I met this guy Pear online, he’s a little bit older than me & not entirely the type I like the look of, but I figured that my type isn’t going that well, so I should branch out. We chat for a bit & I tell him how I’ve been hanging at the beach a lot, he says he lives by the beach & he should bring me down a cheeky cider, we sort of arrange that we’ll catch up on Christmas eve on the beach, but we also don’t set anything in stone.

On the morning of Christmas eve he messages & asks what my plans are for the day, I say that I am in bed but am considering meeting this guy for a cheeky cider at the beach. (I’m trying to be cute here…) He says something like ‘oh have fun’ & that’s it, really? Does he think I’m talking about someone else? Get a sense of humor dude!

I delay writing back because I think he doesn’t get me & so I search for something else to do because I am so alone & thinking heavily about Noodle, so I think fuck it. I message back Pear & ask him when he’s free, he says he’s free now, so I say give me 30 minutes & I’ll be there. I rub sunscreen on (thinking I’ll get him to do my back, might be kinda fun – everyone says to be tactile on a date) & put on my bikini & shorts, then head out the door. I ask him if he wants a chair & my umbrella & he says yes.

I see him as I’m parking, he is sitting at the table with nothing but a small 6 pack cooler bag, obviously the ciders. I get out my bag, the 2 chairs & the umbrella & walk over to him, he pretends not to see me until I’m basically standing on top of him, he gets up we kiss hello & hug, then we introduce ourselves. Hahaha. I did say I wasn’t sure if we knew each others names. Apparently I’m now even so open to dating people I don’t even know their names. WTF.

We head down to the sand, he doesn’t offer to carry anything that I have, yes I’m carrying my bag, 2 chairs (1 for him) & an umbrella – he has a 6 pack esky. We walk to the sand & set up camp. He at least sets up the umbrella by digging it into the sand. We sit & chat fairly easily. He offers me an apple or pear cider, so I ask for apple, but then I realise he’s brought Somersby ciders which is fucking disgusting, but I bite my tongue & await the disgusting taste. After I ask for apple, he says ‘I only brought pear’ ok, dude, why did you offer me apple? He profusely apologises saying he can run home & get one, but I say don’t worry. At least the pear Somersby isn’t as sweet as the apple.

I ask what kind of music he listens too, he says Fresh FM which is what I listen to too, so I put a mix on spotify & we just sit there chatting. The conversation kinda dies off & I end up just sunbaking but get so hot, that I say I’m going in the water. He says he’ll join me & for the first time in my life with someone I took off my singlet & wore just my bikini top & shorts into the water. Eek! I’m getting more confident! We swim for a bit, or basically just float around. I didn’t have a hair tie & didn’t want to get my hair wet because its very curly & will look like a mop. But I get drenched after a few bigger waves get me.

We get out & lay on the beach, he gets himself another drink but doesn’t offer me one. Maybe the whole pear/apple debacle put him off asking me. I lay down in the sun & almost fall asleep since we’re not talking & he’s not trying so I can’t be bothered. I fake that I have to be at a friends at 7:00 pm so I ask what the time is. It’s just after 6:00 pm so I think that works well. I don’t know how else to leave. I start getting dressed & pack up my stuff, he at least carries his chair back to the car for me (I’m not sure why that bothers me, I mean I can carry it all, but that’s not the point! I want a gentleman.)

We hug & kiss on the cheek goodbye but I don’t say anything about catching up again, I’m not sure I am keen anyway. I thought about Noodle a lot (I can’t believe how much I am thinking about him – he did the unforgivable to me.) & I almost fell asleep o the beach, I mean, that can’t be a good sign.Pear bleed heal the hurt.pngIt’s a 6 minute drive from the beach to my house, & I walk in the door to a message from him saying that he’s sorry he didn’t bring apple cider & that if there’s a next time he’ll bring apple & not to hate him. I don’t reply. I get a merry Christmas on Christmas day too, I don’t reply. I get another message the next day, I don’t know what to say. I always hated men playing the “chemistry” card with me, but since I have experienced that crazy crackling chemistry with someone, I don’t want anything less. I have been single so long because I won’t settle & now I have another element I won’t settle for. I want passion, fireworks & ‘can’t keep your hands off each other’ love.

I mean, I also didn’t ask him to put cream on my back, does that mean I would prefer to get sunburn than have Pear’s hands on me?

He messages me every day but I ignore for a while, until I’m at the beach with a friend & I tell him to come on down – mainly because I think she will be more suited to him, I tell her this & she tells me to invite him along. It takes him like 5 hours to reply but he responds saying he can’t see my umbrella. I’m like dude, we’re home already! He asks if I’m trying to palm him off to my friend, but gives me his phone number, so I have to be honest, I tell him that I didn’t feel the chemistry, he deletes me…

Another one bites the dust!



Fireman #2

The next week, I’m still talking to Fireman, I’ve met with Cowboy for the morning coffee & now Fireman is suggesting that I come over that afternoon, I do… Because I do like him & did like hanging out with him the other night, I was glad we didn’t have sex to be honest. I mean I need to have some self-control. This guy might not be a rebound, he could be a good guy, he could be a guy that I end up dating… I don’t need to jump into bed with him straight away – just because Noodle is having wild sex, doesn’t mean I have too… Wild sex might come eventually, but I just need to enjoy the dating part, the part I missed out with Noodle. The part I never got. The part I really like that I haven’t had in a while & when I have had, they are usually a douche. This guy isn’t a douche & seems interested even though we haven’t had sex.

We sit & chat, in his lounge room, watching some more tv, nothing exciting, we don’t have sex which is probably for the best as I said before but I am really enjoying hanging out with him & could potentially see myself liking this guy. He’s not that funny, but I think he could be funnier once I get to know him more?

I leave early in the afternoon as I have somewhere to go & this guy does live 90 minutes away from me. That sucks to be honest… But it is what it is. Fireman & I talk a lot, but I am studying Law, which I am not doing very well right now, let me tell you… I am having the crisis with Noodle – not eating, sleeping or studying. I don’t see Fireman again for basically two months, I mean during that time, Noodle has left his partner, she had a drug overdose & I’ve been fucking Crows, among other people.

When I do see Fireman again, he comes to my house. I am writing an essay & have to get it finished so I feel really rude but he was the one that insisted on coming over. I finish it terribly, asking his advice too. We decide to go to the movies, so we head on out. He drives in his hot car, it’s a lexus & it’s fucking nice! This would be hot car to fuck in… Hmmm, I must stop thinking about fucking in cars! When we get home to my house, we watch some more tv but he makes a move on me, kissing me & we go into my bedroom. We’re fooling around & when we go to have sex, Fireman can’t keep his dick hard & the sex isn’t very good. I mean he isn’t a great kisser, so I should have known!

This has been a few months, close to 5 months of build up (chatting & catching up) & he can’t even keep it hard?! Fuck my life! This is not what I need… A guy I am getting along with but no fucking chemistry in the bedroom! This is fucked. I feel like shit. Even worse, he jumps up & says that he has to go because it’s a long drive etc. I mean this guy could stay, but I can’t even be bothered asking him to stay at this point.

I have Crows, things are going well with him, I just didn’t want to fall into the trap of just fucking one guy, especially when I have no idea who is telling me the truth. I mean Fireman had told me he was broken up with his partner & living in separate rooms but recently moved out. I don’t know if I believe Crows story though, but who gives a fuck.

I don’t hear or see Fireman again, he leaves the groups on the chat app & I figure that I am not going to chase some dude that couldn’t keep it hard then ran away. Let me just state this – I have NO problem with a guy not staying hard during sex, but I DO have a problem with them jumping up & running away like they are embarrassed, what they don’t realise is that it makes the woman feel really ugly & shit. They can also still use their fingers & mouth if their cock isn’t working!

