck your cock” he tells me not to go crazy on him & I realise that I am going crazy… I am in a fucking state all the time & I’m taking it out on him…

We get onto the topic of the day he almost moved in with me & how much I wanted to show him my redecorating & my new bedroom, but I say that I was waiting for his undivided attention to sttept to have sex with him, when he tells me how stressful that day was for him. I remind him how stressful it was for me too. I had spend the day with his baby in my arms while he said to me it was over with her & he was going to be with me, only to watch him text her all day & still be unsure about his decision. He tells me that he almost changed my life… But what he forgets is that he changed my life before that day. I had never been in love before, I had never had chemistry with another human before like that. I had never had a best friend like that before either… He changed everything about the way I think about life! He doesn’t know how much he changed me. I don’t think he’ll ever grasp that concept to be perfectly honest.

We talk randomly about all sorts of stuff when we get on the topic of my body & he has no tact to be able to tell me that he likes my body, but also likes to point out the areas I need to improve, like I don’t already know the areas, but Silverlining likes to point it out because he’s an asshole but we’re always super honest with each other! When he says “OMG. I love you the way that you are” & I swoon. I am reminded of that scene in Bridget Jones Diary… FUCK… How can he be such as an asshole but I fucking adore him so much?

When he says goodbye, he reminds me what time & where to meet tomorrow morning, 6:00am on a fucking Sunday morning! If only my vagina didn’t think for me! When he comes back online just after 9:00pm I am surprised, fuck she goes to bed early! He tells me that it’s also fucking day light savings, meaning I will be up at 4:30am, not 5:30am to fuck him by 6:00am! I do have a fucking problem! I send him some pictures of the new lingerie I bought today that I’m wearing & he says he wouldn’t complain if I wear that tomorrow morning. He logs off saying the usual love you’s & I know that even though I only have 5 hours to sleep tonight, I am not going to get any! I am too excited!

I’m awake before the alarm, laying there trying to make myself sleep some more. But I hear the distinct vibration of the app & know he’s messaged me to ask if I am awake – this makes my clit tingle knowing I am going to see him today & I’m going to get to cum this time too. I get ready in the lingerie that I said I would wear & a denim dress. I don’t even know where he is on the road but I leave not wanting to be late or miss a minute with him. Even though I go down the expressway & take a wrong turn being they change the roads all the time at this time to get to his gym by his work, I beat him there & I watch him pull in & park next to me. He jumps in my car & orders me to park around the back. It’s pitch black outside being that it’s now daylight savings. He makes me find the dark alley where the bins are & makes me reverse into a loading dock. He’s looking around like a maniac for cameras & checking to make sure his location says that he’s at the gym in case she wakes up to check it.

We don’t even get to kiss much before another car is driving in the driveway & trying to reverse into the loading dock too. It seems like it’s the groundskeeper of the shopping complex. Silverlining sort of loses it a little & makes me drive off – it looks like we were doing a fucking drug deal! I drive across the road to a church where the car will be hidden by some trees, it’s still very dark so it’s ok. I mean we’ve fucked in the car in broad daylight in the afternoon so this shouldn’t be an issue, except his phone location shows that he’s across the street from the gym & he freaks a bit about that too.

But we get into the back seat & it’s on, it’s hot & we’re stripping each other quickly. His eyes pop when he sees the lingerie – & somehow that looks is what pays for the lingerie. I fucking love that look… I suck his cock like a good little slut for him, which he loves – of course. I try to ride him in the backseat but this smaller car isn’t easy & I give up telling him that I don’t think I will be able to cum this morning. This sentence to Silverlining is like a major turn on or something, he makes it his mission to make me cum. He pulls out every move that he knows makes me cum & within a few minutes, I am cumming on his cock & screaming (Which I still deny I scream!)

As the sun is starting to rise & shine through the trees, he starts freaking out about his phone location that he makes me drive over to his car & park next to it. I assume that he’s going to get out & go work out in the gym being it’s before 7:00am. He doesn’t start till 8:00am & I don’t want him to go, I mean I have woken up at stupid o’clock for him. He makes no move to get out of the car & stays there to chat to me, holding my hand or kissing me gently as we talk… This is what I love. This is what I missed in that year. The best friend time with him. We talk about work for both of us, we talk about diets, we talk about music, we talk about the chat apps, we talk about life, we talk about everything… This is the reason I am still in love with this man. I can say anything, I can hear anything & we just can be together. We do chat a lot when together, so this is always my favourite part. Cumming is just like eating the icing first before eating the cake.

I have brought him a gift which I feel stupid giving him now, it’s just a sugar free powerade & microwave pork crackle that we’d been talking about that he said he couldn’t get at his store. He laughs & says thanks. I know he like that I have done something so mundane as buy him groceries but this is love – the way we show our love for each other.

As time ticks so fast, I start to hate the clock, never slowing down, I am getting sad about the fact that he is going to say he has to go soon as he wants to shower at the gym before work, washing away any trace of me & our love making. I don’t know what makes me sadder, is this is probably the last time I am going to see him for a while or the fact that he is going to get out of my car & wash me away like I never existed?!

I guess this is the problem with being the other women… I should be used to this feeling by now.

#IBD4U

Silverlining #36

If you read my last blog post, where is #IDB4U, you’ll know why I have been MIA. Things are still the same but I am trying to get some normalcy back in my life & keep doing the thing I love & that is writing! With my renovation done for my new office, I am more settled & don’t have as much anxiety being in my own home!

For those of you that have been missing the blog posts & maybe even thinking about it a lot, it might be a small indication for you to understand why I am talking to Silverlining again! When you miss something & wish it was is your life but it disappears, you want it more than anything! This is a taste of how I felt about missing him…

We left off with Silverlining and I meeting in a petrol station that we fucked in the carwash once, oh the memories! That was fucking hot & probably the most public sex I’d ever had. When he gets in my car with his subway sandwich & says he didn’t think I would be that quick & seems a little flustered, to be honest, neither did I, but I made sure I raced out the office door at 5:00pm, very unlike me at work & raced to see him. He eats his sandwich chatting to me, but I know that he wishes he’d finished it before I got there & had a mint. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this awkward before.

Once he’s finished eating we kiss & he tastes like onion and dressing, our hands are everywhere & he slides one of his up my top to grab my tits over my bra, I want him so bad but I know that he is not going to fuck me while I have my period, which is ok, it’s really broad daylight right now & we don’t have long before he has to go back to work! I unbutton his pants & find his cock, it’s already standing to attention for me.

I pull away from his kiss to tell him that his breath is gross & he reminds me of the first time we fucked when I had eaten garlic chicken for dinner & didn’t have a mint! While I’m complaining about his breath he pushes my head down to suck his cock, as you all know this is something I used to hate but I love the dominance of him doing it to me, I love how much it turns him on when he does it. I suck his cock so much & so well (which he tells me later how good my skills are) that he cums in my mouth & like a good little girl for him, I swallow it. We chat for a bit but he almost realises what the time is & jumps out the car like it’s on fire & says I love you then is gone. I know he knows I didn’t get to say it back, so he won’t message me first like he usually does, so when I’m home I tell him that I love him.

Over the course of the next few days, I didn’t notice it at the time so its interesting writing about it with the hindsight but I notice that he starts saying “luv ya” when he signs off & saying “chat soon”. We talk everyday, as much as both of us can of course, we talk about everything, our main topics are our sex life & our works. But it’s these subtle changes in his conversation, I didn’t realise till later… He finishes up woek on Sunday which mean I probably won’t see him again after this weekend, I mean maybe at his house but because of my work, I don’t know when I will see him again. But he offers up Sunday morning at his gym near his work, I know I will have to wake up bloody early, but I am prepared for that as I am not sure when I will get sex again!

We also talk about my work & how I have been so sick lately, I have been vomiting on the way to work & then when I get to work it starts coming out the other end. Yeah – what fun!! I tell Silverling that my boss has diagnosed me with anxiety & told me to go to the doctors. My sister thinks I might be pregnant which freaks Silverlining out but he knows I have had my tubes tied & relaxes about it. Reminding me about how hot I was when I struggled so much with making him put on a condom.

