I don’t expect to hear from Noddy, he reads my message instantly & I will never know if he reads the diary I sent him via email… I guess the sad thing about this all, is that while I was upset he bailed, I got the reason why he did, however the way he treated me after he bailed is the problem. Not writing back to me then posting snapchats cuddling someone else…

One of my friends asked me why he couldn’t see me at all since helping this chick, I ask myself that same question… He can make time for her, but he could leave her for a few hours & see me. Surely she knew about me & would be ok with that…

After I send him the message & my diary, Demon & Snapchat girl chat in the group, Demon says they’re having pizza for dinner but snapchat girl says “Not yet Demon, we haven’t even left the park we’re here catching Pokémon’s lol” Seriously!?

Noddy hasn’t chatted in the group since he bailed on me last week, but could the snapchat girl rub it in my face anymore? I’m sure she knows about me, surely?! Why hasn’t Noddy asked her to stop, to have a bit of respect for me? Clearly he doesn’t have any respect for me, or he wouldn’t have been sending the snpachats, just like Noodle didn’t ask his partner to respect me, but always asked me to respect her… Why am I so easy to disrespect?

I have also realised that my body is a little crazy when I am stressed or broken hearted… My mouth is so dry, my heart has palpitations, I can’t eat at all, I don’t sleep much… This is only the third time that this has happened… It happened with Boyfriend, it was worse with Noodle, now it’s happening with Noddy… Though this time I’m not sure if it’s because of feelings I had or the fact he’s rubbing it in my face that he has someone else? Did I have feelings for this guy?

After a week of not hearing from him, I actually realise that yeah I had some sort of feelings for him, I won’t deny that, but it was the rubbing it in my face over the chat app or snapchat that makes me go crazy.

He replies…

“Hey, look I’m sorry its taken me a while to reply. I had a lot to read.

I really am sorry.. I overreacted. I had a lot going on… I didn’t mean for any of what happened to hurt you in the slightest… Yeah it probably was a copout… And it isn’t up to me if I am good for you or not.

I promise you now… Everything I said I really did mean… You are an amazing person who deserves the world. And I am just too much of a soft heart that I help too many people to the point where I run myself into the ground to distract myself from life in general. You didn’t deserve to be hurt by men like you did…

My words are a curse… I speak way too much of what’s in my mind instead of having walls up like you did. & I’m fucking sorry that I spoke so much that I softened those walls & you let me in.

I don’t expect forgiveness…

I don’t expect a reply.

I just want you to know that I really apologise for everything that I have done.

I won’t try & justify any of my actions. I betrayed you & your trust.

Noddy”

Well again, yeah I know he has a way with words, but I don’t even know what to say to that! I start drafting what I want to say, I write big long messages but delete them all… I don’t want to keep messaging him. I realise I don’t want him as my partner – we probably never would’ve worked but he would’ve been fun for a bit longer. One good thing is the snapchat girl left my group at least. I hated seeing her in there, maybe what I wrote about her was true?!

I mean he says he has a big heart, but he only seems to have that for everyone else… He’s told me I am not a priority & there are too many red flags for him but we can at least salvage a friendship here, especially since he still hasn’t’ left my group, he came to switch & wanted to get involved in rope more. Hopefully we can be friends; I do really like him & got along well with him.

“TBH I have drafted a hundred different messages in reply. But fuck. This is hard.

Thank you for actually reading my email, I know it was long & I’ve never sent a guy my unedited thoughts before. I regretted it 1000 times.

I have a lot to say, but I’m not going to text endlessly. The way I see it, if you’re truly sorry, you’ll put in the effort & see me. If you aren’t, you won’t. Simple”

He reads it almost instantly & never replies… Well I guess he didn’t mean everything he said to me! Hahaha… Fucking hell some men are god damn liars… He said he wanted to be friends, well that will never happen now. I hope I never see him at an event ever again, I don’t know what I would say to him, even if I did… Probably just that, why would you still spin me bullshit after saying everything was true but then not actually wanting to be my friend?

Or fuck it, I’ll just say hey, be polite, & move on from him…

So the snapchat girl re-joins my group, yaye… (Insert eye roll here) So happy about that! But Noddy gets deleted by the bot I installed to delete non talkers.

It’s Switch, I’m excited to be going, I am going alone though, Noddy & I had planned to go together again, so clearly that’s not happening. I hope to god that he doesn’t go… Surely he wouldn’t. Demon has said that she won’t be there, but her brother & girlfriend will be there & has asked Ripples to tie her again. I am meeting my friends there, they are doing the show so I don’t want to miss is, but I am scared to go alone.

I spend ages getting ready, it’s a masquerade event, so I have stuck diamante stickers all over my face for my mask & I’m wearing a French Connection sequined playsuit. With black knee high boots. I look fucking amazing! I am feeling so good, my hair has fallen the right way. I look sensational… & I going alone!

I walk in & upstairs to find people I know & because I am alone, I am walking fast to get to find people I know, not wanting to be by myself. As I walk though the door, FUCK…. Noddy! I am not 100% sure it’s him because he’s wearing a grey suit & a mask but I am pretty sure it’s him, however, I am on a mission & don’t really notice him, just walk past, I go to the bar, get a drink & find my friends… I have just found out on the way to Switch that a friend is going to be there too having just broken up with her husband, Holden for an online relationship. I wonder if she’s been seeing Noddy?

There’s a chick at Switch, standing only metres from where we are & she keeps looking over at me, I don’t know who she is, but I figure that she keeps looking because I look so cute tonight! Hahaha… I don’t think I recognise her because her hair is quite short & blonde, she’s about the same size as me, so it can’t be the snapchat girl, she had brown hair that was a tiny bit longer than mine, from memory & she looked quite skinny… BUT… Later on the next day, the snapchat chick posts a photo of herself last night at her first switch (which she has SO much fun at – insert second eye roll here) & I realise it’s the chick that kept looking at me! FUCKING HELL!!! Is Noddy an actual idiot? Why did he come to Switch after ignoring me like an asshole, this is my thing, my event..? He never does anything but stand outside & smoke anyway – go to any nightclub & do that… I ask Doddy (Noddys man crush) if Noddy talked to him & he says no, but he wasn’t sure if it was him or not… At least Noddy is staying away from my friends… I go off to get roped up & candle wax but also watch my friends do the floor show. Hoping I don’t see him again, which I don’t really.

However someone I knew didn’t like me very much from the Private play party yells at me before they go on stage to do their rope show because Ripples tied me & used candle wax… I didn’t realise it was an exclusive thing that you shouldn’t do what the floor show was, I mean if anyone should follow that protocol, it’s Ripples, right? Everyone still gathered around for the floor show, so I didn’t see a problem. I don’t know the unwritten rules of switch. However it’s just another reason for those people to act weird around me & other friends start shutting me out after that happens. I leave Switch shortly after midnight, having felt so great about how I looked to feeling so fucking alone, I actually can feel myself breaking.

I can’t believe Noddy kept walking behind me & my group of friends, brought that chick (who remember has just fled a domestic violent relationship & is now at a kink event! As if the spanking & torture wouldn’t be a trigger?!) & he didn’t even act like an adult & talk to me… I know I walked past him once but I wasn’t expecting to see him the second I got there… I don’t fucking believe this is what happens in my life, it’s actually hilarious! Who gets broken up with via snapchat? Yep, #IBD4U does….! That’s just fucking gold!

To give you an update, Noddy got kicked out of the chat group & Snapchat girl leaves too which makes me happy, however I would have left them there & just went on my merry way, fuck them! A few weeks after it’s all blown over, I’m just saying how I’m out north for work & Demon says she’s at the same shops as me, so we meet for a coffee. She talks a lot about Noddy & the Snapchat girl who is now living with her. So she clarifies a few of the suspicious things that I knew weren’t right. So Snapchat girl is apparently mentally disabled, has had her 3 year old son taken off her & was living with her parents, who were violent, not a partner. Demon tells me that Noddy has done exactly what he did to me to her, well that’s not a surprise, which is why she’s now living with Demon. Well at least that is clearer for me, but I still walk away from this… Or, I guess let him walk away.

Noddy is now in a relationship with a chick, he looks really happy & I wish him well with that relationship. He was a good guy there for a while & he was good for me. I am just sad that I was used yet again by another guy to find the one he is going to be with… I never see him at Switch again, I haven’t been going but I don’t see him at the ones I go to. Nor do I ever hear from him again.

#IBD4U

I activate a dating app while away for work – purely for a hook up, now that I have been broken up with via snapchat by Noddy, & now I know it’s over with him. I mean who gets broken up with via snapchat? FFS… I don’t think I can get over this disrespect… How embarrassing… That’s seriously next level for a way to stop seeing someone… Most men just ghost! I want to keep seeing him but I have to make a decision here… He’s not the right one for me… A guy that really liked me would never do that to me!

I chat to some guys online & every guy lives about an hour from where I am staying – or further… Fucking country!! Redhill & I match, He’s cute & 29 (Not another fucking young guy!) we chat a little, me telling him that I am only in Port Pirie for a couple of nights, essentially letting him know without saying this will be a one night thing… He says that he’d come to Port Pirie tonight but it is a 40 minute drive & it is getting late. Probably for the best. I have a spa in my room & I had been in it for 2.5 hours, just swiping on the dating app, feeling sorry for myself over Noddy…

However Redhill asks how much luck I’ve had on the app so far in Pirie, He asks the stupid question I hate about what I’m looking for. But this time it’s ok, because I am just looking fora one night thing. I say that ultimately one day I want a relationship but probably not going to find it on here. He agrees. I suggest that we meet for a drink tomorrow night somewhere in Pirie. He says yes & suggest a few places. I have no idea where anything is, so I google a couple of places & decide on the one that isn’t café primo & looks a little nicer. We talk a little about what we do for work, I actually tell him my real job title, thinking this guy isn’t too bad – which is unusual for me. I don’t really understand his job title of an Agronomist. So we talk about that for a bit.. I tell him how much I am over travelling for work, it’s been 5 years & I am done, “Like everything suffers, my friendships, my gym, my eating… etc” I don’t tell him that also my relationships with men suffer! Noodle & Noddy are the major cases of that! However I have just been told – not asked but told that I’m changing teams, which is not entirely what I wanted, but I think it’ll be good for me to do something different. It’s late so we stop talking, I try to sleep, but with everything going on & the shitty hotel bed, I barely get any!

The next day of course I refuse to talk to Redhill first, being I was the last one to write to him but at 3:45 pm he finally messages & asks if we’re still on for drinks. I say yeah & ask what time. He says 6:30 pm but he doesn’t finish till 5:30 pm, it’s a 40 minute drive so I ask if that’s enough time so he laughs & suggest 7:00 pm. I tell him that I didn’t bring a date outfit so I’ll be fairly casual, he says that’s ok, he offers to pick me up, which I think yeah maybe but then realise this guy could be a weirdo & I’m in a small country town alone… Not a good idea! So I drive myself.

