Rob Rob #2

So this guy… Rob Rob – Well he comes & goes over the year I am with Noodle. This is a bit of a flashback blog post – Remember when I said there was a guy I went for a coffee with & I couldn’t remember who it was? It was actually Rob Rob, which is great that I had written this because otherwise we may never know what happened at that “coffee” date. However, I probably should’ve posted this before. So we’re flashing back right now to that coffee date. But aslo we flash forward too because it’s not long enough for a whole post on its own… Stick with me, it’ll make sense.

I never give Rob Rob too much of my time because of the way he treats me… Always on his terms, always when he’s free – he literally only messages every few days & then disappears… I’ve just spent a year with a guy I fell in love with doing the same, I mean, do I want to get sucked into that with this guy again? We talk a lot & sometimes have sort of phone sex or send pictures, not as much as I used to being that I am with Noodle & I really don’t want to jeopardise that.

However one day when I am on holidays, Noodle is also on holidays but playing his game of I’m not chatting for hours on end, that Rob Rob is messaging & says that he’s finished work that I should give him my address & he’ll come over. I tell him that I am not in the mood to see him, which is true & I am in gym gear, sweaty from the gym but he keeps persisting. He says that we won’t do anything (yeah right!) but he wants to meet me… I am so pissed off with Noodle right now that I am typing out my address before I can stop myself. Rob Rob says he’s on his way, he’ll be 40 minutes. I consider having a shower but I think fuck it, this guy can meet me as I am. I need to see other people, I’ve told Noodle at this point that I am seeing other people. So fuck him.

I see Rob Rob pull up & he has the same car as Noodle, FUCK. It scares me a bit, I think it is Noodle. A similar height guy gets out the car but he’s fairer than Noodle, so my heart stops pounding so hard when I realise it’s not Noodle but I still have to do a double take because they have a similar build, Rob Rob is probably a bit bigger than Noodle, but they are basically the same height, I can’t help but think, Fuck I really do have a type!

He looks smart in his trousers & shirt with a jacket, a bit formal I think but he has just come from work – it’s a suit & he looks good. I think I fucking should’ve showered. I’ve probably been talking to this guy on & off for 2+ years at this point & this is the first time we’re meeting face to face & I look like shit when he looks good!? FUCK… He knocks on the door leaning on the bricks with his hands in his pockets & I feel teeny tiny with him. He may even be a little taller than Noodle, he comes inside & we sit on the couch, I offer him a drink.

We talk about bullshit & mostly guys I’m fucking. He’s always keen to hear my stories about who I’m fucking & likes the details. This guy has seen me naked via video chat like a hundred times, but I’ve never felt more vulnerable than I do with him right now. I know I would want to fuck this guy – he has some weird pull on me too, not quite th same as Noodle, no one has a pull on me like Noodle does. I know Rob Rob wants to fuck me, that’s a given, why else would he drive 40 minutes to see me? Is it just married men that have that pull on me or is it their dominance & stature that draw me in? I mean Noodle is like my Edward Cullen from Twilight but Rob Rob is like my Jacob Black… I am stupidly addicted to both in very different ways, one more than the other, but fuck, I never thought of it like that before! Hahaha… (Yeah I love twilight btw!)

Rob Rob asks me to show him my toys, I know this isn’t a good idea but we go into my bedroom, I sit on the edge of the bed & open the draw of my bedside table to show him what’s in there. There are a lot of vibes & lotions, some other toys… He starts rubbing himself & I think fuck, I do want to do something with this guy but Noodle is in my head. I want this to be Noodle standing in front of me. I hate that. I feel sorry for him that Noodle is on my mind. But he doesn’t seem to notice; he unzips his fly & pulls out his cock. Obviously I’m very familiar with it over video chat, but in real life, at the height he is, right now, he’s basically at the perfect sucking height right now… I do think maybe I should suck it, that’s not that bad, is it? But I don’t. I don’t know how I restrain myself but I do. I don’t even touch it… I want too but I am now 100% loyal to Noodle, even though he’s treating me like an option right now & I said I would see other people, I don’t want to fuck things up. I know how jealous Noodle gets.

So fast forward a little to a few weeks after it ended with Noodle, Rob Rob & I talk on & off but we kind of back off a lot. I am totally still in love with Noodle & things are a bit better. But when that all comes crumbling down around me about Noodle & I know the things I know about Noodle & his partner, I need sex with someone else… I was waiting to fuck other people because I always thought Noodle would come back to me, but fuck it, I need to move on to stop picturing Noodle when I make myself cum – which hasn’t been that often either. FUCK. I’m actually also chatting to a guy from the anonymous app who is coming over tonight – a guy who you’ll read about soon (Crows), but when Crows tells me he’s not entirely single I think FFS, so he’s not going to be the distraction I need, so when Rob Rob says he’s home & that I should come over, I reluctantly agree…

Rob Rob Cheating mistakes.png

I rock up at his house, wearing some sexy lingerie & a dress, I know he will appreciate what I look like… When he opens the door, I forgot how tall he is, I feel like an actual midget, even though I am in heels too. We walk in the door & he’s kissing me right away, this is the first man to kiss me since Noodle. It feels weird, but at least he’s a good kisser, he pushes me into a room which I am hoping it’s not their bedroom, I can’t really tell but there are clothes in the wardrobe & it does seem like a woman lives here – He tells me later it’s their spare room. I can’t believe that I am fucking another married guy, did I not learn my lesson? I mean there is no way I could fall for Rob Rob, he has kept the boundaries, I mean I don’t even think he knows my real name! (even to this day I don’t think he knows!)

He lifts my dress off over my head & then I am standing in my wedges & lingerie feeling anything but sexy. He looks at me with reassurance, pushing me to my knees to suck his cock, which I do & he calls me a good girl. I cringe because I used to hate it when a guy would call me that, but Rob Rob actually got me used to it in the beginning & within a few months with Noodle, he made me love it. I cringe because it’s the first time I’ve heard it since Noodle & it’s not from Noodle. Weirdly these 2 guys have a similar cock & he fits in my mouth, I like sucking a mans dick, so I enjoy him forcing himself in my mouth. He gets naked & pushes me on the bed, I lay there wondering if I can go through with this, but I look at him & realise I do want it. I just weirdly feel like I am cheating on Noodle with this guy. However, I must remember it is now over with Noodle, he is having crazy hot sexy with his partner that he used to have with me. I am clearly just a distant memory to the man I am so deeply in love with.

I obviously have to bring a condom with me, which is ok because clearly he won’t have any & mine are latex free ones, I prefer to use anyway… He fucks me for a while with him on top before we switch it up & I’m on top of him, riding his cock & rubbing my clit I actually cum while riding him – which surprises me, I didn’t think I would be able to cum with him but I do…. He tells me that he’s never cum with a condom on ever… Really ever? Surely not… But I mean that was pretty hot sex, of course he was going to cum. I mean, nothing compares to the sex I had with Noodle, but at least it was good!

Rob Rob & I don’t really talk much for a while & I never catch up with him again. He does his disappearing act as usual for weeks on end, I refuse to message him first as my usual thing. But then when he comes back online, he tells me that he & his wife have started swinging, that she fucked someone else! WTF dude! I really hate that I seem to just always be a fluffer for these men! I don’t know why this hurts me so much, but I feel like shit when he tells me. Again we stop talking for weeks maybe months. I am still reeling about Noodle, but now this woman is giving her partner what he wants, so I am no longer needed, even as a friend… I feel so used TBH. I am redundant with my own sex life!?

#IBD4U

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Noodle #48

I can almost hear the list of lies Noodle is telling her now to save his family. The list of lies is to stop her from kicking him out, keeping his kids from him. The list isn’t designed to hurt me or any mistress, but I can tell you that it fucking kills me to think about what he’s saying, I don’t even need him to confirm what he’s said, I already know it.