Crows & I had talked about the 3sum thing a bit that I had created a sort of joint online account (with his permission) to see if we can find another chick & another man to join us at some point. I avoid the website that Noodle was on with his partner, so I am on another site & who should pop up, but Fireman.

What a small place Adelaide is, I see Fireman view our profile & he starts a conversation with me. I didn’t screenshot it, I wish I did because I can’t remember what we said but he obviously got jealous because Crows had given me a ripped chest picture to put up & Fireman wasn’t that ripped, he was doing really well losing weight but he wasn’t anywhere near there yet.

I never see Fireman again after that. I am kind of sad that he just disappears because he was so fucking good to me when things ended with Noodle. I am not sure why this guy help me though something so terrible as a heartbreak, was there to support me & now just disappears. When I was a fucking mess, he was there, now I’m more together, he ghosts me? I mean is it because I’m not crazy that guys aren’t that interested in me?Fireman batchlor chatting to others.pngBecause this isn’t a long post, I will put you out of your misery on this seemingly nice guy (even though he ghosted me!) & tell you what happens rather than making a short post to keep this in the correct timeline followed by another short post in a few months’ time when I am up to date!

So about 12 months later, Fireman comes back onto the chat app & joins my group. I ignore his presence in the group. He finally private messages me after a few days, I’m surprised that it took him that long to be honest. He apologises for disappearing & that he hopes there is no hard feelings, “I was an asshole” I tell him that he was but I’m not that pathetic & that I’m surprised at how much effort he put in for a one night stand, I mean this guy helped me through some tough shit with the whole Noodle break up. He says that he didn’t want to ghost me but he was ashamed by his shithouse performance. I am flabbergasted, I mean did he really ghost me because he couldn’t stay hard? Fuck men are stupid. He also says that the distance was a killer, which I tell him that I went to his house more than he came to mine, so that’s just fucking dumb.

He then says “I felt like (& correct me if I’m wrong) you possible wanted more that I would have been willing to give also” I literally laugh out loud when I read that, is this guy kidding me? I remind him that I was completely fucked up at the time, he knew that, I talked of nothing but Noodle & how much I was in love with him still, I tell Fireman that I considered him a good friend to be able to tell him that stuff, I also remind him that he saw my profile with another man & then never spoke to me again too. How can he think I was falling for him? I tell him that what we had was exactly what I wanted, a actual friend who I could fuck. He tells me that he wanted the same & still considered me a good friend, he says that he wants to redeem himself & that he’s worked on himself over the last few months so is in a better place… I tell him that the distance is still the same but he says he has a new job so the distance isn’t so bad. I joke saying he could rub cream into my sunburnt back right now but he says he’s near Murray Bridge & suggests tomorrow night. I stupidly agree that he can come over after my family has gone at about 9:00 pm, to which he agrees. He tries to get me to come to his house & says I can sleep over but I say that if he wants to make it up to me, then he’ll come to mine. He agrees!

He says that he wants some pictures (what a fucking surprise!) I say that he doesn’t deserve them & he says “Daddy normally gets what he wants though” First of all, he’s not my daddy, second, I am not a little & will never call a man daddy. Master or Sir, yes (if they are my Dom) but never daddy. I tell him he is not my daddy & he says “Yet.” I literally laugh again, fucking never going to happen dude! I keep mentioning that the distance is a problem, he asks if I’m ever going to let that go. I tell him “All I said to you was that I wanted more sex… then you took that as I loved you & ran away…” He laughs & says it wasn’t like that. He seems so appreciative that I am even talking to him right now, I mean I must be so sad & desperate that I am chatting to this dude again… I also remind Fireman that there was even a time when he actually had to ask me to stop talking about Noodle because I never shut up about it with him, mainly because Fireman was my friend & was with me though the whole thing.

The following day he is supposed to meet about 9:00 pm at my house, but at 5:30 pm I get a message from him “Afternoon. Any chance we can raincheck tonight? I’ve only just got home from my course & I’m knackered. I’m free weds, thurs, fri if any of those suit you?” I read it & don’t reply, I mean really… FUCK I’m so stupid. I feel like such a wanker! (also it’s a Sunday, what course?!) He writes back again about 30 minutes later saying “Thanks for replying, I take it you’re no longer interested. Take care yourself & all the best.” Like really… I am so done with this guy – he hasn’t he even said the word sorry? “What did you expect me to say?! Yeah no worries Fireman, dick me around & lie to me some more so you can ghost me again?! I felt like a fuck wit for even giving you a second chance in the first place then you bail. Your message to raincheck just reiterated that should’ve trusted my gut… I wish you all the best & hope you can be honest in the future.” He replies “Was going to type a reply to that but I’m not one to be nasty. Thanks for the well wishes, likewise.” OMG what could he say to me that is nasty? I don’t even care. I read it, screenshot it for the blog & delete him.

About 6 months after that, I never hear from him again but I am chatting to my friend, she asks me if Fireman is who she thinks  it is, I tell her it is & she says that he was a mega douche to her too, when she didn’t want to see him about the same time he was trying to see me. I mean we weren’t exclusive (obviously I had a online account with Crows), so I’m not bothered about that, but shit men can be so horrible sometimes… (So can women, but this is my blog! Hahaha)


Christmas Party

Ok, so this story goes against what I do – a little, as it’s not a dating story per se, it’s not even about a man I’m dating, but just something odd that happened to me that I think I should talk about. This type of stuff doesn’t happen to me often, well this doesn’t ever happen to me. But woerd things do happen to me, this is just one of them!

It’s almost Christmas (post Noodle – skipping ahead a bit since you all wanted a post every day this week). I’ve been invited to a party of a colleague/friend at their house, I go with another colleague/friend. I ask the hostess if she wants any help with anything but she says no, so many times that I almost stop asking. But my forte is helping in the kitchen & I also don’t know a lot of people so I figure that hiding making canapés is a good idea.

Several canapés down, I’ve basically taken over in the kitchen, everyone is saying what a good job I am doing & they are all very thankful. This is just type of person I am, my sister organises a party but doesn’t always execute it, so I sometimes take over. Maybe that’s the Leo in me. I’m not sure, but there is something in me that wants me to take over, be the hostess & person doing everything.

As I walk around with platters of food, I am getting lots of compliments on the job I am doing. As a side note, I actually feel pretty good about the way I look too, I am wearing the white dress that Noodle was obsessed with (as well as every other guy on the chat app when it was my profile pic), my hair has perfectly curled tonight & I am wearing cute heels, to be honest, it’s a waste of my effort for this party – there don’t seem to be any single men here.

After a while, I kick off the shoes as I am walking food around & busy in the kitchen. A few men thank me for the work I am doing but one of the wives gets weird about it. I had barely talked to him but his wife later picked up my shoes, brought them to me & asked if she could put them on, I reluctantly said ok, being a bit weirded out about this, not really knowing what else to say, then she walked over to her husband & asked what he thought, then he asked to buy my dress & I look at him weirdly, & didn’t really think about my reply, when I said “So I’m just going to walk around in my underwear?” which he smiles & says that he’d buy that too… WTF? I kind of walk away feeling awkward as fuck, cleaning up the whole house of glasses, bottles & platters, as it was so weird, why was she wearing my shoes & why was he wanting my dress & underwear – it’s a cute dress but this is odd…

Christmas party drinking.png

Later in the night when the guy walks up to me to tell me to drink & stop cleaning, he puts his arm around me in a friendly manner to say ‘you’ve done a good job’ type thing, I didn’t feel like he was being sleezy, when I hear his name snapped, in that tone that says don’t fuck with me by his wife & I think holy fuck, he just said what a good job I was doing. Further into the night I am sitting down looking at my phone, trying to avoid her & him plus get my taxi app to work as I want to get the fuck out of here. When he comes up to me again, put his arm around me again, I ask him to leave me the fuck alone & he asks ‘Why, cos my wife might scratch your eyes out?” I’m like yeah so get away from me. He laughs but leaves me alone. If only he knew that I’ve dealt with one crazy wife this year, he’d know why I didn’t even want him near me.