We meet at the café/bar whatever it is. It’s fucking fancy, I am not dressed for this place. It’s also tiny with about 10 tables in basically a hotel foyer… I am there first & ask if there is another bar to sit at, thinking this restaurant is too fancy for what I’m wearing. The maître de says that this is it or we can sit at the bar, I am being sat at a table when he walks in, he looks just as casual as I do, so I relax a bit, We hug hello & we sit down. Being that it’s so fancy, I think there will be table service, but they don’t seem that attentive. Redhill gets up to order my $13 wine! FUCK… So expensive! Hahaha.

We talk quite easily, well I talk a lot, he doesn’t seem to talk or make much eye contact, so I dribble on about all sorts of bullshit. I am remembering the date with Tom Cruise, where he said I was boring, so I try to ask Redhill some questions. He offers me another drink so I guess he’s not having a bad time, wouldn’t he want to leave?! We have another drink & they start turning off the lights & packing up, the other 2 couples in the place leave, there’s a big group still kicking on, but I don’t want to be the last ones there. It’s only 9:30 pm, I assume he’ll kiss me out the front & then I’ll be able to invite him back to my hotel room… Even if he’s not that in to me, wouldn’t he want to fuck me, I mean how many matches would this guy get out here in the small country town?

He hugs me goodbye, kind of awkwardly & says see ya… OK that’s weird?! Maybe he really wasn’t that in to me… I drive back to the hotel thinking how shit that was, He seriously can’t be that spoilt for choice to not want to fuck me, knowing it’s just a one night thing… I have Dom in my head, he’s telling me to message him to come to the hotel… So I write “You didn’t seem keen, so I couldn’t ask at the bar, but thought I would just ask anyway if you want to come back to my hotel room… You can ignore if you don’t want too.” I don’t wait long for a reply “Yeah I’m keen. I can come for a little while. What room are you in?” I tell him what room because he knows the hotel already from yesterdays chat, he says he’ll be there in a minute & I go searching for a condom, which I don’t fucking have! FUCK! I message him to say that, hoping that he has one & he doesn’t reply to the message but knocks on my door.

I invite him in & ask if he got my last message, he says he did & pulls out a condom, they’re the latex free ones I use & I smile, he doesn’t know I am allergic, I don’t often have that conversation with random dudes, one condom doesn’t usually cause a problem anyway but just kind of cute that he has those ones. I usually supply them, I thought I had one my travel kit, but I must’ve taken it out.

We kiss & he pulls me really close & really tight, I actually like it. He’s the well built type that is solid, we kiss for a bit while taking his shirt off, he then takes mine off & pushes me back on the bed, pulling me in tight again to him, I quite like that… He kisses me more & slides his hand behind my back undoing my bra so easily that I say “Smooth” he laughs & says it was just luck – I like a guy who can have banter when having sex. We kiss some more, getting naked, he goes down on me after sucking on my nipples, he tries really hard to get me to cum but I just don’t think I am going to get there, so I pull him up & he slides on the condom before sliding into me. I feel a bit dry but it’s ok, he kisses me some more. He fucks me & I don’t cum with him, but he does. Once he’s done, he stays inside me for a long time, just chatting, I think it’s a a bit weird – maybe a bit initiate, why would he stay in me & on top of me to chat?! Most guys roll off right away. Noodle used to stay in me a little after but never this long.

I ask him how far he got out of town when he got my message. He said that he was just about to message me the same thing when he got mine. Oh, really?! I wonder if he was sitting outside of the hotel?! I kind of push him off me, he lays down on the bed next to me & continues to chat. He then says he has to go, he does have a 40 minute country drive at like 10:30 pm… We say goodbye at the hotel room door & I say to give me a message if he’s ever in Adelaide. I’m not really sure since the sex wasn’t that good. I keep him on my profile until I delete the app a few months later.

#IBD4U

I wait a full day & a half for Noddy to have a clear head to message me… I am definitely not going to write to him now, I chat in the group as usual, I used to stop chatting when things weird with us, I even did that with Noodle, but fuck Noddy, I am not stopping something I enjoy! Shark told me that back with Noodle, I will take that advice now!

“I really don’t know how to say this in general but I’ll do my best in not trying to hurt you at all here…

I understand we had plans to stuff Saturday night, and I’m sorry that yeah you did get dropped in my priorities because I felt I had a bigger obligation to help a friend out in a shit situation instead of going out & leaving her alone in her mess…

& I understand your disappointment… But it’s who I am for my friends. I will always be there for them.

I’ve had so much going on you wouldn’t believe…

A friend commit suicide. Mother leave her husband… & I’m being there for them all.

So much so that I haven’t been home in days.

& I don’t know if we should keep doing this because all I do is disappoint you when I bail, & obviously it hurts but it’s just who I am. Maybe I am not good for you at all.”

Ok that’s not what I was expecting… Lets break it down, Yes I told him I was disappointed about him bailing but I also explained that I understand what he’s doing for her (If I believe her story) because I’ve done it several times & I said that I understood that he had to be there for her – I was never upset about him being there for her… But I obviously show that I was disappointed, because I was, I don’t want him to think I don’t care because I do want to see him…

But he hasn’t even talked to me, he’s ignored me for day… I mean yeah bail because you have something more important to attend to, be there for your friend, I understand that, I even said to him that I would do the same but for him to read my messages & not reply at all, then post cuddling snapchats with another chick in your bedroom & then say that you’ve not been home… Something is fishy here…

He’s also basically saying in that message that I will always be his second priority… I’ve been going through some shit this last week too & could’ve used his friendship, not him ghosting me… I thought he said a few days ago that he would be there for me if I needed him? Well this week has been fucked, my boss is micromanaging me to the point I cried, Max is also contacting me for fuck knows what reason & one of my best friends mum just died a couple of weeks after she had her baby. So yeah, I know what it’s like to need someone… But Noddy doesn’t even know any of this, he hasn’t even messaged me to see how I am… Ok, I know I sound selfish, but I matter too… Don’t I? I get he’s got a lot going on, but that doesn’t mean he can’t just message me. I messaged to see how he was, he didn’t even read it…

Another thing, I know nothing about ‘mother leaving her husband’, not sure what that means, his mother leaving his dad that he works for? Or a friends mother? What does he mean with that? I will probably never know…

As for saying he hasn’t been home in days, I call bullshit on that, he fucking posted a snapchat 2 nights ago in his bed (I know his quilt cover) with another chick, shirtless & cuddling like he did with me, so don’t pull that bullshit on me! He’s also posted snaps cuddling her the next night at his house, so what a fucking load of crap. I know that he’s probably saying it like a metaphor, but this still doesn’t stop him from sending me a quick message! Does it?

Saying that he doesn’t know if we should keep doing this is basically his way of trying to break up with me (If that’s even what’s he’s trying to do here) but making me do it… Why the fuck in the world do I not want too? Why do I want to reply & try to work on this….? Can we take a break & see what happens when things settle down for both of us? Should I just walk away from this, knowing we want different things? What the fuck Am I thinking here?

I don’t know what to write back, I know I don’t really want to have a text war, I mean it was shit that I only got emails with Noodle when we ended & that killed me… I want to see him but I’m afraid to see him… I’m afraid that he’ll say he doesn’t want to see me to sort it out, which I guess then is my answer…

I wake up the next morning really early again, fuck I hate not being able to sleep because he’s on my mind! I don’t know if I want to see him anymore… I draft him a message as I head to the dr’s… thinking this was the day I was going to ask him to have an STI check so we could stop using condoms…

“Thanks for your message.

Last night when I got it, all I wanted to do was meet up with you, to discuss this like adults & work on it because I really like you – a lot more than I ever thought I could…

But re reading it, I think it’s a bit of a cop out. The way I see it, it’s not up to you to decide if you’re good for me or not, that’s my decision. Your decision is if you want to make the effort with me or not…

I never said to you that you shouldn’t be there for your friends & not bail on me, I would be there for my friends too. So I don’t know where that is coming from. The problem is how you’ve acted since you bailed!!

I told you that I would drop everything if my best friend ever needed me, so I completely understand what you need to do with a DV survivor, more than you realise…

I get you’ve got a lot going on, I didn’t expect you to see me, but a reply to my message considering you say you like me so much, wouldn’t go astray! Just a little reassurance that I mean something to you.

However I’m not sure what to believe with you anymore… You’ve been clearly trying to send me a subtle message with your cuddly snapchats, knowing I would see them & it would hurt me…

That is so disrespectful & even though we’re not exclusive, you that knowing I would see it. That was premeditated to hurt me… I never thought you were that type of person. I honestly thought you were more mature than that… Everyone has been telling me what a good guy you are & I should give you a chance, but really Noddy, you didn’t need to snapchat those moments at all.

& now she’s on the chat app & in my group… Could you rub it in my face anymore? I won’t delete any of you because I do like Demon, but any sign of drama or disrespect & you’re all out.

I’m so fucking stupid for falling for your smooth lines – so many lines… that song you wrote… you acting like you like me… giving me your jumper… everything you did… I feel like a fucking fool..”

I actually wonder now, how much of it was real? I wonder if any of it was real? I also decide that after I send that message that I am going to send him this blog via email for him to read my side… Read it & understand why I have acted like I did… This was not an isolated event, Noddy has been bailing for weeks on every date we’ve made just about… I am pissed that all he’s taken from my messages is that I am annoyed he bailed… I don’t deny that I am upset he bailed – that wasn’t a deal breaker, but I am more upset about how he’s acted since he bailed… Not messaging me & sending sexy snapchats of someone else – regardless of if they are friends or lovers… He’s really fucked up by doing that… This was salvageable with a conversation with me about how pissed he is that I made him feel like shit when he bailed… But instead of talking to me about it, he chooses to send snapchats…

I hope that one day Noddy & I can be friends… I really liked him… I enjoyed spending time with him… But I can’t get the images out of my head of how cosy he is with her… I was always jealous of Demon, so I am not sure I can be the bigger person here over this chick when he is acting not interested in me anymore. I hope that he has the courage to read this & reply to me, but I’m not certain he will…

I guess like Noodle & I, the timing just isn’t right! I guess a silver lining, is that I’ve lost 4kgs in a week from not eating again! Hahaha… Yeah… Not funny!

Fuck I’m sad that chapter is over…

#IBD4U

I decide to message Noddy on the Tuesday morning before I go away for work again, because I guess if I was dealing with my friend, I would appreciate a message from him to say that he’s thinking of me but knows I’m going through a hard time. So I bite the bullet & decide to actually message him first – even though we didn’t talk at all yesterday. “Hey Spark Plug, I have been trying to give you space since you’ve got a lot going on but just want to say hey & make sure you’re doing ok & things with your friend are better. I’m here to talk if you need me.” The whole day goes by & Noddy never looks at the message. Because things at work are fucking tense, I’m being micromanaged & my boss yelled at me this morning on the way to work, so much so that I had to tell him I would hang up if he kept going. I then actually cry on my long drive to the country when I keep getting messages from Max & not from Noddy… Maybe I like this guy more than I expected. Fuck… I let my fucking guard down too much! JESUS…

I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t read the message at all… I am not sleeping well because of this nor have I eaten, the ironic thing about that is that this is how I acted when Noodle & I ended… Could my feelings be more than I realise for this guy? If I can’t eat or sleep because he’s not messaging me? Am I falling for him?

