All the songs mentioned in the blog
Relive the blog through the songs that were mentioned! There are probably so many more songs I could have mentioned, but these ones will take you on a trip down memory lane!
There are probably ones I have missed.
#IBD4U
June 2026 – All Too Well
29 April 2026 – It’s almost been a year since I have been in this new job & ironically, as they say, you can’t have it all… When my job & career were shit, things with Obsidian were good & got really good. As soon as I found a great job, things went to shit with him.
He’ll say that I am just a typical winging girlfriend. I’ll say that he was distant & cold. We needed to work harder on our communication than other couples because we didn’t get to see each other like regular people do… So I either just let it go, let him pull away or I talk to him about it, which is what makes me a typical whinging girlfriend. It’s a no-win situation.
I also wonder if the downfall of us was me telling him things like when I had my period or a upset belly, even the shit about my work or family, just made me human to him… He’d built me up to be this woman in his head, this syborg of a woman who didn’t fart, vomit, burp or get a period who was just the sexual equivalent. He built me into something that his reality version of me couldn’t deal with. He really didn’t know me at all, when I truly think about it & it’s why he hasn’t tried to fix us… He didn’t want me, he wanted the version he thought I was…
I’m not a massive Taylor Swift fan but, this song hits a bit too close to me… Did I make it all up? Was this all just a dream? The movie version of this song – the driving in the car, the kissing in the forest just fucking kills me to watch as if our life was a movie, this is what it would look like – complete with the dude with a beard! Hahaha… But then she does seem to crack the shits at the dinner party because he wouldn’t hold her hand & watching it, I think fuck she is a bit over the top, like he was with friends but do you know what? That fucking disrespect & gaslighting is so fucking real that I can’t even cope with watching this…
You know what’s funny? Is for so many years, I never really thought that Obsidian took me for granted until he started v2.0 & he admitted that he did – I mean I may have thought it but I just always put it down to our situation… But this last time, that’s all he did, was take me for granted, treated me well when he felt like it & when I fell for it, he changed the game again… Just expecting that I would always be there.
Taylor Swift – All Too Well (10 Min Version)
I walked through the door with you, the air was cold
But somethin’ ’bout it felt like home somehow
And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house
And you’ve still got it in your drawer, even now
Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We’re singin’ in the car, gettin’ lost upstate
Autumn leaves fallin’ down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days
And I know it’s long gone and that magic’s not here no more
And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all
‘Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red ’cause you were lookin’ over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there
I remember it all too well
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turnin’ red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother’s tellin’ stories ’bout you on the tee-ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinkin’ your future was me
And you were tossin’ me the car keys, ‘Fuck the patriarchy’
Keychain on the ground, we were always skippin’ town
And I was thinkin’ on the drive down, “Anytime now
He’s gonna say it’s love, ” you never called it what it was
‘Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearin’
It’s the same after three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to
As I reached for you, but all I felt was shame
And you held my lifeless frame
And I know it’s long gone and there was nothin’ else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to
‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We’re dancin’ ’round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there
I remember it all too well
And there we are again when nobody had to know
You kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath
Sacred prayer and we’d swear
To remember it all too well
Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of bein’ honest
I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lyin’ here
‘Cause I remember it all, all, all
They say, “All’s well that ends well, ” but I’m in a new hell
Every time you double-cross my mind
You said, “If we had been closer in age, maybe it would’ve been fine”
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she? An ever-needy, ever-lovely jewel
Whose shine reflects on you
Not weepin’ in a party bathroom, some actress askin’ me what happened
You, that’s what happened, you
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sippin’ coffee like you’re on a late-night show
But then he watched me watch the front door all night willing you to come
And he said, “It’s supposed to be fun turnin’ twenty-one”
Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still tryin’ to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
‘Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can’t get rid of it
‘Cause you remember it all too well
‘Cause there we are again when I loved you so (loved you so)
Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well (oh, oh)
Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well
And I was never good at tellin’ jokes but the punchline goes
“I’ll get older but your lovers stay my age”
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I’m a soldier who’s returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?
‘Cause in this city’s barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well
Just between us, did the love affair maim you all too well?
Just between us, do you remember it all too well?
