Month: May 2021

Another shorter post of you… You’ll remember at the end of the previous post I said “this is what the universe gives me when I try to move on.” At this time we not only have Covid-19 shutting everything down, we are starting to work from home. Remember I live alone with my anti social 14 year old cat. While working from home seemed like a great idea & I couldn’t wait, I am isolated even more without the social aspect of going into work everyday. Things aren’t good for me prior to this anyway at work. My hobby business is shut down, making me homebound even more. I know it sucked for everyone, I’m not saying I was worse off than others, I am just trying to explain for those living alone, there were some days I didn’t even open my mouth to speak… It’s an odd feeling you know, when you realise you didn’t utter a single word to another human being all day & not by choice.

This is very sadly for me the last I ever interact with rope in this way… It was something I enjoyed, it was something that I liked because it was the only time in my day when my mind just completely switched off & I thought of nothing when I was being tied. I didn’t think about boys, I didn’t think about work troubles or money woes. My mind for the first time ever was completely blank when I was participating in rope workshops or classes. Covid-19 obviously had a lot to do with it being over for me, I mean shortly after this everything was closed down anyway for a period, then when they reopened it was almost like they did it to exclude people they didn’t want in their elite club, you couldn’t attend unless you had a partner. They wouldn’t pair singles anymore… Also ironically after this I never get an email to renew my membership so I never go back even after covid. But by this time I have my little hobby beauty business to keep me occupied – but of course it was shut down for 3 months.

Boss posts on Facebook for someone to do classes with as his partner is pregnant & so she can’t do it. I say I am free & he messages me & says that he thought of me & wondered if I was free on the weekends of the fringe & so I agree. This year I decide not to go to any of the shows, not really knowing anyone or feeling welcome anyway. I mean I am tying/roping with one most respected rope people in Adelaide & yet somehow it is still awkward as fuck. Even people I was good friends with don’t even acknowledge my presence. I spend the lunch breaks alone, feeling awkward as they go as a group to buy lunch, excluding me from the opportunity to eat with them…

Look I am not saying everyone has to like me just because I think I am wonderful (Bahaha) but there is being polite & there is just plain fucking rude. To be honest the air was toxic & I wouldn’t have hung around for lunch with them but they literally went out, got lunch from the supermarket & made it in front of me. Is that weird or am I being too sensitive here?! I still don’t know why this group hates me so, even though others know. I assume I’ll never find out.

Anyway I enjoy the rope part, but I don’t enjoy the driving to Port Adelaide everyday & feeling like an outsider but the rope part pushes me to some limits I didn’t know I could go too… I had lost more weight recently with work issues that I was fitter than I had ever been. I wasn’t as self-conscious & was really able to let go & enjoy being tied up. I’m sad that chapter is over, it’s a bit of a bittersweet ending to something I liked to do. But I have enough negativity in my life, I don’t need more.

I leave the Facebook rope & kink groups & as you know, I never get an email inviting me to renew my membership. I leave that all behind. I even delete my fetlife account, knowing that Silverlining doesn’t have his anymore & knowing that I just don’t feel like I am going to find someone ever again that I will enjoy this level of kink with….

More hurt washes over me, I know that Silverlining wouldn’t be interested in rope but it when stuff like this happens. I get so sad… Combined with the crazy world around us that was 2020, I am barely holding anything together…

I am not going to wait around for these people to see the real me, if they’re all going to let something that happened at a party a year ago define what they think of me, when everyone is to gutless to confront me about it, I am done with this group of people, I will not let them hurt my feelings anymore.

#IBD4U

I’m going to do a few short posts in the next few releases of blogs as I have a few little stories to get out… So I may post on random days not just Sunday’s as I have been – It will always be a Friday, Sunday or Tuesday but keep an eye out! Or better yet, subscribe via email & it’ll come straight to your inbox.

