Silverlining #3

So I am 99% certain who Silverlining is now… He hasn’t stopped talking to me, he’s kept the conversation going, does he know it’s me? But having said that, I really doubt that Noodle would keep talking to me if he knew who I was!? Or is he a kid in a candy store too, wanting more… Wanting to know how I am, what has happened in my life since we spoke a year ago? Should I say something? I want too. It’s seriously killing me & I keep rehearsing things I could say to him, just drop his name in there somewhere perhaps. But do you know what?! I am petrified that if I tell him that I know it’s him that he’ll ghost me. That will hurt like hell. I also hate to admit this but you already know without me having to say it, but I will say it, I am still in love with him. FUCK. That hurts to even write, even after all this time… I am certain some of you hate him, some of you hate me for my part in the story. I should hate him too but there was something about the relationship with him that will never go away, I think I will always love that man. The variants of that love have & will change obviously over the years, but I am still in love with him. I have thought about him every day & now chatting to him (maybe) every day, I just don’t give a fuck about Motocross anymore at all, which you’re all thinking I needed to do about 20 dates ago! Hahaha. I know that Silverlining or whoever he is like playing with fire… This is a very dangerous game! Do I want to play?! Do I want to find out that this guy is Noodle & he ghost me? Do I want to find out that this is Noodle & he’s in an open relationship again or something else heartbreaking about their relationship?! or worst of all, do I want to find out this is Noodle & he is still in love with me too? FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!

I know how hard it was to get over him the first time because I am still not over him, not even a little bit… So is this just playing with fire? Am I going to get burned? Well, do you know what, this is a risk I need & am willing to take. I told you in the blog Leader Of the Broken Heart about my biggest regret, maybe this is a chance for me to rectify that. The biggest question I need to answer is if I am willing to put myself though this again? You know what, it wasn’t ever done for me when I ignored his email, but we both needed to take a break, I knew that it wasn’t the end but I knew that we needed to stop when we did… He made his decision, regardless of what he really wanted, he made it & we needed to stop. I knew he would come back into my life, which is also why I am so sure that this is Noodle.

I always said that we would be pulled back together somehow, sometime. I just didn’t think it would be on an anonymous app that I’ve barely used in a year, avoiding chatting to men as I always think it’s Noodle, yet now I am certain of it, I can’t stop writing to him… & he can’t stop writing to me, this is the longest conversation with someone on the app in a very long time! The universe has put us in similar places before, this is no different, there is some pull with us. I mean I still don’t think this is our time either, I don’t feel like it is but maybe just maybe, I can say some things that have haunted me for the past year?!

I have to get some things off my chest, things he needs to hear from me. Things I need to say to him & it’ll either smoke him out & he’ll tell me it’s him or he’ll pretend it’s not him. But this stranger thing is perfect, a perfect opportunity – pretending we’re other people. & if it’s not Noodle, then I will get it off my chest & move on, if it is Noodle, then I can still get those things off my chest but unless he wants to reveal himself, he can’t say anything to me. I am prepared for this, I am prepared for the hurt this may cause me. But I need to, I want to see this through! If not for me, for my readers! Hahaha – Sorry I shouldn’t joke. This is going to be painful but I have to do it.

SIlverlining learn to wait

The morning after the Royal Show, I wake up to find a message, several messages from Silverlining telling me that he has indeed trolled online for the sake of interaction & friendship, that he has given woman a false sense of the idea that they can sleep with him when he actually won’t. Then he says he’s going to do a guessing game with me & says “I’m guessing your a single woman in your 30s on the anonymous app who comes home to an empty house , and a empty bed your a hopeless romantic and struggle with dating , you accept what you can get and try and make it work & when it doesn’t you blame yourself. So you use the app and the online chat to fill that void in your life” Well fuck you if this is Noodle!

This group of messages makes me think that he also knows it’s me… He knows that would hurt me, the worst things I think about myself he’s now telling me…. He’s a fucking prick, still! After all this time… I can tell its him by the way he types, with the spelling your instead of you’re. The way his comma’s are a space away from the word, the times of day that he’s online – though there are a few odd timed messages, I’m assuming to throw me off the scent, just everything about the way he types screams Noodle. The banter & the conversation has never flowed like this with anyone else but him, ever! I am more certain than ever that this is Noodle.

I am a grumpy bitch in the morning & also I have just seen my ex boyfriend with his partner at the fucking show, so when I wake up I am in a fucking bad mood, this message pisses me off! What a wanker, I decide to hit back where it hurts “Well you sound like an asshole. You’re in a unhappy relationship & by the sounds of it, you don’t have a lot of friends either so of course you’re trolling online for what you’re missing at home. I don’t need to ask questions to pick up on that.” I tell him that if he was single, he wouldn’t be trolling online for friends, no man has ever wanted to just be friends who was using this app or any other app for that matter. But I tell him that he is right about me besides I don’t believe in happy endings or fairy tales. This blog has proved that!

His reply doesn’t surprise me “I’m not sure I like our guessing games” That confirms it… It has to be Noodle & I’m addicted again & waiting for his replies. Fuck I hate not knowing, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want it to stop, but I also don’t want to know it’s not Noodle… FUCK. He says “Sorry for being assholish honest with you” I know that he feels bad but I have him pegged like you wouldn’t believe! I tell him that I think that we only get one great love in our lives & that I’ve had it. That I won’t settle for just any loser I also know that I won’t have the type of love ever again in my life. He say that he does “legit” feels bad for saying that but he never claimed to be a good person. He says that I have lowered my standards, which I don’t think I have, I tell him that I haven’t lowered my standards of finding that epic love, one that changes who you are, one that you feel with every breath – I don’t think we have that twice. Now I have only loved one person, so i can’t even ever imagine loving someone the way I loved him. So correct me if you don’t agree, but I don’t think we ever have the same love with another person as we had.

He’s still pinning his hopes on Motocross though, saying he could be my next epic love story, but from other things Silverlining has said, Motocross is not interested in me. Silverlining then asks why I am not with this Epic Love (As I start calling him), I say that we had a lot of issues “To cut a long story short, if I had’ve been more open, things would probably be different. Yes I blame myself.” I tell him that I feel like I do it with every guy, I get scared of getting hurt so I shut down, self-sabotage “I am a loser. I don’t need a random guy on the anonymous app to psychoanalyse me to figure that out” I beat him too it, I don’t want him telling me I shouldn’t blame myself, I do – I mean not entirely but obviously I played a part… I mean I should’ve said so many things to Noodle, look it may not have changed the outcome, I will never know that, but then I wouldn’t think what if, what if, what it, so if I ever get another chance with him, I will tell him every day that I love him.

#IBD4U

Motocross #21

Apologies for not posting this at 8:00am like I should’ve, I forgot I hadn’t finalised it & got home late (Not from a date! Hahaha) & just couldn’t make myself do it… So here it is, a little later in the day than usual, but also a little longer than usual too but better late than not at all!

Reading though the Silverlining texts to write that part of the story, I’ve realised that there are a bunch of things that I have forgotten to tell you about Motocross… I don’t think they really matter at this point as it’s not pivotal but it’s still as he says #Interesting. Most of you are all hoping it works out, but some of you are wanting me to get rid of him – you’ll have to keep reading to find out what happens I guess… But while I didn’t write about our conversations face to face (mainly because I don’t remember everything we’ve said) it doesn’t mean we didn’t talk or go deeper – I don’t write every single detail, of course. I realise now that I made a couple of jokes about Motocross’ spelling & that’s about the time that he stopped texting me as much, maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to text me, but I’d made a joke (& while I have spelling & grammar mistakes in my blog – generally from typing too fast not because I don’t know how to use it or spell & then my eyes skim over it when I re read it to edit it) I know he knows that I’m probably book smarter than him. Maybe that intimidated him & why he backed off from texting?!

