Silverlining #25

So with Motocross over, we travel back to get up to date with the Silverlining story – well it’s still the day of the hot hot sex. I put my phone down because I just feel like shit, I have just seen this man, made love to him in the hot sexy way we know how & hugged him, touched him, kissed him & then he pushed me out the door to go smooth things over with his partner & then told me about it… FFS.

I know I have no right to be pissed off, but I am. I know I have no right to be upset about how things go down, how much attention I get from him & how much he is offline with his family, I signed up for this, I know everytime I’ve been involved with this man what I get from him, what my end of the bargain is. I also knew the second affair with him wouldn’t be easy or would he take as many risks as he did before. She knows he cheated now I’m sure she’s on the look out for similar signs & he’s more cautious. My brain is screaming constantly, run away, run away! But my heart is pulling me back yet again, my stupid heart. That stupid chemistry you read last Silverlining post is what keeps me going back, this man I loved for the last two and a half years is pulling me back in & I am stupidly allowing it. If I were you, I would be giving the same advice, GET OUT NOW. But while you’re in it, it’s not that easy, trust me!

Because I am not writing back to his message, which is obviously out of character for me & after what he’s just said to me, he knows I’m sulking, so he posts on my post about fucking 26 men & has changed his name to the nickname I used & said “Still the best eh?” I get a notification for replies to the post but not to chats. So I look at the post & realise it’s him & can’t fucking help myself from smiling at him trying to get my attention, knowing I would be pissed off. Fuck, why am I so pathetic when it comes to him?

I tell him he’s a fucking idiot & he says rumour has it you fucked him today. I am still pissed off so I write back that it was an accident. I used to always say this to my friend, that I accidentally fucked this guy on the weekend & she was always asking how you could accidentally fuck someone. Well I didn’t plan to fuck the guy so it was an accident that I did… I wasn’t supposed to fuck Silverlining, even though I knew we would, so wasn’t entirely an accident as I usually describe, because I wanted to fuck him more than anything. “Tripped & fell on his dick?” I laugh & hate myself for letting my walls come down when I am angry with him. He calls me out on a technicality of saying condom not condoms & says that I must be spewing he didn’t fuck me more than once. I say that he mustn’t know me at all if he thinks I would only bring one & that I would only want to be fucked once. “I want to know… How after 18 months of not fucking, 12 months of not talking, how the fuck did we cum together today… Jesus Christ!I ask because there is no way he makes love with her like that. She didn’t even cum with him for 10 years. We haven’t seen each other in 18 fucking months & are still so in tune with each other that we cum together… Who has actually ever cum with their partner while fucking? I’ll say it’s very bloody rare, he’s the only one I’ve ever done it with & it didn’t happen often. He says that I was fidgeting, fucking him back & moaning too much that it turned him on that he couldn’t stop himself cumming. “Hahaha it’s so fucking sexy when you can’t control yourself and you just have to fuck me back even know I’ve stopped. Fuck I love that” He says that he wanted me to ride him & was planning on fucking my ass too but he came & he didn’t think I had more condoms with me. I say that I wasn’t going to let him fuck my ass because I believe that a guy has to earn the best from me, those type of things, cumming on my face or fucking my ass, they need to earn it. Oh come on. If I wanted it , I could have had it !” Fuck I hate that he’s right, I never would have stopped him from doing anything to me that he wanted.

He says it was too awkward to he didn’t ask me for another condom & enjoyed just hugging me instead, I mean the sex, yes it was a mistake, but hugging him & sitting on the couch with our limbs intertwined was probably the biggest mistake ever. I felt the love, I felt the connection, I loved his arms around me. I felt home.

I try to change the subject by telling him I had a first with him today, how the fuck after all this time do I still have firsts & of course he reminds me how many men I’ve fucked since him that I would have a first with him… Well I did. I tell him that when he was shoving his cock down my throat – his supposedly small cock – that he made me almost vomit. I say that it was kind of gross but turned me on a lot, especially the amount of times he made me gag, which I know he loves. But I’ve never taken a cock so deep that my tummy heaves! I’ve gaged a lot of his cock but never so I tasted stomach bile. He says it turns him on to hear me struggle & gag on his cock too, but he’s surprised that it turns me on. I tell him not to question it. Hahaha… It’s probably best we all don’t question the weird things that turn me on with him!

As we talk about how I used to fake my confidence with him & how I fake confidence with other men, he says that he doesn’t believe me. He told me in the car that I was the best he’s ever had & he knows that he’s the best I’ve ever had but he doesn’t think he sees a different side to me than other guys get to see, but that’s because I am now confident with him & knows how he feels. However I still struggled in the car to make a move on him, even though I knew that he wanted me, I could see it in his eyes, yet I couldn’t reach out & touch him first.

I’ve told him a few times that the guys since him, sometimes I haven’t cum at all from them “I struggle with the concept of you not cumming from sex. I mean it’s a challenge when your in a bad mood. Which makes it fun sometimes. But maybe that’s just me” I only remember being shitty a couple of times & telling him I wouldn’t be able to cum that night & he would find a way to make me cum “yeah if you were shitty at me I would have to pull out all the moves to make you fucking cum” I remind him that not all women cum from a dick & some men don’t do anything but stick their dick in – aka Motocross. But he says that he tries to make me cum no matter what. I don’t think there were many times that I didn’t cum with him. I struggled the last time we fucked when she made him take a picture of himself at the gym & he got back in the car, I felt like a fucking twat that I didn’t think he’d make me cum, I was sulking & horny but fucked off. But he worked hard to make me cum & to be honest, if he didn’t make me cum that night, I probably would have been even more pissed off. I guess that night I saw how whipped he was & he says “Yeah the net was closing in at that point” I mean he’d also been pulling away from me, not coming online for hours on end, not chatting because they were home with the baby. He even remembers the Saturday I tried to end it with him but as we sat there for lunch I couldn’t do it, I was too in live with him & we ended up fucking over my kitchen bench “That time I felt like you were really serious about it and was going to do it.” I remind him that I was crying all morning over him & then saw him & couldn’t do it then asked him to fuck me. “That was my fault tho , I felt like you were going to break up with me so I was like fuck it, I’m going to bend her over in the kitchen and fuck her” It was what I needed, he hadn’t fucked me in ages (a week) & I was horny & feeling unloved.

Silverlining be the reason

I say that I was not planning on fucking him today but I say I want him again before I go back to work, that I am currently using my vibrator again to make myself cum as he’s still turning me on & then give him a list of the days I would be free, he annoyingly says that he’ll see what he can do, I say sure thing & he tells me not to get shitty at him, I am not shitty – well I guess I am a little, he says “Your so cute sometimes tho hahaha” I have no idea what I have done to be cute, but he knows me well, I am a little pissed he just said he’ll see. I mean he was right before when he asked that the fuck I see in him & why I put up with this shit… But I guess what we need to remember, is at least I know what I am getting with Silverlining. He has limited time on line, he has limited time to see me, he’s not leaving her, she’s made that impossible for him to even if he wanted too, I know what I have got myself into here & at least it’s honest. Not like Motocross who fuck knows what he’s thinking or doing. (Obviously you know what happens there now, but at this time in the timeline, Motocross has actually only rung me this afternoon to tell me he’s thinking of coming to Brisbane!) It’s fake, it’s a lie, it’s stringing me along to believe it’s something that it’s not. Not that Motocross made any promises to me, but he lead me to believe that we were starting something… Silverlining while he’s given me hope in some things he says, I know that he’ll never leave her. He says I’m cute a few times, that he’ll be offline soon, “Love you loser. Chat again soon cutie. Night x” & I say love you too then he’s gone. I feel a bit shit so I just go to sleep content that I have seen, made love & cuddled with the man I am madly in love with today.

#IBD4U

Motocross Brother

Welcome to post 400! FUCK! Post 400…

I can’t believe i have posted 400 times, maybe not all my work being that I share guest posts & sometimes articles, but I have posted 400 times! I am so proud of what I have done sometimes, especially with so much going on in my life, this is a great achievement!

So this is again skipping a little ahead but I think we need to finish off this story & doesn’t give anything away. Plus this is an easy story to write but was going to wait a bit longer to give you the update. I am just laughing at this point about Motocross though. After Sunday’s blog, a lot of you say to message Motocross to see where my parcel is, but I haven’t – yet. Maybe I will.

However, do you remember when I did a survey in January on Facebook asking:If you dated a guy you really liked, who turned out to be an unconfirmed liar & then his brother liked your online dating profile, would you add the brother even though you’re not interested in him?!” The choices were : Hell yes – Find out the info or Back the fuck away. I was torn on what to do to be honest, so I left it up to you, I was going to do whatever my readers wanted me to do. But it was so fucking surprising to me, that 51% of the 84 of you that voted said to back the fuck away and followed closely behind was 49% of you saying yes…Also even more surprisingly I was disappointed that the majority said not to message because I was intrigued by Motocross & really wanted to find out some answers here. So I ignored the 51% of you & listened to the 49%. SORRY! But it gives you another blog post & hopefully some answers on Motocross! Lets find out…

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So you obviously know who this story is going to be about with that intro, but let’s talk about how this all went down. Sporadically I am online dating, not often but I do have an app on my phone most of the time in my life, if I’m really honest. Regardless of who or what I am dating, I am pretty much always on an app until I am exclusive with someone – which lets face it, is never. Hahaha.

Anyway this guy with the name the psychic told me I would meet & be with, adds me & he’s familiar but it takes a while for me to realise that it’s Motocross brother. He has motorbike pictures & doesn’t look at all like Motocross, he’s a bit fatter a lot older looking & generally not my type. Before I add him back, I resort to my blog facebook page & put out that poll, if I should add him or not, but then I ignore it & add this poor unsuspecting guy then start chatting to him. Although, I never thought till now that this is also might have been a game for him too, maybe Motocross & him are sitting there having a good laugh thinking about the fact that I am so dumb perhaps?!

Straight away he’s very different to chat too compare to the chat I had with Motocross initially. MC’s Bro asks how my day is going – using my name, I tell him that I’m back to the daily grind of 9:00 am – 5:00 pm. He says that he’s doing 7:00 am – 4:30 pm then he says that he would love to enjoy a drink with me & asks if I’m on Facebook – Jeez, like it’s the third message dude! He’s really going for it, which now makes me think this was a game with him, or perhaps maybe that just how he is? Who knows…

He’s also in a weird place that I’ve never heard of before – Turvey Park, which he says is in NSW. So that’s at least something Motocross told me that was correct, though didn’t he say Wagga Wagga? Are they even close?! I have no idea.He also keeps calling me hun & it starts to irk me at the end of every single message, when I say how would we drink in different states, he says that he’s home at the moment (saying the suburb) hun. OMG. So he lives in Adelaide? Or NSW? I ask if he is fly in fly out, but he says “no drive in, drive out hun”. Well this is a great way to find out what type of car he drives, if Motocross really did buy him a brand new $90k Holden for his 38th birthday… I tell him that the hun thing is too much & so he starts using my name instead – also too much! Why do people do that?

I decide to just jump straight to it, tell this guy I know who he is “I actually dated a guy who apparently was a crusty demon who lived around here… Bou might know him since you’re into bikes too…? I kinda thinking you might know him…” He asks his name but I don’t tell him, but I ask if this guy knows anyone who rides professionally & he says he knows a few guys who ride but when I ask if he knows guys that do show jumping etc, he says that he doesn’t know people who do that! Either he’s lying to protect his brother or he’s brother was the liar… I’m not sure this is helping to be honest.I say that if he drives back & forth from NSW all the time that he must have a nice car & love driving – probing the car thing. I also ask what he drives & he says a some Nissan thing (which my friend & I saw when we drove past their parents’ house) so definitely not a $90k brand new holden!

I think this has gone too far so I spill the beans “So I think I’ve worked out where I know you from & if I’m right I dated your brother for a few months last year… I only caught him out in one lie (you’ve just confirmed another) but pretty sure everything he said was a lie… I really liked him so don’t think we’d work out TBH…” I send a sad face – but I wasn’t really interested in this guy ever but don’t want him to feel bad & he writes back his brothers name, I say yes & that I knew his name was familiar. He says “Ok well the best. Enjoy your life.” I still want to write to this guy, so I say “Yeah you too & make sure you give him shit about trying to make me believe he is a crusty demon & professional bike rider hahaha.” I never hear back from Motocross’ Brother after that. But assuming he never said anything to Motocross being that Motocross is still following me on Snapchat. Why doesn’t he just delete me?? I refuse to delete him because that’s just what I do, but seriously it’s starting to be hilarious. Stay tuned, who knows what might happen with Motocross, however, it’s over with his brother!

#IBD4U

Motocross #25

I bet you all thought the Motocross story was over, but it’s not! hahaha… I’m not sure this gives you any more answers than what we had, but nevertheless, there is another post on this dude.

So we’re still jumping ahead here – a week later, I am using snapchat a lot more than I ever do, I am taking pictures of all sorts of shit & posting to my story mainly to see if Motocross is looking. He looks at every single snapchat that I post to my story, generally he’s always the first one to look at them… No matter what time of day, he looks at it first. Why did he even bother to message me?! I figure there is no harm in asking, I mean it’ll probably all be lies anyway, but why not ask. I’m over this stupid thing I had for him so why not just ask & see what the fuck he is thinking – I think about messaging him lot but I never do it.

One night I am driving out of my street to a Christmas dinner, where I get seated opposite Doppleganger from the gym FFS (He’s so fucking nice, I want to hate him but I can’t!). I see Motocross driving his car literally past my road, I pull out behind him & change the way I was going to the restaurant to see if it was him – it was. I wonder what he’s still doing in Adelaide. If his story is true. It’s passed the 5 December when he said he was leaving… Why is he still here? I decide a few days later to just fucking ask him! “Can I ask you a question? Why did you want to say sorry to me if you weren’t going to ever try to see me again?”  I don’t understand this guy at all, why did he go out of his way to message me, to say sorry for not talking to just ignore me, when he’s clearly still in Adelaide! “I was planning on seeing you again. Unfortunately I became really busy packing the my pop pasted away & just ran out of time” His pop passed away – yes he wrote pasted. Hahaha – not funny about his pop  of course but funny the words he can spell & the words he misspells. I roll my eyes because as if this is true, however, I play the condolence card again – just like I did with his dog… “Sorry to hear about your pop. You have to have a lot of family things going on… When did you go back?” I wonder if he saw me driving on Saturday night & I can catch him out in a lie?! I’m hoping that I will be able to catch him out in a lie finally & say something. “Yeah thanks its been coming for some time Unfortunately just would’ve picked it yet that’s all. Nah no family problems that was it. I left on Monday.” Didn’t his cousin have a stroke & his dog died, now his pop died… All of this in the three months that he was staying in Adelaide?! Doesn’t this sound like Noddy & how much shit he had happen in the three months he knew me too… Why am I the magnet to drama filled idiot guys? So at least Motocross didn’t lie about still being here & his story is plausible that he left after I saw him driving, so he either saw me on Saturday or he really did go back Monday.

I look at the time & realise that in LA it would be like 3:00 am, I google the time & I’m right… “Is it like stupid o’clock over there? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Considering the amount of times he fell asleep on my couch at like 10:00 pm, as if he is awake at 3:00 am LA time. “It’s 2:54am here yeah my brother called & forgot the time difference apparently. I’m fair tired yeah sorry” So he’s probably googled the time or this is true… Can I even believe this story & why am I trying? “Right, I’ll let you sleep… Bit of a shame how things worked out with you though TBH.” He doesn’t read it till the next day when I wake up there is another message for me… So now he knows I’m suspicious he needs to be careful about when he writes back. “What do you mean how things worked out with me” I want to say more to him, I want to be really honest & get some answers from him “Just how somethings didn’t add up & that’s when you ghosted me… Just sucks cos I trusted you” I hate that I trusted this guy, that I really liked this guy, & I hate so much that Silverlining was right – he was right about Cowboy & he was right about Motocross, that I am still trying to make it work with Motocross even though he’s clearly not interested. How desperate am I, FFS?! He says he didn’t ghost me, that he just ran out of time. He starts calling me on snapchat, I didn’t even know that was a thing, I am at work so I don’t answer, then he says sorry he wasn’t meant to call me. Fucking hell. I say that I am pissed that I said I’d leave it with him & then never heard from him again. He replies “I’m not the best at replying or responding to people unfortunately. I’m not the sorta person that just sleeps with someone then that’s it even tho it seems that way I did feel really bad for not talking sooner I thought about it a lot if you really wanna know just didn’t know what to say tbh”  I say that I’m annoyed I trusted him & slept with him so quickly & without a condom no less. He says that he didn’t think it wasn’t me who was the problem & then says “I’m just gonna stay single!” RIGHITO then!

He says he’s really sorry that I’m really funny & thanks for the sharknado memories. I then ask why is he still replying so much (& with long messages) if he’s not interested in me. He asks why I think he’s not interested & I say just a vibe I get from you & he never replies again. Oh good, this old chestnut!

A few months later, I have a weird dream about him & when I wake up without thinking, I text his Australian phone number – I’m not even sure why I do or why it happens so suddenly, maybe I’m still a bit asleep & not thinking straight, but I text saying I had a dream about him & I in hospital together but he never replies… Either he just ignored it because he needs to pretend he doesn’t have that number anymore or he genuinely doesn’t have that number.

Ok, so jumping forward some more time later, this is a tid bit from real time now it’s Covid-19 lock down – it doesn’t give too much away about my present dating status, but I thought we need some answers about this guy. I have been walking every day with a friend as we are both working from home, we talk about everything & Motocross comes up a lot as well as others in my past & present, she’s just a perplexed about what went on with him as I am, & mainly because he is still looking at EVERY single snapchat I send to my story, he is generally always first, no matter what time of day it is.

My friend picks me up one morning as usual but for some reason we happen to be chatting about Motocross & as we pull out of my street, who should drive past but Motocross… BAHAHAHA! She even points him out being I’ve described his car & what he looks like to her in more detail than my blog, however she does read. We laugh about it for ages & later that day I decide to message him & ask if it was him, he says no it wasn’t him, he’s not here & that it must have been his dad. What a crock of shit! I send a laughing face & he says that I’m not funny that he’s not back here till September. Isn’t this the guy who said he hadn’t been home for like 7 years & now he’s been home for months & coming back again a year later?! I tell him his story was always hard to believe & I find it funny & he says “If you wanna cause trouble or drama don’t bother . I’ve really got no idea what your on about” Cause trouble!? With who?? How?! By not believing his story? Hahaha. I ask how & he says that I’m laughing at something that’s not funny – um yeah it is dude. He then says “Your insinuating I’m lying when I’m not . And apparently my story no idea what story is hard to believe”  I also notice that his full stops aren’t next to his words, like what happens with Silverlining. What is that about.

Motocross found him

I apologise for pissing him off, say it must’ve been his doppelganger in the same car. I look at the time in California, it’s 4:00 am. I mention that to him & he says that he’s actually in Florida at his house there & it’s just after 7:00 am & what do you know, he says that he’s brother just called him so he’s multitasking… Not that old chestnut too! His brother who he didn’t speak to that much has happened to call the twice I have messaged him & questioned the time of day… Interesting though Motocross & I have been messaging solidly for about 8 hours, meaning if it’s 7:00 am where he is, he’s not slept all night!!! He says that he sleeps though the day a lot because there is nothing to do with Covid. I laugh at him because he used to fall asleep on my couch at 10:00 pm. He then stops chatting to me again.

Still not letting this go – even though I have moved on (Stories to come) & because he looks at every single snapchat I post to my story. One day I find a book with his signatures in it, remember when he did that?! Well I send a snapchat to him direct & remind him that he never signed something for me like he said he would. He tells me that he’ll send me something & asks (Yes he ASKS) for my actual address. I send it to him immediately because this will confirm a lot of things – if I get a parcel.  I ask him to send me some of the special fruit loops too that he had sent from America while he was staying here that he went on & on about.  A few days later I post on my story about my strapped up foot & he asks what I did, which is unprecedented, he doesn’t normally reply to any of my posts, he just looks at them all.

My friend I’m walking with decides to stalk him & she finds out where he lives, like WTF. My god, people are easily found. On the way to our walk one morning, she drives past. His car is definitely the car we saw as it has distinctive licence plates, which is parked in the driveway of this house. There is also about 6 cars, including one I know to be his brothers (Story to come on that too!) Seriously, how easily are people found. Also what’s more fucking hilarious, is that it’s about 6 streets away from my house across the expressway! Jesus!

But the parcel, oh the parcel…  You guessed it, here I am 3 months later still waiting for this so called parcel to arrive! So the question now is, should message him & ask where it is?? Or should I just leave it?

#IBD4U

Motocross #24

Ok so lets jump ahead a little bit in the timeline & give you an update what is going on with Motocross. I have met & fucked Silverlining, WOW, I’ve fucked him & it was 1000 times better than the sex I’ve had with Motocross. They don’t even compare.

Motocross still in the background putting in a bit of effort, seeing me still, & he’s said that he’s coming to Brisbane to surprise me, that I make the decision that if he does come to Brisbane to see me, then I will put all my eggs back in his basket & I will stop fucking Silverlining. He’s not single, he’s not leaving her despite how much he tells me he loves me, he won’t leave, so I need to focus on a man that is single (as far as I know!) & that I like, regardless of if he likes me or not, I have to focus on something else, other than the partnered ex boyfriend I’m still in love with.

I’m also reminded of what my sister said to me one Sunday night when I was confessing to her that I was chatting to Silverlining & considering meeting up with him for lunch. When I first told her that I was seeing Motocross & that he is living in California, she said to me that I am absolutely not moving overseas, she will not allow it! (We have this thing about not seeing each other!) But when I said I want to meet Silverlining – that I am going to see him again, she tells me “If it’s between Motocross & Silverlining, then you’re moving to California.” DOUBLE FUCK. She’s right, but at this point with Motocross, is there a choice? Silverlining has told that I need to forget about him & focus on Motocross, but Silverling tells me that he doesn’t think that Motocross is that into me & I deserve better – how confusing! Of course when my sister plants the seed of me moving to California, I actually start to think about a life there with Motocross, could I do that? I could get away from all the Silverlining bullshit once & for all. I could actually move on. He could move on. I could be truly happy overseas for a few years then come back to Adelaide to live in that ridiculous house he was looking at buying, I would get the wedding of my dreams & I would be blissfully happy with Motocross. -OMG it’s scary where my head goes sometimes!

Anyway as you all know I am a planner. I plan, I overthink the plans I try to work out every issue that may arise in any scenario. It’s probably why I am so good at the job I have too. Assessing the risks & scenarios. I am always thinking one step ahead. But this is probably to the detriment of my relationships, because I also live out little fantasy scenarios! Usually that never come true. I am excited that Motocross might be coming to Brisbane to see me – it was supposed to be a surprise, but he told me because I cracked it about being the only one making plans.

So I’m busy planning this trip in my head, so much so that I forget to think about Silverlining as much when we’re not chatting, though I’m still chatting to him daily & every spare moment he has, but he logs off at night to be with his family & so now I have something else to look forward too & something that I finally say is mine, Motocross isn’t fucking anyone else, even though I now have – it won’t happen again when he comes to Brisbane, I won’t be able to cut Silverlining off but I won’t meet him again for sex. Like I said, I will put all my eggs in his motocross helmet! Hahaha.

Also something I forgot to tell you too, which is hilarious so you need to know. One night with Motocross we were watching YouTube & he tells me about a film clip that he was in. OMG that’s super exciting & easily verified, I ask him to put it on, because then I will have some verified information about his career & put my mind at ease about all the other bullshit. He uses the remote to click on the song, literally the most hilarious song ever, I know a lot of songs but I haven’t ever heard this one before, but it’s but Bec Cartwright who used to be on Home & Away, then married Leighton Hewitt the Adelaide tennis player… Anyway when we watch the film clip I am laughing my head off. I feel bad for Motocross but he said he got paid for it so who cares. Watch the video then read what I have to say about it because it’s literally fucking hilarious.

So if you didn’t watch the film clip, but were thinking that you would see Motocross’ face & it will reveal him to the world, you are sadly mistaken… What you will see that every dude on a motorbike has a fucking helmet on! A full head covering helmet with dark mask. The guys could literally be any guy on the fucking bike! However I will give him snaps for knowing the most obscure song with motocross riders in the film clip! I have no reason not to believe him but fuck this is farfetched, I bet it was someone he knows perhaps, or maybe he did ride in the film clip but no one will ever know… Jesus, I hope you’re laughing as much as I did. I gave him so much shit!

After the phone call from Motocross to say that he was thinking of coming to Brisbane, I realise that I told him the wrong dates – I do not want to text him, I want find out if he will message me. But my friend J-Lo says it’s kind of rude if I don’t correct my mistake in case he really does book flights. I am highly doubtful that Motocross will rock up in Brisbane & I’ll just get an ‘I’m so sorry I was so busy’ type message before I come home but because I fucked up the dates, I message him with the correct ones, he says he’ll see what he can do & I leave it with him.

I have about 6 days in Brisbane staying with my friend to meet her new baby & then I visit some family too. The whole time I’m away, I’m messaging Silverlining daily – trying not to message too much because fuck it’s annoying but OMG, I also can’t stop myself. I spill the beans with my friend obviously, telling her everything as we shop & are ladies who lunch but that doesn’t change the way I feel, she doesn’t tell me I’m an idiot but I know that’s what she thinks, I know that’s probably what I would be thinking if someone were telling me this story. But I want to messaging Silverlining but I am also willing Motocross to message me – I want him to make some effort with me, Silverlining is making the effort, why can’t Motocross? I am so hopeful that he will message & even just say ‘how’s your trip’ but I never hear from Motocross again… YEP! You all guessed it, he’s a dud…

Motocross boy she likes makes you put your head through a wall

So I knew in my heart that Motocross wasn’t ever coming to Brisbane, I just knew that he wouldn’t, but I honestly didn’t think he would just never message me again! Like, what the fuck. He didn’t even message to say sorry he wasn’t coming. Who does that?

Lets wrap this up, so a little while later – weeks maybe months, I can’t remember, he is still on the dating app when I go back on there to have a look, I don’t delete him but when I update my profile he deletes me – no love lost there. However, as much as his story made him sound like a right fuckwit, I think about him a lot.  Was is because he was potentially single?

Even a few months later, things have progressed in my life (No spoilers!) but I am surprised when I see Motocrosses name come up in my snapchat, he’s added me as a friend. But when I go to click on it, it’s not there. When I search him, it comes up with a friend requested button… WHAT THE FUCK. I decide to click to add him to see what the fuck he has to say. To be honest, I barely ever use snapchat. He sends me one of a race track (An indoor one, I forget if that is supercross or motocross) I ask him if he won, he says yes of course & just sent an bitmoji of me looking at him as a trophy, hard to explain but it fitted it perfect. I get nothing back & so I just think that is that.

However a few hours later I get a message from him “Hey so I gotta say I’m sorry for not talking or anything kinda went mia Back home for a couple of weeks before Supercross started here cause me dog past away unexpectedly so that obviously wrecked be and just didn’t wanna talk or see anyone for a bit” OMG, that’s so sad – however, his dog was here with him? He made a point of telling me he’d brought his dog with him this trip & was potentially planning on leaving it here when he went home?! I say that I’m sorry to hear that & just figured he wasn’t interested, so didn’t push it with him. He says that the dog passed away on his birthday & that’s why he didn’t talk much – UM, dude, he stopped talking to me in early September, his birthday was early October? How can he even say his dog dying is an excuse for not talking to me?! He says that he was in Paris racing also, I say that I’m not trying to give him a hard time but he said he was planning on coming to Brisbane then never messages me again, excuses don’t matter, it’s not hard to fucking text someone. He says that he did want to talk to me but wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him & also didn’t really know what to say to me. I tell him it pissed me off not that he didn’t come to Brisbane, but the fact that he didn’t even message to say he wasn’t coming, or to even ask how my trip was going. He just says that he has poor communication skills & that he’s sorry he didn’t… Yeah I’ll fucking say he has poor communication skills, like fucking hell!!!

I tell him I gave up & he said that he failed on his end & I say it’s good he can accept that, he says “I always expect when I’m wrong”  I ask if he means accept, then write #true. He writes back # correct & I laugh saying that if he ever wants to make it up to me, he knows where I am. He says “Make it up to you hows that. Yeah true I do.”  I ask if he’s asking me how he can make it up to me, because that sentence isn’t even a sentence, but he just sends back an emoji with its hands in the air. What the fuck does that mean?! Whatever dude… Again I don’t hear from him after that.

