Noddy #16

I decide to message Noddy on the Tuesday morning before I go away for work again, because I guess if I was dealing with my friend, I would appreciate a message from him to say that he’s thinking of me but knows I’m going through a hard time. So I bite the bullet & decide to actually message him first – even though we didn’t talk at all yesterday. “Hey Spark Plug, I have been trying to give you space since you’ve got a lot going on but just want to say hey & make sure you’re doing ok & things with your friend are better. I’m here to talk if you need me.” The whole day goes by & Noddy never looks at the message. Because things at work are fucking tense, I’m being micromanaged & my boss yelled at me this morning on the way to work, so much so that I had to tell him I would hang up if he kept going. I then actually cry on my long drive to the country when I keep getting messages from Max & not from Noddy… Maybe I like this guy more than I expected. Fuck… I let my fucking guard down too much! JESUS…

I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t read the message at all… I am not sleeping well because of this nor have I eaten, the ironic thing about that is that this is how I acted when Noodle & I ended… Could my feelings be more than I realise for this guy? If I can’t eat or sleep because he’s not messaging me? Am I falling for him?

I check my snapchat, usually I only look when someone sends me one, then I look at the stories but I’m bored & in a shitty hotel in the sticks over thinking, wondering what the fuck has happened with Noddy, when I see he’s posted something to his story, (Lets be honest, I don’t really understand snapchat! Hahaha.) However, it’s a picture of him in bed, laying down with his shirt off cuddling a chick. I obviously don’t know who the chick is, is it his ex-girlfriend or is it the “friend” he’s helping with the domestic violence situation? My gut drops, my heart starts pounding, I am losing my cool, is this a panic attack? I feel like I am going to vomit. I don’t know what to do. My first instinct is to just delete him & delete him from the group… FUCK you Noddy! I know we’re not exclusive, but fucking hell!!! He obviously wanted me to see this… But I don’t delete him… I decide to write him a message on snapchat. “Wow Noddy, what a way to find out… I thought I deserved better from you…” I am really fucking hurt… More than I thought I would be… I feel like a fucking twat! I had my guard up with this guy, knowing there was red flag after red flag… I finally let my guard down after everything with Noodle & I did it with another douche guy!

Look I know that we are not exclusive, but this guy has been so vocal about how much he likes me, how he doesn’t want to scare me off, I mean when I read back over this blog, he wrote me a fucking song!! He’s talked about our future… He’s been so keen… More than I have… Now look… I’m the idiot sitting here crying over another wanker

Noddy overthink overlove

The next day I get a message from him “Hey, look my snap isn’t what it seems… That’s the girl you know I’m helping… I am sick of sleeping on the couch so yeah it’s my bed & we are good mates… Yeah shit happens… I won’t argue about this… All I’ll say is I’m sorry it looks like that. But yeah… I have a lot to say… But don’t know how to say it. So I think it’s best I clear my head before I chat about it.” I decide not to respond, I want to hear what he has to say without my comments… What could he possibly have to say to me? But sitting there with my heart pounding, my gut churning… Even if I believe that the snap is not what it seems, why send it…? He knows I am friends with him on there & would see it when he hasn’t written back to my message… I think regardless of what he says, he wanted me to see it & wants to piss me off… I’m just not sure why? Maybe because I was upset he bailed & didn’t make another time to see me? He thinks he’s in the right? I don’t know… I do write back despite knowing that I shouldn’t “Well I’d obviously like to hear what you have to say still, but the way I see it… You used me as a rebound… You spouted all the “we” stuff that I hate – I got attached to you after you persisted in breaking down my barriers by telling me how much you want/like me, how amazing I am, even writing me a song! Against my better judgement I let down my guard with you even though there were red flags everywhere… Then you pull away but continue to say you really like me & thought you were falling for me… I actually really liked you Noddy. But yeah, when your head is clear, message me” He reads it but I never hear back. FFS!

The next morning, I wake up to find that a new chick has joined the group & is very familiar with Demon. It’s her – the chick in the snapchat, 1 day on the chat app with her face as her profile pic… WTF? There are also 2 more snapchats of Noddy & the chick hugging looking very cosy… I delete him from my snapchat, this is not healthy for me to keep looking at it, he’s clearly using it to piss me off – I don’t know why… I again can’t eat, or sleep… My heart is constantly beating out my chest… I think I am having a panic attack… This is how it felt when Noodle told me shit about his partner after we ended or I saw something about them from someone else… I really didn’t realise I liked this guy so much, or is it just the disrespectful way he’s going about ending it with me that’s making me feel like this? What a fucking child! I thought he wanted to be friends if this ‘fling’ ever ends… Yeah I remember him saying that…

I’m also watching Demon & the snapchat girl chat in the group like they’ve known each other for years… I see some red flags with this story… Demon also says that she’s watching this chick fuck her new man? Really? Someone just of a DV relationship is already fucking someone else? & it seems like she’s also had him before?! This is fucking weird… What the hell is going on!?