  • It was just sex
  • It meant nothing, she means nothing to me
  • I didn’t mean to hurt you
  • I’m not in love with her, I love you
  • It was just one time (or shortened the time to less than it was, maybe months)
  • It’s over – I won’t see her again
  • I made a mistake
  • I’m sorry

I’m almost certain that he’s also telling her that I’m crazy & obsessed with him, I gave him the panties to get him into trouble. I bet he’s not telling her all the details – I mean I don’t want to her to know that I’ve been to their house & that I’ve fucked him in their bed but she deserves to know the whole truth. I reckon he may have even told her that he tried to end it with me, perhaps that I threatened to tell her, so he kept seeing me? I know he’s telling her how much he loves her, how stupid he is, that he doesn’t want to lose his family.

I get I have totally fucked up here & someone got hurt other than me, some of you even think I am getting what I deserve… But you also have to remember, I am single, I’m allowed to be online trolling for men… I just never expected to fall in love with a partnered man who was trolling online for something too. I am not proud of what I did or how things happened, but I wasn’t expecting to be in absolute agony thinking about what he’s saying to her. He’s been with her for 10+ years, I get it. We’ve only had a year together, we’ve both had our guards up most of the time, not letting each other see the real us. I was never going to be the winner here (if there even is a winner).

I wish he would talk to me. I fucking hate that I have no way to contact him & now she knows, I can’t send a text, she’s probably got his phone. I have no idea what is happening & it kills me, if he leaving her, is she kicking him out? Are they working it out? He’s so fucking lucky that I respect him enough not to cause drama, I mean I know where they live, his phone number & where they both work. I could cause so much shit trying to get in contact with him… I want to talk to him. I want to know what is going on. I keep looking out the window every time I hear a car drive past, thinking he’s going to be on my doorstep any minute. I hope for that. I want that. FUCK, I want that so bad.

But his silence today is speaking louder than his words. He’s staying with her. She’s forgiven him for what he did, probably because of the lies & I’m sure she’s believing them, because she wants to save her family too. I don’t blame her for that, hell, I don’t blame him for that either… I think anyone who is told that list of things whether you’re male or female, you know it’s just a line, like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I’m not ready for a serious relationship’ all those bullshit lines people use… These lies are the same, but it works.

For the first time in 14 months, I don’t hear from Noodle on the Sunday, the first day we haven’t spoken… I cry at my family dinner when my brother asks me how I am, just as general question & I can’t look at the family, they have no idea what is going on. They don’t get what is happening, but they are supportive. My mum even stays after everyone has left to find out what is happening. I spill the beans to her. This is something I never shared but my dad cheated on my mum & my mum chose to stay with my dad. I was in my early 20’s so it wasn’t for the kids. But when I say things I know it stings my mum, however she is a wonderful support for me.

I am numb.

I am speechless.

My tummy churns.

I am going insane.

I resist the urge to text him not wanting to make it worse. He loves me, he says he loves her – but like a sister. He told me that he gets angry with his family when he can’t log on the app & talk to me. He get jealous when other men talk to me. He will see the light. He will choose me… Fucking hell this is torture. As if he’s going to choose me! We’ve barely had any time together, we were just getting to a point of being more open & we were actually spending more time talking – it was never just sex with him. We were friends for months first. It wasn’t supposed to be love, but we have undeniable chemistry. Even Sweetie saw it in person, others saw it online.

My family have no idea what is wrong with me, I am like a disconnected shell of a person, I can’t tell them, I mean they don’t even know about Noodle. No one knows that I’ve even been seeing someone, my sister knows a bit but not the extent of our feelings.

I am not present.

I am a zombie.

I don’t sleep.

Am I even functioning?

Noodle intentions character.png

I of course message him before I got to sleep Sunday night at 7:45 pm “I hate that you haven’t been online to talk to me. I get it but I hate it. I’m constantly thinking the worst case scenario for me & haven’t slept since I got your message on Friday night, in the hopes that you’d come over, even thought you’d be here last night (silly fantasy of getting to sleep next to you all night). I’ve been crying all day today including while my family was here tonight, because I am optimistic one minute then pessimistic the next. So I’ve taken some sleeping tablets cos I have to sleep tonight. But if you need me you have a key. I miss you xxx.” but he never logs onto the app – it’s the first day we haven’t had a conversation.

I sleep that night thanks to the sleeping tablets but not very well, I wake up looking at the chat app multiple times waiting for the greyed out d to turn into a dark d that he’s online & then an R that he’s read my message… But it never happens.

When Noodle finally messages me on Monday morning at 7:15 am, while I am getting ready for work, he tells me without telling me in so many words that he is staying with her, Shit #IBD4U. It’s been a very tough weekend for me mentally & TBH I’ve avoided being online because I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” FUCK! He’s staying with her… I get angry & say “So you wait till now when I have to go to work?” What a fucking ass!!! He says that he felt like I deserved a message, I tell him that he’s making a giant mistake & he says “I know… I imagine a life so much better with you too… My kids tho…” He tells me what a burden he’d be with his kids & debt. Does he not realise, that he couldn’t be a burden, this is our time. This is our time to have an epic love story.

It’s almost surreal, I can’t fucking believe he waited till I was getting ready for work to tell me that he’s staying with her… He tells me that he packed up his stuff in the car on the weekend ready to come to my house but she got so drunk he couldn’t leave the kids with her. I tell him that my house is always safe for him & the kids, he could’ve come over with them. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so he just assumes I hate kids. Quite the contrary, I love kids, I am just not prepared to give up myself to give birth, I am selfish & I have never wanted to be a mum, but I do want kids in my life which is why I am so happy to have my Nieces & Nephews & now I could potentially have Noodles kids in my life. The prospect of that is exciting actually. I wish he messaged me on the weekend, I would’ve given him the reassurance that he could come to my house anytime, with the kids.

We fight about it for about an hour, until I just say bye. He writes “I’m so sorry #IBD4U. We obviously can’t continue the relationship side of things & that’s what we had… I don’t wanna say goodbye. Your amazing woman #IBD4U, you have been my best friend, so caring & an amazing lover. & it was only my children that lead me to my decision. I will always love you & there will always be a place in my heart for you. I’m sorry that it got this far.” OH fuck off… Is he kidding me? I tell him to shut up. He tells me that he doesn’t want it to end badly with me, but I can’t help how angry I am “The whole thing is fucked. I’ve had butterflies about you & how I’m going to tell you. I fucking hate how much I love you sometimes.” I tell him what an epic mistake he’s making & that he’ll regret it. “I know & for the first time this weekend I’m tearing up. Still not crying but yeah. You will always have a place in my heart #IBD4U. I’m sorry for hurting you. Didn’t want to ghost you tho. Not sure you want to leave the lines open for communication after all this.” I tell him he’s ending it with the wrong woman & that he’s going to regret his decision. He says “My wife has stupidly forgiven me for some reason. She’s even offered to have a 3sum with you Wtf?” Yeah no fucking way that will EVER happen! & so obvious why she wants to do that to compare me & show him how sexy she can be. “But yeah, you’re probably the better choice” Yeah we both know I am the better choice, but he has to live with this decision. I ask him what he told her “Nothing in detail. Didn’t tell her I loved you or had feelings for you. Think she still suspects it. Because she knew I was so close to leaving & knew I was going to you. I told her it was 3 months” OMG “So you’re still lying to her” That poor fucking woman… Forgiving him on lies… He tells me “I worked out if I kept the car, all the debt & the house we’d be even. Yeah didn’t want to be burden either. I’ve thought about it a lot this weekend. & how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Fuck that hurts… he has made our epic love story so trivial. Desintingrated to 3 months. The love of my life just shattered to a 3 month affair… He that he wasn’t unhappy & that he loves her too “But TBH I love you more. I hate the idea of saying goodbye for good. I’m so sorry #IBD4U. Goodbye for now. I will always love you.” OMG… I am fucking broken… so I message back “I don’t want the last time we saw each other to be the last time… When you’re back at work please meet me for lunch. I’ll get my keys (assuming my undies are gone) & you can have your name badges & xmas presents back.”