#IBD4U

Silverlining #24

I keep thinking that there is going to be a message from Silverling saying that he can’t meet, something has happened, another melt down or something has happened with the kids… Some excuse to get out of seeing me, not necessarily because he doesn’t want to see me but because he’s acting weird & she’s picked up on it. But I just go about my night, I go to the gym, to boxing, as class I tried to avoid because the Doppelganger goes to it. & of course, I get fucking paired with this guy, which makes me work so much harder but fuck it’s hard because the guy is so lovely & encouraging. I write to Silverlining to tell him that I got paired with his twin & I never get a reply, so I try to rest for the night, knowing I won’t sleep much with thoughts of how tomorrow might go.

The next morning Silverlining just says something about punching his doppelganger hard, I am surprised at the one short message & I think that this is him trying to back off now that we’re supposed to meet in a about an hour or so. FUCK. But he says “Sometimes I go a bit crazy and spill my guts. Held back today. You miss my 20 thousand morning messages ?” Of all the days for him to hold back, he picks the day we’re supposed to meet again. I don’t even know what he is thinking will happen today, am I going to fuck him or will we just tease each other & cum without penetrating?! Do you think we can meet & not fuck? SHIT.

He sends me a dick picture when he watches the video I sent him yesterday, one that he didn’t command me to send but he says that he got an instant hard on. We don’t talk about me leaving or meeting him, so I just get in my car & drive. My heart beating erratically, I am seeing him again. I see his car & I drive over taking a deep breath, I pull up next to his car at his gym at exactly 9:00 am, not only because I am always crazily on time but I am also wanting to spend every minute with him as I can. But he’s not at his car, so I assume he actually went into the gym, I send him a message asking if he went inside, but then he appears… In a daggy tracksuit & t shirt but still cute as fuck. He gets in the front seat of my car. It’s been less than a week since our first lunch date & I am desperate to touch him. As soon as he gets in the car we kiss & hug hello. The electricity sparks between us, I don’t even understand how it happens. I don’t even know why he ignites something in me, that no other man has ever sparked in me. I know I spark it in him too – why else would he be here if he didn’t have some sort of epic connection with me. Why is he with someone else, why isn’t he with me? This spark could be ours every day. But then I wonder if it’s the sneaking around that makes us so hot? I mean he said he was falling for me before we even met, I was too I mean I’ll deny it but I did make sure we made the agreement to take it in turns to message each other.

He becomes obsessed with where I’ve parked, in fact he makes me move the car twice before he’s happy with where we’re parked at his gym – even then I don’t think he’s ok with it & tried to get me to move the car a third time, but I refuse. We sit in the car chatting & when he reaches out to touch my leg, I melt against his touch, we kiss, this time we properly kiss & I realise how much I have missed his mouth on mine, his tongue caressing mine & his hands exploring my body… He slips his hands up my skirt & rubs the outside of my panties, making my legs spread so easily, I reach out for his cock & can feel how hard it is. When we stop for a breather, after all it is only just after 9:00 am on a Tuesday at a gym carpark. However he still finds a way to slip his fingers inside me, make me wet for him & so turned on… His cock is in my hand & we’re making noises for each other that I’ve longed to hear from him & I that I haven’t made with another man since. I want to have sex with him.

We talk about everything, there is no topic I can’t talk about with this man. I make sure that I say I love you to his face. We talk & kiss, look into each other’s eyes – I can see his feelings for me when I look into his eyes, we caress & touch for about 45 minutes – it’s hot & heavy, the breathing, the wanting, the touching, the kissing, the connection – it’s not long before he suggests that we go back to his house. I never thought I’d ever go there again, but it’s not long before he is jumping in his car & I’m following him to his house.

He’s inside his house before I even park the car down the street a little, as I walk inside he takes me in his strong arms, we’re kissing with so much passion, there is no way that anyone else in the world has ever kissed like this, ever connected like this. The electricity coming off both of us is intoxicating, I want him inside me, I need him inside me. I need to be as close as two people can be. I know he feels it too, I am taking off his shirt & we’re getting undressed quicker than I care to admit. I’m on my knees with his dick in my mouth & he makes that manly groaning noise that I fucking love, not every guy makes a noise when you suck their dick & they really should because fuck me, that noise is sexy as hell… We go into his little games area that he’s created while being his super geeky self without a phone, he’s got a tv & all his computer consoles. I’m pushed on the couch & he fingers me till I’m close to cumming, his favourite trick. He can still get me so close without letting me cum. I love this game, but I also fucking hate it. He moves us so that he can slide his cock between my tits & I love this feeling of his cock sliding between my tits… The feel of him doing that turns me on, he doesn’t get why it turns me on, but it does… When we’re ready, I pull out a condom & a small white vibe I brought with me & he smirks asking me if I want him to use it.

I slide a condom down his hard cock & guide it inside me while sitting on his lap, we both make this noise as his cock enters me for the first time in 18 months…. FUCK. I have missed this, I want this, I am so in love with this man. I feel him inside me, feel his breath on my face, his hand touching my waist, my nipples in his mouth, I feel him sliding in & out of me as I ride him, bringing us as close as two people can be. This feels like sex should feel. It feels intimate, sexy, dirty & so fucking good! I cannot even really describe how this feels, words to seem so inadequate at the intimacy & chemistry combined with passion that I feel for this man. He is my everything, I would do anything for him. I would do anything for just a moment of his time, I am under his spell & this is what I want. His wish is my command & I will obey.

He moves us so he’s on top of me with the vibe on my clit, as he’s fucking me the vibe is teasing me, I try to rub my clit but he takes me arms roughly above my head & pins then there, he fucks me harder & harder I moan asking his permission to cum, he doesn’t answer so I start begging, I am moaning, begging, fucking him back, bucking underneath him, trying so hard not to cum but so close when he says cum for me, crying out as I start cumming, he pumps a few more times inside me & cums himself. FUCK. How did we just cum together after all this time?!

Silverling scare to have happiness

We sit there on the couch for a little while, chatting we don’t have sex again & then almost like something happened, he’s basically pushing me out the door, he’s constantly looked at her location on his phone the whole time I’m there – which is good in one way in case she’s on her way home to murder me but fucking annoying I don’t ever get his undivided attention. The most annoying part is now him trying to get me to leave after he’s implied that he wanted a few hours with me, it’s before 11:00 am & I start to feel like a guest who’s outstayed their welcome. I get up getting dressed sheepishly, he picks up the condom & doesn’t really know what to do with it, looking around for somewhere to put it, so I tell him to put it in a tissue & I will take it… Oh my fucking god, as if I do that! There are no words to describe this feeling either, being kicked out of his house, feeling like an intruder, after cumming with him with such a deep connection, all of that is just shattered – within a split second. Maybe he’s realising what a mistake this was? He basically pushes me out the door, his hand on my back & says I love you. I know he has to be at work at 12:30 pm & so I wasn’t staying much longer anyway but fucking hell, I barely get to say I love you back before the door is shut in my face. What just happened? I was in a euphoric state, that was epic sex, epic making love, just to be shoved out the door. I rush to the car – feeling used, feeling weird, feeling like a fucking idiot. I have a used condom, a wrapper and a dirty vibrator in my bag, I am covered in my ex boyfriends cum, I have just had epic sex yet I’ve never felt more dirty & not in a good way! What the fuck just happened?! I want to message him & ask because I know he will tell me truth via message but fuck him. Fuck it all. He’s a prick. He always said he was & he’s just proved it.

I am barely 15 minutes down the road when I see a message from him – it makes me fucking smile – like an actual factual dickhead. Man I hate myself sometimes… “You boost me yet” WHAT? Then he corrects it “Ghost” I should fucking ghost him. This is the perfect opportunity to ghost him. I feel like a dickhead, I should ghost him, I got what I wanted, I got my epic sex. Can I be ok with just that? Just that one time, I said I just needed to fuck him one more time. I ask why he thinks I would ghost him when I get home, unable to control my fingers from replying to him “Yeah was hoping I could hang with you till 12. Sorry. Use me for good sex then ghost me?” I knew he had to start work about 12:30 pm, so I wasn’t going to stay much longer at his house anyway but the way this all happened is just weird. I ask why he didn’t hang with me till 12:00 pm if that’s what he wanted & he tells me not to ask, which of course just makes me ask more – I assume that because he plays with his phone all the fucking time he’s with me checking her location & replying to her messages that she’s gotten suspicious & he’s freaked out about something she said. He says that they had a fight in the morning before work & she wanted him to go by her work before he starts “Think she’s just done it to keep my leash tight.” OMFG! What the fuck games do these two play, do they get off on it?! Maybe it’s part of what turns them on?!

I tell him that I wasn’t planning on staying much longer anyway but did want to fuck him again before I left, I say that I had 4 condoms with me & assumed that we’d use a couple, not just one. “Omg did you really lol? I assumed you only took one! See that’s why condoms suck haha. But 4 is ummm, you were keen.” He doesn’t reply for a while, I’m assuming he’s at her work, having lunch with her – after having fucked me less than an hour before, smoothing things over with her, that when he messages me again, I read it (because I know he can’t see that I have read it) & I go about what I am doing. I’m going to Brisbane in 2 days, I start packing, I try to distract myself from writing back to him. I am already in too deep & this man is constantly trying to keep his partner happy, when he himself is not happy. But does he ever really think about my happiness?

#IBD4U

Silverlining #23

First of all, I’m sorry for the writers block lately, it’ll all be clear when we catch up to todays date why it’s been such a struggle! I have so much going on at the moment that I am struggling to find the time to make myself write like I used to do. I hope that things settle soon & I can write more to catch up again.

You have no idea how much I want to meet him again, fuck him again, have him touch me again, right or wrong I love Silverlining & I want to see him. I am fully aware that he is not leaving her, that he is not going to be the one who walks away from her, he can’t – I mean he tried & she pulled a stunt which hit him harder than he thought it would. I’m not making excuses for him, sometimes we just can’t be with the one that you love. What’s that song “If you can’t be with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with” Not exactly an ideal situation & I would hate to be the one thinking that my partner is more into someone else than me, even if I had a family with him but I manipulated him into staying with me. I get that people can get over cheating & people can work on their relationship & make it stronger, only when both are committed to it but then I wouldn’t be stalking the mistress every day or ever! I think that would be a worse feeling than being cheated on. At least if they cheat & you leave, you know that you are better off. But if you stay knowing that there was feelings for another person, would you always wonder…?

Silverlining talks about how vocal & noisy I was during sex with him & how hot he found it. That he hates when a woman is silent & it makes me think that his partner is silent, but I don’t ask… She never came with him until she found out I used to cum with him, so assuming she’s asked if I was talkative or noisy & tries. But ultimately if you have to force yourself to do it, then you aren’t going to keep doing it, he said things had calmed down with their sex life so assuming she’s gone back to how she was in a way. The talking & moaning was always natural with Silverlining for me. I always hated making noise or talking with any guy I was with, but Silverlining & I use to have normal conversations & talk dirty while we were fucking & it never felt weird. It never felt forced, it never felt awkward. I guess he was the first guy I ever felt really comfortable with. I mean I had Boyfriend of course we lived together, but I didn’t know who I was, I wasn’t very sexual with him at all, not like how open I was with Silverlining.

He keeps bringing up Crows calling him Mr 6 pack but I remind him that yeah the sex was good with him but I didn’t love him & he didn’t make me cum like Silverlining could. He says he sees himself as a “Horrible fat piece of shit” I knew he had low self esteem, but I didn’t realise how low it is sometimes “OMG. You’re a fucking twat. To use your words. Spelling errors & everything!” He laughs “I can spell & do grammar and shit. So fuck you. I wouldn’t of put a full stop at the end. What twat face does that. Your like the only person online ever in the history of man that does that.”  Hahaha, he’s right. Every single message he sends doesn’t have a full stop, but every single one of mine does. He says it’s part of what gave me away when we were strangers.

I tease him so easily & he sends me a dick pic saying he can’t jerk off because the kids are around. He says that he wants me so bad & I start to think how easily we are falling back into the old routine. Can I meet him again & have sex with him? Will the sex be as good as I remember? I mean if just sitting opposite this man can make me wet & horny, then surely the sex is the same. Can I just have it one more time? He says no sex but he’ll allow dick sucking & fingering. He says that I got better at sucking his dick the more I did it & then he tells me I made him better at eating pussy – which fucks me off because now she gets it. I made him good at it & someone else gets to enjoy it…

I ask him if he wants me to wear granny undies, and ugly dress, not wash my hair or wear makeup & he says that he doesn’t think any of that will help, he’ll still want me, I get out a vibe & start telling him my go to fantasy & I ask if I can cum, when he says no, I am frustrated but I love that he has this control over me. I love that he wants me to beg him & that I will be a good girl & do what he tells me to. I say please, please Sir, I beg & he just says no. I say why did I ask, cos I could’ve just cum & him not know but he knows that it turns me on when he says no to me. I say that I wish I could video it for him but the app we’re using doesn’t have that option, so he says video it & email it to him. I cum very hard when he finally says “Cum for me slut. Be a good girl and cum hard” You all know that this language from anyone else would probably result in a punch in the groin, but fuck it turns me on when he says it & he knows it, I tell him that the video is en route to his email, so he can check it. He says that it’s going to be hard not to fuck me. I say that I think we both knew that if we ever came together again it would be like this… He says “Fuck I miss your moans” (No full stops!) He says that after seeing that video he wants me so badly & that I am a good girl for doing what I am told.

I also say that I don’t think that I told him I loved him yesterday so I say love you for yesterday & today. He replies “Love you too for today and yesterday” & I smile like a wanker. I tell him he’s an idiot but he should see my stupid grin. He says that he’s not used to me being so lovey dovey but it’s cute. To be honest, I’m not used to it either, but I don’t want him to ever think that I don’t love him as much as I did.

There’s a video on my phone that won’t delete either from years ago, of me in the white dress & him making me suck his cock while he edges me, I’ve deleted it so many times because I don’t want to keep reliving how hot we were, how close I was to having my happy ever after with him, He says that he’s watched that video a few times in the last 12 months & jerked off to it a few times. That surprises me actually & he says “Do you really think a guy ever forgets a woman that he fucks like a porn star FYI?” He had told me that he never allows himself to think about me, had told me that his partner lets him fuck her like a porn start & squirts too, I assumed I was long forgotten. He says that he’s stubborn & didn’t want to admit his weakness. He says that she only squirts like once a month, that she fucks him 10 times better that she used too, but she’s nothing like me. I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad…. He says that she’s never done anything like the train station or what I did with my panties, but something weird happened for them last week & I barely want to know, but he tells me that he pushed her head into the bed & she couldn’t barely breathe but she loved it. He says that it was an accident & it made her cum hard, then she didn’t shut up about it the next day… I don’t even know what to say, I look at his words about his sex with her & say “So remind me why you want me again?! Or even needed me in the first place”  If she’s so hot & sexy, what the fuck did he need to ruin me & her for?! “It was never just about sex, or kinky sex when it came to you. You were always my friend first. Sex was just the bonus. Kinky sex was the icing on top. Then there is the part that I fell madly in love with you based on our friendship.” He says that we would’ve developed feelings regardless if we met or fucked, because we talked so much. “I had feeling for you before we met. And I struggled hard core once we started fucking. You were so fucking guarded and a bitch. Your were like ‘nup, never having a man live with me , don’t want a man that has kids allready , bla bla bla’ So I was like fuck you. I’m dumb for falling for you. But I can’t stop having sex with you because the sex is so good. And I’ll hold my jealous rage in while you tell me your fucking other people on the app.” OMG, I never said I didn’t want a man with kids! Fuck I wonder if the things I said in the early days, like this was shit I said before I fell for him, I wonder that if I had’ve been more open if he would’ve been braver to leave her… He was doubting what I had for him & she was pulling a stupid stunt to prove her “love” for him I guess… He says that he tried to act like he didn’t care & that he wasn’t jealous, but I would see though it which annoyed him. I could always tell when he was being a jealous git, but I secretly loved it, though it was annoying stroking his ego all the time… “Please tell me you didn’t fuck Cowboy”  FUCK… I ignore that question… FUCK.

I just send a long message about the night I remember he got so jealous in the car when a guy on the app had messaged asking me to fuck him, I had told Silverlining because I always shared & he sat in the car after we fucked staring out the window pulling away from me, I had to grab his face & tell him that I am with him (We hadn’t said I love you at that point so I had to use other ways to tell him that I was only fucking him!) he says that I had good banter with that guy I think his name was Prods & Silverlining got scared. He says he was even crazily jealous really early on, even when I met Shark & Leblek… He says that he even hated that I could tell he was jealous through texts. He said he considered fucking other people on the app to make me jealous but he decided not too. I lied about things I did to protect him, well I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell him but it turns out that it was common knowledge & he knew. I never realised that he started getting feelings for me that early on, I mean I knew I wanted to talk to him & only him, when he wasn’t online, I would chat to others waiting for him to come back online, so yeah there were other people for me, but I stopped seeing other people only a few months into fucking Silverlining. It was sexy to see him jealous, especially when he’d do something douchy to a new guy in a group that was showing interest in me, it was like Silverlining would pee all around me to prove he was with me without telling anyone. It used to turn me on to watch him stake his claim on me.

Silverlining mentall abuses person

I start getting horny again & chatting dirty, when he says “Gotta go. Fuckomg so hard. Fuck You so much. Love you and chat later … grrr. Have no idea why up put up with me and my bullshit like this Tho ! I’m so not worth it …”  I let him go & I think about my reply for a long time, something he needs to hear & something I need to say…

“Because you’re my best friend who I’ve missed terribly in the last 18 months. I’ve missed telling you things about my life, asking your advice, asking questions about food, seeing you & yeah even fucking you. I tried to fill a void you left behind, I admit I fucked other people & dated, tried new things like maslins & swingers parties, all in an attempt to get over you… But you see Silverlining, none of it worked, because at the first obstacle I was faced with a year later that you were possible the stranger chatting to me… That the excitement of you chatting to me online as a stranger took over me… Still wanting you, still loving you… You said you’d always love me, that those feelings will never go away… Why do you think those feelings I have for you are any different? You always think you’re not good enough for me, but let me make that decision…. I love you too… #IBD4U xxx” When he returns he does what he always does & gives me shit about going to maslins & swingers parties. But he says “But I hate just disappearing on on you”  He knows that annoys me, but I’m ok with him going if he says goodbye, I just hate when he doesn’t. I understand the situation that I am in, I am the dumb idiot chatting to a man in a relationship with kids… I tell him that I hate him disappearing too that the vibe slipped in my ass cos I was so wet & so I just went with it, he says “Haha Oh dear , don’t you hate it when it accidentally slips into your ass … Done that a few times in my time”  I don’t get anything from him again tonight & I am awake thinking about bullshit going on in my life & of course him too at 3:00 am. I ask if he ever checks the app & doesn’t find a message waiting for him, like I do because I feel like a loser checking all the time with no message from him.

I wake up late to messages from him at 6:30 am. “So I was thinking …  are you free Tuesday morning … as that would be an opportunity to spend a few hours together. Rather than 1 hour” He also tells me that that he checks all the time & sometimes I haven’t written back, which makes me smile. We get onto the topic of my hair, skin & nails tablets I’m taking & he says that he would never need then that he has to cut his hair like weekly & he cuts his nails twice a week “Fun fact you would only know from living with me”  I reply that I never got that option to know what it was like living with him because I am too clean & he says that he didn’t want to mess up my house, it was always so clean. Yeah that’s because I would clean while waiting for him to come over & I live alone so it’s easy to keep clean. I ask what he wants to do tomorrow morning & he says that we should meet at his gym at 9:00 am then we’ll go back to his house afterwards. Or I can meet at his house at 10:00 am. I stupidly want to spend as much time as I can with him, so I say that I’ll meet him at his gym at 9:00 am. I agree to meeting him there & making sure he follows his usual pattern, so as he’s not suspicious.

I show him a picture of the nurse outfit that he bought me & say that I wish I got to wear it for him, I say I wore it to switch to prove I’m over him & he asks if it worked, well of course not but I ask as a way of response, “Did you get over me a little bit?” his reply doesn’t surprise me but also it does a little “Uhh. I just distracted myself from you I guess. I still love you , so yeah …. Probably not. It’s probably not as deep as it once was but still there.”  Because he keeps bringing up the men I’ve fucked since him, I post a post on the anonymous app that says “I slept with 26 men to help me get over you… But it didn’t work… Not even a little bit. You are still the best I’ve ever had” & I change my name to his initials & bitch. I get so many replies, asking to be number 27 & help me get over him. But I did it to prove to him that he is still my number one. When I show him the inbox that is blowing up he asks how he even made it into my inbox & fuck knows, the universe is fucked sometimes. He says it was fun being strangers when I apologise for some of things I made him hear & he says that it’s ok. I remind him that he told me he couldn’t sleep, so it couldn’t have been that fun, & I have to probe him why he couldn’t sleep, to which he says that he couldn’t sleep because he wanted to chat to me more. Awww FUCK.

As the chat is winding down, I confirm that he wants to meet at 9:00 am. He says he’ll be gone in a second so I say I’ll see him tomorrow with kisses, he asks where the love is, I say I love him & then he says chat later – as he’s started doing. I ask where my love is & he says nope. I say love you anyway jerk but he of course says love you back & I prepare to see him again tomorrow morning… FUCK – is this a good idea? I know for a fact that we will kiss in the car, he wants to finger me & I want to suck his cock, but should we go to his place to have sex?! FUCK, I want it, but is this a good idea?

#IBD4U

Guest Blog: Toxic Love & The Road to Recovery

This guest blogger is one of my favourites. She has her own blog “Diary of a She-Wolf.” She doesn’t write as regularly as I do – which probably is wise because the writers block is still rearing it’s ugly head for me, I know you’re all keen on the story I have to tell, but below in someone else words & experience, is what I have felt too in the past. It’s almost like she took the words in my head & put them on paper. She is a real writer, not just me who writes a diary & posts 3 times a week, she has a great literary talent that I wish I had!

guest blog heal if not hurt

Enjoy

 

Guest Blog: Toxic Love & The Road to Recovery

After TOTGA, I haven’t been ok. At all.

He broke me in a way that I’m not accustomed to.

I’ve been beaten. Raped. Emotionally attacked. Mentally destroyed. Financially fucked over…. and now, finally- my spirit has been crushed.

Over the years of stories I’ve shared with you, this is the love that has damaged me the most.

The absence of it crashed down on me, seemingly breaking every bone in my body; piercing my skin, tearing flesh and leaving me battered and broken. My mind was a storm of emotion that was so intense I couldn’t distinguish one feeling from another. I felt like my heart had been dragged from my chest and the wound left open; a cavernous, Black, whooshing hole that nothing could escape from.

Worst of all- I could feel the light inside me dying.

When it all ended, and I moved away, the candle in the coal mine that kept me going- the flicker of light and hope inside me was not my hope that I could save myself again…. It was the hope that HE would save me: from the scores of men lurking in my future that will do me harm somehow. Just like always, he would save me from the monsters from without, and within.

The moment I realised he wasn’t coming for me, that light was almost snuffed- by my own hand, no less. In hindsight, it seems so strange to me that after everything I have faced to date, that this one heartbreak (half a lifetime in the making) would be the thing that finished me.

I stood at the edge of the cliff and was ready to jump. More ready than I’ve ever been in my life. I took the deep breath in to steady myself and… my phone pinged. Some notification or other. That ping saved my life.

In that split second I realised – with more clarity than I’ve felt in a long time – that somewhere deep within me, I still had a spark of life that still held on. It was faint, but with some care and kindling, it could become a flame once more.

Admitting this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s a moment in my life that I’m not proud of. I was weak. Broken. Hurt. Dead inside. Seemingly irreparable.

My lesson from this love is that to be free of the hurt it causes you- you have to pull it out by the roots. Pack up the photos and mementos. Set fire to the house where love once lived. Pack it away until it doesn’t hurt you any more. It becomes just another piece of the mosaic of your life- the sum and total of everything you have been up until this point. A part of the background. Just another story.

He will always be a part of me, but it’s up to me to work every day to make him a part that I don’t need in order to feel whole. I get to decide what part he plays in my narrative.

He is rewriting our story now. Each chapter being amended to include the one that’s easier to love. That’s less complicated. That’s better than me. Seeing each edit has been an accumulative injury- like a wound that keeps opening just as you think you’re finally healing.

It still makes me wince. If it didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t be human. I’m more in control of how that hurt affects me now. I won’t let it put my fire out. It’s never easy to see someone you thought you’d grow old and grey with writing you out of their narrative, but life has a way of doing that.

I’m finally ready to close this chapter. I have loose ends to tie up, but once they are done, I can finally begin to write a new story.

For the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful. Optimistic. Unshackled from the past… and maybe- just, maybe- I might finally be free.

Here is the link to her blog! https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/90834386/posts/2582191091

#IBD4U

Silverlining #22

I can’t fucking believe it, he is going to say goodbye like & fucking ghost me?! I send “Are you serious?!” I can barely type of any message “What the fuck happened in less than an hour for you to now say goodbye, like this??” I am overthinking, my thoughts are in overdrive. I know from your comments & messages that you’re all thinking that he is the smart one here, ending this before it goes too far. Before we meet again, before we fall more in love… But I am not quite at the point of ending this with him yet. I was asleep blissfully for less than an hour & now he’s ending us chatting, after the debacle of meeting me? Why would he bother meeting me if he was just going to say goodbye, like this, cowardly again… Message & delete me?!

FUCK.

I literally sit there watching the app for what I assume will be forever, with nothing back from him ever again, I expect that he won’t message me again, that he’s said his goodbye & that he’s done. When I see his messages pop up “I wanted to get some stuff out but we got cut short sorry. I’m not saying goodbye. Just scared I guess… You know I won’t be able to do that lol” OMG, so he was just trying to write a good bye for today message, tell me some things because obviously it was playing on his mind that he was a douche to me for making me feel dumb for the swingers parties & rope, so he decided to write something to me but he made it seem by saying that he tried to warn me that he was going for the evening… WOW… This is stupid but I am fucking relieved. I tell him that I am scared too, I mean I am going to get hurt here, I know he will be hurt but I will be alone, he still has his family when he’s not with me. I say that I am sorry too but I am not cooler than him, nor do I think he is uncool. He says that I am so uch cooler than him “I haven’t done anything near as cool as going to swingers party for even close to fucking 26 people in my entire life let alone 18 months. Just sayin. Cool” He then sends me a picture of his new haircut, he’s cut his hair to not be as long & I really like it, fuck he is sexy… I’m surprised he hasn’t fucked 26 people, he always made out like he was such a stud… He also apologises for rushing off, but I remember when we were together, he says he does that so he can message me as long as he can. I always just imagine him saying gotta go, deleting the app & going about his life, but I see now that he is probably deleting the app in the driveway so that he can chat to me as long as he can… It’s also random that he’s chatting tonight. I am glad he realises that he just rushes off & doesn’t get a proper goodbye, but I wasn’t expecting that. “BTW – it’s not cool fucking random strange men, just saying… It’s empty & unfulfilling…” I know that men like Silverling might see this differently, he sees that if he could pull 26 women in 18 months that he’d be cool & a stud but the fact that he says that he couldn’t get anyone when they were open makes him, in his eyes a loser. I just think it’s tragic that I fucked that many men & didn’t once ever get half the excitement from any one of them, that I got from just sitting opposite Silverlining at bloody hungry jacks!! Not even a spark… Yet I walked away from meeting him with wet panties & making myself cum the second I got home to thoughts of him!

He starts oversharing his sexual experiences as a younger lad, saying that he was always begged by women for more. But he often because of his shape of his cock or because of how hard he fucked them, made the women bleed, he says that he’s surprised he never made me bleed, which he didn’t… He tells me about the women with fake tits that he fucked & hot it was, it makes me wonder how he ended up settling for someone like he did… He tells me that he’s fucked about 15 people but he says like me he didn’t have sex until he was about 19 or 20… Plus he’s been in a closed relationship where he was monogamous (until me) for over 10 years. I refuse to tell him how many I have… Lets just say it’s over 50 for me but under 100… OMG.

