Category: Uncategorised

While not much has happened in the last few months, beside my Facebook account being hacked & deleted, therefore losing access to my #IBD4U Facebook page as I had no backup or other admins on it, thinking this would never happen to me! Who wants my shitty Facebook account?! Anyway I can’t get it back despite multiple attempts to contact FB. So the only way to follow now is via the website on WordPress. So head on over to www.ivebeendatingforyou.com & please subscribe though there for the semi regular posts that I’ve been posting. This also includes the e-books, which make it easier to read the posts as they are released.

Now, on to a few stories, that aren’t worth their own post because they aren’t long, but follow on from Update & Update #2.

Neighbour: Well this is a new story, I haven’t ever written about this guy because to be honest he’s always been a bit creepy & quiet so I just wave to him & his wife whenever I’m out the front & they are too. Nothing exciting, right?

So this neighbour across the road who gave me his number in my letterbox to ask if I needed help moving my pergola that was delivered for my reno a while back. I messaged him & no, it’s up to the contractor to keep it safe but thanks for the offer… Since then he’s messaged to ask about a dog sitter for August – um ok (it was about January at this stage)!

One day, months later, we’ve have a few text exchanges but nothing worth writing about, I am out the front painting my driveway & I get a message from him, which I look at on my watch. He says that he’s sorry he didn’t wave to me when he was out the front too but he’s shy but asks if I’d like to go out for a coffee. He also says it’s creepy that he is messaging me when I am only 100 feet away from him… For fuck sake!! Yes it is creepy & I don’t want to go out for coffee with him. He was a wife/partner whatever, I am not getting involved with another married man again. Besides, I am not interested. Fuck off… Where are the single men?

Since then he messaged me “hey lady” urgh, I shudder… So gross… & talks about our horrible neighbours who I’m now fighting in court with the payment of the fences. Telling me they have a horrible dog staying there & someone in a caravan… Well I guess I do live in a shitty suburb in Adelaide. Can’t ask for much more than trash.

So he now follows me on tiktok, which is only posts of my dogs really, but he was looking at my profile almost everyday before he clicked follow. He usually likes every post too, so not sure how I feel about that, but oh well. He’s fairly harmless I guess…

Disabled Neighbour: I’m surprised I haven’t written about this guy to be honest. This guy lives a few houses away & right on the corner of the road that gets you out of my area, so there is no need, absolutely no need to drive past my house. But he does every single day, multiple times a day. So ages ago he put his business card in my letter box to mow my lawns. Then he’s popped by to ask to mow my lawns which I declined because I found another guy & thought it was weird that he only targeted me to mow my lawns, which aren’t even that bad, so was like he was trolling the neighbourhood for jobs. Mine was no worse than anyone else in the neighbourhood that he didn’t ask. When he was asking to mow my lawns he told me he’d had a car accident & had a brain injury – not sure if that was a ploy to get me to feel sorry for him but there is something off about this guy & I don’t want him mowing my lawns & in my backyard alone. He’s still driving and functioning so clearly it’s not that bad of a brain injury & he’s just giving off creepy vibe. He has a wife/partner & two little kids. I’m 100% not feeling good with this guy.

One day I pull in the driveway & am walking inside when he drives past. Nothing special about that except as I am getting the dogs fed and sorting out stuff, there is a knock at the door. Flustered I run to the door & it’s this guy asking if I need my lawns mowed, which I say no I don’t. He asks if I am single, which I stupidly say yes, just me & the dogs. He then tells me that I am “really beautiful” & asks me out for a coffee. I politely decline & he leaves easier than I expect him too. He now just waves when I drive past – because he is ALWAYS in his car or out the front of his house which is weird. So I haven’t had this guy come back thank god, but when I am out the front working on the weekends, he will drive past, do a u-turn & drive back past – which is fucking creepy!

Why do my neighbours haven’t to be so creepy, both asking my out for coffee, this is my forever home, I do not want to have to move because I am not safe here!

M8: This guy got a total of 6 posts M8 #2, M8 #3, M8 #4, M8 #5 & M8 #6. But when you think about it, nothing really happened with him, I mean we had mediocre sex twice and that was kinda it. I will openly admit that I thought this guy was different & I let my guard down very quickly with him, just enjoying spending time with him when he was doing work at my house. Because of the things he was saying to our mutual friend, that this guy was seriously interested in me & wanted to actually date me! How stupid I was… This is why I never let my guard down! But anyway since then, he’s still got me on snapchat & every now & then we message, he has asked multiple times if I would sleep with him again, which I just am flirty with him but it never happens, I don’t really want it because I did actually have an attraction to this guy. He posts snaps of the desert so I assume he’s working away again, so I never try to catch up with him.

So after the second time we slept together, I don’t see him again, which I am ok with, I don’t know that it’s wise with this one anyway, I did like him & he played me – more than I’ve been played before. Shortly after, maybe a few months after we saw each other, I find out though our mutual friend that his 18 year old (she’s probably 20 or 21 by now) baby mumma is pregnant again with his fifth kid, second one with her. I don’t engage much with him, but I do chat with him on snapchat sporadically. He comments on my posts & sometimes sends me a picture of a animal that’s become my icon, I guess. It might be a licence plate with the words or a real one or even just something he saw – which is what I love about having an icon because anyone who knows what it is, can’t look at one & not think of me!

Anyway I don’t engage in the catch up talk, I always say that it’s open or something like that, which I am almost certain, is what he wants, just to know that I am an option for him if he wants it. I’m not sure but I guess its obvious because every time he’s home, I never get massages from him. It’s all good, I don’t think I would bother catching up with him anyway!

I guess that’s what I get…

#IBD4U

I usually write as things happen & post in retrospectively, because nothing is happening, my life is pretty boring, here is a recent story. My life consists of work, sleep, eat, repeat. There is no real dating or talking to new men – old ones keep popping up, but there’s no new juicy stories, nothing exciting has been happening. So the other Saturday night, 9 March, I am in bed with the dogs when I get a text message at 10:15pm saying “Hey hey how you doing whats going on tonight??” I think about what I should reply, I don’t have the number saved in my phone. I am in a sassy mood, so not about to stuff around with a reply that tells them that I am good and apologises for not having their number in my phone etc, so I just say “Who is this?” They reply “Ahhh Creep lol” Righto, so he actually says his name, which is slightly obscure so I think, who the fuck is this?

My sass makes me reply “And who do you think I am?”  as I don’t know anyone with that name, I can’t even remember a time I have met anyone with that name or have heard anyone talk about someone with that name. When he replies “Honestly I have no idea whos number this is I’m just board and trying to do anything other than think about my ex haha” then I get “I apologise” Jeez mate, let it all out!

“Oh awesome… It’s just what every woman wants – to be a rebound for someone hung up on their ex.” Like I cannot wait to be yet another option for a guy, who will probably just go back to their ex in the end anyway! He replies with 3 messages “Hahaha yeah dream boat. Lol. On the plus side you are a woman haha.” This can’t be a random wrong number or a random ‘I typed numbers in my phone & just happened to get someone of the opposite sex.’ I think this is bullshit. This person knows who I am & is backing away because I don’t know who they are… “And I was just sitting here at 10:25pm thinking I’m looking for a red flag… Well you found me.” I get a quick succession of texts back “Hahaha. Are you busy? At 10:25. Lol. I’m sorry for bothering you.” Like why say that if you clearly started me messaging me late at night, when you probably know who I am & seemingly hoping for a booty call. 10 minutes later when I haven’t replied, I get a topless torso picture followed by “This is me lol might aswell make a real jack ass of my self lol” OMG. He’s a white slim guy with defined pecs that are a little hairy. My first reaction is that I don’t remember this person – so I haven’t fucked him before. I also inspect the background which isn’t much, he’s taking up most of the photo however I can sort of tell he’s in a bathroom & it may be that there are kids toys in the bath. It’s very hard to tell. Is this another married guy? Or seemingly recently separated?

“ok can I be honest with you because YOLO??” Oh here we go, I actually reply ‘sure’ & he asks if I am single because if not he’ll leave me alone, no dramas at all. I tell him that I am single & he says cool. OMG, this guy is annoying. I ask “So what do you have to be honest about??” because clearly he isn’t going to offer up this information now. “I’ve met you before and think your cute but have not been single until recently…” As if we didn’t see that coming, that this guy knows who I am… But where the fuck from?! I never give out my number! “Where?” I do not know anyone with his name, “We’ve met only very briefly. Though a friend of mine.” Even more unbelievable because I haven’t been out in forever & I haven’t been introduced to anyone recently through a friend. “And I gave you my number??” because I know for a fucking fact that I did not give my number out… When he says that he asked for my number, I don’t even think about this guy that I met a few weeks back at my work drinks – I barely spoke to the guy but the next day my boss says something about his mate asking him for my number. My boss said he was a bit of a player, so he said if he was a nice guy he would’ve but I said he was probably too young for me anyway. I didn’t even remember that till I started writing this post so it can’t be that guy, but that’s the only ‘friend of a friend’ meeting that I’ve had in forever, like years. So I ask where & he says though work. I ask where, but I started a new job & have been using my personal number until I asked for a work number, but this is my personal number not work number & I don’t recall a friend introducing me to someone though work… WHAT? Is it though a friend or work? “I’m overstepping boundaries id say. Lol” Yeah I’ll say, because you’re being evasive & creepy. I ask where again & he says “I done some work at your place a while back… Like I said yolo.” Ummmm… WTF!

Firstly, my reno finished almost a year ago, I haven’t had tradies at my house in a long time. Most of the guys who did work for me that would have my number are saved in my phone because I was contacting them a lot at the time, except for those who worked for someone/company. So why isn’t this guy in my phone?! How did he get my number if I didn’t give it to him… I mentally go through all the tradies who worked here thinking who it could be, a few who did work here, I didn’t have their numbers because they weren’t the main contact of the job… So clearly this guy isn’t a company owner.

I ask what work to narrow it down & I get “lol I’m really not sure I should say” Well that’s even more fucking creepy, what type of fuckwit says at 11:09pm that they’ve been to your house & won’t tell you who they are? WHAT A FUCKING CREEP. I can’t help but think, is this guy out the front of my house right now texting me? I just get that vibe (& doesn’t help that all my tiktoks on my FYP are 911 calls.) so I check my front camera to see if there is anyone out there, I would fucking freak if there was, but there wasn’t. So lets just relax & probe this guy for an answer.

“Can I just say construction works… are you mad cos if so I’m really sorry.” Um, I’m not mad, but I’m fucking freaked out… What is wrong with this person? Did he really do work at my house? Seems a bit to much of a coincidence to not be true. “Either you did work at my house or you didn’t…  What work?” This is just pissing me off. “I’m sorry.. I shouldn’t have done this.” I bet this is just late night drunk, rebound texting but it’s fucking creepy. “Yeah particularly if your not going to say, you’re just a creep now.” It’s making me uncomfortable, I keep checking my camera, is this guy just going to rock up?

“That’s fair…worse case you tell my company and I lose my job… should I say??.. I guess I’ve come this far id prefer you know so at least you know who this creep is…” hmmm “i’m not a creep just saying lol. Ok so like I said I only met you very briefly.” I just send back the hand smacking the head emoji because he’s already said that shit… Why can’t he just say, clearly he’s just gone through the work computer & found my details… So many things wrong with that, first it’s been a year since I had work done, so did he get it back then or has been though the computer to find it? How long has he had it? I must’ve made an impression to get a message a year later & risk losing his job over. It’s not like he found me on facebook or found me Instagram or even tiktok, he’s actually got my number. So perhaps the owner gave it to him? I mean I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that either – the fact someone I gave my number as a customer, its such a breech of privacy. However, if his boss gave him my number, then he woudn’t be worried about me telling his company, right?

“Ok ok im sorry so id see you when doing concreting at your place I asked my mate for your number you, you seemed nice and I thought you looked good in your gym gear… I apologise” Rightio, that was the biggest job with the most number of tradies here! So that doesn’t narrow it down much, probably to about 20 guys, however they were all mainly Filipino as the owner is Filipino. This guy is white, so that narrows it down a bit further, but I only really dealt with the owner, I don’t really remember talking to anyone else & definitely don’t remember any of their faces! Also does he mean ‘his mate’ as in his boss, because the owner of that company is the only one I think I gave my number too. But then why is he scared I’ll tell the company & get him fired?!

I tell him I have no idea who he is as there were so many concreters here during that time. “hahaha fair call. I was the handsome one” I actually laugh out loud at that, I mean that’s pretty funny. “Are you going to tell my boss??” Um, should I?? “I can show my face but I don’t think you will remember me. We met very briefly.” I get a picture of his face, he’s a bit of a wranger & looks about 25-30 years old, “u would not remember me lol.” So thinking back, there was a bit of a older guy who was a wranger that was sort of more in charge than the others, I talked with him a little but don’t really remember. That guy wore a legionnaire hat, seemed a bit straight laced, not at all the type to send a shirtless picture to a random. Is this the same guy?!

I also need to go back to the gym clothes comment, because I didn’t know what work he was doing, I couldn’t work out when he would have seen me in gym clothes, because not a lot of the tradies worked weekends or late nights, so I can’t even think when I would be in gym gear during the day? In fact most mornings they rocked up, I was in my fucking oodie & uggs!! So I really don’t know how or when he would’ve seen me in gym gear… & why do guys love gym gear so much?

As I am not really attracted to his face – perhaps because of the creepy way he’s gone about getting my number, because I sure are shit didn’t give it to him & the way he’s revealed what he did at my house, being so coy & evasive about it, paired with my sassy mood, I tell him that I don’t remember him because I had tradies coming & going for about a year. I am about to tell him that I am too old for him/he’s too young for me, which would probably cue the ‘older women are hot’ type comments, but it’ll get me out of this easier… But before I can, he writes “hahaha. Would you like to get to know each other im 39. It’s late now but I mean in general. That’s ok if not.” Yeah it’s 12:23am mate, certainly not now & I hate myself that I got invested in this! “Get over your ex. Be single. Then you can text randoms you do work for.” Fuck I’m in a bitchy mood! Hahaha… But seriously, when am I going to get an emotionally available guy, not just the crumbs of a man still hung up on his ex? “haha that’s good advice.. not something I’ve done before..i’ve not been single in so long.. all good thx for entertaining my stupidity lol”  I don’t know if I should write back, I probably should leave it but I don’t, somehow I choose me & have some self-esteem, like it or not, but I say “I’m not a rebound. I’m the main event. So best sort yourself out.”  Honestly, I am sick of being treated like this by men, usually I would have kept trying to text him & probably would have tried to meet up with him, only to have him go back to his ex anyway, just as I get attached.