Just between us, I remember it (just between us)
All too well
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there (I was there)
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it (all too well)
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there (oh)
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there (I was there)
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it (all too well)
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it
Source: LyricFind – Songwriters: Elisabeth Wagner Rose / Taylor Alison Swift – All Too Well: The Short Film lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc
So this is where #IBD4U ends… While I love writing, there is literally nothing going on in my dating life, it’s almost been a year since I had sex with anyone.
I am not ok with it, even now being we haven’t spoken for over six months. I remember it all too well… I remember giving my all to get 50% of him. Maybe I asked for too much, but then I remember it all too well, that I didn’t ask for this… I certainly didn’t want him completely out of my life & if I knew that it would end up this way, I wouldn’t have allowed him to get close. But I remember it all too well, him saying that he wanted me in his life & he was going to make an effort – I believed him.
Our love was rare. Or should I say, my love for him was rare… I am not sure he loved me, but I don’t believe that he has had that type of connection with anyone before & he never will again, this thing between us was a masterpiece that he just tore up because he was running scared. He ran so fast from ne multiple times, destroying any chance of us remaining friends…
I wish nothing but the best for him & my little romantic brain holds out hope that one day, just one day Obsidian & I can be friends again… But for now, I’ll remember it all too well…
#IBD4U
April 2026 – Penetrate my icy exterior
29 April 2026 – I don’t know what it is, but in the last couple of weeks, something inside me is really melancholy… Maybe it’s finding the song I will post a little later, maybe it’s just that it’s been over seven months since I last had sex, knowing that Obsidian can’t say the same & I’m not convinced that it would only just been with his wife too…
Maybe it’s because I am more horny that I have been in six months too. Here’s some TMI for you, but wouldn’t be a #IBD4U blog without it. So when I knew I wasn’t going to see Obsidian again, I stopped shaving my pubic hair. If you’re a long time reader, you’ll know I was having laser when I first met him, so I don’t have a lot of hair anyway but I had just stopped bothering to tend to it, I didn’t do it for him, because he sure as shit didn’t tend to his at all with me, but I just shaved it off, so letting it grow back was also a bit odd, because it was patchy where the laser worked better than other spots. But anyway, the other night, I don’t know why I chose to get rid of it all, with tweezers! Yes I plucked my bikini line, one hair at a time! I may need a hobby, I know… But I dunno, it’s been a long time since I had any hair but also been a few months since I have been bare & do you know what? Having no hair makes you so much hornier than when you have hair…
Maybe it’s that it’s three years since I went to Papa Roach & wrote that post that ultimately was the the catalyst that changed our dynamic when he read it & oddly Papa Roach were recently back in Adelaide – I didn’t go, I doubt he did either but I didn’t want to taint my night on edge thinking I might see him. I was away anyway in my little caravan, not thinking about him or a concert taking place.
But whatever it is, I fucking miss him.
All I have – EMO and Oskar Cyms
Walking away, closer is sober
Something is telling me we can’t be reached anymore
I’m falling apart, but I know that I need you
I need you now
It hit me like a train when nothing felt the same
Footprints in the waves, I can feel it that it’s over
Something’s gotta hold
Something’s gotta hold
I gave you all I have, I wanna fall in the night
Shoulder to shoulder
I’ll carry you, I’ll carry with all that I have
Is there a word I could say?
Was there a chance in your head?
Is there a way to remind you
I gave you, I gave you all that I have
I’m running a maze further from home now
Something is keeping me following empty words
Is there light in the dark? ‘Cause I know that I need you
I need you now
It hit me like a train when nothing felt the same
Footprints in the waves, I can feel it that it’s over
Something’s gotta hold
Something’s gotta hold
I gave you all I have, I wanna fall in the night
Shoulder to shoulder
I’ll carry you, I’ll carry you with all that I have
Is there a word I could say?
Was there a chance in your head?
