Month: Jun 2020

I read a meme once that said ‘Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers & don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.’ I was going to use this message as my heart that I always post on Instagram for a blog one day, however I’m not sure I believe it anymore – for me. I did used to believe this, I mean I tried to explain to Silverlining what I felt, what I wanted & he didn’t listen, but not because he didn’t want to listen but because he didn’t want to believe it, that’s on him, not on me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to explain myself & get answers from him about that. Finding out that his regret was doing what he called the ninja pack up – I said he was a thief in the night, but I like his analogy, that it literally is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am glad that I fought for some answers here.

I don’t need to explain myself to you guys or justify why I am doing what I’m doing – you don’t have to read if you don’t like the direction my story is going! But I now know he still loves me, thinks about me & has regrets… I always wondered if he regretted meeting me or getting involved with me, I never regretted meeting him or getting involved with him. I know we probably won’t be together, we both say that we’re not sure we should be talking right now or if we can even be friends now or in the future, but for now I think we both need this.

His question about me eating catches me off guard, he actually asks if I’ve eaten, which I haven’t eaten much, things super stressful at work but I just can’t face eating. He says that he doesn’t understand what I see in him – why I am still crazily in love with him, I remind him that he doesn’t believe me anyway but I’m pretty sure that he’s crazily in love with me too. I never wanted to lose him. “I do still crazily love you , I didn’t want to lose you , but I know it was getting to the point where it was hurting too much. Eat something now you twat face. I’ll fucker Uber you maccas if your careful.” I say that I just can’t eat, but it’s not about him, he says “Eat something. For me. Eat something. Eat Something.” I tell him I can’t eat & then his replies come through repeatedly, I think he’s going nuts replying the same thing over & over but then we both laugh at the fact the app is fucking up. He tells me to tell him what I have eaten today & what I am eating right now, I literally laugh but am smirking at how much he actually cares about me, he tells me to look after myself & eat, I say that I am looking after myself & he replies “Not eating is not looking after yourself , dumb fuck” I laugh & say I could eat his dick… OMG, why is it so easy to flirt with him. Though that’s always been our thing, right, anytime we’re serious we talk about sex, distracts the other. It works “You’re getting worse #IBD4U Stop making me want to fuck you” I act all innocent, what?! Hahaha & he says my dirty flirty. He says he can’t help it when he’s around me, but I need to stop encouraging him. He needs to stop encouraging me!

I don’t even realise what I am writing till I hit send “I would totally fuck you, stupid as it is… My god, no one has ever made me feel the way you do… Even just to chat too…” He tells me off, that I should never tell a man I would fuck them just to chat to them that men would use that to their advantage. Which isn’t exactly what I said but anyway “You’re not just any guy Silverlining. You’re the first guy I ever fell in love with, you’re the first guy for so much stuff… It’s insane how many firsts we had.” I mean I had quite a lot of sex before Silverlining, I’m not going to lie (You’ve all read about it! Hahaha) however it was mainly one night stands or someone I saw only a few times, so I never got to really experiment or try new things like I did with him. “You were a lot of firsts for me too…” which I find hard to believe but I know he finds it hard to believe that he had so many firsts with me too.

“Fuck you make me smile” & I melt… Like a wanker, my ice queen exterior is no longer there… I have told him I want to see him again, I now really want it but I just ask how I make him smile, I haven’t really said anything to make him smile really & he says that I just do, that our chats just make him smile. I didn’t think I said anything to make him smile, but he says that I make him smile with a lot of the things I have said. I think he realises where this conversation is going os he asks quickly how I knew it was him on the app after I saw him at the show. I say that I just knew from his pattern & I had a feeling. He says he knew I knew but didn’t want to say that he knew. “I know you’ll log off soon, cos you’ll be home… We’re both going off to different people tonight. But do know that I love you. With all my heart… More than I should… More than I want to admit.” I almost start tearing up but I know Motocross will be at my house soon for our date. “I love you Silverlining.” I get three messages back “#IBD4U this isn’t healthy … FFS. I love you too …” Within in 2 days of admitting who we are, we’ve said we’re still in love but not like this… I fucking love him. “I want to make you smile. I want to make you remember… I want us to be together. I want us to be friends… Don’t just ignore me tomorrow.” He says that he won’t but assumes that my work is super busy for me. I tell him I am basically invisible at my job now, I am doing everything I can to stay there because I love my job, he even says that knowing how much I love what I do. But I am annual leave as of tomorrow so I have three weeks off. He talks about hiding out the back since he’s been made redundant & I ask if there are any spots he could fuck me in, then I say remember fucking me in the ass in his office. He tells me off for making him hard & says that’s the hottest thing he’s ever done at work. I remember the next time I fucked him in his office when he used a USB cable & he asks who thinks of that shit, I’m like you dude – no one had ever been that spontaneous with me before. We talk about fucking in the ass, I say that only one guy has done it with me since him & he says that he hasn’t done it since me they tried but it was too awkward & she didn’t like it… WOW what a surprise – NOT.

I say that I expected him to be having this amazing sex life, she rimmed him but he says that she hasn’t done it in ages & it’s calmed down now. I say that I would never calm down if he was in my bed every night. He says I wish & I’m like well you could’ve had it. He replies “Oh I know … I wanted it … I was so close … I believed it …” He then tells me that he still chokes her & goes into dom mode but that’s about it. He says they have good sex but not like sex we had. I say that she will never be like me & he agrees that no one will ever be like me. I have a moment of high self esteem & tell him that I am one of a kind & he says that he knows. I say that I don’t think he knows that I am & he says that he does but asks why I think that. “You’re willing to stay with her when not only do we have amazing sex, but we also have an amazing connection… A strong bond that even after a year, can’t be broken…” his reply annoys me “Life gets complicated … kids and stuff. Your one of a kind and i fucking know it. You can’t deny I didn’t love you.” He says that he has to go & that this isn’t healthy – yet again, I tell him that I love him & say that we’ll see how long he lasts not chatting to me. He says chat later & three kisses.

I go on my date with Motocross & he obviously goes about his life with his family. I will admit that I check the app over night after Motocross goes to see if he’s messaged which he hasn’t. He knows I am with him so I figure that he doesn’t want to interrupt me. I don’t wake up as early as usual because I am on leave from work, but when I wake up, I check the app & he has messaged me at 6:30 am. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away, he says “Morning sexy bitch. So confession time. Periscope was my song for you” We’d talked about it when I said that we fucked to it & I knew it was his song for me, he told me that’s how he realised he loved me. I say that I’ve been listening to it a lot recently, which is weird. I tell him that I have been listening to a song called ‘Better Than Life’ & it’s my new anthem. He gets a bit pissed at himself because he forgot he told me that fact. hahaha.

I remind him that we’re the type of people who need to be told we’re loved but we are so stubborn that we don’t want to say it ourselves. I ask if he was listening to the song this morning & that’s why he confessed. He says yes & is pissed I know him so well too, he also says that he deleted his Spotify account because he’s going to be unemployed but he found it on YouTube to listen & I think it’s fucking sweet that he’s listening to the song for me. I thank him for having the balls to say I love you first to me, because I was never going to say it first. He says that he was going to say it so many times & I can’t believe that. I mean when he finally said it to me we were sort of having a fight. He says that he was falling for me within a few weeks but took him a while to work up the courage. I wonder if he said it sooner, would things be different?! When everything came to a screaming halt with his partner, would we have been further along therefore easier for him to leave her?!

Then he says “Oh I have a super important question for you…” My heart leaps into my mouth, what the fuck could he possibly ask?

#IBD4U

So a lot of you have asked what has happened to Motocross during all of these Silverlining posts. Well remember we’re only on day 2-3 since the reveal of our identities – Silverlining & I talk a lot & there is a lot of info to tell you, I can cut back on the detail to speed things up a bit. But rest assured Motocross is still in the background & there is still more of his story to come soon, but we just need to catch up on the Silverlining stuff first. I probably should’ve started with the Silverlining sooner than I did so it was both at the same time in the timeline but I am a bit ahead with Motocross. But there is more coming, I promise! So don’t stress, you will know everything I know, eventually…

Silverlining & I are talking a lot over the weekend when he’s at work, it’s like he waited to a weekend he was at work so he could talk to me & he’s said that he doesn’t want to stop, I don’t either at this point, I can’t stop regardless of what my brain is telling me, my heart is pulling at those stings again & I am an addict, I never realised he would be too!

He reminds me that he’s not good at maintaining friendships, but I don’t believe that that’s all him, I know she tracks him & questions him when he’s late or doing anything that he just stop bothering to engage with his friends, also his lack of self esteem about people liking him doesn’t help the situation. She did this before he met me – so it’s not just post affair. He disagrees & says he’s just lazy when it comes to maintain friendships. He does say that he is tracked harder & questioned over everything now but he swears that I don’t realise what a loser he is. He says he’s allowed to go out with friends – OMG, does he really need to be allowed, but he just never did or does… Yeah because I’m sure she was tracking him & asking questions he just gave up on it. & now it’s worse than it was before. Honestly, regardless if he ends up with me or not, what type of life are either of them living?! I mean he’s so under the thumb, more than before & she’s so paranoid. Of course she now has every right to be, but why would either of them want to live in this strange existence of toxicity?!

He says that she only started stalking him when she suspected him of cheating, which he wasn’t when he started cheating. He said that she knew (the woman always knows) but couldn’t prove it but because he stopped paying her attention, she got suspicious. The ironic thing is, he wasn’t cheating until she started suspecting it, yet she still got pregnant to him again. He had met me & I know that his heart wasn’t in the pregnancy, but I think if she hadn’t of gotten pregnant when she did, things would also be very different.

He asks why I tell my sister everything & I tell him how scared I was that his partner was going to do something to me, that I’d perhaps lose my memory or even worse she’d kill me, then she’d get away with it just like she said & he told me she could. No one knew about us – because no one saw us together & there would be no proof of our relationship, so the timeline I wrote would give a complete overview for anyone & I gave my sister a copy of all the videos, pictures, gifs, screenshots & anything else I had to make sure no one got away with anything! No one could deny anything. He says that he’s surprised that he’s still alive some days. I always wondered that over the year we didn’t talk, if she killed him or if something terrible happened to him because of her, would I ever know?! Would I always be pining for him, hoping one day he’d come back into my life?! He says that he’s glad she didn’t go down that path of hurting me but he assures me that she wanted too. I am still mega pissed off he told her my real name, my real job & showed her where I live. I always lie on the apps about my job & use a fake name. I know he gave her a fake name to start with when he was under pressure from her about what my name was but when it was revealed that it was fake, why didn’t he just give her another fake name & tell her my fake job that I use?! Why did she even need to know what I did for work anyway?! FFS. He says he freaked out that she would find out he lied again about another fake name. I mean the fact that he kept getting caught in lies should’ve been enough for her to want to leave him but she’s clutching to save her family, I get that.

I say that my job has changed a lot recently, which has been a good challenge but there is a lot of other stuff happening in my role which isn’t good at the moment. He says that his job has too, he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him but he was made redundant 6 weeks ago which is why he came back online because he’s not bothered about work anymore. He says he doesn’t have long left & doesn’t know what he’s going to do. They offered him a new role but it was quite a lot less pay so he’s not sure he wants to take it. “So add that to my loser resume, I’m also nearly unemployed” I say that he’s not a loser, just because the company is restructuring & your role is merged with another, doesn’t make you a loser! He says that he’s not in a good place mentally & I know that was hard for him to say to me. I don’t want to burden him with my work shit too, so I try to be supportive, he’s been told by others that he’s too good for the job he’s in & I agree, I always thought he could do better than what he was doing, but as long as he liked what he did, then I didn’t care. He admits that’s why he’s put on weight because he’s been drinking & eating shit a lot. I didn’t think he looked fat, but I guess if he felt me nearby, he sucked in his gut! Hahaha.

He’s scared about what he’s going to do & that his partner is now the bread winner which he hates – I didn’t realise he was so traditional, however he always did talk about how rich I am (I am not, lets not pretend here!) I never realised the woman earning more than him would be a problem. But I guess then if she is the bread winner & he’s not earning anything, then he’d be really be even more trapped. He again says that he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him, I say that I don’t, I mean want to hug the poor fucker, he’s going through some shit but I tell him that he will find something. I offer to look as his resume for him, being that I have just done a friends resume but he says that he’s good with resumes, so he’s all good. He tells me that he didn’t want to tell me at all, that I don’t realise what a dark place he’s in… Oh yeah, I get it.