So while these little stories don’t seem significant, just wait to you read the end of this one & keep in mind I actually had to live through this in real time… This is why these stories are significant to things that happen, happened & what my thought process is…

So lets get back to some things that crossed over my timeline with T**y & also at the end of 2019. All the root cause for me saying I’m not dating in 2020. However I am still not 100% sure how or if I am going to go into details about 2020 & 2021 – I really need a consultant to help me make some decisions… Hahaha! I did post on Facebook & you all said to write as if I would if no one were reading, so I will do my best for you all!

This dude – Baker, I’m chatting to on a dating site & he seems a bit younger but when we talk about our histories to do with being overweight, we seem to find stuff in common, so we chat easily.

He’s a baker (As if you didn’t already know that! Hahaha) he is already home from work messaging me saying he should go to sleep, that he’s been awake at work all night. But I am out north side of town for work, when we’re messaging & I tell him I am looking for somewhere to go for lunch & he says that he’ll come meet me… WELL FUCK. I am in a shopping complex not in a date outfit but a more dressy than my usual work outfits, a white long French Connection skirt & navy no brand top, I’ve actually done my makeup today – which is also unusual, so I look good, I feel good so I think why the hell not. I like to meet people quickly so I don’t start dreaming up our relationship in my head. We’ve only been chatting a few days so it’s fairly new & interesting, I am not out north a lot, nor do I have time for lunch breaks often so I think this is the perfect opportunity & if it goes badly, then I have an out as I have to get back to work!

We meet in a café, but he’s late & so I happen to get out my work laptop & do some work while waiting. I look pretentious, it’s not something I do often but I have work to do. When he arrives, only a couple of minutes late, I struggle to put my laptop away & look at the menu, then going up to order. It’s always awkward in a café, who pays… I am first so I just pay for my own & sit back down. I get a big breakfast like a fat bitch & he gets loaded fries – which he barely eats any of & I basically finish mine as I love a good breakfast platter for lunch!

Maybe the sight of a woman actually eating turned him off or maybe because he was tired – even though he rocked up looking like he is a homeless person saying he’s going on a hike, but this guy could not be less interested to chat to me on this date. He does talk about smoking weed, which isn’t my thing so maybe he’s just stoned?! I don’t know what it is but I give up trying to have a conversation with him & just let the silence be awkward while we eat. This is when he realises that I am doing all the talking & when I shut my mouth he sort of tries to have a reasonable conversation but I can tell he is either stoned, doesn’t care about this date or both. I realise that I don’t care either, I shouldn’t even be on this date. He’s a bore & I’m clearly not his type. That’s fine I am not hurt about it but I make the excuse that I need to get back to work he talks about a going on a hike. He walks me halfway to my car then says he has to go another way, so I just wave goodbye, knowing there is no chemistry with this guy, not even a tiny spark.

I never hear from him again & I never message him either… No love lost. But as I walk away, my heart aches. If fucking aches. Not for this guy of course… This guy is nothing to me. Just another story to tell you all about why & how I am still so fucking in love with Silverlining… This is what the universe gives me when I try to move on, when I try to forget him… I get some dickhead that can’t even act interested in me when on a date…

#IBD4U

I don’t want to dwell on this story, we all know that it doesn’t end well, right? I mean the psychic had it very FUCKING wrong. Well, maybe she didn’t because this guy’s name isn’t actually T**y. I am not sure what pisses me off more, the fact that this guy lied to me, or that fact that I used this pseudonym for a douche not named T**y?!

So I’m going to do something unusual for me & lets get this story over with & stop wasting our time with a douche, however in real time, I spent another month or so with this story… So I’ll give you the abridged version because honestly none of this deserves our time. First to set you straight, I never get any money from him. I don’t think I would have taken it anyway, I’m not that type of person but it was interesting seeing the poll on Facebook. But I never get the chance to reject it even though I told him I wanted $2k to keep my mouth shut as a joke. Hahaha…

The following week I see him & he brings back my blanket, he seriously has ADHD & he says that his partner say that to him a lot too… Ok so now he’s comfortable enough to talk about her with me. He tells me bullshit about liking talking to me & being able to talk about her with me, which he tells me a lot about how he’s a nurse, I already know what she looks like, she’s not a slim as I thought he would be with but she is the porcelain doll made up look in every photo on Facebook – the look literally every guy I’ve ever been with ends up with after me.