Is there a way to remind you
I gave you, I gave you all that I have
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Thomas Martin Leithead-docherty / Patryk Kumor / Jan Bielecki / Dominic Buczkowski-wojtaszek / Damian Skoczyk
I can feel that it’s over. I gave all I had, he didn’t & he never could. He contacted me when he thought he was going to die with his eyesight, he happened to find my blog & realised he took me for granted. He drew me back in, to take me for granted one last time, I would have gone to his eye appointments with him, his wife didn’t… Its a revelation to realise that someone takes you for granted, someone that you literally would have done anything for & they can’t even message more than once in a 24 hour period…. I would have fucking taken the day off work to go to his fucking eye appointments & he couldn’t log on to snapchat because he had to do two factor authentication, to tell me he couldn’t be online for the day… So, yeah, it really shows how much I meant to him. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING… So I won’t reach out or fix this. But I miss the man I was able to chat too, the one that did want to hear what I had to say, the one who reassured me that he wanted to have me in his life, but I don’t miss the man who made me feel like an obligation every fucking day…
While my walls are up & if he did reach out, it would not be easy going for him to even penetrate my icy exterior now – even just to be chat buddies, so I know he won’t ever put in the effort to get back to a amicable place & even if he did surprise me, he’s the boy who cried wolf, would I believe him for a fourth time?? But I do know of one thing that would break the ice… I won’t share it here, while I don’t think that he’s reading now in real time, I feel like one day he will read this to catch up (even if it’s just to find out how many many I’ve fucked since him, which is still zero!), so I am not going to give it up that easy… I did before with the Papa Roach post & he jumped at the vulnerability that I rarely show. But I will say – it’s not sex or sexual (kissing/hugging/touch), it’s not telling me that he loves me or how much he misses me, it’s not even leaving his wife, it’s not randomly coming to see me, it’s not buying me a gift or flowers…. It’s not anything as obvious as that, well it’s obvious to me, but I am not sure if he knows me as well as he said he does to be able to figure out what it would take. & even if he did figure it out, I know he won’t do it & if he surprised me & did it, he wouldn’t be able to maintain the strained friendship because he’s so busy & it wouldn’t be easy for me to let my guard down ever again, especially if he’s still with her.
It’s actually very fucking simple really, but I can’t really see us ever being on talking terms again, which maybe is what fucking hurts the most. The other times we’ve ended, there’s been a goodbye, never a great one, but we had a goodbye. We knew it was over, however it never felt over… I always knew & I think I even said it in the blog that I knew there would be a part two. I never knew there would be a part three and a part three v2.0. But it never felt finished, even though we had a goodbye. This time, there was no drama, no tears, no goodbye. Just a slow fade to silence. He didn’t fight for me when he was losing me, there is no way he is fighting to get me back into his life again…
I love the man with all my fucking heart & made time for him every fucking day & he still was able to say he didn’t think I wanted to talk to him – so imagine how much effort he would put in if I actually was a stone, truly giving him nothing?! I mean he’s proved what he’d do, when I did back off… Radio silence since his Christmas message. I don’t even check if he’s been online anymore, I’ve deleted him, I don’t search him anymore like I did incessantly after the Christmas message, I don’t use Snapchat much anymore either, it hurts to much to message anyone, but I know for sure, without looking, that he doesn’t come on to check if I’ve messaged…
#IBD4U
March 2026 – Ressuss Team
12 March 2026 – Tonight I am went to G Flip, this was something I had thought way back when I got the tickets that he & I would be able to go to together, but who knew that our story wouldn’t even be continuing. I go with a friend & G sings the song ‘In Another Life’ which makes me want to cry on the way home… I will be waiting, waiting for when it’s right… Though there is really only one way now that Obsidian & I could ever be friends again, let alone lovers.
I sing, I dance, I enjoy my night, going home alone… I have a new staff member starting tomorrow I was going to take the day off but I decide to just go in, but u get home late, after 11:30pm, knowing I have to get up around 6:00am, all I want to do is get into bed. Which I do but around 11:50pm, I hear a car pull up out the front of my house, it’s kind of loud, that I think it’s my neighbours, but it seems weird so I look at a camera & it’s not a neighbour but someone pulling up in a ute right by my caravan. So I watch like a modern day Mrs Mangels to what they are doing, are they here to do something to my caravan, are they here to visit a neighbour? I watch them fart arse around for a bit before the two people in the car walk off down the walkway which is next to my house. There is a cul-de-sac down the walkway, so the drill is that they park around my house, walk down the walkway for their drug deal in a house in the cul-de-sac then the house doesn’t draw attention right. Well I have been noticing cars out the front of my house more & more, so I download the video for some reason. I roll over, ready for sleep & yawn, I must yawn so wide because my fucking jaw locks open.
