Tag: Dating

Oh good fucking god, what am I doing this for!

Well let me tell you why… T**y is a fucking wanker, Noodle is married… I am so fucking alone & I want someone in my life, I deserve someone in my life. Don’t I? Despite some of the shit things I have done in my dating life, I am surely not the worst person in the world & I should have a partner… Right? So when I get a text from the company who I haven’t used in years, asking if I’d like to come along to a speed dating event for free with a friend, I think why the hell not. I ask a friend to come with me who I’d casually thrown the idea around with no long before this & she decides to come along too.

It’s a bit out of my (& hers) usual age bracket, men 35-53 so there will be people I am 100% not interested in – I am not into older men at all, ironically because when I was younger I was obsessed with the man being older than me, but pretty much no one besides Boyfriend has really been older than me! Hahaha. But I am sure that there will be people that I will not be attracted too in this age bracket, but there could be the one I want to date too. The diamond in the rough!  

Remember I know a couple who met at speed dating & I are still together 15+ years later, who have just had their third kid together, so I guess this is why I keep going back, you know I may just find that one spark!? All you need is one mutual spark right?!

I’m going again with a skinny, very pretty friend – who’s recently single but prefers women, who has the same niche job as me but we work for different organisations. We met at our old job a few years back & we haven’t ever really been out socially before so I am looking forward to it. I am not sure why I thought speed dating was a good idea for a girls night out, but here we are!

I feel like I look good, I am feeling super confident. The outfit has gone together well, my hair is playing nice… I am really confident – something that I am not often. My friend arrives & looks amazing – annoyingly effortlessly amazing when I have tried so hard. It bursts my confident bubble a little bit… But I intend to keep this confident stride for this evening.

Anyway we get to the venue, no one immediately catches my eye of someone I want to chat too or can’t wait to get the five minute date with. We grab a drink & head outside to scope out the competition. I reckon we’re in the top percentage out of the women, which also makes me feel confident but no man really catches my eye at all. FUCK.

As we settle in for date after date after date after fucking date, I realise that there probably isn’t anyone here for me… I have good banter with some, good chats with others, but there is no real chemistry at all. I tick a few friends but no one for relationship but you never know outside this setting it may click in place.

I had instant chemistry with Noodle online & in person, I can’t ever expect that again. I believe that is rare, so I must take that into consideration & give these guys a fair go.

As we have a break, I scoff some food & drink another wine, I have more fun talking to my friend than I do having a million mini dates with random men. But the night continues & doesn’t for me get any better!

I tick a few men as friends but walk away deflated… FUCK yet another waste of time… Well not a waste of time – I got a blog out of it… But in the interest of finding a partner, it was a waste of time… Even though I don’t really care about these men, I still wait impatiently by my emails the next day, constantly checking, even checking my junk box & waiting for the email that tells me who I actually matched with.

Waiting for the email always sucks – it’s torture… Absolute torture! It comes just before 5:00 pm & I have to say, I am so fucking shocked that there are NO matches at all… WOW… As if my self-esteem wasn’t low enough already, this is another blow. Why the fuck did I even go to this stupid event?!

I only ticked friend to 5 guys so I wasn’t expecting a lot of matches anyway, I mean the max I could get would be 5 anyway right but fucking hell, not one of the guys I ticked friend even saw me as a friend!? Not one guy?! Fuck me… I must be a complete dud!

My friend only ticked date to one guy who she matched with. Right then… I guess it’s not all bad, I did have 5 men say yes to me, she had 11 say yes to her… This is worse than I thought…. Why did I go?! OMG… I feel like shit. Only 5 out of 20 men liked me! OMG. I don’t even know what to say anymore… Perfect strangers with pixie ears are hurting my feelings now! (Disclaimer – I wrote that sentence with “pixie ears” right after I went speed dating & now almost a year later, I do not get the reference, but it made me giggle so I left it in! I’m assuming a guy had weird ears?! I don’t really know.)

I try to laugh it off with my friend as we chat about it, I make jokes, but I am actually hurt about this… Am I seriously that ugly? Or make that bad of a first impression!?

I need to go back to 2020 of no sex…

This is soul destroying!

2020 can only get better…

HOW FUCKING WRONG WAS I?!

#IBD4U

So I’m a fucking bitch! You can say it, I won’t be offended! Obviously nothing you guys can say will offend me at this point in my story, I’ve heard it all! Maybe though, this is why my karma is so bad with men! Hahaha… I have this guy in such a vulnerable position & I am not sorry about it. He’s a twat, he’s lied about his name & lied about his relationship status. I’m so stupid for thinking this guy is single. I knew there was something not right about him. I just knew it… I’ve been told I’m intuitive & I should trust it… I never do & look where I end up, a dick in my mouth that’s attached to yet another liar.

FUCK though – the look on his face… He sits up & I just keep sucking, it’s like some sort of movie… You know the scene in Swordfish when Hugh Jackman is getting a blowjob with a gun to his head?! Well this is sort of like that, although that wasn’t my aim or my intention, it just sort of happened like that. Looking back on it now, I feel a little bad for him & also realise what an unsafe position I have put myself in too… There could be an explanation for his relationship status on Facebook. Maybe they just broke up? Maybe they’re on a break? I’ll probably get a lie from him saying either of those things when in actual fact they are probably still together…

To my surprise, he says that she doesn’t suck his cock much & definitely not like I do, he says that he loves how I suck his cock (Another glowing review!) but he stops me now & we sit to chat… Well I have two choices, I’ve already fucked the guy so no matter what he’s already cheated on her. We end up having sex & then go outside once we’re dressed & talk some more. I really like this guy, obviously now he’s going to be nothing but a friend but at least I know & am not being lied too constantly. He says that they’ve been together six months (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!), he’s just moved in with her as he’s selling his house (that explains the two addresses bullshit) & he’s also cheated on her before (SERIOUSLY!). He tells me that she knows about the other woman & chose to stay with him but as she’s a nurse doing mainly nightshifts he’s always by himself at night. He says that they live with her sister & her boyfriend so she is always spying on him otherwise he would stay over the night. He leaves & I think that I’m never going to hear from him again. No big loss, though he is a funny guy, I knew there was something too good to be true about him though!

The next day I get a message from him saying I freaked him out but if I am happy to be his friend, hang out casually he won’t lie or spin bullshit to me, I explained that I hate being lied too & hate tht bullshit even more.

He invites himself over one night, messaging for hours that he’s on his way, I ask him if he means real time or T**y time? He laughs & tells me that he’s never on time… This is about when I think this dude is on something… I am pretty sure he’s off his head on drugs. When he ricks up at my house I am in bed because it’s 10:00 pm on a Wednesday night, he’s been messaging since I finished work saying another or hour or he’ll be a few minutes etc. We do have sex, good sex but he doesn’t cum at all – another sign that there is something up with this dude & drugs. I have YouTube on & he starts picking songs & we lay there just cuddling. TO be honest, even though I know he’s with someone else it’s really nice just laying there with someone. I hate that I want this for myself… FUCK.

Another night, maybe the next night or a few days later, he comes over, it’s a hot summer night & we’re sitting outside chatting, just like mates, having a few beers. He asked to have a shower at my house which I am ok with, however he leaves his razor & shower gel behind in the bathroom… He also leaves a bunch of groceries behind & a friend jokes that he’s moving in – preparing for when she kicks him to the kerb… OMG – I never thought of that but maybe he was subtly leaving things behind on purpose?!

Again I am sure that he is off his head on drugs but I am honestly just enjoying the company when he suggests that we sit outside naked. It’s a beautiful night outside & so we both get undressed, I feel a bit awkward as I strip off my clothes but sitting on my back stairs naked with beer when he kisses me & makes a move obviously we have sed on the stairs, its probably the most painful position I’ve ever fucked in… Have you ever fucked on wooden deck stairs?! We then move over to the chairs outside & he decides to bend me over my car bonnet & fuck me against it, which somehow makes me squirt – the squirt stains the cement & is there for a long time before it washes or wears away! When I’m being bitten by mosquitoes, I decide to go inside, it’s a weeknight again & I am wondering when he’ll go home but we go into my bedroom & I laze around sleepily on the bed, he cuddles me for a bit while he choses songs on YouTube, picking random Usher songs & then he jumps up out of bed & starts dancing around my room… It’s 3:00 am, what the fuck is this dude on! I am not opposed to drugs, I’ve taken my fair share however it is a week night, I am not sure why this man has taken anything to come dance in my bedroom. When he sees that I am sleepy, he decides to go home. He says that he’ll see me around which is our usual goodbye.

The next night he says that he’s going to come over but as I am waiting for ages for him again as usual – not that I’m doing anything at home anyway but then he says that he’s cleaning his house & can’t come to mine but I’m welcome to come to his house that he’s selling & hang out. I figure why not, when he says that he’s out getting drinks but asks me  to bring everything besides the vodka, I also pack up his left over groceries & take them with me, no way is this man thinking he’s got me as his fall back when she dumps his sorry ass… I don’t think I’ve told you either but he lost his job, to be honest he’s the type that is so hard done by, the type that no job is good enough for him. He’s got the woe is me attitude, that the world owes him something, that he should be in a better job but his bosses are cunts, not that he isn’t a hard worker or putting in effort… He doesn’t see what he does but I can sort of see why he was fired.

I get to his house, it’s again another hot late January night, I pull up no the other side of the road… His house is in a new estate, one of those estates where people all park on the road as their long skinny houses are too small to hold all their crap so their garages are full of all the shit. His house is a long skinny house & I walk in & it’s really nice, but I instantly recognise that it’s been styled by a stylist. But it looks a bit off – her cards are on the kitchen bench & OMG the house is kind of a disaster… He has some cleaning products & while he’s putting up a shelf ( that I don’t really understand why he needs a shelf in the laundry to sell the house, I go with it) & then I start cleaning. I am cleaning this fuckers house… It’s open tomorrow & it’s a disaster. The stylist is clearly on crack, the house isn’t clean – like cupboard doors, bathrooms & floors need a huge clean… I pour some vodkas & just get to cleaning. Where the fuck is this guys family?! Where the fuck is this guys girlfriend?! Why isn’t anyone helping him?! Clearly he’s drowning in his to do list… I feel so sorry for him… So the fuck wit I am, I stay at his house & help… I help clean & we end up spending house rearranging the furniture to make it more functional, this is when I suggest that he needs some colour in the bathroom, like my green towels – next minute we’re in my car, he’s driving because I refuse & we’re driving back to my place to get pretty much everything from my beautifully styled bathroom & we’re taking it back – including live plants – to his house to restyle the already styled house… WTF! I am such a wanker…

#IBD4U

I hope the title got your attention!

For those who’ve been with me for a few years, you probably never thought you’d see this name again – did you?! I thought it only fitting for this post, that it be named Noodle, not Silverlining even though it kills me still to say Noodle… Before you get excited or angry, whatever your reaction to a Noodle post, hear me out!

A week post sending my video to what he’s known as at the time, Silverlining, I check all the apps daily waiting for a message as his last words to me were “I’ll chat to you when I can” so I wait & wait for the message to ask me how I am or whatever he might say… But I get nothing. I can only assume that he’s not watched the heart wrenching goodbye video, or he wouldn’t have said that – surely. Also I know she sleeps like 23 hours a day so he has time to chat to me even if she is off for 3 weeks, so he is choosing not too… Good for him for being strong. Maybe he did watch the video of me crying my goodbye to him. However I can’t help but doubt my decision to end it so abruptly. Things are not good for me in ALL other areas of my life & they haven’t gotten better now I’ve cut him off… I can’t help but wonder, was he really the problem?!  

Having asked that question, I realise that I am not the type of woman to stalk someone by heading to their gym to see if their car is there, like I did on that fateful day when I ended it, so I knew it was the time to cut it off, no matter how much it hurt – it hurts with every heartbeat. I made the right decision based on my actions, but now I think I realise that my actions were just a by product of other things happening my 9-5 life.

I also notice around this time or a few weeks later, that he’s deleted his Fetlife (kinky Facebook) account – the one thing, the one social media that we had, that we’d said years before that we had that we could find each other in the future, he’s now deleted it – or worse blocked me on it. I can’t stop crying about this. I am heartbroken all over again. I have nothing left to find him on, chat to him or see him on. That hurts me a lot to be perfectly honest!

I notice that he’s changed him name on the anonymous app too, I’m not sure when he did that, but I notice it when I send him a Christmas message, I can’t help myself when I am drunk & sad but I then send him a new years message & then again, I send him something for his birthday in early 2020, which a few days after new year’s. But they never send to him. He never reads them… They sit at sending forever… Maybe he took my advice & finally got off the chat app. I hope that he has, but it kills me that he has, but it’s also good that he isn’t just trolling online for something more than his partner & more than me. Fuck I am in agony! I have never hurt so much about anything.