Also he talked about how he owns the place in California – the house he lives in that apparently has a motorbike on his mantel piece – he’s very sentimental, he says he’s kept every helmet he’s ever used & they have a new one for each race. He also says that he also owns a holiday place in Florida where a bunch of other bike riders own too & they all have jet skis, he has a boat & of course he has a bunch of dirt bikes there plus more memorabilia. Again with the flaunting money & assets, I mean I tell him I have kayaks – which probably cost me under $500 for the two of them & all the accessories as they’re second hand! It makes me uncomfortable & almost inadequate. I know that women usually earn less than men & are happy with that, but I have never been with someone who seemingly is this fucking rich! I don’t even own my own car as I have a work car.

Motocross supicious

Also this is an epic tidbit that I forgot this because I mean – WHAT THE FUCK – but Motocross is in Brisbane one weekend & wanted to be back here for a race in Murray Bridge on the Sunday afternoon, he was in Brisbane doing the demons & it finished late in the night so he chartered a flight, yes you read that right, he chartered a flight. His dad’s friend apparently has a plane & was willing to bring them back here on Saturday evening after curfew (we have an 11:00 pm curfew for commercial jets in Adelaide) so he could race on Sunday. Okay so I know what you’re thinking, because I am thinking who the fuck has the money to charter a jet, I google how much it costs, approx. $20k. He made that over a weekend once, winning the race, so what’s a cool $20k to someone like him? Chump change! Well this is certainly not my reality, I scrape by sometimes, living pay cheque to pay cheque to set myself up for the future. I can’t really believe he’s chartered a jet, but like I said before, I’ve never dated a guy who could afford something like that… & if he’s lying about it, why?! I don’t care if he charters a jet. I mean it doesn’t impress me at all, it makes me uncomfortable… I barely had the $50 for bowling the other night, had to put it on a credit card, let alone chartering a private jet!

Does this make him a cheapskate because he hasn’t paid for as much as I have? Do we believe him that he even did this? If we don’t believe him, why would he lie about it? I’ve already fucked him & been seeing him for a couple of months, not trying to impress me to get me into bed?! If we do believe him & obviously didn’t try to pay for bowling, do you think it’s because he wants to make sure I’m not a gold digger?! Maybe previous girlfriends have been after him for his money?! But then why talk about money at all… I never talk about it if I can help it. URGH, overthinkers anonymous here I come!

So back to the story line, Motocross left our interaction or relationship whatever this is, pretty damaged from that bowling date, that I am not contacting him. He says he’ll text, so he either will or I am done with this shit. I can’t even be bothered anymore. But much to my surprise, Motocross does message me on Friday just before lunchtime says “Hey how’s your day going?” FUCK. Why does that make me smile like a loser?! Grrrr… I say a couple of hours later that I’ve been busy, the day is shit & ask how the show is – knowing he is there riding today… He takes another couple of hours to write back & says that he is busy too, the show is busy etc. I tell him that I am at work drinks then going a book launch (which was Writer) & he says to enjoy the night. I end up messaging later after the book launch, around 9:30 pm, saying have a safe flight etc. I don’t get a reply.

So we all know the Royal Adelaide Show sighting that has left me reeling, but I am also feeling like a douche because my little seven year old nephew is somehow now obsessed with the stunt bike riders, he tells me in the car on the way to the show that we are going to watch both bike shows. They have two shows per day, which Motocross is in during the week, apparently but he’s away on the weekends doing Crusty Demons, so he’s not at this show today as it’s Saturday. My nephew makes us watch both bike shows & the cars, saying how much he loves this scooter rider as well, Willy something. We watch the shows, I cringe the whole time hoping they don’t fall off & tell my sister about Motocross, my nephew asks & I say that one of my friends is usually riding in the show & I don’t tell him but I actually wish that Motocross was here as I would get him to come to talk to my nephew, he would be so excited! Later on my nephew uses my YouTube account to watch motocross racing, this Willy scooter boy & other stunt riders. Now every fucking suggestion on my YouTube is motorbike crashes or stunt riders. How embarrassing will that be if Motocross sees it one day?! FUCK. Hahaha.

On Monday after radio silence from Motocross all weekend, I am of course chatting to Silverlining & he is showing more interest in me than the guy I’ve been seeing for months, I am driving to Port Augusta for work for a few days, I am glad to be away TBH. My mum & dad are also working at the show so they’ve sourced me a free ticket, I am back Wednesday from this trip & thought maybe Wednesday night I would go to the show & meet up with Motocross. I am going to make this happen so I take matters into my own hands. I message & ask how his weekend was etc, usual text, he replies “Hey was just thinking bout you.” Awww, why the fuck does that make me smile like a wanker? He also says he is enjoying the show etc & replies to part of my message from Friday saying he’s glad I’m responsible. I tell him about my nephew being obsessed with the bike show plus the scooter dude & say I wish he was there to meet him & he says that he’s sorry he wasn’t. I tell him that I have a free ticket so I was thinking of coming to see him Wednesday night when I’m back in Adelaide. I tell him to let me know if he has time off between the shows & if I should come because otherwise I’ll give the ticket away if I won’t use it he says “I’d like to say yeah but will I’d have to see tho plus it’s meant to be raining and then we don’t ride so kinda hard to say sorry” I ask though if he’ll be there even if it’s raining, because we could hang out regardless, surely they don’t just go home when it starts raining?! They’d have to be there no matter what right? He says that he probably won’t be there & so I say “Geez you’re making it hard… Don’t have to see you at the show, just thought since I had a spare ticket…” He says “I’m sorry I promise I’ll let you know tomorrow then yeah” I am suspicious not for the first time with this guy but this is the most suspicious I’ve been… Of course I don’t hear from him at all Tuesday as promised & I just don’t even give a fuck anymore… Whatever, this is fucking weird, I don’t know what his deal is. I have Silverlining swooping in & chatting to me, actually showing interest in me – why do I need to bother with Motocross who clearly isn’t into me at all & lying his ass off!

At breakfast at the hotel on Wednesday before I head home, I am speaking to Silverlining of course & annoyed about the whole Motocross thing that I just text dad & let him know he can give the ticket away – I’m obviously not going to the show to see him. But then as I hit send, Motocross messages at 8:20 am to ask if I am going to the show, well what a fuckwit, I was only going to see him, I’ve been with my sister & kids, I am not planning on going for any other reason, which is what I basically say at almost 11:00 am. He replies almost right away saying that it’ll probably be cancelled tonight. I tell him when I get back to Adelaide that I am home & if he’s not at the show then he could come over being he’ll be free… He says yes that if it’s cancelled, he’ll come see me for sure – I don’t write back, what is with this guy?! I decide to go to the gym as usual, during the weights class I see on my watch his cute little face & a message “Hey you home” I am obviously not home & can’t reply, just before the class finishes about 30 minutes later, he calls me which I can’t answer either but it makes me smile like a tool at the fact he’s messaged & called me to try to see me tonight, my mum also calls me around the same time & I can’t answer either call.

