Month: Aug 2020

So even though he’s just said goodbye, left like an asshole, he comes back online around 10:30 pm & says sorry “Anyway sorry for calling your interests lame and the stuff your into. I’m into lame stuff and I freely admit it with you now , and that makes me the biggest loser of all.”  I see them on my watch but refuse to click on them & then about 30 minutes later I get “Anyway , love you x”  Fuck he makes me melt so easily… I know why he does this type of thing though & of course it pisses me off, but I get why he does it. He doesn’t think he is good enough for me, he never has. He thinks I am this super cool, awesome chick that would never be into a geek like him. This is about his insecurities, not about me, it’s not easy for me to understand this because I am the same, I push people away when I think they are getting too close. I know most guys I have dated haven’t always put in a lot of effort but after writing this blog, I wonder if I push people away & Silverlining was the only one that made so much effort to keep me in his life? I don’t blame myself for everything that’s happened, but I’m sure that I am part of the reason why I am still single…

I wake up to a good morning message also, which makes me smile, I thought he would be too stubborn to message me late at night & also first thing in the morning without me even reading his messages & replying. I tell him I am going for a jog though it’s hot as fuck in Queensland, he tells me it’s cold in Adelaide & we’re talking so cordial that I think what the fuck is happening here… I apologise for missing his messages & say that I love him too, even when he’s a wanker. He tells me I didn’t need to apologise, but I know he needs the reassurance just as much as I do. He of course knows that I like his douche side but I didn’t think he’d leave without saying good bye “We said our goodbyes. In person. In messages. And in email. I sat on a car and said goodbye to you” Ok so he’s talking about when it ended the first time, not last night which is what I am talking about. But also, he thinks we got to say goodbye in person? I mean when he met me to give me my keys back in the car, he messaged me right after & said that didn’t finished. Also when we were at my house with all his stuff here, he said see ya soon, because he was dropping the kids off then coming back here, but I never saw him again because he fucking snuck in & took all his stuff back like a thief in the night. Does he not remember it the same way I do?

But he says he’s a dick & I know he’s a softie when it comes to me, I mean I wasn’t replying & he still came back online & said that he loved me & which he says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about because he’s being a dick. He also has to delete the app when he gets home because she still looks through his phone so he doesn’t have the chat anymore, but I do! Hahaha. I screenshot it & circle the ‘Anyway , love you x’ & write on the screenshot ‘love you too xxx’. I tell him that he’s super cute, I mean the man sent me messages every 30 minutes even though I was being stubborn & not replying or reading them

He tells me that the chat app might be shutting down, which we’ve heard a million times, but I wonder what we will do if it does shut down? I hate the anon app as I don’t get notifications anymore & that pisses me off. But I’m sure we’ll find some way to communicate.

He asks me when I am back in Adelaide & I tell him it’s tomorrow, “Nice , you still on to see me Thursday?”  I literally laugh out loud. I have this idea to wear the nurse outfit he bought me for Christmas & the trench coat, 2 fantasies in one. I want desperately to wear it for him since he bought it for me & I want to see his eyes pop when he sees me wear it too, so I reply that a local health care person may need to make a house call & I think he understands what I am going to do. I know that when I arrive at his house, I will be shaking like a leaf, but I can’t wait to live out this fantasy with him. I know he’s at work late, it’s Tuesday night, our usual night we used to meet, so I send some pictures of the sexy lingerie that I bought today in Brisbane. He says all the right things, like how hot I look, that I look pretty, that I’m so sexy & if you follow my facebook page you’ll know that the words of affirmation are my love language, which I didn’t know but it make sense to be honest, I mean I love when he tells me how much he wants to fuck me or kiss me or hug me. When he says pretty though, it sounds so weird coming from him & he says that I have gotten prettier & my body is hotter than before “You looked so pretty at my house the other day” We say goodnight & our usual love you’s. Just as I am about to turn off my computer & go to sleep, he is back online because he’s home & she’s asleep. He tells me again that this isn’t healthy, yet he doesn’t try to stop it & often says I love you first with a kiss.  We talk for ages about tv shows we watched as a kid, what I am watching on my computer. It’s all normal conversation & conversation that I desire with him, conversation that I have missed so much! He talks a little about his family too, his brother & how his parents split weeks after he was born, his mum was young & so was his dad. It’s really nice to have this type of conversation with him. But it’s super late, I don’t want to say goodnight so I keep chatting even though my eyes are basically closing. He says it’s time for bed & he goes with the usual I love you & kisses. FUCK

 

I wake up to my usual good morning message which makes me fucking smile the second I wake up, he says that he’s tired & had to drop his kids off & his son had a fight with him over wearing socks… I say that kids have their own personality & people often forget that. He says “Some people are smart and don’t have kids” Yeah the reason I don’t want kids of my own is because they have a right to not want to put on their socks, some days I don’t want to do things but it’s just I’m too old now to chuck a tantrum about it. He says it surprises him that I’d be interested in a man who has kids & he tells me that I’d probably make a really good mum. I know I would & if it happened when I was younger I would have loved it, but because it never did, I became more & more stubborn & didn’t want to change my life to become a mum. He says again to me that if he lost his kids he would want one with the nest woman, but I am past my use by date… I mean I can still have children & I tell him again that I would’ve had kids with him… It makes me wonder though, again… If I wasn’t so adamant about saying that I didn’t want kids, would he have taken the leap with me when the threat of losing his kids came up? It makes me wish that I just kept my mouth shut about what I wanted, because I would have had kids with him & the thing that fucks me off now, is that this is the first & only time in my life that I have thought about kids. I don’t regret tying my tubes but I feel a weird pang that makes me wish I didn’t do it. To get off this topic because it makes me quite sad, there are always if only’s but this is a big one! Would things be different if I had of wanted kids?! Fuck I really hate this what if. Anyway to get us off this topic, I send him pictures of my ass & he says that he needs more than that to make him hard, so I find the picture of me with cum on my face & some other sexy pictures which make he hard instantly & he says that I win. I board my plane, saying goodbye to my friend & goodbye to Queensland, saying I love you to him & switching off my phone. The whole flight I think of nothing but having his child. FUCK. This is not something I ever expected to think about. Oddly, if it’s possible, I still don’t want a child of my own, but if he wanted one & was with me, I would find a way to have one…

I touch down & as we’re taxing to the airport, I log on & tell him I am home because I hate not being able to talk to him when he is available – he’ll be home soon & log off for a few hours before she goes to bed. During our welcome home conversation he asks if Motocross came to see me. I laugh out loud & say that we both knew he wasn’t coming, also weird that Silverlining waited the entire week to ask. Also if Motocross did come, then I wouldn’t have been messaging as much. I had made a decision before I left for Brisbane that if Motocross did come that I would stop fucking Silverlining. But in actual fact, I never see Motocross again, so technically I am only fucking one of them at a time. We start having a chat about my failed attempts at relationships & he says that I need to not be so guarded, well the one guy that I did let in & told everything too hurt me, so I am more reserved than ever before. He told me as as a stranger than I’m a lonely loser going to bed by myself every night, so I can only assume he means it & that’s what he really thinks. I mean it’s probably true at this point. At 38 only one man has every loved me & all the others have used me fore whatever reason was convenient for them. Silverling says goodbye because he’s almost home, I say have a good night & love you. He says see you tomorrow & that he loves me too.

He doesn’t come back online tonight, which sends my head into overdriving thinking about them having sex, however I am asleep early because traveling makes me tired. I am not going to dwell on any of that shit now about me being a loser, him being with her, him having sex with her… I focus on the fact that I get to see him tomorrow, I get to kiss him & touch him, be with him, cuddle him, talk to him face to face & I am definitely going to be the sexiest bitch he’s ever seen when he opens the door.

#IBD4U

I start chatting to Silverlining as Marvel on the chat app, I can now get notifications. Only his name isn’t Marvel on the chat app, it’s something that I hate. Another man I was reasonably involved with actually used the same name & actually I used the name as his pseudonym in my blog. I tell him I feel so special after 28 days that he came to find me & I also ask why he is using that name & he says that it was deliberate that he took a chance that I wouldn’t chat to someone with that name, plus he says that people are already calling him by this name… OH FUCK, of course they are!

I don’t know why but I want him back in my group, I ask him to join if he wants & he tells me I’m cute before I say that I am not. Hahahaha… He goes offline saying  “Chat again soon loser. Luv ya” I say Luv ya too & he’s gone.

The next day I wake up to just one message & so I reply good morning & ask how he is, he asks if everything is ok but I don’t understand what he means, he says that I don’t usually say good morning. I laugh because I am usually walking up to 50 messages that I don’t even think to say good morning. He asks if I want a rant, I say that his rants are fucking cute as fuck usually, but I don’t want him to have a rant at me every day but I do like when I get more than one message every day. He then says “Oh I got a question for you. Who’s more stubborn ? Me or you ?” Well that’s an interesting question… We both are fucking stubborn, when we broke up the first time I was so stubborn but then I cracked & reached out to him. I know he thinks I’d moved on so he was stubborn & refused to message me to see how I am… I say that I think I am the most stubborn but ask him who he thinks “I do fucking give in before you usually … I’m pretty fucking stubborn person tho.”  I mean we’re probably as stubborn as each other, but out banter & bickering makes us hotter so  one of us usually give in before it gets too far & usually it results in some hot sex.

While I’m away in Brisbane, we chat a lot, but not all of it is worthy of a blog & in the interested in speeding things along, I will just try to give you some highlights… Though it’s so hard to not give you almost word for word conversations! Hahaha

We talk about Rope & how everyone hates me now & that I am not going anymore, which he just pays me out about – Which fucks me off because of his partner paying out his likes & hobbies. I snap & tell him that he’s fucking judgemental. He then asks why I talk to him if he’s such a prick to me 50% of the time. I say that I’m not entirely sure. He tells me that I’m super cool & I snap saying that I never said I was cool. He’s the one that always gave me that title then used it against me as a reason not to be with me.

