Month: Sep 2018

Milky

I met the Milky online, we chatted a bit then exchanged numbers, I kind of had a few guys lined up for the Saturday night that we penciled in so I didn’t end up texting him as I thought I was more interested in some of the others aka Someones Son – I know that sounds really bad but Milky was kind of a back up. However that bit me in the butt because I saw neither that night! We text a little about general crap before I invite him over to test out my new outdoor setting & have a strongbow but he says he’s really busy most of the weekend then “he will be tired when he is free”, (Like really?!) so I just respond for him to let me know when he is free, I have no desire to chase a guy that is ‘just not that into me.’

Milky initiates the texts over the following week, I don’t give too much away, keeping my guard up but he invites me over to his house for a drink on Saturday night. I’m feeling a nervous about going to a guys house (even though he’s now the second guy I’ve been to their house) & especially since we hadn’t actually text/chatted that much to begin with, but I rock up at his house & he is cuter in real life than his photos, he had a really nice smile & he actually ends up being quite funny, we have a few drinks but because I always feel awkward, I sit there thinking that I should go leave soon, being that it’s about 11pm & I don’t know the protocol is, that’s about when he slides over & kisses me!

He’s a good kisser & does everything right, he really seems to know what he’s doing, he spends a lot of time making me feel good, including using his own “massager” on me (which I think is weird being it’s the first time we’ve had sex – but I go with it & enjoy myself) & I end up with a huge hickey. The awkward human that I am, I end up getting up about 1 am, get dressed & go home.

The next day I get a quick text from him saying something like he had a good time, I respond hoping we can do it again sometime, he agreed & although we text a little, we don’t seem to catch up again. I finally say to him that I’m going away for work for 11 days but I have a little free time to see him before I go, he suggests to wait till I get back. I write him off again, assuming I’ll never hear from him again but to my surprise he just randomly text me while I’m away to see how I’m going & we arrange to meet up the weekend that I am back, which again I go to his house.

The next time we caught up, we talked again for ages, he moved into kiss me & we have really good sex again, but I walked away texting my friend that I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. A slight overreaction but he tried to go up my ass without any warning & he did hold my neck a bit, but once I moved his hand & said no, he didn’t try again. But he did do things I didn’t know I would like, he pulled my hair & we stood up to have sex, some things I’d never done before. Anyway I get up again & leave, really not knowing the appropriate amount of time to stay at a guys house after you have sex & a shower.

Another 3 weeks go by & another work trip before we arrange to catch up again, this time at my house, which I felt better about because then I didn’t have to be the one to leave. I was watching some murder mystery show so we watched that a bit but he kissed me & we had good sex again before we had a shower & he spooned me on the couch, which was about when I started getting a little attached, then we had sex again. He stayed till about 2:30 am & left my house. I text him the next day to say I didn’t realise it was so late when he left & he says he wasn’t sure if I wanted him to stay or not, I say you should’ve stayed, next time. Smiley Face! Uh Oh!

This is also about the time that I completely forget what we talked about online & I had deleted my account, so I can’t go back & read it & what each of us wanted, which would’ve helped me keep a ‘casual’ distance & not start overthinking. It’s also about this time that I realise my ‘wish’ list for a man is completely out the window. This guy is about the same height as me (5’3, he might be like 5’4), he’s never traveled overseas, he drives a ford & he now has no job. The only thing on my list is that he owns a house, he’s older than me & the sex is really good! (which I think rules out the whole list!)

We text a bit over the next few days & we work out that he’s going to pick me up from a BBQ at my friends house. Now all this to me isn’t a casual thing, he’s going to stay at my house, he’s picking me up from functions, all very coupley things to me. Stuff I haven’t done in a long time with a guy. We have this great banter all the time & I find myself starting to think about having the “what are we doing” talk & introducing him to my friends & family.

He ends up coming over my house 4 Saturday nights in a row, then its Christmas, he comes over before New Years on a Monday night when I am supremely hung over, I stay at his house the next week on a Tuesday & things have been pretty standard for us, a few texts a week back & forth during the week to set up the next night, sometimes we grab pizza but generally we watch some Netflix, drink (he mixes rose wine with vodka – a night where I get so drunk & fall off his bed!), we talk & we have sex, then we sleeps over & he spoons me before we go to sleep.

Milky

#IBD4U

PJ O’Brien’s

One night out with some friends, I was actually the only girl there with a Boyfriend. (This is going back, I’ve only ever really had the one boyfriend!) I was always (& still am!) the only single one around everyone in couples.