Silverlining rememeber how much i loved you

As we talk I ask him or suggest subtly that we need an app that I get notifications on, so I’m not a loser checking the app every 5 minutes even when I know he’s said goodbye for the night, because like tonight he is chatting constantly so I do check through the night to see if he’s had a chance to come back online. He says that all his accounts on the chat app are deactivated. He reminds me how many enemies he made on there & I know of course, I mean his last message in one of the groups was telling everyone that the profile picture of me with cum on my face was his cum. I tell him that I was sent that by 3 people & I laughed at first getting that he wanted everyone to know but then I felt so disrespected. He say that is wasn’t to disrespect me it was just him waving his cock around, which I knew. He doesn’t get why I thought it was so rude, I mean I wasn’t in the group he did it in, then I had to deal with all the messages from people asking what happened, people knew we were together but we never told anyone at all, so I had to deal with all the questions while he deleted his accounts. I remind him that everyone knew anyway, we were in every group together, admin in every group & we were always online at the same time, I wouldn’t chat much unless he was in the group chatting too… He then says that he needs to go to bed, I say goodnight & I love you & he replies “Nooooooot healthy #IBD4U. But love you too…” I smile like a wanker & cosy down for a restful night sleep.

On holidays from work, I went to sleep late because he & I were chatting all night, then I am awake at 7:30 am to 12 messages from Silverlining at 6:20 am. “Morning loser. So I have a problem. I’m allready addicted to you. I want to chat to you every second I can. I want to see you too. And I sure as hell want to fuck you. And I know that I love you. Think we need some boundaries and some rules and stuff. Have to chat to each other like once a week. And no sex ever lll. Because I don’t want to interfere with your work life , personal life and love life. Or make you unhappy.” While I am smiling like an idiot at how cute he can be, I can also read between the lines here… He is telling me what I want to hear but also telling me subconsciously that he is not leaving her still, even though he feels this way about me. I also don’t think we can only speak once a week, I mean, would he ever be able to do that? I mean I could, but he would have to be the one that deleted the app & didn’t come back. I would have no self-control. I ask him if he wants to hear a secret, but I don’t wait for his reply “I’m addicted too. I want to talk to you every second. I want to see you, even keep thinking when we can… I definitely want to fuck you too… I love you too & don’t want to ruin your life either!” He says that I’m tempting him & I say that I am not, he says “So you show all your friends pics of your pretty little wet cunt oozing out pure bliss after you’ve cummed?” I laugh & he tells me that he’s hard at the gym now. I tell him that he is still the best sex I’ve ever had, but I guess that I am only in the top 3 for him, behind the Asian he was able to fuck in the ass & his partner. “Na. Your number one you twat face. Number fucking the one.” FUCK. I send him a naked picture & tell him that I am so wet, it’s insane how wet I am just from chatting to him again, I haven’t cum this much in the last 18 months than I have with him since I saw him for lunch. He tells me that I’ve lost a lot of weight & look so good in the pictures that I send, that he wants to fuck me & we need to control ourselves, that old chestnut. When we talk about the fact that some of the guys I fucked in the last 18 months didn’t even make me cum, he is seriously perplexed about it saying how easy it is to make me cum, but he forgets that our chemistry makes me cum, not just what the guy is doing… “Probably didn’t help you trying to get over me tho” EXACTLY… Finally he gets it, that while I may have fucked a lot of guys since him, they didn’t fill the void, a void I was trying so hard to fill. He still says that he was expecting me to be over him & with someone buff who’s kinky… I mean not this old chestnut too? FFS. This is when I say why I think that I loved him more than he loved me, if he can really believe that I would be over him that quickly. “I honestly did. You can do so much better than a geeky loser dude that fills shelves ! I loved you so much twat face. Still fucking love you. Didn’t know you loved me as much as you did … But don’t you fucking deny what I had for you … You had me so fucking close …” That just fucks me off when he says that “You know what I think about that. You never believed me” but he snaps “I believed you … I could feel it … I didn’t realize how deep it was … I told you , You would never get over me … With my own words irl.” So see he tells me not to blame myself that his kids are the reason for his decisions but had I told him more that I was so in love with him…. I don’t think he realises what it means to me when he says that I had him so close, he sees it as a compliment, but then I realise that he didn’t know that I loved him as deeply as I did & it makes me realise that if he did, things may have still turned out the same because of the stunt she pulled however, he would have not doubted our life together, which I know he did. “I was so into you it was ridiculous. It was all consuming. I thought about nothing else but you. I thought about when I was going to see you again, what we would do… I thought about what you were doing when we weren’t messaging, when you would come back online. I thought about you at the gym, standing opposite me giving me a cheeky look as we worked out… I thought about dates & holidays we could go on… I thought of excuses you could use to see me more… ” It was all consuming for me “You were starting to consume me more. You became my hobby and my interests. I stopped doing everything I loved because I focused all my spare time on you pretty much.” We were in so deep… How the fuck did we lose it?

We start sexting a little, he says that he’s hard & I need to stop enticing him, I send him a picture & he says “You up to much this weekend?” I say nothing much, because I know that whatever time he says he’s free, I will make myself available for him, but I do have a few things on, but I try to act nonchalant about it so that he will give me times he’s free, but he says that he won’t be online much & doesn’t want me waiting around for a message, my heart sinks a bit even though I know it was his weekend off, it’s been a fortnight since I saw him at the show. He says goodbye again for the night, with chat soon & that I’m like a drug, I say I love you because I am not going to regret not telling him, even if I won’t ever have him, I want him to know.

I check the app so many times over night in case he comes online to chat to me again, but I fall asleep with nothing from him. At 6:30 am I get a message “How many times did you check your phone loser. I check a couple of times … I’ll admit it.. Good Morning for today’s when you get your ass out of bed” I say that I checked more time that I care to admit & want an app with notifications because I don’t want to be addicted like that, looking at the app all night & waiting. Then I ask why he didn’t message if he checked, but he says that he would have only had time for single messages & that he’s stubborn, there was nothing from me. He says that he’s stubborn but then starts missing me & starts taking more risks checking the app around his partner. I ask if he was waiting for me to write “Hey baby cakes, I check the app every 30 seconds hoping for a message from you. Love you” He laughs & says that would have been cute, he says he was awake at 5:30 am but waited like he always does. He says that he’ll be offline soon, it’s around 10:00 am, when she gets up but he still randomly finds time to message me throughout the day. We don’t say goodbye this day or I love you when we sign off, as he kept chatting most of the night, one message at a time, I never knew when he was going or coming back but I wake up to 37 messages from him, mostly about the fact I wrote him saying I was awake all night with really bad tummy cramps from lactose (I think). “Why are you so addicting? Our chat will come to an end so like some loser I’m writing as much shit as I can to you… You need to stay off chat when your in qld and enjoy your holidays. I’ll tell you off if you chat to me.” & amongst all the other messages there is a “Oh yeah figured out a good time we could meet again , Tuesday night for dinner” Ahhhh our usual night… Our usual thing, could I go back to this pattern again? I want it. I wonder if he’s serious, if he will actually see me again. He is constantly dangling the carrot of being with me but also dropping into the conversation subtle hints that he is not going to be chatting to me forever or that he is not leaving her. However regardless of how you all feel about this relationship, I want to see him more than ever, if he’s serious I will be there sucking his cock & fucking him, where ever & whenever he wants.

FUCK.

#IBD4U

Silverlining #21

Silverlining says that I know him so well & I say that he probably can’t list 5 things about me, I mean I feel like sometimes he doesn’t know me at all… I’m surprised when his list of 5 comes through about me, slowly but surely he sends each number through to me as a separate message & I see why it takes a long time between messages, I don’t interrupt him because I want & need to hear this from him… (spelling mistakes & all!)

  1. Your funny , you have a similar sense of Humour to me that is a little bit dad jokey, a little bit cheeky, a lot sarcastic , all rolled into one package.

*Shrugs* probably why you find me funny.

  1. You by far are the sexiest woman I have ever fucked in my entire life . The things you did for me , omfg . You made my dreams come true … my 14 year old pubescent dreams, my 35 year old man dreams, anything I wanted I got plus more . You are so fucking amazing in bed, so talented and so fucking sexy.

Just saying that made me hard …

  1. Your smart. Your not a dumb bimbo, you can think for yourself , you can fend for yourself, you’re a smart independent woman . I can actually have an intelligent conversation, I think your smarter than me , but unfortunately for you I can also see when your being dumb too.
  2. You have always done the right thing by me . Your very loyal . You kept your word and we became exclusive in our situation . You didn’t go crazy and destroy my marriage when you could of . You are a fucking amazing friend , I hope you friends truly know what kind of person you are and appreciate you for what you are . I know you’re the type of person who will do anything for your friends.
  3. Your honesty . It’s no secret , it’s one you have for me , and one that goes way back . We have always been super honest to other . Your naturally an over sharer which helps ! But I secretly love it . it caught my attention , it still captures my attention lol.

We have a very honest friendship , apart from that tiny little thing we wanna say.

Well HOLY FUCK!! I’m so surpised by this. He can still surprise me. I was expecting him to write no more than about 5 or 6 words – Sexy, Funny, Honest, Hot & good in bed. Not be that descriptive. I tell him to stop & he tells me that I should just take the compliment. Well to be honest, it’s not like he or any other guy gives me that many compliments, I struggle with taking compliments, even from my friends – let alone the man I love. I re read this list about 20 times. This is everything.

“But apparently I just used you for sex according to the masses” Well my mum was really the only one who planted that idea in my head but I did wonder sometimes. “But I’ll admit , you were my dirty little slut.” I tell him that he made a lot of my fantasies come true too & that I had so many firsts with him, he says bullshit to the firsts but that I deserve to live out my fantasies, so he’s glad he got to do them with me too. I start another lists of first I had with him

  1. I’d never tied myself up for someone before…
  2. Never made love
  3. Never been in love
  4. Never done anal in a car
  5. Never fucked in a carwash,
  6. Never fucked at a train station – He adds being tied up with cable ties
  7. Never had cum on my face
  8. Never fucked in an office before being tied with a usb cord
  9. Never wore lingerie for anyone before
  10. Never gave a guy my panties to keep

He adds cumming at the same time, which he didn’t think was possible & the stuff out of pure erotic fiction, according to him. I didn’t think it was possible but we were so in tune with each other that we were able too, not often, I will admit, but we did it a couple of times. I’m on a roll with firsts

  1. I never looked at a guy before you during sex
  2. I’ve never begged a guy to fuck my ass
  3. Never used a vibe in front of a guy before
  4. Never let a guy video me before or take pictures during sex

He gets on to the topic of how many guys I’ve fucked since him he keeps asking, his number is up to 21 & he says that it’s a compliment that I had to sleep with 21 guys to get over him, he says that he assumes that I fucked Max since him, which I haven’t really, he wouldn’t put on a condom so we didn’t have sex, but I’ve seen him. I tell Silverlining that I don’t want to tell him this stuff & he says ”I’ve made my bed and have to live in it” at least that’s true! I finally tell him that I’ve been with 26 guys & 1 woman since we ended a year ago… JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! First, why did I tell him & second, holy hell I’ve fucked a few too many people! I don’t know why I told him but he kept asking, then he tells me that the 3sum with his partner was shit, he had to take full control & tell the guy what to do, that he came really quickly too. I tell him that I went to a couple of play parties & swingers events but it wasn’t for me, I didn’t really enjoy it to be honest & haven’t been back since. I remind him that he refused to have a MFM with me but did it with his wife & he says that he didn’t say no to me, which is bullshit, it was never going to happen he was always to conscious about his cock, but I do remember looking for a few different guys. I stupidly tell him that I’ve been to maslins beach too, I hate that I tell him anything because he acts like a fucking wanker saying that I am kinky & I need it, that he’s not kinky that he would never go to the beach or a swingers party & just like rope, he makes me feel like shit about things I have done since being with him… Just like his partner does to him about his hobbies. When I say I’ve been to a swingers party he says “Ewww I’m going to have to glen 20 my lips now” I hate him when he is like this… I guess being with a woman for over 10 years that puts down everything you do, you start to do it to people too…

Silverling dumb as fuck

I remind him that I am STI free & ask how many he has? I am fucking angry when he is like this. I am almost certain that his partner has been cheating on him, how else does she randomly get an STI in her 30’s?! If I didn’t have it, Silverlining didn’t have it, Crows, Max & Sweetie didn’t have it… Where did she get it?! Anyway that’s not my business, nor do I care. He says that she’s had it for years & it’s something that develops, he says that he just sprayed his mouth with Glen 20 & says it takes like shit. “Good, I hope you choke on it!” He knows how to push my buttons “I can’t believe you live with someone with an STI & give me shit about being dirty… Fuck you are an asshole sometimes…” He says he’s joking but he should know how this feels. He says that the 3sum they had the guy came really quickly & had on a condom. “The mind boggles” & I laugh… Fuck he’s so annoying… He tells me that she always got my “sloppy seconds” when he did fuck her, he’d usually have fucked me before. OMG.

He tells me to calm down, he’s clean & I’m immunised, however he’s still fucking her without a condom obviously!? He tells me to stop wasting my love on a douche, that he’s the biggest one & then says that he thinks I like his douche side, which I do it turns me on he tells me that I’m fucked in the head, which I know. I mean Jesus I’m still chatting to him after what happened between us so yeah I know that I am not right in the head. I say that I enjoy our banter but that we can fight & still keep chatting, that if he was here, I would probably be bent over the kitchen counter. He agrees & says not to make him hard.

He says “You used to be my slut. Now your everyones” Fuck he’s a cunt. “Yeah… I was… No amount of dick has every replaced the way yours made me feel…” I fucking hate him right now. “Good come back. I’m a complete douche and your still nice.” I know it’s like his little test for me, like the lyrics of one of his favourite bands “I push you away until you beg me to stay just for the thrill of the chase” He says that he avoided me, didn’t stalk me at all in fear of finding out that I was happy & in love with some buff cool guy, that when I was a stranger to him on the app he realised that I was still in love with him. I tell him that I was trying not to think about the crazy sex they were having so I was trying to fill a void by fucking so many men, but he says that his sex is a lot calmer now & gone back to how it was though she sometimes encourages his dom side. I never had to encourage it, he just did it with me… I wonder if either of them ever think about that?!

He changes the subject knowing I am getting angry & asks about my work, I have told him before in earlier conversations that things have changed for me & he asks what. I say that we’re going through a merger, I’ve been moved teams without being consulted & I say while I absolutely love my job, it’s harder & harder to do it everyday because the environment & micromanagement. Also that what I had been working towards for the last 5 years in my job had been taken away from me, that I feel worthless. He says he’s freaking out about what he’s going to do next, that he’s just un-enrolled in uni & I say that I dropped out too last year. He keeps pressuring me to tell him what happened at my work, he says that he’s so scared & that his mum has messaged him to tell him it’s a good package & that he should leave his job but he’s so scared. He tells me not to leave my job, which I have no plans too, I love what I do but I had goals I was working towards & so I am worried about my future. I spill the whole story, which I won’t bore you all with but he says “So they don’t think highly of you ? And there trying to make you unhappy & leave ?” Yeah even he gets it.

We get on the topic of me travelling for work & how grumpy I would get at him if I didn’t get sex “I swear to god if you went one week without sex you were the grumpiest bitch ever” I laugh, I remember being grumpy when he didn’t find time to fuck me.

I tell him that I am eating & he says “Good look after yourself” I tell him that I am very aware that I have an eating disorder due to the stressors at work, that I discuss it with my psychologist all the time. He says that his eating disorder is the opposite to mine, he says he eats his feelings. I used to eat shit, but never ate a lot but somehow I was over 100kgs when I turned 30, but I’m hoping that being on three weeks holidays I can get back into a normal eating cycle, with a week away in Brisbane. He says that he’s stressed too & pissed off I noticed him shaking yesterday at lunch, I was shaking too, he says that he was so nervous & that it’s weird to be nervous around me. I agree, I mean this guy knows almost everything about me, has seen every inch of me, had touched every part of me & yet we were nervous. Then he catches me off guard.. “I wish we could of dated…” FUCK.

Fuck I wish I got to date him too. I mean I always wanted too, we did get a few dates but nothing like I would have wanted to do with him, movies & dinners… But I tell him I’ve been wet all day chatting to him & he says that he’s hard & sends me a picture as proof, as if I need it because I know he would be hard if he tells me he is. He says he wish he felt how wet I was when we met, that he was hoping to finger me but was definitely not going to fuck me. “Stop encouraging this, We can’t fuck! We just friends biatch.” Then he tells me he freaked out about my perfume because it was strong, but it was just normal & he says that he doesn’t normally get this hard this often. “Should of come over and fucked me today dammit” JESUS! I thought he just said we aren’t having sex!!! He says that it’s his day off & his daughter sleeps from about 11:30 am to 2:30 pm, so he could have a couple of hours with me… OMFG! Would I go? To his house… Again?!

I say that we could control ourselves but he says that we can’t. I am desperate to see him again, I am dying to feel his hands on me to be honest, I am pissed off that I didn’t touch him more at hungry jacks, even innocent touches. I tell him I have a little fantasy that I think about a lot when I cum he says to please share “I’m tied up… Usually wrists to ankles, with the vibe on my clit, nipple clamps on, the vibe set to the prick setting making me dripping wet… I keep begging you to cum but you just watch & tell me not to move but I keep moving so you slap my face. Then grab it roughly & tell me to do as I’m told so I lay still, like a good girl till I’m begging you to cum again… Which is when you slip your cock in, choke me & make me cum on your cock.” He says that it’s very hot fantasy & he loves it. I remind him of the one & only time he slapped me across the face consensually during sex, he ripped off the body stocking I was wearing, choked me with it then slapped my face, I loved it… “I trusted you with everything. You could’ve done anything to me.” he says that he knows. He says that he’s so hard & we sext for a bit longer before he has to go to school pick up. He says “Your lucky I don’t come over and rape you” & I know that he can’t but fuck I want him so badly…

We talk about all our videos & gifs & pictures, he said that he lost them recently with the calculator app when he got a new phone. I tell him that I have them all on USB, well my sister has it all. He asks why & I know he knows, I tell him that I was prepared to be hurt by his partner “I have no doubt she would of killed you if she went to you …. She got close to stabbing me lol” Ummmm, how is that funny?! He says that he held a knife, a piece of mirror & a bottle at him then night she found out about me. FUCK me… Really?! He says he never admitted to her about me going to their house & I say “At least she can feel safe in her house” not like me, who’s installed security cameras & told my neighbours to watch out for her car.

He then kind of turns all the stuff of me being kinky or liking rope, going to swingers parties & maslins & uses it against him & how he’s not cool & wouldn’t do that stuff. I snap & remind him that I didn’t have sex for months after we ended, he then comes back online with a matching account to her in an open relationship, telling me how hot his sex life is that I snapped & went out to fuck anything & everything I could. Trying to find a connection like I had with him… He says “I’m just giving you shit out of jealousy” which I know but he’s a dick when he does, I know him so well, he says that he wouldn’t have gone with me if I asked & he would have stopped me from going if we were together, but well, we probably didn’t need to go to a party being our sex life is so hot but if I asked, he would have gone with me. He says that I don’t know him that well if I think that… Well maybe not? We have a fight over who is the biggest loser, not of weight but who is the biggest loser in life, I think I am winning being he thinks everything I do is stupid… He says a very quick abrupt good bye “Gotta go, chat later. Love you you loserOMG, he’s said it today. I say that I love him back & he’s gone! I lay down to have a nap…

I wake up & stupidly check the app, I have told him that I want to use the chat app with him so I can get notifications cos it’s annoying looking at this app constantly waiting for his messages… I sit bolt upright when I read his latest line of messages “I was hoping for a better goodbye but tried to warn you ! This isn’t healthy though #IBD4U , I think you falling more for me the more we talk again and catch up ! But you are so much better than you’ll ever know , be proud of who you and what you have achieved! I honestly think it’s cool you went to swingers parties actually jealous I’d never have the confidence to do it. Your not a loser and fucking amazing x. Love stupidly always. Silverlining”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Is he going to ghost me?

#IBD4U

Silverlining #20

So Silverlining & I have met after a year of not speaking. We’ve said I love you to each other’s faces. We saw the look in our giveaway eyes. We’ve gotten a few answers. We said the things we needed to say. We’ve felt the ridiculous chemistry that crackles between us. We got a kiss on the lips & a hug. That’s enough right? We’ve scratched the itch, we don’t need to keep going now, we can say goodbye & be happy that we’re both happy?! But are we both happy? (Record for how many times I said happy in one sentence?! Hahaha)

Silverling be fortunate

I am driving home – literally so turned on from the electricity between us, but I refuse to message him, he will probably refuse to message me too. I don’t have to wait long before he messages me “Hey stranger” I smirk like a fucking idiot when I see it pop up – I stupidly have the app open as I don’t get notifications on this app. I write back that I am so fucking turned on just by sitting opposite him & I say that I’m stupid, that I wish I touched him more. He says “Phew I thought I was the only one.” Which I’m not sure if he’s referring to being turned on or wanting to touch me. He says that if there wasn’t a dude sitting opposite us the whole time he was going to finger me. OMG that would have been fun…

I say that I’m glad I told him that I loved him, it was hard to say but I really do love him & he reminds me that he had to force it out of me & that he was thinking about fingering me, which made him hard the whole time we were together. I knew he would have a twitching cock, but I didn’t think he’d be hard the whole time!

I say that I tried to stop looking at him because I could the see I want to fuck you look & suggest that next time we sit in the car… OMG – there is going to be a next time?! He says “Boundaries #IBD4U. Gotta keep those boundaries.” But then he agrees that we need to have lunch in the car. Hahaha.

I tell him though that I can control myself, I did want to fuck him but if we met again I could control myself “If I whispered in your ear I wanted to fuck my dirty little slut … You could control yourself? While my fingers circle inside you lil went cunt that always gets dripping for me. I doubt it” Fuck he knows what to say to get me going. I tell him that if he’s doing that to me then that is him not controlling himself, then I send him a picture of me using my vibrator. My god I am so turned on right now, I cum really quickly & he sends me seven messages in a row “#IBD4U. OMG. Fuckik. That is sooo hot. Fuck I want to fuck you. Boundaries ! Lucky I wore baggy pants today.” I tell him that the picture was an accident & he knows I am lying so he laughs. I tell him that we are not having sex & he needs to control himself. Then he says “Why did I find it hotter that I saw you in that cute little dress to and wanted my fingers to touch that cute little wet cunt.” He didn’t say too much about how I looked & he says that he says I looked good several times & that I don’t need to lose more weight. Then when he says “My eye should have told you too !” & I know they did, our eyes when they meet are a dead giveaway. He then asks how much perfume I am wearing today, I mean he makes me feel like I stink but he says he can still smell me & so he’s coating himself in lynx. He says that he thinks that meeting up made things worse because I’m suppose to hate him & not want to fuck him, he asks what I see in him but then he goes for ages & I don’t hear from him, assuming he’s home & deleted the app.

His message when he returns a little later that night “FFS. My sister and her bf were at my parents. I said you were my union rep reviewing my package …” FUCK so they asked who I was”?! “My sister goes in front of my whole family. Apparently you were cheating on k… Keto in hungry jacks. I was like yeah, keto. Then mum asked who I was with. Fuck I’m a good liar.” Interesting, he is not a good liar with me, I can tell by his eyes when he lies to me & his tone… I don’t know how they don’t pick up on it?!

He actually has a moment of weakness & asks my opinion of if he should stay at his job or take the redundancy. “What do you think I should do? And keep in mind I don’t ask for advice or help Often !” I know he doesn’t ask for help & so I tell him that he should take the package & find his passion, I mean I’ve said it to him before but he hasn’t asked me quite like this before… “I’ll be honest with you. I’m sacred shitless.” Fuck I never expect him to be vulnerable with me, even if it is about his work. When he says that he has to go, that he’ll chat later, I say “Love you… xxx” he says “Chat later sexy bitch xx. Probably tomorrow lol. Argh. Love you too x”

FUCK

I go out that afternoon for some wines with a friend, I refuse to tell her what I was up too today. I haven’t really shared what with a lot of friends that I am chatting to him again, I haven’t told anyone but my sister that I was planning on meeting him again & that I actually went through with it. Everyone would tell me not too, they would have the eye roll moments & tell me off for doing it. No one gets it. I don’t even think a lot of you understand why I had to do it. I needed to see if the chemistry was still there, if there was a reason why I was still torturing myself every day thinking of him. I was hoping to see him & it change how I felt about him. I go to bed at 8:30 pm but wake up at all 11:30 pm & can’t sleep thinking about him. I message him late at night to tell him that he’s not the only loser awake at weird times thinking about us. He says that he doesn’t mean to be a burden of a drug. He is my Edward from Twilight. He asks what I was doing up at 5:00 am & asks if I was flicking the bean. I laugh & tell him that I did have some sexy thoughts about him & made myself cum. He asks what were the thoughts “Well, I thought about if you were next to me. How I’d wake you up for sex… then imagined my legs on your shoulders… Your hand roughly grabbing both my wrists above my head, other hand on my throat tightly… Sliding your cock slowly in my very open cunt… Then pounding my super wet pussy hard till I squirted…” He says “Fuck you #IBD4U.” & then I get a hard dick pic from him! We both say how much we miss when I would squirt just from his cock & he says that he’s going to have to jerk off over me today. I say “Are you allowed to masturbate, better get permission” I mean who has masturbate anyway?! Hahaha. We talk about our sex life before, him fucking my tits & cumming on them, how I would wear his cum all day when he did cum on me somewhere, usually my tits & how well I sucked his cock.

I ask him that when he used to wake up at 5:00 am, what the used to think about, was it just sex or something else. “I lamely want to hear from you and speak to you again … Get a message from you …Then think about stuff” I ask so many times but he won’t tell me what stuff… I can only assume about us being together & what our life would be like if he was brave enough to take a chance on me. I ask him if his family know the extent of the affair with me, like how close he was to leaving her & that he was in love with me, I wasn’t just a one night stand & he says that he avoids it at all costs with them, doesn’t tell them anything but says his family love his partner & they even offered for her to stay with them during the break up… OMG. He says he stayed at his parents house the night his stuff spent at my house, I had asked him to stay he but he said he had him mum in his ear, his partner (he uses her name which is rare) in his ear “Don’t ever think it was your fault. Cos it never was. And it hurt me so much thinking you always thought it was your own fault. Killed me hearing that as a stranger. And I’ve always told you can do so much better than me.” I hate when people say that, because if I could do better, then I wouldn’t be single? I tell him that it hurts that he listened to them over me, I was begging him to come stay with me & he listened to them & stayed at his parents house. He says that he will always believe what I tell him over his mum & partner, but that bullshit. He says he has issues of his own, which I know about & that his kids had more impact than he thought. I mean his daughter was only 3 months old at the time, so I get it.

He asks me again since I didn’t answer him before, what do I see in him, he says that I’ve probably fucked 99 guys since him & got Motocross, that I should be forgetting about what I had with Silverlining. I tell him that I can list 5 things without even thinking about it – I know he won’t believe me anyway or find some way to say that this isn’t true but anyway, I list my 5

  1. You’re funny (regardless of what you say)
  2. You’re devoted to your family
  3. You’re passionate & driven (even if at the moment it doesn’t feel like it because of your work circumstances)
  4. Our chemistry & connection is unheard of … No one can deny that sparks crackle between us.
  5. I love you.

And since I can keep going, I do, before he can say anything

  1. You’re also very sexy & good looking (Again despite what you say – you’re not fatter than ever)
  2. How honest you are with me… Even when it hurts or upsets me.
  3. How you make me feel about myself . You give me confidence & make me feel like there is no one else hotter than me.

I add number 9 when he says exactly what I think he’ll say, about being unemployed & not funny or sexy gruff, gruff, gruff.

  1. How well I know you & what you’re thinking.

#IBD4U

Spotify

A while ago, I said I was going to make a Spotify play list for heartbreak & the songs that make me feel powerful. I have been working on this a while & with a writers block preventing me from writing – I don’t know if this is because stuff I have going on in my life right now, or the story that’s coming, but I am struggling to write for my blog at the moment… Writers block is eminent!

So this is a lame cop out of a blog post! Hahaha… SORRY.