After the gym at 8:00 pm, I call Motocross back & say I am on my way home to give me a few minutes but come over at 8:30 pm. I then call mum back too, she asks if I am at the show as she wants to see me, I say no but she asks what my bike riding friends name is, I laugh & say I am not telling her because I don’t want her to talk to him & then I say “It doesn’t matter anyway as he’s not there because they cancelled the show” There’s a weird silence, I ask if she’s still on the phone with me & she says “Um, I’m watching them ride now #IBD4U” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I hate when your parent uses your name that way too, you can just imagine a mum saying to you, she doesn’t want to break my heart but knows I need to know, they say your name quietly. I try to dismiss it, saying that’s weird he said it was cancelled & I act all nonchalant & say that it doesn’t matter anyway as he’s on his way to my house, so I’ll ask about it when he gets there.

By the time Motocross gets to my house, I feel like my head is going to explode with questions. I don’t want to blurt them all out, I need some time to process this before I snap & come across accusatory. I turn on YouTube & he notices that my fucking suggestions are all about motorbikes, that I have to explain that my nephews were watching on the weekend. I try not to over explain so I don’t look like I’m lying, I’ve told him about my nephew liking the Willy scooter guy & Motocross tells me that he knows this kid as they used to do Nitro Circus together & he’s messaged him to ask him to sign something for my Nephew! OMG… That is so fucking sweet, I tell my sister but we don’t say anything to my nephew obviously because I don’t know if either guy will come through with the goods so I just tell Motocross that it’s heaps sweet of him to do & he says that the Willy kid owes him a favour so it’s ok.

It’s almost like Motocross or the universe knows I want to talk but needed time to process my thoughts about this whole show thing, I mean I was only going to see him & he acted all weird about it, he also said it was cancelled but my mum was at the actual show watching the bike riders… Or is it that I am getting closer to finding out that everything Motocross has told me is a load of fucking bullshit? It’s not even 10:00 pm & Motocross looks at his watch & says that his dad has been calling & just messaged & said to come home. He doesn’t bring his phone with him so he only has the message on his watch. He says that he doesn’t know what this is about & will go home to find out but will come back. Couple of things here – why didn’t he just call his dad to ask what is wrong rather than leaving. Also ages ago his phone was broken due to being in water yet he doesn’t have his phone here now & is sending & receiving text messages but couldn’t message me that weekend?! FUCK.

Motocross literally runs out the door so fast, no hug or even a proper goodbye but he says that he will come back shortly. I say no worries but as soon as he leaves, I get into my pjs & get into bed, he is 100% not coming back! I feel it in my gut. I just know it… I feel like an idiot…

#IBD4U

Silverlining #2

The more I talk to Silverlining, the less I care about Motocross, which is dumb. Who the fuck is Silverlining anyway? If Silverlining is Noodle, do I want to go there again? If it’s not Noodle then I actually am getting along with him better than I have gotten along with Motocross in 6-7 weeks of dating him & maybe I should be dating Silverling!

I don’t know what has me addicted to chatting to Silverlining, is it the thrill that it might be Noodle? Or is it just that I know I am not 100% happy with what I’ve got so I’m trolling online for something else…?! Am I just like every guy that I’ve chatted too or dated? I’ve told you before I don’t believe monogamy can work, I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person, but at any sign that it’s not working out, do I self-sabotage?!

I ask if I can share what I scares me with Motocross without judgement, he of course says yeah “He’s a big kid. His job – he gets novelty cheques & tried to use them as a joke in a shop (I think that’s fucking hilarious), his toys like boats, jetskis, bikes etc… I really like this his personality, jokey & hilarious but I am worried that it will get old – like really quickly. Like annoying… I’m yet to see a serious side” I haven’t told you that about Motocross, I literally was laughing my head off when he said he got a giant cheque & it didn’t fit in his suit case, he likes to keep them for mementos so he brought it home & tried to use it at the airport to pay for something. That shit is funny, but if he did it every trip, you’d totally get annoyed.

Silverlining keeps telling me I am off the market, I deny it… I mean I am not off the market! Lets face it… But he thinks we’re exclusive & not using condoms so I am off the market – I say just because I’ve decided not to fuck others, doesn’t mean I’m off the market, I mean Motocross is being weird. I get that he has some sort of issue, he’s told me he’s been destroyed by women before.

I tell him about my rule & that I don’t message first, Silverlining says that everyone has that rule (even Noodle did) I tell him that I’m trying to change as I figure that’s why maybe I’ve lost contact with some guys in the past & he says “The guys were never really into you haha and that’s why you lost them” It’s like a kick in the guts. I am almost 100% sure that this is Noodle, I have always doubted Noodle’s feelings for me after how he ended it & what he did, coming to my house like a thief in the night, with his mentally unstable partner in the car, to get his stuff back & leaving his key, then emailing me for months afterwards. I also question how much he loved me, I don’t think I will ever get over that, did he actually love me?!

When we’re talking about Motocross never giving me head or fingering me, Silverlining just says that not all men like it & if he hasn’t done it, he probably won’t unless I ask. I am not that bothered about him giving me head – most men aren’t that good at it anyway. I tell Silverlining how amazing my ex made me at it & say “It’s easy, go really deep a few times to get a lot of spit then use your hand for the shaft twisting as you rub up & down, then suck the top & use your tongue. Then every now & then lick from the balls to the tip & repeat” I know that if this is Noodle, he will tell me he’s hard or he’ll say “Shhh you” his reply says “Thanks for turning me on” I just say that I was giving him a tip & he says that I gave him a tip in his pants.

Silverlining tells me I am whipped & wrapped around Motocross little finger, perhaps I am or perhaps I am just willing to put in some effort with a man, ironically with a man who’s not interested in me. The next day after seeing Motocross but not having sex with him, I tell Silverlining that we didn’t have sex, when he says “I’m surprised you didn’t rape him last night” I obviously DON’T condone rape at all however, it was always a term that Noodle & I used with each other – that obviously isn’t used often with randoms for being taken literal, but it just makes me think that this is Noodle even more!

Silverlining tells me not to doubt myself, stop thinking so low of myself & start trusting again. I have told him of British & Noddy so far, so he knows that I am struggling even more to trust men after those two recent experiences. I say “Thanks for that, so helpful” & Silverlinng replies “Look, I’ve chatted to you for a few days but I can tell your not a normal woman , you come across incredibly sexy and smart and your probably so much better than you think you are. So don’t be so harsh on yourself. And if everything is showing you he is genuine then trust your gut. That will usually tell you when something is wrong. And I’m sure your beautiful too.” I tell him that I am the best I have looked but a noob at love. He says that I need to be confident & that I have probably been fine at love.

He asks how many times I have “legit fucked it up” with a man, I mean Noodle always said legit… I just say that I am the common denominator, I haven’t really done anything specific to fuck up any relationship I have been in, like I don’t think I have pushed any men away as such, I may have done the wrong thing sometimes, but I haven’t actually done something to fuck it up. He says he knows that’s what the answer was going to be but he wanted me to say it, he says that it’s not my fault & I shouldn’t blame myself. He tells me I have the sex part down, I just need to work on the feelings part, that most women have issues with the sex part but get feelings really easily… I don’t think that’s true, but maybe it is. I know I don’t get real feelings easily & I have talked to a lot of married men who’s wives clearly don’t give them sex, so maybe it’s a wife thing or maybe I do have the sex thing sorted?! He says that some women just lay there or are prudes, I just need to focus on the affection. I mean I agree, I am good at sex, but shit at the intimacy part… He tells me to show affection & talk about my feelings with Motocross – is he serious?! I can’t do that…As much as I want too, I really am not a feelings talking type of girl. He suggests that I offer a massage, I literally burst out laughing with that suggestion, I so couldn’t do that… I mean I don’t think I’ve ever massaged anyone, well maybe Crows when he made me for 5 minutes with a timer! Silverlining tells me to be affectionate & cheeky at bowling, which is why I wear lingerie to put me in that mindset & I do expect the night to be cheeky, but Motocross’ head isn’t in it as you know & it makes me awkward.