We went out with friends for drinks. I can’t remember if it was a birthday or just a fun night out. Well that’s what it was supposed to be!

We get to the bar PJ O’Brien’s (which I’m so happy doesn’t exist anymore because of this story!) it was an Irish pub with lots of booths & walls – hidden nooks & crannies. I was dancing with the girls while my boyfriend sat at the bar with our other friend. Us girls somehow ended up at a booth chatting to some other guys. I believe they knew some of my friends.

I am always more confident with men when I don’t care what they think of me, which I didn’t because I had a boyfriend. So I was more open with the guys chatting to us. One guy kept moving closer & I kept stepping back during the conversation but I didn’t think much of it.

As each friend lost interest in whatever the conversation was, they all walked away, the girls were on the dance floor & I realised I was backed into the corner of a booth area, with this guy leaning in, his arm up to block my way. I realised I was stuck & started to feel uneasy. So I said to the guy “I better get back to my friends, they must be looking for me” & kinda gave a laugh, pushing his arm down, but he wouldn’t move it, he stared into my eyes & said “No they’re not” that’s about when I started to panic.

Idea!! Play the boyfriend card! You actually have it this time, not just a lie you say to a dude to get them away from you. “I’ve got a boyfriend, I’m sure he’s looking for me” he smirked a creepy smile & said “No he’s not” & it worked. I actually believed him, they weren’t looking for me, no one knew I was in the corner with this creep, trying to get away.

But it also spured me on to get away from him, he was a creep & weird. I ran straight to the toilets & tried to calm down. I looked on the dance floor for my girl friends but couldn’t see them. I didn’t want that guy to find me but I had to walk past to get to my boyfriend.

052816

I walked up to my boyfriend & asked (possibly yelled hahaha) him why he didn’t come save me. We had a massive fight because I felt so let down. He ended up walking home from the city & not answering his phone, I got a taxi back to my parents house & then had to go fix it with him in the morning – not sure what I did wrong but man that was a shitty night out.

I should’ve broken up with my boyfriend then, but we actually went on to buy a house together a little whole later, the one I still live in & we talked kids. But ultimately, we were never going to work out, I don’t want someone who goes missing because I was upset I just got freaked out by a creep.

#IBD4U

Flaccid

If you follow my blog, you’ll know my Birthday story where I talk about the two types of drunk guy sex. I’ve never had a number one happen to me with a sober guy (well this guy drove to my house so I assume he was sober!)

I met Flaccid (poor guy what a horrible pseudonym) online & we chatted a fair bit online before we finally exchanged numbers, we text a little bit for a few days but then one weekend night we’re texting, I invite him over but he says he’s going to call me. We talk on the phone for about 40 minutes before he says he’ll come over. He tells me that he hasn’t done this type of thing before & he’s nervous.

He comes over & lays on my bed next to me, we have some small talk before he asks me ‘what I am going to do with him now that I have him here’ so I lean in & we kiss. As we start undressing each other, I reach over to my night stand for a condom & ask him to put it on, he obliges & we start having sex. It’s not the greatest sex ever but he starts kissing my neck, not in a ‘I’m giving you a hickey’ type of kissing but proper kissing up & down my neck while rhythmically pounding into me, I’m surprised that I’m about to climax without much assistance at all, which has been usual for me. But then he stops everything!

He sits up and takes of the condom saying he can’t stay hard. Great! that’s not something that a girl wants to hear, right when she was actually about to climax before you stopped. He stuffs around for ages but he never gets hard again. He ends up leaving shortly after, I think probably due to embarrassment.

Flaccid

He messages me next time I am on the app & asks if I want to catch up with him again, I say yes & explain how close I was & how unusual that was, he seems pretty pleased. He texts me a few times & calls really late at night one night but I didn’t get it till the morning as I was asleep.

#IBD4U

Someone’s Son

There comes a time in everyone’s life, especially in Adelaide when you start chatting to someone online & realise you know them or someone they know. I met this guy who I was chatting to for a while, things were going well, we were talking about meeting up for a drink, but something made me sign up to another online site that links to your Facebook account, it then shows you friends you have in common. We had a friend in common then I realised that it was his mum, I used to work with her. So when I messaged & asked him, he confirmed & it made me feel more at ease to meet him, because I had sort of met him a while ago at his mum’s wedding, but he’d just had a kid with his then partner. But knowing he wasn’t a complete psycho I think I was much more at ease to have him come over to my house.