I confide in Silverlining about how my boss, after diagnosing me anxiety, doesn’t send me home or help me in any way, he tells me that I have to go into another office, even though my computer is at a desk in an open office, where I am surrounded by colleagues & that now I have to make calls, which he wrote the script for me in another room. Of course do as I am directed but I am now being isolated within my office & it causes me so much grief, so much that usually my symptoms are only on the way to work but now they are happening throughout the day & no one in charge in the office seems to give a fuck. I know I don’t usually talk about work like this, but this is a major part of my story, this micromanagement & isolation continues even though I don’t talk about it in this blog. But spoiler alert, you all know that I’m no longer working there. The symptoms of anxiety & following panic attacks occur but the only thing that I have to look forward too, is chatting to Silverlining! So when he goes offline I feel lost, when I am waiting for him to come back online I feel like a loser.

Silverlining gets it & asks if they are just trying to make me fail by making me make calls rather than hitting my targets. I don’t know what the deal is but I am struggling to be there, I am struggling to go in to the office. I am struggling to enjoy the job I loved so much & have done for 5 years! I put my heart & soul into this job, I think that things may have been different if I wasn’t away so much. After been shunned to a office downstairs, I go up to get something & find my whole team in one of my other bosses office having a meeting & they call me in when they see me, but no one moves any of their stuff so I can sit down, so I hover awkwardly at the door. Silverling really sympathises with me, which I find weird sometimes being he has no emotion, but he can be very sweet with me.

Even though I know that I’m not pregnant, I get a test, imagine having to ring Motocross & be like, dude I’m pregnant! Thank fuck… I am reminded of my friend, who I met through this blog, remember his book? He talks about anxiety & symptoms similar to mine that were unexplained. I start realising what is actually wrong with me – it is anxiety. It’s takes me ages to realise my boss is right. But Silverlining asks if I would keep it if I was pregnant & I say yes. I would have always kept it, I don’t believe in abortion as a form of birth control for me, unless I was raped. I knew what the consequences could be by having sex, so I would always have had it. He says that I have changed, but I haven’t, I have always had this view point. I have had the morning after pill a couple of times, but I would never have an abortion, but he says that I told him I would! I never would have said that so we have an argument about it, until he says “Okay then.” But then he doesn’t remember me telling him that I took the morning after pill with him before, so it’s interesting what he remembers… I know what I would & wouldn’t do, so it doesn’t matter. We’re fighting over the most ridiculous thing!

When we talk about the new chat app & that he has good banter with this chick on there, that I scare him because of how jealous I got the other night. I’ll admit I got jealous, that’s a natural reaction, however it’s not natural for me to get that snippy at him for banter with someone. I know he’s a flirt, I know he liar, but I am jealous he openly flirts with them in groups & ignores me when I try to flirt with him in a group. I know that we are chatting privately so it’s not a big deal, but I am jealous. I will admit it… He has more friends on the app than I do, but I have been fairly absent from it, except now that I am on it more because of him.

There’s a lot of conversation I am going to skip over in the interest of moving forward with the blog & because of my lack of posts recently, however, from now on I hope to post every Sunday! They may be shorter than usual but we’ll catch up & I will get my writing mojo back!

#IBD4U

Where is #IBD4U?

For those of you who don’t follow my Facebook page, you’re probably wondering where I have been…

I don’t really know where I have been but it’s not in a writing space Hahaha. What’s happening to me right now is not dating related & I wish I was more up to date on my stories because writing was always my escape – my time away from what is happening in my real time life.

During the worst break up I’ve ever had with Noodle, I was still posting three times a week about how in love I was with him, all the while knowing it was over in real life – this is one downfall of writing retrospectively. Yet I was still able to write, work full time, go to the gym & travel for work. Yet I was completely crushed & devastated at the time & I was able to write.

I hate that I am not writing.

This is a weird post because it seems so personal, however you all know so much about me, my sex life, my love life & yet this seems too personal. But here goes, I was terminated from my job. You all know how much I loved my job & how much I travelled for work, how much I sacrificed my personal life for my work… So it came as a compete shock to me when I got the letter & without going into too much detail, I’m not happy about it for many reasons.

So why during this have I not been able to write? You’d think I’d be posting daily since I’m not working at all… But it doesn’t work like that!

While we were working from home instead of the office due to Covid, I obviously had to work in my own office space I’d created in my small spare room for when I was at Uni. That space has now become a room I hate, a room I felt chained too, I had panic attacks walking into it even if I just need to get a pen or peice of paper. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to switch the big spare room & small spare rooms around. Que renovation!

When I thought things had settled down, I realise in hindsight that this was a stupid move. My once pristine show-home looking house was now a hoarders delight with goat tracks (as I hear they’re called) of beds & boxes, furniture from all three bedrooms in every spare space I have.

So I pull eveything out the two rooms & start by painting, this is a good time for a fresh lick of paint. But why stop there? I decide to rip up the carpet – I have owned my house for almost 16 years & this carpet was here when I bought it, so time to change it right. Why not do my bedroom at the same time because it’s dumb to do just the two bedrooms, que stripping my bedroom bare too!

At this time I am also doing a course, I have no job & had nothing to do, things were semi settled, so why not jump in & do some upskilling.

But things get supremely worse & I end up having meltdown after meltdown, I do not know how to paint – turns out I’m a terrible painter… Plus not having a house to clean (my anxiety stress release) things get worse & worse that I even stop showering daily or cleaning my toilet. I stop getting out of bed if I have no reason too. I stop writing. I stop going to the gym. I alienate myself from friends & family because it’s just easier. While I love their opinions, the problem is that eveyone has one & everyone has a different one – sometimes I just don’t want to hear it though!

But during this renovation, as if I don’t have enough on my plate, that I find salt damp & a ceiling that is not attached to the beams. I find that my fences that are also going to be installed soon don’t come in the same colour as the new shed – which will look ridiculous. Nothing seems to be going my way! But there is a carpet deadline, it’s coming, deposit has been paid, I have to get the painting done, fix the salt damp & ceiling… FUCK EVEYTHING.

So I enlist some help of some fabulous friends to help me paint, we get it all done (& some extra areas too) by the carpet install deadline & some family help me restore my house to some sort of order by moving the furniture back.

So now my new office is in the big spare room & my spare queen bed is in my small spare room – it’s tight in there but eh, it’s not used that often! I no longer have anxiety walking into the small spare room, I can now breathe a little better in my own home. I still have anxiety attacks but not about being chained to that little office. I still have a few things to sort before I am back on track, but I am on a path to recovery (for lack of a better word!)

Thank you for all the kind comments & messages though this time. I honestly can’t believe that this has hit me worse than a break up with the love of my life. But my career was eveything to me… It sadly was my major relationship – in fact the excess travelling cost me some relationships, if I’m honest. It’s weird because I’ve been on a salary since I was 22 so it’s so odd not waking up everyday for work…

I hope to be back soon with some proper blog posts.

#IBD4U

Silverlining #35

I know you’ve all be so supportive & tell me not to say sorry for not getting my blog out. So I won’t apologise but will let you know over the next week you may not get a blog written by me but maybe a guest post, but there are so great posts coming, so keep checking back. When I get time & the inspiration to write, I will! I promise. Writing is my escape, it’s just a hard time to be inspired right now! Lets also be fair, I think that Tuesday will be late too! I will try to write it so you don’t just get a guest post, but I will see how I go. This week is a bit full on with other work I need to get done!

So SilverLining & I move over to the other chat app & I think I’ve said this before but I realise that he’s already added or had added 2 other friends. I don’t know why but this makes me so fucking jealous! I guess the thing is, this man has very limited time to give me online, I’m not stupid enough to believe that I get his undivided attention, I know I don’t, clearly. But I also know this is the type of interaction he craves too, not just from me, but he does want it from other women. He seeks their validation that he is good looking, fit (though he’s not as fit as he was) & that his got a good sized penis. I know that his partner didn’t give him this type of validation for a while there & why he started looking online for it, we all get into a rut in relationships. I even did the same with Boyfriend, I used to messaging him cute things but then when we lived together, it drops off a lot! Men & women still crave that beginning part of a relationship all throughout the relationship but we forget to do it because we are no longer chasing them! So my tip for you now is to send your partner a cheeky message, like you would have in the beginning & have a little flirt with them! Not only is it fun, but it will keep the spark alive… I will admit, I do love when SilverLining says something that makes me feel special.

