Month: Feb 2023

In December I see Marvel only 10 days after major abdominal surgery, but fuck it’s worth it. We don’t message each other after he leaves, I am too stubborn for that, clearly he is too… Christmas comes & goes… A new year… His birthday is coming up when I finally hear from him.

Unlike Marvel he actually sends me an unsolicited dick pic before logging off for January. I don’t hear from him again… I am being stubborn & think I’ll hear from him the week before school goes back, he’ll send a message to initiate the chat to catch up being that there are only 2 days in January that will be left for us to have sex in Jan (remember we’ve fucked every month since we started up again) Finally when I don’t hear from him, I send him a message with my availability for those two days & it sits at sending for days.

Overthinking goes into overdrive. He abruptly left me hanging earlier in the month, maybe she caught him & he’s not online anymore? Maybe he’s dead? Maybe he did the Samsung update & his phone was wiped, therefore he can’t remember his password to the chat app? The anonymous app we used to use has basically been deleted so I can’t stalk that anymore to see if he chats to me on there. Maybe they broke up? Nah he would come crawling to me right away if that happened… I literally think up every scenario…

Insomnia kicks in for various reasons, I’ve had a mini fight with J-Lo as you know & my vagina has been angry from no sex. I’ve also been dealing with this surgery not healing properly also trying to renovate with dickhead tradies & so I’m just fucked off. I cry. I cry for the first time in 2 years… I’ve taken off my lashes also because I can’t find a good lash tech, so I cry.

So with this insomnia, I realise that I have Marvel blocked on everything. Maybe he’s trying to find a way to contact me some where else?! What if he is?! I go to instagram & unblock, he’s posted 4 things. One of them is from a trip he took interstate… Maybe they moved to be with her parents?! I mean I’d seen him 4 times since he posted the picture but maybe he just couldn’t tell me they were planning on moving? I go to my snapchat & unblock – nothing interesting there. I head over to FB & I unblock him but leave his wife safely blocked.

Upon unblocking him on FB, it’s all the exact same, I can’t click him to add a friend (not that I would). There is all the same pictures available but I do discover his group/page. Remember he told me after we were over that he had a FB page. Well I find it (which I couldn’t fucking find when he told me about it) & I stalk it. FUCK. I hate this – what does this stalking achieve?! I want to click ‘like’ but I just check it daily instead, like an actual factual wanker because I don’t want him to know I have found it & am looking at it. This is tragic #IBD4U, get a life.

Literally 4 days into this fucking spiral stalking meltdown, he messages & says that the chat app is fucked & offers up this week to see him. Are you fucking kidding me… I am such a fucking wanker. Fuck sake – he just had fucking app issues…

Now remember last post when I said there was more to the Dom Dom story… Well he always says stuff to me about Marvel, like asks if I’ve seen him & if I have he always asks for a exact description of what happened, which I used to give him some additional details so he could jerk off to it… Towards the point of the L word with Marvel, I didn’t share as much, so since then I just give him snippets, usually more about positions & that’s about it.

Dom Dom doesn’t understand why I will fuck Marvel & not him. They’re both in the same situation right?! Dom Dom offers his cock for riding when I say that I haven’t heard from Marvel in ages & don’t know what is going on with him either… Dom Dom doesn’t get that I NEVER wanted to fuck a married man, I am so against cheating. Yet somehow due to falling for Marvel & poor choices following the demise of that love, I have been the other woman. Not a fact I am proud of. So I choose not to engage with married/partnered men in sexual activity, even if I’ve fucked them before – Marvel the exception to that choice. While chatting & talking sexy is considered cheating to some people, I am not as pedantic when it comes to what is cheating, having spent so much time on the chat app as I have in the past, I do understand the need for texting so don’t necessarily call that cheating.

One day I do decide to meet Dom Dom, which he insists must be at his house… I would be happy with a coffee shop but he says it must be his house. He has small kids & puppies, his house smells like dogs & I smirk when I see a bunch of kid stuff & dirt juet swept under the TV cabinet, like he poked it under then knowing I was coming. I rock up knowing that he will try to get his dick out given the chance & that he will try something, which he does, he tries to kiss me multiple times. One of his dogs is sitting on my lap, which I am grateful for. The conversation is a bit strained, I know because Dom Dom wants more, trying to hold my hand or lift my long skirt to see a bit of leg… But I leave, not without a scuffle to get a kiss from me before I go.

