So with Motocross over, we travel back to get up to date with the Silverlining story – well it’s still the day of the hot hot sex. I put my phone down because I just feel like shit, I have just seen this man, made love to him in the hot sexy way we know how & hugged him, touched him, kissed him & then he pushed me out the door to go smooth things over with his partner & then told me about it… FFS.
I know I have no right to be pissed off, but I am. I know I have no right to be upset about how things go down, how much attention I get from him & how much he is offline with his family, I signed up for this, I know everytime I’ve been involved with this man what I get from him, what my end of the bargain is. I also knew the second affair with him wouldn’t be easy or would he take as many risks as he did before. She knows he cheated now I’m sure she’s on the look out for similar signs & he’s more cautious. My brain is screaming constantly, run away, run away! But my heart is pulling me back yet again, my stupid heart. That stupid chemistry you read last Silverlining post is what keeps me going back, this man I loved for the last two and a half years is pulling me back in & I am stupidly allowing it. If I were you, I would be giving the same advice, GET OUT NOW. But while you’re in it, it’s not that easy, trust me!
Because I am not writing back to his message, which is obviously out of character for me & after what he’s just said to me, he knows I’m sulking, so he posts on my post about fucking 26 men & has changed his name to the nickname I used & said “Still the best eh?” I get a notification for replies to the post but not to chats. So I look at the post & realise it’s him & can’t fucking help myself from smiling at him trying to get my attention, knowing I would be pissed off. Fuck, why am I so pathetic when it comes to him?
I tell him he’s a fucking idiot & he says rumour has it you fucked him today. I am still pissed off so I write back that it was an accident. I used to always say this to my friend, that I accidentally fucked this guy on the weekend & she was always asking how you could accidentally fuck someone. Well I didn’t plan to fuck the guy so it was an accident that I did… I wasn’t supposed to fuck Silverlining, even though I knew we would, so wasn’t entirely an accident as I usually describe, because I wanted to fuck him more than anything. “Tripped & fell on his dick?” I laugh & hate myself for letting my walls come down when I am angry with him. He calls me out on a technicality of saying condom not condoms & says that I must be spewing he didn’t fuck me more than once. I say that he mustn’t know me at all if he thinks I would only bring one & that I would only want to be fucked once. “I want to know… How after 18 months of not fucking, 12 months of not talking, how the fuck did we cum together today… Jesus Christ!” I ask because there is no way he makes love with her like that. She didn’t even cum with him for 10 years. We haven’t seen each other in 18 fucking months & are still so in tune with each other that we cum together… Who has actually ever cum with their partner while fucking? I’ll say it’s very bloody rare, he’s the only one I’ve ever done it with & it didn’t happen often. He says that I was fidgeting, fucking him back & moaning too much that it turned him on that he couldn’t stop himself cumming. “Hahaha it’s so fucking sexy when you can’t control yourself and you just have to fuck me back even know I’ve stopped. Fuck I love that” He says that he wanted me to ride him & was planning on fucking my ass too but he came & he didn’t think I had more condoms with me. I say that I wasn’t going to let him fuck my ass because I believe that a guy has to earn the best from me, those type of things, cumming on my face or fucking my ass, they need to earn it. “Oh come on. If I wanted it , I could have had it !” Fuck I hate that he’s right, I never would have stopped him from doing anything to me that he wanted.
He says it was too awkward to he didn’t ask me for another condom & enjoyed just hugging me instead, I mean the sex, yes it was a mistake, but hugging him & sitting on the couch with our limbs intertwined was probably the biggest mistake ever. I felt the love, I felt the connection, I loved his arms around me. I felt home.
