Month: Apr 2026

August 2025 – Vicious Circle

25 August 2025 – Being that we left it good & I felt good about the weekend, I had put in the effort that J-Lo said I should. I didn’t hate it either. But I made an actual over the top effort to be nice, not say anything bitchy, not look pissed off… So I don’t want to message him first, Phoenix even said so himself, we left things good last night so do you know what, if he wants to go back to full days of not talking, then so be it… He looked at my story at 11:30am… & doesn’t message me, fucking cunt… He’s online but keeping his distance… I am beyond angry now, I am just fucking gutted. He’s online & chatting to all his other women he said he has on there, clearly… This man only a few months ago told me that he wants to chat to me as much as he can & he even had a go at me for not telling him I could see him because he wants to see me as much as he can, now he’s online looking at my story & not messaging me?! I know she doesn’t start work until 12:00pm, so he usually doesn’t talk to me till she leaves around 11:00-11:30am anyway, so he’s come online when she left but gave me nothing. Okay then.

I am feeling shit not only about him but work too, I have started a new job & I have been asked to make some changes, I’ve implemented them, had several team meetings but got resistance the whole way along. I held a meeting this morning which was supposed to be an hour but went half an hour over because someone doesn’t want the files to move, but everyone else was on board. So I left the meeting defeated.

I feel defeated with Phoenix. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if I can keep putting in that type of effort to get nothing back. He’s told me he backs away to protect himself, so I have been doing the same, but this weekend I have really put in effort, much to my disgust, I didn’t want to show any vulnerability to him but I’ve had too & now I’m getting nothing back. It’s a vicious circle. But he is pulling away & I don’t know why… He says there is nothing besides how tired & how much he’s working, but yet he was working as much before, doing his Facebook crap & messaging me all the time. Saying things to make me feel special without even trying. Now I just feel like an obligation, a burden, someone he tolerates. I feel awful & I am like a battered wife I guess, I keep coming back for more & then blame myself for showing my feelings.

At 1:50pm he asks how my day is going. I say it’s going ok & he says his is average “I was putting my hard rubbish out this morning and scratched myself with rusty nails haha. Been about 7 years since I had tetanus so had tto go to the docs. Ducking annoying.” He says that he didn’t actually need the shot, wasted his day & was freaking out about the needle… I wish he talked to me this morning about it, no doubt she didn’t go with him because she starts work at 12:00pm on Mondays & can only call in sick when her Wegovy makes her sick, not for supporting her husband…

We talk sporadically about work & him making tuna mornay for the kids for dinner, I say it’s lucky he was super busy today because he would have got a boring work story if we called today. He says that he did chat a bit – which is not true, but anyway, he says goodnight before 9:00pm, I can’ t help when a little crazy comes out when I am trying so hard for it not to be “I don’t know your schedule so I wait for you to message or see me, just as it always was…  Like you didn’t want to go back too, but have… Night.” And just like that, two petals float to the floor…

---

26 August 2025 – Finally at 10:15am he messages – probably logged on for hours & he says “Good morning sexy lady.” He asks how I am & I say lost, he asks why, “Don’t know what’s happening with you. Don’t know what to do at work.” He asks if I want a phone call today & I say yes. No one is at the office that matter today, we talk about work as I walk & when I get back to the office about to say goodbye we bring up the relationship & we talk for two hours about what is going on. We resolve nothing, we just go around in circles. I ask for communication & he just says he can’t chat to me as much as I want. I say I never asked for that & he says he’s a busy person. Round & round we go.

I try to understand what he does on a Friday that stops him from messaging me at all, when he used too. I ask why he can’t message me in the shower, he says he always showers around 7:00pm & she is in the bedroom & they don’t shut the door & she can see him in the shower, vice versa, she can see him when she’s in the shower. I just don’t get it, every Friday they have the same routine? Not sitting in the lounge room with their kids after dinner – the kids he stayed for but Phoenix & his wife sit & watch each other in the shower while their kids are alone? He says that he never plays with his phone around her because she knows the signs to look for with cheating. I get that, but he cooks dinner, I know what their house looks like, their kitchen is separate to the lounge, she is not watching him every fucking minute of the day. Like the day he went to mow the lawns but didn’t think to message me while outside away from her – he doesn’t have my blog in his head anynore, so he just doesn’t think of me at all.

After the call, I don’t know if things are better or not, I don’t think he can change, I don’t think he really loves me, I think he loves the idea of me… The sex we have, but me personally I don’t think he loves me, I am not sure he’s capable of loving anyone else but himself… But I restore our snapstreak again which expired today 139 days… “I want a snapchat streak with you…. 🥰” He then says, “One way I tried really hard with you …. 😐” I mean I was restoring it too, so I’m not sure why that’s him trying really hard… He restored it twice after he let it lapse… So that’s not what I call trying hard but sure thing. “I did appreciate that & you restoring it, was one of the ways you showed me you cared about me.“ & he says, “Well I do care just not good at showing it.” I know that he is not the best at showing it, but he did, he did show it, so much so that I thought that we were actually boyfriend & girlfriend, but if I reflect on it, that was about the time that this went south… If you look back, as soon as I said it, even though he agreed, he started pulling away. I really let my guard down & he really pulled back.

Contrary to what he thinks, “I don’t want to get grumpy, I’m just not good at controlling my feelings when people don’t do what I expect. It’s not about criticising what you do do, it’s just I expect things to say the same so I get pissed when they change… I like change but not when it means less if my best friend / boyfriend. If you still want to be either…” & he says, “I still do.” Wow don’t strain yourself there Phoenix, making me feel like you actually believe those words…

He goes offline & I share this song… He says he’ll give it a listen but I don’t know if he ever does… Love is the death of peace of mind – I said I love you & then I lost my peace of mind & he took me for granted…

Bad Omens – Death of Peace of Mind

I made another mistake, thought I could change
Thought I could make it out
Promises break, need to hear you say
You’re gonna keep it now

I miss the way you say my name
The way you bend, the way you break
Your makeup running down your face
The way you touch, the way you taste

When the curtains call the time
Will we both go home alive?
It wasn’t hard to realize
Love’s the death of peace of mind

You’re in the walls that I made with crosses and frames
Hanging upside down
For granted, in vain, I took everything
I ever cared about

I miss the way you say my name
The way you bend, the way you break
Your makeup running down your face
The way you fuck, the way you taste

When the curtains call the time
Will we both go home alive?
It wasn’t hard to realize
Love’s the death of peace of mind

When the curtains call the time
Will we both be satisfied?
It wasn’t hard to realize
Love’s the death of peace of mind
Love’s the death of peace of mind

You come and go in waves
Leaving me in your wake
You come and go in waves
Swallowing everything
Are you satisfied?
Love’s the death of peace of mind
Mind, mind

When the curtains call the time
Will we both go home alive?
It wasn’t hard to realize
Love’s the death of peace of mind

When the curtains call the time
Will we both be satisfied?
It wasn’t hard to realize
Love’s the death of peace of mind
Love’s the death of peace of mind

Love’s the death of peace of mind

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Joakim Oskar Patrik Karlsson / Noah Sebastian Davis

THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND lyrics © Tigris Music Llc

---

27 August 2025 – I sent him a snap last night of my almost dead birthday flowers, much like our relationship, dying in front of my eyes… Wow that analogy about the Beasts rose was never more real! He says that flowers don’t last forever. I also noticed last night that he deleted the Handmaids tale from his plex account, he says that he thought I had finished watching it. I delete his plex from my TV… Every time I have asked him to download something anyway, he’s made it seem like it was such a big chore, I won’t ask him to do anything for me ever again… No wonder I’m so independent, when Phoenix makes eveything I ask seem like a giant hassle!

I ask if he is free for a call & he just says “yeah I am” & I say don’t be too excited. But we call & chat for my break. I ask if he has listened to the song & he says that he loves that song… I also ask him, despite what I literally just said about his plex – but it comes out my mouth before I think, that he can download the Michael Moore documentaries for me, “Why do want to watch Micheal more docos lol. There is sooo many docos on YouTube these days. Ill download it when I get some time. I feel like some of his docos would be outdated by now.” I have instant regret asking him to do it… ‘when he gets time’ like he’s so fucking busy, today he sent a snap of him playing video games at his computer, just search the doco, click download & play your game… Considering he was the one who offered a number of times, he makes me feel like I am asking for the world when I ask him to download something… I never ask anything of anyone, in fact I could probably download them myself, I just haven’t downloaded in years, but I liked him doing it for me & thinking about him doing it without being asked & doing it without saying anything to me, just waited for me to find it on his account. Three petals hang from the rose, drifting one by one to the floor…

---

28 August 2025 – Today I am working from home, I don’t get to do it much & I wasn’t even going to tell Phoenix because things have been so weird & even though he’s told me that he wants to see me whenever he can & talk to me whenever he can, he’s been pulling away, saying that it’s because I’m always grumpy & critising him. So basically, I can’t be anything but a fuck buddy around him or he pulls away more making things worse.

We had a two hour conversation while I was at work this week, an hour conversation another day & I think things will be better. He seems to understand where I am coming from, I am making an effort so he will too. But truly, I am holding back any feelings & trying to just go with the flow, I’m clearly not doing a good job but I haven’t ever had someone spout their love to me so much then turn around & say they are to busy to even message me.

I can’t fucking stand him saying how busy he is. He works part time, which is five minutes away from his home, he does all the cooking, cleaning & washing – yes he does it for four people, I only do it for one but he’s done that the whole time I’ve known him. I also have my lash business, work full time with an hour away in a job that’s comes home with me most days – so the fact he says he’s so busy just pisses me off, considering he made time for me before & now he doesn’t. The other thing I have noticed, is that he’s posting way less on his FB page, from like 6-8 posts a day to 2-3 max – so what is he so busy doing?!

I said to him last night not to worry about downloading that I understand how busy he is, I put a smiley face so he knows that I am not angry, he says this morning “Sorry I am busy person these days …” Really? Doing what? He’s been painting & his FB page but adding both of those do not even add up to a full time job with a commute. I try to be nonchalant & say “Yeah I know. I don’t want to cause you to be more busy, so do what you got to do & fit me in when you can! 😊” I don’t want to be an obligation or something that he has to do or has to talk to me. He tries to be cheeky “I like to fit in you.” I smile knowing, I have to keep it light or he’ll be pissed & he’s coming to see me today, “Well, I don’t want you to not do the things you like or housework because of me.” Because I don’t want to be the reason again that he gives up what he likes doing like he said he did before, but I want him to factor me in. “As much as it frustrates you sometimes I do need to adult sometimes and I know you understand.” Did he mean to say that I don’t understand?I don’t think he understands my frustration at all, I am not frustrated because he is so busy, I am frustrated because he doesn’t tell me what he is doing, so when he doesn’t log on for 23 hours & now sometimes even longer than that, I don’t sit here catastrophising everything, or thinking about him fucking her all day. I respond “I’m not going into it again, that’s not what frustrates me… You do what you need to do.” & he reads it & doesn’t reply. Have I pissed him off? Great. I was trying to diffuse the situation & use his line on him about doing what you need to do.

At about 11:50am, I put on the air fryer & put the chicken patties for our burgers in there to cook. I go back to work at my desk & at 12:01pm, he messages, I expect it to say that he’s on his way, but as I am picking up my phone I get a feeling, a bad gut feeling & my feeling is right “Im going to have to cancel today sorry” Fuck you. At least I got a sorry this time, but I burst into heaving tears immediately. Errr what the fuck is with the tears?! I am shaking, I am so hurt. He just really doesn’t care now at all, he said he would never bail. He’s pissed off at me so he’s bailing. I don’t get to work from home very often & have no clue of his schedule, this is a wasted opportunity & I am really at his mercy here. I have a few options, I read it & don’t initially reply, which I am thankful for, waiting for him to call or message again explaining why. Maybe something happened – but how ironic that it happened at exactly 12:00pm when he is finishing work & coming over…

I walk into the kitchen, crying, unable to see & think I can be bitchy & say fuck you or goodnight or something, I could just ask why or I could just be sweet like J-Lo told me to be & so I say, “I made you lunch 🥺” with a crying face. I expect for him not to even read it, usually when he bails, he’ll bail & then delete the app instantly, like it’s burning a hole in his phone, but he asks what I made for lunch & he says, “Maybe I’ll see you super quick”. He then calls me & I try to hide the fact I am crying… I assume he’s going to be about 20 minutes but he arrives in 10 minutes, so where the fuck was he going if he was only 10 mins away? I’ve made his lunch so he walks in & kisses me then starts eating, telling me it’s yum & that he can’t be long as his wife has gone home sick – how that woman has any sick leave is beyond me. What annoys me is, I’m certain she was home earlier & instead of being a man & telling me what’s happening, he had to just say he’s cancelling & give me nothing else… I ask how he’s getting away with this then now & he says that he was planning on getting his hair cut anyway so he can’t stay long.