I owe no loyalties to Marvel. Especially after the way he’s treated me. I have in the past had sex with other men, I am not going to deny that in the last almost 6 years that I haven’t had sex with others, of course I have. But I don’t want this with Dom Dom because of his wife & kids. At least Marvel’s wife knows what he’s done to her in the past & to be perfectly honest, she must know what he’s been doing for basically the last 3 years too… Dom Dom has the chance to do the right thing by his family… To leave & find his happiness or stay & be faithful as much as he doesn’t want to be.

I fell in love with & became best friends with someone so unavailable that it killed my heart to end it. I don’t ever want that again. I am not willing to put myself out there even if its just sex to another married man or partnered man. Dom Dom has always kept his distance over the years we’ve talked. Rightfully so! So I don’t see why it’s a struggle for him to see why I don’t want anything with him, a physical connection is out of the question. I am not getting caught up in that with someone else ever again. I struggle to explain it but have to over & over because Dom Dom doesn’t get & literally becomes so needy.

But back to Marvel… Within two days of Marvel being back online chatting to me, he is giving me three options when to see him next. I accept & see him on the first day he gives me, as if I want to wait…

After we have sex, for the first time in a long time we chat. Ironically he tells me about his FB page & I have a look at it while lying next to him, knowing full well that it’s in my search history & he talks about the posts & team of admin he has helping post daily. I mention that the name of the group is misleading to the content & laugh about the FB profile picture it has. I’m surpised, when I look (ok I stalked) later that night, the name of the group has changed & so has the profile picture with a note saying that the name of the group no longer serves the purpose it did 10 years ago when he started the page… OMG. Are you kidding me…? It makes me smile so much, I didn’t know I had any influence left with him besides my vagina. But clearly I do…

We also talk about the chat app & how shit it is now, with ads & bots all the time that he says he wants to chat to me via snapchat instead… He says he has it hidden on his phone & that he can chat to me there… He also tells me that I keep coming up on his tiktok – he says he doesn’t watch my videos, just scrolls past them when I come up as a suggestion – I call BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. As if he’d just swipe my videos away – to be fair they are basically always of my dogs, but what a load of crap that he is not looking when I come up as a suggestion!

Usually, he’s only at my house for a maximum of one hour, but when he gets up to leave at that hour mark, I remind him that he’s not cum yet but he says he’s soft & I tell him that I am sure I can get him hard again, he gets back onto the bed & lays next to me just kissing me & says in less than 30 seconds that he is hard again. Yeah baby, I’ve still got it. Just from a kiss.

I haven’t been writing notes or recording dates & times of when he is over my house like I did before, to create a timeline. These times exist only in our memories now, I don’t have a minute by minute description of what we did & what we do, so this is a bit of an unusual post, but it’s also the first sex I’ve had in a long time that made me feel wanted again & the thing that fucks me off about that is that it’s not the sex that I liked about the two hours he spent at my house – I mean, of course I liked the sex & I came so many times – but my favourite part was when we talked & at one point his hand rested on my back or when he rolled into me to cuddle a bit.

I don’t deny this is dangerous territory, we know our limits now. I know he has love for me as I do him, I’m not sure he’s in love with me like he was but I know that we love each other. This man was my best friend & god if I could have that back, I would accept it in a second. But I am ok with the intimate moments where we let down our guard a little & put them back up when it’s over…

I don’t know what the future holds for Marvel & I. I don’t know what the future holds for me at all… All I know is that I am so much happier not fighting for a mans attention, like M8 or Eastwood – who I know is single, who seemingly liked me. I am much happier not texting someone every day – I miss it of course sometimes.

#IBD4U

Those of you that noticed, there wasn’t an update about M8 in the previous update blog! That’s because he probably doesn’t deserve any more air time, but he didn’t fit in that post… It was already way too long & this one has turned out longer than expected too!