I tell him that I must be slipping down the list, being that he’s added all these other people – lets calm down, it was only 2. He says that he just joined & wasn’t sure how to find me on here yet, this app is confusing. I have a profile picture up of my face & he tries to distract me with “That pic of you is soooooooo fucking cute. I love it.” OMG, I am always surprised when he tells me how good I look to him, I never understand it to be honest. I am not wearing any makeup, I’m not smiling, in my the car, I can’t even remember when I took it or why I took it. “I think it’s one of the cutest hey” Of course it makes me melt & he tells me how cute I am for being jealous! Hahaha… Fuck him.

I lay awake that night waiting for him to message me that he’s back online on the chat app we met on, but I wait & wait & wait. It’s almost 11:00 pm & I am sad that he’s not come back online tonight, so I quickly check the new chat app & try to work it out, thinking perhaps he’ll come back online, when I see that he’s chatting in a group on the new chat app, my heart sinks… Usually he’ll just say evening to me, even if I haven’t left a message for him, so the fact that he’s chatting & not chatting to me really hurts me. Like I said, he craves the chats & the validation, so I get why he chats to others, it makes me jealous of course but I get it & don’t want to control him so I would always be sort of ok with it, as long as he wasn’t hiding it from me. But this hurts me, he’s blatantly chatting to others & not bothered to check if I’m awake or online – I notice that he’s been chatting in the group since about 10:00 pm, a whole hour I have waited for him to come online & he’s not bothered to say anything to me at all. My heart pounds, I start crying – which is so unlike me but I also have just started my period, which doesn’t help, but I send him a irrational message “Why aren’t you talking to me?!” He just writes back huh, there’s no read receipt on this app or that a message was delivered, so I can read it & formulate my replies but it doesn’t help, I become even more irrational, “Sorry. I’ll leave you to chat in your group.”  I am so hurt about this… I don’t know why but I am, it’s stupid of me to expect 100% of his time, I mean he has a partner & family FFS. I never get 100% of his time, I barely even get 50% of his time. So I can’t understand the irrational thoughts when he comes online, the time he has to devote to me & he is chatting to people in a group that he doesn’t even know & not chatting to me. I don’t know when he comes back online unless he chats to me, so I can’t just keep messaging him like a loser!

He writes Hi, like a dickhead & then says that he thought I’d be asleep. He knows I stay awake every night to get in a bit more chat with him before we go to sleep. He asks if I am spying on him which makes me more angry so I just say “Don’t worry Silverlining…” his reply annoys me more, my heart I pounding “Fuck you’re a needy bitch. Hugs”  I know he’s trying to make me laugh but I say “Don’t worry I won’t bother you”  & I put my phone down, feeling like a child for acting this way but fuck it is so annoying & so I try to go to sleep, but he messages me a few times while I ignore them obw rthd course of 20 or so minutes “You don’t bother me. Oi. You suck. Where is my #IBD4U. OMG. You suck so much. Dear #IBD4U. You have your own little chat group that you chat in all the time. Don’t be all jealous. I just assumed you were asleep. I still message you first, every morning btw.”  I know he does message me a lot but he’s dropping off a bit too. I know he is still with her & not planning on leaving so he’s protecting both of us by doing so, but this is just frustrating. I remind him that I am up every night like a fucking wanker waiting for him to come back online, checking the apps constantly thinking he’ll be back soon to chat. I know that he says good morning every day mostly, he is up before me, but I have had to say good morning first a few times.

I say that he’s been chatting in the group for ages & he has the audacity to ask “Which one?”  I call him a cunt, I can’t believe that he was staying so far away from the first chat app & wasn’t going to go on the second chat app & is now chatting in several groups. I shouldn’t be surprised, I mean this man is a liar, he lies daily to himself & his partner. I am so angry & hurt,  I never thought he would be like this with me. I guess it was only a matter of time, but this time he’s been sweeter to me than he ever had in the entire time we’d been together… He tells me that I am mean, he was invited to a few groups & he joined. “I don’t lie. I didn’t mean to be a cunt. I’m sorry. Fuck whatever. You’re the last person that can criticize me for chatting in groups”  Oh no way is he going to turn this around on me, “I’m not criticising you for chatting in groups Silverlining. I’m fucking sad because I wait up, excited to talk to you when you come back on… Turns out you’re on & didn’t even try to talk to me…”  He snaps that he thought I was asleep & that he’s going to bed, but I don’t want to go to bed fighting with him because I know I won’t sleep. “Silverlining. Please… just understand. I fucking burst into tears when I saw you online & I was waiting for you to message me.”  I don’t understand what he is pissed about. “I’ll make sure to message you in future ffs”  but that’s not what I want, I remember with Max how I didn’t want to be an obligation, I don’t want to be an obligation for Silverlining to message me. “I don’t want to you to HAVE to message me. But I’ve had a fucking shit day & want to talk to you. Fucking upset me you didn’t even message. And yes I’m fucking jealous you were staying away from the chat apps & now have a million friends on there & now on the new chat app.”  I hope he sees that I would never normally admit that I am jealous & he understands. “You chatted to me all day. I’m going to bed. I’m sorry okay.”  I just say night & he sends a puppy gif that is giving puppy dog eyes “Forgive me… Chat again soon… ps. I did try to chat in your lame group.” I don’t reply & I don’t tell him that I love him, which I hate… I just put my phone down & try to get some sleep.

I don’t sleep well that night with all the work stuff going on & the one person I want to talk to about it didn’t chat to me last night, so I was awake until 2:00 am & woke up at 5:00 am refusing to message him. Like a stubborn fucking idiot. I lay there dwelling on the day ahead of me, what will happen at work – my second day back after 3 weeks off, what I will have to do today, what hoops will be required. I know that he will message me when he wakes up but I am grumpy when I wake up, my stomach is in knots over work & I know he will calm me down & make me smile when he does message me. “Morning cranky pants” & I smile at about 6:00 am, I knew he would. I reply straight away & he says “Fuck you’re up early”  I explain how little I slept last night worried about work & upset I wanted to talk to him, he asks if he upset me that much & I say I say that I wish I could say no, but I was upset, he says sorry again but I know he probably doesn’t mean it. “When did you get some emotionally retarded? I really changed you hey?”  He did, in more ways than one. Before the L word with him, I barely cried, I was a heart of stone, now I cry about work, I cry when I get my period. I am just an emotional mess. I tell him that I am  a retard & I love him & want to chat to him, even if he doesn’t want to chat to me, I hate that I wait around for him & get jealous of the other friendships he’s made on the apps “I do want to chat to miss emotional retard”  I laugh & he keeps playing the card that he thought I was asleep. I remind him that he was so concerned about how down I was yesterday being back at work & how I was being treated, that he chose that night to think I was asleep & not even try to message me. He tells me that chicks usually sleep in these situations. Well, he knows I am not like his partner & that I don’t sleep 23 hours a day when I am stressed. I apologise too because I am being emotional but I also think it’s justified in this situation “I do love you as you will always be one of my best friends.”  I know he does love me it makes me feel better to hear him say it though, I tell him though I am trying to start my day better but I got to work & vomited from stress. FUCK. He tells me not to stress but it doesn’t help, as you can imagine.

Anyway as we chat throughout the day when we can, he reminds me that we can’t have the same relationship we had before, he says he can’t chat to me daily & can’t see me weekly. I know he can’t see me that often, especially now I am back at work & he’s about to be unemployed, there is not a lot of options. I tell him that he will message me everyday as he is addicted to me. “I was hoping to not get addicted to that.”  We get onto out favourite topic of how good he sex is between us & he says that it makes him want to see me again. He asks what time I finish work today & I say 5, it’s Tuesday so he’s working late as he always did, he’ll be at work later tonight & I know what he is thinking. I tell him that I could be at his work around 5:30, if he can have a break that late… I tease him enough telling him how much I love the taste of his cum, that around 4:00 pm he asks if I am ok for 5:30 pm. I know that I need to see him, even though I only saw him a few days ago & as I leave work, I am messaging him telling him he is so cute & that I am on my way but I look like shit – I don’t think I have ever looked this bad for him before. I instantly feel better on my way to meet him. I ask where to meet him & he says when I am close by that he is at the petrol station that we once fucked in the carwash.  I am instantly calm when I see him get out of his car.

#IBD4U

Guest Blog: Beauty Queen

I am hating the new WordPress… I can’t work it! (If you noticed, this went live when I was editing it! FFS) So sorry about the formatting of this guest post from a fellow blogger in the USA.