Noodle never reads my last message – fucking asshole! He logs off & never logs back on, I hate that he’s got that control. I hate that I don’t try to contact him via his mobile number… Why don’t I just text the cunt & fuck up his life more?! ARGH… So when I get to work, I email him my phone number, I’m not really sure why, but I figure he’s going to get off the chat app. He leaves all the groups except one without saying goodbye to anyone & they all turn to me for answers. Fuck you Noodle for doing that!

The next 2 weeks are a blur, I am somehow functioning at work however I am not eating at all. I can’t eat. My stomach heaves at me when I think about food. Those who notice (Thank you) try to make me eat… I just can’t. I think of him with everything I do… I think about the fact they probably aren’t having sex, that she’s being a complete bitch to him… Even when I brush my teeth, my fucking electric toothbrush reminds me of him. I buy a regular toothbrush & hide the fucking electric one in the cupboard like a douche. There is his Listerine & Rexona in my cupboard, I can’t look at it – but I see it every time I open the fucking bathroom cupboard door. I tip it down the sink & give the Rexona to my brother saying “don’t wear this around me.” Everything reminds me of him, I look in my pantry – even though I haven’t eaten in days & see anything with the word protein on it & I think of him… FUCK!

I think about him daily, I wake up all through the night thinking about him – I do not sleep or eat well for weeks… Checking the chat app for messages from him. Staring at my phone willing him to message me… Tossing & turning all night… I am destroyed… I don’t need you to tell me I got what I deserved, I am 100% aware of what I did & what was going to happen…

I am constantly thinking about what has happened, what they’re going through, if she’s completely shutting him out. I wonder about how she found my panties, where were they? Were they in his gym bag? Why would he leave them in his gym bag? Why didn’t he hide them in his wheel arch in the car like he hid my Christmas present? Why didn’t he give them back to me, did he want to get caught? FUCKING HELL THIS IS TORTURE. I need some answers & at this rate, I feel like I am never going to get any at all… I hate this. I hate that I am barely functioning, I hate that I am falling apart. I’m trying to hold it together, but I never have a poker face. Everyone knows there is something wrong with me & again, I can’t really tell anyone what is going on because no one even knew I was seeing someone, let alone a married man.

#IBD4U

Noodle #47

My euphoria is short lived. Noodle obviously has to go home to his real life & my fantasy life is over. I drive home in a sex haze bliss though, I am definitely in this for another year. I’m sure he’ll leave once the baby is a bit older. I can’t even believe I am telling myself this to be honest, as if he’s ever going to leave but I somehow convince myself to believe it – my friend believes it, I should too. I am going to make this work, I love this man, I want to make it work. I want this man more than I’ve ever wanted anything before & this happens to be the only way I can have him right now, so I am willing to compromise for a little bit longer. I now have the support of my friend so no matter what happens, I have support…

However Noodle is at it again, not coming back online at night, taking over 12 hours to reply to me, reading my messages but then not replying. I am gutted. I am shattered. Can I do this for another year? I mean when he goes back to work he’ll be able to message more & I won’t feel so neglected or foolish. But I just have to get through these next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. Yes I know I am repeating myself, but I really just have to wait till he’s back at work!

But when he does come back online one night, we’re talking to each other in a tone, I’m upset, I feel like I have every right to be upset that he hasn’t been putting in the effort. Maybe I’m being crazy maybe I’m being too needy or have unrealistic expectations but I feel like that this guy can message me more than he is & that he doesn’t just “fall asleep” when we say good night tonight, all I write is GN. I am done with this.

The next morning he says “Morning if you care” OMG is he serious? “Morning if YOU care!” Really?! “I do care. Surprised you didn’t say GM to me” Yeah right Noodle. “What’s wrong with GN. At least I have the decency to tell you I’m going to sleep” Fuck I hate being in this mood. We constantly fight over the fact that he never chats to me at night anymore or says good night – he doesn’t even say heart emoji you anymore. I mean not this old chest nut again!? I can’t help it. I am staying awake till after midnight every night waiting for him to come back online & he never does. Then I can’t sleep because I’m waiting for him to come back online, then when he doesn’t, I feel like the idiot, then wake up grumpy from lack of sleep. Nothing changes for him though of course, he doesn’t even know that I am lying there awake waiting. Hoping he’ll tell me that he’s at the gym so I can come visit or even just to fucking talk to me about my day… I tell him again that I don’t want to be an obligation but I am sick of this shit… But when Noodle says “I’d kiss you right now if I could” I melt like a wanker & remember to tell him that it’s exactly a year since we met face to face, so about 14 months since we started chatting every day. I tell him that he missed getting me a present for our anniversary so he says “Happy Anniversary babe xxx” I literally start laughing – as if he thinks he’s not funny ”You’re an idiot” with a smiley face “Come on you smirked tho hehe” of course I did, he always makes me laugh “Happy anniversary of when we met too bacon bits xxx” I’m not sure why I’m calling him bacon bits being that’s his favourite thing, not mine. “Bacon bits? I’m left over bacon?” I literally start laughing “There’s no such thing as left over bacon. Bacon is too delicious to be left over. Bacon is your fav food right?” I’m pretty sure bacon is a favourite of his. “I love burgers & lasagne & ribs. Ribs would be my fav probably. Bacon is pretty damn good tho. Your my bacon” With a love heart emoji. I love when we are like this, it’s fucking cute as fuck. “Anyway, I’m off, have fun with your family xxx” OMG… “OMG you’re actually saying goodbye. Have a good day xxx” That was unexpected. Finally a proper goodbye, not just a log off & radio silence “Well think it might help if I do. I do still love you & all. But I’ll shhh now. Sometimes don’t get the op to say it.Which I need to remember what he’s told me before that he doesn’t say goodbye sometimes so that he can chat to me as long as he can. However it will be better if he does try to make an effort & say goodbye to me. I hope that he does do this moving forward & considers my feelings more. I mean he doesn’t say goodbye so he can chat to me as long as he can, but what he doesn’t realise is that we’re in the middle on a conversation & he disappears… Leaving me feeling like a dickhead. But for him, he has messaged me literally till the last second he can. Things are still a little tense – I don’t know when there will be a time that we are back to normal, but we talk better than we have in a while & it feels good again, when he’s saying good bye & he adds “I hate saying bye to you xx” that I can’t even be angry when he says stuff like that to me, I love it. I’m glad he’s making an effort for me. I really appreciate it & it really shows me that he loves me, that he’s willing to adapt for me when I tell him how I’m feeling.

It’s been a week since we saw each other, since one of the hottest nights of my life with the body stocking, it’s Monday night again. I am in a mood as usual with Noodle that even though I am meeting him at the gym, I am in a funk. This funk is because I haven’t had sex in a week, I get grumpy as fuck when I don’t get sex weekly. (This is something he knows too, if we got a few days, I get too grumpy & he’ll say something about me needing to be fucked) But as I sit on his lap, kissing him, rubbing myself against him, he looks at his watch & says “Fuck” to which I think, what the fuck, he doesn’t push me off him but I realise something is up & sit back on the backseat… He says that she’s just asked him where he is, which he writes back the gym but then she asks for a picture of him, that his location is off & she wants a picture now. I ask him if he wants me to go home which he says no as he gets out of the car, seemingly flustered, so I sit there like a fucking idiot. He races inside & I assume he takes a picture, sending it to her. He gets back in the backseat & I ask why his location is off, he says because he was watching something from America & forgot to turn it back on. He says he smoothed it over with her & she believed him. I mean technically he is at the gym – so not a lie. I say that it’s lucky that his phone wasn’t just at the gym & he at my house like has happened sometimes. We have sex & I can’t stop thinking about the messages & the fact he had to go take a picture & to be honest, the fact that he would drop everything to take a picture & I don’t think that I will be able to cum. But of course, it’s sex with Noodle. I cum but I feel this weird feeling, a feeling I can’t shake as I drive off that night… Maybe it’s because it’s the first time I’ve experienced him first hand, being so whipped… He’s just a strong personality most of the time, especially in the groups that I almost feel like I don’t know who this man is, who ran inside to take a photo in the gym bathroom…

Later that week, I suggest he send a picture to my work iPhone to test the live picture thing. We work out that as long as the picture was taken live, it has that live symbol on it. So I suggest that Noodle take a bunch of picture at the gym so he has a range of pictures in his phone in case that happens again & he’s not actually at the gym.

