Month: Dec 2020

So I’m skipping ahead with the time line actually, without giving too much away in my dating life right now, this is more recent – I still have a lot of content but this one is bugging me. I have dated another guy earlier that I dated before which I will write about because apparently I’ve dated them all, now I’m dating for the second time but I really want to hear what you guys think.

If you don’t remember Foodland, then click the link & go back to have a read. I wish I had of before I attempted date number 2, I would have kept to my gut instinct & not gone there at all! Spoiler alert, number 2 isn’t sounding promising, is it?! Hahaha.

Anyway a few times over the years when I am online dating Foodland comes up often & I chat but it usually fizzles out – mainly because of the first time, what’s the point, he had his chance with me. When I am with Silverlining, I am a bitch to Foodland knowing that I don’t care if I hurt his feelings but I give it to him straight & tell him he was a dick for fucking me then never messaging again. He again disappears & I think no love lost.

Another passage of time goes by & Foodland pops back up again, I decide to give him a go, I have given another dude from the past. a go post Silverling ending that I think perhaps this may work out?! Foodland tells me I was really angry last time we chatted & I explain that I was because I don’t want to be used, I didn’t feel like he was putting in effort & he says that he didn’t feel like I was interested or putting in effort either. Ok, fair call, I probably wasn’t when I was still chatting to Silverlining, but this time, I figure that I’ll give him a chance.

When he invites me out after I tell him that he never actually asked me out on a date the last few times we’ve chatted. It’s a crazy time for me, a friend & her baby have moved in as she left her partner & I have dogs now, after living with just my cat for the last 14 years, my house is a disaster, baby & dog stuff everywhere.

Foodland suggests gold class cinema because he wants a drink, I’d never been so I agree to go out with him on Friday night. We chat all day but I am out with my friend so when I don’t reply quick enough he asks me another question or sends me a picture of what he’s doing. Same as when I am at the gym, I don’t reply quick enough & he asks me if I want him to leave me alone. I tell him I will reply when I can between reps. I don’t see it as needy but think it’s sweet he’s interested.

He offers to pick me up Friday night, when I realise that he lives right by the cinema but he comes so far out of his way to come get me, but I tell him that he can’t come in via text, with my friend & baby here, the house looking like a disaster, but he says that he’s coming in, there’s no stopping it.

He also tells me that there are two rules to tonight’s movie, that he will hold my hand & he can shut his eyes if it’s scary. I tell him that he can’t hold my hand… FUCK! I do not want to hold his hand! I know that I have had sex with this man at some point in the past so I take the opportunity to remind him that I am not going to have sex with him tonight – he says that he was waiting for me to say that to him & I tell him I think that holding hands is to intimate. He & my friend do not get this but let me explain. I have lived with one man who barely held my hand & been in love with one man who never had time to hold my hand & we both regretted that. It’s such an intimate thing for me, that means something. It means there is affection, friendship possibly love. Not some random boy who I fucked once like 5 years ago & haven’t heard from again.  

Because I don’t want to have sex with him tonight, I tell him he needs to work for it a bit more than get it on the first date like last time – even though his isn’t a first date I tell him that we need to go on more than one date. So he asks to see me Sunday, but I am busy & we work out that we can catch up Monday. Well this is promising 2 dates set up!

I spend a short time getting ready for Friday nights date, asking my friend & kid what to wear – she suggests a dress she likes me in but it’s a bit casual & she suggests that’s what I will wear on Monday’s date. We pick an outfit & when I enter the lounge room once I’m dressed, she tells me I look amazing. I feel like I have crazy hair & my make up is too simple but it’s the boost to my ego that I need, is that I look stunning & amazing. I am confident, this guy & I get along already so this date should be good.

When he arrives at my house, my friend is peering out the window saying how tall he is, he comes in & meets her & the baby, they have a laugh & my friend makes a joke about holding hands. She talks to him about his car, I ask him if he’s got the tickets to the movies, he says no but he’s booked a table at the restaurant I choose. As we leave he’s booking the gold class tickets, at $45 a pop.. Fuck the movie are expensive!

We order dinner, which he pays for, I order steak & he gets the order right. I did offer to pay for dinner being he bought the movie tickets but he tells me to just get us drinks, which I do. He buys another drink for us as the conversation flows easily. So easily that when my friend texts me to ask me if he’s held my hand yet, I laugh & tell him – its now become a big joke of the date but I honestly really don’t want to hold his hand.

