2023 : Update

No one really deserves a post of their own. As you know my dogs are the loves of my life. I genuinely don’t need to worry about messaging boys or trying to find my partner. I can look at my ring finger whenever I think I want this & see their paw prints tattooed on that finger that I always assumed would be decorated with a diamond engagement ring followed by a wedding band. A symbol that I am loved… I don’t need it, I know. But I wanted it. I wanted it for the longest time.

The dogs however, have made me very anti social. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see other people, I just want to be home with the dogs. I used to be the type of person who went to EVERYTHING. I was always the drunk obnoxious idiot, probably trying to find someone to sleep with & snapping at them when they didn’t want too, thinking that this could be the night I meet the person I am going to be with.

Most of my close girlfriends have gotten boyfriends so I barely see them or they have distanced themselves for one reason or another, for the first time in my life I don’t need validation on how many friends I have etc.

So when the boys I’ve been talking to dwindle off, I am weirded out because for the last 16 years, I have basically been texting someone – with the view that it was going to be something, but then they disappear.

Eastwood was messaging me one night before Christmas, I’d just had fairly major elective surgery, so I was in bed & he’s snapchatting me obviously drunk but at a pub sending pictures of the dance floor. I am thinking this guy is off his head – I have thought for a while that he has a drinking problem & I am now certain he has a drinking problem, he is always drunk. No judgement, I get it, I was there once in my life before.

The whole time we’re messaging, I’m thinking “Do not offer to pick him up. Do not offer to pick him up. DO NOT offer to pick him up…” I seriously don’t know why, but next minute I am in my car picking the fucking idiot up. He’s messaging but says he’s walking home – seemingly with no money to catch a taxi. I tell him to turn on his snap maps so I can see where he is. Fuck, why am I doing this? He tells me that he almost got hit by a train & I seem to put my foot down, making my shit box car go a bit faster to get him, I tell him to sit down & stay still… He sends me a snap of someone’s front garden with all the Christmas lights & I tell him not to touch the display – I can just see I’m gonna have someone’s fucking reindeer in my car & I tell him to sit down. I figure I’ll be able to find him that way… I finally get him to turn on snap maps so I can see where he is & what street at least, it was where I was aiming for but at least I can find him easily now. I pull up & he’s sitting on a retaining wall.

Eastwood stumbles the three steps to my car, getting in, he reeks of booze & kisses me hello. I kiss him back & instantly I am taken back to the times I used to do this for Boyfriend. I always was happy for him to go out with his mates & always thought what an amazing girlfriend I was for picking him & his mate up – who had to be home by midnight & I always wondered if I was more like his mates girlfriend, giving boundaries etc, maybe I wouldn’t be single? Those two are married & still are 16 years later… Don’t dwell.

As we drive home, he touches my leg & we talk easily. He’s always easy to talk too… I drop him home, pulling into his driveway, he leans over & kisses me. He’s a good kisser, I’ll give him that, but his dog is going mental, it’s almost 1:00am & so I tell him that he should go, he of course invites me in… I want to go in but I tell him I have to be up early – which isn’t a lie. When I get home he’s messaging me telling me he’s coming over to mine, getting in his car & coming over. I spend a while watching his location but fall asleep. In the morning I see no messages from him but check the motion sensors in my camera as they went off, but he didn’t come over, hopefully he just passed out… I don’t think this guy is my forever, I think he is interested in someone he works with anyway.

After that night, the chat dwindles to nothing. He usually replies to every snap chat story I post, which is usually daily. But I start getting nothing back & I am a bit meh about that, I didn’t want to stop talking to him or stop seeing him really, I mean it was what it was & I guess it ran it’s course. I often think I should just message & say “you’ve been quiet” but he knows where I am & I’m sick of being that loser that chases the guys all the fucking time, for a minute of their time. I had explained about that night & why I didn’t go inside with him, but it makes no difference.

Plumber is another who has dwindled into thin air & I’m not upset, besides the fact I just spent $400 on an actual plumber to do one of the jobs this guy said he’d do for me. So Plumber will message & be consistent for a few hours then nothing for weeks. I’ll get a snapchat every now & then & he looks at all my stories as well, but when we’re chatting I ask if he can come move the tap, he says yeah next weekend.

Next weekend comes, so I ask when he can come – oh funny but he doesn’t read it or click on my message but continues to stalk my stories. Fuck you wanker. This is from a guy who constantly tells me “If we were together we’d have a pretty sexual relationship” & will then tell me about all the things we’d do, also says that he’ll do things to me when he comes to do my plumbing work. I call his bluff again & say that he can have that he can have me if he was single & his reply is “one day #IBD4U one day”… Like fucking hell we will. He even says to me at one point “If I was single I would be with u… but u’d push me away and annoy me with silly things but weed be together I think” LIKE WHAT?! This guy has the audacity to say I’m confusing – maybe I am, but why the fuck does he think we’ll be so great together, yet clearly doesn’t want to leave his partner. I don’t delete people because I like to see how long they will stalk me for but this guy needs to go.