My first thought is that all I want to do is sleep so I just rub the sides & try to ease it back closed, but it won’t budge. Ten minutes later, I am walking around with it becoming more & more painful, googling how to get it closed. I try a wheat bag & relaxing, but 20 minutes later it’s still open. It’s now after 12:00am, I am tired & want to go to sleep. But I am really thinking that I am going to have to go to emergency. I think that is stupid, but another 10 minutes later, about 30 minutes since I yawned, I get dressed, sort out the dogs, write a message to myself that I can show them at the hospital – because I can’t talk, & get in my car to drive myself to the hospital. I think that this is so stupid, I figure it will pop closed as I am in the car, sitting outside the hospital, but it doesn’t. I walk into the hospital & I walk up to the desk, trying to speak that she probably thought that I was a drug fucked idiot at 12:45am, so I show her my message I wrote myself so she can see that my jaw is locked open. I expect to sit in the waiting room for hours, as this isn’t really an emergency, but where else do you fucking go on a Thursday night when you live alone & have no idea how to close your jaw?
The triage nurse tells me to wait by the window, that I will be going through shortly, I think just to another waiting room or to give me some pain meds via an IV because obviously I can’t swallow anything. They have me in a gown within a few minutes of being in the ER & a IV in my arm. They tell me that they are going to give me some fentanyl. Before I get any drugs, another nurse comes to get me & says they are taking me into the resuss room… I say with my wide-open mouth voice “Resuss?” she just says something about being the treatment room or something, I climb on a bed & they start going about pumping me with fentanyl. Of course, I can’t talk but they all seem to be asking me questions about my shoes or what I was doing, they of course usually get you to recite your name & date of birth for drugs, which I can’t do. Once I am woozy from the IV fentanyl, two doctors put their thumbs in my mouth & push my jaw down & back to put it back in, saying it’s properly dislocated now & because I am awake, I am resisting & they can’t get it closed.
Before I know it, there are a lot more people in the room, I am feeling super self conscious looking like a clown at the show that you stick the balls in their mouth to win a prize, yet there are dr’s just standing by, when the main dr that I have been dealing with says that they are going to put me sleep & put it back in. She explains that the drug they are going to be using to put me under can cause people to stop breathing, so they have the resuss team… Errrr WHAT THE FUCK!!! I’m thinking, we better check the degrees of these Dr’s because I have a resuss team for a fucking yawn?! OMG. I am relaxed because of the fentanyl but I am a little on edge that I say “sumoy etta all my istea, no oe ows I ere!” (translation: Somone better call my sister, no one knows I am here!) It’s almost 2:00am at this point & I haven’t told anyone I am in emergency & here I am in the resuss room with a resuss team so I think someone should fucking know…
I call my sister a couple of times & she when she answers, she’s disorientated & I can’t talk properly that I just hand the phone to the nurse who tells her who she is & where I am. Then within a few minutes, the dr’s are talking over me about the procedure. Introducing themselves to each other & their role, whos’ running the procedure. I guess they need to know who is calling the shots should something go wrong. But then they say they need to oxygenate me, so they stick two of those tube things over my ears so they go up my nose. Ok so I don’t have big nostrils, so these two tubes up there are already uncomfortable, but then they turn on the tornado’s blowing air up my nose at the speed of light & if you’ve ever had air blown up your nose with your mouth open, so it’s coming straight out & causing my eyes to water & making it difficult to actually breathe, that I try to pull it off explaining that I can’t breathe… They turn down the air but fuck that was so awful that I am glad that I am knocked out & back awake with my jaw back in place without further issues.
By 2:20am, my sister is in emergency picking me up, not being allowed to drive for 24 hours after this drama. My jaw is so sore & achy that my sister takes me to the 24 hour pharmacy to get the pain meds they prescribed & I am home & in bed asleep finally by 3:30am. The point of the story is that well, it’s fucking hilarious – who has a resuss team because of a yawn, but I have had a night at a concert where I thought of nothing else by Obsidian & the whole time I was at the hospital, all I wanted to do was message him to tell him & get his support. But I am quickly reminded of the fact we aren’t talking & last time I had to have an emergent procedure, I told him about it & he didn’t give a fuck. But also he wouldn’t even be online anyway even if we were on good terms, so it’s like the perfect ending to a night where all I wanted to do it talk to him, thought about messaging him, to ending with a stark reminder that he no longer cares about me, if he ever did at all….