We get to the movie & I suggest a bottle of wine for the movie, when he says he doesn’t drink a lot of wine so I can pick – in hindsight we should have just got a drink or two each, not a bottle. I am already ticking over very well!

We watch the movie, as his hand slides over to my leg, I actually think that this guy could be something more & against my better judgement, I let my guard down, just for a second & I let his fingers slide though mine & we hold hands for most of the movie!

OMG how risqué!

Anyway after the movie, we get in the car & as we’re driving home he takes a detour to a carpark & pulls up, turns to me & starts kissing me. The kissing is nice, it’s not amazing but it feels good. He doesn’t try anything further before he pulls away & we’re driving up the expressway. As we get closer to my house, I suggest the local boat ramp for some more kissing, which he does, we get out to look at the moon but I’m cold so we get back in kissing some more before he drops me home. Unfortunately because I am a bit more than tipsy, I don’t recall a lot of what happened, except that when he drops me off he doesn’t wait till I am inside before he drives off.   

I go to bed & fall fast asleep just after midnight.

I awake around 8:30 am, getting ready to go to the gym, I feel a little shit – why did I drink so much! Urgh… There is a message from him “Night u thanks for a fun night” sent at 12:24 am. I quickly write back in the morning while running late, half asleep not thinking “Thanks. You’re welcome. I had fun too.”  Expecting a reply later in the day, but nothing comes. At all! In fact I never hear from Foodland again! EVER…

What the actual fuck! I honestly feel violated… I explicably told him I did not want to hold his fucking hand because it means something to me & this guy has the audacity to not write to me ever again?! On Sunday with still no reply from him, I write “… Can I just ask, why did you even want to hold my hand so desperately?”  I get nothing so on Monday after he sends me a snapchat of his outfit for ice skating & looks at my snapchat story, I say “You’re a strange unit. Best of luck. ”  

So another fuck wit bites the dust… Since then he looks at every story I post on snapchat, as does Motocross – still to this day! Hahaha… What is with that?

I know that hand holding doesn’t mean as much to others as it does me, clearly because my friend thinks I am fucking hilarious how upset I am that I let my guard down & held his hand to just be ignored the next day! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I get that it might not be what he expected, but why ghost me? He didn’t have to message me at 12:30 am to say he had a good time if he didn’t. That would have been the perfect time to ghost me… Men are so weird, I have no idea how to decipher this one…!

Another friend thinks he was pissed off I didn’t write back immediately or that I didn’t say sorry for the next day reply… But really?! Is he that childish & needy?

What do you think happened here?!

#IBD4U

Yes, before you say anything… This guy has a spelling error in his name! I don’t even know how I am going to keep up with it, it’s so annoying, I point it out to him & he says that he knows… WTF?!… So I nickname him Grape in my phone, eventually for reasons I can’t disclose or it will reveal too much about him. I met him online around the time I was online before Noddy – I think we met on the chat app but possibly we met on a dating site then chatted on the chat app… I can’t really remember how this begun, but we chat on the chat app.

We chat sporadically for a while but then he just kind of just disappears – he’s living in Port Lincoln but also staying . Following that, he tries to talk to me a few times but I ignore him… What’s the point? I mean is there any point, I decided I deserve better which is why I ended it with Silverlining 2.0 but I wonder if this is all I am going to get from a man. A half ass relationship, a half ass messaging buddy?!

But he comes back online to say “Merry Christmas Beautiful”, as you all know this is after I’m so hurt from the second break up with Silverlining, so I think maybe I need to give Coutry a second chance too!? If Silverlining deserves one, then maybe everyone else does!

I reply to him & we end up texting for a bit, he seems nice & I quite like him. He actually reminds me of a guy, I can’t remember what I nicknamed him though, possibly the dude from right at the start of this blog called Willunga.

We organise a date & I am not that into it to be honest, I have just ended something major to me, broken my heart, but I want a partner. I know I want a partner. I proper partner. Not just a half assed partner who has a partner already. I am not that excited about the date but I am trying to get excited about it. I am out with another friend when I get a message from him telling me that he is too sunburn to meet me. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I then get a shirtless photo of him with sunburn, yeah it does look pretty bad & does look like it would be sore, so I just say yeah no worries & something about hoping he feels better soon, I think I also say some shit about drinking lots of water. I am slightly relieved but also annoyed… Who gets that burnt the day they are going on a date with someone. I can honestly say that this is probably the most hilarious excuse for not being able to go on a date with someone?!