Day to day, no one would really know this is going on unless you’re close to me, I am struggling with other issues & am rapidly losing weight because of that. I thought it was him, I thought it was our relationship that was my big issue, but clearly it’s not. This hurts me for sure, but I cut out what I thought was the main stressor & yet I am still losing weight, vomiting & diarrhoea as I leave the house… Maybe Silverlining wasn’t my problem?!

FUCK, what did I do?!

Ironically, I had a dream about him on this day, we were hanging out with his kids then he said he had to go pick her up, I refuse to say goodbye to him & he gets in the car & speeds around to where my car is but I drive off. I wake up in real life reeling but I try to go back to sleep to change the end of the dream, I want to make myself stop the car & talk to him – give him a chance to say something to me… But I can’t get back into the dream again.

So many times I think Noodle has created a new account & is stalking me… I then find a person who’s joined the chat app & said something like Noodle would’ve said to me, calling me a nickname he used & my heart starts pounding… I don’t know why but I let J-Lo stalk Noodle’s partner & he says that he can’t find it under her name… My heart sinks, my pulse starts rapidly beating… I give J-Lo Noodle’s last name & J-Lo says that he found her. I start shaking… FUCKING HELL… He married her?! Are you fucking kidding me! I cannot believe it!

Curiosity gets the better of me, so I look her up on FB but it’s not her… So I tell J-Lo to send me a picture of who he’s looking at because I can’t find her. He sends me a picture & I am ready to sigh a sigh of relief, however, it’s fucking Noodle in her profile picture, she is in a wedding dress & he is in suit. His face looks so fat – fatter than I remember him being, he doesn’t look happy at all, his eyes are a give away, he looks so miserable & she’s looking up at him adoringly with her head on his shoulder. It says that they’re married… Her last name is the same as his…

They got married 4 days after I ended it with him…

4 fucking days!

No wonder he started acting weird, she was going on annual leave to get married, her parents were over from interstate obviously for the wedding… Yet he told me that it wouldn’t be the last time that he would see me?! How the fuck was he going to see me wearing a wedding ring? I am so fucking hurt he never told me… I don’t know what I would have done if he told me, but he should have told me! They were clearly planning their wedding for a while – they were already engaged when I met him, so he would have known when we started up the second time that in a few months he would be walking down the aisle with her saying till death do us part, all the while having a second affair with me, all the while confessing how much he loves me.

But because I never replied to him & his ‘I’ll chat to you when I can’ messages, I’m assuming he never bothered to write to me again. This news of marriage makes me fall apart… Not only am I still being dicked around by fuckwit after fuckwit & the love of my life has married someone else, someone I know he loves – I don’t ever deny that he loves her, I know he loves her but just not the way he loves me (or am I deluded here?! Who knows) & there is nothing I can do about it… Or is there!?

I start thinking about revenge, she’s obviously blocked me on Facebook because I couldn’t find her – even under her new surname, which would seemingly mean that she’s seen my posts that were cryptic after we ended the second time but surely if she saw then she would realise who it was about – that it was about him & yet she still married him?! Anyone who thinks I am judging her, you’re wrong. I don’t judge her, I get it, I can’t walk away from him & I don’t have 2 kids & a 10+ year history with him, so I do not judge her for wanting him or for marrying him… But I do ask questions like why would she want to marry him, however don’t think I’m not asking those questions of myself, because I am!

Other options I have, I toy with the idea of putting a little toy on her car at work which represent my nickname that is an animal which she knows – neither of them could look at this animal & not think of me?! Even friends see this animal & think of me! I know they both would… I think about texting his mobile number when I know they would be together… I think all the crazy things I could do – go to her work, rock up at their house… I then wish that I did leave my hair ball or the condom wrapper like I thought about doing, an earring for her to find when cleaning – though he does all the cleaning so I doubt she would find it anyway… I hate myself but I look at their profiles & I just kill myself looking at them… I block them & never look at them again.

I am not able to eat again, my stomach is in knots. Did he go through with marrying her because I walked away? Could I have changed his mind? I mean I knew this was coming, I knew they were planning it, he just got a big payout at work so assuming they used that, but I can’t help but wonder if I tried hard like my friends said I should back in January 2019 when we were in Kangaroo Island, would things be different?! Or would I still be on this path?!

I know what you’re all thinking & I can just imagine the comments that will come out of this post… However I am shattered right now, I love this man with all my heart, I did everything he ever asked of me… I know he’s a liar, I know that he’s played with my emotions, I know that he’s been an absolute ass to me & to his now wife, however I am so into him that I can’t walk away as easily as you all think I should. This fact annoys me as much as it annoys you, trust me! He’s now married & I still want him!

I am fucking angry that 10 days before his wedding, he was fucking me on their couch & never mentioned it to me – it would have been planned before he even started talking to me in August as a stranger & then after I ended it, he said it wasn’t the last time that he’d ever fuck me (because of what I said in the goodbye email.) It was the last time. He was distant & worried about her family coming over from interstate, he’d  told me that, I just didn’t realise that they were coming over for their wedding. Their fucking god damn wedding!

He’s actually married… He’s fucking given her his surname… He said till death do us part to this woman, when I have no doubt that he was thinking of me that day… I hate that she’s got the life that I want & that he doesn’t think that he’s good enough for me. I hate that he doesn’t get the life he wants because he’s too scared to lose his kids or too gutless to choose the life he wants…

FUCK.

So if you’ll recall, I posted a blog a while ago about my wedding day, the wedding day that I always though I’d have, the wedding that I have dreamed of since I was a little girl – well it evolved as I got older but essentially the wedding of my dreams, the wedding that I never saw a mans face at the end of the aisle until I met Noodle… But now, there is no way I can ever get married. To anyone. Ever. If Noodle can marry his partner after everything he went through with me, then marriage means absolutely nothing.

I am so sure, that Noodle was thinking about me on his wedding day. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. Even if only he allowed it for a split second, I know he did! I always thought that on your wedding day, you would be so committed to the person you are saying I do with, so in love with the person that no one else could ever enter your mind. The fact that he loves me, & said he loves me to my face only 10 days before this & he married her anyway, makes the dream of my wedding just shatter… I will never get married now, as I know, that if anyone ever does propose to me, Noodle will pop into my head, I know he will even if I am not in love with him. I will think of Noodle on my wedding day & I don’t ever want to do that to another person. It’s not fair & I feel for his wife – honestly that is worse than having an affair! That’s fucked up & I am so destroyed by this news.

Ironically, just as a side note, the date that Noodle married his partner, is the same date that Doppelganger married his partner too… (Update on Doppelganger, they no longer come to my gym! Thank goodness!)

FUCK.

#IBD4U

I do not know what I am doing with T**y to be honest, why have I allowed him to come to my house, let alone fuck me… There is something I can’t quite put my finger on with this guy but he’s really funny, good looking & even though I said no dating in 2020 (Remember I am behind in my writing time frame, I don’t usually write in real time) there is also that stupid thing in my head that this guy could just be the guy. He’s single, he’s cute, he’s seemingly interested in me, yes there have been some red flags, but is anyone ever actually completely red flag free?!

After we have sex, he had cum on my belly & I am not sure why men find that so hot to be honest, I would have thought that cumming inside would be hotter, but the guys I seem to date also like the fact that I don’t just jump up & shower so I wear their cum all day the next day or if we’ve had day sex, during the rest of that day.

T**y doesn’t jump up straight away – ready to leave as soon as he’s cum like other guys do, which I like. He lays there, next to me, not really touching me but sometimes he does & he lays there for a really long time, just chatting about all sorts of crap & I feel very comfortable with him. The banter flows easily & he says a few times that he wants to stay over the night but he doesn’t have his tools for work tomorrow or anything to wear, I am mildly disappointed when he finally gets up & starts getting dressed, but it’s very late on a Sunday so I am ready for him to go. He genuinely seems disappointed to leave.

I refuse to message him, he should message me first, right?! I mean it’s always been my rule – my stupid rule that got me into trouble with Noodle the first time. But when I see on the chat app that he has another account with his fake profile picture with another name & both of them are in the same group, I start to wonder what this guy is all about.

However about midday I get a message from him – on the app he apparently deleted on our date, he has my phone number so there is no need to be using the chat app, but he does. He talks about the sex saying he wants to see me again & loves my ass… What is it about my ass, I never thought it was that good… We also chat via text which is weird, chatting on both apps but whatever, I send him a picture of my ass & he says he wants to fuck me like that so I start the topic of anal but he says he doesn’t like anal but would do it if I wanted too… He asks me if I have time for a quickie but I don’t & realise that my period has come too, so I just ignore his messages till he’s messaged to say that he’s already on his way home.

As always I talk to J-Lo about him & J-Lo loves a stalk, he loves to find these men on Facebook or wherever & find out their deal. I’m not much of a stalker, I don’t want to know but stupidly I always allow J-Lo to stalk for me… I don’t know why but he loves to find people, but he can’t find a trace of this guy T**y anywhere…! Odd?! Or does this guy genuinely not have any social media presence?!

The next day I don’t hear from T**y at all or see him on the chat app, so by about 9:00 pm, I decide to message him & I ask if he thought about my ass today & he says that he did. He doesn’t seem that keep to chat but asks me If I thought of anything else, when I say that I thought of him sucking my nipples while fucking me he just says “Mmmmm”. So I don’t reply. The next day I have had the worst day ever, it’s only 10:30 am & I am heading home when I get a message from him asking if I am going to be home soon. Oddly, yes I am so I say that I am & he says to call him when I’m free… then he says he can come around 2:00 pm. No problems, I get in the car & am driving home, I hit call on his number & it rings & rings & rings. It goes to his message bank… I expect to hear something like “Hi you’ve reached T**y, leave a message” but there is his cute voice saying a completely different name. What the actual fuck… I knew it!

When I get a message from him later which is just ???, I guess sort of asking why I called, I just say he told me to call. I sit there for ages wondering about what to do, at midday I ask if he’s coming at 2:00 pm because he hasn’t said anything, he says yes & I ask if he needs my address being he followed me here, he then asks is 4:00 pm is ok. I say it is.

When it gets the better of me, I stalk, I know I said I don’t stalk but I think you’ll all agree this warrants a stalk, I type in his voice mail name & the first person to pop up as a suggestion on Facebook is him. He is sitting on a vintage couch outside in dressed up clothes, seemingly at a wedding or a 21^st type setting, there is a chick next to him leaning on him, her head on his shoulder, her legs are crossed & his arm is draped over her legs, they have big smiles on their faces & both are holding a beer bottle… FUCK. I scroll down his profile a little bit when it hits me “In a relationship with **** *****” Double Fuck. This is why I don’t fucking stalk…

Now I have 2 options, to ditch the dickhead & just move on with my life… But as you all know, this is not what I do, he’s knocking on my door when I realise that he’s not who he says he is so I now have a choice, do I say something the second he walks in or do I wait & see what if he is honest & tells me his real name? I mean he now must know that I know his name is not what he says it is, he can’t be that stupid?! Surely?! I decide quickly to see what happens, I won’t mention it & see how long it takes him to say something… Surely he won’t take long to bring it up.

We go outside with a beer & he has a smoke, we sit outside chatting so easily that I honestly forget that his name isn’t what he’s told me… How can that so easily slip my mind. Am I so starved for male adult conversation that I am willing to overlook this? When he asks me to go to my room, I oblige, we’re kissing & undressing… It’s like I’ve forgotten what a relationship is like, hanging out with someone, having their undivided attention, we’re on the bed kissing & touching each other all over, when I move down his body to take his cock in my mouth & suddenly it hits me… Not only has this man lied about his real name, but he’s got a girlfriend that he’s publicly acknowledged on Facebook. I have him in the most vulnerable position a man can be in, he’s naked with his cock in my mouth & I question him between sucks what is his real name, a cruel game but something has come over me, I must know & I know he won’t tell me the truth, which he doesn’t. He tells me that it’s T**y. I say no it’s not & suck his cock once more, he then tells me the other name (which I forget what it is) of his other fake account & again I do the same, I suck his dick & stroke it telling him it’s not right. He sits up a bit & assures me that it is, I tell him that it’s not & as he moans, loving what I’m doing but hating what I am saying, he doesn’t say anymore… I stroke his cock as I look him in the eye from nowhere I realise what is happening here & so I ask him “So does **** (Insert girlfriends name) suck your cock like I do, **** (insert his voicemail name)?”

#IBD4U

As I am a away on a much needed short trio away in Victoria with my puppies, I haven’t had time to finalise my blog. I’m sorry, there is more coming for T**y , I promise! This article though, really gets you thinking… How kinky am I?

• By Jason G. Goldman

13 February 2015

Leather cuffs, ropes, candle wax, edible underwear. We humans, in all our arrogance, think we’ve got the creative sex market cornered.