After he does the minimum amount of electrical work that I have to do at my house, he stops talking to me. We send snaps every now & then but it’s not regular & I try not to engage in it too much because he’s back with his baby Mumma number 2. Or so her tiktok tells me… Why does she keep coming up?! I do not get the stupid app.

I still need electrical work done & I work out in my head that with M8’s hourly rate he’s been charging me, that it would be about another $1500 worth of work so when I am quoted $2000 from another electrician, I just go with this new company… During this time I wait for the other electrician, I see that M8 is out with our mutual friend every fucking day, washing her car, mowing her lawns – fine I don’t care as they’re friends but I am waiting for this shit to be done with a fucking light hanging from the carport (which actually triggers my safety switch & I have no lights for 2 days!) & willing to pay him for the work, yet he chooses to wash her car for free!? Then he’ll post on snapchat asking for work… Is he kidding me?

The other electrician actually ends up only charging me $900 & when I tell M8 he tells me that I am nuts & he would’ve done it all for $200. BULL FUCKING SHIT MATE! As if… He’d charged me $600 for about 4 hours worth of work so there is no way he would have charged me $200 for all the remaining work. Anyway, I don’t care, it’s done & I didn’t have to worry about a dodgy light out the front anymore & I don’t have to wait.

As the reno is nearing the end – well the major construction part at least, I do ask M8 about my roof because I have had so much trouble with the builder that I decided to get an independent building inspector & he had sent me pictures of all these broken tiles on my roof… Why are there broken tiles?! There shouldn’t be. They have also just fixed it with silicone! I message M8 to see if he saw it while he was up there, but he didn’t… The only time he was on my roof, I was here, so it couldn’t have been him. But we message about how shit it is & I can’t believe that this is happening! The builder sends a roofer so all was sorted but so annoying!

One day after my surgery to fix my stomach skin overhang, I send a pic on snapchat with a midriff top – I admit I will never wear this out in public & in the pic I am wearing slippers. M8 replies & says that I look sexy, he wasn’t looking at the slippers. I say that I’ll take that & he says “lol truth”, I reply “Says the man who ran out the door quicker than he came.” Now I realise when he didn’t write back how he took that, that he came quickly… But I just meant that he ran out the door so quickly.

I assume I’ll never hear from him again but one day he asks if I’ve found a concreter & that he has a friend who might do it, when I send him the drawing of what I need, his friend says he doesn’t want the job! OMG. I have been quoted $47k for this job by Concreter, who can just say no to that kind of money because I originally asked for coloured concrete as I thought it was cheaper?! I’m in a mood & its a full moon, that I tell him that every tradie has ripped me off & he says that he didn’t… I want to tell him that he did & made me feel like I paid for sex but I just put my phone done & go to sleep.

In the morning, I think fuck it. I tell him that I don’t do one night stands & that I have never fucked a tradie doing work at my house. He laughs. Righto… I tell him I felt like I paid for sex & he says that he didn’t see me saying it wasn’t good. What’s that supposed to mean, I didn’t imply that & he says that he thought “I was pretty good” I said that he was out the door before I could move my legs so he tells me that he’s never done that before – which was slept with someone he’s done work for… Why do I find that hard to believe!? He’s a smooth talker, he knows how to get what he wants.

I say again that I don’t just sleep with people once – yeah I’ve done that it the past but I hate that about me. He asks if I want more. I said that I wouldn’t have done it in the first place if I knew it was only going to be once. Which I have said in his story, there was something about this guy, he really drew me in. He says that “I would of kept doing it just didn’t know where I sorta stood” He wasn’t sure if I was keen or not… How the fuck do guys not know? Or is this a line? I have no idea at this point.

When he says that it was good sex, I think & say that I didn’t even get to suck his dick & he tells me that I still can, there’s nothing stopping me! He tells me that he’s only ever had one girl that is good at it & she spat. He says again that he just thought I was looking for a root… I tell him that I wasn’t looking for either & definitely didn’t want a one night stand. He says sorry & that probably the offer is gone now. I should say that yes he’s missed his opportunity, maybe cheekily tease him but for some stupid reason I just say “I like you. The offer is still there” I am never good at these games.