24 March 2026 – Today would have been our nine-year anniversary & if you told me a year ago when Obsidian was spouting his love for me & buying me jewellery, that he wouldn’t be in my life in a years time, I would – in the words of Pink!, I would stand up & punch you out, cos you’re wrong, I knew better! Writing & posting about this latest chapter of us has been cathartic but also so brutal. There are days when I think about him so much, waiting so much to call him, to talk to him about general day to day bullshit & there are days when I am glad he’s out of my life, but if I am honest, the latter doesn’t happen that often.
I don’t check his snapchat status as much anymore but I haven’t seen a green dot for him for a long time, I figure that he’s turned it off or just not even logging on to see if I have messaged… I guess he’s genuinely glad our affair fizzled, neither of us ending it, just me not putting in any effort & typical Obsidian only puts in effort when his wife or LMA weren’t paying him attention. I was always his fall back, I was never his number one & now he’s not obliged to log in to that fake account, doing the two factor authentication that is so difficult to do & having to delete it daily, he’s got a wife who’s showering him with attention & sex. As his snapchat says, he’s an easy going guy… Now he has an easy breezy fun, young, hot chick to chat too on a app that doesn’t require hiding for when he’s bored – he’s got LMA on his real Instagram & in real life at work. He’s got his wife & his new mistress, what does he want or need me for? Especially when I’m a criticising, needy, cranky bitch.
Papa Roach – Before I die
I’m out here on my own
Giving it a go alone
Begging on my knees
Is there a god to save me?
I’ve been a wretched soul
From my heart down to my toes
I was lost in my disease
And you were right there screaming
Don’t change when it’s too late
Maybe I said the right things wrong
And my one last shot is too far gone
But if I can, I swear that I
Will live for you before I die
Maybe I pushed you way too far
To pull you back from where you are
But if I can, I swear that I
Will live for you before I die
From the valley of the dead
I’m hearing every word you said
I’m trying to apologize, but I can’t feel my feelings
Are you giving us some room to grow?
Or digging us a deeper hole
And killing any shred of hope for us to believe in?
I am discarded & no longer needed.
No longer a hidden secret…
No longer having to use obscure ways of communicating…
His life is just as he wanted…
#IBD4U
February 2026 – Stuck in my head
04 February 2026 – I cannot get him out of my head, even now months after we last spoke, maybe because I’ve been posting on my blog about our latest version of the relationship as Phoenix & now as Obsidian – watching it slowly sink while I fight like hell to keep us afloat, maybe it’s because of how it ended, without an actual ending… Maybe it’s because of all the things going on in my life at the moment…
My boy dog has had this weird wincing thing going on since the end of October. We went to the vets over five times but they had no idea what was wrong with him, so they ordered a full body CT scan. But of course, around Christmas, after being with my sisters’ dogs & a time when I would expect a lot of wincing, he isn’t doing it at all, so I cancelled the CT as it was $2300 on top of the almost $1000 I already paid for visits. But of course, as soon as I cancel it, he starts doing it again, but finally I can see it’s his toe. I have basically been pushing, poking & prodding him for months every time he does this wince but can’t find anything wrong with him. So we go back to the vet & get a CT on his paws, which is about $1000. They say that there is a mass on his toe & the only course of action is amputation… Um, WHAT THE FUCK? Surely there is something in between swollen toe & amputation?!
But after much deliberation, with no one to talk to about it, I also get a second opinion & lots of heart ache because it took four months for a fucking vet to even find something wrong with him, now they want to cut it off, my dog goes in for a toe amputation, which literally kills me so much that I am screaming out to contact Obsidian… But I know firstly, he wouldn’t be online or see it for days, maybe weeks, but his heartless attitude to my own emergency procedure, can you imagine how much care factor he’d have for my dog, a dog he hates?! But this dog is my life & Obsidian was my person, I wasn’t ever his, but he was mine & I need some support here. I just know that I won’t get the support I need – even if things were good, he wouldn’t be supportive. So as much as I want too, I go through this alone… Freaking out that my dog has cancer because his lymph node is inflamed as well, they don’t know what this mass is, so I am worried it’s something more sinister. So after thousands of dollars, weekly to twice a week vet visits, time off work & drugging my dog with tranquilisers for every appointment, I am at an all time low.