On Friday night I am out with friends from the gym, I look cute again & wearing some sexy underwear thinking that I am already halfway to his gym being the location of the restaurant we’re at & I’m betting that he’ll message tonight to see me. I don’t know why I get my hopes up about seeing him, but I do… I never hear from him, what a fucking surprise…. But I wake up really early to a message from him at like 2:00 am, saying that his partner knows about us. FUUUUUCCCKKKK!! I write back instantly, sitting straight up in bed, I ask him what happened & say that he can come to my house anytime that he has a key. I don’t sleep well but I lay in bed waiting for Noodle to message again… Which isn’t till like 10:00 am… I read it instantly “Morning. Fuck #IBD4U. I don’t know what to do. I wanna leave my wife bad but I love my kids so much. My little girl means so much to me than I thought she would. And my son. FML. But I want you just as bad.” FUCK! He’s going to stay, I need to prepare for this!

Noodle Justify scars love.png

We talk for a short time, I ask how she knows, he tells me that she found my panties (FUCK what a way to find out your partner is having an affair, by finding another woman’s panties somewhere! FUCK!!!) & she now knows about me, there was no way he could deny that he is having an affair with that type of evidence. FUCK! I want more information but this isn’t the right time to ask him this stuff, I’m sure we’ll talk more but right now for him it’s too raw. He tells me that she’s threatened to take the kids interstate (which was already something she’s threatened when I was hypothetical) & he has no money to legally fight her… I send him screenshots from legal aid website to show that she can’t just take the kids to interstate, to where her parents are moving. I also try to explain how much I love him & how much I want to help him. He just keeps saying that he’s in so much debt & he doesn’t want to be a burden for me. That he loves me but he knows I don’t want kids so I don’t want his kids, which is not what I’ve ever said. I want this man, regardless of his debt, regardless of his kids… I want him, all of him, all of his baggage.

He logs off the app & I wait…

& wait…

& wait…

& wait…

#IBD4U

Noodle #46

I tell Noodle about my friend. I tell him that I hadn’t told her anything & now I’ve told her everything, I tell him that it surprises me that my friend is on his side. “She said I should give you some space, time & that she wasn’t totally against me still seeing you even though I lied to her for months… She’s the reason why I messaged you last night.” He tells me that he would’ve seen me if he didn’t crash after forgetting to drink his afternoon caffeine drink, I tell him that I’m a fool & now can’t stop crying. But I made a promise to her to not push it with him so that’s what I am going to do. Try to just go with the flow, as if I can do that, but I am going to try! My friend actually said to give him space, not walk away just yet but protect myself a little. I tell Noodle that I know I am being needy, I can’t help it. The man I love is pulling away from me little by little & it’s destroying me. “Don’t forget I’m not working & around my wife & kids 24/7. Just a bad time atm. I dedicate as much time as I can as always with you. Even if it’s not much. I do love you & have feelings for you. You mean more to me than I let on or that I can show you. It’s why I’m sticking around & hurts me every time you think of ending it with me. I wish I could chat to you more. See you more.” Oh god, I tear up again “Ok stop being sweet now, because I’m getting teary! You haven’t really said much about your feelings for me lately.” It’s true, maybe that’s what it is? He’s not been telling me he loves me, even if it is with the heart emoji, at night because he hasn’t been coming back online. “Well didn’t wanna upset you too much… Do you want me to talk about it more?” Do I? Will it make it worse? Is it better that I think that he doesn’t have feelings for me? Will that make it easier to walk away? However, I’m now committed to this for a whole year. “So you stop telling me you have feelings for me & also stop talking to me, keep falling asleep & then surprised when I question why I’m still with you?! I will never understand men! How is not talking about your feelings helping me? I don’t want to be an obligation & I don’t want to force you to talk about your feelings but yeah you stop talking to me, stop saying anything to make me feel like you do love me, hardly see me but you could easily solve so many issues…!” He says he hasn’t stopped & I say that he hasn’t even sent me the usual xxx with a goodnight message. “Hey #IBD4U. xxx” I actually laugh. “You’re an idiot!” But he did make me laugh. “Urgh you’re the idiot. I want to cuddle you right now. You seem a bit crazy & need a hug. I like your hugs, they feel good.” FUCK, I want him to cuddle me too… & I hate cuddles. But I love Noodle cuddles… “Just for the record. I just hate feeling like a fool.” Which is pretty much everyday. “Your not a fool. I do love you & miss you terribly when I’m not chatting to you. Even get a little edgy at home sometimes. You have no idea” Yeah I don’t know, I mean he’s told me he gets angry at home when he can’t talk to me, but I don’t believe that really, I mean how could he even explain why he’s angry when his parter asks whats wrong with him? He starts calling me babe & baby which I say doesn’t suit him so I say “Maybe say that I’m the maple syrup to your bacon” knowing that he loves that “Oh you are the maple syrup to my bacon! Your that little sweetness that makes something amazing even better. You even have a nice sweet little tasty pussy I love to suck” Oh good god, how do we always end up talking about sex! I somehow forget that I am angry with him & tell him that he missed out on fucking me in a dress with knee high boots (an outfit I did pick because I was hoping to see him) “OMG, the would have been so hot too. OMG You always look hot in a dress.”

I also don’t even remember this guy, but apparently (from my messages with Noodle) I went on a date with a guy who tried to kiss me but because he didn’t compare, I didn’t kiss him. First I feel sorry for this guy that I don’t remember him at all, so he doesn’t get a blog post, but also the fact that I am in love with someone else & dating. What the fuck am I doing? I did tell Noodle I was going to date other people, just no one from the chat app. But when telling my friend about it that night she told me not to date other men, it’s not fair on the other men & also she said I need to just focus on Noodle. WOW. Another surprise from her. I tell Noodle about the date & that I am not going to date anyone else moving forward. He says he doesn’t hold it against me dating someone else, it’s just that he doesn’t want me to fuck anyone from the chat app. Which I agreed too, I wouldn’t, it’s too close to home, so to speak. He tells me that there are better men out there than him, which is his standard answer, almost like a test for me to leave him I think, or self-preservation, I don’t know but he acts like he’s so hot sometimes, then I also get the vulnerable side of him where he is so insecure about how he looks. “My friend did ask me why I love you” I know he’s going to ask me what I said “Your answer?” I know exactly why I love him “I said cos your funny, a massive douche, sexy, I love how dedicated to your work & family you are, I love how sweet you can be & how much you support my life decisions to study etc. & how your eyes pop out of your head when you see me in something sexy” He says that he’s not funny & only sexy sometimes. But he’s funnier than he thinks & I think he’s sexy all the time. He asks why I like his douchy side too “It’s hard to explain, like even just a bit douchy to wear white sneakers with a suit to a wedding but I fucking loved it… Just like that you say what everyone is thinking sometimes… I do it too, not quite like you do though.” He asks me to feed his ego & asks how he compares “I like how smart you are & how we help each other with the gym & nutrition etc” But then I realise he means about the guy I went on a date with but he says “OMG, did You Heur call me smart?” I literally laugh out loud at the spelling errors & say I’m not sure why I called him smart. He says “Only I could fuck that sentence at that moment” he asks me to compare him to the coffee date guy (who I still cannot place at all!) “You are hotter, darker hair, more manly, taller, actually had chemistry with you, we don’t stop talking… Hard to talk to him, didn’t feel a spark but also was thinking about you the whole fucking time… He was a bit fatter too & a bit of a wranger”

Side Note: I tell Noodle that the coffee guy came in a suit & I was in gym gear!? I mean who is this poor man! I feel so sorry for him… FUCK… I tell Noodle how awkward it was because he was in a suit but I was in gym gear. So it was awkward just from that.

