September 2025 – 190 Days
01 September 2025 – Monday Phoenix comes online around 11:30am – when his wife seemingly goes to work & tells me that he’s been watching a you tube documentary on boredom. “It was super interesting, just how bored modern humans are the reason we are and how to control it , most because of our use of phones.” We send about half a dozen messages & he leaves me on read. I know I am not giving him much with my conversation today, it’s hard to fake it some days… I really try but I can’t say that I ever do a good job. I say goodbye at 3:30pm when I leave work, without a lunchtime call & even though this is his night to chat to me, he has hardly text today, so I just say goodbye, sending a snap to keep the streak going, he reads it but then doesn’t reply for 2.5 hours.
I come home & decide its time to throw out the flowers he gave me for my birthday, if we were in a better place, I would have saved the rose petals for nostalgic reasons, but I throw them all in the bin. I go through a little ritual cleanse of Phoenix. I take his jumper out of the wash, I lint roll it – to remove all the dog hair he hates, fold it neatly & put in a bag. I don’t want to keep wearing it, I don’t want to keep looking at it. When I give it back, it will be the last time I have a peice of his clothing. I do not want it back – I mean I do, I want his jumper so badly but not this way… I take out the box that he gave me the bracelet in & try to take off the bracelet, but I stop. I can’t bear to take it off. I leave it on & instead I delete his number & email addresses out of my contacts in my phone that have been there for over five years. I delete his Facebook page in my recent search, I look at it from time to time – not as much as I was but once every couple of days I’ll scroll it, he barely posts anymore, not like he was a few weeks ago. I delete all the photos I have saved in a ‘him’ folder – they are now only on my computer. I turn off my location on snapchat – he hasn’t logged his location for weeks, so he doesn’t get to see what I am doing now. I have already stopped buying Pepsi Max because I feel like a fucking idiot every time my family is here & they see it, when he doesn’t care or really give a shit if I buy it or not so why bother… I had deleted his plex already & unsaved the log in details… I gather the geocache stamps, we now have two that we never used & I have two pairs of panties one with his face & one with his name I never wore, all in a bag as I can’t bring myself to throw them out… I also find the stupid ribbon that was on our easter bunnies, I put them in the bag too. The cleanse hurts, every move I make it hurts… Not a physical pain but metaphorical. I look at the bracelet again, I really can’t take it off… I know I have said I am single, I believe that to be true, but I don’t want it to be true, so I keep the bracelet on – for a little while longer, at least… Really hoping as another petal hangs in the balance, that we can turn this around…
02 September 2025 – Today is 190 days since he started this V2.0. Remember HE STARTED THIS! I know I repeat that, but I just don’t get it…He made the effort for more chatting, saying how much he missed it, he started the sexless dates – something we’d never done before. He bought me jewellery, flowers, spent money on lunches. I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t ask for him to do this. But when I did have one request, just one request from him – to communicate better, but he could not do that.
Today, he chat’s sporadically, starting after 9:00am, there are gaps of an hour between messages, I go to lunch at 12:30pm, no mention of calling, I don’t ask for a call because I assume from the sporadic messages, he’s at work & he can’t message at work anymore, remember – his busy excuse or aka LMA. At 1:30pm he asks if I am going to call, I reply I don’t know his schedule, so I’d already gone to lunch – since when have I ever gone to lunch that late, you fucking dickhead?! He says he’s home today ‘sorting cords’, are you fucking kidding me? I ask how am I supposed to know that? What a fucking dick, he doesn’t want to tell me his schedule because he says I get pissed off, so now, the effort is all on him, I will not be putting in anything only to feel like a hooker. We talk about the cords for a couple of messages – what a fucking exciting topic! He couldn’t message me because of fucking cords… Didn’t he always do three things at once?! I am so fucking low down the list of priorities, I fall below sorting cords… It’s actually now embarrassing to write about & if you don’t judge me yet, I judge you, for not judging me… Hahaha…
At 3:00pm, I say goodnight, he reads it & doesn’t reply, knowing I have an hour drive home that he could call me. But an hour & a half later he says, “Goodnight chat tomorrow xx”. Will he chat tomorrow? Can we really call what we have done recently chatting?! Because honestly, now I am second fiddle to fucking cord sorting! He really is just the biggest asshole. Several petals wilt as one falls swiftly to the floor…
03 September 2025 – His good morning message catches my breath for a second, “Good morning 🙂 I am so sorry today , think I had too many pillows last night.” What is he so sorry about? Is he ending it with me? Is he ending it with her? Has he realised he’s treating me so poorly?! Oh none of the above, he’s just done a fucking typo & he meant to say ‘so sore.’ Fuck that was a downward spiral that made me sit bolt upright. I say “I was like, sorry…. You never say sorry to me so didn’t think that was right.” & he ignores my sassiness & just says that he upped his weights so maybe that’s why, I say yeah it’s probably why & he reads it & doesn’t reply or try to keep the conversation going or tell me what he’s doing so we can maybe call for lunch. Nope, nothing.
