I’ve heard the geek thing from Silverlining so many times that I just want to strangle him! I mean I don’t even give a fuck about how geeky he is, we talked about this before, years ago when I said that if he was playing too many computer games & I was bored, I would just suck his cock while he played or wander around the house in lingerie & I’m sure that he’ll stop playing & pay attention to me! I don’t care about geek or his hobbies, as long as he’s not just a stoner sitting at home playing games & ignoring me. Simple really.
I remind him that I always told him how much I loved his cock, it’s size, it’s shape, it always made me cum & it’s the only cock I’ve ever fucked that has made me cum without any other stimulation. I didn’t even know that was possible to have an orgasm just from being fucked until him. But yet his partner told him that it was a good size after she fucked two guys when they were open for 5 minutes & he believed her, which fucked me off. I also remind him I’m not geeky, but I know my way around a computer & connect my own TVs etc. I’m not stupid with technology, but I can’t fake my location like he did. I also say that I knew he was geeky from the get go & thought it was super cute that when he brought his ‘stuff’ to my house that day, it was all his game consoles & one tiny bag of clothes. He says that he hides his geeky side a lot. People think he’s cool but he’s more of a geek than he lets on – why would anyway hide who they are?! He says he brought his game consoles because he didn’t want her to break them & he knew she would go after them first once he left the house.
I remember when he lost his Gameboy, which apparently is actually called a switch – I call it a Gameboy to annoy him because he always corrects me & he was in a foul mood all day chatting to me until he found it at his work, thinking he lost it on top of his car. I say that I knew he was geeky & maybe I knew him better than he knew me but he disagrees, he says that he knew me better. But I don’t believe that, because if he did really know me, he’d know that the geek, the debt, the kids & all of that shit he doubted about himself wouldn’t be an issue for me. He didn’t want to be a burden, but if in fact he knew me, he would’ve known that none of that shit matters to me.
We talk about people on the chat app & how snapchat boy (Noddy) knew about him in a way & remembered Silverlining being mean to him, Silverlining says it was his intention, because I was his turf. He says that he learned when he opened up his relationship that the chat app community was tight, he could’ve gone anywhere but on the chat app, he says that why he closed up their relationship, to protect me… Yeah right… He says it turns out “We’re pretty famous on the chat app” Yeah we were, so many people knew who we were & they also could feel the chemistry between us, so many people said that! But I snap “You didn’t close your relationship to protect me, you closed it to protect yourself! She would’ve found out more lies you told her about me if you kept it open… Don’t flatter yourself that you did anything to protect me.” I mean she was chatting to the guy, Crows , that I was fucking at the time for fuck sake, so she would’ve found out more lies & fuck knows what would’ve happened if she knew the real whole truth about our relationship.
He just says that there were no lies left, she knew everything. He says anything she doesn’t know now, would only come from me, she knows everything that was public or that we shared with individuals, but I’m sure that if she was on the chat app longer, it would have caused them to break up. I tell him that there is still so much she doesn’t know & would ruin their lives if she found out, he says “Pretty sure that’s knocked 5 years off our relationships. We won’t last forever… lol” OH MY GOOD GOD! He’s a fucking idiot! Why would you even be with someone if you didn’t think it will last?!
He tells me that Sweetie told his partner about our love, about our chemistry, about the 3sum with her, the car wash sex – I don’t remember everything Sweetie said however I don’t remember all that, if she knew that we were in love & believed everything Sweetie said, then why was it such a big deal when she read the messages he sent to someone else saying he still loved me!? Sometimes this story just doesn’t make any sense to me! Although I guess he said he denied all the stuff Sweetie said, however he still told her my real fucking name… Then I guess when she read the messages he sent to someone else about being in love with me, he couldn’t deny it.
I tell him that the guy I was fucking was talking to his partner & that I had to get him to get an STI test too, I tell him that I just got tested again & I’m all clean “So fuck you for blaming me for that!!” He says that they apparently only just started testing for HPV recently, which is a load of fucking shit, I was immunised against it in high school, when he tells me that she didn’t go to school in Australia, I snap that “God you believe some bullshit sometimes Silverlining.” He avoids the conversation since it’s making me fucking angry & says that if it’s the guy he thinks it is, she wanted him pretty bad & he wouldn’t fuck his partner… Well that makes me feel fucking smug as fuck! Hahaha.
