Noodle #44

I must be stupid because not only am I working full time in a very difficult, time consuming job that requires me to travel, I am also studying law part time but I also sign up to upgrade a certificate 4 that I have that has been superseded. I am now basically studying full time as well as trying to fit in the gym, my friends, my family & Noodle. I decide that to get the course done for my certificate that I need some time off. I also hope that I will see Noodle, but I don’t see him for another week since we had lunch together – the day I was crying like an idiot, trying to end it. Our conversations have been horrible, but it’s stuff I think we need to say. I know you all think I don’t think about her feelings, but I think about her more than you know. More than I tell you… One of my biggest fears when I do get in a proper relationship is that I will be cheated on & refuse to believe it. I do think of her, trust me. & I fucking hate how far this has come with him…

Noodle did say we wouldn’t fuck as much or speak as much, so maybe Noodle he’s just following through on that by not coming back online at night, saying he fell asleep or not being online at all during the day. When he used to sneak a message into me when he was in the toilet or when he was picking his son up. Now I just have radio silence for hours. Is he trying to pull away after our conversations? Is he trying to piss me off so that I end it? Lucky I’m not a crazy lunatic that would go to his house & tell his partner everything. As much as I wish I was that nuts, I am never going to do that & he trusts me to not do that, just as I trust he’ll never let her know who I am if she was to find out about this affair.

He says that his partner is going to be induced this Friday & she’ll be in hospital overnight on Saturday with the baby, he won’t have his son so he wants me to come over, he wants to fuck me at his house again. I ask why he isn’t staying at the hospital but he says they don’t have beds for partners in the public hospital & he’s arranged for his son to be at one of their parents houses. This is not a good idea but I can’t resist. I can’t fucking resist… I am a horrible person, don’t think I am proud of even thinking about this.

I spend all day Saturday putting in stupid cheap ass hair extensions, doing my makeup & I’m putting on the nurses outfit that he gave me for Christmas, the super high red heels that I bought, big hoop earrings (that I consider leaving one behind for her to find… However I’m not like that either. I wish I was sometimes! That would end all this bullshit once & for all.) & I’m going to meet him at his front door with a stethoscope & ask him if he called a nurse. But when he messages me to say his partner has been sent home, he apologises profusely. I’m surprised he didn’t just log off & ignore me like he usually would, or like Rob Rob would do, he does try to message me & when she goes to bed, he spends a lot of time telling me how much he wanted to see me tonight. I send him a picture of how good I look & he sends me a picture of his hard cock. But I’m deflated & so I take out the hair extensions & wiping off the make up like Bridget Jones when she ‘goes home to de-bunny’ when she peels off the eyelashes. I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m such a fool.

Sunday he messages to tell me that they have had a healthy baby girl, but doesn’t tell me her name. I ask if everything went well & if his partner is ok, which she is – I don’t wish her ill, I just wish she’d break up with Noodle (since he won’t leave her) so I can have him. Hahaha. I don’t ask what the baby’s name is because I figure if he wanted me to know he’d offer that info. It’s weird he doesn’t tell me when he told me the baby was born, this guy is my best friend right? Why wouldn’t he tell me the name of his child? I mean it took months for him to tell me his son’s name, but this is now a year later, I’m sure we’re close enough that he can tell me her name? Plus he says they’re the reason he won’t leave, but he doesn’t ever really talk about them!

He says that he has his son tonight but he wants me to come over anyway when he’s asleep. Of course I’ve been at his house when his son was there before but I still feel a little weird about it, so I abandon the nurse idea, not only because his son is there but I feel foolish for making a big deal about it yesterday that I can’t make a big deal today. So I just opt for jeans & a singlet – Noodles most hated outfit for me. I don’t do that on purpose & not that he notices but that’s all I could feel comfortable in today.

Noodle kisses me instantly as I walk in the door, undressing me in the doorway before leading me into his bedroom, their bedroom. I’ve never been in there before obviously, last time I was here, we stayed in the lounge room & just had sex on their couch – they haven’t got the new one yet or I’d suggest we christen it. I don’t get much time to survey the room before I am on the bed which is just covered in a sheet, no quilt or pillows before Noodle pushed me on the bed, telling me that the sheets are clean (well I fucking hope so.) We have sex, but Noodle spends a lot of time just lying on top of me kissing me. I fucking love this. Fuck it’s been so long since we were in a bed, it feels so good to have him just lying on top of me, kissing me so sensually. It’s the longest time we’ve had together in ages, there’s no rush, we won’t get interrupted, I don’t think about where I am, our hands are everywhere, it feels like this is how it should be all the time. Slow & sensual, not rushed fucking in the backseat, we usually get with each other. Noodle doesn’t take off my panties, using them to pull up against my clit to get me off, he loves doing that, pushing them aside to fuck me, I’m not sure if guys do this because they also like the feel or like the look or are just keen to stick their dick in. But it always makes me feel sexy when he fucks me without taking my panties off.

Laying there with Noodle afterwards, there is no rush, he gets up to get us a drink & I finally look around while he’s gone. They have a lot of stuffed toys stacked in the corner – that seem to go halfway up the wall. I didn’t picture her as a little, but I guess maybe she is?! Their room is quite full of crap, just like the rest of their house, there is a ironing board right in front of 2 doors that go off their bedroom, assuming one is the walk in robe & one is the bathroom. I lay there thinking I am the worst type of human right now when he walks back in & gives me a drink of water, looking at me with a look that can only be described as love. I give you permission to vomit. Hahaha.

He lays on top of me again, kissing me, I love feeling his weight on me, his manly sexy body taking over mine. He slips his hand under my panties & makes me cum so easily, like I can’t even understand how he can do it quicker than I can do it to myself. He sits up & slips my panties off me but rubs them against me, I am not sure what he has planned but he is fingering me, I feel something else, what does he have? He’s using my panties almost covering his fingers sliding inside me. Fucking hell that is hot. He gets me off again, using my lacy panties inside me. He tells me after that he’s never done that before but just felt like it would be hot. & fuck it was, I haven’t had anyone do that to me before either. I love when he thinks of things like that that surprise me, he thinks I’m so super experienced in kink but really, I am just as new to it as he is. I sometimes think that we’ve done everything, that we’ll get boring but then we do something & I’m reminded that we have so much more to explore.

He lays down next to me & we cuddle. Fuck I have missed cuddling this guy – in a bed. His hands run all over my skin when he moves his hand to my neck… He squeezes it gently & it kind of makes me make this weird noise that makes him do it again, I start squirming against him as he does it over & over, taking his hand away but then bringing it back to squeeze my neck. We’ve talked about choking & how I want to try it but am a little scared, but as he starts to do it, I am moaning & without actually begging him with words, my body is begging him for me, which spurs him on. I trust him & I know he will go slow & react as my body reacts. He sits up again, holding me down my throat as he slips his other fingers inside me, making me squirt like he hasn’t done before with his fingers. I am spray squirting & cumming so much that I am concerned about how wet his bed is getting. I am feeling like I should be more quiet than I am considering where I am. We lay there again after I’ve cum, this time I’m lying on my back, Noodle is next to me, I am enjoying this long slow session with him, it’s hot & sexy, even though I can’t really believe where I am right now. I decide that I am going to suck his cock, something I do pretty much every time we fuck anyway, but this time I can use both hands & lay comfortably. At one point, I remember vividly, him saying “OMG what are you doing #IBD4U” & I almost stop because he never says my name to my face & I am not sure if it was because he isn’t enjoying it but he cums pretty quickly in my mouth that I realise I have just given him the best blow job he’s ever had. Which is what he says when he opens his eyes again. Hahaha.