I ask Silverlining if he’s single, since he seems to be offering so much advice about relationships, instead of just saying yes or no & ending the conversation there, he refuses to answer, avoiding the question making a bigger deal about it than it ever needed to be. Considering this is an anonymous app, he could totally lie & I’d be none the wiser but avoiding the question made me realise that my suspicions are probably correct, that I am chatting to Noodle & he knows or suspects that it’s me. FUCK! So when he refuses to answer, I say that he’s in a relationship but not entirely happy, he refuses to acknowledge it again, again! OMG. It’s fucking him… I need to stop this. He is still on this stupid app… FUCK…

Silverlining best thing i ever felt

I tell a couple of people that I think I am chatting to Noodle, fuck the universe! It’s really hard to admit it to be really frank with you, I mean I know this is not a good idea, but there is so much I need to know, so much I want to say to him… My sister tells me to stop – immediately, my friends tell me to stop. But I am a moth to a flame… I am a kid in a candy store – I just want more…

Silverlining thinks that Motocross is just after companionship & that he himself has trolled online in the past for a companion. I don’t agree that Motocross is looking at me as just a companion. I don’t think men troll online dating for just a companion. Yes I agree that’s what everyone wants out of life, is a companion, I don’t disagree with him on that, however I don’t think that single men on a dating app are just looking for a friend & I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for, however, I may have been friend zoned, I’m not 100% sure on that yet… Stay tuned to find out, I guess. Silverlining thinks that he’s not that into me. I mean if I listen to the book, then yeah I agree, but I don’t think a guy would see you 3-4 times a week if they aren’t into you… Fuck I have no idea what Motocross wants, I really don’t. I’m so confused.

So chatting to Silverlining in bed in the morning, my sister messages me & asks me to go to the Royal Adelaide show with her because her husband hurt his back. Silverlining is replying quickly to every message then stops. Pretty much the same pattern Noodle had around 10:00am on a Saturday when she gets up… As I am getting ready for the show, something inside me says that I will see Noodle at the show – a feeling I can’t shake… Why do I feel like I will see him today? It’s been a year since we spoke (If this isn’t Noodle). I spend a while getting ready to go, with makeup that I wouldn’t usually wear during the day or to the royal show FFS. I don’t have time to do my hair after the gym so I throw it in a top knot & put on a cute headband. We get to the show – I tell my sister on the way that I have this feeling about seeing him, she tells me not to worry & enjoy the day with the kids. I try to relax, but we are there about 6 fucking minutes when Noodle walks casually past me. FUCK! It’s like slow motion in a movie, he’s slim & tall, he now has a tattoo on his arm – just like Doppleganger, that’s new!? – walking pushing a pram with his partner trailing behind him, who I think is staring at me first. I look at his partner & she sees me, like she notices who I am, but he doesn’t seem to notice me or look in my direction at all, however he’s wearing glasses & I can’t see his eyes. I knew they would still be together, I mean he hasn’t contacted me, so I assume that it wasn’t over, but seeing them together really hurts me. FUCK it hurts! I point him out to my sister & I literally go into a meltdown mode. I am shaking, my tummy churns. I can’t eat the rest of the day, I am on edge looking out for them for the rest of the day. Motherfucker!

I mean I knew deep down they were still together, because I’m 100% certain he would’ve messaged me had they broken up but seeing him with her, for the very first time ever in the 2.5 years since it all began with him, literally killed me. I never thought I would be faced with seeing them together, I’ve not even really seen pictures of them together. I am now looking around without even enjoying the show with the kids. FUCK.

Later in the day, standing outside a hall, Noodle is standing there tall & fucking slim as ever, doing something with his partner. I want him to see me but I can’t let him see me either. We have to walk past him to do what we are doing, so I grab my nephews hand & stand up straight (sucking in my gut which is smaller than it was when we were together) then walk past him without looking at him – I am the bigger person here, I am not going to let him rattle me. My sister says he looked at her but not at me. I don’t see him again, which is good however all day I am on the lookout for him. I never relax. I also can’t eat, I feel sick. I have come so far & this is a major setback! What the fuck…

I hate that I am not enjoying the day now, constantly on the lookout because when I stopped thinking about him, he appeared. I wonder if they both saw me? I wonder if she knew who I was? I’m pretty sure her look lingered.

At about 7:00 pm I feel relieved, like I can feel that Noodle has gone home that I check the anonymous app & there is a message from Silverlining waiting for me – I’m 100% certain this is Noodle now – does he know it’s me?! I can relax now. Noodle has gone home! Thank god, I don’t need to be on edge anymore. Fuck why is my life such a joke!! I finally have a nice, cute, single funny man, albeit who doesn’t seem 100% interested in me anymore & has some weird flags waving but I like him & then Noodle reappears?! You can’t make this stuff up, my life it just someone having a laugh, am I in the sims game? You know where you’re in charge of if they go to work etc? Someone is playing & having a good fucking time playing!

#IBD4U

Motocross #20

Just FYI – if you skipped over Sundays Silverlining blog post because you wanted a Motocross post, then I suggest you go back & read it before you read this one, it is important to the #IBD4U story! Trust me, you probably need to read it before you read anything else!

One thing I also forgot to tell you, is that Motocross told me about a house he was looking at buying, I can’t help but think this is a good sign, I ask if he’s looking at moving back here & he says that’s always the plan. I can’t help but think if this goes well, we can do long distance or something for a while, or I could live in America – would be good to get away from Adelaide for a while. He tells me that the house he’s found has a pool & is in a small town in the Adelaide hills. We sort of don’t linger on the topic but the next day I look it up on the internet – like a fuckwit, there is only one house with a pool in that town on the real estate website & it’s a fucking god damn mansion! I am literally floored at the fucking house… It’s got a horse stable, a vineyard, an infinity pool, the whole house is remodelled, it’s absolutely stunning, a fucking dream house! I show a couple of people at work, including my boss – who starts planning the house warming party (He’s worse than me! Not that I’m denying planning where my amazing furniture would go in this house! Hahaha…) WTF as if a guy I am dating could afford this?! This type of house is not in my reality at all… I mean most of my friends have houses, nice houses but not dream houses! I have no idea what the price is because it’s only open by appointment & the price isn’t listed. FUCK. It kind of makes me uncomfortable at how much debt I have & how much money he has. I mean I am lucky & in a good position in my life, I have a house & an investment property however I’m in a fuck ton of debt! But this actually kicks my butt to get my finances sorted – while I still have mortgages, I work really hard while dating Motocross to pay off my afterpay & credit card so I have some savings. I mean I am going to Queensland in a few weeks too! I plan to do a lot of shopping!

Motocross also tells me that is car that he drives is worth about $75k. It’s a older Holden Commodore ute thing. Now I know cars a little so I know it’s a nice car, but fuck if that car is worth $75k, then I’m a monkeys uncle! He also tells me that he has a BMW van, which he does drive to my house one night, I don’t ever really see it but I notice his car key when he puts it down. As he generally only brings one key in & doesn’t bring his phone or wallet.

This is also about the time I write the What the fuck is there to do in Adelaide? blog (Do you remember that one!? It was about Motocross – if you haven’t already joined those dots. Hahaha.) I didn’t want to keep just hanging around my house, especially since we aren’t having a lot of sex anymore, that I write that post asking you what we can do & I start planning some fun dates. Unfortunately he’s always away on the weekends so we have to do after work things – which limits things but it’s still better than watching YouTube & listening to music 3-4 times a week.