I remind him that he never has to be insecure with me, especially about my love & how much he turns me on – going into a little detail about how when he pinned my legs on his shoulders & arms above my head in a bed, he would make me squirt cum in just two thrusts. He apologises for being so insecure. My heart breaks for him a little, but I don’t tell him that, I know he doesn’t want my sympathy. He sort of ignores that message so I say “I like how you ignore my message… Or are you tucking your apparently tiny cock into your belt?!” He says fuck you & I say that I was sad towards the end we didn’t fuck in a bed more. We always started out fucking in a bed, but then it was the car or over the car but he says most of our sex sessions that weren’t in a bed were the hottest. I did like our car sessions, they were fun, I’d never really fucked in a car much before him, but I wanted him in a bed again. “You just wanted to make love and cuddle. We had good sessions no matter where it was tho !” I remind him that I don’t like cuddles “We still made love when it was in the back of a car…. You fucking looked into my eyes every time we fucked… Used my name…” He tells me that I like cuddles more that I let on, which is probably true, I did love cuddling him & even in the car, just sitting touching after we just fucked each other hard, was so special.

“Yet you think I used you for sex. Sure I just look every woman in the eye and say there name while fucking them …” I know he didn’t use me for sex, I know he loved me, this conversation is proving that more & more. But I did know he didn’t use me for sex. He said his plan was to use me for sex, as was mine, but he fell for me hardcore. He did want me as a friend but he got too attached to early on with me, which of course we all know I did too. I tell him that I was attached to him before we even met. He calls bullshit that I was fucking everyone, which made him insanely jealous. OMG. I was not fucking everyone. I say that I was attached to our chats, but I never chatted to anyone like I did with him ever & haven’t since, not every day, not every moment we could. I say that I was fucking other people but our downfall was when I stopped fucking others, we were attached. I never thought he’d meet me once, let alone see me for a year being that he is tracked! He says that he was only trolling for friendships, he was never going to fuck others, he had people that wanted him but he wasn’t going to do it. I say we were stupid to only fuck each other, his response really surprises me “I don’t think we were stupid. I don’t regret anything. I literally got to meet (and fuck lol) one of the amazing fucking person in this world. And became close friends with. My fucking best friend. Which is hard to admit because of how sad it is. I don’t regret meeting you , fucking you , exclusively fucking you, pretty much making you my girlfriend , loving you. It was worth it. Stupid maybe.” My heart squeezes at that, he was my best friend too, I have a lot of friends, (sorry to those who read this blog! Hahaha) but he was my best friend & I don’t think that’s hard or sad to admit, I always wanted a partner to be my best friend, I’d never had that before.

I ask him a question I am not sure I really want an answer too, but I ask anyway, I ask if he has any regrets & he says “I have one regret , doing what I did to you. the final days. The ninja pack up , the not giving you a go. The ghosting of you. I never wanted to hurt you as much as I did.” I let out a sigh of relief… Finally, what I needed to hear!

#IBD4U

 

I’ve heard the geek thing from Silverlining so many times that I just want to strangle him! I mean I don’t even give a fuck about how geeky he is, we talked about this before, years ago when I said that if he was playing too many computer games & I was bored, I would just suck his cock while he played or wander around the house in lingerie & I’m sure that he’ll stop playing & pay attention to me! I don’t care about geek or his hobbies, as long as he’s not just a stoner sitting at home playing games & ignoring me. Simple really.

I remind him that I always told him how much I loved his cock, it’s size, it’s shape, it always made me cum & it’s the only cock I’ve ever fucked that has made me cum without any other stimulation. I didn’t even know that was possible to have an orgasm just from being fucked until him. But yet his partner told him that it was a good size after she fucked two guys when they were open for 5 minutes & he believed her, which fucked me off. I also remind him I’m not geeky, but I know my way around a computer & connect my own TVs etc. I’m not stupid with technology, but I can’t fake my location like he did. I also say that I knew he was geeky from the get go & thought it was super cute that when he brought his ‘stuff’ to my house that day, it was all his game consoles & one tiny bag of clothes. He says that he hides his geeky side a lot. People think he’s cool but he’s more of a geek than he lets on – why would anyway hide who they are?! He says he brought his game consoles because he didn’t want her to break them & he knew she would go after them first once he left the house.

I remember when he lost his Gameboy, which apparently is actually called a switch – I call it a Gameboy to annoy him because he always corrects me & he was in a foul mood all day chatting to me until he found it at his work, thinking he lost it on top of his car. I say that I knew he was geeky & maybe I knew him better than he knew me but he disagrees, he says that he knew me better. But I don’t believe that, because if he did really know me, he’d know that the geek, the debt, the kids & all of that shit he doubted about himself wouldn’t be an issue for me. He didn’t want to be a burden, but if in fact he knew me, he would’ve known that none of that shit matters to me.

We talk about people on the chat app & how snapchat boy (Noddy) knew about him in a way & remembered Silverlining being mean to him, Silverlining says it was his intention, because I was his turf. He says that he learned when he opened up his relationship that the chat app community was tight, he could’ve gone anywhere but on the chat app, he says that why he closed up their relationship, to protect me… Yeah right… He says it turns out “We’re pretty famous on the chat app” Yeah we were, so many people knew who we were & they also could feel the chemistry between us, so many people said that! But I snap “You didn’t close your relationship to protect me, you closed it to protect yourself! She would’ve found out more lies you told her about me if you kept it open… Don’t flatter yourself that you did anything to protect me.” I mean she was chatting to the guy, Crows , that I was fucking at the time for fuck sake, so she would’ve found out more lies & fuck knows what would’ve happened if she knew the real whole truth about our relationship.

He just says that there were no lies left, she knew everything. He says anything she doesn’t know now, would only come from me, she knows everything that was public or that we shared with individuals, but I’m sure that if she was on the chat app longer, it would have caused them to break up. I tell him that there is still so much she doesn’t know & would ruin their lives if she found out, he says “Pretty sure that’s knocked 5 years off our relationships. We won’t last forever… lol” OH MY GOOD GOD! He’s a fucking idiot! Why would you even be with someone if you didn’t think it will last?!

He tells me that Sweetie told his partner about our love, about our chemistry, about the 3sum with her, the car wash sex – I don’t remember everything Sweetie said however I don’t remember all that, if she knew that we were in love & believed everything Sweetie said, then why was it such a big deal when she read the messages he sent to someone else saying he still loved me!? Sometimes this story just doesn’t make any sense to me! Although I guess he said he denied all the stuff Sweetie said, however he still told her my real fucking name… Then I guess when she read the messages he sent to someone else about being in love with me, he couldn’t deny it.

I tell him that the guy I was fucking was talking to his partner & that I had to get him to get an STI test too, I tell him that I just got tested again & I’m all clean “So fuck you for blaming me for that!!” He says that they apparently only just started testing for HPV recently, which is a load of fucking shit, I was immunised against it in high school, when he tells me that she didn’t go to school in Australia, I snap that “God you believe some bullshit sometimes Silverlining.” He avoids the conversation since it’s making me fucking angry & says that if it’s the guy he thinks it is, she wanted him pretty bad & he wouldn’t fuck his partner… Well that makes me feel fucking smug as fuck! Hahaha.

When I remind him that Crows was also married but I didn’t know that right away, he says “Fuck how do guys get away with it?” Well he asks an interesting question, but then adds that he’s the last person to be asking that. I mean most partners don’t track their partners phones, so I understand how guys & women get away with it, I don’t know how Silverlining got away with it for 18 months but towards the end, I used to go to him a lot more than he ever came to me. HE asks “Why do guys even want 2 girlfriends. That shit is hard.” I laugh, I know that it would be hard to please both of us & I was always the last priority.

We talk about faking our identities again & I say that I wasn’t ready to stop talking to him yet so I didn’t want to reveal myself. I say “I was afraid if you knew it was me, you’d stop talking right away… I never expected you to still be in love with me too. I never even thought you’d still think of me…” Reminding him that I had things I needed him to know “Haha fucking bitch knowing I couldn’t defend myself to some extent. Fucking though the same as you. I saw you for a year … We connected on every single possible level. Sexually , emotionally (slightly retardly) , mentally. You really think I wouldn’t think of you ? Maybe your not as smart as I thought you were” The difference for me is that he has a family, a partner he says he loves & kids, he works full time, I know he’s stubborn & thinking that I’ve moved on so wouldn’t allow himself to think about me. He even told me at one point that he won’t let himself think of me. I tell him that he never believes alything I tell him so being a stranger was perfect & remind him that his partner made things clear to Sweetie too about their kinky sex, knowing it would get back to me, which it did. He says “I knew you loved me , but your emails proved that to me … How deep it was in the end.” I tell him that every song on the papa roach album reminds me of him & that I didn’t think he’d listen to songs & think of me.

I ask why he is still in love with me & he says he just explained because we connected on so many levels, well he has to connect with his partner like that surely?! So I ask, if he has connected like that with others & he says nope. Well FUCK. He asks if I have, which he knows I will say no because I haven’t. “I’d never met anyone who I couldn’t not touch & had to restrain myself from touching you… Before the carwash, when you were getting subway… When we were in the hardware store buying cable ties… Fuck I wanted to just put my arm around you, be flirty…” I was always good at flirty online but when it came to be tactile, I was terrible at it. He says what I’m dreading “I wish you had been touchy and flirty … but was restraining myself too to some extent. I love my wife , and always will to. But our level of connection isn’t on the same level.” Why wouldn’t you want to be with the person you love & connect with the most?! Life is too short to stay with someone, you’ve already told me that you’re not going to be with forever.

He says that we only connected online which is like a stab in my heart & I tell him that, He says that we had a mostly online relationship but we connected in real life too. He says “I was scared shitless you would hate living with me … I didn’t feel that way , I was using it as an excuse to cover. The fact I wasn’t sure how we would live together.” FUCKING HELL, where is this coming from, is he so scared to be alone?! I mean we didn’t have to live together straight away, he could’ve lived with his family or got his own place. “And you think I wasn’t scared about living with you too??? I haven’t lived with someone for like 13 years… What if you hated living with me? I was willing to take that risk…. I think we would’ve pissed each other off, not doubting that fact but we were able to talk about anything, fight & get over it.” He says he realises my fears too but he says “TBH I’m sure we would of be fine” I know that he’s saying that now because he realises how much I wanted him from re reading those emails. “I’m sure you would of just ended up in lingerie sucking my dick and me fucking your brains out an everything would be fine” Sex always did fix everything for us. “Fuck I wanted to live with you so badly… Sleep in my bed every night. I’m 100% sure we would’ve been ok, that we could fix everything with sex.” He says that he wishes we could’ve spent at least one night together. He says that’s his regret, not setting up something so he could spend the night together, we came close when she was in hospital having the baby, I think if their son wasn’t there, I would’ve stayed. He was going to stay when he was working at the store far away & she let him stay at his parents house.

These conversations were helping me, but now they’re making me sad, I mean there are so many things we didn’t get to do. Will we ever get to do them?

#IBD4U

I tell Silverlining about the Doppelganger at my gym. But I realise now that I would know Silverlining from a mile away, that my body reacts, he asks how. I tell him that my tummy churns, my hairs stand up on the back of my neck, I shake & then I can’t eat. He says “You need to eat bitch” I tell him though that my pussy would probably start dripping if he was closer. He says my name like I shouldn’t be flirting with him & I giggle, but I tell him that I have eaten some showbag goodies. He replies “Fuck me I love how wet your pussy gets for me.”

He’s also asking if my sister knows about us chatting – we’re still on the day that we admit it to each other that we’re who we are, by the way. We’ve been messaging all day, so much so that I almost cancelled my appointment because I didn’t want to stop talking to him. It’s going to end soon, I know. I am not stupid, he is with her, he’s made no attempts to leave her. He’s not going too. However for now, for today, I need to chat to him. He asks me what my sister has said, she’s said what half of you are thinking, what I already know, what I don’t need her to say “STOP TALKING TO HIM” & he says that I should probably listen to her, that she knows what’s best for me. But does she? Does he? I reply “Like I said before… No one can understand this. It doesn’t make sense. While it seems counterproductive, it’s actually helping me…. No one will ever understand our connection Silverlining. Nor will they understand our love. Why after a year of not talking, we’re still in love.” It’s almost like Rose in Titanic, getting off the boat with Jack. It doesn’t make sense but the excitement she felt with him in the few short days she knew him, she knew he was what she wanted. He says that Sweetie understood it, she witnessed it. I agree, but I don’t think she would understand why I am talking to him now after everything that happened post break up.