So a couple of things, if he had to bail because she has gone home why not just tell me that, he knows I am an overthinker, he has read all about it on here now, all the stupid thoughts that I have when he doesn’t come back online, yet it doesn’t occur to him to reassure me that it’s not got anything to do with how weird things are between us & why not call me to bail, he knows I am home, he knows I am able to chat so why not call me to talk while he drives home at least, even for that five minute drive? He used too, but of course, he’s now too busy in that five minute drive to call me. I’m sure he’d find a way to blame the roadworks or his Bluetooth….

So when we kiss, I kiss him back & we go into the kitchen while he is eating. I just sit on the bench not thinking much of it & he stands between my legs & we kiss a bit more & he puts his hands between my legs & his face lights up when he realises I have no panties on, he puts down the one bite that he has left of his burger & fingers me. He fingers me hard that it hurts a bit, so I pull away a little as it really isn’t good, it’s too rushed & rough. Not rough in a good way! But this is his sign to pull his pants down & fuck me on the kitchen bench, I’m barely even wet. He pulls out of me so fast & says that he’s going to cum, to stop himself, he pushes my legs apart & goes down on me, then goes back to fingering me. He pulls me down off the bench & we kiss more, him pushing me against the counter. He fingers me again, this time it’s better while sucking on my nipple, one leg up on the counter & his hand behind my back that as I start cumming I get heavier in his arms & lean back against him. One thing I’ve noticed, maybe he’s always done it but it’s happening more & more, is my orgasms can last a few seconds, but as soon as he feels me start to cum, he’ll stop whatever he’s doing, like he thinks I cum for one second… He could literally make the orgasm go to the next level & a bit better by going a few extra seconds.

I jump up on the bench & we fuck, he fucks me hard, with minimal kissing. I lean back & he sucks my nipples before he grabs my hair really tight & I know he’s about to cum. When he cums, he pulls out instantly as usual, never being inside me for longer than a split seconds after he’s cum, he walks away & starts taking off his socks saying he’s going to have a shower. I am still laying sprawled out on the bench, he doesn’t bother to help me up – not that I need help, but could I feel more like a hooker? He just leaves me there. He comes over to kiss me swiftly, as he’s pacing & walks off again. I hear the shower turn on & he gets in. I know he doesn’t have much time but fucking hell, he said he wouldn’t wham bam thank you mam with me, I mean all he had to do was pull me up & give me a quick cuddle.

We’ve had this type of scenario before where ‘He doesn’t have much time’ but it’s been because I’ve egged him on to come fuck me when it’s risky early one Sunday morning back in the beginning of V2.0. But today I had just been crying, about him, the way he’s been treating me & this just sums up the last few weeks. I mean absolutely fucking nothing to him. I have been putting in so much effort to make things right, hiding any anger or holding my sadness back so he doesn’t see, – maybe I haven’t done a good job, because god forbid I show some emotion, he’ll double down & pull away. But this proves what I have been trying to avoid. I mean nothing to him. Why am I still in this? A petal precariously close to dropping off…

He showers & is dressed within 15 minutes of being at my house, he has eaten a burger, fucked me & showered, then he’s grabbing his keys & walking to the front door, it’s like a last minute thought to kiss me goodbye, I say see ya with a peck on the lips, not walking with him to the door for another kiss, I’m afraid I’m going to sob, but he turns back, coming back around the corner, grabbing me tightly, looking right into my eyes & says, “I do love you”, I smirk & say, “that’s good to know”, he kisses me quickly again & he’s gone. I didn’t know it then, but it’s the last time Phoenix ever steps foot in my house, it only took 15 minutes to destroy six months of this version of our affair. Even with that last declaration that I’ve needed so desperately to hear, there are only a few petals remaining…

#IBD4U

August 2025 – Heart Attack

20 August 2025 – I am going to be stubborn & not write to him first, he will chat when he can… We all know how well that went years ago when he said that to me then told me later when we did reconnect, because of me – not him, that I never wrote back to it so he didn’t ever message me ever again! I know he will hate this, but chances of him reading are slim, but I am chatting to J-Lo about what’s happening with Phoenix & J-Lo tells me to message him, try & call him… So I message – I don’t know what I message I write because I delete both messages when he doesn’t answer my call or message me, I don’t think they were bitchy so I don’t know why I delete them. I don’t even know if he’s online – assuming he wasn’t… So I send, “Ok then, chat tomorrow?” & he never reads it… Another day since starting this that we don’t talk, so much for missing me & literally saying yesterday that he didn’t want to fuck me off & doesn’t want to go back to how we were.

I told you it wouldn’t last, didn’t I?! Every time he treats me poorly, a little peice of my connection with him dies… Like the Beasts rose in the west wing with petals slowly dropping every day, our connection is wilting & with it, my feelings for him…

---

21 August 2025 – He logs on the next day & says “What did you delete haha? I was stuck at work all day yesterday and stuck on tills and couldn’t chat much.” Much? He didn’t chat at all… I can’t help it, I say, “Not even hello? Yet, you didn’t want to go back to how we were…” But I’m going for a more melancholy tone than bitchy, he says that he thought this was what I wanted… No I didn’t want to cut you out of my life all together, “No, I gave you an out, you said you didn’t want it then ignore me… I’m trying because you said you didn’t want to go back to how we were…” He says, “I’m confused …. but I don’t want to keep upsetting you every week. But hello 😜” I don’t want that either… “Well, you don’t want to be vulnerable to me anymore for some reason & because you don’t, I feel like you don’t even like me, let alone love me & I feel like I’m bugging you, so I back off, so you back off further… “ He was so vulnerable when he started this, he literally put all his cards on the table, took a big risk & now doesn’t care about what happens to us? “You never bug me unless you are getting angry and frustrated at me .” I feel like I can’t show any emotion to him at all, because when I do, he pulls back & makes it worse, when all he has to do is say something like ‘I miss you’ but he doesn’t… We do talk on the phone today, It is a lot better but still strained… I am taking J-Lo’s advice that Phoenix is going through something & I need to just be there for him…

I ask Phoenix if he is working this weekend & ask to come see him for a hug. I never asks & he said a while ago he hates being the one that has to ask all the time. I offer up different times & he says he can’t be long – since when has it ever been more than his 30 minute break? This pisses me off, I finally ask to see him & he can’t commit, so I say, “You can just say no.” Why does he have to make he it seems like I asked for his first born child, I just asked him to stay an hour after work to see me. I say goodnight & that I hope he’ll find time tomorrow to at least say hello, he says he’ll try but can’t guarantee anything. Why is he being such a cunt when he literally said he doesn’t want to fuck me off? A petal from the rose drifts slowly to the floor…

---

22 August 2025 – It’s Friday, he doesn’t log on at all… So again, I take J-Lo’s advice & I message Phoenix all day, including sending two pictures one of me in lingerie because I’ve lost 6kgs & feeling better about myself finally, “Good morning buttercup! Yummy lunch… Becoming a staple in my diet. Already got my first excuse to my new filing system… “ I’d told him about the new filing system because I wanted his thoughts on it & he’d agreed with me, “Apparently PHD can’t find anything, he said it was in the dept folder…. I said it’s all still there, just in a folder called the deot name & then the folder inside is the exact folder you had in a random bids folder…. Like I didn’t move the data inside the folder, it’s all sorted as it was… He was like but how do we know what’s in progress… Well you use the CRM, not use the files to sort out what’s in progress…” Later that night I am still talking to myself, getting more & more deflated… As if I could possible be hurt by the man anymore, but here we are, he may as well be stabbing me, “I went to the dog park after work for a walk, had another fro pro pie for dinner. Now watching a movie…”  When I finish the movie, it’s time for a sleepless night… I am supposed to see him this weekend, but I think I’ve really fucked it up this time… “Guess I’ve really pushed you away if you’ve now not come online 3 days this week… So I’ll say nighty night baby cakes, hope you’ll message tomorrow & I can come see you for your first break. Night xxx.” Reading back in this, I am so stupid, this isn’t love. This isn’t even friendship… Another rose petal falls…

---

23 August 2025 – He messages me at 6:20am, I know he’s been up for hours & I know he’s been at work for a while so I try not to let that bother me… I said it before but when I look back at this I know I seem  a little unhinged, but when you’re in it & being disrespected every fucking day, it’s hard not to react at how you’re being treated, when you were told the complete opposite.

I suggest that I come to see him today for his break, we have got tomorrow planned but we need some more damage control… I don’t know what else to do… but he says, “My breaks are so hard to predict with this shitty cost cutting roster.” They were always hard to predict but he did it & I came to see him, every fucking weekend… Why is it so different now?! But I take heated lasagna to his work, like the fuckwit that I am but maybe he’ll see how hard I am trying & how little effort he’s putting in… We sit chatting like normal, tension yes but more relaxed than it has been that we kiss & hug a bit today too… I tell him that I was accepted into the Christmas Pageant again this year & it surprises him that I am into that. This will be my second year doing it. When he goes back to work, he sends, “Thanks for seeing me pretty pagent lady.”

Ironically – or maybe not ironic, but bloody obvious, because things were better face to face, he messages a lot more this afternoon, mainly about food & how hungry he’ll be tonight when he gets home. But he replies consistently… I take the conversation to sex & how much I want him to fuck me, because that will keep him chatting also, which it does… Until he says that he has to go , so I say “Night. See you tomorrow fuck buddy! Xxx” That is what he is, he is a fuck buddy, this isn’t love… This isn’t a relationship, this isn’t a boyfriend, this isn’t friendship, this is fuck buddy territory again. Another petal wilts to the ground….

---

24 August 2025 – I been making a fuck ton of effort this week, trying my hardest to not show any emotion & keeping that swiftly wilting rose from dying. I have been messaging even though he’s not come back online three days this week, he’s chosen not to make things better & chat to me, but I am chatting & hiding my feelings. Two of those days I tried & he didn’t even come online. I’ve also noticed that he’s turned off his location, it was sporadic at best anyway, but he’s now turned it off completely. Rightio then.

He’s barely talked to me this morning, at 6:00am, I know he is at work, but hasn’t messaged… I want sex so I have to put in the effort here & not be pissed off… I can’t be myself around him, my reaction to the way he’s treating me is making him regret his decision to start A3V2.0…. “If you didn’t wake up with at least a semi, thinking about fucking me today, we can no longer be friends…” I have to wait two hours before he replies. “No comment Wait how did you wake up?”

We haven’t said anything about catching up today but I get ready putting on panties I had made with Phoenix’s face on them.. I’ve had them for long while & also another pair with his name in diamante letters across the back of them that I have been saving for a date day, but I don’t think there are going to be many of those in our future, so I put the pair with his face on & get in my car & head down to his work with lunch & wait. I haven’t said anything so I click on snapchat to update my location & he can see I am here without me having to say anything. Why the fuck don’t I just say I am there?! But fuck him, he’s not replied to my last message, & like I said I have put in an enormous amount of effort this week, with barely anything in return, me putting in more & more effort is just fucking me off. But like J-Lo said to me, just be nice, just be sweet & for now put my feelings aside – which haven’t I done that for eight years? So I try, oh my god do I try but it’s so hard because it’s not really my usual style to be sickly sweet & beg for someone’s time.

It’s been almost ten minutes since he finished work & he hasn’t messaged or come out. Maybe I got the time wrong. His car is still here, so at least that’s something. But then, for some reason, I turn to look at his car & see him walking toward it. WTF. My heart starts racing, he’s carrying stuff, so maybe he just wants to put that in his car before he comes over to where I always park. That’s ok I guess. But then, I see him get into his car, he puts the brakes on, my heart starts pounding & then I see the reverse lights. Maybe he’s just moving his car closer to me. He hasn’t messaged or looked at my last message of my cunt being drippy. I haven’t messaged either – but why would I when he hasn’t even looked at my last message. But he pulls out of the park & sits there for a little bit. I think he must have seen my car parked in the usual spot & he will pull back in or drive towards me just moving it to a different spot but he doesn’t. He drives right out of the carpark… WHAT THE ACTAL FACTUAL FUCK? I know things have been weird, he’s told me he doesn’t want to go back to how we were just fucking monthly with minimal communication. He’s said that he doesn’t want to piss me off or make me angry but he’s pulled away so much that I feel like I am bugging him, so I am pulling away, which makes him pull away, because of course Phoenix has to be the most angry & stubborn. But I didn’t expect to push him away so much he just fucking ignores me & goes home!!