I’ve had writers block before, but usually I can push through it, however, at the moment, I have a lot of things going on personally at the moment, that aren’t putting me in a good frame of mind. These issues in my life are 100% not related to dating, so don’t get excited for juicy posts coming up. Things that happened in 2019 are catching up with me in more ways than one, but again like I said it’s not about dating so I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s making it hard to write about anything – something I love doing, along with other hobbies that have been taken away from me recently, which express my creative side… It’s hard to be positive on here sometimes.

Spotify 2019 destroyed us a little

So anyway this blog is about the playlists that I was creating a while ago on Spotify. I hope you enjoy them. There are 4 on the #IBD4U account.

  • 💔 – brokenhearted songs
  • ♥ – love songs
  • 💪- strong recovery songs.
  • 📻 – Podcast (the only one that I was on & the hopes that my own podcast will get off the ground one of these days!)

These songs I’ve added obviously mean something to my story for me & have mostly featured in my story, so I hope they take you back to the place in the blog where they featured!

I have made them collaborative, so you can (hopefully) add songs to it too… I’d love to hear what you add.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2DylrroylukVDl5AeMD7Ai?si=trN74nqFTDauRI9U1RrmVQ

Sorry again for a lame post today, but I have been meaning to share these, there were going to be on a non blog post day but I hope that I have a proper post for you on Friday!

In the mean time, enjoy listening!

What do you think?!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #19

After the gym today, some may say that I have a moment of insanity, maybe it’s because he said he was going to kiss me, but I say “Well, I could meet you for lunch today”  FUCK… My plans have changed & I want to get this out of the way… We want to meet, so just fucking do it, I can’t message him any longer without seeing him again. I have to see him, I want to see him, he wants to see me. He replies “Haha, I say I’m going to kiss you and suddenly your free for lunch.” He says that he’s keen for lunch today, if I am too. He says to meet him at 12:00 pm at Hungry Jacks (fucking HJ’s) & with that, I speedily get ready – not caring as much today what I look like & I am in the car driving the old route to his work…

I shake as I drive past his work, thinking that I might see him walking to his car & that might settle me, I am early, because that the stupid shit I do – I hate people who are late – but I can ever run late. I see him drive into the car park as I’m sitting in the car & then walking into the Hungry Jacks with a piece of paper in his hand & his keys. He looks the same as I remember, his shirt looks about 20 sizes too big – but he looks the same. I am wearing a short denim dress that’s button up the front, with long sleeves, I’m wearing cute brown sandals, my hair has fallen perfectly, my makeup is subtle & just right, I feel good. I get out the car as he’s walking past & he sees me. FUCK. He turns to come over towards my car, I am shaking like a leaf – I haven’t seen him for over a year. He looks the same, yet somehow different. He’s tall & I have to stand on my tippy toes & he has to bend to hug & kiss me. We have a lingering hug – the type of hug that makes you feel like you’re home & a kiss on the lips hello, before walking into HJ’s. He tries to get me to order something, but I don’t & can’t eat. It smells gross to me right now. There are too many stressors in my life to be eating. We sit down at a table & he scoffs his meal, we chat semi awkwardly.

I feel it – FUCK, I  feel it… That chemistry, that crackle between us. It was there when we first met, those are the exact words I said over two years ago. It was there every time I saw this man, it never went away. It’s there now, I feel so alive when I’m with him, all my senses are heightened – his smell, how he looks & his touch… Every fibre of my being wants this man. Whether that is right or wrong, I want him. whether he is going to be with me ever, I still want him.  I can feel how much he wants me too, I am certain that I’ve made his cock twitch, if it’s not entirely hard, I know he’s aroused, just by being in my presence…

Silverling hugs are underrated

He shows me the pieces of paper he’s brought along with him, I can’t help but think for an instant that it’s a NDA like Christian Grey. Hahaha. But he’d told me he just had his redundancy meeting & this is his offer. He asks my opinion, if I think he should take it & I say that he should find his passion, how often do we get that chance in life to get a pay out & find what we love doing? If I was ever made redundant, I’d take it for sure.

Silverlining shoves a chip at my mouth & I say that I can’t eat it but he forces me to eat this one chip. He has a sad look in his eyes, begging me to look after myself, that I eat the chip & he smiles. He fidgets with his piece of paper, folding it & unfolding it, trying not to look me in the eyes, knowing that our eyes are a dead give away to each other. I fight with my keys on the table, wanting so badly to reach across the table & hold his hand, I come close to touching his hand, but I chicken out. I can see in his eyes what he’s feeling, so when we do lock eyes, they meet & without words, I know everything I need to know about him. He loves me & I can tell that he is genuinely torn. I know that he says he loves his partner, but there is no way that he looks at her the way he looks at me. I can tell… There are some things you can’t fake. He’s shaking too, I can tell, when he holds the papers, the way he talks, the way he’s acting, I know he’s nervous & this is just as hard for him as it is for me. I can see in his eyes that his is torn, I know he wants this with me, I can feel it, I can see it. But I can also see the anguish of not wanting to leave his family unit either… I can honestly, for the first time, see the absolute struggle he is having between what he thinks he should do & what he wants to do. I saw the struggle the day he was at my house, but that isn’t the same as what I’m seeing now. That day it was too raw & with her messing with his head, he was unsure about what to do, but now in this moment, I can see the hurt & pain he is in being here with me.

Then suddenly a dude appears & Silverlining looks up at him, who is sort of hovering over our table, over the partition while waiting for his food. I just think it’s a weirdo in HJ’s when Silverlining says ‘hey man’ & they ask each other how they are. I just think nothing of it so turn away thinking it’s either a customer from Silverlining’s work or just a random hey between guys who made eye contact – though I didn’t think that Silverlining would be the type to do that. When the guy says bye as he’s walking out & Silverling says see ya man or something, I look up at Silverlining & there is a freaked out look on his face. “FUCK that was my sisters fiancé” Oh now he uses the word fiancé?! WTF.  Fuck me sideways…. I seriously cannot believe that we’ve just been sprung! I ask if he’ll say anything & he says probably to his sister but she won’t say anything to his partner apparently. Well fuck. I am fucked if his partner finds out that he’s had lunch with me! Jesus, of all the places for us to get spotted, I never thought it would be at Hj’s… He doesn’t seem as worried about it as me…

As we sit there chatting about his redundancy & how shit things are for me at work, I am still playing with his keys, wanting so badly to reach out & touch his hands, which are so close to me. He’s fidgeting with the paper still, that I feel like he wants to touch him too, but he’s holding back. We always hold back with each other. However, I fucking can’t bring myself to do it. This is a man who has been intimate with me on so many levels, seen every part of me physically, yet I can’t reach out & touch his hand. What if he pulls away because he realises that this is a mistake, meeting me again? Seeing me again? I always struggle with affection, I know I’ve done it with other men too, but this guy is different, isn’t he? Why can’t I touch him? I guess it’s lucky I didn’t because how would he explain that to his brother-in-law-to-be?

When he looks me dead in the eye, I almost know what’s coming, our time is almost up, he has to go back to work & so he says “Is there anything you want to say to me?” I know what he is referring too, I know what he wants me to say. He’s always said it first, he said it in message first when we admitted it finally, he said it first in real life when he was at my house & he’s admitted who he was first when we were strangers & that he still loved me first this time, I know he wants me to say that I love him first now that we’re face to face… It’s something he knows I struggle with & to be honest, I probably would wait for him to say it if he didn’t prompt me like this. But I need to do this too, I should have already said it, it was my regret, why haven’t I said it yet? I can’t joke about this, I can’t be a dick about it either, this is my time to tell him what I am feeling, what I feel, my big regret can be reversed here. I shouldn’t need to be prompted but I am going to do it. I look him in the eye, he’s looking at me wanting to hear it just as much as I want to say it, I can see that in his eyes, he needs to hear it from me, probably more than I need to say it “I love you Silverlining” he smiles as it washes over him, a look in his eye that I know he feels it, he doesn’t say it back so I say “Is there anything you want to say to me?” & laugh & he says “I love you #IBD4U” OH FUCK. There is nothing I like more than saying this to him, to his face, to rectify things I regretted before. Despite what you all think of him, if I am doing the wrong thing, but I love him & there is nothing I can do to change that right now.

#IBD4U

My Musings

So here’s what’s up:

For those of you that follow the blog on Facebook & saw a reader comment repeatedly calling me a ‘slut’, a ‘home wrecker’ & I believe that everyone who commented were labelled ‘spastic sluts’ also, then as any keyboard warrior does, it was deleted – not by me, while I don’t condone this kind of hate speech directed as someone personally, I believe everyone has a right to an opinion & so I won’t delete or block someone from having a difference of opinion to me.

However, I think it’s a timely reminder that THIS IS MY DIARY. I am not forcing you to read, I am not writing to get advice or be told how to live my life or how shit I am or what I’ve done is wrong. You may have an opinion on what I write – I know I have opinions on other blogs I read, on my choices on what I do, you often have advice for me (even though we’re still reading about 2019 – I thank you for your advice), you all engage in the story & I love that! My favourite part of my readers, is when there is an online troll, you all jump to my defence, sometimes before I even see the comments. Thank you for that.

I am not perfect.

I make mistakes.

I am not proud of some of the things I have done.

Would I change it if I could? Perhaps.

But I don’t regret my decisions.

I have read a lot over the years from other blogs, articles etc, which all have an opinion on cheaters – some good, some bad, most say don’t blame the mistress, blame the person you are in a committed relationship with – regardless if you chose to stay or not, they are the ones you need to make things right with. I get you can hate her or him, they did make a decision to fuck your partner too but they aren’t the one who did wrong by you, they aren’t committed to you.

I watched as a 20 year old, my parents go through infidelity, I never found out how long the affair was with my mums best friend, but I don’t think it was long. I don’t know if there were feelings involved, but I know my parents went to counselling to get through it, so I know that marriages can survive infidelity. I’ve never said that every marriage is doomed after someone cheats.

My musings she is me

I have never denied that Silverlining & his partner couldn’t work though his infidelity & come out the other side stronger – I sort of hoped for that because then he wouldn’t be online ever again & maybe I would have been able to move on. But how can you come out the other side, or get over infidelity when either party aren’t willing to work on it? Lets take his partner for example, bringing me up daily, never letting him forget me. Does that sound like forgiveness? She knows he was in love with me – that he broke my heart via her stalking my Facebook, I believe that she knew the affair was over a year long too. Personally, I would never want to bring up the mistress if my partner ever cheated on me & I chose to stay, especially if I knew that he loved her. I would want him to forget her & his feelings for her but bring her up daily would remind him that he’s not with her & that I’m not over it either – I’m still punishing him in a way. If there were multiple women, with no feeling, I think that would be easier to get over, he would honestly be able to say to me that it meant nothing. I discuss this in my blog Cheat vs Affair. Lets take Silverlining for example – yes many of you say that he’d do the same to me if we were together, however if he was really committed to her, he never would have looked online for gratification that he craves. Regardless of what we think if it’s right or wrong, so many men & women do this daily, find people to chat too online, perhaps meet to fill a void they have with their relationship.

I am not an expert in relationships. I do not even pretend to know what I am doing in my own life to be really honest with you. But I do believe that happy people, in love with their partner, truly committed to their partner would never cheat on them. Use all the excuses in the world, but I don’t believe if you are happy & committed, that you’d be willing to risk all that for a bit of side sex… I don’t know, like I said I’m no expert & happy to hear your opinions, have you cheated? Why did you cheat? Were you looking for something else? Were you trying to fill a void? What does that void mean? Have you been cheated on? Did you get the apology vomit from your partner? Did you stay with them or did you walk?

But just wanted to say, again. I am not perfect. You’re just reading one side of the story, one side of a very big story. There are multiple people involved here, you hear one side. My rose coloured glasses side.

But if my story upsets you, don’t read it. It has triggers. So stop reading. I promise you if you’re hating it, just stop reading!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #18

I literally am in a daze. I have just been bailed on for meeting the man that I am still in love with for lunch. How fucking stupid do I feel!?

Over the course of the next hour, I do not look at the app. I don’t get notifications from it either, so I try to do something to keep busy. When I see his name pop up as he’s sent me an email. The title says “Photo in hospital to prove I’m not lying.” & the body of the email contains a photo of her arm in bed & part of the hospital room & he writes “I deleted the app as I do regularly and it won’t Let me send a pic … I didn’t lie or mean to hurt you today …” I stare at it for ages. I notice the date on the whiteboard, it’s today’s date. It kind of fucks me off that he thinks I would imply that he’s lying to me. I check the app & see several messages from him too “I really didn’t mean to make you feel stupid or not go through with I swear to god. She’s knocked out on morphine right now and I’m bored outta my brains. I sent you a pic of hospital as proof as I’m lame haha. And I feel so bad for letting you down. To your email cos the app won’t let me” I don’t reply for ages. I can’t. I am hurt, I know it’s not his fault but I am feeling so foolish… Why did I even think meeting him was a good idea… When has anything ever gone my way with this man?!

Despite all your advice that you give me on Facebook, trust me if you were telling me this story, I would tell you to run a mile too – walk away. But somehow I can’t help myself. He tugs at my heart strings & I can’t help but be drawn back in. I write to his app messages & his email on the app snapping “I never said you were lying” I know that if he’s made plans to see me & he changed his mind, that he would just tell me that it’s not a good idea, he wouldn’t make up a story that I could easily verify just by walking into her work. It takes all of my effort not to write more, but I am upset, I am not angry, I am just numb & hurt by this. He tells me that being at the hospital is the last place he wants to be, he hates them & he’s worried that his ‘crazy ass random event’ happens at the exact same times he’s supposed to meet me, he thinks it looks suss… Well it does, but I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t use a stupid excuse not to see me, I know that he would tell me the truth & he would bail, he says that he really wanted to see me today & I say that it’s lucky he emailed because the app doesn’t give me notifications & I only checked it because I got the notification of his email. He didn’t realise that I had to check the app every time I got a message from him & I say “Yeah cos I’m a foolish wanker he tells me that I am not, as usual, but I am such a fool. “Well only a fool would love me. Your not a fool. Your sexy and smart and far from a fool. You’re the smartest person I’ve chatted to ever. So many chicks are dumb online.” Fuck I am so dumb… I am not smart at all when it comes to him… “What smart woman spends an hour getting ready so it doesn’t look like I put in that much effort. To sit in front of the heater alone watching Netflix? Yeah so smart!” I want to make him feel bad, even though it’s not his fault. I want him to realise how much effort I give him & he treats me badly, even if he couldn’t help it. “I know you put in a lot of effort and would of look super cute for me … You wanted my eyes to give you the look they always do. And I would of noticed. I’m sorry #IBD4U , I really am.” He also says that he didn’t want to have sex with me today so he’s not sure why I wore lingerie. I am not sure either, I mean we were meeting at Hungry Jacks. I wasn’t planning on fucking him, but with the weight I’ve lost due to work stress, this is the only bra that fits me, so I wore the matching panties. I tell him this & that I won’t fuck him without condoms anyway & I don’t have any. I know he’s trying to joke here, but it makes me furious “Haha well no point really fucking then , I know how you feel and it’s not the same. But I don’t blame you either. And I feel the same way about you , god knows how many guys you’ve been with since me.” Did he seriously just say that to me!? His partner has a confirmed STI… “Actual fuck you for saying that Silverlining. I’ve been STI tested 4 times since knowing you, 3 times since we ended…” Fuck he’s a jackass.

He sends me pictures of his sandwich & says something about eating carbs which is how he knows he’s feeling shit, because he’s been doing keto. I don’t reply. Fuck him. “I’m a dick. FFS. Please eat and look after yourself. Ps my partner hasn’t looked you up on Facebook in a while. Just checked while she’s passed out lol” OMG so now he goes through her phone too? These two are fucking insane! He says that he’s looked at her chat app too & seen a picture of Crows & says that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on him being he’s so unreliable when I could have Crows – well first I couldn’t have Crows as he is just as unreliable. & I tell Silverlining to stop looking at men I’ve fucked & torturing himself. Fucking stop stalking people… (What he should have said to his partner about stalking me!) “You’re being so rude to me. Push me away all you want, it didn’t stop me from loving you before. What makes you think it’ll work now?” I am fucking over it. He says that ‘curiosity got the worse of him’ Yeah I’ll say it did… He basically just called me a skank with an STI. He says that he didn’t call me that & doesn’t hold it against me how many men I’ve been with since him 12 months ago. But he clearly is holding it against me. He guesses 12 & I didn’t really think that he would try to guess – this is not a good idea. I don’t want to tell him that number. He says he knows I was trying to tell him things to make him jealous when we were strangers & he’s right, I was & did. He says that I’ve always been an oversharer & why we couldn’t be friends. “And why we shouldn’t be friends!” I can’t believe he’s said that “Coming from ‘Mr I’m choking my partner tonight after she’s fucked some guy & sent me pictures…” & his reply makes me laugh – stupidly “We can go back to pretending to be strangers ?” then he asks how I found that out, I mean he fucking told me!! He doesn’t remember telling me that. Well I guess we’re both oversharers. “I was always more honest with you than I was with my partner , probably still am.” I don’t get why you would want to be with someone that you either have to or choose to lie too?

We talk about the guy that I fucked that I cried with after Silverlining & a few other guys, he gets all judgy about me doing rope & the people that go to that too & I try to just stop replying but I can’t. “I’ve only fucked my partner since you too btw” That makes me feel oddly smug! I am glad of that to be perfectly honest, he says that he never had much luck & she even tried to get him girls too but she couldn’t. I can’t help but think sucked in you asshole. He tells me that his partner fucked three guys but he got nothing! OMG – Why is he telling me this?!

He says she tried pretty hard with Crows but he wouldn’t fuck her & this other guy the one of my friends used to fuck regularly, but she never did. That has made me feel smug too, the fact that people on the chat app are more loyal to me than I thought they would be. He asks why I am not still fucking Crows & I explain that he called me beautiful & then I never saw him again, not sure if they were related but it was weird. “You do look beautiful. I bet you looked so beautiful for me today.” FUCK.

Silverlining why i love that human

Silverlining tells me that he’s too embarrassed to tell me what his hobby is, he tells met that his phone broke a few months back & it took him ages to fix it so he had time to do things that he wanted too do & he wasn’t so obsessed with social media. He says that he has to go & I say to tell me, then he’s gone. The next morning he says “Fun fact , my partner has always put down my interest and hobbies my whole life and is openly honest about calling me a loser about it.” WTF?! Why aren’t these 2 supporting each other?! I bet she has hobbies that he might think is lame, but doesn’t tell her… Though fun fact, Silverlining has put down my interests in rope about a million times, even to the point where if things didn’t go south with the people who ran the club, I probably would have stopped going anyway… So in fact, he’s no better! But I guess it’s easy to put me down to make himself feel better about the fact he thinks he’s not good enough for me. I tell him that it hurts me that he thinks that I would ever put him down for his interests & hobbies. I would never do that, I am always supportive of everything he’s ever chosen to do. I hate that he puts me down for something he doesn’t understand after now confessing that that’s what his partner does to him, I’m surprised that he would do it to me, knowing how it feels.

He sends me 15 messages to basically tell me that his hobby is buying old computers off Facebook marketplace, doing them up & selling them… OMG. Why would he even think that I would judge him for that, I know that he’s got a thing for computers & gaming consoles, I mean all he brought to my house was fucking computer shit, why would he think that I didn’t realise that what he is into? I say that it’s adorable, but he just thinks he’s a major geek. It is geeky, but like I say to him, at least he’s not wasting his money on cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, he’s actually doing something with his time.

He changes the topic “Oh yeah even though I wasn’t going to fuck you yesterday (despite wanting too lol) I really wanted to give you a hug and kiss you.” OH FUCK. I am at the gym, going on with my life, I’m assuming that he’s called in sick to look after her, so I say goodbye assuming he’ll be gone when I am done. He says that she’s off today anyway – she won’t take medication when she feels a migraine coming on & then this type of thing happens but he’s at work today. Seriously, if I was admitted to hospital, I would make my partner stay at home – these two are weirdos! “I was going to kiss you … no matter what … really wanted to kiss you.” FUCK.

#IBD4U

Silverlining #17

The next morning, I wake up to nothing from Silverlining. He’s so predictable, he says that he gets to start work late so hasn’t got out of bed yet. He says that he can’t always be easy on me, making him message first, which I know he hasn’t done at all, even as a stranger.

He tells me never to have kids, getting them ready for school is a nightmare, I slip in the fact that I can no longer have them anyway & he says that he wants to get the snip. He asks why I can’t have them & I tell him that I made my decision permanent. “Wow. You know if everything went right with me leaving my partner and I lost custody of my kids I would of begged you to have kids right ?” Well I reply that he would of got sole custody, what judge is giving his mentally ill partner custody, “I would’ve had a kid with you” even if he had custody – which is fucking hard for me to admit, but I would of had a child, possibly even children with him. I would have had his child, if he asked… FUCK that is hard to admit. I say that I can still technically have a child, I’d just have to do IVF. I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t have even said anything about not wanting kids way back when we were together, if then that wouldn’t have been a factor – it might’ve been easier for him to leave her, knowing there was that chance to have children with me!? I’ll never know, if I asked now, he would say no anyway.

He also says that he didn’t actually want sole custody (& I kept pushing that down his throat – maybe another mistake on my part.) but he didn’t want them in another state & him not able to see them at all, which is what she threatened. Would things be different if I wasn’t so against having kids of my own?! He always said I hated kids, which I do not, I love kids, I just didn’t want them of my own. But I know that if we were together & he asked me to have one, I would have.

While I’m spending a lot of time getting ready for our lunch date – trying to look effortlessly put together, we are messaging constantly. He tells me that he can’t ever join the chat app again as he made way too many enemies on there, that I have too many friends on there & that his partner still has it on her phone. Oh good, so she’s probably stalking me on there. He says that she tried but couldn’t find me – OMFG. What the fuck is wrong with this person… He says that she went back on dating apps a few times too, enjoying the chatting with people more than he thought she would. He says that he lost interest when it all started getting back to me. He didn’t know how connected I was & that anything would get back to me. He says something about liking the gratification of how women make him feel on internet chat, even if he’s never going to do anything with them, he’s gratified. It’s so weird how this man is so insecure about how he looks in my eyes yet, other women tell him he’s sexy or has a big dick & he believes them. It fucks me off to be honest. I mean I get that he thinks that I’m too good for him but yet he also knows that I was in love with him – he says he saw it in my eyes, but yet doesn’t believe me when I tell him his good looking?! Fuck he’s confusing.

Silverlining toxic people drink poison

When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit! I ask if he’s ok with her stalking me daily & he says “I’m the one that had an affair .. What say do I have” OMG. Is he serious?! Just tell her to fucking stop or block my profile on her phone when she’s not looking, fucking hell he’s a dickhead sometimes. He says that he reckons they’ll break up when the kids are in high school – I can’t help but think about what type of life either of them & their kids are having when she brings me up daily.

But then he says “Might have to pull out of today” & I start shaking… I knew it… FUCK. “My partner is in super look out today. Or push it back later so it doesn’t look suss” OMG. I snap & tell him not to pull out now, I’m about to fucking leave to meet him. “My partner is in overdrive today ffs.” I tell him to just go to the gym near his work & he says that he’s already been to the gym & she’s noticed that he’s done that differently today than usual. He says she got angry because he didn’t reply when he was in the shower. OMG, so he has to shower at certain times of day on the days he works late or she gets angry?! “Your name comes up daily she doesn’t let me forget you I assure you …” I am fucking fuming that he is bailing now. He says that he can meet me still but at 12:00 pm, not 11:00 am, he sends me a screenshot of her texts to him – I’m not sure why, I assume to prove whats happening, she sends a lot in a row “I’m so fucking pissed off. I hate having a period, I hate cunts that call in sick cos they are lazy. My fucking head is pounding and my neck is killing me. Wat r u doing. I’m having a meltdown” Yeah I can see that… FUCK. He says that he’s in the shower, she replies “Y. R U being dodgy” OMG. I know he cheated on her but fucking hell, he’s at home, she can track him – obviously she is so knows he’s at home… He tells her that he just finished at the gym “That wasn’t long. U masturbate too. I’m in a foul mood. I have a headache. I want maccas.” He says that she just pinged his phone too (I don’t really know what that means & I don’t ask), to see where he is?! OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level, why do either of them want to live like this!? He says that she didn’t think that she would be watching so closely today, that the leash is tight. “I’ll still meet you at 12. How’s that for having a go at my jerking off too lol…” I ask why he’s not allowed to jerk off & he says because he doesn’t want sex as much when he does, but she also uses her vibes on her days off & when he works late but he says nothing – yeah TMI Silverlining, thanks… I try to give him an alibi for why he would be at work early, but he’s freaking out now & I highly doubt we’ll meet.

He says she’s in crazy mode today that they have good days & bad days, but I come up almost daily. I ask why either of them stay & he says “Kids. We do love each other.” I can’t help my reply “What a happy environment.” I know I am not going to see him today & he’s being a fuck wit. “I do love my partner just like love you. May not be on the same level and connection but yeah” NO, NO, NO. I am angry “You do not love me the same way as you love her.” FUCK NO he doesn’t. I tell him that neither of them are in love at all, she just doesn’t want me to have him & so she makes him suffer & he allows it. He says that she’s forgiven him but will never forgive me. AGAIN, why the fuck does she have to forgive me for? I didn’t have a commitment to her – have kids with her, tell her that I love her then lied to her daily for over a year while I fell in love with someone else, how can she even care about me!? I am fucking pissed at this conversation & then it happens…

“Okay. I’m really sorry #IBD4U. But her work just rang me to pick her up. She thinks about you daily… Says your name daily. Has even asked 3 times this week if I’m chatting to your or emailing. It’s like she sensed it. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid today. I’m terrible sorry.” I don’t reply, I just sit there staring at it. He sends“Probably ghost me now …” I wish I could do that, then he sends “Thursday lunch ?” I ignore his messages & message Motocross to have lunch with me but he can’t meet me as his with his mechanic apparently.

Ironically Silverlining’s partner ‘hates cunts who call in sick cos they’re lazy’ & now she’s going home sick because she doesn’t trust her partner… OMG…. I snap… “What can I say? Like really what can I say? I skipped gym this morning – actually ate something too then I’m sitting here dressed, looking super cute (even stupidly am wearing lingerie.) & ready to meet my ex boyfriend who I’m still in love with for lunch & he bails… Don’t’ make promises you can’t keep. We’ll just play it by ear” His replies come quickly. “Fuck super cute and lingerie … It was a pretty certain thing … This just came up … Your not going to believe me but yeah. Good bye for then. For now.” I am so heartbroken… I reply “Was never going to fuck you. I don’t have any condoms. But wore it in case you saw it. Hope she’s ok. Bye” He replies “I didn’t intend on fucking you … Why would I see it. Bye” I don’t reply but he sends about 40 minutes later “So I just got to her work and they have taken her to hospital. You can’t make this shit up hey.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I can’t look at the app anymore. I am so fucking hurt. So gutted. So stupid. I know it’s not his fault at what has happened today, I know that this is what I’m in for when I started chatting to him again too, I know that she’s still in the background – apparently for another 10 years till the kids are in high school, but I didn’t think I would feel so foolish ever again… & yet here I am, all dressed up & no where to go!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

Silverlining #16

We’re all hanging here! I know… I am barely breathing. I ask what, what the fuck could he possibly want to ask me, in the few seconds that it takes for him to respond, I have a million thoughts, mostly about him leaving her & wanting to make a go of it with me, with my heart beating so fast, waiting for his question, when it finally pops up it says “Have you eaten breakfast loser ?” I literally burst out laughing, a sigh of relief, almost spitting out my breakfast & so I send him a picture of the protein shake I’m drinking. I say I drank half & he says “Drink all of it fuck head.” I say “yes sir” & he says “good girl” & I can’t help but smile like a tool. It’s just like old times.

He says something about his protein shake & I say I always drank his protein shot like a good girl or let him rub it into my tits, I remind him that I used to wear it all day long. He says that he misses that so much & asks how many guys I’ve let cum on my face since him. When he asks stuff like this, I wonder if he actually knows me at all, I mean he knows how long it took me to do it with him, he knows he was the first guy I ever allowed to do that to me too, so when I tell him zero & he says bullshit. I do wonder how he thinks he knew me better than I knew him, when he thinks that shit about me. He knows that I always said that I never let random guys get the best of me. Only one guy since him has been allowed to fuck me in the ass. I have fucked a lot of guys but I definitely don’t let them cum on my face!