This night, not only does he bring a plate of food, mash potato, meat & veg on a plate with no glad wrap, that he’s driven to my house plus a stein & cutlery, T**y eats his dinner at my kitchen bench while we chat & drink some beer. I am so short & curt with him, all I want is my blanket back & for this dude to get out of my life. However loneliness & heartbreak will do weird things to you. I actually like this guy if you put the lies aside. He’s funny, easy to talk to & taking up some of my mental space to stop me overthinking.

He decides to start moving my things around to redecorate my house, moving plants & nick nacks, which I just follow him around & put them back where they were as we all know his styling is fucking batshit crazy! So I tell him to stop & he wants to go for a drive, I am not driving as I have had a couple of drinks. To be honest, when I look back he shouldn’t have been driving, but when he says he has her car, I say absolutely not. First, one thing I am always reminded of is my smell. Silverlining always was worried about my smell lingering, I got self-conscious to the point I was thinking I stink like shit, but Silverlining says it was my perfume that he likes it but he smells it on himself later even after he’s showered. (Yes my signature smell has worked!) T** y & I don’t go for a drive, which is a good idea & then as he leaves, with no sex, he tells me that he’ll message tomorrow.

The next morning in a small foggy haze of a hangover, I realise the mother fucker has left his plate, stein & fork in my sink. I put them in the dishwasher & wait for the message that never ever comes. I can’t even be bothered but they sit on my bench for over a week when we finally arrange to catch up. He has a new car. His house has sold & he has the money (I am not sure how he got the money so quickly but I don’t even care or ask) of course I never see any of it. We hang out & chat, we do go for a drive in his new car, when he drops me off he doesn’t come inside & I’ve made sure that he has his crap off my bench. Again as I get out the car, I give him a quick kiss, he says he’ll message but I never hear from him again.

That was the last time I ever saw him… Like Jack slipping away into the Atlantic ocean from the sinking of the titanic, I felt T**y slip away… Not a bad thing, but I am lonely…

Well you think that is the end?! You’re very mistaken!

Of course what is a story from #IBD4U without a little drama… I mean ghosting, pfft, that’s what men do all the time. So what does T**y do? Leaves his phone out for his girlfriend to find, doesn’t he?! Yes you guessed it, T**y starts messaging me one day, but the messages are weird & I sense that something isn’t right. When he starts asking what he’s done wrong when I call him an idiot & then she reveals it’s her texting & sends me another number to text, I tell them to leave me out of their games & put my phone down. These people have screws loose & I don’t want to be part of it anymore.

I am not messaging the number whoever is texting me gave me, I figure that she now has my number, if she wants to message me, then she can but otherwise I am out of this equation… Seriously, can my life be any more ridiculous?!

I’m not sure if I mentioned this but during the time I ended things with Silverlining (AKA the second affair) but before I met T**y I swore off dating, so I threw myself into learning some new skills doing eyelash extensions to keep my mind busy. Also during this time, much to my psychologist disgust, I get addicted to a farm game on my phone as well. Both these hobbies get me through some tough stuff at work & help me though the loneliness of not having anyone to talk to about the shit going on. So as any beauty business, they were all shut down in March 2020 for a period of 3 months. But on this night, when I am doing my lash removals, of lashes I have spent hours putting on my friends & family, I get home exhausted mentally & emotionally when I get a call… It’s almost midnight. I don’t know the number but somehow it’s familiar… It’s her. It’s T**y’s partner. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I ignore. I ignore again. I ignore again. So she starts texting me asking me to tell her the truth. It takes me ages to reply & I only do because she starts ringing me again. I secretly as happy that when Noodle’s wife wrote down my number, she had it wrong because I don’t know how I should handle this situation.