But the truth is that we’re nothing more than kinky amateurs in the sexual marketplace. Our non-human cousins have been engaging in sex acts that we might consider taboo a lot longer than we have. It’s nature’s best-kept secret: for any sex act that you might find arousing, and a bit outside of traditional sexual conventions, there’s an animal that not only engages in that behavior, but for whom it is the norm.

You think Fifty Shades of Grey is hot? Here are seven ways that animals are kinkier than you ever thought.

A sip of giraffe urine

Perhaps the obvious place to start is the giraffe. The long-necked animals spend most of their time quietly munching on leaves. At least, it sounds quiet to us, because most of their vocal communication occurs outside the range of human hearing. But what they lack in their ability to shout, they more than make up for when it comes to assessing the suitability of a potential mate. The bull, which is what you call a male giraffe, visits various herds looking for a female, called a cow. When he finds a cow he likes, he doesn’t coyly ask for her number. There are no flowers, no chocolates, no movie dates. He gets right to the point by leaning over and gently nuzzling her rear end. The goal? To catch a sip of her urine.

“When the bull nuzzles her rump,” write researchers David M. Pratt and Virginia H. Anderson, “she must produce a stream of urine if he is to catch some in his mouth and savour it,” they write. The idea is that he can to detect various chemical indicators in her urine that indicate whether she’s prepared to mate. He knows none of this, of course. He’s just doing what evolution has guided him towards doing: wandering around, lapping up some urine, looking for a date.

Hippos’ flying faeces

But the giraffe is an amateur compared to the hippo. The most under-appreciated of the African megafauna, the hippopotamus may seem like nothing more than a waterborne cow, but they are not to be trifled with. According to legend, more people are killed each year by hippos than by sharks, and while they’re not all that graceful on land, they can charge at superspeed when they’re in the water

Like giraffes, male hippos are called bulls. Unlike giraffes, hippos are more into dung than urine. For a species that can be quite aggressive, it is perhaps not all that surprising that they spend a good deal of time marking their territories. And they do that by leaving very large piles of dung on the banks of the rivers and ponds they swim in. As they deposit their excrement, they use their tiny tails as tennis rackets, shooting bits of poo off in every direction. Some males can send their faeces flying off as far as two metres away!

But the males aren’t the only ones who engage in “dung-showering,” as it is called. When a territorial male is on the prowl, the females aren’t entirely passive. If a female hippo is interested, she turns around, raises her rear end out of the water, and presents him with a dung shower of her own. Like the males, the females also use their tails to spread the stinky love around. Researchers refer to this sort of mating ritual as “submissive defecation.”

Garter snakes’ massive mating balls

As winter turns to spring in Manitoba, Canada, the snakes emerge from underneath the ground in search of both food and sex. They get together in aggregations that can number tens of thousands of individuals and wiggle around in massive, writhing mating balls. The balls are created after the females release a pheromone that indicates their presence, a sort of serpentine clarion call. Males from all over sniff her out and slither on over, hoping for a chance to father some limbless offspring of their own.

But group sex isn’t all that’s going on. In the middle of all the sex (or, at least, attempted sex) going on inside the mating ball is a group of males who are pretending to be female.

For a while, many researchers suspected that males who released the same sorts of pheromones typically released by females were doing it to deceive other males. For one thing, pretending to be a female would allow a male to avoid aggression from other, larger, more dominant males. By avoiding the ire of another male, the female mimics could survive another day in hopes of finding a chance to mate. Alternatively, the mimicry could be an effort to trick other males into wasting their sperm. The duped males would go on thinking they’d managed to secure their genetic heritage, none the wiser about the con.

But in 2001, a group of researchers came up with a different explanation: warmth. When a groggy male snake emerges from its winter slumber, it’s only a cool 10 degrees Celsius. But reproductive males are usually a good fifteen degrees warmer. By pretending to be female, the mimic could simply be trying to warm up. As a bonus, by hiding underneath a mass of eager males, the female mimic could avoid predation by the hungry crows that wait nearby.

Three is company for North Atlantic Right whales

Garter snakes may be known for group sex, but usually the snakes only have sex with one partner at a time. That wasn’t the case for a female North Atlantic Right whale who was observed by scientists in the August 2000 in the waters off of Canada.

It was a summer afternoon in the Bay of Fundy when a group of researchers conducting observations of the whales’ summer feeding habits found themselves with front row seats to a scene that would make even Christian Grey, the eponymous male character in the Fifty Shades of Grey book and film, blush. For forty seconds, the three-way was engaged in what the researchers referred to as ‘simultaneous intromission’

A female was traveling with three males, a typical aggregation known as a “surface active group” or SAG. In some species, males compete for reproduction by attempting to prevent others from mating. For these whales, however, the sperm does all the competing. So it’s common for the females to mate with several of the males in her SAG, multiple times. When the female is ready to have sex, she typically rolls over and swims upside down near the surface. The male rolls onto his side to allow his prehensile penis better access to the female’s vagina.

When the researchers observed the female and one of the males begin intercourse, they weren’t all that surprised. The copulation lasted for about two minutes before the male disengaged and rolled back over to breathe. “Several undulations of the penis were observed during the copulation,” write the researchers, “but it is not known whether these were associated with ejaculation.”

About fifteen minutes later, the two whales resumed their positions and began to have sex again. Just then, one of the other males surfaced alongside the pair. And thirty three seconds later, he inserted his penis into her vagina as well. For forty seconds, the three-way was engaged in what the researchers referred to as “simultaneous intromission,” before the first male had to make the threesome into a twosome in order to catch a breath of air.

It wasn’t just an erotic marine mammal ménage-a-trois. It was, as the researchers noted, scientific history: “the first observation of a female right whale copulating simultaneously with two males.”

Sexual frenzy of the grunion fish

Speaking of salty sex, no list of surprising sexual practices could be complete without the humble grunion. It’s an unassuming fish, silvery with hairline streaks of blue, red, and yellow running along the length of their bodies, which rarely grow longer than 17 or 18 centimetres.

For several nights surrounding each new moon and full moon in the spring and summer, roughly from March to August, the fish gather on sandy California beaches from Mexico’s Baja peninsula all the way up to Point Conception. Surfing the high tide onto the shore, the fish have gathered there for just one purpose: to mate.

It’s a salty, sandy, wet, moonlit piscine orgy. The females cruise in on a wave and wiggle themselves, tail first, into the cool wet sand, until just their heads are visible. Once in position, each is ready to deposit her eggs, just four inches beneath the surface. But not before they get fertilised. The males take the next few waves to the shore, gathering themselves in circles around the females. There, they release their sperm in a white-ish fluid called milt. The milt flows down the females’ slick bodies until it reaches the eggs. The males ride the next wave back out to sea. The females twist and turn their way out of the sand and they, too, return to the surf.

Most females spawn six times during the season, which means over the course of an entire season she can lay as many as 18,000 eggs. The males, for their part, release as many as one million sperm in a single spawning event, and they can participate in several spawnings per night. Several hours later, the beach once again gets quiet. The following morning, beachgoers likely have no idea that they’re frolicking about just hours after an intense sexual frenzy.

Buprestid beetles mate with beer bottles

Perhaps one of the most common ways in which humans try to spice things up in the bedroom is through the use of sex toys, or less commonly, inflatable sexual partners. These are usually silicone or plastic objects that have been made to resemble male or female anatomy, either visually or behaviorally, or both. Luckily, our big fat primate brains usually know the difference between a sex toy and the real thing. Not so for an Australian jewel beetle called Julodimorpha bakewelli.

It was in 1983 when a pair of Australian zoologists named Darryl Gwynne and David Rentz noticed a photo being passed around among entomologists of a male beetle attempting to mate with a beer bottle. Was it a fluke or could the behavior be reproduced? The researchers set out in search of beetles and litter. In just half an hour, they spotted at least six male beetles trying to mount and copulate with beer bottles.

Unfortunately for the poor males of the species, the forewings of females are a beautiful brown hue, dotted with small dimples. The problem is that they’re remarkably similar to a particular colour and texture of glass often used in beer bottles. “The shiny brown colour of the glass is similar to the shiny yellow-brown [wings] of J. bakewelli,” they wrote, while “a discarded wine bottle of a different colour brown held no attraction.”

Not only do discarded beer bottles pose an environmental hazard, they also pose a serious problem for these beetles. The bottles are so attractive to the males that they actually prefer them to actual females. And that’s not all: ants have learned to congregate near discarded beer bottles, waiting for a lonely beetle to try his luck. Then, they can quickly attack, overpower, and gobble him up. As a result, the species is rapidly on its way towards extinction.

Red velvet mites’ sperm garden

The red velvet mite sounds like a slightly creepy cross between a spider and a cupcake, and it basically is. When a male decides he’s ready to stop living the single life and settle into fatherhood, he builds a structure that some folks refer to as a love garden.

He constructs the garden from plant parts, using his own sperm as the glue. Then he lays down a silk road leading to the entrance of his garden, like the world’s strangest red carpet. There he sits, waiting for a female to come by. If she likes what she sees, she may accept his invitation back to his place. There, she sits herself down on top of a package of sperm and nutrients called a spermatophore, and the happy couple can rest easy knowing that their genetic legacy is secure.

But some male red velvet mites are bullies. If they discover another male’s love garden – and if it’s empty, because the architect is waiting for his beloved at the opposite end of the silk trail – he’ll make a mess of the place.

It’s not just that he wants to destroy his competition; he wants to let his competition do all the work for him. And he does that by covering the shattered ruins of the love garden in his own sperm. After the original builder does all the hard work of attracting a female and luring her back to his place, she has no problem going right ahead and impregnating herself with the bully’s sperm…leaving the cuckolded arachnid to weep with sorrow and begin the slow process of rebuilding his love garden once again.

http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20150213-animals-are-kinkier-than-you

#IBD4U

So you’re probably thinking this is a fucking dumb idea, that this guy is a dickhead, he’s already stood me up once, that this guy doesn’t deserve another chance, but you know what. I’m clearly an idiot – if the last 400+ blogs you’ve read about me don’t already tell you that, then I don’t know what I can say! Hahaha. It makes for good reading, right?! So stupidly my head is thinking about the Psychic & that this could be the man I deserve, the man named T**y, he’s so cute, funny, nice body & seemingly into me. So why wouldn’t I give him a second chance?!

Also for those of you who’ve had a shattered heart – not just broken but absolutely shattered, you would know that does also weird things to you, it makes you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. It makes your head think things that you wouldn’t normally think. Well this is how I am feeling. Last time my heart was shattered, I fucked everything in sight. This time I let myself heal a little better without fucking every dude that every lived, I have taken the time to do a bit of healing, I mean I have had sex, after all it is me & I have a vagina that thinks like a dick. But there is something not right about this guy, but there is something pulling me to him too – if that makes sense.

T**y says that he will meet me back at the same pub that we were supposed to meet at earlier today. Now the things about this is it’s a Sunday night in the suburbs at about 9:00 pm, so I am thinking that this place isn’t going to be open long & this will be a short date anyway.

So when my family leave my house, I get changed & get in my car thinking, this is a fucking dumb idea. But as I start the car, I see a picture pop up of the pub, at night with him saying that he’s there already. Well that’s promising… I drive there five – ten minutes, making him wait & walk in finding out that the bar is basically closed & there is only the pokies area open, we go in there & it’s tiny with no one in there. He exactly like his pictures, he’s fucking cute, not heaps tall, a little taller than me & he’s got that type of body, not fat but bulky with muscles… He’s got really nice teeth & quite tanned that I’m not sure if he’s 100% Caucasian or if he’s just got a good tan…

When we’re at the bar, I don’t know why but something about the way he holds his credit card to pay for the drinks, makes me try to look at the name on the card, I am not sure why I am trying & why it bothers me that I can’t see it, but is he being weird with is card or am I imagining it?! I try to let it go but it bugs me the entire night… Especially paired with other things he says during the night.

So like every guy I’ve ever dated, who meets me & I’m sure it’s happened to many of you too, they tell you while on the date for like 20 minutes, that they are getting offline, they are deleting all their social media. Some will even delete the app while on the date. Well T**y is exactly this dude, he tells me he’s deleting the chat app but all he does is delete the app, I explain that he has to go to a website to delete his account which he does but doesn’t go through with it. He tells me he’s deleted snapchat & Instagram, that he’s over all that shit too… Again this piques my interest as no one needs to ever needs to say this, but when guys do it makes me suspicious. I guess they say it so I don’t go snooping & look for them – which I never do anyway, however when they tell me they are deleting their social media, it makes me want to search for them! Why say it? I am not deleting my apps after the first date, I am not that deluded to think that man will do it either.