I am shaking like a leaf, I am going to just go home, this is fucking wretched!! Fuck him. What a fucking prick. I think I might cry, but tears won’t come yet. Maybe on the drive home they will. I don’t see which direction he goes but I think fuck it, I am going to ring him. What the fuck is he doing?! I call & he answers with a hello pretty quickly. I ask if he forgot something & he says no. I tell him I am sitting at his work & just watched him drive off. I am surprised with how hard & fast my heart is beating, that my voice is so calm. I have never felt so awful with him, watching him just drive out without any regard for me. When he says that he’s heading to my house. I ask why, knowing that he only has a short time that he would know that I would meet him for car sex. He says that he didn’t know because I didn’t say anything, but neither did he. I want to believe him, but I bet he just fucking forgot or didn’t want to say no…. Fuck I feel like a fucking fool. What a tool… I just rocked up, doing what Phoenix normally does. He’d told me he finished at 12:30pm so I was just there waiting, urgh.

I didn’t see which way he drove off, but I do notice that he does come back as if he’d had headed to my house & not his… Maybe it was true. When he gets in the car I tell him that he’s lucky I called & didn’t send something bitchy, I tell him that I almost just went home. I guess I wouldn’t have been that far behind him I guess so we would have ended up at my house around the same time anyway so I would have calmed down when I saw him at my house. Or would I have seen him driving to my house & called him cos I saw him driving that way?

Anyway, we have a laugh about it. It feels so good to laugh. Fuck it feels so good to laugh with him… But this is what I mean about the communication dropping off. It’s not about the fact that he’s so busy & can’t message, it’s that during this affair V2.0, we have been so open & communicative that there hasn’t been any mix ups, obviously we’ve had fights cos & being we don’t see each other face to face often so our communication via text (even more so now that he’s my boyfriend) needs to be on point & without this fucking game playing, but this unavoidable, if he just fucking messaged me to communicate… He didn’t even say he was on his way…

I drive us to a spot we’ve been before, a dead end road that heads off into a couple of paddocks. I ask if he wants lunch or a fuck first & he says fuck. We get into the back seat & start kissing, I show him the panties I had made from Shien or Temu that have a picture of his face on them. He laughs & says that are so wrong. I laugh & ask why, I think they’re hot. He even asks where I got them from & keeps saying they are just wrong. He does laugh, but his reaction is not what I expected, I mean I knew he wouldn’t like his face on panties but this feels like he is annoyed or something that I did something like this… This is probably the first time I am genuinely embarrassed with him.

We fuck in the back of my car, hot, rough & steamy. I get so hot that I take my dress completely off & open up the sun roof. He ends up finishing on top of me, pounding harder when I ask him to fuck he hard & it makes him cum inside of me. As I am moving about the car & getting dressed again, his cum drips out & I am grateful for the leather seats. I make his lunch, which is a chicken strip & egg salad wrap, he says that they’re yummy & thanks me for bringing him food.

I drop him back at his car & he follows me out of the car park. I am not too far away from him when I see him calling me. Not his usual thing to randomly call me, especially less than two minutes from seeing me. He also doesn’t use his phone while driving because he only has one eye, so it’s weird, cos also it’s not easy to pocket dial on snapchat. I answer & he lets me know that I have only one brake light & no indicator light. I think that’s so fucking sweet that he’s bothered to call & not just text me when he got home – I try not to think it’s because he won’t text when he gets home! But he says that I should get it fixed because I drive so far to work now, that I could be defected. I pull over & check to make sure that my indicator is working but the brake light isn’t, so I will stop & get a bulb on the way home. He talks to me about crap to do with car lights until he gets home. While I’m pulled over, I send him a picture of my panties with his face on it & he still says that it’s so wrong.

He chats a lot the arvo, about me fixing the brake light & the fact that after seeing him I met dad to look at a caravan. I don’t think I have mentioned this, but I’ve been looking at buying caravan. My parents have decided since my sister bought a brand new caravan & they have theirs up & running that they would help me buy one because it cost so much when I got the cabin.

Anyway Phoenix gives me shit about it, “You got a caravan yet loser? 😜” but I fucking hate to admit this, given the state of our relationship, but every single one that I look at, I think about him & where his kids would sleep, as well as my dogs & now that my parents have said they will store it for me, I seem to be looking at slightly bigger ones & the bigger ones have a double bed & two single beds, perfect for his kids. I obviously don’t tell him this, ever, I just talk about the fact that he’s going to have to christen it with me. I say that I can bring it to our little dead end spot but he says that we could take it anywhere & my little heart tingles with the prospect that one day in the future we could use this together – that wasn’t his message, but my brain always goes to other places. I need to log off because I am really thinking about a future that will never happen, “Yep exactly. Go for a drive, pull over fuck & keep driving. Anyway, fuck buddy, you probably should go. Chat another time. Xxx.” Maybe today a rose petal was saved…

#IBD4U

August 2025 – Enough is enough

17 Augst 2025 – When I know his roster, I wake up, usually early because of the dogs, but of couse, I know he’s awake he started at 6:00am yesterday & 7:00am today – he gets up usually two hours before he starts work, but both days, I don’t get a message till an hour into his shift. I wake up, look at my watch & there is nothing from him day after day, that my heart sinks. I literally wake up thinking about him, it now takes him hours to think about me, after being offline since midday the day before. Or even after school drop off the day before.

He doesn’t get it & no matter how much we talk about it or I tell him how I feel, nothing changes, it just puts more of a wedge between us. Yes I am putting that wedge with saying goodbye as soon as I know he is home with his family, but I have only been doing that for a week, Phoenix has been driving me to this for over two months & we’ve only been in this A3v2.0 for less than six months.

Perhaps I am moody from the electrician, perhaps I have just let this build up so much that I knew I was going to snap & look crazy to everyone. But looking back I can see that this is a bit unhinged, but when you’re in it & you feel so fucking insignificant to the man that you give everything you can too, it’s hard not to be reactive but it’s like I finally get clarity & I see what he’s been doing for the last two to three months…

I could message first but you know what, he’s up way before me all the time & if I know he’s up & not messaged me, then it’s up to him to message me first, I obviously am not as important as he told me I was. One thing I am surprised about is that he never says that I could message him first… I mean I do, but I haven’t been up since 4:30am & at work since 6:00am. We caught up for lunch yesterday – I was in a mood & I was going to say something, but I didn’t. At almost 8:00am, he says “Good morning” I told you the nickname thing wouldn’t last, didn’t I? I had drafted a message ready to send when he finally logs on. I sit on it for an extra 30 minutes thinking I probably shouldn’t be like this, before I think fuck it, maybe me putting it out there will shake this up? I send my prepared message, “Morning. You’ve unofficially been doing it & I should’ve seen it earlier because it’s been perfectly obvious, I am more into this than you… So I didn’t want to believe it. I guess I’ll officially say it so I can stop thinking about you from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep, being sad when I know you’re awake & at work for hours but haven’t messaged me so I clearly am not in your thoughts like you are in mine – you are the only busy one in this relationship afterall. We can go back to how we were, seeing each other maybe once a month & just chatting when your busy life allows. I’m not an obligation, so you are free to do as you please. Message when you want/can, I’ll reply when I can. I will stop putting pressure on you to be more than just fuck buddies.”

It hurt to write & it hurts to send… & it hurts looking back that I said I was more into this than him – I regret saying that, his ego did not deserve it & I meant it, as in I was more commited to making an effort than he is. I have never expected much from him besides communication because we can’t be together or talk all the time, we need to communicate our availabilities – he said he wanted to talk more & proves to me every fucking day that I should have held back! Blaming me, in his usual narsicistic attitude that I am the one being pissy & crticising. I know he won’t fight for me, it’s not a test of ‘if you love them, set them free’ bullshit, this is genuinely me trying to let my head – then maybe one day, my heart, be free… “I dont want that. But I cant message you as much as you want me to, and really wish I could 😕” I read it & I don’t reply – what is there to say, besides something bitchy at this point… He doesn’t try to reach out to me again either, as predicted, he won’t fight to keep me in his life… I said message when you want/can, I will just leave the ball in his court.

Then just as suspected, I don’t get any other response from him all day or an attempt to call me at his break, nothing from him again. He won’t fight for this, I’m not playing Russian roulette, I am not doing it for a reaction from him, this is exactly the reaction I expected from him. I am doing it so I can be free, so I can move on. I have thought of this man as my boyfriend, my best friend & he has pulled away for months, only really giving me one or two months of true ‘missing me’ actions, the closer I got, the further he pushed me away with old & new excuses over & over – that he can’t talk to me all the time (I’ve never asked for that), that he is so busy (like I am not), that we talk on the phone more than we text now (agreed) & also that he falls asleep so early now as he’s an old man. (but he used to wake up to chat to me, now I’m not worth that!)

What he doesn’t get, is that this has nothing to do with him much time he spends messaging me. He shows me time & time again that he doesn’t care & that he has no intentions of even trying to factor me in a 24hr period anymore. What bothers me, is I am again the only one putting in effort. He won’t come to my work as I’ve said before, he obviously can’t just come to my house – I have to go to him. I drive 20 minutes for his 30 minute lunch break, take him a home made, heated up lunch that I make from scratch – when I don’t even cook for myself & then drive 20 minutes home – just so we have time together. I didn’t ask for V2.0. He asked for it, in fact he demanded it, he defined the terms & now he’s changed them & is surprised why I get upset when he treats me like an option.

So if you’re not on the same page as me & on the page with Phoenix, I’ll explain further, maybe repeating myself. I don’t expect & have never asked for him to talk to me all the time. I have asked him to communicate when he is going to go offline while mid conversation & he cannot do that, so I have been signing off when I finish work so I don’t spend my drive home, being pissed off knowing he is available to chat but doesn’t. It’s on me for getting annoyed that he doesn’t message when I know she is at work, but someone who has to literally leave my last message unread because he wanted to talk to me as much as possible but had to go quickly, doesn’t compute to me. If you really want to talk to me as long as you can, much to the detriment of a goodbye to me, he would come online when he wakes up – like he used too, not an hour into his fucking shift!!!

Fun fact: (as he says) The last time I said I love you was on 9 August 2025 thanking him for my birthday weekend, but I got a “love you too” the next day – only in response to me because he logged off so quickly the night before, not reading my messages. The last time he said he loves me without me saying it first was 18 June 2025, however he also called me crazy because I was pissed he’d been at work for a while & hadn’t messaged me all morning… Sound familiar?! What’s the worst part about this is that he said at the very start he only thought we should say it when we feel it… How dumb I’ve been to not notice that he’s no longer in love with me…

I can’t help but wonder, did he push me to go for this job, knowing that I had apprehension about it because it would take up more of my time, that it would be better for him because I wouldn’t be thinking about him as much? But no matter what I do, I am always available or make myself available because I know that his time is limited. So in this new job, that will be no different, I make time for him. I always do. I am a sucker.

I have never asked for more than better communication. I have never asked for him to leave, I have never asked for his undivided attention – besides jokingly on a call because he is always fucking making so much noise & then mumbles into the phone so he has to repeat himself ten times. I just don’t believe he has to be offline for 23 hours now, when he didn’t have too before, but I have stopped letting that bother me. I have never asked him to spend money on me, in fact when he does, I feel weird about it because not only does he tell me how much everything costs, he reminds me often & always says they have no money, despite having a quarter of my mortgages & two incomes. Should I start mentioning how much each meal costs that I make him – including a drink & snacks plus my petrol & wear & tear on the car?! All I have ever asked for is better communication. I have even told him because we don’t get to see each other that often we need to communication better, our fights go on for a week because we don’t get to resolve it. I am done with it.

On this day – I take myself to a jewellery store having seen a ring I would have wanted as my engagement ring, which on a super special, still close to $1000 but super reduced. I buy it. I don’t over think it. I want it. I always wanted a ring on my finger, more than a wedding. I wanted to look at my finger & know I was chosen. I plan to wear it on my ring finger. Trying it on, alone, on that finger, the woman at the store is wonderful but later asks what’s the occasion, I simply said ‘I’m not getting married, so it’s my engagement ring to myself.’ Phoenix has given me a bracelet with love on it, saying that he wants me to look at it & it remind me of his love for me. I look at it & I don’t feel loved. I look at it & I feel like he bought a piece of jewellery for our anniversary while buying his wife jewellery for her birthday too – which he says he got her a massage voucher but who knows what is true. He proved to me on my birthday by defending her & getting so pissed off that he loves her. So this bracelet is not special like I thought it was. I am not special to him. He thinks he’s not special to me because I had sex with someone in a public toilet. I’ve never been special to him. I’m not the first person he ever loved. I’m not a person he bought a house with. I’m not a person he proposed too. I’m not the person he married. I’m not the one he had kids with. I’m not the one he has pets with. I’m not the one he’s even spent a night with. I’m just a criticising bitch on the other end of snapchat. I am not special in anyway to him… This ring will be. Just like my pawprint tattoo on my wedding ring finger. This has made me happier with no tears that you ever can imagine. It’s a pity I can’t really afford a fucking ring now & because I needed a ‘teeny tiny’ size according to the sales lady, I have to wait four weeks before I get it. But I cannot wait for the reminder that ‘I can buy myself flowers, Write my name in the sand, Talk to myself for hours, Say things you don’t understand, I can take myself dancing, And I can hold my own hand, Yeah, I can love me better than you can.’ Yeah Miley, I’ve been doing it for 20 years… What’s another 20 years?!