I check my snapchat, usually I only look when someone sends me one, then I look at the stories but I’m bored & in a shitty hotel in the sticks over thinking, wondering what the fuck has happened with Noddy, when I see he’s posted something to his story, (Lets be honest, I don’t really understand snapchat! Hahaha.) However, it’s a picture of him in bed, laying down with his shirt off cuddling a chick. I obviously don’t know who the chick is, is it his ex-girlfriend or is it the “friend” he’s helping with the domestic violence situation? My gut drops, my heart starts pounding, I am losing my cool, is this a panic attack? I feel like I am going to vomit. I don’t know what to do. My first instinct is to just delete him & delete him from the group… FUCK you Noddy! I know we’re not exclusive, but fucking hell!!! He obviously wanted me to see this… But I don’t delete him… I decide to write him a message on snapchat. “Wow Noddy, what a way to find out… I thought I deserved better from you…” I am really fucking hurt… More than I thought I would be… I feel like a fucking twat! I had my guard up with this guy, knowing there was red flag after red flag… I finally let my guard down after everything with Noodle & I did it with another douche guy!

Look I know that we are not exclusive, but this guy has been so vocal about how much he likes me, how he doesn’t want to scare me off, I mean when I read back over this blog, he wrote me a fucking song!! He’s talked about our future… He’s been so keen… More than I have… Now look… I’m the idiot sitting here crying over another wanker…

The next day I get a message from him “Hey, look my snap isn’t what it seems… That’s the girl you know I’m helping… I am sick of sleeping on the couch so yeah it’s my bed & we are good mates… Yeah shit happens… I won’t argue about this… All I’ll say is I’m sorry it looks like that. But yeah… I have a lot to say… But don’t know how to say it. So I think it’s best I clear my head before I chat about it.” I decide not to respond, I want to hear what he has to say without my comments… What could he possibly have to say to me? But sitting there with my heart pounding, my gut churning… Even if I believe that the snap is not what it seems, why send it…? He knows I am friends with him on there & would see it when he hasn’t written back to my message… I think regardless of what he says, he wanted me to see it & wants to piss me off… I’m just not sure why? Maybe because I was upset he bailed & didn’t make another time to see me? He thinks he’s in the right? I don’t know… I do write back despite knowing that I shouldn’t “Well I’d obviously like to hear what you have to say still, but the way I see it… You used me as a rebound… You spouted all the “we” stuff that I hate – I got attached to you after you persisted in breaking down my barriers by telling me how much you want/like me, how amazing I am, even writing me a song! Against my better judgement I let down my guard with you even though there were red flags everywhere… Then you pull away but continue to say you really like me & thought you were falling for me… I actually really liked you Noddy. But yeah, when your head is clear, message me” He reads it but I never hear back. FFS!

The next morning, I wake up to find that a new chick has joined the group & is very familiar with Demon. It’s her – the chick in the snapchat, 1 day on the chat app with her face as her profile pic… WTF? There are also 2 more snapchats of Noddy & the chick hugging looking very cosy… I delete him from my snapchat, this is not healthy for me to keep looking at it, he’s clearly using it to piss me off – I don’t know why… I again can’t eat, or sleep… My heart is constantly beating out my chest… I think I am having a panic attack… This is how it felt when Noodle told me shit about his partner after we ended or I saw something about them from someone else… I really didn’t realise I liked this guy so much, or is it just the disrespectful way he’s going about ending it with me that’s making me feel like this? What a fucking child! I thought he wanted to be friends if this ‘fling’ ever ends… Yeah I remember him saying that…

I’m also watching Demon & the snapchat girl chat in the group like they’ve known each other for years… I see some red flags with this story… Demon also says that she’s watching this chick fuck her new man? Really? Someone just of a DV relationship is already fucking someone else? & it seems like she’s also had him before?! This is fucking weird… What the hell is going on!?

I’m driving to work in the country, when a best friend calls me & is crying, I think something has happened to her 3 week old baby, so I am crying before she can get it out that it’s her mum, she’s just passed away & all I can think is that I want Noodle to hug me. I never cry & it’s twice in a week!! WTF why do I want Noodle… It’s been over 6 months since we last spoke.

Another friend tells me when I’m talking to them about what has happened, that after the first Switch where Noddy disappeared, he apparently did spend the night with Demon, my friend tells me that there’s no proof they fucked, but it was clear Demon stayed at his house… Well now I feel like even more of a fuckwit, I hate feeling foolish… I trusted Demon this whole time… I thought she was on my side. I am hurt even more because I really like her… I thought she was trying to get Noddy to see he should be with me, not trying to fuck him. She also had a partner, who I don’t think she was open with at the time, so I’m not sure about this information. But just another red flag I ignored – I knew in my gut there was something about their friendship… I just knew but I didn’t want to be a jealous idiot, so I pushed it aside, knowing he’s told me how much he likes me!

So… Another thought, I don’t want to be insensitive here or seems like I don’t believe this snapchat chicks story, but firstly when my best friend got out of a domestic violent relationship, she deleted all social media & hid from the world, she went to a shelter & wouldn’t stay with me because she didn’t want him to know where she was… She wasn’t creating a chat app account with her full face as her profile picture or sending shapchats. She went into hiding! Secondly she definitely couldn’t fuck anyone else for months as she was scared to be with anyone… But this chick is fucking someone else’s partner within a few days, while seemingly in a 3sum? I hate to say it, but I am not sure I believe this story! I believe she’s told Noddy she was beaten by her partner, but she’s not really showing the signs of it, in my experience… I am trying not to judge, but there is something off about this story! I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Let’s think about this too… I’ve known Noddy for maybe 6-8 weeks, in that time this is the list of things he’s been though:

• Broken toe
• Cold/sniffles
• Mum’s car accident with broken rib
• A friend was beaten up by her partner & put in hospital
• Ex-girlfriend messaging him to get back with him
• His car accident
• His car breaking down, twice
• A friend committed suicide
• Helped friend with domestic violence situation

I really hate to say it & I hate to be untrusting of him, but can all that be true in the short time that I’ve known him? I get that some people have drama filled lives, I mean you only have to read this blog to know my life is a comedy act but can all that seriously have happened? & his breakup & trying to commit suicide himself, would this many people really be leaning on him at his fragile time? He’s still working on himself! I actually feel for him & want to hug him more! However, I can’t do that if he always bails, when will he let me be there for him?

Also, I knew there were red flags, this guy has them coming out of every orifice…

• Just got out of a long term relationship – 4 weeks before we met
• Doesn’t want to be in a relationship
• Tried to kill himself – 3 weeks before we met
• Smokes weed, every night plus who knows what other drugs he taken since knowing me
• 10 years younger than me (not that big of a deal now but could be!)

I knew there was a lot with this guy that I wasn’t sure of, I never thought with everything he’d been though that he’d be so disrespectful to me. I at least thought I deserved better from him… I told him in the beginning, that I didn’t want to be his rebound, he reassured me that I wouldn’t ever be that… He also said he wanted to be friends if we ended, that hurt me when he said it but now… Could I be friends with him after he’s been disrespectful?

What bothers me is that he’ll probably keep coming to Switch & bring this new chick even though he’d planned on coming to stay at mine, it is also the long weekend I’m going away with other friends that I was going to invite him too… I also have tickets to a DJ thing in July that I was planning to invite him too… I am fucking stupid for thinking about the future with him, I was even thinking that when I go to Melbourne in September with Ripples, he could come… I was planning way too much! Originally all I wanted was a guy I could fuck without a condom when I have this STI check & pap smear in a week, but he made me want more with his smooth talking & FUCK me, I fell for it like an actual factual wanker!

#IBD4U

A friend shared this with me the other night, obviously I have been the other woman, more than once. & like I said to Noodle a few times, why is his partner SO angry at me & not at him? He always said she was angry at him, but she had so much anger towards me – wanted to bash me up & I guess she did hit him & threaten him with weapons… But also like I said to Noodle, so many times, that I am single, I am allowed to be on dating apps, chat apps & talking to anyone I want… He is not, therefore I am not the problem.

I am not saying I am completely innocent here either so don’t misunderstand me, I went into things with some men knowing full well what the deal was, that he had a partner, but I’m sure there are others who lied to me & said they were single but weren’t & that’s why they disappeared…

If a man or woman for that matter, is in a “committed” relationship & they are online chatting to other people, meeting other people or fucking other people, the person that becomes the mistress isn’t the problem. This is an amazing article & really hits home for me – of course!

“Ladies, stop blaming the ‘other woman’. She didn’t cheat on you. He did.”

Not a single day goes by that I don’t see someone talking about what they would do to the other woman or how another woman better not talk to their significant other. I see women blaming the other women for their man’s indiscretions.

The side chick isn’t your problem. Your man is, and you’re making it worse.

Ladies, you’re not dating the other woman. You’re not married to the mistress. She isn’t the person who cheated on you, so she’s not your problem.

Why isn’t she your problem?

Your man is a cheater, and you need to stop blaming the other woman for his bad behaviour. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. It will be someone else in the future because the problem will remain the same. It’s your man.

When you blame someone else, you’re telling him it’s not his fault. You’re telling him he can’t help himself. You’re training him to believe it’s expected of him.

Whether you realise it or not, you’re telling him it’s okay because he has no control over his actions. When you go after the other woman, you’re showing him you blame her.

You’re telling him you don’t hold him responsible for cheating even though he was the person who cheated on you. You’re teaching him to keep on cheating, and you’re looking foolish for not placing the blame where it belongs.

The other woman didn’t cheat on you. He did.

She wasn’t the person who did you wrong. He was.

The other woman didn’t break your trust. He did.

Don’t tell me she knew better because she knew he wasn’t single. He made the decision to cheat knowing he wasn’t single. The other woman didn’t force him to cheat. Women aren’t out there holding guns to their heads to make these men cheat. He made a decision, and he made that decision knowing how it would affect you.

Going after the other woman does two things. It tells him it’s expected that he can’t control himself, and it lets him know you’re not going to hold him responsible for his actions.

Sure. You may huff and puff at him for a little bit, but you’re going to focus on the other woman. You’re showing him he can cheat with little repercussion.

You’re showing him you’ll hold a complete stranger responsible for your heartache before you’ll hold the actual culprit accountable. You’re teaching him it’s okay to cheat.

Sit back and think about who hurt you. You don’t care about her, so she can’t hurt you. He’s the one you care about. He’s the one who hurt you. His actions are what caused you pain.

The other woman doesn’t matter. She could have been anybody. It will be another woman next time, and he’ll still be the person cheating on you.