When my dog comes home & the toe is gone, they biopsy it, because they saw that his lymph node was swollen too, but that all looks ok. However, when I get the results of the biopsy, they say it was an infection. A FUCKING INFECTION! They cut off my dog’s toe for a fucking infection!!!!!! I am so fucking pissed & it makes me want to speak to Obsidian even more! I think the worst part is that I have to give my dog a tranquiliser every few days to take him back for bandage changes & more meds – costing me about $200+ per week. The poor dog is just drug fucked for so long… Almost a month later the poor fucker is still having antibiotics as his other toe has a welt like his now removed toe had…. I just wish I had someone in my life to chat about this kind of stuff & just help me work through the decision. But again, there was only a brief time when Obsidian actually cared about what I said, that was when he decided to change our dynamic.
Obsidian is still stuck in my head with every problem I have & every song I hear, reminds me of him, reminds me of our phone calls, the way I could talk through this shit with him, for a very short period, I was blissfully happy with him, until I called him my boyfriend… That’s when he pulled away… So I had to cut him off when I couldn’t take anymore, but he’s still stuck in my head, every fucking day, even now…. I guess, I can’t pretend that we never met.
Stuck in my head – Sleep Theory
You see me walking away
And I know that the last thing you said
Was another regret I won’t feel
But it’s not what you say
It’s the look on your face when you say it
That keeps on replaying the scene
You’re still stuck in my, stuck in my, stuck in my head
Unlike anything that you ever said
You’re still stuck in my, stuck in my, stuck in my head
Guess I can’t pretend that we never met, not yet
No, Oh, yea-yeah
It’s got me running in place
And I know if I hear one more song
On those streets we drove on, I might break
I cut this off when I was through
How could my mind be stuck on you
I don’t miss what we had before
And I don’t need this anymore
You’re still stuck in my, stuck in my, stuck in my head
Unlike anything that you ever said
You’re still stuck in my, stuck in my, stuck in my head
Guess I can’t pretend that we never met, not yet
No
After everything you tried to make believe
You couldn’t make me feel a thing
So then why am I still stuck on you and me
It happens even when I try to go to sleep
Wake me up from this dream, and
Just get outta my, outta my, outta my head
Just like everything that you ever said
Why are you still stuck in my stuck in my stuck in my head?
Guess I can’t pretend that we never met, not yet
No, Oh, yea-yeah
No, Guess I can’t pretend that we never met, not yet, No
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Ben Pruitt / Cullen Moore / Daniel Pruitt / Dave Cowell / Paolo Vergara
Stuck In My Head lyrics © Concord Music Publishing LLC, Mothership Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
27 February 2026 – Another thing that has been going on, is that work is going so well, but also its stressful. A chick who thinks she is so overworked, has no flexibility & doesn’t get paid enough quits. I am not sad about it but when my boss doesn’t want to replace her, I agree to an extent, but I need help getting the business running smoothly! I hired someone to do a different job & she worked 15 hours & text me to tell me that the job wasn’t for her. I have a trainee who is right out of school, who is doing well but basically hasn’t produced a piece of work yet & hasn’t started her traineeship because she wasn’t available for the days allocated to school. So I have to have a serious chat with her & she almost cries.
Also the woman who employed me, who worked for another company – that I’d be confiding in, also quit her job with the other company. So I take this opportunity to talk to my boss about my job title & my pay rate. She agrees to a new job title, we go back & forth, hilariously, I end up with Chief Executive Officer – which fits the job I am doing however, the funny part is , that I do not see myself as a CEO & I don’t have any other managers! When we talk about pay, she asks me to tell her what I think & we’ll negotiate. So I add an extra $4k thinking that she’ll say a bit less, but she agrees to the amount I said. A couple of weeks later, I don’t have my new pay or job title, that I bring it up again & she tells me to contact the accountant, so I do & she processes it & I become a CEO!