“Oh sorry I’m a dick…you are for sure the main event like I said I seen your gym gear haha and you got it going on house wise nice place dogs etc… I’m for sure trying to self out I don’t have a lot of friends due to ex.. I like you honest short sweet advice…” Um… Are you feeling more creeped out after that message like me? “It’s very late.. think about having a coffee sometime with me I’d really like some one to talk to and I’d like to get to know the main event.”  Yeah I don’t know how I feel about that, but I certainly don’t feel good… I put my phone down & go to sleep, it is almost 1:00am after all…

The next morning, I wake up & look at his messages, I am still in a sass – this whole interaction was not flattering, this is just fucking weird… I also have the fleeting thought, that he’s seemingly lost everything with his ex & knows I have a nice house, is he after my money?! (Well actually my debt because I have no money!) It would be very different if we had a flirty interaction when I supposedly met him & then he got my number from his boss or whatever, text me being upfront about how we met & how he got my number. But I don’t remember even talking to this guy & he’s invaded my privacy getting my number from work, he’s lied (not the first guy ever to lie to me!) but then his super creepy way of telling me who he is, making me actually a little paranoid being he knows when I live… The whole interaction has made me feel uncomfortable. I mean I know I am not safe in my forever home due to other factors that are my own fault, as you may know if you’re a long time reader, but this just adds to it.

I decide to write back to be the ultimate bitch & get rid of him “I’m not a counsellor.”  I don’t want to get to know someone so he has someone to talk to about his ex. Fuck off… I cannot stand the ex talk, especially from someone you don’t know. I also don’t want to be contacted because he’s got no friends & needs someone to talk too. Get on tinder dude & find someone, this is honestly they oddest way to make friends. “Hay the morning after the night before..yeah totally get it haha. I’d pay for your sessions haha…” Um What the actual fuck? “Sorry not funny I know.”  I don’t write back to those messages & that’s seemingly the end. It was not funny. I am not amused.

Ironically telling some friends about this story & a couple of them, I think one was my mum, said that this guy stuck his neck out to find me, a year later, that I should be flattered & give him a go. Really?! Like really?! I just don’t see it the same way… Maybe I’ve been listening to too many 911 calls on tiktok to believe that I will be safe with this guy & not end up buried under some concrete he lays on a daily basis… What do you think? Was I too harsh? Or was this completely as fucked up as I think it was?

#IBD4U

I never thought this guy would ever get a 4th post. I mean he has ghosted me twice when we’ve dated & when he did work for me on my house, not only did he break my hot water service, but he was wearing a wedding ring & denied being married, but afterwards he’d told me many times that he’d wanted to “push me against the wall & do what he wanted with me” & also that we’d have a very fiery relationship “when” we’re together. I always say, “yeah well, we’ll never know” but he comes back with comments like “it’ll happen” or “all in good time” either implying that we will be together in the future – I guess when he gets his second divorce or is he just dangling the carrot, in the hopes I never find someone & he can use me as a back up?

So he’s on my Facebook – which I believe is his fake account as he always takes so long to reply if he has a conversation on there – which isn’t often as he’s also on my snapchat & that’s where he talks to me the most. He also recently started following me on TikTok which is just videos of my dogs!

I’m not really sure why, but one day on Facebook, groups suggestions start popping up for me… There are groups that are basically naming & shaming men they’ve dated or are dating (Lucky this wasn’t a thing in the height of my dating career!). I joined a few, but in my opinion, I actually find just full of fucking crazy untrusting women, but I peruse them just to see if there is a guy I have ever dated in the feed, which there isn’t but I don’t go scrolling too far back because who can be bothered with that.

In my short time in the groups, women who haven’t even spoken to the guy yet – yes they just matched on whatever app, but haven’t chatted yet, post the guys picture & ask for “Any Tea?” or worse “Any ☕?” WTF! The funniest part is that they are happy to post a poor unsuspecting guys photo for everyone to analyse, but they then say “His name starts with ‘*'” Like really?! You’ve posted his fucking profile but you won’t say his name?! Are these women for real?

Can you imagine if there was an equivalent guy page & these women were posted? OMG the women’s rights quotes would be rife! There would be reports to Facebook going 100 miles per hour!

So some of these women don’t even see what is the deal with the guy before they are posting in the groups – some of them in multiple groups because they mention them & trying to get dirt on someone they haven’t even dated, or talked too. There are lots of anonymous posting & a lot of “Posting for my friend” & my favourite “How do I find my partner/husband/boyfriend?”

What’s that saying? One mans trash is another mans treasure! So what is a red flag for you, might not be for the next person… Maybe he cheated on you but won’t cheat on the next woman. Sometimes people actually grow up & with the right partner, they do change. So posting that he is a jerk or he cheated or he has mummy issues, may have been correct while you dated him, but doesn’t mean that is who he is…

Lots of people posting that a man – complete with picture but only his initial, was violent, has been to jail, has a DV history etc. Not to take anything away from anyone who has been in a DV situation, but are these women just out to get the guy in trouble because they are butt hurt he didn’t want them? Or did the guy actually do something & this is an excellent public service announcement. I may never know the answer to that, but I am not 100% sure this is appropriate.

These groups honestly make me want to scream “HOW THE FUCK AM I STILL SINGLE!”

But one group, I see Plumber (remember also known as Foodland #2!) come up, using his Facebook fake profile photo that he’s friends with me on, curious I read the post as it’s posted by an admin… It’s a ‘feel good story’ – apparently, a nice single guy who is looking for a partner & she will set it up if anyone is interested! OMFG. The girls are frothing over the photo – which is kinda out of focus & not his best pic, but they are all excited about the fact that it’s ‘a nice guy.’ Fuck these women are cooked! Everyone is posting asking for his details & I am scrolling the comments wondering if I should burst their bubble or let it go…

Clearly you know what I did because otherwise there wouldn’t be a blog post right. I message him on snapchat, “I hear your single” & then I post a comment letting them all know, as far as I know, he lied to me about being married (Maybe he’s not but what guy ‘likes’ wearing a wedding ring when not married? Happy to be proven wrong here!) I expect that I am going to be deleted for the comment or have the comment deleted because it was posted by admin after all – they can’t be proven wrong! I wasn’t rude or anything nor did I call him any names, I just said how long I’ve known him (since high school days) & that’s he’s on all my social medias, but pretty sure he’s not being 100% truthful.

Of course, like any jerk, Plumber reads my message on snapchat & doesn’t reply, then proceeds to continue to look at my daily stories & TikToks. Clearly we aren’t going to be together, like he said we would! Bahahaha… These blokes are just as cooked at the women… I think I have made the right decision just keeping to myself & the dogs!

#IBD4U

I love that time, very early on when you meet someone & they use the terms ‘we’ & ‘us’ or maybe even ‘together’ & even though you are now ADHD medicated, it doesn’t stop your brain from over thinking, so you start planning… Planning your future. Planning your meet cute. Planning your life… Your life with him.

You meet on fucking stupid snapchat & their first photo is super cute, but he’s wearing sunglasses so you can’t tell if he is actually cute or a beat under the glasses… But you chat anyway, he’s 35 from Melbourne but travels for work & is coming to Adelaide in January (It’s currently early November) but the next picture he sends, you get has serial killer vibes.. But you keep chatting as he seems mostly normal.

You chat about how inappropriate dick pics are particularly when they come at you without even so much as a hello when you add them. You chat about work & life but nothing too deep, right. You confirm single status, no kids & just a dog. Same same. He doesn’t lose his shit when you save his pictures to your chat or change the chat history to delete immediately – usually a sign of being married.

He asks if he can see you in January when he’s working in Adelaide & the cynical side of you knows that he won’t be talking to you by then, so you explain – without actually telling the random stranger about your weird rule of not messaging first – that he’ll need to put in the effort but your optimistic side, says yes you are open to it. He says that he’s looking forward to visiting in January now. You ask if he can be interested for that long & he says sure, why not, you say ok & he doesn’t reply till 11:15am the next morning with a “How is your day gorgeous lady.”

When he questions how he made the cut when you tell him that you delete people very quickly from snapchat, you explain that he didn’t send a dick pic, he was over 30 but under 50, he didn’t say he loves older women, he didn’t say you’re too far and didn’t say you look good for 42. He says you won’t get dick pics unless asked & he says he’s not that much younger than you so he puts your mind at ease.

He replies to all your stories, telling you how cute you are or how amazing your dogs are. He sends picture after picture of his ‘movember’ moustache & one where he has a very cute smile that you tell him he’s cute… He’s putting in effort, so maybe this guy is different, I mean it only takes one guy to be different than all the rest, right? & so you find yourself actually starting to put in some effort too.

Now of course it’s only about day 2, maybe 3 of chatting semi regularly with this guy, but because you add 50+ randoms a day, you decide to pin his conversation to the top. He sits there proudly, at the top of your list so you can see when he’s opened it & see when he’s replying without getting lost in the pool of douches…

This is the time where butterflies fly around your tummy when he messages you – well maybe not quite butterflies, but you like seeing his name pop up that he’s typing & that he’s sent a chat… It’s exciting & makes you start thinking perhaps he could move to Adelaide since he’ll be here for work then & perhaps could be based here. Or you think that since you’re looking for a new job role that you could move to Melbourne.

Obviously men come & go so quickly from snapchat random adds so you never get a chance in your anti social world to tell anyone about this one. But one night you’re with a client, this one not really a true friend (yet) is over & you tell her that you’ve been messaging him most of the day, he’s sent a gym pic & it’s going well.

She tells you that she didn’t last long adding the randoms on snapchat after I told her I was & so you share some stories with her. You bring up J-Licious & tell her about him & that you’re keen to meet him & when you’re done with her lashes, you show her a pic & she agrees that he’s cute. You tell her you’re a bit worried since you’ve been talking about work that you’re coming across negative (this was right before they fired me!) so you make sure you lighten the work search conversation when you reply to his last message.

That night, yes that very same night. He only sends about two messages – about finding you a job at his work (as he says your eyes should get you a job with no problem & that he’d hire you in a heartbeat) & then doesn’t read your reply all evening. That’s ok, he’s been on night shift maybe he went to bed early. However in the morning for some fucked reason you wake up at 5:00am & check that he hasn’t seen your message or replied. He hasn’t looked at your story either.

But something inside you knows… Something isn’t right. A couple of hours more of insomnia & your alarm goes off, you look back at your snapchat & he hasn’t opened your message but he’s looked at your story… Hmmmm. Ok. You click on the chat with him, for what reason you don’t know. But when you click out of it, it says opened 22 minutes ago. What the actual fuck.

Ok so you don’t want to jump to conclusions here but what could have possibly changed in 12 hours to leave you on read. It’s uncharacteristic for him – even if you have only been chatting a couple of days…

You understand that he’s probably adding profile after profile, afterall he did add you as a random. But he’s suggested chatting for the next two months with the possibility of stealing a kiss – yes you heard him say that. So even if he is talking to other women, unless they went exclusive overnight, then surely he would keep dangling the carrot. Not that you want the carrot dangled. But you want to understand what happens in this scenario.

As you write him off for looking at your story & not messaging you for hours, he messages & asks how you are. You say you’re good & ask how he is, he says good & then you don’t reply because what are you going to reply, clearly this guy doesn’t want to chat to you. Later when you post a story he replies & then when you chat a bit, he says that he still wants to kiss you. You tell him that he doesn’t seem interested because he hasn’t chatted, but he says that he thinks you’re not interested. You wonder what the fuck you’re doing to make guys think that you’re not interested in them.

One night it’s his Christmas party so you don’t hear from him, which is fine, you understand he is out but think you might get some drunken messages. But you don’t. The next day though you get some hung over horny messages which include pictures, not of his dick but him pulling down his pants, you guess this is a test for you to beg for a photo, which you don’t. He sends a full dick pic after you had just reexplained that you didn’t want to send naughty pics because you don’t want to be “that girl,” knowing that once you send some pics, he’ll lose interest also – considering you still have two months before you’re going to be in the same state. You don’t really reply to those messages and he apologises for being hung over and horny.

You do recover from these weird conversations & you continue to chat & chat & chat. It’s nothing ever substantial, like in depth but you are getting to know the guy. When you get on the topic of where he lives again & it’s actually in Torquay, not Melbourne. You have had a job interview & someone who interviewed you is based in Melbourne, so he says that you could move. Of course it’s too early to even think of that, being you haven’t even met this guy in real life so you say that you aren’t moving with a “Hahaha,” but in your mind you mean that you aren’t moving for this job but that’s where things take a turn.

He doesn’t write back or initiate conversation for two days after this ‘moving’ conversation. You’ve posted stories on snapchat & he’s looked at them, but he’s not even said hello, so you don’t either assuming that he doesn’t want to talk to you & as predicted, he’s pulling away. Two days later, J-Licious has deleted you. You feel foolish for yet again, thinking that this one was different.

#IBD4U

Fucking random adds in snapchat continues…

#IBD4U

Who knew snapchat random add was the place to meet people & the 2023 dating app of the year??

#IBD4U

Today is a fitting date for this post… I wasn’t sure I even wanted to keep writing this story, to be honest, I haven’t been writing it or keeping a record of anything until recently – something inside me has said ‘Update that timeline #IBD4U.’ WTF is that little voice about?! So you haven’t had an official update on Marvel since Feb 2023 which was basically catching up to about that time in real life.