As I leave work, I send a snap for the stupid streak & say “Great chats as always. Have a good night. Xxx.” He writes back, I assume just goodnight so I don’t look at it until I am home a bit later, not as long as he takes, but enough to know that he would have logged off for the night already, he says, “You dont seem to want to chat to me , 😕 So all I want to do is back off … As usual…” When you’re left on read, what is there to say?! “Oh, I’m really sorry Phoenix. I didn’t realise I was the one leaving you on read or taking ages to reply to watch docos on boredom or sort cords… I will again, try harder to make you feel like I want to chat to you. How was your evening? I know it must’ve been jammed packed, being so busy & all? What did you do? What did you have for dinner? Did you have fun? I went to the chemist after work, made swedish meatballs for dinner, did some pilates & watched True Blood.” I wonder if he’ll pick up on my sarcasm… Is he joking that I don’t want to talk to him?! God he’s a fucking cock head!
04 September 2025 – No he doesn’t get my tone because he says “Ahhh dont be sorry.” Mate I am not fucking sorry one little bit!! “I’m not really sorry… 🤷🏼♀️ Taking a leaf out of your guide book, just say it but don’t mean it…” But he ignores it focusing on how I do Pilates at home. He then sends me a screenshot of his work social media, you know the stupid internal Facebook type social media where you’re supposed to cheer on colleagues & stuff, that no one ever uses it. Well Phoenix has used AI to make himself really fat, like 200-300kg fat & on a treadmill. I would have once found that funny, but I now just realise he is a fuck wit. He writes some dumb thing about making work his passion in life & all I can think is that he could get fired for this shit… He does tell me later that he got told off for the posts, as he did a couple… What is wrong with this guy?!
I tell him about that the cops were coming over to get my security footage, the neighbour was attacked at home when a Facebook marketplace sale went wrong, the dude smashed through the window, hit him in the head with a tyre iron & then ran off. My security footage caught it all, see stalker camera pays off! I thought the guy had smashed the window to take the money back & keep the phone. But he didn’t steal anything, just came back to smash the window & hit my neighbour…
Then I realise when he’s not written back that he didn’t call me on his break, “By the way, never say again that you feel like I don’t want to talk to you. You just had a break & clearly don’t want to call anymore. So do a bit of self reflecting as to why I give you so little of me, because you are lucky to be giving 10% of what I give.” He says, “Is everyone in your neighbourhood creepy? I just assumed you didn’t want to talk to me.” I am the one busting my butt to dribble shit about neighbour to keep the fucking text conversation going… “Well I don’t know your schedule Phoenix, mine is always the same. So I can’t ever be the one to offer to see you or speak to you. It’s up to you & you’re making it clear how you feel.” I hate being like this but I hate that I am feeling so insignificant, “I do want to talk to you and still feel that way.” I am over this, I say, “Doesn’t seem like it. Anyway, have a good evening. Night.” & he says “Ahh okay hopefully we can ttalk on the phone tomorrow then. Good night x.” It’s a Friday, I don’t want to get my hopes up, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
On the way home, it’s like it’s perfect timing, the jewellery store calls to say that my ring has arrived…. I head straight to the shops & pick it up… It’s a thin 10 karat yellow gold band with a emerald cut, claw set Emerald stone, flanked with round brilliant cut diamond accents. It fits perfectly. I love it as I slip onto my ring finger, not even sad that I’ll never get a ring from Phoenix. I’ll be surprised if I ever get anything but a orgasm from him again & actually, I’ll be surprised if I even get that!
05 September 2025 – He says good morning, which I reply the same & have a good day. I am not waiting around for him on a Friday anymore. But he asks about the dude assaulting my neighbour because there is a post on my story he looked at. We chat on the phone for his break, I have no idea what about but then talk about food, “Would’ve brought you some for lunch but fuck buddies don’t do that…” & he says, “I wouldn’t of said no 😜Im heading off line, chat soon x Im working tomorrow and have Sunday off.” I feel like it’s a little too late to tell me about his schedule now… right?! I needed this information months ago… “Firstly I don’t know your schedule so I couldn’t bring you lunch. Secondly girlfriends bring lunch & know their boyfriends schedules because they talk all the time. Fuck buddies talk sporadically & meet up for 15 min sex. We are fuck buddies.” I want him to know, I am no longer his girlfriend, he is free.
At this point, as you know I won’t call him my boyfriend or partner, I barely can even call him my best friend right now. Can I even call him a friend? Even a friend wouldn’t treat someone the way he has treated me & still be a friend. He is just someone in my life. But is he really in my life? I can’t even remember the last time he made effort to come see me, properly see me, not like last Thursday when he treated me like a whore for 15 minutes. Obviously my birthday comes to mind, but that doesn’t count because that was a special occasion, but before that, I can’t honestly remember. Very early July he came to my work for lunch but he didn’t make any effort during the rest of July & August, yes I had a new job far away but I have worked from home more than I expected. He has had weekends where he could have taken time to see me for a date but didn’t.
If you remember, I never asked him to spend a day with me until he did it. In early March he told his family that he was working & spent a few hours at my house, this is before we were going on dates but I cooked him a crumpet bowl. He suggested doing that, I didn’t. He suggested the sexless dates & started seeing me at my work for lunch. Then I added in the trip to him for lunch & started planning meals to take to him, making sure I did something healthy & different, showing my culinary skills & trying to impress him. What a dickhead! He doesn’t even care, he hasn’t ever brought me lunch? Well he did bring me takeaway & once gave me a tuna mornay he made. We go out for lunch (which is nice) but then he spends the entire time bitching about petrol or a speeding ticket, whatever he whinges about, making me feel like shit & to top it off, I never even fucking asked for him to come see me!!! Urgh why is this man so infuriating!? A petal floats away from the stem falling in the red pile of petals lying on the floor.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 