19 September 2025 – What do you know, he does not come back online on Friday, so he never reads my rant… I think of nothing but the conversation all day. How can he just log off & not give a fuck that he talked about us in past tense & that him not logging on would piss me off more than anything – but apparently he’s trying not to piss me off? Yeah, good one mate.
He fought for me, fought for this to be what it is & now he says that he didn’t mean for it to be this? Um excuse me, then why did he say that he was glad I was officially his girlfriend & that he wishes he talked to me more over the last five years? Why did he insist on sexless dates & insist that they be long dates too? I don’t understand this at all & I am shutting back down. Closed heart. Lost petals.
20 September 2025 – Almost 48 hours since I sent my rant, he hasn’t come back online… I don’t know why I bother to message first & say that I have no clients this weekend, maybe it’s because if I see him, things will be better & I’ll at least get sex this month. Around 10:00am he comes online letting me know he is at work today & tomorrow so he could see me for a bit tomorrow & he replies to my rant, “I actually did get busier … 🫣 I don’t know what to tell you Like this week I was organising my sons stuff on Wednesday around lunch time for his concert , then he was home on Thursday as the concert went fucking late so couldn’t send either kid to school. I may not be putting in as much effort, but it was not intential until you started getting cranky … My reaction to that is to not put in as much effort…” So he admits he’s not putting in effort, why can’t he just tell me what he’s up too so I don’t wonder? “I just wish you communicated more cos I would understand if you explained that if you worked 5 days, you can’t fake a shift to see me… I didn’t think about that, I just thought about me & you choosing not to seeing me… I’m putting in effort & wanting to see you still, chat & call… But I need you to want the same…” I don’t know why he started this or what he wants, “Well nothing has changed, and I 100% appreciate the effort of wanting to see me, and unfortunately circumstances has just changed where I can’t see you as much as I did before or even want too. I don’t chat to you as much or see you as much and I admit that , but everything is cicumcational mostly … There are times when you have gotten cranky where I have just gone fuck it… why am I even trying. And yeah the more you hassle me or get shitty att me , the more I do that. I am 100% a shit friend, always am, always will be. But I was trying! And wish I could give you more time.” Nothing has changed but his circumstances have? Yeah ok fuck fish. The circumstances of his wife being skinny & giving him attention, plus LMA, is what changed, he no longer needs me to fill the void, especially if I am being ‘needy’. I never asked for more time, he gave that freely, all I asked for was communication when he wasn’t able to give me his time – it’s that simple… “It’s not about more time though, I get if your genuinely busy, but you just shut down, you don’t tell me & so I question the legitimacy of the ‘busy’ cos I’m fucking busy too!! ‘Hey IBD4U, I really want to chat to you but I have to get this shit done for my sons concert, but I’m wishing I was chatting to you like I was before…’ Or when you saw me & I was pissed, a simple ‘I miss you’ rather than ‘don’t miss me too much’ turns the narrative back to you actually caring...” I don’t know why I am bothering, he’s likely to stop messaging any minute & this is really over, there is no point trying to reason with stupidity. I can’t even see a friendship at this point. “Well I’m not very good at that narrative and will probably never will be … I have my flaws and that’s one of them. I find it hard to care or to emphasise, and it’s not just you personally, I can struggle with my own kids. Sometimes I am better than other times. But yeah in my mind, I am trying, like I say I have rang you every day all week, Monday to Thursday, gone out of my way to message you Friday morning , even snap you to keep up a streak. All to have you be cranky at me on Saturday because I didn’t message you for 12 hours, or while I was taking a shit or mowing my grass. Well fuck I was trying all week and it is hard to message you. I’ve gotta download the app, to a two factor authicationt to a dodgy email just to message. But I was fuckin trying. And you just made me feel like I wasn’t. And I hate that so I try less it is how I work. You can’t disappoint yourself or others. If you are not trying.” I get his point of view, gone gone out of his way is a bit far when I never asked him to do that! While he’s said most of this before he makes it seem like I made him download the fucking app & spin me bullshit about not wanting to take me for granted, “I’m sorry for making you feel that way… You were good at reassuring me, at the start the you stopped… Which is why I overthink… You know that about me too. Can we hit the refresh button?” He doesn’t get it… “I never had to reassure you before though. And if I didn’t it was not international. I know I didn’t take you out for your birthday, but I did try hard!” He never had to because he was seeing me 2-3 times a week, came back online at night… “I had the reassurance that you wanted this.You called me cute nicknames & stuff…”
He’s not going anywhere now he’s on a rant about my birthday, “And for you to dismiss it and say it doesn’t matter because it’s your birthday. Again Im like. Well why the fuck do I try. I loved just hanging out with you for your birthday. Even if we did just have lots of sex !” That is not what I said about my birthday at all FFS, “I didn’t say it didn’t matter, I said it didn’t count, cos you should take me out for my birthday 🤣 I loved what you did for my birthday!! We hadn’t hung out just chilling for a while, cos you wanted dates so it was nice to hang out… But it fucking mattered to me that you made an effort on my birthday day, rang me 3 times, messaged at night… Then was here with flowers & platter stuff early the next day… That was so fucking special & sweet to me…” It was a special occasion so he should make it count, I didn’t dismiss it at all, I dismissed it as a date, because he should make my birthday special, which he did… I did not say that it didn’t matter! What a fucking way to twist what I said!!!
Then he says, “It going to be a struggle to have dates and shit.” Well, the day dates weren’t really happening anyway, & any time we’ve had a date recently, it’s been me taking him lunch to work. I don’t get why though, so he says “It was meant to be a struggle at the start but some we just got lucky with our circumstances , I was working way less, less weekends, you were working from home more, ettc. I did not think we would see each other as much as we did, but I made sure to because I could.” If it was supposed to be a struggle, why did he bother starting it at all?! We didn’t get lucky, he fucking pushed for it & made it happen!! He had to know that this wasn’t going to end well, especially since this is the first I’ve ever heard of it supposed to be a struggle – He was the one at the start who said he is committed to putting in effort…. But he says that things haven’t changed? “It’s not like I am messaging other chicks on snap or fucking my wife either , I am generally busy just doing boring adult shit , working, sleeping or general adulting. I always made sure to be appreciative if you made me lunch and fucking loved that you did and always fucking felt terrible if you did it and it didnt work out.” I believe that, I don’t think he is messaging other women, even though I say in posts that I think he is. I don’t really think he is…
He talks about lunch & me bringing it to him saying it’s ‘stressful’ planning his breaks as he never knows when it is, well it was pretty consistently the same time most Saturdays & Sundays so I don’t know why he was so stressed about it & this is now the first I’m hearing if this stress. He says that he always felt bad when it didn’t happen, when frankly, the only time it didn’t happen is when he didn’t communicate that he was working. I never rocked up pissed about him not knowing what time his break was! He asks what happened to me because I used to be more laid back, I was laid back when he was actively making me feel wanted, appreciated & loved, but now he thinks he is putting in effort by not chatting to me for 12+ hours & says that he’s busy when he does that – so how can I be laid back when I feel so disrespected & I can’t mention it because he feels attacked?
“I’ve have still gone out of my way to give you a daily message, just sometimes life gets in thr way… So then I get frustrated , because I am like, well why did I even bother …” I never asked him to go out of his way, as if he even says that to me, he chose to go out of his way, I didn’t push for that or want that & anyway, he hasn’t been messaging me daily for over a month now… Taking me for granted, knowing I will just be there when he’s deemed me worthy of a message. If he started that & is now annoyed that’s what I want, then that’s his fault, not mine. “For 4 months you prioritised messaging me, then you started pulling back.” His response to me being frustrated is to just be an asshole & log off, “Yeah because i started working 5 days a week. Sometimes 6. Or get smashed with 8 hour shifts. And My wife never sleeps. And I’m fucking tired. But all you do is mock me when I tell you that. Or think I am making it up or something. Work is very different since the other store shut down.” I mean 5 days a week, at 8 hours – that’s a regular full time job mate… What I work every fucking week with an hour commute each way! I don’t mock him at all, I don’t understand why he doesn’t see a fucking Dr.
He said to me a while ago that he didn’t want to be just sex to me & that is now what he is making us to be again. I say that I almost called an ambulance to rush me to hospital the other day with this weird pain & the man who is supposed to be my boyfriend didn’t even come back online. But I feel like I can’t even tell him that because we are not even friends at this point, “You can bother me with shit like. I’d rather you bother me with stuff like than just spending 30 minutes on the phone over analysing and critiquing my behaviour.” We don’t see it the same, “Well believe it or not, I don’t critise, I am over analysing yes, & I don’t like it… You just don’t realise how it feels to message & say I have to go to ED & might be rushed into surgery & you not come back online to read it… I had minor surgery on my gum & you spent 2 days with me… I’m genuinely sorry if you feel criticised. That’s not my intention, I just want you to see my point & how it feels to just hear I’m busy but no real explanation why so I make up my own explanation…” I genuinely hate that he thinks I am criticising him, that is not my intention, that is not who I am, I am trying to understand what the fuck is happening… He asked me to tell him when things upset me, I do & I am criticising him… Neither of us are going to win here. He can’t explain why he started this & drew me back in besides reading my blog, “Nothing was ever planned that is the problem 🤣 You seem to think I have this master plan for everything. I don’t. What ever happens happens …” He has to go, which is annoying but probably for the best because I don’t want to be seen as criticising him, before he goes he invites me to see him tomorrow for lunch but he never asks what was wrong with me or if I’m ok now.
16 September 2025 – So when V2.0 got into full swing, I stopped calling him Marvel, because it no longer felt right to have a random weird nickname for him from years ago – a nickname that didn’t suit the situation. I wanted to give him a nickname that suited him & our new dynamic. While I considered him my boyfriend – even though that word didn’t really suit our situation, he was more than a boyfriend to me, anyway I’d already used that pseudonym ‘boyfriend’ in the blog for the guy I owned my house with, thinking that I would have a nickname for someone I’m dating & as they turn into my partner, I wouldn’t ever need to use boyfriend again. I didn’t really want to use Phoenix real name, which was my first instinct because things were so good, which was what I did use in my diary version, because his real name is so fucking common, on every TV show or movie – even the docos I watch have someone of the same name I didn’t think it would matter, but I’m glad I found the perfect nickname Phoenix, because by the time I started posting about Phoenix, in real life he had already already changed back, so I was going to call him Marvel again, ‘the return of Marvel’ as he was back in full force. I felt that it would be inappropriate to post using his real name, but also didn’t want to use Marvel, as I did have a different dynamic, he wasn’t always like this, but now it only seems appropriate, to change his name again, which I’ve landed on another perfect nickname, Obsidian. This probably should have happened more than a month ago if I am truly honest with myself & the situation, we have been over for a long time, both just hanging on, me more than him, I held out hope that things would get better & he would fucking communicate properly with me, but now it’s only appropriate that he officially be re named to Obsidian. Signaling the end of affair v2.0.
In 2020, when this affair rekindled after he got married – because I pushed for it, I realised that Marvel was the ash I settled for, but in 2025 I changed his name to Phoenix because he was the fire I never thought I’d feel. That was the v2.0 of him that rose from the ashes of everything we’d burned through, but fires don’t last if you don’t stoke them. He stoked it, then let it burn out. Whatever we were, had burned so hot it melted our icy hearts – if only for a moment, & then, just as suddenly, it cooled into something dark, hard & unfamiliar. That’s when he became Obsidian. The definition of Obsidian, it forms when molten lava cools so quickly that it becomes smooth, black & reflective instead of turning into rock. That’s what happened to us. We cooled so fast that whatever heat & softness we once had between us, hardened into something dark, sharp & distant. What’s left is something I can’t hold onto without cutting myself, something that looks familiar but is no longer warm to the touch. & while desperately trying to hold onto him despite his actions, he carved another scar into my heart — deeper than the other three scars he’s left there. I have a wound that I know will never fully heal. He was my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend, my sexual twin, my confidant, my everything… Realising now that I wasn’t any of those things for him, I was just the hole he put his dick in. He slowly, slowly slipped away until he became a stranger I no longer recognise.
Remember when he was Marvel, the man who messaged sporadically, caught up with me once a month, showed no real feeling & barely pretended to be interested? That version of him was distant, inconsistent & always half there. Somehow, Phoenix has now circled back to that place… Only worse. He hasn’t just slipped into Marvel’s old habits; he’s become something even colder, harder, & far more unreachable. I can’t call him Marvel anymore, that name doesn’t fit the way he’s changed. Obsidian has evolved. It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Mr Big has heart surgery, how he gives Carrie this soft, hopeful moment before he falls asleep, only to wake up the next morning acting like none of it ever happened. That’s what this feels like with Obsidian. A moment of warmth, a flicker of true connection, followed by a coldness so abrupt it leaves you blinking, wondering if you imagined the whole thing. Did I imagine the whole Phoenix chapter? Was it all a dream?
This is Obsidian. I have said that my life is a replica of Sex & the City. Being pulled back in & discarded too easily. Obsidian has done the same thing to me for eight fucking years… The part I don’t understand is how he says now that ‘this wasn’t meant to be what it is.’ UM, what the actual fuck?? I didn’t ask for this, in fact I was weary of it from the start, even when he started saying he wanted sexless dates, I still tried to make the about sex. He pushed & pushed, he consistently messaged me breakfast pictures or some other shit from 4:30am, took me on dates, brought me flowers & jewellery & he even noticed when I was down in the dumps at work & perked me up. Now I cannot show any emotion to him, because if I do, he pulls away, saying I am criticising him & because our relationship – while it did evolve to calls & dates, it was still mostly online so he can just log off without a care, blaming his lack of empathy or undiagnosed ADHD. I totally understand that what I say comes across as criticism, but I am genuinely just asking for him to explain & I am trying to give my perspective on how I feel & my perception of what is going on, but Obsidian is allowed to be 100% his narcistic self, blaming me & saying I am always cranky & criticising him but I am not allowed to be myself, ever.
Today though, my chat is back & normal. But I am still spending all my time unsaving every single chat & every picture in our Snapchat history, this is over & so our only remaining history is slowly being erased. We say our good mornings & I say, “Anyway, I’ll be sure to not take up your adulting time like yesterday. So chat when you can.” I just need to get some distance, back off & let him call the shots – as always, “You can take some of it.” Can I really?! Doesn’t feel like I can even take up a minute, I mean it’s too difficult to download the app now everyday… “It’s all good, I didn’t realise you regretted starting this, honestly. It’s fine. I’m not angry, it is what it is.” & he says, “I don’t regret it at all.” I guess he didn’t say regret, “Well, you didn’t say the word regret…” But I feel like he regrets it because he has said it wasn’t supposed to be this & it was apparently going to be harder to see me… He then talks about his broken phone & then says he’s heading offline & will chat tomorrow, I say, “It’s all good, you don’t need to say hello & goodbye anymore… Chat when you’re ready to have sex.”
A couple of petals meet their fate on the pile of other discarded red petals…
17 September 2025 – Because I said chat when you’re ready for sex, I’d let him off the hook, so when I get a message in the morning I am confused, he’s even asking how working out is going, I ask the same back, “Worked out this morning , well do so more painting , then need to go to city this afternoon to watch my son perform.” We don’t talk on the phone today but being the bitchy mole I am because he can’t possibly come see me in the city, that I say “Hope you survive the drive. And paying for parking.” & he says, “Me too!”
18 September 2025 – I don’t really recall having an age that was what people call the scary age. You know the age you don’t want to reach without being married with kids. After Boyfriend & I broke up I did make a pact with one of my bothers friends (at 25 years old!) that if I turned 40 & wasn’t married, that we’d get together. Which he was never my type but you know what, I could do a lot worse & to be honest, Obsidian is a cunt so I probably could be happy with my brothers friend, but anyway I guess that 40 back then was my scary age but as I got closer & closer to turning 40, I never really had that scary moment of needing to be with someone.
I never knew that other people would also have a scary age for me too… My parents. This year my parents got their caravan set up, after years of it sitting in the driveway, so as you know in June, we went on a mini break family holiday but because I had to spent over $500 on a cabin for me & the dogs, we talked about me buying a little pop top caravan too. I can’t really afford something I don’t know how much I’ll use, but my dad spoke to me on the side & said that mum & him were talking & because they have paid for some of my sister’s wedding & some of my brothers wedding, 20+ years ago, that they will give me some money for the caravan. My immediate thoughts, were that obviously my parents have now given up hope that I will get married & that 44 is their scary age for me. Wow, so now my parents have even given up hope that I am loveable… FUCK.
Since the June long weekend, my dad & I have been looking for a little caravan for me & the dogs, I was looking at pop tops but then when mum & dad offered some money, I started looking at vans that are a bit bigger. After I leave him on the 24 August 2025 – Heart Attack, telling him that I am meeting Dad to go look at the first Caravan, you’ll remember that Obsidian messaged me later to ask “You got a caravan yet loser?” I know our banter so I laughed. But now that I’ve bought one & picked it up last night, I don’t want him to know about it. I don’t want him to see it because he’ll do exactly to me what he hates about his wife & what she does to him, he’ll make fun of me for having it. I just don’t want to hear it. It’s not banter. It’s just him projecting what she does to him on me.
As Obsidian is being worse than ever with his communication & stubbornness I am glad that I didn’t let the thoughts of a future with him taint my purchase but man oh man I feel like such a fool, for even thinking about his kids when I was looking at how many beds & where the dogs would go & his kids… I know the situation I am in, but I think about him all the time & I factor him into more decisions than I should, when he can’t even factor me into his fucking day. I hate that when I was looking at some of the caravan’s that I was thinking about him & his kids, where they would sleep & how we could have family trips away… Of course, that’s never going to happen because even if he did split with his wife, she will never let us be happy, even if she is happy with someone else herself. So it’s fucking stupid. Luckily, when I find one that is the right price & the right set up, I don’t think about the fact he won’t fit in the main bed at all or where his kids will sleep. They can sleep in their beds, at home with their mum & dad, who are having kinky sex with some other dude, in the next room for all I care…
I genuinely don’t like telling him about anything anymore, even when I mentioned that I might be going to Africa – all the while he was planning Japan, he made me feel like shit & only had bad things to say about me potentially going – he said stuff about being robbed or it being unsafe. When I think back, there hasn’t been a lot of positivity from Obsidian about anything I have done? This new job is the exception, it’s the only thing he’s ever really been positive about & I think that was purely because he wanted me to be more preoccupied so he could pull away for his wife & LMA – who are skinny, fun & flirty, not bitchy when being ignored – because they aren’t ignored! I don’t want to tell him about the caravan & I don’t. I don’t post on Snapchat about it, even though he is not really looking at my stories regularly anymore. Let’s face it, Obsidian hasn’t been at my house for more than three weeks now & was only 15 minutes anyway, so it’s not like he’s going to be going out of his way to come over so he won’t see it. I did say that I wanted to christen it with him when it was hypothetical, but I’d just rather keep this stuff to myself now. I don’t want him to see it & tell me all it’s flaws, I know what needs to be done to it, it’s from 1986. I don’t need him making me feel shit for something I am excited about.
I know he doesn’t feel like it, because he has told me recently that I have mocked him for being tired, I am not mocking him, I am trying to understand how a healthy 40-year-old man can be so fucking tired all the time & not go see a dr about it. I am always his biggest supporter, I am constantly giving him ideas for his Facebook page that he never takes, I am always telling him that he’s not fat & he looks good. I haven’t in a while given him any other reassurance & honestly, that’s mainly because I get nothing from him ever – even that one time I asked for it directly. I got nothing. He recently called me smart which I don’t believe, he used to say something about how sexy he thinks I am but he never gives me any other reassurance, about us. There was a time when Obsidian was taking me out on dates, pulling my waist really tight when I asked for a photo. I got the reassurance I needed in his actions, he didn’t need to tell me because he saw me & I felt it. He said I used to have a heart of stone, but he melted it & is now somehow genuinely surprised when I have emotions. He should remember that he melted my stone cold heart when I first started saying stupid girlfriend stuff to him. I never would have admitted that to him, if I knew how this was going to go. He took me on dates, held me close, kissed me deeply, said things to me, he fucking pushed this & I fell for it hook, line & sinker & now he’s surprised that I’m pissed off that he doesn’t want it anymore.
He sees a Snapchat story about me being in pain, it’s so excruciating that I am genuinely concerned about it, so he says that he hopes I am not in too much pain, he asks what it is & I don’t know but I have an ultra sound next week, but I don’t want to bother him with the nitty gritty but he says he wants to know I am okay. So I say I’m okay, no need to worry… Hours later with no reply, I say, “You don’t need to worry about the pleasantries. I’ve finally caught up, sorry it took me so long & sorry I tried for so long to fix this & forcing you to work on it with me. You said you don’t know what you want & then Monday you said you wish you never started this. I’m caught up, I won’t fight for it, I won’t beg you like the fool I’ve been… We can just go back to the old times when we’d send half a dozen messages to set up sex. Again, sorry for it being so long to realise what you were trying to do all along.” I don’t know why are we bothering to keep some sort of friendship?
He writes back – even though I didn’t think he would later that night about 5:30pm, “I wasnt trying to do anything.. I do want us to be good friends … I just dont want things complicated all the time that I upset you weekly and generally make you unhappy everytime I can’t talk to you …I genuinely loved hanging out with you and pushing our friendship forward, but hate the way it complicated things… I am genuinely legit busy… I can assure kids suck and keep you busy on top of normal life things … Obviously my reaction is to pull back… when I cant give what you want , I give you less because I just dont know what do … in my mind I was always trying hard , and you made me feel I wasn’t…and you actually feel that way.” Notice how he said ‘loved’ past tense… But he never understands, all I wanted was communication…
Later that night I write back, knowing he won’t write back to the next day, “It got complicated Obsidian because your wife got skinny & you started pulling away, which upset me but instead of being an adult & talking to me, you pull away more, which made me angry, so that made you pull away more… YOU pushed the friendship forward & when I said I didn’t think I was single, YOU pushed the boyfriend girlfriend thing – YOU bought me a bracelet. YOU messaged me from 4am to 5pm, hundreds of messages then coming back online around 9 to 🎃 o’clock, to daily phone calls & catching up 2-3 times a week – even pushing me for sexless dates. Now I’m lucky if I get 2 messages a day, IF you even message me at all, hardly any phone calls – when you did call on Monday you then told me off for taking up your time & you said you wished you didn’t start this, so I hung up. We don’t catch up at all unless I make the drive, which I haven’t & what do you know? I haven’t seen you for 2 weeks! Hearing the man who called himself my boyfriend, now saying every time he does talk to me, that he’s ‘too busy’ to message me, starts to take its toll. So I genuinely ask you how can you possibly think you are putting in effort?? Help me understand, because I truly don’t want to stop being your girlfriend, but I cannot hear that I am ‘so busy’ one more time.“
V2.0 is over, as much as I don’t want it to be, I don’t see how we can go back to how it was pre v2.0 like last year & I don’t see it even going back to being fuck buddies or even stayimg friends. This new dynamic is what I need to be ok with, or I need to let him go. The petals are falling, I know slower than you think they should, because I should have given up on this long ago, but my heart won’t let me.
I do however, take back the Papa Roach post, Obsidian isn’t welcome, I won’t leave a light on for him, as soon as I get my keys back, the light is off. I can’t see us even being friends, let alone good friends. He used me for a third fucking time to fill some void in his life while his wife was ignoring him, probably chatting to some other bloke, but I loved our relationship moving forward. I never asked him for much besides better communication, I certainly didn’t ask him to start this, & I won’t ask anything of him ever again, except for my keys back.
12 September 2025 – Today is 200 days since Affair 3 V2.0 started. Let’s recap, because I did not ask for this, I didn’t ask for Phoenix to change the dynamic. But he did, in a big way. If I am honest with myself, this lasted a lot longer than I expected – even though I never wanted it to end, I am surprised he took so long to pull back in this way & I’m surprised I allowed myself to be involved in this for so long, being treated so poorly. In usual Phoenix fashion, he significantly changed at the six month mark, right after my birthday – like he was waiting for that milestone to pass because he couldn’t do it before that, so he plodded along & after my birthday, bam he was out like lightening. But really, it was around the time I said we were boyfriend & girlfriend that this went awry, like he couldn’t handle it & just dwindled off from there, slowly dying, slowing making me fall out of love with him a little bit everytime he treated me like an option…
In September Phoenix has seen me once, because I went to his house to get my keys back – which I am kicking myself that I didn’t get them back now. I never ask for him to come see me anymore because when I do, he always has an excuse, I barely even ask him to come to my house to meet me, so when I stupidly mention on the phone, that he could come to meet me in the city for lunch & his response is how far it is & that he has to find parking, petrol (before the petrol crisis!) blah blah blah, that I say don’t worry. Is that the words of a boyfriend who said only a few months ago that he wanted to see me as much as he could? Is that the words of a man that when I said taking this new job would change things for us & he replied, ‘we will make it work’? Is that even the words of a best friend? Hell they’re not even the words of a fuck buddy. This man is not even a fuck buddy. Well, you have to have sex to be fuck buddies… So really, we’re just occasional chat buddies with an occasional hook up. We are nothing.