I follow him but with everything that’s been going on for me, I have been relaxed in reading his & other blogs I usually follow with every post. However, when writers block is killing my blog, he offered up some of his stories.

I love reading his blog from a males perspective… It seems that it isn’t any easier for men than it is for women?!

The Beauty Queen

Speaking of curious cases, this one is more recent:

Early last December, the woman I had been dating, and who had professed her love, unceremoniously broke off our relationship. She is deserving of a multipart series of her own, of course, and I hope to return to her soon. During all of the time I dated her, and in fact all of the two plus years I’ve been on these dating apps, there has been another woman. Let us call her Pia, my friend Pia. We met right after I started online dating. I’ve mentioned her before (in particular here). The month of December, as it often is for me, began fairly bleak. The woman who loved me, broke up with me. My birthday occurs mid-month. My now ex-girlfriend had booked a hotel in Washington DC for the weekend. We were going to have ourselves a fun little getaway. Those plans were quashed. My friend Pia stepped in and saved the day for me. It was quite nice. As often happened with her though, I would hope we were getting more serious and she would pull away. During holidays, she often disappeared almost completely.  New Year’s Eve was barreling towards me. Pia made plans to see her spinster, older cousin at the New Jersey shore. It was looking like I’d be alone.

Maybe I could bandage my broken heart, I thought. I went on a dating app after Christmas, swiped right on a several women, and waited. A few women matched back  and I chatted them up. One caught my fancy more than the others and we honed in on each other. Her profile gave her age the same as mine and her photos showed a pretty woman who appeared younger than her years, fit and happy. We chatted easily by text, discovered neither had anything to do new year’s eve and decided to meet late that afternoon at a restaurant in beautiful Piermont, New York, along my side of the Hudson River. The scenery, however, was shrouded in darkness due to the early sunsets in December. We met at the bar. She looked decidedly older than her pictures. Nevertheless, she was an interesting date being a costumer for major movies. She had fun anecdotes about famous stars. We were not a match, though, and the date died a natural death a couple of hours later. Neither of us texted to the other, Let’s do it again. Anyway, I have a rule about that: if I pick up the check, I leave it to the lady to call or text me a thank you. She did not. As it turns out, this post isn’t about her. It’s about Tasha.

istockphoto-165060727-612x612

By the time I got home it was still just early evening. I mixed myself a drink, took a seat on my couch, and resigned myself to an evening of Netflix. Pia and I would exchange a few messages. I would wonder why she chose boredom down the shore when she could have been bored with me. My phone pinged. I looked down and saw I had a new match. And thus, I was introduced to Tasha. There once was a study that folks on these dating apps choose people who are 25% more attractive than they are. How do they figure this out? The person chosen gets more hits than than they do. I opened my app and saw clearly Tasha was not 25% more attractive or desirable than me, she was easily 75% more. She was so ridiculously beautiful, she could have been in and won a major beauty pageant. I’m talking beautiful. Her profile said she was in her mid-40’s, lived a few towns away, had a daughter, and ran her own little business. She was blonde and extremely well-proportioned. Her pictures were sexy, while not being overtly sexual. In one, she had on fitted jeans and a cropped, button-down knit sweater, that showed a bit of her defined abs and cleavage as well, but offhandedly, not ostentatiously.

When you get a match notification, you can surmise the lady is on at that moment. Despite Tasha being out of my league, the drink in my hand, combined with the two I had had earlier at the restaurant, lent me liquid courage and I dm’ed her: Hello Tasha, I wrote. Would you believe I’m wearing that very same sweater?

Really? she asked, almost immediately. And we embarked on a whirlwind night…

#middleageddating #lastfirstkiss #love #aging #autobiography #memories #writing #nyc #bergencounty #nnj #biography #covid19 #coronavirus #beautyqueen

Here is a link to his blog! https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/85889956/posts/2703146567

#IBD4U

Silverlining #34

OMG, I am so sorry I didn’t get this written for Friday. I am not working at the moment, so I am losing track of days! I honestly don’t know what day of the week it is half the time! I will explain all one day but right now just know, I am trying as hard as I can to write my story because I love writing & I won’t have that taken away from me too! I know you’re all invested but there are so many other stupid things going on in my life (non-dating related) that just suck at the moment, but I will keep the stories coming!!

I love your comments on FB. I 100% agree with you all, but I am in it, I am in love with this man, I was always defend & justify his behaviour. Regardless of if it’s right or wrong, nice or nasty, if you hate him or not, I will always defend him & justify our actions because I know him so well, I know why he does what he does, it’s shit towards me most of the time. But this is also what I am willing to do to have this man in my life.

The next morning, he hadn’t come back online at night & I feel like shit, all I want to do is talk to my best friend, he doesn’t realise the things he says sometimes, especially about his partner & how she looks & what little she does to weight the same as me. I know muscle weighs more than fat, I know I work out, I know we’re different. But even J-Lo’s partner had gastric surgery at 90 kgs & is smaller than me… I wish when I was over 100 kgs that I had surgery, they wouldn’t have to fucking work so hard now to stay the fucking same while everyone else around me gets smaller than me! FUCK.

Anyway the next morning he starts talking about supplements again & I tell him that I don’t want to talk about this again, I felt shit & wanted to talk to him & he didn’t come back online. He says that we can’t always talk all day & I get that & I don’t expect that either, I know what I have signed up for here with him. I don’t expect to chat all day, I am thankful for the time I get with him sometimes, but I do wish things were different, that I could have him all to myself – but then I also wonder if things would be this hot for us?! “You usually always such a positive person and not usually so down on yourself and confident. Sucks seeing you like this”  I have recently taken a few hits to my confidence at work so that then snowballs to my body & eating habits. I know why I am feeling so shit about how his partner & even J-Lo’s partner is & it’s not really the women that’s the problem, it’s that I have been whittled down at work to have no confidence that when someone says something to me, I am automatically negative about myself.

He’s not online for a long time today either being it’s Sunday, he goes off line & I tell him that I am going for a jog when he says “Fuck how much exercise do you do?” At the time I was doing something about 5 times week, I was fit which I guess why the comments pissed me off so much. He tells me that he’s a cunt & brutally honest but he doesn’t realise how the things he says affect me sometimes. Well at least he is aware of that! He says “Don’t miss me too much” & of course I am sad, but at least I get up & do things when he’s not online “Sorry for wanting more than 20 mins on your time in a day!”  I don’t want to be sad or upset about it “Your so cute”  I tell him to fuck off that I am not cute. “Chat again soon honey buns. Love you. Miss chatting to you bestie”  FUCK! I’m smiling like a wanker as I get up & go for my jog!

He comes back online quickly at night but since he’s been up since 4:00 am with his daughter, he’s tired but he tells me that he’s signed up for the other chat app tonight, which I’m surprised about but kind of glad that we will have something to chat on if this chat app actually does shut down – which I doubt it will (& it doesn’t!). I tell him that I missed him this weekend & he says that I shouldn’t miss him but we can’t chat like we used too (again), but he does add that he missed me too which makes me smile & I snuggle down to sleep being I am back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off!

I wake up to nothing from him, which I know why he didn’t message me, so remember the agreement we made when we first met to take it in turns, the agreement that lead up to fall in love with each other. A quick run down for new readers, but we both told each other when we first started chatting that we won’t initiate the conversation the second or third day because it shows us that the other person want so talk to us. So I know that he’s also trying to pull back from me, knowing we’re getting too close. Of course this mentality of his pisses me off!

I say good morning as I get ready for work, I feel sick & my stomach is churning. I have turned my work phone back on & the emails from my boss have made me feel sick. When Silverlining says he called in sick to take his daughter to get some needles I reply “I wish I called in sick. I feel like crap. My tummy is not happy today.” I tell him that I just got to work & feel like I am going to vomit. I explain to him that I got an email telling me what I need to do this week & even where I have to sit, I’m not allowed to sit at my own desk. He says “Wow does someone high up really hate you or something”  Yeah I have no idea, I really don’t know what is happening at work to be really honest with you “You used to love your job so much!” Yeah I did love it, you all know that, I talk about it a lot. I do as I’m directed but my stomach doesn’t settle the entire day, Silverlining tells me it’s stress. I don’t know what is happening to me, but I have a whole bunch of symptoms – later diagnosed with anxiety with panic attacks, but at the time I had no idea what was happening to me. I love having Silverlining in my life to help keep me calm when things are this shit!