We talk about some people on the chat app & I am reminded of when he came back online with the matching user name as her, something we used to laugh at other people for doing, something I used to joke to him about changing his user name to SiliverliningLovesIBD4U. I don’t know why I spend this short time that I have probably left chatting to him, bringing this stuff up, but I do “Remember when you said to me I needed kink, that you weren’t that kinky or good at it. Then told me all about your kink stuff you were doing with your partner… yeah that was also fun!” He says that they haven’t done much together, which I am not surprised. He says sorry for hurting me with those comments but I taught him somethings he liked about sex. I mean he taught me so much that I didn’t realise that I would like about sex. I tell him that he apologised the next day “But not before telling me she rimmed you & you choked her… Someone else told me you had a 3sum… But yeah… We weren’t always kinky so hurt me that you thought I needed it, using it as an excuse to not be good enough for me…” It’s true but he won’t admit it. “The trouble with us is we both have an open and honest thing going. Sometimes we overshare. And it hurts. Hence why this is not a good thing” I know he’s preparing me to ghost me again, I need to be ok with it, I don’t want it after the fact I’ve not been chatting to him for 2 weeks none stop & today is Saturday & we’ve been chatting since I woke up at 7am.

I remind him that I was hurt because I was thinking she was withholding sex & being a bitch to him when in fact she was giving him the kinky sex I had given him. It was like a stab in the heart for me, I was still in love with him & he was already back to having sex with her when I couldn’t fuck anyone. He says that he never intended on hurting me & that he was just over sharing, I was his best friend, he didn’t think. He says that I taught him so much when I ask what, then he says something else that is meant to me a compliment but catches my breath “The sex never ever compared to ours lol” He says that I made him a better lover. I fucking hate that comment. “Yeah, I made you better for someone else.” He says sorry. But also that I bought out his dom side, he never had that until me.

He says that he has to go soon – it’s almost 11 hours of talking & that this isn’t healthy. No it’s not, but I can’t help but ask “You want to stop talking?” & I wait, not very long for his reply. “No I don’t …” So I say as casually as I can, that he should just talk to me when he can & he says that he will, he says “I’m so sorry for hurting you so much. Chat to you again soon” & with that he goes, but I reply saying thank you for saying that.

While this isn’t healthy, for either of us. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. It’s Sunday, I know he’ll be at work again, so he’ll be able to message if he wants too. I’ve had so much stress at work that I haven’t been sleeping, only getting a couple of hours per night, but tonight when I snuggle down expecting to toss & turn, I drift off to sleep. I am finally content. I feel like while he’s not mine, he somehow centres me. This shit going on in my life goes away & I can finally relax. I sleep the whole night, not great cos my nephew is over but better than I have in months. Waking up at 6:40am – shoot me now, I can’t help but look at the app before I check anything else on my phone as I don’t get notifications for the app we’re using, so I never know if he’s messaged. I am wildly optimistic that he will message but I just don’t know… It’s not a good idea if he does, will I message him if there is nothing from him when I look? I don’t know if I should, but he said he didn’t want to stop talking so at least he’s feeling what I am too…

This is a perfect time for a cliff-hanger, but at only 1100 words, it doesn’t seem enough since we’re only up to the second day of us admitting our identities – but up to #12 & we have Motocross to catch up too, I need to get the Silverlining story moving! So I’ll put you all out of your misery! I never hear from Silverlining again… WHAT?!

DUM DUM DUM! Just kidding, hahaha.

As I check the app, I notice there is a message, my heart jumps as I click to see it’s him at 6:07 am saying “So yeah morning for when you get up. I lasted a day … lol” I can’t help but smile like a fuckwit! I use his line on him “Pfft. You barely last 12 hours.” I laugh & tell him that I had a dream about him too. He replies “Pfft.” As I knew he would. He asks how I normally take my drug “Do you inject it? Inhale it? Pretty sure you take it orally. Maybe you insert it?” I laugh at him, knowing I’m he’s drug too, this song fits so well here….

I tell him the dream was weird because he walked past me at the supermarket while I was picking out tomatoes. I tell him that I didn’t sleep well, but better than I have been sleeping because of my nephew sleeping diagonally in my king sized bed. Silverlining tells me to go back to sleep, but I say that my nephew is awake now. He says that kids should be banned from the bed & he’s cheeky saying he can help me with my tomatoes, then he says actually he’ll help me with my melons.

I remind him about the time he bought me the milk & pizza base that I couldn’t get one time, I said something to him that day & he brought it out when he was meeting me for a lunch time fuck. “You are so fucking thoughtful & sweet” He really was sweet & thoughtful, I didn’t ask for it, I just said I was pissed my store didn’t have them & when I picked him up for lunch, I knew he felt weird as he sort of just threw them in the back seat, didn’t really say anything to me. It was the sweetest thing ever. He says “Pfft, I’m really a dick. Asshole apparently. Big asshole. Let’s not give your ex too much credit” I say “I always loved how much you loved when I popped my melons out of my dress in the back of the car… FUCK… Just remembering that look on your face when ever you saw me in lingerie or just naked…” He always made me feel like the sexiest thing alive, no one else has ever done that before or since. He tells me that I look fucking hot in lingerie.

I’m still on the asshole thing too “I get why you were an asshole. You felt backed into a corner. However you could’ve made different choices…. You were just stupid & manipulated… I guess because how much of a dick you were in groups etc, I never thought you’d be manipulated like that… At my expense.” He doesn’t reply to that but says that he’s at the gym & can’t get hard, I need to stop putting sexy thoughts in his head. I tell him that I still look hot in lingerie with a winky face… Fuck, why is it so easy to flirt with him? “Such an amazing sight when your tits were poking out in a dress …” He also says that any guy is missing out that isn’t admiring my hotness and lingerie. He says that his eyes couldn’t hide how he felt when I wore lingerie. He definitely tried not too show me that face but like he says that he’d be shit at poker. Neither of us have a poker face.

I show him the lingerie I was wearing the night Motocross & I didn’t fuck, I tell him that I want to show him me in it & he says that I’m a fucking tease. I tell him “I would. I want too. Remind you what you’re missing. You refused to look at me at the show… I couldn’t not look at you.” He says that he was scared to look at me – I guess cos he didn’t want her to see him looking at me. He says he’s not looking good but at the gym now. I wonder how he knew it was me at the show if he didn’t look then, I mean I know he’s said that he felt me, but how did he know. I felt him with every fibre of my being, but I honestly didn’t think he’d feel it too. He just he felt me, he even felt me before she said anything.

I ask him if he has a tattoo on his forearm & he says yes he has tattoos… Because of the way he replies, I think fuck they got stupid matching tattoos, but he says no, but got a couple on his arm, exactly like the Doppleganger. OMG they’re more alike every second! He talks about how he’s put on weight in the last 2 months but he’s been doing keto & trying to lose the weight. He then sends me pictures of his tattoos, I send him a picture of my new one that I got after we ended too, that’s on my side, I look skinny in the picture & I feel good about my tattoo. He just says looks nice & suits me. I tell him that he probably looks sexier with tattoos, I always wondered if he’d get some, I remember talking about it & I didn’t think he liked them but now he’s saying he wants a sleeve. OMG, what a turn around!

He says that he’s been told he looks sexier with tattoos, I almost roll my eyes, of course his partner now someone else wanted him, she’s telling him he looks good… She should’ve done that for the last 10 years! I get pissed off, I mean I used to tell him all the time he was sexy, had a big cock but he never believed me, she tells him & he believes her. “Why do you always do that? Believe others over me? I talked to you every day for over 14 months, Fucked you every week for over a year & yet, you always believe everyone else over me?!” Wouldn’t you believe the person who loves you the most? “BTW I’d just assumed you’d be happy and all moved on and have some fucking amazing guy for an amazing chick and you’d be long taken and no where on the app so yeah didn’t think I’d bump into you again. I believe you found me hot … I really do. I just thought I wasn’t good enough for you so kinda down played it ? I still don’t think I’m cool enough for you. I’m more than a self-confessed geek, I’m a fucking geek. Lol” Not this old chestnut.

#IBD4U

I’ve always wanted to get married. 100%, hands down, I always thought I would. I never thought I would be close to 40 (yes scarily, I am close to 40) & not even close to having been married. I definitely never thought that I would have only ever fallen in love once in my life either & only technically had one boyfriend. I’ve not always wanted kids of my own but I knew that I did want to get married, that I wanted that special day with the person I love – not that I knew what love was till recently. Maybe that’s why when I pictured my wedding day it changed a lot & the man would never have a face? He was always tall with dark hair in my fantasy, despite me loving blonde dudes, I have only ever had “relationships” with men with dark brown hair, ironically. But it was always about the wedding, not really what the wedding represented.

For my wedding, when I was younger, I always wanted the big white wedding, with the big poofy dress, I wanted that big day, with hundreds of people, lots of presents (from a gift registry that I got to walk around the store with a scanning gun!) & a giant 4 tiered cake. When I was Boyfriend, I thought about marrying him, of course – we owned a house together, I thought that the house was more of a commitment than a wedding to be perfectly honest. But I never really imagined anything but the wedding with him, I never thought about the marriage or what our life would be like, it was more about the wedding day & that special moment. However as I got older & older – with no marriage in sight, the dream changes a lot.

I’ve never really talked about a wedding before, my dream, my fantasy wedding – what I would do, what I picture, what I’d wear all that type of stuff. I didn’t picture a face on the man I wanted to marry until I met Silverlining. My dream changed when I met him & fell in love with him & started planning my marriage to him. My marriage, not wedding. It became this thing, it wasn’t about the wedding, I won’t deny I didn’t want a wedding because I did, I do. However, the dream was beyond the wedding day, I planned our life in my head post wedding. It wasn’t just about the immediate future, it was about our lives together & I think that’s when things change for me.

The wedding became, in my head only of course, a small intimate affair of only about 40 or 50 people, if not less than that. It would be at my – correction our house, that I own now, we would have done it up together, using the money we would’ve spent on a wedding, on renovating our dream house together. I know SilverLining told me ages ago that he wanted his wedding at a winery. I always thought this was weird being he doesn’t really drink wine, so I don’t dream of this wedding day at a winery – anyway this is my dream, not his. Hahaha.

To start off the day, I would wake up next to him, there would be none of this bad luck bullshit people go on about. We would start the day probably by fucking & getting ready together.

I would be at the event to greet the guests in a green dress, my hair long & curly with my white Jimmy Choos that I’ve never worn ($750 shoes in my wardrobe), he’d be there by my side, his hand on the small of my back as we had some canapes made by my talented cousin who has a catering business in Melbourne, I’d ask her to do everything food wise for me. As the sun was setting the twinkle lights would come on, I’d go get changed into my slim line gown which has a deep V in the front & back. Our celebrant would be my year 7 school teacher who I reconnected with on the cruise a few years ago, I have a photographer picked out who I’d bought a picture from at a flee market once & then I followed on Facebook for years – we would do no posed pictures only candid snaps, I hate all that shit of looking down at the bouquet, or worse the picture of the bride & groom kissing under her veil. OMG! NO.

Our cake would be a cheese wheel tower & a macaron tower of different green maraons. When the time came I would walk down the aisle to a song cannon in d major with both my parents by my side. His kids would be there of course, a little flower girl & page boy (whatever they’re called these days). Our families so proud & happy for us that we are truly happy together – especially his family that he is truly with someone supportive, loving & caring. He would kiss me when I got to the end of aisle, none of the traditional waiting till the end of the ceremony, I have been with him long enough, I don’t need to wait till the end of the ceremony to kiss him. I hate that awkward moment when the bride gets to her groom & they just stand there looking at each other, I want a moment with my soon to be husband. (Even though we’ve probably had sex this morning! & kissed a lot today. Hahaha)

During the ceremony we can’t take our eyes off each other, we are so in love, so in tune with each other, nothing else exists but us. He is looking at me just like she wants in that movie 27 Dresses. Like no one else in the world has ever looked so beautiful. We say those vows, vows we write for each other. It would be an amazing day. When we kiss again at the end when they say you may now kiss, I know I am kissing the last man that I am ever going to love. 