He barely texts anymore. When he started this he’d message all morning, & come back online most nights, the nights started dwindling, I tried to pull back on the nights so I didn’t feel like shit when he didn’t come back online but he said he didn’t want that, but in the end he pushed me to say goodbye at 3:30pm every day when I go home from work. Now Phoenix is so tired in the mornings & all of a sudden he’s a zombie when he gets up that he won’t talk until after 9:00am, most days even later, with his very long & thought provoking message of ‘goodmorning’ which takes so much time to write. I honestly don’t know how he finds the time to fit that into his day anymore. I know he’s told me that he has to download the app, log in with two-factor authentication with an email, so it is a head fuck, I get that, however I just want to shout at him when he says that to me that ‘I didn’t ask for this!’ He chose to make this what it was, two-factor authentication or not! & if I’m not worth that, then it’s truly over for me. I stick around for sex… Whenever that may be.
Of course, the more I pull away, the more he pulls away saying he’s protecting himself… FROM WHAT??? His life won’t change, he has his family, his busy busy life, he just won’t have to put up with me & my apparent resting bitch face anymore. He barely sees, chats or talks to me so really, if he loses me now, nothing will change for him anyway… So what the fuck does he need protecting from? He doesn’t love me, this isn’t love. He loves a version of me that he made up in his head & that was about sex… No one & I mean no one can be this mean, even as a narcissist & someone without empathy, can’t be this mean. I am literally nothing to him. He doesn’t write more than half a dozen messages to me anymore in a whole day at work – you guessed it because work is now off the charts busy because of the store closing – IN FUCKING MARCH! It’s so busy because he has LMA, not because that store closed… & so he doesn’t want to take out his phone to message. I get he works at a supermarket, so he can’t just message every five seconds, but six messages in a eight hour shift… Yeah ok Phoenix.
I have been trying to be fun & jovial, because apparently I can’t show my true feelings when he treats me like an option but it hasn’t made any difference, he calls me at lunch without letting me know when he’s going to call, we chat, I keep it light, I try not to talk too much about work. I mean even when he asked about my adenomyosis – something that I think is causing me a lot of pain recently, & I was explaining it, he cut me off to talk about something else unrelated – I think about his Facebook page & you guessed it when I said something about him cutting me off, he blamed his undiagnosed ADHD. He never used to cut me off like that before when talking about something significant, especially something he didn’t know anything about. Usually, he’d be googling at the same time to research whatever we were talking about – the tummy tuck surgery is one example that comes to mind. He uses everything as an excuse as to why he’s a prick, no mate, you’re just a narcissistic prick. You don’t have anything wrong with you; you’ve taken my meds & felt no different.
We chat a little on this Friday about the #IBD4U movie casting again, nothing terribly exciting & we talk on the phone for his lunch break, as I said less & less minutes on the phone. He looks at a story of my 1.1kg jar of Biscoff but I’ve already said goodnight, I am not messaging when he messages later.
While I am sad about it, I no longer have a boyfriend & I don’t know if this can ever be repaired, I will continue the friendship part – if you can even call us friends at this point & I will just be available for the call but wont worry about the messages… It’ll be like when we used to message once every two-three weeks. He hasn’t been coming back online, he doesn’t tell me his schedule, so I start changing my clients back to earlier on a Saturday, I am not going to be visiting him at lunch for just his break & taking him food. While standing in the kitchen, making pinwheels waiting for him to reply, I finally get it. He doesn’t care about this, so why should I… I will no longer plan meals like I had been doing, making sure I had something tasty & healthy to take to him. That is how I show I love him, no matter if I rock up so fucking angry, I have a rocked up, I have brought food, warmed & wrapped in a tea towel to keep it warm on the drive, I bring cutlery, napkins, salt & pepper, a drink & a snack. Regardless of my resting bitch face, I do that & he can make me melt & he knows he can so easily with a few kind words, a touch or kiss but he chooses not to, leaving me wondering why I have been cooking for him, more than I do for myself so he can have a nice lunch & I get some time with my boyfriend. Also I have to have pre prepared meals because he’ll give me 20-30 minutes notice of his break & the drive is 20 minutes – that that’s not always his fault, just a fact, so if he can’t come to the city to see me for lunch because it’s too far & costs him money for parking, then my effort of going to see him with a fucking cooked, thought out, warmed up lunch is going to drop to the same level as him. 0%.
Another petal falls….
13 September 2025 – The next day he comes online telling me he’s not working on the weekend so he won’t be on much, that’s ok, at least he communicates it, I think the thing that upsets me about him finally communicating is that last night I made pinwheels for him for his lunch that I thought I would go to today… But no more. That was the last meal I will make for him.
I have no idea if he is just saying he’s not working so he doesn’t have to talk to me, or if he really isn’t working. I am not going to drive by to find out, does it matter at the point if he lies to me?! He’s lied to me this whole time telling me he wants to see me & chat to me when he really doesn’t… He asks a question about what I am doing this weekend, then never comes back online to read it, I send a snap to keep the streak going but it’s his turn again, it expires overnight & I feel like a twat!
I know I keep saying I am done, but then I keep trying, because I just fucking hold out hope we can go back to something that resembles a friendship.
14 September 2025 – Sunday he doesn’t come back online at all – not even to say hello!!! Are you fucking kidding me asshole??? Every time I open up his conversation on my phone says ‘something is wrong, please check back later.’ WHAT THE FUCK! It works on the computer so who knows what is going on. I think he’s clearly blocked me, that I considering sending him a text… But do you know what, what’s the point, he’s made it crystal clear what I mean to him…
It kills me & makes me want to cry – makes me want to howl actually but tears won’t come, that I finally take off the bracelet, the bracelet that means so much to me, so fucking much to me & put it neatly in the box. The skin on my wrist, burns where the bracelet imprinted on me, for so many months, it feels naked & exposed. I put the bracelet box in a box in the spare room with all my journals from when I was younger in it. I walk out of the room & turn off the light, shutting the door as a metaphor for our relationship… This is so sad. This is the saddest non-break-up I’ve ever had, considering we haven’t actually broken up. I no longer & haven’t for a while thought of him as my boyfriend & he clearly doesn’t even think of me as more than anything but a hole he sticks his dick in… This is sadder than affair one & two ending put together. I am so devastated, but tears won’t flow… The things we said in affair one & two were real, I am not disputing that, but both times we were holding back & all of affair three was just fuck buddy territory. This portion of affair three, that I call v2.0, Phoenix opened the flood gates by telling me how much he missed me, how much he didn’t realise he took me for granted, that he wanted to do special things for me that I meant so much to him, he dragged me in like a moth to a flame, I flew, but this time I was flying with him, blindly, freely, & the best part was that he was flying too. We were on the same page… Until he decided for whatever reason – I’m sure I’ll find out in a few months, that he couldn’t fly with me & why he let me continue to fly, without him, that I flew into the flame & I got burnt. This time I got burnt really bad. This is beyond cruel what he has done to me over the last eight years – what I have allowed him to do. He had no reason to make this more than what it was, buying flowers, jewellery, taking me on dates, messaging me all day & night to dwindling off at nights, to pulling back on the effort for dates, to pulling back in the morning chats, to no longer even seeing me for sex, to barely chatting at all, until he has backed off to not message me at all. I stop looking at his stupid FB page because then I’d know he’s up but not messaging me, I just can’t keep doing that shit to myself. I already know it, I don’t need to confirm it every fucking day.
I was in this.
All in this.
He has told me before that when he is criticised, which he thinks is what I am doing by getting upset when he’s pulling away from me, that he will pull away more, but all I am trying to do is understand why, have some open dialogue about it, show him some emotion that I care, that he matters to me – too much to lose, that I am upset. It’s clear that I cannot show him any feelings. I cannot be myself, he only likes the version of me that he has in his head – a porn star. Or the chick who gave him every fantasy he wanted, expect for one – one that she didn’t know was his fantasy…
The funny thing about what he thinks it criticism, is what his wife does to him long before he was married, always putting him down or making fun of his interests. I have literally been his number one supporter since I met him, telling him to go for everything he wants, when he was made redundant, when he talks about his Facebook page, because I know he can do it, she has put down his hobbies, probably other things too that I can’t think of, but he listens to her when she pumps him up. Does he listen to me? Nope, never…
He says he’s so busy now right, well firstly his wife had just started Wegovy back when he started chatting to me & said now, she’s lost 10kgs or more probably she’s not a ‘fat fuck’ as he called her to me so she’s more energetic – aka fucking him more. He’s not busier than he was, he’s just got her back involved in his life & he used me to fill the lonely void, to feel loved & wanted, stupidly I fell for it a third fucking time. Why wasn’t I stronger? Why didn’t I say no, why didn’t I say to him over & over ‘don’t get close to me!!’
Later that morning, Dad & I are going out, Dad is driving & I see her car up ahead, well a car like hers. I look at the number plate & I am pretty sure it’s her car. Yep, we drive right by each other! Phoenix is driving, she’s a passenger, I don’t see either of the kids well, but he has a light smile on his face & I start shaking, feeling so hurt that he’s not come online & living his life like I don’t exist. How the fuck does that shit happen? I send a message, not even sure if it’ll send or not, “Did you think about me as you just drove past my old work? Even with your family in the car??” We drive past each other right outside the shopping centre that I used to work next too, that we met for so many lunch dates – where he fingered me in the broad daylight in the carpark, because my snapchat is being weird, I have no clue if it sent or if he got it or if he’ll reply.
15 September 2025 – Over the weekend, as I mentioned earlier, something happened to my snapchat, not only did he not come online yesterday at all, but it then comes up with an error when I open our chat.
My drive into work today is full of thoughts of going to just rock up at his house after 12:00pm & just get my key, like I should have done almost two weeks about when I saw him last. I don’t know how many more times he can show me he doesn’t love me before I finally snap, right? You’re all thinking it. I feel like I keep putting in effort thinking that things will be better, & they are, until the weekend when he & his wife both have it off & I somehow have gone from being in his mind to not even on his radar to say hello to. If this is love, I don’t want it. I would rather just go back to how we were with him saying ‘don’t get close to me.’
He obviously didn’t like what he got when he started treating me like shit again, me standing up for myself, asking why & getting the busy response every day wears you down. But I ask myself this, if I am out of it, on the other side, why am I still ok to be his fuck buddy? Because that worked? Can you go back to being fuck buddies after what we’ve just been through?
I am so fucking terribly sad.
Falling Apart from Papa Roach is literally my anthem now, his love was a fire that I burned in, I was in the ashes, but now I fall apart so I can be set free….
However today my Snapchat isn’t working properly again & he asks if he can call, we end up talking for two & a half hours. We talk easily for most of our calls, it’s always at the end of our chat for the day or at the end of our phone calls that both of us are guilty of doing it, bringing up something before we have to go, that requires more in depth time.. We’ve obviously done that today because when we get off the phone I say, “Anyway, it’s really hard to chat on the web app on my phone. So I’ll chat when my snap fixes for you. Enjoy your day, sorry for taking up so much of your precious time. I’ll be aware of that in the future.Good night.” & he says, “Omg stop being a twat.” But I just can’t help myself. “I’m not. You’re busy. I genuinely didn’t realise i was taking up time you should have been adulting.” His reply just piss me off, “Well I do need adult .. Sometimes.”
10 September 2025 – Our calls, when they happen, are shorter now; he doesn’t call for his whole break anymore, he makes his food, goes out to his car then calls & has to cut it short to go back into work. So much for it being the highlight of his day… The calls mainly consist of us fighting over giving each other enough time. He refuses to come to my work because it’s too far, even coming to my city office where his dentist is… He’s said once that I never ask him to see me but when I do, he refuses & says it’s too far & he’d have to pay for parking… I mean fuck mate, you wonder why I get so upset!
We chat briefly about the fact they have a camera in their lounge room, as a nanny cam for the kids when they are both at work. I am worried that she will find a notification on his phone or something but he says that it doesn’t record anyway. I send him a meme which is todays heart, to just give him a sense of how he makes me feel when he does put in some effort.
The crux of our problem – these are not his words but my interpretation, that he basically has said if I show my feelings of being disrespected to him, it’ll make him back away. So I have to not be myself around him for him to want me? That my reaction to his actions is the problem, but he doesn’t think his action’s are a problem. I also have to have no expectations that he will message me or not every day & not overthink or castrostrophise he when doesn’t message. I also have to forget that he wanted to see me, make an effort to restore our friendship & now he doesn’t. Ok sure.
My lash client Misty said to me the other night when I was saying that he’s telling me all the time how busy he is, she said ‘you are the busiest person I know’ & she’s right on a way – I don’t like to compare my busy cos it’s all relative, I now commute an hour each way to work, work a 38+ hours week, I come home to do all the cleaning (actual cleaning!) & limited cooking (actually all for his lunches!) plus I then do at least one lash client a night or a couple on the weekend. I also see my family once a week for dinner at my house, I mow the lawns, have two dogs to look after feed & pick up their shit. Not to mention I have an investment property which I manage myself now after being fucked over by my property agent. Plus I have just started a Diploma. So after seeing his house & how messy it is, he is not busy at all. Yes, he’s painting around all the crap at their house, but he’s certainly not cleaning! So essentially, at the end of today, I have to be happy with what Phoenix is giving me, sporadic messages & barely seeing me barely calling me, just like it was six months ago as essentially that’s all he’s got to offer & he’s not changing back. OK got it.
I never asked for things to change. I never asked for him to be better to me. I was ok with how it was. Why did he even bother rekindling this if he was just planning on treating me the same fucking way he did twice before? Not even kidding, he pulled away when his daughter was born in affair one. He pulled away in affair two when he realised it was getting close to his wedding. We never got close again in affair three because we were smart & had our walls up, until he started 2.0, not because I asked him, not because I gave an ultimatum, not because I begged, not because I wanted it to change. He found my blog & decided he was cunt to me for years & wanted to make things better between us. He offered up sexless dates – dates! FFS! He offered to come to me, so I started offering to go to him, then he pulled back on coming to me citing that he is too busy, he’s working more (less than a 38 hour week with a five minute commute) & he’s so fucking tired every night & now all of a sudden, even though he gets up hours before work, he’s now a zombie in the mornings & can’t send a message, because he’s watching YouTube videos on boredom… Busy huh? & yet for some reason, today I pay $1.99 again to restore our snap streak, reallly holding onto that rose petal precariously dangling from the stem…
11 September 2025 – In my effort to keep the conversation going, to keep the conversation light, to keep the conversation away from how I am feeling – because apparently, I can’t show emotion – even though he’s told me before that he wishes I told him some things back in affair one but when I do now in A3v2.0, he doesn’t like it… So this is how the relationship is going to be from now on, I have to be a fake version of myself, I wonder how long I can keep this up. I was fake in the first affair, being confident when I wasn’t, holding back my feelings for fear of the rejection that came regardless & it was shoved in my face… Just like the one who, for the last five years, hell even the last eight years, who accepted what scrap of attention he would give me, that I cannot be the real me. I never could. If I want to be with him in any way, he will only accept the version he has in his head of me. That unfortunately, is not the version he’s asked me repeatedly to be, to be honest & tell him when things annoy me. No, I can’t do that because then I am criticising him…
So this day, we are talking on the phone while I go on my lunch walk & I ask who would play him in the #IBD4U movie as I am starting to see how it ends, I’m ready to write the screenplay. I can’t remember who we originally suggested but we land on David Boreanaz & I get told I look like Reece Witherspoon (I fucking wish!) so I pick her. It’s a light conversation, devoid of any feeling, depth & value. The things I usually cherish with him. This is what is has to be if I want him in my life. I am not ready to let him go, I have a bad habit of thinking that he will be my happy middle & happy ending…
Later than night when he is offline, after saying he should go offline but he does say that he’s working tomorrow so will be on again & says goodbye with a simple “Chat later” with no kiss, no hug, no ounce of feeling, I am thinking about him, we’ve texted a little more than recently today about chat GPT & how it is writing all his Facebook posts for him. So I am thinking about the #IBD4U movie, I put our photos into chat GPT to tell me who would play us, it says ‘For him Someone with a rugged, warm, approachable energy. Celebrities who could fit that vibe: Oscar Isaac, Jason Sudeikis, or Ben Affleck in his more casual roles. For her Someone with a bright, friendly, outdoorsy charm. Celebrities who could fit that vibe: Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, or Reese Witherspoon.’ So I ask it to make a #IBD4U movie poster! It’s kind of a boring movie poster, but hilarious that it made the caption ‘Love is going to surprise you.’
Here is the poster, even though you don’t know what either of us look like, it’s pretty funny that this is what chat GPT came up with!
09 September 2025 – The next morning, I decide to send a message first, I am going to put in effort, really make a difference to make this better, I didn’t take my key, so I need to make this work, even if I did leave pissed off… I say good morning, ask what he had for breakfast, what is he up to today, did he exercise, just a bunch of questions to lighten the mood, just being a dick. He writes back not too long after I send it “Good morning.” Honestly, get fucked. This guys clearly is over this & just too gutless to tell me.
I read it & don’t reply, I go to a meeting & he then writes a bunch of messages. He sends me a YouTube video to watch that he says, “that kinda explains my behaviour and the what I do” I am at work, but I listen to it like a podcast, I’ll let you watch it before I go on, for those who don’t like watching, I have spent ages bloody getting the transcript – mainly for me to read, but I’ll post both options like I do with songs!…
In today’s video, I’m going to show you a practical method to never get upset or hurt by anyone, no matter who it is or what happens. Imagine this. You pull into a parking lot, spot an open space, turn on your blinker, and just as you’re about to park, some genius swoops in and steals it right in front of you. How would you react? Someone cuts you off in traffic, someone mispronounces your name, and suddenly you’re auditioning for a role in Fast and Furious: Emotional Damage. And here’s the tragic part. People think that’s normal, as if being controlled by every tiny annoyance is some kind of badge of honor. It’s not strength. It’s emotional kindergarten.
Anger is like junk food for the brain. It tastes amazing in the moment, makes you feel powerful, and 5 minutes later, it leaves you bloated with regret. And the worst part, most people think their anger is someone else’s fault. He made me mad. She ruined my day. Please. Nobody has that kind of power over you unless you hand them the keys. The truth is anger is self-inflicted. And once you understand that, you can stop treating it like a disease you catch from other people and start treating it for what it really is, your own mental fast food addiction.
Here’s the deal. Today, I’ll break down the psychological method that lets you escape this trap completely. Not take a deep breath and count to 10. That’s for toddlers. I’m talking about strategies rooted in neuroscience, cognitive psychology, and just enough sarcasm to make them unforgettable. If you can train yourself to see what actually triggers anger, and why it’s always about you, not them, you’ll never again feel hijacked by someone else’s bad behavior.
Let’s rip the band-aid off right now. Nobody has ever made you angry. That phrase is pure comedy. People love to imagine they’re powerless little puppets yanked around by the strings of other people’s nonsense. But anger doesn’t start with them. It starts with you, with your thoughts, your interpretation, your judgment. The trigger is always internal. The world doesn’t control you. You control you. Unless, of course, you’ve outsourced your brain to the nearest idiot who cuts you off in traffic. Here’s the brutal truth. Your emotions are your responsibility, not your bosses, not your partners, not your neighbor who insists on mowing the lawn at 6:00 a.m. Your feelings are the result of your interpretations, not their actions. They don’t inject anger into your veins. You do it. You flip the switch. You choose to let your ego run wild. And the second you accept this, you regain control. Without this truth, you’re just a puppet dancing to someone else’s off-key music.
Think of it this way. When you get angry, you’re handing over the remote control of your mood. Here you go, stranger. Enjoy flipping through my emotional channels. They push one button, you rage. They push another, you sulk. Congratulations. You’ve turned yourself into free entertainment. Do you really want random people operating your system like that? The key word here is choice. You always have one. Trigger doesn’t equal reaction. Between the spark and the explosion, there’s a space, a gap. And inside that gap lives your power. But most people, they blow right through it. Zero pause, zero awareness, just instant combustion. That’s why they stay trapped in the cycle of anger, regret, apology, repeat.
Here’s where psychology loves to ruin your excuses. Cognitive behavioral therapy, yes, that boring scientific thing, shows us that thoughts create feelings, not events. Read that again. Thoughts create feelings, not events. You don’t feel angry because someone stole your parking spot. You feel angry because your brain screamed, “How dare they disrespect me?” Same event, different thought, different reaction. Your thinking is the factory. Change the input. Change the product. Let me play devil’s advocate for a second. What if someone actually is rude? What if they insult you, cheat you, humiliate you? Guess what? The rule still applies. They can throw words. They can throw actions, but only you decide whether to swallow that poison or spit it back out. Anger is optional. Always optional. The trigger is never them. Always you.
Now, here’s where sarcasm meets reality. If you keep insisting, “They made me angry,” then you’re basically admitting strangers own you. That’s right. Every random driver, every snarky co-worker, every family member with bad manners, they all rent space in your brain for free. Worse, they run the place like a circus. If that doesn’t bother you, maybe it should. Taking responsibility sounds heavy, but it’s the opposite. It’s freedom. The moment you say, “My emotions are mine,” you stop being a victim. You stop letting the world dictate your state of mind. You become untouchable. Imagine the power of walking into chaos and staying calm. Not because the world is peaceful, but because you are. That’s real strength.
So, let’s nail this into your memory. control, choice, trigger, power, reaction, freedom, responsibility. These are not just buzzwords. They are the psychological building blocks of emotional mastery. You either practice them or you keep living as a puppet. And let’s be honest, puppets are only entertaining when they’re on strings. Humans, not so much. The bottom line, stop blaming, start owning, stop reacting, start choosing. If you want to never get upset at anyone again, the very first step is brutal honesty. Anger doesn’t come from them. It comes from you. And once you own that truth, you hold the keys to your emotional freedom.
Here’s the part nobody wants to hear. You don’t control people. Not their words, not their tone, not their attitude. Shocking, I know. And yet, most humans behave like unpaid directors of a terrible movie. Screaming at every actor who doesn’t follow the script in their head. Say this, do that. treat me this way. News flash, they won’t. They never will. And your constant rage is the proof that your imaginary control is nothing more than an illusion. Control is seductive. It whispers, “If I plan enough, demand enough, manipulate enough, everyone will act the way I want.” And then life laughs in your face. Why? Because people are chaos with shoes. You can’t dictate their mood, their behavior, or their respect. You can only control one thing, your response. Everything else is wasted energy. Every ounce of frustration you pour into trying to rewrite someone else’s lines is energy stolen from your own peace. Think of it like this. Every time you lose your temper, you’re basically auditioning for the role of angry security guard in your own life. Guarding what? Guarding illusions. Guarding the belief that if you scream louder, slam harder, sulk longer, maybe, just maybe, reality will bend to your will. Spoiler, it won’t.
Now, let’s apply some psychology. Stoic philosophy, long before therapists started charging $200 an hour, nailed this truth. The boundary of control is razor thin. You own your choices, your perspective, your reactions. Everything else out of your hands. Epictitus put it bluntly. It’s not what happens to you, but how you react that matters. Translation: Stop micromanaging the universe and start managing yourself. The irony is once you accept this, you gain actual power, not fake, loud, insecure power. Real power. The power of being unshakable. Imagine someone insults you. Before you’d explode like a faulty firecracker. Now you shrug. Why? Because you know the insult is their noise, not your truth. They’re performing. You’re not buying tickets. That’s discipline. That’s strength. Discipline doesn’t sound sexy. People want shortcuts. But emotional freedom is built like muscle through repetition, through limits, through training. Every time you resist the urge to control others, you strengthen control over yourself. Every skipped explosion is a rep at the gym of calm. You either practice or you stay weak. No hack, no cheat code, just discipline.