I try to change the subject by telling him I had a first with him today, how the fuck after all this time do I still have firsts & of course he reminds me how many men I’ve fucked since him that I would have a first with him… Well I did. I tell him that when he was shoving his cock down my throat – his supposedly small cock – that he made me almost vomit. I say that it was kind of gross but turned me on a lot, especially the amount of times he made me gag, which I know he loves. But I’ve never taken a cock so deep that my tummy heaves! I’ve gaged a lot of his cock but never so I tasted stomach bile. He says it turns him on to hear me struggle & gag on his cock too, but he’s surprised that it turns me on. I tell him not to question it. Hahaha… It’s probably best we all don’t question the weird things that turn me on with him!
As we talk about how I used to fake my confidence with him & how I fake confidence with other men, he says that he doesn’t believe me. He told me in the car that I was the best he’s ever had & he knows that he’s the best I’ve ever had but he doesn’t think he sees a different side to me than other guys get to see, but that’s because I am now confident with him & knows how he feels. However I still struggled in the car to make a move on him, even though I knew that he wanted me, I could see it in his eyes, yet I couldn’t reach out & touch him first.
I’ve told him a few times that the guys since him, sometimes I haven’t cum at all from them “I struggle with the concept of you not cumming from sex. I mean it’s a challenge when your in a bad mood. Which makes it fun sometimes. But maybe that’s just me” I only remember being shitty a couple of times & telling him I wouldn’t be able to cum that night & he would find a way to make me cum “yeah if you were shitty at me I would have to pull out all the moves to make you fucking cum” I remind him that not all women cum from a dick & some men don’t do anything but stick their dick in – aka Motocross. But he says that he tries to make me cum no matter what. I don’t think there were many times that I didn’t cum with him. I struggled the last time we fucked when she made him take a picture of himself at the gym & he got back in the car, I felt like a fucking twat that I didn’t think he’d make me cum, I was sulking & horny but fucked off. But he worked hard to make me cum & to be honest, if he didn’t make me cum that night, I probably would have been even more pissed off. I guess that night I saw how whipped he was & he says “Yeah the net was closing in at that point” I mean he’d also been pulling away from me, not coming online for hours on end, not chatting because they were home with the baby. He even remembers the Saturday I tried to end it with him but as we sat there for lunch I couldn’t do it, I was too in live with him & we ended up fucking over my kitchen bench “That time I felt like you were really serious about it and was going to do it.” I remind him that I was crying all morning over him & then saw him & couldn’t do it then asked him to fuck me. “That was my fault tho , I felt like you were going to break up with me so I was like fuck it, I’m going to bend her over in the kitchen and fuck her” It was what I needed, he hadn’t fucked me in ages (a week) & I was horny & feeling unloved.
I say that I was not planning on fucking him today but I say I want him again before I go back to work, that I am currently using my vibrator again to make myself cum as he’s still turning me on & then give him a list of the days I would be free, he annoyingly says that he’ll see what he can do, I say sure thing & he tells me not to get shitty at him, I am not shitty – well I guess I am a little, he says “Your so cute sometimes tho hahaha” I have no idea what I have done to be cute, but he knows me well, I am a little pissed he just said he’ll see. I mean he was right before when he asked that the fuck I see in him & why I put up with this shit… But I guess what we need to remember, is at least I know what I am getting with Silverlining. He has limited time on line, he has limited time to see me, he’s not leaving her, she’s made that impossible for him to even if he wanted too, I know what I have got myself into here & at least it’s honest. Not like Motocross who fuck knows what he’s thinking or doing. (Obviously you know what happens there now, but at this time in the timeline, Motocross has actually only rung me this afternoon to tell me he’s thinking of coming to Brisbane!) It’s fake, it’s a lie, it’s stringing me along to believe it’s something that it’s not. Not that Motocross made any promises to me, but he lead me to believe that we were starting something… Silverlining while he’s given me hope in some things he says, I know that he’ll never leave her. He says I’m cute a few times, that he’ll be offline soon, “Love you loser. Chat again soon cutie. Night x” & I say love you too then he’s gone. I feel a bit shit so I just go to sleep content that I have seen, made love & cuddled with the man I am madly in love with today.