We talk about the boundaries he tried to set of only talking once a week, yeah that is going well! Hahaha. I’m reminded that there aren’t that many opportunities to see him, once I’m back at work, once he’s not at work, then it’ll be harder & harder to find a time we can see each other. He also doesn’t go to the gym at night anymore, he goes early in the mornings now. He says that he might set up some interviews or something, but I ask how he’s going to do that with the Apple stalker app. I’m sure that if he says he’s got an interview, then she’ll be watching like a Hawkeye where he is. He says that he’ll work something out & asks why I fuck him so good but also says we probably shouldn’t keep fucking… Well what a contradiction. I say that I wasn’t sure we were going to fuck the first time & he says “Really? Your pussy told a different story.” FUCK “My pussy is no indication of what my brain is saying… You should know I’m like a guy… Thinking with my dick. Which is constantly hard.” He says something about me wearing a trench coast next time when I say that I will mix it up for him. I don’t tell him that I bought a trench coat which still has the tags on, that I bought with the idea of a fantasy with Abs & also talked to Holden about the same fantasy… Could I do it with Silverlining? Finally? The one I wanted to do this fantasy with? I just always think I will have all the time in the world with Silverlining to do everything sexual that my brain thinks up. “You’re about to go offline & I’m going out for dinner… So tell me you love me Silverlining & send me a cute emoji before you go then you may get the trench coat fantasy you’re looking for…” I say goodbye early because I am going out for dinner & am not going to be looking at my phone to reply to his every message, he sends me a pig emoji because he’s a twat but he says that he loves me. I write that I love him too & can’t wait to ride his cock again.

Later that night I send him a picture of my granny undies I bought in Queensland to go with my new dress so I don’t have panty lines. “Sill look sexy in granny undies lol. That a hot pic btw. Why do you tease me with pics that make me want to fuck you? PS look how small your tummy is these days.”  I love that he thinks I am skinnier. I mean I am, the stressors in my life due to work are causing me to basically have an eating disorder, it’s fucked…. He tells me that he doesn’t think I am skinny & doesn’t want me skinny “You are beautiful and proper curvy , not fat curvy. And you have no gut at all these days.” We end up sexting & Silverlining sends me a picture of how hard his cock is, we all know what I would do if I was there with him & he says “Fuck you #IBD4U” I start calling him baby as a joke but he says it’s super cute that I am calling him Baby. It’s late at night so we say goodnight “Fucking love you heaps” I tell him that I love him too & his response makes me gasp “I missed my best friend so much” I stare at that for ages “So fucking much” FUUUUCCCKKKK…. I tell him I missed him too, I fucking did, so fucking much, I hated not being able to tell him things, I just never thought he felt the same way or that he would ever admit it to me like this…

I wake up to 6 messages over the course of 30 minutes “Morning #IBD4U. How are you today ? I hope you have a fantastic day today. How’s the weather? What are you hobbies and interests? What music are you into?”  I literally laugh my head off at his multiple messages, I send him a picture of me in bed in my Pj’s – I figure I need to wear pjs at my friends house “Fuck you have a good body these days. How are you single again?” Yeah I also wonder that too & why he didn’t want me all the time if he thinks I look so good. I know it’s not all about looks, but surely, if you found your other half – your best friend, wouldn’t you want that forever?! I lift my top & send a picture asking how much he wants to cum on my tits, which he tells me off for making him hard at school drop off, I tell him to stop looking at his phone while dropping the kids off “See I have an issue. Fucking addicted to your sexy ass. And stomach and tits. Your tummy is so tiny these days I want to cum on that too” We talk about how apparently easy I am not make cum, but I don’t usually cum that easily with other guys, this is about our chemistry & passion & how much I love him. I remind him that his partner took 10 years to cum with him. He tells me that she doesn’t cum often with him, rarely squirts & it’s fucking hard work to make her cum… I now believe that you can cum easily if you truly have that passion with someone. I snap at him because he overshared how kinky she was when we ended, “I was madly in love with you & you kept telling me shit. No wonder I fucked so many men” I tell him that him telling me all that stuff hurt me deeply & he says that it wasn’t meant to hurt me & he really didn’t realise how much I loved him. We start having a fight as I am getting ready to go to the Gold Coast for lunch with my friend. I am fucking angry now… He keeps saying he thought I was over him & I just hate him for telling me all that stuff about his partner & all the things she did for him, which was all a fucking lie… She did it once & then never again – just as I predicted…

At this point, I realise that if we didn’t meet as strangers on the anon app, we wouldn’t have ever chatted again, we’re both too stubborn & thought we hurt each other too bad to start something up again. I doubt if I knew it was him from the beginning that I would of chatted to him or told him that I loved him this time around…

We fight more about how lame he says I am for going to swingers parties & going to rope, not this old chestnut. I hate that he calls me lame all the time. He then genuinely asks me if I think he would like Switch, as one of his best friends, he asks what I think. Of course I know he would hate it, he would be self-conscious & hate it but I say that if he went with me, he would find himself enjoying it a little if he treid. I also say that I think he would hate concerts & things too because of people bumping into him & stuff. I know he would like the concert but I think he would be a grumpy old man when someone spilt their drink on him. “Hmm. Your wrong on all levels. And that kinda disappoints me. No way would I enjoy Switch and I do enjoy concerts and the show”  The word ‘disappoint’ seriously kills me… I know this man so well in so many ways & I thought I knew most things about him, but him saying that word to me really fucking hurts that I don’t know him like I thought I did!

He doesn’t let it go, he just keeps saying how shit & lame Switch is, that he’d hate it & I end up just saying that he’s being judgemental, but he says that he’s just being honest. I mean how can you have an honest opinion about something you’ve never been too? I say that he could just say it’s not my thing & leave it at that, but he doesn’t. He just keeps going & going until I just agree & says “It’s lame. We’re all lame. I get it. Just let it go”  he replies “Fuck I’m a prick. I’m off. Chat later” He logs off & I am seething… He’s a fucking wanker!

#IBD4U

So I forgot about my post on Friday, I’m so sorry for being tardy with my blog. I am thankful for those who noticed I didn’t post, it wasn’t intentional I had half written another story & never got to finish it. At the moment I am going through a lot personally – not dating related (Just so you’re not wondering! Hahaha), which is taking up too much space in my head. So I am going to cut out Sunday for a short time & only post on Tuesday & Fridays as of next week, while I get through this shit time. I have so much to say & so many stories to share, that I will reintroduce the Sunday moving forward when I am through this tough time… I hope you all understand! Thank you for sticking by me though!

So I’ve told Silverlining I’m not legitimately angry with him, & I guess I am not, despite what you all think but I have mixed feelings & have thoughts about what this means. I know he’s been online looking for chats from women for years, I know he didn’t mean to fall in love with me & I’m not sure how often that happens anyway, I’ve chatted to people for so long & not fallen in love so I think it’s not that common to truly fall for someone online. I guess the only reason this pisses me off, is because he has limited time online, limited time to chat to me, limited time to spend with me & he has been spending that time chatting to others too. Again I can’t really be upset about this, I chat online, hell I’ve even dated people while chatting to him but something niggles at me about this. But I try to move past it.

The people who think this is dumb of me or think Silverlining is a asshole (I don’t disagree with you, he is an asshole hahaha) but I want you to think about your partner, if you have one or a previous partner, are they or were they 100% perfect? No. I’m sure they aren’t. I definitely am not perfect nor do I make good decisions all the time, due to other factors, that is part of life. I cannot expect him to be perfect but I can accept the things he does & I believe that he is honest with me. I have to trust that this is real, or I am no better than his partner. I want to trust & love, I don’t want to be angry when I don’t know how much longer we’ll have together. We have to make choices in life & this is the one I am making, right or wrong, stupid or smart, I am willing to overlook things, just as I am sure you are overlooking things too.

He tells me that yesterday was the wettest he’s ever seen me & that it was so hot that I was struggling to not fuck him without a condom… Man oh man – I wanted to feel his skin on mine… I wanted that feeling, I know how it feels to fuck him without a condom & I want that feeling again… He says he’s a little fucked up that it was so hot watching how frustrated I was trying to stop myself from just fucking him without it. I would say it’s not fucked up, but pretty normal, I don’t know if there would be many guys that wouldn’t want the chick sitting on his lap in lingerie, to just fuck him without a condom while she’s struggling with the decision. He says that he’s pissed off he came in 30 seconds in my ass considering it was the second load of cum that day with me too… I say that it’s not unusual to cum in 30 seconds especially when fucking someone’s ass, but he reminds me of when he fucked my ass outside bent over my outdoor setting when he fucked my ass for ages… I did forget about that, but yes that happened & he did last a while even though he was outside & in my ass!  

Because it’s still niggling at me, & lets face it, this is me, this is the man I can be most honest with, that I need to know why he is on the anon app, is he or was he looking for another affair & just happened to get lucky & find me on the app, was he just looking for a root? “No I wasn’t looking for another affair. And no wasn’t planning on a root. I strictly joined the anon app for entertainment while I’m bored at work in my final months left. And joined the chat app the day I thought it was you , I had to find out … I wouldn’t of joined otherwise. I did not join looking for an affair or a root … I get enough sex as it is as my partner actually does make the effort to tell me how good I look and give me a lot of sex. I just have a fucking weakness for you. I literally wanted something to space time in work. And I thought what can I do to waste time at work and signed up for the anon app for chats. Thinking I couldn’t go back to the chat app. I was on the anon app for at least a month before talking to you and joining the chat app FYI.”  He also tells me that obviously he’s not gay so doesn’t chat to dudes – I mean I don’t chat to women either so I guess that’s fair. & that of course the common thing they talk about is sex – most guys talk about sex with me on the apps too. He also says that he wasn’t intending on fucking me again either. Yeah right! We both knew it would happen once we decided to meet again.

He admits he lied about joining the groups & says that we lied to each other for 3 weeks when we were pretending to be strangers (was only 2 weeks but I let that slide!) This is when he tells me about Cowboy’s mistress, lets call her Eggs & how she’s a dirty bitch, quite attractive & that she only sees Cowboy out of convenience. I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy, I know it’s ridiculous but I hate that I don’t have his whole attention. Ironically, I never did have all his attention, ever… The whole time we were together, he had a partner, a family & I know he chatted to other people back then too. Why do I care so much this time? He’s always going to want that validation from other women, he says his partner is better now but clearly it’s not enough for him or he wouldn’t be online for chats – even if it is to waste time while in his final months at work. I am not stupid enough to believe that we get everything from one person, I know that we don’t need others for whatever reason. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, which he say has nothing to do with his partner, but he is lazy & doesn’t make the effort, however he makes the effort with people online, he makes the effort because he doesn’t have to justify anything to his partner if he was to go out somewhere with a friend. This is why I believe that I will have some sort of open relationship when I do ever get a boyfriend.