Silverlining reasons to smile

We get on the topic of the new chat app because I don’t want to keep bring down the limited time I have chatting to him, talking about how shit my work is at the moment. Plus the man has just been made redundant too, so at least I have a job! He says that he didn’t download the app but uses the app on the website so he doesn’t get caught. We add each other on the new app but continue on this app. I see on the new app though that he already has 2 other friends… With everything happening at work this makes me jealous & he calls me out on it. He says that its cute I wanted to be his first – well of course I did… “So adorable” He tells me that I’m the first person he added manually “I added you, you fuckwit!”  I am semi joking with him but he senses that I am not joking when I tell him he can chat to whoever he wants “I hate seeing you all down hey”  As if he can tell over text that much! Fuck we really do know each other so well! I say that I’m ok & use his usual like “I’ll live” & his reply surprises me too “Your just barely ok” Yeah I guess that’s what happens when your work shuns you to a room to do a task that we employ other people for that get paid a fuck ton less than me. But whatever, just do as your directed & get through it. You have your career goals & there’s a merge happening, I just need to get through this period & things will be ok, I hope…

He mentions something about micromanaging my clit & I much prefer this topic, this calms my tummy & makes me feel better to have him make me smile. I tell him that I don’t want to spend the little time we get chatting, talking about how crap my work is. “It’s clearly a frustration you have. And I do care about you. So feel free. You can chat about anything and I will listen. So bitch about your stupid work. Please”  I love him some much in that moment! I tell him that I love the work but not how things are at the moment & he talks about how he’s freaking out about getting a new job himself. I don’t want  a new job, I do want to side step to follow my career goals but I have no desire to leave this workplace. I just have to stick it out & hope things get better.

We talk about the anon app & how much we tried to avoid each other, I say that worked well, didn’t it. I say that it hurt me when he posted stuff especially when he & his partner tried to be open, he upset me with a lot of posts he posted. “You’re a twat. I had a void to fill you know too right”  I guess I never thought about it like that, I mean he chose to stay with her when push came to shove so I just always assumed he moved on from me pretty quickly, shoving me out of his mind… I never thought that he might be hurting too. He says that he strung a lot of women along, thinking they could fuck him but he was never going too, so I ask why he fucked me “I knew you would be worth it. Knew you would be a good fuck. I couldn’t resist. Even tho I had no interest in most of your kinks. I liked your cheeky personality” He says he’s not kinky, but the guy fucked me at a train station at dusk bent over a car with my hands cable tied behind my back… I’m pretty sure that’s not a regular occurrence for regular couples. I know it was a first for both of us, so he’s definitely kinky! He says that he’d love to tie me cable ties & fuck every hole all day. I just reply “Sorry I’m not kinky…!” He admits he’s a little kinky & wants to have his way with me all day, fuck I want that too… he even suggest hitting me & then forcing me to suck his cock.. He says that he doesn’t like spanking with toys, prefers his hand & only a few hits, not for ages… He reminds me that he bent me over his lap while I wore the white dress & I remember when I saw that in the Fifty shades movie that it would be weird, but it was fucking hot. He also did it in the car once. I fucking loved it!

I try to explain to Silverlining why I went to events & got involved more with kink & ask if he even understands why. “Nope ? Nor do I care” He’s being a twat now. “Well I don’t give a fuck if you care or not… but I was having quite vanilla boring sex with random dudes… Trying to fill the sexual void, I also tried to fill that void with kink… so yeah. Even if you don’t think we were kinky together, we were. And I missed you. Missed sex 7 kink with you.”  He says “Good on you then” Fucking dickhead! I remind him that he also told me how kinky he was with his partner & he denies telling me anything & denies that what they were doing was even kinky. I tell him I am done with this because it’s a stupid convo & he says “you’re a stupid convo”  which makes me laugh. All is well before he goes offline. He says he’ll be on the other app though if I want to talk to him while he deletes this app. Fuck we are in too deep, even though he says yet again “This isn’t healthy. Love you. Chat soon.”

#IBD4U

Silverlining #33

Sorry for the delay in writing this blog. I only write notes & then have to expand on it. I was so sick with hayfever yesterday, I passed out on Phenrgan! So here it is 12 hours late, but at least I’m on time with the day!! Remember I am only posting on Tuesday & Friday’s for a while. If you have a story I can share, please email me!

As I walk out of his house, I feel good, I have quickly changed my shoes  back into my flats & walked to the car. Before I even shut the door, I hear my phone buzz & a message from Silverlining “Just going to put it out there. I’m going to remember what you wore today lol.” It makes me smile. FUCK. He can be so sweet & cute sometimes, underneath that ridiculous stupid exterior, he is sweet guy who knows that made me smiles as I’m driving home. I have never done that before for anyone, he knows this but still gives me shit about all the guys I’ve fucked since him, he doesn’t realise that I still have firsts & I still have firsts with him. Sometimes I think he doesn’t get me at all, however then I realise it’s actually about him & his insecurities when he speak to me like this. I don’t condone it – don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate it & I call him out on it. He forgets that I wouldn’t just let anyone choke me, I wouldn’t let just anyone fuck my ass & when he says shit like that about me letting anyone do it or I’ve fucked hoards of men, it’s actually about his self-esteem, not me! He says that shit to make himself feel better, not really to put me down.

As I get home I realise there has been some drama in the group, Silverlining getting himself banned & then cracking the shits at me. I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is or that he’s fucking me, so I don’t unban him & re add him but I talk to the group to let them know he didn’t really do anything wrong. He tells me to unban him & I tell him I won’t, but he tells me that I’m cute & would look cute if I was fighting with him. All he said to them was “What crawled up your cunts?” They say that they don’t like thw rod cunt & I mean I don’t love it either but can we not swear in groups now, does that get us banned? I chat with the group & he ends up getting unbanned without me being too obvious but Silverlining isn’t happy about it still.

I tell him that I am not sure & he says “Do you know what is cute? You pulling faces as you fight your inner demons on wanting to fuck me without a condom while you sit on my lap while your pussy is inches from my hard dick” Is that face really cute, he says yes but not as cute as me wanting his full attention on the chat app. He says that he’s got plenty of other women so he’ll take his business elsewhere. I tell him he’s a wanker & talk about other things, he says that he had to spray Febreze & glen 20 on the couch as it smelt like wet pussy. I wonder if we’ll get sprung because of my juices? Well I mean that was probably the last time I will see him, I mean he is finishing up work soon, I am back at work myself so won’t be able to do day time fucking, I just don’t know when we would ever get a chance again! I say that I hope we can at least catch up for lunches or a dinner when he works again, I really don’t want to lose him as a friend again. That seriously sucked more than losing the sex part. He goes off line without saying that he loves me, but I have said that I love him, I think he’s still pissed he was banned & I won’t add him back. But I won’t add him back because I don’t want to be obvious, I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is. He doesn’t come back online that night either, another sign that he’s seriously pissed off.

I wake up the next morning with no messages from him at all, so I message & get an immediate reply. I know this means he’s genuinely pissed at me. He says that his mum called him fat this week & his partner didn’t say anything to him when he put on a shirt that was a bit tight, so that told him everything & he is at the gym working out harder than ever before. I tell him that while he has put on weight since I last saw him, I still think he’s super sexy & he makes me cum so quickly. “Oh and did I forgot the part where one of my best online friends make it clear that the integrity of her precious group was mire important than me”  OMG, is he serious right now? The people in that group were there for me when he chose his wife over mean a year ago. They are people who stuck by me. I was also joking about banning him just like he was joking about not fucking me again if I didn’t unban him. He says he was joking but he is genuinely pissed off at my joke. I can’t even handle this right now, I hate that he gets like this & then pushes me away. I spend so long having to calm him down make him feel better when he treats me like this… What a risky game he plays, I could ruin his whole fucking life with a something so simple & he seems to forget that. Though he knows I am not going to do anything, he knows I am not like that, however I have those thoughts, just like anyone else… Mostly my thoughts of how I can get her to find out again. But what would that do? Nothing. Do I really want him because she left him because of some crazy stunt I pulled? No… I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me. So for now, this is our relationship.