I have severe imposer syndrome, I don’t feel like I belong in this realm of management, I make jokes about it with the team, which in turn, I realise they are making jokes too. But ultimately this is because I have no one outside of the office to talk to about what I am doing. I need a parter to vent too, I can’t keep saying things to other team members at work, but for some reason I can’t keep my mouth shut. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t ever been this close to money in a business or what, but I know everything that is going on – money in/money out, invoices & I am running it all… I feel like this is what I should be doing but I also feel so out of my depth!
This is when I am desperate to chat to Obsidian… He & I think alike, so having someone to just hash out the details of this business & how I am going to approach things would just be super helpful. & because I don’t have a colleague to talk this stuff out with, I am a bit lost with things sometimes at work. He’s still stuck in my head so much that I don’t know how to move on…
#IBD4U
January 2026 – Knight of Pentacles
13 January 2026 – So as I said, my friend recommended I see her psychic, so on the 27 November 2025, I see her, online. All she has is my birth date & name. Of course after a ‘break up’ if you can call what I had with Obsidian a break up, I just stopped trying & of course he doesn’t even try so it just fizzled out but because she sent me a recording of the reading, I had it transcribed because I prefer to read it, & something she mentioned in her reading was:
“You meet a young Knight of Pentacles, & he changes your life for the better. He’s a sweetheart. You’ll meet him in February. He might be a gorgeous one week stand or he may be someone you work with or you connect to. You may become friends. Could be a Will &Grace relationship. But yeah, he changes your life for the better. He brings positive into your life.”
then also later in the reading:
“You are letting go of someone. There’s no doubt about it. & you’re still grieving that. There’s no doubt about that. You know, can’t change that. I haven’t got a magic wand. I wish I had for you because I don’t want you to miss out. Well, there’s two guys in here. There’s a young guy that is going to be good for you. & then there’s my favourite, the King of Cups, who’s going to be really good for you, & I don’t want you to miss it while you’re pining for this other one, you know. But I worry if this other one had narcissistic tendencies because those kind of personalities like to do the rounds. They usually have a couple of broken hearts or that they’ve tortured & they like to go back to them. They can be that person that says, ‘Oh, you know, they’re still, not over their ex or you know what I mean?’ & that’s how they play. That’s how they gaslight & keep you sort of treat it mean to keep it keen is that saying & yeah, I’m sorry, but that’s the kind of personality I’m picking up in your life. So, if that was your past, let it go. If it’s somebody that comes in in your present, thank God. I know you’re going to you’re not in denial in this next cycle. You’re sort of very aware. So, I know you’re not going to make the same mistake again. But it is easy to fall back & want what we haven’t got. & Leos don’t like giving up without a fight.”
Fuck, she got a lot of that right, but I can’t for me to let go of Obsidian & meet pentacles or cups!! When she talked about these new guys, she has the biggest smile & she does a little shiver too when she explains it…
So when I see on my snapchat that ‘Elvis is typing…’ & it goes on a for a while, I just think it was an accident, but it wasn’t an accident, he sends a message “I had a critter cling onto my car from my yard all the way to my site in town today and it made me think of you haha I was so proud of it. Would have snapchatted an action shot for ya but ya know… phones and cars and cops etc lol.” (the critter was what my nickname is.)
So as a bit of background, Elvis had met the chick not long after we stopped seeing each other – not that we saw each other that much, maybe like four times, I had also just met Obsidian. Elvis & his Mrs had met & built a house, that was about the extent of the info I had about them. Every now & then we would respond to each other Snapchat stories, nothing terribly exciting & the chat might go back & forth for a few messages but we didn’t consistently chat over the years & we’ve been friends on snapchat since March 2023 ( we were friends before but I think I deleted him). When he was away for work, he would message me more, usually late at night, I think trying to get me to sext with him… I didn’t ever give him much back before he’d say something about remembering fucking me & that he needed to go to sleep & sort himself out. It was always pretty one sided.