SIlverlining offers up the chat app, allowing me to get notifications again, which I will be happy about because I am over checking this app 500 times a day for a message from him. I say goodbye for the evening as I am going to visit family in Brisbane when I get home he’s said good night & sent me a kiss. I realise that I never lied to him, so I message that to him, I was always myself when on the anon app, I just changed a few things like my job title so he didn’t identify it was me too easily. “I do love you but fuck, you make it hard to like you sometimes. We’re way too honest with each other & again, it hurts me”  I hate hearing about how much sex his partner gives him… She clearly thinks that the main reason why he cheated on her.

To my surprise Silverlining messages me later that night, he tells me that I didn’t lie to him but I wasn’t honest with him, he just says in a pleading way that it was bugging him who I was & so he signed up as he had to know. “It’s ok to hate me you know. I honestly don’t aim to be likeable. And don’t blame you for any harsh feelings you would have for me. I was 99%  myself the whole time btw” I get home late after getting lost in Brisbane, in a manual ute, so I am fired up & snap asking what I lied about & tell him that this type of message is exactly why I think I loved him more than he loves me!! I go to sleep with this horrible thought in my head…

I wake up later than usual to 10 messages “I didn’t say you lied. We both got caught up in something that was dishonest and yes I lied as part of that dishonesty because I just had to know it was you. I’m done defending myself, if you feel that  you loved me more , fuck it , keep thinking that , because no matter what I do you refuse to believe that I did , so what ever. I just want you to know one fucking thing. The chemistry we have doesn’t just happen because I wanted to fuck You. Or because I just wanted to Have some fucking affair with someone random women on the anon app and accidently bumped into you and fucked you. It happened because of our connection. It happens because I loved you more than anything, and it happens because I still fucking love you. You don’t look each other in the eyes the way we do based on the things like fucking lust. So I’m fucking done about it , because no matter what I say you don’t believe me , and you still question now.” I literally am smiling like a lunatic as his rant… Sleepily, I reply ”I wish I could cuddle you right now…”  He replies quickly as if he was waiting all morning since 6:30 am for me to wake up & reply, ready for a fight. “Pffft. Fuck you” I can’t believe his rant, it honestly tells me everything I needed to know, every doubt about his feelings for me are gone “You’re super cute when you’re trying to make a point… Like all sweary & I could just imagine your face you were pulling as you typed that out, how fast your fingers were working the keyboard…!” I just know that he was mega pissed off but his rant makes me realise how much he loves me still… “Pffft. You suck.” I know his so well, I hate how well I know him sometimes & I hate how much I doubted his feelings for me. “Thank you Silverlining. I do appreciate the rant… I never question our chemistry ever, I mean that shit is what got us in this mess in the first place. Now we’re in it again… It’s undeniable” I just want to hug him & have his strong arms around me. “I get all Angry and ranty and all you do is think it’s cute. FFS. And then thank me for it !”

You may not get it, but I know this man better than anyone else, I have never understood another human being the way I understand him (not all the time of course!) & I can read his messages & understand his tone & picture exactly what he is thinking. It wasn’t a test but I tell him that his response tells me more than he will ever know. “You’re fucking cute as fuck!” Fuck I love him & I am so glad that he loves me the same back, despite what will happen here, I know I am truly loved. I tell him that I am not normal – I know him well enough to know that this isn’t something I need to keep worrying about “Well one thing we can agree on , your not normal. It’s what makes you so fucking unique , interesting & sexy”  Fuck I want him… I am in QLD & all I want to do is hug this fucking man…

I ask why we fight so much & he seems to think that we don’t. I mean when we do it makes us horny & we just want to have sex. I don’t want to start another fight so I send pictures of the cute as fuck dress I just bought which I wore to Cocktails with #IBD4U (Story coming from that night soon!) he tells me I look sexy & we get onto the topic of sex again! Hahaha.

Later I ask if he is still chatting to the chick who he was friends with, I’m not sure I ever gave her a name, but she was the only one Silverlining ever talked too about me & she helped me a bit after he went offline too, I want him to have a friend to talk to about me, he say that he’s been chatting to her & that he told her he wasn’t going to fuck me & she laughed at him. He says he chatted to her on the second day he re-joined the chat app, I get a little annoyed & he senses it, telling me that he sees the chat app come up on my watch every time we’re together so I can’t be pissed, I get messages too. He tells me that he hasn’t sexted with anyone else but me. This makes me oddly happy… He asks if I am jealous & pissy about him chatting on the chat app & I tell him that it pisses me off hat he’s on there chatting to others when he only has limited time, that if he ever re-joined the app, he’s come find me because he wanted to speak to me… He tells me that he was staying away but he found me on the anon app…

He stops messaging me on the anon app & I get a message on the chat app from Marvel “Oi Bitch. I did come find you like a loser.”

#IBD4U

I met this guy online, I forget which site because it was many years ago, many years before I ever even fell in love. I remember that I was in home renovation mode (I have these phases quite often & am currently in another phase of renovations) But at this time I was spending my time painting my pond with special pond paint sealer stuff as the algae had taken it over & I was giving it a thorough clean. I had already cleaned it with my dad & then set about painting the pond.

I hate that when I owned this house with Boyfriend, I wanted to turn the pond back into a pond, the previous owners had filled it with dirt & put a fern in it, I always wanted to turn it back into a pond however Boyfriend always said it would be too much work to keep a pond. Well of course when we broke up, a few years later, I had some help & we dug out the fern, dug out the dirt & turned it back into a pond – which I do love. However Boyfriend was right, it is a fucking lot of work. Even though I have a filter on a timer in the pond to air-rate the water, the sun hits it in the morning causing algae to grow at rates I can’t keep up with, even with stuff for algae for ponds. He was right & I hate that, so I just try to power through the first time I am cleaning & painting the pond. I have done it again since too, it’s just a mammoth task & actually needs doing again really!

So while doing this task, I am online chatting because, let’s be honest here, I’m a loser & needed some company. Remember this is probably about 5 or 6 years ago, maybe even longer to be honest. So I chat & send pictures to people as I sit in the empty pond trying to get the coats of paint on before the sun sets.

So I am chatting to the guy we’ll call Pond & he is so keen to meet me – like too keen, like danger too keen type & keeps offering me help with the pond that I actually start to seriously consider it. I don’t really know what I am doing here sitting in a pond & I don’t really want to do it alone, so I ask what he would do if he was here. What a dumb fucking thing to say #IBD4U… Please roll your eyes at me, because I am!

When Pond replies that he wants to meet me naked (WTF?) I pretty much asked for that, didn’t I? But that’s not a surprise, he really starts pushing meeting naked. I flirt a little bit with this idea as a joke, until I realise that he is fucking serious! He wants to meet naked. He doesn’t let up on this idea. He says that he’ll come to my front door naked, I’ll open it naked for him & we’ll just have a date… Okay rightio… First I don’t have a house that you could walk to the door naked, not only do I have neighbours who look out their front window at every car that drives by, but my front door is exposed, not trees, no bushes, sensor lights, absolutely no way to be discreet at my house.

Later when I realise that this guy is really not joking about meeting naked to come help me paint my pond, I stop flirting & say that I am not interested in this idea. He then says that I don’t have to be naked, that he’ll just arrive at my door naked. So what he’ll be naked & I’ll be in clothes the whole date? WHAT THE FUCK…

Now let’s just also remember the time of my life that this story takes place, this is before Milky – who was a significant part of my sexual awakening, I am not a prude, by any means, however I wasn’t as open sexually back at this time. I had also never met anyone naked until Noodle, who comes along many years later & if you remember me telling that story, I already started having significant feelings for him, felt so safe & comfortable with him, yet I was shaking like a leaf that I almost feel out of my heels.

So this is a guy I don’t know at all, I hadn’t ever done anything like that before nor had I ever really thought about doing something like that with someone ever, let alone with a stranger. He keeps pushing it that we meet & he’ll be naked. I keep saying no & eventually snap telling him that I am sick of fuckboys & that I don’t have the energy for this kind of pressure bullshit from someone I don’t know. I mean would you meet someone for the first time naked for a date?!

He asks me if I am ok & I am not, if I remember correctly I had some family issues going on at this time too that which is why I snap at him that I am not going to meet him naked. He says “Do u want some company to talk to. No funny business”  & to be honest, while the offer is nice & sweet, I’m sure it’s not genuine. Nothing with anyone online is every genuine! I say no thanks & he says “Can’t win even when try the compassionate approach”  I honestly can’t believe how easily men turn when they don’t get their way. I just say that I don’t have the energy to dignify that with an answer. I believe I am allowed to not want to meet someone I don’t want too, not only has he been pushy so much so that I have stopped replying & also suggesting the most ridiculous way to meet someone. Or was I a prude here? Should I have done something different & met him naked?! What would you have done?

Over the course of the next 6 months, I get a regular “Hey” or “Hey u” message almost one every few weeks, which I ignore. I mean this guy was quite pushy (I wish I saved more of his messages but back then I wasn’t even writing the blog yet so I only have a few messages he sent me saved.) I ignore all his messages, but when I am back online dating about 6 months later in the next year, he sees my profile & starts messaging me on the chat app again.

I accidentally click on his messages so he sees that I’ve read them. Damn it! Which spurs him on:

You not talking hun?

Can we chat hun?

Please??? Don’t ignore me

 So how can I convince you? Fixed pond?

You gonna reply? Tried chatting to you on the dating app

Hey at least say hi

We did get along well …Errr? Did we?

Hey can u reply plz

Let’s go on a date

Can we

Don’t be ignorant

Hey I’m down your way… Coffee??

Hey wanna come over for a drink tonight. I’ll cook

No?

LOL why u not answering.

Well… Fuck me, all those messages were over the course of just one month, so not completely nuts like it seems seeing them all like that, because it wasn’t all in one day but it was pretty regular for a month or so, but the thing that I love about this is that I don’t reply to him ever & then I get “Don’t be ignorant.” How dare he. Why do people do that, harass someone then get grumpy when they don’t reply? I never asked for this & I’m apparently the one with the problem? Fuck I hate dating… I’m so surprised after this dude that I ever dated again or fell in love… Hahaha.

#IBD4U

For a while I am going to go off topic, well not off topic because all my stories are about dating, however, they won’t always be in chronological order for a while. You will get my whole story eventually but there is some method in my madness as always! Hahaha.

So during a time of dating, I meet someone online that I am not 100% attracted too, but this has been something that people have been telling me to do, date someone you’re not that into looks wise because they may have a great personality & maybe that’s where I am going wrong. I agree with this & attempt it. “Give him a go” comes to mind. URGH.

To be completely honest, even though he’s a similar age, I feel like I am out of his league, he looks bulky, he looks greying & pretty much like an older dad. So when we match, I don’t make too much effort, in fact we barely talk at all before he’s asking me on a date.