To be honest with you, I don’t think he did anything to make her snap, so I wonder if there was a pre-existing issue there – like he’s cheated on her or something in the past, but I didn’t even show any signs of flirting or anything with him, as you all know I have major self-esteem issues so I honestly thought he was just being nice since I had waited on everyone all night & cleaned the house. It was awkward, even my friend said so.

However later in the night it happened to be the couple who hosted, my friend & the weird couple left waiting for cabs. She was so nice when the real hostess was saying how amazing I was & thanking me for helping out so much, the weirdo who wore my shoes was saying I was so beautiful & lovely… WTF? This is fucking weird, it’s almost 1:00 am, I want to go home. I am desperate for my ride to come or their taxi to come. When their taxi arrives, he comes up to say goodbye to me, I give him a half ass hug & I get a kiss on the cheek. -Just leave me alone dude!

I have to say that was one of the weirdest things to happen to me. I can only assume that there is some trust issues there, that I am unaware of & it made me think that that is what Noodle’s life will be like now, not they would ever go out to a random party like that, but he’d probably be drilled at every interaction with another woman.

Anyway because of the nature of the evening, I thought it deserved a blog post, not about dating as such, but just another weird thing I have to go though as a single reasonable looking chick, that’s just trying to be a good friend to a friend having a party!

So since then though, I have found out some more information! A little goss… I ask my friend about the couple & what their deal is & he starts laughing… That’s not a good sign! But he says that they are friends with them, but interestingly the story on how the couple met is slightly unusual too. They were brother & sister in law. How does that work? Well she was married to a guy & he was married to that guys sister… Are you following me? Something obviously happened & they left the brother & sister behind & got married themselves. So I guess that’s where her trust issues come into it. She obviously thinks that everyone is trying to steal her man. Well I can tell you right now, I’ve had enough married men to last me a lifetime!

A further few months after that Christmas party, I am at another function, in an amazing long narrow house, looking amazing in a long navy forever new dress when who should walk in, but this crazy brother & sister in law now couple. FUCK. One of my amazing friends does everything she can to ensure that we are at opposite ends of the house. However, standing outside overlooking the ocean, she comes up to us & knows my friend so says hello then looks at me & says “Oh I don’t know you. Oh maybe I do” & my friend sort of intercepts & we walk back inside… OMG. No more crazy, please!


Crows #2

Side Note: Welcome to my 250th post! Wow… I’m so thankful you are all still reading!

Why am I still fucking this married guy Crows, I will never know… But I am. I’m not attached but I am at a point where I don’t want to keep fucking random men who are bad in bed. I am so fucking hurt & angry from the recent events in my life. I almost had what I wanted, it was at the tip of my fingers & it slipped though… There is nothing more devastating than losing someone you still love.

Crows is hot, ripped & very good in bed. I know what I’m getting with this guy & it’s just sex. Good sex, so why not? The only time I don’t think about Noodle, is when this guy is fucking me, so why wouldn’t I use this distraction? He wants too, I want too. He says that he’s separated… Not my problem if he’s not. Definitely isn’t the first guy to lie to me & I doubt he’ll be the last… We talk most days but not all day long. I never want that again, I never want to get into another text relationship – I want to see the person, I don’t want to just chat online & fall in love then never get to see them. That was torture!

Another couple of weeks later, we hadn’t spoken for a few days, because you know me, I don’t message unless they message first. But also I don’t believe his story of being separated & while it’s not my problem, I don’t know if I want to get involved with another married guy or even just a guy with baggage. I get a message from him & he asks me if I’m still talking to him, I say of course. But I’m also not going to make the effort with this guy, I don’t want to make an effort with someone that has baggage…

When Crows & I catch up again, it’s at 1:30 am when he has just finished work – I think he works quite far away from me & I’m like 20 minutes past his house. So he has to go out of his way. This is also why I think his story is bullshit to be honest. I mean why can’t he meet me at normal time? I guess he’s just finished work & on his way home, I’m sort of awake when we’re messaging, so why not? I leave the door unlocked (like what the fuck #IBD4U, why do you do that?!) & I lay in bed but I fall asleep, which I tell him might happen but to wake me up, thus allowing this man to just crawl into my bed… Why do I keep doing that? It’s dark in my room & he slips into bed with me, I am sleepy as fuck.

I also don’t think I told you about my break up hair crisis properly, have I? I think we all have one of these to be honest – do something drastic with our hair. When I broke up with Boyfriend, I dyed my hair brown because he preferred it. While I was with Noodle the night I was going to do the naughty nurse thing but his partner got sent home from hospital, I put in stupid cheap clip in hair extensions. Obviously that didn’t happen but I sent him a picture and he said I looked hot as fuck, so I talked to my hairdresser about a payment plan & started paying off a set of proper extensions. Ironically, Noodle & I had broken up before he ever saw them & I had them put in the weekend after I got my keys back. So not a crazy cut or colour, just $600 worth of hair added to my own! I actually loved it & am trying to hard to grow my hair, but it’s blonde & snaps all the time… Hahaha.

So Crows was one of the first to see me with long hair, though he had only fucked me once with my just past my shoulder length hair, when he jumped into bed behind me he just cuddles me – spooning me, I for a split second think of Noodle & when he used to do that to me, I sort of don’t move or want to wake up, but I do snuggle into him. He kisses my neck & strokes my hair, which I fucking adore, he stokes it for a long time, so long that I wonder if we are going to fuck but I keep dozing in & out of sleep. The only reason I turn to face him is because I am scared he can feel the hair extensions against my scalp. We kiss a lot & he says that we don’t have to fuck if I’m too tired or sleepy. I tell him that I do want to fuck him, so we start kissing, we do it in the pitch darkness, probably the first time in a long time where I have had sex in the complete darkness – I usually have a candle burning which I always think it too romantic but didn’t like my overhead light on so recently bought a lamp for such occasions.

The sex is a bit clunky in the dark, to be honest, he goes down on me, which I have to say is some of the best head I’ve had in my life from this guy, then as he comes up to fuck me, we clunk teeth a bit & giggle. I grab a condom & he fucks me till he cums. He lays there for a little talking. I tell him he gives the best head & he seems surprised & says really. I’m like fuck yes dude that was amazing & he tells me that his wife doesn’t like it…WTF is wrong with her? & there you go, I don’t think they’re as separated as he says they are! But who doesn’t like having their pussy licked? I mean really? Apparently she thinks it’s dirty… OMG! I hope she doesn’t read this blog with the fricken dirty things I get up too! Hahaha.

When he says he should go, I agree, it’s almost 3:00 am & I’m fucking tired. But that was worth staying up for! I never thought I would find someone to make me forget Noodle, even if it’s just for an hour… I sleep blissfully, satisfied & happy, it’s the best sleep I’ve had in months & I am thankful for the good rogering I just had.