Here’s where sarcasm comes in. If you’re still insisting that you can change people by yelling, sulking, or posting passive aggressive quotes on Instagram, congratulations. You’re practicing witchcraft with a 0% success rate. People don’t change because you explode. They change sometimes because they choose to. Your tantrum just makes the show louder, not better. So, what’s the actual strategy? Set the boundary. This is mine. That is theirs. Their disrespect, their bad day, their nonsense, that’s theirs. Your calm, your clarity, your choice, that’s yours. The moment you cross that invisible line and try to own what’s not yours, you bleed power. The moment you stay inside your boundary, you gain freedom. Repeat these words until they sound like gospel. Control, limits, illusion, power, boundary, choice, strength, discipline, freedom, calm. This is the language of someone who refuses to be emotionally hijacked. This is the rhythm of a person who knows where their true power begins and ends. And let’s end this chapter with the punchline. If you want to never get upset at anyone again, stop pretending you’re the CEO of other people’s behavior. You’re not. You’re the CEO of yourself. And the sooner you fire yourself from trying to manage the universe, the sooner you’ll finally feel calm.
Let’s talk science because nothing kills excuses faster than hard data. Neuroscience tells us that when a strong emotion hits—anger, fear, rage, whatever—your brain floods your body with a chemical cocktail, that surge feels overwhelming, unstoppable, like you’re possessed by a demon named Impulse. But here’s the plot twist. The entire chemical storm lasts only about 90 seconds. 90. After that, it’s not biology keeping you angry. It’s you. That means every screaming match, every slammed door, every dramatic meltdown could have been avoided with a simple pause. 90 seconds of not reacting. 90 seconds of not feeding the beast. But most people don’t pause. They sprint straight into chaos. They confuse a temporary brain surge with permanent truth. It’s like mistaking a sparkler for a nuclear bomb. The spark burns fast. The question is, do you let it burn your house down?
Picture this. Someone insults you. The chemical surge ignites. Your face heats up. Your chest tightens. Your brain screams. React now. That’s the trap. The first 90 seconds are the battlefield. You either grab control or surrender it. You either breathe, pause, and reset, or you let impulse drive your car straight off the cliff.
Here’s where sarcasm becomes medicine. People love to say, “I just couldn’t help it.” Really? You couldn’t survive 90 seconds without opening your mouth? You can hold your bladder longer than that. You can wait 3 minutes for microwave popcorn, but 90 seconds of silence? Oh, no. That’s impossible. Please. The truth is, you can help it. You just don’t.
So, let’s practice. Next time the spark hits, do nothing. Not forever. Just 90 seconds. Breathe. Walk. Count bricks on the wall. Chew gum aggressively. I don’t care. Do anything except explode. Give your brain time to reset because once the chemical wave passes, clarity shows up and clarity is lethal to anger. Think of it as emotional CPR. Step one, don’t die in the first 90 seconds. Step two, let your brain reboot. Step three, respond with choice instead of reaction. That’s not weakness, that’s power. The loudest person in the room is rarely the strongest. The calm one, the one who waited, that’s the actual heavyweight.
And here’s the kicker. The pause doesn’t just save you from embarrassment, it rewires your brain. Each time you pause instead of explode, you’re training neural pathways. You’re literally teaching your brain a new default. Calm over chaos. It’s psychological weightlifting. Repetition builds strength. Every 90-second victory makes the next one easier.
Of course, you’ll mess up sometimes. You’ll snap before the timer runs out. Congratulations, you’re human. But don’t use failure as an excuse to quit. Use it as proof that the method works when you actually use it. The science doesn’t lie. Chemistry fades fast. Ego lingers longer. The pause cuts the cord.
So burn these words into your skull: Impulse, pause, brain, chemical, reaction, control, reset, clarity, calm, power. This is the language of mastery. This is the rhythm of someone who doesn’t get dragged around by biology. Bottom line, if you want to never get upset again, stop worshiping your impulses like they’re gods. They’re not. They’re cheap fireworks. And if you can survive 90 seconds of silence, you prove something life-changing. You run your brain. Your brain doesn’t run you.
Here’s the ugly secret about anger. Most of it is ego in a cheap Halloween costume. You don’t rage because someone did something. You rage because you gave their behavior a meaning that stabbed your pride. You disrespected me. She embarrassed me. They made me look weak. Notice the pattern. It’s always about you. Which means if you change the story you tell yourself, you change the feeling.
That’s where curiosity becomes your secret weapon. Curiosity is underrated. We glorify anger as passion or strength, but curiosity is the real power move. Instead of asking “how dare they,” ask “why would they do that?” Instead of screaming “that’s unfair,” ask “what pain, fear, or ignorance is driving this?” Curiosity doesn’t excuse behavior. It explains it. And explanation shrinks anger down to size. You stop seeing a monster and start seeing a confused, flawed human being, which by the way is what we all are.
Imagine this. Someone snaps at you in a meeting. Your old brain screams, “Attack back.” But your curious brain whispers, “What’s their story?” Maybe they’re drowning in stress. Maybe they’re terrified of failure. Maybe they’re just hungry. Doesn’t matter. Once you frame it as a question, you’ve stolen anger’s oxygen. Questions expand perspective. Rage narrows it.
Psychology calls this cognitive reframing. It’s the art of shifting meaning, and meaning is everything. Events don’t upset us. Interpretations do. Curiosity is a scalpel that cuts through your knee-jerk judgments and exposes the messy truth underneath. You see motives, fears, blind spots. Suddenly, it’s not personal anymore. It’s just human.
Let’s add some sarcasm because truth without sarcasm is boring. If you still prefer anger over curiosity, congrats. You’re basically choosing to be the emotional equivalent of dial-up internet. Slow, loud, outdated. Curiosity, on the other hand, is high-speed fiber for your brain. Faster, smarter, cleaner, and yes, it makes your emotional life binge-watchable instead of a buffering nightmare.
Here’s a quick tool. Replace every angry thought with a curious one. “They disrespected me” becomes, “What’s happening in their head right now?” “They ruined my day” becomes, “What kind of pressure makes someone act like that?” Every time you flip the script, you take back power. Because the truth is, angry people look predictable. Curious people look unshakable.
Empathy sneaks in through this door, too. When you practice curiosity, you accidentally become empathetic. And empathy is lethal to anger. You can’t rage at someone when you actually see their pain. You might still disagree. You might still set boundaries, but you won’t explode because empathy dilutes the poison. This doesn’t mean you turn into a saint who excuses everything. Sarcasm warning. Don’t confuse curiosity with being a doormat. You’re not saying, “Oh, please insult me again. I find it fascinating.” No, you’re saying, “I’ll understand where you’re coming from, but I’ll choose my response instead of reacting like a robot.” That’s maturity. That’s growth.
So, engrave these words into your mind: Curiosity, empathy, question, perspective, meaning, ego, story, choice, growth, freedom. This is the rhythm of a mind that refuses to be hijacked by nonsense. This is the language of someone who replaces fire with focus. The punchline: Anger screams, ‘I know everything.’ Curiosity whispers, ‘Maybe there’s more.’ One locks you in. The other sets you free. And if your goal is to never get upset again, curiosity isn’t just an option. It’s the upgrade your ego has been avoiding.
Here’s a harsh truth. Identity is tested in chaos. The more others try to manipulate your emotions, the more opportunity you have to define yourself. Every insult is a chance to practice control. Every provocation is a chance to reinforce who you are. And every time you respond with calm, you cement the foundation of an unshakable self. Boundaries are your friends. They are not punishment for others. They are statements of self-respect. This behavior is theirs. This response is mine. Say it silently. Say it loudly. Burn it into your mind. Boundaries create identity. They remind you. The world can scream, rage, complain, and attack, but it does not own your mind. Values are your compass. Before reacting, ask, “Does this align with who I want to be?” If the answer is no, don’t act. Simple. Ego wants you to fight. Retaliate, prove something. Identity says, “I already know who I am. No reaction necessary.” This is the mental muscle that turns moments of chaos into quiet victories. Resilience is cultivated, not inherited. Each time you pause, each time you choose calm, each time you respond with control instead of anger, you strengthen the invisible fibers of yourself. You’re building immunity to manipulation. You’re building a fortress of mental independence. And the world. It will test you endlessly. That’s fine. You’re ready. The power of choice is your greatest weapon. Remember, you decide your reactions. You choose your perspective. You enforce your boundaries. Nobody else holds these keys. Not the co-worker, not the stranger, not the driver who stole your parking space. You own yourself. That’s true strength. Calm isn’t passive. Calm is strategic. Calm is aggressive in its own quiet way. It’s a statement. I am not controlled. I am not manipulated. I am unshakable. And anyone who attempts to push your buttons discovers quickly that there’s nothing to push. Your identity is a locked vault and you hold the combination.
So repeat this like a mantra. Identity, choice, strength, resilience, calm, power, boundaries, values, freedom, control. These aren’t just words. They are the blueprint for never being upset or manipulated again. Live them, breathe them, and watch your life transform. The bottom line, if you can build an unshakable identity, all the anger, frustration, and petty provocations in the world become irrelevant. The world may rage, the idiots may perform, the chaos may swirl, but you remain untouched. You are the calm eye in the storm. You are the final authority on your emotions. And once you master that, nothing, and I mean nothing, can steal your peace. Let’s be brutally honest. Life will never stop testing you. People will cut you off, insult you, ignore you, and push every button they can find. That’s not new. What is new is you. You now have the tools, the mindset, and the secret psychological weapon to stay calm, collected, and in control. The world may scream, but you won’t answer with rage. You’ll answer with choice. You’ll answer with control. And trust me, that’s more powerful than yelling ever was. Here’s the kicker. No one is going to give you peace of mind. Nobody will hand it over on a silver platter. You have to take it. You take it by owning your reactions, by pausing before the chemical storm takes over, by asking questions instead of fueling anger, and by building an identity so solid that insults and chaos bounce off you like rubber bullets. This isn’t philosophy fluff. It’s applied, hardwired, practical psychology with a side of sarcasm because life is too short to be boring about it. So start today. Practice the 90-second pause. Replace rage with curiosity. Enforce your boundaries. Strengthen your identity. Control your choices. Watch your calm grow, your freedom expand, and your life transform. And when you feel the urge to explode, smile, breathe, and remember, the world doesn’t own you. You do. And that, my friend, changes everything.
If you’re still with me, I’ll go on!
After I watch it & also read the transcript cos I think that might help me understand it better because it was so metaphor heavy, I didn’t even pay attention at some points. I think it’s very interesting that he thinks it explains his behaviour & what he does… He says to me, “I don’t get upset or angry or let others getting upset or angry affect me 🤷♂️” Is he being serious?! The whole reason we’re in this mess because he gets angry at me & lets me affect him! Personally, I think he sent this to me to watch to take some of these suggestions, but I don’t scream & make a scene, but he wants me to take some of this on, though after listening again, I think it’s just a fucking very bad AI written speech with one to many terrible metaphors (which I actually had AI highlight all the metaphors for me, if you’re wondering what the bold is just to show how many are in one video) & this, in his mind just gives Phoenix a reason in his mind to back off, he just doesn’t realise he’s doing it because he upset & angry with me!
I also highlighted in blue something he fucking NEVER does! He literally does not have the skill to reflect on his or my behaviour to analyse or reflect on why either of us did what we did… I do all the time & as I’ve gotten older, I have become more reflective & often ask people to tell me if I am overreacting or if I have gotten it wrong. I was 100% never like this in the past, I would have always fought to the death that I was right & justified. I know many friends I’ve had for years would agree, however in the last few years, I do reflect on my behaviour before I react. I am not perfect with this, of course & definitely not always great with this with Phoenix, but I am much better at it. This would have been over a long time ago if I wasn’t, so not sure if it’s a good thing or not. Especially as I write in more real time about the arguments, disagreements or whatever these things are, that’s why I do like I did this morning, putting in effort to message first etc because I always wait for him to be first – as a simple example.
I also have to say, is this seriously the shit he’s watching on YouTube when he is a ‘zombie’ in the mornings, that can no longer message me!? I mean the other morning he watched a YouTube video on boredom. Like really?! I’m not saying he has to spend every single second of his spare time chatting to me, but remember, we get a very limited window to get in significant chat that reminds me we have a connection & I am valued. Why is it always at my expense, the time we have to chat gets shorter & shorter because he chooses to not talk to me, choosing to do things he could do around his family instead. It’s not like they sit at the dining room table & eat dinner together or sit as a family watching a tv show like we did in the 80’s & 90’s. He is 100% as his desk playing a game or getting AI to write a post that he could be listening to this shit, not using our very limited time. Obviously for him, this is a very irrational thing for me to think, let alone say out loud. Maybe it is. He can’t give me all his time & I understand that. But even though we had recently been seeing each other 2-3 times a week & daily phone calls, our relationship is mainly online. So when there is a slither of time to connect with each other, now that we don’t call every day & are barely seeing each other once a week, having sex once a fortnight & he doesn’t take it, what’s worse, is it’s like he doesn’t want too either, it just says to me that I don’t matter & I am not valued.
06 September 2025 – In the morning, he writes back “I see . Good morning buddy” when I know he’s been at work for at least an hour or two, but I try not to dwell… I respond, “It’s what you want, I just go along with what you make it, as always…” He reads it & he never replies. At all. He doesn’t call for his break – the ‘highlight of his day.’ He looks at my story around 4:15pm or something, so I know he’s been online, he just chooses not to reassure me that I am just being stupid, that he still considers me his girlfriend, that he still cares about me. Nope, not Phoenix, who started this v2.0 by saying he wanted to make things better between us, not me. I never asked for this. So why is he the one pulling away when I never pushed this?
Seven hours later I have been alone all day, I tried to cry but couldn’t, I think maybe that will make me feel better, I decide to message him & ask if he’s working on Monday. This boyfriend/girlfriend thing is over & I need my key back. I am working from home because I am dog sitting, so when I drop my sisters dogs home, I will go to his work & get my keys back, drop off his jumper & then if this doesn’t go on from there, at least I can stop hearing noises & wishing it was him using my keys. We can just be fuck buddies. I keep thinking he is going to come surprise me, I hear a noise that sounds like he’s coming in the door, using the key I really wanted him to have (wishful thinking) & think it’s him it never is. It’s torture, he doesn’t give a fuck or have any ability to show me how he feels or that I am special to him. He did for a period of time that suited him, he sucked me in again – he could have left it as it fucking was, if he is so incapable of giving more, he didn’t need to tell me anything, he literally could have come back online a little more & kept the distance but closed the gap between his monthly catch ups.
He cannot reflect on his part in this. Yes I have gotten angry & pissed, acted a little needy – I can see the part I have played in this, but him pulling away & getting more shitty is not the way to fix it & he clearly doesn’t want too. I have tried, I feel like I have tried too hard (What for?! I don’t know – I don’t have anything with this guy, I could just walk away) but I don’t know his schedule anymore so I can’t call him – he doesn’t call me or ask to call me (I don’t ask to call him either, but again, I don’t know what cords he’s sorting or boredom docos, mine is pretty consistent.) I can’t ever go see him without knowing what he is doing but he hasn’t told me. So, it is what it is. This V2.0 is over. We are just fuck buddies. His effort level is at best a two, while I feel like I am putting in so much effort, at least an eight, I’m not putting in 100%, I am not going to when I am barely getting 10% of what he was giving me at the start of this version… His effort, as he said, was him restoring our snap streak twice… One of the ways he tried hard with me, I’d like to know what he thinks his other ways were because all I see is him putting up walls & not trying to reassure me at all. I don’t even need his time at this point, I need his reassurance.
When he says that he is not working on Monday, I say, “That’s ok, when I drop the dogs back to my sisters, I’ll come grab my soare key & drop your jumper back. Assuming after 12 suits you?” He doesn’t know what jumper I have, then he says, “I want us to be friends just don’t want shit always complicated and you cranky at me all the time. Yeah after 12.” I start deleting all our saved chats & change our chat to delete after 24 hours instead of seven days, he doesn’t even notice, “We are fuck buddies, just as you wanted… I’m not cranky. It’s all good. Just want my key back. 😊” I add the smily face because I am relieved… I will get my key back & I can relax, all he says is, ”If you want it back then …” Well he doesn’t seem to care if he has it or not, so yeah I do & I don’t see us being friends after that comment, but I say, “Don’t like hearing noises thinking it’s you rocking up to actually surprise me to make me feel more than a fuck buddy.” He says, “I like surprising you I wish I could more…” I mean I wish he could do it more too, I get that he can’t, that’s not even an issue. I’m not pissed off about him not being able to surprise me, I just hate thinking up scenarios that he sees my location & just comes over when I am working from home or in the mornings… But he’s too busy to even mesaage me, so he’s never going to come over randomly again… It’ll just be better for my mental health to have it back since he isn’t my boyfriend anymore. “You don’t even write back to me when I say you think we’re just fuck buddies so as if you’re going to just surprise me?? I’d rather not have the hope that I was actually your girlfriend & just go back to what you want…” But he says something that destroys any hope I had of us remaining civil once I have my key back, “I dont know what I want …” FUCK that hurts like no body’s business! There is no need to think about what he wants, it’s not his decision anymore, it’s done. “Well simple, I’m just your fuck buddy. You’ve made it perfectly clear – for months. It’s all good. I didn’t force you to be my boyfriend.” & with that he says, “Ill chat to you ommorow about it, talk later x.” I stupidly notice that our snapstreak is at 149, if I send a snap today – even though he’s gone it’ll be 150 & then we can just end it at a nice number… So I send a snap of the meal I saved for his break today that he didn’t even call me for, then I send a bunch of messages “Don’t stress… See you Monday. Eating the serve I saved for you…” Then I realise the stupid hour glass didn’t go & our steak tally didn’t go up… “Sent cos I assumed the snap hourglass would go & get us to a final tally of 150. But alas, it’s your turn… 🤷🏼♀️ So now I just look like a dick. Again.” What a fucking wanker I am, watching another petal fluttering towards the growing pile of pot pourri!
07 September 2025 – He’s not working today so I expect that he won’t come online today & even though I don’t have my key back, I won’t be thinking the noises are him because they are both off & she works late on Mondays, so he won’t be able to use them anyway. & I won’t hear from him, I won’t message either, he’ll just expect me to be at his house at 12:00pm on Monday.
Our 149 day snapstreak expires again, I don’t even know if there is any point worrying about it now… I’ve never had more than two day snapstreaks, as you know Phoenix has said he’s had a seven day one with some random he was messaging when he was pretending to not be online, so it’s meaningless anyway, it always was to him, I’ve never had anything special with him…
Today is fathers day, so when he comes online, she must be at work as he says he went out with the kids for sushi, saw his parents & went to the pharmacy… For some reason am in excruciating pain, I have had more pain relief tablets than I had after my gum surgery… He asks what the pain is from, I think my ovary, I called the nurse hotline & they told me to go to emergency immediately as it could be appendicitis, but I decide not to go & just pop some more pills. He tells me to go see a dr & take care of myself & then he’s gone… Um so when is he going to talk about us being fuck buddies & what he wants?! Apparently never as he has to go. I say, “Thx. I’ll be ok. See you at 12 tomorrow.” Which he doesn’t read….
08 September 2025 – So Monday comes, he hasn’t looked at his snapchat this morning obviously because she is home with him – & he can’t possibly open snapchat, only when in bed with her or when it suits him, of course! But I am already in the car taking the dogs back to my sister when he messages to ask if I want him to come to me around 11:00am. I do the half swipe thing to read it but I don’t click on it. He is not getting a read receipt from me on this one. I am just going to rock up at his house, at 12:00pm without a message, as he’s done to me so many times when we’ve pre planned a catch up. I am going to be in charge of today, not him coming to my house for 20 mins then saying he has to go. I drop the dogs off at my sisters & I drive to his house, not caring about if he messages me to say she’s home or not. I pull up down the street – why I hide my car I don’t know, I have taken some anti-anxiety meds, I am shaking like a leaf, taking a few deep breaths before making the move to get out of my car.
Phoenix is in the front yard right down the back picking up cans & bottles or something when I walk down the driveway, I don’t say anything & it makes him jump like a maniac when he sees me, it makes me laugh. Fuck it feels good to laugh with him. One thing I didn’t think till I was reviewing this to post, is that he always said his driveway is so loud, that I wasn’t allowed to drive down it ever, remember. Yet here I am, basically standing next to him before he noticed I was there, I wasn’t exactly quiet.
He comes right up to me, as if he’s going to kiss me but then hesitates, not sure if he should kiss me or not, I give him his jumper & he puts it down on the stairs before hugging me & I lean up to kiss him. We kiss & he asks if I really want my key back & I say ‘no, not really’ which is true, I don’t want it back, but I want him to treat me better. I get the excuse vomit that he’s so busy & he’s working a lot more than he was & he can’t give me what he was before. I don’t shout but my voice gets a little louder & sterner that he says ‘can we keep it down?’, he doesn’t want to go inside with me, because his house is probably a mess – not like he didn’t know since Saturday that I was coming over, so whatever. I don’t care how loud I am. I push him away to be at arms length & say ‘you started this, not me, I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t push to be better friends.’ He just keeps up with his usual line about being so busy.
I read a quote the other day that I make today’s heart & it makes so much sense. He admits freely that he is not a good person, that he has no empathy & that he does care but won’t show it – all bullshit, because he was the one that spouted all the shit to start v2.0 to get us where we are today… He is a true narcissist. We talk but we’re never going to resolve this. This cycle is going to always be here. I need to either just be ok with what he offers, or I have to move on. I just fucking can’t do it, why can’t I walk away? It kills me to be this pathetic with him, to someone who doesn’t care about me, to someone that doesn’t love me, that doesn’t know what he wants.
He reluctantly tells me come inside – I think mainly because he says I am being too loud, not because he wants me in there. His house is its usual disaster, I shouldn’t say usual because I actually haven’t been here since December 2024. Um – ok I grew up in a house exactly like this, small, messy, cluttered, over furnished & too many people living in it with all their own crap, so it doesn’t bother me, what bothers me, is how he says he’s so busy doing all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the gardening… Um, what cleaning?! What gardening? That giant pile of bark was there when I was here last time in 2024! So when I walk inside I know he’s embarrassed about the state of his house & I guess it’s tough when you get no help from our partner or kids. There is just stuff on every surface, there are cupboards against every wall, overflowing with stuff, their couch is in the middle of the room because they’re also painting, or apparently, he is painting – yet he told me once that she does all that stuff because he’s not handy. The armchairs next to the couch are full of washing, so he’s obviously not busy putting the washing away. There is crap everywhere, on top of cupboards, in the kitchen they have a cupboard from like Ikea which have bottles & boxes & open packets of things on it. The mop thing he’s obsessed with is in the middle of the kitchen. There is just crap everywhere, so don’t fucking tell me you’re so busy cleaning! What a crock of shit! Painting, yes, as they are moving only the furniture they need to, about a foot away from the wall that they need to paint, then paint & put the furniture back – odd way to paint but whatever works for them, not my problem.
I get he does all the cooking too but she doesn’t eat so it’s just him & the kids, not like he’s cooking elaborate 3 course meals, he often cooks tuna mornay or soup – probably other things but not like he’s cooking something that takes all day prep, but the kitchen isn’t tidy, they have a pass through to the loungeroom which is full of crap too, there are poxy shelves in the kitchen like ones from the 90’s that have swirl brackets that are overflowing with stuff – no judgement, I had those shelves too. I get this type of house because it’s what I am used too from my childhood – one of the reasons I am like I am with my house (though I’m not at clean as he thinks I am, like I can’t remember the last time I actually mopped, it’s just easier with one person – I get that), I am not at all judging him or her for the state of their house, this was my norm as a kid. What I am trying to get at, is that he can’t be so busy cleaning that he can’t send a quick message more than once an hour – like he was before. He chooses not too!
The other thing he blames for his recent distance is his undiagnosed ADHD, 100% accurately self-diagnosed by Dr Phoenix himself. So is he saying he just got ADHD in the last three months? Because he was putting in effort, then maybe he caught ADHD off me while being around me more?? Fucking idiot excuse! Now you all know that I have been diagnosed, every person especially women, present differently. Phoenix blames his ADHD, saying he hyper fixates on things. I do this too. But it’s like he’s seen a TikTok that he related too & decided that he has ADHD & even after taking my ADHD medication that time we went to Hallet Cove & he said he felt no different, would indicate to anyone that he doesn’t have ADHD & is just looking for excuses as to why he’s a fucking cunt to me, but he is 100% adamant that he has it, yet hyper fixates on things but doesn’t like Lego…. Okay! Sure.