Stop teaching men they can’t control themselves and aren’t to blame. Stop teaching them to blame others for their own actions. Stop enabling cheaters and start holding them accountable for their choices. Otherwise, you’re just teaching him to cheat on you.

Here is the link to the article. https://www.msn.com/en-au/lifestyle/familyandrelationships/ladies-stop-blaming-the-other-woman-she-didnt-cheat-on-you-he-did/ar-BBZNsd9?ocid=sf2

Simply Amazing & 100% true!

#IBD4U

I can’t even… Yes… Max is back! I am having a shit time at work, I am being micromanaged like you wouldn’t believe, so I am on edge about that… Noddy hasn’t been chatting as much, even before his DV friend came along & all I want is for him to message me. So when I see Max’s face pop up on my Facebook messenger I think what the fuck does he want!

“Hi, you probably don’t want to talk to me again, but I wanted to check, I’d like to be friends still. Kinda don’t really have any friends and could really use one” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. So I know Sweetie isn’t happy & they’ve been on & off again, that she’s seeing someone else & I know they’ve been fighting about the fact she’s seeing a guy & he’s not seeing anyone… I guess the tables have turned & he doesn’t like it! I stare at it for ages & don’t know what to say to him… “Hey, while I have no hard feelings about you & don’t have any problems with talking to you, I also don’t want to be used now because you need a friend…!” I’m surprised that he takes some time to write back to be honest. “Fair enough, I deserve that. I haven’t been a very good friend to anyone” Did he really think we were friends? “I mean, we fucked for like 6 months & you weren’t even that good of a friend to me… So I guess I’m not jumping out of skin to give you any more of my time with not even an apology or anything” Like he doesn’t even apologise to me or even show any remorse! “I’m sorry for being a shitty friend. I thought we were friends. I guess I spent so much time on work I don’t even know if I’ve ever been a friend to anyone” Uhhh dur! I was sick of hearing how busy he was at work, remember! “We were friends till you started treating me like I was an option & taking me for granted… You’d do sweet things, like the tied ladybug at the wrong time then never spoke to me again” Remember the tied up ladybug in my letterbox after I get death threats from Noodle’s partner? “I spoke to you to wish you a happy birthday, you’d already blocked me. But your point is valid… I didn’t make any effort and I’m sorry for that. I wanted a friend but I didn’t want to be one. Was selfish of me.” I don’t read it, so that he can see I’ve read it, & I don’t write back till morning.

I go to sleep thinking that the lady bug in my letter box… That was like 2 months before my birthday! 2 months between messages, means we’re friends?! REALLY?! I can’t even believe I am replying at this point, what the fuck is wrong with me… This guy didn’t treat me well, he didn’t treat his wife well… Why am I replying? “I never blocked you. I made a new chat app account… You only ever put in effort till you got what you wanted despite what I wanted…” He asks if I’d be kin enough to forgive him, but look at this point, why should I & what would I get out of this if I did forgive him? I mean I know that Sweetie isn’t happy with him & seeing someone else, so now he’s contacting me because they aren’t happy together? I don’t reply the hours later he tells me that he’s scattered from now sleep. I finally write back “I know… I’m not Sweetie. I won’t put up with bullshit. Though I’m so surprised I actually put up with your bullshit for 6 months… Guess that’s what kinky sex does for me… Turns me into an idiot!” He says’s we’ve all been idiots for sex at some point. then asks “If you’re not busy this weekend, would you like to come to play VR in town & maybe grab some lunch or a coffee?” Would I? I mean do I want to get entwined with this guy again? I mean I really liked him, I definitely cared for him a lot, maybe I cared too much, that’s why it hurt me so much when he stopped talking to me, I mean I had Noodle & was in WAY to deep with him after just a couple of conversations, so of course that hurt way more, but I did like Max, he was good for me at the time. I actually enjoyed our time together & I actually have to thank him because I think if I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have believed that Noodle loved me… Hard to explain but I felt pretty worthless for most of my life towards men, wasn’t until Max that I realised a guy could actually like me. If that makes sense?

Anyway, I tell Max that I can’t commit to seeing him right now but he says that he wasn’t even expecting a reply from me & so he’s just happy that I did message him. I don’t want to ghost anyone, but I don’t reply. The next day he sends a hello & happy hump day, but I ignore it. The next day he sends “Went to the big wooden playground after dark. Have to say it looks a bit like a big wooden kinky dungeon” I don’t reply but I send a laughing emoji reaction back to his message. I can’t help but think that it would be fun to go to the wooden playground after dark, but I just can’t think about Max right now. I have Noddy, super cute & fun Noddy (albeit he’s being a bit of a douche right now.) I don’t want to jeopardise anything with Noddy for Max – especially since I know that Max will probably just stop chatting to me in a few weeks, or fuck me then lose interest again.

He messages me when I am about to go on a date & we chat about that, I don’t know why I am oversharing, maybe to make him jealous, I don’t know… I guess I don’t want Max, however, I don’t want him, but I don’t want him to want anyone else. I am so standoffish that I don’t know why he keeps writing to me, he writes long sentences, I write back “Hey” & nothing else.

I ignore several messages “Good morning cutie  hope you had some fun this weekend, and got some rest aswell, so you can smash through next week ” & then other messages that he was at megazone with the kids – wow he does stuff with the kids on his own? Over the course of the next week, these are the messages I ignore…

• Beer o’clock!

#IBD4U

Noddy & I talk about how sensitive we both get when we are tickling each other’s skin or playing with each other’s hair. He says that drives him nuts he gets so turned on, that even just thinking about it with me, he got a shiver up his spine. “Erg… I’m actually all squirmy now.. hehe fuck… I want you” Yeah I want you too Noddy! Didn’t he tell me he’d get in the car? Why isn’t he getting in the car?! He knows I want sex daily, so he knows how sexual I am, that I think this will be the first time we actually have text sex… He sends me a picture & as I go to open it, I assume it’s going to be his dick, he then says “I bet u thought that was gonna be my dick ahaha” Yeah, I definitely did! I say that at this point with him, it wouldn’t bother me, in fact I think his cock would turn me on… But he sends me a naked chest pic next, then 2 seconds later one of him rugged up in his dressing gown. I say he doesn’t need the dressing gown as he is so hot when he sleeps. He says that he usually sleeps in boxers or naked. He pretty much has always put clothes on at my house, I’ve slept naked with him, but he’s always sleeping with clothes on. I think it’s a little weird “hahah I know, lol.. I’m not used to being in another woman’s bed naked for the night” I’m like you’ve slept here many times, I’m not a strange woman. But he says that he wears boxers in case something happens… What the fuck would happen? I say “Good night strange man” & he says “What about spark plug” I tell him that he’s no longer spark plug but strange boy. I tell him that I am not strange but normal. He says “ Fuck off – Normal my ass” but then says he has to start work. I tell him that this convo is not over, I want to know why I am not over. He says “Well for a start you like me… that’s strange ahahaha. Don’t like cuddles, peanut butter… Need I continue” Fuck well that backfired… I wasn’t expecting him to have anything to say to that! Hahaha… I tell him that he gets a lot of cuddles from someone who doesn’t like cuddles… I also tell him “I’m always attached to people who make me laugh, so it’s not unfathomable that I would like you.. Plus you’re alright on the eyes.” I am always attracted to people who can make me laugh, this guy makes me laugh via text out loud & constantly in person…

Instantly he messages me saying he lost respect for someone in the group because he actually read her message about cheating wrong. She was being sarcastic but he read it as if she meant it. I have to explain to him that she didn’t mean it that way & he calms down a bit… WOW he really is against cheating. I mean he should be of course, I know that he was cheated on, but the fact that he will cut people pretty easily is very interesting. I need to be careful with the Noodle story.

I have just learned that Demon broke up with her partner on Mothers day, I am friends with the partner & he’s been chatting to me about it. He’s unsure if she cheated on him or not, she’s told him that she has another guy but refuses to dignify that with an answer, I mean he’s upset she won’t tell him, but it’s not going to help if he knows or not. I guess I am a bit scared at first that she’s with Noddy, but it’s not him… Why am I so jealous of her relationship with Noddy? He’s met her family & stuff, maybe that’s what it is? I wonder if Noddy knows the truth, I wonder if she did cheat & how he feels about it?

I tell him that messaging is hard, so I prefer face to face but that can be confronting. He agrees, I tell him that I was emailing Noodle for months after we ended but if we just had a conversation then it would’ve been done with. He tells me that he’s still messaging his ex about the house & stuff, I feel another pang of jealously. I tell him that I am here to chat if he needs. It’s true I will listen but I am scared that he’ll take me up on that offer & I don’t want to be jealous of his ex-girlfriend… Thinking dumb thoughts, like what if he goes back etc. “Yeah. Trust me, I’ll message you to rant about it hahaha” I say that I am happy to listen anytime. “Yeah its good… Just to know I can message you about anything. And just talk about shit.” I’m so glad he sees me as someone he can talk too…

He decides that I need pictures galore of him to save in my Noddy file. They look a little older, when he seems really skinny, I think perhaps maybe because of drugs, I’m not sure… But he looks much better now. I ask him about his workmates because he is constantly sending me selfie pictures throughout the day, he says that they just laugh but he doesn’t care.

It’s the night before we supposed to catch up, he’s disappeared & not chatting to me or in groups, but when he comes back online he says “Hey… sorry… had a fucked night… Just got a call & my mate is heading down from Berri, she’s run away from a DV relationship” This brings up bad memories for me, I have helped my friend a few times, once her & the kids were dropped off at my house by the police, another time she was living in a shelter for ages, unable to live with me because her partner knows where I live & I wasn’t allowed to know where the shelter was either. I even left work to take her to the police station. I say I hope she’s ok. “I dunno… she called in tears so I said just come here. She can stay the night & talk if she needs” Well that’s good she’s got him, not much else he can do, unfortunately she may make stupid decisions he doesn’t agree with… He tells me he could never raise an unconsented hand to a women, I tell him it’s a vicious cycle & that my best friend hasn’t spoken to me for 4 months, I think mainly because she doesn’t want to see me because she went back to him, but I also think he isolates her by degrading her & making her feel worthless. He apologises for bringing up this & upsetting me. I say that I’ve been dealing with it for 10 years so I am ok, but I didn’t want to make this about me. I guess I just wanted him to know I can help & would be there if he needed advice. He stops replying, I go to sleep, assuming she got to his house.

