Sorry about last week, I am really struggling to be inspired to write, which sucks. Something I loved doing is becoming a struggle. I will let you in on a little secret, by the end of 2021, the blog will be done! There are a few more stories I need to get out & some more fiction.
I have been reading my blog from the beginning & I have to say that it’s so funny how my writing style changed & my view point on things. Also my fiction, that is just hilarious to me now, I wrote that all before I was even messing around with kink & the chemistry I describe between the two main characters is that of what I felt with Noodle. I didn’t even know that would be a real feeling, but I hope that comes across if you’ve been reading the fiction story.
Anyway onto the blog for today, I’ll summarise because J-Lo #1 was so long ago. I will link to it so you can read also. I met J-Lo shortly after I started talking to Noodle the first time, we met online but never met, we talk every day. Even now 4 years later we still talk most days. He’s a good friend, someone I confide in, someone I overshare with – I often wondered why we aren’t together, he says he loves his partner, I was in love with Noodle, but I sometimes wonder if he could be the one to break that spell with Noodle…
The first time I ever meet J-Lo is after Noodle & I end for the second time. I can’t remember what was happening – things were mega shit at work, things were over with the love of my life, again, nothing was going right for me, so I don’t know exactly what shit was happening but I know I hadn’t showered for a few days (gross, I know but when you’re in a shitty place, sometimes you don’t take care of yourself) anyway these are thing things I share with J-Lo, stuff I never want to say out loud, I say to him things that I don’t think I could ever say out loud to someone, but I guess since we’ve never met I still have that level of protection.
So on this day I am unwashed, I am depressed, I am naked in a feral dressing gown – that is never my style of outfit for lounging around the house but here I am, we’re texting as we always do & J-lo has joked plenty of times about meeting, he knows where I live, he’s driven past before & because I’ve shown him pictures of my house he knows my house. So when I get a message saying “Knock knock” I just send back “hahahaha.” Not thinking anything I decide not to look at his next message & then I actually hear a knock at my door. I almost think I’m going to ignore it assuming that it’s some delivery so when I get a message from him saying “oi answer your door” I literally can’t believe that he has just rocked up, knowing I am unwashed & feeling like shit. But it’s fucking J-lo. Is he serious. My house is a fucking disaster, I have crap all over my couch from my recent online purchases & I haven’t cleaned in ages. This is the first time I am meeting this guy, a guy I’ve talked to for years, a guy who knows everything about what’s happened in my life & knows about my depressive state that I’m in.
He’s shorter than I pictured, even though he’s told me he’s short, it still catches me off guard, he’s about 5’6 or so, so not much taller than me, he’s cute, I will give him that, I know a lot about him & he knows a lot about me, so I’m surprised when he just comes in & sits down, knowing I am in my tragic dressing gown & I’m naked underneath.
I know he doesn’t want to cheat on his partner, while the idea seems great in theory, I know he will regret it. When he says that he’s surprised that I haven’t made a move, I am equally surprised that he doesn’t know me at all, I mean this is the first time we’ve met so I guess he hears the stories about me being sexy & confident, but I am really not. I am shy when I first meet men & I am never one to make a first move, I mean even with Noodle, I never really made a first move because when he walked in the door, we would not be able to keep our hands off one another. So I’ve never really had any experience making a move.
J-Lo is just as awkward, sitting there talking shit, then asking me to take my boob out… WTF. This is the most fucking awkward moment ever, I don’t want to, I know he doesn’t want to cheat & to be honest, I don’t want to be a mistress again – if a guys wants me, he needs to want me & only me not because his partner won’t fuck him… I guess I always felt if we met, we would both be single & we would meet for a proper date, I didn’t ever picture us meeting like this… This is not how I wanted it to go…
Against how I feel right now – I think perhaps this might make me feel better, when he says that he just wants to jerk off on me & I need to show him a boob, I do & he starts jerking off. I refuse to touch his dick… I end up getting a vibrator & let him jerk off over me as I writhe around squirming but knowing I am never going to cum, so I make some noises – lets be honest, I never fake it & I have no intensions of faking it but if I make some noises like I am enjoying this, he’ll cum & go. Which is exactly what happens. I clean up his cum from my stomach & he leaves, not even kissing me or hugging me. I hate myself instantly for allowing that to happen… Our conversation from that day forward is a little weird. I explain that I felt used & shit after our encounter & I make him work hard to keep the conversation going because I am in a shit place & don’t need to feel worse!