We sort of dwindle out talking that day – which has been all day & then I post a photo of some drinks. He asks if I am getting drunk, which I am not… The chat gets cheeky about wearing a dress & no panties… Why is that always a fantasy?! He thinks I am drunk, but I tell him that I am not as I texting perfectly. I do admit only to you that at this point, I was having to delete the letters a few times to make it perfect! Hahahaha.

He says that he’s going to come over but then never looks at my message, I don’t know where he lives exactly but over 10 minutes with no reply, I am going to go to sleep if he doesn’t come over. 5 minutes later, I get a message saying that he’s putting the kids to bed, so I just say if he can’t come it’s all good. But he says he’ll be there soon (he lives with his parents, he didn’t just leave his kids home!) Another 35 mins he says he’ll be 10 mins… His car is so loud when it pulls up over an hour from when he asked if I wanted his dick & I think about my fucking neighbours thinking what a skanky hoe I am letting a boy come to my house at 11pm on a Sunday!

When he gets to my house, we sit outside chatting for a while. I offer to pour him a drink I just opened – that I didn’t really want but thought he’d have a drink then we’d have sex. But he doesn’t drink due to losing his licence. We chat for a while, it’s easy but he talks a lot & I don’t say much to be perfectly honest with you. He talks about his kids & our mutual friend & then we kiss – I don’t know what time it is but his fricken car alarm which is the horn goes off & he has to go outside to turn it off… As if my neighbours didn’t need any more information for their case against me being a slutty hoe.

When we kiss it’s hot & I end up straddling him before we move into my bed room. Because I haven’t been playing netball since my surgery, my nails are looking amazing, I must run my fingers down his back because he tells me not to scratch him, I ask why & he says something about his kids seeing. I think nothing of it. I suck his dick of course which he loves, – tell me to look at him when I do it… He never goes down on me & says something later about how he doesn’t do that…

When I put the condom on, he starts fucking me, being quite dominant & it turns me on a bit. While he’s fucking me, I try to move & fuck him back but he tells me to stop moving or he’ll cum… I guess I am not a starfish & that’s what he wants?! He makes me cum & he cums too… It’s good but not epic & thankfully I don’t squirt.

After we finish we go sit outside, to my surprise & given the hour, he sits & talks again for an hour. Like he talks the whole time about child support, why he has his kids that are here from the country – never once does he mention the baby, his new job, our mutual friend… He talks & talks & talks.

I don’t hear from him again – he had told me that he was going away in 2 days to start FIFO again, so when I notice a hickey, I think I will just tell him & he says “haha” – well I guess that’s it then… It was another fucking line that I fell for… I know I am stupid, but this is just beyond anything I have ever fallen for before… But a couple of hours later he asks if I did enjoy it & I say that I did & that only one thing could make it better, he asks what & I say not using a condom. He sends back “hahaha lol.” RIGHT.

Then when he’s away he posts a covid positive test. Fuck, I have been a little sniffly all week & when I saw him, so I take another test as the one earlier in the week was negative & it’s fucking positive! I have been off work for 6 weeks & go back in 3 days & now have covid! Luckily my symptoms go away so I can return to work.

Her tiktok comes up so much when they’re back together, why is that? All her stupid actually terrible dance & lip syncing videos – one of my friends ask me for her tiktok to look & says that he looks like her dad in their seemingly recent trip to a hotel – which of course warranted no less that 5 videos on how much they can pose together in the hotel mirror. There is also a fucking video of her with a mask on posted a couple of days ago too… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? That’s obviously why he didn’t want scratches on his back. They’re together & one of them gave me covid, not the other way around…

At the end of January 2023 he messages about the concrete again, but his friend never replies even though he could’ve asked them first, then messaged me but he messaged us both at the same time… Weird… I try not to give too much away. Then he asks me about the cameras that he set up for me, asking some questions but I test him by saying did he want to come look at my cameras – but it Australia Day. I am white girl wasted. Like off my head that the next day I don’t remember a lot!