I wake up I the morning to a message at 4:31 am “Alright… She’s finally crashed out after crying for hours. I’m gonna try to get a few hours sleep before work at 9. Working from home so not so bad” I know this is really really selfish of me, but I know he’s going to bail on me for our movie night… I say good morning & wish his friend well, he says good morning gorgeous says he got a bit of sleep, that he has his mate coming over with his car & that he hopes I have a good day. I had a busy as fuck morning, so I finally write back saying that I’m looking forward to relaxing with him tonight – knowing that he is going to have to bail, which sucks. “Hey at this stage hun she doesn’t have anywhere to go so I said she could stay here a few days.” It’s also almost 1:00 pm & he says his friend has only just dropped his car off & it’s a 6 hour job… So there goes my evening, even if she doesn’t let him go – which surely she wouldn’t want to come between him & the chick he’s seeing. I know my friend would be mortified if she fucked up my plan because she needed me… Not that I mind, but she would be horrified. I can’t hide my disappointment, I knew she would stay there but I figured he’d be able to leave her… Doesn’t she have family or other friends? Running form a domestic violence situation, you wouldn’t want to be around men – I know my friend was scared of all men for a while. Noddy says that he’s rather not leave her with his roommates. “I’m sorry hun can I come see you tomorrow for a coffee date or something just to see you before you have to go this week?” Well at least he wants to make it up to me… I say yeah fair enough, he probably should stay there with her. But I let him off the hook for tomorrow saying that I doubt he’ll be able to leave her so see how he goes…

I go out that night because I’m not going to sit at home alone feeling shit that I was bailed on. Yes a legit reason, so I am not upset about that, I am more upset that he doesn’t even seem to care that he’s bailed on me… Maybe he does, but if I had to bail, I’d be so apologetic & would be locking in the next time… Didn’t he tell me he would lock in the next time? He’d never bail on a woman? He replies as I’m on my way out at 8:00 pm telling me she’s be crying all day, he took her to the police but she wouldn’t go in. He said he’s trying to work on her being ok with his housemates which she seems to be doing well.

I write back on my way home… “I’m glad you’re being there for her, I totally understand & makes me like you more for being a good friend… But I can’t hide my disappointment that I’m always the thing you deprioritise when something happens… So while I’m trying not to seem bitchy, I’m sorry if I am. I’m genuinely upset too” I want him to know that I am sad about him not seeing me. I am not at all trying to make him feel bad. I actually like this side that he is such a good friend… I just hate that it always seems to be at my expense. He reads the message & never replies… Ok so we’re back to that!?

#IBD4U

I send Noddy a picture of me in tights & he says “Erg… Omg woman, those feet… Fuck you are so fucking sexy” I didn’t realise he has a foot fetish. It’s not entirely my thing, but I am happy to explore that with him… We’re still talking about Ripples, when I say “Just as long as you remember who gets to take me home” with a kissy emoji. He says “Oh yeah, I do hahaha, & boy do I like that feeling… ‘yeah well I get to go & fuck that’ I think is what I said to Demons brother” OMG, did he really? Fucking hell.., I thought he’d be more respectful than that to be honest. He says that Demons brother noticed it was a bit weird with Ripples & asked Noddy if he was ok with it. I’m glad that Noddy said he was fine with it. I tell him that any time it bothers him, he should tell me & I will talk to Ripples, which he says he will… I want him to keep coming to Switch with me, I can’t wait to show him my lingerie & outfit for the next one.

Noddy makes some jokes & asks if I have a Ripples photo folder as well as a Noddy one, I say that I don’t but I have a folder called Rope. All my rope pics. He laughs & I tell him that I wish I never told him that I saved his photos like a creep. He asks why & I say that I don’t want to come across as a weirdo… Without asking, he sends me a picture of his camera roll & it’s all pictures that I have sent in the last day or so of me in my lingerie. I laugh so hard. He says that I told him he could save whatever he wanted, which is true, so he’s been saving! That is fucking CUTE AS FUCK… I love that!!! He sends me a picture that he’s edited of me again using a filter then I send him a gif of a creep-o-meter. It’s so fucking cute, I can’t even cope!

The day, the next day after the death, I message him as soon as I wake up, I am not stubborn now. I let him know that I woke up thinking of him & made myself cum before work. I hope that he has a better day. He says that he wishes he could of helped me this morning & that my pictures helped him sleep. He said he went through my folder of pictures & got himself off… I wish he came to my house instead. I kind of curse the fact that I live so far from him & his work because I’m certain that he would stay over if I was closer… I think we’d be much further along & wouldn’t have as many communication issues.

I get a random message from him, later in the day with no context, while I’m at work, it’s a song…

Wasting Time

See I hate myself

For all the things I have done

Berate myself

For all the fights that

I should of fucking won.

But in the end its me who you’ll be missing

In the damn night you with that you were kissing

But now I write these songs

About our life I am dissing

All the love and all the hate

Mistakes that were made

I only fucking wish

I could make you happy everyday

See I’m wasting all of my time

And you see I got nothing

Dwelling in this mind

And I feel like I wasted my

Whole life time

See all these people

Throw me a life line

But I’m too fucking proud

To keep these fucking

People around

Bury me 6 feet deep

Put my life in the ground

Because what goes around

Comes right back around

Bitch I’ll make you scream

But they won’t hear a sound

“Are you ok?” I send. Fuck that’s intense… He’s actually a good writer, I am not surprised though, he does write intelligently to me, besides when he talks he says ‘fuckin’ a lot, but I know this guy is smart enough to keep up with me. He’s a little bogan, but he’s definitely not someone you have to explain big words too… He says that’s it’s an older song that he’s been working on lately. I just say that I wanted to make sure he’s ok because it seemed a bit heavy “You are beautiful. That’s why I like you so much” I mean I do care for this guy already… It’s only been 6 weeks or so, but I am invested… More than I should with the red flags, more than I should being that he’s told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment… But that’s ok, we’re taking it slow, but when he says stuff like that… Fuck I want to see him…

He hasn’t really ever asked me out again – I always have to do it, so I suggest we catch up on the weekend for a cuddle & possible a free movie since I have tickets from when I bought my investment property, I need to use them soon! He says that he’d love too on Saturday afternoon. My heart sinks a bit, that means he won’t stay if he comes over for the arvo. But I hide my disappointment because I want to see him & I guess a few hours at the movie is better than nothing. I tell him I have to work till 4:00 pm but will be home at 4:30 pm & I remind him that I’m away the next week, I tell him this fact so if he considers bailing, he probably won’t see me. Not that he seems to care about that, but my vagina does & I get Horngy (Horny & angry!) He says “Egh… Well l’ll definitely have to see you this weekend” I say that he doesn’t have too see me, because I’m not sure about that Egh at the beginning of his sentence, but he says “Oh yeah I do… I want to see you” ok well that’s good then!

I have just been working out for a couple of hours, sending him a gym selfie & he sends me one where he looks stoned as fuck. I also offer to work out with him, when he says he hasn’t been for ages. I tell him I’ll leave it up to him to organise these exercise dates etc, because he’s the one that say ‘we’ll do this…’ or ‘we’ll do that’ but we never do & I hate it… I’m a planner & if someone says to me they want to do something, then I start planning in my head how we’ll do it… He says that we’ll do the movie. I ask what time he has to leave on Saturday but he says he can stay till whenever that he’s not working on Sunday. I get a little more excited, he’s going to come over late Saturday afternoon, he suggest 5:00 pm so we have time to do stuff before the movies… Stuff eh! Hahaha. We look at a couple of movie trailers & times, he says that maybe he will just tease me before the movie. I do say that the 5 hours of foreplay at Switch was pretty hot. I tell him that I will send him pictures of toys & so I send him my draw in my bed & he says that I’m in trouble. I tell him that I forget what half of it is form being that every guy I’m with says we’ll use it but we never do. He says that we’ll definitely use it all. I remind him about my erotica story of the bar in the Nipple bells, I tell him that that was what my fantasy was about the other morning, he says that he’s read them all a few times, picturing us as the couple. I love that…

He sends me a shower selfie & then one of him in his bloody dressing gown again with crazy hair. I tell him that I haven’t ever seen him with crazy hair, he’s always looking in my mirror to fix it – like Justin Bieber, it only every looks crazy when he’s fucking me & I’m grabbing it… “Hehehe, Oh I fucking love it when you do that” I tell him that I like my hair played with too “Oh I noticed when I play with your hair u turn into a puddle of happy” FUCK, I really have no poker face!

#IBD4U

Here is the seventh instalment of the Mixed bag series… I hope you like these. These are a little bit older but always fun to read… Some more insight into why I am like I am!

Square Bear

I met this guy in 2016, so we’re going back a few years BN (Before Noodle) & still very new to kink. I mean I think I may have even been with Milky or that may have ended. I actually think this was just before I met Noodle & I was just about to start seeing Max…. I don’t even remember where I met this guy either but I know chatted a lot on the chat app.

We literally chat a lot, we chat most days, for a while actually, so much so that I think we should meet because you know what I’m like, I build up a relationship in my head & then the dude is a douche or we just don’t mesh well & then it’s over, causing me to waste so much time with these thoughts of wedding bells – not really but you know what I mean! Hahaha.

We do talk about kink at some point during our conversation, at this point I am looking for more in this world & looking to explore a few things, so it’s a topis that most guys find easy, they usually tell me how amazing they’d be & how they’re dominant etc. I tell him that I have recently been spanked a lot & tied up enjoying it a lot, he asks a lot of questions about what I mean & what I enjoy, why I enjoy it etc so I think that this guy is into this, he will like when he tells me that “I couldn’t ever hit a woman, I wasn’t brought up that way.” Right? What does consensual sexual spanking have to do with the way you were brought up? I wasn’t brought up being spanked & now I have a fetish for it? I get that men don’t want to hit a woman, but I’m not asking him to hit me in a fit of rage, I’m asking him to hit me in a sexual context & I’m actually consenting to it. There’s a very big difference.

Well I don’t need kink, I enjoy it & I would like to explore it but it’s not the be all & end all of my sex life, so I meet this guy for a date. We’re chatting online on boxing day, both hungover & decide that we should meet later in the afternoon for a drink. I meet him & he’s cute, pretty much like his pictures, but he’s not hot, not exactly what I would like, but I’m not turned off.

We chat for hours, having a couple of hair of the dogs before we go home, kissing on the cheek goodbye… I didn’t really feel the spark, didn’t really feel the thing you should feel… I didn’t know it at the time, but only a few months later, I would meet Noodle & feel that thing!

New years goes by & I don’t hear from Square Bear, I don’t message him either, being the stubborn bitch I am. However he does eventually message to say happy new year & that he doesn’t think that we’re right for each other but he really liked me & think that I will find someone, he says that he know she’s a dickhead, that I’m amazing but he basically doesn’t want to see me again.

No hard feelings there, but I would have given this guy a second date at least, I don’t know how these men make such a snap decision with me, I mean I knew that we probably weren’t right for each other, but I definitely would have gone on a second date with him…

Game Show

One of the most mortifying things as a single woman with a lot of friends in couples is the fact that everyone in a couple thinks you should be in a couple. I mean I want to be in a couple don’t get me wrong, but I hate when friends mean well but they can sometimes go over the top.

So I was at a 50^th birthday party for someone that I work with, it was a mad hatters party & I was literally was looking amazing. I wasn’t a hat person so I wore a 1920’s style headband that I had worn to another party a few years earlier. I had a cute short bob hairdo & felt pretty good about myself. I didn’t really want to go to this party alone but other colleagues are there so I will just go & have a good time.