I tell him that I never used to like cum on me at all but his reaction to it, made me love it, I wanted to please him & I loved that look he gave me when he rubbed it into my tits or saw it on my face. Not that he came on my face a lot.

We get back on to the subject about him avoiding me, avoiding my fetlife account & avoiding anything on the anonymous app that he thought was me, he says that it was fun being strangers but he had a hunch fairly early on & was wondering how he was going to reveal himself to me “Was gonna be like you’re #IBD4U Surname and your street name which I see every fucking day on the way to work” OMG, I always wondered if he noticed that my street name is on a sign on his way to work, it would be hard not to notice it as it’s a giant sign but I never thought that he would notice that, didn’t think he’d notice it weekly, let alone daily. I think that is so fucking adorable. He continues that he knew I was wasn’t dumb, I knew his timetable but then I played dumb when he tried to reveal himself & he freaked out that I didn’t know. I say that I wondered if he ever paid attention to the street name or even when he sees cheezels. He says that he noticed the street name every fucking day. He says that I got angry at being cat fished but I was cat fishing him. I did not cat fish him at all, I was 100% me at all times. I changed a few details & didn’t disclose everything but I was 100% myself.

I tell him that I was desperate to message him on his birthday this year, but I didn’t. He says that he doesn’t remember any birthdays or his kids, so he doesn’t know mine but he says it’s really sweet that I wanted to message him & says that I must really love him… Well Durh! I did also think of his daughter on her first birthday & wondered what they were doing for it. I saw her at the show & say that she super cute. His replies come so quickly that I am smiling the whole time “She’s fucking adorable. Omg she’s sooooo cute. She’s daddy’s little girl now lol. I fucking love her so much. She’s a sassy little bitch with attitude sometimes tho”  I tell him that he is fucking adorable & he replies “ok I’m not adorable. I don’t do adorable”  OMG I want to hug him! FUCK. That is so cute. Him as a dad is literally the cutest thing ever. “I’m manly and cool and stuff okay. Silverlining and adorable don’t go in the same sentence.”

When he says “Important question time because I’m legit worried about you”  I know that it’s probably going to be about me eating “Have you eaten some lunch ?” Fuck I love him… FUCK FUCK FUCK. He tells me not to lie to him & I have eaten something small however I’m at work on my holidays fixing up some stuff so I am not in a frame of mind to be eating. I tell him not to worry, I’m still fat – although I remember when Motocross said something about my weight & said that I weighed 68kgs, I forget why we were talking about weight but I love that Motocross thinks I’m that small. I wish! I tell Silverlining that I still have at least 10kgs to lose & his quick replies again catch me off guard “No you don’t. You look fine how you are. I found you incredibly hot when I was with you. You don’t need to lose anymore. I want you to do me a favour. Don’t look at the scales again. Stop looking at your scales. You were beautiful the way you were before. And if you have lost more weight , are fitter and smaller. Your even more beautiful now.” OMFG Why am I not with this guy!?

Silverlining love finds you

I send him some pictures & he says that I look stunning. Never have I heard him call me stunning – maybe he did once or twice before. He’s not said beautiful much, but he has a few times… But I don’t think he’s ever said stunning. I send some more pictures & he says that some guys got lucky those nights. However every single picture I send him, I went home alone. He says that the doesn’t believe me. “Like I said, I’m not as amazing as you seem to think…”  He says that he thinks I’m amazing. FUCK. Then I realise that he actively sought out the song to listen to this morning & say how fucking cute that is, but he tries to deny it.  (OMG our conversations jump all over the place! Hahaha)

When he says that he wants to know who catfished him on the anonymous app ages ago, I can’t help but think not this old chestnut. I mean it’s an anonymous app, I don’t know how anyone could seek him out to catfish him on purpose. I can’t even listen to him blame me again for doing that when I didn’t, but if he was so suspicious of the woman, why did he give his partners account to her to chat to too?! He says that he never told his partner about the anonymous app, that she doesn’t know about it at all because it wasn’t part of his affair with me… OMG another lie by omission! He keeps telling me who he suspects it was, but it was no one I know – no one told me anyway. Our relationship, now in my experience after sharing with you guys especially from your comments & messages, that it was not uncommon. ‘Married man falls for mistress, wife finds out but husband stays with wife & leaves mistress hurt.’ So if someone else had a similar experience, then he just happened to find them to discuss it with, it was just a coincidence. Or maybe a friend of mine, but no one ever confessed to it.  I mean all the things his partner was saying about me on the chat app was getting back to me, she told so many people so many things. So I am not surprised that he felt like I was catfishing him. However, for the record, I did not. Anytime I’ve wanted to talk to him, I have used my own profile, I wouldn’t try to be someone else. I always told him that if I wanted to find something out, I knew where she worked, I would just walk into her work & talk to her or I just asked him. But I am not going to pretend to be someone else on an app to get information. I was getting it readily from random people anyway for free, I didn’t need to go to the trouble of making fake accounts & stalking the anonymous app waiting for him to post.

He says that he listened to the song because of me – see our conversation jumping around, which he says just as I say that I’ll let it go, but he says fuck you because he already replied before I said I’d let it go. I cheekily add “You can fuck me..” but he says “Your seeing someone you can’t make that offer to me lol.” Well that’s a bit rich, isn’t it? “Says the partnered man who fucked me for a year!”  He can’t deny that “Oops. It’s your fault!” Bahaha, not the fuck is that my fault. “You tempted me too much. Your tempting me already ffs”  I know he’s joking so I say that it’s not my fault that he had soooo many women lined up. “Yeah but one pushed me over the edge and i actually did it. Organized a way to see her .. Weekly too … The last thing we should do is fuck… That would be soooo unhealthy. I won’t deny that I wanted to this morning. I knew my partner was distracted , I got stuck with kid drop off  so only had 20 mins at the gym , which isn’t worth it. Lol” OMG so he’s thinking about ways to see me!? I say that I want to see him again, maybe if we just meet for lunch. He asks when I am on holidays, I say that I’m already on holidays but don’t fly out for another week. He says “I’m on a tight leash these days …” I literally laugh “I’m well aware of that, I didn’t ask you to go to QLD. I just asked to see you for lunch” He says that he could do tomorrow or when I say Thursday he says that he has his daughter all day. It’s Tuesday tomorrow so I know he works late, he says that we could meet before work, at like 11:00 am. He suggests that we could do it at my local shops because he can get a hair cut or that we can just do lunch near his work. I think a place near his work where no one would see us that we know, would be better. There are too many people that could see us at the local shopping centre. Even though he’s planning where to meet me, he says “I think it’s a baddddddd idea.” However he is planning it & thinking about it. He tells me that we’ll meet at hungry jacks (Burger king for out of towners) at 11:00 am. I laugh my head off, of all the places close to this work, cafes & everything, he picks fucking hungry jacks! I ask why & he says that it was the unsexiest place he could think of. He says that he has to go now, but asks when I’m back from Qld, which I am there a week so he says he had an idea for Sunday but that won’t work, being I’ll be away. He says that this is a bad idea- yet again, yet he fucking is planning when he can see me!  He says the idea was a badddd idea for Sunday, I suggest he calls in sick & he says don’t tempt me. I say lets just settle on a lunch for now & we say good bye. I can’t bring myself to write love you so I send the heart with 3 kisses. He does the same back & he’s gone.

FUCK! I want to meet him, I want to see him… But fuck he’s right, this is a bad idea… This is not wise but I can’t resist. I never could resist him & the fact that I know he’s thinking of different ways to see me, just spurs me on, making me want it more too. I can’t believe that I am going to see him face to face tomorrow – after a year. I am so excited, nervous & apprehensive about seeing him, but I know as stupid as it is, but I need to do it!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #15

I read a meme once that said ‘Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers & don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.’ I was going to use this message as my heart that I always post on Instagram for a blog one day, however I’m not sure I believe it anymore – for me. I did used to believe this, I mean I tried to explain to Silverlining what I felt, what I wanted & he didn’t listen, but not because he didn’t want to listen but because he didn’t want to believe it, that’s on him, not on me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to explain myself & get answers from him about that. Finding out that his regret was doing what he called the ninja pack up – I said he was a thief in the night, but I like his analogy, that it literally is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am glad that I fought for some answers here.

I don’t need to explain myself to you guys or justify why I am doing what I’m doing – you don’t have to read if you don’t like the direction my story is going! But I now know he still loves me, thinks about me & has regrets… I always wondered if he regretted meeting me or getting involved with me, I never regretted meeting him or getting involved with him. I know we probably won’t be together, we both say that we’re not sure we should be talking right now or if we can even be friends now or in the future, but for now I think we both need this.

Silverlining never ready for you to leave

His question about me eating catches me off guard, he actually asks if I’ve eaten, which I haven’t eaten much, things super stressful at work but I just can’t face eating. He says that he doesn’t understand what I see in him – why I am still crazily in love with him, I remind him that he doesn’t believe me anyway but I’m pretty sure that he’s crazily in love with me too. I never wanted to lose him. “I do still crazily love you , I didn’t want to lose you , but I know it was getting to the point where it was hurting too much. Eat something now you twat face. I’ll fucker Uber you maccas if your careful.” I say that I just can’t eat, but it’s not about him, he says “Eat something. For me. Eat something. Eat Something.” I tell him I can’t eat & then his replies come through repeatedly, I think he’s going nuts replying the same thing over & over but then we both laugh at the fact the app is fucking up. He tells me to tell him what I have eaten today & what I am eating right now, I literally laugh but am smirking at how much he actually cares about me, he tells me to look after myself & eat, I say that I am looking after myself & he replies “Not eating is not looking after yourself , dumb fuck” I laugh & say I could eat his dick… OMG, why is it so easy to flirt with him. Though that’s always been our thing, right, anytime we’re serious we talk about sex, distracts the other. It works “You’re getting worse #IBD4U Stop making me want to fuck you” I act all innocent, what?! Hahaha & he says my dirty flirty. He says he can’t help it when he’s around me, but I need to stop encouraging him. He needs to stop encouraging me!

I don’t even realise what I am writing till I hit send “I would totally fuck you, stupid as it is… My god, no one has ever made me feel the way you do… Even just to chat too…” He tells me off, that I should never tell a man I would fuck them just to chat to them that men would use that to their advantage. Which isn’t exactly what I said but anyway “You’re not just any guy Silverlining. You’re the first guy I ever fell in love with, you’re the first guy for so much stuff… It’s insane how many firsts we had.” I mean I had quite a lot of sex before Silverlining, I’m not going to lie (You’ve all read about it! Hahaha) however it was mainly one night stands or someone I saw only a few times, so I never got to really experiment or try new things like I did with him. “You were a lot of firsts for me too…” which I find hard to believe but I know he finds it hard to believe that he had so many firsts with me too.

“Fuck you make me smile” & I melt… Like a wanker, my ice queen exterior is no longer there… I have told him I want to see him again, I now really want it but I just ask how I make him smile, I haven’t really said anything to make him smile really & he says that I just do, that our chats just make him smile. I didn’t think I said anything to make him smile, but he says that I make him smile with a lot of the things I have said. I think he realises where this conversation is going os he asks quickly how I knew it was him on the app after I saw him at the show. I say that I just knew from his pattern & I had a feeling. He says he knew I knew but didn’t want to say that he knew. “I know you’ll log off soon, cos you’ll be home… We’re both going off to different people tonight. But do know that I love you. With all my heart… More than I should… More than I want to admit.” I almost start tearing up but I know Motocross will be at my house soon for our date. “I love you Silverlining.” I get three messages back “#IBD4U this isn’t healthy … FFS. I love you too …” Within in 2 days of admitting who we are, we’ve said we’re still in love but not like this… I fucking love him. “I want to make you smile. I want to make you remember… I want us to be together. I want us to be friends… Don’t just ignore me tomorrow.” He says that he won’t but assumes that my work is super busy for me. I tell him I am basically invisible at my job now, I am doing everything I can to stay there because I love my job, he even says that knowing how much I love what I do. But I am annual leave as of tomorrow so I have three weeks off. He talks about hiding out the back since he’s been made redundant & I ask if there are any spots he could fuck me in, then I say remember fucking me in the ass in his office. He tells me off for making him hard & says that’s the hottest thing he’s ever done at work. I remember the next time I fucked him in his office when he used a USB cable & he asks who thinks of that shit, I’m like you dude – no one had ever been that spontaneous with me before. We talk about fucking in the ass, I say that only one guy has done it with me since him & he says that he hasn’t done it since me they tried but it was too awkward & she didn’t like it… WOW what a surprise – NOT.

I say that I expected him to be having this amazing sex life, she rimmed him but he says that she hasn’t done it in ages & it’s calmed down now. I say that I would never calm down if he was in my bed every night. He says I wish & I’m like well you could’ve had it. He replies “Oh I know … I wanted it … I was so close … I believed it …” He then tells me that he still chokes her & goes into dom mode but that’s about it. He says they have good sex but not like sex we had. I say that she will never be like me & he agrees that no one will ever be like me. I have a moment of high self esteem & tell him that I am one of a kind & he says that he knows. I say that I don’t think he knows that I am & he says that he does but asks why I think that. “You’re willing to stay with her when not only do we have amazing sex, but we also have an amazing connection… A strong bond that even after a year, can’t be broken…” his reply annoys me “Life gets complicated … kids and stuff. Your one of a kind and i fucking know it. You can’t deny I didn’t love you.” He says that he has to go & that this isn’t healthy – yet again, I tell him that I love him & say that we’ll see how long he lasts not chatting to me. He says chat later & three kisses.

I go on my date with Motocross & he obviously goes about his life with his family. I will admit that I check the app over night after Motocross goes to see if he’s messaged which he hasn’t. He knows I am with him so I figure that he doesn’t want to interrupt me. I don’t wake up as early as usual because I am on leave from work, but when I wake up, I check the app & he has messaged me at 6:30 am. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away, he says “Morning sexy bitch. So confession time. Periscope was my song for you” We’d talked about it when I said that we fucked to it & I knew it was his song for me, he told me that’s how he realised he loved me. I say that I’ve been listening to it a lot recently, which is weird. I tell him that I have been listening to a song called ‘Better Than Life’ & it’s my new anthem. He gets a bit pissed at himself because he forgot he told me that fact. hahaha.

I remind him that we’re the type of people who need to be told we’re loved but we are so stubborn that we don’t want to say it ourselves. I ask if he was listening to the song this morning & that’s why he confessed. He says yes & is pissed I know him so well too, he also says that he deleted his Spotify account because he’s going to be unemployed but he found it on YouTube to listen & I think it’s fucking sweet that he’s listening to the song for me. I thank him for having the balls to say I love you first to me, because I was never going to say it first. He says that he was going to say it so many times & I can’t believe that. I mean when he finally said it to me we were sort of having a fight. He says that he was falling for me within a few weeks but took him a while to work up the courage. I wonder if he said it sooner, would things be different?! When everything came to a screaming halt with his partner, would we have been further along therefore easier for him to leave her?!

Then he says “Oh I have a super important question for you…” My heart leaps into my mouth, what the fuck could he possibly ask?

#IBD4U

Silverlining #14

So a lot of you have asked what has happened to Motocross during all of these Silverlining posts. Well remember we’re only on day 2-3 since the reveal of our identities – Silverlining & I talk a lot & there is a lot of info to tell you, I can cut back on the detail to speed things up a bit. But rest assured Motocross is still in the background & there is still more of his story to come soon, but we just need to catch up on the Silverlining stuff first. I probably should’ve started with the Silverlining sooner than I did so it was both at the same time in the timeline but I am a bit ahead with Motocross. But there is more coming, I promise! So don’t stress, you will know everything I know, eventually…

Silverlining & I are talking a lot over the weekend when he’s at work, it’s like he waited to a weekend he was at work so he could talk to me & he’s said that he doesn’t want to stop, I don’t either at this point, I can’t stop regardless of what my brain is telling me, my heart is pulling at those stings again & I am an addict, I never realised he would be too!

He reminds me that he’s not good at maintaining friendships, but I don’t believe that that’s all him, I know she tracks him & questions him when he’s late or doing anything that he just stop bothering to engage with his friends, also his lack of self esteem about people liking him doesn’t help the situation. She did this before he met me – so it’s not just post affair. He disagrees & says he’s just lazy when it comes to maintain friendships. He does say that he is tracked harder & questioned over everything now but he swears that I don’t realise what a loser he is. He says he’s allowed to go out with friends – OMG, does he really need to be allowed, but he just never did or does… Yeah because I’m sure she was tracking him & asking questions he just gave up on it. & now it’s worse than it was before. Honestly, regardless if he ends up with me or not, what type of life are either of them living?! I mean he’s so under the thumb, more than before & she’s so paranoid. Of course she now has every right to be, but why would either of them want to live in this strange existence of toxicity?!

He says that she only started stalking him when she suspected him of cheating, which he wasn’t when he started cheating. He said that she knew (the woman always knows) but couldn’t prove it but because he stopped paying her attention, she got suspicious. The ironic thing is, he wasn’t cheating until she started suspecting it, yet she still got pregnant to him again. He had met me & I know that his heart wasn’t in the pregnancy, but I think if she hadn’t of gotten pregnant when she did, things would also be very different.

He asks why I tell my sister everything & I tell him how scared I was that his partner was going to do something to me, that I’d perhaps lose my memory or even worse she’d kill me, then she’d get away with it just like she said & he told me she could. No one knew about us – because no one saw us together & there would be no proof of our relationship, so the timeline I wrote would give a complete overview for anyone & I gave my sister a copy of all the videos, pictures, gifs, screenshots & anything else I had to make sure no one got away with anything! No one could deny anything. He says that he’s surprised that he’s still alive some days. I always wondered that over the year we didn’t talk, if she killed him or if something terrible happened to him because of her, would I ever know?! Would I always be pining for him, hoping one day he’d come back into my life?! He says that he’s glad she didn’t go down that path of hurting me but he assures me that she wanted too. I am still mega pissed off he told her my real name, my real job & showed her where I live. I always lie on the apps about my job & use a fake name. I know he gave her a fake name to start with when he was under pressure from her about what my name was but when it was revealed that it was fake, why didn’t he just give her another fake name & tell her my fake job that I use?! Why did she even need to know what I did for work anyway?! FFS. He says he freaked out that she would find out he lied again about another fake name. I mean the fact that he kept getting caught in lies should’ve been enough for her to want to leave him but she’s clutching to save her family, I get that.

Silverlining real love worth everything

I say that my job has changed a lot recently, which has been a good challenge but there is a lot of other stuff happening in my role which isn’t good at the moment. He says that his job has too, he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him but he was made redundant 6 weeks ago which is why he came back online because he’s not bothered about work anymore. He says he doesn’t have long left & doesn’t know what he’s going to do. They offered him a new role but it was quite a lot less pay so he’s not sure he wants to take it. “So add that to my loser resume, I’m also nearly unemployed” I say that he’s not a loser, just because the company is restructuring & your role is merged with another, doesn’t make you a loser! He says that he’s not in a good place mentally & I know that was hard for him to say to me. I don’t want to burden him with my work shit too, so I try to be supportive, he’s been told by others that he’s too good for the job he’s in & I agree, I always thought he could do better than what he was doing, but as long as he liked what he did, then I didn’t care. He admits that’s why he’s put on weight because he’s been drinking & eating shit a lot. I didn’t think he looked fat, but I guess if he felt me nearby, he sucked in his gut! Hahaha.

He’s scared about what he’s going to do & that his partner is now the bread winner which he hates – I didn’t realise he was so traditional, however he always did talk about how rich I am (I am not, lets not pretend here!) I never realised the woman earning more than him would be a problem. But I guess then if she is the bread winner & he’s not earning anything, then he’d be really be even more trapped. He again says that he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him, I say that I don’t, I mean want to hug the poor fucker, he’s going through some shit but I tell him that he will find something. I offer to look as his resume for him, being that I have just done a friends resume but he says that he’s good with resumes, so he’s all good. He tells me that he didn’t want to tell me at all, that I don’t realise what a dark place he’s in… Oh yeah, I get it.

I remind him that he never has to be insecure with me, especially about my love & how much he turns me on – going into a little detail about how when he pinned my legs on his shoulders & arms above my head in a bed, he would make me squirt cum in just two thrusts. He apologises for being so insecure. My heart breaks for him a little, but I don’t tell him that, I know he doesn’t want my sympathy. He sort of ignores that message so I say “I like how you ignore my message… Or are you tucking your apparently tiny cock into your belt?!” He says fuck you & I say that I was sad towards the end we didn’t fuck in a bed more. We always started out fucking in a bed, but then it was the car or over the car but he says most of our sex sessions that weren’t in a bed were the hottest. I did like our car sessions, they were fun, I’d never really fucked in a car much before him, but I wanted him in a bed again. “You just wanted to make love and cuddle. We had good sessions no matter where it was tho !” I remind him that I don’t like cuddles “We still made love when it was in the back of a car…. You fucking looked into my eyes every time we fucked… Used my name…” He tells me that I like cuddles more that I let on, which is probably true, I did love cuddling him & even in the car, just sitting touching after we just fucked each other hard, was so special.

“Yet you think I used you for sex. Sure I just look every woman in the eye and say there name while fucking them …” I know he didn’t use me for sex, I know he loved me, this conversation is proving that more & more. But I did know he didn’t use me for sex. He said his plan was to use me for sex, as was mine, but he fell for me hardcore. He did want me as a friend but he got too attached to early on with me, which of course we all know I did too. I tell him that I was attached to him before we even met. He calls bullshit that I was fucking everyone, which made him insanely jealous. OMG. I was not fucking everyone. I say that I was attached to our chats, but I never chatted to anyone like I did with him ever & haven’t since, not every day, not every moment we could. I say that I was fucking other people but our downfall was when I stopped fucking others, we were attached. I never thought he’d meet me once, let alone see me for a year being that he is tracked! He says that he was only trolling for friendships, he was never going to fuck others, he had people that wanted him but he wasn’t going to do it. I say we were stupid to only fuck each other, his response really surprises me “I don’t think we were stupid. I don’t regret anything. I literally got to meet (and fuck lol) one of the amazing fucking person in this world. And became close friends with. My fucking best friend. Which is hard to admit because of how sad it is. I don’t regret meeting you , fucking you , exclusively fucking you, pretty much making you my girlfriend , loving you. It was worth it. Stupid maybe.” My heart squeezes at that, he was my best friend too, I have a lot of friends, (sorry to those who read this blog! Hahaha) but he was my best friend & I don’t think that’s hard or sad to admit, I always wanted a partner to be my best friend, I’d never had that before.

I ask him a question I am not sure I really want an answer too, but I ask anyway, I ask if he has any regrets & he says “I have one regret , doing what I did to you. the final days. The ninja pack up , the not giving you a go. The ghosting of you. I never wanted to hurt you as much as I did.” I let out a sigh of relief… Finally, what I needed to hear!

#IBD4U

 

Silverlining #13

I’ve heard the geek thing from Silverlining so many times that I just want to strangle him! I mean I don’t even give a fuck about how geeky he is, we talked about this before, years ago when I said that if he was playing too many computer games & I was bored, I would just suck his cock while he played or wander around the house in lingerie & I’m sure that he’ll stop playing & pay attention to me! I don’t care about geek or his hobbies, as long as he’s not just a stoner sitting at home playing games & ignoring me. Simple really.

I remind him that I always told him how much I loved his cock, it’s size, it’s shape, it always made me cum & it’s the only cock I’ve ever fucked that has made me cum without any other stimulation. I didn’t even know that was possible to have an orgasm just from being fucked until him. But yet his partner told him that it was a good size after she fucked two guys when they were open for 5 minutes & he believed her, which fucked me off. I also remind him I’m not geeky, but I know my way around a computer & connect my own TVs etc. I’m not stupid with technology, but I can’t fake my location like he did. I also say that I knew he was geeky from the get go & thought it was super cute that when he brought his ‘stuff’ to my house that day, it was all his game consoles & one tiny bag of clothes. He says that he hides his geeky side a lot. People think he’s cool but he’s more of a geek than he lets on – why would anyway hide who they are?! He says he brought his game consoles because he didn’t want her to break them & he knew she would go after them first once he left the house.

I remember when he lost his Gameboy, which apparently is actually called a switch – I call it a Gameboy to annoy him because he always corrects me & he was in a foul mood all day chatting to me until he found it at his work, thinking he lost it on top of his car. I say that I knew he was geeky & maybe I knew him better than he knew me but he disagrees, he says that he knew me better. But I don’t believe that, because if he did really know me, he’d know that the geek, the debt, the kids & all of that shit he doubted about himself wouldn’t be an issue for me. He didn’t want to be a burden, but if in fact he knew me, he would’ve known that none of that shit matters to me.

We talk about people on the chat app & how snapchat boy (Noddy) knew about him in a way & remembered Silverlining being mean to him, Silverlining says it was his intention, because I was his turf. He says that he learned when he opened up his relationship that the chat app community was tight, he could’ve gone anywhere but on the chat app, he says that why he closed up their relationship, to protect me… Yeah right… He says it turns out “We’re pretty famous on the chat app” Yeah we were, so many people knew who we were & they also could feel the chemistry between us, so many people said that! But I snap “You didn’t close your relationship to protect me, you closed it to protect yourself! She would’ve found out more lies you told her about me if you kept it open… Don’t flatter yourself that you did anything to protect me.” I mean she was chatting to the guy, Crows , that I was fucking at the time for fuck sake, so she would’ve found out more lies & fuck knows what would’ve happened if she knew the real whole truth about our relationship.

He just says that there were no lies left, she knew everything. He says anything she doesn’t know now, would only come from me, she knows everything that was public or that we shared with individuals, but I’m sure that if she was on the chat app longer, it would have caused them to break up. I tell him that there is still so much she doesn’t know & would ruin their lives if she found out, he says “Pretty sure that’s knocked 5 years off our relationships. We won’t last forever… lol” OH MY GOOD GOD! He’s a fucking idiot! Why would you even be with someone if you didn’t think it will last?!

Silverlining whats yours will be yours

He tells me that Sweetie told his partner about our love, about our chemistry, about the 3sum with her, the car wash sex – I don’t remember everything Sweetie said however I don’t remember all that, if she knew that we were in love & believed everything Sweetie said, then why was it such a big deal when she read the messages he sent to someone else saying he still loved me!? Sometimes this story just doesn’t make any sense to me! Although I guess he said he denied all the stuff Sweetie said, however he still told her my real fucking name… Then I guess when she read the messages he sent to someone else about being in love with me, he couldn’t deny it.

I tell him that the guy I was fucking was talking to his partner & that I had to get him to get an STI test too, I tell him that I just got tested again & I’m all clean “So fuck you for blaming me for that!!” He says that they apparently only just started testing for HPV recently, which is a load of fucking shit, I was immunised against it in high school, when he tells me that she didn’t go to school in Australia, I snap that “God you believe some bullshit sometimes Silverlining.” He avoids the conversation since it’s making me fucking angry & says that if it’s the guy he thinks it is, she wanted him pretty bad & he wouldn’t fuck his partner… Well that makes me feel fucking smug as fuck! Hahaha.

When I remind him that Crows was also married but I didn’t know that right away, he says “Fuck how do guys get away with it?” Well he asks an interesting question, but then adds that he’s the last person to be asking that. I mean most partners don’t track their partners phones, so I understand how guys & women get away with it, I don’t know how Silverlining got away with it for 18 months but towards the end, I used to go to him a lot more than he ever came to me. HE asks “Why do guys even want 2 girlfriends. That shit is hard.” I laugh, I know that it would be hard to please both of us & I was always the last priority.

We talk about faking our identities again & I say that I wasn’t ready to stop talking to him yet so I didn’t want to reveal myself. I say “I was afraid if you knew it was me, you’d stop talking right away… I never expected you to still be in love with me too. I never even thought you’d still think of me…” Reminding him that I had things I needed him to know “Haha fucking bitch knowing I couldn’t defend myself to some extent. Fucking though the same as you. I saw you for a year … We connected on every single possible level. Sexually , emotionally (slightly retardly) , mentally. You really think I wouldn’t think of you ? Maybe your not as smart as I thought you were” The difference for me is that he has a family, a partner he says he loves & kids, he works full time, I know he’s stubborn & thinking that I’ve moved on so wouldn’t allow himself to think about me. He even told me at one point that he won’t let himself think of me. I tell him that he never believes alything I tell him so being a stranger was perfect & remind him that his partner made things clear to Sweetie too about their kinky sex, knowing it would get back to me, which it did. He says “I knew you loved me , but your emails proved that to me … How deep it was in the end.” I tell him that every song on the papa roach album reminds me of him & that I didn’t think he’d listen to songs & think of me.