We chat a bit over the next week when he arranges to come over after work again, this time I am home from work & he finishes earlier so we meet at 4:30 pm. A more respectable time that makes me wonder if he really does have this separated relationship he talks about – maybe it is true? I don’t know & like I said, I just don’t care at this point. I just need to be fucked by someone that knows what they’re doing. I don’t want to add too many notches on my bed posts & I am not ready to date anyone, so this guy is a perfect rebound. He’s not looking for anything (as far as I know because he’s still living with his wife) & I certainly don’t want to be in anything yet. I am still holding out hope things will go to shit for Noodle & he’ll come back to me… I know, I know I’m dumb, you don’t need to tell me that! I am stupid & think it every day that I wake up thinking about Noodle. Like he was a complete douche but I fucking love him… I know some of you have said there is someone else out there for me, but it took me 36 years to find one man to love me… I don’t want to wait another 36 for my next chance. You all remember that my biggest fear was dying & never having been loved, now that I have been loved, which I thought would last forever once I found it. My biggest fear is now that I won’t find it again, that I had a completely life changing love & I won’t find it again? I know everyone says that I will find it again, but will I?

Crows revenge no revenge.png

Anyway, this is a Crows story! Poor guy, I get distracted even writing about Noodle! So Crows comes over & fucks me, I allow him to tie me to the x restraints on my bed & do all sorts of things to me. It’s not super kinky, mainly him edging me till I almost cum & then stopping… One of Noodles favourite games! Why do men find that so hot? It is because I call them a prick? Or because I get so frustrated & beg? Anyway we fuck for quite a while, I really enjoy my time with him, as I’m about to cum, he kisses me so deeply that I can barely breathe, it makes it so intense – especially since I’m tied up like a starfish unable to move. WOW. I really like that!

Crows & I actually talk about what other things we like to do, he wants a 3sum with another woman, what a fucking surprise & I tell him that I want a 3sum with another man, he tells me that if I set it up, he’ll definitely be keen. We also talk about going to a swingers play party together & I start looking into where we can actually do this in Adelaide. Turns out I know a lot more kinky people that I thought, because once I put it out there, I get a lot of offers & many suggestions about where to go, what ones are the best etc. I start to put a plan forward with Crows about how this will go down.

I even chat to a couple I know that I think would be interested in a 4sum, I mean this guy is hot, so there is definitely not going to be a problem for another woman, & the guy is a friend of mine, I may have mentioned before Holden. So I end up asking them if they are interested & we make a chat group on the chat app just the 4 of us. I think if Noodle is having 3sums & sex on his own with other women, the fuck him, I am going to fuck anything & everything, I’m going to try new things, be kinky as fuck… Not because I don’t love him or want him, but because I need to get over the fact that he chose her over me…


Noodle #54

At 10:30 pm I finally get a message from Noodle, I have stayed awake hoping that he will message me, he’s taken his keys again when he left, so I know that if I was asleep, he would of just come in. This will be his house now, I guess! He tells me that she’s pretty fucked & he feels really bad. He asks me how I am going, which surprises me, I just tell him that I have been trying to think about how I can make it easy on him, how I should take myself out of the equation. I just tell him that it’s hard for me to hear that he’s leaving or wants too but then she does something & he’s pulled back in. I get it, it’s been 11 years & they have 2 kids. But I want someone to want to be with me. “It’s fucking hard when she pulled something like tonight. I was fully prepared today. Think proved that too” WOW, he’s speaking in past tense with me. He did that with her today & she even said something to him about it. I am so hurt & so broken that I let him in here… “It’s manipulation that fucking works hardcore tho” Yeah I know Noodle & you’re falling for it. You fell for the open relationship/kinky shit & now you’re falling for more manipulation. I mean I know it’d be fucking hard to walk away from that, but even their families, would they really want them to be together?

I don’t get a message from him in the morning, so I message. He asks how I am, I mean, how am I? I am fucking broken & hurt. I just say that I am worried about him making a decision out of guilt. I tell him that I am in team planning & will check my phone all day. He says “Thanks, fuck your too good to me” I reply “I love you a lot & want to see you happy.” but he reads it & never replies. A few hours later, I message “Can I see you at some point tonight?” knowing that they will probably keep her in hospital a few days. He never reads it. Fucking prick

I am not really there at work, I am physically there, but I am constantly sneaking to the bath room to look at my chat app account. I don’t get notifications for the anonymous app but something tells me to check it. There are 11 messages… WTF? I’m not really chatting to anyone on there, who is messaging me… “Hey it’s Noodle. So I told my partner everything. She knows where you live but won’t do anything cos I got my stuff. I’m soooooo sorry. I had full intentions of leaving. & she knew that & that’s why she did what she did. I’m stupid & hate the fact I dragged you back in, I never wanted to use & had the intent of proper leaving which lead to the pill over dose. She will come for you if you contact me. I’m so sorry. It was a good yesterday tho. She had my phone so don’t message me.” WHAT THE FUCK ON SO MANY LEVELS! He’s been to my house & got his stuff? Like a thief on the night? Used his key, like he said he never would without me knowing? & taking an mentally ill patient to my house? Why is she out of hospital already anyway? What the fuck. What the actual factual fuck! “I seriously can’t believe this… I hate that you don’t even give me an opportunity to say goodbye & have been to my house without telling me… You made me such a fool! I hope your life with her is everything you dreamed of with me! I wish you believed in me more!” I am so gutted, but I don’t want to be the nuts one here, so fuck him. “She wouldn’t let me go alone. Thought it would be best you guys didn’t meet. Your not a fool. Just fucked up shit happened that I couldn’t do it. I believed in you & was 100% ready to leave her for you & yeah she tried to kill herself in front of me. Very confronting & emotional. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve done it out of pity & I’m dumb. I fully intended on leaving. Your not a fool.”

I am struggling to get out of work, my boss is trying to keep me there but I tell her there is some stuff going on & I have to leave at 5:00 pm. I need to make sure my house is ok. “I know it’s confronting but you’ve been manipulated & are going to regret your decision. I hate that you took her to my house. You always said you’d protect my identity…. & hate that you never give me a chance. I am a fool… The fact that you weren’t allowed to go alone or couldn’t wait till I got home & that she had your phone should be an indication of what your life is going to be like from now on…” & all I get back is, “Your not a fool” What a wanker. I am done replying.