The date goes reasonably well though, although he’s a smoker, I am not, so he does leave me once for a smoke, not for a long time either but he does go outside. We talk openly about sex & his dick pictures that he posts on the chat app & I tell him that it has a scab on it from where he’s cut himself shaving his pubes. We also talk about my vagina too but it’s nothing that exciting however, it is the most open I’ve been with a guy I don’t know about sex.

One funny thing that I will never forget & don’t know why he would share with me to be honest, but he tells me that he has a spoon in the shower – errr, where is this going?! & he scrapes his face with it every day. WHAT? What does that even do. He tells me that it scrapes away all the dead skin & it keeps his skin nice. Okie dokie. That’s the weirdest thing I have ever heard…

We both talk about being fat in the past & how hard we’ve worked to get where we are, he also tells me that he has a twin sister who is quite large, showing me a picture of her, she is bigger than I ever was & he shows me a picture of him too & how big he was. I am impressed, this due has a very nice tanned body & looks nothing like his sister.

As we’re in the pokies area with no one else, we have two beers & it’s a probably like 11:00 pm on a Sunday night, so we say we should go, it’s colder outside for this short skirt I am wearing for January weather, when we get to my car, I stand there awkwardly, he leans up against my car & pulls me to him saying he’s cold, then he kisses me, he really kisses me. I know I have had sex with two men, but this kiss is probably one of the hottest I’ve had with a guy I don’t even know. His hand is up the back of my skirt & feeling my bareish ass as I wear cheekie lace panties… I can feel him get hard against me as I run my hands up his muscly arms. This is so sexy… I don’t know if I can resist him, I don’t know if I can resist not asking him back to my house… He says something about getting in the back of my car & I say that I don’t live far did he want to come back for a drink… WTF? He says of course & he follows me home, when we’re inside we have a beer, sitting outside as he smokes before he asks to take me into the bedroom.

He has a pretty big cock, it’s quite nice to have sex with, I feel fairly comfortable with this guy, even though there are red flags everywhere, I should have my guard up, I shouldn’t be doing this with him so quickly. Especially since earlier today he stood me up! What the fuck… I really need to get my vagina to catch up with my head sometimes… It really thinks for itself!

#IBD4U

Well… You didn’t think there’d be a T**y #2 did you? Neither did I to be honest. I felt so stupid & foolish… I never realised that someone else could make me feel so foolish! I only thought Silverlining would have that power over me. However I realise that it is me who makes me feel foolish, I fall for this bullshit, because while I am not a desperado, I am 100% lonely & I want a partner. Remember that I WANT a partner, I don’t NEED it. But for some reason nothing ever works out for me. I hate it…

So just also to clarify what the significance of T**y, here is the link to the Psychic Fair blog where a psychic told me that I would meet someone called T**y (I am not going to write the name here or in the previous blog either) however all you need to know at this point, is that a psychic told me I’d meet someone with this name – maybe that’s the reason why I went against my gut instinct & tried to meet him?! Or why whenever I see the name, I think this is the guy she was talking about! I don’t know…

I literally get home from the failed date – the stand-up – one of the most humiliating moments of my life & there is a message from T**y on my chat app… I don’t want to look at it! I don’t want to even see what this guy has to say but I can see a little of the conversation in the notifications that he is messaging that he got held up & is 5 minutes away, he asks where I am & that he’s 2 minutes away. He says that he didn’t see me in there. It’s almost 1:00 pm, I mean we were supposed to meet at 12:15 pm, does he really think I am just sitting there like a shag on a rock by myself waiting for him?! I click on the messages so he sees that I read them & ignore – how passive aggressive of me. I get some question marks, then I get his phone number asking me to call him… Hmmmm. No one is that quick to give out their phone number on these apps, so my wall starts to come down – his name is T**y after all, he could be the one she was talking about, however I am not calling him. I am still pissed & tell him that I felt like a wanker, that was the first time I have ever been stood up. I hate that I got dressed in a cute dress & looked good today! Fuck him. I’m going to make him feel bad!

He says that he had a flat battery after getting petrol, he had to get a jump start. He sends about 5 messages saying he’s sorry & he wants to make it up to me, that he’s sorry for making me feel shit, he wants to make it up to me & take me out for dinner… This is a lot of effort for someone he hasn’t even met?! Why do men do this? Is he really interested in me? Is this what being chased feels like!?

I am still angry so I say that he could have messaged me, like it’s not hard to send a text to say “my car is broken down, I’ll be 20 minutes. So sorry” but nope I get something 45 minutes after we’re supposed to meet. I knew my gut instinct was right & why I didn’t go in the pub because something wasn’t right about this guy. I send him a picture of how I look & say ‘pity for you I look amazing today’ he says that I do look hot & he did want to meet me, begging to see me, asking how he can make it up to me. That he feels bad etc. He sends me some pictures of him & OMG, he has a nice fucking body! Plus he’s fucking cute… FUCK… My vagina must control itself… Do not get wet, DO NOT GET WET! Hahaha… Lucky my head is still fucking angry & it’s not like it was with Noodle/SilverLining, that I would be angry & still be dripping wet when he sent me pictures…

I tell T**y that I have family dinner tonight so I can’t. This afternoon was all I had. He asks about after dinner that he’ll be at his house in the suburb close to me all night & I say that I am not going to his house, he says he’ll come to mine which I also laugh at, there is no way I am allowing him to come to my house. He says sorry profusely, then gives me his number again, which I say it’s probably best not to chat to me right now. He senses that I am still angry – of course I fucking am, I have just been stood up for the first time in my life! Even when he said he was 2 minutes away it still took him 15 minutes to message again to say he was there. I ask him if I was supposed to stick around for 45 minutes, he agrees he would be annoyed too. I tell him that this is why I don’t meet people off the chat app & why I haven’t met anyone new in a really long time. He says that he was stressing about getting there on time that he just forgot to message, he’s been out of the loop meeting girls for a while & is a bit rusty. I ask though “You’ve met humans right?! Like if you were meeting your mum for coffee & was late because of a battery being flat, you’d message her?” He agrees that he’s a ‘wanka’ for not messaging but he wants to make it up to me. He keeps telling me to call him, I tell him I won’t call him but I will text him & I will save his name as ‘chat app dick’ which I do, so when I send him a text I say that I don’t even know his name, which he tells me is T**y – same as what it is on the chat app, nothing weird lots of people with common names use their name on the app. I mean when I met Silverlining, he was using his real name too. T**y asks me to call him but I say I don’t have time, but he asks again & before I get a chance to reply, he’s calling! FUCK. I hate when people call…

Ok so to be honest, we chat easily but I don’t let him off easy even though his voice sounds so fucking cute it’s melting my icy exterior rapidly. Double fuck. We talk for about 20 minutes before my sister rocks up to my house – I’d recently learned some new skills to take up my time, instead of looking for boys to chat too online, I had done some beauty courses & started a new hobby, my sister was on her way to get her eyelashes done. But the whole time I am with her, I am thinking about T**y. He messages me instantly to tell me I sound hot, but I reply that he know what I look like, he’s seen pictures, but he says that I sound hot too… I sit there doing my sisters lashes, wondering if I am going to give this guy a second chance or not. Should I? I gave Silverlining a second chance, surely this guy deserves one too? Yes he made me feel like a fool & yes he was the first person to stand me up ever… Does he deserve a second chance? Should I meet him? Afterall the psychic said that I would meet someone named T**y & he would be good for me. Surely this is the man, I decided to give up on dating & this is what the higher being sent me?! Perhaps I should just meet him for one little drink… What harm could that do?!

#IBD4U

Now we’re at the start of 2020…. The no dating or chatting to men is going well! But this blog would not survive with a sex/dating drought from me… I mean it’s barely survived my writing hiatus…

So you’ll all recall if you’re a regular reader, that back when it ended with Silverlining (aka Noodle as he was known back then) the first time, I went to Psychic fair & was asked about a T**y in my life. Obviously at that point there wasn’t a T**y in my life. Motocross Brother was a T**y but I wasn’t attracted to him when he tried to chat to me. People that believe in psychics that I told about Motocross all believed that Motocross was the reason I would have a T**y & maybe the psychic just got it a little wrong. I was only interested in Motocross & was never going to go for his brother. But one friend apparently got goosebumps when I told her about the psychics prediction & that Motocross brother was T**y, she was adamant that that was the connection & that Motocross & I were what she was talking about… Well no such luck with Motocross – or his brother. Hahaha.

So since the Psychic, that has been the only T**y in my dating life, so we all assumed it was that. But whenever a T**y comes up on my online dating or my Facebook or anywhere, even at work, I think this could be the guy, the one the psychic said I’d be with… However as you all know that is not the case! Hahaha.

So when a T**y on the chat app starts joining groups he looks quite cute but I am 100% certain that the picture is not him at all, my interest is piqued… So much for the no dating in 2020. However in my experience, no one is ever that realiable on the chat apps, so I don’t even know why I start planning our future together! But I do start chatting to T**y & when he says that he’s 34, I know that the picture he has up is fake. He says what suburb he’s in & it’s one a bit further south than me. We seem to be the only ones on the chat app chatting, he’s asking me what is my favourite body part on a guy – which is their arms (especially if a bit muscly) & asks to private message me, which I say no, my usual response to be honest. He asks what suburb I’m from & what I’m looking for that I know he’s just looking to find someone to fuck. As soon as I say my suburb, he says that he’s in the suburb next to mine… Hang on?! Didn’t he another suburb before? I call him out on it & he says that he is just at one suburb but lives at the other then proceeds to ask me out publicly in the group, which I say that he didn’t verify (with a face picture) in another group I’m in & got deleted & because I’m convinced that his profile picture isn’t him & that he’s also confused about where he lives, that I don’t think I want to chat to him. He asks how to convince me, so I allow him to send me a face picture with him touching his ear (it’s a standard thing on this app to change where their finger is to stop people from using other people’s photos etc) He takes ages to send me a picture that someone but when he does & it’s a live picture like he was instructed & I think he’s pretty fucking cute… He sends me one with a huge grin, teeth showing then one almost the same with a smile but no teeth showing… Well 2 live photos, this guy is real… He’s fucking cute, in my age bracket, but only seemingly a bit confused about where he is living… I tell him that the profile picture isn’t him & he agrees saying that he doesn’t trust the app to put up his real picture. I agree, I mean after the whole Silverling debarcle, I changed to a bitmoji & hid for months. I only just changed my profile picture back to my actual face after realising that Silverlining is no longer on the app again.

All T**y asks is what I’m doing, which I am in bed & how old I am, which I tell him then he asks me about again, I mean like really… There is something not right about this, why is he pushing so hard, I mean he hasn’t even asked my name. He asks if I want his number & we can chat, I hate chatting on the phone – sometimes I do it all day for work, I don’t want to chat to someone random with awkward conversation. I’d rather text (which I know is dumb) but I also don’t really trust this guy, I am sceptical of him right now. I tell him “You’re cute & in my age bracket & geographical location… But I feel like we’re looking for different things though…”  He asks if I am looking for a relationship which I am not as you all know, I have decided to focus on the other things in my life at the moment & not date or fuck random guys that don’t give a shit about me. He says that he’s not sure what he wants & seeing what happens but I mean I’ve heard that before from Tim Tam while they go out & sow their wild oat thinking they want someone hotter & skinnier than me. He says though “Don’t want one night stand I know that. Getting too old for that.” As much as I want to believe him & fall for this line, I know that I’ve heard it before & maybe it’s true that they don’t want a one night stand but that’s how it turns out… “One day I want a relationship, yes… Not right now though” interesting words from him… I do have healing to do from Silverlining, so I agree with him too & lots of other stuff going on that I need time to myself “I don’t want a one night stand either but I hear that all the time from guys… What I want doesn’t exists so I just don’t bother with men. Hahaha” What a fucking lie, I mean I have been chatting to every fucking idiot on the planet, even when I said I didn’t want too… I don’t make resolutions as you know but I was going to take this year to be me. 2020 I was going to make wise decisions & here I am, day 11 & already talking to a guy I am not sure is telling me the truth!

He asks what I do want then, which I explain, is sort of what I had with Milky TBH. I knew he wasn’t looking for anyone else right in front of my face – for example in my group on the chat app. He was dating others because he’d told me about it, but he wasn’t throwing it in my face in a chat app. We were friends until I thought I caught some sort of feelings for him. Now I know what feelings are, I know that I can keep them separate this time. He says that he’s not keen to use the chat app anyway (Not this old chestnut) & says he’s probably going to delete it soon, I’ve heard that before & he says “Hang out & one person who you have good sex with. Why go anywhere else then??!!” Well yeah that’s what I want but I don’t really want the boyfriend title… I tell him that it’s pretty much impossible “Because most guys think with their dicks & they get scared that I’m going to fall for them if we hang too much or he sleeps over…” He says that he’s not like most guys, which fuck, if I had a dollar for every time that a guy had said that, I wouldn’t never work again!