We lay there hugging & talking, he says that he wants to ask me to stay the night. OMG, I want to so badly. I would love nothing more than to spend the night in his arms, set an alarm for early in the morning, have sex again & sneak out. There is nothing I want more, he knows this is my ultimate fantasy, it’s the thing I want more than anything out of every sexual fantasy that I have, the only one I want is to sleep next to Noodle all night. I tell him that we shouldn’t & he says a disappointed ‘yeah’, but he knows that I am right to say no. Even though I am dying for this fantasy. Absolutely dying. I am dreading getting up & walking away from him right now knowing he wants me to stay. But I do, I get up & get dressed, hating myself for not taking up on his offer, however I know this is the right decision. Sleeping over is really crossing a line…

Noodle killing me bother me.png

The next day Noodle & I don’t talk a lot obviously as he’s down at the hospital early & picking up his partner & baby (that I still don’t know her name). It’s starts to make me think of how Boyfriend said to me when he was leaving me that I didn’t know him at all. I always thought that Noodle & I were best friends, I feel like I know everything about him but he is keeping this detail from me. I don’t know why it is bothering me but it is. Am I being pathetic?

I decide to just ask him, for fuck sake, if he won’t tell me maybe it’s because he thinks I am not interested. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so maybe he thinks I don’t care about his kids. Which isn’t true, I mean I have always asked about his son, probed him for months to find out his name & ask questions about him. I always think about his son playing with my nephews, who are all the same age. Now he has a daughter about a year younger than my nieces. I can imagine them all playing together when they come over my house. This is a little ridiculous but I think that his little family will be in mine someday. A hybrid family with his kids.

I ask him what his daughters name is & when he tells me, I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says that he was dying to tell me but didn’t want to seem like a loser. I can’t even believe that he would think I could ever think he was a loser at this point. He says that it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that he’s told me her name. I actually want to hug him so badly right now. I do struggle though to believe that the kids are his number one reason for not wanting to leave her when he doesn’t even fucking tell me their names! I also struggle to believe that I am his best friend when he doesn’t even want to tell me their names or send me a picture. It’s not like I’m a weirdo predator, I want to see him with them, I want to see what his life is like outside of me. It’s like he’s trying to keep me separate from his life. Maybe he’s smart to do that…

#IBD4U

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Noodle #43

The next morning Noodle messages me & says good morning & then sends me a bunch of messages about someone on the chat app chatting to me even though I am not online. He says “Hmmm clearly he’s in your good books. Has a better body than me too. Should fuck him, he’s local too.” I wake up to that, like really. I’m fuming… What a fucking wanker. “Yeah, well I might. ” I know this will piss him off he replies “See told ya, I’d support you. Good for you. You got much planned for today? Cos I could probably see you for lunch if you wanna catch up” You know I want to say no, you know I am desperate to just get rid of this guy but like the drug I’m addicted too, I can’t. He’s at the barber that takes forever to cut his hair, so he’s got some time. But I say that he knows I do want to see him & he replies “Never know might have better options” which pisses me off even more. Why is he pushing me away, I know I need to walk away but I don’t want to, this is so fucked. I say “Stop fucking being a douche” but he says that he’s trying to help me but in honesty he’s just making it worse. “How would you feel if I said to you ‘I don’t want a future with you go fuck someone else?!” he says that’s exactly what I said to him yesterday, which is bullshit. I didn’t say that at all, I think my desperation for a future with him is what has got me in the this mood & the fact that he’s telling me that he’ll support me no matter what I decide & now he’s telling me to fuck other people. Is it a test? I have to dig deep with him to get him to tell me what I said that could possibly be interpreted as I don’t want a future with him. He says “You said you have a timeline to end everything & never talk to me again. Essentially delete me from your life.” Does he not realise that the timeline & no contact is to protect myself. “Yeah because I can’t have future with you… I can’t be friends with you if I can’t have more with you. & the timeframe is only cos I can’t walk away. I’m trying to be reasonable here… I get there’s a baby on the way. But if you still feel the same way in a few months, then I have to move on. Not because I don’t want a future with you but because you don’t want that with me.” Maybe one day he’ll get it? “Do what you need to do, I’m not gonna feed you lies or string you along either. I would love a future with you but yeah things are too complicated in my life for that. But anyway. Moving along now. Both of us have fucked each other over catching feelings & yeah not gonna end well now by the looks of things. Oh well I’ll live. & you’ll have 1000000 guys ready for ya so you’ll live too.” I start crying. I could totally punch him in the face right now. I have to put my phone down “Can we talk at lunch?” I am going to end it at lunch. I have too. I know I said I had timeframe, It’s the end of March, I was planning to wait until the baby was a few months old & closer to my birthday in August, but I am now balling my eyes out. This is so unlike me to be honest. I never cry & I definitely never cry over a man, a man I never had to begin with. I think that Noodle deserves to have a face to face break up with me, as much as it will be hard, I would want the same. Not that I am probably going to get that, I will try to give that to Noodle. “I’m scared you’ll delete me” I get that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, being I am like his only one. But I also can’t be his friend, as much as I want him in my life, there is no way I can just his friend after what we’ve been through. He’d never be able to see me for lunch or a drink. We’d still have to sneak around & I just know, the junkie that I am would want one more hit of the good stuff. I’d get pulled back in. “At least you can say that you made the great & powerful #IBD4U cry!” with an laughing emoji. He apologises & asks me to pick him up. I put my makeup on carefully, trying not to cry, but I have to keep telling myself that, If I’m crying over stuff we’re saying to each other then it’s time to end it.

I pick him up from the shops near my house, where he is supposed to be, he leaves his phone there & we go to our Mexican place for lunch, where we’ve had lunch before. Sitting there opposite him, having cried all morning, I struggle to get the words out that this has to be over, I know he can feel it too. I’m sure he knows this is the end for us. I mean he asked to meet me for lunch, he didn’t ask to come to my house to fuck me. We both know that this is the end. We eat in almost silence. Just looking at each other, can he see the pain in my eyes? I can see something in his, I mean he never cries obviously being a macho man but I have to look away.

I’m trying not to look in his eyes, but we can’t stop making eye contact with each other, we finish eating & before I know it I’m asking “How much do you want to fuck me right now?” Where the fuck did that come from? You’re supposed to be ending it, not fucking him, he says he wants to fuck me a lot & next minute we’re driving in my car back to my house with his hand on my leg. He fucks me over the kitchen bench hard & fast. Well that went well… Well done!

OK, that has to be it! One last multiple orgasm with him! FUCK. I’m so stupid! Why did I fuck him. I drop him back at his car & somehow I get the words out to ask him if he wants me to come with him to do his errands. He says no, he’s running now & I think because he is supposed to be out buying his partner a birthday present. It’s her 30th tomorrow, so assuming he doesn’t really want his mistress there for that, even though I did give him some ideas of what to get her.