I ask why he is still in love with me & he says he just explained because we connected on so many levels, well he has to connect with his partner like that surely?! So I ask, if he has connected like that with others & he says nope. Well FUCK. He asks if I have, which he knows I will say no because I haven’t. “I’d never met anyone who I couldn’t not touch & had to restrain myself from touching you… Before the carwash, when you were getting subway… When we were in the hardware store buying cable ties… Fuck I wanted to just put my arm around you, be flirty…” I was always good at flirty online but when it came to be tactile, I was terrible at it. He says what I’m dreading “I wish you had been touchy and flirty … but was restraining myself too to some extent. I love my wife , and always will to. But our level of connection isn’t on the same level.” Why wouldn’t you want to be with the person you love & connect with the most?! Life is too short to stay with someone, you’ve already told me that you’re not going to be with forever.

He says that we only connected online which is like a stab in my heart & I tell him that, He says that we had a mostly online relationship but we connected in real life too. He says “I was scared shitless you would hate living with me … I didn’t feel that way , I was using it as an excuse to cover. The fact I wasn’t sure how we would live together.” FUCKING HELL, where is this coming from, is he so scared to be alone?! I mean we didn’t have to live together straight away, he could’ve lived with his family or got his own place. “And you think I wasn’t scared about living with you too??? I haven’t lived with someone for like 13 years… What if you hated living with me? I was willing to take that risk…. I think we would’ve pissed each other off, not doubting that fact but we were able to talk about anything, fight & get over it.” He says he realises my fears too but he says “TBH I’m sure we would of be fine” I know that he’s saying that now because he realises how much I wanted him from re reading those emails. “I’m sure you would of just ended up in lingerie sucking my dick and me fucking your brains out an everything would be fine” Sex always did fix everything for us. “Fuck I wanted to live with you so badly… Sleep in my bed every night. I’m 100% sure we would’ve been ok, that we could fix everything with sex.” He says that he wishes we could’ve spent at least one night together. He says that’s his regret, not setting up something so he could spend the night together, we came close when she was in hospital having the baby, I think if their son wasn’t there, I would’ve stayed. He was going to stay when he was working at the store far away & she let him stay at his parents house.

These conversations were helping me, but now they’re making me sad, I mean there are so many things we didn’t get to do. Will we ever get to do them?

#IBD4U

Silverlining #12

I tell Silverlining about the Doppelganger at my gym. But I realise now that I would know Silverlining from a mile away, that my body reacts, he asks how. I tell him that my tummy churns, my hairs stand up on the back of my neck, I shake & then I can’t eat. He says “You need to eat bitch” I tell him though that my pussy would probably start dripping if he was closer. He says my name like I shouldn’t be flirting with him & I giggle, but I tell him that I have eaten some showbag goodies. He replies “Fuck me I love how wet your pussy gets for me.”

He’s also asking if my sister knows about us chatting – we’re still on the day that we admit it to each other that we’re who we are, by the way. We’ve been messaging all day, so much so that I almost cancelled my appointment because I didn’t want to stop talking to him. It’s going to end soon, I know. I am not stupid, he is with her, he’s made no attempts to leave her. He’s not going too. However for now, for today, I need to chat to him. He asks me what my sister has said, she’s said what half of you are thinking, what I already know, what I don’t need her to say “STOP TALKING TO HIM” & he says that I should probably listen to her, that she knows what’s best for me. But does she? Does he? I reply “Like I said before… No one can understand this. It doesn’t make sense. While it seems counterproductive, it’s actually helping me…. No one will ever understand our connection Silverlining. Nor will they understand our love. Why after a year of not talking, we’re still in love.” It’s almost like Rose in Titanic, getting off the boat with Jack. It doesn’t make sense but the excitement she felt with him in the few short days she knew him, she knew he was what she wanted. He says that Sweetie understood it, she witnessed it. I agree, but I don’t think she would understand why I am talking to him now after everything that happened post break up.

We talk about some people on the chat app & I am reminded of when he came back online with the matching user name as her, something we used to laugh at other people for doing, something I used to joke to him about changing his user name to SiliverliningLovesIBD4U. I don’t know why I spend this short time that I have probably left chatting to him, bringing this stuff up, but I do “Remember when you said to me I needed kink, that you weren’t that kinky or good at it. Then told me all about your kink stuff you were doing with your partner… yeah that was also fun!” He says that they haven’t done much together, which I am not surprised. He says sorry for hurting me with those comments but I taught him somethings he liked about sex. I mean he taught me so much that I didn’t realise that I would like about sex. I tell him that he apologised the next day “But not before telling me she rimmed you & you choked her… Someone else told me you had a 3sum… But yeah… We weren’t always kinky so hurt me that you thought I needed it, using it as an excuse to not be good enough for me…” It’s true but he won’t admit it. “The trouble with us is we both have an open and honest thing going. Sometimes we overshare. And it hurts. Hence why this is not a good thing” I know he’s preparing me to ghost me again, I need to be ok with it, I don’t want it after the fact I’ve not been chatting to him for 2 weeks none stop & today is Saturday & we’ve been chatting since I woke up at 7am.

I remind him that I was hurt because I was thinking she was withholding sex & being a bitch to him when in fact she was giving him the kinky sex I had given him. It was like a stab in the heart for me, I was still in love with him & he was already back to having sex with her when I couldn’t fuck anyone. He says that he never intended on hurting me & that he was just over sharing, I was his best friend, he didn’t think. He says that I taught him so much when I ask what, then he says something else that is meant to me a compliment but catches my breath “The sex never ever compared to ours lol” He says that I made him a better lover. I fucking hate that comment. “Yeah, I made you better for someone else.” He says sorry. But also that I bought out his dom side, he never had that until me.

He says that he has to go soon – it’s almost 11 hours of talking & that this isn’t healthy. No it’s not, but I can’t help but ask “You want to stop talking?” & I wait, not very long for his reply. “No I don’t …” So I say as casually as I can, that he should just talk to me when he can & he says that he will, he says “I’m so sorry for hurting you so much. Chat to you again soon” & with that he goes, but I reply saying thank you for saying that.

While this isn’t healthy, for either of us. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. It’s Sunday, I know he’ll be at work again, so he’ll be able to message if he wants too. I’ve had so much stress at work that I haven’t been sleeping, only getting a couple of hours per night, but tonight when I snuggle down expecting to toss & turn, I drift off to sleep. I am finally content. I feel like while he’s not mine, he somehow centres me. This shit going on in my life goes away & I can finally relax. I sleep the whole night, not great cos my nephew is over but better than I have in months. Waking up at 6:40am – shoot me now, I can’t help but look at the app before I check anything else on my phone as I don’t get notifications for the app we’re using, so I never know if he’s messaged. I am wildly optimistic that he will message but I just don’t know… It’s not a good idea if he does, will I message him if there is nothing from him when I look? I don’t know if I should, but he said he didn’t want to stop talking so at least he’s feeling what I am too…

This is a perfect time for a cliff-hanger, but at only 1100 words, it doesn’t seem enough since we’re only up to the second day of us admitting our identities – but up to #12 & we have Motocross to catch up too, I need to get the Silverlining story moving! So I’ll put you all out of your misery! I never hear from Silverlining again… WHAT?!

DUM DUM DUM! Just kidding, hahaha.

As I check the app, I notice there is a message, my heart jumps as I click to see it’s him at 6:07 am saying “So yeah morning for when you get up. I lasted a day … lol” I can’t help but smile like a fuckwit! I use his line on him “Pfft. You barely last 12 hours.” I laugh & tell him that I had a dream about him too. He replies “Pfft.” As I knew he would. He asks how I normally take my drug “Do you inject it? Inhale it? Pretty sure you take it orally. Maybe you insert it?” I laugh at him, knowing I’m he’s drug too, this song fits so well here….

I tell him the dream was weird because he walked past me at the supermarket while I was picking out tomatoes. I tell him that I didn’t sleep well, but better than I have been sleeping because of my nephew sleeping diagonally in my king sized bed. Silverlining tells me to go back to sleep, but I say that my nephew is awake now. He says that kids should be banned from the bed & he’s cheeky saying he can help me with my tomatoes, then he says actually he’ll help me with my melons.

I remind him about the time he bought me the milk & pizza base that I couldn’t get one time, I said something to him that day & he brought it out when he was meeting me for a lunch time fuck. “You are so fucking thoughtful & sweet” He really was sweet & thoughtful, I didn’t ask for it, I just said I was pissed my store didn’t have them & when I picked him up for lunch, I knew he felt weird as he sort of just threw them in the back seat, didn’t really say anything to me. It was the sweetest thing ever. He says “Pfft, I’m really a dick. Asshole apparently. Big asshole. Let’s not give your ex too much credit” I say “I always loved how much you loved when I popped my melons out of my dress in the back of the car… FUCK… Just remembering that look on your face when ever you saw me in lingerie or just naked…” He always made me feel like the sexiest thing alive, no one else has ever done that before or since. He tells me that I look fucking hot in lingerie.

I’m still on the asshole thing too “I get why you were an asshole. You felt backed into a corner. However you could’ve made different choices…. You were just stupid & manipulated… I guess because how much of a dick you were in groups etc, I never thought you’d be manipulated like that… At my expense.” He doesn’t reply to that but says that he’s at the gym & can’t get hard, I need to stop putting sexy thoughts in his head. I tell him that I still look hot in lingerie with a winky face… Fuck, why is it so easy to flirt with him? “Such an amazing sight when your tits were poking out in a dress …” He also says that any guy is missing out that isn’t admiring my hotness and lingerie. He says that his eyes couldn’t hide how he felt when I wore lingerie. He definitely tried not too show me that face but like he says that he’d be shit at poker. Neither of us have a poker face.

Silverlining two questions

I show him the lingerie I was wearing the night Motocross & I didn’t fuck, I tell him that I want to show him me in it & he says that I’m a fucking tease. I tell him “I would. I want too. Remind you what you’re missing. You refused to look at me at the show… I couldn’t not look at you.” He says that he was scared to look at me – I guess cos he didn’t want her to see him looking at me. He says he’s not looking good but at the gym now. I wonder how he knew it was me at the show if he didn’t look then, I mean I know he’s said that he felt me, but how did he know. I felt him with every fibre of my being, but I honestly didn’t think he’d feel it too. He just he felt me, he even felt me before she said anything.

I ask him if he has a tattoo on his forearm & he says yes he has tattoos… Because of the way he replies, I think fuck they got stupid matching tattoos, but he says no, but got a couple on his arm, exactly like the Doppleganger. OMG they’re more alike every second! He talks about how he’s put on weight in the last 2 months but he’s been doing keto & trying to lose the weight. He then sends me pictures of his tattoos, I send him a picture of my new one that I got after we ended too, that’s on my side, I look skinny in the picture & I feel good about my tattoo. He just says looks nice & suits me. I tell him that he probably looks sexier with tattoos, I always wondered if he’d get some, I remember talking about it & I didn’t think he liked them but now he’s saying he wants a sleeve. OMG, what a turn around!

He says that he’s been told he looks sexier with tattoos, I almost roll my eyes, of course his partner now someone else wanted him, she’s telling him he looks good… She should’ve done that for the last 10 years! I get pissed off, I mean I used to tell him all the time he was sexy, had a big cock but he never believed me, she tells him & he believes her. “Why do you always do that? Believe others over me? I talked to you every day for over 14 months, Fucked you every week for over a year & yet, you always believe everyone else over me?!” Wouldn’t you believe the person who loves you the most? “BTW I’d just assumed you’d be happy and all moved on and have some fucking amazing guy for an amazing chick and you’d be long taken and no where on the app so yeah didn’t think I’d bump into you again. I believe you found me hot … I really do. I just thought I wasn’t good enough for you so kinda down played it ? I still don’t think I’m cool enough for you. I’m more than a self-confessed geek, I’m a fucking geek. Lol” Not this old chestnut.

#IBD4U

Wedding

I’ve always wanted to get married. 100%, hands down, I always thought I would. I never thought I would be close to 40 (yes scarily, I am close to 40) & not even close to having been married. I definitely never thought that I would have only ever fallen in love once in my life either & only technically had one boyfriend. I’ve not always wanted kids of my own but I knew that I did want to get married, that I wanted that special day with the person I love – not that I knew what love was till recently. Maybe that’s why when I pictured my wedding day it changed a lot & the man would never have a face? He was always tall with dark hair in my fantasy, despite me loving blonde dudes, I have only ever had “relationships” with men with dark brown hair, ironically. But it was always about the wedding, not really what the wedding represented.

For my wedding, when I was younger, I always wanted the big white wedding, with the big poofy dress, I wanted that big day, with hundreds of people, lots of presents (from a gift registry that I got to walk around the store with a scanning gun!) & a giant 4 tiered cake. When I was Boyfriend, I thought about marrying him, of course – we owned a house together, I thought that the house was more of a commitment than a wedding to be perfectly honest. But I never really imagined anything but the wedding with him, I never thought about the marriage or what our life would be like, it was more about the wedding day & that special moment. However as I got older & older – with no marriage in sight, the dream changes a lot.

I’ve never really talked about a wedding before, my dream, my fantasy wedding – what I would do, what I picture, what I’d wear all that type of stuff. I didn’t picture a face on the man I wanted to marry until I met Silverlining. My dream changed when I met him & fell in love with him & started planning my marriage to him. My marriage, not wedding. It became this thing, it wasn’t about the wedding, I won’t deny I didn’t want a wedding because I did, I do. However, the dream was beyond the wedding day, I planned our life in my head post wedding. It wasn’t just about the immediate future, it was about our lives together & I think that’s when things change for me.

The wedding became, in my head only of course, a small intimate affair of only about 40 or 50 people, if not less than that. It would be at my – correction our house, that I own now, we would have done it up together, using the money we would’ve spent on a wedding, on renovating our dream house together. I know SilverLining told me ages ago that he wanted his wedding at a winery. I always thought this was weird being he doesn’t really drink wine, so I don’t dream of this wedding day at a winery – anyway this is my dream, not his. Hahaha.

To start off the day, I would wake up next to him, there would be none of this bad luck bullshit people go on about. We would start the day probably by fucking & getting ready together.

Wedding

I would be at the event to greet the guests in a green dress, my hair long & curly with my white Jimmy Choos that I’ve never worn ($750 shoes in my wardrobe), he’d be there by my side, his hand on the small of my back as we had some canapes made by my talented cousin who has a catering business in Melbourne, I’d ask her to do everything food wise for me. As the sun was setting the twinkle lights would come on, I’d go get changed into my slim line gown which has a deep V in the front & back. Our celebrant would be my year 7 school teacher who I reconnected with on the cruise a few years ago, I have a photographer picked out who I’d bought a picture from at a flee market once & then I followed on Facebook for years – we would do no posed pictures only candid snaps, I hate all that shit of looking down at the bouquet, or worse the picture of the bride & groom kissing under her veil. OMG! NO.

Our cake would be a cheese wheel tower & a macaron tower of different green maraons. When the time came I would walk down the aisle to a song cannon in d major with both my parents by my side. His kids would be there of course, a little flower girl & page boy (whatever they’re called these days). Our families so proud & happy for us that we are truly happy together – especially his family that he is truly with someone supportive, loving & caring. He would kiss me when I got to the end of aisle, none of the traditional waiting till the end of the ceremony, I have been with him long enough, I don’t need to wait till the end of the ceremony to kiss him. I hate that awkward moment when the bride gets to her groom & they just stand there looking at each other, I want a moment with my soon to be husband. (Even though we’ve probably had sex this morning! & kissed a lot today. Hahaha)

During the ceremony we can’t take our eyes off each other, we are so in love, so in tune with each other, nothing else exists but us. He is looking at me just like she wants in that movie 27 Dresses. Like no one else in the world has ever looked so beautiful. We say those vows, vows we write for each other. It would be an amazing day. When we kiss again at the end when they say you may now kiss, I know I am kissing the last man that I am ever going to love. 

We would eat the cheese & macarons, with a live band that I had selected from my friends 40th birthday, she had her aunty & partner, a two piece, do some acoustic songs & I would have them as the music. There would be minimal speeches, both of us not wanting to have the day drained with the usual formalities of a wedding, no garter or bouquet toss. But there would be a first dance with my Husband. – OMG I love calling him my my husband. My song would come on from my favourite band Muse called Aftermath, it has a long intro & it’s sort of like a scene from a movie, where a guy is looking for someone in the crowd then they crowd parts & there she is… Well that would happen – of course, he’d ask me to dance & we’d dance to this song, he’d hold me close, I would know I am safe & with the man who truly loves me.

Here’s the song for those who like to listen while reading!

(The film clip is a bit weird, but listen to the words & it’s just beautiful.)

After everyone has gone & someone is baby sitting his kids, we’d go to the bedroom or hotel & make love the only way we know how, hot, hard, steamy, kinky & sexy. The kind of sex you all like to hear about, but of course it would be us connecting in the deepest way we can.

He would now be wearing a ring I gave him & I would be wearing his, the most sexy thing for me on a man is sometimes knowing he’ll wear a wedding ring. The rings mean something to me, I know it’s supposed to be a symbol of your love for one another & as corny as that it, I truly believe that wearing his ring is more than a symbol. I know he’ll wear the ring & be super proud to have me by his side for our marriage. The wedding day just a blip in our story but a day where we think of nothing else but each other, about what we’re committing to – what we’ve already committed too. Our lives are already intertwined, even though we don’t have kids together, we have built a family.
So I also dreamed of the honeymoon, as you all know I am a very keen traveller, I usually travel as a backpacker or something equally as cheap, never spending an extravagant amount on any sort of travel I do, however my honeymoon is different. I have always dreamed of going to Bora Bora. I hear it’s super expensive to go, but because we only care about the marriage, not the wedding day, we’ve saved enough to splurge on a week in Bora Bora, in a hut over the sea, that I wear nothing but a bikini & I feel so sexy because this man adores me & thinks I am the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. We’d have room service, cocktails & make kinky love everyday.

Now I know people cheat (obviously) – whoa, way to change the subject from that blissful romantic setting… But I know marriages fall apart – sometimes quickly, sometimes they take a while. I am not pretending it is, nor have not said the word “perfect” in this post at all. I don’t believe that anything is perfect, nor should it be. Our wedding day & marriage would be what we make it. But I genuinely believe that on your own wedding day regardless of anything that happens in the future with the marriage, on the wedding day you think of nothing else than your future with your partner in front of you – the person you want to spend your life with. Nothing else or no one else crosses your mind. The day is perfect in your eyes.

There is nothing more I wanted than to entwine my life with Silverlining & have him call me his wife. Not just because he doesn’t like the word Fiance, but because I am genuinely & legally his wife. Someone he can rely on, trust & be honest with – be equal with, a relationship that includes no games or manipulation. No lies, no tracking phones, no bullshit, open honest communication even when it hurts – we’re good at that because the make up sex is amazing.
I know that this post is all about what I want. I am obviously open to what he wants on the day, such as the winery idea however, this is just my dream, just me hopes for the day. Where ever we got married would be alright with me. We are committing to each other, to be really honest, if he wanted to elope or just do it at the registry office, I would do whatever he wanted.
Our life post wedding, wouldn’t be all roses & rainbows or good times… I know that! We are very different people, but we’ve adapted to living together prior to getting married, me with my neat freakishness & him with is hoarding messy lifestyle. But we work well together. We have his kids week on, week off – unfortunately that’s probably not been smooth sailing with his ex partner, but we make it work & we make sure his kids are in his life as much as possible. Making sure they are in her life too. I never want them to forget either parent.
We are a team. A unit. No hiding messages or deleting apps daily. We are who we want to be. We aren’t happy every day & we might fight sometimes, but we always are a partnership.

As the song goes ‘From this moment, you will never be alone, bound together, now & forever, the loneliness has gone.’

#IBD4U

Silverlining #11

Some of you get it & some of you don’t! Some of you are saying here we go again, some of you are excited like me about the prospect of this being more than another affair or just getting some answers or closure. I don’t know what it is going to be, if anything. But man oh man, I want to see Silverlining. But can I see him just once more & be ok? Will all those feelings come rushing back? I mean they are already back but if I see him will that change things? Will I be as in love with him as I once was? Would it change anything? Has the time apart changed anything?

I’ve made it no secret that I haven’t gotten over him & never will, he’s said the same to me too, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you that I am back here again, regardless of the reason, I am back here & I am fully prepared for what might happen.

Silverlining is still telling me what a burden he would’ve been on me, his debt, having to live with me rent free, his kids, He says that he has too much pride & is stubborn – this I know! He says that he was surprised that the chemistry came back so easily too, but that’s how he knew it was me he was talking too. I tell him that he wouldn’t have been rent free with me but we would’ve made it work, I was in no way going to pay off his debt for him but we would’ve worked it out. I tell him the kids weren’t a burden for me, as much as I don’t want kids of my own, I always pictured his kids with my family & living with us week on week off, if she allowed that, I guess. He says that it was nice seeing me that day with his kids. I tell him again that it wasn’t up to him to decide what I was willing to take on, I knew what I was in for, to be honest, the debt & kids were the least of the worries, what worried me more was the crazy woman who knows where I live & where he would be living. I didn’t care about the debt or child support, all that stuff is just part of life, but the nutso that would probably drive past when we had the kids or try to keep them from him would be the hardest struggle for both of us, however I was prepared for that. He tells me that he did make that decision for me, that it’s not my fault & I blame myself way too much, he has self-esteem issues, which I know he does. I say that if I hadn’t of been protecting myself & he knew that I was having fantasies about living with him then he I wouldn’t have any regrets. He says that he doesn’t think it would’ve changed anything, after she pulled the stunt, he pretty much says that he wasn’t going anywhere – not in those except words but I know because he’s said the same before.

silverlining partner best for you

Since he’s mentioned before that he read our emails again recently, I am reminded of the gifs & videos I sent to that email so that he could keep them & watch when ever he wanted being that he couldn’t save anything on his phone or anywhere else, this email was & is something she doesn’t know about. He says “Yep … The gifs omg … Let’s not talk about that … lol. I actually just got a semi thinking about them wtf” I laugh & remind me of the hottest one where I licked his cock from the balls to the tip & then sucked it in while in front of the mirror. All he replies with is my name. I literally burst out laughing & say his back. He says “Seriously. Shhhh. Just had to tuck my cock into my belt ffs” I haven’t thought about those pictures for a long time, having deleted everything off my phone, I still have it all on a USB in case something happened to me, my sister would have them but at least it wasn’t easy access in my cloud or something. I say that “We had some good times… White dress, car wash, you in your suit, pool table…. Hmmmm!” & I know what he is going to reply, it’s my name with extra letters of my name at the end like IBD4UUUUUUUU. “I’m going to have to jerk off to you next time bitch lol” I tell him that we were always very sexual & every time we fought we just fucked & it was ok. “lol seemed to solve our issues. Seriously tho … Don’t make me want to fuck you so bad lol” I know he’s added the lol because he wants it & is testing the waters with me, to see if I’d do it, without asking. Would I fuck him again? I’d definitely see him, which I’m pretty sure would lead to sex eventually, I think it’s inevitable to be honest with you, if we even meet for a genuine coffee (not that either of drink coffee). It’s not a good idea but I genuinely think about it.

I remind him about the one & only time we fucked in the car to the song Periscope. That I was desperate to tell him I was madly in love with him but even though we were nose to nose, sharing the most intimate thing a couple can do & listening to the song that made him realise he loved me & I couldn’t say it. He says “You should of told me. I do wish we had held hands … I’m surprised we never did. I tried to hold affection back so much from you. But lucky for you I always gave it to you“ He did always show me more affection than I showed him. I played with his hair sometimes in the car, but didn’t know if he liked it or not. He says he struggled but he did it. I struggled & obviously still struggle because I can’t show Motocross any affection. I tell him that the last day I ever saw him at my house & I was rubbing his back, that it took everything I had in me to do that. I tell him it was hard for me, I mean I was the other woman, always feeling never quite good enough, you know because if I was good enough, he would’ve left her. He says “Like I’m such a loser , I even went and got you a pack of cheezels once after fucking you” I remind him “That was like the sweetest thing ever… I loved that you did that.” He says that he didn’t want to get too attached, neither did I & he didn’t want me to get too attached, he says “Massive fail there” we both got attached, the cheezel thing was very early on, like only about the 4 or 5 time that we fucked. He says “I rubbed your back a lot … and clit.” I say that there isn’t a part of my body he hasn’t touched, he tells me not to talk about touching my body because his hard on just died down. Then he says “I loved the way you cummed … The way you squirted. Ok. It’s back again …” I say that he’s the only man I’ve ever looked in they eyes while fucking before. He says that he struggles with looking anyone in the eye & I remind him that we did, not early on but we did look at each other a lot, when I begged him to let me cum when he was teasing me, or the first time we came together on the couch, I said that was when I realised we were making love, even though the sex was hot, sexy & hard. “Fuck how early were we making love” He replies with an emoji. I say that I’ve never cum with another guy before at the same time, but I think we had feelings for each other before we even met. He says “Umm. I’d agree with that. There was a strong connection there. We really liked each other. It’s not often you cum with someone at the same time. That’s a rare connection. You can’t deny I didn’t love you now …” Yeah I guess so, that’s a rare connection but if I had it before with someone, which it sounds like he hasn’t, then I’d never want to give that up. I didn’t want to give that up. I say that clearly that connection is still present, but I just find it hard to believe he felt like I did if he was ok to give that connection up. He replies “Really because men don’t pack up there shit ready to leave their wife for no reason. Or for good sex… “ OMG I’m so sick of hearing he was leaving her for me… I snap “You did that cos she went through your phone & found messages (Saying he still loved me to someone else on the chat app) Not because you wanted to be with me” He can’t deny that. He wasn’t leaving her till his partner went through his phone & he hadn’t deleted the chat app. “It was the final nail in the coffin … Final push I needed. I wanted to be with you dumbass.” Yet he went back. “Things get complicated sometimes” But the truth is, he didn’t believe my love for him, that’s why he went back, now it’s his turn to snap “Would you shut the fuck up . It wasn’t that. Stop fucking blaming yourself.” I know that he was scared of losing his kids, there was no way after a stunt like that she’d get awarded custody. But he says that he didn’t want to take that risk “And now you know why I ghosted you because of this. *waves our connection around*” I actually laugh at the thought of him waving his hands around. He says he had to ghost me. I remind him how angry he got at me for suggesting that we ghost each other if the affair went pear shaped, he went nuts at me. “Well what do you expect , I was madly in love with love with you. And the only reason you wanted to do it was for the SAME EXACT reason. So don’t judge me” with a smiley emoji. I literally smile at the fact that he is now all uppity about it. He says it’s a bad idea what we’re doing right now. I still struggle to believe he’s thinking about me still after all this time, I ask what he thought of reading those emails, he says his standard “No comment” I tell him that I’m not accepting that & he says “You poured your fucking heart out. They are hard to read. But I know you loved me very much . More than I ever could have ever imagined. You talk about raising my kids , a wedding … I knew after those emails how much you loved me. Haha no sex was mentioned tho. But I found the gifs too” He tells me not to read the emails if I can help it, even with his lack of empathy they were hard for him to read. I tell him that I did want to marry him & have his kids in my life. He says that he knows. But I think he only knows because he re-read them, I’m glad he did because at the time, I know he would’ve just read them & his self esteem would’ve stopped him from believing anything contained in them, now that he has perspective, he can actually read the content without being negative about what was going on in his life. It’s actually a relief to be honest, regardless of what happens next, I am thankful he’s re-read them & thought about how I felt back then, how I still feel…

#IBD4U

Silverlining #10

It’s so true. No one will ever know what another person really goes through. As much as I share my intimate details here, you’re all objective when you think about what has happened with Silverlining. That’s easy, I’m completely objective & give the best advice when friends ask. However I am not objective here, I am seeing the ripped up dreams of being with the man I love quietly sticky tapped back together. If that becomes a reality or if I am set for another heart break, I don’t know. However, I don’t want any more regrets.