I say that “I want to pretty much get to a point I don’t have to use condoms with someone I’m friends with, go to the movies with or hang & have dinner… whatever… But I don’t want a boyfriend” Why do I say this to men all the time? I mean I don’t think I want a boyfriend, but do I? I have no fucking idea what I want, let’s face it.

I have a moment where I am like “How did you get me to pm… I NEVER pm people…!” Fuck how did this guy get me to chat to him, that fucking cute smile got me all in a panty twist! WTF is wrong with me vagina, I did say that I was going to look after myself in 2020! He says that he didn’t want to chat in the groups, just to me, he says that he only verified with me & was just about to “bail & delete the chat app”  says that he’s not a fan & he can be bothered with all the rules… Yeah people take it all so seriously these days. I tell him though that he seems suss, with his weird picture, him not knowing what suburb he lives in & the fact that he keeps asking to catch up really quickly. Again I’ve heard this all before, yet somehow I am falling for it from this guy… Didn’t TT teach me anything? Am I so desperate for affection?!

We get onto the topic of my backyard for a bit & things he will do for me if we’re FWB then he asks to send pictures, I roll my eyes. I mean fuck, why do men do that… He sends me a picture of him with his dog & I send him another bitmoji (snapchat cartoon) picture, then he says “About 12” OMG, he wants 12 pictures?! No he says, he wants to meet at 12, tomorrow… It’s all happening so fast, but I find myself telling him that I won’t have much time & that I am not fucking him. But then he starts to write one word answers & so I say chat to me tomorrow, I’m going to sleep!

Next morning I wake up really early as my friend called me at 7:40 am to come over before she catches the ferry home to KI after being evacuated due to the fires… I wake myself up by trolling the groups on the chat apps, T**y has posted his cock in a group he knows I am in at like 2:30 am. Why the fuck do guys do that?! Clearly he’s just looking for a quick hook up, who else does that at 2:30 am? He finally messages me at 10:00 am saying ‘hey how are you?’ & 20 minutes later he asks if I’m still keen to catch up. I say that I can, but I only just got home from a walk at 11:30 am, so I say 12:15 pm. He says all good, to let him know when I’m free. I shower & get ready, trying not to put in too much effort, just as I’m about to walk out the door, I get a message from him thinking it’s going to be him saying he’s there already but it’s him asking if we can meet at 12:30 & should we meet at the outside part. I say lucky he messaged, I was just about to leave but 12:30 pm is fine & yes outside. I have this feeling… A feeling in my gut… This guy is catfishing me or something, something just isn’t right… I don’t know what but something isn’t right… I head to the pub & wait in the car till 12:35 pm for him to message but he doesn’t, so after another 5 minutes, I ask if he’s inside & his app is closed the little greyed out d like I often saw with Noodle waiting for him to open the app. I sit there for 10 minutes before I shake my head knowing I was right & I drive home. I try not to cry, in fact tears don’t come, I don’t want to ruin my eyelash extensions… He’s not worth it!

This might surprise you all, but this is the very first time that I have been stood up… I mean I didn’t go into the pub, so is it technically a stand up?! Fucking hell, I knew there was something about this guy, why didn’t I trust my instinct… Why did I agree to meet him… I mean after the final disaster of 2019, why didn’t I stick with my 2020 resloution. I feel like a fucking fool, I feel so stupid… I get home feeling like a fucking wanker! Can you not see why I got so entwined with Silverlining – TWICE!? Fuck I miss Silverlining. I hate being alone, I hate it… I am so fucking lonely & I miss talking to Silverlining about everything.

#IBD4U

A few days before the end of 2019, I see this guy enter one of the rooms in the chat app. I barely private message anyone anymore & I haven’t chatted a lot to people since ending with Silverlining the second time. As you know Tim Tam & Elvis are the only guys I’ve been with since ending with him over 2 months ago. At the time of this story, Tim Tam is still in the picture, but he’s not been talking to me much, so I have been bored, chatting elsewhere but have definitely not fucking or interested in fucking anyone else. I hate that I have lost the one thing I wanted & I know that when Silverlining & I got brought back together, I had fucked everything under the sun & while it’s none of his business, I told him & don’t want to do that again, it was unfulfilling anyway, so I don’t want to fall into that trap again.

This guy starts chatting to me & he’s cute. We have good banter, but I think it’ll be nothing. He says that he’s having a trial separation from his FWB who he’s only been seeing a few months… What the actual fuck… Firstly, who even have a “trial” separation, either you separate or you don’t. I don’t even understand how that works, I understand taking a break but not a trial separation… & also it’s his FWB… This is a fucking huge lie that I don’t even give a shit about.

I end up giving him my snapchat, which I never give out because I hate that it’s my whole name, first & last. So I try not to give it to anyone. But I do to this guy…

When we’re chatting he sends a lot of pics, lots of pics of his tatts but not really ever of his dick, which is surprising for snapchat… He keeps talking to me about having a NSA thing, I don’t want NSA. I’ve been there done that. I am not sure I could have a functioning relationship while still in love with someone else, so I say that a FWB who is actually a friend not just a fuck buddy, but he says that he wants someone he can chat too whenever, not often & fuck whenever they both can get away! But also if we get over it or find someone else, then it’s done with no drama… Like I get where he’s coming from but the thing that fucks me off most about this, is why I am always the half-time lover. The in-between relationships lover. Why aren’t I ever the one that gets the man who’s ready for a relationship? I tell him I’m not really interested in this offer from him, I am sort of kinky & like to build trust, I’ve had enough one night stands in my time that I was someone regular. He then talks about tying me up, having his way with me then leaving the room… I’m like well it’s a pity you’re only looking for a one night stand. He tells me that he isn’t looking for one night but wants casual. Well everyone here knows that I don’t just let anyone be kinky with me. A guy has to earn that with me. Silverlining was the first man that I let do things to me after only fucking him a couple of times where I trusted him so much!

We’re chatting the day Elvis comes over, Elvis is running late & being annoying taking his time getting here. TT also says he’s deleting the chat app & that’s why I needed to add him on snapchat. However, this has all pissed me off, TT is still chatting in the groups I’m in & Elvis is supposed to be here to fuck me but hasn’t rocked up yet.

Later when TT is chatting, asking how the sex was, I tell him that it was good & he says that he wants to fuck me, but I’ve probably had my fix. Well yes, I have, Elvis was very good today in the bedroom, I don’t need more sex, plus I don’t know this guy enough to invite him over! Do I even want to invite him over?

So basically with this guy, every time I don’t reply within minutes, he messages to ask if I am alive. Because it’s snapchat I send a few pictures but nothing too elaborate as I don’t want to send him much but I send him a few things to keep him interested. I am also messaging him the night I am supposed to go out with Coutry who if you read along, you’ll know he bailed because of his sunburn. This guy is ready to come over but I don’t tell him that Coutry bailed.

TT invites him self over to my house, over & over again but I tell him that I don’t know him but I do say that I am super doper horny (what a surprise) but when he sends me a picture of his cock, it’s super long, which you all know that I don’t like as they hurt me, so I prefer a nice thick smaller cock to fit inside me. I don’t think I would even get his inside me without it hurting my ovaries.

He asks again & again & says that he can be there right now, but I say I don’t know him well enough. He says at 2:13 pm that he can be at my house but will leave need to leave by 3:00 pm, but I tell him that I think that we should meet at pub first, I mean I have seen pictures of his face & body & everything but I am not sure I want to get involved with a weirdo I don’t know. He talks to me about meeting him at a park instead of a pub & we can have a quick chat then we can go back to my house & have fun… I am tempted but I am also still reeling from my last failed whatever with Silverlining.

He keeps banging on about meeting today but I keep saying how it’s too quick, by the time he gets to my house we’ll have 30 minutes. He tells me that he wasn’t to jerk off & I am being frustrating, that he will go into work later. Who starts work at 3:00 pm on  New Years Eve?! Which is exactly what I say, he says he’s an engineer… Like really?!

When he gets in the car to come to my house, I haven’t even given him my address but he says that he’s driving south… WTF… I can’t believe I am doing this! He says we don’t need to fuck we could just 69 or something… Then I get “I’m super nervous” WTF. Why is he nervous?!

I give out my address & he says 20 minutes. Which mean I am going to be a one night stand or some sort of once off fuck. I bet I never see this guy again!

He comes over & in my door, he is shaking when he walks in, he’s acting like he’s never done this before.. We kiss for a bit in the hallway, I  take him down the hallway to my bedroom & he’s still shaking. He says to me that we should’ve met in a pub like I  had suggested. WTF?! Is he kidding… Does that mean he thinks I’m ugly or fat?! FUCK. I didn’t want to do this in the first place & now I am feeling like shit while this fuck wit can’t decide what he wants.

He jumps up & leaves… or I basically kick him out. He never speaks to me again but he stalks my snapchat stories for a few weeks before I delete him.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

So I’m pretty sure that this guy had a partner & I was the first person he cheated with… I had used another phone to save all the snapchat messages by taking a photo of my phone rather than screenshotting.

FYI – Just so you know, he is still bouncing around the chat app in 2021… Do men think I’m that stupid to believe “I’m deleting the app, I’m so bored with it” OMG.

But this is when I actually make the resolution of sorts: No dating in 2020.

FUCK DATING.

#RIP IBD4U.

Here is the post I forgot to post last week! Hahaha… Whoops. I know why, because I hadn’t done the heart so I forgot to post it! Sorry… Also this new wordpress is a disaster to use & keeps telling me I don’t have the authority to make changes to posts! FFS.

Happy Valentines day to those who celebrate it & to those who don’t. Happy Blog post day! Enjoy. xxx

So anyway just to wind back to the end of 2019 when I was seeing Silverlining, 2 months since I last saw or heard from Elvis, he is back! As you all know, I am heavily involved with Silverlining again & it’s not a good position to be in. So as much as I hate doing it, I engage with Elvis. He’s cute, young & not too bad in bed.

Now because I wasn’t thinking clearly with everything going on with Silverlining & the stuff going on at work that I don’t remember a lot from this but I know there are 2 times I catch up with Elvis during this time, I wrote some notes but this will be pretty vague & so this is all mainly from memory. However, it’s a part of my story & something that I feel is important to explain why I do what I do in the future & why I am like I am.

So Elvis was seeing someone but that ended which is why he is messaging me again – I seem to be his rebound. I mean this guy is a fair bit younger than me but he is cute, we get along, he’s funny, he’s fairly smart, he’s cleaned up his act & working again. Besides the age gap, I am not really sure why this guy isn’t interested in me, if he keeps contacting me when he’s single. Maybe I am just the fuck buddy with him…? I don’t know but I mean I am not sure I want more but surely I am worth more than just a fuck buddy? I always just think I am too independent & strong for some men. But then I see the women they are with after mean & realise that they are wanting a trophy girlfriend, which I don’t think I am. I am not plastic with make up put on with a trowel. I am real, I have wrinkles & I am no a stick figure by any means.

Anyway he comes over & we talk a lot, having a beer before we have sex, I end up sitting on the kitchen bench chatting mainly about foods, exercise & healthy lifestyles, something that we have in common, I start to think that we actually have a lot in common & I do start to think, why have I kept this man at arm’s length, is it because he’s a friend of my friends ex-boyfriend?! A guy no one knows about, no one knows that I have ever met him, let alone fucked him… Anyway I am sitting on the kitchen bench, a subtle hit for him to make his move, when he does. He comes up to me, running his hands up my legs & kissing me passionately.

When I am with someone else, I don’t think of Silverlining while having actual sex but he always pops into my mind… This time he does & I hate that I am thinking about Silverlining & what he would think if he knew I was about to fuck someone else.   

Elvis and I are naked in the kitchen before I take him to my bedroom. Elvis tries to be dominate & because he says he doesn’t last long with actual sex, the foreplay goes on for what seems forever. I am definitely not complaining, he’s good at it. I guess the only weird thing for me, well not weird as in he’s a weirdo but something I have never had done to me before, is he likes feet, like has a foot fetish, so he played with my feet a lot & also sucked on my toes. Even writing it is making me feel weird in my tummy. I am not sure a foot worshiper is for me, however I allow it & don’t mind trying this but it’s a bit odd for me & I start to wonder if he’s going to ask me to suck his toes. I really hope not because at this point he hasn’t even taken off his socks. I don’t want to suck his toes because I am not into that but also they would be hot & sweaty & the fluff from your sock between your toes… Like ewwww… Isn’t that call toe jam?!  It’s a warm day so no thank you! I’ve been wearing sandals but I am not even sure I am comfortable with him sucking my toes but there you go, I allow it. I don’t think I will do it ever again – but you know me! I never say never. Hahaha.