Honestly, I think I haven’t written this because I don’t want you to hate me, I also don’t want you to hate him. Though there are days where I hate him, like today when I messaged yesterday & asked “Are you going to ignore my availability?” when I’d given him a few times he could see me this week & next, he read it & then didn’t reply…

We’d moved over to snapchat as he has a hidden account on there, which I end up changing his stupid nickname he made up to his actual full name – which helps somehow, no cute name. No nick name, just his full unabbreviated name… After the chat app went completely ad crazy every time you open it & he’d has issue which is why he didn’t see me in January 2023, so he’d asked for my snapchat when he saw me next & we migrated over to that. I have actually barely been on the chat app since & honestly don’t even look at it…

That night though waiting for his reply, seeing he read my direct question & ignored it almost 24 hours ago, I stupidly look at the chat app & see he’s chatted nine days ago in a group I own. I know he enjoys chatting & that he still chats on the chat app, this is not news to me, but it kinda catches me off guard. I’m not upset about it, like I said he likes chatting… It makes me wonder though… Wonderment is not a good place to be for an overthinker! For some reason, I think about the anonymous app…  I haven’t had it for ages, perhaps even over a year?! Mainly because it stopped working for me, I deleted it & it wasn’t in the play store so I just gave up on it. I work out how to add the anonymous app back on my new phone, as it’s still not in the play store, I have to download it from a website… I open it up & who is the first fucking post on my ‘nearby’ tab only nine hours ago? Oh yeah, Marvel, “Anyone from Adelaide for a chat? Str8 guy here 38” Like fuck mate. Just fuck. Why do I do this to myself? This is why I hate stalking…

Of course I send a chat to him with this new account – last time I chatted to him on the anonymous (probably back in 2020ish!) app before it fucked up for me, I’m 99% sure he knew it was me that was always replying to his posts, we’d chat for a bit then he’d stop, post another post, I’d change my name & chat to him for a few days till he just stopped… He moved on quickly so he didn’t get attached. It was nothing of note to be honest, jut me stupidly trying to get a snippet of his time & also trying to show him that the women out there that he is still trolling for are not all they’re cracked up to be… (I may have needed some professional help at that point!! Hahaha)

But with a brand new account & the fact I’ve told him in real life that I don’t have the anonymous app as it fucked up, he never confirms or denies that it works for him… So this time he doesn’t know it’s me, he won’t suspect it… I’m not gonna play with him & get intimate details out of him, though I have those intrusive thoughts about doing that to him but if I wanted to know I would ask him directly, but to be perfectly honest… I really don’t want to know anymore. Later the next night, still no reply to my direct question snapchat message, yet he actually messages my fake persona on the anonymous app… URGH! He only messages twice before he doesn’t ever reply again…

Anyway, hahaha that’s a long winded intro about the happenings, but as you all know, I have been turning my blog posts into E-books, of sorts. This meant, to do this, I had to download every fucking blog post – all 539 of them!! What a nightmare that was, it wasn’t as easy as clicking download… I had to copy & paste from WordPress to a word document for every fucking post! I put them all in one giant document but copied & pasted the significant men posts into their own ‘collection’ document which will become an E-book. Well of course, Noodle has an E-book. I wasn’t going to read it/edit it/skim it, I thought it would be too depressing, too hard, seeing the good, the bad, the ugly… But I started & I couldn’t stop reading it.

134,505 words.

302 A4 pages.

Let’s just say that it was an interesting read, it’s also the first time that I have read that story since posting it, in its entirety. No filler posts. Just Noodle after Noodle post. I can see why I fell for him, I can see why I was so stubborn! FUCK was I stubborn! It’s like a car crash that I can’t look away from. It’s not as depressing as I thought, but fuck it’s not easy to read it, reading the real quotes of messages that we sent each other…

Of course, I make up other E-books (all yet to be published & edited) for Milky, Max, Origin, Elvis, Boyfriend, Crows, Dom Dom, Erotica, I leave them all unedited & instead I read Silverlining…

88,198 words.

198 A4 pages.

Another fucking car crash, like an epic car crash… It makes me wonder if I was medicated for my ADHD, would I have been so irrational those final days? Things may still be the same, I’m not going to pretend that it would have changed anything, I mean, the man married her ten days after fucking me on their couch, however, would I have been different… Would I have been strong when five months later he was presented to me again & I still chose to have one more hit, just like a junkie.

I make up further E-books for the men after Silverlining – Noddy, Motocross, Eastwood, Daizy, M8, T**y, the fiction Fleaz then I’m onto reading Marvel, while the story isn’t finished obviously as I am currently writing #15, up to #14 is in the E-book…. I read…

15,997 words.

55 A4 pages.

It’s not finished. It’s not over… It goes on & on, it’s like the song that doesn’t end… So after reading a combined 555 pages which depicts our six year liaison over three separate affairs, I should be rocking back & forth in a corner, being medicated with the worlds strongest sedatives, but instead I feel empowered… I can see the relationship clearly now, finally after all this time. I can see the part I played & the emotional destruction for all the parties involved… Even six years later, I feel the raw emotion in my posts, I feel it with everything inside me, even if I am a stone.

I have to be honest here, because I don’t doubt what we had, doubt is the wrong word, but there is something that makes me start filling out the timeline for 2023 & randomly asking Shark, “Do you genuinely think Noodle loved me?” I ask him as he saw us in the chat groups together & I still chat to him every now & then, I need to know if it was all in my head? Did I make up this love story? Re-reading all the other stories I am turning into into E-books, I fucking made most of them into something bigger than they were… Fuck Motocross, M8 & Noddy! (Though I don’t think I’m 100% to blame there, those three men were smooth talkers & sucked me in! Plus they were keen as a bean till they weren’t!) Shark says he can’t answer that because he doesn’t know. I rephrase the question like any good lawyer, “Do you think he was just playing me or was he genuine?” I know the real answer & I’m pretty sure I know the answer that Shark will give me… “I’m sorry #IBD4U I think he was just using you to stroke his own ego… If he was madly in love with you he would have grown some fucking balls and either left his wife or broke it off with you and cut ties so you could heal and move on… either way I think he’s a selfish egotistical cunt cos he’s done nothing to help you.” Sigh.

I asked for that answer… Maybe Noodle didn’t love me, maybe he made stupid choices, maybe I am an absolute idiot, but have you ever had to see something through, even though you know it’s not right? I haven’t been sent, by the universe, any other great love, any other decent man since Noodle/Silverlining/Marvel, I have dipshit after dipshit, even when I do let my guard down, I have given some of these men no reason for them to think I am not into them…

I recently went to see Papa Roach in Adelaide – it was the best fucking concert I have ever been too without a doubt… I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t on drugs, I had two drinks & had an amazing time. I got pulled into the circle mosh, (basically a mosh pit where everyone is just running in circles.) sang at the top of my lungs & danced like there was no tomorrow… I won’t lie, the whole time I was there, I was on the look out for Marvel with his wife in tow. I never saw either of them, but that didn’t stop me from making sure that I looked cute as fuck in a pair of tight jeans, a white DKNY jumper, hair extensions & a pair or white sneakers… White jumpers & long blonde hair is not something you wear to a rock emo concert, but I do, I like to stand out… Also just in case she saw me. What a wasted effort on a woman I didn’t even see! Hahaha.

Despite this, I have obviously heard the song many times before that night on their new album, but what’s that saying about a cord hitting home?! Struck a chord? Or hit home? Whatever it is…. This song did it that night. It is actually about suicide prevention & Jacoby even does a spiel about the song before they start – I saw him on Tik Tok, he gives a similar spiel at every concert including Adelaide, he’s very passionate about mental health. So while the song has an amazing, powerful message, (that I urge anyone to seek medical help if you need it for your mental or physical health.) about suicide prevention, it’s about something completely different for me. I listen, really listen for the first time at the concert, singing along to all the words & maybe because he’s been on my mind all evening, but I think about Noodle. Yes Noodle. Not Marvel. Not Silverlining. Noodle… I will always leave the light on for Noodle to come back to me.

Papa Roach – I’ll leave a light on

I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t expect any positive comments on this blog whatsoever… Maybe that why people don’t comment on my posts as much as they used too…  Maybe that’s why I haven’t done an update on this story – on the sex, on the conversations in text & in person… But despite Marvel’s fucking risky little games of reading messages & not writing back or even having any form of a proper conversation with me- he doesn’t know the intrusive thoughts I have about going to her work or being an absolute nutcase… Despite this… Despite what Shark thinks… Despite what you think…

I love him.

So for Noodle… My light outside is always on… He can always reach me…

I will be there for him, if he drifts too far…

#IBD4U

While reading my past relationships – can I even call them that? Were they just Situationships, textationships, FWBships… Well whatever they were, they were a part of my life & a part of me & who I’ve become… For the purposes of this blog, we’ll refer to them as relationships.

As I read the hundreds of stories, some of them for the first time since I published them, I had cringe moments of what the fuck was I thinking & why did I do that? Or why did I say that? I have so many questions about my actions, my part in the stories. & so many moments where in the moment, I felt like I was justified but reading back (& probably how you reacted) I just wonder if the whole sliding doors theory would’ve changed my whole life with one different decision.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing right? I can’t undo anything I’ve done & honestly would I change it? Maybe not, because then I wouldn’t be who I am… Which I feel is a pretty decent person. I’m not the best friend who writes back or makes plans – for those friends reading thinking that – but I mean I work hard, I’m honest & now I like to keep to myself with dogs.

So as I read the stories, I knew I wasn’t looking for anything, any significant things that stand out to make me a better person or change the way I am. After all these years, though I still have similar questions that I rhetorically asked in the blog posts… Why did he do that to me? Why did he say that? Why did that happened that way? & the big one, why the fuck am I still single?

This piece of social media gold, popped up in the form of a Tik Tok. I do follow Mel Robbins as she has a lot of good advice. This one in particular resonated as I read all of my blogs…

You already have closure – Their lack of honesty was closure. The way they treated you was closure. The fact that you don’t have an explanation is closure. The disrespect is closure.

So next is just a bit of advice that came up on my FB feed, I am not 100% sure who Cody Brett is but he seems like some sort if relationship coach. His website is unclear – there is nothing in the about me. However this came to me via a ‘for you’ post on FB & I read it & it resonated with me.

#IBD4U

Another round of snapchat screenshots. I add almost everyone that adds me to snapchat. Usually as I’ve said before they either don’t message me at all or they send something stupid & get blocked… It never lasts very long, let’s be honest!

#IBD4U

You’re all familiar with the term FiFo? Fly in – Fly out? A transient worker who usually does two weeks on, one week off. Getting flown to the job site (usually a mine or something) then having to stay in the camp. That’s this guy, usually they seem to be diesel mechanics, but I have no idea what this guy does! Hahaha… One day he does send me snaps of him in a tractor & he says he’s moving poo. I ask if it’s actual poo & he just replies poo. Rightio then!

We chat for almost two weeks pretty regularly, he replies to all my snaps and keeps the conversation going when I stop talking to him. He keeps talking about catching up when he gets home & I actually think that I am going to meet this guy, he’s not ugly, he’s 38 & lives in Adelaide, so why not. Didn’t my lash lady say her best friend met her partner on snapchat random add! This could be the guy…

I honestly don’t remember much on the conversation, as you know Snapchat delete after 24 hours & if you chat a lot, I forget to go back & copy it. You can’t screenshot it without them knowing too. So I never know who is going to be blog worthy to start writing about & when I realise they are blog worthy, I have forgotten what we’ve talked about!

So this one night, he kind of has a meltdown! All he’s written to me all day is that he’ll be home in nine days & that he’s going to see my ‘fanny’, yes, fanny! I tell him about 30+ times to stop calling it my fanny but he keeps going, like it’s not even funny dude… My family have been at my house so I just don’t reply to his ridiculous messages. He’s obviously back in his room & bored, so messages me about my fanny. But he cracks it cos I don’t reply.

The last few days too, his messages have just be repetitive. On the Saturday, he sends one word messages, I don’t even remember why but he keeps saying “Everything.” The day before that, he keeps calling me a “meanie” because I wouldn’t send him pictures – probably of my fanny, but doesn’t really engage in conversation, even when I try. Why am I trying with this guy?!

For some reason, one night he asks me to call him but I say no & he says I’m obviously not interested – not because I won’t call but because I haven’t chatted much. I just say that I’m not even sure what to reply to half his one word messages, that he’s not given me much to reply too, so what doesn’t he want from me? He says something about me being away, which he knows I wasn’t as I snapped pictures of me & the dogs on the beach, so I have no clue what this guy is on… He says something else, which I don’t get to see because he deletes me from snapchat.

Stupidly I decide to send him a text as he’s given me his number. He replies & tells me that I’ve not given him a chance, so I’ll never know – I mean we have been chatting so I have been giving him a chance. He tells me that I’m stuck up but that means I have brains & says cheers for the extra loneliness. Are you fucking kidding me??? I reply that all he’d said to me that day was basically “fanny” – even though I asked him not to call it that or keep saying it or he called me “meanie.” I mean what I am supposed to write back to those captivating messages? Now even this blog is getting repetitive like him!

I head back to snapchat to screenshot & block him but he’s added me back… Bahahaha! What the actual fuck. I just leave him there, but I don’t delete him. I wake up to a text message that says “I was only joking around bloody hell” but I don’t think that he was joking at all… This guy is away for work & I bet he gets like me when I am away for work – you get over it quickly! He doesn’t text me or snapchat me at all after that…

A few days or so later, he’s deleted me again, so I block him & think that is the end, he deleted me right, so he won’t use my number… But of course he does… I have him saved in my phone as ‘Do Not Answer’ & when it comes up on my watch I think, who the fuck is this, then I remember. He says “I’m sorry” then I get “I still want to see you” & then he sends about 20 minutes later “#IBD4U.” I don’t click on them to mark them as read but think he’s iPhone & I’m android so he won’t be able to see if I read them or not. I don’t reply. I am not interested in whatever this guy has to offer.

#IBD4U

In my infinite wisdom just before my ADHD medication starts, just before I am diagnosed, things aren’t great at my job, I’ve been there 2.5 years at this point & things haven’t improved & I honestly cannot see them improving so I start looking for another job, one with more money & career progression… I’m not applying for every job because I don’t hate my job, I’m looking at ones that interest me.