I finally answer the phone but don’t speak, I don’t even say hello & she’s sobbing. She starts talking, I don’t even remember what she says exactly, but she tells me that he’s cheated on her before & they’ve been together only 6 months (He told me that), she tells me that he’s told her that she’s not to give me any money (WTF!), she says that I should get STI checks but she’s clean, she tells me that he’s on drugs & I should be careful that he knows people who will hurt me, she begs me over & over to just tell her what happened between him & I… I say to her “Look ****, you’re obviously a smart woman, you’re a nurse, you wouldn’t be on the phone to a stranger at midnight on a Wednesday night if you didn’t already know what happened” She asks how I know she’s a nurse & her name, because he told me that’s how he’s free at night.

She then tells me he’s up, coming into the room & puts me on speaker phone but the phone goes dead, I was about to hang up anyway, I mean come on people, do I really want to be involved in a three way phone conversation? Fuck no.

I put down my phone & get inundated up until 3am with calls & text from T**y’s phone & from her number too, saying I better tell her the truth & I should watch out. Between every text message is a couple of missed calls.

Thankfully, even though I put up a security camera out the front of my house that weekend, I am thankful that is the last time I ever hear from either of them again. I believe they stayed together for a while, but I think they have broken up now.

Thank god that chapter is over, but never a dull moment in my life, right?!

#IBD4U

A few weeks ago, a very good friend of mine, told me she believes that I am judgemental. This got me thinking as I have always thought that I am pretty open minded & I don’t think I judge anyone at all, I mean if you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that I am the last person that should be judging anyone!

However it’s struck a cord with me as she did reference my blog & things I say out loud to her. When I am discussing why people do what they do to my close friend, I am not at all intending that to be judgement. Especially when I say “How can she stay with him?” (Mainly about Silverlining’s wife. That is not me meaning to be judgemental, that is me simply asking the question out to the universe! I guess the question that I don’t ask out loud at the same time, but I constantly think is “How can I still want him after everything?” I understand why she’s holding on, they have history, a family, a life together so my question is hypothetical… What I had with his, was a dream, a fantasy of what we could have had. So I want to be clear that I am not judging.

I also want to be clear if I describing how someone’s house looks or their appearance, I am just simply trying to paint a picture. I am not judging anyone or meaning to seem judgmental. I mean I have told you before, I have what my friends call a show home – people are afraid to bring their kids to my house (which I find silly but I get why they wouldn’t want too) but I grew up in a hoarders house, my parents are still hoarders. I didn’t come from money or a home where we have everything packed away, so again if I am describing the ins & outs of someone’s house or car, I am not trying to be judgy, I am simply trying to paint the picture.

I honestly thought that was what I was doing with a my friends too, but obviously I am coming across as a judgmental bitch. This is not my intention of my blog or my words. I am not going to pretend that I don’t know that what I say & how I say it could be perceived as judgemental, but it’s not my intention.

I am far from perfect, I am far from being fault free… I am me & I have made mistakes. I don’t have a poker face. I write as if I am speaking to you & telling you the story in person. I don’t change the way I am, I am finding out lately that sometimes that means walking away from some friendships that you’ve had for many years… Sometimes that means giving someone another chance…

But just know, that I do genuinely know I am a good person who has done some wrong things, no one is perfect. No one is always on their best behaviour. But I am me, I am trying to be the best I can while sharing my inner most thoughts with you…

I hope this ramble makes sense. A few things have happened lately that I am evaluating my friendships, evaluating my love life.

To give you a small spoiler update, you all know from another post that I lost my previous job in 2020, a job I was good at, a job I loved. After a year of finding myself again I have recently gained full time employment in the field that I have been working towards for about 8 or 9 years. Something that has been dangled in front of my eyes so many times & taken away… So I say to anyone who’s dreams keep getting squashed, to keep aiming for those stars, because you will reach them if you never alter your dream to suit someone else… Now only if I could be as successful in my relationships! Hahaha!

Keep reading to find out what else happens with me!

#IBD4U