Now we’re at the start of 2020…. The no dating or chatting to men is going well! But this blog would not survive with a sex/dating drought from me… I mean it’s barely survived my writing hiatus…
So you’ll all recall if you’re a regular reader, that back when it ended with Silverlining (aka Noodle as he was known back then) the first time, I went to Psychic fair & was asked about a T**y in my life. Obviously at that point there wasn’t a T**y in my life. Motocross Brother was a T**y but I wasn’t attracted to him when he tried to chat to me. People that believe in psychics that I told about Motocross all believed that Motocross was the reason I would have a T**y & maybe the psychic just got it a little wrong. I was only interested in Motocross & was never going to go for his brother. But one friend apparently got goosebumps when I told her about the psychics prediction & that Motocross brother was T**y, she was adamant that that was the connection & that Motocross & I were what she was talking about… Well no such luck with Motocross – or his brother. Hahaha.
So since the Psychic, that has been the only T**y in my dating life, so we all assumed it was that. But whenever a T**y comes up on my online dating or my Facebook or anywhere, even at work, I think this could be the guy, the one the psychic said I’d be with… However as you all know that is not the case! Hahaha.
So when a T**y on the chat app starts joining groups he looks quite cute but I am 100% certain that the picture is not him at all, my interest is piqued… So much for the no dating in 2020. However in my experience, no one is ever that realiable on the chat apps, so I don’t even know why I start planning our future together! But I do start chatting to T**y & when he says that he’s 34, I know that the picture he has up is fake. He says what suburb he’s in & it’s one a bit further south than me. We seem to be the only ones on the chat app chatting, he’s asking me what is my favourite body part on a guy – which is their arms (especially if a bit muscly) & asks to private message me, which I say no, my usual response to be honest. He asks what suburb I’m from & what I’m looking for that I know he’s just looking to find someone to fuck. As soon as I say my suburb, he says that he’s in the suburb next to mine… Hang on?! Didn’t he another suburb before? I call him out on it & he says that he is just at one suburb but lives at the other then proceeds to ask me out publicly in the group, which I say that he didn’t verify (with a face picture) in another group I’m in & got deleted & because I’m convinced that his profile picture isn’t him & that he’s also confused about where he lives, that I don’t think I want to chat to him. He asks how to convince me, so I allow him to send me a face picture with him touching his ear (it’s a standard thing on this app to change where their finger is to stop people from using other people’s photos etc) He takes ages to send me a picture that someone but when he does & it’s a live picture like he was instructed & I think he’s pretty fucking cute… He sends me one with a huge grin, teeth showing then one almost the same with a smile but no teeth showing… Well 2 live photos, this guy is real… He’s fucking cute, in my age bracket, but only seemingly a bit confused about where he is living… I tell him that the profile picture isn’t him & he agrees saying that he doesn’t trust the app to put up his real picture. I agree, I mean after the whole Silverling debarcle, I changed to a bitmoji & hid for months. I only just changed my profile picture back to my actual face after realising that Silverlining is no longer on the app again.
All T**y asks is what I’m doing, which I am in bed & how old I am, which I tell him then he asks me about again, I mean like really… There is something not right about this, why is he pushing so hard, I mean he hasn’t even asked my name. He asks if I want his number & we can chat, I hate chatting on the phone – sometimes I do it all day for work, I don’t want to chat to someone random with awkward conversation. I’d rather text (which I know is dumb) but I also don’t really trust this guy, I am sceptical of him right now. I tell him “You’re cute & in my age bracket & geographical location… But I feel like we’re looking for different things though…” He asks if I am looking for a relationship which I am not as you all know, I have decided to focus on the other things in my life at the moment & not date or fuck random guys that don’t give a shit about me. He says that he’s not sure what he wants & seeing what happens but I mean I’ve heard that before from Tim Tam while they go out & sow their wild oat thinking they want someone hotter & skinnier than me. He says though “Don’t want one night stand I know that. Getting too old for that.” As much as I want to believe him & fall for this line, I know that I’ve heard it before & maybe it’s true that they don’t want a one night stand but that’s how it turns out… “One day I want a relationship, yes… Not right now though” interesting words from him… I do have healing to do from Silverlining, so I agree with him too & lots of other stuff going on that I need time to myself “I don’t want a one night stand either but I hear that all the time from guys… What I want doesn’t exists so I just don’t bother with men. Hahaha” What a fucking lie, I mean I have been chatting to every fucking idiot on the planet, even when I said I didn’t want too… I don’t make resolutions as you know but I was going to take this year to be me. 2020 I was going to make wise decisions & here I am, day 11 & already talking to a guy I am not sure is telling me the truth!
