Silverlining #22

I can’t fucking believe it, he is going to say goodbye like & fucking ghost me?! I send “Are you serious?!” I can barely type of any message “What the fuck happened in less than an hour for you to now say goodbye, like this??” I am overthinking, my thoughts are in overdrive. I know from your comments & messages that you’re all thinking that he is the smart one here, ending this before it goes too far. Before we meet again, before we fall more in love… But I am not quite at the point of ending this with him yet. I was asleep blissfully for less than an hour & now he’s ending us chatting, after the debacle of meeting me? Why would he bother meeting me if he was just going to say goodbye, like this, cowardly again… Message & delete me?!

FUCK.

I literally sit there watching the app for what I assume will be forever, with nothing back from him ever again, I expect that he won’t message me again, that he’s said his goodbye & that he’s done. When I see his messages pop up “I wanted to get some stuff out but we got cut short sorry. I’m not saying goodbye. Just scared I guess… You know I won’t be able to do that lol” OMG, so he was just trying to write a good bye for today message, tell me some things because obviously it was playing on his mind that he was a douche to me for making me feel dumb for the swingers parties & rope, so he decided to write something to me but he made it seem by saying that he tried to warn me that he was going for the evening… WOW… This is stupid but I am fucking relieved. I tell him that I am scared too, I mean I am going to get hurt here, I know he will be hurt but I will be alone, he still has his family when he’s not with me. I say that I am sorry too but I am not cooler than him, nor do I think he is uncool. He says that I am so uch cooler than him “I haven’t done anything near as cool as going to swingers party for even close to fucking 26 people in my entire life let alone 18 months. Just sayin. Cool” He then sends me a picture of his new haircut, he’s cut his hair to not be as long & I really like it, fuck he is sexy… I’m surprised he hasn’t fucked 26 people, he always made out like he was such a stud… He also apologises for rushing off, but I remember when we were together, he says he does that so he can message me as long as he can. I always just imagine him saying gotta go, deleting the app & going about his life, but I see now that he is probably deleting the app in the driveway so that he can chat to me as long as he can… It’s also random that he’s chatting tonight. I am glad he realises that he just rushes off & doesn’t get a proper goodbye, but I wasn’t expecting that. “BTW – it’s not cool fucking random strange men, just saying… It’s empty & unfulfilling…” I know that men like Silverling might see this differently, he sees that if he could pull 26 women in 18 months that he’d be cool & a stud but the fact that he says that he couldn’t get anyone when they were open makes him, in his eyes a loser. I just think it’s tragic that I fucked that many men & didn’t once ever get half the excitement from any one of them, that I got from just sitting opposite Silverlining at bloody hungry jacks!! Not even a spark… Yet I walked away from meeting him with wet panties & making myself cum the second I got home to thoughts of him!

He starts oversharing his sexual experiences as a younger lad, saying that he was always begged by women for more. But he often because of his shape of his cock or because of how hard he fucked them, made the women bleed, he says that he’s surprised he never made me bleed, which he didn’t… He tells me about the women with fake tits that he fucked & hot it was, it makes me wonder how he ended up settling for someone like he did… He tells me that he’s fucked about 15 people but he says like me he didn’t have sex until he was about 19 or 20… Plus he’s been in a closed relationship where he was monogamous (until me) for over 10 years. I refuse to tell him how many I have… Lets just say it’s over 50 for me but under 100… OMG.

Silverlining rememeber how much i loved you

As we talk I ask him or suggest subtly that we need an app that I get notifications on, so I’m not a loser checking the app every 5 minutes even when I know he’s said goodbye for the night, because like tonight he is chatting constantly so I do check through the night to see if he’s had a chance to come back online. He says that all his accounts on the chat app are deactivated. He reminds me how many enemies he made on there & I know of course, I mean his last message in one of the groups was telling everyone that the profile picture of me with cum on my face was his cum. I tell him that I was sent that by 3 people & I laughed at first getting that he wanted everyone to know but then I felt so disrespected. He say that is wasn’t to disrespect me it was just him waving his cock around, which I knew. He doesn’t get why I thought it was so rude, I mean I wasn’t in the group he did it in, then I had to deal with all the messages from people asking what happened, people knew we were together but we never told anyone at all, so I had to deal with all the questions while he deleted his accounts. I remind him that everyone knew anyway, we were in every group together, admin in every group & we were always online at the same time, I wouldn’t chat much unless he was in the group chatting too… He then says that he needs to go to bed, I say goodnight & I love you & he replies “Nooooooot healthy #IBD4U. But love you too…” I smile like a wanker & cosy down for a restful night sleep.