I get home just after 6:00 pm, dying to know what has happened in my house. I check my letter box & there is a maccas receipt with a note in all capitals “DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN YOU HOME WRECKING WHORE.” Oh good! Thanks Noodle… His keys are under my mat, I pick them up & that kind of kills me a little. I go inside & all my house is the same however it feels different. The bags in the lounge room are gone, the bags in my bedroom are gone. There is a note on my frige note pad, “Love you – Noodle. So sorry” I send a picture of the note she left me in my letterbox to Noodle. Not even sure if he’s online or will check it. “Sorry… I did not know she did that. She knows we were in contact & in love. My intention was to leave, I’m so sorry to have fucked with you.” I am so angry, that all I want to do is drive to their house & do something I will probably regret. Instead I go to my friends house with a bottle of wine. I can’t be alone. “Can’t believe you took her to my house… I would’ve got your shit back to you…” I mean I don’t know how but he didn’t have to bring her to my house. There were other ways that could’ve happened. “How? She wanted to go tonight. She would of said worse stuff in person. She won’t do anything she promised” Oh right, I fucking believe someone who just tried to have a drug overdose is in a sane mind to promise not to do anything to me! “I trust her about as far as I can throw her Noodle. Did she go inside?! Does she know what I look like?” At least at this stage I know she still thinks my name is something else. “She doesn’t want me to leave her she won’t piss me off. No she didn’t, just sat in the car. Where did she leave that?” I tell him in the letterbox. He says that he feels bad & he’s sorry. I say take care & he says take care too. “Least we got a kiss goodbye.” I want to stab him! Fuck him…Noodle taken for granted foolI am at my friends house when I get a message on the chat app from a account Noodle only used for a few hours while his other account was blocked. I never want to see or hear from u again. U mean nothing to me, I just needed a place to stay. If u ever contact me again she knows where you live.” Right well first of all, I know that’s not Noodle. He never uses text speak. I am at my friends house & lucky for Noodle that I am because I was going to say I’m not sure why he’s messaging me now, when we’ve already said our goodbyes on the anonymous app… My friend tells me to take the high road “I’m sorry you feel that way… You should stop contacting me then… I loved having your kids with me yesterday & rocking your daughter to sleep twice & chatting to your son. I truly hope you are happy. xxx” I actually wish I said something different to that to be honest now, but anyway. I mean I should’ve said more… But fuck he’s lucky I’m so level headed sometimes. Now she also knows what I look like, as my profile picture is my face, he could’ve warned me she was going to message me. I would’ve changed my picture. She replies “Yeah it was nice. But I can’t. She means everything to me. & u were just a play thing.” Again I wish now that I said something different, but I chose to take the high road again “Well I know that’s not true, regardless of what you say… The last year with you has been amazing & what ever you say now won’t take that time we spent together away from me. I think you need to stop contacting me. I hope you’re happy. I love you. xxx” Fuck that took all my might not to be a nut case & cause shit… I am certain she doesn’t know everything! Especially if that’s the account she’s using to message me & I send a screen shot to him on the anonymous app & he says “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.” I mean fuck, he tells me not to contact him but she’s allowed to do whatever she likes to me?! Are you kidding? I am so fucking hurt right now… But I can’t cry. I go back to not sleeping or eating!

The next day I email him, I am so fucking furious right now, I don’t even care what she is capable of, I’m not scared of what she might do… I don’t know if she knows about the secret email account or not but I word it carefully in case she does. I also attach a screenshot the chat where he says goodbye to me, just in case she knows about the email & she’s the one to read it, not him. But here is the email I sent him…

“I know you messaged me on anonymous app & told me not to message you again cos she knows where I live now & has taken your phone but I don’t give a fuck anymore…

I am so angry you brought her to my house, you always promised me you’d protect my identity… What a joke Noodle. This is my forever home!!

Some best friend you turned out to be… Who does that?!

& as if she promised not to do anything, well you may trust her, but I sure as hell don’t…

I hate that you came to my house while I wasn’t here too, you also said you’d never do that. I would have made sure you got your stuff back, my sister could’ve met you or I could’ve taken it to you work, your mum/sister could’ve met me down the street… A million ways you could’ve got your stuff back without bringing her to my fucking house or either of you having to see me…

So gutless the way you say goodbye to me too, via the anonymous app… Can’t even stand up to your partner & say you need to see me to say a proper goodbye…

I believed you every time you’ve said you wanted to leave her, which was more times that you probably realise… So much so, I took the day off for you, held your baby all day & comforted you, gave you advice about her not being able to leave the state (again!). Learn your legal rights Noodle.

It’s not 1989 anymore!!

You said she knows everything but does she really know everything…

  • That we were together for 14 months – messaging every single day, every single second that she wasn’t around you,
  • that we kept in contact a lot while we were broken up,
  • that you considered me to be your girlfriend,
  • that we fucked at least once a week (usually more) for an entire year,
  • that we fell for each other really early on,
  • that I’ve been to your house a few times, once even just for a hug (that turned into a cheeky blow job!),
  • that we stopped using condoms after like 4 months,
  • that we talked about everything, not just sex,
  • that we had sex in your bed while she was in hospital after giving birth to your daughter,
  • that a few times you didn’t shower after fucking me & slept next to her with my cum on your cock,
  • that you had 4 chat app accounts & have been on anonymous app & chat app for over 5 years,
  • that you wanted to get me valentines day flowers but I was away for work,
  • that I had keys cut for you & you had them for about 8 months,
  • that you consider me to be your best friend & have wanted to maintain that friendship the whole time we’ve been apart,
  • that you wanted my panties & then used them to jerk off, sending me a video of you doing it,
  • that we videoed & took pics of a lot of our sexcapades,
  • that we had a threesome in January,
  • that our sex life was so comfortable, we were kinky from the 2nd fuck, not after 11 years,
  • that you saw me for lunch after we ended,
  • that our biggest fantasy was spending the whole night together & we almost did the night she was in hospital having your daughter,
  • that we went out for lunch dates & to the gym together,
  • that we had baths together,
  • that you used to park your car somewhere & I’d pick you up after you couldn’t fake your location,
  • that you used to fake your location,
  • that you’d pop in & fuck me on the way to work at like 5 or 6am & even came to see me that morning after you had to take her to hospital when she had those pains – pretending to be at the gym,
  • that you took days off work to spend with me,
  • that every Tues night you lied about what times you worked so you could spend more time with me,
  • that we bought each other Christmas presents,
  • that we fucked in your old store, including you fucking my ass & then another time with a USB cord tied around my wrists,
  • that we had sex so many times in fun spots, train station (you even looked up the train timetable), the car wash, side streets, gym, work… List goes on! &
  • that you said I love you first! Via the chat app & also in person…

But most of all, does she know that if she hadn’t taken those pills in front of you, that you’d be with me right now?!

I mean does she really know everything?!

Maybe show her this brief list of our relationship & she can see that I wasn’t just a “play thing”, as she said in her chat app message to me from your account!!

I honestly can’t believe she is a 30 yr old mother of 2 with the way she’s behaving. The attention seeking suicide attempt, the note in my letterbox, the chat app messages from your account & the text messages when she first found out (even if they were to the wrong number but she still tried to message me!).

I could’ve done so much to you to ruin everything for you & I still could fuck with her… But you know I won’t.

Would’ve been nice to have the same courtesy from you, instead of bringing her to my fucking house!! That’s seriously the worst thing anyone has ever done to me… I fucking hate that you did that Noodle.

You said you’re staying out of pity & it’s dumb, you’re gonna hate yourself so much for letting me go… When you realise what a big mistake you’ve made… Don’t bother contacting me if you haven’t moved out, cos you’re the boy who cried wolf & I don’t want to hear it…

You’ve made such a fool out of me…”

What do you know… Noodle never replies… Lucky this time I am angry, so I don’t even try to write to him again, begging for his attention. I am done. This is unforgivable.


Noodle #53

I write back “what?” Because I have no idea what the fuck is going on? I’m still asleep, am I dreaming? Is this a joke? Noodle wouldn’t joke about this… What the fuck is happening? I don’t get a reply as I am walking out the door for work so I send “I’m about to leave for work I am not leaving keys out to feel like a fool if you don’t end up using them…” (Even though I slip the keys under the mat.) I just have this feeling, that it’s not over. But what the fuck has happened? My heart is pounding in my chest…

I have been looking at my phone non stop for the last 45 minutes, trying to work out what the fuck is happening. Finally it beeps… “I’m leaving her for you. It’s over trust me. Having a fight, she wants me to take the kids.” Does he mean he doesn’t want to have the kids? “You can take the kids to my house you know…” He asks me what he should do. I can’t help but be a little excited but scared about this. Am I going to get what I want?! “If it’s over & she wants you to take the kids, then take them… You’re going to have this same fight forever if you stay.” He tells me that he’s dressing the kids now. I ask him if he wants me to stay home & he says “If you could please” I know that he wouldn’t ask me if he didn’t really need me… He’s not the type to show a vulnerable side. I turn around & go home, taking the day off work. Fuck he is going to be so messed up about this & while he says it’s over, I know it’s not…

“Fake sake she’s being a manipulative cunt about it. Gonna have to ring the cops I think. She told me to take the kids now she’s saying I’ll get done for kidnapping. She says I have to go to my parents with the kids. She knows I’m going to yours.” He tells me this is shit but he’s on his way, he just left. I tell him that I did leave my key out like a loser – so he knows, but I also ask him to turn off his location. He says “Haha it’s off trust me. That caused an argument. She’s threatening to kill herself now” I tell him to call the police to get her help but he rocks up at my house. He walks in & I haven’t seen this man in months. He walks in holding the baby who’s about 4 months old at this point & his son, who decides he won’t come in my house. I don’t blame the poor bugger, I mean he’s just witnessed god knows what at home & now he’s at a strangers house. Noodle hands me the baby & goes back outside to get his son to come in. It’s cold outside in June & I’ve got the heater on. Noodle gives me a peck on the lips & looks at his phone which is just buzzing with her name. He rejects the call & sets his son up with his iPad & a snack. I show his son where my toys for my nieces & nephews are, so that he might want to play with that stuff. Noodle is surpised by the the fact I have kids toys. I laugh, I never had kids like he thinks I do.