I tell him he is the hottest man I have ever been with, he just thinks hot means body but to me, it means everything, his face, his body (which isn’t the best I’ve been with but he’s still super sexy to me) & our chemistry. I send him a naked body picture telling him I am stil wearing his cum, I also send him a picture in the nurse outfit to remind him how I fucked him yesterday & I offer to go to his work & suck his cock at lunch if he needs a reminder! He becomes vague & distant, not writing back as quick or with long responses like usual, so I say that if he wants me to come suck his dick, I’m free now or if he wants me to stop talking to him. I apologise for pissing him off, because clearly it’s hit a nerve more than I thought it would. “Fuck thought you were joking  , allready gone to lunch cos I was fucking starving.”  No I wasn’t joking, “That’s for the offer though , your amazing sometimes. I’m just on my period clearly”  I laugh & he is back. He says that it’s really pissed him off that he left himself go. I get that & he has stalked some dudes I fucked who are skinnier or buff, but they never made me cum like he does… I love him just as he is.

There is also a rumour going around that the chat app is closing, it’s been going on for months but this time they’ve sent out messages to everyone saying its closing. Which means I have to go back to the anon app with no notifications. I’ll be back at work soon & won’t be able to check my phone every 5 seconds. I’m actually sad that I finally have an app to message him on & it’s going to shut down. Everyone opens up accounts on this other chat app & I create an account in case Silverlining wants to use it but I assume he won’t download it because they have a shared iTunes account & it will come up in their lists… I don’t really understand how that works but assuming he won’t be able to get a new app. However I download it just in case.

I ask him if he has tried the popcorn pork crackle that has just come out which he says no, that the stores near him don’t sell it & so I make a mental note that next time I see him, I’ll take him a packet as I bought 2 but hate it. He says that he has to go offline again & says he’s loves me today for a change.

Well talk all day the next day about how stupid I was with Motocross & he gives me advice about dating, tells me not to be desperate. But I don’t think I come across as desperate to men, maybe I do? I don’t know. Someone once told me to wait three months before having sex with a dude you’re dating, I don’t think I could, I mean I tried not to fuck Motocross too soon but did on the second date, so I tell Silverlining this & he agrees. I’m not sure if he agrees because he doesn’t want me fucking anyone else or because he thinks it might work.

We then get onto weight loss & he tells me about how he & his partner were taking supplements & doing keto & that she lost 30kgs. I start to feel shit about myself, I work so hard to lose weight, look good & always feel fat yet she takes some supplements & loses weight & is probably smaller than me. He says I have a better body than her but I probably weigh more because of my muscle – but he says we’re about the same size – however I don’t think he realises what that does to me to think about her being the same size. Nothing fucks me off more than weighing more than everyone yet being the same size. Why does he tell me this shit? I ask “What the fuck do you need me for?” He replies “Cos your one of my best friends and I love you dumb ass. And you’re way hotter than you think you are. I say goodbye quickly as I’m at the gym & feeling so shit about how his partner is the same fucking size as me…. I don’t know why this pisses me off so much! I mean probably because I kill myself at the gym eating healthy & stay the same but she takes some supplements he gives her & she loses 30 kgs!
OMG it’s making me feel bad now, I’m off to the gym! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Cocktails with #IBD4U

Those that have been around for a while will remember that I woke up one morning & I decided that I wanted to meet some of you & so I posted on my blog Facebook page to see if anyone would be interested in a catch up! So we’re jumping ahead a bit in the story for me to post this blog, this was January 2020.

To my utter surprise, so many people commented & liked the post agreeing that they wanted to meet me, even people from interstate want to meet me! I never knew I would be so popular. I guess if I was reading someone’s life 3 times a week, I’m sure I would be invested too & be curious to see what they look like. I know I don’t describe myself often but most of you know, blonde hair just past my shoulders, blue/grey eyes, relatively fit, short at 5’3 & I don’t have high self-esteem about how I look. I’m sure now every woman you see who looks like this, you’ll wonder if she’s me! Hahaha…

I only stated this blog to inspire & empower women (even men) to either not make the same mistakes as me, learning from my mistakes – because it’s easier to see my mistakes when you’re not involved but hopefully you can see where I went wrong & change your path. But the main reason was because I felt alone going through all these weird things with men & finally had other women – & even some men, who contacted me, telling me they have been in similar situations or that they felt alone too until they found my blog. I am glad that I have helped some people along the way. I love to hear your stories so don’t stop messaging & emailing me, I literally live for your stories!

It’s not always about what I write about me per se, but if someone outside looking into my life can see the decisions I should have made & they change their course, then I am happy! As I’ve said many times, I can see the decisions I should have made when I look back & post a blog about it, but while I am in the middle of it, you can’t see things quite as clearly. When you’re in it, it’s fucked, you are making decisions based on what you want, not always based on what is right. If I made decisions based on what is right, then I never would have even met Silverlining, way back 2 & a half years ago…

I guess if I was reading this I would be super inquisitive too as to who is the writer, I’d want to know who was writing… If it’s who I’ve pictured all this time so I would attend. So I put out an event, gathered up a few close girlfriends & thought if worse comes to worse, we’ll all have a good night & that will be ok.

However as the night drew closer, with all the other anxieties in my life, I started to regret this idea. I had booked in for hair & make-up so I knew I would look good, it wasn’t about that but about meeting new people. I also then started to freak out that some partners or wives could rock up to see if it was me writing about their partner. I mean there is Dom Dom, J-Lo, Crows and god knows how many other men I’ve been with that have a partner. I also got a few weird messages asking where the event was & it they made me uneasy being that I don’t know who you are either…. So I didn’t think this through, did I want to meet people who didn’t give me a good vibe online? Luckily I hadn’t advertised where the event was or how to find me.

Cocktails with #IBD4U

I had people messaging me all day bailing. It was a super-hot day in January so I get that it was hard to get people to come out, but I kind of knew this would happen which was kind of a letdown.

However I wasn’t going to let this ruin my night, I had a few girlfriends going anyway so we were going for dinner then everyone else who was coming would come & we’d see what happened. The night would be fun regardless. I looked good, I wore a cute yellow dress I bought in Queensland, not many people can pull off lemon yellow, but I looked good. (You know I don’t usually say stuff like that!) I had my hair done & curled, I had my make-up done at mac. I felt good, I looked good. The night would be good no matter what happened.

So I think only one reader & her friend came along, everyone else that was there actually knows me in real life. I chatted to my readers & had a really good conversation with them. In fact I have become friends with one of them outside of the cocktails night. If I can ever find a guy to be on the podcast, we will get that going!

So the part was a bit of a letdown that I think I had 20 + people say they wanted me to do it, I booked an area at the hotel & then only 2 readers came. But do you know what I am also happy about that because I got to have a really good chat with them. Of course their main questions were if I was single & what spoilers I could give them. I am happy to give some spoilers in private (message me with questions) but there so much happens that I still recommend you read to understand why things happen the way they do…

After my readers left, the drinks start flowing a bit more freely for me, I didn’t want to be too drunk for meeting the fans. The girls & I start dancing & having a more of a great night. When some dude attaches himself to our group, in particular me. Now I am not a confident woman, so I don’t generally know when a man is hitting on me or do I pick up on subtle hints. It needs to be very direct & even then I don’t believe men half the time. However this dude was a weirdo, he kept saying that his uncle was some sort of famous soccer player, or that his uncle was a coach perhaps? I’m pretty sure he said for Liverpool? Isn’t that one of the most famous soccer clubs, also who gives a fuck?!

Anyway somehow he is mega drunk & attaches himself to me. When we get kicked out the pub, my friends & I are ready to kick on & we go to a karaoke bar in the city. WTF, I hate karaoke! The scary part is that I suggested it! So we go to the karaoke bar, with his dude in tow as well. He buys drinks & I fucking sing a song with him – OMFG! I think it was horses by Darryl Braithwaite. We’re there for a few hours before we all decide to go home. Now I am not really interested in the guy, but I think I would give him my number perhaps & we can catch up outside of this evening. I don’t want just another one night stand under my belt. This is where it turns!!