I still think that there is something going on that’s ill find out about in a few months time, he says he’s got nothing going on, no baby on the way, no pending nuptials like the last two times he did this to me, they’re apparently not moving interstate. It’s everything but Phoenix’s fault for how we are right now. So one can conclude that Phoenix is just a cunt because Phoenix is a cunt. Not because he’s got ADHD, not because he’s busy, he’s just a narcissistic asshole who only thinks of himself.
Despite this, he’s pushed me against a wall, the tiny part of a wall that forms the entry way. It hurts my back but I don’t move, not being allowed to really be inside. I let him finger me a couple of times but I stop it, each time & he asks why. I don’t want to just have sex with him, I can’t just have sex with him, we never resolve anything. He can never see his part he plays in this. I knew that this would happen, because I’m stupid. If he made a move, I would be putty in his hand… Why can’t I just get my key & walk away. I tell him to go down on me, he drops to the floor & sucks my clit while I put my leg up on one of the armchairs & over his shoulder, he sucks my clit making me so horny. He stands up & says fuck it that we’ll just fuck on the couch.
My mind goes to weird places, their couch has various piece of clothes, blankets, maybe some toys I’m not sure, but I don’t know what I am laying on or what I am smelling but it’s a stale smell on the blankets. Not gross but not pleasant. I tell him that he can’t fuck me, but I am pantie-less on my back on the couch waiting for him & tell him he can only go down on me, which he does & I cum. Of course, despite my protests & saying we are not having sex, he is inside me fucking me quicker than I like to admit. I tell him that I hate him, He’s a fucking asshole. He turns me over & fucks me on my knees before he gets too tired & sits on the couch.
I ride him & while fucking him we talk about our situation. It’s just the same conversation in circles. He says that the more I get grumpy & pull away, the more he does too. What he doesn’t see is that I only got grumpy because he is pulling away, I am not upset because he’s not talking to me as much as he used too, I am upset that he was putting in effort & now poof, he’s the busiest man on the planet & texting ‘good morning’ is just physically impossible. Poor guy!
He’s very complimentary while we’re having sex, asking me how much weight I’ve lost, telling me that my hair & eyelashes look good. Telling me that he loves me, which I say doesn’t count as his dick is inside me but he says that it does count. I’m like not really cos this is the time that you feel closest etc, but I lap up the compliments like a fucking twat… I wonder if he’s so complementary because he’s realising I haven’t sucked his dick for weeks, I stopped doing it, waiting for him to treat me better… I don’t think he’s even noticed, he’s getting it from his wife, so doesn’t even know when I last sucked it. He says he’s not going to cum, but tells me that I should go. Two things, I am pissed that he’s the one that is dictating how long we’re together & second if he’s not cumming, did he fuck her before I got here – remember they don’t have sex in the morning or night, so mid morning before work, perhaps? Fuck I hate these intrusive thoughts. He bends me over one of the arm chairs & fucks me hard & pulls my hair, which hurts so much that I think that I’m going to have to tell him to stop pulling, but then he cums. He does the usual, pull out & walk away move that makes me feel used & disrespected, don’t worry about me bent over a piece of furniture or giving me a little bit of love. Nah why would ya?!
I set about finding my clothes, I have to get out of here, I am looking around for my panties, I can’t find them, where did he take them off? I see a black pair of something stuck in the couch cushions, where we just fucked so maybe that’s it but I pull out something that I think are his boxers but realising they are too small for boxers but too big for my g string, I throw them down on a cushion as I realise they are her anko-bonds rip off undies, size M that I have just fucking touched… FUCK. They better be fucking clean, not cos they fucked on the couch! It ruins everything. My mood cannot recover.
I ask if I can go to the toilet, he doesn’t seem to want me to go, I mean his house is a disaster, so I’m not surprised, but it pisses me off that he knew I was coming to his house, he knew we would probably fuck, that I would (& should) pee after sex & he didn’t clean the toilet so I could go. I just head for the door & say don’t worry about it, not kissing him goodbye, I’m am done. He grabs me from behind saying not to think too much about what he’s doing etc, but I don’t turn to say goodbye, I just leave – it’s the last time that I ever go to his house. I knew nothing would be resolved. I walk out feeling just as shit, if not more shit as I did when I arrived, because he still has my key & I still wear his bracelet.
01 September 2025 – Monday Phoenix comes online around 11:30am – when his wife seemingly goes to work & tells me that he’s been watching a you tube documentary on boredom. “It was super interesting, just how bored modern humans are the reason we are and how to control it , most because of our use of phones.” We send about half a dozen messages & he leaves me on read. I know I am not giving him much with my conversation today, it’s hard to fake it some days… I really try but I can’t say that I ever do a good job. I say goodbye at 3:30pm when I leave work, without a lunchtime call & even though this is his night to chat to me, he has hardly text today, so I just say goodbye, sending a snap to keep the streak going, he reads it but then doesn’t reply for 2.5 hours.
I come home & decide its time to throw out the flowers he gave me for my birthday, if we were in a better place, I would have saved the rose petals for nostalgic reasons, but I throw them all in the bin. I go through a little ritual cleanse of Phoenix. I take his jumper out of the wash, I lint roll it – to remove all the dog hair he hates, fold it neatly & put in a bag. I don’t want to keep wearing it, I don’t want to keep looking at it. When I give it back, it will be the last time I have a piece of his clothing. I do not want it back – I mean I do, I want his jumper so badly but not this way… I take out the box that he gave me the bracelet in & try to take off the bracelet, but I stop. I can’t bear to take it off. I leave it on & instead I delete his number & email addresses out of my contacts in my phone that have been there for over five years. I delete his Facebook page in my recent search, I look at it from time to time – not as much as I was but once every couple of days I’ll scroll it, he barely posts anymore, not like he was a few weeks ago. I delete all the photos I have saved in a ‘him’ folder – they are now only on my computer. I turn off my location on snapchat – he hasn’t logged his location for weeks, so he doesn’t get to see what I am doing now. I have already stopped buying Pepsi Max because I feel like a fucking idiot every time my family is here & they see it, when he doesn’t care or really give a shit if I buy it or not so why bother… I had deleted his plex already & unsaved the log in details… I gather the geocache stamps, we now have two that we never used & I have two pairs of panties one with his face & one with his name I never wore, all in a bag as I can’t bring myself to throw them out… I also find the stupid ribbon that was on our easter bunnies, I put them in the bag too. The cleanse hurts, every move I make it hurts… Not a physical pain but metaphorical. I look at the bracelet again, I really can’t take it off… I know I have said I am single, I believe that to be true, but I don’t want it to be true, so I keep the bracelet on – for a little while longer, at least… Really hoping, as another petal hangs in the balance, that we can turn this around…
02 September 2025 – Today is 190 days since he started this V2.0. Remember HE STARTED THIS! I know I repeat that, but I just don’t get it… He made the effort for more chatting, saying how much he missed it, he started the sexless dates – something we’d never done before. He bought me jewellery, flowers, spent money on lunches. I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t ask for him to do this. But when I did have one request, just one request from him – to communicate better, but he could not do that.
Today, he chat’s sporadically, starting after 9:00am, there are gaps of an hour between messages, I go to lunch at 12:30pm, no mention of calling, I don’t ask for a call because I assume from the sporadic messages, he’s at work & he can’t message at work anymore, remember – his busy excuse or aka LMA. At 1:30pm he asks if I am going to call, I reply I don’t know his schedule, so I’d already gone to lunch – since when have I ever gone to lunch that late, you fucking dickhead?! He says he’s home today ‘sorting cords’, are you fucking kidding me? I ask how am I supposed to know that? What a fucking dick, he doesn’t want to tell me his schedule because he says I get pissed off, so now, the effort is all on him, I will not be putting in anything only to feel like a hooker. We talk about the cords for a couple of messages – what a fucking exciting topic! He couldn’t message me because of fucking cords… Didn’t he always do three things at once?! I am so fucking low down the list of priorities, I now fall below sorting cords… It’s actually embarrassing to write about & if you don’t judge me yet, I judge you, for not judging me… Hahaha…
At 3:00pm, I say goodnight, he reads it & doesn’t reply, knowing I have an hour drive home that he could call me. But an hour & a half later he says, “Goodnight chat tomorrow xx”. Will he chat tomorrow? Can we really call what we have done recently chatting?! Because honestly, now I am second fiddle to fucking cord sorting! He really is just the biggest asshole. Several petals wilt as one falls swiftly to the floor…
03 September 2025 – His good morning message catches my breath for a second, “Good morning 🙂 I am so sorry today , think I had too many pillows last night.” What is he so sorry about? Is he ending it with me? Is he ending it with her? Has he realised he’s treating me so poorly?! Oh none of the above, he’s just done a fucking typo & he meant to say ‘so sore.’ Fuck that was a downward spiral that made me sit bolt upright. I say “I was like, sorry…. You never say sorry to me so didn’t think that was right.” & he ignores my sassiness & just says that he upped his weights so maybe that’s why, I say yeah it’s probably why & he reads it & doesn’t reply or try to keep the conversation going or tell me what he’s doing so we can maybe call for lunch. Nope, nothing.
As I leave work, I send a snap for the stupid streak & say “Great chats as always. Have a good night. Xxx.” He writes back, I assume just goodnight so I don’t look at it until I am home a bit later, not as long as he takes, but enough to know that he would have logged off for the night already, he says, “You dont seem to want to chat to me , 😕 So all I want to do is back off … As usual…” Get fucked. When you’re left on read, what is there to say?! So I snap, “Oh, I’m really sorry Phoenix. I didn’t realise I was the one leaving you on read or taking ages to reply to watch docos on boredom or sort cords… I will again, try harder to make you feel like I want to chat to you. How was your evening? I know it must’ve been jammed packed, being so busy & all? What did you do? What did you have for dinner? Did you have fun? I went to the chemist after work, made swedish meatballs for dinner, did some pilates & watched True Blood.” I wonder if he’ll pick up on my sarcasm… Is he joking that I don’t want to talk to him?! God he’s a fucking cock head!
04 September 2025 – No he doesn’t get my tone because he says “Ahhh dont be sorry.” Mate, I am not fucking sorry one little bit!! “I’m not really sorry… 🤷🏼♀️ Taking a leaf out of your guide book, just say it but don’t mean it…” But he ignores it focusing on how I do Pilates at home. He then sends me a screenshot of his work social media, you know the stupid internal Facebook type social media where you’re supposed to cheer on colleagues & stuff, that no one ever uses it. Well Phoenix has used AI to make himself really fat, like 200-300kg fat & on a treadmill. I would have once found that funny, but I now just realise he is a fuckwit. He writes some dumb thing about making work his passion in life & all I can think is that he could get fired for this shit… He does tell me later that he got told off for the posts, as he did a couple… What is wrong with this guy?!
I tell him about that the cops were coming over to get my security footage, the neighbour was attacked at home when a Facebook marketplace sale went wrong, the dude smashed through the window, hit him in the head with a tyre iron & then ran off. My security footage caught it all, see stalker camera pays off! I thought the guy had smashed the window to take the money back & keep the phone. But he didn’t steal anything, just came back to smash the window & hit my neighbour…
Then I realise when he’s not written back that he didn’t call me on his break, “By the way, never say again that you feel like I don’t want to talk to you. You just had a break & clearly don’t want to call anymore. So do a bit of self reflecting as to why I give you so little of me, because you are lucky to be giving 10% of what I give.” He says, “Is everyone in your neighbourhood creepy? I just assumed you didn’t want to talk to me.” I am the one busting my butt to dribble shit about neighbour to keep the fucking text conversation going… “Well I don’t know your schedule Phoenix, mine is always the same. So I can’t ever be the one to offer to see you or speak to you. It’s up to you & you’re making it clear how you feel.” I hate being like this but I hate that I am feeling so insignificant, “I do want to talk to you and still feel that way.” I am over this, I say, “Doesn’t seem like it. Anyway, have a good evening. Night.” & he says “Ahh okay hopefully we can ttalk on the phone tomorrow then. Good night x.” It’s a Friday, I don’t want to get my hopes up, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
On the way home, it’s like it’s perfect timing, the jewellery store calls to say that my ring has arrived…. I head straight to the shops & pick it up… It’s a thin 10 karat yellow gold band with a emerald cut, claw set Emerald stone, flanked with round brilliant cut diamond accents. It fits perfectly. I love it as I slip onto my ring finger, not even sad that I’ll never get a ring from Phoenix. I’ll be surprised if I ever get anything but a orgasm from him again & actually, I’ll be surprised if I even get that!
05 September 2025 – He says good morning, which I reply the same & have a good day. I am not waiting around for him on a Friday anymore. But he asks about the dude assaulting my neighbour because there is a post on my story he looked at. We chat on the phone for his break, I have no idea what about but then talk about food, “Would’ve brought you some for lunch but fuck buddies don’t do that…” & he says, “I wouldn’t of said no 😜Im heading off line, chat soon x Im working tomorrow and have Sunday off.” I feel like it’s a little too late to tell me about his schedule now… right?! I needed this information months ago… “Firstly I don’t know your schedule so I couldn’t bring you lunch. Secondly girlfriends bring lunch & know their boyfriends schedules because they talk all the time. Fuck buddies talk sporadically & meet up for 15 min sex. We are fuck buddies.” I want him to know, I am no longer his girlfriend, he is free.
At this point, as you know I won’t call him my boyfriend or partner, I barely can even call him my best friend right now. Can I even call him a friend? Even a friend wouldn’t treat someone the way he has treated me & still be a friend. He is just someone in my life. But is he really in my life? I can’t even remember the last time he made effort to come see me, properly see me, not like last Thursday when he treated me like a whore for 15 minutes. Obviously my birthday comes to mind, but that doesn’t count because that was a special occasion, but before that, I can’t honestly remember. Very early July he came to my work for lunch but he didn’t make any effort during the rest of July & August, yes I had a new job far away but I have worked from home more than I expected. He has had weekends where he could have taken time to see me for a date but didn’t.
If you remember, I never asked him to spend a day with me until he did it. In early March he told his family that he was working & spent a few hours at my house, this is before we were going on dates but I cooked him a crumpet bowl. He suggested doing that, I didn’t. He suggested the sexless dates & started seeing me at my work for lunch. Then I added in the trip to him for lunch & started planning meals to take to him, making sure I did something healthy & different, showing my culinary skills & trying to impress him. What a dickhead! He doesn’t even care, he hasn’t ever brought me lunch? Well he did bring me takeaway & once gave me a tuna mornay he made. We go out for lunch (which is nice) but then he spends the entire time bitching about petrol or a speeding ticket, whatever he whinges about, making me feel like shit & to top it off, I never even fucking asked for him to come see me!!! When I did ask, he always had an excuse why he couldn’t. Urgh why is this man so infuriating!? A petal floats away from the stem falling in the red pile of petals lying on the floor.
29 August 2025 – I have never felt more used & more unloved than I did yesterday however, him turning back, looking me in the eye as he grabbed my waist tight to actually say that he loves me, without prompting, without me saying it first, stupidly gave me hope. So even though I am hurting & dying inside, I keep the chat light & about sex.
I go for a walk during our phone call today, my usual thing – mainly because our conversations jump all over the place & usually, end up one of two ways, in us fighting about the way we are treating each other or talking about sex… Neither topic is suitable for work & no colleague wants to hear it. I say that I find his voice so attractive & that I am so wet just by chatting to him, he says he wants to feel that but then goes for the day.
30 August 2025 – On February 27 2025, when Phoenix was rekindling this, reinvigorating a proper friendship he had said, “Just a heads up I won’t be around much tomorrow, but I am committed to this and do plan improving things between us and improving communication to you” & then this “But I do want to make more of an effort. I do miss our chats. Chatting to you properly has made me realize this “
On February 28 2025 he said “But there is also always a place in my heart for you too somehow despite how much I’m try to resist you, push you away, keep my distance or even just treat you like total shit. And I have spent years trying to replace you, always drawn back online, trying to replace our banter, our friendship , our connection we have always had…. our chemistry…. not even for an affair or for sex, simply for the bullshit, it never happens , I’ve met some cool people over time but it never last long, always heading back to things like anon app and chat app trying to replace you. Turns out you’re un replacable , because I fucking tried pretty hard, even at the sake of you and not giving you my full attention or even a message when I could, again intentially to create distance and push you away “
He says now when I ask, that nothing has changed, nothing is happening, but just in six months since he started this v2.0, Phoenix has started doing exactly what he told me he didn’t want. I gave him an out two weeks ago & he said he didn’t want it. But this weekend will be the first weekend in ages where he is working but I don’t see him & he doesn’t even ask me to see him. He says he’s working Saturday 6:30am to 10:00am – a weird shift, I’ve never known him to have before & he’s not working Sunday but the way he told me he’s not working Sunday made me think that he is – should I drive past & see? Fuck sake, do not do that #IBD4U!
Anyway today he has less than five hours of time away from his family that he could chat to me in, he says that he’ll only get a ten-minute break so yesterday I told him to call me on his break – he’s agreed that it is still the highlight of his day speaking to me on the phone, even if I am being bitchy or angry. But he’s been at work now, at the time of writing this for almost two hours. It’s after 8:00am when he said he’d call for his break & I haven’t even had a message, not even ‘good morning’ like I usually get. I wrote a couple of messages last night but he hasn’t even read them so I am not sending another message.
After he gave me the bracelet on 24 March 2025 for our anniversary, I started to think of myself as no longer single, when I finally admitted that to Phoenix on 11 April 2025, that I didn’t consider myself single, I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend & he said yes. I haven’t fucked anyone else for years, even with the little Phoenix gave me prior to this, I never wanted anyone else. Now he is my boyfriend & I really don’t want anyone else. I only want him. I don’t even chat to other people, at all. Why do I feel like he doesn’t want the same….
He calls on his break, without a hello text message, perhaps for him the talking on the phone being the highlight of his day is replacing the highlight of my day & that was waking up to see his name on my watch that he’s messaged me, thought about me as he woke up, not made an excuse about being tired or a zombie when he wakes up, or that he’s a busy person that he’s written a simple ‘good morning’ for months & it sets the tone of the day for me – for us, I don’t message first because he is always up before me. But also I feel like now that I am just annoying him & he no longer wants to communicate with me. So I let him message me first. I always get notifications so I will always reply.
We talk for 15 mins while on his break mainly about going to the royal show today, but I ask why he is going to spend money on the show when they are planning on Japan in October. He says that he applied for money out of his loan but hasn’t come through yet & he hasn’t got a printer for the passport stuff so he might not get to Japan until next year… So two things on this, as if because he doesn’t have a printer he won’t go this year – when he also didn’t go to Falling in Reverse concert because of this Japan trip & second that means that he is still planning on being with her in a years time. FUCK! But also for the first time since he mentioned this trip, I realise that her passport will have his last name… & it will remain on her passport for ten years… ABSOLUTE FUCK.
We send about three messages after we hang up & then he is gone for the day. As much as I was happy with the way things were pre V2.0, Phoenix chose to make this more than just fuck buddies once a month, chatting sporadically. He changed the whole game, he was really making an effort to come see me at work for sex-less dates – the biggest thing change in v2.0 was the sexless dates led by him, he would message me all the time, he then started the daily calls, then as soon as I start to get used to the dynamic, he pulls back, not just a little bit but all the way back, he hasn’t been messaging me as much, he hasn’t been coming to visit me, he doesn’t tell me his schedule so I can’t make plans to visit him… Then when I get upset about it because I want to see him, I want to be near him, he cracks the shits at me for being angry. So if I want this to keep going, I can’t show any feelings. Not that I am upset, not that I am angry.
So I ask you this, if you had a boyfriend who isn’t really ever been 100% yours, so you know you get limited time but he said goodbye at 10:00am, didn’t come back online until 11:30am the next day – something he now does regularly, has been telling you for months that he is a busy person, but then proceeded to tell you that he watched a documentary on YouTube on boredom… What would you think about your relationship?
I don’t even know if there is another way to describe the hurt & pain it brings me to say this right now… But in conclusion to the last few months, mainly weeks, I now, no longer consider myself in a relationship with Phoenix & I am 100% single. While rises have 20-40 petals, I’m afraid that what remains of our rose, is just the core.
31 August 2025 – The revelation of being single again, after I spent 20 years being single, having Phoenix properly for six months was worth it… I don’t regret it. Would I do things differently now that I read my blog & see the fucking weird things I did… Yes. But when you are in it, feeling disrespected & unloved on a daily basis by the person who you loved & respected the most, it’s hard not to be reactive… I am good at self-reflection, I can see the part I played, but I can’t see it when I am sitting in bed waiting for him to message & he has gone to bed without a thought of me…
He does chat later in the morning on Sunday, he says that they didn’t get home till after midnight because they had ride vouchers to use after the fireworks. We talk about a protein power I bought, thinking he’d want to try it but because it’s vegan he just shuts it down & I feel like a child being scolded by my dad, that I wish I never showed him. He says goodbye for the day & am more sure than ever….
I am single.
There will be no final blog post where I say to Phoenix ‘I’ve been dating for you…’ & we share a romantic kiss…
Sorry readers, spoiler alert.
Ironically at post 69, I am single. It hurts. It’s painful. It’s tourtue. But I can’t help but ask, was I ever really his girlfriend?
But I know for certian as another petal falls from the wilting rose. I am single.
25 August 2025 – Being that we left it good & I felt good about the weekend, I had put in the effort that J-Lo said I should. I didn’t hate it either. But I made an actual over the top effort to be nice, not say anything bitchy, not look pissed off… So I don’t want to message him first, Phoenix even said so himself, we left things good last night so do you know what, if he wants to go back to full days of not talking, then so be it… He looked at my story at 11:30am… & doesn’t message me, fucking cunt… He’s online but keeping his distance… I am beyond angry now, I am just fucking gutted. He’s online & chatting to all his other women he said he has on there, clearly… This man only a few months ago told me that he wants to chat to me as much as he can & he even had a go at me for not telling him I could see him because he wants to see me as much as he can, now he’s online looking at my story & not messaging me?! I know she doesn’t start work until 12:00pm, so he usually doesn’t talk to me till she leaves around 11:00-11:30am anyway, so he’s come online when she left but gave me nothing. Okay then.
I am feeling shit not only about him but work too, I have started a new job & I have been asked to make some changes, I’ve implemented them, had several team meetings but got resistance the whole way along. I held a meeting this morning which was supposed to be an hour but went half an hour over because someone doesn’t want the files to move, but everyone else was on board. So I left the meeting defeated.
I feel defeated with Phoenix. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if I can keep putting in that type of effort to get nothing back. He’s told me he backs away to protect himself, so I have been doing the same, but this weekend I have really put in effort, much to my disgust, I didn’t want to show any vulnerability to him but I’ve had too & now I’m getting nothing back. It’s a vicious circle. But he is pulling away & I don’t know why… He says there is nothing besides how tired & how much he’s working, but yet he was working as much before, doing his Facebook crap & messaging me all the time. Saying things to make me feel special without even trying. Now I just feel like an obligation, a burden, someone he tolerates. I feel awful & I am like a battered wife I guess, I keep coming back for more & then blame myself for showing my feelings.
At 1:50pm he asks how my day is going. I say it’s going ok & he says his is average, “I was putting my hard rubbish out this morning and scratched myself with rusty nails haha. Been about 7 years since I had tetanus so had tto go to the docs. Ducking annoying.” He says that he didn’t actually need the shot, wasted his day & was freaking out about the needle… I wish he talked to me this morning about it, no doubt she didn’t go with him because she starts work at 12:00pm on Mondays & can only call in sick when her Wegovy makes her sick, not for supporting her husband…
We talk sporadically about work & him making tuna mornay for the kids for dinner, I say it’s lucky he was super busy today because he would have got a boring work story if we called today. He says that he did chat a bit – which is not true, but anyway, he says goodnight before 9:00pm, I can’ t help when a little crazy comes out when I am trying so hard for it not to be “I don’t know your schedule so I wait for you to message or see me, just as it always was… Like you didn’t want to go back too, but have… Night.” And just like that, two petals float to the floor…
26 August 2025 – Finally at 10:15am he messages – probably logged on for hours & he says “Good morning sexy lady.” He asks how I am & I say lost, he asks why, “Don’t know what’s happening with you. Don’t know what to do at work.” He asks if I want a phone call today & I say yes. No one is at the office that matter today, we talk about work as I walk & when I get back to the office about to say goodbye we bring up the relationship & we talk for two hours about what is going on. We resolve nothing, we just go around in circles. I ask for communication & he just says he can’t chat to me as much as I want. I say I never asked for that & he says he’s a busy person. Round & round we go.
