Silverlining #14

So a lot of you have asked what has happened to Motocross during all of these Silverlining posts. Well remember we’re only on day 2-3 since the reveal of our identities – Silverlining & I talk a lot & there is a lot of info to tell you, I can cut back on the detail to speed things up a bit. But rest assured Motocross is still in the background & there is still more of his story to come soon, but we just need to catch up on the Silverlining stuff first. I probably should’ve started with the Silverlining sooner than I did so it was both at the same time in the timeline but I am a bit ahead with Motocross. But there is more coming, I promise! So don’t stress, you will know everything I know, eventually…

Silverlining & I are talking a lot over the weekend when he’s at work, it’s like he waited to a weekend he was at work so he could talk to me & he’s said that he doesn’t want to stop, I don’t either at this point, I can’t stop regardless of what my brain is telling me, my heart is pulling at those stings again & I am an addict, I never realised he would be too!

He reminds me that he’s not good at maintaining friendships, but I don’t believe that that’s all him, I know she tracks him & questions him when he’s late or doing anything that he just stop bothering to engage with his friends, also his lack of self esteem about people liking him doesn’t help the situation. She did this before he met me – so it’s not just post affair. He disagrees & says he’s just lazy when it comes to maintain friendships. He does say that he is tracked harder & questioned over everything now but he swears that I don’t realise what a loser he is. He says he’s allowed to go out with friends – OMG, does he really need to be allowed, but he just never did or does… Yeah because I’m sure she was tracking him & asking questions he just gave up on it. & now it’s worse than it was before. Honestly, regardless if he ends up with me or not, what type of life are either of them living?! I mean he’s so under the thumb, more than before & she’s so paranoid. Of course she now has every right to be, but why would either of them want to live in this strange existence of toxicity?!

He says that she only started stalking him when she suspected him of cheating, which he wasn’t when he started cheating. He said that she knew (the woman always knows) but couldn’t prove it but because he stopped paying her attention, she got suspicious. The ironic thing is, he wasn’t cheating until she started suspecting it, yet she still got pregnant to him again. He had met me & I know that his heart wasn’t in the pregnancy, but I think if she hadn’t of gotten pregnant when she did, things would also be very different.

He asks why I tell my sister everything & I tell him how scared I was that his partner was going to do something to me, that I’d perhaps lose my memory or even worse she’d kill me, then she’d get away with it just like she said & he told me she could. No one knew about us – because no one saw us together & there would be no proof of our relationship, so the timeline I wrote would give a complete overview for anyone & I gave my sister a copy of all the videos, pictures, gifs, screenshots & anything else I had to make sure no one got away with anything! No one could deny anything. He says that he’s surprised that he’s still alive some days. I always wondered that over the year we didn’t talk, if she killed him or if something terrible happened to him because of her, would I ever know?! Would I always be pining for him, hoping one day he’d come back into my life?! He says that he’s glad she didn’t go down that path of hurting me but he assures me that she wanted too. I am still mega pissed off he told her my real name, my real job & showed her where I live. I always lie on the apps about my job & use a fake name. I know he gave her a fake name to start with when he was under pressure from her about what my name was but when it was revealed that it was fake, why didn’t he just give her another fake name & tell her my fake job that I use?! Why did she even need to know what I did for work anyway?! FFS. He says he freaked out that she would find out he lied again about another fake name. I mean the fact that he kept getting caught in lies should’ve been enough for her to want to leave him but she’s clutching to save her family, I get that.

I say that my job has changed a lot recently, which has been a good challenge but there is a lot of other stuff happening in my role which isn’t good at the moment. He says that his job has too, he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him but he was made redundant 6 weeks ago which is why he came back online because he’s not bothered about work anymore. He says he doesn’t have long left & doesn’t know what he’s going to do. They offered him a new role but it was quite a lot less pay so he’s not sure he wants to take it. “So add that to my loser resume, I’m also nearly unemployed” I say that he’s not a loser, just because the company is restructuring & your role is merged with another, doesn’t make you a loser! He says that he’s not in a good place mentally & I know that was hard for him to say to me. I don’t want to burden him with my work shit too, so I try to be supportive, he’s been told by others that he’s too good for the job he’s in & I agree, I always thought he could do better than what he was doing, but as long as he liked what he did, then I didn’t care. He admits that’s why he’s put on weight because he’s been drinking & eating shit a lot. I didn’t think he looked fat, but I guess if he felt me nearby, he sucked in his gut! Hahaha.