---

18 August 2025 – As suspected, not a message, not a call, he’s not even showing up on my maps – not that he has been showing up recently anyway. 175 days since A3v2.0 started, it’s the first day that we don’t speak at all. Snapchat makes fun of me by sending ‘YOUR 136-DAY SNAPSTREAK ENDED.’ I don’t know if he worked today, she normally works late today but she didn’t the other day so I don’t know if she’s at work or not. I am so sad. So incredibly sad that he never fights for me. I did not do this to see if he would fight for me, I already knew his reaction would be to guard himself & not speak to me – I don’t know what from because he’s got a whole other life so if I don’t message him, clearly it doesn’t matter to him & he’s shown me over the years that he can go weeks without messaging me & it doesn’t affect him.

I consider sending him an email explaining how I feel. But I’ve told him countless times, he just thinks it’s because he doesn’t message me enough. No it’s about feeling wanted & that he does actually think about me. I wake up, looking at my watch for a message from him, knowing he has been up for hours & I have nothing. He has no fucking idea what that feels like because I always write back almost instantly, like a fucking fool.

Going back to chatting sporadically & seeing each other once a month will help me regain some of my dignity again… I am the only one putting in effort – he will say he is, but even at work now, he’s SOOOOOO busy because they are cutting costs that he doesn’t message me that much. He doesn’t come any further than my house anymore & when he did come to work when I worked closer, he’d tell me about 400 times how much it cost or his car isn’t registered or some other bullshit that just made me feel bad about coming to meet me for lunch.

---

19 August 2025 – I cave & message, “I really miss talking with you… 🥺”. I hate myself instantly for the fact that he doesn’t write back & that he seemingly hasn’t even downloaded snapchat onto his phone today… But when he does write back, he says, “I thought you didnt want to talk because all it does is make you angry when you cant talk to me.” I say that I didn’t say I never wanted to talk again, he says that we are still talking. Then he calls me. I don’t know what we talk about, but I know that he would feel attacked as he’s told me he feels criticised by me & I tell him that I feel invisible… So what do we do here?! He says multiple times that he doesn’t want to go back to how we were, only chatting sporadically & catching up monthly, I am reassured by this revelation that he really wants to put in effort… I hope it’s true & I want to stop being so moody about how little regard he has for my feelings.

When we get off the phone, he senses that he should messages first, “I just hate fuckin you off all the time 😕” I hate it too… “Well from now on, I’ll just respond to messages, I won’t initiate anything or expect anything. You can message when you’re awake enough or not sleepy. You can go 24 hours. You can 48 hours. Whatever. You’re in charge, as you always have been If you ever want to catch up, again, let me know.” & he does his signature move, “Ahh okay well I will message you when I can. Chat again soon x, going off-line for the day.”

#IBD4U

August 2025 – Her Car

12 August 2025 – He asks how our snap streak ended but to be perfect honest, I thought it should have ended sooner, he hasn’t sent anything since Friday & I thought you both had to send something in a 24 hour period for it to go up. I say that we may as well let it expire because when he goes to Japan, he won’t be sending me snaps then. He says “I might ! You never know.” Um, yeah I do… “You can’t even message me while you wife is in the shower & you’re in a 3bed house with a back & front yard to hide in… You think you’re going to message while sharing a tiny hotel room??” When he says “I would make some time.” I literally laugh out loud & text back that I won’t hold my breath. Is he fucking joking?? He is such a bullshiter.

We chat on the phone for his break & then text a little about my work. I am feeling spontaneous – if that’s the right word, so I call him on my way home but he doesn’t answer, he texts & asks if I meant to call him & I say yes, he says “Haha why. Im picking my kids up.” Don’t they always catch the bus & don’t get home for another 20 minutes?! I say don’t worry & goodnight. He says, “Goodnight sweet pea. 🫛” & then sends me a picture of leek & potatoes soup for dinner. I don’t write back, even though I want to ask for him to save me a serve, he wouldn’t have anyway, even if I did ask… The time for sweet pea is over…

---

13 August 2025 – This morning he sends, “Good morning beautiful.” To which I ask why he is sucking up… Sweet Pea last night & beautiful this morning but it does lighten my mood – if only he would see simple things like that help… We call for my break today as he’s finished work & his shopping apparently because I whinge when he talks to the checkout people.

He sends me a picture of his bubble-gum ice cream with nerds & fruit tingles that he made with his ice cream maker thing, I ask if he can be my daddy, he says you just want ice cream, which I don’t see what the problem with that is. He asks what flavour I want & I say Biscoff. 

I find an article that is totally us when I read it, & I say that we do all six things.

6 Things Couples With Steamy Sex Lives Do Differently Every Day

1. They Engage In Freaky Foreplay
2. They Try New Positions
3. They Make Sure To Change The Scenery
4. They Role Play
5. They Keep Things Romantic
6. They Have Sex At All Different Times

He takes ages to reply to the article, it’s not that long so he’s not off reading it, so I say goodnight. “I will make you a biscoff one, one day! Oh we have steamy sex 😜Good night my cupcake.” Not sure what is with all the nicknames that make me smile. Spoiler alert, I never get any biscoff ice cream! Not even a taste of one of the flavours he made for the kids!

---

14 August 2025 – Today’s hello is “Good morning sexy pants.” Which makes me smile too, he has today off so he’s on his bike, when he mentions something about a store he used to work at, because it’s a technology store, I innocently ask why he quit there. I am at work, so I don’t look at my phone – I won’t copy & paste his whole reply because it’s very telling of where he worked but I get 834 words of a reply… Telling me about that work, the work I met him at & the current work & how he ha been bullied & treated like shit despite being a good worker. I mean, I know what that feels like! I apologise for triggering him…

He says that he put snap on his computer today – um, you don’t need to put it on your computer, you just go the website but whatever. He calls me for lunch & we talk about the fact that no matter what he does he can’t win with me, it’s not a fight – it’s something I have been reflecting on. So when we get off the phone I say, “So I know how you can win with me… You remember on Saturday at my house you were sitting in bed, crossed legged, hands neatly in your lap…” & he says how, I say “Just answer me, do you remember sitting like that?” & he says yes, so as I giggle, I say, “To win with me… Sit like that, while on the phone with me 😋 Because you are sitting still & quiet…” He says that he came a few times so he was relaxed, so I tell him to jerk off before he calls me. We laugh as he says he’s like that all the time… Which I know… This jerking off talk gets us onto our mutual masturbation then onto the fight & how he look disinterested when I was rubbing my cunt on his dick, he says he would have backed down, but I don’t think he would have. He never backs down – just read this fucking blog!! “Not going into it now, I’m about to go home & say goodnight. Night have a good evening. Have a good day off tomorrow with your wife sitting right next to you ALL day!. Chat sat.” I give him an out for tomorrow… I won’t mesaage him to chat, unless he does. He says, “Goodnight honey pot xx.”

---

15 August 2025 – Today’s conversation is just as expected “Good morning. Well not next tto me. But not far!” So I just say “Morning. Have a good day, chat tomorrow!” He won’t read that so I don’t know what I bothered, but he sends me meme which says ‘When she asks me why I never let her see my dick when it’s soft – I’m afraid, all right?’ & he says “You never know” You never know what?! That he’ll chat or show me his dick soft?! I send a snap of me at lunch, missing his call & I say I braved the weather for a walk still. No reply.

---

16 August 2025 – I know he’s at work, he didn’t give me his roster but he’s told me that this weekend, he starts at 6:00am on Saturday & 7:00am on Sunday. I don’t get a hello from him until well into his shift, he will argue it wasn’t that long but I know he was up at least an hour or more before his shift, it was after 6:30am when he finally remembered me & he hasn’t even bothered to say hello? Am I being the dramatic one?

It’s been a week since we saw each other, I work in the city one day a week now, so it’s not quite as far as the usual office. & his dentist is in the city – which he had cancelled his check up a while ago because I worked from home at my old job – so he could come to the city. But we still have fight about him coming to see me at my work for a change. I know I had said I didn’t want him to come to my work anymore when I was in my old job which was close. But I also don’t want to be the only one keeping up with these lunch break dates that HE FUCKING STARTED!!!

Again he says today that the store manager has cut hours so Saturdays are really busy so he can’t chat much, I say that I hope it gets better. Hours later he says he’ll be on a break soon, I say ok. I have heated up lunch, added salt & pepper, packed a drink & snacks & am on my way. Like an absolute fucking twat.

I pull into his work & where his car usually is – something I always look out for, not sure why but I usually notice that it’s there, always parked in the same spot, close to the intersection, my belief is so that she can see it because he’s told me she drives past every day after getting her coffee, so she must have said something to him to make him park there every time. But his car isn’t there today, it’s her car. Her bright blue car sitting in his spot. Why the fuck does that piss me off so much? It will 100% not mean anything to him besides her car was behind his & he’s not working late so she won’t need it, but to me it’s a clear sign that he wants to remind me that he is married & not leaving her, knowing I would be coming to his work today… I am already in a bad mood, I have driven all this way with fucking lunch for someone that clearly isn’t interested in me anymore & making that perfectly clear, but am I just too dumb to notice! Or just too dumb to want it to end that I am hanging on the scrap of time he now offers me. To top it off, I am in a foul mood, because my tenant has said there is an electrical problem at my unit, the electrician that I called this morning have told me that it’ll be a $400 call out fee for a Saturday, plus parts & time to fix it… FFS.

He writes to me as I am parking “I take it you don’t want to see me today.” but I tell him that I am already there & I have food, he says ‘oh really’, which he can see on snap maps, so he comes out to my car. I wish I had a poker face but I am so fucking annoyed. Annoyed at how he’s treating me, annoyed at the cost of the electrician, annoyed he has her car at work, knowing I was coming to see him today – it’s like he just wants to rub her in my face to get me to end it. I am well aware of the situation every time I look at the two rings on his fingers. One his wedding ring & one some other ring that appeared about a year or so ago, assuming a Christmas present in 2023. He did use to wear some leather bracelet thing, I noticed that one day we broke it during sex, which I assume was from her too. But anyway, he doesn’t need to rub in my face he’s with her. That he’s driving her car. I am very well aware of this situation & how fucked it is for me. I wish I had that awareness from him.

One thing I hate the most is that I get such limited time with Phoenix & I am so pissed about something that shouldn’t upset me that much. This electrician shit is in my head. In the end – one calls me when I am with Phoenix to tell me that they aren’t even going to go out today. Dad & I end up going to the unit & fix it for $15, so I am a bit happier, but I haven’t had a message from Phoenix since I left him, he knew I was shitty & did nothing to make it better or reassure me that I am just being a fuckwit, so I say goodnight at 11:15am, it’s not like he wants to make a fucking effort now anyway, so if I say goodbye first then I can be the one that controls the conversation, take back the little control I have. He replies, “Ahh okay. Hope you sorted a electrician. Chat again soon!” & he sends a picture at 12:00pm, of new headphones he’s bought for our daily phone calls. “Hopefully I sound better on these!”

I don’t respond, he’s offline anyway, what’s the point. He will never understand the message sitting there unread for hours, days or weeks even like he’s done to me. He wouldn’t put up with it, if the roles were reversed here, he would be onto the next thing, he wouldn’t wait around for me. I mean when I get angry, he has to be more angry… Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried that. I’ve tried that so many times to move on, but obviously it never worked. But with his lack of empathy & compassion, he would literally move on without a care in the world for me. Yet here I am, always waiting. For eight years I have waited for a snippet of his time.

You know, he calls himself my boyfriend, well in actual fact he never really said it on the first place & he barely ever says the boyfriend/girlfriend words anymore or if he does it’s so rare I don’t recall him saying it – lets not even mention the word love, that’s non existent now. So maybe it’s me, I say the word boyfriend too much to him? I tell him I love him way more than he ever tells me now, which is hard for me to say being that I haven’t ever said it to anyone before, especially when it’s now never said to me in any other way but a response to me saying it first. Why is it so hard to end this, for either of us? He’s checked out & destroying what friendship we have & it’s almost like I need the friendship to be so destroyed that it unrepairable, so I can walk away…

#IBD4U

August 2025 – Nothing good happens after 3:30pm

09 August 2025 – I need to break this mood, it’s my bloody birthday weekend… It’s around 10:00am, that I say that I am hungry so we need to work out what we are doing today. It’s supposed to rain & every picnic we’ve tried to do has ended up with rain. So he says that he’s happy to just chill at home today, which I am torn by because I want a date with him, but I also want to just relax with him too. But I want to go out because we never do that & I don’t want to remember what we just did in my room… We never have enough time to do everything I want to do, I go to the kitchen, leaving the mood in my room & start by making up a little platter of all the food, I’m not sure if it’s because it’s at my house but he barely helps with the food, mainly wandering around & eating as I cut things up. Phoenix has defrosted from his pissed off mood a little as he eats, maybe he was just hangry, he touches me from behind a lot as I am cutting things up. I have said earlier that we could have a bath together, so while we are making the platter, he says that we can have a bath, with a cheeky little smirk.