I try to understand what he does on a Friday that stops him from messaging me at all, when he used too. I ask why he can’t message me in the shower, he says he always showers around 7:00pm & she is in the bedroom & they don’t shut the door & she can see him in the shower, vice versa, she can see him when she’s in the shower. I just don’t get it, every Friday they have the same routine? Not sitting in the lounge room with their kids after dinner – the kids he stayed for but Phoenix & his wife sit & watch each other in the shower while their kids are alone? He says that he never plays with his phone around her because she knows the signs to look for with cheating. I get that, but he cooks dinner, I know what their house looks like, their kitchen is separate to the lounge, she is not watching him every fucking minute of the day. Like the day he went to mow the lawns but didn’t think to message me while outside away from her – he doesn’t have my blog in his head anynore, so he just doesn’t think of me at all.
After the call, I don’t know if things are better or not, I don’t think he can change, I don’t think he really loves me, I think he loves the idea of me… The sex we have, but me personally I don’t think he loves me, I am not sure he’s capable of loving anyone else but himself… But I restore our snapstreak again which expired today 139 days… “I want a snapchat streak with you…. 🥰” He then says, “One way I tried really hard with you …. 😐” I mean I was restoring it too, so I’m not sure why that’s him trying really hard… He restored it twice after he let it lapse… So that’s not what I call trying hard but sure thing. “I did appreciate that & you restoring it, was one of the ways you showed me you cared about me.“ & he says, “Well I do care just not good at showing it.” I know that he is not the best at showing it, but he did, he did show it, so much so that I thought that we were actually boyfriend & girlfriend, but if I reflect on it, that was about the time that this went south… If you look back, as soon as I said it, even though he agreed, he started pulling away. I really let my guard down & he really pulled back.
Contrary to what he thinks, “I don’t want to get grumpy, I’m just not good at controlling my feelings when people don’t do what I expect. It’s not about criticising what you do do, it’s just I expect things to say the same so I get pissed when they change… I like change but not when it means less if my best friend / boyfriend. If you still want to be either…” & he says, “I still do.” Wow don’t strain yourself there Phoenix, making me feel like you actually believe those words…
He goes offline & I share this song… He says he’ll give it a listen but I don’t know if he ever does… Love is the death of peace of mind – I said I love you & then I lost my peace of mind & he took me for granted…
Bad Omens – Death of Peace of Mind
I made another mistake, thought I could change Thought I could make it out Promises break, need to hear you say You’re gonna keep it now
I miss the way you say my name The way you bend, the way you break Your makeup running down your face The way you touch, the way you taste
When the curtains call the time Will we both go home alive? It wasn’t hard to realize Love’s the death of peace of mind
You’re in the walls that I made with crosses and frames Hanging upside down For granted, in vain, I took everything I ever cared about
I miss the way you say my name The way you bend, the way you break Your makeup running down your face The way you fuck, the way you taste
When the curtains call the time Will we both go home alive? It wasn’t hard to realize Love’s the death of peace of mind
When the curtains call the time Will we both be satisfied? It wasn’t hard to realize Love’s the death of peace of mind Love’s the death of peace of mind
You come and go in waves Leaving me in your wake You come and go in waves Swallowing everything Are you satisfied? Love’s the death of peace of mind Mind, mind
When the curtains call the time Will we both go home alive? It wasn’t hard to realize Love’s the death of peace of mind
When the curtains call the time Will we both be satisfied? It wasn’t hard to realize Love’s the death of peace of mind Love’s the death of peace of mind
27 August 2025 – I sent him a snap last night of my almost dead birthday flowers, much like our relationship, dying in front of my eyes… Wow that analogy about the Beasts rose was never more real! He says that flowers don’t last forever. I also noticed last night that he deleted the Handmaids tale from his plex account, he says that he thought I had finished watching it. I delete his plex from my TV… Every time I have asked him to download something anyway, he’s made it seem like it was such a big chore, I won’t ask him to do anything for me ever again… No wonder I’m so independent, when Phoenix makes eveything I ask seem like a giant hassle!
I ask if he is free for a call & he just says “yeah I am” & I say don’t be too excited. But we call & chat for my break. I ask if he has listened to the song & he says that he loves that song… I also ask him, despite what I literally just said about his plex – but it comes out my mouth before I think, that he can download the Michael Moore documentaries for me, “Why do want to watch Micheal more docos lol. There is sooo many docos on YouTube these days. Ill download it when I get some time. I feel like some of his docos would be outdated by now.” I have instant regret asking him to do it… ‘when he gets time’ like he’s so fucking busy, today he sent a snap of him playing video games at his computer, just search the doco, click download & play your game… Considering he was the one who offered a number of times, he makes me feel like I am asking for the world when I ask him to download something… I never ask anything of anyone, in fact I could probably download them myself, I just haven’t downloaded in years, but I liked him doing it for me & thinking about him doing it without being asked & doing it without saying anything to me, just waited for me to find it on his account. Three petals hang from the rose, drifting one by one to the floor…
28 August 2025 – Today I am working from home, I don’t get to do it much & I wasn’t even going to tell Phoenix because things have been so weird & even though he’s told me that he wants to see me whenever he can & talk to me whenever he can, he’s been pulling away, saying that it’s because I’m always grumpy & critising him. So basically, I can’t be anything but a fuck buddy around him or he pulls away more making things worse.
We had a two hour conversation while I was at work this week, an hour conversation another day & I think things will be better. He seems to understand where I am coming from, I am making an effort so he will too. But truly, I am holding back any feelings & trying to just go with the flow, I’m clearly not doing a good job but I haven’t ever had someone spout their love to me so much then turn around & say they are to busy to even message me.
I can’t fucking stand him saying how busy he is. He works part time, which is five minutes away from his home, he does all the cooking, cleaning & washing – yes he does it for four people, I only do it for one but he’s done that the whole time I’ve known him. I also have my lash business, work full time with an hour away in a job that’s comes home with me most days – so the fact he says he’s so busy just pisses me off, considering he made time for me before & now he doesn’t. The other thing I have noticed, is that he’s posting way less on his FB page, from like 6-8 posts a day to 2-3 max – so what is he so busy doing?!
I said to him last night not to worry about downloading that I understand how busy he is, I put a smiley face so he knows that I am not angry, he says this morning “Sorry I am busy person these days …” Really? Doing what? He’s been painting & his FB page but adding both of those do not even add up to a full time job with a commute. I try to be nonchalant & say “Yeah I know. I don’t want to cause you to be more busy, so do what you got to do & fit me in when you can! 😊” I don’t want to be an obligation or something that he has to do or has to talk to me. He tries to be cheeky “I like to fit in you.” I smile knowing, I have to keep it light or he’ll be pissed & he’s coming to see me today, “Well, I don’t want you to not do the things you like or housework because of me.” Because I don’t want to be the reason again that he gives up what he likes doing like he said he did before, but I want him to factor me in. “As much as it frustrates you sometimes I do need to adult sometimes and I know you understand.” Did he mean to say that I don’t understand?I don’t think he understands my frustration at all, I am not frustrated because he is so busy, I am frustrated because he doesn’t tell me what he is doing, so when he doesn’t log on for 23 hours & now sometimes even longer than that, I don’t sit here catastrophising everything, or thinking about him fucking her all day. I respond “I’m not going into it again, that’s not what frustrates me… You do what you need to do.” & he reads it & doesn’t reply. Have I pissed him off? Great. I was trying to diffuse the situation & use his line on him about doing what you need to do.
At about 11:50am, I put on the air fryer & put the chicken patties for our burgers in there to cook. I go back to work at my desk & at 12:01pm, he messages, I expect it to say that he’s on his way, but as I am picking up my phone I get a feeling, a bad gut feeling & my feeling is right “Im going to have to cancel today sorry” Fuck you. At least I got a sorry this time, but I burst into heaving tears immediately. Errr what the fuck is with the tears?! I am shaking, I am so hurt. He just really doesn’t care now at all, he said he would never bail. He’s pissed off at me so he’s bailing. I don’t get to work from home very often & have no clue of his schedule, this is a wasted opportunity & I am really at his mercy here. I have a few options, I read it & don’t initially reply, which I am thankful for, waiting for him to call or message again explaining why. Maybe something happened – but how ironic that it happened at exactly 12:00pm when he is finishing work & coming over…
I walk into the kitchen, crying, unable to see & think I can be bitchy & say fuck you or goodnight or something, I could just ask why or I could just be sweet like J-Lo told me to be & so I say, “I made you lunch 🥺” with a crying face. I expect for him not to even read it, usually when he bails, he’ll bail & then delete the app instantly, like it’s burning a hole in his phone, but he asks what I made for lunch & he says, “Maybe I’ll see you super quick”. He then calls me & I try to hide the fact I am crying… I assume he’s going to be about 20 minutes but he arrives in 10 minutes, so where the fuck was he going if he was only 10 mins away? I’ve made his lunch so he walks in & kisses me then starts eating, telling me it’s yum & that he can’t be long as his wife has gone home sick – how that woman has any sick leave is beyond me. What annoys me is, I’m certain she was home earlier & instead of being a man & telling me what’s happening, he had to just say he’s cancelling & give me nothing else… I ask how he’s getting away with this then now & he says that he was planning on getting his hair cut anyway so he can’t stay long.
So a couple of things, if he had to bail because she has gone home why not just tell me that, he knows I am an overthinker, he has read all about it on here now, all the stupid thoughts that I have when he doesn’t come back online, yet it doesn’t occur to him to reassure me that it’s not got anything to do with how weird things are between us & why not call me to bail, he knows I am home, he knows I am able to chat so why not call me to talk while he drives home at least, even for that five minute drive? He used too, but of course, he’s now too busy in that five minute drive to call me. I’m sure he’d find a way to blame the roadworks or his Bluetooth….
So when we kiss, I kiss him back & we go into the kitchen while he is eating. I just sit on the bench not thinking much of it & he stands between my legs & we kiss a bit more & he puts his hands between my legs & his face lights up when he realises I have no panties on, he puts down the one bite that he has left of his burger & fingers me. He fingers me hard that it hurts a bit, so I pull away a little as it really isn’t good, it’s too rushed & rough. Not rough in a good way! But this is his sign to pull his pants down & fuck me on the kitchen bench, I’m barely even wet. He pulls out of me so fast & says that he’s going to cum, to stop himself, he pushes my legs apart & goes down on me, then goes back to fingering me. He pulls me down off the bench & we kiss more, him pushing me against the counter. He fingers me again, this time it’s better while sucking on my nipple, one leg up on the counter & his hand behind my back that as I start cumming I get heavier in his arms & lean back against him. One thing I’ve noticed, maybe he’s always done it but it’s happening more & more, is my orgasms can last a few seconds, but as soon as he feels me start to cum, he’ll stop whatever he’s doing, like he thinks I cum for one second… He could literally make the orgasm go to the next level & a bit better by going a few extra seconds.
I jump up on the bench & we fuck, he fucks me hard, with minimal kissing. I lean back & he sucks my nipples before he grabs my hair really tight & I know he’s about to cum. When he cums, he pulls out instantly as usual, never being inside me for longer than a split seconds after he’s cum, he walks away & starts taking off his socks saying he’s going to have a shower. I am still laying sprawled out on the bench, he doesn’t bother to help me up – not that I need help, but could I feel more like a hooker? He just leaves me there. He comes over to kiss me swiftly, as he’s pacing & walks off again. I hear the shower turn on & he gets in. I know he doesn’t have much time but fucking hell, he said he wouldn’t wham bam thank you mam with me, I mean all he had to do was pull me up & give me a quick cuddle.
We’ve had this type of scenario before where ‘He doesn’t have much time’ but it’s been because I’ve egged him on to come fuck me when it’s risky early one Sunday morning back in the beginning of V2.0. But today I had just been crying, about him, the way he’s been treating me & this just sums up the last few weeks. I mean absolutely fucking nothing to him. I have been putting in so much effort to make things right, hiding any anger or holding my sadness back so he doesn’t see, – maybe I haven’t done a good job, because god forbid I show some emotion, he’ll double down & pull away. But this proves what I have been trying to avoid. I mean nothing to him. Why am I still in this? A petal precariously close to dropping off…
He showers & is dressed within 15 minutes of being at my house, he has eaten a burger, fucked me & showered, then he’s grabbing his keys & walking to the front door, it’s like a last minute thought to kiss me goodbye, I say see ya with a peck on the lips, not walking with him to the door for another kiss, I’m afraid I’m going to sob, but he turns back, coming back around the corner, grabbing me tightly, looking right into my eyes & says, “I do love you”, I smirk & say, “that’s good to know”, he kisses me quickly again & he’s gone. I didn’t know it then, but it’s the last time Phoenix ever steps foot in my house, it only took 15 minutes to destroy six months of this version of our affair. Even with that last declaration that I’ve needed so desperately to hear, there are only a few petals remaining…
20 August 2025 – I am going to be stubborn & not write to him first, he will chat when he can… We all know how well that went years ago when he said that to me then told me later when we did reconnect, because of me – not him, that I never wrote back to it so he didn’t ever message me ever again! I know he will hate this, but chances of him reading are slim, but I am chatting to J-Lo about what’s happening with Phoenix & J-Lo tells me to message him, try & call him… So I message – I don’t know what I message I write because I delete both messages when he doesn’t answer my call or message me, I don’t think they were bitchy so I don’t know why I delete them. I don’t even know if he’s online – assuming he wasn’t… So I send, “Ok then, chat tomorrow?” & he never reads it… Another day since starting this that we don’t talk, so much for missing me & literally saying yesterday that he didn’t want to fuck me off & doesn’t want to go back to how we were.
I told you it wouldn’t last, didn’t I?! Every time he treats me poorly, a little peice of my connection with him dies… Like the Beasts rose in the west wing with petals slowly dropping every day, our connection is wilting & with it, my feelings for him…
21 August 2025 – He logs on the next day & says “What did you delete haha? I was stuck at work all day yesterday and stuck on tills and couldn’t chat much.” Much? He didn’t chat at all… I can’t help it, I say, “Not even hello? Yet, you didn’t want to go back to how we were…” But I’m going for a more melancholy tone than bitchy, he says that he thought this was what I wanted… No I didn’t want to cut you out of my life all together, “No, I gave you an out, you said you didn’t want it then ignore me… I’m trying because you said you didn’t want to go back to how we were…” He says, “I’m confused …. but I don’t want to keep upsetting you every week. But hello 😜” I don’t want that either… “Well, you don’t want to be vulnerable to me anymore for some reason & because you don’t, I feel like you don’t even like me, let alone love me & I feel like I’m bugging you, so I back off, so you back off further… “ He was so vulnerable when he started this, he literally put all his cards on the table, took a big risk & now doesn’t care about what happens to us? “You never bug me unless you are getting angry and frustrated at me .” I feel like I can’t show any emotion to him at all, because when I do, he pulls back & makes it worse, when all he has to do is say something like ‘I miss you’ but he doesn’t… We do talk on the phone today, It is a lot better but still strained… I am taking J-Lo’s advice that Phoenix is going through something & I need to just be there for him…
I ask Phoenix if he is working this weekend & ask to come see him for a hug. I never asks & he said a while ago he hates being the one that has to ask all the time. I offer up different times & he says he can’t be long – since when has it ever been more than his 30 minute break? This pisses me off, I finally ask to see him & he can’t commit, so I say, “You can just say no.” Why does he have to make he it seems like I asked for his first born child, I just asked him to stay an hour after work to see me. I say goodnight & that I hope he’ll find time tomorrow to at least say hello, he says he’ll try but can’t guarantee anything. Why is he being such a cunt when he literally said he doesn’t want to fuck me off? A petal from the rose drifts slowly to the floor…
22 August 2025 – It’s Friday, he doesn’t log on at all… So again, I take J-Lo’s advice & I message Phoenix all day, including sending two pictures one of me in lingerie because I’ve lost 6kgs & feeling better about myself finally, “Good morning buttercup! Yummy lunch… Becoming a staple in my diet. Already got my first excuse to my new filing system… “ I’d told him about the new filing system because I wanted his thoughts on it & he’d agreed with me, “Apparently PHD can’t find anything, he said it was in the dept folder…. I said it’s all still there, just in a folder called the deot name & then the folder inside is the exact folder you had in a random bids folder…. Like I didn’t move the data inside the folder, it’s all sorted as it was… He was like but how do we know what’s in progress… Well you use the CRM, not use the files to sort out what’s in progress…” Later that night I am still talking to myself, getting more & more deflated… As if I could possible be hurt by the man anymore, but here we are, he may as well be stabbing me, “I went to the dog park after work for a walk, had another fro pro pie for dinner. Now watching a movie…” When I finish the movie, it’s time for a sleepless night… I am supposed to see him this weekend, but I think I’ve really fucked it up this time… “Guess I’ve really pushed you away if you’ve now not come online 3 days this week… So I’ll say nighty night baby cakes, hope you’ll message tomorrow & I can come see you for your first break. Night xxx.” Reading back in this, I am so stupid, this isn’t love. This isn’t even friendship… Another rose petal falls…
23 August 2025 – He messages me at 6:20am, I know he’s been up for hours & I know he’s been at work for a while so I try not to let that bother me… I said it before but when I look back at this I know I seem a little unhinged, but when you’re in it & being disrespected every fucking day, it’s hard not to react at how you’re being treated, when you were told the complete opposite.
I suggest that I come to see him today for his break, we have got tomorrow planned but we need some more damage control… I don’t know what else to do… but he says, “My breaks are so hard to predict with this shitty cost cutting roster.” They were always hard to predict but he did it & I came to see him, every fucking weekend… Why is it so different now?! But I take heated lasagna to his work, like the fuckwit that I am but maybe he’ll see how hard I am trying & how little effort he’s putting in… We sit chatting like normal, tension yes but more relaxed than it has been that we kiss & hug a bit today too… I tell him that I was accepted into the Christmas Pageant again this year & it surprises him that I am into that. This will be my second year doing it. When he goes back to work, he sends, “Thanks for seeing me pretty pagent lady.”
Ironically – or maybe not ironic, but bloody obvious, because things were better face to face, he messages a lot more this afternoon, mainly about food & how hungry he’ll be tonight when he gets home. But he replies consistently… I take the conversation to sex & how much I want him to fuck me, because that will keep him chatting also, which it does… Until he says that he has to go , so I say “Night. See you tomorrow fuck buddy! Xxx” That is what he is, he is a fuck buddy, this isn’t love… This isn’t a relationship, this isn’t a boyfriend, this isn’t friendship, this is fuck buddy territory again. Another petal wilts to the ground….
24 August 2025 – I been making a fuck ton of effort this week, trying my hardest to not show any emotion & keeping that swiftly wilting rose from dying. I have been messaging even though he’s not come back online three days this week, he’s chosen not to make things better & chat to me, but I am chatting & hiding my feelings. Two of those days I tried & he didn’t even come online. I’ve also noticed that he’s turned off his location, it was sporadic at best anyway, but he’s now turned it off completely. Rightio then.
He’s barely talked to me this morning, at 6:00am, I know he is at work, but hasn’t messaged… I want sex so I have to put in the effort here & not be pissed off… I can’t be myself around him, my reaction to the way he’s treating me is making him regret his decision to start A3V2.0…. “If you didn’t wake up with at least a semi, thinking about fucking me today, we can no longer be friends…” I have to wait two hours before he replies. “No comment Wait how did you wake up?”
We haven’t said anything about catching up today but I get ready putting on panties I had made with Phoenix’s face on them.. I’ve had them for long while & also another pair with his name in diamante letters across the back of them that I have been saving for a date day, but I don’t think there are going to be many of those in our future, so I put the pair with his face on & get in my car & head down to his work with lunch & wait. I haven’t said anything so I click on snapchat to update my location & he can see I am here without me having to say anything. Why the fuck don’t I just say I am there?! But fuck him, he’s not replied to my last message, & like I said I have put in an enormous amount of effort this week, with barely anything in return, me putting in more & more effort is just fucking me off. But like J-Lo said to me, just be nice, just be sweet & for now put my feelings aside – which haven’t I done that for eight years? So I try, oh my god do I try but it’s so hard because it’s not really my usual style to be sickly sweet & beg for someone’s time.
It’s been almost ten minutes since he finished work & he hasn’t messaged or come out. Maybe I got the time wrong. His car is still here, so at least that’s something. But then, for some reason, I turn to look at his car & see him walking toward it. WTF. My heart starts racing, he’s carrying stuff, so maybe he just wants to put that in his car before he comes over to where I always park. That’s ok I guess. But then, I see him get into his car, he puts the brakes on, my heart starts pounding & then I see the reverse lights. Maybe he’s just moving his car closer to me. He hasn’t messaged or looked at my last message of my cunt being drippy. I haven’t messaged either – but why would I when he hasn’t even looked at my last message. But he pulls out of the park & sits there for a little bit. I think he must have seen my car parked in the usual spot & he will pull back in or drive towards me just moving it to a different spot but he doesn’t. He drives right out of the carpark… WHAT THE ACTAL FACTUAL FUCK? I know things have been weird, he’s told me he doesn’t want to go back to how we were just fucking monthly with minimal communication. He’s said that he doesn’t want to piss me off or make me angry but he’s pulled away so much that I feel like I am bugging him, so I am pulling away, which makes him pull away, because of course Phoenix has to be the most angry & stubborn. But I didn’t expect to push him away so much he just fucking ignores me & goes home!!
I am shaking like a leaf, I am going to just go home, this is fucking wretched!! Fuck him. What a fucking prick. I think I might cry, but tears won’t come yet. Maybe on the drive home they will. I don’t see which direction he goes but I think fuck it, I am going to ring him. What the fuck is he doing?! I call & he answers with a hello pretty quickly. I ask if he forgot something & he says no. I tell him I am sitting at his work & just watched him drive off. I am surprised with how hard & fast my heart is beating, that my voice is so calm. I have never felt so awful with him, watching him just drive out without any regard for me. When he says that he’s heading to my house. I ask why, knowing that he only has a short time that he would know that I would meet him for car sex. He says that he didn’t know because I didn’t say anything, but neither did he. I want to believe him, but I bet he just fucking forgot or didn’t want to say no…. Fuck I feel like a fucking fool. What a tool… I just rocked up, doing what Phoenix normally does. He’d told me he finished at 12:30pm so I was just there waiting, urgh.
I didn’t see which way he drove off, but I do notice that he does come back as if he’d had headed to my house & not his… Maybe it was true. When he gets in the car I tell him that he’s lucky I called & didn’t send something bitchy, I tell him that I almost just went home. I guess I wouldn’t have been that far behind him I guess so we would have ended up at my house around the same time anyway so I would have calmed down when I saw him at my house. Or would I have seen him driving to my house & called him cos I saw him driving that way?
Anyway, we have a laugh about it. It feels so good to laugh. Fuck it feels so good to laugh with him… But this is what I mean about the communication dropping off. It’s not about the fact that he’s so busy & can’t message, it’s that during this affair V2.0, we have been so open & communicative that there hasn’t been any mix ups, obviously we’ve had fights cos & being we don’t see each other face to face often so our communication via text (even more so now that he’s my boyfriend) needs to be on point & without this fucking game playing, but this unavoidable, if he just fucking messaged me to communicate… He didn’t even say he was on his way…
I drive us to a spot we’ve been before, a dead end road that heads off into a couple of paddocks. I ask if he wants lunch or a fuck first & he says fuck. We get into the back seat & start kissing, I show him the panties I had made from Shien or Temu that have a picture of his face on them. He laughs & says that are so wrong. I laugh & ask why, I think they’re hot. He even asks where I got them from & keeps saying they are just wrong. He does laugh, but his reaction is not what I expected, I mean I knew he wouldn’t like his face on panties but this feels like he is annoyed or something that I did something like this… This is probably the first time I am genuinely embarrassed with him.
We fuck in the back of my car, hot, rough & steamy. I get so hot that I take my dress completely off & open up the sun roof. He ends up finishing on top of me, pounding harder when I ask him to fuck he hard & it makes him cum inside of me. As I am moving about the car & getting dressed again, his cum drips out & I am grateful for the leather seats. I make his lunch, which is a chicken strip & egg salad wrap, he says that they’re yummy & thanks me for bringing him food.