I don’t know why but when men suggest a coffee date especially with someone I don’t want to go on a date with, I say “I hate coffee” not only is this a fact but it’s also a way to explain that this is the worst date idea ever – I need alcohol for a date – I hate meeting new people. He persists & offers, wine, tea, soft drink, water… So as a wine enthusiast, I suggest a wine instead of coffee, he agrees & he is suggesting a date & time, of a Sunday afternoon in the middle of winter. I agree & he suggests a place that I’ve been on a few dates before.

Despite my better judgement, I say yes to this date after such minimal chat – this is unlike me to do this, unlike me to meet someone so quickly, with a gut instinct that I am not going to enjoy this at all, I arrange a date with this guy. I don’t know anything about this guy, what am I doing?

Days before the date, I have barely spoken to him & he hasn’t tried to talk to me, but on the day of the date he messages to confirm & he should know from the rate of my replies, that I am not into him? I feel sorry for him to be honest. I feel sorry for me for doing this to myself…

When the date comes, I am still not feeling it, I have a slight cough & think I should just cancel, I don’t know why I don’t but I feel too bad, so I just decide to go. I run late though, which is 100% unlike me to do that too, as I drive past the restaurant looking for a carpark, I see him sitting outside, my snap judgement is that I am still not interested but maybe he is a really great guy & we could even be friends.

I walk up to him at the restaurant, he isn’t like his picture at all, he is greyer, he is a little chubbier & my instant vibe is that he’s gay. I have great gaydar, so I will be surprised if I am wrong. He’s wearing a t-shirt with an unbuttoned shirt over the top, both short sleeved. He is also wearing shorts, it is the middle of winter but I guess he’s not cold. His whole outfit is sponsored by Billabong. I’m not judging because I am a brand whore however, you don’t wear everything in one brand all at once… That’s just weird?!  I don’t know what to wear & think about it a lot, usually a cute outfit with heels but I couldn’t be bothered, I put on a nice top, a skirt & my converse sneakers… Like wtf. Cute outfit but not first date type outfit. However it is just a casual coffee… So the outfit is ok, but neither of us are dressed weather appropriate.

We hug awkwardly as I walk up to him, he gets off the stool & he offers me a coffee. WTF? Didn’t I say I don’t drink coffee – that wasn’t a joke (even as a budding writer, I don’t like the smell & coffee breath… OMG.) So I say, “Aren’t we getting a wine?”  he seems flustered by this suggestion, like it was brand new to him. I know it’s 2:00 pm on a Sunday afternoon but we can have a wine.

At the bar, he says to the bartender, that we are going to have a wine. So has he talked to the bartender about coffees? Anyway he takes ages to pick a wine, I look at the list but just order the house shiraz, he looks for a long time & then settles on the house shiraz too. I think that took longer than it needed too.

We look around for somewhere to sit & he suggests outside. We are not dressed for the weather, I am in a skirt & bare legs however I agree & we sit outside on the stools he was at. I can’t decide which stool to sit on, the one directly next to him or the one that is one away so we can look at each other more, the table is like a wine barrel so I can’t really sit opposite. As I sit in the stool directly next to him, I am reminded of some guys on dates who have sat to close to me on dates & now I feel weird sitting next to him but I can’t move. I feel so awkward.

Something that disturbs me about this guy though is that he acts a little like my brother. So my brother does this thing with his fingers when he’s talking & has a bench or table in front of him, he taps the table with his fingers, leaving his palm on the surface he’ll drum his fingers when making a point. It kind of freaks me out a bit that this guys the same & has a few other mannerisms the same as my brother, I try to give him a chance & ignore this.

We talk fairly easily. I am going through a lot in my work life at this particular time that I even say to the guy that it’s probably not a good time to be meeting me as it’s all I can talk about. To his credit, he listens & asks questions engaging me & himself in the conversation that is not light hearted or good in any way. We talk about travel too, I am more general with countries I have been too saying things like “A bit of Europe, all of the UK, lived in Canada” keeping it very general – I have travelled to a lot more countries than that, but he lists every single country he has been too… OMG. Every. Single. Country. Was that amount of detail needed? Is this is actual conversation style & this boring or am I that boring that he has to fill like he has to fill the conversation with other topics besides my work. I think a little of both, because he also told me every single career he had too. dating back to when he was in school… Maybe I am fucking boring?! All of you wouldn’t still be reading if I was! Hahaha.

We have only one wine & we leave, hugging awkwardly goodbye. I am hoping he doesn’t ask to see me again & he doesn’t, because I would have stupidly said yes & then end it via text. I think he felt it too, so I don’t hear from him after the date. As I am about to drive home, I message J-lo & tell him that I hate dating, he asks why & I tell him that I went on a date that didn’t look like his pictures & acted like my brother, plus I think he might be gay.

A couple of days later, he says hey how are you? I write back that I am ok & ask how he is to which he replies that he is ok thanks. There’s nothing really exciting about that for the blog, is there?! Hahaha… So saucy! I just assume that he doesn’t want to keep the conversation going & hope it fades out.

Almost a week goes by & I haven’t heard from him but haven’t deleted him, when I get a message “Hey #IBD4U how was your weekend?” I don’t get a chance to even look at it all day however when I do open the app to look at the message there is also a picture of a women with a caption “Think I’ve got potential?” HOLD UP! WHAT??? Is he a crossdresser? Is he trans? What the fuck is this about… To be honest, he actually looks much better as a woman. I’m still not interested but he looks better. I don’t know how I feel about it to be honest.

First before you all jump down my throat, I am not at all fussed about him/her (Whatever they identify as) being a cross-dresser or transgender, even gay or bisexual, pansexual or whatever. I couldn’t care less what people chose to define themselves as, as you all know I am not into labels so don’t really care what people identify as. However, I feel like this is not the way to reveal this information to someone that you’ve been on one date with.

I get that this topic is not an easy topic to bring up with anyone, coming out to family & friends can cause a lot of anxiety & I’ve watched a close friend, lets call her Elle, who I met on the chat app who I’ve only known as transgender, I’ve watched her finally come out to everyone on Facebook & tell their child. I was and am extremely proud of her for her bravery, however I’ve only known her as transgender, I’ve only know her as one thing, no label will define who or what she is, but the only label I care about & that is that she is my friend.

So I don’t know how I feel about this, I mean I am on a dating site, with the transgender/gay setting turned off as this is not what I am looking for, I do not want someone without a penis or someone who will steal my clothes. I get that this is not a topic you want to talk about openly with a prospective date, however, do you just blindside them with a photo a week after the date instead?

I talk to Elle about this date because I think perhaps I am in the wrong here & because it’s a difficult subject maybe I should cut the guy/girl some slack? Maybe I am being too judgemental. I mean lets be fair, I wasn’t interested in this person before this revelation, however Elle says that she thinks this person should have been honest with me prior to the date. Especially with the protection of online dating, being online, there is no reason to not be honest. & her advice is to “Fuck him off” If they were honest, then it would have been my decision & to be perfectly honest with you, I would not have gone on the date. I’m glad I never gave him my number & delete the app shortly after. I swear to god, you can’t make this shit up! Hahaha…

What do you all think? Should he have told me prior to the date?

#IBD4U

I love my readers comments on my posts, I never expected Marvel to be such intrigue! As I wrote about it last blog, I didn’t think it meant as much as it does. Or that you would all be guessing who it is…  All will be revealed! Read on to find out…

So I land in Brisbane, as soon as we’re allowed to turn on our phones as we’re taxing, I do & I check the app. I expect there to be nothing from Silverlining because I said goodbye & I love you expecting him to be offline when I land & that I’ll just send him a quick message that I have arrived safe. I have thought of our sexy afternoon the whole flight, I have thought about him the entire time. I can’t wait to get to Brisbane & message him. I also hope that somehow Motocross has sent me a message too. (However we all know how that turns out!)

To my surprise there are over 15 messages from Silverlining after I logged out, probably about an hour into my flight, he knows I wouldn’t have been able to read it until he was done… “Okay confession time.” My gut wrenches – this can’t be good “Pretty sure you suspected it” WHAT? “And I gave it away today.” OMG, what is he talking about “But I rejoined the chat app in an attempt work out if this stranger I was talking too was you.” Are you freaking kidding me? “I had my suspicions before you even talked about your Epic love. So like some kind of stalking loser. I rejoined the chat app, joined your group.” He’s even in my group?! Fucking hell “Then worked out it was you 100% as you would post in your group any time you messaged me while you were working. Well was like 90% sure at that point. Then some how accidental got some gossip on Cowboy today and told you stupidly by accident lol.” We talked about Cowboy briefly today before I shut it down “Can’t believe the douche wanted to speak to my partner about my cheating ways yet the wanker is married , with kids my age and cheating himself !!!!! I found his fucking mistress by accident lol wtf. Still trying to work out why you tried to ummm , move the conversation away from the chat app and tell me not to think about it or focus on it … You hinted that you suspected anyway. Didn’t want to look too loser and stalkerish.”  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I don’t even know what to say, I read the messages over & over until I have to get off the plane. I close the app & get off the plane, my heart pounding & feeling like such a fool.

Let’s break this down. Ok so he’s on the chat app but as who? (I gave it away last blog hahaha… He’s Marvel, but I don’t actually know this yet!) But Silverlining has said multiple times that he is “staying so far away from the chat app” so far away, his words! “Keeping my ass away from there, I made too many enemies etc” blah blah blah. Yet he’s been on there for 26 days as Marvel… Fucking prick. He’s also been in my group this whole time stalking me, I don’t know if I can say this is catfishing because he didn’t really chat in the group & I didn’t reply to his private message – which was only sent just before I flew out that I ignored anyway. But what the fuck is this… He’s been on the chat app, the thing he swore he was staying away from & has now been chatting to Cowboys mistress?!

So to give you some more information about Cowboy, when Silverlining & I were between sex (or making love for those who prefer that) today, he started talking about Cowboy, a guy from the chat app that hated Silverlining & who I ended up fucking after it ended with Silverlining the first time, because I was trying to get back at him… Cowboy begged me fore Silverlining’s partners chat app account to talk to her, I came close to giving it to him, so close, but I didn’t…  But now to find out that Cowboy is also married & has kids the same age as Silverlining just pisses me off. To be fair, I never asked if he was single, he lives in a small country town, it was never going to be a relationship anyway but he should’ve told me he was married. But I mean the guy was sending pictures of himself to my friend while on a date with me, so he is the biggest douche to walk the earth… This just confirms it… However that’s not even the point, Silverlining was talking about him today & I kept trying to change the subject, he asked me why I didn’t want to talk about Cowboy & my reasons were two fold. I didn’t want to tell him that I fucked him (& I don’t tell him that reason) but I also didn’t want to waste the little time I have Silverlining face to face talking about some douche canoe that we both don’t like – which is what I tell him.