He takes the platter into my bedroom for a bed picnic, sitting on the bed we eat, we chat – keeping the conversation light, there is a tension in the air…We watch an episode of ‘And Just Like That’ then we watch an episode of ‘Rick & Morty’ when he puts the food on the bedside table & we lay down to cuddle. Into the second episode of Rick & Morty, we start kissing, leaning in closer to each other, I have been tickling his balls the whole episode, but he isn’t hard. With some kissing & touching he gets harder & I say that we should do mutual masturbation – he hates me saying the word masturbation & I hate it too, but it’s become a little joke, but when he says that we should do it sometime, I say what about right now. We sit up both stripping naked, while he straddles my legs, I start by rubbing my clit & grabbing one boob, he jerks his cock slowly & grabs my other tit, both of us turning each other on with our words about how sexy this is, we both start going faster & faster & building to an orgasm, he cums all over my stomach, when he sees that I have cum, then we fall in a heap together. We’ve jerked off before with each other, but this was a bit different, this was purely just watching each other pleasure ourselves. It was super sexy & I wanted him to fuck me so badly, I wanted his cock inside me, I even say I do, but fuck that’s fun!

Around 12:00pm, I suggest the bath again, a nice chilled relaxed day with Phoenix. I know he hates baths, first he hates his dick out when it’s soft – but he did say ages ago that I am his girlfriend now & I should see it soft… He hates how fat he thinks he is & he gets bored with ADHD that he doesn’t like just sitting around, but he has a bath with me, we’re not in there long because as soon as I notice how gross the water is, our skin floating around was more than I’ve seen before & it was getting cold, that I put him out of his misery & get out of the bath.

We lay in bed again for a while, talking & cuddling – not fighting about bullshit for a change… But then he starts making pack up noises, getting dressed & telling me he has to go soon, that I start to get sad. This part is always the worst for me, I hate it. I just want him to stay & stay with me for a lot longer. It’s also just after 1:00pm – didn’t he say he put his shift down to 2:00pm?! But he says that he’s worried he’ll get stuck in traffic & that his wife is finishes work at 3:00pm so he can’t be gone too long. I understand, I just hate it. I see him putting on his work uniform & he throws his jumper in my pile of clothes on my chairrobe, that makes me smile but I don’t say anything to him. Ironically though, in the whole time I’ve known him, over eight years now, his wife has worked every second weekend & has always finished at 5:00pm… Literally every single weekend that’s she’s worked… But today she finishes at 3:00pm? Okay, sure… If she stalked me she would have found out my birthday & women remember dates so perhaps she knows it’s my birthday & wants to be home early – I mean I know when her birthday is?! But I am more certain that he is lying about this because he wouldn’t have put a shift down till 2:00pm if she finished at 3:00pm, he wouldn’t have ever cut it this fine, so I don’t believe this at all… But I let him go at 1:30pm, I send him a picture of my flowers & a picture of him in the bath with me, but he says that he looks fat, he doesn’t but that’s his view because the water distorts his body shape. He is wrapping up the day, “Hope our chill day was alright!” I say, “I loved it. I love dates with you but I love just talking & fucking & hanging out… That’s like the first time we’ve got watched proper TV together…  Thank you for my flowers & our bed picnic. & making the effort yesterday to talk & message me…” He says that there’s no need to thank him & he goes offline with three xxx – only because I sent them to him first…

---

10 August 2025 – I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, but I can’t shake the feeling that yesterday might have been our last real date, instead of feeling close like I usually do after a full day date with him, I am left with the feeling that was strained & hollow. It scares me how quickly something that once felt warm & effortless can suddenly feel like it’s slipping through my fingers.

He sets up another excuse for work, saying his managers have cut back staff to save money, so now that LMA isn’t there, he doesn’t have time to chat because they’re cutting hours. I try hard to get the connection back, I ask if he wants me to bring him the lasagna on his break or see him after work for a little longer, but he says that he’ll be on his break soon, so I guess he only wants to see me for his break. I pack up some of the lasagna (warmed) & take it to his work. I used to say that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, he always says that I had his heart ages ago but this lasagna needs to be magical because I am losing him… But I ask for a friend, can you lose what you never had?!

After I get home for seeing for lunch, after he finishes work & I ask if he is doing something fun in the sun with the kids, because it sucks that today it’s sunny but yesterday was raining when we’d planned a picnic… He says that they are playing on tech as he has too much housework to do… He always has to go from my house to spend time with the kids & when he has a sunny day to do something, he has housework? I mean he can do housework anytime… We talk about me cleaning my spare room & scrubbing the bathroom & cleaning the blind in there.

Sunday night it’s getting closer & closer to 5:30pm but Phoenix is still talking, it’s about 5:45pm when he says goodnight to me, but he’s working all day tomorrow so will be able to chat. I have had a good birthday weekend with him & try again for some connections, he’s not very loving at all these days but he says that feeds off my energy, so I try giving some positive energy, “No worries . Thanks for this weekend. I love you. Xxx.” No response. He doesn’t even read it. FUCK. So I  I write “Yeah rightio then. 🖕🏻” How many fucking times can I tell this fuckwit what a fucking fool I feel like when he fucking does that?!!?!>!?!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck I hate him sometimes, he just does not give a flying fuck about how I feel, no matter how many times I tell him.

I start to think, maybe I’m not losing him, because as I asked, you can’t lose what you never had right… Or is it that I am just losing my tolerance for his bullshit excuses & so I am checking out? I read once that man check out of relationships emotionally & women try to fix it, before realising that there is no point & they end it… Is that what’s happened here? He’s checked out because it’s just too hard to please two women emotionally & I am so deeply invested now, wanting to keep at least a part of our friendship alive that I have been hanging on to a fantasy…

---

11 August 2025 – Of course he says that he’s sorry he had to go quick. I just don’t believe that he had to delete the app that fucking quick, does she walk in the door, sit on his lap, looking at his phone for the rest of the night? In my experience of watching other people in relationships, they are all on their phones all fucking night so I don’t believe that he has to go so suddenly that he cannot wait to see my reply. I get that he cheated & she knows he cheated through his phone & she checks his phone, but the instant log off is just beyond the pale.

He has said that he doesn’t say good bye so he can talk to me as much as he can, but in all honesty, he is so sporadic after the kids get home from school now, that I am done being the fuckwit fool waiting around. Months ago, I told him that perhaps we shouldn’t talk after work, I used to finish at 4:00pm, I now finish at 3:30pm. But he said he didn’t want that, so I kept talking after work & I have felt like a fucking fool time & time again, when he would log off saying he thought that’s what I wanted… I am done with it. So I start saying goodbye as I leave work at 3:30pm & I refuse to write to him after that. I am also going to do that on weekends that he is home with even just the kids. I am no longer going to be the time filler, I am the main event or I am not part of his day.

Even his phone calls – he just says I’m whinging, but our phone calls during work are limited to 30 mins (if that!) because he usually makes his lunch then calls me, so we’re lucky if we talk for 20 minutes these days. After work he might call me while driving & all I can hear is his car in the background, I barely can hear him talk. He’ll go shopping then talk to the shop keepers, fine I get that he has to do things & am thankful that he calls me, but he literally gives me 20 minutes a day now, that is all & it can’t even be undivided?! Am I asking too much? Maybe… I don’t know. I don’t think so.

We hardly text these days because he doesn’t text at work as much – saying how busy it is now because the other store closed (remember it closed in March!), he doesn’t text around his wife or LMA, he hardly texts around the kids anymore because they require significant help showering & can read his messages – like sure. He says that our relationship has evolved to face to face & the phone calls. However with this new job, we now don’t see each other face to face unless I go see him at lunch at his work – which he doesn’t like asking me to go, so that’s even dropping off. He won’t come to mine now, it’ll be a 1.5 hour one way trip to my work for him.

He never asks why I say goodbye at 3:30pm & he never tries to continue the conversation after I’ve said goodnight, the one time I did say something after I said goodbye & he said his goodbye, he didn’t read it till the next morning anyway, so assuming as soon as he’s said goodbye, even though he doesn’t have to go, I realise that he deletes the app immediately.

So my decision to pull back, doesn’t phase him, he doesn’t care – he’s check out & basically waiting for the day I just snap & end it. He says that he thinks about me all the time but I was thinking about it the other day – Fridays she’s off work & he seemingly has every Friday off, so he doesn’t chat. That’s fine, whatever. I get radio silence because apparently he can’t message around her. I also know she gets lashes done now which take at least an hour every 2-3 weeks which she books on Friday, so he’s a fucking liar, I don’t believe him when he says that he can’t message me on Fridays at all, all of a sudden. He is just choosing not too. You know what hurts more, the realisation that he’s now telling me, a new excuse, by saying it’s hard to log back on, he has to download the app, do two factor authentication with a random email account, message me then delete the app. All that excuse says to me is, you are not worth it #IBD4U…

I have been noticing the shift since late May early that he’s complacent, he said to me once that there is always an end of honeymoon period – but this is from a man who started A3v2.0 because he felt after reading my blog – particularly Marvel #15 – my final Marvel post, which I say that I will always leave a light on for him, that he realised I loved him still… But he really wonders why I said in the last phone call that I love him more than he loves me & the answer is very clear. He read that post, changed the dynamic then pulled away – time after time, saying it wasn’t meant to be what it was. The fucking worst part about that, is that he couldn’t do that without my permission. I allow him to pull me close when it suits him & push me away when it suits him too. I fucking allow it.

Today I get another new excuse, his headphones have died so his manager played his music through the store speakers this morning, so he couldn’t play with his phone. I don’t try to message, I don’t send a picture, I don’t put in any effort. He’s checked out. I need to too. I missed his breaks being in meetings in the office I work at in the city, he does call me before the kids get home but he mainly talks about his headphones the whole time & messages afterwards about his headphones that he’s going to get. I say “Good idea. Night.” & he says “Ahh okay  Good night then…”

The last notification I get is, ‘YOUR 132-DAY SNAPSTREAK ENDED.’

#IBD4U

August 2025 – Birthday Picnic

09 August 2025 – I have no idea what time he is planning to come today, he’s said that he wrote that he starts at 6:00am, but then says he’ll write 7:00am. So I have no clue what time he is planning, because I did go out with my family, I had a few wines, nothing major but I don’t drink a lot anymore because I wake up with revolting cotton mouth, so bad that I can barely close my mouth, like there is no saliva left in my body or something. So I get up, use some dry mouth mouthwash, go to the toilet, let the dogs out for the toilet & go back to sleep for a little bit, but I have basically been awake since around 4:00am waiting for a message from him.

I never get a message from him this morning as predicted, he just rocks up just after 7:00am, using his key to come in. I am still in bed because of course I have no idea of his plans, he walks in & I hear him go into the kitchen, doing something that I can’t make out as I have the kitchen door shut. He comes into my room, he gets into bed with me & says happy birthday as we snuggle. We kiss & cuddle, before we have sex within a few minutes of him being there, he goes down on me which he won’t believe me, so I don’t tell him but this is the best head of my life – I’m sure my blog has helped him because he still is obsessed with Crows being the best – Phoenix never understands that our connection & love, makes things so much better than anything I have ever had. He had admitted that he hadn’t done it much & has never done it to his wife so he was good at it, but after reading Crows, he is much better & tries a lot harder. But it’s 100% the best head of my life today. Paired with the fact we always have amazing sex, the most connected I have ever been with someone – no one compares in my eyes, no matter what I ever said in my blog.

After we have sex, I get up to feed the dogs, I notice flowers on the entry bench at the door but I try not to look at them, ignoring them to feed the dogs. He walks in & says ‘I got you flowers’, dumping them on the table, not actually giving them to me, then walks off. I finish feeding the dogs & pick them up, they are stunning coloured roses that I start to put in water, noticing that they were $50 – I don’t say anything but he comes back & notices the price tag & quickly rips it off, he comes back in with a packet of my favourite Oreos which have been deleted – the double stuffed Cinnamon bun, & he dumps them on the bench, not giving them too me either, but we kiss because I initiate it & I say thank you for the thoughtful gifts. He’s also done a click & collect this morning to pick up picnic food – I did wonder how he was going to organise the picnic, I guess that’s how!