Noodle courage respect.png

“How cute you wanted to hang with me longer” he messages as I pull into my driveway again, I mean really, he still doesn’t realise that I want to hang with him, for more than just sex! “Well I figure that was the last time we’ll hang out. Thought you might want some company with your errands” I just want to spend time with him. “Would have been nice if we hadn’t had lunch or fucked. Which I preferred to do. I didn’t mean to blow you off sorry. Didn’t think you were gonna ask to hang with me for the rest of the day.” I feel like an idiot for even asking now, so I wish I didn’t. ”Don’t worry. We should just keep it to sex & sexting” I don’t even know why I say that, that’s not what I want. ”I would of been happy just having lunch & talking to you… Didn’t have to have sex. My fav part of tues night is chatting to you.” Oh fuck, that’s been my favourite part too… I tell him that I was planning on ending it today at lunch but I chickened out. ”TBH thought you were gonna do that last night. It’s why I jumped in the front seat. Had a bad gut feeling. As if you were gonna end it today with me. Then changed your mind & wanted to hang with me for the rest of the day. WTF. LOL. Wasn’t expecting today. Eh you might as well fuck me till something better comes along. Then make me jealous & end it that way” I don’t want to make him jealous at all, I go to great lengths to make sure he doesn’t get jealous! ”I assumed you had to go home again, so you jumped in the front seat… I thought we could spend one day together before it completely ends… But doesn’t matter. I don’t want to make you jealous so you end it. But I do need to start seeing other people.” What a joke, as if that’s even going to be possible! ”Do whatever you wanna do. Like I said just be easier just fuck other people & forget me. You can end it thru text. Be easier. Rather you just end it.” OMG, he wants it over? ”You want it to be over?” I do need him to fucking end, because I have done so well with that so far! ”Nope but you do so theres no point. If I want it over I’ll end it. It’s gonna end eventually. I’m struggling to contain my jealousy as it is (due to my personal confidence issues) so yeah. Might as well do it nicely.” We’re both fucking retarded. ”If I really wanted it over, I would have ended it. But not going to do it over text. I don’t want it to end AT ALL… I want you.” how can he think any different ”Not what I’ve been feeling” Is he insane? How can he be feeling that I want to end it. I mean I know I have said to him that I need to end it but there’s a big difference about wanting to & needing too. I ask him why he thinks that & he says it’s just a feeling he gets. ”That I don’t want you? I come see you at the gym at 10 or later, I pick you up from random places so I can see you… I stay awake all hours to try to get a minute to talk to you… But no, I don’t want you. I’m also crying cos I told you I had a timeframe because even though you have told me time & time again you won’t leave, I still stupidly hold this hope you will so I’m trying to give you more time… But you respond with do what you have to do” Like does he really not get it, is he that insecure? Or is that I am not giving him the reassurance that he needs? ”Ok, maybe you do. Argh, don’t wanna make you cry #IBD4U. Guys don’t make you cry grrr” Yeah he’s right, guys don’t but this does! This is killing me. ”I’m stupid for thinking he just needs more time. I’ll give it to him but if he still feels the same in a few months then I have to be smart. But when you respond with shit like that, I think he’s never going to change his mind, why am I hanging around & I should be fucking other people.” Even though it’s not what I want ”Your not stupid for thinking that. Wishful thinking isn’t stupid. Have you not seen my stupid cheesy smile around you lately” Yeah that stupid smile is the fucking reason I’m in the his mess! I love that smile & I love the man smiling at me! “I am. You’ve never given me any indication that we could have future so why do I think it’s just timing?! My other option, that I couldn’t say, was that I give you the time but I see other people (which lets face it, hasn’t gone well in the last year anyway!). Because I don’t want to lose your friendship… That’s what’s actually making me cry TBH.” I can’t imagine my life without chatting to him everyday to be honest. “Ok, how’s about you start seeing other people & yeah we be friends. & avoid having sex. If we can…” This is the dumbest idea since we started this supid affair. “OMG… How are we going to be just friends & not have sex? Just work out with me?” This is never going to work “Well stop doing it a few times a week?” I tell him that I don’t want that & don’t think we can do that & he says that he doesn’t want that either but just wants me to be happy. We agree that I will not fuck anyone from the chat app, he says he’ll be too jealous, I agree that I don’t want him fucking anyone off there so I get it… But I will try to see other people, which I know how this is going to go. I don’t want to fuck anyone else. “I actually don’t want to see other people but I’m so invested I keep going insane when you don’t message or can’t see me when I want.” I do get insane, I know I do. He gets jealous of me chatting to other people & I guess I get jealous when he doesn’t show me attention because he’s with his family. “I’m sure if you fuck some other people you’ll find something new to invest your time in. I’m a total loser, not even sure why you fell for me. Rather not lose you as a friend” Urgh I hate when he says stuff like that. “You have no idea how much I want to beg you to pick me. I don’t think you’re a loser. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend either.” Urgh are we really doing this? “I don’t want to hold you back. Live your life #IBD4U. I’ll survive no matter what you do. Go on dates, fuck other guys, meet people off the chat app.” OMG, is he fucking kidding me? “Alright, I’ve had enough of this convo… Cos now you’re being a douche.” WTF? We are just stupid “I don’t ever want to stop being friends with you. It’s why I’ve been so douchy. It fucked me off that you wanted to just delete me from your life. Like really fucked me off.” OMG, I didn’t realise that would upset him that much! “I don’t want to do that, that’s the only way I can get over this… I want you in my life but if I can’t have you the way that I want you, I don’t know if I can move on, if the carrot is always dangled in front of me…” His reply infuriates me “Plenty of other carrots to try” I tell him that I don’t want other carrots & he says that he has to go, what a fucking surprise. Before he goes “Just yeah wanna stay friends if we can. But fuckk I love fucking you too. & still work out.” Am I stupid to be considering being friends with him? Can I even be friends with him?

#IBD4U

Noodle #42

The following Tuesday I see Noodle again at the gym, at 10:00 pm, we fuck in the backseat, steaming up the car & enjoying the hot sex that has escalated to more passion, if that’s even possible in the back seat of a car since we said I love you. We say it via text every night as we go to sleep & I am really still struggling to believe that I am not going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I tell him that I am not even sure that I believe that he loves me, I mean how can he? I’m a complete bitch all the time, I’m needy & pissed off. When I say to him one day that I heart him, he says “Oh dear god” with an emoji that I know is a joke but I say that it’s so hard for me to say that to him & he says it back but then adds that he “heart fucking you too” I laugh. I tell him that he’s probably said it everyone so it doesn’t mean anything for him, but it means something for me, being this is the first man I’ve ever said that too. He tells me that I am the third chick ever, which surprises me.

Thanks to my fact checkers the other day, I believe I have never told you this part to the story. I’m sure I hadn’t but wasn’t sure – didn’t want to bore you twice, however it’s kind of an important detail. I can’t really remember when this was in the timeline of the story, however it was long before the L word so probably only like 8-9 months into the affair when Noodle tells me that he has to be extra careful. I ask him why because nothing has happened, I mean I think at this time he still was able to fake his location too. He says that he was on his way home from work, his partner was home so he pulled over to message me a goodbye message as he won’t be back on till she goes to sleep. I literally smile my head off at the fact that he actually pulls over to say a proper goodbye to me & finish up our conversations. These cute things he does & doesn’t tell me, if only he told me this stuff… Anyway, I don’t think much of this, besides how adorable it is, when he tells me that when he got home she questioned why he pulled over & stopped. OH HOLY FUCK. I ask him what he said, he says that just told her he didn’t pull over & that the app must’ve frozen. Oh sweet baby cheeses! She apparently believed it too…. But as if she’s tracking him while he drives home from work!? I don’t understand how she can live like that – always suspicious & I also don’t understand why he is ok with that either. That is no life. I would hate it.

The next day, I am going to Kangaroo Island for a few days for work, so I will have to drive past his house tomorrow on my way, which is kind of exciting for some weird reason. I wonder if it’s just because I know where he lives & what we’ve done there before, perhaps? I don’t know, but I am excited to drive past his house to get to the ferry. While I’m away, Noodle tells me that he is going to the Limp Bizket concert in Adelaide & was going to ask me to go with him. I ask him why he didn’t ask me because I’m not a huge fan of Limp Bizket but I would’ve gone with him, any chance to go somewhere with him. He tells me that he didn’t ask me because he wasn’t sure if his partner would go with him & then he says that I am away anyway. I remind him that I could plan my trips to basically anytime I want, so it pisses me off that he doesn’t know this & goes to the concert alone. I mean I plan my trips to make sure that I am home on Tuesday nights to see him, leaving on Wednesdays mornings! Again, I fucking hate travelling for work. I used to love my job, but now I fucking hate it. I hate being away & he does things that I could do with him & I can’t because I’m fucking away! I hate that he didn’t even ask me to go with him & I could’ve changed this trip to make sure I was home… He’s such a dick, he didn’t want to look like dickhead by asking me & me saying no, so he just didn’t ask. What an actual fuck wit!