Like fuck, this guy standing outside of the karaoke bar waiting for my friends husband to pick us up, this guy becomes the most arrogant fucking pig I have ever had the misfortune to talk too…  When I said I wasn’t going to fuck him, he turned nasty about me living in the south, I live in a suburb, that isn’t renowned for its upper class status should we say, hahaha however he kept telling me that I’d be lucky f a guy like him from the west waned to fuck me, his other winning lines were him saying that he’d give me the best sex I ever had (Highly doubtful!). He also was talking about some sports car, like a Ferrari or something that we could have sex in. I have no idea. He said things about being too good for me etc, that his uncle was someone famous (that I do not know!) yet, here he is still hanging around waiting for me to take him home, wearing 2 hats…

Finally our ride arrives & he’s still trying to get me to go home with him but I refuse & he cracks the shits & gets into a cab. OMG… I can sure pick em! WHAT THE FUCK was that all about.

So needless to say I am not going to be organising a group cocktails ever again!! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Silverlining #32

Lately I’ve had a lot of new likes on Facebook, which is great. I love that people are getting involved in my blog, even if it’s just for the hearts… But this also worries me when people start reading halfway through a story, as this story especially, without the context of the last 400 blog posts might seem a little fucked up… I get that. I am not innocent or even trying to justify what I did. I know the part I play… So if you are a new reader, I don’t expect you to go back to the start & read all the posts about my life to understand this story, but just understand that each post doesn’t contain the whole story obviously so it make take some time to grasp what is happening & I will say that a lot of my posts are NSFW & should not be on your work computer! Hahaha.

I wake up to messages from him as usual, he tells me that he doesn’t think I’m a lonely loser. I know why he does this & interesting that I was chatting to my friend the other day about how he does this sort of thing & I get why he does it, I’ve probably talked about it before. It may piss you off that he talks to me like this but it’s about his own insecurities, not about me at all. However, he does annoy me that this is the way that he talks to me because it’s exactly how his partner talks to him, putting him down, making fun of his interests. To be really honest, I don’t even think he realises that he does it. I tell him not to back track now, I mean he psychoanalysed me as a stranger, there is no need to pretend that he didn’t mean it. He tells me that I have a lot of friends & people on the chat app, he thinks I am lonely being that everyone around me is in a relationship & sleeping next to someone every night but he didn’t mean it that way “Your so successful in your life especially based on how poor you were when being raised. Your not a loser. You make a lot of money and have done well to get where you are” I remind him that even though I have put my life on hold for work, to the detriment of our first affair & other guys I’ve dated & I am being treated like shit at my work, so while I earn a good wage & yeah I have my own home, it’s not everything. I have put my heart & soul into my work, I fucking love my job, but how successful are you really if you aren’t appreciated & being micromanaged after 5 years?

He replies “I still believe any man would be lucky to have you” I get what he’s trying to say but fuck that just hurts me when he says stuff like that, it always did – why doesn’t he want to be that lucky man? I try to change the subject, it’s not even 7:00am & I’m fucking down about my shit life. “It’s trueeeeeee. I think your fucking amazing but I maybe biased.” I just hate when he tries to build up my self esteem when clearly I am a loser.

We talk about if his daughter wakes up today & he mentions so weird tv show she loves & he says “You are an old lady with no kids” FUCK ME. I say wow & he asks if I’m a bit sensitive this morning. “No… But I did wake up early to a message saying I’m not a loser, when clearly I am…. Loser interests, loser taste in men, loser in my job, single sad loser sleeping alone every night & now old with no kids… Does that about sum it up?” OMG why do we bicker on days we’ve planned to see each other?!

Silverlining dont talk to me

“Argh. I’m just going to shut up now. Your not a loser at all. Your sexy , funny , beautiful,and an amazing friend. And far from a loser.” I say that I want to move on from this conversation because it’s not getting me in the mood to fuck him today & it’s making me want to cry “#IDB4U. Awww. I wanna hug you.”

I remember that the first time we ever were going to fuck, we had a fight all day, I tell him that I doubt I’ll cum today, I’m too moody now. He says he’ll kiss my mood away & fuck I start melting for him, which he knows I will anyway but fuck I hate how easy I calm down when he says something sweet.

To snap me out of this mood, I ask him if there is anything he wants me to bring today, I want to give him everything he’s never had, I want to make all his dreams come true but he says just my wet pussy. I laugh saying it’s kind of a package deal. He says he has no specific requests however I always know what he likes & that he loves all 3 of my holes equally. As I’m picking out an outfit, he says that he doesn’t matter what I wear & I ask why I am bothering. “Cos I unlock you sexy ass slutty side. And you want to be sexy for meeeeee.” I actually get quite turned on when I am getting ready for him, planning what I am going to wear, I picture what his face will do when he sees me, I know that as soon as he sees me – probably even before I’ve walked in his door, that he is semi hard knowing that I am getting closer to his house.

As I drive to his house dressed in the sexiest outfit I have ever worn for a man… I am wearing the nurse outfit he bought me Christmas that I haven’t worn for him, I have knee high white fish net tights that attach to the skirt of the nurse outfit. I am not wearing a bra or panties at all… Of course this isn’t an outfit that I can wear out in broad daylight, so I add the trench coat. I want to wear heels but Silverlining has a gravel driveway, so I wear ballet flats & carry the red patent leather skyscraper heels to his door. As I’m swapping shoes at his front door, shaking & struggling to get them on & stand up straight, he opens the door & FUCK. His eyes pop out of his head, he smirks & I know that he likes that I am wearing a trench coat for him, a fantasy we’ve both had! He has no idea what is underneath & I know that his eyes will pop again.

I am shaking like a leaf as he takes me into his strong arms & pulls me against his body kissing me deeply, pulling me into the house. We kiss & OMG I love kissing this man, our hands are everywhere… I am shaking because I want him to see what I am wearing but I am nervous about him seeing me. I’ve never done this before, I mean I’ve been in lingerie & a cute dressing gown when he’s got to my house before but not in a costume. I push him over to the couch & sit him down, undoing the belt of the coat & I watch his eyes… Fuck his eyes are so expressive. I don’t know how he gets away with lying because his eyes tell me everything I need to know. He is naked sitting on the couch & he is hard, so I kneel down & suck his cock till he is begging me to stop, saying that he doesn’t want to cum too quickly. I slide the condom on him & I climb up onto his lap & fuck him hard, I stick my tits in his face & he kisses them. He says that I have a tiny waist & I know he means it when he grabs it roughly to help me pump up & down on his cock. He flips us over so he’s on top of me fucking me on the couch, I cum multiple times. Fuck I love him…

As he gets close to cumming, he pulls out – I’ve already cum multiple times – lets face it it’s me & him so of course he’s made me cum while choking me so hard I can barely breathe but I love it… He slides his cock between my tits & I beg him to cum all over me, which he makes this noise combined with “Don’t say that & a squinty face right before he loses control & cums all over me. I absolutely love that feeling, why do I love that feeling? He rubs his cum into my tits once he’s done, which I also love. He knows that I love it too. He loves branding me with his cum & I love being branded.

We sit around cuddling & touching, talking about crap & honestly, this is my favourite time with him. Of course I don’t get it uninterrupted because he’s checking his phone for her location as she’s come home before when he has days off, even though his daughter is asleep she could appear at any time. I have no idea what I’d do if she did come home. I mean my shoes are outside that’s a dead give away something is going on. I try not to dwell on that, if it happens, I will deal with it then.

I start kissing him & rubbing his cock, I want him again before I leave & I want to leave before his daughter wakes up, I don’t want to traumatise the poor girl with me in a nurse outfit fucking her dad on the couch. He’s hard instantly, as I straddle his lap again. Even though his cock tastes like condom & my cum, I suck it till he’s hard as a rock & ready to fuck me again. I struggle again with the right & wrong of fucking him without a condom & as I sit on him, dripping wet with how much I’ve cum today, his cock slips inside me bare… OMG it feels so fucking good! There is nothing better than this mans cock inside me without a condom on. This is so stupid but lets be honest, whatever he has, I’d already have it anyway. His face when I start fucking him bare is that of pure ecstasy, he says something & I say that I’m too wet & he slipped in… It makes up both cum so quickly & together. How the fuck do we keep cumming together!?

Of course when we’re done, we literally sit there entwined in each others limbs, sated & both loving the fact we didn’t use a condom. He asks why I fucked him without one & I don’t have a reason, besides I basically rub myself all over him, if he has an STI, I would already have it… I’m not fucking anyone else anymore, so I just went with it.