I don’t hear from Motocross Wednesday or Thursday so I message when I get home on Thursday night after work & ask if he wants to do dinner before bowling, he says yeah that he’s just leaving the city now. After chatting to Silverlining about this date, I decide to put on my favourite lingerie, not that Motocross will probably notice, but I put it on anyway to make me feel better. I am going to make a move tonight! Yes, I can do it!

Motocross gets to my house about 6:30 pm, I’ve booked online the bowling alley but my friend at work told me he needs to absolutely pay for bowling. That he owes me, I’ve paid for everything & he keeps boasting about his money that he needs to pay. I don’t have a lot of money as it’s the end of the fortnight & I really want steak so I take him to a new steak house near my house but there is a fucking quiz night on! I literally laugh my head off at the fact we’re trying to go somewhere with a fucking quiz night again, it’s freezing outside & I suggest we sit outside or try the fancy burger joint up the road. He doesn’t have a jacket (& is shivering) but we walk up the road to the burger place & as we order, he stands back so I pay for me own & then he steps up & pays for his… I am all for paying my own way, you know I’m an independent woman with a mortgage & an investment property, I do not need a man to pay for anything for me – ever. However this man has bragged about a $90k car he’s just bought his brother, he’s talked about a mansion he’s potentially buying, he’s told me that he wins $20k per weekend at the races, so surely this guy can fork out the $20 for my dinner?! That’s ok, I’ll somehow get him to pay for the 2 games of bowling which is almost $50. Yes he can pay for the bowling!

We eat awkwardly at a stool, there are no tables & it’s messy so I try so hard not to look like a slob with burger all over my face. We eat then I drive us to the bowling alley, there is about 5 people in there, I was expecting it to be more packed but it’s not. I stand at the counter checking in while Motocross stands back & I pull out my card to pay for the bowling, which I can’t really afford, because he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket again. I have to put it on my credit card. It puts a dampener over the evening for me, I was expecting a cheeky night where we sit next to each other between bowls & chat or kiss… But he sits at the other end of the bench that I sit at & I think he couldn’t possibly get any further away from me if he tried.

I bowl first & get a strike, acting all coy about being reasonable at this game. Between shots we don’t touch or act cheeky like I have went bowling before – remember Fireman?! When I went bowling with him we sat close, we touched, we were cheeky – it was like a proper date. However it was darker at that bowling alley, it’s bright as fuck in here, with every fluro overhead light that is possible being on. It’s not really date sort of lighting, lets put it that way. Motocross asks me if I want a drink, I say yes & he comes back with a giant cup of soda that I assume he’s only going to buy me one beer! Between shots, he starts playing with his phone a lot, standing behind the partition that holds all the bowling balls, so much so that it makes me suspicious & I ask him what he’s doing, he stays he’s getting messages about this weekend’s show & riding at the Royal show which is starting tomorrow. Stuff he has to sort out. He apologises but my mood has taken a further nose dive. I shut down & barely speak, thinking this guy is just not into me. Silverlining is right, I mean I am invested with this guy & he clearly isn’t into me at all!

I feel like a fucking idiot, I am wearing lingerie, I am really interested in this man & he couldn’t give a fuck about me… Why do I feel so stupid… Yet another man has used me for whatever purpose…

Motocross do i want you

When we drive home, he plays with his phone in the car, I am in more of a mood, I mean he made me drive, he didn’t put his hand in his pocket for anything yet constantly talks about money, I’ve never been with a guy who talks as much about how much things cost as Motocross does. I don’t even think I’ve told him I own my house – actually I think I did tell him I own my house but don’t think he knows about my investment. I did so an experiment once to tell men that I rented, that I didn’t have a mortgage because apparently I am too independent. However it makes no difference. What is this with Motocross? Are we friends?! Can we even be considered friends at this point?

He comes in, which actually surprises me tonight. I get even grumpier because I get the feeling we’re not going to have sex as well. I am certainly not making a move on him tonight & I think he can pick up on my vibe. I want him to go. But I mean the only thing that will turn this around now, is if we have sex.

We sit around talking for an hour or so listening to youtube music videos. He has at least put his phone away & is paying attention to me. We’re talking about how he’s riding at the Royal show all week & then the weekend he’s away for crusty demons then he’s back riding at the show. I yawn a lot & try to give signals that I want him to leave – this is a new development for me, I have never wanted a man to leave. I mean I want him to stay because he wants to stay, but as soon as he says he should go, I just up, ready to say goodbye. Normally I take a while to get off the couch or he has to pull me up to hug me, tonight, I am ready to for him to leave. I feel deflated & stupid. I have worn my favourite lingerie to make myself feel better & to see if his eyes pop when he sees me in it – just like Noodle would, but he’s been more interested in his phone that I think I am just his friend.

He hugs me goodbye, even longer than usual, I try to pull away quicker but he hangs on, like he knows I am not happy but doesn’t know what to say… He doesn’t sent a date to see me again, he says he’ll text tomorrow, I say sure. I think he can sense the tone of the evening & knows I am really pissed. I mean it’s 11:00 pm & he’s leaving, without sex, without a kiss, without another prospect of a date… I am shutting down & I don’t even care if he can tell or not to be honest. I am not contacting this guy again, if he’s keen, he’ll be true to his word & message tomorrow, if he’s not, then I’m ok with that.

Or am I just putting on a brave front because I think this man is not into me & pulling away?

#IBD4U

Silverlining

It’s almost a year since I ignored Noodle’s last email to me. (at time of writing, not time of posting this blog – I’m always behind remember!) In blog time we’re at the very end of August 2019 for those keeping track of the timeline here, I ignored his email in September 2018.

It’s killed me almost every day not to write back – not to try to contact him but I have done it – somehow. I still think about him a lot, except when I am seeing someone, I still thik about him daily, but not as much as I do when I’m not dating… The whole Noddy debacle helped me get over thinking about Noodle as much, I’ve seen that there are still shit men out there, which makes it hard, but at this time in my life, I was actually posting the love stuff about Noodle on my blog for you so it was really hard to write & keep the blog going. But it can be so cathartic writing about him, it is hard when I am seeing someone to write too – mainly because I don’t want to remember what epic love I had with Noodle. It was epic for me, but I think every day that it wasn’t epic for him otherwise we’d be together?!

So of course, I am seeing Motocross at this time & I am unsure about what is going on with him – it’s hot & cold or maybe it’s the expiration thing because he’s going back to the USA or maybe he’s just not that into me but I am confused. He’s seemed into me & now is pulling away, I am still on the chat app but I don’t use it as much while seeing Motocross, but for some reason, I just want to chat, so I resort to the anonymous app to get some advice from random strangers – something I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m always scared that I am going to find Noodle on the app – I know he used to use it & I also just haven’t wanted to use it in a long time for anything.

I post something I know will get me a hundred messages from desperate men (hahaha) “Guys: What do you like a woman’s hands to do when you’re getting busy” I have to write busy because the app won’t let me post getting head or fucking or even sex. I chat to a couple of guys & think nothing of a few responses, ignoring a lot of douches. But it does exactly what I want, I get responses & chat to a few to pass the time, taking my mind off waiting for Motocross to message me.

A few days later I post “A guy says ‘You’re the best I’ve ever had’ Is he saying that to get lucky again or does he really mean it?” A guy called Silverlining replies… “If you fuck him like a pornstar , probably yes as most chicks don’t do much , if you just give him normal stuff then he just wants to get lucky again lol” My interest is piqued, Noodle said I fucked him like a porn star, no one else has ever used that phrase with me – ever… I am suspicious of this guy already… The commas not being up against the word is Noodle all over… But the rest of the grammar is correct, the use of emojis, the multiple messages instead of one long one all just screams Noodle. I don’t know if it is, I may never know… But I can’t stop chatting to this person… The app only gives you a name you choose yourself & a age bracket, it’s not his age bracket, but I don’t use mine either. This app is fucked too, I don’t get notifications on it anymore so I have to constantly check it all the time for messages, which is part of the reason why I stopped using it.