I think though when he sends you two texts in a row, one agreeing to catch up & one that says “can you pick me up at ****” with a very quick “that was for my mum” you probably don’t think too much of the fact that he’s still seeing the mother of his child (aka ****), because they share custody, but you should wonder why he’s needing to be picked up from there. Red flags should be waving ferociously.

We arranged for him to come over to my house a couple of times, in the end this guy copied the same behavior of Catastrophe who took FOREVER to get to my house, He actually only lived about 10 minutes maximum from me if there was heavy traffic, he said he’d be an hour, then an hour went by, I text again, he said he’d be 30 mins, that 30 minutes went by, then he said he’d be 10 minutes, I just told him not to bother, it was late & when he said he had to drop of medicine to his son, which is why he was late, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to win back his ex girlfriend? He said he felt a bit shit about not catching up but he never made much of an effort since then anyway.

Someones son

I’m kind of glad it worked out that way, not that I won’t date someone with kids (I’d prefer if they have kids), but if they can’t even meet up with me because of the kids, there must be something that stops them. Sometimes things work out in a way you don’t get, until you get perspective & are able to look back.

I guess I also feel a bit stupid being that the same night I tried to also catch up with another guy but “he fell asleep” so I’m really not sure what is so wrong with me that I have more trouble doing this casual thing as I did actually dating!

#IBD4U

Serial Killer

When I was staying in the Riverland for work I was scrolling through some random profiles on a new website I was trialling & started chatting to this cute boy who only lived a few kms out of Berri where I was staying. We chat a little while & he invites me over.

I pluck up the courage as this is the first guys house I’ve ever been too while on this slutty quest & I’m hours away from anyone I know, I start wondering if this is a good idea as I get in the car & the sun is sinking low in the sky. I decide to just ‘get a grip’ & crank the music, but that was probably a mistake. I forget what the music was that was playing but it was kinda an eerie song, it was now pitch black, being that he was out in the country with no street lights, plus I almost hit 3 rabbits, a bird flew out in front of me in the darkness & then I saw a kangaroo. The GPS took me to his street, there were no street lights, no neighbours, vineyards on one side & I seriously looked like I was going to be murdered out here! I did a quick u-turn & put my foot down to go back to the comfort of the hotel.

Serial Killer

I messaged him on the app when I got back to the hotel & I was quite honest, he laughs & explains he does have neighbours & that I should come back. I suggest he comes to the hotel but he says he’s shy & doesn’t want to get kicked out. I don’t really get that but I say ok & agree that perhaps we could meet in the daylight the next day. I finish work at 5:00pm & want to go for a walk first but could be there about 6:00pm. He agrees.

Next day in the day light I start the trek again, we have discussed me going another way which includes me going over the ferry. It’s much easier & in the light of day I realise that his house isn’t as scary as I first thought. His house is brand new, he has neighbours right next to his house (probably closer than my neighbours at home) & he’s also waiting out the front for me to arrive as I was messaging him when I was on the ferry.

He’s really tall & better looking than his photos so I am pleasantly surprised. We go inside & his house is immaculate, not a thing out of place & everything looks completely brand new. He asks if I have eaten, which I haven’t so he cooks a store bought frozen pizza. Then his phone rings & of course I can only hear one side “oh really? Oh ok, I’ll be there in a minute” I figure that this is the ‘rescue call,’ mostly done by women, where you get a friend to call 30 minutes in to a date so that if it’s going bad you can bail. So he says to me, ‘I just have to go help my dad for a second, pick something on the TV’ I think WTF!

So there I am sitting in his lounge room, watching TV while he goes somewhere. I think this isn’t good. I start to think about horror movies & what might happen to me as I sit there trying to work out his complex remote control.

When he comes back, we watch TV, eat pizza & some lollies. I feel so awkward being this is the first guys house I’ve ever been too from a dating website & I feel like I should leave, I don’t want to overstay my welcome, I also can never tell if they are interested or not. At 9:30pm, at the door he says you don’t have to go, I say I better as I have to work tomorrow & he shakes my hand! Yes, he shook my hand to say goodbye. We talked a bit after that he wanted me to come back to the Riverland & added me on Facebook but I didn’t see it going anywhere. However he was a really nice guy & someone I reckon I could of been in a relationship with. Pity about the distance & chemisty.

#IBD4U

Security Guard

I start chatting to this guy on a new online app I’ve not used before. He seems to be a bit of a beef cake gym junkie looking guy & also has a black eye in his photo so I’m a bit cautious of him really, firstly I don’t think I would be his type & secondly I don’t think the beefed up gym junkie security guard is my type either.