I drop him back at his car & he follows me out of the car park. I am not too far away from him when I see him calling me. Not his usual thing to randomly call me, especially less than two minutes from seeing me. He also doesn’t use his phone while driving because he only has one eye, so it’s weird, cos also it’s not easy to pocket dial on snapchat. I answer & he lets me know that I have only one brake light & no indicator light. I think that’s so fucking sweet that he’s bothered to call & not just text me when he got home – I try not to think it’s because he won’t text when he gets home! But he says that I should get it fixed because I drive so far to work now, that I could be defected. I pull over & check to make sure that my indicator is working but the brake light isn’t, so I will stop & get a bulb on the way home. He talks to me about crap to do with car lights until he gets home. While I’m pulled over, I send him a picture of my panties with his face on it & he still says that it’s so wrong.
He chats a lot the arvo, about me fixing the brake light & the fact that after seeing him I met dad to look at a caravan. I don’t think I have mentioned this, but I’ve been looking at buying caravan. My parents have decided since my sister bought a brand new caravan & they have theirs up & running that they would help me buy one because it cost so much when I got the cabin.
Anyway Phoenix gives me shit about it, “You got a caravan yet loser? 😜” but I fucking hate to admit this, given the state of our relationship, but every single one that I look at, I think about him & where his kids would sleep, as well as my dogs & now that my parents have said they will store it for me, I seem to be looking at slightly bigger ones & the bigger ones have a double bed & two single beds, perfect for his kids. I obviously don’t tell him this, ever, I just talk about the fact that he’s going to have to christen it with me. I say that I can bring it to our little dead end spot but he says that we could take it anywhere & my little heart tingles with the prospect that one day in the future we could use this together – that wasn’t his message, but my brain always goes to other places. I need to log off because I am really thinking about a future that will never happen, “Yep exactly. Go for a drive, pull over fuck & keep driving. Anyway, fuck buddy, you probably should go. Chat another time. Xxx.” Maybe today a rose petal was saved…
17 Augst 2025 – When I know his roster, I wake up, usually early because of the dogs, but of couse, I know he’s awake he started at 6:00am yesterday & 7:00am today – he gets up usually two hours before he starts work, but both days, I don’t get a message till an hour into his shift. I wake up, look at my watch & there is nothing from him day after day, that my heart sinks. I literally wake up thinking about him, it now takes him hours to think about me, after being offline since midday the day before. Or even after school drop off the day before.
He doesn’t get it & no matter how much we talk about it or I tell him how I feel, nothing changes, it just puts more of a wedge between us. Yes I am putting that wedge with saying goodbye as soon as I know he is home with his family, but I have only been doing that for a week, Phoenix has been driving me to this for over two months & we’ve only been in this A3v2.0 for less than six months.
Perhaps I am moody from the electrician, perhaps I have just let this build up so much that I knew I was going to snap & look crazy to everyone. But looking back I can see that this is a bit unhinged, but when you’re in it & you feel so fucking insignificant to the man that you give everything you can too, it’s hard not to be reactive but it’s like I finally get clarity & I see what he’s been doing for the last two to three months…
I could message first but you know what, he’s up way before me all the time & if I know he’s up & not messaged me, then it’s up to him to message me first, I obviously am not as important as he told me I was. One thing I am surprised about is that he never says that I could message him first… I mean I do, but I haven’t been up since 4:30am & at work since 6:00am. We caught up for lunch yesterday – I was in a mood & I was going to say something, but I didn’t. At almost 8:00am, he says “Good morning” I told you the nickname thing wouldn’t last, didn’t I? I had drafted a message ready to send when he finally logs on. I sit on it for an extra 30 minutes thinking I probably shouldn’t be like this, before I think fuck it, maybe me putting it out there will shake this up? I send my prepared message, “Morning. You’ve unofficially been doing it & I should’ve seen it earlier because it’s been perfectly obvious, I am more into this than you… So I didn’t want to believe it. I guess I’ll officially say it so I can stop thinking about you from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep, being sad when I know you’re awake & at work for hours but haven’t messaged me so I clearly am not in your thoughts like you are in mine – you are the only busy one in this relationship afterall. We can go back to how we were, seeing each other maybe once a month & just chatting when your busy life allows. I’m not an obligation, so you are free to do as you please. Message when you want/can, I’ll reply when I can. I will stop putting pressure on you to be more than just fuck buddies.”
It hurt to write & it hurts to send… & it hurts looking back that I said I was more into this than him – I regret saying that, his ego did not deserve it & I meant it, as in I was more commited to making an effort than he is. I have never expected much from him besides communication because we can’t be together or talk all the time, we need to communicate our availabilities – he said he wanted to talk more & proves to me every fucking day that I should have held back! Blaming me, in his usual narsicistic attitude that I am the one being pissy & crticising. I know he won’t fight for me, it’s not a test of ‘if you love them, set them free’ bullshit, this is genuinely me trying to let my head – then maybe one day, my heart, be free… “I dont want that. But I cant message you as much as you want me to, and really wish I could 😕” I read it & I don’t reply – what is there to say, besides something bitchy at this point… He doesn’t try to reach out to me again either, as predicted, he won’t fight to keep me in his life… I said message when you want/can, I will just leave the ball in his court.
Then just as suspected, I don’t get any other response from him all day or an attempt to call me at his break, nothing from him again. He won’t fight for this, I’m not playing Russian roulette, I am not doing it for a reaction from him, this is exactly the reaction I expected from him. I am doing it so I can be free, so I can move on. I have thought of this man as my boyfriend, my best friend & he has pulled away for months, only really giving me one or two months of true ‘missing me’ actions, the closer I got, the further he pushed me away with old & new excuses over & over – that he can’t talk to me all the time (I’ve never asked for that), that he is so busy (like I am not), that we talk on the phone more than we text now (agreed) & also that he falls asleep so early now as he’s an old man. (but he used to wake up to chat to me, now I’m not worth that!)
What he doesn’t get, is that this has nothing to do with him much time he spends messaging me. He shows me time & time again that he doesn’t care & that he has no intentions of even trying to factor me in a 24hr period anymore. What bothers me, is I am again the only one putting in effort. He won’t come to my work as I’ve said before, he obviously can’t just come to my house – I have to go to him. I drive 20 minutes for his 30 minute lunch break, take him a home made, heated up lunch that I make from scratch – when I don’t even cook for myself & then drive 20 minutes home – just so we have time together. I didn’t ask for V2.0. He asked for it, in fact he demanded it, he defined the terms & now he’s changed them & is surprised why I get upset when he treats me like an option.
So if you’re not on the same page as me & on the page with Phoenix, I’ll explain further, maybe repeating myself. I don’t expect & have never asked for him to talk to me all the time. I have asked him to communicate when he is going to go offline while mid conversation & he cannot do that, so I have been signing off when I finish work so I don’t spend my drive home, being pissed off knowing he is available to chat but doesn’t. It’s on me for getting annoyed that he doesn’t message when I know she is at work, but someone who has to literally leave my last message unread because he wanted to talk to me as much as possible but had to go quickly, doesn’t compute to me. If you really want to talk to me as long as you can, much to the detriment of a goodbye to me, he would come online when he wakes up – like he used too, not an hour into his fucking shift!!!
Fun fact: (as he says) The last time I said I love you was on 9 August 2025 thanking him for my birthday weekend, but I got a “love you too” the next day – only in response to me because he logged off so quickly the night before, not reading my messages. The last time he said he loves me without me saying it first was 18 June 2025, however he also called me crazy because I was pissed he’d been at work for a while & hadn’t messaged me all morning… Sound familiar?! What’s the worst part about this is that he said at the very start he only thought we should say it when we feel it… How dumb I’ve been to not notice that he’s no longer in love with me…
I can’t help but wonder, did he push me to go for this job, knowing that I had apprehension about it because it would take up more of my time, that it would be better for him because I wouldn’t be thinking about him as much? But no matter what I do, I am always available or make myself available because I know that his time is limited. So in this new job, that will be no different, I make time for him. I always do. I am a sucker.
I have never asked for more than better communication. I have never asked for him to leave, I have never asked for his undivided attention – besides jokingly on a call because he is always fucking making so much noise & then mumbles into the phone so he has to repeat himself ten times. I just don’t believe he has to be offline for 23 hours now, when he didn’t have too before, but I have stopped letting that bother me. I have never asked him to spend money on me, in fact when he does, I feel weird about it because not only does he tell me how much everything costs, he reminds me often & always says they have no money, despite having a quarter of my mortgages & two incomes. Should I start mentioning how much each meal costs that I make him – including a drink & snacks plus my petrol & wear & tear on the car?! All I have ever asked for is better communication. I have even told him because we don’t get to see each other that often we need to communication better, our fights go on for a week because we don’t get to resolve it. I am done with it.
On this day – I take myself to a jewellery store having seen a ring I would have wanted as my engagement ring, which on a super special, still close to $1000 but super reduced. I buy it. I don’t over think it. I want it. I always wanted a ring on my finger, more than a wedding. I wanted to look at my finger & know I was chosen. I plan to wear it on my ring finger. Trying it on, alone, on that finger, the woman at the store is wonderful but later asks what’s the occasion, I simply said ‘I’m not getting married, so it’s my engagement ring to myself.’ Phoenix has given me a bracelet with love on it, saying that he wants me to look at it & it remind me of his love for me. I look at it & I don’t feel loved. I look at it & I feel like he bought a piece of jewellery for our anniversary while buying his wife jewellery for her birthday too – which he says he got her a massage voucher but who knows what is true. He proved to me on my birthday by defending her & getting so pissed off that he loves her. So this bracelet is not special like I thought it was. I am not special to him. He thinks he’s not special to me because I had sex with someone in a public toilet. I’ve never been special to him. I’m not the first person he ever loved. I’m not a person he bought a house with. I’m not a person he proposed too. I’m not the person he married. I’m not the one he had kids with. I’m not the one he has pets with. I’m not the one he’s even spent a night with. I’m just a criticising bitch on the other end of snapchat. I am not special in anyway to him… This ring will be. Just like my pawprint tattoo on my wedding ring finger. This has made me happier with no tears that you ever can imagine. It’s a pity I can’t really afford a fucking ring now & because I needed a ‘teeny tiny’ size according to the sales lady, I have to wait four weeks before I get it. But I cannot wait for the reminder that ‘I can buy myself flowers, Write my name in the sand, Talk to myself for hours, Say things you don’t understand, I can take myself dancing, And I can hold my own hand, Yeah, I can love me better than you can.’ Yeah Miley, I’ve been doing it for 20 years… What’s another 20 years?!
18 August 2025 – As suspected, not a message, not a call, he’s not even showing up on my maps – not that he has been showing up recently anyway. 175 days since A3v2.0 started, it’s the first day that we don’t speak at all. Snapchat makes fun of me by sending ‘YOUR 136-DAY SNAPSTREAK ENDED.’ I don’t know if he worked today, she normally works late today but she didn’t the other day so I don’t know if she’s at work or not. I am so sad. So incredibly sad that he never fights for me. I did not do this to see if he would fight for me, I already knew his reaction would be to guard himself & not speak to me – I don’t know what from because he’s got a whole other life so if I don’t message him, clearly it doesn’t matter to him & he’s shown me over the years that he can go weeks without messaging me & it doesn’t affect him.
I consider sending him an email explaining how I feel. But I’ve told him countless times, he just thinks it’s because he doesn’t message me enough. No it’s about feeling wanted & that he does actually think about me. I wake up, looking at my watch for a message from him, knowing he has been up for hours & I have nothing. He has no fucking idea what that feels like because I always write back almost instantly, like a fucking fool.
Going back to chatting sporadically & seeing each other once a month will help me regain some of my dignity again… I am the only one putting in effort – he will say he is, but even at work now, he’s SOOOOOO busy because they are cutting costs that he doesn’t message me that much. He doesn’t come any further than my house anymore & when he did come to work when I worked closer, he’d tell me about 400 times how much it cost or his car isn’t registered or some other bullshit that just made me feel bad about coming to meet me for lunch.
19 August 2025 – I cave & message, “I really miss talking with you… 🥺”. I hate myself instantly for the fact that he doesn’t write back & that he seemingly hasn’t even downloaded snapchat onto his phone today… But when he does write back, he says, “I thought you didnt want to talk because all it does is make you angry when you cant talk to me.” I say that I didn’t say I never wanted to talk again, he says that we are still talking. Then he calls me. I don’t know what we talk about, but I know that he would feel attacked as he’s told me he feels criticised by me & I tell him that I feel invisible… So what do we do here?! He says multiple times that he doesn’t want to go back to how we were, only chatting sporadically & catching up monthly, I am reassured by this revelation that he really wants to put in effort… I hope it’s true & I want to stop being so moody about how little regard he has for my feelings.
When we get off the phone, he senses that he should messages first, “I just hate fuckin you off all the time 😕” I hate it too… “Well from now on, I’ll just respond to messages, I won’t initiate anything or expect anything. You can message when you’re awake enough or not sleepy. You can go 24 hours. You can 48 hours. Whatever. You’re in charge, as you always have been If you ever want to catch up, again, let me know.” & he does his signature move, “Ahh okay well I will message you when I can. Chat again soon x, going off-line for the day.”
12 August 2025 – He asks how our snap streak ended but to be perfect honest, I thought it should have ended sooner, he hasn’t sent anything since Friday & I thought you both had to send something in a 24 hour period for it to go up. I say that we may as well let it expire because when he goes to Japan, he won’t be sending me snaps then. He says “I might ! You never know.” Um, yeah I do… “You can’t even message me while you wife is in the shower & you’re in a 3bed house with a back & front yard to hide in…You think you’re going to message while sharing a tiny hotel room??” When he says “I would make some time.” I literally laugh out loud & text back that I won’t hold my breath. Is he fucking joking?? He is such a bullshiter.
We chat on the phone for his break & then text a little about my work. I am feeling spontaneous – if that’s the right word, so I call him on my way home but he doesn’t answer, he texts & asks if I meant to call him & I say yes, he says “Haha why. Im picking my kids up.” Don’t they always catch the bus & don’t get home for another 20 minutes?! I say don’t worry & goodnight. He says, “Goodnight sweet pea. 🫛” & then sends me a picture of leek & potatoes soup for dinner. I don’t write back, even though I want to ask for him to save me a serve, he wouldn’t have anyway, even if I did ask… The time for sweet pea is over…
13 August 2025 – This morning he sends, “Good morning beautiful.” To which I ask why he is sucking up… Sweet Pea last night & beautiful this morning but it does lighten my mood – if only he would see simple things like that help… We call for my break today as he’s finished work & his shopping apparently because I whinge when he talks to the checkout people.
He sends me a picture of his bubble-gum ice cream with nerds & fruit tingles that he made with his ice cream maker thing, I ask if he can be my daddy, he says you just want ice cream, which I don’t see what the problem with that is. He asks what flavour I want & I say Biscoff.
I find an article that is totally us when I read it, & I say that we do all six things.
He takes ages to reply to the article, it’s not that long so he’s not off reading it, so I say goodnight. “I will make you a biscoff one, one day! Oh we have steamy sex 😜Good night my cupcake.” Not sure what is with all the nicknames that make me smile. Spoiler alert, I never get any biscoff ice cream! Not even a taste of one of the flavours he made for the kids!
14 August 2025 – Today’s hello is “Good morning sexy pants.” Which makes me smile too, he has today off so he’s on his bike, when he mentions something about a store he used to work at, because it’s a technology store, I innocently ask why he quit there. I am at work, so I don’t look at my phone – I won’t copy & paste his whole reply because it’s very telling of where he worked but I get 834 words of a reply… Telling me about that work, the work I met him at & the current work & how he ha been bullied & treated like shit despite being a good worker. I mean, I know what that feels like! I apologise for triggering him…
He says that he put snap on his computer today – um, you don’t need to put it on your computer, you just go the website but whatever. He calls me for lunch & we talk about the fact that no matter what he does he can’t win with me, it’s not a fight – it’s something I have been reflecting on. So when we get off the phone I say, “So I know how you can win with me… You remember on Saturday at my house you were sitting in bed, crossed legged, hands neatly in your lap…” & he says how, I say “Just answer me, do you remember sitting like that?” & he says yes, so as I giggle, I say, “To win with me… Sit like that, while on the phone with me 😋 Because you are sitting still & quiet…” He says that he came a few times so he was relaxed, so I tell him to jerk off before he calls me. We laugh as he says he’s like that all the time… Which I know… This jerking off talk gets us onto our mutual masturbation then onto the fight & how he look disinterested when I was rubbing my cunt on his dick, he says he would have backed down, but I don’t think he would have. He never backs down – just read this fucking blog!! “Not going into it now, I’m about to go home & say goodnight. Night have a good evening. Have a good day off tomorrow with your wife sitting right next to you ALL day!. Chat sat.” I give him an out for tomorrow… I won’t mesaage him to chat, unless he does. He says, “Goodnight honey pot xx.”
15 August 2025 – Today’s conversation is just as expected “Good morning. Well not next tto me. But not far!” So I just say “Morning. Have a good day, chat tomorrow!” He won’t read that so I don’t know what I bothered, but he sends me meme which says ‘When she asks me why I never let her see my dick when it’s soft – I’m afraid, all right?’ & he says “You never know” You never know what?! That he’ll chat or show me his dick soft?! I send a snap of me at lunch, missing his call & I say I braved the weather for a walk still. No reply.
16 August 2025 – I know he’s at work, he didn’t give me his roster but he’s told me that this weekend, he starts at 6:00am on Saturday & 7:00am on Sunday. I don’t get a hello from him until well into his shift, he will argue it wasn’t that long but I know he was up at least an hour or more before his shift, it was after 6:30am when he finally remembered me & he hasn’t even bothered to say hello? Am I being the dramatic one?
It’s been a week since we saw each other, I work in the city one day a week now, so it’s not quite as far as the usual office. & his dentist is in the city – which he had cancelled his check up a while ago because I worked from home at my old job – so he could come to the city. But we still have fight about him coming to see me at my work for a change. I know I had said I didn’t want him to come to my work anymore when I was in my old job which was close. But I also don’t want to be the only one keeping up with these lunch break dates that HE FUCKING STARTED!!!
Again he says today that the store manager has cut hours so Saturdays are really busy so he can’t chat much, I say that I hope it gets better. Hours later he says he’ll be on a break soon, I say ok. I have heated up lunch, added salt & pepper, packed a drink & snacks & am on my way. Like an absolute fucking twat.
I pull into his work & where his car usually is – something I always look out for, not sure why but I usually notice that it’s there, always parked in the same spot, close to the intersection, my belief is so that she can see it because he’s told me she drives past every day after getting her coffee, so she must have said something to him to make him park there every time. But his car isn’t there today, it’s her car. Her bright blue car sitting in his spot. Why the fuck does that piss me off so much? It will 100% not mean anything to him besides her car was behind his & he’s not working late so she won’t need it, but to me it’s a clear sign that he wants to remind me that he is married & not leaving her, knowing I would be coming to his work today… I am already in a bad mood, I have driven all this way with fucking lunch for someone that clearly isn’t interested in me anymore & making that perfectly clear, but am I just too dumb to notice! Or just too dumb to want it to end that I am hanging on the scrap of time he now offers me. To top it off, I am in a foul mood, because my tenant has said there is an electrical problem at my unit, the electrician that I called this morning have told me that it’ll be a $400 call out fee for a Saturday, plus parts & time to fix it… FFS.
He writes to me as I am parking “I take it you don’t want to see me today.” but I tell him that I am already there & I have food, he says ‘oh really’, which he can see on snap maps, so he comes out to my car. I wish I had a poker face but I am so fucking annoyed. Annoyed at how he’s treating me, annoyed at the cost of the electrician, annoyed he has her car at work, knowing I was coming to see him today – it’s like he just wants to rub her in my face to get me to end it. I am well aware of the situation every time I look at the two rings on his fingers. One his wedding ring & one some other ring that appeared about a year or so ago, assuming a Christmas present in 2023. He did use to wear some leather bracelet thing, I noticed that one day we broke it during sex, which I assume was from her too. But anyway, he doesn’t need to rub in my face he’s with her. That he’s driving her car. I am very well aware of this situation & how fucked it is for me. I wish I had that awareness from him.
One thing I hate the most is that I get such limited time with Phoenix & I am so pissed about something that shouldn’t upset me that much. This electrician shit is in my head. In the end – one calls me when I am with Phoenix to tell me that they aren’t even going to go out today. Dad & I end up going to the unit & fix it for $15, so I am a bit happier, but I haven’t had a message from Phoenix since I left him, he knew I was shitty & did nothing to make it better or reassure me that I am just being a fuckwit, so I say goodnight at 11:15am, it’s not like he wants to make a fucking effort now anyway, so if I say goodbye first then I can be the one that controls the conversation, take back the little control I have. He replies, “Ahh okay. Hope you sorted a electrician. Chat again soon!” & he sends a picture at 12:00pm, of new headphones he’s bought for our daily phone calls. “Hopefully I sound better on these!”
I don’t respond, he’s offline anyway, what’s the point. He will never understand the message sitting there unread for hours, days or weeks even like he’s done to me. He wouldn’t put up with it, if the roles were reversed here, he would be onto the next thing, he wouldn’t wait around for me. I mean when I get angry, he has to be more angry… Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried that. I’ve tried that so many times to move on, but obviously it never worked. But with his lack of empathy & compassion, he would literally move on without a care in the world for me. Yet here I am, always waiting. For eight years I have waited for a snippet of his time.
You know, he calls himself my boyfriend, well in actual fact he never really said it on the first place & he barely ever says the boyfriend/girlfriend words anymore or if he does it’s so rare I don’t recall him saying it – lets not even mention the word love, that’s non existent now. So maybe it’s me, I say the word boyfriend too much to him? I tell him I love him way more than he ever tells me now, which is hard for me to say being that I haven’t ever said it to anyone before, especially when it’s now never said to me in any other way but a response to me saying it first. Why is it so hard to end this, for either of us? He’s checked out & destroying what friendship we have & it’s almost like I need the friendship to be so destroyed that it unrepairable, so I can walk away…
09 August 2025 – I need to break this mood, it’s my bloody birthday weekend… It’s around 10:00am, that I say that I am hungry so we need to work out what we are doing today. It’s supposed to rain & every picnic we’ve tried to do has ended up with rain. So he says that he’s happy to just chill at home today, which I am torn by because I want a date with him, but I also want to just relax with him too. But I want to go out because we never do that & I don’t want to remember what we just did in my room… We never have enough time to do everything I want to do, I go to the kitchen, leaving the mood in my room & start by making up a little platter of all the food, I’m not sure if it’s because it’s at my house but he barely helps with the food, mainly wandering around & eating as I cut things up. Phoenix has defrosted from his pissed off mood a little as he eats, maybe he was just hangry, he touches me from behind a lot as I am cutting things up. I have said earlier that we could have a bath together, so while we are making the platter, he says that we can have a bath, with a cheeky little smirk.
He takes the platter into my bedroom for a bed picnic, sitting on the bed we eat, we chat – keeping the conversation light, there is a tension in the air…We watch an episode of ‘And Just Like That’ then we watch an episode of ‘Rick & Morty’ when he puts the food on the bedside table & we lay down to cuddle. Into the second episode of Rick & Morty, we start kissing, leaning in closer to each other, I have been tickling his balls the whole episode, but he isn’t hard. With some kissing & touching he gets harder & I say that we should do mutual masturbation – he hates me saying the word masturbation & I hate it too, but it’s become a little joke, but when he says that we should do it sometime, I say what about right now. We sit up both stripping naked, while he straddles my legs, I start by rubbing my clit & grabbing one boob, he jerks his cock slowly & grabs my other tit, both of us turning each other on with our words about how sexy this is, we both start going faster & faster & building to an orgasm, he cums all over my stomach, when he sees that I have cum, then we fall in a heap together. We’ve jerked off before with each other, but this was a bit different, this was purely just watching each other pleasure ourselves. It was super sexy & I wanted him to fuck me so badly, I wanted his cock inside me, I even say I do, but fuck that’s fun!
Around 12:00pm, I suggest the bath again, a nice chilled relaxed day with Phoenix. I know he hates baths, first he hates his dick out when it’s soft – but he did say ages ago that I am his girlfriend now & I should see it soft… He hates how fat he thinks he is & he gets bored with ADHD that he doesn’t like just sitting around, but he has a bath with me, we’re not in there long because as soon as I notice how gross the water is, our skin floating around was more than I’ve seen before & it was getting cold, that I put him out of his misery & get out of the bath.