Noodle asks me “So you didn’t sext him later that night dying to fuck him” I know where this is going “Definitely not, I’ve never done that” Noodle swears that I messaged him dying to suck his cock after our first meeting. I will always deny this! He has no proof.

A few days later, Noodle is still not chatting to me in the way I would like, but he’s asked to see me at the gym, I have bought a fishnet body stocking that has a hole right where you need it as a lady! Hahaha. I put on daggy tracksuit to go meet him, not letting him in on the secret about what I’m wearing underneath my oversized track suit. We have to park somewhere else tonight as there are people in the car park, how annoying. But it doesn’t stop us. I sit on his lap in the backseat & he runs his hands up my back feeling the fishnet stocking on my back & basically rips my jumper off over my head as he’s asking what I’m wearing, it all happens so suddenly, that I am now basically on my back on the backseat with my pants also being ripped down, while Noodle ogles what I am wearing for him. That Look. That noise! Fuck, I am melting like butter for him. I am so submissive for him. All for that look, all for that feeling he gives me when he looks at me like that. I can’t ever imagine that he’s looked at anyone else the same way he’s looking at me now. I literally would do anything for that look, I am 100% his, I am at his mercy. His wish is my command. I never thought I would ever feel like that about a man, ever. He literally can do whatever he wants to me & I will enjoy it & want more. I want it always, this is really what love is.

Noodle pushes me back on the car seat & chokes me while fingering me to make me cum, but just as I am about too, he stops. Fuck, his favourite little game. He looks at me, in my eyes, kisses me, then sits back up & slaps my face. OH FUCK YES. He rips the fishnet bodysuit & uses the thickness of some extra straps to choke me as he fucks me so hard, I feel like I will explode, but he stops every time I am close to cumming.

When I am allowed to finally cum, I have to beg him to let me, he’s pinning my hands above my head, he’s choking me, he’s fucking me so hard, never taking his eyes away from mine. I can’t close them either, I know that I want to look at him in this moment, that I cum. He’s not done of course so his cock is between my tits & he’s cumming on them & my neck, loving that I also beg him to cum there. It turns him on so much. OMG it turns me on so much too.

I can’t even move for like 5 minutes after we’re done. I’ve cum so hard & so many times that I am deemed useless right now. Noodle is rubbing my tits & his cum when I sit up & look at him. Fuck I love this man. He is sexy & everything I want sexually. I can’t believe that I have found a man I can connect with like this & that is love with me! Fuck, how did I get so lucky?!

#IBD4U

Noodle #45

I can’t let this go. Noodle has some reason why he didn’t tell me about the kids names & I struggle to believe that I am a priority for him. He finally sends me the first picture of his baby girl & I can see why he’s in love, but can’t see why he’s not willing to be open with me about it. I start to doubt our friendship, about how he feels for me, I feel like I’m not good enough or not really his friend at all, I feel really low right now. So insignificant to him… “Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Don’t ever & I mean ever think your not good enough. Your so kind, loving & caring. The sexiest woman I have ever fucked. I know you’ve struggled in the past, but your good enough for any guy. Don’t think less.” I feel a little self-conscious now “Anyway… just saying you should talk about the boring things too if you really want me to believe you.” I want him to talk to me about more than sex, food & the chat app people. “I’ll take that into consideration. I do regard you as my best friend. Don’t want to be all boring.” He then sends me a picture of his son holding his daughters hand while she sleeps, his son is looking lovingly at her & Noodle captions is “My son fucking loves her.” He really does, he looks super adorable & it makes me yearn, not for a baby of my own, but for these kids & Noodle to be in my life full time. He finally opens up telling me “I’m legit a boring person. My only hobby is video games which I don’t really do much anymore haha. & I have one other interest that is embarrassing & I’ve never told you” What could it be? I mean nothing is more embarrassing that telling him the other day that I like watching the Batchelor. Nothing can be worse than that! Now if it was actually embarrassing, I probably wouldn’t share this part of the story with you, but I don’t think it’s that embarrassing. “Ummm, I watch professional wrestling. Don’t laugh at me” I tell him that it’s not embarrassing or that unusual for a guy. He tells me that he needs to work on opening up. I mean it’s been over a year, we’ve chatted every single day & seen each other weekly & I don’t really know this guy. Do I? I tell him that his boring stuff is what he claims to be the reason he wont leave his partner, yet he won’t talk to me about it. He realises that he needs to open up more.

I haven’t seen him all the week, I get it the baby is only one week old, he can’t really sneak out & go to the gym, also his partner isn’t breast feeding so he’s been helping out with feeds. He’s been barely chatting (my version of barely chatting is only chatting to me for a few hours a day! Hahaha) & going to sleep early so not even coming back online at night, while I wait around like a tosser.

I finally see Noodle for the first time since we fucked in his bed, we meet late at night at his gym in the car for an hour. I missed him so much, he’s not been chatting as much but fuck I miss him. This whole next week Noodle does the same thing, he chats in the morning then never comes back online. The reason why this pisses me off so much is because I am waiting around for him to come back online & when he doesn’t I toss & turn all night wondering what he’s doing, if he’s ok, if she knows about me. I mean I go insane! We did agree not to talk or we each other as much, I didn’t see it at the time but that’s what we agreed, now looking back I realise he was just following through. I know I’m defending him, but he is also scared I’m just going to delete him. He’s pulling away, so it doesn’t hurt so much when I do.

On the following Thursday morning he says “Morning Banana pancakes” but I am in no mood to be cute, so I just say morning as I get ready for the gym, I actually put my phone down & don’t look at it willing a message from him, like I usually do. “How have you been? I’ve missed chatting to you” I don’t read it & 20 minutes later I get another message from him “You up to much this morning?” I take another 15 mins to reply as I’m driving to the gym “Just about to go to bootcamp” I know I am being shit, but I am sick of always being available for him. “You like your morning gym, don’t you?” I tell him that I just prefer the harder classes & I say “Have a good day.” I put my phone in my bag & work out for an hour. I figure he won’t come back online for the rest of the day like he’s been doing lately, chats to me for a short time in the morning then disappears. I’m sick of changing my whole life for him so I just decide to work out & forget him. I get several message from him “That’s it? You don’t wanna chat anymore? Have a good day? Damn you can be stone cold sometimes.” & 10 minutes before I finish at the gym another message “Was gonna ask you if you wanted to meet today after my hair.” I reply “I’m not stone cold, I said have a good day cos I was going to the gym & you’d be offline & won’t talk to me till tomorrow” He is offline & doesn’t read it. But I rush home & shower, getting ready assuming since he’s invited me out that he’ll log back on & message me soon, so I’ll want to be ready. But my first instinct was right, he isn’t going to talk to me until tomorrow. 3 hours later, I still have nothing from him, so I write to him again “See… I got your message, raced home, had a shower, washed my hair, got ready in record time, waiting for you to write that you were done & to meet… Now I sit like a fucking fool, 3 hours later, also crying like a fucktard because you didn’t even bother to tell me your plans so now I miss out on seeing you again… & now you won’t chat to me either.” I am such a fucking idiot! I spend the rest of the day in turmoil. The thing that fucks me off is that he can log off & not think about me for the rest of the day. I walk around not wanting to put my phone down in case he messages to say that he’s free. I have so much study to do & all I’m doing is thinking a out Noodle. Now I’ve missed an opportunity to see him because I was being a bitch because he’s been busy. Fucking hell I’m an actual adolescent! I do consider texting him, but I just have to trust that he really is busy.