There is one person in my life who I’ve talked about before, her house was that of the infamous Christmas party. She is so lovely & wonderful & means well, however this night she’s had a few drinks & she walks through the party gathering up the single people. I am reluctant to get out of my chair, it’s cold in August at an outdoor party, where I have finally got a seat by the heater, however another friend sort of makes me get up & come with her as she’s being pulled into the garden too.

There are 4 single women, ant marching their way to the bottom of the garden to a fire pit. We get to the place our wonderful friend has led us too & there are 3 dudes, she stands us opposite each other & basically becomes a game host!

OH HOLY FUCK…

I have either blocked it or was too drunk later in then evening to remember, but the game host friend asks us all a different question that we all answer, but then nothing comes of this game. We all go about the party like nothing happened, but standing there, in front of eligible bachelors & answering questions was the worst moment of my single life. I felt so fucking small & some degraded, I know that seems ridiculous but you have no idea what it is like standing in front of a party with them all knowing that you’re fucking single & participating in some sort of weirdo game show at a birthday.

The Bachelor

One thing I haven’t ever done to find love is to go on a dating TV show. For those of you following my Facebook page, you’ll remember that I posted a status ages ago about which show you’d all go on. Most of you suggest Married at first sight, however as someone who’s never been married & I do want to get married one day, I want that more than anything… But I want it to be special not some douche on the tv that is only on their for the fame, only on their for their 15 minutes of fame.

While I assume most guys I meet now at my age will have been married before, I only want to get married once. Marriage means something to me, it means that I am pledging my love to someone in front of all my friends & family. Married at first sight, while I know they aren’t really married, is just making a mockery of marriage in my view.

When I googled, the only show looking for contestants at this time was the bachelor, I set about sending in an application. Fucking hell, they want to know a fair bit about you, the survey took about an hour to fill out, they also want 2 pictures of you, 1 headshot & 1 full body shot. I got through the survey thinking, yeah my story is quite interesting so I may get a look in, however I get to the last page & you have to upload a video of no more than 2 minutes of yourself. OMG What am I going to say about my love life without sounding like a tool – I had just ended with Noodle & was feeling so shit about myself, would I talk about that? Would that be a good story or would I be the home wrecker on the show before people even get to know me?

I also immediately have visions of this video winding up on YouTube like a child star like Justin Bieber at the talent show he didn’t win. FUCK. I never do it. I chicken out… & now reading back on the game show evening, I am fucking glad that I didn’t go on a reality TV show to find love. I know that I would slink away into the background & I wouldn’t have been given a rose on the first night. Those women are all so beautiful, I know that I would end up with my heart broken!

Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough, but I doubt it.

Another mixed bag, which I hope you enjoyed!

#IBD4U

The next day Noddy & I are talking about the creepy dude at Switch, he’s talking about punching him if I need him too, but I can handle the guy, I think he’s harmless – a bit of a voyeur if anything. We also talk about the fact his jumper was on my bed & I walked into the room & that I thought he was in there because it smells like him so much, I was actually expecting him to jump out & scare me… I don’t even know how that would be possible unless he broke into my house, which is pretty much impossible unless you break a window. I say that he only wants to scare me because he knows I’ll cuddle him afterwards, he says “Ahaha, yeah fuck oath I do.. hahaha I love your cuddles” Again the L word even though in that context, catches my breath.

It’s mother’s day (so we’re up to May 2019 for those keeping tabs on how close to real life we are…) & we chat quite a lot back & forth, we’re talking about him being a bogan & drinking milk out of the carton, we start talking about our families, he says “Ahaha, you are such a yobbo. Fucking hell, I didn’t doubt you weren’t a bogan for a second, love” I laugh at that, & I say that I am the black sheep but I come from a low socio-economical background, trying to open up the dialogue a bit to remind him I’m just like him, I say that it looks like I’ve got it all together, but I don’t. I’m not posh like I think he thinks I am. I don’t want him to think I am better than him, I don’t want it to be like Noodle how he thought he couldn’t be with me because my house is so clean… I want Noddy to know he can fit into my life if we go down that path. Oddly he never reads the message but he keeps chatting in the group about game of thrones… I am kind of crestfallen about that, I was trying to open up & go a bit deeper with him. I guess maybe that he doesn’t want us to go deep just yet. He never reads the message the whole next day… I think WTF? This is another day now since we worked stuff out that we didn’t talk. I hate that… It makes it awkward again… I guess that’s why the arrangement with Noodle worked so well, we never had this bullshit of who messaged who first – though by the time I was 13 blog posts in I was probably in love with Noodle but pretending I wasn’t… It’s not quite the same with Noddy.

Tuesday morning, Noddy messages me “Morning gorgeous. Hope you have a good day at work. I’m rooted I haven’t slept in 2 days… I just can’t sleep. Gonna go to the docs after work. If I make it that far.” I refuse to read it all day, I am really busy at work anyway so I don’t have time but I am being really stubborn & playing a stupid game. But FUCK! When I open this message I see that my previous message about my history still hasn’t been read… WTF? I send him a screenshot & say “Afternoon… sorry had a flat out day. Why haven’t you slept? & oddly my message never sent Sunday night, you never read it?” He sends me a screenshot back, showing me that he didn’t receive it & I realise that the chat app is just trying to ruin my life!! FUCK, now I feel so bad for not checking the message earlier… I tell him that I thought it was weird that he never even looked at the message & was chatting in my group. He says “Yeah I was like ok did I offend her with my yoboo or was it the love?”

I tell him how shit work has been for me lately & he offers his help, but there is nothing he can do, I had some annual leave that wasn’t approved which has pissed me off a lot & some depressing news about moving teams, which I didn’t want to do, I just wanted to stop travelling as much – because that ruins my dating life. But things were happening without me being consulted & I am not happy about it…

I am in the bath as we have this conversation & I do something so unprecedented for me & send him a full nude I the bath… I never send full nudes, I must trust this guy a lot… Noodle is the only guy to get a full nude of me… “Oh fuck… damn girl… U fine as fuck ahaha” I smile, that’s just the reaction I wanted! The reaction I needed!

When I get out the bath, because things are good, I put his jumper on, I love the smell of it… I send him a picture “Ahahaha… cute as fuck… is my jumper good?” I tell him that it barely covers my butt but is massive on me, he says he needs to see that & I can’t wait to wear it around him… I ask him if he wants panties or no panties, when he says panties, I don’t know why I am surprised by that choice. Then we start talking about the lingerie he’s fucked me in & I send him a bunch of pictures “Oh damn. Fucking hell woman you are stunning” or “You look fucking good in white” (Noodle always loved me in white) or “OMG fucking hell, you are… mmmmm… Damn.” He tells me that I am not helping because he is in the lounge room, rising!

I wake up in the morning & I decide to send him a message first – I don’t want any of these stupid games again…. I’m 37 FFS! He tells me that he’s had a bad morning, that a mate took his own life last night… OH FUCK… This is going to be tough for him, bring up memories & also make him feel like he should’ve known & done something… I’m glad I wasn’t a stubborn bitch this morning & refusing to message him! I obviously offer anything I can including a cuddle after work, he says he’d love one & I hope that he does come over to my house tonight. He says he’d love to see me but he’ll see how he goes. I tell him that I wish there was more I could do but I won’t judge if he wants a cuddle & a cry. He says “Thanks heaps #IBD4U, it means heaps… more than you realise” he tells me that what hit him the most was what everyone would’ve been life if he went through with killing himself… I get that people would’ve been heartbroken, I say even me now, I’d be really upset too.

He posts a message to everyone in the group & it just makes me want to go to his work & hug him “Morning all, Just FYI For anyone & everyone. If you ever need someone to listen, chat to or even just have a fat rant about something my inbox is always open. My real point here is there is no reason to fight life on ur own… there are people that will help you, even if you think there isn’t. I’ll be here… You might not feel like talking to me. But please reach out to someone. I love you all. You are all amazing.” Wow. he’s a genuinely good guy!

We talk throughout the day, I also see in the group that he’s going to get smashed & smoke cones tonight with his friend, so I guess he’s not coming over, I am disappointed that I’m not the one he turns to lean on, but I get it. He doesn’t come over but we chat. I try to distract him with the outfit that I had delivered for the next Switch. I like that I can make plans with him, knowing things are so much better for us… (OMG I’m saying ‘us’) We’re going with the flow, but also planning & really working on the communication a lot more. I send him a picture of me in the new outfit & he sends a gif with googley eyes popping out their head. I then show him some lingerie that I could wear underneath & he picks a black & gold set. I suggest knee high tights, which I’m not sure I have so I go digging around in the draw & put some on sending him a picture of me knee high stocking. I say that I won’t be able to get tied in this outfit, but then ask if he’s ok with me being tied by Ripples, because I don’t want it to be weird for him. He tells me that at first it was but he’s open to it.

I explain it’s just a rope thing with me & Ripples, that I liked Noddy watching me but I didn’t want him to be weirded out. “Haha, yeah… nah.. I understand, and it really is ok.. it wasn’t too weird.. just him thirsting on you haha… oh damn, I’m jealous” OH FUCK I don’t want him to be jealous. I remember how jealous Noodle got when men chatted to me & how I had to talk him around so many fucking times, that I don’t want to have that with Noddy… But as I always say, jealously is an emotion of the fear of losing something… So I now know that Noddy is scared to lose me! I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about & I tell him that I am into someone else… hehehe. “Oh I know… nah, it’s not like bad, bad. But like, it’s just u can see him about to start drooling starting at ur vag laying down hoping for a waft of it.” Bahaha… That’s so funny. I know Ripples can be full on, so I reassure Noddy, I only want him… I have to admit to myself, I wasn’t expecting that to come out of my mouth, but it did… I can be very loyal when it comes to seeing guys, I guess part of the reason is the plan to get to a point of not wearing condoms, but I actually really like this guy… He’s a decent human being & I am keen to see where it goes with him! Everyone likes him in the group, I like him, he’s a really good guy, we just have communication issues to sort out, but that’s nothing we can’t fix!

#IBD4U

OMG… This is my exciting news… I’m freaking jumping out my skin right now to share this with you!!

So often things pop up on my facebook or insta for my blog, I follow a lot of other blogs & I also listen to a few podcasts, I read news articles & really involve myself in other dating stories because I love reading & hearing other stories as outrageous as mine.

I found a podcast, from Florida in America & I listened to a few episodes, liked their page & didn’t think much else of it, until the day Jack from Dating Confessions messaged me & asked me to be in their show! OMFG! So surreal…

Little ol #IBD4U has been asked to do something which involves my blog! It’s always been a passion project of mine & others are noticing. WOW… I’m gonna be famous! Hahaha. I agree to it, of course, not knowing they wanted me on the next episode!!