Another time, I think that Silverlining & I were long over, perhaps. I don’t go out & fuck everything that moves. In fact I only have sex with 3 people between Silverlining & my next big thing… Elvis has just broken up with another chick & contacts me to meet up with him, I invite him over – this time it takes a bit of planning for some reason, but we make it happen. I am still very broken from the whole Silverlining thing & also bamboozled by the Tim Tam saga that I thought was going somewhere…

Again Elvis & I stand around having a few beers before we move into my bedroom, this time Elvis is very dominate. Like super dominate that I don’t even know where this has come from. He’s always been dominate but doesn’t take the lead if that makes sense, he waits for me to top from bottom to direct him what to do. This time he ties my up to the bed & makes me cum over & over again that I am squirting everywhere. I haven’t been able to squirt since Silverlining & even then the second affair with him, I didn’t squirt a lot in fear of leaving my DNA places it shouldn’t be!

When I am talking & telling him what I want him to do, he covers my mouth & stops me from talking… OMG when did Elvis grow some dominate balls? I fucking love it. Though the thought that always pops into my head when a guys in naturally like this with me – I think about Silverlining! FUCK.

After I cum & cum & cum, Elvis decides to wipes his cummy hands all over my face! OMG, I love this… What is happening? I don’t think he’s ever been this hot! I have to say I’m loving how dirty he is today! We fuck & he doesn’t last long while actually having but his foreplay game is so strong it doesn’t even matter…

I message him a few months later when things aren’t really happening for me with anyone but I get a non-committal type reply, I find out later that he has a girlfriend & they make it Facebook official, I see them together meeting the family at Christmas & she’s stunning as every guy I have sex with ends up with! I’m happy for him, it’s just a bit shit, why don’t guys have the chemistry with me enough to put in the effort for me? Aren’t I worth it?

#IBD4U

Ok readers, this is a different type of blog than I usually write. I write in the here & now. 2021. This may change your life, as it has mine… Well my sex life at least! Hahaha…

As a disclaimer, this blog is vastly about periods & period sex. So if you don’t like that, you have been warned! Hahaha.

As you all know if you’re a regular reader of the blog, about 2 years ago I had my tubes tied as I was sick of my weight fluctuating due to all the hormones I put in my body while on hormonal contraception. Knowing that I didn’t want children, I needed a more permanent solution to contraception without hormones. There is only 2 options – the copper coil or tubal ligation. I have since found a 20 something year old recently who was given the copper coil so I probably would have gone for that if it was offered to me, but when I had a Mirena IUD it was put in while I was under as apparently my cervix is so tight so assuming why that’s why the copper coil wasn’t an option for me. Anyway what’s done is done, my decision remains the same.

So the issue now for someone sexually active like me, with no way of controlling my period, what the fuck do you do when someone you’re seeing hates blood to the point it’s an actual phobia (stories to come not about his phobia but who) & when you both have a hectic schedule, the only time he can see you is right what will be the second day of your period. If you don’t fuck the guy on this day I just mentioned, then you probably won’t have sex for who knows how long. Also it’s been a while since you had sex with this person too, meaning I am super horny. Paired with the hormones running through my body, I am determined to have sex.

I honestly love sex when I have my period, there are many articles that explain that a woman who orgasms during her period will have less abdominal pain. I know this to be true myself. I often use a vibrator on the outside while using a tampon to make myself cum – as this is less messy but also because I’m horny. As most women know, your womb is contracting as it tries to shed the lining that it didn’t need that month, which is what causes you pain. But then you orgasm, your womb also contracts & somehow makes it less painful… I still sometimes need pain meds, but seriously just have an orgasm & your pain will be gone!

There are obviously options for period sex with this dude, just rock up & pretend I didn’t have my period & he brought it on? Make him feel good about having such a manly sized cock to bring on my period. Or try to make him have shower sex (which we’ve never really done before so might not to be easy to push this idea & what if he doesn’t go for it.) but I also know if he sees any blood he’ll freak out. Do I rock up & tell him I’ve got it but I wanted to see him anyway, then just pleasure him – which turns me on anyway but then it will just be frustrating for me. Urgh. What to do?

Anyway a few days before this looming date, I’m hoping & praying that I don’t get my period, that’s the first & only hope – the first plan, but I need a backup obviously. (But the fucking thing is like clockwork! I get my period on the due date) now I am googling ways to stop my period like a fucking teenager. Hahaha. One of the options is to have an orgasm before you have sex… I know this to be true. It does stop the flow for a little while.

So before it comes I remember a friend telling me about a sponge. This friend is (or was) a reader – a lot of friends stop reading as they feel like it’s too hard to read such intimate details about their friends sex life. However I remember her saying something about a sponge for sex. Now I am not an expert on this nor am I telling you to do it. But I will share my experiences with you & you can decide AT YOUR OWN RISK what you will do should you need this handy life period hack.

So my friend explained that you get a sea sponge, like a makeup one – which she said are hard to find & stick it inside you before sex & bingo, mess free period sex. Sounds too good to be true right? This could be a game changer for me.

I google. Fuck Dr google is never a good idea however as I google sea sponges. My friend says they are hard to find – I don’t have much time to get one before sex day so I am surprised when I find some at Petbarn, Bunnings and even Officeworks. Not all of these will be fit for purpose, of course, but at least the search isn’t going to be ridiculous like she thought it might be. The most exciting part of this google search is finding a store call the period store who stock them as reusable tampons. Who knew this was a thing?? This eases my mind a bit more. They can be left in for 8 hours & washed, re used & great for the environment – a bit like a menstrual cup which I have no been able to bring myself to use because I reckon it’d be messy.

I head to the pharmacy & find a fairly small make up sponge for $10 & buy that. But I think the other ones will be better, this one seems a bit too small. At bunnings they aren’t really sea sponges, they are painting decorating sponges that are like a kitchen sponge, plus they are quite big, bigger than the palm of my hand. The Petbarn sponges are for hermit crabs & literally a teeny tiny sponge for their water bowls. I decide against them too. Well the one from the pharmacy will have to do. If this doesn’t work I will just have to pretend I just got my period while he was fucking me – he’s been ok with this in the past when it’s has genuinely happened but won’t touch me after he’s had blood on his cock.

Day two of period, day of sex. I had spent the night googling others who have done this & got a few tips. Especially from the QLD sex worker website, helping sex workers to use them & what to say to clients. Who knew this was actually a real thing. One lady who did a review on a blog or something, seemed to put the sponge inside her dry & said she could feel it until it was moistened with her fluids I guess, whereas my friend said to wet it. I did play with it the night before, feeling that it got a bit too wet if I drenched it in water. So in the morning when it’s a little drier, I add a few drops of water to make it pliable but not soaking wet. As I poke it in, it goes in easier than I expected for a sponge. I push it in as far as I can, then feel around to see if he’ll notice it. I can’t really feel it that I start to stress about how I am going to get the fucking thing back out! The size is perfect, I definitely don’t want any bigger like the ones I saw at bunnings.

I do also make myself cum before we meet – mainly because I feel like I am a little dry & I can see if this sponge thing works. It does so far, yet somehow allows me to get lubricated for his cock. I don’t understand the human body sometimes. But I am wet for sex but no blood which is good.

Sex is the same, it feels no different for me, he never says anything about it being different either. So the sponge is a successful plug. There is no blood & I feel very wet – which is usual for me, I do freak out a few times thinking it’s blood but it’s not. He even goes down on me & I don’t mind – if fact I cum hard… (I usually don’t let guys go down on me during my period).

The sponge is a perfect solution, there was no sign of blood, I barely felt it during sex. However there is a few downsides to the sponge so it’s not all wonderful. While there was no mess during sex, I could feel it when I was being fingered & it was a lot of pressure inside of me – almost to the point of pain. However while having sex, there was no pressure & no pain. So maybe his finger is in deeper than his cock, I don’t know but being fingered was different to being fucked.

When it was time to take out the sponge, I started freaking out – even though they can be used as a tampon according to websites, I wanted it out asap. As I slide my clean finger in, everything felt the same, soft, warm, wet & squishy. Where the fuck is the sponge? So I literally squat so close to the ground in the bathroom & I think I feel it. I saw a picture on google drawn of course where the person hooks their finger around it or slip two fingers in & pinch it out. But after sex, I couldn’t get two fingers inside me. As I hook my finger around the sponge, it came out fairly easily but a few drops of blood dripped on the floor too, lucky I did this in the bathroom for easy clean up. I cleaned the sponge & all was well.

If I was a product reviewer, I would seriously say that this is an amazing idea. I always thought growing up when I would skip my periods for like 10 years, that this can’t be good for me. I also think contraception is the reason so many women struggle with weight, especially when we skip our periods so often. Yeah they’re annoying but they’re there for a reason.

So I have actually purchased some reusable sponges for this purpose – sex & maybe for tampons. In the future this could happen more & even if they aren’t paranoid about blood, I can have sex without freaking out they are going to see blood… This is a serious game changer. Again though, do this at your own risk.

#IBD4U

Fussy Definition

/ˈfʌsi/Learn to pronounce adjective adjective: fussy; comparative adjective: fussier; superlative adjective: fussiest

Fastidious about one’s needs or requirements; hard to please.

The number one thing I have been told as a single person may or may not surprise you. I’ve done a blog about all clichés I have been told like “You’ll meet him when you least expect it” blah blah blah, however the number one thing I am told when I talk about my dating life is that “You are too fussy”

Fussy as definded by a google search above is that one is hard to please because their needs aren’t being met. If you follow the definition of fussy, yes I am. My needs aren’t not being met. However, they way people mean it when they say it to a single person, is that you throw away all the good men because they aren’t perfect.

I would 100% disagree with this now. I have dated so many men & there are very few that I’ve ever had the chance to reject. I have even recently gone back for seconds with douches who called me a “Hagg” (whatever he meant about that!)

I have in the past been fussy, when I was overweight I was bitter & always thought I deserved better than what I got, however, I still never really had the oportunity to reject anyone before they rejected me.

#IBD4U

So there is a Tim Tam #3. Lets get on with it, because this is still stuff happening in 2019, les get caught up to the shit show year that was 2020. By the way, happy 2021 everyone, hope it’s treating you well so far!

So after Tim Tam jumps up & kills the spider for me in my bedroom, he gets back into bed & we talk. We do attempt sex again but he can’t keep it hard & he goes down on me. He notices the restraints through the sheets & he says something about them again & I realise that he’s really worried about them & what it means. I guess I consider myself kinky, I don’t like labels & as you all know I am not kinky with random men ever, they have to earn my trust. Which reminds me of something Foodland talked about – he wanted to know more about my kinky side. I talked but not in detail & told him that I won’t be doing anything until I can trust him. Lets face it, I have only really been kinky with 3 men my whole life, so I’m not like an expert or anything by any means!

But I think this intimidates Tim Tam when he feels the restraints & feels out of his depth, that’s fine I am not going to push him to do anything he doesn’t want too & I tell him this, I also explain it’s more for me than him when he tells me again he doesn’t want anything up his ass… Again, I never asked to put anything up his ass…

When Tim Tam leaves I think that he’s probably going to need me to make an effort to message first, I can just tell that he’s a bit freaked out by the conversation tonight. Kink isn’t something I talk about with people early on, in fact most of the time the three guys I have been kinky with have brought it up themselves. Except Silverlining, we just sort of evolved into it, I knew he was dominant & he knew I liked to be dominated, but by the second time we fucked I trusted him with everything that I tied myself up & waited for him. I guess that isn’t going to happen with Tim Tam. Hahaha. That’s ok, I am honestly not ready for another kinky guy. I have destroyed my friendship with the only man I ever loved, I don’t think I am even ready for this casual thing with Tim Tam.

However, I message him again when I haven’t heard from him in a while, he messages back & I cheekily ask if he’s on the spider hunt, & send him a meme that says “I just whispered ‘come at me bro’ to a spider & it ran towards me, so now I’m running naked down the street.’ He laughs & he says no, but I’m not sure if he gets the inuendo in the suggestion but I he replies then stops & I never hear from him again! Yeah another one bites the dust!

One interesting fact about either me or men I choose, I always seem to find a man who hasn’t slept with anyone else since their long term partner. Origin. Noddy. Elvis. Probably Motocross. & I am almost certain that Construction was the same. Why am I the rebound girl? What is it about me that screams rebound? Why aren’t I the one that the men want to be with. Noddy told me that he didn’t want to use me as a rebound & that’s exactly what he did… Origin the second time around said the same & now they’re both in relationships, with beautiful women. Is it that I am not as beautiful as them?

This isn’t a healthy mind set, so I decide to take control. I have ended things with Silverlining only a few months before, it’s almost 2020, (remember I’m not in real time) so I make a pact with myself to focus on myself. Focus on me. Get a hobby, which I create a hobby business & put my name on some lists with breeders for a puppy. I am going to focus on my career in 2020 (not that I haven’t my whole life already), I am not going to date. I am really going to get my life under control, my finances. I am going to try not to think about not only the love I destroyed, but the friendship with Silverlining. I am going to work on me. I actually welcome in the new year 2020 with such optimism that this is going to be my year, that this is going to be focusing on me, focusing on loving myself.