A job comes up in the same industry & the same job only seemingly a step up to have ‘manager’ in the title, I apply & get a zoom interview. The guy who will seemingly be my boss calls me in the next few days to see how I feel about the role. I explain it’s a lot less money & it doesn’t come with a car, so I have to upgrade my shitty old 2001 car as I’ve basically had a brand new work car for 10 years. He explains there is a $15k upfront allowance & I’ll just have to keep receipts or the govt will charge me tax on the remaining amount at tax time. I think that’s a fucking weird way to pay an allowance, but I think of how this will help out buying a new car. I am also concerned about the drop in actual pay rate, not just the car, but he assures me that commission structure that he’s set up is super achievable & within a month or two I will be consistently making commission which means I will be earning a lot more than I do now, even including the loss of the perk of a car.

We also discuss the fact I don’t want to be stuck doing the administration side of the role, which is what the commission is based on, but he assures me that there is plenty of support & I won’t be doing that for long either. I mean that would take my career back three years if I had to start doing that part of the job again… He reassures me that this role is the progression & money I am looking for. I think if I have the $15k for a new car, then I won’t have an issue there, then I can live a couple of months on a lower pay until the commissions kick in. I read my contract & stupidly I sign without actually taking it ALL in… I signed with the thrill of a new job, new position title & the prospect of achieving great things!

I can see the opportunity with this new company for the career progression I am seeking, that I take the leap & quit my job. I quit a job that I like, that I got at a time I was unemployed & thinking I wouldn’t never work again, but when my reputation is always at stake in this role – I offer something & they never deliver so I’m the one that looks like the fuck wit over & over again, having to dribble shit to cover someone’s ass, I am fed up. Not only that, I haven’t actually made that many friends there. Of course I made friends, but it was an even more solitary role than my previous one, as I had no team of my own & didn’t fit in with the other teams (work wise) so I was always on the out, if that makes sense. There is a severe lack of leadership at that workplace, no one is managing, even if they are a manager. Incidents are just glossed over & never dealt with. It’s a bit of shemozzle.

My soon to be new boss discusses his travel plans to come to Adelaide to be with me for the first three days then I’ll work from home two days. He doesn’t actually say it’s a work from home job, or provide me with start or finish times, so I just figure I’ll be there when he fly’s in on the Monday. I have a week off between the jobs because it’s my birthday & while I am actually turning 42, I am finished with my reno & covid isn’t fucking up the party plans, that I’m finally having my 40th party.

In my notice period, I have four days left, I am honestly working so hard to hand over everything but they are making it so easy to leave… I realise how much I do, when I hear on the grapevine that my role is being split into two people. Yeah fuck you! However, I get a text from my soon to be new boss saying he is finishing up with the organisation effective immediately. He says I’m going to smash the role & to have a happy birthday. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I freak out of course, I find the email address of the other dude who interviewed me to basically say ‘please explain.’ He calls me & says that if he knew that guy was going to text he would’ve called straight away. He asks if I am open to travel (I assume no one wanted to come induct me in Adelaide), which I say I can & so next minute he’s booking me on the same flight as my friend who’s been in Adelaide for my Birthday.

Ok what’s all this got to do with a boy? Well nothing really, except how I ended up in Brisbane. Bahaha. So this is also around the time I am adding every random add on Snapchat – you can follow along with the snapchat screenshot blogs! I have added a few people while in Brisbane for work, chatting in the street waiting for my new boss – who is the General Manager to pick me up from the hotel, I am chatting nicely to a guy & then bam dick video… Hmmm thanks mate! He says ‘whoops accident’ but it’s too late, he’s been blocked.

The week in Brisbane is uneventful, I found out the gossip that the manager that hired me, was actually fired in his probation as he was a bully, so maybe it’s for the best that he was let go? But the week is a shambles. No one really does anything with me at all…. I don’t know if I’m supposed to buy my own food or what. I don’t know what the start & finish times are & to top it off, Wednesday in Brisbane is a public holiday. A chick works but all we do is go out to lunch. At the end of my first week, I barely even know what my role is or what is expected of me…

I get shoved in an Uber on Friday midday for the airport, as I am almost there, I add some more randoms & someone comes up & he’s in Brisbane, working right near the airport. I tell him too bad cos I am about to fly home. But he sends a face pic & he’s cute & can hold a conversation so I don’t delete him.

However, once I’m home it’s sporadic at best with him, initially replying to all my snap stories, then just one a week, to radio silence. I don’t delete him like I normally would maybe because he’s cute?! I don’t know… One morning I see the cake next to him name, which means it’s his birthday, I say happy birthday & he says thanks but it’s not his birthday. That sparks a chat for a couple of days but then fizzles out. No big deal. I leave him in my list despite the one to two weeks with no chats from him.

One night, I am chatting to this other guy on the regular – maybe he’s the one that needs a post hahaha, but Real Estate comes up asking how my night is, telling me how beautiful I am etc… I ask how his transition into Real Estate is going as he’s just switching jobs & he asks from my snap story why I am looking for a new job.

So I am now looking for another job. I was played by another fucking type of man, not a man I am dating but the guy who was fired, either genuinely believed what he told me or he was a fucking liar – a typical sales person. So I have dropped a significant amount of money per fortnight, there is no $15k car allowance – in fact, the car allowance is part of my salary, so technically I have really dropped even more money. (I mean how dumb am I, those who know what jobs I’ve had, know I should know better, the contract states that too FFS. But also an allowance is actually tax free, so this is not an allowance. This is just a way to pay people less.)

There is also the commission structure, which with the reputation the company has in Adelaide, that I’ve witnessed in the short time that I’ve been there, is going to be unachievable in the first year, maybe even at all. Again, I am putting a lot of pressure on my personal reputation in the industry to ensure they deliver the goods…. There are lots of things about this role that isn’t what it should be, I have basically taken a ten year hit money wise & the administration work takes three years off my career. I left for career progression & I don’t see that happening in this role, at all. All the senior managers are in Brisbane. Especially not now that I have a new manager who is your typical used car salesman, his catch phrase is – well he has several but one is, “would you like fries with that?”

What’s worse is that no one in the organisation in SA or QLD have any fucking idea what I have to do to get commission but the other staff on commission only have to get 6 per month more than me… Um they sit behind a computer all day & their leads come in through website enquiries, I’m on the road & doing 100 different things, even more so now I have this new boss, who also likes to say “What’s the pain point?” Um you are dude!

Anyway, Real Estate is listening to all of this crap & understanding how frustrated I am, I am also delving into my eating disorder & ADHD… This guy has barely chatted & now I’m oversharing like a fucking wanker?! No wonder people back off from me so easily… What is wrong with me?!

We get onto the topic of porn – what a jump from my job, I tell him the types of porn I like etc & then I think it’s coming, any second now, I’ll be confronted with his cock pic that I have to acknowledge in some positive way… Yep here it is, he sends me a snap, I look at it & it’s just his side of the bed, freed up for me apparently. Hahaha, props to Real Estate, he never sends me a dick pic.

But he disappears often – for days at a time, like is he married? I guess I’ll never know cos we’ll never meet so what does it matter? I mean I don’t initiate the chat much, so perhaps that’s it too? But I hate that whole thing of them being so chatty & then just ignore your last message for days on end… What pisses me off is that I am always available when they message me… When am I going to be the one that ignores some fuck wit for days while they sit & wonder why…?

But to top it all off, I am looking for a new job, I have been getting no where, which is really frustrating. I seek advice on resumes & cover letters which is so confusing that I think that I have fucked up my applications. On the Monday I have a small disagreement with my boss & then he makes a meeting on the Thursday with me. I attend via zoom, ready to just placate him & do as he says when he says that he won’t beat around the bush with todays meeting, they are terminating my employment in my probation as I am not the right fit for the company. FUCK. 4 weeks before Christmas, I am fucked with no prospects!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

So adding Snapchat randoms, has not been good for me or my mental health, I mean the amount of times I am asked, “What are you looking for on here?” like it’s a fucking dating app! OMG. Most of the time they are interstate & the ones in Adelaide are either not my type or married…

About 97% of the time they are just plain weird!

Here are a few screenshots of what I am now going through, as I am only using Snapchat – apparently as a dating app. Hahaha.

Yeah, why do I keep doing this to myself?!

#IBD4U

So I didn’t quite finish my Diagnosis #2 post before it posted, I forgot I scheduled it & it auto posted… This one was supposed to go up at 8:00am today, but I set it for 8:00pm! OMG.

As I was saying my lash lady has said she’d been medicated & it changed her life, so I decided to trial medication… Since posting that, I have been on medication for about three months & I can tell you that I do notice some differences, the worst side effect so far is the dry mouth which is causing a gum issue that hurts pretty much 24/7 no matter what I do for it. I freaked out, thinking I would lose my tooth but the dentist assures me that it’s not going anywhere!

Being medicated was a big decision for me, I didn’t want to lose me, lose myself & who I am… Which I haven’t – I don’t think, however I am not as fiery as I once was… (not a bad thing!) I don’t make snap decisions & writing people off as quickly as I did, even within the last three months, I am noticing this difference.  But I do feel lazier than I was…  

I didn’t realise that my lack of emotion, that my intrusive thoughts (Remember about acting crazy with a pregnancy scare for both Milky & Noodle!), how low my self esteem is & the fact I barely sleep were all part of ADHD… I always just thought I was an overthinker & high maintenance, but really I am not.. Now not all of these have resolved, maybe they won’t ever but they don’t overtake my thoughts as much since being medicated. I wonder how different I would’ve been had I been medicated years ago?

As you also know I have also been diagnosed with an Eating Disorder ‘Atypical anorexia’ which is only fairly new to the diagnostic tools, essentially you starve yourself & have obsessive traits around weight gain, body image & size, yet never looking like what society thinks is an anorexic person – severely underweight & physically looking ill.

As an atypical anorexic, I don’t eat regularly or anywhere near the calories I’m supposed too, (usually 500-1200 per day. BMR is 1439 calories. If I do eat over 1200 calories, its usually because I ate chips.) I exercise a fair bit – not as much as I used too & I obsess about how my clothes are fitting (much tighter) & what the scales say (much higher), yet no one would really know the daily struggles mentally, because I will eat a meal with people & happily eat a streak & chips while out at a restaurant. They obviously don’t see the struggle with clothes & the scales, because I don’t look ‘sick’ to them, I am just a normal woman. Peel back the layers & I am actually severely malnutritioned & struggle most days to even consider food choices, that I end up with a bag of chips, if I do eat. I don’t binge (eating excessive amounts) or purge (vomiting/laxatives), but I don’t make good food choices with meals I do have to make.

Anyway just like a typical anorexic, the recovery is difficult & the treatment plan is to eat three meals per day, which is a huge struggle for me, but also the part that my ‘health professional’ team haven’t really dealt with, is the fact I’ve put on weight, in fact I’ve put on 5kgs in a few months & there is no protocol (so far, I guess) in helping me deal with that body change, which is significant for me. I have put on weight, my clothes don’t fit & I feel awful all the time having to eat & so I wonder what the fuck am I bothering for? I was already overweight, now I am eating, spending hundreds of dollars & I’m even more overweight?

The other part of the recovery protocol is to go to a dietician, I picked one who specialises in eating disorders that was recommenced to me twice. After spending $250 on a 80 minute consult where all I took away from it was when he said, “You will never been in a small body so you just need to eat three meals a day,” I booked a follow up appointment as he was standing right there but promptly emailed to cancel.

After that, a week later I had a session with my psychologist who cost me $200, who basically said I didn’t have to come see her anymore, if I didn’t want too, “Maybe it’s not the right time for your recovery.” Right, I almost didn’t come to this appointment in the first place, now I’ve spent $200 for you to tell me not to bother…

Then I have my amazing GP who I basically have seen almost every month for ten years, but his appointment costs me $100+, (yes I get rebates as part of the ED for all but not a lot of $$) PLUS having to buy food = more $$ every week, & then having to think about food more than I ever have before, I was like what the fuck is the point… With the recovery protocol in full swing, its not like I’ve seen a significant positive change in my mood or I haven’t seen a burst of energy now I’m eating three balanced meals a day. In fact, I just feel frumpy, gross, lethargic & more self conscious that I don’t want to go out & the increase in weight is not stopping…

With ADHD it’s hard to make choices, especially when there are lots of steps. I remember someone at my old job laughing at me because I bought pre-made mashed potato. She was like, “It’s easy, you just cook the potatoes & mash them.” Well yeah, in theory that’s true but in my ADHD head, you have to buy the potatoes, peel them, cut them up, boil them (not even sure for how long), drain them, mash them, add stuff (assuming butter, salt, pepper, garlic, milk, cheese?) & then serve them along with meat & veges that you’ve also had to cook. My brain thinks about ALL the steps, they are overwhelming so I just don’t do any of them!

So I also have a new job (mid 2023), which isn’t going as great as I thought it would… The reasons I left my current job are still exactly the same in this new job… They are an old company that are rebranding with a bad reputation & I was led to believe things were much different. I am ready for the hard work & am excited about the prospects this job has but there are unattainable commissions & a huge drop in pay that are making me questions all my life choices… There is huge potential in this role but that doesn’t help me pay my bills until I can turn things around & hit the commission structure. I have a new boss, who I have talked to about this & he see’s my point, but ultimately, I signed the contract with this pay so there isn’t much he can do (though he says he is), but me look for another job.

While I haven’t officially dated anyone since my diagnosis & since being medicated, but I have just completed a Cert IV that I have been doing for almost two years in about one month. (even my trainer was like WHAT?!) I have been motivated to make the E-Book  versions of the blog… Which not only is taking so much time, but OMG, reading the stories… WTF was I thinking!! I mean I know I had dated a lot but I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted with half of them… & some of the texts I sent… FUCK. Hahahaha. I have such clarity about myself now & I cringe at some of the things I said or did, however, I guess those key men Milky, Origin, Max & Noodle, shaped me to where I am today…

Anyway, I think if I wasn’t medicated for ADHD I would be fricken peaking right now! But I am calm, I have talked to my bosses about my concerns with the job & what I was told, obviously being careful as I have no savings & no one to pay my mortgage if they get rid of me in my probation, then I am royally fucked… I have been applying for jobs, but that isn’t going great – probably because I have a job of only two months on there! But I’m not even getting a phone screening call to explain why I am looking to move on so soon. I am calm about food, I mean I just don’t worry about it as much as I was a few months ago… I have honestly gone back to barely eating & I feel ok about it & my Dr is supportive at this stage but I have given up the ED recovery with the psychologist… I am calm as I am still seeing Marvel who logs off for weeks, but it doesn’t bother me. Nothing is phasing me really, I am just going along thinking ‘somehow everything will work out!’