I’m on my last day of my trip, I have planned to be home for the gym then I am going to see him at his gym later that night, having not seen him for a few days & really fucking sad that I didn’t get to go to the concert with him last night & he went alone, sending me pictures of the concert, I am a little heartbroken for him that he went alone… During the day I am in a meeting room alone & so sitting there chatting to him when we end up having an argument, he recently got a $10k bonus at work & they go shopping to buy a whole new lounge room suite, a whole fucking suite with couch, buffet, book shelf – the works… They’re about to have a baby & they have a 4 year old, why the fuck would you go out & buy all new furniture that the kids will wreck? & also when they are in a fuck ton of debt? & what’s even more disturbing, why the fuck does this annoy me? It has nothing to do with me, except it does… It makes me realise that he is still in this thing with his partner, not just because of the kids but he actually is making no attempts to leave her. This is like a kick in the guts. They have so much debt & should be paying it off their credit cards which he tells me all the time are in his name, so if he left her, he’d have all the debt. I am being snappy with him because I am fucking gutted & sad.

We are chatting weirdly, but now I am preparing myself for him to pull away once the baby is born, it’s due date is fast approaching, she is unable to move, he’s off work so I assume he’ll start pulling away. He tells me “If you love something set it free. Just don’t forget about me” Fucking hell he pisses me off! I tell him that I have a time frame in my head, I figure that I have about 6 more months that I can do this with him. The baby will be born & if he can’t leave, then I will end it. I’m good with due dates, I am good with limits. I’ve set my quit date! I am going to do it. He says he won’t harass me or hound me or beg for my attention, I know that he’s too stubborn for that, even though he’s also told me that he wouldn’t let me walk away. I tell him that I won’t talk to him at all & he asks “Really? Not even a hi now & then?” I say that I won’t be able too, it’s that like a junkie around the drug? I won’t be able to resist. He says “Hmm, ok. You’d just throw the friendship away too?” but I have to think of myself here “The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do it walk away from this knowing, I was never quite good enough yet again” I am breaking, I feel on the verge of tears & I never cry. “You good enough. Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Probably the best chick I have ever met. Don’t EVER think your not good enough. The guy that gets you is gonna be one of the luckiest guys on the planet. ” That is just like a stab to the heart, again! He tells me that I have learned a lot from us “How to be a damsel in distress. How to be a great fun loving partner. I may have set you up to succeed better in the future. Don’t get sad. I’m so lucky to have met you.” Yeah lucky to meet me, but you’re not going to spend your life with me! I tell him “I’m trying to be reasonable here. I get you have a baby about to pop out so my timeframe isn’t that soon. But if in a few months if you still feel the same about staying with her. I can’t stick around.” I have to have a plan here. “It’s not you. If I didn’t have kids… Yeah anyway. Wanna still be friends” I don’t think that’s a possibility to be honest. I would love that, but how would that even work? He asks me “Your gonna destroy me aren’t you lol. Easiest way. Just fuck heaps of people & tell me how good they are. That’ll get me running” This guy doesn’t know me at all does he? “I’m the one who’ll be destroyed… Nothing changes for you. You’ll have your family to distract you. You’ll be fine.” He won’t even think about me, I’m sure of that “You do mean a lot to me. It will hurt. A lot. Don’t think it won’t.” I just say that I don’t want to talk about this & that he doesn’t have to see me tonight, when he says “I do wanna see you. Cum see me tonight. I’ll just please you. Give you a hug instead?” OMG. “No, I’ll burst into tears, don’t hug me.” He says “Shit, has stuff really upset you that much? I’m so sorry #IBD4U. argh. Never intended to hurt you. Stay positive… You won’t be alone forever” OMG! Why am I still chatting to him when he says this stuff? Fucking asshat.

He even says to me as I’m boarding the ferry about 3:30 pm, that he’ll let me go & will talk to me later. That just pisses me off even more. I hate that he just logs off & then can go on with his life, while I stew on the fucking fight & the fact I am such a fucking fool. Even more foolish for wanting to still talk to him! The whole way home on the Ferry I am seething. I then have to drive past his place again to get home, hating that I look down the side street to see if his car is around. I assume he’s not going to message me later than night when he is at the gym. I don’t know when we will talk again. I am fuming & upset. I don’t think I have ever been more indirectly hurt by something Noodle has said to me. He doesn’t even understand & I can’t explain it to him.

To my surprise, at 10:30 pm, he messages to ask if I still want to see him tonight. I want to say no, I desperately don’t want to reply. Just pretend I’m offline. I want to stay at home, already in bed… But like the junkie that I am (there is no better word for me right now! I love my reader for giving me that!), I want his arms around me, his reassuring arms around me… So, I get up & head to the gym near his house. As I get there, I reverse in & he gets in the front seat of my car & I think, not this old chestnut, he’s going to have to go, she’s having the baby & I get even more angry… We’ve had a fucked day, he’s not talked to me most of the afternoon, even though I know he could have which pisses me off, but I know he was trying to give me space, but that just left me alone with my own thoughts & made it twice as bad as it was & now he has to go because he’s getting in the front seat. I ask him what he is doing, why he’s in the front seat & he just says I don’t know, he said he wasn’t sure what I wanted. I want his cock inside me. I don’t want to talk to him, I want to connect the way we know how. The only way we really do. Are we just sex to each other? Is this really love? Is this what love it? Because if it is, I’m not sure I want it!

We get out of the car & get in the back. We fuck, me riding him & it’s hot but I am distant, I am feeling like this is the end! I have to fucking end it. I am getting hurt too often to keep this fucking thing going, when that song of his comes on. FUCK! Periscope comes on my Spotify mix & it’s playing as we fuck. He doesn’t say anything & neither do I, I don’t know if he notices, I’m 100% sure he does as he comments on my music choices a lot sometimes, asking what I’m listening too or telling me it’s a good mix. We kiss, a lot during the song, it’s like I want to connect with him while it’s on & so does he, I can feel the distance between us disintegrate & we are really one human being right now. FUUUUUCCCCK!

#IBD4U

What The Fuck Is There To Do In Adelaide?

I refuse to believe that there is nothing to do in my little “country” city of Adelaide. With approx 1.3 million people living in this city, I am in disbelief that pretty much all my dates I been on, have been:

  • A drink at a pub
  • A coffee date
  • Dinner & a movie
  • Netflix & chill

I think this is lame as fuck for Adelaide & me. Surely there is more to do, something fun, something exciting that also shows my fun side. Remember my friend telling me to show my fun side way back in the first blog Pilot?!

This blog came about because I dated a guy who’s favourtie thing was playing mini golf – it was even on his profile when we met, so one night I booked us in for a game of mini golf at Holey Moley, where we ended up playing both courses. Because of his reaction about how excited he was to go before we got there & afterwards him telling me how much fun he had, talking about it days later, that we should do more fun stuff, that I started to think, what the fuck is there to do in Adelaide?

When I posed this question to myself, I was spending the next day driving to Port Pirie with a colleague so I said to her that we need to think of “fun dates” in Adelaide. So this list isn’t just complied solely by me, she had a few ideas & was also able to google as I drove but of course the blog is written by me.

Our list included all the usual things listed above, mainly revolving around food, but when I explained it was for an out of towner, who is a fussy eater (no cheese) who’s on a strict diet so doesn’t drink a lot of alcohol, but is adventurous, that we need to come up with fun things, not just dinner or drinks. However we are also restricted to a weeknight date! WOW, this sounds really hard! I wanted fun ideas like the mini golf & so this is what we came up with!052816 (2)

I’ll write a brief explanation for you too – so you can find it in your state if it’s not called the same thing where you are.