We would eat the cheese & macarons, with a live band that I had selected from my friends 40th birthday, she had her aunty & partner, a two piece, do some acoustic songs & I would have them as the music. There would be minimal speeches, both of us not wanting to have the day drained with the usual formalities of a wedding, no garter or bouquet toss. But there would be a first dance with my Husband. – OMG I love calling him my my husband. My song would come on from my favourite band Muse called Aftermath, it has a long intro & it’s sort of like a scene from a movie, where a guy is looking for someone in the crowd then they crowd parts & there she is… Well that would happen – of course, he’d ask me to dance & we’d dance to this song, he’d hold me close, I would know I am safe & with the man who truly loves me.

Here’s the song for those who like to listen while reading!

(The film clip is a bit weird, but listen to the words & it’s just beautiful.)

After everyone has gone & someone is baby sitting his kids, we’d go to the bedroom or hotel & make love the only way we know how, hot, hard, steamy, kinky & sexy. The kind of sex you all like to hear about, but of course it would be us connecting in the deepest way we can.

He would now be wearing a ring I gave him & I would be wearing his, the most sexy thing for me on a man is sometimes knowing he’ll wear a wedding ring. The rings mean something to me, I know it’s supposed to be a symbol of your love for one another & as corny as that it, I truly believe that wearing his ring is more than a symbol. I know he’ll wear the ring & be super proud to have me by his side for our marriage. The wedding day just a blip in our story but a day where we think of nothing else but each other, about what we’re committing to – what we’ve already committed too. Our lives are already intertwined, even though we don’t have kids together, we have built a family.
So I also dreamed of the honeymoon, as you all know I am a very keen traveller, I usually travel as a backpacker or something equally as cheap, never spending an extravagant amount on any sort of travel I do, however my honeymoon is different. I have always dreamed of going to Bora Bora. I hear it’s super expensive to go, but because we only care about the marriage, not the wedding day, we’ve saved enough to splurge on a week in Bora Bora, in a hut over the sea, that I wear nothing but a bikini & I feel so sexy because this man adores me & thinks I am the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. We’d have room service, cocktails & make kinky love everyday.

Now I know people cheat (obviously) – whoa, way to change the subject from that blissful romantic setting… But I know marriages fall apart – sometimes quickly, sometimes they take a while. I am not pretending it is, nor have not said the word “perfect” in this post at all. I don’t believe that anything is perfect, nor should it be. Our wedding day & marriage would be what we make it. But I genuinely believe that on your own wedding day regardless of anything that happens in the future with the marriage, on the wedding day you think of nothing else than your future with your partner in front of you – the person you want to spend your life with. Nothing else or no one else crosses your mind. The day is perfect in your eyes.

There is nothing more I wanted than to entwine my life with Silverlining & have him call me his wife. Not just because he doesn’t like the word Fiance, but because I am genuinely & legally his wife. Someone he can rely on, trust & be honest with – be equal with, a relationship that includes no games or manipulation. No lies, no tracking phones, no bullshit, open honest communication even when it hurts – we’re good at that because the make up sex is amazing.
I know that this post is all about what I want. I am obviously open to what he wants on the day, such as the winery idea however, this is just my dream, just me hopes for the day. Where ever we got married would be alright with me. We are committing to each other, to be really honest, if he wanted to elope or just do it at the registry office, I would do whatever he wanted.
Our life post wedding, wouldn’t be all roses & rainbows or good times… I know that! We are very different people, but we’ve adapted to living together prior to getting married, me with my neat freakishness & him with is hoarding messy lifestyle. But we work well together. We have his kids week on, week off – unfortunately that’s probably not been smooth sailing with his ex partner, but we make it work & we make sure his kids are in his life as much as possible. Making sure they are in her life too. I never want them to forget either parent.
We are a team. A unit. No hiding messages or deleting apps daily. We are who we want to be. We aren’t happy every day & we might fight sometimes, but we always are a partnership.

As the song goes ‘From this moment, you will never be alone, bound together, now & forever, the loneliness has gone.’

#IBD4U

Some of you get it & some of you don’t! Some of you are saying here we go again, some of you are excited like me about the prospect of this being more than another affair or just getting some answers or closure. I don’t know what it is going to be, if anything. But man oh man, I want to see Silverlining. But can I see him just once more & be ok? Will all those feelings come rushing back? I mean they are already back but if I see him will that change things? Will I be as in love with him as I once was? Would it change anything? Has the time apart changed anything?

I’ve made it no secret that I haven’t gotten over him & never will, he’s said the same to me too, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you that I am back here again, regardless of the reason, I am back here & I am fully prepared for what might happen.

Silverlining is still telling me what a burden he would’ve been on me, his debt, having to live with me rent free, his kids, He says that he has too much pride & is stubborn – this I know! He says that he was surprised that the chemistry came back so easily too, but that’s how he knew it was me he was talking too. I tell him that he wouldn’t have been rent free with me but we would’ve made it work, I was in no way going to pay off his debt for him but we would’ve worked it out. I tell him the kids weren’t a burden for me, as much as I don’t want kids of my own, I always pictured his kids with my family & living with us week on week off, if she allowed that, I guess. He says that it was nice seeing me that day with his kids. I tell him again that it wasn’t up to him to decide what I was willing to take on, I knew what I was in for, to be honest, the debt & kids were the least of the worries, what worried me more was the crazy woman who knows where I live & where he would be living. I didn’t care about the debt or child support, all that stuff is just part of life, but the nutso that would probably drive past when we had the kids or try to keep them from him would be the hardest struggle for both of us, however I was prepared for that. He tells me that he did make that decision for me, that it’s not my fault & I blame myself way too much, he has self-esteem issues, which I know he does. I say that if I hadn’t of been protecting myself & he knew that I was having fantasies about living with him then he I wouldn’t have any regrets. He says that he doesn’t think it would’ve changed anything, after she pulled the stunt, he pretty much says that he wasn’t going anywhere – not in those except words but I know because he’s said the same before.

Since he’s mentioned before that he read our emails again recently, I am reminded of the gifs & videos I sent to that email so that he could keep them & watch when ever he wanted being that he couldn’t save anything on his phone or anywhere else, this email was & is something she doesn’t know about. He says “Yep … The gifs omg … Let’s not talk about that … lol. I actually just got a semi thinking about them wtf” I laugh & remind me of the hottest one where I licked his cock from the balls to the tip & then sucked it in while in front of the mirror. All he replies with is my name. I literally burst out laughing & say his back. He says “Seriously. Shhhh. Just had to tuck my cock into my belt ffs” I haven’t thought about those pictures for a long time, having deleted everything off my phone, I still have it all on a USB in case something happened to me, my sister would have them but at least it wasn’t easy access in my cloud or something. I say that “We had some good times… White dress, car wash, you in your suit, pool table…. Hmmmm!” & I know what he is going to reply, it’s my name with extra letters of my name at the end like IBD4UUUUUUUU. “I’m going to have to jerk off to you next time bitch lol” I tell him that we were always very sexual & every time we fought we just fucked & it was ok. “lol seemed to solve our issues. Seriously tho … Don’t make me want to fuck you so bad lol” I know he’s added the lol because he wants it & is testing the waters with me, to see if I’d do it, without asking. Would I fuck him again? I’d definitely see him, which I’m pretty sure would lead to sex eventually, I think it’s inevitable to be honest with you, if we even meet for a genuine coffee (not that either of drink coffee). It’s not a good idea but I genuinely think about it.

I remind him about the one & only time we fucked in the car to the song Periscope. That I was desperate to tell him I was madly in love with him but even though we were nose to nose, sharing the most intimate thing a couple can do & listening to the song that made him realise he loved me & I couldn’t say it. He says “You should of told me. I do wish we had held hands … I’m surprised we never did. I tried to hold affection back so much from you. But lucky for you I always gave it to you“ He did always show me more affection than I showed him. I played with his hair sometimes in the car, but didn’t know if he liked it or not. He says he struggled but he did it. I struggled & obviously still struggle because I can’t show Motocross any affection. I tell him that the last day I ever saw him at my house & I was rubbing his back, that it took everything I had in me to do that. I tell him it was hard for me, I mean I was the other woman, always feeling never quite good enough, you know because if I was good enough, he would’ve left her. He says “Like I’m such a loser , I even went and got you a pack of cheezels once after fucking you” I remind him “That was like the sweetest thing ever… I loved that you did that.” He says that he didn’t want to get too attached, neither did I & he didn’t want me to get too attached, he says “Massive fail there” we both got attached, the cheezel thing was very early on, like only about the 4 or 5 time that we fucked. He says “I rubbed your back a lot … and clit.” I say that there isn’t a part of my body he hasn’t touched, he tells me not to talk about touching my body because his hard on just died down. Then he says “I loved the way you cummed … The way you squirted. Ok. It’s back again …” I say that he’s the only man I’ve ever looked in they eyes while fucking before. He says that he struggles with looking anyone in the eye & I remind him that we did, not early on but we did look at each other a lot, when I begged him to let me cum when he was teasing me, or the first time we came together on the couch, I said that was when I realised we were making love, even though the sex was hot, sexy & hard. “Fuck how early were we making love” He replies with an emoji. I say that I’ve never cum with another guy before at the same time, but I think we had feelings for each other before we even met. He says “Umm. I’d agree with that. There was a strong connection there. We really liked each other. It’s not often you cum with someone at the same time. That’s a rare connection. You can’t deny I didn’t love you now …” Yeah I guess so, that’s a rare connection but if I had it before with someone, which it sounds like he hasn’t, then I’d never want to give that up. I didn’t want to give that up. I say that clearly that connection is still present, but I just find it hard to believe he felt like I did if he was ok to give that connection up. He replies “Really because men don’t pack up there shit ready to leave their wife for no reason. Or for good sex… “ OMG I’m so sick of hearing he was leaving her for me… I snap “You did that cos she went through your phone & found messages (Saying he still loved me to someone else on the chat app) Not because you wanted to be with me” He can’t deny that. He wasn’t leaving her till his partner went through his phone & he hadn’t deleted the chat app. “It was the final nail in the coffin … Final push I needed. I wanted to be with you dumbass.” Yet he went back. “Things get complicated sometimes” But the truth is, he didn’t believe my love for him, that’s why he went back, now it’s his turn to snap “Would you shut the fuck up . It wasn’t that. Stop fucking blaming yourself.” I know that he was scared of losing his kids, there was no way after a stunt like that she’d get awarded custody. But he says that he didn’t want to take that risk “And now you know why I ghosted you because of this. *waves our connection around*” I actually laugh at the thought of him waving his hands around. He says he had to ghost me. I remind him how angry he got at me for suggesting that we ghost each other if the affair went pear shaped, he went nuts at me. “Well what do you expect , I was madly in love with love with you. And the only reason you wanted to do it was for the SAME EXACT reason. So don’t judge me” with a smiley emoji. I literally smile at the fact that he is now all uppity about it. He says it’s a bad idea what we’re doing right now. I still struggle to believe he’s thinking about me still after all this time, I ask what he thought of reading those emails, he says his standard “No comment” I tell him that I’m not accepting that & he says “You poured your fucking heart out. They are hard to read. But I know you loved me very much . More than I ever could have ever imagined. You talk about raising my kids , a wedding … I knew after those emails how much you loved me. Haha no sex was mentioned tho. But I found the gifs too” He tells me not to read the emails if I can help it, even with his lack of empathy they were hard for him to read. I tell him that I did want to marry him & have his kids in my life. He says that he knows. But I think he only knows because he re-read them, I’m glad he did because at the time, I know he would’ve just read them & his self esteem would’ve stopped him from believing anything contained in them, now that he has perspective, he can actually read the content without being negative about what was going on in his life. It’s actually a relief to be honest, regardless of what happens next, I am thankful he’s re-read them & thought about how I felt back then, how I still feel…

#IBD4U

It’s so true. No one will ever know what another person really goes through. As much as I share my intimate details here, you’re all objective when you think about what has happened with Silverlining. That’s easy, I’m completely objective & give the best advice when friends ask. However I am not objective here, I am seeing the ripped up dreams of being with the man I love quietly sticky tapped back together. If that becomes a reality or if I am set for another heart break, I don’t know. However, I don’t want any more regrets.