While I love the flowers & the oreos – which are definitely enough for a gift, as I wasn’t even sure if he would get me anything at all, so I am a very happy girl, I am slightly disappointed that it’s nothing I can keep. I don’t expect jewellery for every gift, though I wouldn’t complain hahaha, the flowers will die & I’ll eat the oreos then have nothing to show for my first birthday with him as my bona fide boyfriend… Even a card would have been enough to make the gift sentimental… We’ll eat all the picnic stuff & then there will be nothing to show for my birthday. But I can’t tell you how fucking happy I am he’s even organised anything at all, this is so special to me…

We go back to bed & lay down, the dogs are loose so they jump up on the bed as we are lying there, my boy literally is pushing himself between Phoenix & I with his full body length pushing us apart. I laugh at how hilarious my boy dog is, he has literally imprinted on me so much that he gets so jealous – he’s not had a dude to fight for my attention before, so it’s hilarious how he squeezed between Phoenix & I. My girl decides to cuddle up to Phoenix – she loves men & if I had a live in partner, she would 100% turn into his dog… Though I know Phoenix doesn’t feel the same about her, he’s made it clear he doesn’t like my dogs. I take a photo of his legs with the dogs snuggled up next to him… We just lay there chatting & deciding what to do, it isn’t even 8:00am yet. He brings up my blog, which he is reading/listening too with google translate or whatever, so he brings it up again when we get into a semi sort of argument, which lasts pretty much the whole time we’re together & taints the whole day.

If you remember back to Silverlining #17 he tells me that his wife, the technology noob, hacked Facebook with a ‘trick’ to see all my pictures – here is a little bit from that post that’s important to today’s argument:

“When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit!”

So today he is discussing his wife’s Facebook trick & the beauty chick in my street. Phoenix has told me before that his wife was going to this woman in my street for discounted beauty treatments – he always says lashes but then says beauty stuff so I never know what she actually had done. I didn’t know at the time though – when I was fucking distraught & devastated, that Phoenix was fucking driving her to these appointments because she would have a panic attack coming to my street – what fucking bollocks! I’ve talked about this before in my blog when we texted about it but upon reflection during this conversation, I have more to add… I can assure you, no discounted beauty treatment is worth having a real panic attack…. She played him, this actress doesn’t fool me, I’ve had panic attacks, I have medication for panic attacks, they are debilitating. Apparently, she does too, so it’s fucking bullshit she had a real panic attack coming to my street for a cheap beauty treatment. She faked a ‘panic attack’ to make him drive her here, in hopes they would see me, even if it was for a split-second driving past each other, so that she could rub it in my face that they are still together & I was just a play thing as she told me I was. She’s a fucking master! I take my hat off to her…

He’s told me recently that she would post pictures of them together in the hopes that I would see them on Facebook & that she only married him to get back at me, so this confirms that it was 100% just another game she played at an attempt to get back at me, & he was a fucking compliant player… He’s a fuckwit if he really believes that she did that for any other reason but to hopefully see me & piss me off. But the hardest part of having a conversation about her & what makes me the most melancholy, especially on my birthday weekend, is listening to him defending her when I say it’s bullshit that she had a genuine panic attack. He kept saying that he saw how much it affected her, watching her almost vomiting in the car… It hurts hearing him defend her, when I know for a fact he didn’t defend me to her, allowing her to look me up daily & just said ‘I cheated, what can I do?’ but also he never defended me with Cowboys Mistress either, letting her make a fool out of me publicly. I retreat & don’t want to talk, if he really believes she had a panic attack & was genuine, it really hurts me… It’s shows me – & rubs in my face, that he loves her – in whatever way that may be, but he does loves her.

So another angle on this, I have a lash client let’s call her Misty, who has recently started reading my blog, she started at the start & now follows along, then we debrief at her appointments. We have similar personalities & have both been single most of our adult lives. So she read about the beauty treatment bullshit last time I wrote about it & she was like ‘yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that!’ When Misty asks if his wife was getting her lashes done, I say that I am not entirely sure what beauty she had done, but Misty makes a fucking good point that I didn’t think of, she says that she wouldn’t want to bring her partner anywhere near his ex-mistresses house, especially while she is inside on a table with her eyes taped shut for an hour or more…!! Misty said she’d be worried about him walking up to my house, putting something in my letter box or even coming over here to fuck me again… Even if he didn’t stay parked in the street & he went to the shops or something, Misty said she’d be worried that he was actually seeing me, being that it’s so close to my house… FUCK I never ever thought of that point of view… I have said that if he was my partner who had a mistress behind my back, I would never want to bring her up because I wouldn’t want to remind him what he is missing – especially after finding out he was in love with her. So this is the same & surprises me I didn’t think of it, but I wouldn’t want to bring him to the street & remind him of the mistress that he loved… But we all know that she apparently brings me up – to this very day & recently in front of the kids… She punishes him & he takes it & says ‘well I did cheat’ like that’s a reason to be treated that way. Either get over it or break up, don’t keep rubbing it in his face!

So anyway this beauty woman who lives a few doors down supposedly knew all this stuff about my sex life, Phoenix still, as he did back then denied knowing how, originally blaming Sweetie for it. Phoenix now reveals that his wife doesn’t know my beauty business name & only found one photo of me back when she was hacking Mark Zuckerberg daily. One. WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK. Phoenix was very clear & adamant via text & every time we talked about it back then, that his wife was looking at ALL my photos & that he saw them also, that she saw posts on my private page about Papa Roach, now all of a sudden – maybe because he’s read it in my blog & realises how fucking stupid he sounds telling me she hacked Facebook but can’t find a group on the chat app when there is a button that says ‘group’, that he admits that it’s just one picture that she found. So not a trick at all, it actually was a work picture on a work Facebook page that was already over four years old when she would have found it.

He had also said she became obsessed with me & she knew about my beauty business because she text him when she found out ‘your girlfriend has a beauty business’, yet she doesn’t know what I called my business? Are you serious mate?! What a crock of shit!! You are cooked!!! You all know I am not much of a stalker, but I have stalked & know women who do the deep dive. If this woman was so obsessed, hacking Facebook – but not actually hacking Facebook, just finding a page my photo happened to be on & looking at it daily, as if it might change then she would sure as shit know what my business is called! & I am still convinced she was involved – if it was her or a friend, in a fake booking, wasting heaps of my time when I first opened…

This story never added up when he told me many years ago & sure as shit doesn’t add up now! I just don’t believe it. What woman with a cheating husband, who apparently told everyone he cheated & about me, goes to a friend’s beauty business in the same street, they talk about my sex life but doesn’t ask the friend how they know about my sex life? The first question from anyone would be ‘how do you know that?’ but apparently Phoenix’s wife never asks that even though she’s voracious for information about me? It just doesn’t add up, I’m sorry but I just don’t believe it, she was calling his bluff by talking about my sex life, trying to get a reaction from him or she had someone catfish me (or she did it) on a dating app to get information from me. Maybe Crows wasn’t as loyal to me with her as I thought he was?! Because if the beauty woman knew about the blog – which is Phoenix’s theory, she would have told Phoenix’s wife about it, especially if it’s about her husband! Even now writing this I am getting so worked up at how bullshit this is…

So this was happening six years ago she was able to look at all my pictures & see my broken heart post, now he tells me it was actually just one photo & this beauty women told her she knew all about my sex life but didn’t tell her the source of how she knew about it? Remember at this time, in 2019, I had only about ten blog posts which were all posted in 2016 & I didn’t start posting on a regular basis until well after the end of affair one & if you look at those earlier posts, they aren’t as graphic as the later ones. Plus the Noodle story didn’t start getting posted till almost when we were in the Silverlining era!

Phoenix cracks the shits at me because I don’t believe him, it’s not that I don’t believe what he thinks or what he was told to be true, it’s that I don’t believe the bullshit she’s told him. He bought a house, had kids & married her I guess & he says he loves her so he believes what she says, she is the mother of his children, after all. I’m just the skanky mistress. But I don’t believe a word of it. She was probing him or baiting him by saying that someone knew a lot about my sex life & wanting a reaction, I don’t think she knows anything at all… Phoenix rolls over & won’t give me anything, saying that I don’t believe him, I explain I don’t believe the story but he is being stubborn & won’t turn back over to talk to me. I remind him it’s my birthday & I spend a good ten minutes working hard to get him to relax about something he brought up – lets not forget that, we’ve had a text fight about this recently too. When I finally get him to turn back over, I am so fucking pissed off this is how my birthday is going so I straddle him & start gyrating my hips over his dick which is in his boxers. I dry hump him for ages & kiss him, just sliding my cunt up & down his dick, I take his dick out his boxers as it gets harder. But his face is stone cold. He is not going to let up on this. I am in my oodie just sliding my wet cunt up & down along his now naked cock, I can’t keep looking at his face, it’s so angry, that I lean down, putting my face in his shoulder nook but keep going until I alert him that I am going to cum, that’s when his hands get a little handsy on my ass & waist, I cum against his cock & roll off him. Honestly, this is the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had with Phoenix, because it was the first time ever that it was cold, distant, disconnected, completely out of sync & it’s mirrored the way I’ve felt for the last two months when we’re not together, invisible, unimportant & more like an obligation than someone he truly missed & wants to be with…

#IBD4U

August 2025 – Birthday

06 August 2025 – I asked late last night & we talked about it on the phone yesterday about the internet to my house, they have upgraded it but I still have to do something with the provider to upgrade the speed to my house. But the geek conversation gets him chatting & giving me advice about what to do & keeps the conversation light… I guess this is what I have to do now, is not show my feelings when he treats me like an option because it pushes him away more… Another thing that keeps him chatting is talking about fisting. He asks if I really want him to do it, I mean I don’t know what pleasure it’ll be for me, but if he wants to try I am open to it. As always sex sells because he talks to be consistently today without having a fight even when we tread into dangerous territory about fantasies & how much I did everything he ever wanted, I wait for the public toilet to come up but it doesn’t. But after a couple of phone calls today we end up in a fight about the fact I didn’t use condoms with some men, really quickly & apparently Phoenix seemed to think he was the only one I didn’t fuck with a condom… I don’t know where he gets these fucking ‘special’ things from. I never once said anything about condoms being special or not using them quickly with other men… “I don’t think of condoms as a token of my feelings for the guy or anything of note… I used them with most people & some I didn’t. End of story. I NEVER got or had an STI, like some people… Other people you may know!! Clearly fucked without a condom… But she’s your wife & mother of your children, so it’s ok… I forget. I’m the mistress so I’m the slut.” I say goodnight & log off.

---

07 August 2025 – He says good morning & I try to not be angry as tomorrow is my birthday & so I tell him stuff about work & the previous General Manager. There is so much I am learning about this workplace, which is scaring me, but also I am feeling good about it. We call & speak for ages – three hours to be exact, on my way home & when I get home before I have a work event. We talk a lot about my internet connection, which like I said yesterday, keeps him chatting & interested in talking with me. After we hang up, I say, “Fuck mate. You definitely met your word quota today!!” He doesn’t read it or reply, for once, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t say goodbye over text before I don’t hear from him again.

---

08 August 2025 – When Phoenix & I started this Affair V2.0, I didn’t think it would last this long if I am honest. But about a month before my birthday, I realised that it’s on a Friday this year meaning that he 100% won’t be able to see me & he will barely talk to me – he will 100% log off, mid conversation & not chat to me until he just rocks up at my house, because tomorrow he’s planned to see me, so he won’t message me in the morning, of course! But during the damage control period, he told me that he’s got a mega long shift on the Friday of my birthday, that I am happy about it knowing that I will at least get our 30 minute phone call. I am trying to relax about the texting because our relationship has evolved to the daily phone calls so we don’t text as much, I mean we both work but because we make time in other ways, does it really matter that we don’t text as much as we used too? I enjoy the calls everyday & honestly, it makes me miss him less because I’ve gotten more than just a text message that day – does that make sense?

I get a very bland Happy birthday message, I wasn’t expecting a lot but thought I might get an emoji or a kiss or a cute name, but he sends, “Good morning and happy birthday for today!” I say thanks, I am happy he remembered (probably because snapchat has a little birthday cake icon next to my name) but also disappointed that there isn’t any love in the message at all, that makes me kinda wish things were like they were last year, when he didn’t even know when my birthday was… It’s like a message you send your friend, not your girlfriend, your lover, the person you communicate with the most… I try not to dwell, though I feel like at the beginning of this V2.0 he was very vocal about his feelings, now I’m barely lucky if I get xxx or even just one x on messages. Let alone him telling me that he loves me or something nice about my appearance. It’s kind of like the six months we’ve been doing this is equivalent to the eight years we’ve known each other & we’re already in that comfortable stage which is usually when someone loses interest because as humans we seek that validation all the time so we seek it with someone new who will give it to us. I’m not saying I’m going to go out seeking that, I’ve sought that for many years from someone other than Phoenix & Phoenix is the only one ever in my life to stick it out & be brutally honest, that I can generally tell when he is lying to me. I’m not saying he’s never lied to me because I am certain he has – in fact conversations we have now show that he lied to me a lot when we had ended the first time.