His daughter wakes up early, even though I was hoping to spend a bit longer with him after we cum, but I jump up & put on my trench coat & & he goes to get her up, I kiss him good bye & leave. There is something shit about leaving like this, quickly & not with a proper goodbye. I mean, I go back to work on Monday & so I don’t know when we will ever be able to see each other again, he will be unemployed soon, so I can’t meet him at his work. I will be at work when she’s at work, plus my work is far from where he lives. I can’t see him on weekends as he’ll have the kids, I don’t know how this is going to work out, but with everything else epically shit in my life with work, I cling onto this one good thing. My best friend back in m life for as long as that may be!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #31

So even though he’s just said goodbye, left like an asshole, he comes back online around 10:30 pm & says sorry “Anyway sorry for calling your interests lame and the stuff your into. I’m into lame stuff and I freely admit it with you now , and that makes me the biggest loser of all.”  I see them on my watch but refuse to click on them & then about 30 minutes later I get “Anyway , love you x”  Fuck he makes me melt so easily… I know why he does this type of thing though & of course it pisses me off, but I get why he does it. He doesn’t think he is good enough for me, he never has. He thinks I am this super cool, awesome chick that would never be into a geek like him. This is about his insecurities, not about me, it’s not easy for me to understand this because I am the same, I push people away when I think they are getting too close. I know most guys I have dated haven’t always put in a lot of effort but after writing this blog, I wonder if I push people away & Silverlining was the only one that made so much effort to keep me in his life? I don’t blame myself for everything that’s happened, but I’m sure that I am part of the reason why I am still single…

I wake up to a good morning message also, which makes me smile, I thought he would be too stubborn to message me late at night & also first thing in the morning without me even reading his messages & replying. I tell him I am going for a jog though it’s hot as fuck in Queensland, he tells me it’s cold in Adelaide & we’re talking so cordial that I think what the fuck is happening here… I apologise for missing his messages & say that I love him too, even when he’s a wanker. He tells me I didn’t need to apologise, but I know he needs the reassurance just as much as I do. He of course knows that I like his douche side but I didn’t think he’d leave without saying good bye “We said our goodbyes. In person. In messages. And in email. I sat on a car and said goodbye to you” Ok so he’s talking about when it ended the first time, not last night which is what I am talking about. But also, he thinks we got to say goodbye in person? I mean when he met me to give me my keys back in the car, he messaged me right after & said that didn’t finished. Also when we were at my house with all his stuff here, he said see ya soon, because he was dropping the kids off then coming back here, but I never saw him again because he fucking snuck in & took all his stuff back like a thief in the night. Does he not remember it the same way I do?

But he says he’s a dick & I know he’s a softie when it comes to me, I mean I wasn’t replying & he still came back online & said that he loved me & which he says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about because he’s being a dick. He also has to delete the app when he gets home because she still looks through his phone so he doesn’t have the chat anymore, but I do! Hahaha. I screenshot it & circle the ‘Anyway , love you x’ & write on the screenshot ‘love you too xxx’. I tell him that he’s super cute, I mean the man sent me messages every 30 minutes even though I was being stubborn & not replying or reading them

He tells me that the chat app might be shutting down, which we’ve heard a million times, but I wonder what we will do if it does shut down? I hate the anon app as I don’t get notifications anymore & that pisses me off. But I’m sure we’ll find some way to communicate.

He asks me when I am back in Adelaide & I tell him it’s tomorrow, “Nice , you still on to see me Thursday?”  I literally laugh out loud. I have this idea to wear the nurse outfit he bought me for Christmas & the trench coat, 2 fantasies in one. I want desperately to wear it for him since he bought it for me & I want to see his eyes pop when he sees me wear it too, so I reply that a local health care person may need to make a house call & I think he understands what I am going to do. I know that when I arrive at his house, I will be shaking like a leaf, but I can’t wait to live out this fantasy with him. I know he’s at work late, it’s Tuesday night, our usual night we used to meet, so I send some pictures of the sexy lingerie that I bought today in Brisbane. He says all the right things, like how hot I look, that I look pretty, that I’m so sexy & if you follow my facebook page you’ll know that the words of affirmation are my love language, which I didn’t know but it make sense to be honest, I mean I love when he tells me how much he wants to fuck me or kiss me or hug me. When he says pretty though, it sounds so weird coming from him & he says that I have gotten prettier & my body is hotter than before “You looked so pretty at my house the other day” We say goodnight & our usual love you’s. Just as I am about to turn off my computer & go to sleep, he is back online because he’s home & she’s asleep. He tells me again that this isn’t healthy, yet he doesn’t try to stop it & often says I love you first with a kiss.  We talk for ages about tv shows we watched as a kid, what I am watching on my computer. It’s all normal conversation & conversation that I desire with him, conversation that I have missed so much! He talks a little about his family too, his brother & how his parents split weeks after he was born, his mum was young & so was his dad. It’s really nice to have this type of conversation with him. But it’s super late, I don’t want to say goodnight so I keep chatting even though my eyes are basically closing. He says it’s time for bed & he goes with the usual I love you & kisses. FUCK

 

I wake up to my usual good morning message which makes me fucking smile the second I wake up, he says that he’s tired & had to drop his kids off & his son had a fight with him over wearing socks… I say that kids have their own personality & people often forget that. He says “Some people are smart and don’t have kids” Yeah the reason I don’t want kids of my own is because they have a right to not want to put on their socks, some days I don’t want to do things but it’s just I’m too old now to chuck a tantrum about it. He says it surprises him that I’d be interested in a man who has kids & he tells me that I’d probably make a really good mum. I know I would & if it happened when I was younger I would have loved it, but because it never did, I became more & more stubborn & didn’t want to change my life to become a mum. He says again to me that if he lost his kids he would want one with the nest woman, but I am past my use by date… I mean I can still have children & I tell him again that I would’ve had kids with him… It makes me wonder though, again… If I wasn’t so adamant about saying that I didn’t want kids, would he have taken the leap with me when the threat of losing his kids came up? It makes me wish that I just kept my mouth shut about what I wanted, because I would have had kids with him & the thing that fucks me off now, is that this is the first & only time in my life that I have thought about kids. I don’t regret tying my tubes but I feel a weird pang that makes me wish I didn’t do it. To get off this topic because it makes me quite sad, there are always if only’s but this is a big one! Would things be different if I had of wanted kids?! Fuck I really hate this what if. Anyway to get us off this topic, I send him pictures of my ass & he says that he needs more than that to make him hard, so I find the picture of me with cum on my face & some other sexy pictures which make he hard instantly & he says that I win. I board my plane, saying goodbye to my friend & goodbye to Queensland, saying I love you to him & switching off my phone. The whole flight I think of nothing but having his child. FUCK. This is not something I ever expected to think about. Oddly, if it’s possible, I still don’t want a child of my own, but if he wanted one & was with me, I would find a way to have one…

I touch down & as we’re taxing to the airport, I log on & tell him I am home because I hate not being able to talk to him when he is available – he’ll be home soon & log off for a few hours before she goes to bed. During our welcome home conversation he asks if Motocross came to see me. I laugh out loud & say that we both knew he wasn’t coming, also weird that Silverlining waited the entire week to ask. Also if Motocross did come, then I wouldn’t have been messaging as much. I had made a decision before I left for Brisbane that if Motocross did come that I would stop fucking Silverlining. But in actual fact, I never see Motocross again, so technically I am only fucking one of them at a time. We start having a chat about my failed attempts at relationships & he says that I need to not be so guarded, well the one guy that I did let in & told everything too hurt me, so I am more reserved than ever before. He told me as as a stranger than I’m a lonely loser going to bed by myself every night, so I can only assume he means it & that’s what he really thinks. I mean it’s probably true at this point. At 38 only one man has every loved me & all the others have used me fore whatever reason was convenient for them. Silverling says goodbye because he’s almost home, I say have a good night & love you. He says see you tomorrow & that he loves me too.

He doesn’t come back online tonight, which sends my head into overdriving thinking about them having sex, however I am asleep early because traveling makes me tired. I am not going to dwell on any of that shit now about me being a loser, him being with her, him having sex with her… I focus on the fact that I get to see him tomorrow, I get to kiss him & touch him, be with him, cuddle him, talk to him face to face & I am definitely going to be the sexiest bitch he’s ever seen when he opens the door.

#IBD4U