I say that the universe is fucked. FUCKING UNIVERSE! I mean it’s been a year, what does it mean to pull us together again as strangers? If it was as ourselves, in a park or supermarket or something, I don’t think it would mean as much, but the fact that we were strangers for 2 weeks before we admitted it was each other & saw each other at the show, I mean that fucking means something, but what?

I tell him “The thing that killed me the most was you sneaking into my house to get your stuff then saying ‘at least we got a kiss goodbye’ like fuck, I wanted to kill you. I saw your stuff gone & crumbled.” It was like a scene from a movie, I slid down a wall & howled. He had messaged to say that he got his stuff back so I knew it was gone, that he’d snuck into my house & took it but actually seeing it all gone when it was only here for less than 24 hours was an unbelievable sight. He says that he’s sorry that I had him so close “I felt so bad … You have no idea.”  I don’t think he felt bad at all, but he says that he struggles with empathy, which I knew already. He says that he didn’t cry when he was caught, he was upset that he was caught but not by what he’d done. “She thinks I’m a psychopath based on my actions … My lack of empathy , I didn’t care I had cheated on her.” I don’t believe this, I mean I know he doesn’t show emotion & I was always surprised that he even could say that he loved me based on his childhood but he didn’t give a shit what happened to me, but cared about what happened to her, he says “Yet I ended up at your house with all my stuff … So did I really care that much about her. I give a shit, gave a shit. I struggle with empathy, not my strongest point. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love you or care for you.” I am angry again. “You ended up here because you didn’t want your family to know & you used me that day… It was never about actually wanting to be with me. Was convenient. & as always, I was available for you.” He tells me that he didn’t use me that day – which he’s told me before when I said similar, that he isn’t lying after all the time. He asks if I know how hard it was for him to tell me that he loved me or that he was breaking up with his partner of 10 years which is why I fucking snap “You should’ve stayed home, broken up with her then come to me. You can see it your own way Silverlining, but you used me!” I get the predicament he was in, but they were texting non-stop & when he put his phone down to pay me some attention, she called him incessantly, it’d ring out then she’d call again & again until he replied to her texts, all day while he was at my house. He never answered her calls, except by accident & she was sobbing. It pissed me off because he brought the kids to my house & I looked after the 2 month old baby while he messaged her – all fucking day. His reply hits me “If all this is true why do you still love me?”  While I 100% can answer this, I know why I still love him, it still knocks me for a six. “I know it must’ve been hard because it was hard for me to say it too… So fucking hard that I used the stupid heart emoji all the time. Because I can’t just turn off how I feel about you because you hurt me…. It was epic for me. Absolutely changed my life & who I am.”

I always used the heart emoji instead of the word love because I didn’t want to get too involved with him, because we both knew it was wrong, but I one day thought that our love would conquer all the bullshit & we would be together. He says “I had no idea how much you loved me , I knew you loved me. And I knew that you knew I loved you. I just assumed I had made you loveable , and equipped you with the emotional skills and sexyness to easily move on and you’d be fine. My god you were sexy. And I opened you up and know I made you feel capable of love … and being loved. I saw it in your eyes when you saw me … It was also the cause of frustration towards the end.” I knew he didn’t realise how much I loved him, it’s my regret for not telling him more, knowing he needed to hear it, also I needed to say it, just as much as he needed to hear it, I needed to say it to remind myself that this was something special for both of us.

I tell him that I know he didn’t believed how much I loved him, because I didn’t say it. But I was protecting myself & also I was really scared because I knew that with his self-esteem issues that make him believe that people don’t care for him, (I know that sounds narcissistic, but you don’t know his full story – so while I agree he is a narcissist sometimes, there are some reasons behind it.) when push came to shove, he wouldn’t believe my love for him, he says that he knows I loved him but he realises now that he didn’t know how much, because I held that back – protecting myself. Have I done this with others like Noddy or Motocross? Then they pull away because I don’t give too much of myself? I’ve been single a long time, Silverlining knows that I am set in my ways, that always scared him too. Maybe that scares others too?!

I also tell him that I felt like I loved him more than he loved me, I mean he had a whole other life with a partner & kids, that I felt like I was more in it than he was, I mean he always said he wouldn’t leave here. I curse the fact that I never told him face to face & tell him that I regret that more than he would believe. He says that he knew I loved him even though I didn’t say it, “I just thought I was the idiot who loved you more. I had no idea you were also having fantasies of us living together… You have no idea how much I pictured it while I was at our house.”  FUCK, would things be different if I opened up? Perhaps, perhaps not, but I wish I wasn’t so closed & now I’m thinking I’m too closed with Motocross… Would things be different with Motocross if I just asked the awkward questions & opened up? Is it too late for a happy ending with Motocross?! Or would the be the same because he’s a douche?

I tell Silverlining that I pictured him & his kids here on a Sunday night when I was with my nieces & nephews who are about the same age, I imagined them playing together. I tell him that I wanted him more than I wanted anything, that it hurt me when he used me being clean & tidy as one of the reasons not to be with me. He says that it was his children that influenced his decision more than anything – which I knew & understood. They were part of the reason I stopped emailing him too. He looked at every negative aspect that he would have on my life & tried to convince himself that he wasn’t good enough for me. “That’s not your fault. It’s mine” I just can’t help but wonder, if I had been more open about wanting him in my life, if I had of been more open about telling him how much I love him, would things have gone down differently? Or would they be there same but with less regret & therefore no need to talk to him now? He says that he didn’t want to burden me, he didn’t want to scab off me, he felt like all the debt he had would do that to me. I tell him that I have some restraint that I didn’t tell the stranger everything when he asks why I didn’t say this to him, he says “You’re good with restraints”  & just like that we’re back to being flirty & cheeky, just like we were. He says he can’t believe that I can flirt with him after everything, I reply “I flirt because we have stupid insane chemistry. I can’t help it. If you asked to meet me, I probably would. Your my drug, I’m a junkie. I can’t resist.”

And just like Alice…

I fall down the rabbit hole once more.

#IBD4U

I will be honest with you (which I always am way too honest here but you know what I mean, hahaha) I struggled so much with the decision to write the Silverlining chapters of my #IBD4U story. It’s not easy writing about something when you know what has actually happend in real life. Good or bad. So I wasn’t going to write about this at all – gloss over it, skip a few months, especially since I know the reaction from some readers already. This is going to be hard for some of you to read now we know who he is, this is going to be hard for me to write, this is just going to be hard – moving forward! But remember, you are reading my diary, none of us can change it! This is emotional for me too, I have been through a lot, not only with Silverlining in the past, but think about all the douches I have dated since, no winder I am still in love with him.Imagine being my friend in real life & living this shit with me?! How many said what you have said in the comments on Facebook. I lied to a lot of people about chatting to him again, about wanting to see him again, wanting to kiss him again, wanting to tell him I love him to his face. For an oversharer like me, as you can may have been able to tell, I am pretty much like this in real life, I dominate conversations & talk about myself a lot (not on purpose, but I have a lot of stories). I don’t often go into as much detail in real life, depending on the audience, but I generally am very open. So lying – not actually lying, but not telling the whole story, to people close to me at this time, is not at all in my nature. I hate it. & maybe that should be a sign that I am questioning what I am doing or know that it is not right. However, nothing has ever felt as good as being in love with Silverlining. No matter how heartbreaking it was, those 18 months with him were some of the best times of my life. Admitting I love him still is so fucking hard, I mean, I don’t want to love him after what has happened, but that fucking heart of mine was opened & now I can’t close it to him!He tells me that he avoided anything on the anonymous app that resembled me, I tell him that I haven’t used the app in months in fear of seeing him, especially since I just assume that he’s happy & over me. “I will never get over you but anyways” FUCK! Why is he still with her if that’s the case?! I tell him that it’s almost 12 months to the day since we stopped emailing, he says that he’s been reading them recently & suggests I don’t read them again if I can help it, that they’re really hard to read.He asks when I worked out it was him, I had my suspicions from the first message when he said something about squirting like a porn star, no one has ever used that phrase with me before. He says he could tell from the first conversation with me but not the first message – he said he never 100% knew but was suspicious, I mean I didn’t know for sure either, but I was super suspicious & was lured in right away. I tell him that I just knew it was him after I saw him at the show, I just knew, but I wanted him to expose himself before I said who I was but I could tell from the times he was online that it was him, it was blatantly obvious.I say that I was glad to get some stuff off my chest that he couldn’t really respond too without telling me who he is, he even says that I got mad when he told me who he was. Well of course I did! I was fucking furious that he has catfished me! I mean he had a massive go at me for apparently doing it to him & chatting to his partner, I mean how dare he do it to me & it be ok! Although I suppose I did know it was him too, but I was 100% myself. Spilling the beans about my Epic Love.But stupidly I have calmed down a bit about the catfishing, I mean this is the man I love – despite what I should be feeling, he makes me fucking angry & calm all at the same time. I tell him that I noticed it was him because of how the commas aren’t ever against the word, there’s always a space, he says he doesn’t know how that happens but he also noticed that I would stop chatting or not reply when I knew he was offline. I tell him that I was never going to admit it was me, I am stubborn, I know he is too so I’m not sure why he’s always the first one to admit it, he even says “Eh someone had to admit the truth and it’s always me first” Yeah because I didn’t want to stop talking to him just yet, I know we need to stop but not just yet! I tell him that I needed him to know somethings about how I feel about us & he says that he has some demons about what happened with us too, so I’m not alone. I also tell him that it was obvious how he kept calling me a loser all the time, he always did that & did that a lot while pretending to give me advice about Motocross. He said he tried not to call me a loser because he knew that was a dead giveaway, which it was, I mean some of the phrases he used, you wouldn’t use with a stranger, but only with someone you knew intimately. He made it obvious that it was him.He laughs about trying to back out once I pretended that I didn’t know what he meant. He says that he tried to back out because he genuinely thought I didn’t realise that it was him.I open up “A year later after we stopped emailing, you are still trolling online for something… It fucking hurts me deeply to know you’re not 100% happy & never will be with her. I knew you knew it was me, so wanted you to think I’d moved on… I’ve told you I’m emotionally retarded. You knew this from day one with me. Was never a secret. Who wants to be the loser still pinning for their married ex whatever, a year & a half after he broke your heart?” I am hurt, I am distraught that he is looking for a connection online, whatever that connection is, he is looking for something & the fact that he’s not coming to me for that hurts. I mean I get that we said we wanted to be friends but lets face it, that never works & we would never be able to be friends. As much as I want him in my life, I don’t think I can just be friends with him. He says he’s not trolling online, but filling time at work. (We talk about our work issues later so I realise that this is exactly what he is doing. Filling time, just like I am.)I ask him “Why is it always so hard for you to realise my feelings for you?” he says that he doesn’t find it hard – which I call bull shit but he says “Why is it so hard to realize yours for me?” FUCK! I tell him that I do know my feelings for him, I mean I am always thinking about my fucking feelings for him! They are always in the forefront of my mind, they are always in my heart, hurting me every time I think about not being with him. He asks “Why do you not think I epically loved you? I loved you so much #IBD4U and it got to the point where I couldn’t hide it from you even know I knew I was meant to. And I will always love you. It’s something that will never go away.” Now is the time to get some other things off my chest, he’s talking consistently with me, I don’t know how much longer it will last, I mean this morning he revealed himself, tomorrow he may not log back on after this or worse he might ghost me… I don’t know what will happen but we still have things to say. I am angry again that he says he’ll always love me, I say “You said to me that you’d never let me walk away, that you were into deep… The first test & you let me walk. I don’t care about the excuses why, if it was epic for you as it was for me then you never would’ve let it go. There was always some doubt about me for you, which is why you chose the way you did…” He tells me what I need to hear & stupidly I know it’s probably bullshit, that this man is a smooth talker, but he tells me “It was a series of unfortunate events and the situation I was in that lead me to the path I took. It was never you. I wish you never blamed yourself. And you had me so close its funny. You had my bags in your house …” & my reply to him, “That’s what hurts the most”, it’s so excruciating knowing how close I was to my potential happy ever after & he tried to change the subject by saying that people will kill me for talking to him – yeah they probably will… “People never understood why I loved you… Especially after what you did to me… No one understands what we went through, besides us… No one will ever understand why I need to talk to you now… I don’t think you even will fully understand it. But I think you need to talk to me too… We both knew it was each other & made no attempts to stop talking.”