Just some notes: Think before you say anything to someone who might be using prepackaged foods that you think are easy to make, because you have no idea what struggles they’ve dealt with to make that meal! Also telling someone they have lost weight, might seem positive, but you have no idea why or how they have lost weight. Are they sick? Do they have an eating disorder?

I was recently sent this website. If you or someone you know is going through an ED then have a look at the site… While I am not sure about my recovery, I have signed up to the newsletter which has been helpful. https://butterfly.org.au/

After giving up with the psychologist who I did find very helpful in the beginning until she made me go to a dietician, I found a psychologist on TikTok (of all places) from Melbourne, who talks about ED & ADHD as a combined diagnosis sort of thing. I love watching her little stories, I relate to them so much that I even bought her book (which I am yet to read), listened to her podcast & even had a free 30 minute zoom consult with her – which turned out to just be a sales pitch of her $3000 program. I want to do it, but right now I don’t have that $$. https://www.mindfoodsteph.com/

So I look forward to seeing how dating goes while I’m medicated for my ADHD & am interested in how my ED progresses now that I am medicated… However the only medical professional left in my team is my amazing GP… Will things be different or the same… As always stay tuned…

#IBD4U

On a recent night where I have severe insomnia, I’m not chatting to anyone online. The internet at home is so shit that is barely runs Netflix… I haven’t been playing my stupid farm game, which I played everyday for over two years to distract me from talking to boys online… I am bored… I’ve studied this week a lot already, so I don’t want to get up & sit at my computer. It’s late. This dangerous… I feel myself thinking, ‘What are you doing?’ as I stupidly download a dating app…

As you know, if you’re a long time reader, I never usually announce the name of the dating apps I’ve used, but today, you’ll know. I was on it for a record time of about two hours, I usually delete them quickly but they last a few weeks. However, this is probably the quickest.

I start my dating app journey this night by filling in all the bullshit questions – age, height, smoking, drugs, drinking, work, school, say something about yourself, blah blah blah. Then you do the verification of your email who-ha & then verification of your profile, so you have to send a picture of you doing the pose they show you – such as putting your hand on your head.

I swear at this point, I’m already an hour into my whopping 2 hour stint on Badoo. (Whatever the fuck Badoo is!) But I press on, looking for cute photos of me to add to my profile. I always follow my advice that men should listen to & have a picture of my face & a picture of my body. Then there’s no surprises when they meet me & I’m not in a thin body like they expected from my expert-level cameraman skills.

I upload one of me at my recent birthday party, one with the dogs, one in a dress in my mirror & one of me in my car – while I’m at work about to go into a meeting, with sunglasses on. On the day that this was taken, I was wearing a black dress with a navy jacket/blazer and a pair of black Oakley sunnies. My hair is down & straight having just cut it all off up to my shoulders & a pair of  Mimco studs in my ears. The background is my car & a little of the carpark I am in, the sun is shining… It’s a snapchat picture that I saved, that actually doesn’t have a filter (which in itself is also rare). I even captioned it “Corporate #IBD4U today.”

I finish off my profile & start looking at matches, 95% of profiles pictures include either a picture of him shirtless, shirtless in bed, shirtless at the beach, shirtless at the gym, shirtless in the bathroom (Some show nipples & areola, some don’t) or wearing sunnies in the car. There are even shirtless guys wearing sunnies! OMG Scandal!

There are the usual fish holding pictures, snow or water skiing pictures, the guy holding a beer – usually in a suit at a wedding (always unclear if he’s the groom or not), or a cigarette hanging out their mouth (so sexy – there should be more cancer sticks hanging out people’s mouth in photos!) Or even better when they have a beer & cigarette to show their real class & there is even a guy sticking his finger up at the camera.

A selection of the pictures above, there were many many many more! Why have you become a phsyco bitch #IBD4U & screenshotted peoples pictures you ask? Good question. It’s almost 2am & I am fucking mad!!

So I look at my profile after getting bored looking at all the foul hairy chests with nipples & men who look like they’d give Dahmer a run for his money, I notice that my picture in the car is gone. So I upload it again & go back to looking at people ‘close to me.’

Again with the boredom of the same pictures over & over from different men (I can only assume women’s profiles are all alike too, but I’ve never searched women so I can’t comment), I look to see my car picture is gone again. I don’t know how but I then upload it twice. I check. It’s there. Twice. A few seconds later I get a notification saying my picture is inappropriate… WTF!

Enter phsyco bitch!

What the actual factual fucking fuck?!

So I look closer at my photo, it’s pretty tame right… I wonder if it’s my sunnies? Is it the snapchat caption – but another picture I put up has a snapchat caption & that survived this rigorous process. I don’t have a seatbelt on & the background is not blurred, you can see in my sunnies that I am holding the phone for a selfie so it it’s clear I’m not driving. What could I possibly be doing in this photo that breeched guidelines & is deemed inappropriate.

Surely not! I click on the picture in my photo album… Under the caption between the opening of the blazer is my boobs – shock, where else would they be… It can’t be that I have cleavage showing that it is deemed inappropriate? Fuck me sideways…

So now my one semester at law school kicks in… Enter Elle Woods! Where are the fucking Badoo photo guidelines?

What a crock of shit!!!!! Badoo guidelines say they allow self expression, a bathing suit only outdoors – apparently only for women as the man in the picture I saved is indoors, seemingly in bathers/shorts/underwear. Who the fuck is the sexist prick that wrote these… A women’s nipple or areola is out of the question but a man’s isn’t?!

I have definitely not breeched the guidelines in any way at all with cleavage! Of course, there is no real appeals process, just like Facebook, they can do whatever they like because they can. There is no email address, you can’t post on their social media as they have that switched off… I message them on FB messenger but I deleted my account before they can block me. Not that I’ll ever use Badoo again – but it’s the principle!!

Adding insult to injury, they sent me an email asking if I really want to leave… Yes, you misogynistic fucking app, I do want to leave & If I wasn’t off all dating apps already, I sure as hell would delete it all now.

Honestly who would have thought that after all my years of online dating, all my years of getting unsolicited dick pics, would I be the one that breeches any sort of antiquated photo guidelines? Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d be in this position…

Now I use my form of self expression, just like Badoo encourage & tell all of you about my 2 hour experience of being overtired & pissed off that we live in such a sexist world where a breast created for infant feeding is inappropriate but a useless male nipple is perfectly acceptable. Not to mention the guy flipping the bird, perfectly acceptable. But shut down the cleavage!

I think I better get some sleep before I have a lawsuit on my hands…

#IBD4U

This diagnosis is a little but more controversial for me, because as soon as I say I have seen Psychiatrist & I have this diagnosis, whoever you tell says “oh yeah, I have that” which isn’t helpful & unless you have a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist, then you probably shouldn’t say anything.

I have ADHD & GAD, which is attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder & generalized anxiety disorder. I am normally a little against people getting diagnosed – especially kids because I have seen them ‘become’ their diagnosis or using their diagnosis as to get out of doing school work etc (I work with school kids) & milk it.

At first I didn’t even want to be referred to the Psychiatrist to be honest, I didn’t want to know what my GP suspected & I honestly didn’t think it was me at all… I am not hyper! I have a million thoughts per minute & I am always doing something, when I sit still, I overthink so I try to keep busy, but I’m not hyper. I have a good attention span, I get things done… But…

…I dominate conversations, I talk super fast & loud so people hear me, I will talk over the top of people when they aren’t getting to the point, I procrastinate about finishing tasks after I start them, I worry about everything & overthink to the point I don’t sleep, I am obsessive over food, weight etc & organisation (to the point I thought it was OCD not ADHD/GAD) but yet I am so disorganised also… I make impulsive decisions – which usually turn out ok, but I decide to renovate, I do it. I make it work. I decode to travel, I make it work. I decide to switch jobs, I make it work… But then I stress about getting everything done & end up getting help (from some amazing friends).

So what does this diagnosis mean at 42 years of age? Well I was reluctant to bother medicating or even doing any therapy regarding the ADHD/GAD. I mean I don’t have a life where I can’t hold down or job or pay bills, I am still a smart woman who get through life – but who wants to just “get though life” could I be getting through life better?

My lash lady is medicated for OCD & she says that it changed her life for the better.

#IBD4U

One thing I have needed to do, probably my whole life is focus on me for a bit. I have always been on the go looking for someone to love me or looking for that new job with career progression & lately renovations.

So when I finally realise with the help of my Doctor that I have to work on myself, not the outside of myself but the inside, I actually start to get proper diagnosis. Now depending who you talk too, diagnosis are sometimes helpful & sometimes not… I guess I have to wait & see what way it goes for me. However you all know I have had a weight struggle, ever since I can remember I have been on some sort of eating plan, supplement regime or some sort of prescribed drug to lose weight.

I have been so Psychologists before, counsellors & healers but when my GP referred me to a health psychologist, I googled her & I wasn’t sceptical, I was excited… For the first time in a long time I was excited about seeing someone… But her wait was almost 7 months to get into her! FUCK…

Our first session we just set the scene & history, by the second session she went though on her white board – a cycle. A cycle which I have been in for over 20 years of eating healthy, exercising – getting results & putting too much pressure on myself to get “skinny” (whatever skinny means). When she sits down & tells me I have an eating disorder & she has a plan to recover from it my first thought is ‘Fuck, how are we going to do that in 10 sessions’ (you get 10 sessions covered on a mental health care plan with Medicare) & as if she read my mind she says that Medicare covers 40 sessions for an eating disorder. WOW.

I have always said I have some sort of eating disorder, it’s not anorexia because I don’t loose weight like someone who’s starving themselves but I also am not bulimic as I don’t vomit my food up however I do have compulsions to gorge on food, particularly when I do my grocery shopping, I will eat all 4 ice creams I buy to ‘get them out of the house.’ but this diagnosis (I wish had a completely different name) is Atypical Anorexia Nervosa.

Now we all know Anorexia is an eating disorder of starving oneself & nervosa just means loss of appetite so essentially starving by intaking little to no calories daily & rapidly losing weight to a scarily low BMI (not that we should use the BMI for ANYTHING!).

Atypical anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder where you do everything an anorexic person does or thinks, including all the body image disturbances & a history of restrictive eating & weight loss, except that they are not currently underweight & can have an overweight BMI. That’s me!

So while I am only at the beginning of this diagnosis, I initially was happy to have a name for it. I only wanted a name so I knew how to treat it. Luckily for me my gut was right with this Psychologist & she has been AMAZING. While she’ll allow me to talk about shit at work & my love life etc, we focus mainly on health with little goals that most people don’t realise are a huge struggle for me, such as only weighing once a week – not daily. Eating three meals a day & planning food so I am not just eating a packet of chips when I do eat…

Very small steps but recently I found my weight watchers card when I was 21 years old & I was 64kgs, with a goal weight on 55kgs. As I broach my 42nd birthday, I know that this weight watchers card was not my first attempt at losing weight back then, though high school it was a struggle & there was always a fad I was doing. So for over 20 years, I have been dieting but not getting the results of that of an anorexic person so I never believed I had an eating disorder.

I am obviously not here to give medical advice in anyway, I am not on the same journey as someone with the same behaviours as I have but I do think that there are many of you reading this thinking, fuck I have done the same… So I urge you to get some mental health assistance because weight loss is not about the weight. There is an underlying issue for why I eat the way I eat, why I exercise the way I do & why I think the way I think…

Which leads me into my second diagnosis of 2023…

#IBD4U

Not a lot has been happening on the dating scene in 2023. With both Fisherman & Farmer having the audacity to ghost me… I am done. Like really done! I am still deep in this backyard reno (a year later), I have two very recent health diagnosis that I am working through – I should do a post about both TBH just so I don’t feel so alone with both of them, I have quit my job & starting a new one (which includes a trip to QLD) & I have moved my little lash business back home – a full circle. It’s been so busy that I just cannot factor in a boy.

But my new eye lash lady tells me that her friend met her boyfriend on Snapchat as a random add & they have been dating for years now… Well I get random adds every single day – probably because I am ‘Cheekie ******’, that I ignore, but perhaps this could be something for me too?

So I start adding everyone… Fuck it is funny. But it gets boring so quickly & I delete people so quickly! So a lot of the time, they say, “Heyy” (yes with the 2 y’s) but my reply is always, “Where from & How old?” as my standard questions that I now ask first, however then I get, “Can I see you?” What is with that? I mean I understand they want to see what I look like but about 99.9% of the time I have taken a selfie, put it in my story & they have looked at it. Which is usually my reply, “In my story, but what do you know, you’ve already looked at it.” They then say sorry or you’re hot. Sometimes I get, no I want to see all of you – meaning I need to see if you’re fat or not. Of course I also get asked for nudes too, but no one is getting that these days…

What is is the sentence though, “Can I see you?” It’s never different on snap… Why don’t they ask, “Can you send me a pic?” or “What do you look like?” I think it’s so fucking weird to say, “Can I see you?” – or is it just me that thinks that’s a weird phrase?! It’s like a universal thing for snapchat.

Another thing they will say is, “Sorry for the add, I hope it’s ok.” Well dipshit, of course it’s ok, or I wouldn’t have added you back! Then we go through bullshit about where I’m from & what I look like etc. Ironically most that ask to see me, don’t share a picture with me. Usually they are deleted quickly.

My personal favourite when they add me is, “Do I know you?” No fuck wit you don’t, you added me from quick add – which they usually deny. Sometimes they will say, “Oh you came up in my list so I added you.” or sometimes it’s like a whole bunch of messages pretending to know me or think they know me, all a ploy to get pictures etc. Another personal fav is the, “I don’t get on here much, can I have your number.” No dude, you cannot. Then there are the ones who call you, I block those who call me, do not call me on snapchat, thanks!

“How cheekie are you?” I mean I sort of ask for that, don’t I? However it doesn’t make it any less annoying! Also the amount of dick pics! FUCK. What is wrong with men… I get so many snaps with their dicks so I took to screenshotting them as they get a notification that I have done so. When they see that I have screenshotted they will sometimes ask me to delete it or ask what I am going to do with it. Then I block them. Of course I delete their ugly dick pic but I hope they think twice about spamming someone else with their cock.