We lay in bed again for a while, talking & cuddling – not fighting about bullshit for a change… But then he starts making pack up noises, getting dressed & telling me he has to go soon, that I start to get sad. This part is always the worst for me, I hate it. I just want him to stay & stay with me for a lot longer. It’s also just after 1:00pm – didn’t he say he put his shift down to 2:00pm?! But he says that he’s worried he’ll get stuck in traffic & that his wife is finishes work at 3:00pm so he can’t be gone too long. I understand, I just hate it. I see him putting on his work uniform & he throws his jumper in my pile of clothes on my chairrobe, that makes me smile but I don’t say anything to him. Ironically though, in the whole time I’ve known him, over eight years now, his wife has worked every second weekend & has always finished at 5:00pm… Literally every single weekend that’s she’s worked… But today she finishes at 3:00pm? Okay, sure… If she stalked me she would have found out my birthday & women remember dates so perhaps she knows it’s my birthday & wants to be home early – I mean I know when her birthday is?! But I am more certain that he is lying about this because he wouldn’t have put a shift down till 2:00pm if she finished at 3:00pm, he wouldn’t have ever cut it this fine, so I don’t believe this at all… But I let him go at 1:30pm, I send him a picture of my flowers & a picture of him in the bath with me, but he says that he looks fat, he doesn’t but that’s his view because the water distorts his body shape. He is wrapping up the day, “Hope our chill day was alright!” I say, “I loved it. I love dates with you but I love just talking & fucking & hanging out… That’s like the first time we’ve got watched proper TV together… Thank you for my flowers & our bed picnic. & making the effort yesterday to talk & message me…” He says that there’s no need to thank him & he goes offline with three xxx – only because I sent them to him first…
10 August 2025 – I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, but I can’t shake the feeling that yesterday might have been our last real date, instead of feeling close like I usually do after a full day date with him, I am left with the feeling that was strained & hollow. It scares me how quickly something that once felt warm & effortless can suddenly feel like it’s slipping through my fingers.
He sets up another excuse for work, saying his managers have cut back staff to save money, so now that LMA isn’t there, he doesn’t have time to chat because they’re cutting hours. I try hard to get the connection back, I ask if he wants me to bring him the lasagna on his break or see him after work for a little longer, but he says that he’ll be on his break soon, so I guess he only wants to see me for his break. I pack up some of the lasagna (warmed) & take it to his work. I used to say that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, he always says that I had his heart ages ago but this lasagna needs to be magical because I am losing him… But I ask for a friend, can you lose what you never had?!
After I get home for seeing for lunch, after he finishes work & I ask if he is doing something fun in the sun with the kids, because it sucks that today it’s sunny but yesterday was raining when we’d planned a picnic… He says that they are playing on tech as he has too much housework to do… He always has to go from my house to spend time with the kids & when he has a sunny day to do something, he has housework? I mean he can do housework anytime… We talk about me cleaning my spare room & scrubbing the bathroom & cleaning the blind in there.
Sunday night it’s getting closer & closer to 5:30pm but Phoenix is still talking, it’s about 5:45pm when he says goodnight to me, but he’s working all day tomorrow so will be able to chat. I have had a good birthday weekend with him & try again for some connections, he’s not very loving at all these days but he says that feeds off my energy, so I try giving some positive energy, “No worries . Thanks for this weekend. I love you. Xxx.” No response. He doesn’t even read it. FUCK. So I I write “Yeah rightio then. 🖕🏻” How many fucking times can I tell this fuckwit what a fucking fool I feel like when he fucking does that?!!?!>!?!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck I hate him sometimes, he just does not give a flying fuck about how I feel, no matter how many times I tell him.
I start to think, maybe I’m not losing him, because as I asked, you can’t lose what you never had right… Or is it that I am just losing my tolerance for his bullshit excuses & so I am checking out? I read once that man check out of relationships emotionally & women try to fix it, before realising that there is no point & they end it… Is that what’s happened here? He’s checked out because it’s just too hard to please two women emotionally & I am so deeply invested now, wanting to keep at least a part of our friendship alive that I have been hanging on to a fantasy…
11 August 2025 – Of course he says that he’s sorry he had to go quick. I just don’t believe that he had to delete the app that fucking quick, does she walk in the door, sit on his lap, looking at his phone for the rest of the night? In my experience of watching other people in relationships, they are all on their phones all fucking night so I don’t believe that he has to go so suddenly that he cannot wait to see my reply. I get that he cheated & she knows he cheated through his phone & she checks his phone, but the instant log off is just beyond the pale.
He has said that he doesn’t say good bye so he can talk to me as much as he can, but in all honesty, he is so sporadic after the kids get home from school now, that I am done being the fuckwit fool waiting around. Months ago, I told him that perhaps we shouldn’t talk after work, I used to finish at 4:00pm, I now finish at 3:30pm. But he said he didn’t want that, so I kept talking after work & I have felt like a fucking fool time & time again, when he would log off saying he thought that’s what I wanted… I am done with it. So I start saying goodbye as I leave work at 3:30pm & I refuse to write to him after that. I am also going to do that on weekends that he is home with even just the kids. I am no longer going to be the time filler, I am the main event or I am not part of his day.
Even his phone calls – he just says I’m whinging, but our phone calls during work are limited to 30 mins (if that!) because he usually makes his lunch then calls me, so we’re lucky if we talk for 20 minutes these days. After work he might call me while driving & all I can hear is his car in the background, I barely can hear him talk. He’ll go shopping then talk to the shop keepers, fine I get that he has to do things & am thankful that he calls me, but he literally gives me 20 minutes a day now, that is all & it can’t even be undivided?! Am I asking too much? Maybe… I don’t know. I don’t think so.
We hardly text these days because he doesn’t text at work as much – saying how busy it is now because the other store closed (remember it closed in March!), he doesn’t text around his wife or LMA, he hardly texts around the kids anymore because they require significant help showering & can read his messages – like sure. He says that our relationship has evolved to face to face & the phone calls. However with this new job, we now don’t see each other face to face unless I go see him at lunch at his work – which he doesn’t like asking me to go, so that’s even dropping off. He won’t come to mine now, it’ll be a 1.5 hour one way trip to my work for him.
He never asks why I say goodbye at 3:30pm & he never tries to continue the conversation after I’ve said goodnight, the one time I did say something after I said goodbye & he said his goodbye, he didn’t read it till the next morning anyway, so assuming as soon as he’s said goodbye, even though he doesn’t have to go, I realise that he deletes the app immediately.
So my decision to pull back, doesn’t phase him, he doesn’t care – he’s check out & basically waiting for the day I just snap & end it. He says that he thinks about me all the time but I was thinking about it the other day – Fridays she’s off work & he seemingly has every Friday off, so he doesn’t chat. That’s fine, whatever. I get radio silence because apparently he can’t message around her. I also know she gets lashes done now which take at least an hour every 2-3 weeks which she books on Friday, so he’s a fucking liar, I don’t believe him when he says that he can’t message me on Fridays at all, all of a sudden. He is just choosing not too. You know what hurts more, the realisation that he’s now telling me, a new excuse, by saying it’s hard to log back on, he has to download the app, do two factor authentication with a random email account, message me then delete the app. All that excuse says to me is, you are not worth it #IBD4U…
I have been noticing the shift since late May early that he’s complacent, he said to me once that there is always an end of honeymoon period – but this is from a man who started A3v2.0 because he felt after reading my blog – particularly Marvel #15 – my final Marvel post, which I say that I will always leave a light on for him, that he realised I loved him still… But he really wonders why I said in the last phone call that I love him more than he loves me & the answer is very clear. He read that post, changed the dynamic then pulled away – time after time, saying it wasn’t meant to be what it was. The fucking worst part about that, is that he couldn’t do that without my permission. I allow him to pull me close when it suits him & push me away when it suits him too. I fucking allow it.
Today I get another new excuse, his headphones have died so his manager played his music through the store speakers this morning, so he couldn’t play with his phone. I don’t try to message, I don’t send a picture, I don’t put in any effort. He’s checked out. I need to too. I missed his breaks being in meetings in the office I work at in the city, he does call me before the kids get home but he mainly talks about his headphones the whole time & messages afterwards about his headphones that he’s going to get. I say “Good idea. Night.” & he says “Ahh okay Good night then…”
The last notification I get is, ‘YOUR 132-DAY SNAPSTREAK ENDED.’
09 August 2025 – I have no idea what time he is planning to come today, he’s said that he wrote that he starts at 6:00am, but then says he’ll write 7:00am. So I have no clue what time he is planning, because I did go out with my family, I had a few wines, nothing major but I don’t drink a lot anymore because I wake up with revolting cotton mouth, so bad that I can barely close my mouth, like there is no saliva left in my body or something. So I get up, use some dry mouth mouthwash, go to the toilet, let the dogs out for the toilet & go back to sleep for a little bit, but I have basically been awake since around 4:00am waiting for a message from him.
I never get a message from him this morning as predicted, he just rocks up just after 7:00am, using his key to come in. I am still in bed because of course I have no idea of his plans, he walks in & I hear him go into the kitchen, doing something that I can’t make out as I have the kitchen door shut. He comes into my room, he gets into bed with me & says happy birthday as we snuggle. We kiss & cuddle, before we have sex within a few minutes of him being there, he goes down on me which he won’t believe me, so I don’t tell him but this is the best head of my life – I’m sure my blog has helped him because he still is obsessed with Crows being the best – Phoenix never understands that our connection & love, makes things so much better than anything I have ever had. He had admitted that he hadn’t done it much & has never done it to his wife so he was good at it, but after reading Crows, he is much better & tries a lot harder. But it’s 100% the best head of my life today. Paired with the fact we always have amazing sex, the most connected I have ever been with someone – no one compares in my eyes, no matter what I ever said in my blog.
After we have sex, I get up to feed the dogs, I notice flowers on the entry bench at the door but I try not to look at them, ignoring them to feed the dogs. He walks in & says ‘I got you flowers’, dumping them on the table, not actually giving them to me, then walks off. I finish feeding the dogs & pick them up, they are stunning coloured roses that I start to put in water, noticing that they were $50 – I don’t say anything but he comes back & notices the price tag & quickly rips it off, he comes back in with a packet of my favourite Oreos which have been deleted – the double stuffed Cinnamon bun, & he dumps them on the bench, not giving them too me either, but we kiss because I initiate it & I say thank you for the thoughtful gifts. He’s also done a click & collect this morning to pick up picnic food – I did wonder how he was going to organise the picnic, I guess that’s how!
While I love the flowers & the oreos – which are definitely enough for a gift, as I wasn’t even sure if he would get me anything at all, so I am a very happy girl, I am slightly disappointed that it’s nothing I can keep. I don’t expect jewellery for every gift, though I wouldn’t complain hahaha, the flowers will die & I’ll eat the oreos then have nothing to show for my first birthday with him as my bona fide boyfriend… Even a card would have been enough to make the gift sentimental… We’ll eat all the picnic stuff & then there will be nothing to show for my birthday. But I can’t tell you how fucking happy I am he’s even organised anything at all, this is so special to me…
We go back to bed & lay down, the dogs are loose so they jump up on the bed as we are lying there, my boy literally is pushing himself between Phoenix & I with his full body length pushing us apart. I laugh at how hilarious my boy dog is, he has literally imprinted on me so much that he gets so jealous – he’s not had a dude to fight for my attention before, so it’s hilarious how he squeezed between Phoenix & I. My girl decides to cuddle up to Phoenix – she loves men & if I had a live in partner, she would 100% turn into his dog… Though I know Phoenix doesn’t feel the same about her, he’s made it clear he doesn’t like my dogs. I take a photo of his legs with the dogs snuggled up next to him… We just lay there chatting & deciding what to do, it isn’t even 8:00am yet. He brings up my blog, which he is reading/listening too with google translate or whatever, so he brings it up again when we get into a semi sort of argument, which lasts pretty much the whole time we’re together & taints the whole day.
If you remember back to Silverlining #17 he tells me that his wife, the technology noob, hacked Facebook with a ‘trick’ to see all my pictures – here is a little bit from that post that’s important to today’s argument:
“When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit!”
So today he is discussing his wife’s Facebook trick & the beauty chick in my street. Phoenix has told me before that his wife was going to this woman in my street for discounted beauty treatments – he always says lashes but then says beauty stuff so I never know what she actually had done. I didn’t know at the time though – when I was fucking distraught & devastated, that Phoenix was fucking driving her to these appointments because she would have a panic attack coming to my street – what fucking bollocks! I’ve talked about this before in my blog when we texted about it but upon reflection during this conversation, I have more to add… I can assure you, no discounted beauty treatment is worth having a real panic attack…. She played him, this actress doesn’t fool me, I’ve had panic attacks, I have medication for panic attacks, they are debilitating. Apparently, she does too, so it’s fucking bullshit she had a real panic attack coming to my street for a cheap beauty treatment. She faked a ‘panic attack’ to make him drive her here, in hopes they would see me, even if it was for a split-second driving past each other, so that she could rub it in my face that they are still together & I was just a play thing as she told me I was. She’s a fucking master! I take my hat off to her…
He’s told me recently that she would post pictures of them together in the hopes that I would see them on Facebook & that she only married him to get back at me, so this confirms that it was 100% just another game she played at an attempt to get back at me, & he was a fucking compliant player… He’s a fuckwit if he really believes that she did that for any other reason but to hopefully see me & piss me off. But the hardest part of having a conversation about her & what makes me the most melancholy, especially on my birthday weekend, is listening to him defending her when I say it’s bullshit that she had a genuine panic attack. He kept saying that he saw how much it affected her, watching her almost vomiting in the car… It hurts hearing him defend her, when I know for a fact he didn’t defend me to her, allowing her to look me up daily & just said ‘I cheated, what can I do?’ but also he never defended me with Cowboys Mistress either, letting her make a fool out of me publicly. I retreat & don’t want to talk, if he really believes she had a panic attack & was genuine, it really hurts me… It’s shows me – & rubs in my face, that he loves her – in whatever way that may be, but he does loves her.
So another angle on this, I have a lash client let’s call her Misty, who has recently started reading my blog, she started at the start & now follows along, then we debrief at her appointments. We have similar personalities & have both been single most of our adult lives. So she read about the beauty treatment bullshit last time I wrote about it & she was like ‘yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that!’ When Misty asks if his wife was getting her lashes done, I say that I am not entirely sure what beauty she had done, but Misty makes a fucking good point that I didn’t think of, she says that she wouldn’t want to bring her partner anywhere near his ex-mistresses house, especially while she is inside on a table with her eyes taped shut for an hour or more…!! Misty said she’d be worried about him walking up to my house, putting something in my letter box or even coming over here to fuck me again… Even if he didn’t stay parked in the street & he went to the shops or something, Misty said she’d be worried that he was actually seeing me, being that it’s so close to my house… FUCK I never ever thought of that point of view… I have said that if he was my partner who had a mistress behind my back, I would never want to bring her up because I wouldn’t want to remind him what he is missing – especially after finding out he was in love with her. So this is the same & surprises me I didn’t think of it, but I wouldn’t want to bring him to the street & remind him of the mistress that he loved… But we all know that she apparently brings me up – to this very day & recently in front of the kids… She punishes him & he takes it & says ‘well I did cheat’ like that’s a reason to be treated that way. Either get over it or break up, don’t keep rubbing it in his face!
So anyway this beauty woman who lives a few doors down supposedly knew all this stuff about my sex life, Phoenix still, as he did back then denied knowing how, originally blaming Sweetie for it. Phoenix now reveals that his wife doesn’t know my beauty business name & only found one photo of me back when she was hacking Mark Zuckerberg daily. One. WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK. Phoenix was very clear & adamant via text & every time we talked about it back then, that his wife was looking at ALL my photos & that he saw them also, that she saw posts on my private page about Papa Roach, now all of a sudden – maybe because he’s read it in my blog & realises how fucking stupid he sounds telling me she hacked Facebook but can’t find a group on the chat app when there is a button that says ‘group’, that he admits that it’s just one picture that she found. So not a trick at all, it actually was a work picture on a work Facebook page that was already over four years old when she would have found it.
He had also said she became obsessed with me & she knew about my beauty business because she text him when she found out ‘your girlfriend has a beauty business’, yet she doesn’t know what I called my business? Are you serious mate?! What a crock of shit!! You are cooked!!! You all know I am not much of a stalker, but I have stalked & know women who do the deep dive. If this woman was so obsessed, hacking Facebook – but not actually hacking Facebook, just finding a page my photo happened to be on & looking at it daily, as if it might change then she would sure as shit know what my business is called! & I am still convinced she was involved – if it was her or a friend, in a fake booking, wasting heaps of my time when I first opened…
This story never added up when he told me many years ago & sure as shit doesn’t add up now! I just don’t believe it. What woman with a cheating husband, who apparently told everyone he cheated & about me, goes to a friend’s beauty business in the same street, they talk about my sex life but doesn’t ask the friend how they know about my sex life? The first question from anyone would be ‘how do you know that?’ but apparently Phoenix’s wife never asks that even though she’s voracious for information about me? It just doesn’t add up, I’m sorry but I just don’t believe it, she was calling his bluff by talking about my sex life, trying to get a reaction from him or she had someone catfish me (or she did it) on a dating app to get information from me. Maybe Crows wasn’t as loyal to me with her as I thought he was?! Because if the beauty woman knew about the blog – which is Phoenix’s theory, she would have told Phoenix’s wife about it, especially if it’s about her husband! Even now writing this I am getting so worked up at how bullshit this is…
So this was happening six years ago she was able to look at all my pictures & see my broken heart post, now he tells me it was actually just one photo & this beauty women told her she knew all about my sex life but didn’t tell her the source of how she knew about it? Remember at this time, in 2019, I had only about ten blog posts which were all posted in 2016 & I didn’t start posting on a regular basis until well after the end of affair one & if you look at those earlier posts, they aren’t as graphic as the later ones. Plus the Noodle story didn’t start getting posted till almost when we were in the Silverlining era!
Phoenix cracks the shits at me because I don’t believe him, it’s not that I don’t believe what he thinks or what he was told to be true, it’s that I don’t believe the bullshit she’s told him. He bought a house, had kids & married her I guess & he says he loves her so he believes what she says, she is the mother of his children, after all. I’m just the skanky mistress. But I don’t believe a word of it. She was probing him or baiting him by saying that someone knew a lot about my sex life & wanting a reaction, I don’t think she knows anything at all… Phoenix rolls over & won’t give me anything, saying that I don’t believe him, I explain I don’t believe the story but he is being stubborn & won’t turn back over to talk to me. I remind him it’s my birthday & I spend a good ten minutes working hard to get him to relax about something he brought up – lets not forget that, we’ve had a text fight about this recently too. When I finally get him to turn back over, I am so fucking pissed off this is how my birthday is going so I straddle him & start gyrating my hips over his dick which is in his boxers. I dry hump him for ages & kiss him, just sliding my cunt up & down his dick, I take his dick out his boxers as it gets harder. But his face is stone cold. He is not going to let up on this. I am in my oodie just sliding my wet cunt up & down along his now naked cock, I can’t keep looking at his face, it’s so angry, that I lean down, putting my face in his shoulder nook but keep going until I alert him that I am going to cum, that’s when his hands get a little handsy on my ass & waist, I cum against his cock & roll off him. Honestly, this is the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had with Phoenix, because it was the first time ever that it was cold, distant, disconnected, completely out of sync & it’s mirrored the way I’ve felt for the last two months when we’re not together, invisible, unimportant & more like an obligation than someone he truly missed & wants to be with…
06 August 2025 – I asked late last night & we talked about it on the phone yesterday about the internet to my house, they have upgraded it but I still have to do something with the provider to upgrade the speed to my house. But the geek conversation gets him chatting & giving me advice about what to do & keeps the conversation light… I guess this is what I have to do now, is not show my feelings when he treats me like an option because it pushes him away more… Another thing that keeps him chatting is talking about fisting. He asks if I really want him to do it, I mean I don’t know what pleasure it’ll be for me, but if he wants to try I am open to it. As always sex sells because he talks to be consistently today without having a fight even when we tread into dangerous territory about fantasies & how much I did everything he ever wanted, I wait for the public toilet to come up but it doesn’t. But after a couple of phone calls today we end up in a fight about the fact I didn’t use condoms with some men, really quickly & apparently Phoenix seemed to think he was the only one I didn’t fuck with a condom… I don’t know where he gets these fucking ‘special’ things from. I never once said anything about condoms being special or not using them quickly with other men… “I don’t think of condoms as a token of my feelings for the guy or anything of note… I used them with most people & some I didn’t. End of story. I NEVER got or had an STI, like some people… Other people you may know!! Clearly fucked without a condom… But she’s your wife & mother of your children, so it’s ok… I forget. I’m the mistress so I’m the slut.” I say goodnight & log off.
07 August 2025 – He says good morning & I try to not be angry as tomorrow is my birthday & so I tell him stuff about work & the previous General Manager. There is so much I am learning about this workplace, which is scaring me, but also I am feeling good about it. We call & speak for ages – three hours to be exact, on my way home & when I get home before I have a work event. We talk a lot about my internet connection, which like I said yesterday, keeps him chatting & interested in talking with me. After we hang up, I say, “Fuck mate. You definitely met your word quota today!!” He doesn’t read it or reply, for once, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t say goodbye over text before I don’t hear from him again.
08 August 2025 – When Phoenix & I started this Affair V2.0, I didn’t think it would last this long if I am honest. But about a month before my birthday, I realised that it’s on a Friday this year meaning that he 100% won’t be able to see me & he will barely talk to me – he will 100% log off, mid conversation & not chat to me until he just rocks up at my house, because tomorrow he’s planned to see me, so he won’t message me in the morning, of course! But during the damage control period, he told me that he’s got a mega long shift on the Friday of my birthday, that I am happy about it knowing that I will at least get our 30 minute phone call. I am trying to relax about the texting because our relationship has evolved to the daily phone calls so we don’t text as much, I mean we both work but because we make time in other ways, does it really matter that we don’t text as much as we used too? I enjoy the calls everyday & honestly, it makes me miss him less because I’ve gotten more than just a text message that day – does that make sense?
I get a very bland Happy birthday message, I wasn’t expecting a lot but thought I might get an emoji or a kiss or a cute name, but he sends, “Good morning and happy birthday for today!” I say thanks, I am happy he remembered (probably because snapchat has a little birthday cake icon next to my name) but also disappointed that there isn’t any love in the message at all, that makes me kinda wish things were like they were last year, when he didn’t even know when my birthday was… It’s like a message you send your friend, not your girlfriend, your lover, the person you communicate with the most… I try not to dwell, though I feel like at the beginning of this V2.0 he was very vocal about his feelings, now I’m barely lucky if I get xxx or even just one x on messages. Let alone him telling me that he loves me or something nice about my appearance. It’s kind of like the six months we’ve been doing this is equivalent to the eight years we’ve known each other & we’re already in that comfortable stage which is usually when someone loses interest because as humans we seek that validation all the time so we seek it with someone new who will give it to us. I’m not saying I’m going to go out seeking that, I’ve sought that for many years from someone other than Phoenix & Phoenix is the only one ever in my life to stick it out & be brutally honest, that I can generally tell when he is lying to me. I’m not saying he’s never lied to me because I am certain he has – in fact conversations we have now show that he lied to me a lot when we had ended the first time.