I always avoid anything that is like Noodle, however I am drawn to this person, I start easily oversharing with Silverlining, so much so that I am unsure why I am doing it & why I feel like there are things I need to say. If this is Noodle, there are things I want him to know… If it’s not there I guess I am oversharing for no reason. I tell Silverlining about British & Noddy & how they ended it with me, I mean one pretended to live in Adelaide to date me & the other broke up with my via snapchat. He tells me that men are good manipulators & will tell women anything to get them into bed (I know this already) however he said if I’m already fucking them regularly such as Motocross & they tell you that you’re the best they’ve ever had, then they’re probably not lying. If they’re already guaranteed sex, then they generally won’t lie about the sex being the best if it’s not. Apparently, according to Silverlining, that’s kind of sacred, you don’t tell a chick she’s amazing if she’s not. Really?! Guess that makes sense. He keeps telling me not to doubt myself, I should believe this guy (Motocross), I tell him what bad self esteem I have & he says “Well you sound like your own worst enemy , your probably a fucking amazing person and doubt yourself way too much” Fuck, it just seems like Noodle! How does this guy even know me, know that I doubt myself way too much? I wonder if it is Noodle, I wonder if it is him, does he think it’s me?!

Silverlining meant to lose you

He’s asking me lots of questions about Motocross, I tell him that he’s currently living overseas but here staying with his parents while here for work, so there’s an expiration. He tells me to believe what Motocross is saying about how good in bed I am, He asks if I now believe that I am the best after chatting to this random on the anonymous app. Do I believe Motocross just because a Noodle type character says I should?!

Silverlining also doesn’t ever ask for a photo. Which surprises me, most guys ask within 2 messages even though I’ve posted about relationship advice – they always still ask for a picture. This guy doesn’t ask for a picture at all & just keeps the chat going offering advice – which is advice I already know, that because I’m so desperate for a boyfriend that I am ignoring all the warning signs. He doesn’t say it like that, but pretty much sums it up. I also realise that I ignored Silverlining when he replied to my first post about what a guy wants a woman to do with her hands when fucking – his reply was “Touch our bodies, either our dick if we are kissing , or our arms or even nipples haha , we are not much different to women” Hmmmm… That makes me think thinks is Noodle even more! What is he doing still using this app! FUCK.

I tell Silverlining that I don’t think Motocross is a liar, he does seem genuine when I’m face to face, some guys I can tell there is something not right, but my gut instinct here doesn’t raise anything – I mean there are some red flags, I get that – I’ve picked up on that, but my gut usually can identify when a guy isn’t genuine or lying or if I’m never going to see them again, I don’t ever get this vibe from Motocross, I don’t think he’s ever just saying stuff to get me into bed – clearly as we’re not even having sex. He pretty much has always done what he says he’s going too & the man is seeing me 3-4 times a week – sex or not, he’s locking in the next date. Yeah we may not be having sex every time but that’s not a bad thing, it is?! I don’t hear from Silverlining after about 5:45 pm that day – the same pattern as Noodle… Maybe a coincidence?! Or am I just looking for clues that this is Noodle?

After the cuddly evening with Motocross, I go back to Silverlining for advice on how Motocross has said something similar again about me being the best he’s ever had. Silverlining asks me how many guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had. I said 3-4 but now I can’t really remember who said it, I know Noodle said it & Motocross, but who else?! I know someone else has said it to me too… Just can’t remember.

Silverlining then asks what my hottest session was, now I have a few things go through my mind, if it’s Noodle, he wants to hear that he was the best, which he was, of course, no contest but then again I don’t want to boost his ego plus if it is Noodle, do I want him knowing it’s me? That will give it away, maybe that’s Silverlining’s game here?! I just tell him that I had a kinky dom who I like restraints with & we did pretty much everything, I mean could I really narrow down the hottest time I ever had with Noodle!?

He tells me that I need to share one, after saying I like restraints & that guys tell me I’m the best, so I say that there are too many, but I choose the second time that Noodle & I ever fucked, where I tied myself to the bed & waited for him to come find me… That was pretty fucking hot considering it was only the second time I’d ever fucked Noodle & literally the third time we’d ever met face to face. I mean maybe not the hottest, but was pretty fucking hot in the infancy of the relationship. He says “That does sound pretty hot , Lucky guy ! Haha your such a tease , you say there is no way too many to remember.” Hmmm the spaces between the commas… FUCK… It’s totally Noodle?! Especially since the grammar is perfect expect for your.

I have told him that I think something is wrong with me, so he asks why I would think that, being this guy has said I’m the best. Well I mean any guy can say I’m the best, but still must be something wrong with me, I’m still single FFS, they always date me for a while then end up with someone else… He says “Plenty more fish in the sea” but then says that I probably hate that saying, which I do & that I probably hear it all the time, which I do too. He tells me not to get too attached until I’m allowed to, I ask when am I allowed too? & he says when a relationship is possible… Interesting, isn’t a relationship possible?! He says that his advice it to have the awkward conversation now before the end of the arrangement (AKA expiry date of Motocross going home) I tell him that I’m not attached but I do want to see him as much as we can & Silverlining says that it sounds like I am attached & that I need to be honest with myself & then him! That’s fucking annoying advice because it’s 100% what I need to do…

Like an idiot I can’t stop chatting to Silverlining. I am desperate to know what is going on with him – if this is Noodle, I am desperate to talk with him… There are also things I still need to say. I was doing so well. I was moving on but the fact that Motocross is pulling away from me, I am confused & stupidly, I can’t ask Motocross what we are! Why am I always emotionally retarded? Is this why I never get what I want from men? I’m certain that there are some lies or just white lies with Motocross but I don’t want it to end so I don’t want to ask him what the deal is because I know there is something not right with the relationship we have – if you can call it that, but stupidly Motocross is the first guy since Noodle that I can actually see a real future with, but I’m not even sure why that is, since he’s probably lying to me.

#IBD4U

Motocross #19

When I wake up I decide not to write back straight away to Motocross’ message saying that he’s changed his flight, I mean I am not sure I believe it. But is it so unbelievable that a man would want to change his flight so he could see me?! Or do I just not believe any of what this guy is telling me because I can’t google him & he should be easily googled from info that he’s told me about his occupation?!

I make him (for a change) wait till almost 11:00 am for my reply “Hey sorry I was asleep when I got your message. I have a hair appointment tonight so will be home about 9-9:30 if that’s ok?” he says it sounds good. We don’t talk again for the rest of the day. After my appointment, I send him a message that I’ll be home in the next 10 minutes. He replies instantly “Sounds good I’ll be inside you in 20” with a poking out tongue emoji. FUCK finally! I say that I hope so & he says “Lol it’s happening” Maybe it isn’t just friends for him?

I walk in the door, turn on the heater, grab a beer & shortly after Motocross knocks on the door. Really, he’s still knocking, unless I tell him the door is unlocked he knocks?! Anyway whatever, lets not dwell on that… He gets to my house & I kind of expect to be pushed up against the wall in the throws of passion, but he comes in awkwardly & doesn’t kiss me hello, he says something about my hair (at least he says something about my hair!) & we sit on the couch, chatting.