We actually talk about just having a sex work out, so I invite him over knowing he has about an hours drive to get to my house but he wants a shower first, I tell him at 10:00pm to get in the shower & come over. At 10:45pm he says that he’s leaving his house, seriously 45 mins?! But he doesn’t arrive until 12:15am, I’m buggered, in my PJ’s & in bed.

So as I suspected, he wasn’t really my type, he was the same height as me at a measly 5’3 & was really bulky. He really reminded me of one of my friends boyfriends too, which didn’t help his case much, he talked & walked like him.

He came in & sat on the end of my bed & all he talked about was the gym, what he does at the gym, what he used to do at the gym & what I should do at the gym. The conversation was really one sided (although I’m not sure if it was because I know I am not interested so I’m not giving too much at all or if because he just has nothing else to say!)

At about 3:30am I tell him I’m getting tired & that he should go (kinda felt a little rude, but didn’t want to spend the night with this guy) yet he said he could stay, but I just said no it’s okay I’m just going to go to sleep. He text me at 4:45am to say he was home safe & how good it was to meet me & that he hopes that we can catch up again soon. I don’t reply even the next morning.

I had the next day off work so I went to the gym & was getting my outdoor setting delivered, so I set about my day, I got another text from him, trying not to be rude I text back short & sharp answers hoping that he’ll get my drift, but between 2:00pm & 5:00pm I have 3 missed calls, 2 texts & a message on the dating app. He apologises for texting me to much & asks what I thought of him, I think this is the time I have to be honest. So I said it was good to meet you but I just didn’t feel them chemistry between us, he said that it was just the first time & that if we hung out more then we might feel different, he didn’t want to make the wrong move last night.

He tries too hard to catch up with me again (& I feel so bad as it usually never happens that the guy is more interested in me than I am in him, it’s completely unnerving!) he asks me out on the Saturday, when I say no, he offers Sunday, then Monday when I again say I’m busy. I just try to ignore him, but I feel terrible. I tried the blunt route & he was still persistent, but I don’t think I can be rude & ignore him.

Security Guard

In the end, that’s what I do, I finally get rid of him, he gets the hint since I ignore message after message from him. I feel so rude & don’t want karma to come back & bite me in the ass but I have to ignore him, when I reply he writes more but he doesn’t listen when I say I am not interested.

UPDATE: I had tickets to an event at the nightclub he works at, I freaked out that I was going to see him the whole night & I did, he wasn’t working (unless he was a plain clothed security guard) but he didn’t see me (well not that I know of! I wonder if he did & ignored me?)

#IBD4U

Hockey Puck

During my phase of ‘I don’t want a boyfriend’ I stumble across this younger but cutish guy that I think is alright & might be good for yet another one night stand. However when we start texting & he asks me to tell him five facts about myself, I think start to think that this one might be different, we text facts back & forth all night, I stayed up late waiting for his responses that make me smile. When he text first thing the next day I grinned like a fool, texting all day even though I should have been doing work – these texts all day go on for about a week before we talk about catching up.Hockey Puck

We arrange to meet up at my house to watch Netflix, he comes over & sits on the couch not really seeming interested or looking at me, but makes me watch crime shows all night, as I walk him out & don’t get a kiss goodnight, I just assume that he’s not interested at all. Jumping into bed feeling another dating disaster story for my blog, when my phone flashes with a text, it’s him! He says something about how he had a good time & wanted to kiss me but didn’t know if he should, I said I was interested but didn’t know if he was. That’s when texts get dirty, we talk about all sorts, but not in a creepy way, I still feel like this guy was a good guy. He makes me skip the gym the following week & he comes over again, he kisses me this time & we have reasonably good sex (he remembers things I like in bed, like having my hands pinned above my head, which he did a few times) & then I cook him chicken nuggets. Romantic!

I didn’t realise that I had actually started liking this guy, even though he had nothing on my imaginary list for the perfect guy. He was younger than me, was living with his parents, was studying so not working & hadn’t travelled.  But when I get nothing from him the next day, I think I should send him a text first, show that I am interested in him, but I get one word answers back, so I just stop.

The next day still nothing from him & I start to question what I look like naked & how good I am in bed, that I just think I need to see if this is it with this guy, so at one last ditch attempt, I text him & ask what happened, he responds that he’s not looking for anything serious & doesn’t want to hurt me. I remind him that I’m the one who wanted something casual but I bid him goodbye.