After that he disappears after that, he never tries to message me again, I mean what is that all about?! I don’t get why men put in so much effort, I finally agree to go out with them & then they bail? I’m not saying this is just an excuse to bail, maybe he really was sunburnt & couldn’t put on a shirt, but what I never understand when a man bails after putting so much effort to get you to say yes to them, why do they bail with a weird lame excuse & not lock in the next date? If I genuinely like a man – even do this with friends & have to bail on plans, I will apologise profusely & try to lock in a date in the future, something soon because I will feel so terrible… People bail on me, don’t really say sorry, don’t really care, don’t lock in the next date.

A few months later, he tries to talk to me again, I sporadically reply but I am not interested in this man. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

When you read stories like this & if you don’t really get my connection with Silverlining, this is why. This type of guy. It happens to me so often, they put in so much effort then disappear. I don’t get it. But this is why I got so involved with Silverlining, regardless of his life outside of me – right or wrong – he was consistent. He messaged, he told me how he felt. As much as it was shit he had a whole other life, I didn’t even doubt his feelings for me. I doubt that these types of guys are even interested in me or if they are just dating to see how many women they can get to say yes to a date with them?!

#IBD4U

I bet you never thought there would be a #2 for this guy right?! Yep neither did I… but fuck some people surprise me!

I go back to bed & sleep till about 10:00 am when I hear a knock at the door. I just assume it’s the post man or something with a parcel but when I open the door looking like absolute shit, I see Tim Tam standing there with a bunch of flowers… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! A bunch of fucking flowers!

I don’t even know what to say, no one night stand has ever come back to the scene of the crime like 3 hours later with fucking flowers… Who the fuck brings flowers. This has turned me into a fucking giggling shy school girl. No man ever has left in the morning & come back or shown this much affection (for lack of a better word) to me after one night. What the actual fuck is going on?!

I invite him in & sit there completely dumbfounded, unsure what to say & he asks me “you’re tripping out right now aren’t you?” I relax a bit when he says that & explain that no guy comes back like this nor have they ever brought me flowers. He says that he’s not like that to just sleep with someone & leave & that felt so bad that he couldn’t stop thinking about how it all went down. He says that he likes me & is keen to go kayaking (I can’t remember why or how we get onto the topic but we do – I think a kayaking friend won’t hurt.) & it’s what prompts us to swap numbers. I get the vibe he just wants to be friends. He talks about going with the flow a lot again, I am fine with it. I mean it’s only a month or so since I ended things with Silverlining that I am not ready to jump into anything anyway. This are not good for me in other aspects of my life now either, that I am not ready to jump into anything nor do I even think I want a partner at this point. A guy friend to hang out with, maybe try to have sex again (if he can keep I hard) with might be a good distraction without the relationship status. A true friends with benefits.

He stays at my house for about 30 minutes before he leaves, saying we’ll catch up soon & hopes there’s no hard feelings. I of course am not going to hold a grudge, I mean I wouldn’t have even if I never heard from him again. But I am glad he did!

But I don’t hear from him the next day but when I am back at work a few people ask about the weekend & it prompts me to write to him telling him people were talking about us. FUCK. It’s late at night & he says that he’s just finished work, we’re messaging & he says that I am being cheeky, but when he asks what I am doing, I say watching a movie he says the likes movies. Is he invited himself over? He asks what time I start work & says that because I am messaging him I must not be watching the movie. Then he says he’s interested to know what people talked about him & so I just invite him over. I’m not sure what he means but he says ‘very discreet’ I think he means subtle? As he’s been seemingly been hinting at the fact he wants to come over. Next minute, he is on his way to my house, I send the poking out tongue emoji & he says that I’m funny & is on his way. I don’t know what is funny but I just go with it.

I open the door to him & walk straight to my bedroom, I am not going to sit in the lounge room, we’ve already had sex, he’s clearly here for sex it’s 11:00 pm. He jumps onto my bed with me, we sit there chatting & just having a good get to you know general chit chat when he tells me that the emoji that I keep sending him of the tongue poking out means I want to be licked… WTF?! No no no dude, it means that I am being cheeky. We have a disagreement about it that has us both in fits of laughter. My whole life is a life if that’s what it means?! I use it all the time being cheeky, not wanting to be licked by someone! Imagine how different my life could be if I knew the meanings for emojis & used the incorrectly or correctly?! What if I used an emoji wrong with the right guy & he stopped writing back to me because he thinks I am a fucking idiot…!? OMG.