Fuck this day is going to be tough. I know it’s not over, they’ve just had a fight, that’s all… Once he goes home to drop off the kids, he’ll have to see her. She’ll beg him to stay & I just have a feeling this isn’t our time. But I am going to try & enjoy this for now, I have him here in my house. I have his kids at my house. Maybe they should all stay here tonight?

He constantly messages her all day, he barely ever puts down his phone. I get it, he’s been with this woman for over 10 years but here I am siting next to his son, with his baby on my lap while he does what he should’ve done at home. Talk to her about breaking up properly, ending it before coming to my house. I feel so used right now. He paces around my house & comes to get the baby when she cries for milk (Fuck. Watching him be a dad makes me fall in love with him a bit more, if that’s even possible!), I end up with the baby again & she falls asleep on me. He sits next to me finally & we hold hands. We talk a bit throughout the day but like I said he’s constantly texting her. He tells me she’s offering a 3sum with me, she’s also offering for him to see me as a polyamorous type relationship. I have nothing against people who are poly, however, there is no way that I am going to be in a poly relationship with a man who has a crazy 1st wife. She is being so irrational & I get it, I mean in my final moments with Noodle the first time, I was begging him to stay then telling him he’s an idiot. I understand she’s doing the same. But I hate that he’s come here when it is truly not over with her…

I, of course, ask what the fuck happened & he says that he forgot to block the friend on the chat app that he talks too & his partner got up to feed the baby in the morning & went through his phone & found everything. He says that he’d been chatting to her about how much he loves me & that he’s not over me, that he’s still talking to me & that he wants to see me again… She read all these messages, after having being told that he wasn’t in love with me, so she apparently woke him up with a punch in the face at 4:00 am. What the actual fuck. I say to him that he needs to go to the police but he refuses. I say “If you had punched her, do you know where you’d be right now?” but all he says is “I did cheat” like that makes it ok that this woman has previously used mirror shards & knives to try to stab him & now has punched him awake… I can’t even imagine what that is like for him. I hate that I don’t push him to go to the police or to get legal aid, like I said we would.

Noodle stops texting her so much, ignoring her calls that come every 3 minutes & looks at me & says “I love you” & I look at him into his eyes & say “I love you” we both smile but there is a sad look in his eyes. But he says “That’s the first time we’ve said that out loud, you know” I think it’s super cute that he knows that. I mean I know it’s the first time we’ve uttered those words in real life, but I didn’t think this douche guy realised that, nor did I think he’d say it. We link fingers & we sit there until he starts messaging her again, he leans forward, I think so I can’t see the messages. I slip my hand up his shirt & rub his back. I want him to know I am there for him, but I am feeling so stupid sitting here with his baby asleep in my arms. I am also having thoughts that I will be able to fuck this man all night tonight, which I am desperate to do now, but I think that his son will be a bit clingy if we went to my room, as he’s sitting so close to Noodle while playing on his iPad. But man I want to have sex with him & remind him what he has with me. Am I going to get everything I want today? Is it even possible? I mean Noodle keeps relaying some messages that she’s writing, she’s threatening to kill herself a few times & he just rolls his eyes. He paces a lot, I’m assuming that’s stress. He even asks me about the people I’ve fucked since him, I mean this isn’t a healthy conversation. I just want him to calm down.

He tells me that she’s begging him to bring the kids home, which he decides he wants to do. As he’s standing at my door, he says that he has stuff of his in the car. I don’t think he’s going to leave it here. I mean he’s so back & forth all day, he’s not moving in here like I really want him too… But he goes out to the car & brings in 4 shopping bags of stuff & says he doesn’t know where to put them – he doesn’t want to mess up my house. I say just in my room, he gets a couple of other things out of the car before he puts his daughter in the car then comes in to kiss me goodbye. He says “I’ll see you later on.” I watch him driving away & it hits me that I will never see him again!

I know that I won’t hear from him while he’s dropping the kids off & wait for him to tell me he’s on his way back. I dash around washing my long hair so he can see it, it’s up in a pony tail & was dirty, so I race to wash my hair & I am aware of not cleaning up the toys & maccas bag that Noodle had delivered because I don’t want him to think I am too clean. I do however find his 4 shopping bags in my spare room inside the door, I pick up each one & work out that 2 are clothes & 2 are full of computer stuff, so I put the bags of clothes in my bedroom – I contemplate putting them away in draws & then I put the 2 bags of computer & gaming consoles in my lounge room ready for him to connect to my tv. I wait & wait for him to message & the longer I wait, the more I know that something has happened & he is not going to leave her… So many things go through my mind, she’s violent, has she succeeded this time in hurting him, stabbing or something? I try not to let my imagination run away with me.

“She just OD ….” OH FUCK. I knew she was going to do something, but I didn’t think she would actually go through with trying to kill herself. He says that she took the pills as he walked in the door & said he was leaving her. He even says “She did it in front of my son!!!” I tell him that that’s not ok & she needs proper help. He says “WTF do I do #IBD4U. She actual did it.” He says he called an ambulance but it’s taking a long time to get there. He’s reluctant to call her parents, but I tell him that he has too, she needs someone at the hospital if he can’t be there. He’s mega pissed off his son saw everything, which I agree is fucked up. He doesn’t want to call her parents, he says that they will kill him. Well, I mean they already know something has happened, he told me she’s close with her dad & her parents have always hated him. He is so torn in his messages, says he doesn’t want her to be alone but is really worried about his son, being that he saw everything including the ambos taking away his mum after this weird day. He’s almost 5 so he’s going to know what’s going on. I keep telling him to call her parents, it’s been an hour & he’s still at home & hasn’t called her parents to let them know their daughter has been taken to hospital with a drug overdose. I even offer to babysit his kids for him, so he can sort this shit out, but he says he doesn’t want to be a jerk to her. I am just trying to help. I offer to go there just to help out, but he says no. He says “I’ve never felt so shitty in my entire life than those 20 mins on the phone.” I tell him that she just did it for attention, knowing that it would hit home for him with his childhood trauma… It’s a cry for help & she needs it. I really hope she gets it. I tell him that if she really wanted to do it, she wouldn’t have done it as he walked in the door, she waited till then because she knew that he would save her by calling the ambulance. She had played the game during the day telling him that she was going to do it & then stopped writing messages & ringing, then would start again calling him names for not caring about her.