He asks if the new job know about my birthday & they have added some balloons & some chocolates to my desk, so it’s cute, at least they did something. Why he decides to bring up my blog today, I don’t know but he asks, “Oh least they decorated for it you ! Haha so back to your blog ! You have started calling yourself a masosist Is that in regards to you enjoying pain during sex? Or just poor choices in regards to pursuing relationships, companionship or sex in general ?” I’m already sad I’m not going to see him today why would he ask this, “A little from column A, a little from column B. I don’t want to be someone alone forever, I don’t want to be… What did you call your wife’s best friend yesterday… ‘A sad single woman.’ So I keep looking & going back to guys because I felt like there was something there… Every time I was very mistaken.” I wish I was different, which is why I hate him reading my blog & psychoanalysing me, but having it up, he talks to me more… Even if it does make me feel shit about myself on my birthday, “Ive never thought of you as a sad single woman btw haha. Always cool, even after reading your blog, I do find it fascinating the psychology behind a woman that hasn’t had a long term relationship in many years however. Like how important it was to you to get sex on new years or something like your birthday that in most most long term relationships doesn’t happen or important. Married couples dont have sex on new years or even someone like that me that has had multiple long term relationships. I did know single women were most vulnerable and will to drop their values during the holidays peroid however … not sure why I know that. Eg make a poor choice and sleep with a married man.” Well that haha at the end of saying he doesn’t think I’m a sad single women says otherwise… “I have always been very concious, even though we dont see each other very much, of us being boring… I worked so fucking hard (more than you realise or is in my blog) on keeping things different every time…” He will probably never know how scared I am of being boring, if I am honest, that is my biggest fear now being boring & him just fucking me because he has too & talking to me because he feels obliged. “Well I kept things different despite never reading your blog until jan… I do find it odd however in regards to Milky… This guy introduces you to you to a kinky side… Basically stop looking for people to date or hook up with. Gives you the best sex ever to that point. Yet he gets like 4 entries… And very little sexual stories , literally just him doing some minor moves in a sentence. And an two entries regarding anal (finger then cock). You even stopped using a condom with him apparently. And saw him for 5 months. But in the end he literally gets fuck all entries for that time. And no detailed sex stories.” When I was seeing Milky, the blog wasn’t even on my radar, it wasn’t until he was long gone & things were over with Noodle before I started writing, so I think as you see my sex life evolve in the blog, you can also see my writing evolve. I mean I think with Milky I wouldn’t say vibrator, I said that he had a massager… “Becsuse firstly while he introduced me to a kinky world that I wanted to explore, but we actually never really did anything that kinky. He tied me up once. Maybe twice. I also never screenshotted anything because I wasn’t writing my blog at that time so I wrote most from memory… We had very repetitive sex.. And as you get further in to stores which go on a little longer, I do stop looking while I’m ‘seeing’ someone because I don’t really want to just fuck anyone or anything. The sex with him, while he did a few things to surprise me, was always him standing at the end of the bed, with my legs on his shoulders… Literally. Every time.” Phoenix thinks he should have gotten more entries & maybe he should have but like I said it was over a year later that I started writing about it so I had to rely on my memories & with Milky, I was usually wasted. I mean look at how short they were in the start of the blog, less than 500 words, now they are usually over 2500 words. Phoenix says I was always sober with him & the fact that even after all this time & what a seasoned drinker I am, Phoenix has never seen me drunk, only tipsy online, which is a first. I have never been sober around someone so much ever, even with Boyfriend.
I say that I can’t believe some of the things I have done with him sober, I mean fucking at the train station or in the car wash, at least I was skinnier but the forest fuck now I am fatter surprises me but he says, “you are not that fat “ which I say thanks for adding that. He says he did that on purpose “Yeah cos you think I’m fat. Especially now your wife is skinny.” Which interestingly, he never denies that she is skinny… & that also solidifies my assessment of his pulling away, she’s lost weight & feeling better about herself so fucking him more & I still fuck him but am really down on myself so she’s the more positive one for a change.
We talk on the phone twice at both his breaks, before we hang up, I mention that my parents usually take me out for dinner every year just the three of us, but this year they were supposed to be away, so I had no plans. I have bought everything to make a chicken lasagne thing because I am not sure that Phoenix will plan this picnic for tomorrow, that he wants to take me on & because I don’t ever had a lot of food in my fridge in case he doesn’t organise anything, I think this will be a good option, what a rocking birthday evening, making food for Phoenix! Then last minute, my dad texts happy birthday & says that if I am free for dinner that they are going out with my sister & brother plus their families. Are you fucking kidding me?! It’s my birthday & I’m the last to be invited? Phoenix agrees with me & thinks that’s fucked, the noise he makes when I tell him that they are all going, validates my feelings on how shit this made me feel. My dad says it’s because it was a surprise. I said ‘surprise I’m busy!’ I end up going because I don’t want to be alone feeling shit about my life & 44th birthday. I make the lasagne & go out to dinner. Unprecedented, Phoenix comes back online tonight, talking for a short time about his Facebook page & the fact that Chelsea Handler has contacted him to do a collab, (which turns out to be a scam), he says that google took the monetisation away from his blog because they say that he faked clicks, which he says he didn’t & that Guy Sebastian’s team contacted him too. Before going I ask him is he has anything to say to me & he says “Happy Birthday fuckhead !” saying he’ll see me tomorrow. No hugs, no kisses, no I love you, not even love you or luv ya… I have never felt so insignificant in my life.
03 August 2025 – Phoenix’s response to me being angry is to play the game who can be the most angry. Which is just fucked. When we talk about the ‘stand off’ later I explain that we are basically fighting for weeks about the same thing because we now text for like one hour a day max – in the scheme of things. As it’s not in person, I don’t get to say something shit then storm off & come back 20 minutes later to finish the discussion. Because if I ‘storm off’ while texting him, he’ll go offline & won’t come back for 23 hours acting like nothing has happened.
I don’t want to go see him today but I also do… I know he is working both days this weekend. I got up early & go to the shops thinking that he’ll ask me to come before my lash clients yesterday but he didn’t speak to me much – even after saying how much he missed me & then was home without saying a word. I am fucking pissed. I don’t see how he can just be ok with logging off & not chatting to me? Someone who says they love me & think about all the time – well come to think of it, he hasn’t said anything sweet & comforting to me in months – let alone anything about love.
I barely get conversation from him knowing he is working from 12:00pm today, I had my niece sleep over so I decide to drop her home around the time I think he will have a break & I think that I’ll just sit at my sisters until he messages. But she is out so I drop my niece off to her at the shops. Still nothing from Phoenix. I go through the car wash. Still nothing from Phoenix. I’ve had a good morning message & a snap when he got to work. For someone that said they are going to try to communicate better this is just disappointing. I am fucking annoyed & do not want to hang around another suburb waiting. I say “I’m at the suburb, so you know what time your break is, Mr I-need-to-communicate-better?” He says he’ll be at lunch around 3:00pm. I ask if he wants to see me or if I should just go home? I get nothing, ten mins go by, twenty minutes go by, nothing. I know he is at work & not always able to message right away but this is fucked. I write that I am just going home, because he clearly doesn’t give a fuck & I say have a good night.
I drive home, which is another twenty minutes. I am annoyed at myself because this is just going to make it worse & there is no other time to see him with my new job. If we don’t see each other, I know he won’t call me to try to make amends, then I have sent a pretty loud message… I get home & see my nieces pillow sitting in my lounge room. If I drop it off then I’ll be close to Phoenix’s work by 3:00pm to see him, if he messages. So I decide to delete the message saying goodbye & that he doesn’t want to see me, drop off the pillow & it’s 3:10pm with no message from him STILL!!! Over an hour & nothing.
I figure I just really need to go home, but no bitchy comment, just go home & say I went home, if & when I ever hear from him again. But as I get to the point from my sisters to where I turn left & head home or turn right & head to his work, he messages. I look & it says that he’ll be half an hour – so 3:30pm! Fuck sake, over an hour since I message to say I was at the suburb over. My sister was going to come get my niece, but I didn’t want to miss seeing him, even though he could have seen me yesterday or called but claims he doesn’t know what I do with clients – um ever since we’ve started this lunchtime catch up thing, I have started clients at 11:00am. So I call bullshit on that reason!
Anyway I head to his work, messaging asking if he even wants to see me, I get no reply. I am less than ten minutes away so I drive to the beach & sit there for five minutes deciding if I should even be here. I am trying to be rational, I know he is at work, he tells me all the time he is ‘so busy’ & can’t message me all the time. I don’t think I am asking too much with the precedence he set early on in this affair v2.0.
I drive back to this work & send a snap that against my better judgement, I am there. Still waiting for a reply, that never comes. But he comes & gets in my car, kisses me hello… & I am drawn back in. However, I do get out some of the things pissing me off & he laughs when he says ‘all I know is, I’ve missed you.’ I ask why he laughed, I don’t say that I feel like he is not being genuine but he says it’s because he’s being vulnerable & he doesn’t do vulnerable well. I feel like we will never change, he will communicate poorly, I will get pissed off & I will have to be the one that fixes it.
I don’t even know he thinks about me like he says he does except, I have a birthday looming, it’s on a Friday so he is barely going to chat to me & it will piss me off. But he’s booked the Saturday off work & faked a shift to be with me. I don’t know why though he needs to fake it for 6:00am. He often starts at 7:00am. I just know that if he comes over at 6:00am, he’ll want to leave by 10:00am being his kids are home alone. Plus he gets here at 6:00am, I am going to still be sleepy & then we aren’t going to get up & do anything… He says he wants to go on a picnic, but when the fuck is he going to plan that?! To get picnic stuff before he gets here at 6:00am or will he expect that to be part of the date? He says that he can organise it when I ask if I need to do anything, but I say what is he going to do, hide cheese & crackers in his fridge?! Maybe he’ll organise the Amazing Co picnic that I suggested ages ago & really want to do with him? Whatever, not my problem. I have a boyfriend, who is not a planner, I guess I just have to be happy that he has at least planned to take the day off…
Hours later he hasn’t looked at my messages but I had told him that I had deleted messages & so later he says ,”Oh you did delete some chats you angry lady!” & after I say ‘yes I did‘, he then says goodnight… Great chats Phoenix, great chats!
04 August 2025 – I say good morning first, even though I know he is 100% up – don’t give me bullshit about sleeping in, but I just try to keep the mood light, the end of this week is my birthday & don’t want to be fighting when I see him Saturday. I mention that all our snaps are now of food & he says that it’s because we’ve always talked about food, dieting & weight loss, but then he says, “We need to do some dirty snaps. Ir. I miss you trying to get my attention to fuck you 😜” Is this the problem?! We’ve not been talking about sex much? We only had sex twice in July & three sexless dates that were all lunch breaks… I did tell him when he first read my blog that I used sex to get boys to like me, it worked with him & now we have sexless dates he isn’t as interested… Could that be it?!
We talk on the phone today, for hours… So unusual for us lately, & I talk dirty to him on the phone & via text afterwards… If I want to make this week good & him still see me for my birthday, I have to push all my feelings aside… He asks if I want a date or sex for my birthday & I say that I want both. I ask if he has planned something & he says that he hasn’t but was thinking a picnic with me. He’s said on his whiteboard that he’s working 6:00am – 2:00pm, I say that I don’t get why he says so early, because he starts at 7:00am all the time. So either that’s fucking bullshit & he says that he starts at 7:00am so he can use that as an excuse why he didn’t chat to me till later in the day or he just didn’t think & said 6:00am as that’s his usual. I just say whatever, that he has a key to my house so come at 6:00am, come at 7:00am – whatever, he’ll need to leave between 10:00am to 12:00pm anyway so doesn’t matter what time he comes over… He then says that he should go, I say, “Oh forgot, pumpkin time… Unless your FB page calls… Night.”
05 August 2025 – I ask this morning about his thought process, not to have a go at him, but to understand his point of view better “Can I ask you a question about how your brain thinks about me…? So yesterday we spoke on the phone for like 2 hours, I guess on & off… Then last night, your only night to chat to me freely, you were sporadic… I’m not having a go at you. I just want to understand cos I figured it was cos you just think – well I spoke to her for hours so don’t need to chat or if you even notice that you didn’t chat much or if you thought you did chat a lot…” I get a signature Phoenix rant back ”Number one anything I needed to say to you I said to you that day so not much to chat about via text … There is only so much I can talk to you about in one day. Number 2 I was slightly distracted, I got a copyright warning yesterday for a fucking meme, an Aussie related one so I was going down a rabbit hole trying to figure it out. I ve never had a copyright warning ever. Especially for a meme or image. Number 3, Im busier than you think at night between 5pm and 9pm. I cook dinner for kids , do all my washing up and packing of the dishwasher, prep their lunches for the following day, prep their school uniform , feed all the animals , prep my uniform if I have work, and shower my daughter which is quite a bit of effort because she has bad skin conditions like eczema. So I need to monitor her temp of her water, monitor what she is washing with , then dry her off personally , then use a fucking hair dryer to dry her skin. Then apply steroid creams if she needs it. Then apply moisturiser. Also dry and brush her hair. She is a fuck ton more effort than my son. My son by the age of 7 just jumped in the shower, needed no monitoring or help , didn’t need to do hair because he is a boy lol, and didn’t have any skin conditions. The meme I got a warning from had oz aerobic images in it ….the admin at another page reported me. They did not own the image , I got their personal name and e-mail due to the copyright and contested it with Facbeook and emailed them directly if they owned the images , and that the company that owns the images still exists , even pulled up their abn, there linked in profiles, etc. And checked Aussie copyright law for memes, the images within a meme belong to the original copyright owner. You can’t claim copyright on a image you dont own just because you slap some text on it. They have emailed me back saying they are retracting the copyright claim. My personal account got a warning and a message saying they will basically reduce the algorithm of my page. Which pissed me off even more as they are literally copying posts but remaking them. But with 700k followers do alot better So no weird thing how my brain works. With ADHD im also doing 3 things at once physically and 10 things once in my head if that makes any sense to your ADHD brain. Which also keeps me pretty busy There was no thoughts of…well Ive done my #IBD4U time for today she doesn’t need anymore nor does my brain work like that when it comes to you. We also have a better verbal relationship than we do text now. Husbands and wifes don’t chat all day via text. They call or speak in person The other page has been inactive since my page was montiized. I am 100% certain they got monitized this week and are suddenly active. Including copying my posts. But recreating them”
So this helps a little because now I know he is just not ignoring me, he says that he doesn’t want to share his boring stuff but I think that will help & he always did before! First he just wrote an essay – didn’t he say at the beginning of that rant, that he’d said all he needed to say on the phone?! & if he keeps blaming his ADHD & doing three things at once, wouldn’t dealing with is Facebook shit & chatting to me be two of those things?! Also why is this the very first time I have heard about him having to adjust the temperature of the shower & blow dry his daughter’s skin?! She’s seven! Surely he would have mentioned this before now? Especially since a few months ago he would talk to me at night – all night, without this being an issue, but now he can’t because he’s got so many things to do… Not saying he doesn’t, but he pulled me in & now has pulled back & he refuses to admit it.
When we talk at our lunchtime phone call, we talk about this further. Husbands & wives don’t call but they get to chat face to face because they have that luxury. Phoenix & I don’t. We can only chat on the phone when he is alone. We can only text when he deems me important enough, but we also have to factor in that we do have to have lives. But because we get such limited time, we have to make it work in different ways than a conventional relationship. We embarked on the most unconventional relationship, so we need to do things that may not be conventional. He compares us a lot on his relationship with his wife, I get that, assuming they don’t text a lot of mundane shit like we do, they don’t talk for hours on end on the phone, so he thinks that’s life. It’s their life. It’s the life of a live in relationship for many. Sleep, work, watch TV. That’s not our relationship, right now. But we’re also not seeing each other all the time, sleeping in the same bed. We get the fun parts (except when I am annoyed) but we seem to have sorted it out. Will anything change? I don’t know… Only time will tell.
He says, “I dont like to bore you with my boring stuff “ Oh right, “So you’d rather me think you’re just sitting there not wanting to chat to me?! 🤔” But he says no. I try to say goodbye but he says he can still chat, so I say that he usually goes early on a Wednesday, he says that it’s Tuesday & that he should go… Fuck, “I’m so glad you stuck around for those 3 messages…! I take back my kisses since I got none, So fuck you.”
31 July 2025 – In the morning, despite being in the mindset that I don’t want to be an obligation, if he doesn’t want to call, then he doesn’t have too. But my sassiness overrides my need for not being an obligation “He came with you to pick up your daughter?? & you snapped me? How did you explain that pic then? Anyway whatever, your not obliged to chat or call. So you do what you need to do.” He says “Okay well good Morning sexy bitch !” but again today I’m getting sporadic messages at best, hours in between, is he at work? Is he off? I don’t want him to have to send me his roster, but it definitely helped – or did it?! I don’t want to see it so I can track him, his wife does that enough for both of us, I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me, but I think it helps because otherwise I just assume he’s up at 4:00am & doesn’t write to me till 8:00am & I feel like I am so insignificant, being that is the only time he gets to actually write to me.
He asks around 12:00pm if I am going to call, but I am in training till 1:30pm, so as I am walking to the car I say that I am on my way home, not knowing his schedule so I don’t want to call, is his kid home, is she home now, is he working till 3:00pm? So I wait for him to read the message & it takes him over 30 mins to which he just says, “Ahh if you are home before 3 give me a call.” Oh ok, so he doesn’t want to talk to me while I’m driving, he can see I am driving home from Murray Bridge so I am own my way home. I will get home at 3:00pm, so I just say nope & goodnight. Also I throw in that he should have a good weekend, being she’ll be off the whole weekend & fuck knows what his schedule is. He says “ahhh okay?”, I don’t respond for ages, when I know he is offline – I don’t know why I do that, but I do, so I say, being little miss sass “What’s with the ? You’re a busy man with a family & a wife who’s off work, so you can’t chat to me 24/7. So whenever your busy schedule allows, see if I fit in there somewhere – because apparently the hour drive home wasn’t fitting in with your life for a call… But I wouldn’t know that would I? 🤷♀️” I honestly don’t know how long I can keep this up for, I wish sometimes that he would just end it because I sure as fuck am not able too.
At 9:00 pm again, tonight, he is posting on his Facebook page – so much for ‘always’ struggling to stay awake & ‘always’ being asleep before 9:00pm & forcing himself to wake up to chat to me. What a fucking piece of shit liar. Before he can bullshit me & say that it’s one of his other admins, his post has Papa Roach lyrics so I know it’s him & his post are obviously him & his other admin posts are very clearly written differently.
01 August 2025 – You all know I love travel. I am a travel bug. I want to travel as much as I can. However, in 2023 my passport expired & I haven’t renewed it. I also haven’t been overseas since I went to Hawaii in 2017, way back in affair number one, when things were good. Phoenix had mentioned back in March that he didn’t go to the Falling in Reverse concert with his family because it would be too expensive & he wanted to get passports. I asked where he wanted to go & he said Japan to Disneyland. Which is super cool, but back in March I never thought much of it.
My cousin is getting married in Africa in November that I had mentioned that I wanted to go, being I’d probably never go to Africa otherwise. I do the passport application but never have the money to go renew it. I seem to be struggling & not saving so as the date gets closer, I realise that I probably won’t be going, but who knows, I have a new job which pays more but doubt I can get time off in November now. Turns out, my cousin postpones her wedding until 2026, so I look forward to going then!
So when Phoenix mentioned in a phone call one day, (when we had them!) that he has withdrawn $15k off his home loan & he’s doing the passport applications for a two day trip to Japan in October, my heart sinks. He also drops in that his family have an annual trip on the long weekend too, so that’s why he can’t go to Japan for long. His parents pay for this long weekend trip – I forgot to ask where they are going. But I think it’s absolutely insane to go overseas for two days & when he says that he’s looking at staying at the airport hotel so they don’t have to go far, I wonder what is the point? I suggest they go for week & go see some other places, also he says that staying at Disneyland is pretty cheap (relatively) & I say to him that they are probably only going once so stay there.
He talks about the passport process & having to get the pictures verified. I am struggling hard core with this now that he’s actually going to go on a family holiday which makes this situation I am in even more real & fucked up. I call this man my boyfriend. I am not chatting to anyone else. I’m not seeing anyone else, I barely chat to J-Lo or Rob Rob. I don’t even flirt with anyone at all. I am in this, I am in this as his girlfriend. I treat him with respect & devotion. I want this man as my partner but do I really want this to happen? I want the family holiday. Travelling is my dream, my want in life… How could he want to do this with someone else? I am 100% in this with him & I can barely hold his attention & get messages more regularly than 23 hours.
Maybe this infiltrates our conversations after he mentioned it, every time he brings it up, my heart breaks a little – especially paired with his distance, that I pull away a little more each time. He doesn’t get it. He never will, because do you know, if the shoe was on the other foot & I was the partnered one, he would not wait around like I do. He would be fucking everything he could & chatting to everyone – he does that now when he has a wife & a mistress so there is no way he’d wait around! He doesn’t understand why it upsets me that I wait 23 hours for a message with his dumb excuse vomit of the same shit over & over – I can’t chat to you 24/7 (which I never asked for) or I am a busy person (Like I am not busy!) or that he falls asleep early or that he can’t message me around his wife. He doesn’t understand that when he is in a time frame that he can message me in, that it fucks me off that I am not on his radar to message me. He says he thinks about me all the time, but how can that be true if he can take so many hours to write back to me? I obviously have notifications on, so I see it on my watch & then I’m a fucking fuckwit that can’t leave the message there unread. So I think I’ll half swipe to read it, but then I think he’ll see I’ve been online, so I read it & decide to leave it on read but then I don’t want to play a game so I reply, thinking the next message will be the one I leave unread. But I fucking write back within ten minutes all the fucking time… & the cycle continues because I can’t resist the messages because I never know how long before he disappears, so I’m a dumb fuck wanting to get in as much messaging as I can.
So when he talks more & more of Japan, I am happy for him but fucking heart broken for me. He is going to go on the long weekend trip with his whole family, then go to Japan & he won’t chat to me at all… When I mention about him chatting while in Japan he says he will fit me in, but he can’t even fit me in when we’re in the same time zone & he has a whole house to hide in & errands to do, so how, in a compact hotel, does he think he is going to message me?!
Our snapstreak ends, again! 123 days… He messages in the morning “Good morning. Im working this weekend both days , the morning on Saturday but thr afternoon on Sunday. Ive missed seeing you and missed our phone chats over the last few days. I fucking hate sometimes that I have to ask you to see me or talk to me my on terms… And its part of the reason I back down when you get angry, sad or hurt at me … I dont want to look like a retard begging you to make some effort with me for you to dismiss me. I obviously back off…and im just not as good as you think I am with conflict. I dont know. All I know is I miss you.” Well fuck. I boost his fixing ego all the fucking time & he can’t do the same to make me feel less invisible… “Well you’ve had opportunities to call me both days (from my perspective) & didn’t. So I’m not going to be an obligation & beg you when I have no idea of your schedule… You know mine, so the ball is always in your court. It has to be on your terms because I am always available when you aren’t so busy. I’m sick of planning ideas in my head of when I’ll see you – like weds for example, I was like I’ll go home instead of the office then Phoenix could probably come see me. But I only got two messages before midday & one of them was to say you son is sick. Then barely anything after that all day. I am not an obligation, so you can talk to me, see me, fuck me whenever you can fit it in. I’m done planning – stupidly in my head & being disappointed. So when I get home from work I say goodbye, because I don’t want to feel like a fool waiting around for you for hours, when you supposedly miss me.”
He says, “I couldn’t of seen you Wednesday and you know I would of ! I dont want you feeling like a fool so I that is very justified. I was hoping you would ring me for your drive.” I don’t think he would have seen me… I genuinely don’t… “I didn’t know what you were doing… Working, wife, kids, mowing the lawn… 🤷🏼♀️ Anyway, have a good day. Chat tomorrow.” He says that he asked if I was going to ring him, “At 12, was 2 when I was free… 🤷🏼♀️ Didn’t know if you were at lunch… Or had a kid home sick still…. 🤷🏼♀️” But he says that he had the day off & that he should have told me… I mean I am not a mind reader & don’t want to call him for him to be offline or unable to talk & me look more foolish! “Same with weds, how was I supposed to know your kids was home sick, with the 2 messages you sent before lunch??” When he says the most ridiculous thing ever, “I need to try and improve my communication I guess.” As if he is capable of that, just as much as I am capable of not getting pissed off when this is what has become of our communication. “Well, it’s always as been & always will be on your terms, your availability. I am always available, always getting your notifications so when I back off because I feel like a fuckwit for begging for a second of your time over mowing your lawns, that you backing off more because you’re being a dickhead, does not make things better & we keep going around in circles… So again, I say goodbye cos I’m not waiting around for a snippit of your time anymore when I don’t know what you’re up too or what you want. Have a good day & night. Chat whenever.” & he says, “Im not doing it to be a dickhead I promise. Chat again soon fuck fish.”
02 August 2025 – I get five messages from Phoenix today before he says “You coming to see me tommorow for a break?” I mean I don’t even know when he’s working, so how could I even know or plan what I am going to do… “Don’t even know what time you’re working to even factor it in… So who knows…🤷🏼♀️ And you’ve been so chatty today, that I can’t contain my excitement to come see you. Enjoy your night.” Later he sends two messages with a photo “You are an easy lady to impress! Sneaky mowing message !” the picture is of his lawn mower.
I've Been Dating For You 