  • Holey Moley – Indoor mini golf. (https://www.holeymoley.com.au/)
  • Intensity – Arcade video games, air hockey, car racing simulators etc. (https://intencity.com.au/
  • Bowling – 10 pin bowling in gross shoes.
  • Winery Tasting – Find a winery with food & make a day of it, I love a sunny winters day & some wine tasting. Even do a brewery tour if wine isn’t your thing.
  • Adventure Rooms – Aka Escape rooms, using clues to get out of the locked room. (https://adventurerooms.com.au/)
  • Ice Skating – Find an outdoor rink, usually pop ups in Glenelg or the city.
  • Aquatic Centre – I thought this was weird (mainly cos I was worried about them seeing me in bathers, when my colleague said that she assumes he’s already seen me naked & this is something fun she does with her partner sometimes for a swim, sauna or spa.
  • Sporting Event – Football, motor sport, cricket or tennis. Amateur or professional, just get amongst the atmosphere.
  • Beach House – Used to be Magic Mountain, the waterslides, dodgem cars, mini golf, arcade games. (https://thebeachouse.com.au/)
  • Laser Tag – I did it for the first time a little while ago with work people, so was so much fun, in a group, not sure how it’d go on a date with only 2 of you.
  • Tree Climb – Adelaide has a tree climb which I’ve done with my gym friends, it was so much fun. (https://treeclimb.com.au/)
  • Bounce – Trampoline arena, pretty much a warehouse full of trampolines. (https://www.bounceinc.com.au/)
  • La Sing – A karaoke bar in the city, but probably any would be fun. (http://lasing.com.au/)
  • 8 Ball – I have a pool table in my lounge room, that we all know too well… I have sex on it more than I play pool on it. So, going out to play pool might be a better idea!
  • Trivia Night – Often at pubs, go join in with randoms or make your own team.
  • Mega Adventure – A giant obstacle course, must not be scared of heights. (https://megaadventure.com.au/)
  • Comedy Show – I’ve seen a comedian target a couple on a first date or a couple very early in their relationship, so be careful about where you sit. (https://www.adelaidecomedy.com/)
  • Paint ball – I’ve never played but think this could be fun too, even inflict a bit of pain!
  • Go Cart Racing – Careful with this as guys can get a bit too competitive.
  • Latitude – It has everything, indoor rock climbing, trampolines & am obstacle course thing. (https://latitudeair.com/)
  • Lawn Bowls – I’ve done this is big groups, but I’m sure you can do it in smaller groups too.
  • Concerts – Any concert will do.
  • Mount Lofty Hike – Any hike would be fun, even a beach walk would suffice.
  • Moonlight Cinema – cinema in summer in the park. Take wine & cheese for a fun mosquito bitten night.
  • Kayaking – You can hire kayaks so you don’t need to own them, but it’s something I love, however not been a good idea for a first date!
  • Garden of Unearthly delights – When the fringe is on, it’s an amazing place for food, drinks & a random show.
  • Day trip – Hahndorf, Victor Harbor, Whispering Wall or Gumeracha

So I think we did pretty well with the list. I never want to be a boring girlfriend & I think that this will help that along the way. Some of these things are very adventurous & I guess you might need a relatively higher level of fitness & possibly trust that the guy you’re dating isn’t just going to race ahead & not help you if you get stuck on an obstacle. Hahaha. However this also could be a good way to tell if they’re a keeper or not.

Have you got any other ideas?

#IBD4U

Noodle #41

Max is still hanging around & even posting things about me on the anonymous app. I’m pretty sure that Noodle is jealous of this because he acts like a complete child & posts back. Max writes that he’s missing me with a picture of a whip, I mean he had his chance with me & blew it. Noodle writes asking if anyone has met me off there as I’m wild in bed. Later Max posts again saying “Oh the things I would do to you if you messaged me” like really, this pissing contest on the anonymous app that we all know we use, is just fucking tiring. Noodle knows I love him, I’m pretty sure Max knows I love Noodle because Sweetie knows now, I had to tell someone.

Noodle asks why I haven’t told my best friend & I explain to him that she was cheated on & when I tried to talk to her about it in the beginning she got very upset with me. So I just lied & said I wasn’t seeing anyone special & never talked to her about it again.

I also went to my bosses wedding & fucking hell I wanted Noodle by my side – I hated being there, in love with someone who couldn’t come because no one knows about them. There was a blatant set up happening & Noodle just doesn’t get why it was so hard for me to reject this perfectly nice guy. “What am I gonna say, I’m in love with a married guy whose wife is days away from giving birth to their second child?!” What would I even say to these people, no one knows I’m even seeing someone! I have kept this one so quiet, which is unlike me, I usually tell everyone my whole life story (Hard to believe that huh! Hahaha) I just tell him that I’ve told basically no one about him because it also allows me to believe the fantasy that we we’ll one day have a life together. If I tell people about him they will tell me what an idiot I am, that he won’t leave his wife & that I need to move on, all things I know but it’s more realistic when it comes from someone else… “How cute you want me to go to your bosses wedding with you” Fuck off, as if I didn’t… “I want to guy I love to go to lots of places with me… that was just an example.” As if he doesn’t think I want him to go to things with me! I am desperate for him to attend events & functions with me. -If you didn’t notice, we also evolved from the love heart love thing. We now say love a bit more. Still not said I love you again but we can at least say the word. “Hahaha, Kinda nice of you to think of me that way tho” I scoff. “You don’t think of me that way cos you’ve already got someone to go to weddings with you. So you don’t get it” He won’t understand how this feels for me, I mean I am always alone thinking of him, while he says he thinks about me when he’s not with me or chatting to me, he’s still got someone to spend time with. “Ummm… I wanted you to be at my side at my bros wedding… Thought about you a lot too… “ OMG! What the fuck… Did he? He avoids the conversation by saying goodnight with a cute emoji & calling me chicken wing. I say “Good night buttercup but this conversation isn’t over” I am not letting him out of that so easily.

Remember when I was in the Riverland, having just taken the morning after pill so I was crazy & Noodle has his brother’s wedding, I thought he was being nuts because his little brother was getting married to someone he didn’t like but now about 2 months later I find out that Noodle wanted me at his brothers wedding, by his side. He fought with his partner probably because she noticed he was being a weirdo, I noticed over texts so imagine what she got. I remember him being distant & not chatting to me, that I thought he was avoiding me. “Definitely wasn’t avoiding you. I really wanted to chat to you that night but you were busy. Made me heaps sad. Had a lot of emotional shit going on.” OMG, because I was out that night, he didn’t message me! He’s a fucking idiot! What is wrong with him!!! “Oh cos you won’t chat to me if you know I’m out… Even though you should & I’ll reply when I can” If only we messaged that weekend, would things be different? He actually tells me that he was ready to leave her that weekend, but I was out & then I was away & was part of the reason why he wanted the hug when I got back but by then it had all blown over with her & so while he wanted to see me, he knew he wasn’t going to leave her. OMG. I hate that I travel for work. I resent the fact that it has potentially ruined my chance of being with Noodle.

Stupid but that isn’t the reason why we aren’t together. I know that if I was there in Adelaide, things probably would be the same, but I can’t help but think what if. & I hate that… What if I was here & he was willing to leave her… Would she let him go so easily? I highly doubt it otherwise she would’ve ended it with him already. FUCK… I hate the what if crap. I hate it & I hate travelling for work! FUCKING HELL.

I am off work this week still, on Thursday Noodle is getting his hair cut at a barber near my house & close to his old work, which apparently can take up to 3 hours, as you can’t make an appointment & the barber is slow. But Noodle gets there early, gets his hair done & is messaging to come get him so we can go back to my place. He needs to be picked up as he can’t fake his location anymore, so he has to leave his phone & car at the barber.

I get stuck in some traffic & he asks when I am & if I’m coming, I can’t reply & as I’m about 6 seconds away I don’t bother, I read it but don’t respond. He then messages instantly saying ‘Please tell me you’re coming’. I have a cheesy grin when I pull up realising that he’s disappointed I might not be coming. I pull up & I see the relief on his face, he kisses me hello & I giggle at the fact that he was worried I wasn’t coming to get him!

