October 2025 – Emergency
20 October 2025 – I’m still deleting our chat on snapchat – so I can stop being accused of having records, like he thinks that I sit down every night & read them, study them to use against him or something… Generally, if I am reminding him of something he said to me, it’s because it’s in my memory, not because I keep our chat. I used our chat for the blog, not to call him out on stuff, I am not re-reading our conversations over & over again. He was not supposed to find or know about the blog, so these are my thoughts, not me having a go at him directly, because he was not ever supposed to read this! So anyway I have been un-saving the chat & it’s taking ages, mainly because I keep reading instead of un-saving… I don’t read it all but certain messages stand out to me from him like “I’m so glad you’re my girlfriend, we can make this work” or “Happy anniversary, I’m glad I met you” or “I wish I could cook you dinner. I would so look after you & make you eat healthy” or “I missed this so much” or “But you have entered my thoughts and I dream of things or fantasise about things more than I let on or will care to admit” & the piece of resistance, “saving all our stuff. Pretty fuckin adorable rewlly”. & when he said shit like that to me, about his fantasies, I allow my fantasies of living with him run wild… But now it’s all gone. I’ve deleted everything. The last none years of records, all gone. Noodle, Silverlining, Marvel & Phoenix, even Obsidian only exist in this blog & our memories. Everything I had saved, is gone, deleted… Never to be retrieved. All the photos, videos, chats, screenshots, everything, even our emails I’ve deleted from my sent & deleted box. Even our two photos of our faces, on our walks are gone. He doesn’t have them or care that he doesn’t, so why have I been saving all this shit? To be perfectly honest, I am more sad about deleting all the chats, pictures, screenshots & videos than I am about losing him because, I never really had him, but I had the messages & pictures to remind me that what I felt was real, even if it was just a game for him. That was all I had to show for our relationship until he brought me the bracelet (which now just sits there in its box, taunting me) but I had evidence that this was real & not something I made up in my head. I throw away the geocaching stamps & the pair of panties with his face on them & the pair with his name in diamonte gems that I never wore, that I had made as a joke, they’re in the bin. He just laughed at them anyway, so didn’t make me feel great anyway… So they’re in the bin. Gone. I throw away the school girl outfit & the police outfit that I also never wore. Fuck that was hard throwing it all away. But again, he has nothing of our relationship, he’s not sentimental about it, he doesn’t even care that he’s losing me, let alone keeping a picture of us, so why should I care? He is now like Jack on the Titanic, he exists now only in my memory.
The shit this man said to me this time… Why did he start this? I get he said he missed me but he then pulled away, so does that mean he no longer misses me so he can discard me, knowing I will be there when he is bored again? I wish I could understand why he fucking did this, we were going so well… Why did he destroy it, telling me we could make this work to then not put in the slightest bit of effort anymore, blaming me for my attitude when it’s actually me reacting to his disrespect… The question will haunt me forever because he won’t give me answers – why the fuck did he do this?!
But you know what I discovered while un-saving & deleting… Which I think I did add to previous posts now – Obsidian claims that now he’s busy at work because the other store closed, which I’ve told you before closed in March. He’s recently started painting because he has money to do it. But in a dick pic he sent me back in March this year, he has paint on his hands, so as much as I don’t like being this type of over analysing woman, I am reminded of what a fucking manipulator he is. Let’s also not forget that he was also posting heaps on his Facebook page back then, saying how long it took him to write posts & trying to think of things to post that other pages hadn’t posted & then writing the post. He reminds me that he is an influencer & this is now part of his job – yet he refuses to branch out to a podcast or other platforms because they aren’t making him money immediately. He’s had this page for years, longer than he’s known me & it’s only just started being monetised. This attitude from him – that he won’t do it unless it makes him money right now, fucks me off to be honest & surprises me about him, but I suspect his wife has probably said something about him podcasting or blogging – the two things that he was getting off the ground & building some traction on – I even had written a blog post for him on Cheezels & he never used it – fucking prick! But anyway, recently he boasted constantly to me that AI writes all his posts for him now, & he says that he doesn’t do as many posts because of the algorithm. Um, ok, so you’re doing less work on your page but yet twice as busy as you were?! Rightio then!
This also reminds me that when he recorded the podcast or had a meeting with the chick he was going to do it with, he was at home with the kids & went into a cupboard to record it. Why didn’t he use the podcast as an excuse to call me? Why didn’t he fake something to be able to see me easier?! He has had so many opportunities to make up some fake friendship or thing with his page to use that to see me, but he never did. He had an opportunity during the first affair too, especially when he moved from store to store but any time it comes to me, he thinks it’s too obvious. But yet hiding in a cupboard chatting to some chick that he met through his facebook page isn’t suspicious at all!