It’s already after 9:30 pm when we sit chatting, both us take turns in getting up to warm by the heater, when he is standing by the heater at one point, I say something about his flight that was supposed to be today & he says that if I had’ve written back to him last night that he would’ve come over then (Murray Bridge is an hour & a half drive from my house – he wouldn’t have got here till after 12:30 am – would he have really come over?!) & his reply said that he had already changed his flight to come over tonight, but he says “Well I changed it cos I wanted to see you.” I sit there unable to look at him thinking how fucking cute that is – smirking like an idiot, I say that quietly & he asks what I said, coming back over to the couch to sit next to me, this time a little closer, I tell him that it’s fucking cute that he changed his flight… I feel like I don’t blush a lot in real life (As you can imagine, I am quite open with a lot of things – blushing isn’t something that happens often) but I am blushing. So it’s not long (but it’s longer than 20 minutes) that Motocross & I lean into kiss each other, both realising we need to make a move at the same time, we kiss & have sex in my bedroom the same way as we have most times we’ve fucked. It’s good & I can’t believe how much I missed it. What a relief.

Laying there afterwards, naked in bed, he says “We should’ve done that 4 times ago” I can’t help but giggle, not only do I agree & wish we had fucked the last few times but how fucking cute is it that he knows how many times he’s seen me that we haven’t had sex!! I ask why didn’t we have sex 4 times & he just says he doesn’t know… I mean I have no excuse for it either, it’s not like we’re tired, He leaves at midnight or later, it’s not that late that we’re so tired we don’t want too. He also tells me at this time that I’m the best at giving head that he’s ever had… I like sucking dick, we all know that… However this guy hasn’t ever gone down on me & he’s still not touched my clit to get me off. Yet I’m still sucking his dick? & he’s not the first guy to tell me that I’m the best they’ve ever had… So I know I am good at it, great even…

He gets up to leave around 1:30 am, giving me that lingering hug at the door & saying he’ll message me tomorrow. Which is also a new development too, saying that he’ll message tomorrow. He usually just plans the next date before he leaves or just hugs me, so saying he’ll message tomorrow is quite new. I also will now stupidly expect a message, I mean if I say I’m going to message, then I will message. So unfortunately for me, tomorrow I will think about nothing else, until he messages me… I almost wish he didn’t say he would message me, because then I can just go about my day & not think about why he hasn’t messaged me.

The next day, I think about him all day. I know his flight to wherever he is going is today, that he changed – I don’t know what time it is though… I still can’t believe I fell for that – is it even true?! Well I’ll never know so we will just give him the benefit of the doubt! I wait for his message & the whole day I jump every time I get a notification on my phone waiting for his fucking message! Fuck you Motocross for saying he’d message! It’s Friday night, I have a work social club event, bowling & laser tag so I am out when I see his name pop up on my watch “Hey how was your day?” Wow he actually messaged me first! I tell him that I’m on my way home & ask how his flight was, he asks how bowling is & I say that I won the game of bowling & came 4th in laser tag. He sounds surprised that I say I’m not that shit at activities. He says that he is surprised but didn’t think I was shit. I tell him that I could kick his ass he replies “haha settle down miss pumping your own tires much” Why the fuck do men call women miss? Especially women older than them. It’s weird! I tell him that I have to pump my own tyres as no one else will! He says that I was good at mini golf & he says about bowling “I thought you might get distracted with balls in hands. True I’d pump ya but not your tires tho” I tell him that he did that last night & it felt fucking amazing, he says he’s keen for more though (tho). Well that’s good to know – I guess. I tell him that I’ll take him bowling & how him how good I am & that I am keen for more too. He says “Yeah that sounds good I’m keen” I ask if he means bowling or sex & he says both. I say good answer & he says correct. I don’t reply as I fall asleep.

We don’t talk again until Sunday when I message to ask how his weekend was & if he won his race. He says that he did (of course!) I tell him that I have been out this weekend for a ride with nephew, he then asks what I’m doing tonight! Finally this dude is making plans. Interestingly when I back off a bit, he seems to realise. I tell him that my family is over & he came come over after, he says ”Yeah sure I can cum” I smirk at that, I message him at 8:20 pm to say my family is going now, but when he’s still not at my house at 8:45 pm nor has he replied, that I send another message. I don’t get a reply but he rocks up 15 minutes later, with no kiss as he walks in but an apology for being later & not replying to my texts.

Motocross waterslide that isn't wet

We sit down on the couch watching music, I prefer to put on music because then we talk. If we watch a dumb movie, we actually watch the movie. Motocross sits closer to me tonight instead of on the other end of the couch, we actually snuggle while chatting, which is also a new development, I’m not a really cuddly person, so I don’t mind not cuddling but this is nice to sit, chat & cuddle for a change. It’s been 6 weeks with Motocross & we’ve been on over 20 dates & we’re finally cuddling on the couch like a couple. While our sex is the same as in his moves are the same, no foreplay besides kissing, it’s also very different, it feels different, more connected perhaps? Motocross tells me afterwards that I am the best he’s ever had. This isn’t new news to me, I’ve been told this before & he’s told me similar before.

When Motocross jumps up to leave, I am perplexed. I do tell him that he can stay over sometimes & he says he definitely will, we have the lingering hug goodbye & he asks what I’m doing Tuesday, am I free to catch up, which I say that I am. Ironically though, he knows I have a high sex drive, he’s told me that he has a high sex drive, we’re obviously moving into a more than friends, more than sex vibe, why doesn’t he want to stay over? Why doesn’t he want to message me more? Is it because he’s leaving for the USA in a couple of months & he’s getting attached already? I don’t know why I can’t ask the questions, I don’t want to ruin then time when we’re together. I also don’t want to be that crazy woman demanding he message me every day & then I become an obligation. I want someone to want to be with me because they want to be with me – not because I give them an ultimatum or pull a stunt!

We don’t message again after that cuddly evening until Tuesday when I message to say I’m going to the gym he can come after he says yeah cool. I message when I get home & he says that he’s just eating so it takes him almost 40 minutes to get to my house at 9:00pm. I have put on music again so we can talk. I am also trying to build up the courage to talk to him about what the fuck is going on with us. He gets all excited about the car that he’s buying his brother this week. He says that he’s never had a brand new car & Motocross is buying him a brand new car, he went to Holden this week to look at cars & has picked one out, he’ll pick it up tomorrow & give it to him. He tells me how it’s a $90k car & he had the cash in a backpack! -WTF?! $90K IN A BACKPACK? Really?! I honestly have no reason to doubt what this guy tells me – to not believe him, but I also find it really hard to believe anything he says to me. Could this even be true?!

It’s like he can sense I want to talk to him about us & the where were going talk, because he says he’s really tired & really sorry but he’s going to go home. He’s been at my house an hour & a half, why did he bother? I guess he didn’t want to bail. He wanted to see me perhaps? So we obviously don’t have sex, we don’t have the talk I was planning, he gives me a lingering hug goodbye & says that he wants to see me Thursday. I say ok & suggest that we go bowling, since we talked about it a few times since I went with work people. He says he’d love that, but also apologising for leaving, walking out about 10:30 pm after getting to mine at 9:00 pm. I need to back away, I am going to get hurt here. I can just feel it.

#IBD4U

Motocross #18

Ok so as you may or may not remember, Motocross said in his profile that he likes mini golf & adventures etc. He’s a motocross/supercross rider so I know that he likes to do some different things. I decide that tonight that I am going to take him to the indoor mini golf pub called Holey Moley in the city. I’m going to show him that I’m fun that I’m not just about sitting at home watching bullshit movies like Sharknado. I message him that I got home early, as I’m going to get my tax done, that I am going to cook us dinner & then instead of watching movies we’re going to the mini golf place (I’ve talked to him about it before asking if he’s been there before or not). He says ok that sounds good. I message him a couple of hours later when I am home from the tax agent & he says he’ll be there in 15 minutes.