He asks what I do want then, which I explain, is sort of what I had with Milky TBH. I knew he wasn’t looking for anyone else right in front of my face – for example in my group on the chat app. He was dating others because he’d told me about it, but he wasn’t throwing it in my face in a chat app. We were friends until I thought I caught some sort of feelings for him. Now I know what feelings are, I know that I can keep them separate this time. He says that he’s not keen to use the chat app anyway (Not this old chestnut) & says he’s probably going to delete it soon, I’ve heard that before & he says “Hang out & one person who you have good sex with. Why go anywhere else then??!!” Well yeah that’s what I want but I don’t really want the boyfriend title… I tell him that it’s pretty much impossible “Because most guys think with their dicks & they get scared that I’m going to fall for them if we hang too much or he sleeps over…” He says that he’s not like most guys, which fuck, if I had a dollar for every time that a guy had said that, I wouldn’t never work again!
I say that “I want to pretty much get to a point I don’t have to use condoms with someone I’m friends with, go to the movies with or hang & have dinner… whatever… But I don’t want a boyfriend” Why do I say this to men all the time? I mean I don’t think I want a boyfriend, but do I? I have no fucking idea what I want, let’s face it.
I have a moment where I am like “How did you get me to pm… I NEVER pm people…!” Fuck how did this guy get me to chat to him, that fucking cute smile got me all in a panty twist! WTF is wrong with me vagina, I did say that I was going to look after myself in 2020! He says that he didn’t want to chat in the groups, just to me, he says that he only verified with me & was just about to “bail & delete the chat app” says that he’s not a fan & he can be bothered with all the rules… Yeah people take it all so seriously these days. I tell him though that he seems suss, with his weird picture, him not knowing what suburb he lives in & the fact that he keeps asking to catch up really quickly. Again I’ve heard this all before, yet somehow I am falling for it from this guy… Didn’t TT teach me anything? Am I so desperate for affection?!
We get onto the topic of my backyard for a bit & things he will do for me if we’re FWB then he asks to send pictures, I roll my eyes. I mean fuck, why do men do that… He sends me a picture of him with his dog & I send him another bitmoji (snapchat cartoon) picture, then he says “About 12” OMG, he wants 12 pictures?! No he says, he wants to meet at 12, tomorrow… It’s all happening so fast, but I find myself telling him that I won’t have much time & that I am not fucking him. But then he starts to write one word answers & so I say chat to me tomorrow, I’m going to sleep!
Next morning I wake up really early as my friend called me at 7:40 am to come over before she catches the ferry home to KI after being evacuated due to the fires… I wake myself up by trolling the groups on the chat apps, T**y has posted his cock in a group he knows I am in at like 2:30 am. Why the fuck do guys do that?! Clearly he’s just looking for a quick hook up, who else does that at 2:30 am? He finally messages me at 10:00 am saying ‘hey how are you?’ & 20 minutes later he asks if I’m still keen to catch up. I say that I can, but I only just got home from a walk at 11:30 am, so I say 12:15 pm. He says all good, to let him know when I’m free. I shower & get ready, trying not to put in too much effort, just as I’m about to walk out the door, I get a message from him thinking it’s going to be him saying he’s there already but it’s him asking if we can meet at 12:30 & should we meet at the outside part. I say lucky he messaged, I was just about to leave but 12:30 pm is fine & yes outside. I have this feeling… A feeling in my gut… This guy is catfishing me or something, something just isn’t right… I don’t know what but something isn’t right… I head to the pub & wait in the car till 12:35 pm for him to message but he doesn’t, so after another 5 minutes, I ask if he’s inside & his app is closed the little greyed out d like I often saw with Noodle waiting for him to open the app. I sit there for 10 minutes before I shake my head knowing I was right & I drive home. I try not to cry, in fact tears don’t come, I don’t want to ruin my eyelash extensions… He’s not worth it!
This might surprise you all, but this is the very first time that I have been stood up… I mean I didn’t go into the pub, so is it technically a stand up?! Fucking hell, I knew there was something about this guy, why didn’t I trust my instinct… Why did I agree to meet him… I mean after the final disaster of 2019, why didn’t I stick with my 2020 resloution. I feel like a fucking fool, I feel so stupid… I get home feeling like a fucking wanker! Can you not see why I got so entwined with Silverlining – TWICE!? Fuck I miss Silverlining. I hate being alone, I hate it… I am so fucking lonely & I miss talking to Silverlining about everything.