To my surprise at 11:15 pm, he comes back online. I want to ignore him, I want to roll over & fall asleep, but I know I can’t. I won’t sleep if I don’t sort this out & maybe he’ll be at the gym, I can go meet him?! Fuck. “You didn’t really, did you? You didn’t seem very interested in me this morning” Why would I say I did it, if I didn’t? “Yes I did. Because you’ve been making me feel like shit… Didn’t walk around with my phone in my hand like I usually do when getting ready.” I know I am being a nutso here, but I can’t help it. The man I love is pulling away from me & barely chatting to me. “Sorry didn’t mean to make you upset” I know he hasn’t meant too, but he is. I know this is hard for him but I can’t help it. “You’ve upset me this whole week. Have a go at me for ignoring you… What do you think you’ve been doing to me?!” I can’t believe that I am being like this with a man who has a brand new baby only 6 days ago. What is wrong with me? “I haven’t ignored you…. Chatted to you when I can.” I don’t believe that I still call bullshit on that Noodle. Since 10am you’ve not been alone for one second to speak to me?! You’ve done it all week” This is nuts, no wonder he hasn’t talked to me all week… “She hasn’t napped this week…“ Oh whatever “You message me when she’s not asleep” He used to find time, but now he doesn’t. “When I can… Hasn’t been many opportunities this week. Don’t let me make you feel like shit. Just very hard for me at the moment. Sorry.” I know this is the problem with dating a fucking married man. “You can honestly say that, swear to god, that you haven’t had a single second to chat to me this week. You’ve been next to her from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to sleep?! She goes on kindy runs with you? Cooks dinner with you? So tell me what is actually going on Noodle, cos I don’t believe it.” He used to even cheekily message me when he was in the shower or toilet, now all of a sudden he’s so busy & unable to send me a message? Is he trying to pull away? He says that he was going to ask me to go to the barber with him, but I didn’t seem interested in him but he says that he messages me whenever he can “Well if you’re interested which I doubt you are I’m at the gym now. I was trying to communicate to you this morning but wasn’t getting much back. Before you went to the gym” Yeah that’s the thing that pisses me off, so he doesn’t get much back from me so he logs off & disappears. I hate that I am getting dressed before I even tell him that I am coming to see him but I deserve a hug, I s deserve sex, he doesn’t but I do. “I know you think I’m crazy” I am feeling crazy, I hate it. “You are going a lil crazy. Just dynamics have changed a lil bit at home.” I know I hate that, but I can’t help it. I tell him that I tell him a few things about my timeline etc & he changes the way he talks to me, he tells me that it’s the baby not what I said. I meet him at the gym & we connect in the way we know how. Really… Is this love? On my way home, I get a message from Noodle “I miss you too you know” with a winky face emoji. Awww fuck!

On Saturday night, I am out with my friend, the friend I haven’t been able to talk to about Noodle with because her partner cheated on her – every time I’ve raised a married man with her she snaps & I can’t be honest with her. She knows something is up & she probes me to tell her what is wrong. I spill the beans, I explain the whole year of chatting to him & seeing him, falling in love with him, how I want him to leave his partner, but I can’t bare to ask him to leave her – he needs to do that despite what might happen with me. To my surprise, my friend is supportive of me, I think because she saw me start to tear up for the first time since I’ve known her in about 10 years. She tells me that they’ve just had a baby & I shouldn’t push him to leave her. I tell her about my timeline of another 4 months but she says that I should wait at least till the baby is a year old. This surprises me so much, another year of this? Can I handle that? I guess like he said once he’s back at work, he’ll be able to message & see me on Tuesday nights again. She tells me to message him because I look really cute & ask him if he wants to see me. I tell her that I don’t want too because I know he won’t see me, everything is on his terms. However she gets me excited & watches me message him “Are you going to the gym tonight? I’m just on my way home & look super cute… Thought you might wanna see me?” & she sends me home. After midnight I am still waiting for him to even come back online that I get into my pj’s & sulk in bed. Not sleeping a wink.

Noodle not overreacting.png

At 8:35 am, the next day, he finally comes back online, I mean this is from a guy who wakes up at 5:00 am & has a new baby. Like really?! “Nope fell asleep! Aren’t you always looking cute. Morning!” I can’t even muster up a happy response so I just say morning. “Wow. You never ask to see me lately, must’ve looked cute” I can’t help myself “Don’t worry, I won’t ask again.” I’m a fuckwit for even trying. “OMG #IBD4U. You can ask. I shouldn’t have to always ask. I think it’s super cute you were looking good & wanted to see me tho!” Yeah right… “Yeah & then felt like a complete fuckwit for suggesting it.” I snap saying that we only ever fuck on his schedule, he tells me I can say no, which of course I know I can but then my vagina misses out. I can’t deny her. He says just cos he can’t give me the attention I crave doesn’t mean he’s being a dick to me, I tell him “I don’t crave that much attention Noodle. It’s not unreasonable to want a message more regularly than 14 hours from the person I love & supposedly loves me & who apparently thinks about me all the time.” Fucking hell I am nuts. “I message you as much as I can, I wish it was more, really I do!” OMG. Can I really do this for another year? I know it’s different cos he’s off work right now, but can I be the other woman for a whole year more?!

#IBD4U

Guest Blog: Why Tinder Is Bad For Your Love Life

Remember the book launch I went too? Well this is one of my favourite blog posts, written by him. He is focused on mental health issues, particularly for men, however as a fellow singleton, he’s posted this amazing blog about why Tinder is bad for us! I am 100% with him on this. I mean just read any one of my blogs to realise why any online dating is bad for us!

He’s also just released a book on mental health so make sure you check it out too… It’s called Redesign Your Mind.

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Why Tinder Is Bad For Your Love Life

Tinder is the most popular and convenient way to date these days, so why would it be bad for your love life? Check out my story and find out why Tinder is actually bad for your love life!

Ok so for those who haven’t read my blog before, I am a 29 year old, single (why else would I be talking about Tinder hah), male, living in Australia. It is crazy to think that it has been over 5 years since Tinder was introduced to the world, changing the dating game as we know it. I have wondered how did so many relationships come to blossom without the use of the iconic dating app in the years Before Tinder (BT). During this time I have been known to have a frequent swipe on the app for different reasons depending on my mood and what I was looking for at the time. Yes I have had my fair share of funny stories and good times, but ultimately it hasn’t led to a long lasting relationship (which is the same for many of my friends). About 6 weeks ago I deleted tinder after I felt that I was wasting my time on there; and after my time on the sidelines I thought I would write about why I think Tinder is bad for your love life. I even went speed dating with a mate recently (that’s a story for another time), and everyone that I met at the event said that they had been on Tinder recently and hated it. So why has Tinder taken over?! Have a read and have a laugh at why I think Tinder is bad for your love life. If you like this post, go to my personal Insta page by clicking here to see more good content and get in touch. Remember to click follow when you get there!

So what are the basics of Tinder?

Have you been living under a rock for the past five years? Haha okay Tinder is the dating app that allows people to meet and chat to members of the opposite (or same) sex in their area and catch up for friendship, for dates, sex, relationship or all of the above. Within minutes you can have your profile set up and be swiping away at potential new matches. Oh yea – and you can only start chatting to someone if you both ‘swipe’ right / yes to each other. Seconds later you could start a chat and lead things wherever you like. Instantly you can have a series of dates or hook ups lined up. If the conversation isn’t up to scratch – it doesn’t matter because there are another 10 potential matches ready to chat whenever you are. Sound’s exciting doesn’t it? That’s part of the problem.. Now that I’ve removed you from under that rock, let’s take a look at why Tinder is bad for your love life.