My messages get so weird that I’m not surprised I don’t see him but also he’s with his baby mumma so whatever. But I keep reminding him that I am too old for him, that he’s got other offers, he tells me to stop when I keep saying old skin, old cunt, stale & old. WTF #IBD4U. Put your fucking phone down! Luckily he doesn’t write back & I pass out with all my doors open & unlocked & the dogs spooning me.

A few weeks later he replies to a snapchat of me in the mirror & we chat for a bit but that dwindles & I am done with this… Done with men in general. The loves of my life, are next to me sleeping…

#IBD4U

No one really deserves a post of their own. As you know my dogs are the loves of my life. I genuinely don’t need to worry about messaging boys or trying to find my partner. I can look at my ring finger whenever I think I want this & see their paw prints tattooed on that finger that I always assumed would be decorated with a diamond engagement ring followed by a wedding band. A symbol that I am loved… I don’t need it, I know. But I wanted it. I wanted it for the longest time.

The dogs however, have made me very anti social. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see other people, I just want to be home with the dogs. I used to be the type of person who went to EVERYTHING. I was always the drunk obnoxious idiot, probably trying to find someone to sleep with & snapping at them when they didn’t want too, thinking that this could be the night I meet the person I am going to be with.

Most of my close girlfriends have gotten boyfriends so I barely see them or they have distanced themselves for one reason or another, for the first time in my life I don’t need validation on how many friends I have etc.

So when the boys I’ve been talking to dwindle off, I am weirded out because for the last 16 years, I have basically been texting someone – with the view that it was going to be something, but then they disappear.

Eastwood was messaging me one night before Christmas, I’d just had fairly major elective surgery, so I was in bed & he’s snapchatting me obviously drunk but at a pub sending pictures of the dance floor. I am thinking this guy is off his head – I have thought for a while that he has a drinking problem & I am now certain he has a drinking problem, he is always drunk. No judgement, I get it, I was there once in my life before.

The whole time we’re messaging, I’m thinking “Do not offer to pick him up. Do not offer to pick him up. DO NOT offer to pick him up…” I seriously don’t know why, but next minute I am in my car picking the fucking idiot up. He’s messaging but says he’s walking home – seemingly with no money to catch a taxi. I tell him to turn on his snap maps so I can see where he is. Fuck, why am I doing this? He tells me that he almost got hit by a train & I seem to put my foot down, making my shit box car go a bit faster to get him, I tell him to sit down & stay still… He sends me a snap of someone’s front garden with all the Christmas lights & I tell him not to touch the display – I can just see I’m gonna have someone’s fucking reindeer in my car & I tell him to sit down. I figure I’ll be able to find him that way… I finally get him to turn on snap maps so I can see where he is & what street at least, it was where I was aiming for but at least I can find him easily now. I pull up & he’s sitting on a retaining wall.

Eastwood stumbles the three steps to my car, getting in, he reeks of booze & kisses me hello. I kiss him back & instantly I am taken back to the times I used to do this for Boyfriend. I always was happy for him to go out with his mates & always thought what an amazing girlfriend I was for picking him & his mate up – who had to be home by midnight & I always wondered if I was more like his mates girlfriend, giving boundaries etc, maybe I wouldn’t be single? Those two are married & still are 16 years later… Don’t dwell.

As we drive home, he touches my leg & we talk easily. He’s always easy to talk too… I drop him home, pulling into his driveway, he leans over & kisses me. He’s a good kisser, I’ll give him that, but his dog is going mental, it’s almost 1:00am & so I tell him that he should go, he of course invites me in… I want to go in but I tell him I have to be up early – which isn’t a lie. When I get home he’s messaging me telling me he’s coming over to mine, getting in his car & coming over. I spend a while watching his location but fall asleep. In the morning I see no messages from him but check the motion sensors in my camera as they went off, but he didn’t come over, hopefully he just passed out… I don’t think this guy is my forever, I think he is interested in someone he works with anyway.