Picture this – a guy sitting on the toilet (my personal favourite) in a dirty white t shirt, his fingernails are filthy as are his hands, his fairly big dick is so untrimmed, you can’t even see if he has balls & to top it off, the white toilet seat is dirty also… ABSOLUTELY FOUL! What is wrong with men. Another sent me a video if this micro-penis & his hairy asshole… Another sent me a video of him pissing in the toilet… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

If you know snapchat, you know that it also sends you a notification when someone is typing, which is fucking annoying as it means you get two notifications if they send you one “Heyy,” then you get another notification when they quickly say, “Can I see you?” (Usually without a question mark.) & sometimes another when they look at your story & then say you’re hot or if they send you their own snap – usually of their filthy penis. But when I get a million notifications one day & the person I share my office with asks what is happening with my phone as it vibrates for a long time like a call, I look & one of the randoms has sent a video – opening a video at work is always risky. But I’m pretty sure this guy did the same thing this morning. He records himself singing in his car, seemingly while driving to songs on the radio. Firstly his voice isn’t great so it’s not about that & he is singing the whole song. So I get multiple snaps for the WHOLE song & he’ll send about 4-5 full renditions of songs. Needless to say he is blocked rapidly.

I’ve barely had a conversation with any snapchatters that lasted more than a couple of chats & the ones that do talk are usually too young for me or live far away. I did get chatting to one guy from Adelaide – he was a bit of a ranting weirdo, but I thought for a split second about potentially meeting him, but he deleted me before we even got anywhere close to that anyway – which perplexed me. However I guess like I suspected for Farmer, he was probably married.

Creepiness galore when someone from the chat app adds me, which I have not been on in months & they start saying things about me that they know, probably not to freak me out but to prove they know who I am, so we chat a bit but I don’t put in that much effort, much like I didn’t on the chat app & we just sporadically chat as we did on there. If I didn’t chat to them much on there, I am not going to chat to them much on snapchat unless they put in some effort & I feel like it’s worth it to put in effort back.

So the more randoms you add, the more randoms that add you. So I get about 20 per day & I add most of them, but most of them I block within a few hours or so because of the above bullshit. So I don’t even think I am going to have a decent chat with anyone from snapchat, let alone meet someone to date! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Earlier in 2023, when I am online dating for the last time… I almost don’t swipe on this guy, he’s doing a kiss face with sheep in his profile picture & he’s only got two photos basically the same wearing sunnies. I’m not sure about him but we message, his grammar & spelling are impeccable for a farmer, usually there are lots of misspelt words for guys & country guys are usually the worst… But this guy isn’t… It kinda turns me on a little. Hahaha.

He sends me photos of his house he just finished building & I don’t believe it’s his house… It’s fucking amazing, in a country town about 45 -60 minutes away from my house. I google image search & some of the pictures come up on a Melbourne window website – so either they were the window builder or he’s bullshitting… Does anyone remember the bullshit Motocross told me?! I can’t tell if this is bullshit or not yet…

We chat online but there isn’t a lot of banter, he asks for my snapchat, so I give it to him… We chat easily but there isn’t the funny banter or little smiles from the messages like I’ve had with other men before. Anyway he asks when I’m free, I tell him Saturday night but he says that he’s going up the river to help his neighbour & don’t offer another date.

We continue to talk all day & he sends me a snap of the sheep at about 5:30pm or so & I think, he’s a fucking lair & not a very good one because he’s clearly not up the river! He tells me that he didn’t want to stuff me around but he thought he might be home earlier but he didn’t know what time he’d be back so he didn’t want to make plans. I mean if he really wanted to meet, he could’ve asked when he got home if I was free… Men just don’t think…

He asks if I am free Monday as he is coming to town & will be on the same road as where I work, so I figure I never take proper lunch breaks, so I say yes, that we can meet at 12:00 pm. at 11:50 am, he asks if we’re still good to meet, so I get pack up & ready to meet assuming he’s already at the café. As I get in the car, he says that he’s still driving, by the time I get there he won’t be far behind if he’s on that road. But I like to be the one who walks in, not the one sitting waiting.

I am sitting there waiting like a dick, thinking he is standing me up. He is 20 minutes late at this point. If he was on the road that he said he was on, there is no way it took 20 minutes even with trying to find a park… He walks in & just sits down saying hello etc and I realise that this guy actually looks like an older version of Motocross… Fuck.

He pays for lunch for me & sits down, where we chat easily. It’s not witty banter, it’s not awkward, its just comfortable. He ordered the same as me, so we eat quickly as now I don’t have that long left. My old neighbours walk in & they stand & chat to me for a bit, which is a bit weird when you’re on a first date. We leave the café & I say goodbye to my neighbours, he’s standing at my car when I get out there, this is when it’s awkward as it’s board daylight on a Monday on a busy road. We say an awkward goodbye without touching & go our separate ways.

We talk so consistently over the next week & he asks when I am free for dinner, so I say Friday or Saturday night. On Thursday with no plans made, I notice he’s deleted his dating account & when he usually messages a “lol” he’ll follow up a few hours later asking what I’m doing or something. When he doesn’t I decide to ask when we are catching up so I can plan my weekend. He says “Probably Saturday” I am like either yes or no? not probably. He says Saturday & I ask where, he says he’ll have a think about it. So I give him an out, if he doesn’t want to meet again this weekend, fine, but my overthinking brain just thinks he’s either waiting for a better offer from another chick or he’s married/in a relationship.

Surprisingly he takes me out, says he’s wants to catch up but feels like he’s coming down with something… Rightio. We barely chat on the Friday, I can’t even be bothered, I don’t want a texting relationship with someone, he tries to be cheeky over the week, but I shut that chatter down too, again not what I want. Not what I deserve!

So we don’t catch up either day over the weekend, ironically again he is messaging me & tells me he feels ok. I tell him that I don’t want just texting & he says “Good!! Neither do I!!!!! I want someone to have a normal BF GF relationship, do things together create memories, also lots of kissing, lots of skin on skin etc etc etc……….” I mean I agree mate, but we have to fucking meet to get there! He says that we did meet once & to give him a break, I say ok & he tells me that I am hard work… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Hard work? Forgive me for wanting to see you again.

Farmer tries to catch up with me, but not really – like he doesn’t ask me specifically out & he doesn’t imply he wants to see me, he just dances around the subject & I don’t really care at this point, because I am sure he’s married… Even a guy I work with that I talk about my dating life with because he meets crazy women instantly says that Farmer is married…

Low & behold, he replies to every story, much like Eastwood did until Farmer deletes me. WHAT THE FUCK? He deletes me?! That’s just gold… Ok dude. See ya! Another one bites the dust… I had deleted my online dating profile long before he deleted me from snapchat, but seriously… I genuinely never get what happens with these men to make them delete me. I ask a guy friend at work & he says before I even finish the story that he thinks he’s married also…

Well fuck, I sure can pick em!

#IBD4U

Every year or so I jump back on online dating – usually to remind myself why I don’t online date anymore. I need to move on so this time I put the good energy out there into the universe, pay for the app for a month & match with a few people… One guy I was chatting too, that I was starting to think about meeting & he sends me a message then deletes me so I have no idea what his last message was! Oh the joys of online dating.

I match with Fisherman & I instantly know who he is… A person I am still friends with on Facebook, who was probably my best friend about 15-20 years ago was engaged to this guy fairly recently. I never met him, or ever saw her when she was with him, so I figure that it’s ok? I don’t know the rules of this type of thing, but we haven’t been close for a very long time!

I decide not to mention to him though because honestly, it’s a non issue. We exchange numbers & he wants to call me. I am not against phone calls but I spend a good portion of my day talking on my work mobile phone so it’s not something I enjoy when I am at home or during my lunch break. I also can decide when I reply to a message – like between clients at my hobby business or between meetings at work. When you’re on the phone, you can’t do much else…

When we exchange numbers, I ask him a deal breaker question. Pineapple on a pizza, yes or no? He says he doesn’t care either way, which is just a cop out answer, I make him decide & he says no. Hmmmm, I am enjoying the banter – as you know I haven’t been texting anyone for a while now & so I tell him that it’s ok, we can just get two pizzas.

Anyway, he calls me & we speak at lunch & it’s funny. He’s at work so I know that he’s told all his workmates about me & probably shown them my pictures as he keeps chatting to them too while chatting to me. He says he hasn’t shown them my picture but whatever… He asks me a deal breaker question, if when we are camping would I shit in a bucket? I ask why I can’t dig a hole & shit in that, he laughs & explains his toilet bucket, has a toilet seat so he laughs & says that I am a keeper.

We hang up & he texts to ask if I want to meet him tonight for a walk on the beach with the dogs, I change my plans with dad & tell him that I have changed times with dad, so that I can. I meet him, getting out the car with two dogs, it’s sort of hard to say a hello as a hug or anything, so we walk straight down to the beach & I let the dogs off their leashes & we walk & talk for a short 30 min walk. He tells me I look amazing & that I am better in real life than in my pictures – well I think that’s a first… When we finish the walk we stand around chatting for about 10 minutes at the car before I say I better get the dogs home, I hug him goodbye (no kiss) & he says “I’ll wait to hear from you” & I replied “No you can message me first.” Which he does not long after the date, he says that he had a good time & hopes we can catch up again. I am quietly confident about this one, for a change!

I am deep into scrubbing my floors with a bloody scrubbing brush on my hands & knees & putting down builders plastic while I am still midst backyard renovation & muddy paws, when Fisherman texts asking me to dinner tomorrow night, I assume at his house because he wants to make roast pork over coals… I don’t really want him at my house while it is like it is & I can also leave when I want too. We agree on dinner & have a few funny texts… I can’t help but smile & think this guys could be more than s flig.

About 2 hours after I got home from the walk with him, having agreed to a second date, I see that Fisherman is calling me. I do toy with the idea of just letting it go to voicemail because I am really trying to get my house in some sort of order but I answer & fuck I wish I trusted my gut!

Fisherman talks at me for 45 minutes… He told me on the walk how much super he has in his account, how his boss fucked him over with the Easter public holidays & making him permanent. He tells me all this again on the phone…. He tells me that his daughter is ‘frothing’ about the fact I am a lash tech & she can’t wait to get her lashes done – WTF, why does she know about me, we’ve been on one walk!!

He talks & talks & I am wondering if he is drunk or high, it’s just a fucking ramble of topic jumping to new topic…. He talks about the pork he’s going to cook, when I say he’s not coming to my house, he says that he lives in a caravan at his work. Oh this just keeps getting better. He talks about his previous living situation but I don’t really know how he ended up renting a room to living in his caravan. He tells me about his debt of paying off a car he doesn’t have. How much child support he has to pay – I mean I get the full run down.

I’m not going to go into the details of his childhood trauma but he talks about it in detail & starts going on about his ex stealing his therapy dog… I don’t ask but he talks about what I thought was her dog (she had him before she dated this guy from my knowledge) & when that dog died, she got another, he tells me that when they broke up she was letting him have the dog on weekends but then she got a restraining order on him… I ask him if the chick is the chick I know, saying her name & he yells “FUCK, I’m never gonna get away from her, am I? Well I guess that’s it for you & I” Um… ok! He then goes on to tell me that it takes two people to break up a relationship “a woman…. and her mother” FUCK SAKE. I don’t know why they broke up, I just know they are over & I just assumed it was because she never wanted to get married from my recollection.

I think out of all the things that he told me in that 45 minutes one way conversation, talking about exs are absolute warning signs for me that the person it not over their ex, but I think the thing that bothered me the most was that he talked a lot about his tiktok account & how many likes & views he had & how he’s trying to get paid for his posts. All the other stuff, is standard stuff – like unhealthy relationship with ex, childhood trauma, loss of a pet, unstable living situation, under employment, excess debt, child support payments – all of those things we’ve all experienced at some point or know someone going though some of that, its tough… But the get rich quick schemes bother me the most. I work hard, I work hard at two jobs. I haven’t had everything handed to me on a silver platter, but I have had help along the way to get where I am. But it’s also mainly hard work, not a quick get rich scheme.

Anyway I get off the phone by telling him that this is a lot & I’ll talk to him later. He messages me when I am asleep “Hope we are ok because I like u alot I think we r goin to click very well. Hope u give it a chance. Once again than u for a grate walk along the beach. Hope there more to come. Good night #IBD4U sweet dreams. Hope to hear from u tomorrow. Ps I bet u did a outstanding job on ya floor” OH Fuck.

The next day I get out of dinner by reminding him that my dad is coming over & I say that he’s bringing mum & staying for dinner, so I am able to dodge that bullet of him knowing where I live & also having to go to his house… We do text a little bit after that for a few days, he asks when we can catch up, I offer a drinks date on Wednesday & he says that he has no money but could do coffee on Saturday, I agree – but a chick at work forbids me to go… Hahaha. By Thursday I never hear from him again, he never texts or calls.

So now I’m being ghosted by guys who are punching well above their weight (& you know I never say things like that! – I am glad to have a bit of confidence back.) It so happens that Saturday the ex post something on FB about being free so I decide to message her… She tells me that he was draining on her financially, mentally & he was also physically abusive. Yeah right… OK I dodged a major bullet here!

#IBD4U

So I haven’t really got anything significant to say about anyone in particular to write a whole post of them… Not dating isn’t great for a dating blog. However, there is a little to say – some of it makes me so sad & others just piss me off…

Tom Cruise / Tom Cruise 2: Remember this guy? I dated him twice both going into the abyss… I was even on a podcast in America & I talked about this guy… I genuinely believe this guy has a drinking problem, so I am not fussed about it but when I get a message “How ever you choose matey” randomly one night, I am reeling about it. I’m with a fairly new client at my little business & she doesn’t understand the magnitude of this guy messaging me. I am going on & on about it, but she doesn’t seem to be helpful about a reply.

Now we all know what this message is, right? It’s the ambiguous message that they send in the hopes of getting a reply, but also no harm done & nothing lost if they don’t get a response. If they do happen to get reply & it’s negative, they can pretend it wasn’t meant for the recipient & not feel stupid. If they get a positive reply, they can see what’s up & maybe start things up again… It’s a carrot message. Dangle.