He said he missed me, wanted to see me as much as he could, that before he started this dynamic of our relationship, he’d been setting his kids up to be independent, much to his wife’s reluctance, but he was doing it apparently so he could spend more time with me, even before he found my blog. They could be home from 6:00am to 4:00pm alone, all weekend if both of them were working. Yet every time Obsidian & I had a ‘day’ together – that he would plan, he would have to rush home to the kids & as this went further & further on, he gave me less time & used them as an excuse more & more to leave earlier & also why he couldn’t be online after school as much. I never want to come between him & the kids, so I never say anything about this to him but nothing fucked me off more than him saying he had to get home to the kids when he wouldn’t be home if he was working & it was fine for them to be there all day, alone. Being he has all night & every day with them, is giving me an extra hour or two when he sees me so sporadically, such a big deal & taking time away from his kids? I dunno. I don’t think so. I try not to dwell on this point because I do not want to be the reason his kids are alone. Not to mention, his kids are the reason he stayed with her apparently, although I still call bullshit on that because they got married.
Don’t forget that when he started this too, he was working out in the mornings. Wide awake & working out, making his breakfast that he’d send to me which is what started our snapchat streaks. He stopped working out, opting to message me more. But then the other day put his foot in his mouth by saying that now he’s not talking to me in the mornings, he can work out again… That doesn’t make you busy, that just makes you a fucking asshole.
So when he says he’s so busy, I ask you this, doing what? Because in March when he intensified this with me, the store that closed that had apparently made work so busy was already closed – therefore they were already busy in March, right?! He is now painting, but has been doing that since March so that hasn’t changed? & he was spending so much time on his Facebook page but now isn’t because AI is writing his posts & he posts less, so wouldn’t you have more time? His home duties haven’t changed, not like he has an extra kid to feed etc, his wife isn’t eating so in fact he has one less person to feed. Cleaning & mowing doesn’t change so that’s stagnate. But he tells me that he’s got all the cooking & cleaning to do – as he always has. His daughter needs constant temperature changes in the shower, but that was always the case, he only just started using that as an excuse… He told me that it’s not like he’s chatting in other apps & avoiding me or fucking his wife – which just makes me think that he is. So when someone says they’re busy when they actually have the same going on than they did, just fucking hurts.
The way he has let this end, hurts me more than anything else he could have done to me, slowly, slowly making me insignificant in his life. I believe that if his wife found out about us again & he chose her & his kids over me for the second time, it would’ve hurt less than this. At least if he picked them, I would understand why he chose them, but he is literally being so cruel & hurtful for no reason at all, besides to push me away… For the first time in almost nine years, I cannot justify his actions. That realisation is eye opening. I have always defended him, used his childhood trauma as the reason he’s so fucked up… His trauma is so niche that not many people would have been through ever, let alone as a child. But I can’t use the trauma as a reason anymore, especially since he never saw a therapist, even as a kid. It’s just an excuse I overused to rationalise why he treats me so poorly. But he treats me poorly because he has no intention or any real desire of being with me, so he dangles the carrot when he wants attention & pulls it away when he’s gets the attention from her or now LMA instead. He has literally fucking destroyed our relationship, our friendship, our connection, our love (if you can call what we had love), & it has destroyed me in the process.
Back in February, when he found my blog & realised how much he missed me & what we had, he could have just talked to me more & just added in a extra sex session, hung around a bit longer without changing the dynamic & verbalising it. I would have noticed but not that something was out of the ordinary, I would have just thought great I’m getting more messages & more sex. But he went out of his way to tell me that he missed chatting, missed me & wished he talked to me more over the last five years & was going to make more of an effort. He made me suspicious that I kept pressing for a reason as to why he was doing this. He didn’t have to take me on dates & make sure he was with me after surgery. He didn’t have to buy a bracelet & agree that he was my boyfriend… We literally could have just talked more & he could’ve hung out more when we caught up for sex, which would have given him his friend back. He was the one that would log off for weeks at a time back then, keeping the distance, I was always available. Why did he fucking start meeting me for lunch?? Why did he read the blog & think, I’m gonna just have one more chance at fucking her up for good this time… I just don’t get it.
In my haste of deleting everything, I deleted his phone number a while ago out of my phone – after having it there for almost eight years, is just uncanny that I want it now. He’s now been offline for an extra week, pissing me off even more… I had saved it in my ‘records’ but having deleted them all the only thing I could remember was an email, mainly cos it was his name@gmail.com. I have him on the chat app still but he doesn’t download that app daily – that I know of so he wouldn’t get the notification. I could send another Snapchat but he won’t get that either as he doesn’t have the app downloaded. As always, I am at his mercy of waiting for him to come back online. I was ok when I had the power & was offline for a couple of weeks but of course, he has to double down & not come back online for an additional week. So I send an email, on Monday 20 October at 3;44pm, a week after my snapchat message to him, when I know he could’ve come online some time during this week, so now it’s been three weeks since we last spoke. I have no other form of contact available with him, so I send, “While I knew you wouldn’t be online during the school holidays, I thought you’d come back online in the last week… So much for missing me & missing our friendship… Just so you know, while I was offline for those few days, a few weeks back, I had emergency surgery, I’m good though… Not that it matters to you… Obsidian always needs to be the most pissed off & the most stubborn!” He doesn’t reply or log on to snapchat that night even though it’s a Monday night & she’s at work, so I have no idea if I even have the right email address.