On holidays from work, I went to sleep late because he & I were chatting all night, then I am awake at 7:30 am to 12 messages from Silverlining at 6:20 am. “Morning loser. So I have a problem. I’m allready addicted to you. I want to chat to you every second I can. I want to see you too. And I sure as hell want to fuck you. And I know that I love you. Think we need some boundaries and some rules and stuff. Have to chat to each other like once a week. And no sex ever lll. Because I don’t want to interfere with your work life , personal life and love life. Or make you unhappy.” While I am smiling like an idiot at how cute he can be, I can also read between the lines here… He is telling me what I want to hear but also telling me subconsciously that he is not leaving her still, even though he feels this way about me. I also don’t think we can only speak once a week, I mean, would he ever be able to do that? I mean I could, but he would have to be the one that deleted the app & didn’t come back. I would have no self-control. I ask him if he wants to hear a secret, but I don’t wait for his reply “I’m addicted too. I want to talk to you every second. I want to see you, even keep thinking when we can… I definitely want to fuck you too… I love you too & don’t want to ruin your life either!” He says that I’m tempting him & I say that I am not, he says “So you show all your friends pics of your pretty little wet cunt oozing out pure bliss after you’ve cummed?” I laugh & he tells me that he’s hard at the gym now. I tell him that he is still the best sex I’ve ever had, but I guess that I am only in the top 3 for him, behind the Asian he was able to fuck in the ass & his partner. “Na. Your number one you twat face. Number fucking the one.” FUCK. I send him a naked picture & tell him that I am so wet, it’s insane how wet I am just from chatting to him again, I haven’t cum this much in the last 18 months than I have with him since I saw him for lunch. He tells me that I’ve lost a lot of weight & look so good in the pictures that I send, that he wants to fuck me & we need to control ourselves, that old chestnut. When we talk about the fact that some of the guys I fucked in the last 18 months didn’t even make me cum, he is seriously perplexed about it saying how easy it is to make me cum, but he forgets that our chemistry makes me cum, not just what the guy is doing… “Probably didn’t help you trying to get over me tho” EXACTLY… Finally he gets it, that while I may have fucked a lot of guys since him, they didn’t fill the void, a void I was trying so hard to fill. He still says that he was expecting me to be over him & with someone buff who’s kinky… I mean not this old chestnut too? FFS. This is when I say why I think that I loved him more than he loved me, if he can really believe that I would be over him that quickly. “I honestly did. You can do so much better than a geeky loser dude that fills shelves ! I loved you so much twat face. Still fucking love you. Didn’t know you loved me as much as you did … But don’t you fucking deny what I had for you … You had me so fucking close …” That just fucks me off when he says that “You know what I think about that. You never believed me” but he snaps “I believed you … I could feel it … I didn’t realize how deep it was … I told you , You would never get over me … With my own words irl.” So see he tells me not to blame myself that his kids are the reason for his decisions but had I told him more that I was so in love with him…. I don’t think he realises what it means to me when he says that I had him so close, he sees it as a compliment, but then I realise that he didn’t know that I loved him as deeply as I did & it makes me realise that if he did, things may have still turned out the same because of the stunt she pulled however, he would have not doubted our life together, which I know he did. “I was so into you it was ridiculous. It was all consuming. I thought about nothing else but you. I thought about when I was going to see you again, what we would do… I thought about what you were doing when we weren’t messaging, when you would come back online. I thought about you at the gym, standing opposite me giving me a cheeky look as we worked out… I thought about dates & holidays we could go on… I thought of excuses you could use to see me more… ” It was all consuming for me “You were starting to consume me more. You became my hobby and my interests. I stopped doing everything I loved because I focused all my spare time on you pretty much.” We were in so deep… How the fuck did we lose it?

We start sexting a little, he says that he’s hard & I need to stop enticing him, I send him a picture & he says “You up to much this weekend?” I say nothing much, because I know that whatever time he says he’s free, I will make myself available for him, but I do have a few things on, but I try to act nonchalant about it so that he will give me times he’s free, but he says that he won’t be online much & doesn’t want me waiting around for a message, my heart sinks a bit even though I know it was his weekend off, it’s been a fortnight since I saw him at the show. He says goodbye again for the night, with chat soon & that I’m like a drug, I say I love you because I am not going to regret not telling him, even if I won’t ever have him, I want him to know.

I check the app so many times over night in case he comes online to chat to me again, but I fall asleep with nothing from him. At 6:30 am I get a message “How many times did you check your phone loser. I check a couple of times … I’ll admit it.. Good Morning for today’s when you get your ass out of bed” I say that I checked more time that I care to admit & want an app with notifications because I don’t want to be addicted like that, looking at the app all night & waiting. Then I ask why he didn’t message if he checked, but he says that he would have only had time for single messages & that he’s stubborn, there was nothing from me. He says that he’s stubborn but then starts missing me & starts taking more risks checking the app around his partner. I ask if he was waiting for me to write “Hey baby cakes, I check the app every 30 seconds hoping for a message from you. Love you” He laughs & says that would have been cute, he says he was awake at 5:30 am but waited like he always does. He says that he’ll be offline soon, it’s around 10:00 am, when she gets up but he still randomly finds time to message me throughout the day. We don’t say goodbye this day or I love you when we sign off, as he kept chatting most of the night, one message at a time, I never knew when he was going or coming back but I wake up to 37 messages from him, mostly about the fact I wrote him saying I was awake all night with really bad tummy cramps from lactose (I think). “Why are you so addicting? Our chat will come to an end so like some loser I’m writing as much shit as I can to you… You need to stay off chat when your in qld and enjoy your holidays. I’ll tell you off if you chat to me.” & amongst all the other messages there is a “Oh yeah figured out a good time we could meet again , Tuesday night for dinner” Ahhhh our usual night… Our usual thing, could I go back to this pattern again? I want it. I wonder if he’s serious, if he will actually see me again. He is constantly dangling the carrot of being with me but also dropping into the conversation subtle hints that he is not going to be chatting to me forever or that he is not leaving her. However regardless of how you all feel about this relationship, I want to see him more than ever, if he’s serious I will be there sucking his cock & fucking him, where ever & whenever he wants.

FUCK.

#IBD4U

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