#IBD4U

This is a bit premature in the story timeline with Silverlining but I know you all want a Motocross post to find out what is happening with him! So this is a shorter one, because I don’t want to give too much away but you need some answers to your questions! Hahaha.

My family don’t end up coming over on Sunday so I send Motocross a text being that I sort of expected to hear from him later in the evening about when he is coming over, he hasn’t ever bailed or not come over when he said he would, he’s been quite consistent and regular actually, why would tonight be any different?! What woman at this point, wouldn’t think this is going somewhere?! I’m not sure what men are thinking, I do have some male readers & would love your opinion of this guy, is Silverlining right about Motocross?

I leave it till really late in the afternoon to message him. “Hey, my family isn’t coming over tonight… If you’re keen to catch up earlier tonight” He replies that he’s just about to finish his last ride (WHAT?!) & he’ll come after that. Even his lies are getting confused, wasn’t he in Darwin this weekend? Now is he trying to say that he’s been riding at the show? Because the rides were much later than this when I went to the show last weekend. Fuck, I have to get to the bottom of this. Ok so tonight is the night, I am going to ask him some questions I need to find out what the deal is with this dude because honestly, it’s doing my head in.

At 6:30 pm he comes over, no kiss, ho hug hello, as usual we sit on the opposite ends of the couch & he talks at nauseum about his cousin who had a stroke, he talks about Melbourne & his trip there but not his trip to Darwin, he talks so much oddly – the most he’s ever talked really, in detail & genuinely seems sad about what’s going on in his life, that I just don’t get to ask him anything about us (for lack of a better word), I know you all hate me for not doing so, I hate me too, I mean I deserve some answers to my questions, however, how can I ask what the fuck is going on when he has talked at length about his cousin who is possibly dying, who is my age?! FUCK. Motocross sort of finally opening up… When he isn’t talking about his cousin, he’s asking me about my trip to Brisbane. Like he knows I am going to ask him questions. He asks where I am staying, what I’m doing there & how long I am going to be there, so many questions & the way he asks, almost like he is hinting for an invitation.

When he finally stops talking, he makes a move on me & we kiss. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 weeks – which is like a lifetime for me but we have seen each other a fair few times so I’m still not sure what the whole no sex thing is about. The sex isn’t that great tonight to be honest. He doesn’t even seem to get as hard as he usually does, I don’t even cum – not bothering to even try at this point. But lying there afterwards he says that he felt revirginised. I assume that’s a good thing that he now feels no longer like a virgin?! I mean he’s seen me, we could’ve had sex, it’s not like I’ve been turning him down!

I get up quicker than I usually would, I tend to wait for the guy to make the move to leave, but this time I am actually over this guy… I mean what is his deal, he didn’t get that hard, he doesn’t seem interested, I now know that Silverlining is Noodle, I am done trying to work out what Motocross wants. I don’t know what is going to happen with Silverlining, but I know that I don’t ever want a relationship like Motocross is offering me.

I stand in front of the heater, in the most unsexy pjs I could find & bend over (I don’t remember why now, but I remember bending over – probably warming up my hands) I also recall with Boyfriend every time I bent over to do something mundane like pack our dishwasher, he would dry hump me from behind, I always thought it was weird & didn’t understand it – I guess because it was the first time I had lived with a man. Now I know that this is what men do, even if you’ve just fucked them, that it’s now weird when I bend over & a guy I’m with doesn’t dry hump my ass from behind with a boyish giggle.

As I stand up though, Motocross comes up behind me like he knows that I am not feeling this with him or something, he hugs be from behind & I find myself leaning back into him. FUCK. He says goodbye & walks to the door hugging me again a goodbye saying he’ll message me tomorrow. I laugh & he says what. I mean I’ve had this conversation with him before. I have told him not to say he’ll message if he’s not going too because I will wait for the message like a loser. So tonight I just say you won’t message so don’t say you will. He says he will, I roll my eyes knowing he won’t & by 11:30 pm he is gone.

I am now on holidays for three weeks from work, just for some time off & to go to Brisbane to visit my friends. I have to go into work to do some things on the Monday & I wait for him to message – all fucking day, you guessed it, I never get a message. I am honestly going to just let him go, but when “Spoiler Alert” I organise to catch up with Silverling & it doesn’t happen (story to come obviously) I feel shit about myself & text Motocross “Hey, thanks for the message yesterday hahaha. Just wondering what you’re up too? My friend just bailed on lunch & I’m now just sitting at home. Wondered if you’re free?” I’m dressed, I look pretty, why waste it?! He replies 20 minutes later saying “Hey Yeeah actually through about it last night but was to late to message I thought. I’m doing supercross testing today with me mechanic. I’m sorry I’m not free tho” I don’t reply, which maybe I should’ve but I don’t & then I don’t hear from him again.

But again feeling sorry for myself, later in the week when my family are leaving & ask how his week was. He says that he’s had a good week & flying home tomorrow, meaning he’s not in Adelaide to see me like he usually does. I tell him that I go away Wednesday afternoon that if he would like to catch up before I go, to let me know. He replies the next say saying we’ll see how we go. I am like you’re a fuckwit Motocross I’m done with this so I write back “Well, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to catch up, I’m not going to keep making all the plans.” I expect that I’ll never hear from him again, but when my phone starts buzzing 30 minutes later, it’s fucking Motocross! WHAT THE FUCK does he want?! We chat for a bit & he says that he really wants to catch up but he’s not in Adelaide at the moment, he apologises & seems sincere then he says that he ‘was going to surprise my in Brisbane.’ Stupidly, I am a fuck wit who smiles like a wanker, then gives out my itinerary. So he didn’t need to call, that was his out to ghost me, so surely this guy is sincere?

OMG, he’s going to come ‘surprise’ me in Brisbane, this is so exciting! I start thinking about how the logistics of this will work… Am I just a loser thinking he will actually come?!

#IBD4U

I know Silverlining (As he will now be called because I can’t handle calling him Noodle anymore) has two kids with this woman, but how is it ever ok that you have to stop your partner from going to someone else’s house with the intent to harm them? Or calling them a crazy bitch when you have chosen to stay with her!? How can he even want to be with someone like that? How can she want to be with someone like him? How can I even want to be with someone like him? I get that I fucked her partner very regularly for 18 months & after she found out about us we still talked for a further 6 months (which I’m not sure she knows that part but surely she has to know that he didn’t just cut someone off she knows he loved cold turkey), but I am not the enemy here. He did that to her, I didn’t have any commitment to her, I have no ties with her, I have never lied to her, I don’t even know her. HE is the one committed to her, disrespecting & betraying her.

This is the part of cheating I hate & don’t think I could get over – to think about what he might be saying about me. I can’t honestly say that if it wasn’t me cheating with Silverlining 18 months ago, it would have been someone else, I do believe he is loyal & not a player, that we got caught up in it by having that chemistry online, I don’t think he genuinely was looking to actually cheat on her. I mean he could’ve had multiple affairs with people on the chat app while seeing me but didn’t & I stopped seeing other people too because of our where our relationship went, our chemistry & our passion. I mean I also hate to think about what Silverlining has told his partner about me, I mean he says he’s told her as little as possible but I’m assuming if he’s calling the woman he’s been with for 10 years a crazy bitch, imagine what he’s saying about me to her!?

I am very well aware of what I should do, what you all will tell me to do in the comments on Facebook after you’ve read this. Some of you get it though, some of you don’t understand the pull I have with him that I need to see this through, I don’t know what might happen at this point, but I have to at least talk to him & get some answers, get some closure maybe? I will own everything I do, I don’t share my story for your judgement or your recommendations, but I want you all to know, I am not perfect, Silverlining is not perfect. Nothing is perfect, I make mistakes & I’m almost sure that what ever happens here is going to be a mistake, but sometimes, we need to make mistakes. Motocross is being a weirdo, I have no idea what his game is & here the universe has brought back the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I am still in love with. I know that you all think he’s a dick & hate him… There are personal things I won’t ever share on here about him & I, (I know that seems ridiculous since I talked about our sex life so much, but that’s not as intimate as peoples deep dark secrets) I mean to be honest, posting on the blog about someone you’re talking too is so fucking hard! I was posting the Noodle series when I am talking to him in real life last September & it freaks me out that he’ll find it & read it & hate me for this outlet (Which I know you will all say not to worry but I have shared some pretty intimate details that I can’t take back now.) A guy friend once said to me never to tell anyone ever about this blog, so take it to the grave.

Now I’m scared about posting about him the first time & him finding out about it while talking to me the second time… If he found out when weren’t talking, it’s no big deal but he is back in my life for some reason. A reason that might not be good, I don’t know however he is back & that means something… But I am fucking angry at him, he tells me over & over that he protected me as much as he could. I get more & more furious saying he wouldn’t have to protect me if he didn’t show her where I lived. I tell him he’s deluded if he thinks bring a mentally ill person to my house is protecting me, he apologises & backs down knowing I am right “She manipulated me and wanted to make a point to you. She gave me an ultimatum, I avoided it and didn’t want to do it.” He did fucking not avoid it, he could’ve got his stuff on the way to pick her up in the morning, he could’ve got his stuff back via my sister or just let it go. She wanted him to hurt me & it worked, he did. I ask what the ultimatum was but I already know what he’s going to say “I have to get my shit back on the way back from the hospital otherwise she’s gone with the kids” I tell him that she wouldn’t have gotten custody of the kids anyway, she just pulled a stunt & landed in hospital, to be honest I was super surprised she got out that quickly. He genuinely says sorry about what he did to me, he was under a lot of pressure which I get, I mean she’s not mentally stable, he felt trapped. I tell him that this is why I doubt what we had & how he felt, he just told me himself that men lie, I tell him that he lied to her, me & that I’m 100% sure he used me for sex for a year. He says that “We have always been too honest with each other. I don’t need to lie to you to feel better about myself. I never used you for sex. I fucking loved you. I enjoyed sitting in the car talking to you more than I enjoyed fucking you. I thought about you every moment, you were my fucking world. And I got so fucking close to leaving for you , I had my shit and my kids in your house. I never used you for sex. We were friends before we had sex.” I know what you’re all thinking, what a manipulator he is, how he’s boosting his own ego… But even as ice queen #IBD4U, I melt a little bit, I am literally even more hurt from these comments “Yeah so close, yet so far… You ere so scared of being alone.” He says that he’s not scared about being alone but he thinks of me all the fucking time but he also just thinks I am fucking everyone. I say “Just as a side note, you look fucking amazing… I hope she tells you everyday.” He says he thinks he looks the same & says that I am amazing, I shouldn’t doubt myself. I tell him that when I saw him at the show, he looked good & I wish I told him more. “I hate that I always wrote I ♥ you. I should’ve told you every single time we saw each other. We said it once face to face… Once. I still see your expression when you said it to me that day at my house while holding the baby.” He says that the knows what the heart meant, but like I said it’s one of my regrets with him, I know he knew what it meant, but remember the movie Ghost, when Patrick Swazye only every says ditto?! She knew he loved her but she needed to hear it. Silverlining, always needed that reassurance, I should’ve known better, he needed to hear it.

He says that the thinks he’s fatter than ever, but I say he’s definitely not looking fatter. He says that he didn’t look at me because he felt me over there & thought it would be too hard to see me, but she asked him right away if it was me, which he denied seeing me, she was apparently shitty for about an hour & then he told her she was being paranoid – WOW. But she had also said in the carpark when they got there that they were going to see me. How odd, I mean I didn’t even know I was going when I was still lying in bed chatting to him on the app… So weird that she felt like she was going to see me too! But he says that it happens all the time, she freaks out & says that she just saw #IDB4U (But actually uses my name!) I tell him that I haven’t eaten, stress does that to me & I lost 10kgs when we ended the first time, that I’ve lost a couple of kgs since chatting to him & seeing him at the show, however work is my main stressor at the moment, which is causing me to only be able to eat, as my boss calls my breakfast sludge. An avocado smoothie. The only way I can force myself to eat something.