I haven’t told you about this surgery & I may have exaggerated this a little in my email becuase I am so hurt that he’s doubled down for an extra week offline – I have told you about the pain I’ve been having for a few months & that I had to have a internal ultrasound recently when they weren’t sure what was wrong. I had a blood test which determined it wasn’t appendicitis, so no rushing to emergency for an appendectomy. However there is something terribly wrong. I had been diagnosed with Adenomyosis which is like reverse Endometriosis & I needed a fairly urgent internal surgical procedure to assist with this pain – I didn’t really get it but it was like scraping out my uterus. It all happened quickly, so it was like it was emergency, I didn’t have time to think about it but it wasn’t entirely a life or death situation. I was only out for a short period of time & I was back at work a couple of days later, not really wanting to take time off in a new job. I just made it sound worse than it was because I am pissed off, because he always has to be the one who’s the most pissed off. I hate that I even told him, let alone emailed him about it… I wish I could take that email back & I wish I just let it die then & there… he’s a cunt, but I need my fucking key back & maybe if we catch up & see each other, things will be repaired.
I have also started therapy again & to my fucking infuriation, I am talking about Obsidian & the counsellor asks me “what do you love about him?” & I fucking burst into tears. What the actual fuck? She asks me lots of confronting questions but I only cry at this one. I guess because I have been saying all the horrible things I don’t like about him, she is wondering what I do love about him. No one understands what I get from him, most days I don’t understand what I get from him either. But I love our banter, chemistry – the chemistry that is raw, magnetic, animalistic & possessive, his sense of humour, the way he makes me feel so sexy & that I felt like (at one point, not now obviously) that I could say anything to him. His support & the things I can say to him have changed dramatically because I clearly can’t tell him how I feel & he gave me shit – not banter about the caravan, but those things would have been at the top of my list.
21 October 2025 – On Tuesday when I still haven’t seen him online, I just think I’ll message again but on what platform & what would I say. I mean even if I send a snapchat, when will he even open it to see it?! Who knows, yet I send something anyway, “I guess you’ve decided after reading my email, that I really don’t matter anymore… So much for missing me so much & wanting to make an effort, wanting me in your life… I no longer have your phone number, I’ve deleted all our ‘records’ off my computer, I’m deleting all our chats that I can delete – stuff you’ve saved remains & you’ll be free of me. I won’t bother you again.” I feel more relief for sending something but I also wonder what he would have said if I just sent the email or if I sent nothing & he came back online to read my catch-up message. After this he won’t have to worry about me, I won’t fight for him, I won’t ask for anything but my key back.
That day though, he comes back online, so I am annoyed at myself for sending another message, his response is so infuriating that my heart starts racing & I start shaking as I read it, “Sorry I was busy last week. I hope you are doing okay after your surgery ! I have thought about you numerous times over the last few weeks!.” But this tells me all I need to know. I shouldn’t have emailed, I shouldn’t have double texted. He’s busy, while busy it’s physically impossible to write a message to the woman you’ve been dragging into a relationship that you no longer want to be in, but don’t have the balls to end it. I have just told him I had emergency surgery & the first thing he says is that he was busy!! Tacking on that he hopes I’m okay… Are you actual joking right now? How about something like ‘fuck, are you okay? What happened?’ & line of being busy is just so insulting & unnecessary, it’s like he thinks it helps by saying it. He may as well stab me, because honestly, that would hurt less. Was this not the same man who said in March “…even when you fucked your shoulder or when you got fired, you did tell me when you were struggling…. and I should of been a better friend…..” When I dislocated my shoulder he wanted to be a better friend, he now finds out I had fucking emergency surgery & knows I’ve been in pain for weeks & all he can say is that he was busy, I literally have no words left.
Because I am so hurt & really sick of wishing that he’d use my keys, like he did in the beginning & dreaming up scenarios that he is using them or when I hear a noise thinking it’s him coming into to make things right, that I write, “I’ll come pick up the key on the weekend. Let me know what time.” I am done. This time, I’m actually done. A man that doesn’t even care I had emergency surgery – exaggerated or not, is just scum. He is literally dog shit on the bottom of my shoe at this point. Ironically there is still one petal hanging on the stem of the rose… He writes back, “Umm okay” to which I read & don’t reply. Of course, he doesn’t write & try to rectify the situation, he saves that for his wife!
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 