I post on my story showing the tap moved etc as I think this will prompt a snap message from him but it doesn’t. It’s probably for the best, this guy is majorly confusing & constantly dangling the carrot that there is something there for him, when clearly there isn’t.

Someone you haven’t heard about in a long time is Maloo… He was a guy from a long time ago that found a partner, had a couple of kids & now he says they’re not together but his sister still tags her on FB posts. So who knows. I am not getting involved. My feelings haven’t changed on this one, he is the sweetest guy but physically I am not attracted to him & he also had his chance before he met the woman he had two kids with & he didn’t take it.

Anyway, he’s been messaging quite consistently & like Plumber, says shit about what it’d be like if we were a couple… Like are you kidding me. I guess the thing I find interesting is that I used to start overthinking & planning our life that we might have if we were together. Yet as much as that stupid overthink day dream isn’t something I want – it clearly is just a fantasy for these two. They’re in relationships with people they don’t want to be with but are too stupid to leave for whatever their reasons. I’m not judging of course because I understand what it’s like not to let someone go, even if you don’t like them. I try not to engage to much with Maloo on chat, but he sends snaps every day.

Dom Dom is another guy who has become someone I am happy to chat too, but its really changed dynamic. He used to be this dominant type of guy in my DM’s but now it’s like he’s so needy for my attention that it just turns me off, in a way. When I don’t write back quick enough sometimes, he’ll then spiral & ask if I want to delete him. He’ll ask why I don’t just block him if I am not interested.

He wants me to fuck him so badly, but I am just not interested. Not only do I not want to fuck married men – even though I have had in the past sex with him, I am just not that into him or so attracted to him that I am willing to put myself out there for him – I don’t want to get mentally hurt again, as it would 100% happen.

He does ask me something intriguing & that is if I would ask him to leave his wife. The answer is the same as it was for Noodle… I would never ask them to leave. As much as I wanted to beg Noodle back then to leave her, I knew that he had to leave without the idea that I would be there – I wanted no resentment if we didn’t work work out. & look Noodle chose to stay – maybe because I didn’t beg him, maybe because no matter what he wasn’t going to leave, who knows… I don’t know what Dom Dom’s deal is but when he says that he’s not happy, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with him because I’ve never entertained the idea…

Recently though his neediness is unsexy – because he’s obviously not getting from his wife what he needs sexually or emotionally now so he had me at one stage for his jerking off fantasies, he’d call, he’d jerk off & in a moment of weakness he’s had me physically. I guess he was getting a bit from me emotionally at one stage, particularly when I was in a terrible place after the Noodle saga. But now I am realising that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when his wife isn’t around or when she’s sitting next to him on the couch not touching him as apparently she quite often does when the kids are in bed. As much as we talk about it, he just doesn’t 100% get it… More on this in another post!

J-Lo well… Fuck me this guy has been a constant for so many years. We’ve chatted about so many things. In December he rocks up at my house one morning & I am not in the mood to “cuddle” with him. He doesn’t get it either, he doesn’t get what he wants from his partner, that doesn’t mean that I am the back up. It’s awkward as he tries to get me to go back to bed to lie down with him, but I say no & he says he has to go. Imagine how long I would’ve got a cuddle if he was needing to go.

Later I try to explain to him that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when he wants too & he snaps at me that he is not going to be my punching bag when I am in a bad mood… Rightio then, I didn’t realise that expressing my feelings about being second best when he has time was making him a punching bag… I genuinely wasn’t having a go at him, I just just trying to remind him about the day he came over when I was emotionally unstable & didn’t want him to hug me, but he did & I cried, then when he got what he wanted he jumped up & left. I was left alone & feeling even worse than I was… Now I am a strong woman so I picked myself up after that & moved on, then didn’t cry again for my usual 2 years or so, but deep down that scared me.

At this point, we haven’t spoken for a few weeks, I am sad about that. But to be honest, I just whinge about how fat I feel & how much it sucks to be single & he whinges about how little sex he gets & how much child support he has to pay. It’s just become an unhealthy daily chat that is a round-a-bout of the same topics over & over again… I have genuinely missed it but if I am honest, I haven’t also. As much as I value this friendship we seem to not give each other what we want…

So there you have it, an update about the men I’ve written about recently. As you can see nothing has changed with them, but I think that I have changed dramatically. I am not willing to be some side piece for them when they feel like it & clearly they don’t like this side of me. The side that realises I deserve much more than they are willing to give me.

#IBD4U