So when I get away from this client, I race home & I message another friend & she says something about a Pirate… Oh ok! Is that what he means? I have no idea… So I write back to Tom Cruise “Walk the plank m’arty” & he replies, “We don’t know each other dude” I am bored & as you know in the texting post that I’m not texting anyone anymore on a regular basis, so I cheekily reply “That kiss felt like we do…” His response comes quicker than I expect “What kiss was that baby” Oh god, didn’t he just say we didn’t know each other?! He says he doesn’t remember the kiss & I ask why he is messaging & he says that it’s because he likes me. I’m like whatever dude to I get snippy “So much so, you don’t remember kissing me!” He pretends that he doesn’t know who I am, but his number is saved in my phone for this very reason & my number is clearly still in his phone too – though he denies it… So is he trying to tell me that he just typed in a random phone number & it happened to be someone he’s dated before?! Is he joking?! I swear I have no idea how I keep meeting these dickheads.

He asks if I liked him, I say that it’s hard to say because he ghosted me. But he also denies that saying I deliberately parted ways with him… Hmmm, really?! That’s not entirely how I remember it… But ok, it’s interesting to see their point of view. He tells me that I am “Hot AF” but I am not playing this game, he didn’t even know who I was 10 minutes ago… He asks why we’re not together & I just send back the ghost emoji.

He says that he wants to take me out for a decent dinner, I ask where is decent & go to sleep. The next day he says after we’ve sent a few texts about a fancy steak house & me pretending to be vegan, then he says that he has no idea who I am. He says that he was pissed so I say “You just typed a random number & invited them to dinner?” he says “Whatever babe, catch up soon” I don’t reply to him…

I hate that when I start talking to him, that I do sticky tape back together the life I pictured… Not really, but you know what I mean. I overthink & daydream about what could be, about what could have been, about what will happen… If course none of my day dreams every come true, but this is what my brain automatically does…

Max : has a lot of stories in the blog… 12 in fact… He has tried to reach out before since we ended but I wasn’t interested, I guess… But now there is a song that keeps coming up on my Spotify, from a new band that has covered an older song, that reminds me of Max. I message him & wonder if he’ll write back which he does after a while, he tries to guess the song for about 4 messages then never replies after reading my message telling him that it’s a cover of an older song… Rightio. I guess I deserve that, I did tell him at one point that I didn’t want to be friends with him – but that was at a time I couldn’t be friends with him. I guess, that’s done for him now… I will put it down to momentary insanity to thinking I was more to him that I thought I was…

Eastwood : has a few stories too… One night, I am wondering what happened with this guy, when I message he says that he’s been busy, so I say that I’ll just leave him to his busyness. He reads it then I never hear from him again. Righto… I don’t know what happened here but there is clearly something. I go through all the snapchats to him from me for him, M8 & Plumber & delete everything that I had saved because I don’t want them having photos of me when they just dangle the carrot when they’re lonely. So now I have no evidence of anything I talk to them about like I used to keep everything.

See what happens when I am not texting someone every night, I start doing the carrot type message just to have someone to talk too… This is why I just stick with what I have – it is what it is… & I will now actually stay single – even though I’ve said that 100 times, the below update is really the reason why…

We do message a bit more a few weeks later when someone we work with messages to say they have cancer & I ask him why he didn’t tell me. We message a bit & for the next week he replies to my snaps stories, but clearly not back where it was or will it ever be.

Again I had initially had that little day dream that this guy, being we used to sit next to each other at work that now he’s single & because we matched that we would be that couple that have a meet cute story of working together then meeting years later to date & be partners… Again my little daydreams are just that, a daydream. Either I self sabotaged it & put something out there in the universe or whatever, because none of these daydreams ever come close to being what I think they will be.

J-Lo / Jo-Lo 2 / Update: I’m really sad about this update & it’s hard to write about when it’s so fresh. This is why I used to write retrospectively so I can get over whatever has happened, so I can reflect on it. But sometimes that’s even harder, because then I have to relive it 6 months later… But J-Lo didn’t write back to my last message where I tried to explain that I wasn’t going to rehash what we’d said, I was trying to explain how I felt when he ‘drops in’ to my house for a cuddle & he was explaining that he thought I was having ago, which I wasn’t. So since this, I have no messages from him, I haven’t tried to reach out but he looks at every snapchat story, then I notice the one day I really need a friend & realise that I really have none, is the day I have to go to court with my neighbour over our fence – I realise that J-Lo has deleted me from snapchat.

Well I guess that’s it from him, that’s a very bold decision/statement & sends a very distinct message of ‘I never want to speak to you again.’ I was waiting for it to all blow over, I know I said in my previous post that I was sort of glad it was over because it was semi toxic… Well this is also another reason why I post retrospectively because that was how I felt at the time when we were having a break from talking, I didn’t think it was the end & I didn’t think he’d delete me, plus he saw my snap that I was going to court that day…

You know what’s kinda funny, is even though J-Lo isn’t a huge part of the blog in stories, he was a huge part of my life & I genuinely always assumed that he & I would end up together – someday… That’s if he left his partner before Marvel’s wife leaves him… J-Lo & I know so much about each other & we did withstand a lot & were brutally honest with each other, so I am 100% shocked at his deletion of me about something I think is so small & petty… I felt like he would be the only one that could understand my feelings for Marvel & be the one to show me real love, since J-Lo knows everything I’ve been though. He would be so patient, knowing it will take some time… I guess I was wrong. So very wrong…

I guess he is done. That’s it. He’ll say he just deleted it, but I call bullshit because he chats to his kids on it. He deleted me, he made a bold choice because we didn’t talk for a few days, he deletes me. So very wrong!

#IBD4U

If you live in Adelaide, you know it’s big in size but really it’s just like a small town, right. Everyone knows everyone… You get used to it after a while, when you say to a new colleague that there you know a person & they say that they know them too. Or you add someone on FB & they have 2 mutual friends with you… You get me right?

When I started in my new job (almost 2 years agao now), a colleague was friends with someone who used to housesit my house when I travelled for work in my previous job. She had told me she’d been to my house & met my cat but her & I had never met really until I started working with her. & we’d also been to the gym together… Funny right?!

When I started netball, I didn’t know anyone because I was getting back into it so by the second season, I was placed with women more my age. One of them – get this, works in the same fucking building as me – which isn’t a big building in the southern burbs, at a different organisation to me. Of course, even though we play together every week, we never see each other in the building.

What do you know! One day I see her in the halls & we laugh about how we’d never seen each other this whole time until we acknowledged the fact that we are in the same building. So hilarious right! How many times has this type of thing happened to you?

After 2 years in the same job, I walk out of work at around 5:00pm, another businesses exit is directly opposite our exit so it can be awkward when someone walks out at the same time & you walk down the hallway to the carpark – especially as a munchkin I walk slower then they hold the door you do that dicky run to not make them wait for you.

Well this night I leave & a guy walks out – Stranger, it’s Valentines Day – so I have a single rose from a colleague who got flowers that he didn’t want… I instantly think Stranger is cute but he reminds me of Marvel & wished I didn’t have a flower – as Stranger will think I am taken… WTF, where did that come from?! The fact he looks like Marvel isn’t surprising or unusual… I mean tall guys with dark down hair & a unshaven face/beard are a dime a dozen, look around, they’re everywhere! I see one that reminds of Marvel almost daily, so I don’t think anything of it. But this dude sticks in my mind…

It’s a bit like Marvel’s real name, why is it in every fucking TV show! Like EVERY TV show or movie… Or is it just that I notice it now?! Probably the later right, the name has always been around – it’s fairly common, but it never meant anything to me before… Bit like guys with dark hair & beards… Never thought they were attractive or noticed them before but they’re fricken everywhere!

So when Stranger & I walk out the door together, we smile an awkward smile & then we walk down the hallway together, also awkwardly, then him holding the door for me, I say thank you & we walk different ways to our cars. Nothing exciting right. I happen to see him getting in his car & I drive past & go home. Because I think he his cute, I think this is a bit like Crush – the guy who I worked with in the same building & never spoke too but always bumped into at every fucking lunch break… I didn’t speak to this guy, we just do the polite smile thing & that was it.

I think that I should ask the chick I play netball with what Stanger’s name is, she has left there & working somewhere else now, but she’d know who he is surely?! Hehehe… What a fricken creep. I am not dating & definitely don’t want to date a Marvel look-a-like I work next too. I’d never do that unless, perhaps I keep seeing him around the halls, then I might take it as a sign? REALLY?! As if… This is me, so like I ever would.

The next day, I weirdly notice Stranger’s car as I drive in & park. Why is that? Why does it stand out to me now? Who the fuck knows… I am such an idiot or probably because I didn’t know who drove that care so I didn’t care & now it stands out. A couple of days later, I have forgotten about him having just been for a job interview & finding out via email that I didn’t get it, so I decide to go work from home – I’m pretty pissed. As I am leaving I see my only real colleague arrive so we stand & chat for a while. As we’re standing there, guess who rocks up!

As his car is pulling in, I say to my colleague “This guy is kinda cute, but he reminds me too much of an ex.” She is a lesbian so when she sees him she says he’s cute, I think he must be good looking. We continue talking, he walks past saying nothing to us, going into the building. I do notice that there is no wedding ring – why do I do that?! Nothing exciting or unusual about that interaction right? Nah, just the fact that I have never seen him before & now twice in one week in close proximity…

Later that night, I am on my little hobby business FB page, I’m scrolling & Marvel’s group page always comes up for me as a suggestion. I admit that since I found it, I look at it & try to work out which posts he’s posted – I sometimes think I have it figured out & then other times I haven’t. Since I unblocked him recently, he now comes up in the comments with his real profile, having tagged two people.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT!

I click on the first profile, I realise it’s his brother, so I click on his picture – even though it doesn’t have his last name, I know it’s Marvel’s brother. FUCK. My mouth drops to the fucking ground! I look up at myself in the mirror & say “Are you fucking kidding me?” my dogs stir from their slumber, thinking who the fuck is she talking too… I look at the picture & really cannot believe this… But it’s fucking STRANGER! I swear on my dogs lives, you cannot make this shit up! What the actual factual fuck!

I literally cannot stop laughing about how fucked up my life is… Imagine if I still have Marvel blocked & had the guts to talk to this stranger guy… I don’t really know how early you tell people your last name when you date, but that would be an even funnier story right… Neither of us have our last names online. If Marvel was blocked I wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary on his friends list. Lucky we never got to date (hahaha like we were close… Geez!)

Now I’m also intrigued if Stranger knows who I am? Does he know I was his brother’s Mistress? Does he know my name, what I look like? I mean men don’t really get into the stalking, or do they?! As far as I know Strangers wife wasn’t very well liked in their family, so I don’t know how close the two sister in laws were to share my picture around & if Stranger got involved?! If he does know I am the apparent homewreckong whore, would he tell Marvel?

Marvel had told me a few months back that Stranger was getting divorced & it wasn’t a good situation as in the ex wife lying about her income for more child support & not allowing him to see his kid etc… I remember lying there thinking “Well fuck, you’re definitely never going to leave!” If Marvel is watching his brother (aka Stranger) struggle with child support & custody of his child, then Marvel won’t want that for himself even more than before…

Fuck!

What do I do now? I decide not to tell Marvel, what’s the point… I mean technically, he’s only shown me his brother maybe once? I honestly didn’t know who Stranger was until I saw the comment on FB so I am just going to leave it… If I see Stranger ever again, I will just smile & be polite as I do with anyone in the building…

Wouldn’t it be funny though, if I did date Stranger & was at a family event… I don’t think I could do it if I knew but just imagine if we didn’t know… What a shit show of a movie scene that would be… I know that I wouldn’t be able to sit opposite Marvel – if his wife didn’t scratch my eyes out first – & not fuck him with my eyes, even if I was at a point that I was in love with his brother… What a fucked up situation that would be… It’s never going to happen but this is just hilarious when I thought there wasn’t going to be any more blog posts, this type of shit pops out at me!

#IBD4U

In December I see Marvel only 10 days after major abdominal surgery, but fuck it’s worth it. We don’t message each other after he leaves, I am too stubborn for that, clearly he is too… Christmas comes & goes… A new year… His birthday is coming up when I finally hear from him.

Unlike Marvel he actually sends me an unsolicited dick pic before logging off for January. I don’t hear from him again… I am being stubborn & think I’ll hear from him the week before school goes back, he’ll send a message to initiate the chat to catch up being that there are only 2 days in January that will be left for us to have sex in Jan (remember we’ve fucked every month since we started up again) Finally when I don’t hear from him, I send him a message with my availability for those two days & it sits at sending for days.

Overthinking goes into overdrive. He abruptly left me hanging earlier in the month, maybe she caught him & he’s not online anymore? Maybe he’s dead? Maybe he did the Samsung update & his phone was wiped, therefore he can’t remember his password to the chat app? The anonymous app we used to use has basically been deleted so I can’t stalk that anymore to see if he chats to me on there. Maybe they broke up? Nah he would come crawling to me right away if that happened… I literally think up every scenario…

Insomnia kicks in for various reasons, I’ve had a mini fight with J-Lo as you know & my vagina has been angry from no sex. I’ve also been dealing with this surgery not healing properly also trying to renovate with dickhead tradies & so I’m just fucked off. I cry. I cry for the first time in 2 years… I’ve taken off my lashes also because I can’t find a good lash tech, so I cry.

So with this insomnia, I realise that I have Marvel blocked on everything. Maybe he’s trying to find a way to contact me some where else?! What if he is?! I go to instagram & unblock, he’s posted 4 things. One of them is from a trip he took interstate… Maybe they moved to be with her parents?! I mean I’d seen him 4 times since he posted the picture but maybe he just couldn’t tell me they were planning on moving? I go to my snapchat & unblock – nothing interesting there. I head over to FB & I unblock him but leave his wife safely blocked.

Upon unblocking him on FB, it’s all the exact same, I can’t click him to add a friend (not that I would). There is all the same pictures available but I do discover his group/page. Remember he told me after we were over that he had a FB page. Well I find it (which I couldn’t fucking find when he told me about it) & I stalk it. FUCK. I hate this – what does this stalking achieve?! I want to click ‘like’ but I just check it daily instead, like an actual factual wanker because I don’t want him to know I have found it & am looking at it. This is tragic #IBD4U, get a life.