True to form, Motocross rocks up at exactly the time he says, I kiss him on the cheek awkwardly when he walks in. We walk into the kitchen as I am making taco bowls, I have cut everything up & put in bowls on the bench, I have sour cream, salsa, avocado, corn, lettuce, tomato, refried beans, mayo, cheese, capsicum & the taco meat. I have gone all out for this guy, probably more than I would put out for my own taco bowls.

I’m dressed in a cute skirt with tights & a top, ready to put my boots on to go out tonight. I am having a beer, because I assume he’ll drive. I give him a bowl & let him make his taco bowl to his liking. Literally he puts a tiny bit of lettuce in the bowl with a bit of meat & cheese. No sauces, no other toppings. I ask him if he doesn’t eat anything else & he says that he likes plain food, I ask if he wants tomato sauce, with a laugh but he says no. I have stupidly been buying him coke too when I go to the shops, I drink sugar free so I have both options in the fridge for him – I offer beer but he takes a coke. We sit & eat dinner chatting on the couch. I seriously can’t believe he is just eating taco meat & cheese. After dinner we head into the city, he gets me to drive because he says he doesn’t know where he is going. I get a rock star park & even show off my amazing reverse parallel parking skills… I know he is impressed because he says something. I have already booked & paid for the mini golf online because I wanted to make sure we got in, it’s usually pretty busy but it is a weeknight, so I’m not sure it’s that busy – it is quite busy for a Thursday.

We go to the bar & buy drinks, he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket so I pay for them & we play the game of mini golf. We play a bit quicker than I have ever played there, however every time I’ve been here it’s been with a big group so it can take a lot of time if they need a bunch of hits to get the ball in. He’s good, but I’m actually not too bad at the game either, however he wins but I am not that far behind him to be honest.

Motocross bad sex bad relationship

It’s not like I expect either, I mean it would be a perfect date to try to help me with my putting or touch me & be cheeky, however Motocross never touches me at all… We go up to the bar for another drink, which he pays for & the guy asks if we want the second course for a discounted price, Motocross says yeah & he pays for the drinks & the discounted course. We play another round. It’s fun & laugh a lot but we don’t touch, god forbid we touch or kiss.

After our second drink & second game we head home. We talk about the mini golf the whole way home, I mean he was super excited the entire trip to the city & now he’s talking about what holes he liked the best & how they had it set up. He also kept our score card & kept going through it on the way home.

I let him out of my car before I go into my carport as the passenger can’t get out with my kayaks on the wall & it’s a tight squeeze. He stands by my front door waiting for me to unlock it, he comes in & I offer him a drink turning on the heater & tv. We both always take it in turns about who stands in front of the heater & we talk a lot to be honest. He stays at my house till midnight but again we don’t have sex! He hugs me goodbye, that lingering hug that makes me feel pretty safe & that this is more than just friends, but also somehow makes me feel like this could be just friendship…

Ok is it weird it’s twice in a row that we haven’t had sex? This is new to me, is it a relationship or are we just friends? I again try not to dwell on it because I don’t want to pressure it either. I mean do I even know what I want? While I like this guy a lot, I like hanging out with him, it is missing something, it is missing the passion – the can’t keep your hands off each other passion that I had with Noodle. There is no way even the times I met Noodle for just lunch when I tried to end it or the times we met, we couldn’t not touch. I do have sexual chemistry with Motocross but do I have the passion? I mean this feels like we’re more than just friends. Are we just friends? Is that all he’s looking for? I mean he’s going back to the USA in October – though he’s also told me November too so who knows, maybe he’s pulling away because of that? Maybe he just wants to be friends?

I decide that I need to pull back from this too, I am getting too invested & he’s putting up barriers, so I decide that I am not going to message him to see what’s up this weekend, we last talked on Thursday after golf, its now Sunday. I don’t remember if he’s home or not, I refuse to message, even though I think about it all weekend. Literally the second my family arrive at my house, I see his little face pop up on my watch, I can’t help but smirk like a jerk at the fact he’s finally messaged me first. Maybe he is into me? Maybe this is more than sex? Maybe this is more than friendship? No guy messages to ask how your weekend was if he just what’s to be friends?!

We talk about our weekends & it’s all very cordial, I talk about how I saw the news with the Sydney show being cancelled & he said that there as no reason for people to be pissed off. I then ask if he wants to come over a bit later as my family are packing up, he says that he’ll see me soon & 15 minutes later he’s at my door, knocking.

He comes in & we talk the evening away, I don’t recall all the conversations we have but I am getting to know this guy a lot better. I talk about my trip to Brisbane, we talk about his trips away for work (riding), we talk about how shit my work is at the moment. We just talk a lot, especially when we’re not watching movies. So I tend to put on YouTube music videos because we learn a lot more about each other when we listen to music. He’s at my house till around midnight, again yet we don’t have sex! FUCK what is going on here?! As he lingers with his hug goodbye, squeezing me tight, he asks what I’m doing on Tuesday night, I say nothing but the gym & he says that he’ll see me then. Do these hugs means something? I know I don’t get men’s cues very good, they need to not be subtle with me, they need to be straight to the point about what they want, I know he can be shy, I am definitely awkward, so we’re not a great match at making moves.

We don’t speak again until Tuesday, I message & ask if he’s coming over as per his hug request, I say that I’ll be home around 8:00 pm, he says that he’ll come on over then, I tell him the door is unlocked, I’m just in the shower. He comes over & we sit around again, chatting listening to music till around midnight when the exact same thing happens, no sex, the lingering hug but no plans to catch up this week – he’s flying out on Thursday sometime so I probably won’t see him till next week. This is exactly 6 weeks since we met online…

I realise on the Wednesday that I am horny & want sex, if I don’t get sex with him tonight it’ll be almost 2 weeks since we had sex, but I’ve seen him 4 times – where we could’ve had sex, I figure I’m going to have to make a move if I want this to happen. Believe me the last 4 times, I’ve thought about it, I’ve tried to make a move but my stupid brain won’t let me. Making me think that he’s just not that into me & we’re just friends… No guy would hang out with someone this often if they are just friends, would they? I mean would you come to someone’s house 3-4 times a week if you just wanted to be friends?

So on Wednesday I message “Hey, I just realised that I probably won’t get to see you till next week, if I don’t see you tonight. So just wondered if you’re free tonight?” I send it at 6:30 pm, so I can still go to the gym if he can’t make it. He replies almost instantly that he’s out at the moment & he’ll try to come around after but he’s at Murray Bridge. I say that’s no worries, I’m off to the gym, will be home around 8:00 pm & he should let me know. After gym I shower as usual & sit around waiting for a message, even a message to say sorry I can’t make it. But nothing comes. I go to bed pretty fucked off, so I can’t sleep at all. I toss & turn all night till just after 11:00 pm I hear a text message come though. I read it “Hey sorry I’m just leaving Murray Bridge now I’m changed my flight till Friday morning so I’ll see you tomorrow night” I fucking hate that I smirk like a wanker at the fact he’s changed his flight, I mean am I that gullible?! Did he really change his flight that late at night to see me? I refuse to write back because he should’ve messaged me earlier to just say sorry he wouldn’t see me tonight – just so I wasn’t sitting around waiting, so now, he can wait, he can feel like the idiot for a change, wondering if he changed his flight for no reason!

I fall asleep pretty quickly, finally able to relax!

#IBD4U