But what fucks me off most about this revelation is that Silverlining is not only on the app stalking me for the past 26 days, but he is clearly in other groups chatting to other people! I always knew he chats to other people, that’s not why it bothers me, I chat to others too, so that doesn’t bother me – I can’t be pissed off about that. It bothers me because he categorically said that he was staying away from the chat app. I get that he wanted to find out who I was & obviously if I get time on breaks at work or am between things that I use my phone, I check all the apps, write to him & post in the group for example – so he could work out it was me. So he could go on the app & stalk me, a little weird but ok, I get it. But for him to join other groups & start chatting to other people, OH MY GOD that just fucks me off, I don’t even know what to say about this now… The most amazing afternoon spent intimate & sexy with him has just been shattered.

I put my phone in my handbag, go get my suitcase & meet my friend who’s picking me up. I don’t message Silverlining to tell him that I am safely in QLD. I am too angry & need some time to simmer down. I cannot believe this! I try to enjoy my time with my friend & her family but when I go to bed, I stare at his messages for so long, trying to work out what to say about this… I’m honestly not as angry as I was, I am starting to think it’s kind of cute that he’s on the app trying to work out who I was as the stranger. But I am annoyed about the fact he’s joining other groups after saying he needs to stay away from the app. I’ve been using this anon app with him because I didn’t think he’d go on the chat app again from what bullshit he’s spun me & it turns out, I’ve had this app open all day everyday waiting for messages because I don’t get notifications. “Wow… ok… No I didn’t know at all or suspect that. I saw that you had the chat app on your phone today when you looked for the calculator but I just assumed cos you have joint itunes account & she still has it on her phone that it came up on your phone… Have you tried to talk to me on the chat app?” This is what I suspect he’s Marvel, I knew there was something about that message about that account “I tried to move the conversation from talking Cowboy & the chat app because I didn’t want to waste time talk about shit that doesn’t matter… I can’t believe that you’re on the chat app stalking me… I don’t even know what to say TBH.” I put my phone down & refuse to look at it. I don’t know if I am hurt, I don’t know how I feel about this. Like I said, him being on there isn’t a problem, I have been hinting for him to join so I can get notifications again, but I didn’t think he’d be in other groups chatting to other people… People that used to know us too…!

No words seem right to describe how I feel right now, I am frustrated, annoyed, angry, I feel slightly violated & stupid. But I don’t know how I should feel about this. Of course I check the app when I wake up & there is 10 messages from him at 6:30 am, then 2 more at 7:45am, because he’s constantly thinking about me. “I literally signed up for the chat app for one reason…. It was to confirm or deny if the stranger was you. I was going to keep my ass away from the chat app I can assure you haha”  So then why are you chatting in other groups Douche? “Fuck as if you saw I even had the chat app on my phone. My partner has the chat app on her phone but I deleted the app ages ago on the record , but yeah it’s easier to chat on the anonymous app to you than the chat app and she knows about the chat app and will check my phone regularly for it but has no idea what the anonymous app is and I can hide it in my apps with no notifications.” She’s still checking his phone? I don’t know how these two live like this – though why am I putting up with this shit too? “Well at least I told you eventually and was honest about it.” That makes it ok? “You were reminding me too much of a chick I know I couldn’t resist … Turns out I didn’t need to stalk you in groups. Your over sharing best friend ways with me told me 100 Times more than anything I could get from groups. I signed up the 2^nd day I was chatting to you I think. It wasn’t meant to be malicious.”  Yeah I get that it wasn’t meant to be malicious… I get why he did it, I get how his mind works, too stubborn to just ask me if I was me, so he had to stalk me. However like I said, it’s the chatting to other people, being in other groups when he said he only joined to find out if I was the stranger. So why did he need to join other groups & chat privately to other people if that were true? Am I being too sensitive here?! I am over thinking this, I don’t want to be angry about it…

At 7:45 am I get “Oh yeah good morning. And I have a question … is fucking me and … worse still … hugging and cuddling me … is that just making things worse for you or helping you?”  As if I can have that conversation with him about what this is doing to me while I am still angry about him being on the chat app… FUCK… There is too much going on for me to have a straight head so I wait a few hours to reply. I’m not sure my head is any clearer when I reply, however I reply “Morning… I try not to look at your phone, even though you use it constantly around me, because I don’t like to stalk or be untrusting of people. I figure if they want me to know, they’ll tell me. But I’ve already told you this, as I never looked up your partner or MC for that matter. I only overshared because I knew it was you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have even talked about our story… Have you sent me a PM on the chat app? I’m assuming you did yesterday, you’re Marvel right?” I knew it was him, I had a fucking feeling about the account when I saw it, I just knew. I never thought it was his partner, apparently she doesn’t know how to use the app that well – albeit she can apparently hack Facebook to look at my private photos, but she can’t work out how to find groups by typing in the group search function that comes up when you join ‘Adelaide’ & ta da, all the Adelaide groups come up! FUCK SAKE.

He tells me I’m an idiot for trusting people, that I shouldn’t trust anyone, I should look up MC & it makes sense to me that he never told his partner off for looking me up when he thinks it’s ok. I just say also that I won’t go into detail but things are different this time & the sex with hugging & cuddles is not a problem for me. He asks me to elaborate but I don’t. I don’t tell him that he makes it very clear that he isn’t leaving her without saying it, he still tells me how much he loves me of course & I believe it, I feel his love when I’m with him. However I still have this niggling feeling they have gotten married already. It hurts me to think about it & I adore this man & want him all to myself but I also know that this isn’t our time. He’s not committed to her & if he left her, he couldn’t commit to me, not now maybe not ever. But I know we need to go through this, both of us need to go through this for the second time. I don’t know what the reason is, but somehow we’ve been pulled together again & I need to see this though.

He tells me that he is Marvel & that Cowboy’s mistress has added him to her private group, which actually fucks me off even more! He’s been on there 26 fucking days & in her private group?! He asks me again if I fucked him & I ignore it, I mean I’m assuming he’s only asking because he knows the answer. He says that he’s on the anon app more than the chat app but says if I want notifications, I can message him on there. I say “funny how you say you’re staying so far away from the chat app, yet are PMing other people in 26 days…” He replies “Jealous much?” which fucking makes me laugh, I mean am I jealous? Why am I jealous of this fuckwit chatting to other people? I mean he’s got a fucking partner, what difference does it make if he chats to other people? He says that it’s my fault he joined “My fault? You could’ve just asked me on the anon app who I was. Not joined groups. Not PMed on there”  I don’t want to be upset about this, I am not his partner trying to control him, but I can express me opinion “Are you legit angry with me?”  I guess I’m not legitimately angry. It just sucks he has limited time online & he spends it wanting to chat to others as well, however, this is who he is. I say that I am not angry but I just find it interesting. I really have no right to be angry here, I know he has a partner, I know he chats online, I chat online too… So I send a picture of a bruise & caption it “I’d never get away with cheating…”  I bruise so easily with him, I don’t even know how I got it, it’s on my chest but small & round. We talk about sex & how hot the afternoon was, I mean I don’t want to spend the little time I have with him fighting about bullshit. I know he wouldn’t trust anyone to be at his house so I know he’s not fucking anyone else… I send naughty pictures to guys I’ve talked to for a long time like Dom Dom & J-Lo, so I can’t really be angry & I don’t want to be angry. I don’t know how long I will have with Silverlining & I don’t want my next regret to be that I spent this time fighting with him for something I have done myself.

#IBD4U

It’s interesting looking back on this & realising how fucked up this is, not only am I midst affair number two with a man I am in love with & have been in love with for almost three years, but I am meeting him at his house… Remember that his phone is tracked, she even pings it when she doesn’t trust he’s where he says he is. This means of course we’re limited to where we can meet. I have had sex in their bed once but neither of us will risk that this time. I also realise now how fucked up it is that his kid is asleep in the next room – I mean parents have sex with their kids in the next room all the time, or there would be no siblings I guess, however I’m not sure that people have had affairs with their kid in the next room? This also isn’t the first time I have fucked him at his house while his kid sleeps. At the time when this was happening, I didn’t think it was weird, I was just thinking with my vagina, knowing that I was able to see him, I didn’t think anything by it. But regardless, right or wrong, weird or normal, I have done it, twice. I am at his house in sexy lingerie while his kid sleeps. But really, in the scheme of fucked up things I have done, I’m not even sure what is the front runner? Everything in this whole story is all kinds of fucked up.

Another thing before we get into the sexy NSFW part of the story, when I see him, I make sure I take notice of his hand… I don’t know why but I just have this feeling that they have gotten married, but there is no ring on his finger & there doesn’t seem to be a dent in his finger from where a ring would have been, that’s he’s taken off to fuck me. Surely they wouldn’t have gotten married after being together for 12 years now at this point, maybe even 13 years, going through an infidelity saga then coming out of it to get married. I never ask him either, I don’t know if I could handle the answer to be perfectly honest. But I have a feeling.

My most favourite thing, possibly what keeps me going back is the passion & the look in his eyes, I love that look when he sees me in lingerie more than anything in the world, that look like roger rabbit when his eyes pop out of his head. He’s naked & I’m close to naked standing there in his doorway kissing with such abandon. Our hands are everywhere. It never gets old, we never lose this undeniable passion for each other. He pushes me to my knees which turns us both on & forces me to suck his cock, this rough play always turns us on even more. I know he loves it, I love it & I suck his cock on my knees in lingerie while he thrusts his hips into me, fucking my face & I love when he then grabs my hair & pulls it a little, helping me to suck his cock better. The noises he makes when he makes me suck his cock, the little moans I make against his cock I know he feels, he’s told me before… I use my hands to rub his cock as I suck & it makes him moan even more. When he’s close to cumming, I can tell because he bends over trying to get his cock out of my mouth but also he doesn’t want me to stop, but I know he doesn’t want to cum yet either. We move over to the couch in his games area & he pushes me on the couch to use the white vibe on me, he edges me so many times that I am hating him for not letting me cum that I beg him to let me cum, I even say that I can cum more than once for him & want too, I pull the puppy dog eyes, I start calling him a prick & asshole nothing works till he finally lets me cum & I cum hard & for a long time. He then lays me down length ways on the couch, grabs a condom, slides it on & then fucks me, we both make this noise when his cock enters me, like a moan & a sigh all rolled into one noise, a noise that is just like relief, the thing we’ve wanted since I got here 30 minutes ago. I’ve wanted his cock inside me, feeling his weight on top of me. We are fucking hard, our hands everywhere, I ask him where he wants to cum & he says his usual “Don’t say that” which turns me on more & makes me ask him more, till he pulls out of me, takes the condom off & cums on my leg. He says he’s been trying to hold on for so long but didn’t want to cum on my leg. He sits up & we sit there chatting.