On my way to a regional trip the next day he texts asking what I mean by ‘casual’ I explain that a bit more sex but a lot less texting. He continues to text me for a few days saying how much he wants me & complementary things he liked about my body or what we did together (so obviously not my looks or sexual abilities) so one afternoon as we’re texting, I get home from work & invite him over, suddenly he’s not feeling well & can’t come over. A few days later the same thing, I say come over but he’s still not feeling well. In the end I crack the shits at him when I was drunk when he was texting me so I tell him to fuck off.

Weeks later I start getting texts again from him, I wrote back to one but ignored the follow up message… so stay tuned, who knows what might happen!

UPDATE: He sent me a “hey how are you” text about 3 months later, I chose to ignore him completely! I’m sick of giving men second chances.

#IBD4U

Trolls

I don’t often write about people I never meet or people that I haven’t even given my phone number too but there is a type of person on every online dating app or website that always amuses me – the Online Dating Troll.

We all know the ‘Internet Troll’ who in forums or blogs will make obnoxious comments just to get a rise out of the readers, which usually include an angry response, perhaps some name calling, from you (don’t worry I have a comment policy to discourage negative comments!) but I think there is an online dating version!

If you’ve been online dating for a long period of time you’ll have met hundreds of these people, even if you’re only just starting out your online dating journey, you’re sure to come across one or two of these people. Depending on what you are looking for, they might be good for you but trust your instincts. If you get a bad vibe, like I did with Rimmer then shut it down, it may have been harmless, but better to be safe than sorry!

Online dating trolls are the type of guys (I’m sure there’s a female equivalent but I’ve never searched for women online) that within the first few minutes will probably ask you one or more of the following:

  • What are you looking for?
  • What are you wearing?
  • When was the last time you had sex?
  • How big are your tits?
  • Are you waxed?
  • How are you still single?

Pretty much all of these will prove he hasn’t looked at your profile if you’ve got ‘looking for a relationship’ in the looking for description. It’ll also tell you that they probably aren’t looking for anything serious at all, probably just “fun” (aka sex) or want to talk dirty to you over text or via the online chat.

“What are you looking for” is probably the dumbest question to ask, firstly, it’s right there in my profile & secondly it’s a dating site. So you write back that you’re looking for a relationship, a Troll is notorious for writing ‘same here’, but then minutes later will ask you if your waxed, how big your tits are or something equally troll like.

If you reply that you’re looking for fun & see where it goes or something casual, then it’s easy to get caught up in sexting, (which I just find completely hilarious & for me not much of a turn on with a random stranger) especially when they ask what you’d do to them if they were there or they start telling you what they would do to you. (& in my experience, they haven’t ever done what they said they were going too.) I’d rather let things happen organically, especially if it’s the first time you’re going to meet this person or the first time you’re going to have sex with them & they’ve built themselves up to be this amazing lover & then they can’t even fuck you for more than six minutes.

“When was the last time you had sex” has always baffled me, I don’t understand why they would want to know. What is the correct response? Do they want someone who hasn’t has sex in a while or someone who has so that they might be in with a chance? I really don’t know. I would interested to hear people’s theory’s on this one. I’ve asked a few guys & they just say they are curious, but there has to be more to it than curiosity.

Trolls

“What are you wearing” is also another one I always answer honestly, I’d say ‘jeans & a top’ or ‘pyjamas’ ‘Oooh, sexy pyjamas?’ No dude, I’m in my 30’s it’s winter, I sleep in a long sleeved top, singlet & shorts. Do they think we sit around in our sexy lingerie chatting online, no the purpose of online is so you can sit in your crappy oversized hoodie with unbrushed hair but to them you look amazing because you’ve picked your favourite picture of yourself, so let them visualise that on a sexy nighty.

“How are you still single” is just fucking offensive, if I knew that dip shit I wouldn’t be here writing this blog would I? Probably the funniest part about that question is that it’s not even a guy that will ever ask you out or really make an effort with you, so why say it?

Another type of troll is the married man or relationship man. It doesn’t matter if he tells you that his wife knows & is ok with it, I say bullshit! My philosophy is not to accept people with this type of talk in their profile, even while I was doing the casual thing. I hate when you accept a guy then he tells you he’s got a girlfriend who knows what he’s doing, blah blah blah, but hasn’t written on his profile. Jerk!

Anyway the point of this post, is I probably have about 5 of these trolls talking to me at any given time when online, they’ll generally never ask you about work or how was your day & will only ever talk to you while you’re online, usually starting off with the very original “hey”. I just want to warn newbies to the online dating world because I think the first one is always a bit of a shock, but if you don’t like it, there’s a wonderful button labelled ‘delete’ & you can use it freely!

#IBD4U