Noodle fire that cannot die.png

He still hasn’t called her parents but his mum just text her to ask if she’s ok, she’d also been calling his mum all day that Noodle was at my house. He says that he’s been cleaning the baby bottles & feeding the animals (they have 2 dogs, 4 cats, a rabbit & 2 ducks – that I know of.) He just keeps saying “I don’t know what to do #IBD4U. This is so fucked” I ask if he means being with her or me or what he should do? “Well I can’t stay with her but yeah she has fucked with my head.” I had a feeling she would pull a stunt. It makes me realise that even if I was with Noodle, she would always be there, always causing some sort of drama. I am never going to have the life I want with him, ever.

He finally texts her dad & tells him she’s been taken to hospital almost 2 hours ago. I tell him that’s job one & he asks what job 2 is. I say pack their stuff & I tell him to come to my house. He tells me that her parents really hate him, they called & cracked the shits – as any parent would do. I ask if he wants to go to the hospital & he says “I do, she was my partner for 11 years. I still love her.” It pangs me to hear that, but I know that he is going to stay with her. I need to make peace with that. He feels trapped & this is just another stunt to make him stay. Who wants to be the asshole that leaves the chick that just tried to kill themselves?! He tells me though she always been crazy “She once got taken to hospital for a break down with 3 cop cars…I don’t even elaborate on that, I mean I want to know what the fuck that even means but I just say “She’s not crazy, she’s got a mental illness & needs help.” I tell him to pack the kids up & drop them at mine or at his parents, but he should go to the hospital. I mean I really don’t want him too, but I think he should go. He is still unsure if he should go or not. I tell him that part of me thinks he should go but her parents might not let him see him but the other part is that I want him to come to me. He says that he feels sick. I feel sick too. I tell him to come to my house but he says all his son’s stuff is at their house & he’s not sure if she’ll come home. He takes ages to reply to I ask what is happening, he says that his parents called & so did the hospital, she’s asked to see him. He realises that he’s left the baby formula on the table at my house. I offer to drop it off, I offer to go to the hospital & sit in the car while he’s in there. Then he says it “Just so you know. I never used you… I told her I was proper leaving when she took the pills.” Fuck, he’s going to stay with her… I knew this was going to happen & he did use me…

He tells me that her dad is messaging saying she’s begging for him to go to the hospital. At this point, it’s been like 3 hours & he’s still not there… I mean doesn’t that tell her something? I tell him I feel like a fool & he says as always, that I am not a fool. He’s says he’s left his stuff at my house & wants to come back to my house too. He says “I’m so fucking torn, Fuck this is so hard. I’m at the hospital now, so will get back to you later.” Fuck… I feel like such an idiot.


Noodle #52

I torture myself all week over thinking every thing I said or did, not sleeping or eating because I have hurt Noodle. I know he’s hurt me & you all think I’m stupid at this point, but I never wanted to hurt him – I never wanted to upset him, I don’t want him to think I have betrayed him… Again I know it’s stupid but I can’t help how I feel about this & him! I am in agony over what he’s done to me but I’m in more agony about hurting him… It’s not tit for tat. It wasn’t my intention.

I haven’t slept, so I draft him an email. Again I pour my heart out, telling him that I couldn’t keep away but maybe we shouldn’t chat on the chat app but via email. I tell him that I am sorry for telling his friend anything about him, but I explain that she’s been good for me. She told me things he’d said about me, which helped me because everyone around me is saying that Noodle didn’t love me,he was using me to boost his ego. He had talked to her & she didn’t know officially who I was until we ended, but he told her that he was in love with someone & wanted to leave his partner for me but just didn’t know how too.

I tell him that I don’t think he actually realises the depths of my feelings for him & how much I wanted him & his kids in my life. How much I thought about that… I explain that all the things he used against me as a reason not to be with me, about how clean my house is, how messy he is, but I was ready for my life to be turned upside down with him, I mean it already had been turned on it’s head!

I had at one point ages ago, told Noodle that I wouldn’t ever live with a guy again, that I would make him have his own house & we’d come together when we wanted… I explain in the email that yes I did once think that but I was so excited about the fact that Noodle was potentially going to be living with me one day! Even the mundane shit of “washing your clothes (then fucking on the washing machine), you playing video games (me sucking your cock when I got sick of it, hehehe), I even thought how you could park your car in the carport every night & I’d park on the street cos my car is a work car…” Wow I really thought about a lot of boring crap, as well as the kinky stuff!

I end the email “I want you to know that the only reason I am trying to cut so much contact with you, is not because I don’t love you or want to talk to you or don’t want you as my friend, but because I can’t keep telling you how much I love you or how I can help you to have a life with no lies which includes your kids…” It’s true, I can’t keep telling him how much I want him for him to have some excuse for why he doesn’t believe me thrown at me.

I check my emails daily & the junk box for a reply from him but nothing! FUCK… I guess one good thing, is that I am going to the gym like a maniac & not eating so I am losing a lot of weight! I draft another email to Noodle a few days later when I can’t sleep again, I can’t stop thinking about him. I say that either he hasn’t seen my email or decided not to reply. Well done him for being so strong, I wish I was. I used to think I was the stubborn one… But maybe I’m not! I don’t know why but I talk about really mundane things like me getting the hair extensions, that I have finished uni for the semester, that I am going to Coober Pedy for work this week, that I have been away for a funeral, also that I got the biggest whinger award at the gym awards night. But afterall, he is my best friend.

I tell him that his friend from the chat app asked about him last night & I said that I hadn’t heard from him. I ask him to talk to her because at least she knows the situation, even if he won’t talk to me, maybe she can help him.

I go to Coober Pedy for work & because a colleague got me so freaked out about going out when it’s dark that I basically finished work, went for a run then sat in my room, fucking bored out of my brains, thinking so much about the life I almost had! I end up breaking down in Coober Pedy & cry like a wanker, like uncontrollable, puffy eyes, unable to breathe crying. The type of crying, I NEVER do… The type of crying that you feel all over.

When I get a moment of clarity, I draft Noodle a final email a few days later, saying that it’s now been 2 weeks since I go the ‘k’ message from him. I haven’t tried to contact him on the chat app, just via email. I tell him that I knew this would be harder for me to let go of him that the other way around, I mean he has a family so isn’t alone like I am. I tell him that I will stop being clingy & that I truly hope that he has the life not that we dreamt we could’ve had together.

The morning I wake up on the couch with Max, my phone is going off… When I finally get to look at it, I know before I see it that it’s Noodle. “Because I’m a stubborn cunt refuse to message you cos of the way you pretty much said goodbye. Then I check my emails today (which I don’t do often cos it’s a secret account) & you’ve emailed me twice!! After fucking with me on the anonymous app & the chat app too. Man I feel like a dick for not checking my emails. You’ve been unlocked on the chat app the whole fucking time just so you know. I assume you not wanna talk to me & your super strong & not needy, but fuck I get you wrong sometimes.” FUCK. He also emails me telling me that he didn’t want to look like an idiot messaging me when I said good bye like I had. I mean really. I am glad that he is finally talking to me. I tell him that we really need to think about what we say to each other, so that’s why I emailed, I had time to think about what I wanted to say without having a little dig at him or him saying something shit to me. But the comment about me fucking with him on the apps yesterday? I mean what does he even mean!? “Yeah, even tho I said a whole heap of shit to you yesterday without knowing it’s you” What the fuck is he talking about? I ask that, he says “Your telling me you don’t have a 2nd chat app account?” WHAT?! I ask what the fuck he is talking about. “Ok well talking to a chick that seems to relate to our story a little too well…” He says that maybe it’s someone else I know. I don’t think anyone would do that. But I also I don’t think our story is uncommon. “I’m sure I’m not the only woman to be hurt by a married man.” He says this chick tried to get his partner to join the chat app groups – if he thought it was me, why would he give out her chat app account to me? If I was going to mess with her, I would do it as me! I wouldn’t get someone to do my dirty work nor would I use a fake account! He sends me a screenshot of the conversation, it’s all in text speak. I’m sure he should know I wouldn’t do that. Also he met her on the anonymous app which would be hard for anyone I know to work out who is who – I can usually tell when it’s Noodle.