What a fucking twat I was! I mean 2020 was literally the worst year in history, not only did I not have the man I love, I lost my job, my hobby business was closed due to covid, so I had nothing to occupy my time… What a disastrous mix!

Bring on the stories of 2020. However, with new found mantra – not a new years resolution – I hate those, I don’t know what I am going to write about, there is going to be no dating. No men. No idiots – lets see what happens! Keep reading to find out!

#IBD4U

So I’m skipping ahead with the time line actually, without giving too much away in my dating life right now, this is more recent – I still have a lot of content but this one is bugging me. I have dated another guy earlier that I dated before which I will write about because apparently I’ve dated them all, now I’m dating for the second time but I really want to hear what you guys think.

If you don’t remember Foodland, then click the link & go back to have a read. I wish I had of before I attempted date number 2, I would have kept to my gut instinct & not gone there at all! Spoiler alert, number 2 isn’t sounding promising, is it?! Hahaha.

Anyway a few times over the years when I am online dating Foodland comes up often & I chat but it usually fizzles out – mainly because of the first time, what’s the point, he had his chance with me. When I am with Silverlining, I am a bitch to Foodland knowing that I don’t care if I hurt his feelings but I give it to him straight & tell him he was a dick for fucking me then never messaging again. He again disappears & I think no love lost.

Another passage of time goes by & Foodland pops back up again, I decide to give him a go, I have given another dude from the past. a go post Silverling ending that I think perhaps this may work out?! Foodland tells me I was really angry last time we chatted & I explain that I was because I don’t want to be used, I didn’t feel like he was putting in effort & he says that he didn’t feel like I was interested or putting in effort either. Ok, fair call, I probably wasn’t when I was still chatting to Silverlining, but this time, I figure that I’ll give him a chance.

When he invites me out after I tell him that he never actually asked me out on a date the last few times we’ve chatted. It’s a crazy time for me, a friend & her baby have moved in as she left her partner & I have dogs now, after living with just my cat for the last 14 years, my house is a disaster, baby & dog stuff everywhere.

Foodland suggests gold class cinema because he wants a drink, I’d never been so I agree to go out with him on Friday night. We chat all day but I am out with my friend so when I don’t reply quick enough he asks me another question or sends me a picture of what he’s doing. Same as when I am at the gym, I don’t reply quick enough & he asks me if I want him to leave me alone. I tell him I will reply when I can between reps. I don’t see it as needy but think it’s sweet he’s interested.

He offers to pick me up Friday night, when I realise that he lives right by the cinema but he comes so far out of his way to come get me, but I tell him that he can’t come in via text, with my friend & baby here, the house looking like a disaster, but he says that he’s coming in, there’s no stopping it.

He also tells me that there are two rules to tonight’s movie, that he will hold my hand & he can shut his eyes if it’s scary. I tell him that he can’t hold my hand… FUCK! I do not want to hold his hand! I know that I have had sex with this man at some point in the past so I take the opportunity to remind him that I am not going to have sex with him tonight – he says that he was waiting for me to say that to him & I tell him I think that holding hands is to intimate. He & my friend do not get this but let me explain. I have lived with one man who barely held my hand & been in love with one man who never had time to hold my hand & we both regretted that. It’s such an intimate thing for me, that means something. It means there is affection, friendship possibly love. Not some random boy who I fucked once like 5 years ago & haven’t heard from again.  

Because I don’t want to have sex with him tonight, I tell him he needs to work for it a bit more than get it on the first date like last time – even though his isn’t a first date I tell him that we need to go on more than one date. So he asks to see me Sunday, but I am busy & we work out that we can catch up Monday. Well this is promising 2 dates set up!

I spend a short time getting ready for Friday nights date, asking my friend & kid what to wear – she suggests a dress she likes me in but it’s a bit casual & she suggests that’s what I will wear on Monday’s date. We pick an outfit & when I enter the lounge room once I’m dressed, she tells me I look amazing. I feel like I have crazy hair & my make up is too simple but it’s the boost to my ego that I need, is that I look stunning & amazing. I am confident, this guy & I get along already so this date should be good.

When he arrives at my house, my friend is peering out the window saying how tall he is, he comes in & meets her & the baby, they have a laugh & my friend makes a joke about holding hands. She talks to him about his car, I ask him if he’s got the tickets to the movies, he says no but he’s booked a table at the restaurant I choose. As we leave he’s booking the gold class tickets, at $45 a pop.. Fuck the movie are expensive!

We order dinner, which he pays for, I order steak & he gets the order right. I did offer to pay for dinner being he bought the movie tickets but he tells me to just get us drinks, which I do. He buys another drink for us as the conversation flows easily. So easily that when my friend texts me to ask me if he’s held my hand yet, I laugh & tell him – its now become a big joke of the date but I honestly really don’t want to hold his hand.

We get to the movie & I suggest a bottle of wine for the movie, when he says he doesn’t drink a lot of wine so I can pick – in hindsight we should have just got a drink or two each, not a bottle. I am already ticking over very well!

We watch the movie, as his hand slides over to my leg, I actually think that this guy could be something more & against my better judgement, I let my guard down, just for a second & I let his fingers slide though mine & we hold hands for most of the movie!

OMG how risqué!

Anyway after the movie, we get in the car & as we’re driving home he takes a detour to a carpark & pulls up, turns to me & starts kissing me. The kissing is nice, it’s not amazing but it feels good. He doesn’t try anything further before he pulls away & we’re driving up the expressway. As we get closer to my house, I suggest the local boat ramp for some more kissing, which he does, we get out to look at the moon but I’m cold so we get back in kissing some more before he drops me home. Unfortunately because I am a bit more than tipsy, I don’t recall a lot of what happened, except that when he drops me off he doesn’t wait till I am inside before he drives off.   

I go to bed & fall fast asleep just after midnight.

I awake around 8:30 am, getting ready to go to the gym, I feel a little shit – why did I drink so much! Urgh… There is a message from him “Night u thanks for a fun night” sent at 12:24 am. I quickly write back in the morning while running late, half asleep not thinking “Thanks. You’re welcome. I had fun too.”  Expecting a reply later in the day, but nothing comes. At all! In fact I never hear from Foodland again! EVER…

What the actual fuck! I honestly feel violated… I explicably told him I did not want to hold his fucking hand because it means something to me & this guy has the audacity to not write to me ever again?! On Sunday with still no reply from him, I write “… Can I just ask, why did you even want to hold my hand so desperately?”  I get nothing so on Monday after he sends me a snapchat of his outfit for ice skating & looks at my snapchat story, I say “You’re a strange unit. Best of luck. ”  

So another fuck wit bites the dust… Since then he looks at every story I post on snapchat, as does Motocross – still to this day! Hahaha… What is with that?

I know that hand holding doesn’t mean as much to others as it does me, clearly because my friend thinks I am fucking hilarious how upset I am that I let my guard down & held his hand to just be ignored the next day! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I get that it might not be what he expected, but why ghost me? He didn’t have to message me at 12:30 am to say he had a good time if he didn’t. That would have been the perfect time to ghost me… Men are so weird, I have no idea how to decipher this one…!

Another friend thinks he was pissed off I didn’t write back immediately or that I didn’t say sorry for the next day reply… But really?! Is he that childish & needy?

What do you think happened here?!

#IBD4U

Yes, before you say anything… This guy has a spelling error in his name! I don’t even know how I am going to keep up with it, it’s so annoying, I point it out to him & he says that he knows… WTF?!… So I nickname him Grape in my phone, eventually for reasons I can’t disclose or it will reveal too much about him. I met him online around the time I was online before Noddy – I think we met on the chat app but possibly we met on a dating site then chatted on the chat app… I can’t really remember how this begun, but we chat on the chat app.

We chat sporadically for a while but then he just kind of just disappears – he’s living in Port Lincoln but also staying . Following that, he tries to talk to me a few times but I ignore him… What’s the point? I mean is there any point, I decided I deserve better which is why I ended it with Silverlining 2.0 but I wonder if this is all I am going to get from a man. A half ass relationship, a half ass messaging buddy?!

But he comes back online to say “Merry Christmas Beautiful”, as you all know this is after I’m so hurt from the second break up with Silverlining, so I think maybe I need to give Coutry a second chance too!? If Silverlining deserves one, then maybe everyone else does!

I reply to him & we end up texting for a bit, he seems nice & I quite like him. He actually reminds me of a guy, I can’t remember what I nicknamed him though, possibly the dude from right at the start of this blog called Willunga.

We organise a date & I am not that into it to be honest, I have just ended something major to me, broken my heart, but I want a partner. I know I want a partner. I proper partner. Not just a half assed partner who has a partner already. I am not that excited about the date but I am trying to get excited about it. I am out with another friend when I get a message from him telling me that he is too sunburn to meet me. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I then get a shirtless photo of him with sunburn, yeah it does look pretty bad & does look like it would be sore, so I just say yeah no worries & something about hoping he feels better soon, I think I also say some shit about drinking lots of water. I am slightly relieved but also annoyed… Who gets that burnt the day they are going on a date with someone. I can honestly say that this is probably the most hilarious excuse for not being able to go on a date with someone?!

After that he disappears after that, he never tries to message me again, I mean what is that all about?! I don’t get why men put in so much effort, I finally agree to go out with them & then they bail? I’m not saying this is just an excuse to bail, maybe he really was sunburnt & couldn’t put on a shirt, but what I never understand when a man bails after putting so much effort to get you to say yes to them, why do they bail with a weird lame excuse & not lock in the next date? If I genuinely like a man – even do this with friends & have to bail on plans, I will apologise profusely & try to lock in a date in the future, something soon because I will feel so terrible… People bail on me, don’t really say sorry, don’t really care, don’t lock in the next date.

A few months later, he tries to talk to me again, I sporadically reply but I am not interested in this man. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

When you read stories like this & if you don’t really get my connection with Silverlining, this is why. This type of guy. It happens to me so often, they put in so much effort then disappear. I don’t get it. But this is why I got so involved with Silverlining, regardless of his life outside of me – right or wrong – he was consistent. He messaged, he told me how he felt. As much as it was shit he had a whole other life, I didn’t even doubt his feelings for me. I doubt that these types of guys are even interested in me or if they are just dating to see how many women they can get to say yes to a date with them?!

#IBD4U

I bet you never thought there would be a #2 for this guy right?! Yep neither did I… but fuck some people surprise me!

I go back to bed & sleep till about 10:00 am when I hear a knock at the door. I just assume it’s the post man or something with a parcel but when I open the door looking like absolute shit, I see Tim Tam standing there with a bunch of flowers… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! A bunch of fucking flowers!

I don’t even know what to say, no one night stand has ever come back to the scene of the crime like 3 hours later with fucking flowers… Who the fuck brings flowers. This has turned me into a fucking giggling shy school girl. No man ever has left in the morning & come back or shown this much affection (for lack of a better word) to me after one night. What the actual fuck is going on?!

I invite him in & sit there completely dumbfounded, unsure what to say & he asks me “you’re tripping out right now aren’t you?” I relax a bit when he says that & explain that no guy comes back like this nor have they ever brought me flowers. He says that he’s not like that to just sleep with someone & leave & that felt so bad that he couldn’t stop thinking about how it all went down. He says that he likes me & is keen to go kayaking (I can’t remember why or how we get onto the topic but we do – I think a kayaking friend won’t hurt.) & it’s what prompts us to swap numbers. I get the vibe he just wants to be friends. He talks about going with the flow a lot again, I am fine with it. I mean it’s only a month or so since I ended things with Silverlining that I am not ready to jump into anything anyway. This are not good for me in other aspects of my life now either, that I am not ready to jump into anything nor do I even think I want a partner at this point. A guy friend to hang out with, maybe try to have sex again (if he can keep I hard) with might be a good distraction without the relationship status. A true friends with benefits.

He stays at my house for about 30 minutes before he leaves, saying we’ll catch up soon & hopes there’s no hard feelings. I of course am not going to hold a grudge, I mean I wouldn’t have even if I never heard from him again. But I am glad he did!

But I don’t hear from him the next day but when I am back at work a few people ask about the weekend & it prompts me to write to him telling him people were talking about us. FUCK. It’s late at night & he says that he’s just finished work, we’re messaging & he says that I am being cheeky, but when he asks what I am doing, I say watching a movie he says the likes movies. Is he invited himself over? He asks what time I start work & says that because I am messaging him I must not be watching the movie. Then he says he’s interested to know what people talked about him & so I just invite him over. I’m not sure what he means but he says ‘very discreet’ I think he means subtle? As he’s been seemingly been hinting at the fact he wants to come over. Next minute, he is on his way to my house, I send the poking out tongue emoji & he says that I’m funny & is on his way. I don’t know what is funny but I just go with it.