When I remind him that Crows was also married but I didn’t know that right away, he says “Fuck how do guys get away with it?” Well he asks an interesting question, but then adds that he’s the last person to be asking that. I mean most partners don’t track their partners phones, so I understand how guys & women get away with it, I don’t know how Silverlining got away with it for 18 months but towards the end, I used to go to him a lot more than he ever came to me. HE asks “Why do guys even want 2 girlfriends. That shit is hard.” I laugh, I know that it would be hard to please both of us & I was always the last priority.
We talk about faking our identities again & I say that I wasn’t ready to stop talking to him yet so I didn’t want to reveal myself. I say “I was afraid if you knew it was me, you’d stop talking right away… I never expected you to still be in love with me too. I never even thought you’d still think of me…” Reminding him that I had things I needed him to know “Haha fucking bitch knowing I couldn’t defend myself to some extent. Fucking though the same as you. I saw you for a year … We connected on every single possible level. Sexually , emotionally (slightly retardly) , mentally. You really think I wouldn’t think of you ? Maybe your not as smart as I thought you were” The difference for me is that he has a family, a partner he says he loves & kids, he works full time, I know he’s stubborn & thinking that I’ve moved on so wouldn’t allow himself to think about me. He even told me at one point that he won’t let himself think of me. I tell him that he never believes alything I tell him so being a stranger was perfect & remind him that his partner made things clear to Sweetie too about their kinky sex, knowing it would get back to me, which it did. He says “I knew you loved me , but your emails proved that to me … How deep it was in the end.” I tell him that every song on the papa roach album reminds me of him & that I didn’t think he’d listen to songs & think of me.
I ask why he is still in love with me & he says he just explained because we connected on so many levels, well he has to connect with his partner like that surely?! So I ask, if he has connected like that with others & he says nope. Well FUCK. He asks if I have, which he knows I will say no because I haven’t. “I’d never met anyone who I couldn’t not touch & had to restrain myself from touching you… Before the carwash, when you were getting subway… When we were in the hardware store buying cable ties… Fuck I wanted to just put my arm around you, be flirty…” I was always good at flirty online but when it came to be tactile, I was terrible at it. He says what I’m dreading “I wish you had been touchy and flirty … but was restraining myself too to some extent. I love my wife , and always will to. But our level of connection isn’t on the same level.” Why wouldn’t you want to be with the person you love & connect with the most?! Life is too short to stay with someone, you’ve already told me that you’re not going to be with forever.
He says that we only connected online which is like a stab in my heart & I tell him that, He says that we had a mostly online relationship but we connected in real life too. He says “I was scared shitless you would hate living with me … I didn’t feel that way , I was using it as an excuse to cover. The fact I wasn’t sure how we would live together.” FUCKING HELL, where is this coming from, is he so scared to be alone?! I mean we didn’t have to live together straight away, he could’ve lived with his family or got his own place. “And you think I wasn’t scared about living with you too??? I haven’t lived with someone for like 13 years… What if you hated living with me? I was willing to take that risk…. I think we would’ve pissed each other off, not doubting that fact but we were able to talk about anything, fight & get over it.” He says he realises my fears too but he says “TBH I’m sure we would of be fine” I know that he’s saying that now because he realises how much I wanted him from re reading those emails. “I’m sure you would of just ended up in lingerie sucking my dick and me fucking your brains out an everything would be fine” Sex always did fix everything for us. “Fuck I wanted to live with you so badly… Sleep in my bed every night. I’m 100% sure we would’ve been ok, that we could fix everything with sex.” He says that he wishes we could’ve spent at least one night together. He says that’s his regret, not setting up something so he could spend the night together, we came close when she was in hospital having the baby, I think if their son wasn’t there, I would’ve stayed. He was going to stay when he was working at the store far away & she let him stay at his parents house.
These conversations were helping me, but now they’re making me sad, I mean there are so many things we didn’t get to do. Will we ever get to do them?