I say that the universe is fucked. FUCKING UNIVERSE! I mean it’s been a year, what does it mean to pull us together again as strangers? If it was as ourselves, in a park or supermarket or something, I don’t think it would mean as much, but the fact that we were strangers for 2 weeks before we admitted it was each other & saw each other at the show, I mean that fucking means something, but what?

silverlining uncomfortable

I tell him “The thing that killed me the most was you sneaking into my house to get your stuff then saying ‘at least we got a kiss goodbye’ like fuck, I wanted to kill you. I saw your stuff gone & crumbled.” It was like a scene from a movie, I slid down a wall & howled. He had messaged to say that he got his stuff back so I knew it was gone, that he’d snuck into my house & took it but actually seeing it all gone when it was only here for less than 24 hours was an unbelievable sight. He says that he’s sorry that I had him so close “I felt so bad … You have no idea.”  I don’t think he felt bad at all, but he says that he struggles with empathy, which I knew already. He says that he didn’t cry when he was caught, he was upset that he was caught but not by what he’d done. “She thinks I’m a psychopath based on my actions … My lack of empathy , I didn’t care I had cheated on her.” I don’t believe this, I mean I know he doesn’t show emotion & I was always surprised that he even could say that he loved me based on his childhood but he didn’t give a shit what happened to me, but cared about what happened to her, he says “Yet I ended up at your house with all my stuff … So did I really care that much about her. I give a shit, gave a shit. I struggle with empathy, not my strongest point. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love you or care for you.” I am angry again. “You ended up here because you didn’t want your family to know & you used me that day… It was never about actually wanting to be with me. Was convenient. & as always, I was available for you.” He tells me that he didn’t use me that day – which he’s told me before when I said similar, that he isn’t lying after all the time. He asks if I know how hard it was for him to tell me that he loved me or that he was breaking up with his partner of 10 years which is why I fucking snap “You should’ve stayed home, broken up with her then come to me. You can see it your own way Silverlining, but you used me!I get the predicament he was in, but they were texting non-stop & when he put his phone down to pay me some attention, she called him incessantly, it’d ring out then she’d call again & again until he replied to her texts, all day while he was at my house. He never answered her calls, except by accident & she was sobbing. It pissed me off because he brought the kids to my house & I looked after the 2 month old baby while he messaged her – all fucking day. His reply hits me “If all this is true why do you still love me?”  While I 100% can answer this, I know why I still love him, it still knocks me for a six. “I know it must’ve been hard because it was hard for me to say it too… So fucking hard that I used the stupid heart emoji all the time. Because I can’t just turn off how I feel about you because you hurt me…. It was epic for me. Absolutely changed my life & who I am.”

I always used the heart emoji instead of the word love because I didn’t want to get too involved with him, because we both knew it was wrong, but I one day thought that our love would conquer all the bullshit & we would be together. He says “I had no idea how much you loved me , I knew you loved me. And I knew that you knew I loved you. I just assumed I had made you loveable , and equipped you with the emotional skills and sexyness to easily move on and you’d be fine. My god you were sexy. And I opened you up and know I made you feel capable of love … and being loved. I saw it in your eyes when you saw me … It was also the cause of frustration towards the end.” I knew he didn’t realise how much I loved him, it’s my regret for not telling him more, knowing he needed to hear it, also I needed to say it, just as much as he needed to hear it, I needed to say it to remind myself that this was something special for both of us.

I tell him that I know he didn’t believed how much I loved him, because I didn’t say it. But I was protecting myself & also I was really scared because I knew that with his self-esteem issues that make him believe that people don’t care for him, (I know that sounds narcissistic, but you don’t know his full story – so while I agree he is a narcissist sometimes, there are some reasons behind it.) when push came to shove, he wouldn’t believe my love for him, he says that he knows I loved him but he realises now that he didn’t know how much, because I held that back – protecting myself. Have I done this with others like Noddy or Motocross? Then they pull away because I don’t give too much of myself? I’ve been single a long time, Silverlining knows that I am set in my ways, that always scared him too. Maybe that scares others too?!

I also tell him that I felt like I loved him more than he loved me, I mean he had a whole other life with a partner & kids, that I felt like I was more in it than he was, I mean he always said he wouldn’t leave here. I curse the fact that I never told him face to face & tell him that I regret that more than he would believe. He says that he knew I loved him even though I didn’t say it, “I just thought I was the idiot who loved you more. I had no idea you were also having fantasies of us living together… You have no idea how much I pictured it while I was at our house.”  FUCK, would things be different if I opened up? Perhaps, perhaps not, but I wish I wasn’t so closed & now I’m thinking I’m too closed with Motocross… Would things be different with Motocross if I just asked the awkward questions & opened up? Is it too late for a happy ending with Motocross?! Or would the be the same because he’s a douche?

I tell Silverlining that I pictured him & his kids here on a Sunday night when I was with my nieces & nephews who are about the same age, I imagined them playing together. I tell him that I wanted him more than I wanted anything, that it hurt me when he used me being clean & tidy as one of the reasons not to be with me. He says that it was his children that influenced his decision more than anything – which I knew & understood. They were part of the reason I stopped emailing him too. He looked at every negative aspect that he would have on my life & tried to convince himself that he wasn’t good enough for me. “That’s not your fault. It’s mine” I just can’t help but wonder, if I had been more open about wanting him in my life, if I had of been more open about telling him how much I love him, would things have gone down differently? Or would they be there same but with less regret & therefore no need to talk to him now? He says that he didn’t want to burden me, he didn’t want to scab off me, he felt like all the debt he had would do that to me. I tell him that I have some restraint that I didn’t tell the stranger everything when he asks why I didn’t say this to him, he says “You’re good with restraints”  & just like that we’re back to being flirty & cheeky, just like we were. He says he can’t believe that I can flirt with him after everything, I reply “I flirt because we have stupid insane chemistry. I can’t help it. If you asked to meet me, I probably would. Your my drug, I’m a junkie. I can’t resist.”

And just like Alice…

I fall down the rabbit hole once more.

#IBD4U

Silverlining #9

I will be honest with you (which I always am way too honest here but you know what I mean, hahaha) I struggled so much with the decision to write the Silverlining chapters of my #IBD4U story. It’s not easy writing about something when you know what has actually happend in real life. Good or bad. So I wasn’t going to write about this at all – gloss over it, skip a few months, especially since I know the reaction from some readers already. This is going to be hard for some of you to read now we know who he is, this is going to be hard for me to write, this is just going to be hard – moving forward! But remember, you are reading my diary, none of us can change it! This is emotional for me too, I have been through a lot, not only with Silverlining in the past, but think about all the douches I have dated since, no winder I am still in love with him.Imagine being my friend in real life & living this shit with me?! How many said what you have said in the comments on Facebook. I lied to a lot of people about chatting to him again, about wanting to see him again, wanting to kiss him again, wanting to tell him I love him to his face. For an oversharer like me, as you can may have been able to tell, I am pretty much like this in real life, I dominate conversations & talk about myself a lot (not on purpose, but I have a lot of stories). I don’t often go into as much detail in real life, depending on the audience, but I generally am very open. So lying – not actually lying, but not telling the whole story, to people close to me at this time, is not at all in my nature. I hate it. & maybe that should be a sign that I am questioning what I am doing or know that it is not right. However, nothing has ever felt as good as being in love with Silverlining. No matter how heartbreaking it was, those 18 months with him were some of the best times of my life. Admitting I love him still is so fucking hard, I mean, I don’t want to love him after what has happened, but that fucking heart of mine was opened & now I can’t close it to him!He tells me that he avoided anything on the anonymous app that resembled me, I tell him that I haven’t used the app in months in fear of seeing him, especially since I just assume that he’s happy & over me. “I will never get over you but anyways” FUCK! Why is he still with her if that’s the case?! I tell him that it’s almost 12 months to the day since we stopped emailing, he says that he’s been reading them recently & suggests I don’t read them again if I can help it, that they’re really hard to read.He asks when I worked out it was him, I had my suspicions from the first message when he said something about squirting like a porn star, no one has ever used that phrase with me before. He says he could tell from the first conversation with me but not the first message – he said he never 100% knew but was suspicious, I mean I didn’t know for sure either, but I was super suspicious & was lured in right away. I tell him that I just knew it was him after I saw him at the show, I just knew, but I wanted him to expose himself before I said who I was but I could tell from the times he was online that it was him, it was blatantly obvious.I say that I was glad to get some stuff off my chest that he couldn’t really respond too without telling me who he is, he even says that I got mad when he told me who he was. Well of course I did! I was fucking furious that he has catfished me! I mean he had a massive go at me for apparently doing it to him & chatting to his partner, I mean how dare he do it to me & it be ok! Although I suppose I did know it was him too, but I was 100% myself. Spilling the beans about my Epic Love.20200613_184741_00008799391181024822739.pngBut stupidly I have calmed down a bit about the catfishing, I mean this is the man I love – despite what I should be feeling, he makes me fucking angry & calm all at the same time. I tell him that I noticed it was him because of how the commas aren’t ever against the word, there’s always a space, he says he doesn’t know how that happens but he also noticed that I would stop chatting or not reply when I knew he was offline. I tell him that I was never going to admit it was me, I am stubborn, I know he is too so I’m not sure why he’s always the first one to admit it, he even says Eh someone had to admit the truth and it’s always me first” Yeah because I didn’t want to stop talking to him just yet, I know we need to stop but not just yet! I tell him that I needed him to know somethings about how I feel about us & he says that he has some demons about what happened with us too, so I’m not alone. I also tell him that it was obvious how he kept calling me a loser all the time, he always did that & did that a lot while pretending to give me advice about Motocross. He said he tried not to call me a loser because he knew that was a dead giveaway, which it was, I mean some of the phrases he used, you wouldn’t use with a stranger, but only with someone you knew intimately. He made it obvious that it was him.He laughs about trying to back out once I pretended that I didn’t know what he meant. He says that he tried to back out because he genuinely thought I didn’t realise that it was him.I open up “A year later after we stopped emailing, you are still trolling online for something… It fucking hurts me deeply to know you’re not 100% happy & never will be with her. I knew you knew it was me, so wanted you to think I’d moved on… I’ve told you I’m emotionally retarded. You knew this from day one with me. Was never a secret. Who wants to be the loser still pinning for their married ex whatever, a year & a half after he broke your heart?” I am hurt, I am distraught that he is looking for a connection online, whatever that connection is, he is looking for something & the fact that he’s not coming to me for that hurts. I mean I get that we said we wanted to be friends but lets face it, that never works & we would never be able to be friends. As much as I want him in my life, I don’t think I can just be friends with him. He says he’s not trolling online, but filling time at work. (We talk about our work issues later so I realise that this is exactly what he is doing. Filling time, just like I am.)I ask him “Why is it always so hard for you to realise my feelings for you?” he says that he doesn’t find it hard – which I call bull shit but he says “Why is it so hard to realize yours for me?” FUCK! I tell him that I do know my feelings for him, I mean I am always thinking about my fucking feelings for him! They are always in the forefront of my mind, they are always in my heart, hurting me every time I think about not being with him. He asks “Why do you not think I epically loved you? I loved you so much #IBD4U and it got to the point where I couldn’t hide it from you even know I knew I was meant to. And I will always love you. It’s something that will never go away.” Now is the time to get some other things off my chest, he’s talking consistently with me, I don’t know how much longer it will last, I mean this morning he revealed himself, tomorrow he may not log back on after this or worse he might ghost me… I don’t know what will happen but we still have things to say. I am angry again that he says he’ll always love me, I say “You said to me that you’d never let me walk away, that you were into deep… The first test & you let me walk. I don’t care about the excuses why, if it was epic for you as it was for me then you never would’ve let it go. There was always some doubt about me for you, which is why you chose the way you did…” He tells me what I need to hear & stupidly I know it’s probably bullshit, that this man is a smooth talker, but he tells me “It was a series of unfortunate events and the situation I was in that lead me to the path I took. It was never you. I wish you never blamed yourself. And you had me so close its funny. You had my bags in your house …” & my reply to him, “That’s what hurts the most”, it’s so excruciating knowing how close I was to my potential happy ever after & he tried to change the subject by saying that people will kill me for talking to him – yeah they probably will… “People never understood why I loved you… Especially after what you did to me… No one understands what we went through, besides us… No one will ever understand why I need to talk to you now… I don’t think you even will fully understand it. But I think you need to talk to me too… We both knew it was each other & made no attempts to stop talking.”

#IBD4U

Motocross #23

This is a bit premature in the story timeline with Silverlining but I know you all want a Motocross post to find out what is happening with him! So this is a shorter one, because I don’t want to give too much away but you need some answers to your questions! Hahaha.

My family don’t end up coming over on Sunday so I send Motocross a text being that I sort of expected to hear from him later in the evening about when he is coming over, he hasn’t ever bailed or not come over when he said he would, he’s been quite consistent and regular actually, why would tonight be any different?! What woman at this point, wouldn’t think this is going somewhere?! I’m not sure what men are thinking, I do have some male readers & would love your opinion of this guy, is Silverlining right about Motocross?

I leave it till really late in the afternoon to message him. “Hey, my family isn’t coming over tonight… If you’re keen to catch up earlier tonight” He replies that he’s just about to finish his last ride (WHAT?!) & he’ll come after that. Even his lies are getting confused, wasn’t he in Darwin this weekend? Now is he trying to say that he’s been riding at the show? Because the rides were much later than this when I went to the show last weekend. Fuck, I have to get to the bottom of this. Ok so tonight is the night, I am going to ask him some questions I need to find out what the deal is with this dude because honestly, it’s doing my head in.

At 6:30 pm he comes over, no kiss, ho hug hello, as usual we sit on the opposite ends of the couch & he talks at nauseum about his cousin who had a stroke, he talks about Melbourne & his trip there but not his trip to Darwin, he talks so much oddly – the most he’s ever talked really, in detail & genuinely seems sad about what’s going on in his life, that I just don’t get to ask him anything about us (for lack of a better word), I know you all hate me for not doing so, I hate me too, I mean I deserve some answers to my questions, however, how can I ask what the fuck is going on when he has talked at length about his cousin who is possibly dying, who is my age?! FUCK. Motocross sort of finally opening up… When he isn’t talking about his cousin, he’s asking me about my trip to Brisbane. Like he knows I am going to ask him questions. He asks where I am staying, what I’m doing there & how long I am going to be there, so many questions & the way he asks, almost like he is hinting for an invitation.

When he finally stops talking, he makes a move on me & we kiss. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 weeks – which is like a lifetime for me but we have seen each other a fair few times so I’m still not sure what the whole no sex thing is about. The sex isn’t that great tonight to be honest. He doesn’t even seem to get as hard as he usually does, I don’t even cum – not bothering to even try at this point. But lying there afterwards he says that he felt revirginised. I assume that’s a good thing that he now feels no longer like a virgin?! I mean he’s seen me, we could’ve had sex, it’s not like I’ve been turning him down!

I get up quicker than I usually would, I tend to wait for the guy to make the move to leave, but this time I am actually over this guy… I mean what is his deal, he didn’t get that hard, he doesn’t seem interested, I now know that Silverlining is Noodle, I am done trying to work out what Motocross wants. I don’t know what is going to happen with Silverlining, but I know that I don’t ever want a relationship like Motocross is offering me.

I stand in front of the heater, in the most unsexy pjs I could find & bend over (I don’t remember why now, but I remember bending over – probably warming up my hands) I also recall with Boyfriend every time I bent over to do something mundane like pack our dishwasher, he would dry hump me from behind, I always thought it was weird & didn’t understand it – I guess because it was the first time I had lived with a man. Now I know that this is what men do, even if you’ve just fucked them, that it’s now weird when I bend over & a guy I’m with doesn’t dry hump my ass from behind with a boyish giggle.

motocross quick question

As I stand up though, Motocross comes up behind me like he knows that I am not feeling this with him or something, he hugs be from behind & I find myself leaning back into him. FUCK. He says goodbye & walks to the door hugging me again a goodbye saying he’ll message me tomorrow. I laugh & he says what. I mean I’ve had this conversation with him before. I have told him not to say he’ll message if he’s not going too because I will wait for the message like a loser. So tonight I just say you won’t message so don’t say you will. He says he will, I roll my eyes knowing he won’t & by 11:30 pm he is gone.

I am now on holidays for three weeks from work, just for some time off & to go to Brisbane to visit my friends. I have to go into work to do some things on the Monday & I wait for him to message – all fucking day, you guessed it, I never get a message. I am honestly going to just let him go, but when “Spoiler Alert” I organise to catch up with Silverling & it doesn’t happen (story to come obviously) I feel shit about myself & text Motocross “Hey, thanks for the message yesterday hahaha. Just wondering what you’re up too? My friend just bailed on lunch & I’m now just sitting at home. Wondered if you’re free?” I’m dressed, I look pretty, why waste it?! He replies 20 minutes later saying “Hey Yeeah actually through about it last night but was to late to message I thought. I’m doing supercross testing today with me mechanic. I’m sorry I’m not free tho” I don’t reply, which maybe I should’ve but I don’t & then I don’t hear from him again.

But again feeling sorry for myself, later in the week when my family are leaving & ask how his week was. He says that he’s had a good week & flying home tomorrow, meaning he’s not in Adelaide to see me like he usually does. I tell him that I go away Wednesday afternoon that if he would like to catch up before I go, to let me know. He replies the next say saying we’ll see how we go. I am like you’re a fuckwit Motocross I’m done with this so I write back “Well, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to catch up, I’m not going to keep making all the plans.” I expect that I’ll never hear from him again, but when my phone starts buzzing 30 minutes later, it’s fucking Motocross! WHAT THE FUCK does he want?! We chat for a bit & he says that he really wants to catch up but he’s not in Adelaide at the moment, he apologises & seems sincere then he says that he ‘was going to surprise my in Brisbane.’ Stupidly, I am a fuck wit who smiles like a wanker, then gives out my itinerary. So he didn’t need to call, that was his out to ghost me, so surely this guy is sincere?

OMG, he’s going to come ‘surprise’ me in Brisbane, this is so exciting! I start thinking about how the logistics of this will work… Am I just a loser thinking he will actually come?!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #8

I know Silverlining (As he will now be called because I can’t handle calling him Noodle anymore) has two kids with this woman, but how is it ever ok that you have to stop your partner from going to someone else’s house with the intent to harm them? Or calling them a crazy bitch when you have chosen to stay with her!? How can he even want to be with someone like that? How can she want to be with someone like him? How can I even want to be with someone like him? I get that I fucked her partner very regularly for 18 months & after she found out about us we still talked for a further 6 months (which I’m not sure she knows that part but surely she has to know that he didn’t just cut someone off she knows he loved cold turkey), but I am not the enemy here. He did that to her, I didn’t have any commitment to her, I have no ties with her, I have never lied to her, I don’t even know her. HE is the one committed to her, disrespecting & betraying her.

This is the part of cheating I hate & don’t think I could get over – to think about what he might be saying about me. I can’t honestly say that if it wasn’t me cheating with Silverlining 18 months ago, it would have been someone else, I do believe he is loyal & not a player, that we got caught up in it by having that chemistry online, I don’t think he genuinely was looking to actually cheat on her. I mean he could’ve had multiple affairs with people on the chat app while seeing me but didn’t & I stopped seeing other people too because of our where our relationship went, our chemistry & our passion. I mean I also hate to think about what Silverlining has told his partner about me, I mean he says he’s told her as little as possible but I’m assuming if he’s calling the woman he’s been with for 10 years a crazy bitch, imagine what he’s saying about me to her!?

I am very well aware of what I should do, what you all will tell me to do in the comments on Facebook after you’ve read this. Some of you get it though, some of you don’t understand the pull I have with him that I need to see this through, I don’t know what might happen at this point, but I have to at least talk to him & get some answers, get some closure maybe? I will own everything I do, I don’t share my story for your judgement or your recommendations, but I want you all to know, I am not perfect, Silverlining is not perfect. Nothing is perfect, I make mistakes & I’m almost sure that what ever happens here is going to be a mistake, but sometimes, we need to make mistakes. Motocross is being a weirdo, I have no idea what his game is & here the universe has brought back the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I am still in love with. I know that you all think he’s a dick & hate him… There are personal things I won’t ever share on here about him & I, (I know that seems ridiculous since I talked about our sex life so much, but that’s not as intimate as peoples deep dark secrets) I mean to be honest, posting on the blog about someone you’re talking too is so fucking hard! I was posting the Noodle series when I am talking to him in real life last September & it freaks me out that he’ll find it & read it & hate me for this outlet (Which I know you will all say not to worry but I have shared some pretty intimate details that I can’t take back now.) A guy friend once said to me never to tell anyone ever about this blog, so take it to the grave.

Now I’m scared about posting about him the first time & him finding out about it while talking to me the second time… If he found out when weren’t talking, it’s no big deal but he is back in my life for some reason. A reason that might not be good, I don’t know however he is back & that means something… But I am fucking angry at him, he tells me over & over that he protected me as much as he could. I get more & more furious saying he wouldn’t have to protect me if he didn’t show her where I lived. I tell him he’s deluded if he thinks bring a mentally ill person to my house is protecting me, he apologises & backs down knowing I am right “She manipulated me and wanted to make a point to you. She gave me an ultimatum, I avoided it and didn’t want to do it.” He did fucking not avoid it, he could’ve got his stuff on the way to pick her up in the morning, he could’ve got his stuff back via my sister or just let it go. She wanted him to hurt me & it worked, he did. I ask what the ultimatum was but I already know what he’s going to say “I have to get my shit back on the way back from the hospital otherwise she’s gone with the kids” I tell him that she wouldn’t have gotten custody of the kids anyway, she just pulled a stunt & landed in hospital, to be honest I was super surprised she got out that quickly. He genuinely says sorry about what he did to me, he was under a lot of pressure which I get, I mean she’s not mentally stable, he felt trapped. I tell him that this is why I doubt what we had & how he felt, he just told me himself that men lie, I tell him that he lied to her, me & that I’m 100% sure he used me for sex for a year. He says that “We have always been too honest with each other. I don’t need to lie to you to feel better about myself. I never used you for sex. I fucking loved you. I enjoyed sitting in the car talking to you more than I enjoyed fucking you. I thought about you every moment, you were my fucking world. And I got so fucking close to leaving for you , I had my shit and my kids in your house. I never used you for sex. We were friends before we had sex.” I know what you’re all thinking, what a manipulator he is, how he’s boosting his own ego… But even as ice queen #IBD4U, I melt a little bit, I am literally even more hurt from these comments “Yeah so close, yet so far… You ere so scared of being alone.” He says that he’s not scared about being alone but he thinks of me all the fucking time but he also just thinks I am fucking everyone. I say “Just as a side note, you look fucking amazing… I hope she tells you everyday.” He says he thinks he looks the same & says that I am amazing, I shouldn’t doubt myself. I tell him that when I saw him at the show, he looked good & I wish I told him more. “I hate that I always wrote I ♥ you. I should’ve told you every single time we saw each other. We said it once face to face… Once. I still see your expression when you said it to me that day at my house while holding the baby.” He says that the knows what the heart meant, but like I said it’s one of my regrets with him, I know he knew what it meant, but remember the movie Ghost, when Patrick Swazye only every says ditto?! She knew he loved her but she needed to hear it. Silverlining, always needed that reassurance, I should’ve known better, he needed to hear it.

Silverlining toxic realationship

He says that the thinks he’s fatter than ever, but I say he’s definitely not looking fatter. He says that he didn’t look at me because he felt me over there & thought it would be too hard to see me, but she asked him right away if it was me, which he denied seeing me, she was apparently shitty for about an hour & then he told her she was being paranoid – WOW. But she had also said in the carpark when they got there that they were going to see me. How odd, I mean I didn’t even know I was going when I was still lying in bed chatting to him on the app… So weird that she felt like she was going to see me too! But he says that it happens all the time, she freaks out & says that she just saw #IDB4U (But actually uses my name!) I tell him that I haven’t eaten, stress does that to me & I lost 10kgs when we ended the first time, that I’ve lost a couple of kgs since chatting to him & seeing him at the show, however work is my main stressor at the moment, which is causing me to only be able to eat, as my boss calls my breakfast sludge. An avocado smoothie. The only way I can force myself to eat something.

He says that he’s going through some stuff at work too but he’s been eating a lot & his pants are too tight now. I tell him that I was shaking like a leaf at the show after I saw him & was freaking out that I’d see him again, but I knew that he wouldn’t have stayed for the fireworks, I felt like he’d gone home & so I checked the app & sure enough he had messaged me, so I knew he was home. “Can you do me a favour and get something tasty to eat for lunch” FUCK! He still cares, I mean I know this is fucked, but fuck, the fact that he’s worried about me, makes me fucking melt a little more. I tell him how good my mum was at the show when I was shaking & couldn’t eat, he asks what my sister says about it. I just say that she told me to stop talking to this guy whoever he is, Silverlining says “You shouldn’t be talking to me” I say that I am hyped up unable to eat because I am scared he’s going to ghost me again that it makes my tummy churn. “You shouldn’t be talking to me either…” We really need to stop, not chat… “Nope but yet here we are. #IBD4U Fuck me. Not literally… But fuck… Time is meant to heal“ Well we all know, it doesn’t… I tell him that he was the one that chose to end it badly, it was only a matter of time before we were drawn back together, especially if he is still online. “You really love me that much still?” I want to reply no, I want to tell him he’s an asshole that I hate his guts. I want to hate his guts, I want to hate everything about him but I just fucking don’t. I wish I did, I know this is stupid but I can’t stop my fingers from typing “As much as I don’t want too, yeah I do love you.”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #7

So I know I asked what post you wanted on Facebook last night, I was going to leave you all hanging with what the fuck is going on here with Silverlining, but this post fits better in with the timeline, so I have to give you this story first before a Motocross post – but I have made it longer for you! I am dying to tell you both at the same time, trust me, I want you all to know, however I do need to build up some intrigue! But it’s seriously like someone is having a good ol laugh when it comes to the story of my life!

That message… My breath catches… I can’t even think straight right now… I stare at that last message from Silverlining for about 20 minutes… “At what point do we stop pretending” Yeah… What does that even mean? Does it mean that it’s Noodle? My heart starts beating like a maniac. I mean is he finally going to say who he is? I thought he was stubborn?! Hahaha, I knew he would crack first… Should I play dumb? Should I tell him who I am?

I gather up some of my equilibrium & actually form a reasonable response – even though I am a little angry at him for his messages prior to the reveal. “For the record, I didn’t mention my ex then, you did. & yes while he’s a lot of my problem, which I don’t usually talk about, it’s also the ‘desperation’ (for lack of a better word) to be treated better too. Find a partner, like you said, I do want companionship. Since my ex I’ve been with a lot of men, 3-4 stand out idiots which make me think about what I had with him. Which wasn’t entirely good with my ex but at least it was real. I’m not really that forgiving, but I’m trying not to be so judgey of MC, yeah this guy lied, but he was at my house, it’s not like he lied to not see me… That would be douchy & I’d be pissed but he was actually sitting next to me when he lied… The other stuff is weird but he’s still been seeing me. Maybe it is his self-preservation, not wanting to get to close so didn’t want to text all the time so pretended his phone was fucked. Is it really that bad?” Reading back on that message I am thinking really #IBD4U, fucking hell! Yes it’s that bad that he was sitting on your couch lying to your face!! FUCKING HELL…

I don’t know how else to respond to Silverlining’s potential reveal so I just send “Pretending?!” with a questioning emoji. No fucking way am I am giving away my identity first! He can fucking tell me who he is! He writes back “Sorry that was meant for someone else lol” WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT! “I don’t think it was meant for someone else” he says that he got the conversations mixed up, I know this is fucking bullshit… “I’m sure you’re pretending with me.” I am getting ready for the gym, barely able to go, thinking that this will be over with Silverlining by the end of the day when we reveal our true selves. He says “I’ve noticed a pattern…..” What pattern is that Silverlining?! I tell him that I have been 100% honest with him, too honest in fact, when he asks if I am pretending with him. I ask what he’s talking to other people on the app about, he says catfishing. I reply “Yeah I know I’m being catfished” Fuck as if I didn’t know the first fucking day we started chatting. I am actually also over being catfished by him, it’s been almost 2 weeks of chatting with this guy, I need to know who the fuck he is! If this is Noodle, I am going to be furious that he has catfished me after having a go at me for apparently catfishing him & his partner. “I haven’t catfished you. At no point have I pretended to be someone I’m not. If I knew from the start I probably would of worked on projecting a fakeness to my online personality. Funny how the universe works sometimes tho. Fuck we are both so young tho” I forget to ask him because I am so riled up by these messages, but assume he means dumb not young. IT’S FUCKING NOODLE! “I know you haven’t pretended. I can tell. The universe is fucked.” FUUUUCCCKKKKKK!