I open the door to him & walk straight to my bedroom, I am not going to sit in the lounge room, we’ve already had sex, he’s clearly here for sex it’s 11:00 pm. He jumps onto my bed with me, we sit there chatting & just having a good get to you know general chit chat when he tells me that the emoji that I keep sending him of the tongue poking out means I want to be licked… WTF?! No no no dude, it means that I am being cheeky. We have a disagreement about it that has us both in fits of laughter. My whole life is a life if that’s what it means?! I use it all the time being cheeky, not wanting to be licked by someone! Imagine how different my life could be if I knew the meanings for emojis & used the incorrectly or correctly?! What if I used an emoji wrong with the right guy & he stopped writing back to me because he thinks I am a fucking idiot…!? OMG.

I will admit, I just go with it with Tim Tam about the poking out emoji meaning that I want to be licked but I do google it later & I believe that I am using it right! Hahaha… I don’t bother having the discussion with him again. I just know that I am right & keep the joke going with him later. When we kiss & have sex, he is hard & on top of me but then can’t keep it hard once the condom is on. I know some men have this problem but I am not prepared to fuck him without one. He makes another joke about it but I know that he doesn’t mean it & is self-conscious about this. We lay there just talking & laughing, I find him so funny, when I see in the corner of the room a little black spot. I freak out, there is a spider in the corner of the room. I am so arachnophobic that I start freaking out that he jumps up to get rid of it for me. I am literally laughing so much at the fact that this guy is jumped around my room naked to kill a spider for me… Maybe I have sold this one short? Maybe there will be a Tim Tam #3?

#IBD4U

My heart is shattered. I can barely function if I am not at work. It’s the only thing that is getting me out of bed. However as you know things aren’t great for me. I have not only destroyed the friendship with my best friend so I have no one to lean on or even talk too, but I have lost the true love of my life. I’ve lied to a lot of friends about this affair so I can’t tell them now it’s over. I don’t believe we are just destined for one person but I believe that Silverlining was my person, my other half if you will. The chemistry, the passion, the trust & honesty  we shared was like that of no other. I don’t want to say that I don’t think I’ll find it again because that’s unfair for who I honestly end up with & say to him “I’ve been dating you for.” However, it’s hard to visualise a future that doesn’t involve Silverlining. It’s hard to believe that I am not going to marry the man I want to be with more than anything else.

But I have ended it – right or wrong, I have done it. To give you some more info about Silverlining, he of course said that he’ll message when he can, so of course, me being me, I track in my head the three weeks of leave that she is on & wait & wait, hoping every day that he will message me when she goes back to work, knowing that he is unemployed that he will be bored & he’ll message me. That message never comes. NEVER. I get wasted on Christmas day & end up bawling to my mum & dad about how I was seeing him again & how sad I am, I know they are concerned for me. I open up his chat app account & send him a Merry Christmas… It never sends. The same thing happens on New Year’s Eve, I get so drunk & message him a happy new year. Again it never sends. His birthday comes, while I am not drunk that night, but I send him a happy birthday & again, it never sends. This oddly feels me with comfort that he is not online trolling for chats. Maybe he is actually focusing on his family.

After I end it with Silverlining (or Noodle Part 2), I decide that I am not going to try to “fill the void” by fucking every single man that I can find. It was so unfulfilling, even though I have a friend telling me to fuck someone else, I can’t bring myself to do it. So this time I need something to take my mind off boys, off work, off how alone I feel. So I start looking for new hobbies, something new to do. I already go to the gym, I kayak, I go for bike rides, I’ve been considering a puppy now that I am not travelling as much for work. But it’s not enough to keep me occupied. One of my passions is training, so I look at some courses I can do. I enrol in multiple short courses, some beauty courses & some writing courses. I need something to occupy my mind. While you all know I love writing, I am always thinking of ways to make this blog more than it is. But when I am actually talking with Silverlining, it’s always hard to write & want to write a book because I’m pretty sure he’ll fucking hate my guts for this blog!

So the writing courses are very helpful & I love them. I also enrol in some beauty courses doing eyelash extensions & facial waxing. I have had eyelash extensions for a few years & think this is something that I can do at home after hours.

Those of you who know me, know when I do something I go all in. I get a logo made up & I start a Facebook page for my new hobby. However I keep it pretty quiet, there is already a beauty person at my gym, I have no intentions of building this hobby as I have a career goal I am working towards, I just want something to take my mind off everything shit in my life & lets face it, right now there isn’t a lot to be happy about.

I am not the type to wallow in my own misery, you all know this. I have a heart of stone, I just need to put my walls back up & solider on. This little hobby is only a couple of hours a week, if that. I mean writing this blog takes up so much fucking time so the hobby doesn’t take up the time I was hoping it would so I do some more courses & spend so much time online looking for more courses & making business cards & stuff. This little hobby takes on a mind of it’s own, before I know it, I am not thinking about Silverlining, I am not thinking about other shit parts of my life, I am really enjoying something again & that makes me happier. This is about the time I organise Cocktails with #IBD4U too. Something else to keep my mind off things, but as you know from that blog, that gave me so much anxiety on top of all the other anxiety planning that event! Never again! Hahaha.

Anyway with my mind off losing my best friend, it gives me time to think about what I want in 2020. We all know how 2020 has turned out with Covid & all that bullshit going on around us, but at the end of 2019, I knew that I wasn’t going to just fill a void by fucking just anyone. I am not online dating, I am not looking for anyone. As much as I want to have sex & forget the feeling of fucking Silverlining, I am not going to just try to wipe that memory because it hurts.

At a function for Christmas, I am trying my hardest to not get too drunk & do a stupid crying thing. I even tell a friend to take me home no matter what I say to her when she’s trying to leave, but I want to leave with him & go home with some dignity. There is a guy, he’s pretty cute, he’s slightly Asian looking. Not the type of guy I usually go for – obviously I tend to go for Silverlining look a likes, but this guy is cute, a litter taller than me & when our table runs out of a lemon tarts (that I ate 2 of already) he goes & gets us another plate with enough for everyone & then disappears. I think nothing of it.

But as the free drinks start flowing, I keep seeing him, he catches my eye, I’m not sure why. When the drinks end & we go into another room, the dancing starts – remember when you could dance at a function. He doesn’t ever dance with me, but he dances near me a lot. We don’t make a lot of eye contact so I think nothing of it either. However the event ends & we all get kicked out. I am not sober by any means but am not a drunk as others there. We got to the local pub & shooters start happening, OMG. I am not good with shooters what is happening!

I end up sitting at a table outside with friends when Tim Tam sits down next to me. We get chatting, the first time since we basically have been seeing each other all day. While we’re sitting there, I can’t work out if he is interested or what. I am so drunk I don’t really remember it all to be honest. We’ve had our hands on each other’s laps & we’ve had a little peck on the lips, I know that I am surrounded by people I know, so I am careful about this interaction with this guy. We talk a fair bit, where he works, what he does, that he’s recently divorced, just turned 40, 2 almost adult boys. He’s living with his brother at the moment through his separation & the more I talk to him the more I like him.

When I know it’s time to go home, I know he lives down south too & I offer him a ride in my cab, we drop off another friend first & then to my house. This is weird because I’ve not invited him in, I’ve not discussed him coming in but we’ve been canoodling in the back of the taxi that I just assume him might come in but I don’t think I offer. However, he gets out the cab at my house & we go inside.

I don’t recall a great deal of how all things went down, but we end up in bed, we’re not naked, just chatting. He talks about how many pillows are on my bed, it’s a running joke with a lot of people. He also feels the X restraints under my sheets & asks what it is, telling me he doesn’t want his ass fucked… Okay!? Did I ask to fuck his ass?! Also is that the first thought a guy has when they know I have restraints?!

We end up kissing & getting undressed. When we’re naked & he’s kissing me, on top of me, I pull out a condom & he spends ages putting it on. I have to give the guy a break here, I am assuming I’m one of the first he’s been with since his separation/divorce & he probably didn’t use them with her as he said they were together 20 years or so. However he barely gets his cock inside me before he’s soft. He tries to keep going but obviously that is not going to work. He rolls off me & we lay there talking. I am not fussed to be honest. I like him but I hate myself, I did think about Silverlining & how we’d never have the problem of him being soft around me.

Tim Tam & I talk a lot more, he tells me that since his divorce or separation that he’s just going with the flow. We end up going to sleep really late, he hogs my pillow even though I have 7 on my bed, he shares mine all night so I don’t sleep well. I don’t sleep well anyway with a guy in my bed, even when drunk, but when one is sleeping on my pillow, I don’t sleep well at all. He’s awake at like 7:00 am saying he needs to go home. I offer to drive him but he says that he’ll walk home. He doesn’t live far away, he seems to be in a rush to leave & I don’t know if it’s just that now in the light of day he’s like what the fuck happened, or with a sober mind he’s not interested or what. I see him out, offering many times to drop him off but he declines. I go back to bed & I am too tired to cry, but all I want to do right now is bawl my eyes out. Every encounter I have with a man just makes me want to cry.

#IBD4U

For those of you who don’t follow my Facebook page, you’re probably wondering where I have been…

I don’t really know where I have been but it’s not in a writing space Hahaha. What’s happening to me right now is not dating related & I wish I was more up to date on my stories because writing was always my escape – my time away from what is happening in my real time life.

During the worst break up I’ve ever had with Noodle, I was still posting three times a week about how in love I was with him, all the while knowing it was over in real life – this is one downfall of writing retrospectively. Yet I was still able to write, work full time, go to the gym & travel for work. Yet I was completely crushed & devastated at the time & I was able to write.

I hate that I am not writing.

This is a weird post because it seems so personal, however you all know so much about me, my sex life, my love life & yet this seems too personal. But here goes, I was terminated from my job. You all know how much I loved my job & how much I travelled for work, how much I sacrificed my personal life for my work… So it came as a compete shock to me when I got the letter & without going into too much detail, I’m not happy about it for many reasons.

So why during this have I not been able to write? You’d think I’d be posting daily since I’m not working at all… But it doesn’t work like that!

While we were working from home instead of the office due to Covid, I obviously had to work in my own office space I’d created in my small spare room for when I was at Uni. That space has now become a room I hate, a room I felt chained too, I had panic attacks walking into it even if I just need to get a pen or peice of paper. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to switch the big spare room & small spare rooms around. Que renovation!

When I thought things had settled down, I realise in hindsight that this was a stupid move. My once pristine show-home looking house was now a hoarders delight with goat tracks (as I hear they’re called) of beds & boxes, furniture from all three bedrooms in every spare space I have.

So I pull eveything out the two rooms & start by painting, this is a good time for a fresh lick of paint. But why stop there? I decide to rip up the carpet – I have owned my house for almost 16 years & this carpet was here when I bought it, so time to change it right. Why not do my bedroom at the same time because it’s dumb to do just the two bedrooms, que stripping my bedroom bare too!

At this time I am also doing a course, I have no job & had nothing to do, things were semi settled, so why not jump in & do some upskilling.

But things get supremely worse & I end up having meltdown after meltdown, I do not know how to paint – turns out I’m a terrible painter… Plus not having a house to clean (my anxiety stress release) things get worse & worse that I even stop showering daily or cleaning my toilet. I stop getting out of bed if I have no reason too. I stop writing. I stop going to the gym. I alienate myself from friends & family because it’s just easier. While I love their opinions, the problem is that eveyone has one & everyone has a different one – sometimes I just don’t want to hear it though!

But during this renovation, as if I don’t have enough on my plate, that I find salt damp & a ceiling that is not attached to the beams. I find that my fences that are also going to be installed soon don’t come in the same colour as the new shed – which will look ridiculous. Nothing seems to be going my way! But there is a carpet deadline, it’s coming, deposit has been paid, I have to get the painting done, fix the salt damp & ceiling… FUCK EVEYTHING.

So I enlist some help of some fabulous friends to help me paint, we get it all done (& some extra areas too) by the carpet install deadline & some family help me restore my house to some sort of order by moving the furniture back.

So now my new office is in the big spare room & my spare queen bed is in my small spare room – it’s tight in there but eh, it’s not used that often! I no longer have anxiety walking into the small spare room, I can now breathe a little better in my own home. I still have anxiety attacks but not about being chained to that little office. I still have a few things to sort before I am back on track, but I am on a path to recovery (for lack of a better word!)

Thank you for all the kind comments & messages though this time. I honestly can’t believe that this has hit me worse than a break up with the love of my life. But my career was eveything to me… It sadly was my major relationship – in fact the excess travelling cost me some relationships, if I’m honest. It’s weird because I’ve been on a salary since I was 22 so it’s so odd not waking up everyday for work…

I hope to be back soon with some proper blog posts.

#IBD4U