He asks if the new job know about my birthday & they have added some balloons & some chocolates to my desk, so it’s cute, at least they did something. Why he decides to bring up my blog today, I don’t know but he asks, “Oh least they decorated for it you ! Haha so back to your blog ! You have started calling yourself a masosist Is that in regards to you enjoying pain during sex? Or just poor choices in regards to pursuing relationships, companionship or sex in general ?” I’m already sad I’m not going to see him today why would he ask this, “A little from column A, a little from column B. I don’t want to be someone alone forever, I don’t want to be… What did you call your wife’s best friend yesterday… ‘A sad single woman.’ So I keep looking & going back to guys because I felt like there was something there… Every time I was very mistaken.” I wish I was different, which is why I hate him reading my blog & psychoanalysing me, but having it up, he talks to me more… Even if it does make me feel shit about myself on my birthday, “Ive never thought of you as a sad single woman btw haha. Always cool, even after reading your blog, I do find it fascinating the psychology behind a woman that hasn’t had a long term relationship in many years however. Like how important it was to you to get sex on new years or something like your birthday that in most most long term relationships doesn’t happen or important. Married couples dont have sex on new years or even someone like that me that has had multiple long term relationships. I did know single women were most vulnerable and will to drop their values during the holidays peroid however … not sure why I know that. Eg make a poor choice and sleep with a married man.” Well that haha at the end of saying he doesn’t think I’m a sad single women says otherwise… “I have always been very concious, even though we dont see each other very much, of us being boring… I worked so fucking hard (more than you realise or is in my blog) on keeping things different every time…” He will probably never know how scared I am of being boring, if I am honest, that is my biggest fear now being boring & him just fucking me because he has too & talking to me because he feels obliged. “Well I kept things different despite never reading your blog until jan… I do find it odd however in regards to Milky… This guy introduces you to you to a kinky side… Basically stop looking for people to date or hook up with. Gives you the best sex ever to that point. Yet he gets like 4 entries… And very little sexual stories , literally just him doing some minor moves in a sentence. And an two entries regarding anal (finger then cock). You even stopped using a condom with him apparently. And saw him for 5 months. But in the end he literally gets fuck all entries for that time. And no detailed sex stories.” When I was seeing Milky, the blog wasn’t even on my radar, it wasn’t until he was long gone & things were over with Noodle before I started writing, so I think as you see my sex life evolve in the blog, you can also see my writing evolve. I mean I think with Milky I wouldn’t say vibrator, I said that he had a massager… “Becsuse firstly while he introduced me to a kinky world that I wanted to explore, but we actually never really did anything that kinky. He tied me up once. Maybe twice. I also never screenshotted anything because I wasn’t writing my blog at that time so I wrote most from memory… We had very repetitive sex.. And as you get further in to stores which go on a little longer, I do stop looking while I’m ‘seeing’ someone because I don’t really want to just fuck anyone or anything. The sex with him, while he did a few things to surprise me, was always him standing at the end of the bed, with my legs on his shoulders… Literally. Every time.” Phoenix thinks he should have gotten more entries & maybe he should have but like I said it was over  a year later that I started writing about it so I had to rely on my memories & with Milky, I was usually wasted. I mean look at how short they were in the start of the blog, less than 500 words, now they are usually over 2500 words. Phoenix says I was always sober with him & the fact that even after all this time & what a seasoned drinker I am, Phoenix has never seen me drunk, only tipsy online, which is a first. I have never been sober around someone so much ever, even with Boyfriend.

I say that I can’t believe some of the things I have done with him sober, I mean fucking at the train station or in the car wash, at least I was skinnier but the forest fuck now I am fatter surprises me but he says, “you are not that fat “ which I say thanks for adding that. He says he did that on purpose “Yeah cos you think I’m fat. Especially now your wife is skinny.” Which interestingly, he never denies that she is skinny… & that also solidifies my assessment of his pulling away, she’s lost weight & feeling better about herself so fucking him more & I still fuck him but am really down on myself so she’s the more positive one for a change.

We talk on the phone twice at both his breaks, before we hang up, I mention that my parents usually take me out for dinner every year just the three of us, but this year they were supposed to be away, so I had no plans. I have bought everything to make a chicken lasagne thing because I am not sure that Phoenix will plan this picnic for tomorrow, that he wants to take me on & because I don’t ever had a lot of food in my fridge in case he doesn’t organise anything, I think this will be a good option, what a rocking birthday evening, making food for Phoenix! Then last minute, my dad texts happy birthday & says that if I am free for dinner that they are going out with my sister & brother plus their families. Are you fucking kidding me?! It’s my birthday & I’m the last to be invited? Phoenix agrees with me & thinks that’s fucked, the noise he makes when I tell him that they are all going, validates my feelings on how shit this made me feel. My dad says it’s because it was a surprise. I said ‘surprise I’m  busy!’ I end up going because I don’t want to be alone feeling shit about my life & 44th birthday. I make the lasagne & go out to dinner. Unprecedented, Phoenix comes back online tonight, talking for a short time about his Facebook page & the fact that Chelsea Handler has contacted him to do a collab, (which turns out to be a scam), he says that google took the monetisation away from his blog because they say that he faked clicks, which he says he didn’t & that Guy Sebastian’s team contacted him too. Before going I ask him is he has anything to say to me & he says “Happy Birthday fuckhead !” saying he’ll see me tomorrow. No hugs, no kisses, no I love you, not even love you or luv ya… I have never felt so insignificant in my life.

#IBD4U

August 2025 – Damage Control

Easter weekend means a post everyday!

03 August 2025 – Phoenix’s response to me being angry is to play the game who can be the most angry. Which is just fucked. When we talk about the ‘stand off’ later I explain that we are basically fighting for weeks about the same thing because we now text for like one hour a day max – in the scheme of things. As it’s not in person, I don’t get to say something shit then storm off & come back 20 minutes later to finish the discussion. Because if I ‘storm off’ while texting him, he’ll go offline & won’t come back for 23 hours acting like nothing has happened.

I don’t want to go see him today but I also do… I know he is working both days this weekend. I got up early & go to the shops thinking that he’ll ask me to come before my lash clients yesterday but he didn’t speak to me much – even after saying how much he missed me & then was home without saying a word. I am fucking pissed. I don’t see how he can just be ok with logging off & not chatting to me? Someone who says they love me & think about all the time – well come to think of it, he hasn’t said anything sweet & comforting to me in months – let alone anything about love.

I barely get conversation from him knowing he is working from 12:00pm today, I had my niece sleep over so I decide to drop her home around the time I think he will have a break & I think that I’ll just sit at my sisters until he messages. But she is out so I drop my niece off to her at the shops. Still nothing from Phoenix. I go through the car wash. Still nothing from Phoenix. I’ve had a good morning message & a snap when he got to work. For someone that said they are going to try to communicate better this is just disappointing. I am fucking annoyed & do not want to hang around another suburb waiting. I say “I’m at the suburb, so you know what time your break is, Mr I-need-to-communicate-better?” He says he’ll be at lunch around 3:00pm. I ask if he wants to see me or if I should just go home? I get nothing, ten mins go by, twenty minutes go by, nothing. I know he is at work & not always able to message right away but this is fucked. I write that I am just going home, because he clearly doesn’t give a fuck & I say have a good night.

I drive home, which is another twenty minutes. I am annoyed at myself because this is just going to make it worse & there is no other time to see him with my new job. If we don’t see each other, I know he won’t call me to try to make amends, then I have sent a pretty loud message… I get home & see my nieces pillow sitting in my lounge room. If I drop it off then I’ll be close to Phoenix’s work by 3:00pm to see him, if he messages. So I decide to delete the message saying goodbye & that he doesn’t want to see me, drop off the pillow & it’s 3:10pm with no message from him STILL!!! Over an hour & nothing.

I figure I just really need to go home, but no bitchy comment, just go home & say I went home, if & when I ever hear from him again. But as I get to the point from my sisters to where I turn left & head home or turn right & head to his work, he messages. I look & it says that he’ll be half an hour – so 3:30pm! Fuck sake, over an hour since I message to say I was at the suburb over. My sister was going to come get my niece, but I didn’t want to miss seeing him, even though he could have seen me yesterday or called but claims he doesn’t know what I do with clients – um ever since we’ve started this lunchtime catch up thing, I have started clients at 11:00am. So I call bullshit on that reason!

Anyway I head to his work, messaging asking if he even wants to see me, I get no reply. I am less than ten minutes away so I drive to the beach & sit there for five minutes deciding if I should even be here. I am trying to be rational, I know he is at work, he tells me all the time he is ‘so busy’ & can’t message me all the time. I don’t think I am asking too much with the precedence he set early on in this affair v2.0.

I drive back to this work & send a snap that against my better judgement, I am there. Still waiting for a reply, that never comes. But he comes & gets in my car, kisses me hello… & I am drawn back in. However, I do get out some of the things pissing me off & he laughs when he says ‘all I know is, I’ve missed you.’ I ask why he laughed, I don’t say that I feel like he is not being genuine but he says it’s because he’s being vulnerable & he doesn’t do vulnerable well. I feel like we will never change, he will communicate poorly, I will get pissed off & I will have to be the one that fixes it.

I don’t even know he thinks about me like he says he does except, I have a birthday looming, it’s on a Friday so he is barely going to chat to me & it will piss me off. But he’s booked the Saturday off work & faked a shift to be with me. I don’t know why though he needs to fake it for 6:00am. He often starts at 7:00am. I just know that if he comes over at 6:00am, he’ll want to leave by 10:00am being his kids are home alone. Plus he gets here at 6:00am, I am going to still be sleepy & then we aren’t going to get up & do anything… He says he wants to go on a picnic, but when the fuck is he going to plan that?! To get picnic stuff before he gets here at 6:00am or will he expect that to be part of the date? He says that he can organise it when I ask if I need to do anything, but I say what is he going to do, hide cheese & crackers in his fridge?! Maybe he’ll organise the Amazing Co picnic that I suggested ages ago & really want to do with him? Whatever, not my problem. I have a boyfriend, who is not a planner, I guess I just have to be happy that he has at least planned to take the day off…

Hours later he hasn’t looked at my messages but I had told him that I had deleted messages & so later he says ,”Oh you did delete some chats you angry lady!” & after I say ‘yes I did‘, he then says goodnight… Great chats Phoenix, great chats!

---

04 August 2025 – I say good morning first, even though I know he is 100% up – don’t give me bullshit about sleeping in, but I just try to keep the mood light, the end of this week is my birthday & don’t want to be fighting when I see him Saturday. I mention that all our snaps are now of food & he says that it’s because we’ve always talked about food, dieting & weight loss, but then he says, “We need to do some dirty snaps. Ir. I miss you trying to get my attention to fuck you 😜” Is this the problem?! We’ve not been talking about sex much? We only had sex twice in July & three sexless dates that were all lunch breaks… I did tell him when he first read my blog that I used sex to get boys to like me, it worked with him & now we have sexless dates he isn’t as interested… Could that be it?!

We talk on the phone today, for hours… So unusual for us lately, & I talk dirty to him on the phone & via text afterwards… If I want to make this week good & him still see me for my birthday, I have to push all my feelings aside… He asks if I want a date or sex for my birthday & I say that I want both. I ask if he has planned something & he says that he hasn’t but was thinking a picnic with me. He’s said on his whiteboard that he’s working 6:00am – 2:00pm, I say that I don’t get why he says so early, because he starts at 7:00am all the time. So either that’s fucking bullshit & he says that he starts at 7:00am so he can use that as an excuse why he didn’t chat to me till later in the day or he just didn’t think & said 6:00am as that’s his usual. I just say whatever, that he has a key to my house so come at 6:00am, come at 7:00am – whatever, he’ll need to leave between 10:00am to 12:00pm anyway so doesn’t matter what time he comes over… He then says that he should go, I say, “Oh forgot, pumpkin time… Unless your FB page calls… Night.”