Tinder is superficial

Now don’t tell me that it’s not superficial and it’s all about the conversation, because we all know that is a lie! The first thing we see is a picture, and without having to read anything about the person we usually swipe away. If we actually read their bio, in we might actually find that the hot, 25 year old blonde we just swiped right to might actually be crazy – but because she looks great in a bikini we instantly swipe right. Ladies don’t laugh because you are just as bad.. how many times have you swiped right to a guy that you know is a jerk, but he has a cute dog so it’s all good right? Hah no wonder why we are back on Tinder hours after our first date..

Tinder makes us focus on the wrong areas

Ok so this is one for our mental health.. When we see people’s profiles and they look great, have the right hair, the right clothes, maybe a profile pic in a cool location, a pretty smile and a nice body, this is what we personally focus our own goals and sought after features on. We look at ourselves and others and focus on the physical aspects. What we need to improve on with ourselves, maybe we need to hit the gym or get a makeover? But this doesn’t help us grow as a person. This means we put too much of our self worth in how good we look with our first impression before our potential lover swipes. If you are looking for a relationship, none of these things matter and what does matter is your personality and how you treat the other person; you know, like whether you are right for each other or not. We all need to work on our mental health, positive attitude and setting goals that give us meaning, however Tinder trains our mind to think about a good booty and sexy profile pic. What we need to do is show gratitude to ourselves and be grateful for what we have got. Find out more in my post about gratitude here.

Tinder doesn’t allow time for a relationship to grow

So you had a first date, and it went okay, but you might as well go on Tinder and check out what else is out there right? Or you had a second date, and you are not sure if they are really interested, so sure I might as well go on Tinder and have another swipe. I am so guilty at falling for this and it is one of the things that I personally am working on. We need to give things time to settle, to find out what we really think about the person. Love is not like in the movies where you fall in love and live happily ever after at the end of the 90 minute screenplay; it takes time. We need to give things time before we move on to the next one, but I know all too well that Tinder makes it hard to resist.

Even if you are faithful on Tinder, are they?

I have heard so many stories of people who have been hurt by someone that wasn’t on the same commitment level as them; or they thought they were exclusive when they were not. Tinder makes it so easy for people to have multiple relationships going. I am not saying that you have to be mutually exclusive, everyone wants to date and see what’s out there, but Tinder has made it harder for us to stay committed and faithful. If a relationship is on the rocks, a partner might just go for a swipe, when BT they would have to wait until the weekend before they could go out with friends, and hopefully by then things have sorted itself out. This also sucks for those that are matching people that are just coming out of relationships and who are not sure what they want. I have heard of many stories (including some of my own), where people haven’t told the full story about when or how their last relationship ended, and whether they are still in contact with their ex-lover. Do you really want to be dating someone who is still talking to, or thinking about their ex? Not me thanks!

Tinder has stopped us from meeting people in social settings

Here’s another thing Tinder has killed. I’m not an old man (yet), but after 10 or so years of social events and nights out in bars and clubs, I have noticed the change in how people act when they are out. In the years BT (Before Tinder) people were way more likely to go and talk to a random person they liked, but now they would much rather meet in the safety of their phone and chat online instead of going up to someone. I had a friend who saw a guy that she liked and said ‘Oh wow I hope he is on Tinder’. Why not just go up to him and say hi? The fear of rejection in a social setting is now just too much for everyone, when instead if we get rejected on Tinder, half the time we will never know about it. This snow balls because now girls and guys don’t expect anyone to come up to them and start a chat, so when it happens their guard is up and they are less likely to go anywhere with the conversation (maybe because we don’t have the confidence or social skills to cope with a random conversation anymore hah).

Tinder trains your brain to seek instant gratification and not a lasting relationship

Now I know that I sound like I think that the creators of Tinder are evil and seeking to create havoc on the world haha but even though this isn’t their intention (I hope anyway), it is the result. Whenever you swipe right and get a match, you feel good. If it is someone you thought was cute, you are instantly gratified and get a sense of happiness. Your brain likes this feeling, and wants it again and again. Unfortunately if you aren’t on Tinder, or you are with someone and things aren’t going well, you want that high again. You want that feeling that someone wants you, and Tinder brings it to you right on time. Tinder trains your brain to want the short, quick, easy highs, and not the slow and ever lasting high of a long term relationship. Wow I never knew that I could make Tinder sound so philosophical haha.

And the biggest reason why Tinder is bad for your love life…

Even after everything I have said above, and all the time wasters, the cheats, the players, and even though I have been off the app for over a month; I know that it won’t be long before I am back on Tinder, swiping away in a frivolous session that will only end once my phone runs out of battery or my finger gets tired from swiping. Maybe it’s too late for our generation and we must all succumb to the reality that Tinder and online dating is the way of the future. Times have changed and unfortunately I feel that we will all have to fit into the online dating world, or fear being left behind.

Okay so it’s not that bad, but have some fun with it and be sensible!

So we all know that it won’t be long before I’m back on tinder, but I hope that this time I go back on – that I can make changes to be more faithful and spend my time searching only for what I am actually looking for. If we are to get our love life back on track, I think we need to be sensible to ourselves with how we use Tinder. Maybe we should have to pass a test to get a Tinder license before we can swipe away? Don’t be silly Stef, no one would pass that test. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog – just fill in your email address into the form on this page and you will stay up to date each time I upload a post to improve our mental health (and hopefully our dating game!)

About the author – Stef – Mental Health Advocate

I write about mental health, living a positive life and wellness. I often drift off on to topics like Tinder… Overall my duty is to help people love their mental health. So follow the blog if you want more, or check out my Instagram for regular mental health and wellness tips. Click here to go to my insta and don’t forget to click follow!

Here is the link to his blog: https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/135747605/posts/212

#IBD4U

Noodle #44

I must be stupid because not only am I working full time in a very difficult, time consuming job that requires me to travel, I am also studying law part time but I also sign up to upgrade a certificate 4 that I have that has been superseded. I am now basically studying full time as well as trying to fit in the gym, my friends, my family & Noodle. I decide that to get the course done for my certificate that I need some time off. I also hope that I will see Noodle, but I don’t see him for another week since we had lunch together – the day I was crying like an idiot, trying to end it. Our conversations have been horrible, but it’s stuff I think we need to say. I know you all think I don’t think about her feelings, but I think about her more than you know. More than I tell you… One of my biggest fears when I do get in a proper relationship is that I will be cheated on & refuse to believe it. I do think of her, trust me. & I fucking hate how far this has come with him…

Noodle did say we wouldn’t fuck as much or speak as much, so maybe Noodle he’s just following through on that by not coming back online at night, saying he fell asleep or not being online at all during the day. When he used to sneak a message into me when he was in the toilet or when he was picking his son up. Now I just have radio silence for hours. Is he trying to pull away after our conversations? Is he trying to piss me off so that I end it? Lucky I’m not a crazy lunatic that would go to his house & tell his partner everything. As much as I wish I was that nuts, I am never going to do that & he trusts me to not do that, just as I trust he’ll never let her know who I am if she was to find out about this affair.

He says that his partner is going to be induced this Friday & she’ll be in hospital overnight on Saturday with the baby, he won’t have his son so he wants me to come over, he wants to fuck me at his house again. I ask why he isn’t staying at the hospital but he says they don’t have beds for partners in the public hospital & he’s arranged for his son to be at one of their parents houses. This is not a good idea but I can’t resist. I can’t fucking resist… I am a horrible person, don’t think I am proud of even thinking about this.