I’m driving to work in the country, when a best friend calls me & is crying, I think something has happened to her 3 week old baby, so I am crying before she can get it out that it’s her mum, she’s just passed away & all I can think is that I want Noodle to hug me. I never cry & it’s twice in a week!! WTF why do I want Noodle… It’s been over 6 months since we last spoke.

Another friend tells me when I’m talking to them about what has happened, that after the first Switch where Noddy disappeared, he apparently did spend the night with Demon, my friend tells me that there’s no proof they fucked, but it was clear Demon stayed at his house… Well now I feel like even more of a fuckwit, I hate feeling foolish… I trusted Demon this whole time… I thought she was on my side. I am hurt even more because I really like her… I thought she was trying to get Noddy to see he should be with me, not trying to fuck him. She also had a partner, who I don’t think she was open with at the time, so I’m not sure about this information. But just another red flag I ignored – I knew in my gut there was something about their friendship… I just knew but I didn’t want to be a jealous idiot, so I pushed it aside, knowing he’s told me how much he likes me!

So… Another thought, I don’t want to be insensitive here or seems like I don’t believe this snapchat chicks story, but firstly when my best friend got out of a domestic violent relationship, she deleted all social media & hid from the world, she went to a shelter & wouldn’t stay with me because she didn’t want him to know where she was… She wasn’t creating a chat app account with her full face as her profile picture or sending shapchats. She went into hiding! Secondly she definitely couldn’t fuck anyone else for months as she was scared to be with anyone… But this chick is fucking someone else’s partner within a few days, while seemingly in a 3sum? I hate to say it, but I am not sure I believe this story! I believe she’s told Noddy she was beaten by her partner, but she’s not really showing the signs of it, in my experience… I am trying not to judge, but there is something off about this story! I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Let’s think about this too… I’ve known Noddy for maybe 6-8 weeks, in that time this is the list of things he’s been though:

  • Broken toe
  • Cold/sniffles
  • Mum’s car accident with broken rib
  • A friend was beaten up by her partner & put in hospital
  • Ex-girlfriend messaging him to get back with him
  • His car accident
  • His car breaking down, twice
  • A friend committed suicide
  • Helped friend with domestic violence situation

I really hate to say it & I hate to be untrusting of him, but can all that be true in the short time that I’ve known him? I get that some people have drama filled lives, I mean you only have to read this blog to know my life is a comedy act but can all that seriously have happened? & his breakup & trying to commit suicide himself, would this many people really be leaning on him at his fragile time? He’s still working on himself! I actually feel for him & want to hug him more! However, I can’t do that if he always bails, when will he let me be there for him?

Also, I knew there were red flags, this guy has them coming out of every orifice…

  • Just got out of a long term relationship – 4 weeks before we met
  • Doesn’t want to be in a relationship
  • Tried to kill himself – 3 weeks before we met
  • Smokes weed, every night plus who knows what other drugs he taken since knowing me
  • 10 years younger than me (not that big of a deal now but could be!)

I knew there was a lot with this guy that I wasn’t sure of, I never thought with everything he’d been though that he’d be so disrespectful to me. I at least thought I deserved better from him… I told him in the beginning, that I didn’t want to be his rebound, he reassured me that I wouldn’t ever be that… He also said he wanted to be friends if we ended, that hurt me when he said it but now… Could I be friends with him after he’s been disrespectful?

What bothers me is that he’ll probably keep coming to Switch & bring this new chick even though he’d planned on coming to stay at mine, it is also the long weekend I’m going away with other friends that I was going to invite him too… I also have tickets to a DJ thing in July that I was planning to invite him too… I am fucking stupid for thinking about the future with him, I was even thinking that when I go to Melbourne in September with Ripples, he could come… I was planning way too much! Originally all I wanted was a guy I could fuck without a condom when I have this STI check & pap smear in a week, but he made me want more with his smooth talking & FUCK me, I fell for it like an actual factual wanker!

#IBD4U

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