Literally 4 days into this fucking spiral stalking meltdown, he messages & says that the chat app is fucked & offers up this week to see him. Are you fucking kidding me… I am such a fucking wanker. Fuck sake – he just had fucking app issues…

Now remember last post when I said there was more to the Dom Dom story… Well he always says stuff to me about Marvel, like asks if I’ve seen him & if I have he always asks for a exact description of what happened, which I used to give him some additional details so he could jerk off to it… Towards the point of the L word with Marvel, I didn’t share as much, so since then I just give him snippets, usually more about positions & that’s about it.

Dom Dom doesn’t understand why I will fuck Marvel & not him. They’re both in the same situation right?! Dom Dom offers his cock for riding when I say that I haven’t heard from Marvel in ages & don’t know what is going on with him either… Dom Dom doesn’t get that I NEVER wanted to fuck a married man, I am so against cheating. Yet somehow due to falling for Marvel & poor choices following the demise of that love, I have been the other woman. Not a fact I am proud of. So I choose not to engage with married/partnered men in sexual activity, even if I’ve fucked them before – Marvel the exception to that choice. While chatting & talking sexy is considered cheating to some people, I am not as pedantic when it comes to what is cheating, having spent so much time on the chat app as I have in the past, I do understand the need for texting so don’t necessarily call that cheating.

One day I do decide to meet Dom Dom, which he insists must be at his house… I would be happy with a coffee shop but he says it must be his house. He has small kids & puppies, his house smells like dogs & I smirk when I see a bunch of kid stuff & dirt juet swept under the TV cabinet, like he poked it under then knowing I was coming. I rock up knowing that he will try to get his dick out given the chance & that he will try something, which he does, he tries to kiss me multiple times. One of his dogs is sitting on my lap, which I am grateful for. The conversation is a bit strained, I know because Dom Dom wants more, trying to hold my hand or lift my long skirt to see a bit of leg… But I leave, not without a scuffle to get a kiss from me before I go.

I owe no loyalties to Marvel. Especially after the way he’s treated me. I have in the past had sex with other men, I am not going to deny that in the last almost 6 years that I haven’t had sex with others, of course I have. But I don’t want this with Dom Dom because of his wife & kids. At least Marvel’s wife knows what he’s done to her in the past & to be perfectly honest, she must know what he’s been doing for basically the last 3 years too… Dom Dom has the chance to do the right thing by his family… To leave & find his happiness or stay & be faithful as much as he doesn’t want to be.

I fell in love with & became best friends with someone so unavailable that it killed my heart to end it. I don’t ever want that again. I am not willing to put myself out there even if its just sex to another married man or partnered man. Dom Dom has always kept his distance over the years we’ve talked. Rightfully so! So I don’t see why it’s a struggle for him to see why I don’t want anything with him, a physical connection is out of the question. I am not getting caught up in that with someone else ever again. I struggle to explain it but have to over & over because Dom Dom doesn’t get & literally becomes so needy.

But back to Marvel… Within two days of Marvel being back online chatting to me, he is giving me three options when to see him next. I accept & see him on the first day he gives me, as if I want to wait…

After we have sex, for the first time in a long time we chat. Ironically he tells me about his FB page & I have a look at it while lying next to him, knowing full well that it’s in my search history & he talks about the posts & team of admin he has helping post daily. I mention that the name of the group is misleading to the content & laugh about the FB profile picture it has. I’m surpised, when I look (ok I stalked) later that night, the name of the group has changed & so has the profile picture with a note saying that the name of the group no longer serves the purpose it did 10 years ago when he started the page… OMG. Are you kidding me…? It makes me smile so much, I didn’t know I had any influence left with him besides my vagina. But clearly I do…

We also talk about the chat app & how shit it is now, with ads & bots all the time that he says he wants to chat to me via snapchat instead… He says he has it hidden on his phone & that he can chat to me there… He also tells me that I keep coming up on his tiktok – he says he doesn’t watch my videos, just scrolls past them when I come up as a suggestion – I call BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. As if he’d just swipe my videos away – to be fair they are basically always of my dogs, but what a load of crap that he is not looking when I come up as a suggestion!

Usually, he’s only at my house for a maximum of one hour, but when he gets up to leave at that hour mark, I remind him that he’s not cum yet but he says he’s soft & I tell him that I am sure I can get him hard again, he gets back onto the bed & lays next to me just kissing me & says in less than 30 seconds that he is hard again. Yeah baby, I’ve still got it. Just from a kiss.

I haven’t been writing notes or recording dates & times of when he is over my house like I did before, to create a timeline. These times exist only in our memories now, I don’t have a minute by minute description of what we did & what we do, so this is a bit of an unusual post, but it’s also the first sex I’ve had in a long time that made me feel wanted again & the thing that fucks me off about that is that it’s not the sex that I liked about the two hours he spent at my house – I mean, of course I liked the sex & I came so many times – but my favourite part was when we talked & at one point his hand rested on my back or when he rolled into me to cuddle a bit.

I don’t deny this is dangerous territory, we know our limits now. I know he has love for me as I do him, I’m not sure he’s in love with me like he was but I know that we love each other. This man was my best friend & god if I could have that back, I would accept it in a second. But I am ok with the intimate moments where we let down our guard a little & put them back up when it’s over…

I don’t know what the future holds for Marvel & I. I don’t know what the future holds for me at all… All I know is that I am so much happier not fighting for a mans attention, like M8 or Eastwood – who I know is single, who seemingly liked me. I am much happier not texting someone every day – I miss it of course sometimes.

#IBD4U

Those of you that noticed, there wasn’t an update about M8 in the previous update blog! That’s because he probably doesn’t deserve any more air time, but he didn’t fit in that post… It was already way too long & this one has turned out longer than expected too!

After he does the minimum amount of electrical work that I have to do at my house, he stops talking to me. We send snaps every now & then but it’s not regular & I try not to engage in it too much because he’s back with his baby Mumma number 2. Or so her tiktok tells me… Why does she keep coming up?! I do not get the stupid app.

I still need electrical work done & I work out in my head that with M8’s hourly rate he’s been charging me, that it would be about another $1500 worth of work so when I am quoted $2000 from another electrician, I just go with this new company… During this time I wait for the other electrician, I see that M8 is out with our mutual friend every fucking day, washing her car, mowing her lawns – fine I don’t care as they’re friends but I am waiting for this shit to be done with a fucking light hanging from the carport (which actually triggers my safety switch & I have no lights for 2 days!) & willing to pay him for the work, yet he chooses to wash her car for free!? Then he’ll post on snapchat asking for work… Is he kidding me?

The other electrician actually ends up only charging me $900 & when I tell M8 he tells me that I am nuts & he would’ve done it all for $200. BULL FUCKING SHIT MATE! As if… He’d charged me $600 for about 4 hours worth of work so there is no way he would have charged me $200 for all the remaining work. Anyway, I don’t care, it’s done & I didn’t have to worry about a dodgy light out the front anymore & I don’t have to wait.

As the reno is nearing the end – well the major construction part at least, I do ask M8 about my roof because I have had so much trouble with the builder that I decided to get an independent building inspector & he had sent me pictures of all these broken tiles on my roof… Why are there broken tiles?! There shouldn’t be. They have also just fixed it with silicone! I message M8 to see if he saw it while he was up there, but he didn’t… The only time he was on my roof, I was here, so it couldn’t have been him. But we message about how shit it is & I can’t believe that this is happening! The builder sends a roofer so all was sorted but so annoying!

One day after my surgery to fix my stomach skin overhang, I send a pic on snapchat with a midriff top – I admit I will never wear this out in public & in the pic I am wearing slippers. M8 replies & says that I look sexy, he wasn’t looking at the slippers. I say that I’ll take that & he says “lol truth”, I reply “Says the man who ran out the door quicker than he came.” Now I realise when he didn’t write back how he took that, that he came quickly… But I just meant that he ran out the door so quickly.

I assume I’ll never hear from him again but one day he asks if I’ve found a concreter & that he has a friend who might do it, when I send him the drawing of what I need, his friend says he doesn’t want the job! OMG. I have been quoted $47k for this job by Concreter, who can just say no to that kind of money because I originally asked for coloured concrete as I thought it was cheaper?! I’m in a mood & its a full moon, that I tell him that every tradie has ripped me off & he says that he didn’t… I want to tell him that he did & made me feel like I paid for sex but I just put my phone done & go to sleep.

In the morning, I think fuck it. I tell him that I don’t do one night stands & that I have never fucked a tradie doing work at my house. He laughs. Righto… I tell him I felt like I paid for sex & he says that he didn’t see me saying it wasn’t good. What’s that supposed to mean, I didn’t imply that & he says that he thought “I was pretty good” I said that he was out the door before I could move my legs so he tells me that he’s never done that before – which was slept with someone he’s done work for… Why do I find that hard to believe!? He’s a smooth talker, he knows how to get what he wants.

I say again that I don’t just sleep with people once – yeah I’ve done that it the past but I hate that about me. He asks if I want more. I said that I wouldn’t have done it in the first place if I knew it was only going to be once. Which I have said in his story, there was something about this guy, he really drew me in. He says that “I would of kept doing it just didn’t know where I sorta stood” He wasn’t sure if I was keen or not… How the fuck do guys not know? Or is this a line? I have no idea at this point.

When he says that it was good sex, I think & say that I didn’t even get to suck his dick & he tells me that I still can, there’s nothing stopping me! He tells me that he’s only ever had one girl that is good at it & she spat. He says again that he just thought I was looking for a root… I tell him that I wasn’t looking for either & definitely didn’t want a one night stand. He says sorry & that probably the offer is gone now. I should say that yes he’s missed his opportunity, maybe cheekily tease him but for some stupid reason I just say “I like you. The offer is still there” I am never good at these games.

We sort of dwindle out talking that day – which has been all day & then I post a photo of some drinks. He asks if I am getting drunk, which I am not… The chat gets cheeky about wearing a dress & no panties… Why is that always a fantasy?! He thinks I am drunk, but I tell him that I am not as I texting perfectly. I do admit only to you that at this point, I was having to delete the letters a few times to make it perfect! Hahahaha.

He says that he’s going to come over but then never looks at my message, I don’t know where he lives exactly but over 10 minutes with no reply, I am going to go to sleep if he doesn’t come over. 5 minutes later, I get a message saying that he’s putting the kids to bed, so I just say if he can’t come it’s all good. But he says he’ll be there soon (he lives with his parents, he didn’t just leave his kids home!) Another 35 mins he says he’ll be 10 mins… His car is so loud when it pulls up over an hour from when he asked if I wanted his dick & I think about my fucking neighbours thinking what a skanky hoe I am letting a boy come to my house at 11pm on a Sunday!

When he gets to my house, we sit outside chatting for a while. I offer to pour him a drink I just opened – that I didn’t really want but thought he’d have a drink then we’d have sex. But he doesn’t drink due to losing his licence. We chat for a while, it’s easy but he talks a lot & I don’t say much to be perfectly honest with you. He talks about his kids & our mutual friend & then we kiss – I don’t know what time it is but his fricken car alarm which is the horn goes off & he has to go outside to turn it off… As if my neighbours didn’t need any more information for their case against me being a slutty hoe.

When we kiss it’s hot & I end up straddling him before we move into my bed room. Because I haven’t been playing netball since my surgery, my nails are looking amazing, I must run my fingers down his back because he tells me not to scratch him, I ask why & he says something about his kids seeing. I think nothing of it. I suck his dick of course which he loves, – tell me to look at him when I do it… He never goes down on me & says something later about how he doesn’t do that…

When I put the condom on, he starts fucking me, being quite dominant & it turns me on a bit. While he’s fucking me, I try to move & fuck him back but he tells me to stop moving or he’ll cum… I guess I am not a starfish & that’s what he wants?! He makes me cum & he cums too… It’s good but not epic & thankfully I don’t squirt.

After we finish we go sit outside, to my surprise & given the hour, he sits & talks again for an hour. Like he talks the whole time about child support, why he has his kids that are here from the country – never once does he mention the baby, his new job, our mutual friend… He talks & talks & talks.

I don’t hear from him again – he had told me that he was going away in 2 days to start FIFO again, so when I notice a hickey, I think I will just tell him & he says “haha” – well I guess that’s it then… It was another fucking line that I fell for… I know I am stupid, but this is just beyond anything I have ever fallen for before… But a couple of hours later he asks if I did enjoy it & I say that I did & that only one thing could make it better, he asks what & I say not using a condom. He sends back “hahaha lol.” RIGHT.

Then when he’s away he posts a covid positive test. Fuck, I have been a little sniffly all week & when I saw him, so I take another test as the one earlier in the week was negative & it’s fucking positive! I have been off work for 6 weeks & go back in 3 days & now have covid! Luckily my symptoms go away so I can return to work.

Her tiktok comes up so much when they’re back together, why is that? All her stupid actually terrible dance & lip syncing videos – one of my friends ask me for her tiktok to look & says that he looks like her dad in their seemingly recent trip to a hotel – which of course warranted no less that 5 videos on how much they can pose together in the hotel mirror. There is also a fucking video of her with a mask on posted a couple of days ago too… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? That’s obviously why he didn’t want scratches on his back. They’re together & one of them gave me covid, not the other way around…

At the end of January 2023 he messages about the concrete again, but his friend never replies even though he could’ve asked them first, then messaged me but he messaged us both at the same time… Weird… I try not to give too much away. Then he asks me about the cameras that he set up for me, asking some questions but I test him by saying did he want to come look at my cameras – but it Australia Day. I am white girl wasted. Like off my head that the next day I don’t remember a lot!

My messages get so weird that I’m not surprised I don’t see him but also he’s with his baby mumma so whatever. But I keep reminding him that I am too old for him, that he’s got other offers, he tells me to stop when I keep saying old skin, old cunt, stale & old. WTF #IBD4U. Put your fucking phone down! Luckily he doesn’t write back & I pass out with all my doors open & unlocked & the dogs spooning me.

A few weeks later he replies to a snapchat of me in the mirror & we chat for a bit but that dwindles & I am done with this… Done with men in general. The loves of my life, are next to me sleeping…

#IBD4U