I spend all day Saturday putting in stupid cheap ass hair extensions, doing my makeup & I’m putting on the nurses outfit that he gave me for Christmas, the super high red heels that I bought, big hoop earrings (that I consider leaving one behind for her to find… However I’m not like that either. I wish I was sometimes! That would end all this bullshit once & for all.) & I’m going to meet him at his front door with a stethoscope & ask him if he called a nurse. But when he messages me to say his partner has been sent home, he apologises profusely. I’m surprised he didn’t just log off & ignore me like he usually would, or like Rob Rob would do, he does try to message me & when she goes to bed, he spends a lot of time telling me how much he wanted to see me tonight. I send him a picture of how good I look & he sends me a picture of his hard cock. But I’m deflated & so I take out the hair extensions & wiping off the make up like Bridget Jones when she ‘goes home to de-bunny’ when she peels off the eyelashes. I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m such a fool.

Sunday he messages to tell me that they have had a healthy baby girl, but doesn’t tell me her name. I ask if everything went well & if his partner is ok, which she is – I don’t wish her ill, I just wish she’d break up with Noodle (since he won’t leave her) so I can have him. Hahaha. I don’t ask what the baby’s name is because I figure if he wanted me to know he’d offer that info. It’s weird he doesn’t tell me when he told me the baby was born, this guy is my best friend right? Why wouldn’t he tell me the name of his child? I mean it took months for him to tell me his son’s name, but this is now a year later, I’m sure we’re close enough that he can tell me her name? Plus he says they’re the reason he won’t leave, but he doesn’t ever really talk about them!

He says that he has his son tonight but he wants me to come over anyway when he’s asleep. Of course I’ve been at his house when his son was there before but I still feel a little weird about it, so I abandon the nurse idea, not only because his son is there but I feel foolish for making a big deal about it yesterday that I can’t make a big deal today. So I just opt for jeans & a singlet – Noodles most hated outfit for me. I don’t do that on purpose & not that he notices but that’s all I could feel comfortable in today.

Noodle kisses me instantly as I walk in the door, undressing me in the doorway before leading me into his bedroom, their bedroom. I’ve never been in there before obviously, last time I was here, we stayed in the lounge room & just had sex on their couch – they haven’t got the new one yet or I’d suggest we christen it. I don’t get much time to survey the room before I am on the bed which is just covered in a sheet, no quilt or pillows before Noodle pushed me on the bed, telling me that the sheets are clean (well I fucking hope so.) We have sex, but Noodle spends a lot of time just lying on top of me kissing me. I fucking love this. Fuck it’s been so long since we were in a bed, it feels so good to have him just lying on top of me, kissing me so sensually. It’s the longest time we’ve had together in ages, there’s no rush, we won’t get interrupted, I don’t think about where I am, our hands are everywhere, it feels like this is how it should be all the time. Slow & sensual, not rushed fucking in the backseat, we usually get with each other. Noodle doesn’t take off my panties, using them to pull up against my clit to get me off, he loves doing that, pushing them aside to fuck me, I’m not sure if guys do this because they also like the feel or like the look or are just keen to stick their dick in. But it always makes me feel sexy when he fucks me without taking my panties off.

Laying there with Noodle afterwards, there is no rush, he gets up to get us a drink & I finally look around while he’s gone. They have a lot of stuffed toys stacked in the corner – that seem to go halfway up the wall. I didn’t picture her as a little, but I guess maybe she is?! Their room is quite full of crap, just like the rest of their house, there is a ironing board right in front of 2 doors that go off their bedroom, assuming one is the walk in robe & one is the bathroom. I lay there thinking I am the worst type of human right now when he walks back in & gives me a drink of water, looking at me with a look that can only be described as love. I give you permission to vomit. Hahaha.

He lays on top of me again, kissing me, I love feeling his weight on me, his manly sexy body taking over mine. He slips his hand under my panties & makes me cum so easily, like I can’t even understand how he can do it quicker than I can do it to myself. He sits up & slips my panties off me but rubs them against me, I am not sure what he has planned but he is fingering me, I feel something else, what does he have? He’s using my panties almost covering his fingers sliding inside me. Fucking hell that is hot. He gets me off again, using my lacy panties inside me. He tells me after that he’s never done that before but just felt like it would be hot. & fuck it was, I haven’t had anyone do that to me before either. I love when he thinks of things like that that surprise me, he thinks I’m so super experienced in kink but really, I am just as new to it as he is. I sometimes think that we’ve done everything, that we’ll get boring but then we do something & I’m reminded that we have so much more to explore.

He lays down next to me & we cuddle. Fuck I have missed cuddling this guy – in a bed. His hands run all over my skin when he moves his hand to my neck… He squeezes it gently & it kind of makes me make this weird noise that makes him do it again, I start squirming against him as he does it over & over, taking his hand away but then bringing it back to squeeze my neck. We’ve talked about choking & how I want to try it but am a little scared, but as he starts to do it, I am moaning & without actually begging him with words, my body is begging him for me, which spurs him on. I trust him & I know he will go slow & react as my body reacts. He sits up again, holding me down my throat as he slips his other fingers inside me, making me squirt like he hasn’t done before with his fingers. I am spray squirting & cumming so much that I am concerned about how wet his bed is getting. I am feeling like I should be more quiet than I am considering where I am. We lay there again after I’ve cum, this time I’m lying on my back, Noodle is next to me, I am enjoying this long slow session with him, it’s hot & sexy, even though I can’t really believe where I am right now. I decide that I am going to suck his cock, something I do pretty much every time we fuck anyway, but this time I can use both hands & lay comfortably. At one point, I remember vividly, him saying “OMG what are you doing #IBD4U” & I almost stop because he never says my name to my face & I am not sure if it was because he isn’t enjoying it but he cums pretty quickly in my mouth that I realise I have just given him the best blow job he’s ever had. Which is what he says when he opens his eyes again. Hahaha.

We lay there hugging & talking, he says that he wants to ask me to stay the night. OMG, I want to so badly. I would love nothing more than to spend the night in his arms, set an alarm for early in the morning, have sex again & sneak out. There is nothing I want more, he knows this is my ultimate fantasy, it’s the thing I want more than anything out of every sexual fantasy that I have, the only one I want is to sleep next to Noodle all night. I tell him that we shouldn’t & he says a disappointed ‘yeah’, but he knows that I am right to say no. Even though I am dying for this fantasy. Absolutely dying. I am dreading getting up & walking away from him right now knowing he wants me to stay. But I do, I get up & get dressed, hating myself for not taking up on his offer, however I know this is the right decision. Sleeping over is really crossing a line…

Noodle killing me bother me.png

The next day Noodle & I don’t talk a lot obviously as he’s down at the hospital early & picking up his partner & baby (that I still don’t know her name). It’s starts to make me think of how Boyfriend said to me when he was leaving me that I didn’t know him at all. I always thought that Noodle & I were best friends, I feel like I know everything about him but he is keeping this detail from me. I don’t know why it is bothering me but it is. Am I being pathetic?

I decide to just ask him, for fuck sake, if he won’t tell me maybe it’s because he thinks I am not interested. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so maybe he thinks I don’t care about his kids. Which isn’t true, I mean I have always asked about his son, probed him for months to find out his name & ask questions about him. I always think about his son playing with my nephews, who are all the same age. Now he has a daughter about a year younger than my nieces. I can imagine them all playing together when they come over my house. This is a little ridiculous but I think that his little family will be in mine someday. A hybrid family with his kids.

I ask him what his daughters name is & when he tells me, I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says that he was dying to tell me but didn’t want to seem like a loser. I can’t even believe that he would think I could ever think he was a loser at this point. He says that it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that he’s told me her name. I actually want to hug him so badly right now. I do struggle though to believe that the kids are his number one reason for not wanting to leave her when he doesn’t even fucking tell me their names! I also struggle to believe that I am his best friend when he doesn’t even want to tell me their names or send me a picture. It’s not like I’m a weirdo predator, I want to see him with them, I want to see what his life is like outside of me. It’s like he’s trying to keep me separate from his life. Maybe he’s smart to do that…

#IBD4U