I’m wearing a sexy new Honey Birdette purchase, but when we get back to my place he pushes me against my table, running his hand up my dress when he realises I’m wearing something possibly sexy underneath, he asks what I’m wearing while pulling my dress off over my head. I love watching his eyes pop out his head when he sees me in something I bought for him. It’s a hot day & he leaves it on, we fuck hot & heavy, it’s super warm & know my hair is frizzy but I ask him to video some, so in front of the mirror, I get on my knees while he videos me sucking his cock. He doesn’t cum, which is not usual for him to be honest. I drop him back to his car & he kisses me goodbye.

Noodle gets banned again on the chat app & I tell him that if his account is deleted again, that he must change his user name to Noodle Heart #IBD4U, he says what will people think, surprises me that he cares what people think “No I don’t. I love you & don’t care what anyone on here thinks” Jesus, he’s never said it like that before… I say that to him & he tries to back track however, I just laugh & secretly love the fact he does love me & is not willing to say it. However I kind of snap a lot now, I mean we’re having a great convo he’s saying “Your kinda cute & fun to be around tho” but I am in a mood “Just not enough… I know. Story if my life.” I am fucking stupid, I am angry all the time now. “OMG it’s not that. You know my reasons. I’d wife you in a heartbeat if I could.” FUCK what?! Does he mean that? Actually do you know what, this guy could wife me but he choosing not too… I’m still Miss Snappy McSnappyson & can’t help it. He tells me not to overthink things, but surely this guy knows I’m a fucking overthinker & he’s just told me essentially that he wants to marry me! He’s been saying he’ll let me walk away if I found someone else & that I should find someone else, that I get angry at him for saying that but he says “You think I’d just let you walk away? I’m in way too deep emotionally for that now” I don’t believe him, I think he wouldn’t fight for me. He doesn’t even fight for the woman he has. I don’t think this man is strong enough for me. I don’t think he’s strong enough for her. So why can’t I walk away, I could walk away & be happy with someone else, I’m sure… Everyone always says that I’m amazing, but why can’t I?

052816 (3).png

One night he actually comes back online & says that he doesn’t think she is going to bed anytime soon “She sleeps all day, she stays up late grrr… & I miss you… When she does like last night” I can’t help but swoon, but really, thinking about this, this is fucked! He says he loves me & logs off. Stupidly I am awake when he comes back online & we chat more. Why am I always available for this fucking idiot!?

I see him Monday night at his gym late at night, I have to stay awake to drive there at 11:00 pm. He’s off work being she’s got something wrong with her (I never really ask what, but some kind of pelvic pain & she can’t get dressed by herself – the image of him dressing her actually kills me.) & on bed rest & I am on some leave for study purposes, however all I seem to be doing is going to the gym & chatting to him! This night though, I wear my favorite green panties that he is going to take with him. This is something we’ve talked about, he wants to have a pair of my panties & I want him to have them… Look I won’t lie, in the back of my mind, I secretly want him to have them because I think that this will speed things up with his partner finding out & part of the reason why I wanted him to have them. I also can’t help but wonder if he wants to get caught? He’s too chicken to leave her, but if she leaves him, he can play the woe is me card?! I don’t know… But he takes them anyway, I watch him stuff them in his gym short pockets & it turns me on a lot to head home with no panties. It’s also hot as fuck when a few days later, when Noodle sends me a video, he’s using them to jerk off, cumming all over their carpet! FUCK that’s hot…

I don’t see him again until Friday again at 11:00 pm at the gym. I am making all the effort now. I mean he messages me when he can, of course, which is a lot less being they’re both home, however he tries as hard as he can. But I don’t think he thinks about what he is saying sometimes, because he compares my gut to his gut, which his is bigger but in a different way to me I guess. So I snap & ask him to tone down the honesty “Ahhh Sorry. I find you incredibly hot & beautiful. I’m not that fat… just my gut… Which means your not that fat!” hahaha, god he’s a fucking idiot sometimes! He knows that calling me beautiful gets me every time. He says “Do you not see my eyes when I see you in some sexy ass lingerie. Only one word to describe you. Beautiful” OH FUCK.

On Sunday during the day he says his partner is asleep & I suggest that he download an app that controls my vibrator, he does & we have some virtual play, we can chat & watch on video as he controls it. It’s actually a lot of fun! But of course, half way though the session, yes I’d already cum, but he disappears & I lay there waiting for ages for him to come back online. This reminds me of Rob Rob & how when he’s done he just logs off & disappears. However when he comes back online he says that his son was hovering around & he had to log off. I mean I get it but fuck it’s annoying! Why am I doing this? Later that night I meet him at the gym, because my vagina is angry & in need of some hate sex. Which Noodle obliges as always, fucking me hard, pulling my hair, spanking my ass, fucking my ass & then cumming on my tits. OMG this drug is toxic… Just one more hit… Please!

#IBD4U

Noodle #40

Remember when Noodle & I were saying good night… & I said he lurvves bacon then he said doughnuts. Well he loves doughnuts too… OMG I missed it but was Noodle saying he loved me then?! (Wasn’t he?! Or am I reading into this? Hahaha…) Here’s the except from that blog for you to judge!

So tonight when Max is saying goodnight, Noodle says the same to me privately “Night angel muffin” & I laugh because terms of endearment do not come easily out of Noodles mouth. I say “Night baby cakes” & he replies “Night belly bacon” This is hilarious. “That’s a compliment coming from you cos you lurvvvve bacon” I know that one of Noodle’s favourite foods is bacon, I actually learn later than his favourite food is ribs. I am also careful not to say the word love here too… I say lurvvve instead… He says “Well I do. Night frosted doughnut” his other favourite food, something he does love!

OMG, I may be reading into things a bit much, but I feel like we bottled up our feelings for so long! But did he say that he loves me in a weird way?

While our messages are more lovey, I am acting nuts a lot. I mean he’s saying he’s in love with 2 women, I don’t believe that is true, I don’t think you can love 2 people in the same way. But it hurts me when he tells me that he loves her, he says that he’s not in love with her but she in the mother of his children. I guess I just try not to think about her so much & he’s my best friend with no one to talk to about me or her, so he talks to me. I don’t think he realises what he says sometimes he tells me that “Yeah obviously she finds me attractive & can be dirty. But yeah, no where near as dirty as you. & she does want me sexually, even if she’s not turned on… Last time I fucked her she thanked me… I mean WTF. Cos it made her feel wanted. You make me feel more attractive than she does tho.” What does he even need me for & I tell him that it makes sense why he’ll never leave her. I say that & he replies “Well I don’t. you know the reasons why & I’m never gonna bullshit them to you like most cheating guys do. Keep telling there mistress they will live there wife eventually & never do. As much as I want too…” The thing Noodle never understands, is that he does bullshit me… I mean saying ‘as much as I want too’ is clearly bullshit. If he wanted to leave her, he would! Those lines are designed to give me hope that he will leave her. He says that he never gives me false hope, but he does, every day! Even by telling me that he loves me, he has given me hope. Just not the type of direct hope that he’s talking about. It’s still gives me hope… & I stupidly wait around for a glimmer of this hope all the time, waiting for him to actually say that he’s left her & going to make a go of it with me. I mean lets face it, that’s never going to happen, I am doomed here. I know it. He knows it. Hell, even if his partner knew about me, she knows I’m doomed. However I still hang around like a lost puppy waiting for a scrap of his time.Noodle in love with 2 people.pngI try not to let this alter my chats with Noodle. I mean I am constantly thinking this shit but I am in a good mood, I mean I am finally in love! OMG, lets just even reflect on that for a second! It wasn’t a dream. A man I find incredibly sexy, funny, passionate & have the ultimate chemistry with, loves me. Little ol me! I will not die now having not been loved! My biggest fear, is now no longer. I know what love feels like, I can’t describe it, but I feel it. It embraces me in everything I do. I wake up thinking about Noodle, I sleep dreaming of Noodle, I go to bed wishing he was next to me. I constantly look at my phone for a message from him, I pine for the next time I am going to see me, till I feel him inside of me, fucking me & yes OMG. That was making love when we came together that day & every time we’ve done that since. We are in sync. I’m sure if we were around friends, we’d been sickening & finish each other’s sentences!