After that night, the chat dwindles to nothing. He usually replies to every snap chat story I post, which is usually daily. But I start getting nothing back & I am a bit meh about that, I didn’t want to stop talking to him or stop seeing him really, I mean it was what it was & I guess it ran it’s course. I often think I should just message & say “you’ve been quiet” but he knows where I am & I’m sick of being that loser that chases the guys all the fucking time, for a minute of their time. I had explained about that night & why I didn’t go inside with him, but it makes no difference.

Plumber is another who has dwindled into thin air & I’m not upset, besides the fact I just spent $400 on an actual plumber to do one of the jobs this guy said he’d do for me. So Plumber will message & be consistent for a few hours then nothing for weeks. I’ll get a snapchat every now & then & he looks at all my stories as well, but when we’re chatting I ask if he can come move the tap, he says yeah next weekend.

Next weekend comes, so I ask when he can come – oh funny but he doesn’t read it or click on my message but continues to stalk my stories. Fuck you wanker. This is from a guy who constantly tells me “If we were together we’d have a pretty sexual relationship” & will then tell me about all the things we’d do, also says that he’ll do things to me when he comes to do my plumbing work. I call his bluff again & say that he can have that he can have me if he was single & his reply is “one day #IBD4U one day”… Like fucking hell we will. He even says to me at one point “If I was single I would be with u… but u’d push me away and annoy me with silly things but weed be together I think” LIKE WHAT?! This guy has the audacity to say I’m confusing – maybe I am, but why the fuck does he think we’ll be so great together, yet clearly doesn’t want to leave his partner. I don’t delete people because I like to see how long they will stalk me for but this guy needs to go.

I post on my story showing the tap moved etc as I think this will prompt a snap message from him but it doesn’t. It’s probably for the best, this guy is majorly confusing & constantly dangling the carrot that there is something there for him, when clearly there isn’t.

Someone you haven’t heard about in a long time is Maloo… He was a guy from a long time ago that found a partner, had a couple of kids & now he says they’re not together but his sister still tags her on FB posts. So who knows. I am not getting involved. My feelings haven’t changed on this one, he is the sweetest guy but physically I am not attracted to him & he also had his chance before he met the woman he had two kids with & he didn’t take it.

Anyway, he’s been messaging quite consistently & like Plumber, says shit about what it’d be like if we were a couple… Like are you kidding me. I guess the thing I find interesting is that I used to start overthinking & planning our life that we might have if we were together. Yet as much as that stupid overthink day dream isn’t something I want – it clearly is just a fantasy for these two. They’re in relationships with people they don’t want to be with but are too stupid to leave for whatever their reasons. I’m not judging of course because I understand what it’s like not to let someone go, even if you don’t like them. I try not to engage to much with Maloo on chat, but he sends snaps every day.

Dom Dom is another guy who has become someone I am happy to chat too, but its really changed dynamic. He used to be this dominant type of guy in my DM’s but now it’s like he’s so needy for my attention that it just turns me off, in a way. When I don’t write back quick enough sometimes, he’ll then spiral & ask if I want to delete him. He’ll ask why I don’t just block him if I am not interested.

He wants me to fuck him so badly, but I am just not interested. Not only do I not want to fuck married men – even though I have had in the past sex with him, I am just not that into him or so attracted to him that I am willing to put myself out there for him – I don’t want to get mentally hurt again, as it would 100% happen.

He does ask me something intriguing & that is if I would ask him to leave his wife. The answer is the same as it was for Noodle… I would never ask them to leave. As much as I wanted to beg Noodle back then to leave her, I knew that he had to leave without the idea that I would be there – I wanted no resentment if we didn’t work work out. & look Noodle chose to stay – maybe because I didn’t beg him, maybe because no matter what he wasn’t going to leave, who knows… I don’t know what Dom Dom’s deal is but when he says that he’s not happy, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with him because I’ve never entertained the idea…

Recently though his neediness is unsexy – because he’s obviously not getting from his wife what he needs sexually or emotionally now so he had me at one stage for his jerking off fantasies, he’d call, he’d jerk off & in a moment of weakness he’s had me physically. I guess he was getting a bit from me emotionally at one stage, particularly when I was in a terrible place after the Noodle saga. But now I am realising that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when his wife isn’t around or when she’s sitting next to him on the couch not touching him as apparently she quite often does when the kids are in bed. As much as we talk about it, he just doesn’t 100% get it… More on this in another post!