He tells me while we’re cuddling, having a breather, while we’re sitting there between sex, that his partner after the first time we had sex sat in his games area, that she never sits on this couch or goes over here but for some reason during the last couple of days since I was there last, she sat here. I will admit that it crosses my mind to leave a bit of condom wrapper down the side of the couch, it’ll be found one day, he might tell her it was there for years but he only created this games area since ending with me the first time, so I don’t know if she’d believe it… But she seems to believe a lot of bullshit he spins. OMG, I want to leave a snippet of condom wrapper. It would be so easy, I could 100% deny that I did it on purpose, it would genuinely seem as a accident, especially since I did take the used condom & wrapper last time we fucked. This could be genius! However, because I am who I am, I don’t, I pick up everything again & take it all home with me. I mean I even have this thought with an earring or something else but I don’t want to lose anything. So I don’t. However, fast forward a few days, after this time Silverlining tells me that on her day off when he was at work, she moved all the couches around & the one he had in the games area has now been moved into the lounge room & he has the other couch. OMG, imagine if I had of left the condom wrapper?! I wonder what would of happened, in a way I am glad it’s just crazy thoughts for me, that I never actually do it. Sometimes I wish I was crazy because then I might get what I want just once.

I know I have to leave soon, so I want to fuck him again, I start rubbing his cock & make him hard again, it’s pretty easy to do when I kiss his neck & ears, he loves that, almost like no one has ever done it to him the way he reacts. It makes him hard easily, I straddle his lap, still in lingerie, his cock hard between us, While there is a barrier there, we have pretty much rubbed up against each other so much we would have anything that the other had, but I am kissing him, struggling so much to want to stop & put a condom on, but struggling with the fact I know how it feels when his bare cock is deep inside me. I want that feeling… I am struggling so much with his decision as I kiss him & bob up & down on his lap, I rock back & forth, up & down – his hands on my ’tiny little waist’ as he calls it, helping me move up & down. FUCK I have never struggled with a decision like this before. I am usually careful, but I want his cock & I want it bare… I look at him & he is giving me a look like he wants it too, which makes it harder to stop, I growl fuck as I get off his lap & get a condom… Literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do during sex!

He pushes me off him once I’ve cum riding him, to lie on the couch again & he takes my hands & ties them up in the velcro restraints that I brought with me & goes down on me, fingering me till I cum against his face & hands again. JESUS… I am wet & dripping for him that he pulls me up off the couch, I am standing my tiny 5”3 stature against his 6’1, he kisses me but easily turns me around & bends me over the couch, he starts to take me from behind, but I am so wet that he slides easily into my ass, I love that feeling when he doesn’t mean to do it but it happens, I tell him that he’s in my ass & he says fuck really loudly as we fuck really hard, I cum again while being fucked & rubbing my own clit. I haven’t had my ass fucked for so long, I do love it every now & then, fuck it feels good!

Once we’re done, get goes to clean himself up & I sit back on the couch knowing I still have about 45 minutes before I have to leave & probably before his daughter wakes up. We sit there talking, cuddling, touching & seriously just spending time being very intimate. I love this time with him but I want him one more time before I leave, so I kneel between his legs & start sucking his cock from soft. I didn’t often see it soft before today, he was always hard around me & we always had a short time together. As I start getting him semi hard, I hear a noise & I think it’s his kid but I keep going, then it gets louder & he says “Fuck, never have kids” We laugh & he walks in her room, hoping to just put her back to sleep, I doubt this plan is going to work. I sit on the couch not knowing what to do. He goes to the kitchen & makes her a bottle of milk & takes it into her but she keeps making noise, so I start getting dressed when he says “She’s not going to tell anyone” & goes & gets her out of her room, puts her in the other lounge room with YouTube & makes her a quick snack then comes over to me again. I’m getting dressed, picking up all the evidence, scrambling to find my clothes. His daughter is only 18 months old & just woken up, obviously seen me & doesn’t want to stay in the lounge room, I am picking up my handbag when she comes over to me with her bottle. I love seeing Silverling with her, but this is a bit weird. When she turns back to the tv, I quickly kiss him goodbye – not wanting her to see to scar her, he says sorry for her waking up & says thank you. I leave feeling a little weird being the way that just ended.

I am starving after fucking him, my appetite is back, that I pull into hungry jacks & get a burger, I look at the app & there is a message from him “You’re the best I ever had” FUCK ME! That was unexpected. I tell him that he’s the best I ever had & that I just had a burger & am on my way to the airport. He says “Good girl. If I fuck You more you’ll eat more lol” I say “Now who’s thirsty for more…” I know that he wants me more, I don’t even need to hear it. He replies “Err ummm. Boundaries. You know what was hot for me. Just your face about how bad you wanted to fuck me without a condom. When your about to ride me. Hope I didn’t pull that look every time I put my dick in” he says that I’m lucky he’s not a terrible person because he thinks if he had’ve pushed me on the idea, I would’ve fucked him without a condom & he’s right if he said something like just ride me or something, I would have just fucked him, I mean by that point, if he has anything, I would already have it. But he says that he respects my wishes even though he’s a jerk. I will admit & I do say that it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, stop & put it on him. He says “It was so sexy even tho it was frustrating hahahaha”

I also tell him that it was super cute seeing him with his daughter as I rushed to get dressed like in record time. I really didn’t want to be there when he was being a dad, but of course my clothes are all over the house & I have to find my shoes, get the condoms, get the fuck out of there. He says that he doesn’t want me to see his dad side, but I think it makes him hotter being a dad, seeing him as a dad. I mean I have seen him with his kids before when they were at my house but he was busy messaging her all day while I held the baby & his son played on the ipad all day, so I didn’t see him really be a dad. This was the first time. I fucking love seeing that side of him.

At the airport I get a message on the chat app Silverling & I originally met on 3 years ago that I haven’t been using much because I am on the anonymous app all the time chatting to him, but there is a new private message from someone who we’ll call Marvel, who joined the group I run the other day & he says “Hey there Hottie” I don’t think much of it, usually I delete people out of the group who randomly private message, but I don’t, I don’t know what it is but there is something about this account that stops me, even though he hasn’t chatted & only been on the app for 28 days…. I ignore the message because I get new messages from randoms daily that I ignore & board the plane. Once in my seat, I tell Silverlining that I will message when I get to Brisbane, we say the usual love you goodbyes & I say thank you for today with a smiley face as a joke. & I settle into the plane seat for my flight to Brisbane, happy & smug… I haven’t had time to shower, I wonder if the person next to me can smell the sex permeating from my skin?!

#IBD4U

While I think that all my blog posts are NSFW (Not safe for work) you read at your own risk at work (hopefully not on your work computers! Hahaha) You should probably take this as a blanket warning that all Silverlining posts are probably NSFW anymore! Hehehe… ENJOY!

I wake up to a few messages from him “Morning sexy bitch. Like legit Sexy bitch. So I was thinking Thursdays around lunch time at my house was would be the best times” I got my dates confused with him too he thought I was away Wednesday but I don’t actually fly out till Thursday night. I smile because last night when he logged off around 10:00 pm when he got home from work, he was saying that he’ll see what he can do, this morning at 6:30 am, he’s giving me options when I can come see him! I say I’d have to leave his house tomorrow around 2:00 pm to make it to the airport on time & he says that he’s only available from about 11:30 am to 2:00 pm when his daughter sleeps. I don’t want to get too excited so I just say to see how he goes & he says sure thing, exactly what I said last night so I call him a fuckwit. I can’t help but smile at the fact that he has clearly woken up early & thinking about how he can see me again, this week before I go to Brisbane. He makes me smile one minute & then I can be reminded so easily that this man is not mine, that this man will never be mine.

When I call him a fuckwit he tells me that I love it, which I do love his douchy side, I don’t know why. “Especially when I edge you” he has been the only man that has ever edged me to the point I am so close & don’t cum, I mean I can’t even do it to myself, I can’t stop. He stops & I call him a prick, which he loves & I then become a brat & try to rub my own clit, it’s a little game we play but it’s fucking hot & makes me cum so fucking hard. I tell him that I hate it when he does that – I mean it’s a love hate relationship with edging, it’s so frustrating but is so good when he finally makes me cum, “Your pussy cumming hard for over a minute tells me otherwise” I did cum very hard & for a long time. I hadn’t cum like that in 18 months & it felt good, so good that when he pulled his fingers out of me, they were dripping with my cum, to the point that if I was with someone random & saw his fingers, I would have been self conscious, but I know that he would have loved it. “I’ve never seen the wetness on my fingers like that, Turned me on so much lol” I remember that it was sticky & creamy & when he pulled his fingers out of me, they were coated in my cum & as I was lying there in the split second I was about to feel embarrassed, he stuck his fingers in his mouth & sucked it off. He says that he’s never pulled his fingers out of someone before & witnessed their wetness when he pulled apart his fingers. He tells me he’s hard which isn’t a surprise, I am turned on when we talk about how hot our sex was too. I tell him that I was a little embarrassed & he says that I shouldn’t ever be embarrassed, I am sexy as hell, with my little moans & wet cunt.

He also tells me that he was expecting me to be fatter than I am. He says that I talked my gut up so much that he was expecting me to be fatter than I was when we were together. In fact I have lost a bit of weight, he says that I am legit sexy & I shouldn’t worry about what I look like. He starts talking about my ass too & then I can’t decide if he’s a tits or ass man, most guys you can tell but he’s all over both of mine that I can’t tell which he prefers.