Months later I have had a friend & her 18 month old kid live with me & it’s not going well because of many reasons. Both of us aren’t working so we’re both home a lot – she keeps extending her maternity leave, she’s leaving her partner & while she owns 3 houses & has a job to return to, but she’s spending a lot of time trying to get money from centrelink. She’s not paying me rent – which I never asked for but she’s also not doing anything around the house, she tidied up the backyard & has helped when I got the puppies when they were small but her daughter keeps playing in their water bowl & so my friend takes the bowl away – so then my dogs don’t have fucking water… I always feel like I have to keep the dogs away from her & her daughter as one day I witness her daughter walk across my backyard with a fire poker & hit my dog with it… The 18 month old child isn’t told off at any point… That’s about the point I hate her living with me, I have puppies to train & I don’t need them scared of being hit.
Anyway things don’t get better & she moves out after 3 months, destroying over 20 years of friendship because she moves out like she is in a domestic violent situation with me, she gets a bunch of people to come over & get her stuff all in one day – where were these people when she needed a place to stay? She had sat down with me a few nights before to discuss the difficulties but had already decided to leave so why not just leave without telling me that her uncle has said to her “no wonder she’s single. ”
I am devastated & sitting in my bedroom while my best friend moves her stuff out of my house when J-Lo says he’ll come over, but he stinks like a brewery. He had been calling me throughout the early hours of the morning when he was drunk & I was asleep. He says that he’ll come over & we can just cuddle – I don’t want to cuddle him. I know I will cry, I don’t want to cry. Things could not be more shit for me. I am fighting my ex employer, my best friend is talking to her uncle about me, then repeating his thoughts about how shit I am to live with – something I already feared, but have now had that voiced by a fucking uncle that doesn’t know me at all & while I am still regularly seeing Marvel, I don’t have him the way I want him nor does he talk to me like we used too…
So when J-Lo rocks up much to my protests, he walks in the door & hugs me & I instantly start crying, trying to hold it back – he doesn’t get it. This guy isn’t my partner, while he’s a friend, this is only the second time we’ve met & I don’t want to be sooked up by someone who isn’t going to be there for me. It made sense that day but now writing it down, it seems a bit stupid – I mean how is it any different to a girl friend coming over to console me. But anyway I didn’t want this, so when he suggests we lie down, I just want to hide my face & hide the fact that I am crying. I don’t let it all out, I can’t in front of someone else.
Of course we both know it won’t just be a cuddle, but I am not going to have sex with him, but he runs his hands all over me, it’s been a long time since someone just explored my body with their hands. He ends up turning me on enough that I let him go down on me, something his partner doesn’t do & as soon as I’ve cum, he doesn’t hang around long.
Again this causes our friendship to be more strained & it’s not what I need right now… The next & last time I see J-Lo we do have sex – I don’t really remember how or why it happens but afterwards he doesn’t speak to me for 2 days. After this sexual encounter which isn’t epic, it’s good but not off the charts, I tell him that I am never having sex with him again & I think he knows why. Again, I always thought that if I did anything sexual or met J-Lo it would be because he is single. That he wants to date me. But he constantly tells me how much he loves his partner & that he’s never going to leave her – not this old chestnut. I tell him that he should stay with his partner, that Marvel was right not to leave his wife for me, because apparently it’s no wonder I’m single…