Another shorter post of you… You’ll remember at the end of the previous post I said “this is what the universe gives me when I try to move on.” At this time we not only have Covid-19 shutting everything down, we are starting to work from home. Remember I live alone with my anti social 14 year old cat. While working from home seemed like a great idea & I couldn’t wait, I am isolated even more without the social aspect of going into work everyday. Things aren’t good for me prior to this anyway at work. My hobby business is shut down, making me homebound even more. I know it sucked for everyone, I’m not saying I was worse off than others, I am just trying to explain for those living alone, there were some days I didn’t even open my mouth to speak… It’s an odd feeling you know, when you realise you didn’t utter a single word to another human being all day & not by choice.
This is very sadly for me the last I ever interact with rope in this way… It was something I enjoyed, it was something that I liked because it was the only time in my day when my mind just completely switched off & I thought of nothing when I was being tied. I didn’t think about boys, I didn’t think about work troubles or money woes. My mind for the first time ever was completely blank when I was participating in rope workshops or classes. Covid-19 obviously had a lot to do with it being over for me, I mean shortly after this everything was closed down anyway for a period, then when they reopened it was almost like they did it to exclude people they didn’t want in their elite club, you couldn’t attend unless you had a partner. They wouldn’t pair singles anymore… Also ironically after this I never get an email to renew my membership so I never go back even after covid. But by this time I have my little hobby beauty business to keep me occupied – but of course it was shut down for 3 months.
Boss posts on Facebook for someone to do classes with as his partner is pregnant & so she can’t do it. I say I am free & he messages me & says that he thought of me & wondered if I was free on the weekends of the fringe & so I agree. This year I decide not to go to any of the shows, not really knowing anyone or feeling welcome anyway. I mean I am tying/roping with one most respected rope people in Adelaide & yet somehow it is still awkward as fuck. Even people I was good friends with don’t even acknowledge my presence. I spend the lunch breaks alone, feeling awkward as they go as a group to buy lunch, excluding me from the opportunity to eat with them…
Look I am not saying everyone has to like me just because I think I am wonderful (Bahaha) but there is being polite & there is just plain fucking rude. To be honest the air was toxic & I wouldn’t have hung around for lunch with them but they literally went out, got lunch from the supermarket & made it in front of me. Is that weird or am I being too sensitive here?! I still don’t know why this group hates me so, even though others know. I assume I’ll never find out.
Anyway I enjoy the rope part, but I don’t enjoy the driving to Port Adelaide everyday & feeling like an outsider but the rope part pushes me to some limits I didn’t know I could go too… I had lost more weight recently with work issues that I was fitter than I had ever been. I wasn’t as self-conscious & was really able to let go & enjoy being tied up. I’m sad that chapter is over, it’s a bit of a bittersweet ending to something I liked to do. But I have enough negativity in my life, I don’t need more.
I leave the Facebook rope & kink groups & as you know, I never get an email inviting me to renew my membership. I leave that all behind. I even delete my fetlife account, knowing that Silverlining doesn’t have his anymore & knowing that I just don’t feel like I am going to find someone ever again that I will enjoy this level of kink with….
More hurt washes over me, I know that Silverlining wouldn’t be interested in rope but it when stuff like this happens. I get so sad… Combined with the crazy world around us that was 2020, I am barely holding anything together…
I am not going to wait around for these people to see the real me, if they’re all going to let something that happened at a party a year ago define what they think of me, when everyone is to gutless to confront me about it, I am done with this group of people, I will not let them hurt my feelings anymore.