The last major conversation we had was probably about June or July 2025 when he asked me for advice on a vibrator for him & his Mrs. They were having some issues particularly around their sex life & he wanted to mix things up a bit, so I offered my advice as neither of them had used one before, so he was looking at some & they were a little advanced – maybe even for me, the one he was going to buy one that would burn her clit off! I suggest a wand with speed settings, cordless & rechargeable. Which is what he gets & sends me a picture of it telling me it’s good. A few weeks later I think I asked how it was going with it & he didn’t reply – maybe it didn’t go as he’d hoped it would…
I reply to his message about the critter hanging on for dear life on his car, not thinking much of it, I know he has a live in girlfriend, so I say that my work is done if he sees the critter & thinks of me! To which he agrees & then sends, “How ya been anyways? Did ya get a decent Xmas break? Haven’t seen much from ya since the pagent.” I haven’t been posting much because I don’t want Obsidian to see anything, so Elvis noticing just tells me that I probably made the right decision with Obsidian because he wouldn’t even notice, he barely looks at my stories anymore anyway… I tell Elvis that I ended something late last year so I’ve been laying low, when he says “Well turns out im in a similar position, me and my Mrs were going shit pretty much all year and wanted to end things before things might have turned ugly so yeah I moved out in December and have been flat out sorting all that out. Worked through the holidays too only had the public holidays off so now really contemplating an over seas solo trip in a few months to make up for it. Why did you end yours?” Oh fuck… He’s single?! While I don’t want to have sex with anyone else & haven’t since I last fucked Obsidian in September 2026, the psychic reading comes to mind here, she said that in February there will be a fun young guy & I’ll have a some fun with him, she even laughed & sort of squirmed in her chair as she said it… Could this be the rebound?
Anyway, thinking of the blog, I decide to copy & paste the conversation with Elvis for future blog posts, because we’re chatting a lot more back & forth than I was expecting. Mainly about our exs but it’s a few messages everyday. So I think, in case it does become something that the psychic was squirming about, which would seemingly be something blog readers would want to hear about, I copy & paste our chats to start writing about it… This is how I found the message from Obsidian at Christmas!
Back when Elvis & I caught up, years before, we had good sex, he was good at foreplay, he’s cute & I got along with him enough to feel comfortable with him, he isn’t looking for anything, wanting to focus on himself. I am certainly not looking for anything at all & if I am honest, the thought of having sex with someone else right now, kills me. No matter what happens with Elvis, I genuinely don’t want anyone else… I don’t want to get undressed for a new person all over again!
Undressed – Sombr
You had a dream, you wanted better
You were sick of all the holes in your sweater
You looked to me and wondered whether
I was the lamppost to which you were tethered
I’m lookin’ at you, and you’re lookin’ at me
But the glimmer in your eyes is sayin’ you wanna leave
You say you don’t mean what you’re sayin’ to me
But the glimmer in your eyes is telling me other things
I don’t wanna get undressed
For a new person all over again
I don’t wanna kiss someone else’s neck
And have to pretend it’s yours instead
I took the train to see my mother
I look across the track to see you with another
There’s nothin’ worse than seein’ your lover
Moving on while you still suffer
I’m lookin’ at you, and you’re lookin’ at me
But the glimmer in your eyes is sayin’ you wanna leave
You say you don’t mean what you’re sayin’ to me
But the glimmer in your eyes is tellin’ me other things
I don’t wanna get undressed
For a new person all over again
I don’t wanna kiss someone else’s neck
And have to pretend it’s yours instead
And I don’t wanna learn another scent
I don’t want the children of another man
To have the eyes of the girl that I won’t forget
I won’t forget
I don’t wanna get undressed
For a new person all over again
I don’t wanna kiss someone else’s neck
And have to pretend it’s yours instead
I don’t wanna get undressed
For a new person all over again
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Shane Boose
Well it turns out that when I tell Elvis that I am not looking for anything or even sure if I can be with another man, he agrees that he needs to focus on himself, then we pretty much stop talking. I mean there is the an exchange back & forth sometimes when we one of us posts a story, but the vibe definitely changes with him. He was persistent & kept the conversation going, now I just get a emoji reaction to things I have said, which ends the conversation. He says at one point that when I am ready, I can call on him to help me out. But honestly, here I am (at the time of posting) almost nine months from the last time I had sex & don’t get me wrong, I want it… But I want it with someone who only wants that from me…
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 