We get onto the topic of affair number two, the elephant in the room, the thing we shouldn’t be doing. He says that I shouldn’t be talking to him or fucking him or worse of all cuddling with him. It’s his subtle way of reminding me that he is not leaving her, in fact it makes me feel like they actually got married… Surely not?! But nevertheless, it reminds me that he is not leaving her & never will. I say that it’s ok, that its somehow different this time. I can’t explain it to him really but I know it is, he seems to be able to explain it better than I can, saying that we’re more honest this time that we aren’t holding back with our feelings. I say that it won’t change our situation but yeah that’s what I mean. When this is over, I won’t regret knowing I gave it my all & he doesn’t believe my love for him, then I can’t doubt what I had with him. He tells me I held back all the fantasises of wanting to live with him, how much I loved him, how much I wanted his kids in my life & how madly in love I was with him. However, again, I say that it wouldn’t have made a difference. She pulled a stunt he couldn’t walk away from, I don’t even think he would have left her if I was pregnant after that. There was nothing I could have done to show him the life he would have with me because she knew the one thing he fears is his kids not having their parents around when they’re growing up.

He reminds me about the day that I had him all to myself & slept the whole day because I ate a weed cupcake with Origin. He’s about to go offline for the night & he’s picking a fight with me, telling me that he was pissed off so much so that he almost ghosted me, but he was already having feelings for me that he didn’t. We are having a fight about he people that we wanted way back when in 2017 when we first met on the chat app & then he says “Anyways I must go. As always it was good chatting to you” I laugh out loud. He says “Chat later x. Maybe see you tomorrow” I smile & say yes that I love him. He doesn’t say it back but then sends “Love you too… Dammit” I laugh & he’s gone…

So I wake up trying to not be excited about seeing him again today however, I can’t help myself but pick up my phone & look straight at the app for his good morning message, which is there “Morning sexy ass” & I laugh & write back sleepily “Morning Cutie Pie” to which he says he is not cute nor a pie, but I remind him of the cream pies that he’s given me before. He tells me off for turning him on & asks why he is dying to fuck me again. I try to play it cool, I have to wait for him to invite me over. But as I get home from the gym & shower, I pay careful attention to what I put on. A white body suit lingerie, getting ready in a cute outfit ready to possibly see him again today.

He’s busy chatting turning himself on about the fact that I’ve gotten better at sucking cock, he says I was average before but now I am amazing. Well he always told me I was amazing, so I don’t know how I’ve gotten better, I’ve barely sucked any cock since his. He tells me that I improved his kissing & oral skills, which just pisses me off because I made him better for someone else, who didn’t really want him until I did. I tell him that I am not better than I was, that he’s probably only getting average head & he says that she’s good which makes my gut wrench, I hate hearing about what she does for him now. He says that he was close to cumming the whole time I was sucking his cock & I say that he should’ve cum on my face. But then say “Though I suppose it’s not as exciting as it once was, now you can do it all the time” & he tells me what I knew would happen, that she doesn’t let him do… They did it once a long time again & they haven’t done it since – what a fucking surprise… NOT.

As if to change the subject he says “Still on for 11:30” I smirk like a dick & need to stop thinking about their sex life, so I tell him that I will have more than one condom with me today in the mood strikes us. I tell him that I want to cum before I come over & he says I can then changes his mind & says I can’t until I get there. I tell him I am going to rape him when I get there & he laughs at me. I ask him what he would like me to bring for us to use if the mood strikes, I know he doesn’t like planning but he says that he likes my little white vibe & something to tie my hands up with!

As I’m getting ready, not only to go fuck him, I am also packing to go to QLD later today, my friend from KI rocks up at my house. I lie my ass off to her about where I am going, not only because I can’t tell anyone I am fucking Silverlining again but I also don’t want to hear the judgement. I know this is fucked up & I’m going to be hurt, I don’t need to hear that from anyone. I get rid of my friend by saying I’m going to lunch with my sister being it’s her 40^th while I’m away (didn’t plan that fucking well, but I did throw her a surprise party since she didn’t want a party with a few close friends last weekend) but I tell him I am on my way & he says that he better put his daughter to bed. I message when I get there because I am not sure she’s asleep, I don’t know how long it takes an 18 month old to go to sleep in the day but he writes back that she’s asleep & I should come inside.

I am shaking with excitement, nervousness & trepidation. I mean being at their house is always a risk obviously, she could rock up home any second. He told me that she has just rocked up home on his days off before because she thinks he’s cheating on her still… But ironically she doesn’t think I know where they live, so I don’t know why she thinks I have been there before. He says he’s denied that I’ve been to their house before. So I’m confused what she thinks to be honest, but whatever, I am at their house, in lingerie with a vibrator, condoms & a set of velcro hand restraints in my handbag…

I will admit that as I walk in & I see the piles of crap, an old mattress, toys & other shit piled up outside that I never really noticed before, I mean I only ever really came here at night before but I notice what a messy house or yard they have, it’s not like a hoarders paradise but it’s just crap that they haven’t thrown away. Their house is messy & over crowded, there is 4 people living in a house that is smaller than mine, so I get it but there are bookshelves overflowing & there is always a clothes drying rack in the lounge room full of clothes. They also use the air vents in the ceiling as a hanging space for drying clothes on hangers. I even notice the top of their fridge which is fill of crap, boxes of cereals & protein containers that I wonder how the fuck she even found my panties, unless he had them at the front.

But I don’t have much time to look around, nor do I really care about what his house looks like or soak up the surrounds as he’s kissing me, with such desire, I can feel it. Feel how much he wants me, not just because his cock is instantly hard, but with his touch, with his kiss, with his eyes, his eyes always give him away with me!

#IBD4U

So with Motocross over, we travel back to get up to date with the Silverlining story – well it’s still the day of the hot hot sex. I put my phone down because I just feel like shit, I have just seen this man, made love to him in the hot sexy way we know how & hugged him, touched him, kissed him & then he pushed me out the door to go smooth things over with his partner & then told me about it… FFS.

I know I have no right to be pissed off, but I am. I know I have no right to be upset about how things go down, how much attention I get from him & how much he is offline with his family, I signed up for this, I know everytime I’ve been involved with this man what I get from him, what my end of the bargain is. I also knew the second affair with him wouldn’t be easy or would he take as many risks as he did before. She knows he cheated now I’m sure she’s on the look out for similar signs & he’s more cautious. My brain is screaming constantly, run away, run away! But my heart is pulling me back yet again, my stupid heart. That stupid chemistry you read last Silverlining post is what keeps me going back, this man I loved for the last two and a half years is pulling me back in & I am stupidly allowing it. If I were you, I would be giving the same advice, GET OUT NOW. But while you’re in it, it’s not that easy, trust me!

Because I am not writing back to his message, which is obviously out of character for me & after what he’s just said to me, he knows I’m sulking, so he posts on my post about fucking 26 men & has changed his name to the nickname I used & said “Still the best eh?” I get a notification for replies to the post but not to chats. So I look at the post & realise it’s him & can’t fucking help myself from smiling at him trying to get my attention, knowing I would be pissed off. Fuck, why am I so pathetic when it comes to him?

I tell him he’s a fucking idiot & he says rumour has it you fucked him today. I am still pissed off so I write back that it was an accident. I used to always say this to my friend, that I accidentally fucked this guy on the weekend & she was always asking how you could accidentally fuck someone. Well I didn’t plan to fuck the guy so it was an accident that I did… I wasn’t supposed to fuck Silverlining, even though I knew we would, so wasn’t entirely an accident as I usually describe, because I wanted to fuck him more than anything. “Tripped & fell on his dick?” I laugh & hate myself for letting my walls come down when I am angry with him. He calls me out on a technicality of saying condom not condoms & says that I must be spewing he didn’t fuck me more than once. I say that he mustn’t know me at all if he thinks I would only bring one & that I would only want to be fucked once. “I want to know… How after 18 months of not fucking, 12 months of not talking, how the fuck did we cum together today… Jesus Christ!” I ask because there is no way he makes love with her like that. She didn’t even cum with him for 10 years. We haven’t seen each other in 18 fucking months & are still so in tune with each other that we cum together… Who has actually ever cum with their partner while fucking? I’ll say it’s very bloody rare, he’s the only one I’ve ever done it with & it didn’t happen often. He says that I was fidgeting, fucking him back & moaning too much that it turned him on that he couldn’t stop himself cumming. “Hahaha it’s so fucking sexy when you can’t control yourself and you just have to fuck me back even know I’ve stopped. Fuck I love that” He says that he wanted me to ride him & was planning on fucking my ass too but he came & he didn’t think I had more condoms with me. I say that I wasn’t going to let him fuck my ass because I believe that a guy has to earn the best from me, those type of things, cumming on my face or fucking my ass, they need to earn it. “Oh come on. If I wanted it , I could have had it !” Fuck I hate that he’s right, I never would have stopped him from doing anything to me that he wanted.

He says it was too awkward to he didn’t ask me for another condom & enjoyed just hugging me instead, I mean the sex, yes it was a mistake, but hugging him & sitting on the couch with our limbs intertwined was probably the biggest mistake ever. I felt the love, I felt the connection, I loved his arms around me. I felt home.

I try to change the subject by telling him I had a first with him today, how the fuck after all this time do I still have firsts & of course he reminds me how many men I’ve fucked since him that I would have a first with him… Well I did. I tell him that when he was shoving his cock down my throat – his supposedly small cock – that he made me almost vomit. I say that it was kind of gross but turned me on a lot, especially the amount of times he made me gag, which I know he loves. But I’ve never taken a cock so deep that my tummy heaves! I’ve gaged a lot of his cock but never so I tasted stomach bile. He says it turns him on to hear me struggle & gag on his cock too, but he’s surprised that it turns me on. I tell him not to question it. Hahaha… It’s probably best we all don’t question the weird things that turn me on with him!

As we talk about how I used to fake my confidence with him & how I fake confidence with other men, he says that he doesn’t believe me. He told me in the car that I was the best he’s ever had & he knows that he’s the best I’ve ever had but he doesn’t think he sees a different side to me than other guys get to see, but that’s because I am now confident with him & knows how he feels. However I still struggled in the car to make a move on him, even though I knew that he wanted me, I could see it in his eyes, yet I couldn’t reach out & touch him first.