He says “It was fucking odd. Didn’t think you would do it either so was like wtf. But it all points to you…” I tell him that I was out house hunting yesterday (for my investment property) so I wasn’t on the chat app, then he says “I chatted to you on the anonymous app yesterday the same time I was chatting to her too. Had time to chat on the anonymous app. I’m not stupid. lol” WHAT THE FUCK? So he was catfishing me on the app & now is blaming me for catfishing him & his partner… OMG! I feel like I am in high school!!! How dare he accuse me of doing it, when he’s doing it to me. He tells me that he also saw me on tinder & freaked out a bit, swiping no to me quickly.

Noodle stay in my heart but not my life

He realises that I have emailed him 3 times, not twice but one went to his junk (Why does that happen?!) which was the final goodbye one, which he says “FFS your annoying” I ask why “Cos I’ll only appear desperate & loser for so long before I give up altogether. I tried all fucking day. & You were like Nup. This is it. Goodbye for now.” Well it needed to be then he snapped about me talmng to his friend.

He says “I block you but stupidly unblock you everyday I get to work. For the last fucking 2 weeks too. So felt pretty dumb when I checked my email.” I feel pretty dumb too now that I never tried to contact him on the chat app, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to be ignored or have her find it either. I mean she has access to his phone all the time but he didn’t tell her where we really met, so she doesn’t know he was already on the chat app for 5 years prior to them joining with matching fucking user names.

He once even told me that she was too scared to have morning sex with him because he was too rough & now she’s asking him to choke her? I tell him that his partner must’ve read some of our messages or something because no one just changes that quickly! He says that she didn’t. Says that she knows nothing, she didn’t want an open relationship but he kind of encouraged it. She told him that she wouldn’t fuck anyone, then didn’t realise how much attention she’d get & so she did. He tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about his sex life with her, he just says that’s she more open sexually & doesn’t want to elaborate.

He says about me though “If you fuck someone every week. Message them every spare moment. & have long ass convos too. Your gonna fall in love with them. & I feel so dumb for letting it go so far & hurting you. I never ever neverrrrrrrr wanted to hurt you. Assumed I would always be fun. & I was the stupid fool falling for you. I fell way earlier than I let on. I was romantically interested in you by the 3rd fuck. Feelings within 2 months of sex. But the sex was so good. But you made it clear. You & your fake toughness. In the end your just a girly girl. With an actual heart.” I tell him that I got feelings for him pretty early on too, which is why I stopped fucking other people. He says “No way, Really? I just assumed cos guys were dicks” Again something else Noodle doesn’t believe me on… I mean when will this guy ever believe me?

He asks what I’ve done since him, I tell him minor details, he tells me that he hasn’t fucked anyone that he hasn’t been able to get anyone & I am a smug bitch, thinking sucked in. He says that he’s jealous of all the attention she’s getting & she’s sucked more than one cock since finding out about me. He says he gets offers on the chat app all the time, but really how many people would actually go through with it? I mean I got offers all the time too, but I had lots of guys fuck me around when you actually tried to set up the date, so I’m assuming that would happen with him for women too.

I ask if he’s talked to his friend from the chat app & he says that he has but has been blocking her when he gets home in case his partner wants to look at his chats. He tells me that within 20 minutes of joining groups on the chat app, I had text him – yeah of course dude, people told me he was back on there & was ignoring me & my texts. He asks who told me & starts cracking the shits when I won’t tell him. he acts like a child, saying “protect them obviously they mean more to you than me.” So I fucking cave & tell him, but reading back on this blog, I really wish I didn’t fucking say anything! He was a asshole to me & didn’t deserve to know who told me what. He says that he thinks he’s entitled to know who is talking about him, yet I’m certain his partner is talking about me & I don’t know it…

He tells me that his partner has already made a good friend on the chat app, who she has fucked & he is hoping that he’ll be able to see me again. Could I even do that? I did say that he should’ve swiped me on Tinder & met me with this open relationship thing. He says that I’d be stupid to fuck him again but he says “I would fuck you in a heartbeat if I could.” I tell him that we could pretend to be strangers, he’s told her my name is something else, he’s told her my real job but she also doesn’t know what I look like, so we could totally pull this off. We could legitimately see each other again. I miss the chemistry, it wouldn’t be a secret – would it be as hot? It wouldn’t be what I totally want, but at least it would be something. He asks if I would consider that & fuck I would… Why?! I’m so stupid!

The next morning at about 5:30 am I get a message from him says “Even my partner thinks it’s you.” I am finally sleeping & so don’t get it till later. Not this old chestnut. Like fuck, does this guy not know me at all? He sends me another screenshot of stuff this chick said & yeah look I can see why he might think it’s me, but he’s an asshole for thinking it’s me & why would he give out his partners chat name if he thought it was me? I tell him again, it’s not me & that our story is not uncommon, I mean since writing this blog, I have had so many women tell me that they have had a similar experience to my Noodle story. It’s also not uncommon for the man to choose the wife over the mistress, I think he’s just freaking out. I mean it’s an anonymous app, he told me he always knew it was me when I was on there so wouldn’t he already know it wasn’t me!? I try to get off this topic because what the fuck does this guy think of me really.

I tell him about the fact I’m house hunting & he calls me a rich bitch. I show him pictures of the hair extensions & he says they look amazing. He askes me if I’ve fucked 50 people already, because I look so good. He tells me that it’s his favourite picture of me, that I look so good without makeup. I tell him that I always put in effort when I saw him, putting on makeup & doing my hair. He says that he always did his hair & wore aftershave when he saw me too.

We talk about what we could do if we became friends with benefits. I know that I am just suggesting this stuff because I know if I can get Noodle alone with some more quality time, that I can show him what life would be like with me. He says that it scares him to fuck me again “I literally messaged you every spare second I had, saw you every moment I could cheat. I was madly in love with you. I’m scared that would happen again if I fucked you. Got insanely jealous that others wanted you, that you wanted to fuck others on the chat app. That shit ain’t healthy.” He tells me how pissed he was when I met Shark, how pissed he was that Holden wanted me too. I tell him that it’s not over for me, that I see a solution & we could use it, I even try to entice him by telling him that I want to wear the nurse costume he got me for Christmas.

He says “Just so you know, I’m not a good person. I struggle with empathy. I never cried or felt bad that I cheated on my partner. Or guilty. It’s kinda fucked up” This I already knew, I guess. The fact that he cheated for a fucking year & then treated me so badly, I know he isn’t a good person. I tell him that I never actually felt guilty either to be honest. I mean I wasn’t cheating, but I should’ve felt a little bad about fucking in her bed or at their house. But I never did. He tells me that she thinks he’s a psychopath… Why would someone stay with something they think is a psychopath? I say that I don’t think I could stay with him if he showed no remorse if he cheated on me, he says “I felt bad, but it didn’t upset me. I was more sad that I’d never see you again when it happened.” Awww, that is a little cute, but messed up!

We are back to chatting every day all day when he is at work. This is not good, but I am like an addict, can’t I just have one last hit & walk away? I wish I could, I am a strong, smart woman. Why can’t I walk away from this?

The next day I wake up at 7:15 am to a message from Noodle sent at 6:50 am. “Hey, can you leave some keys out. Everything has finally ended.” I sit bolt upright in bed… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?