I will admit, I just go with it with Tim Tam about the poking out emoji meaning that I want to be licked but I do google it later & I believe that I am using it right! Hahaha… I don’t bother having the discussion with him again. I just know that I am right & keep the joke going with him later. When we kiss & have sex, he is hard & on top of me but then can’t keep it hard once the condom is on. I know some men have this problem but I am not prepared to fuck him without one. He makes another joke about it but I know that he doesn’t mean it & is self-conscious about this. We lay there just talking & laughing, I find him so funny, when I see in the corner of the room a little black spot. I freak out, there is a spider in the corner of the room. I am so arachnophobic that I start freaking out that he jumps up to get rid of it for me. I am literally laughing so much at the fact that this guy is jumped around my room naked to kill a spider for me… Maybe I have sold this one short? Maybe there will be a Tim Tam #3?

#IBD4U

My heart is shattered. I can barely function if I am not at work. It’s the only thing that is getting me out of bed. However as you know things aren’t great for me. I have not only destroyed the friendship with my best friend so I have no one to lean on or even talk too, but I have lost the true love of my life. I’ve lied to a lot of friends about this affair so I can’t tell them now it’s over. I don’t believe we are just destined for one person but I believe that Silverlining was my person, my other half if you will. The chemistry, the passion, the trust & honesty  we shared was like that of no other. I don’t want to say that I don’t think I’ll find it again because that’s unfair for who I honestly end up with & say to him “I’ve been dating you for.” However, it’s hard to visualise a future that doesn’t involve Silverlining. It’s hard to believe that I am not going to marry the man I want to be with more than anything else.

But I have ended it – right or wrong, I have done it. To give you some more info about Silverlining, he of course said that he’ll message when he can, so of course, me being me, I track in my head the three weeks of leave that she is on & wait & wait, hoping every day that he will message me when she goes back to work, knowing that he is unemployed that he will be bored & he’ll message me. That message never comes. NEVER. I get wasted on Christmas day & end up bawling to my mum & dad about how I was seeing him again & how sad I am, I know they are concerned for me. I open up his chat app account & send him a Merry Christmas… It never sends. The same thing happens on New Year’s Eve, I get so drunk & message him a happy new year. Again it never sends. His birthday comes, while I am not drunk that night, but I send him a happy birthday & again, it never sends. This oddly feels me with comfort that he is not online trolling for chats. Maybe he is actually focusing on his family.

After I end it with Silverlining (or Noodle Part 2), I decide that I am not going to try to “fill the void” by fucking every single man that I can find. It was so unfulfilling, even though I have a friend telling me to fuck someone else, I can’t bring myself to do it. So this time I need something to take my mind off boys, off work, off how alone I feel. So I start looking for new hobbies, something new to do. I already go to the gym, I kayak, I go for bike rides, I’ve been considering a puppy now that I am not travelling as much for work. But it’s not enough to keep me occupied. One of my passions is training, so I look at some courses I can do. I enrol in multiple short courses, some beauty courses & some writing courses. I need something to occupy my mind. While you all know I love writing, I am always thinking of ways to make this blog more than it is. But when I am actually talking with Silverlining, it’s always hard to write & want to write a book because I’m pretty sure he’ll fucking hate my guts for this blog!

So the writing courses are very helpful & I love them. I also enrol in some beauty courses doing eyelash extensions & facial waxing. I have had eyelash extensions for a few years & think this is something that I can do at home after hours.

Those of you who know me, know when I do something I go all in. I get a logo made up & I start a Facebook page for my new hobby. However I keep it pretty quiet, there is already a beauty person at my gym, I have no intentions of building this hobby as I have a career goal I am working towards, I just want something to take my mind off everything shit in my life & lets face it, right now there isn’t a lot to be happy about.

