Cowboy

Noodle hated Cowboy, he was banned from every group Noodle was in & that he was admin in because of some rivalry, I’m not sure what it was – I don’t understand men. (Clearly) I do know very well that Noodle was jealous of any guy that talked to me or showed interest in me, any guy who asked to private message me, or any guy that flirted with me in the group. Noodle would come in & basically piss around me marking his territory but this was next level. I got along quite well with Cowboy in the beginning but he was a bit of a dick towards then end just before he was banned from everything. I hated Cowboy just because he made Noodle so jealous & then I had to deal with it – Calm him down, stroke Noodle’s ego for ages to make sure he realised that I only wanted him. I hadn’t fucked anyone new in months & had stopped private messaging other men because I knew it upset Noodle. I know Noodle has his partner that he goes home to every night & is fucking on a weekly basis, but I hated that I had fucked Orbit & kissed T-bone when I thought I was this loyal person, just like my star sign, a Leo.

I always got along with Cowboy, I didn’t think he was that bad, in fact before I even met Noodle in person, I was in Port Pirie for work & was supposed to meet Cowboy for a drink, however he never messaged me & I was chatting to other men at the time so I didn’t bother since he lived out that way, so he wasn’t going to be anything anyway. Also I knew that Noodle would be back online soon & I would miss chatting to him if I was out with Cowboy. What a fucking idiot, I am.

I spent the following weeks after it ended with Noodle chatting to everyone on the chat app, I tried not to talk about him, but everyone knew we were together now – after his outburst, so I always ended up talking about him to people on the chat app. Mainly about how shit I feel for things he’s said, I actually spend more time defending him & justifying why he did what he did. I mean I still justify it… I can’t help it. Probably because I am still stupidly in love with him & had hopes that he will come back to me when things did go to shit with his partner.

Cowboy begs me for Noodle’s new user name on the chat app & his partners username so he could send a screenshot of Noodle telling the group that he used to fuck the shit out of me. Wow that would be such an easy way to get what I want! Or would it? It wouldn’t come from me at all, she would get a copy of a screenshot of the chat, a group I wasn’t in & it would have nothing to do with me. My hands would be clean… Or would they? I mean I would have to pass on the info I know to Cowboy, which could also be screenshotted & used against me. It’s not a good idea!

I do come so close to telling Cowboy, so many times. Especially when Noodle is boasting about their sex life to me. But my conscience always stops me. I could easily ruin things for both of everyone here. Including me…! But again, I’m not like that… Fuck sometimes I wish I was, because you know what, I doubt that his partner wouldn’t hesitate to throw me under the bus if she could… That would be so easy, because I would be out of the equation, I guess. But it wouldn’t get me what I want – or would only get me what I want for a short time till Noodle found out I took part in the deception. I mean what do I want? Do I really want Noodle at this point? He’s a liar, I know that, he’s hurt me worse than I thought anyone could hurt me… He’s treated me with disrespect, someone that I thought I could trust & loved me. Lets face it, she is never going to let Noodle go & he’s not strong enough to walk away, so I just have to be the one that walks away, even though it hurts with every single fucking heartbeat.

I’m back in Port Pirie for work, Cowboy says he’s there too, it’s only been a few weeks since Noodle & I ended, I’m dying that we’re not talking at all – he hasn’t replied to my messages on his new chat app account, even tried to get his attention via text message. I tried to contact him & get no response. I’m only meeting Cowboy because I am so hurt & I want to hurt Noodle, if he ever finds out, he will hate me for it. What a stupid fucking reason to meet this guy… FUCK.

I am a little early for the coffee date, so when I pull into the Maccas carpark to meet Cowboy face to face for the first time, I look at every app but with no new notifications, while bored & looking at my phone, I decide to just quickly look at my junk emails, clean them out & I see three, yes three fucking emails from Noodle! FUCK… Why the fuck are they going to my junk mail? I have emailed him before, shouldn’t my email account know who’s junk & who’s someone I email?! Mother fucker.

The first one is in response to why he hasn’t been on his old chat app account & why he’s not replying on his new one to me – ‘Hey wife is poking around chat app, not trying to message you, will chat when I can.’ & then hours later after I text him he says ‘Hey please don’t message my phone thanks, I’ll return your keys next weekend if you want to meet up for lunch, don’t want to lose you as a friend, Noodle.’ & there is a super long one in response to my goodbye email – finally (Which I will discuss in a specific Noodle Post – Yes there are going to be more! -When will I shake this man?). I read them all several times before going in for coffee with Cowboy. I send a quick reply “Sorry, all your emails went to my junk box. I can meet you for lunch this weekend? Was going to just pop into your work & get them…” He doesn’t know that I did pop into his work after the psychic fair, but I was planning to pop in again, it’s doing my head in that he’s got my keys still & I hear cars pull up & I think it’s Noodle. I can’t stop looking out the window. At least once I have my keys back, it’ll finally be over. I wonder if he told her that he had my house keys?

I actually just want to curl up in a ball & cry. Finally he’s going to meet me so I can get my keys back, maybe I can get some answers, maybe I can change his mind & perhaps get him to see my side of the story & be with me? But first I have to meet Cowboy for this coffee then go to work & drive the 3 hours home. My tummy is in knots, I walk into maccas & see Cowboy (as he’s got a cowboy hat on) standing out the front so I walk up to him & say hey, but he’s on the phone. He nods at me then we walk into maccas, we order coffees (me a lactose free hot choc) & sit down at a table.

Cowboy & I talk easily, I find him attractive, he’s pretty short though, like my height & it makes me miss Noodles 6’1 stature. I mean if I wore heels with Cowboy I’d be towering over him. I enjoy the conversation, however it’s mainly about Noodle – I’m not sure why I can’t keep my mouth shut but I can’t, I don’t go into the whole story but I do overshare. Cowboy again begs for their user names on the chat app & do you know what, if it wasn’t for finding those emails from Noodle prior to going into the coffee date, I’m not sure I would’ve been able to restrain, being Noodle’s just cut me out of his life like that so easily – again, fuck men are so lucky I’m not crazy & that think before I do things!

I was thinking seriously about showing Cowboy Noodle’s new user name, I didn’t want to put it in writing in case Cowboy screenshotted it & saved it for blackmail, so I was toying with the idea of telling him – then I would be completely out of the equation. I’m so glad I didn’t, I mean I’m only human to have these thoughts, but again like I said, it’s never going to get me what I want. Not that I even know what I want at this point! Lets be honest, I say I want Noodle, but what kind of life would we have now?

At the end of the coffee I hug Cowboy goodbye, I feel shit for him because I’ve talked of nothing but Noodle, as if he’s going to want to see me again nor will he probably talk to me again! Lucky that Cowboy lives out here in the middle of nowhere, I don’t need to ever see him again, I guess.

#IBD4U