I’ve told him a few times that the guys since him, sometimes I haven’t cum at all from them “I struggle with the concept of you not cumming from sex. I mean it’s a challenge when your in a bad mood. Which makes it fun sometimes. But maybe that’s just me” I only remember being shitty a couple of times & telling him I wouldn’t be able to cum that night & he would find a way to make me cum “yeah if you were shitty at me I would have to pull out all the moves to make you fucking cum” I remind him that not all women cum from a dick & some men don’t do anything but stick their dick in – aka Motocross. But he says that he tries to make me cum no matter what. I don’t think there were many times that I didn’t cum with him. I struggled the last time we fucked when she made him take a picture of himself at the gym & he got back in the car, I felt like a fucking twat that I didn’t think he’d make me cum, I was sulking & horny but fucked off. But he worked hard to make me cum & to be honest, if he didn’t make me cum that night, I probably would have been even more pissed off. I guess that night I saw how whipped he was & he says “Yeah the net was closing in at that point” I mean he’d also been pulling away from me, not coming online for hours on end, not chatting because they were home with the baby. He even remembers the Saturday I tried to end it with him but as we sat there for lunch I couldn’t do it, I was too in live with him & we ended up fucking over my kitchen bench “That time I felt like you were really serious about it and was going to do it.” I remind him that I was crying all morning over him & then saw him & couldn’t do it then asked him to fuck me. “That was my fault tho , I felt like you were going to break up with me so I was like fuck it, I’m going to bend her over in the kitchen and fuck her” It was what I needed, he hadn’t fucked me in ages (a week) & I was horny & feeling unloved.

I say that I was not planning on fucking him today but I say I want him again before I go back to work, that I am currently using my vibrator again to make myself cum as he’s still turning me on & then give him a list of the days I would be free, he annoyingly says that he’ll see what he can do, I say sure thing & he tells me not to get shitty at him, I am not shitty – well I guess I am a little, he says “Your so cute sometimes tho hahaha” I have no idea what I have done to be cute, but he knows me well, I am a little pissed he just said he’ll see. I mean he was right before when he asked that the fuck I see in him & why I put up with this shit… But I guess what we need to remember, is at least I know what I am getting with Silverlining. He has limited time on line, he has limited time to see me, he’s not leaving her, she’s made that impossible for him to even if he wanted too, I know what I have got myself into here & at least it’s honest. Not like Motocross who fuck knows what he’s thinking or doing. (Obviously you know what happens there now, but at this time in the timeline, Motocross has actually only rung me this afternoon to tell me he’s thinking of coming to Brisbane!) It’s fake, it’s a lie, it’s stringing me along to believe it’s something that it’s not. Not that Motocross made any promises to me, but he lead me to believe that we were starting something… Silverlining while he’s given me hope in some things he says, I know that he’ll never leave her. He says I’m cute a few times, that he’ll be offline soon, “Love you loser. Chat again soon cutie. Night x” & I say love you too then he’s gone. I feel a bit shit so I just go to sleep content that I have seen, made love & cuddled with the man I am madly in love with today.

#IBD4U

I bet you all thought the Motocross story was over, but it’s not! hahaha… I’m not sure this gives you any more answers than what we had, but nevertheless, there is another post on this dude.

So we’re still jumping ahead here – a week later, I am using snapchat a lot more than I ever do, I am taking pictures of all sorts of shit & posting to my story mainly to see if Motocross is looking. He looks at every single snapchat that I post to my story, generally he’s always the first one to look at them… No matter what time of day, he looks at it first. Why did he even bother to message me?! I figure there is no harm in asking, I mean it’ll probably all be lies anyway, but why not ask. I’m over this stupid thing I had for him so why not just ask & see what the fuck he is thinking – I think about messaging him lot but I never do it.

One night I am driving out of my street to a Christmas dinner, where I get seated opposite Doppleganger from the gym FFS (He’s so fucking nice, I want to hate him but I can’t!). I see Motocross driving his car literally past my road, I pull out behind him & change the way I was going to the restaurant to see if it was him – it was. I wonder what he’s still doing in Adelaide. If his story is true. It’s passed the 5 December when he said he was leaving… Why is he still here? I decide a few days later to just fucking ask him! “Can I ask you a question? Why did you want to say sorry to me if you weren’t going to ever try to see me again?”  I don’t understand this guy at all, why did he go out of his way to message me, to say sorry for not talking to just ignore me, when he’s clearly still in Adelaide! “I was planning on seeing you again. Unfortunately I became really busy packing the my pop pasted away & just ran out of time” His pop passed away – yes he wrote pasted. Hahaha – not funny about his pop  of course but funny the words he can spell & the words he misspells. I roll my eyes because as if this is true, however, I play the condolence card again – just like I did with his dog… “Sorry to hear about your pop. You have to have a lot of family things going on… When did you go back?” I wonder if he saw me driving on Saturday night & I can catch him out in a lie?! I’m hoping that I will be able to catch him out in a lie finally & say something. “Yeah thanks its been coming for some time Unfortunately just would’ve picked it yet that’s all. Nah no family problems that was it. I left on Monday.” Didn’t his cousin have a stroke & his dog died, now his pop died… All of this in the three months that he was staying in Adelaide?! Doesn’t this sound like Noddy & how much shit he had happen in the three months he knew me too… Why am I the magnet to drama filled idiot guys? So at least Motocross didn’t lie about still being here & his story is plausible that he left after I saw him driving, so he either saw me on Saturday or he really did go back Monday.

I look at the time & realise that in LA it would be like 3:00 am, I google the time & I’m right… “Is it like stupid o’clock over there? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Considering the amount of times he fell asleep on my couch at like 10:00 pm, as if he is awake at 3:00 am LA time. “It’s 2:54am here yeah my brother called & forgot the time difference apparently. I’m fair tired yeah sorry” So he’s probably googled the time or this is true… Can I even believe this story & why am I trying? “Right, I’ll let you sleep… Bit of a shame how things worked out with you though TBH.” He doesn’t read it till the next day when I wake up there is another message for me… So now he knows I’m suspicious he needs to be careful about when he writes back. “What do you mean how things worked out with me” I want to say more to him, I want to be really honest & get some answers from him “Just how somethings didn’t add up & that’s when you ghosted me… Just sucks cos I trusted you” I hate that I trusted this guy, that I really liked this guy, & I hate so much that Silverlining was right – he was right about Cowboy & he was right about Motocross, that I am still trying to make it work with Motocross even though he’s clearly not interested. How desperate am I, FFS?! He says he didn’t ghost me, that he just ran out of time. He starts calling me on snapchat, I didn’t even know that was a thing, I am at work so I don’t answer, then he says sorry he wasn’t meant to call me. Fucking hell. I say that I am pissed that I said I’d leave it with him & then never heard from him again. He replies “I’m not the best at replying or responding to people unfortunately. I’m not the sorta person that just sleeps with someone then that’s it even tho it seems that way I did feel really bad for not talking sooner I thought about it a lot if you really wanna know just didn’t know what to say tbh”  I say that I’m annoyed I trusted him & slept with him so quickly & without a condom no less. He says that he didn’t think it wasn’t me who was the problem & then says “I’m just gonna stay single!” RIGHITO then!

He says he’s really sorry that I’m really funny & thanks for the sharknado memories. I then ask why is he still replying so much (& with long messages) if he’s not interested in me. He asks why I think he’s not interested & I say just a vibe I get from you & he never replies again. Oh good, this old chestnut!

A few months later, I have a weird dream about him & when I wake up without thinking, I text his Australian phone number – I’m not even sure why I do or why it happens so suddenly, maybe I’m still a bit asleep & not thinking straight, but I text saying I had a dream about him & I in hospital together but he never replies… Either he just ignored it because he needs to pretend he doesn’t have that number anymore or he genuinely doesn’t have that number.

Ok, so jumping forward some more time later, this is a tid bit from real time now it’s Covid-19 lock down – it doesn’t give too much away about my present dating status, but I thought we need some answers about this guy. I have been walking every day with a friend as we are both working from home, we talk about everything & Motocross comes up a lot as well as others in my past & present, she’s just a perplexed about what went on with him as I am, & mainly because he is still looking at EVERY single snapchat I send to my story, he is generally always first, no matter what time of day it is.

My friend picks me up one morning as usual but for some reason we happen to be chatting about Motocross & as we pull out of my street, who should drive past but Motocross… BAHAHAHA! She even points him out being I’ve described his car & what he looks like to her in more detail than my blog, however she does read. We laugh about it for ages & later that day I decide to message him & ask if it was him, he says no it wasn’t him, he’s not here & that it must have been his dad. What a crock of shit! I send a laughing face & he says that I’m not funny that he’s not back here till September. Isn’t this the guy who said he hadn’t been home for like 7 years & now he’s been home for months & coming back again a year later?! I tell him his story was always hard to believe & I find it funny & he says “If you wanna cause trouble or drama don’t bother . I’ve really got no idea what your on about” Cause trouble!? With who?? How?! By not believing his story? Hahaha. I ask how & he says that I’m laughing at something that’s not funny – um yeah it is dude. He then says “Your insinuating I’m lying when I’m not . And apparently my story no idea what story is hard to believe”  I also notice that his full stops aren’t next to his words, like what happens with Silverlining. What is that about.

I apologise for pissing him off, say it must’ve been his doppelganger in the same car. I look at the time in California, it’s 4:00 am. I mention that to him & he says that he’s actually in Florida at his house there & it’s just after 7:00 am & what do you know, he says that he’s brother just called him so he’s multitasking… Not that old chestnut too! His brother who he didn’t speak to that much has happened to call the twice I have messaged him & questioned the time of day… Interesting though Motocross & I have been messaging solidly for about 8 hours, meaning if it’s 7:00 am where he is, he’s not slept all night!!! He says that he sleeps though the day a lot because there is nothing to do with Covid. I laugh at him because he used to fall asleep on my couch at 10:00 pm. He then stops chatting to me again.

Still not letting this go – even though I have moved on (Stories to come) & because he looks at every single snapchat I post to my story. One day I find a book with his signatures in it, remember when he did that?! Well I send a snapchat to him direct & remind him that he never signed something for me like he said he would. He tells me that he’ll send me something & asks (Yes he ASKS) for my actual address. I send it to him immediately because this will confirm a lot of things – if I get a parcel.  I ask him to send me some of the special fruit loops too that he had sent from America while he was staying here that he went on & on about.  A few days later I post on my story about my strapped up foot & he asks what I did, which is unprecedented, he doesn’t normally reply to any of my posts, he just looks at them all.

My friend I’m walking with decides to stalk him & she finds out where he lives, like WTF. My god, people are easily found. On the way to our walk one morning, she drives past. His car is definitely the car we saw as it has distinctive licence plates, which is parked in the driveway of this house. There is also about 6 cars, including one I know to be his brothers (Story to come on that too!) Seriously, how easily are people found. Also what’s more fucking hilarious, is that it’s about 6 streets away from my house across the expressway! Jesus!

But the parcel, oh the parcel…  You guessed it, here I am 3 months later still waiting for this so called parcel to arrive! So the question now is, should message him & ask where it is?? Or should I just leave it?

#IBD4U