J-Lo well… Fuck me this guy has been a constant for so many years. We’ve chatted about so many things. In December he rocks up at my house one morning & I am not in the mood to “cuddle” with him. He doesn’t get it either, he doesn’t get what he wants from his partner, that doesn’t mean that I am the back up. It’s awkward as he tries to get me to go back to bed to lie down with him, but I say no & he says he has to go. Imagine how long I would’ve got a cuddle if he was needing to go.

Later I try to explain to him that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when he wants too & he snaps at me that he is not going to be my punching bag when I am in a bad mood… Rightio then, I didn’t realise that expressing my feelings about being second best when he has time was making him a punching bag… I genuinely wasn’t having a go at him, I just just trying to remind him about the day he came over when I was emotionally unstable & didn’t want him to hug me, but he did & I cried, then when he got what he wanted he jumped up & left. I was left alone & feeling even worse than I was… Now I am a strong woman so I picked myself up after that & moved on, then didn’t cry again for my usual 2 years or so, but deep down that scared me.

At this point, we haven’t spoken for a few weeks, I am sad about that. But to be honest, I just whinge about how fat I feel & how much it sucks to be single & he whinges about how little sex he gets & how much child support he has to pay. It’s just become an unhealthy daily chat that is a round-a-bout of the same topics over & over again… I have genuinely missed it but if I am honest, I haven’t also. As much as I value this friendship we seem to not give each other what we want…

So there you have it, an update about the men I’ve written about recently. As you can see nothing has changed with them, but I think that I have changed dramatically. I am not willing to be some side piece for them when they feel like it & clearly they don’t like this side of me. The side that realises I deserve much more than they are willing to give me.

#IBD4U

So I want to do an unusual post, not actually about dating but to tell you that I have actually found the love of my life. How have I found the love of my life without dating? Well everyone with the stupid cliches were right, it happened when I least expected it. It happened when I wasn’t thinking it would.

It’s very strange me to actually, I know that I was in love with Marvel & that was absolutely epic at the time so it is so strange to me that there’s something that I love even more than him, something that gives me so much joy, something that actually provides me with love, with loyalty, with no thought of themselves. Something that loves me back, I can actually see the love in their eyes, I can feel it when they touch me.

I didn’t & still don’t think that there is only one love for us. That there is just one perfect person, I think that people can come & go in our lives. That we have some loves that change us & some loves that rock your world spinning it off its axis, if you’re very lucky you’ll get both from the same love.

It’s surprising to me that it actually took me so long to admit this or realise who the love of my life actually is, after all the dating, after all the heartaches & the heartbreak. I also didn’t realise it’s the only reason I ‘well up’ when something happens, I think about life ending together or think about them dying or think about anything happening, I think of them & I can actually feel myself getting too sad.

I can’t even put into words exactly how I feel & exactly how much my life has changed. They came into my life about 2 years ago, after being fired from my job, a job that I loved, that I was good at but was being bullied & harassed on a daily basis, that I started my little business, to kind of escape that & to stop taking to boys online due to not texting anyone. I was basically trying to keep busy, working really hard at everything I was doing, including looking after my health. I was writing my blog consistently back then too because I was dating so many people all who dicked me over in some way…

Then, my whole world is spun on it’s axis, it was love at first sight, I’ve never experienced anything like it before… I get the call that there are two puppies available for me, I always wanted a brother & sister pair but most breeders won’t let you have two… This was an accidental litter of a breed that I wanted so badly too… This was meant to be! I met them when they were just 36 hours old. I had spoken to the breeder the day they were born & arranged a visit to meet her & the little as soon as I could.