I am not the type to wallow in my own misery, you all know this. I have a heart of stone, I just need to put my walls back up & solider on. This little hobby is only a couple of hours a week, if that. I mean writing this blog takes up so much fucking time so the hobby doesn’t take up the time I was hoping it would so I do some more courses & spend so much time online looking for more courses & making business cards & stuff. This little hobby takes on a mind of it’s own, before I know it, I am not thinking about Silverlining, I am not thinking about other shit parts of my life, I am really enjoying something again & that makes me happier. This is about the time I organise Cocktails with #IBD4U too. Something else to keep my mind off things, but as you know from that blog, that gave me so much anxiety on top of all the other anxiety planning that event! Never again! Hahaha.

Anyway with my mind off losing my best friend, it gives me time to think about what I want in 2020. We all know how 2020 has turned out with Covid & all that bullshit going on around us, but at the end of 2019, I knew that I wasn’t going to just fill a void by fucking just anyone. I am not online dating, I am not looking for anyone. As much as I want to have sex & forget the feeling of fucking Silverlining, I am not going to just try to wipe that memory because it hurts.

At a function for Christmas, I am trying my hardest to not get too drunk & do a stupid crying thing. I even tell a friend to take me home no matter what I say to her when she’s trying to leave, but I want to leave with him & go home with some dignity. There is a guy, he’s pretty cute, he’s slightly Asian looking. Not the type of guy I usually go for – obviously I tend to go for Silverlining look a likes, but this guy is cute, a litter taller than me & when our table runs out of a lemon tarts (that I ate 2 of already) he goes & gets us another plate with enough for everyone & then disappears. I think nothing of it.

But as the free drinks start flowing, I keep seeing him, he catches my eye, I’m not sure why. When the drinks end & we go into another room, the dancing starts – remember when you could dance at a function. He doesn’t ever dance with me, but he dances near me a lot. We don’t make a lot of eye contact so I think nothing of it either. However the event ends & we all get kicked out. I am not sober by any means but am not a drunk as others there. We got to the local pub & shooters start happening, OMG. I am not good with shooters what is happening!

I end up sitting at a table outside with friends when Tim Tam sits down next to me. We get chatting, the first time since we basically have been seeing each other all day. While we’re sitting there, I can’t work out if he is interested or what. I am so drunk I don’t really remember it all to be honest. We’ve had our hands on each other’s laps & we’ve had a little peck on the lips, I know that I am surrounded by people I know, so I am careful about this interaction with this guy. We talk a fair bit, where he works, what he does, that he’s recently divorced, just turned 40, 2 almost adult boys. He’s living with his brother at the moment through his separation & the more I talk to him the more I like him.

When I know it’s time to go home, I know he lives down south too & I offer him a ride in my cab, we drop off another friend first & then to my house. This is weird because I’ve not invited him in, I’ve not discussed him coming in but we’ve been canoodling in the back of the taxi that I just assume him might come in but I don’t think I offer. However, he gets out the cab at my house & we go inside.

I don’t recall a great deal of how all things went down, but we end up in bed, we’re not naked, just chatting. He talks about how many pillows are on my bed, it’s a running joke with a lot of people. He also feels the X restraints under my sheets & asks what it is, telling me he doesn’t want his ass fucked… Okay!? Did I ask to fuck his ass?! Also is that the first thought a guy has when they know I have restraints?!

We end up kissing & getting undressed. When we’re naked & he’s kissing me, on top of me, I pull out a condom & he spends ages putting it on. I have to give the guy a break here, I am assuming I’m one of the first he’s been with since his separation/divorce & he probably didn’t use them with her as he said they were together 20 years or so. However he barely gets his cock inside me before he’s soft. He tries to keep going but obviously that is not going to work. He rolls off me & we lay there talking. I am not fussed to be honest. I like him but I hate myself, I did think about Silverlining & how we’d never have the problem of him being soft around me.

Tim Tam & I talk a lot more, he tells me that since his divorce or separation that he’s just going with the flow. We end up going to sleep really late, he hogs my pillow even though I have 7 on my bed, he shares mine all night so I don’t sleep well. I don’t sleep well anyway with a guy in my bed, even when drunk, but when one is sleeping on my pillow, I don’t sleep well at all. He’s awake at like 7:00 am saying he needs to go home. I offer to drive him but he says that he’ll walk home. He doesn’t live far away, he seems to be in a rush to leave & I don’t know if it’s just that now in the light of day he’s like what the fuck happened, or with a sober mind he’s not interested or what. I see him out, offering many times to drop him off but he declines. I go back to bed & I am too tired to cry, but all I want to do right now is bawl my eyes out. Every encounter I have with a man just makes me want to cry.

#IBD4U