I’ve never been a smoker before, but I have struggled with food issues before, I suspect that giving up smoking is kind of like me trying to give up Noodle, I can hear smokers saying ‘just one more smoke, just one more puff then I’ll give up…’ Yep, I hear ya buddy… Just one more fuck. One more kiss… Then I’m done, I can walk away & find a love that I deserve! Yes just one more time… However as per Veronica Mars in the movie when helping Logan “You ever hear the one about the junkie who was satisfied with just one more taste of the good stuff…. Neither have I.” FUCK!

We become this weird hybrid of ourselves. We never say the word love, we use the love heart emoji to express that. I’m not sure if Noodle does it because that’s what I do or if he is also scared about saying that damn word to me again! He says “Noodle heart #IBD4U” & I reply “Awwww, #IBD4U does heart Noodle too!”  I am smiling like a tool when he says “Totally lame” I reply “You are grinning”  because I know he is & I am too, He says that he is & I smile even more!

The first time I did the love heart thing, he did say “Oh dear god, we’re doing this now?’  & when I says yes, he does it back every time. & even sometimes he initiates it, so I know he loves it, thinks it’s cute & is happy that I am so into him. As we’re chatting I tell him not to worry “Don’t worry, dirty, sexy, kinky #IBD4U is still there, just with a little cuteness too.. that might make you want to vomit, but that’s ok” & before he reads it, he leaves every group, as if en masse, his chat app is shut down. My heart goes into a panic. What has happened? I am at work, I know he’s not at work – I’m pretty sure she’s in bed asleep or he wouldn’t be chatting to me, he couldn’t have been found out in that short space of time & deleted his chat app so suddenly? What the fuck is going on? Does she know? Did she see my picture? I think I still have his cum on my face in the profile picture, however I do look pretty cute… But fuck then she knows what I look like. No I need to calm down, he wouldn’t delete his chat app that suddenly if she found out. It’s actually hard to delete your account on the app, you have to go to the website first. Surely he hasn’t been caught & told to delete it & he did… It happened to suddenly. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! People start asking me questions, as if I know… I am freaking out more than anyone! WTF… It’s weird it was every group all at the same time, that doesn’t happen to people. OMG. I don’t have any other way to contact him. He did give me his number ages ago, but I don’t want to message his phone in case she has found out about me. As I start to write him an email, hoping that he’ll check his cheating email account soon & give me some answers, I get a request on the chat app from another Noodle. OMG what the hell happened!? He tells me that his account was deleted by the chat app people because of all the douchy shit he has been doing with another guy in a group, who was apparently convicted of being a kiddy fiddler. Noodle was always against this (as everyone should be) but they had such rivalry. It was stupid to be honest. Just so dumb, but Noodle kept getting bans on his chat account, so many times that they just deleted his account. FUCKING HELL that was a bad 10 minutes! OMG the crazy thoughts that went through my mind in such a short space of time is insane!

The following Saturday night we arrange to meet at his gym for our regular car sex, sometimes he gyms before or after but he usually says that our sex is enough of a workout for him. I pull up, reverse in so that we’re hidden in the back seat when we jump in there. But as I go to get out of the car I notice he’s getting in the front seat. He kisses me hello & runs his hands over any part of me he can reach, I ask why he’s gotten into the front seat, he kisses me again not answering. FUCK – what is happening please?!

He says he has to go, his partner just called & he has to take her to the hospital. I ask if she’s having the baby but he says no, she’s having some pain. I kiss him quickly & tell him he has to go. He keeps touching me saying how sorry he is, I keep saying its ok (even though I have just driven 30 minutes to see him for 15 seconds at 10:00 pm.) But he keeps trying to finger me, says he wants to get me off before he goes & how sorry he is, but I push him off telling him he needs to go. He’s with me a lot longer than he should be, he genuinely looks devastated that he has to go. But I guess he’s also worried that I’ll be bitchy to him, he can’t help this… It sucks but it’s not his fault.

I drive away feeling so shit. Like an actual fucking idiot loser! It’s no one’s fault but my own. I am involved with a guy who has a pregnant partner, I should expect this kind of stuff to happen. To be honest, I’m surprised she hasn’t ruined more of our times together. I say goodnight to him & he messages me sorry on the way home. I say that I’ll go to bed when I get home & that I’ll chat to him tomorrow. I’m not trying to make him feel bad, I am just trying to protect myself a little here. This is a fucked up situation. I want to cry but I can’t. I’ll be surprised if I get any sleep tonight. Somehow I do sleep…

I hear a noise in the night, or is it morning? I roll over & snuggle back down, but I hear it louder, like someone is coming in my front door. I hear birds chirping but it’s still darkish outside, I smell Noodle as he slips into my bed naked & I startle awake asking him what day it is? What time is it? It’s Sunday morning at 6:00 am, he tells me his partner is home & she thinks he’s at the gym, he left his phone there while he snuck to my house to see me. Noodle never surprises me like this, it’s always pre-planned, but I roll into him & we have hot passionate sex (as always!) before he has to go. OMG, I am so in love with him. As if he risked it that much for me.

I see him the next night for an hour at the gym, we have sex in the car again – it’s always hot. The following Tuesday, is the 4th day in a row we’ve seen each other, noodle is again on holidays because his partner is in pain, so I meet him at the gym instead, I am on holidays too so I went to my usual gym that morning, but I have been dying to workout with him since I joined the same gym as him, so I say that I’ll meet him in the gym this time. We have talked about having a shower together at the gym & maybe some rimming but I’m still not sure. I get to the gym & he’s on the treadmill, I walk up to him & he gets off it, gives me a kiss hello. There is only 1 or 2 people in the gym. He makes me get on a treadmill to warm up, but I get on the cross trainer as I hate the treadmill, he gets back on his treadmill & we sort of chat as we workout next to each other, I kind of just want to rip his shirt & pants off & fuck him on the equipment. I restrain myself & we do some weights together, where he says I whinge a lot (yes I hate working out & do whinge when I am with other people) but I say later that I was doing the damsel in distress hoping he’d help me & touch me, however he says he feels like a gym noob, I haven’t been going to a gym for years, I go to classes so they don’t have a lot of the same equipment & I have no idea what I’m doing as well. We work out for an hour, I’ve already worked out that day & also just want to fuck him, so I’m also aware that we’re getting to a point where he’ll have to go soon, so I say let’s go. We stand at the cars & kiss waiting for the other to say let’s fuck, I forget which one said it but we’re in the back of my car naked pretty quickly. This is where I want to be. I love fucking him & we’re both sweaty & hot, ready for each other… Is there ever going to be a time when I don’t want this mans cock inside me?

#IBD4U

 

Noodle #39

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FACTUAL. FUCKING. FUCK!

I look at the L word for what seems like eternity. I stop in my tracks at work, still, just staring at it. No man has ever said or written the L word to me before in that context. EVER. I never expected that Noodle would ever say that to me, he acts like such a douche all the time in groups, of course I see a different side, but given our situation, I never thought he’d be the one to let his guard down even if he did feel it. I never thought he’d say it. FUCK. I’m 36 & no one has ever loved me. Is it possible that I am loveable?

A million replies go through my head in the seconds that pass. This is stupid, so reckless & it’s going to end in tears… My tears! I’ve been telling myself that for months, but this is a turning point – this has to be a turning point. My head is screaming in a high pitched weird voice that I’ve never heard before “End it IBD4U, end it now” but my heart… My heart… My fucking heart somehow controls my fingers as I type out my reply I’m in love with you too.”

FUCK.