“Well I can see you didn’t hide on the app so clearly you wanted to be found (not the post) well at one stage. Not sure why you would ask someone from advice that would have such a fucking … and I mean fucking massive conflict of interest.” He tells me that my pattern was using … at the end of everything & the timing – I’m not sure how the timing would be different for me, I mean I can message 24/7 if I wanted too, I’m fucking single, I can do what I want! He was the one who logged off & I could tell by his times online, expect when he threw in a random message to confuse me. He adds, “I do mean everything I said about your ex. Nothing was your fault. Ever. You blame yourself way too much.” Yeah I know I do, but fuck, there are a lot of things I would do differently. I reply “I never wanted to be found by you. I don’t use the app a lot at all. You’re the one who replied to me knowing me who I am. I never changed the way I type or how I talk. So it was not a pattern, it’s who I am & how I type. I never hid from you who I am. Interestingly after accusing me of catfishing you & your partner many months ago, you now do it to me to get intimate details from me. Definitely funny how the universe works… Pulls us together again, yet again.” FUCK.

He sends 28 messages in a row while I’m at bootcamp, fucking hell, I know this is dumb, but I can tell he has a lot to say & now we’ve revealed our identities – without really identifying ourselves, I can see that he’s also scared, like I am that one of us is going to ghost the other… “I had no idea it was you. No fucking idea. I avoided anything that resembled you. Anything in your age group. Banter Queen was really obvious you. Never catfished you intentionally. I knew the worse thing I could do was message you. It obviously became very clear who you are. How fucked is our chemistry even as strangers on the anonymous app. Who were both hiding our identities via name changes and age changes. I honestly swear to fucking god I had no idea it was you. I still fucking love you , you twat , I can’t be friends with you. It has killed me so much knowing how much I have fucked you up. I haven’t been able to sleep at night knowing how much I have fucking hurt you. You needed me to know how much I fucking hurt you. If I knew it was you I would of never , ever messaged you. I ghosted for a reason. It because I knew how much it would hurt me. And worse still, how much I’ve hurt you. And it’s even more fucked I know. It was so much easier thinking you would of moved on by now. 3 Shrinks, I feel terrible! So fucking terrible. Now I know we will never be together as I don’t expect you to wait for me , but don’t you ever deny that I fucking loved you. I have never in my life heard a love song and thought of a person , I did that while seeing you , and the fucked thing is I still do it now. It was always 2 ways , don’t you forget who said it to you first. Don’t you forget who admitted you were really my girlfriend at the end of it.” OH MY FUCKING BLOODY MOTHERFUCKER GOD! I don’t even know what to say to those 28 messages – he still loves me?! Really… I’m still fucking in love with him too, but I am not going to fucking say it. I am furious! He still thinks about me when he hears love songs?! I mean I do too, but fuck I never knew he would too!!

Silverlinging arguing via text

But I am still furious, About so many things here, mainly about the fact that he’s still in love with me & still with her! FUCKING HELL. I know this chat with him will end soon now knowing who we are. We can’t continue to talk like we have been, I mean we’ve gotten back into a texting every day pattern at this point. But I still have things to say but I am angry as fuck. I tell him that I am not Banter Queen, whoever she is, I have hardly ever used the app, I mean since seeing Motocross for the last 3 months, I haven’t been online much at all until he started being weird. I say that I have seen him post & chat on the anonymous app & usually I will stop chatting to someone that resembles him “But after I saw you walk past me at the show last week, I couldn’t stop chatting to this “app guy”… Thinking you were Noodle. But not really believing it. I was like no, he wouldn’t do that to me… Surely… Especially after blaming me for doing it when I hadn’t.” I have to know if he saw me at the show, what he thought, if she saw me. I tell him that I told him all that stuff because I needed him to know, after we stopped emailing, I still had things to say & I say that I assume that he’ll stop talking to me now. He tells me what I already know that I was talking to him before the show “And you want to know something absolutely fucked. I felt you at the show but didn’t see you. I knew it was you. Unfortunately so did she but that’s another story for another day.” I say that I saw him & so glad (eyes rolling) that his partner recognised me, I thank him for showing her what I look like – fucking asshole. He tells me that “She stalked your ass don’t you worry” oh Jesus! Really?! He says that she figured out some ‘trick’ to find me & look at my photos on Facebook. Well everything is private, so fuck knows what this trick is. He says “As soon as I felt you she asked me if I saw you, which I didn’t and denied it would of been you.” For someone that’s self-confessed super geeky, he tells me that she has a trick that he doesn’t know what, on how she can hack Facebook & see everything I have that is private?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… This is hilarious! So I am 100% certain this is a lie – when I reinvigorated this blog in 2018, I posted once, only ONCE on my Facebook wall about it. If she had this ‘trick’, she would know about my blog, I know she wouldn’t be able to ignore it & she wouldn’t be able to keep it in, she’d tell him & he would probably not be talking to me… They both would have read it, she’d probably leave him, knowing the real story, surely & he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Therefore, there is no trick for hacking Facebook, if there is, please email me about it, because I don’t believe this bullshit she spins.

I had changed my name back to my real name with my middle name as my surname on Facebook – pretty much like everyone these days, but he tells me that she thinks that my last name is what I have up on Facebook – at least she doesn’t know my real surname. He said I used to be hidden on Facebook & even he couldn’t find me but she has & said that she used to look at my photos every single day for months. I ask how he can be ok with that, I am fucking angry that I was told I wasn’t allowed to message his phone or contact him, but she’s allowed to stalk my fucking Facebook?! FUCKING HELL I AM ANGRY! All he says is “I had an affair what can I do” Um, well Noodle you can fucking protect your mistress like you said you would!!!!!

He says that he’s sure I wanted to know what she looked like the whole time we were fucking but I tell him I knew pretty early on anyway, yeah I had looked her up, but not fucking daily to look at what?! The same pictures, I saw what she looked like, I didn’t need to keep looking. She knows what I look like, why keep looking?! She got him to stay with her, why does she need to keep thinking about me & stalking me? He says that she’s shit at computers so he’s not sure how she figured it out. I am so angry, fuck! “You had an affair & didn’t + don’t protect the person you apparently loved?!” I tell him that I actually used to shop in her shop being it’s the closest one to my house before he told me she worked there. Of course I knew what she looked like. Once he told me her name, I blocked her on Instagram, but stupidly not on Facebook. I’m not sure why. He says that he protected me more I think, yeah right he did… She didn’t know my real name until Sweetie told her my real name wasn’t what he said, why didn’t he say another fucking fake name?! He didn’t protect me at all “She knows where I live & what I look like, she knows my name & what I do as a job… She also knew what size I was… I mean what didn’t you tell her?” I mean there wasn’t much else he could protect me from “I protected you the best I could in the situation I was placed in” I remind him that she even had a fucking phone number, my work number which she wrote down wrong anyway, but she had a phone number. He says that he never gave her the number but lucky she fucked it up after finding it on the iPad, that she never came to my work or my house to shame me – OMG, is he serious?! She would’ve be able to do that if he didn’t give her that information. I am fucking angry, having a major go at him for bringing her to my house & taking his stuff like a thief in the night “Do you have any idea how that felt?! Coming home to your shit gone after everything I did for you & finding a note from her in my letterbox?” There is nothing much he can say at this point “I didn’t know she did that. I didn’t let her in your house.” I always knew he hadn’t let her in the house, he said he didn’t, I believe him because he wrote a note on my fridge note pad, she wrote the note without his knowledge so there was no way she came inside, he wouldn’t have been able to write me a note if she came inside. “I can see why you think I didn’t protect you.” but he says “You never had a crazy bitch turn up to your house to kill you… And I can assure you she wanted too.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD… Can you even believe what he is saying right now?!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #6

Ironically (because of who I think this is), Silverlining tells me that “A guy doesn’t lie for that long” as a reply to when I say that I’m sure the feelings Noodle had for me weren’t real (I need to have some confidence in myself! I know – I know.) or that he knew he was getting sex so he was a master manipulator at getting what else he wanted. I’m obviously certain a guy could lie for that long, I watched Noodle lie to his partner for over a year and a half & get away with it to see me, while she was tracking his phone. It’s quite disturbing how easily it was for Noodle to lie. I say that men lie & they sometimes cheat but I believe that my epic love was completely straight with me. Silverlining says that if EL knew he was getting sex every time he saw me regardless & still was saying those things to me, with a partner, then he meant it – he had no reason to lie. He wasn’t lying. This puts my mind at ease now, being that I am still sure that this is him. I tell him that EL will probably come back into my life at some point, he says “the dude fucked up and lost his chance with you , he’s an asshole , focus on your future and less on the past.” I know that this is not what he wants to say but he’s also pushing me to text Motocross even though he’s basically told me over & over again that he’s not into me. However I know that Noodle would want me to be happy & Silverlining has said how cool he thinks Motocross is & Noodle always said I should be with someone cool.

I tell Silverlining again that I think it was one sided, he replies “I seriously doubt it was one sided as you don’t develop what you have when it’s one sided , epic love could only spark when both parties are involved ; it could only take a layers of chemistry , affection , friendship , sex , passion and most of all a very deep level of connection mentally not just physically.” If this really is Noodle & he believes that, why wouldn’t be want to be with me?! But I guess for him in the end, it was Want vs Obligation, (maybe there’s a blog in that?!) not that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he is obliged to stay with her. Not only because of the kids, who he didn’t want to lose but because of all the bullshit stunts, the money & whatever he thinks is his mind are reasons to stay.

He asks about the night with Motocross was weird when I mention it, I explain that he lied about the royal show being cancelled, yet mum was watching bike riders when she called, but then that Motocross was at my house, so I was trying not to think too much about it. He says it’s not weird, if you take the show part out of it, that he obviously wanted to see me, so I should think that’s a good thing. But then he says when I say that I think he’s made up the cousin stroke story, but he asks about his wealth, if I’ve seen any proof. Well this line of question throws me off, but I reply saying that I’ve seen his 2 cars but I haven’t seen anything else. Silverlining says that cars can be rented etc, one lie usually leads to another. “The weather was fine last night and to my knowledge there was no warnings or any impending weather coming. Bad weather coming. So you’ve been lied to and you know it in regards to that. Either that or he really wanted to see you. And then something terrible happened. But like I said I think I’m going to stay out of this one … I allready feel I’m influencing your thought process on this guy way to much than I should. I suggest you start digging (not your grave).” I guess this is #interesting, if Motocross really did want to see me & he wasn’t riding at the show, he had to lie about it being cancelled, however maybe when Motocross got to my house, he could sense that I was going to dig a little deeper so he freaked out & left? But obviously Silverlining doesn’t get it either & says he thinks it’s hell suss. Seriously, I hope I find out what Motocross deal is because I agree with Silverlining, it’s fucking suss!

Silverlining tells me not to overthink it, but every time I say something to Silverlining about Motocross, he says something different, that I need to start digging to find out what the fuck is going on, or just to go with the flow & not overthink it. While Motocross is in Melbourne nursing his cousin back to health & talking to Silverlining I check the kms on the dating app, which says 22kms. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! I mean this could be because of two reasons – which is why I hate to stalk & don’t do it. First he might not have opened up the app while away, or he really is only 22kms from me. I’m no wiser to be honest & now I just have more questions about why he is 22kms away. Should I be happy he hasn’t opened the app to find someone in Melbourne or should I be suspicious why it’s 22kms away?

silverlining stop worrying

Then something gets the better of me & I am pretty sure this is Noodle who will know everything I need to know about an iPhone watch. I ask if Silverlining has an Apple or Samsung, then I ask if he has an Apple watch, which he says no (Probably to throw me off that this is Noodle) then he says “What an odd set of questions to ask a stranger” however, I know Noodle won’t be able to help himself – he’ll geek out at these questions & over explain. I explain how Motocross’ phone got wet that weekend (which was over a month ago but he’s continued to see me regularly) & he didn’t message me but then he’s been texting from his watch on dates & when his dad messaged at my house. Noodle is predictable & writes about 14 messages about this topic, saying that he’s rich so he probably has a sim card in the watch therefore he would be able to text on it. He also says that iPhones have been waterproof for years (Which I knew). He says that the phone books sync so if he can text on his watch, there was no reason why he couldn’t text me that weekend. FUCK. I knew this but it pisses me off to fact check it. Which is what I thought, but not sure why tried to ghost me that weekend, yet has been seeing me 3-4 times a week for like a month after so far… I’m not the only one setting up dates here, so I am not putting in all the effort, I mean I am putting in most of the effort, but he is asking to see me still… Seeing me without fucking me – though Silverlining thinks that is weird.

I wake up at 7:00 am on a Saturday to 10 messages in quick succession from Silverlining at 5:20 am. He talks about me being too forgiving & that I need to forget the sorry ass of an ex, that he hasn’t come back for me & when he does it’ll be too late, he says that I need to focus on Motocross & forget the “self confessed geeky guy.” I don’t remember ever telling Silverlining that about Noodle – maybe I did?! “It will always be his loss for missing out on such an amazing woman , not yours , don’t let it eat you up so much , because deep down it sounds like it still is” Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out either, I mean all I have done it talk to this guy about someone who I thought loved me, who I’m assuming I’m still talking too…

After almost 2 weeks of chatting to this Silverlining character about the ex-love of my life, about the current weirdo I’m dating, there is one more message at 6:26 am, an hour after the long line of messages – simply saying “Fuck at what point do we stop pretending …..”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

Motocross #22

In bed feeling like an idiot but can’t get to sleep because I am fucking stupidly hopeful that Motocross will come back even though I know deep down that he won’t. I hate that Silverlining has been right. This guy isn’t into me at all! FUCK.

I turn on the tv & start watching something on netflix or whatever, expecting the uncomfortable text from Motocross saying some rubbish & sorry he’s not coming back. However, when my phone buzzes more than for a text, I look over & I realise that someone is ringing me. It’s Motocross of course, which kind of makes me think he doesn’t have a wife (if some of you are thinking that) I was thinking that too, but if he did or he wanted an easy way out of this, he wouldn’t call, he would text. No one would call in this situation, I certainly wouldn’t – if I made a clean exit. But he’s opted for an awkward conversation.

He says that his cousin in Melbourne has had a stroke & he used to be really close with this cousin when he was younger but hasn’t seen him for years, but was going to see him soon so he is upset about it now. He says that they’re – his parents & him are trying to book flights to Melbourne tomorrow, he seems to think they are going to be on the red eye. (didn’t his dad’s friend have a jet?!) Anyway he says he’s heaps sorry, of course I am what anyone would be when a person rings up & says someone is injured or whatever, I am supporting, offer my apologies, ask if there is anything I can do & I listen. We don’t talk for heaps long but longer than I would expect of a person scrambling to get flights out tomorrow. The cynical part of me (which lets face it, its about 99.9% of me) says that he’s dreamed up this scheme so that he is now away for the rest of the week & the rest of the Royal Show, in case I choose to get another ticket! The part in me that gets along with this guy, wants be to believe this story, but I am struggling to be very honest with you! However, against advice from Silverlining, I give Motocross the benefit of the doubt, I have absolutely no reason not to believe Motocross & this isn’t something I could google, surely?!

I get off the phone with Motocross & send him a quick text “Let me know if I can do anything” with a kissing emoji. I would appreciate that kind of text if I got some bad news like that. He writes back 25 minutes later when I am asleep “Thank you appreciate it. I am sorry bout tonight been cut short” well at least he acknowledges it & is prepared to say it .I write back in the morning saying that I hope he had a good flight to Melbourne. I say that I didn’t realise he was jumping up & walking right out the door right away, or I would have hugged him or something. I apologise for being rude & say that I hope he is ok & his cousin is too. I don’t get a reply all day from like 7:30 am till after 6:00 pm. “Hey sorry for the mega late reply I got a flight first thing dismorring thanks. Yeah i’m sorry I was actually meant to be coming back sorry i didn’t.” I mean as if he was ever coming back, lets face it, while this guy writes back to every message, I am starting to believe what Silverlining is saying, Motocross is doing it as some sort of exchange, not because he really wants too… His lies are going to be caught out soon, I am obviously getting closer to asking what the fuck so he is pulling away rapidly. I reply saying that it’s ok, I ask how his cousin is & say that I still should’ve said a proper goodbye. He says that his cousin is still bad & he doesn’t know what’s happening that he’s really sorry but appreciates the message. I say again to let me know If I can do anything & say that there’s no need to be sorry that I understand & we can catch up when he’s back. To which, Motocross doesn’t ever reply. RIGHT.

Motocross notice everything

So another couple of things that I forgot to mention throughout this story, so I also work with someone who I made friends with on Facebook & of course Motocross keeps coming up as a friend suggestion, I happen to notice one day that we have a friend in common, it’s the chick from work who’s new, I’m not really that close too but I decide to have a chat to her about him. I am casual about it (well I think I am, but I’m probably not at all!), just asking how she knows him, she went to high school with him. I tell her that he said he left Adelaide when he was 16 to live in America & she sort of laughs, I keep going with my story just giving her a few things from him & when I say that he says he’s a crusty demon she cracks up laughing & says no. OMG. I mean I pretty much knew it but for someone to confirm it is just fucking gold…

I may have mentioned this fact, but Motocross has told me a couple of times that if he wasn’t a stunt rider, he’d be a tiler. I’m almost certain at this point that he is a tiler & not a motocross rider at all. Who the fuck knows at this point. I honestly don’t give a shit what a dude does for work as long as he’s working & enjoys his job. What the fuck is with all the lies?!

Friday I haven’t heard from Motocross & I think that he’s probably not thinking about me as such if he’s with his cousin & family at the hospital, so I just send a quick text asking how he is, how is his cousin & how Melbourne is. He doesn’t take long to write back. Saying that they spend the day at the hospital, there is not changes yet & that Melbourne is ok, he then asks how my day is. I wonder if he’s being polite or if he is interested. I say that I’m sorry to hear that, ask if he is still going to the Darwin crusty show on the weekend. I say that my day was shit, going home to have a bath (BTW after the bath with Motocross, I have bought nice radox bubble bath because we had talked about baths again together… I am not going to be caught again with no bubbles, even though I hate them!) but even though I am on annual leave on Monday I will have to go in to sort some shit out before I go to Brisbane.

Motocross has often talked about coming to Brisvegas as he calls it when I am there, I guess that he’s now got a get out of jail free card on that since I go in a week or so. He always seems excited to talk about my trip & my plans when I say that I have finally booked my flights & organised my accommodation with my friend.

He says that he’s leaving Melbourne in the morning for Darwin on the red eye (the fucking red eye, really!) I say that I hope his cousins is better & that he has a good flight, I ask when he’s back in Adelaide, saying that it sucks to have to work on my annual leave & I also say after he says that it’s good I’m relaxing in the bath, that it would be better if he was in the bath with me. He says that he’s back on Sunday around midday & asks why I am working if I am on holidays, he says “Hmmm yeah that be nice I’d be fair keen and the rest” Hahaha, whatever that means. I say for him to let me know if he wants to come over Sunday night that I’m sure he would use a hug, a bath & the rest. I dribbled on about the fucked reason I have to go into work & then never get a reply from him. I don’t get a text from him all day Saturday either. FUCK YOU.

Silverlining is saying I’m wrapped around Motocross finger & at this point I guess I am, I still don’t know who Silverlining is, I may never know, but I am not going to let Motocross go without at least trying to get to the bottom of his lies… Or what are seemingly lies. I must find out what the fuck is this guy’s deal.

Motocross calls me Saturday afternoon, which is new & just when I am fucking angry, he makes a gesture. We chat a bit while he is driving somewhere in Melbourne… Oddly, I don’t notice at the time, but writing this now, wasn’t he supposed to be in Darwin? Also I do notice at the time but his indicator car noise (Yes, cars have distinct indicators noises) sounds a lot like the indicator in his $75k Holden ute… We chat about his cousin & how he’s doing, how close Motocross is to him & that he’s woken up at least – so Motocross is much happier. Motocross talks about coming over after my family dinner on Sunday night, he’s back around midday so he says to let him know when I am free but cuts the conversation short as he has to go because he is lost in Melbourne. We hang up & I feel better, we don’t just have a texting relationship, this guy is now calling… However, actually… Did that phone call just open up more questions?!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #5

So this point in the timeline, Silverlining & I have been chatting a few days, almost a week – it’s very early September. I haven’t been putting in much effort with Motocross so we haven’t seen each other for a few days. I caught up in this texting chemistry again. Maybe like this blog for you, it’s like a car crash you can’t look away from? If you have ever had an ounce of the chemistry I had with Noodle with someone you were seeing, or if you ever n just picked up on the chemistry of the Noodle story, you will understand me when I say, that I can’t walk away from this Silverlining… Regardless of who he is, I may never find out, but I am sure that it is him. I toy with ideas about how I can tell him who I am, question who he is. Will he ghost me?! He’s still talking to me now, I’m 100% being me, I’m being so obvious, he surely knows that it’s me!

This is a precarious situation though, I know I shouldn’t be investing time in this, I know that he shouldn’t be investing time in me (though I can’t help but think he is ready to leave this time) I also know that my heart wants what my heart wants. But I am terrified of so many things, like the fact that he isn’t ready to leave & strong enough to be the man I need, that I am going to get hurt again if he ghosts me suddenly. It’s only been a few days of messaging, but we are back to our old tricks – texting every second we get, over sharing our lives, being honest… But I have to know, I have to see this through, is this Noodle?! Do you believe in signs, do you believe in the universe, do you believe in fate, do you believe in destiny? I don’t think I do, I mean my life has been a myriad of missed signs, fate & destiny & yet, the first person I’ve ever loved & still in love with is back in my life, that is a sign I am not willing to miss. I don’t think this is our time either, I don’t know if this really is him, but I do know that I am strong enough to survive this risk, just as I was strong enough to survive the first explosion with him.

Silverlining over him just kidding

Silverlining asks me what I’ve got to lose at this point showing Motocross some affection, good question, but I say my dignity. He also tells me that EL was told by me that I couldn’t be friends with him so he just followed through with that. I know that Noodle would say that he gave me what I wanted, well I thought he would fight harder for me. Silverlining asks why I told him I couldn’t be friends. “Yeah I told him that (but only because it would hurt to be friends with him & not have him.) He begged me not too to do that. So we agreed we should stay friends & then he cut me off.” It’s true, he cracked the absolute shits at me when I said it would hurt to be friends with him but in the end we agreed to be friends. He says that it sounds like he tried to do the right thing by me. “Maybe he realized it would hurt him just as much to be your friend. I’m sure the epic love thing went 2 ways. You don’t epically love someone on a one way street” Maybe not, but this just makes my heart ache… I say that I am not sure if was a 2 way epic thing. “I’m certain he couldn’t give a fuck what I’m doing now, I don’t know why I care.” I say this shit because I want to bring Noodle out, I also assume that if Noodle was single, he’d contact me, so I don’t think he is, but I need to know I was loved… He says that he doesn’t think people ever forget their exs. I never said that he’d forgotten me, I say that things were different for both of us & that I have a lot of questions.

He says that epic love can only exist if both people feel it, I start to doubt myself more than anything “Maybe I was deluded. I’d never felt love before so maybe that’s just lust & passion. & I built it up in my head” Maybe I did build up our relationship to something more than it was… He says that lust & passion can only co exist with love – really I’m not so sure “Lust is loves poor cousin. Lust is often mistaken for love. Passion is just chemistry.” I am not trying to talk myself out of my epic love, maybe because it hurts to talk about it, maybe because I want it again… I don’t know. “You can tell you loved him very dearly. And I’m sure he loved you equally back just as much. I’m sure this guy hypothetically still loves you and misses you.” FUCK. That hurts to think. I don’t know if that hurts because it could be true or because of who could be saying it…

He says I have some unresolved issues with me EL – Well dur, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out! I tell him that I am significantly fucked up, I have been to 2 therapists “I always knew it wasn’t our time, timing was always a factor but I did think that in a few years he’d come find me. But he’s also stubborn so pretty sure he won’t, thinking that I’ve moved on. He always thought I was too good for him” I am going to say some things now that are going to hit him, if it changes nothing, I don’t care, I need to say this stuff to the fake Noodle. He asks why EL would think I am too good for him “Cos apparently he’s a geek & I’m super cool. It was just cos of how we met, everyone used to hit on me etc. He was a very jealous guy about me… I mean I was jealous about him too but he was worse than me. He always thought I was fucking other people when in fact I wasn’t… He was insecure about a lot, mainly his looks but I obviously thought he was sexy or I wouldn’t have been with him so long, right?!” We talk about this topic for a while & how bad both our self esteems were, I mean he thought he wasn’t good enough for me at all & I didn’t think I was lovable, it was a doomed relationship from the beginning. Noodle never believed anything I said, so now I don’t bother expressing the way I feel, particularly with Motocross because they don’t listen anyway & he’s clearly waiting for someone better to come along – so what’s the point. I say though, I only have one regret – which you all know – so I know that I gave it my all, just like the song from one of his favourite bands. He asks what it is, that I didn’t say I love you more, I say yes & he just suggests that I am more open with Motocross.

When Silverlining fucks up & says I shouldn’t be listening to some random guy on the chat app, I am certain this is when Noodle will reveal himself. I say “Aren’t we on the anonymous app?” & he just says yeah whoops wrong app… FUCK. I thought he’d totally say it was him then! I know it’s frustrating you guys not knowing, but imagine having these conversations for days being addicted to it but not knowing!

We keep chatting & get on the conversation of me being a rope bunny – but I say it’s not a sexual thing for me but when Noddy came to Switch with me & watched Ripples tie me & drip candle wax on me. Silverlining says “From a guys point of view, I would be so jealous. Especially if my rope skills weren’t as good as his. Even if it’s not sexual for you. It’s a sexual visual act. It would also make me useless type of thing.” Fuck I never thought of it like that! SHIT. However I did chat to Noddy at length about what he would see at Switch so he didn’t get jealous, yet he did… Men are just frustrating! Silverlinging says that even though he’s done some kinky stuff, he’d still freak out “If you told me you did a professional show, I’d shit my pants. Because all that will be going through that guys head is, she has this done by a professional” FUCK. I didn’t think of it like that either! He recommends that I stop talking about it with guys, especially if I am doing rope with some experienced. FUCK… (I mean I end up stopping going to rope all together because of how awkward things get with the play party people.)

Silverlining says that he’s on Noddy’s side for what he did to me. He says that he sent me that snapchat because I made him feel insecure & it came back to bite me, “He repaid you and showed you himself doing a sexual act on another. Subconsciously” Well that’s a bit fucked to be honest, but he does have a fucking point… OMG. I try to explain that Noddy begged to come, begged to watch. Silverlining just says that men are simple creatures “Feed our egos” for example I should feed Motocross’ ego about his money, it’s what he wants… FUCK does he? Silverlining just says to say that find it attractive that Motocross has money. I am no stranger to feeding a dudes ego, I mean I had to feed Noodle’s ego 24 fucking 7. So I know I have to feed a dudes ego, maybe I need to talk about how much money Motocross has? Seem more interested when he says he chartered a jet, rather than literally just saying to him “Man we live very different lives” Fuck I’m so confused.

I tell Silverlining about giving away my show ticket & he says “You gave your ticket away subconsciously because you didn’t want to be disappointed.” I say that it wasn’t subconscious, it was deliberate. I know I am going to be disappointed about not seeing Motocross at the show, so I deliberately gave away my ticket. He says that he’s surprised I can admit that. Well I did 100% know he was going to disappoint me, I didn’t realise to what extent but I knew that he would. He says I need to get him in a room & ask him questions, I say that I am going to do just that, get this guy in a room & find out what it is… However, when Motocross is at my house, it’s the night I am going to ask questions but his dad messages & says come home, so I never get the talk… FUCK…

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