So the other day, via skype I chatted with Jack & Alisha from Dating Confessions & we shared some stories! I was literally so nervous but I am so excited by this. Here it is for you to listen too… Please me know what you think of this, those following my Facebook will know that I have had a podcast in the pipelines for a while…

Here is the spotify link to my episodes with Jack & Alisha…

If you want to listen to more episodes of Dating Confessions with Jack & Alisha, follow them where ever you listen to your podcasts.

#IBD4U

The car ride with Noddy is uneventful, he talks to my dad like he’s known him for years, offering to fix his multitude of cars in their front yard – I think this is sweet but I’m always cautious of the “we” stuff & the making plans for the future… It hasn’t ever gone my way but maybe this could be the guy?

Dad drops us off, Noddy & I walk in the door at Switch & there is no eftpos so I have to go to the ATM. I thought Noddy heard what was happening, but he pays for himself & follows me to the ATM – I’m surprised that he didn’t offer to pay the $20 for me to get in, I had just spend $40 on pizza & got us a free ride in to the city, but that’s ok, I am not the type to let a guy pay for everything. He starts talking to a guy & girl, I wonder who they are, they are clearly a couple but the chick is very touchy feely with Noddy that it’s a bit weird, I get my money out & go to the door to pay my entry then back to them. Noddy introduces me & says that the guy is Demon’s brother & his partner. Oh ok… Demon is sick & not coming tonight, I don’t know why I am happy about that to be honest… I like her & am thankful she’s on my side, helping Noddy to be a better man to be with me. I have no reason to be jealous of her… I need to shake that… It’s weird though, I mean Noddy has only known Demon the same time as he’s known me.

Noddy & I get a drink & go upstairs. Ripples is there & I introduce them. Noddy & I sit over on the edge of a couch for a while just chatting & kissing. It’s a really quiet switch to be honest & I think I am glad that some people aren’t here, because Noddy won’t forget I am here – like he did last time. There aren’t as many people there that I know, so it seems a bit awkward. I want to say hello to people with Noddy there, so I don’t look like a loser in the kink scene that I’ve been going on & on about. Noddy barely leaves my side except when he goes out for a smoke, but this time he’s not out there long. I wonder if that’s because Demon & Doddy aren’t here to distract him?

We’re kissing the whole time he’s upstairs with me, when he goes to get a drink, Ripples actually asks me if I’m ok & if I need rescuing because I don’t look like I’m ok. Yeah I’m ok, I am more than ok, my panties are wet from this foreplay. This is the first time in a fucking long time that I have been out with a guy & had him offering me drinks, finding ways to touch me when he doesn’t need too… Standing by me proudly… It makes me wish he got to my house earlier to fuck me but then this is pretty fucking good… 5 hours of foreplay…

After the show, Ripples plans to tie me up. Noddy is not around, he’s gone for a smoke, drink & toilet, so I message him to let him know. I’m not going to be stupid about this again. I am lying on the ground so I don’t even know if Noddy’s watching or not. Ripples ties both my legs in what is called a futo (I look like a bound ham) then gets ready to suspend me when I see Noddy sitting there with his friends watching intenetly & I feel so special.

I am glad that he’s there watching, I’m about to do something I’ve never done, however I’m worried I won’t be able to do it either… I am being tied by just my legs & then getting wax poured all over me. Once suspended, I don’t know what to do with my arms, so in all the photos they are flapping about. I spin for a bit & then Ripples drips wax all over my legs. It feels so good. I did it… I can do it! After I’m down on the floor Ripples asks me if I want to get Noddy to help get rid of the wax, I say yeah. He gets Noddy over & he asks me how it was… As the ropes come off my legs, they are so embedded in my leg that it kills me & I cry out… That was so painful but so good… Noddy rubs my legs taking the wax off, saying how much he liked watching that. I am glad he enjoyed because I know Ripples can be a bit creepy, so I am worried that Noddy will think it means more than it does…

We’re sitting down, I watch Demon’s brothers girlfriend get tied up by Ripples as it’s her first Switch & he wants to experience something. I talk to Demon’s brother & he’s really nice. When Noddy comes back I am shivering & he gives me his jacket. Then says “Do you hear that?” I’m like dude we’re in a nightclub, all I can hear is music. I ask what & he says “It’s your bed calling” I giggle & think thank fuck for that. I know last Switch he was here till like 4:00 am or something. I get tired after being tied as it’s like a massage so I didn’t know what time he’d want to stay till, that I’d had 2 red bulls before I came but it’s before midnight which is usual for me. We catch an Uber home, that I pay for, he doesn’t offer me money, I also notice that he didn’t seem to say thanks to my dad for dropping us off either… But anyway, he has paid for everything pretty much. However I do offer him money every time.

We chat easily on the way home in the car, he says that he wants to watch the movie “It” when we get home, I hate scary movies but when he’s out for a smoke, I put it on, hiding under the covers. But it’s too scary for me, I keep jumping so I put on Love Actually, we don’t get to watch much because we are fucking quickly. He’s fucking me fast & his cock slips in my ass too fast that I’m not prepared. *Surprise Anal* I must jump because he stops & says “OMG are you ok?” I explain he was in my ass & he says sorry he didn’t mean too, I know that was a total accident, he’s definitely not that type of guy. We go to sleep at like 2:00 am, me laying on his chest & he says “There’s no better way to fall asleep than like this” & he kisses the top of my head. FUUUCKK!!

When we wake up in the morning, Noddy does his usual routine of getting up for the bathroom & smoke before coming back to fuck me again. I am still in my body suit from last night, I ask if he wants me to take it off but he says hell no. He brings me a cup of tea in bed & brings his coffee in too… I could get used to this… He leaves about lunch time after pizza & a smoothie – that he hates because it has peanut butter in it (But I suggest what I usually have, which is avocado in my smoothie & he makes a vomit face), I notice when he’s gone home that his favourite black sabbath jumper is on my pool table. After I put it on & it smells like him, I smirk s I put it on…. I realise I am in trouble here… I sit there writing & sitting in his jumper (like a fuckwit) & he’s already sent me all the pics he took last night, but then he randomly sends me a picture that he’s edited, which all he’s done it put a filter on it, & says “Hope you’ve having a good day” which makes me smile like an idiot thinking that he’s editing my pictures that he has on his phone… That’s so fucking adorable! I like knowing that he is thinking about me when not with me! I send him a picture of me wearing his jumper, hoping that it’s not weird, but he says that he likes seeing me in it. We talk about what piece of clothing he’d get from me if I lose a dare & he instantly says g string, last time I gave away my underwear did not go well, so I am skeptical about this but he says he’s sure it’ll happen one day that he’ll get a pair… I’d probably just give him a pair if he really wanted them!

I tell him that I don’t often get punishment, I can be bratty & he says the he doesn’t think he’s seen the half of it… No dude, you haven’t! & I can’t wait to show him! He says he can’t wait to have some more fun too. I say that I do like to be dominated over text that he doesn’t have to wait for a dare. I don’t think he gets it because he just says “yeah good to know.” I want him to send me text commands, be dominant when we’re not together, because we’re not together a lot. Although every time we’ve talked dirty or I’ve been saying that I’m playing with my vibes, he’s been too busy, I can’t help but think he’s chatting to someone else, but he usually sends me a picture of him in bed alone or writing music. Just reminds me how much Noodle always gave me his undivided attention when I started talking sexy, this guy doesn’t seem to pick up on it…

I tell him that he should’ve just fucked my ass because I can still feel him in there. He says that he’d love too but will start a bit slower. I can’t wait for that, it’s been a while since someone fucked my ass, maybe Crows was the last dude…

Noddy gets concerned about what I’m talking about in the group about this weirdo Indian guy that was at Switch. I’ve seen him at the play parties just walking around & lurking. He’s weird, he walks around just starting & getting in your way so you can’t get past. Noddy tells me to tell him if I ever see him again, I ask what he’d do if I did feel uncomfortable & I tell him that if I felt uncomfortable I would’ve said something but we were not apart pretty much the whole night… He was exactly what I wanted that night – maybe I do want a relationship? This guy was perfect, always by my side, offering me drinks (I don’t drink much anymore until I’m tied at least) & touching me non-stop.

Fuck… do I want a relationship or is this guy just treating me well & I’m forgetting Noodle?!

#IBD4U

“I’m just leaving rope now” I text Noddy to let him know I’m on my way he says “See you soon” & I drive to his house, thinking from what he was saying that he lives in the ghetto. But he doesn’t, his house is fairly nice. He gets in the car after I text to says I’m there & he says that I can come in, but I say that we should go for a drive, I don’t want to go into his house & meet his housemates, who seem to know lots about me – then we won’t resolve anything. I haven’t told that many people in my real life about him, mainly just people on the chat app. Everyone on the chat app knows because Noddy sent that picture of us in bed together, but other than that, I haven’t said much to anyone – I am cautious of everyone knowing & now that it’s shit, I’m glad I was smart enough not to tell people.

I figure if we go inside we won’t talk because we’ll either sit with his housemates awkwardly or end up having sex. So I suggest a drive, he starts giving me directions & I tell him that he’s better off pointing left & right because I will probably turn the wrong way. What is it about left & right’s when someone is giving you directions? Does anyone else do that, when someone says turn left, you turn right? Hahaha. Anyway we have a laugh about it & I kind of relax a little, he’s not being that standoffish with me, though he didn’t kiss me hello – every time Noddy has seen me, he kisses me hello & goodbye. We drive for about 10 minutes before he says to pull into the parking space on the side of a dark road, I do, turn the lights off & turn to him to say “So what’s been happening?” I hold my breath…. He tells me that his ex-girlfriend has been in contact with him again, mainly about the cats, he said he it’s stressing him out because he doesn’t think she’s living there as she’s with the guy she cheated with, so he’s worried about their well being. He talks about the car accident & now how fucked his car is, that he’s been so busy… (Fucking hell, I hate when men say that they’re so busy! WTF does it even mean?! So insulting, like I’m not busy.) He then asks me what’s been happening with me & I say “Well I’m confused” I explain that he was seeing me like 3 times a week & chatting to me constantly, then he just disappeared. He says again that his ex girlfriend has stressed him out & he’s busy but I know that’s not it… I say “That’s not completely true though is it?” He says no & chuckles a little like there is more to the story than he wants to share… but he says that he panicked, his housemates were giving him shit about how much he was seeing me & had actually asked if he was in love with me, which he started to think he was… WOHA! But because he just got out of a relationship he doesn’t want to get into another one, but he really really likes me. I ask why we have to label it & he says that that’s just who he is, he would’ve been asking me to label it with him. I mean I’m not 100% there yet, but I am pissed that he would just back off instead of talking to me. How old is this guy? I know he’s 10 years younger than me, but I thought he was more mature than this. I ask him if we can just keep going on how we are, seeing where it goes & having fun… (This is never something I thought I would ever have to say to a guy) he agrees that he can do that & I ask him to kiss me, which he does… I do consider fucking him but I didn’t bring a condom. We talk a bit more about all sorts of shit, he makes me laugh a lot, I am happy that I’ve had this talk with him, this week away will be bearable & Switch will be fun on Friday night. We’re going together, things are back on track & we don’t have to label it! I am planning the sort of exclusivity talk when I get my pap smear & STI check in a couple of weeks, but even that seems now to be too much if he’s freaking out about falling for me. But that’s my aim, then from there see if the boyfriend/girlfriend thing evolves.