To be honest, there is no other response that I want to say… I’ve been denying it, I have been avoiding it. I have been lying to myself… He reads it instantly & says “Well that’s even more fucked” I burst out laughing. Yep, that’s our relationship for you! Fucking hell, what are we doing?! He says he wasn’t expecting the L word back from me & I say that I don’t even believe that I have said it myself. I mean only a few months before he had to tell me that I had feelings for him & that we are best friends. I always deny my feelings. I wonder if he was hoping I’d say I loved him then? Or did he want to say it to me? But I kept saying that I didn’t have feelings for him & shutting it down. Looking back, he was probing me to say something more than just friends…

Fucking hell, that song! That song was bloody right! I do love him. I really do. I’m fucked. This is fucked. Ironically he tells me that he realised he was in love with me a little while ago while listening to a song too. WHAT? Fucking hell, that’s a sign!

So I ask him what the song is for him, he tells me is a song called ‘Periscope’ by Papa Roach. Immediately I find it on Spotify, hit repeat & learn all the words & all I want to do is hug him – the lyrics hit home again about the fact I’m going to be so broken when this is over. It’s a subtle message for me to walk away from him. But I want his strong loving arms around me. FUCK. I fucking love him.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – just for those who want to listen, but again it’s important you at least read the lyrics.

I want to feel your wreckage, it’s a firestorm
I’m falling like a loaded weapon in your arms
Paranoid it might be reckless, no matter what I say
It’s only going to steal your breath and slip away

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
You don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Cause you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

You wear your heart so fearless, it’s like it doesn’t beat
You push away my demons when they torture me
Don’t think that I can fight this pressure pulling me underneath
It’s like I’ve got the whole world tied around my feet

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
You don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Because you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope
Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
But you don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Because you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope

Songwriters: Colin Brittain Cunningham / Holly B. Hafermann / Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Nicholas Michael Furlong / Tobin Joseph Esperance
Periscope lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Downtown Music Publishing

The song was released about 4 months before he actually said the L word. I’ll probably never know when he actually listened to the song with me in mind. If he’d been listening for ages then suddenly realised or if he heard it once & thought of me. I mean like I said earlier, he was probing me to say something more than friends a few months ago, so I’m assuming that he realised before me.

I probably have been in love him a lot longer than I will ever admit to him – reading back on my blog posts, it’s evident, but I was living in denial… I am going to get so hurt, his partner is already on maternity leave, less than a month to go before they have another kid together & here I am confessing my love for him. I am the worst kind of human!

Weirdly this same day, all the guys in the chat app groups are talking about guns in the private group we have & Noodle posts a photo of his hand, holding a gun. I am not sure why I never even ask him about it, but I just assume that it’s a toy of his son’s, however it looks pretty real… Why don’t I ask more questions?

Remember Port Lincoln, the guy I hooked up with when I was over there, he is also back, but not enough to get another post, he has been texting me being he is moving back to Adelaide for a few weeks before going to live overseas. He asks to see me multiple times, but I tell him that I am seeing someone, that I have just realised I have feelings for, however, he tells me that “What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him” I almost laugh out loud. I mean not only have I fucked & kissed 2 guys since seeing Noodle but I am also the other woman doing this to someone else… I mean the irony is not lost on me. However, I guess with Max & Port Lincoln both messaging me to see me, just reminds me how much I don’t want to text with anyone else but Noodle…

I see Noodle, for the first time post the L word on the following Tuesday morning for only 30 minutes before work at my house, it’s early in the morning so we don’t even have time to think about what we want to say. Our sex is hot & steamy but neither of us mention what we said yesterday. I see him again the following Saturday night late when I go meet him at his gym for sex in the carpark. We never speak of the L word in person – it’s like an elephant in the room though, I want to say something, I’m not sure what he wants to do, but he doesn’t say it in real life to me, I think that would be too much if he did anyway. I kind of hope that he doesn’t, I don’t know if I can say it to his face, it makes it too real!

Even though we’ve messaged “I heart you” with the emoji heart every night (because I haven’t been able to say the L word again, so I use the heart emoji) When he writes back “Heart you” I tell him “OMG… that just made my tummy jump” & he asks what I mean. All I send back is a butterfly emoji & he gets it… This ‘heart you’ thing is keeping me really guarded – I have to be, right? I am going to be shattered when this ends. He’s said he’s not going to leave her, they have another baby on the way – I have to keep telling myself this, I have to distance myself from this! But that was all before he said he loves me… Has that changed things for him? How the fuck do I walk away from the first person I’ve ever loved, while still in love with them?? It’s a perfect time too, I mean he’ll pull away once the baby comes & University is starting for me, I will be super busy with studying plus working a full on full time job & going to the gym 3-4 times a week, this is the perfect time to end this fucking ridiculous relationship… But a reader said to me the other day as a perfect description, she’s had the same type of chemistry before, it’s like a drug she couldn’t give up… Well fuck, if that isn’t true for me, then I don’t know what is! I constantly think about giving him up, but I can’t quite seem to cut the ties…

Our next Tuesday night together, I want to remind him that I’m still the kinky woman, that I always was because our chats seem to be more lovely dovey, with hearts & xxx, he needs a reminder. We’ve fucked at the train station once before, but just in the carpark. This time I am planning something different. I make sure that I have scissors in the car. It is a warm night, I wear a short summer dress, we fuck in the car as usual when we get to the train station, it is hot & steamy – sexy, passionate

I cum multiple times riding Noodle as I always do, then I tell him that I want him to use the cable ties that we bought together a few weeks ago but still haven’t used them, I also tell him that I brought scissors. I want him to bend me over the bonnet of car while my hands are tied behind my back. We get out of the car, I feel self-conscious but I know I need to act confident. I get out the car & before he ties my hands he pulls me down to suck his cock while he’s still sitting in the passenger seat. I love when he gets all dominant & rough, shoving his cock down my throat. I don’t need to be confident because he is in charge of me – he knows what we both want & he makes it happen! He pushes me off him & handles me roughly so I’m bent over the bonnet of the car, it’s about 8:00 pm so it’s still light outside in February.

As he’s tying my hands I can feel myself getting turned on & wet, I’m whimpering in anticipation, he asks me if I like that & I nod saying a breathy yes, he chuckles in my ear that he can tell – that sexy chuckle… FUCK, if that wasn’t enough to make me wet, I don’t know what other sound could do that! It kind of frightens me a little, being so restrained – unable to even squirm without them digging into my skin & hurting me – but it also feels so good. A weird awesome pain… I do trust him, but it does cross my mind that this is also his first time with cable ties too. Something could go wrong, however, I don’t have time to think these thoughts as he pulls my panties down to my knees, lifts my skirt up, smacks my ass several times, so fucking hard, I think it’s the hardest he’s ever hit me before, I’m whimpering more, so turned on, so wet & I love the sound we both make as he slides into me from behind, he fucks me hard against the car then he pulls my pony tail, tight & hard, I wince at the pain of the angle I am now on but he knows I love it & he loves being rough with me, pulling me almost right against his chest to make me turn to kiss him. He fucks me so hard that I cum again twice before he does. Jesus Christ… Did the L word intensify our fuck sessions?!

After we head back to his work, I pull up at his car & every week I actually hope like fuck, that he doesn’t say goodbye, that he jumps out, gets his phone, checks it then gets back in my car to chat. Which he does… I love this time with him. I love it more than anything, it’s my uninterrupted time with him where we talk about everything – neither of us playing with our phones or trying to fuck each other. But this is the first time since the L word that we’ve had a Tuesday night chat session. I kind of wish I could tell him how much this time means to me. Why can’t I tell him? We’ve got the sex part down pat & chatting online, but this is what I want. The ability to talk to my best friend in real life, without wondering if he is chatting to someone else or if his partner has gotten out of bed when he disappears online. I get him on a Tuesday night, albeit for a short time, but I get him all to myself.

#IBD4U