---

05 August 2025 – I ask this morning about his thought process, not to have a go at him, but to understand his point of view better “Can I ask you a question about how your brain thinks about me…? So yesterday we spoke on the phone for like 2 hours, I guess on & off… Then last night, your only night to chat to me freely, you were sporadic… I’m not having a go at you. I just want to understand cos I figured it was cos you just think – well I spoke to her for hours so don’t need to chat or if you even notice that you didn’t chat much or if you thought you did chat a lot…” I get a signature Phoenix rant back ”Number one anything I needed to say to you I said to you that day so not much to chat about via text … There is only so much I can talk to you about in one day. Number 2 I was slightly distracted, I got a copyright warning yesterday for a fucking meme, an Aussie related one so I was going down a rabbit hole trying to figure it out. I ve never had a copyright warning ever. Especially for a meme or image. Number 3, Im busier than you think at night between 5pm and 9pm. I cook dinner for kids , do all my washing up and packing of the dishwasher, prep their lunches for the following day, prep their school uniform , feed all the animals , prep my uniform if I have work, and shower my daughter which is quite a bit of effort because she has bad skin conditions like eczema. So I need to monitor her temp of her water, monitor what she is washing with , then dry her off personally , then use a fucking hair dryer to dry her skin. Then apply steroid creams if she needs it. Then apply moisturiser. Also dry and brush her hair. She is a fuck ton more effort than my son. My son by the age of 7 just jumped in the shower, needed no monitoring or help , didn’t need to do hair because he is a boy lol, and didn’t have any skin conditions.  The meme I got a warning from had oz aerobic images in it ….the admin at another page reported me. They did not own the image , I got their personal name and e-mail due to the copyright and contested it with Facbeook and emailed them directly if they owned the images , and that the company that owns the images still exists , even pulled up their abn, there linked in profiles, etc. And checked Aussie copyright law for memes, the images within a meme belong to the original copyright owner. You can’t claim copyright on a image you dont own just because you slap some text on it. They have emailed me back saying they are retracting the copyright claim. My personal account got a warning and a message saying they will basically reduce the algorithm of my page. Which pissed me off even more as they are literally copying posts but remaking them. But with 700k followers do alot better  So no weird thing how my brain works. With ADHD im also doing 3 things at once physically and 10 things once in my head if that makes any sense to your ADHD brain. Which also keeps me pretty busy  There was no thoughts of… well Ive done my #IBD4U time for today she doesn’t need anymore nor does my brain work like that when it comes to you. We also have a better verbal relationship than we do text now. Husbands and wifes don’t chat all day via text. They call or speak in person  The other page has been inactive since my page was montiized. I am 100% certain they got monitized this week and are suddenly active. Including copying my posts. But recreating them”

So this helps a little because now I know he is just not ignoring me, he says that he doesn’t want to share his boring stuff but I think that will help & he always did before! First he just wrote an essay – didn’t he say at the beginning of that rant, that he’d said all he needed to say on the phone?! & if he keeps blaming his ADHD & doing three things at once, wouldn’t dealing with is Facebook shit & chatting to me be two of those things?! Also why is this the very first time I have heard about him having to adjust the temperature of the shower & blow dry his daughter’s skin?! She’s seven! Surely he would have mentioned this before now? Especially since a few months ago he would talk to me at night – all night, without this being an issue, but now he can’t because he’s got so many things to do… Not saying he doesn’t, but he pulled me in & now has pulled back & he refuses to admit it.

When we talk at our lunchtime phone call, we talk about this further. Husbands & wives don’t call but they get to chat face to face because they have that luxury. Phoenix & I don’t. We can only chat on the phone when he is alone. We can only text when he deems me important enough, but we also have to factor in that we do have to have lives. But because we get such limited time, we have to make it work in different ways than a conventional relationship. We embarked on the most unconventional relationship, so we need to do things that may not be conventional. He compares us a lot on his relationship with his wife, I get that, assuming they don’t text a lot of mundane shit like we do, they don’t talk for hours on end on the phone, so he thinks that’s life. It’s their life. It’s the life of a live in relationship for many. Sleep, work, watch TV. That’s not our relationship, right now. But we’re also not seeing each other all the time, sleeping in the same bed. We get the fun parts (except when I am annoyed) but we seem to have sorted it out. Will anything change? I don’t know… Only time will tell.

He says, “I dont like to bore you with my boring stuff “ Oh right, “So you’d rather me think you’re just sitting there not wanting to chat to me?! 🤔” But he says no. I try to say goodbye but he says he can still chat, so I say that he usually goes early on a Wednesday, he says that it’s Tuesday & that he should go… Fuck, “I’m so glad you stuck around for those 3 messages…! I take back my kisses since I got none, So fuck you.”

#IBD4U

July & August 2025 – Japan

31 July 2025 – In the morning, despite being in the mindset that I don’t want to be an obligation, if he doesn’t want to call, then he doesn’t have too. But my sassiness overrides my need for not being an obligation “He came with you to pick up your daughter?? & you snapped me? How did you explain that pic then? Anyway whatever, your not obliged to chat or call. So you do what you need to do.” He says “Okay well good Morning sexy bitch !” but again today I’m getting sporadic messages at best, hours in between, is he at work? Is he off? I don’t want him to have to send me his roster, but it definitely helped – or did it?! I don’t want to see it so I can track him, his wife does that enough for both of us, I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me, but I think it helps because otherwise I just assume he’s up at 4:00am & doesn’t write to me till 8:00am & I feel like I am so insignificant, being that is the only time he gets to actually write to me.

He asks around 12:00pm if I am going to call, but I am in training till 1:30pm, so as I am walking to the car I say that I am on my way home, not knowing his schedule so I don’t want to call, is his kid home, is she home now, is he working till 3:00pm? So I wait for him to read the message & it takes him over 30 mins to which he just says, “Ahh if you are home before 3 give me a call.” Oh ok, so he doesn’t want to talk to me while I’m driving, he can see I am driving home from Murray Bridge so I am own my way home. I will get home at 3:00pm, so I just say nope & goodnight. Also I throw in that he should have a good weekend, being she’ll be off the whole weekend & fuck knows what his schedule is. He says “ahhh okay?”, I don’t respond for ages, when I know he is offline – I don’t know why I do that, but I do, so I say, being little miss sass “What’s with the ? You’re a busy man with a family & a wife who’s off work, so you can’t chat to me 24/7. So whenever your busy schedule allows, see if I fit in there somewhere – because apparently the hour drive home wasn’t fitting in with your life for a call… But I wouldn’t know that would I? 🤷‍♀️” I honestly don’t know how long I can keep this up for, I wish sometimes that he would just end it because I sure as fuck am not able too.

At 9:00 pm again, tonight, he is posting on his Facebook page – so much for ‘always’ struggling to stay awake & ‘always’ being asleep before 9:00pm & forcing himself to wake up to chat to me. What a fucking piece of shit liar. Before he can bullshit me & say that it’s one of his other admins, his post has Papa Roach lyrics so I know it’s him & his post are obviously him & his other admin posts are very clearly written differently.

---

01 August 2025 – You all know I love travel. I am a travel bug. I want to travel as much as I can. However, in 2023 my passport expired & I haven’t renewed it. I also haven’t been overseas since I went to Hawaii in 2017, way back in affair number one, when things were good. Phoenix had mentioned back in March that he didn’t go to the Falling in Reverse concert with his family because it would be too expensive & he wanted to get passports. I asked where he wanted to go & he said Japan to Disneyland. Which is super cool, but back in March I never thought much of it.

My cousin is getting married in Africa in November that I had mentioned that I wanted to go, being I’d probably never go to Africa otherwise. I do the passport application but never have the money to go renew it. I seem to be struggling & not saving so as the date gets closer, I realise that I probably won’t be going, but who knows, I have a new job which pays more but doubt I can get time off in November now. Turns out, my cousin postpones her wedding until 2026, so I look forward to going then!

So when Phoenix mentioned in a phone call one day, (when we had them!) that he has withdrawn $15k off his home loan & he’s doing the passport applications for a two day trip to Japan in October, my heart sinks. He also drops in that his family have an annual trip on the long weekend too, so that’s why he can’t go to Japan for long. His parents pay for this long weekend trip – I forgot to ask where they are going. But I think it’s absolutely insane to go overseas for two days & when he says that he’s looking at staying at the airport hotel so they don’t have to go far, I wonder what is the point? I suggest they go for week & go see some other places, also he says that staying at Disneyland is pretty cheap (relatively) & I say to him that they are probably only going once so stay there.

He talks about the passport process & having to get the pictures verified. I am struggling hard core with this now that he’s actually going to go on a family holiday which makes this situation I am in even more real & fucked up. I call this man my boyfriend. I am not chatting to anyone else. I’m not seeing anyone else, I barely chat to J-Lo or Rob Rob. I don’t even flirt with anyone at all. I am in this, I am in this as his girlfriend. I treat him with respect & devotion. I want this man as my partner but do I really want this to happen? I want the family holiday. Travelling is my dream, my want in life… How could he want to do this with someone else? I am 100% in this with him & I can barely hold his attention & get messages more regularly than 23 hours.

Maybe this infiltrates our conversations after he mentioned it, every time he brings it up, my heart breaks a little – especially paired with his distance, that I pull away a little more each time. He doesn’t get it. He never will, because do you know, if the shoe was on the other foot & I was the partnered one, he would not wait around like I do. He would be fucking everything he could & chatting to everyone – he does that now when he has a wife & a mistress so there is no way he’d wait around! He doesn’t understand why it upsets me that I wait 23 hours for a message with his dumb excuse vomit of the same shit over & over – I can’t chat to you 24/7 (which I never asked for) or I am a busy person (Like I am not busy!) or that he falls asleep early or that he can’t message me around his wife. He doesn’t understand that when he is in a time frame that he can message me in, that it fucks me off that I am not on his radar to message me. He says he thinks about me all the time, but how can that be true if he can take so many hours to write back to me? I obviously have notifications on, so I see it on my watch & then I’m a fucking fuckwit that can’t leave the message there unread. So I think I’ll half swipe to read it, but then I think he’ll see I’ve been online, so I read it & decide to leave it on read but then I don’t want to play a game so I reply, thinking the next message will be the one I leave unread. But I fucking write back within ten minutes all the fucking time… & the cycle continues because I can’t resist the messages because I never know how long before he disappears, so I’m a dumb fuck wanting to get in as much messaging as I can.

So when he talks more & more of Japan, I am happy for him but fucking heart broken for me. He is going to go on the long weekend trip with his whole family, then go to Japan & he won’t chat to me at all… When I mention about him chatting while in Japan he says he will fit me in, but he can’t even fit me in when we’re in the same time zone & he has a whole house to hide in & errands to do, so how, in a compact hotel, does he think he is going to message me?!

Our snapstreak ends, again! 123 days… He messages in the morning “Good morning. Im working this weekend both days , the morning on Saturday but thr afternoon on Sunday. Ive missed seeing you and missed our phone chats over the last few days. I fucking hate sometimes that I have to ask you to see me or talk to me my on terms… And its part of the reason I back down when you get angry, sad or hurt at me … I dont want to look like a retard begging you to make some effort with me for you to dismiss me. I obviously back off… and im just not as good as you think I am with conflict. I dont know. All I know is I miss you.” Well fuck. I boost his fixing ego all the fucking time & he can’t do the same to make me feel less invisible… “Well you’ve had opportunities to call me both days (from my perspective) & didn’t. So I’m not going to be an obligation & beg you when I have no idea of your schedule… You know mine, so the ball is always in your court. It has to be on your terms because I am always available when you aren’t so busy.  I’m sick of planning ideas in my head of when I’ll see you – like weds for example, I was like I’ll go home instead of the office then Phoenix could probably come see me. But I only got two messages before midday & one of them was to say you son is sick. Then barely anything after that all day. I am not an obligation, so you can talk to me, see me, fuck me whenever you can fit it in. I’m done planning – stupidly in my head & being disappointed. So when I get home from work I say goodbye, because I don’t want to feel like a fool waiting around for you for hours, when you supposedly miss me.”

He says, “I couldn’t of seen you Wednesday and you know I would of ! I dont want you feeling like a fool so I that is very justified. I was hoping you would ring me for your drive.” I don’t think he would have seen me… I genuinely don’t… “I didn’t know what you were doing… Working, wife, kids, mowing the lawn… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Anyway, have a good day. Chat tomorrow.” He says that he asked if I was going to ring him, “At 12, was 2 when I was free… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Didn’t know if you were at lunch… Or had a kid home sick still…. 🤷🏼‍♀️” But he says that he had the day off & that he should have told me… I mean I am not a mind reader & don’t want to call him for him to be offline or unable to talk & me look more foolish! “Same with weds, how was I supposed to know your kids was home sick, with the 2 messages you sent before lunch??” When he says the most ridiculous thing ever, “I need to try and improve my communication I guess.” As if he is capable of that, just as much as  I am capable of not getting pissed off when this is what has become of our communication. “Well, it’s always as been & always will be on your terms, your availability. I am always available, always getting your notifications so when I back off because I feel like a fuckwit for begging for a second of your time over mowing your lawns, that you backing off more because you’re being a dickhead, does not make things better & we keep going around in circles… So again, I say goodbye cos I’m not waiting around for a snippit of your time anymore when I don’t know what you’re up too or what you want. Have a good day & night. Chat whenever.” & he says, “Im not doing it to be a dickhead I promise. Chat again soon fuck fish.”

---

02 August 2025 – I get five messages from Phoenix today before he says “You coming to see me tommorow for a break?” I mean I don’t even know when he’s working, so how could I even know or plan what I am going to do… “Don’t even know what time you’re working to even factor it in… So who knows…🤷🏼‍♀️ And you’ve been so chatty today, that I can’t contain my excitement to come see you. Enjoy your night.” Later he sends two messages with a photo “You are an easy lady to impress! Sneaky mowing message !” the picture is of his lawn mower.

#IBD4U