I drop him home about 11:00 pm, kissing him goodbye in the car. He says that he has a present inside for me, the jumper he owes me for the debt, I’m not sure if he’s asking me inside for sex or what, but I just say to bring it on Friday. I say goodbye, feeling much better about this… Finally an adult conversation.

I chat in the group the next day about my terrible flight but refuse to message him. Seriously, WTF is wrong with me? I am so stubborn, it’s fucking dumb, I know! He falls asleep on me when we’re chatting & then I’m asleep when he wakes up to message so the next morning, it’s easy, I just reply in the morning & keep the conversation going, none of this who will say hello first…. This is why I need the stupid agreement Noodle & I had. However I remember Max telling me he didn’t want me to be an obligation, which is not what I want either, I feel like if I had that agreement with Noddy, I would be an obligation. I tell him that I am watching Game of Thrones, starting from the beginning & I need someone to help me through it. He says we should watch it together, which I agree but then he tells me that he’s downloading it… How confusing, does he want to watch with me or by myself?

I tell him that I’ve been out for dinner & been writing as I have a deadline… Why the fuck do I tell him that? I mean, I have been told to take the blog to the grave, never tell a guy I’m with that I have it… So I just say that I haven’t told him the entire truth about my writing, that I’m shy & don’t want to share it with him, he doesn’t pry which I am thankful for but says that I shouldn’t be shy about it, that he’s sure it’s amazing work.

We chat though out the week & I tell Noddy that I am going to be home early Friday night for Switch, he says that he’ll be at mine by 6:30 pm so he can make it up to me before we go to Switch. I tell Noddy he can pick out my lingerie for Switch. I try out a costume, but I look like shit, so I end up wearing my lingerie body suit with a skirt. I figure when he gets here, we’ll have sex & he can pick out some lingerie & maybe a toy to take with us or that I have to wear all night…

I ask him if it’s ok if I ask my sister to drop us into town which he says it’s ok. I asked my sister because I can explain who he is to her. But my dad ends up doing it… FUCK Noddy is going to meet my dad… But this is good perhaps, my dad is a big bogan, beer gut, missing teeth… Shows a bit of a different side of me, like my house is perfect & styled, I always am dressed nice with hair done, make up on, this will show him that I am not from a prim & proper background… I come from the lower to middle class… I would’ve been rowing with the other slaves if I was on the titanic.

It’s something Noodle never saw & didn’t get about me, he saw the super clean house, the uncluttered living space, he never saw the hoarding that my parents do or the 5 cars for 2 of them on their overgrown front lawn… Guys don’t really understand me fully I think because of the persona I show them. I should be proud that I come from a low social-economic background & that I have made something of myself.

I start to order pizza & wait for Noddy to come over, but he tells me he won’t be there till 7:00 pm, how long does it take to get ready FFS? I get a little pissed off… I mean really… This is fucked… I still haven’t heard from him that he’s left his house, when he messages to say he won’t be here till 7:30 pm… FUCKING HELL, this guy is going to bail? My friend has bailed as she’s sick… I bet he bails… I am angry now, I don’t want to be angry, but nothing annoys me more than people running late or bailing… I order the pizza thinking fuck you, then he says he’s on his way… PHEW.

I am walking around doing shit when I see him running up behind me & I jump like a manic… I must’ve left the front door unlocked & with the music loud, I didn’t hear him come in. He laughs his head off, thinking it’s the funniest thing seeing me jump. We kiss hello & I tell him I ordered the pizza ages ago because I was hungry. He eats & I lay on the ground in front of the heater, he leans down & kisses me, I wish he got here earlier…

He goes out to smoke & I finish getting ready, I’m in the bathroom minding my own business when I turn to walk out & he’s at the door watching me, I jump a mile again & he laughs his head off again, grabbing me & kissing me saying he was there for ages. I have the music loud so I didn’t hear him. We stand there kissing so much so that I say “You should’ve got here earlier” He nods in a way that reminds me of Max & says that he should’ve. I say that my dad is going to be here soon, so we can’t. We break apart & he goes one way, I go the other, then he comes to tell me that my dad just pulled up. I introduce them, they stand outside having a smoke together as I lock up the house & we get in the car to go to Switch.

#IBD4U

So talking to Dom & J-Lo about how Noddy has backed right off, J-Lo tells me to do what is right for me, (what is that?) & Dom just tells me to message him, send him nudes & get him interested. My stubborn mind tells me to not do anything & he can message me, I mean he read my last message & never wrote back, it’s his turn! Hahaha, I’m so childish! But honestly I feel like this dude just isn’t that keen anymore.

However Dom tells me that maybe he’s waiting for me to message & I think that maybe, just maybe my stubbornness has made me lose contact with some guys in the past, because we’re both thinking “I wish they’d message me!” I know I have a problem, so I decide that Dom is right, I’m 37 years old, I don’t have time for games, this is just stupid! I like this guy, I need to know what is going on. So I message him & just say “Hey how was the video shoot yesterday” because he was apparently shooting a music video for his song. He takes a while to write back but says that he just woke up, sends me a picture of him in bed & tells me that he won’t go into details but he had a hectic night. My mind automatically thinks he’s fucked someone else, I guess I can’t be mad, we’re not exclusive, he hasn’t seen me for a week & I’ve fucked someone else – Orbit, plus I’ve had text sex with Dom.

I reply without thinking “Hahaha, when you say you won’t go into details, that’s not a good sign” but he says “Nah, not like that, drugs” I know he smokes weed all the time, but assuming he did other stuff last night. When he says he’s annoyed they didn’t shoot the video but will make him heaps busy next weekend I bite the bullet & say “Was hoping to see you sometime soon, since I go away Tuesday morning for the whole week” he replies & I almost don’t want to read it in case it’s an excuse why he can’t see me over the next 2 days. “Yeah I would of liked to of caught up already… Sorry I’m heaps scattered. I couldn’t make it tonight but hopefully tomorrow night if you are free?” Finally, he’s asking me out I have rope but I explain that I can leave at 9:00 pm so that I’m home by 9:30 pm. However my gut is telling me he’s going to bail. I feel like he gets home from work, wants to smoke cones so makes up some excuse… But he says “Yeah I’d love to see you, it sounds like a plan.” Maybe my gut is wrong; maybe I don’t know what is going on. I did tell him through the week that we need to talk face to face because I don’t want to chat to him about this over text, because clearly I am not as easy going when people bail on me for sex. I get so grumpy! Even Noodle noticed it that if I don’t get sex, I get grumpy, well of course I do, especially when I know they are free & can fuck me!

We talk into the night, he sends me a song he’s been working on, maybe I do have it all wrong? Maybe I’m sending out a vibe of desperado? But it’s not because I want him to be my boyfriend, it’s because I want good sex with a guy I like & knows my body – I am working towards not having to use a condom with someone, then the boyfriend thing maybe. Not random sex with strangers.

He tells me that he’s going to try to sleep & he’ll chat tomorrow. I say goodnight but it’s just that he calls me “hun” not gorgeous or any winky or kissing face. I try not to read into it being that he’s coming down from a big night on drugs.

The next day, I am definitely not going to message him, but I wake up to nothing from him to say good morning, I wait till lunch time, when he’s always online for his lunch break & still nothing. He said “I’ll chat tomorrow” so I am not messaging first again! At least he’s not chatting in the groups too…

Dom tells me to message him but I will wait till later this afternoon. I feel like this is Origin all over again! Why start off so keen, messaging every day, seeing me 3 times a week & then once I finally let my guard down a little, they back off?!

I am also worried because I know he is coming to Switch on Friday & me getting angry again, then ruining my night again. We had already arranged for him to stay at my house, but we all know how that turned out with Max that time… Maybe I’m over thinking it, maybe I should stop thinking about it, I mean this guy wasn’t going to be anything anyway, so why do I care?! But I always start out as I intend to go on, so why don’t guys do the same?

I post something in the group & then Noddy does too, but doesn’t say hello to me privately. I don’t know if it’s because I’m chatting in the group what but what is up with this guy? I don’t know what to do & I don’t want to play a stupid game but fucking hell he doesn’t make sense. I’m an adult, if I want this guy to fuck me, then I need to take matters into my own hands obviously, I message him because I’m an idiot! “Hey, how are you today? Still on for tonight? Thought you might even want to come to rope, do the class?” He takes almost an hour to read it then doesn’t respond straight away… I ask our friend Doddy if he understands what’s going on but he just says you have to get him in a room & chat to him, believe me I am trying!!! Fuck!

Noddy replies saying he should be good for tonight but won’t be home till late so won’t come to rope. No worries. I am sitting at home when I see a message pop up on my phone, all I can see is “Hey Beautiful……… Don’t hate me” I think fucking hell, I knew he was going to bail. I fucking knew it… Ok I have to read it to find out why & I also know I have to respond carefully. “I can’t go anywhere… my transmission is fucked in my car… I literally just went to leave work & I can’t fucking move it… I’m heaps sorry I really wanted to come see you tonight.” FUCKING HELL… I just knew he was going to bail, I just knew it… This guy clearly isn’t in to me! I’m flying out to Port Lincoln tomorrow morning & the next time I will see him will be Switch… If I wait till then I know I won’t have a good time, so I carefully word my response. “Oh no, that really sucks… Can I come see you after rope? We can just go for a drive in my car… I have to be at the airport at 8:00 am, so won’t be late…” He says that’s no problem & will be good to see me. I tell him I don’t mind that he lives north & that he doesn’t always have to come to my house, I can come to his – I mean I don’t really want to go inside or stay at his frat house, but I don’t always expect him to come to my side of town. Then I see him typing for ages… I try not to overthink what the fuck he writing. “TBH I didn’t even think of it. Because my housemates are here all the time & people (buying weed) come & go. Just not what I’d like to show you about my life… I feel it would scare you way too much too quickly….” Hmmm, maybe he is interested in me? He doesn’t want to scare me off… “I gotta admit… I’m kinda embarrassed about how I live ATM…” What does this guy think of me that he seriously think of me? As if I would be judgmental, I mean you just have to read this blog to know that I am never in a place to judge others! I tell him that I am not judgmental & couldn’t careless where he lives, but I need to talk to him face to face before I go away or my head will explode. He says he knows I’m not judgmental but its him being judgmental of himself – remind you of someone?! I’ve been here before with Noodle. But he says “Well yeah I definitely think we need to chat before you go away, haha I hope it doesn’t explode, that would be messy.” I make him send me his address before I walk into rope so that I am not preoccupied with him & if he’s going to bail out of this chat! He sends me his address & I relax – yaye for relaxed rope time…

#IBD4U