He says that he’s going through some stuff at work too but he’s been eating a lot & his pants are too tight now. I tell him that I was shaking like a leaf at the show after I saw him & was freaking out that I’d see him again, but I knew that he wouldn’t have stayed for the fireworks, I felt like he’d gone home & so I checked the app & sure enough he had messaged me, so I knew he was home. “Can you do me a favour and get something tasty to eat for lunch” FUCK! He still cares, I mean I know this is fucked, but fuck, the fact that he’s worried about me, makes me fucking melt a little more. I tell him how good my mum was at the show when I was shaking & couldn’t eat, he asks what my sister says about it. I just say that she told me to stop talking to this guy whoever he is, Silverlining says “You shouldn’t be talking to me” I say that I am hyped up unable to eat because I am scared he’s going to ghost me again that it makes my tummy churn. “You shouldn’t be talking to me either…” We really need to stop, not chat… “Nope but yet here we are. #IBD4U Fuck me. Not literally… But fuck… Time is meant to heal“ Well we all know, it doesn’t… I tell him that he was the one that chose to end it badly, it was only a matter of time before we were drawn back together, especially if he is still online. “You really love me that much still?” I want to reply no, I want to tell him he’s an asshole that I hate his guts. I want to hate his guts, I want to hate everything about him but I just fucking don’t. I wish I did, I know this is stupid but I can’t stop my fingers from typing “As much as I don’t want too, yeah I do love you.”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

So I know I asked what post you wanted on Facebook last night, I was going to leave you all hanging with what the fuck is going on here with Silverlining, but this post fits better in with the timeline, so I have to give you this story first before a Motocross post – but I have made it longer for you! I am dying to tell you both at the same time, trust me, I want you all to know, however I do need to build up some intrigue! But it’s seriously like someone is having a good ol laugh when it comes to the story of my life!

That message… My breath catches… I can’t even think straight right now… I stare at that last message from Silverlining for about 20 minutes… “At what point do we stop pretending” Yeah… What does that even mean? Does it mean that it’s Noodle? My heart starts beating like a maniac. I mean is he finally going to say who he is? I thought he was stubborn?! Hahaha, I knew he would crack first… Should I play dumb? Should I tell him who I am?

I gather up some of my equilibrium & actually form a reasonable response – even though I am a little angry at him for his messages prior to the reveal. “For the record, I didn’t mention my ex then, you did. & yes while he’s a lot of my problem, which I don’t usually talk about, it’s also the ‘desperation’ (for lack of a better word) to be treated better too. Find a partner, like you said, I do want companionship. Since my ex I’ve been with a lot of men, 3-4 stand out idiots which make me think about what I had with him. Which wasn’t entirely good with my ex but at least it was real. I’m not really that forgiving, but I’m trying not to be so judgey of MC, yeah this guy lied, but he was at my house, it’s not like he lied to not see me… That would be douchy & I’d be pissed but he was actually sitting next to me when he lied… The other stuff is weird but he’s still been seeing me. Maybe it is his self-preservation, not wanting to get to close so didn’t want to text all the time so pretended his phone was fucked. Is it really that bad?” Reading back on that message I am thinking really #IBD4U, fucking hell! Yes it’s that bad that he was sitting on your couch lying to your face!! FUCKING HELL…

I don’t know how else to respond to Silverlining’s potential reveal so I just send “Pretending?!” with a questioning emoji. No fucking way am I am giving away my identity first! He can fucking tell me who he is! He writes back “Sorry that was meant for someone else lol” WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT! “I don’t think it was meant for someone else” he says that he got the conversations mixed up, I know this is fucking bullshit… “I’m sure you’re pretending with me.” I am getting ready for the gym, barely able to go, thinking that this will be over with Silverlining by the end of the day when we reveal our true selves. He says “I’ve noticed a pattern…..” What pattern is that Silverlining?! I tell him that I have been 100% honest with him, too honest in fact, when he asks if I am pretending with him. I ask what he’s talking to other people on the app about, he says catfishing. I reply “Yeah I know I’m being catfished” Fuck as if I didn’t know the first fucking day we started chatting. I am actually also over being catfished by him, it’s been almost 2 weeks of chatting with this guy, I need to know who the fuck he is! If this is Noodle, I am going to be furious that he has catfished me after having a go at me for apparently catfishing him & his partner. “I haven’t catfished you. At no point have I pretended to be someone I’m not. If I knew from the start I probably would of worked on projecting a fakeness to my online personality. Funny how the universe works sometimes tho. Fuck we are both so young tho” I forget to ask him because I am so riled up by these messages, but assume he means dumb not young. IT’S FUCKING NOODLE! “I know you haven’t pretended. I can tell. The universe is fucked.” FUUUUCCCKKKKKK!

“Well I can see you didn’t hide on the app so clearly you wanted to be found (not the post) well at one stage. Not sure why you would ask someone from advice that would have such a fucking … and I mean fucking massive conflict of interest.” He tells me that my pattern was using … at the end of everything & the timing – I’m not sure how the timing would be different for me, I mean I can message 24/7 if I wanted too, I’m fucking single, I can do what I want! He was the one who logged off & I could tell by his times online, expect when he threw in a random message to confuse me. He adds, “I do mean everything I said about your ex. Nothing was your fault. Ever. You blame yourself way too much.” Yeah I know I do, but fuck, there are a lot of things I would do differently. I reply “I never wanted to be found by you. I don’t use the app a lot at all. You’re the one who replied to me knowing me who I am. I never changed the way I type or how I talk. So it was not a pattern, it’s who I am & how I type. I never hid from you who I am. Interestingly after accusing me of catfishing you & your partner many months ago, you now do it to me to get intimate details from me. Definitely funny how the universe works… Pulls us together again, yet again.” FUCK.

He sends 28 messages in a row while I’m at bootcamp, fucking hell, I know this is dumb, but I can tell he has a lot to say & now we’ve revealed our identities – without really identifying ourselves, I can see that he’s also scared, like I am that one of us is going to ghost the other… “I had no idea it was you. No fucking idea. I avoided anything that resembled you. Anything in your age group. Banter Queen was really obvious you. Never catfished you intentionally. I knew the worse thing I could do was message you. It obviously became very clear who you are. How fucked is our chemistry even as strangers on the anonymous app. Who were both hiding our identities via name changes and age changes. I honestly swear to fucking god I had no idea it was you. I still fucking love you , you twat , I can’t be friends with you. It has killed me so much knowing how much I have fucked you up. I haven’t been able to sleep at night knowing how much I have fucking hurt you. You needed me to know how much I fucking hurt you. If I knew it was you I would of never , ever messaged you. I ghosted for a reason. It because I knew how much it would hurt me. And worse still, how much I’ve hurt you. And it’s even more fucked I know. It was so much easier thinking you would of moved on by now. 3 Shrinks, I feel terrible! So fucking terrible. Now I know we will never be together as I don’t expect you to wait for me , but don’t you ever deny that I fucking loved you. I have never in my life heard a love song and thought of a person , I did that while seeing you , and the fucked thing is I still do it now. It was always 2 ways , don’t you forget who said it to you first. Don’t you forget who admitted you were really my girlfriend at the end of it.” OH MY FUCKING BLOODY MOTHERFUCKER GOD! I don’t even know what to say to those 28 messages – he still loves me?! Really… I’m still fucking in love with him too, but I am not going to fucking say it. I am furious! He still thinks about me when he hears love songs?! I mean I do too, but fuck I never knew he would too!!

But I am still furious, About so many things here, mainly about the fact that he’s still in love with me & still with her! FUCKING HELL. I know this chat with him will end soon now knowing who we are. We can’t continue to talk like we have been, I mean we’ve gotten back into a texting every day pattern at this point. But I still have things to say but I am angry as fuck. I tell him that I am not Banter Queen, whoever she is, I have hardly ever used the app, I mean since seeing Motocross for the last 3 months, I haven’t been online much at all until he started being weird. I say that I have seen him post & chat on the anonymous app & usually I will stop chatting to someone that resembles him “But after I saw you walk past me at the show last week, I couldn’t stop chatting to this “app guy”… Thinking you were Noodle. But not really believing it. I was like no, he wouldn’t do that to me… Surely… Especially after blaming me for doing it when I hadn’t.” I have to know if he saw me at the show, what he thought, if she saw me. I tell him that I told him all that stuff because I needed him to know, after we stopped emailing, I still had things to say & I say that I assume that he’ll stop talking to me now. He tells me what I already know that I was talking to him before the show “And you want to know something absolutely fucked. I felt you at the show but didn’t see you. I knew it was you. Unfortunately so did she but that’s another story for another day.” I say that I saw him & so glad (eyes rolling) that his partner recognised me, I thank him for showing her what I look like – fucking asshole. He tells me that “She stalked your ass don’t you worry” oh Jesus! Really?! He says that she figured out some ‘trick’ to find me & look at my photos on Facebook. Well everything is private, so fuck knows what this trick is. He says “As soon as I felt you she asked me if I saw you, which I didn’t and denied it would of been you.” For someone that’s self-confessed super geeky, he tells me that she has a trick that he doesn’t know what, on how she can hack Facebook & see everything I have that is private?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… This is hilarious! So I am 100% certain this is a lie – when I reinvigorated this blog in 2018, I posted once, only ONCE on my Facebook wall about it. If she had this ‘trick’, she would know about my blog, I know she wouldn’t be able to ignore it & she wouldn’t be able to keep it in, she’d tell him & he would probably not be talking to me… They both would have read it, she’d probably leave him, knowing the real story, surely & he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Therefore, there is no trick for hacking Facebook, if there is, please email me about it, because I don’t believe this bullshit she spins.

I had changed my name back to my real name with my middle name as my surname on Facebook – pretty much like everyone these days, but he tells me that she thinks that my last name is what I have up on Facebook – at least she doesn’t know my real surname. He said I used to be hidden on Facebook & even he couldn’t find me but she has & said that she used to look at my photos every single day for months. I ask how he can be ok with that, I am fucking angry that I was told I wasn’t allowed to message his phone or contact him, but she’s allowed to stalk my fucking Facebook?! FUCKING HELL I AM ANGRY! All he says is “I had an affair what can I do” Um, well Noodle you can fucking protect your mistress like you said you would!!!!!

He says that he’s sure I wanted to know what she looked like the whole time we were fucking but I tell him I knew pretty early on anyway, yeah I had looked her up, but not fucking daily to look at what?! The same pictures, I saw what she looked like, I didn’t need to keep looking. She knows what I look like, why keep looking?! She got him to stay with her, why does she need to keep thinking about me & stalking me? He says that she’s shit at computers so he’s not sure how she figured it out. I am so angry, fuck! “You had an affair & didn’t + don’t protect the person you apparently loved?!” I tell him that I actually used to shop in her shop being it’s the closest one to my house before he told me she worked there. Of course I knew what she looked like. Once he told me her name, I blocked her on Instagram, but stupidly not on Facebook. I’m not sure why. He says that he protected me more I think, yeah right he did… She didn’t know my real name until Sweetie told her my real name wasn’t what he said, why didn’t he say another fucking fake name?! He didn’t protect me at all “She knows where I live & what I look like, she knows my name & what I do as a job… She also knew what size I was… I mean what didn’t you tell her?” I mean there wasn’t much else he could protect me from “I protected you the best I could in the situation I was placed in” I remind him that she even had a fucking phone number, my work number which she wrote down wrong anyway, but she had a phone number. He says that he never gave her the number but lucky she fucked it up after finding it on the iPad, that she never came to my work or my house to shame me – OMG, is he serious?! She would’ve be able to do that if he didn’t give her that information. I am fucking angry, having a major go at him for bringing her to my house & taking his stuff like a thief in the night “Do you have any idea how that felt?! Coming home to your shit gone after everything I did for you & finding a note from her in my letterbox?” There is nothing much he can say at this point “I didn’t know she did that. I didn’t let her in your house.” I always knew he hadn’t let her in the house, he said he didn’t, I believe him because he wrote a note on my fridge note pad, she wrote the note without his knowledge so there was no way she came inside, he wouldn’t have been able to write me a note if she came inside. “I can see why you think I didn’t protect you.” but he says “You never had a crazy bitch turn up to your house to kill you… And I can assure you she wanted too.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD… Can you even believe what he is saying right now?!