They were only tiny, tiny little puppies. Both of them fit in one hand. There were like little rats… I met their Mum & dad, I met their human breeder mum but I was about to be their real mum… A dream is coming true. I was smitten immediately. I wasn’t working at that time, so I was able to go out to their property & see them every week, I was so lucky that I was able to watch them grow, watch them learn to walk, learn to bark, learn to play & eat, turning into the beautiful little 8 week old puppies that I was able to bring home with me.

Now, I know this sounds ridiculous to some of you. I have never really been an animal person at all. I’ve got a almost 16 year old cat, who I got as a rebound from Boyfriend but she’s a bitch & we really don’t get along. I personally think the RSPCA fucked up giving her to me, she almost didn’t pass the test to be rehomed (this was back in the time when they euthanised animals that didn’t pass this test to be rehomed, I think.) I was a first time cat owner, also a first time pet owner. She shouldn’t have been given to me! She’s recently bit my finger so badly that I had to get a tetanus shot, my hand was so bruised & battered, that I can’t bend that finger, even almost a week later!

But…

My dogs.

My God, my dogs have changed my life. They have changed my life like you wouldn’t believe. In my house it’s usually completely spotless, something Marvel used to say to me – that my house is too clean. Well it certainly isn’t clean now, with their hair & their freaking toys, the bones, the scraps of beds all over my lounge room but they have genuinely changed everything about me. They have made me feel so safe, let’s not pretend, when they were puppies & I was adjusting to them & toilet training, especially when you’ve got two the same age, from the same litter & one pisses over there & one pisses over here, at the same time can be so frustrating, considering I still had carpet.

I genuinely think that I’m able to be single now & completely content with not chatting to boys because it doesn’t matter anymore, I’ve got two things in my life that I literally adore, things that I take to doggy daycare, that I take the dog park, that I take to the dog beach, that come with me on Christmas day to my sisters… They are spoilt rotten! They get everything that they ever could possibly want.

My boy dog looks at me like he adores me, my girl dog loves me, I know that, but she just does not have that same look. But they are always happy to see me, their tails always wagging & they do this thing where it looks like they are smiling at you. It’s so fucking cute. They groan in their sleep when they are content, they both like to touch me when they are sleeping…

I just love them so fucking much… I recently went away for work, I was chatting to M8 consistently then, then he just went quiet. The dogs were staying a someone’s house who I didn’t know, but I’d found on the Facebook page for the breed. I was home late two night & because I am doing a renovation, I decide that they can stay there two nights. I have to come home without them being here. The house is empty. The house feels broken.

It makes me realise, having being dicked over by yet another guys this year… That they are the love of my life! I genuinely think now that I don’t need to worry about finding a man because I’ve been loved. As you all know that was my biggest fear – dying without being loved. I’ve feared that I was never going to be loved by anyone & I know that regardless of what people say Marvel loves me, I can see it… I still see that, not quite like it used to be but I still see it. I feel like a weight on my shoulders has been lifted… I don’t want to be talking to any boys, I don’t want to be investing my time with someone who is just going to waste it.

It makes me sad that I am not going to have a partner in my life, it makes me sad that my puppies are the love of my life, but I am ok with it, I now feel like I can have a life without a partner. I always knew that I could, I have done for basically 16 years, the only thing that will destroy me now, is the death of a family member or the death of my dogs.

Since this realisation, I booked I for a tattoo… I didnt know what I wanted but now I do. I want 3 little paw prints on my wedding ring finger. I’m now well into my 40’s. I’m 100% never having kids, I’m clearly never getting married so my reminder everyday that I am loved & that I am loveable is on my finger. A finger I expected a diamond to be on, is now tattooed with the cat & dogs paw prints. This is also my reminder not to download a dating app when I feel sad… So far – it’s worked.

This is probably the weirdest post I’ve ever done, I would say mainly because who has the love of her life as a pet. As two pets in fact. There’s no one else, these two don’t ghost me, they don’t act like they’re too busy for me. They always want to see me, they always want to be touching me or be near me… which lets face it can be annoying, but they are the cutest! So from now on, they are the loves of my life – I have great friends but to be honest I am wanting to spend more time with my dogs than with friends. I’ve still got Marvel for sex, for now. So this is it for me.

#IBD4U