He’s scared about what he’s going to do & that his partner is now the bread winner which he hates – I didn’t realise he was so traditional, however he always did talk about how rich I am (I am not, lets not pretend here!) I never realised the woman earning more than him would be a problem. But I guess then if she is the bread winner & he’s not earning anything, then he’d be really be even more trapped. He again says that he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him, I say that I don’t, I mean want to hug the poor fucker, he’s going through some shit but I tell him that he will find something. I offer to look as his resume for him, being that I have just done a friends resume but he says that he’s good with resumes, so he’s all good. He tells me that he didn’t want to tell me at all, that I don’t realise what a dark place he’s in… Oh yeah, I get it.

I remind him that he never has to be insecure with me, especially about my love & how much he turns me on – going into a little detail about how when he pinned my legs on his shoulders & arms above my head in a bed, he would make me squirt cum in just two thrusts. He apologises for being so insecure. My heart breaks for him a little, but I don’t tell him that, I know he doesn’t want my sympathy. He sort of ignores that message so I say “I like how you ignore my message… Or are you tucking your apparently tiny cock into your belt?!” He says fuck you & I say that I was sad towards the end we didn’t fuck in a bed more. We always started out fucking in a bed, but then it was the car or over the car but he says most of our sex sessions that weren’t in a bed were the hottest. I did like our car sessions, they were fun, I’d never really fucked in a car much before him, but I wanted him in a bed again. “You just wanted to make love and cuddle. We had good sessions no matter where it was tho !” I remind him that I don’t like cuddles “We still made love when it was in the back of a car…. You fucking looked into my eyes every time we fucked… Used my name…” He tells me that I like cuddles more that I let on, which is probably true, I did love cuddling him & even in the car, just sitting touching after we just fucked each other hard, was so special.

“Yet you think I used you for sex. Sure I just look every woman in the eye and say there name while fucking them …” I know he didn’t use me for sex, I know he loved me, this conversation is proving that more & more. But I did know he didn’t use me for sex. He said his plan was to use me for sex, as was mine, but he fell for me hardcore. He did want me as a friend but he got too attached to early on with me, which of course we all know I did too. I tell him that I was attached to him before we even met. He calls bullshit that I was fucking everyone, which made him insanely jealous. OMG. I was not fucking everyone. I say that I was attached to our chats, but I never chatted to anyone like I did with him ever & haven’t since, not every day, not every moment we could. I say that I was fucking other people but our downfall was when I stopped fucking others, we were attached. I never thought he’d meet me once, let alone see me for a year being that he is tracked! He says that he was only trolling for friendships, he was never going to fuck others, he had people that wanted him but he wasn’t going to do it. I say we were stupid to only fuck each other, his response really surprises me “I don’t think we were stupid. I don’t regret anything. I literally got to meet (and fuck lol) one of the amazing fucking person in this world. And became close friends with. My fucking best friend. Which is hard to admit because of how sad it is. I don’t regret meeting you , fucking you , exclusively fucking you, pretty much making you my girlfriend , loving you. It was worth it. Stupid maybe.” My heart squeezes at that, he was my best friend too, I have a lot of friends, (sorry to those who read this blog! Hahaha) but he was my best friend & I don’t think that’s hard or sad to admit, I always wanted a partner to be my best friend, I’d never had that before.

I ask him a question I am not sure I really want an answer too, but I ask anyway, I ask if he has any regrets & he says “I have one regret , doing what I did to you. the final days. The ninja pack up , the not giving you a go. The ghosting of you. I never wanted to hurt you as much as I did.” I let out a sigh of relief… Finally, what I needed to hear!

#IBD4U