#IBD4U

Ironically (because of who I think this is), Silverlining tells me that “A guy doesn’t lie for that long” as a reply to when I say that I’m sure the feelings Noodle had for me weren’t real (I need to have some confidence in myself! I know – I know.) or that he knew he was getting sex so he was a master manipulator at getting what else he wanted. I’m obviously certain a guy could lie for that long, I watched Noodle lie to his partner for over a year and a half & get away with it to see me, while she was tracking his phone. It’s quite disturbing how easily it was for Noodle to lie. I say that men lie & they sometimes cheat but I believe that my epic love was completely straight with me. Silverlining says that if EL knew he was getting sex every time he saw me regardless & still was saying those things to me, with a partner, then he meant it – he had no reason to lie. He wasn’t lying. This puts my mind at ease now, being that I am still sure that this is him. I tell him that EL will probably come back into my life at some point, he says “the dude fucked up and lost his chance with you , he’s an asshole , focus on your future and less on the past.” I know that this is not what he wants to say but he’s also pushing me to text Motocross even though he’s basically told me over & over again that he’s not into me. However I know that Noodle would want me to be happy & Silverlining has said how cool he thinks Motocross is & Noodle always said I should be with someone cool.

I tell Silverlining again that I think it was one sided, he replies “I seriously doubt it was one sided as you don’t develop what you have when it’s one sided , epic love could only spark when both parties are involved ; it could only take a layers of chemistry , affection , friendship , sex , passion and most of all a very deep level of connection mentally not just physically.” If this really is Noodle & he believes that, why wouldn’t be want to be with me?! But I guess for him in the end, it was Want vs Obligation, (maybe there’s a blog in that?!) not that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he is obliged to stay with her. Not only because of the kids, who he didn’t want to lose but because of all the bullshit stunts, the money & whatever he thinks is his mind are reasons to stay.

He asks about the night with Motocross was weird when I mention it, I explain that he lied about the royal show being cancelled, yet mum was watching bike riders when she called, but then that Motocross was at my house, so I was trying not to think too much about it. He says it’s not weird, if you take the show part out of it, that he obviously wanted to see me, so I should think that’s a good thing. But then he says when I say that I think he’s made up the cousin stroke story, but he asks about his wealth, if I’ve seen any proof. Well this line of question throws me off, but I reply saying that I’ve seen his 2 cars but I haven’t seen anything else. Silverlining says that cars can be rented etc, one lie usually leads to another. “The weather was fine last night and to my knowledge there was no warnings or any impending weather coming. Bad weather coming. So you’ve been lied to and you know it in regards to that. Either that or he really wanted to see you. And then something terrible happened. But like I said I think I’m going to stay out of this one … I allready feel I’m influencing your thought process on this guy way to much than I should. I suggest you start digging (not your grave).” I guess this is #interesting, if Motocross really did want to see me & he wasn’t riding at the show, he had to lie about it being cancelled, however maybe when Motocross got to my house, he could sense that I was going to dig a little deeper so he freaked out & left? But obviously Silverlining doesn’t get it either & says he thinks it’s hell suss. Seriously, I hope I find out what Motocross deal is because I agree with Silverlining, it’s fucking suss!

Silverlining tells me not to overthink it, but every time I say something to Silverlining about Motocross, he says something different, that I need to start digging to find out what the fuck is going on, or just to go with the flow & not overthink it. While Motocross is in Melbourne nursing his cousin back to health & talking to Silverlining I check the kms on the dating app, which says 22kms. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! I mean this could be because of two reasons – which is why I hate to stalk & don’t do it. First he might not have opened up the app while away, or he really is only 22kms from me. I’m no wiser to be honest & now I just have more questions about why he is 22kms away. Should I be happy he hasn’t opened the app to find someone in Melbourne or should I be suspicious why it’s 22kms away?

Then something gets the better of me & I am pretty sure this is Noodle who will know everything I need to know about an iPhone watch. I ask if Silverlining has an Apple or Samsung, then I ask if he has an Apple watch, which he says no (Probably to throw me off that this is Noodle) then he says “What an odd set of questions to ask a stranger” however, I know Noodle won’t be able to help himself – he’ll geek out at these questions & over explain. I explain how Motocross’ phone got wet that weekend (which was over a month ago but he’s continued to see me regularly) & he didn’t message me but then he’s been texting from his watch on dates & when his dad messaged at my house. Noodle is predictable & writes about 14 messages about this topic, saying that he’s rich so he probably has a sim card in the watch therefore he would be able to text on it. He also says that iPhones have been waterproof for years (Which I knew). He says that the phone books sync so if he can text on his watch, there was no reason why he couldn’t text me that weekend. FUCK. I knew this but it pisses me off to fact check it. Which is what I thought, but not sure why tried to ghost me that weekend, yet has been seeing me 3-4 times a week for like a month after so far… I’m not the only one setting up dates here, so I am not putting in all the effort, I mean I am putting in most of the effort, but he is asking to see me still… Seeing me without fucking me – though Silverlining thinks that is weird.

I wake up at 7:00 am on a Saturday to 10 messages in quick succession from Silverlining at 5:20 am. He talks about me being too forgiving & that I need to forget the sorry ass of an ex, that he hasn’t come back for me & when he does it’ll be too late, he says that I need to focus on Motocross & forget the “self confessed geeky guy.” I don’t remember ever telling Silverlining that about Noodle – maybe I did?! “It will always be his loss for missing out on such an amazing woman , not yours , don’t let it eat you up so much , because deep down it sounds like it still is” Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out either, I mean all I have done it talk to this guy about someone who I thought loved me, who I’m assuming I’m still talking too…

After almost 2 weeks of chatting to this Silverlining character about the ex-love of my life, about the current weirdo I’m dating, there is one more message at 6:26 am, an hour after the long line of messages – simply saying “Fuck at what point do we stop pretending …..”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

In bed feeling like an idiot but can’t get to sleep because I am fucking stupidly hopeful that Motocross will come back even though I know deep down that he won’t. I hate that Silverlining has been right. This guy isn’t into me at all! FUCK.

I turn on the tv & start watching something on netflix or whatever, expecting the uncomfortable text from Motocross saying some rubbish & sorry he’s not coming back. However, when my phone buzzes more than for a text, I look over & I realise that someone is ringing me. It’s Motocross of course, which kind of makes me think he doesn’t have a wife (if some of you are thinking that) I was thinking that too, but if he did or he wanted an easy way out of this, he wouldn’t call, he would text. No one would call in this situation, I certainly wouldn’t – if I made a clean exit. But he’s opted for an awkward conversation.

He says that his cousin in Melbourne has had a stroke & he used to be really close with this cousin when he was younger but hasn’t seen him for years, but was going to see him soon so he is upset about it now. He says that they’re – his parents & him are trying to book flights to Melbourne tomorrow, he seems to think they are going to be on the red eye. (didn’t his dad’s friend have a jet?!) Anyway he says he’s heaps sorry, of course I am what anyone would be when a person rings up & says someone is injured or whatever, I am supporting, offer my apologies, ask if there is anything I can do & I listen. We don’t talk for heaps long but longer than I would expect of a person scrambling to get flights out tomorrow. The cynical part of me (which lets face it, its about 99.9% of me) says that he’s dreamed up this scheme so that he is now away for the rest of the week & the rest of the Royal Show, in case I choose to get another ticket! The part in me that gets along with this guy, wants be to believe this story, but I am struggling to be very honest with you! However, against advice from Silverlining, I give Motocross the benefit of the doubt, I have absolutely no reason not to believe Motocross & this isn’t something I could google, surely?!

I get off the phone with Motocross & send him a quick text “Let me know if I can do anything” with a kissing emoji. I would appreciate that kind of text if I got some bad news like that. He writes back 25 minutes later when I am asleep “Thank you appreciate it. I am sorry bout tonight been cut short” well at least he acknowledges it & is prepared to say it .I write back in the morning saying that I hope he had a good flight to Melbourne. I say that I didn’t realise he was jumping up & walking right out the door right away, or I would have hugged him or something. I apologise for being rude & say that I hope he is ok & his cousin is too. I don’t get a reply all day from like 7:30 am till after 6:00 pm. “Hey sorry for the mega late reply I got a flight first thing dismorring thanks. Yeah i’m sorry I was actually meant to be coming back sorry i didn’t.” I mean as if he was ever coming back, lets face it, while this guy writes back to every message, I am starting to believe what Silverlining is saying, Motocross is doing it as some sort of exchange, not because he really wants too… His lies are going to be caught out soon, I am obviously getting closer to asking what the fuck so he is pulling away rapidly. I reply saying that it’s ok, I ask how his cousin is & say that I still should’ve said a proper goodbye. He says that his cousin is still bad & he doesn’t know what’s happening that he’s really sorry but appreciates the message. I say again to let me know If I can do anything & say that there’s no need to be sorry that I understand & we can catch up when he’s back. To which, Motocross doesn’t ever reply. RIGHT.

So another couple of things that I forgot to mention throughout this story, so I also work with someone who I made friends with on Facebook & of course Motocross keeps coming up as a friend suggestion, I happen to notice one day that we have a friend in common, it’s the chick from work who’s new, I’m not really that close too but I decide to have a chat to her about him. I am casual about it (well I think I am, but I’m probably not at all!), just asking how she knows him, she went to high school with him. I tell her that he said he left Adelaide when he was 16 to live in America & she sort of laughs, I keep going with my story just giving her a few things from him & when I say that he says he’s a crusty demon she cracks up laughing & says no. OMG. I mean I pretty much knew it but for someone to confirm it is just fucking gold…

I may have mentioned this fact, but Motocross has told me a couple of times that if he wasn’t a stunt rider, he’d be a tiler. I’m almost certain at this point that he is a tiler & not a motocross rider at all. Who the fuck knows at this point. I honestly don’t give a shit what a dude does for work as long as he’s working & enjoys his job. What the fuck is with all the lies?!

Friday I haven’t heard from Motocross & I think that he’s probably not thinking about me as such if he’s with his cousin & family at the hospital, so I just send a quick text asking how he is, how is his cousin & how Melbourne is. He doesn’t take long to write back. Saying that they spend the day at the hospital, there is not changes yet & that Melbourne is ok, he then asks how my day is. I wonder if he’s being polite or if he is interested. I say that I’m sorry to hear that, ask if he is still going to the Darwin crusty show on the weekend. I say that my day was shit, going home to have a bath (BTW after the bath with Motocross, I have bought nice radox bubble bath because we had talked about baths again together… I am not going to be caught again with no bubbles, even though I hate them!) but even though I am on annual leave on Monday I will have to go in to sort some shit out before I go to Brisbane.

Motocross has often talked about coming to Brisvegas as he calls it when I am there, I guess that he’s now got a get out of jail free card on that since I go in a week or so. He always seems excited to talk about my trip & my plans when I say that I have finally booked my flights & organised my accommodation with my friend.

He says that he’s leaving Melbourne in the morning for Darwin on the red eye (the fucking red eye, really!) I say that I hope his cousins is better & that he has a good flight, I ask when he’s back in Adelaide, saying that it sucks to have to work on my annual leave & I also say after he says that it’s good I’m relaxing in the bath, that it would be better if he was in the bath with me. He says that he’s back on Sunday around midday & asks why I am working if I am on holidays, he says “Hmmm yeah that be nice I’d be fair keen and the rest” Hahaha, whatever that means. I say for him to let me know if he wants to come over Sunday night that I’m sure he would use a hug, a bath & the rest. I dribbled on about the fucked reason I have to go into work & then never get a reply from him. I don’t get a text from him all day Saturday either. FUCK YOU.

Silverlining is saying I’m wrapped around Motocross finger & at this point I guess I am, I still don’t know who Silverlining is, I may never know, but I am not going to let Motocross go without at least trying to get to the bottom of his lies… Or what are seemingly lies. I must find out what the fuck is this guy’s deal.

Motocross calls me Saturday afternoon, which is new & just when I am fucking angry, he makes a gesture. We chat a bit while he is driving somewhere in Melbourne… Oddly, I don’t notice at the time, but writing this now, wasn’t he supposed to be in Darwin? Also I do notice at the time but his indicator car noise (Yes, cars have distinct indicators noises) sounds a lot like the indicator in his $75k Holden ute… We chat about his cousin & how he’s doing, how close Motocross is to him & that he’s woken up at least – so Motocross is much happier. Motocross talks about coming over after my family dinner on Sunday night, he’s back around midday so he says to let him know when I am free but cuts the conversation short as he has to go because he is lost in Melbourne. We hang up & I feel better, we don’t just have a texting relationship, this guy is now calling… However, actually… Did that phone call just open up more questions?!

#IBD4U