I had a crush on a guy, for the first time in a very long time but what is a crush? The Urban Dictionary defines a crush as: a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special. Is it really a desire or is it just an over thinkers nightmare?

Personally I am a major over thinker, ask my friends, I think they get sick of me talking their ears off about the same scenario over & over. With every guy that dicked me around I would analyse what they said, what I did, what I could have done differently, what was my fantasy scenario if I had of done that differently… Jeez, no wonder my head is always at the point of explosion!

But what is the point of a crush? With all the idiots that I’ve dated I was at a point where I just couldn’t bring myself to make the first move & so there is no way I could approach a crush! I envy those people who would; they’d say “what have you got to lose?” I can only reply, nothing but dignity! I’m not a shy quiet person by any means but when it comes to men that I like I become super shy & act like an idiot, I feel like it really takes a while to get to know me properly, so approaching a crush would be crippling for me. I would be like Chandler Bing from Friends saying “blarh blarh, flannin!”

I play the scenario in my head, we would meet in the lift (our usual place that we bump into each other), he would smile at me, I would smile back admiring his brown unruly hair, we would chat, the conversation would get a little flirty & in the 20 seconds it takes to get to the third floor, he would ask me out for a drink, I would accept & he’d say he’d email me later in the day to confirm. Of course as soon as my computer has booted up, my email would ping alerting me that my crush had sent me the confirmation email, complete with ‘can’t wait!Ha! In your dreams IBD4U!


So my question is this, is it really a crush if you are never going to act on it? I mean I like this guy, we’ve interacted a tiny bit at work but we work on different floors, we’re polite as we walk in the building but stalkbooking them & knowing their schedule so you can arrive at work at the same time just so you can say hello, doesn’t necessarily make you a match made in heaven, that just makes you a stalker?

I think Urban Dictionary should change the meaning of crush to: a human who lightly stalks another human in the hopes of an insignificant interaction, that will probably go nowhere because one human in too chicken & the other human is completely unaware!



After my boyfriend moved out of the house we owned together, I decided that it would be a good idea to get a roommate, help with the mortgage & also maybe make some new friends as I was in a pretty low place in my life.

I advertised in the local newspaper & two boys called, one was 18 years old & the other my age, however he never got back to me, so I asked the 18 year old to move in, by the time he was settled the other guy asked if he could move in too, both of them agreed so I ended up with two boy roommates. Big Mistake!

It was also about the time my friend dumped her fiancé & we started partying together a lot. Both going through similar things, we went out every weekend & also some week nights. We partied with my roommates too, inviting them to her birthday party at the local pub near our houses.

It didn’t take long for me to get pissed off with the boys & asked them to move out & I started looking for a rental myself to get out of the house that had so many memories of me & my ex. I planned to live in a unit & rent out my house. The youngest roommate left first & so one night when my cousin was over, the remaining roommate had a friend over, who I ended up having sex with somehow, I don’t really remember how that happened, but I know it was on the living room floor as my cousin was in my bed. I did have to tell him to get off me because I was starting to chaff & he was taking too long!


A few weeks later, out one night with my friend, the roommate & another of his friends, we come home to my house & he says he’s going to come cuddle me, just give him a minute. Not sure what he needed a minute for, but anyway he came into my room, we cuddled & he tried to have sex with me but also wasn’t very good & struggled to keep himself hard. He acted like the girl in the scenario in the morning, making his friend come over, almost to chaperone like I wanted to go back there with him or something. He moved out & I never saw him again.

Five years pass by & who should pop on online dating as a prospect? My friend popped over & I told her who he was & she swiped right & we were a mutual match. We chatted a little, I was wondering if he knew who I was, but after asking me for a blow job, he promptly deleted me, so I guess I’ll never know if he actually knew it was me, or maybe that’s why he deleted me because he realised. It’s funny how tiny Adelaide really is!



Marlborough was one of the first guys I ever met up with from online. We texted & chatted on the phone for about an hour, I remember him saying ‘how easy it was to talk to me’. We met for coffee & a movie, he was quite late, but text me that he was stuck in traffic so I bought my hot chocolate so I wasn’t sitting there like a loser. He showed up (thank god) & the date went well, we were laughing easily over the selection in the candy bar. He paid for the movie which was sweet, I tried to pay for the candy bar selection but wasn’t allowed to do that either. At the end of the movie, he suggested another coffee which he paid for, during which he tried to set up another date for Thursday but I couldn’t commit as I wasn’t sure what I was doing (this was before electronic diaries!) but I said I wanted to & we would work out a time.

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, kissing me properly goodbye, my first proper kiss in a really long time & by the time I got home, he’d texted to make sure I got home safe & to let me know he had a good night, making me swoon in the process. I actually really liked this guy & I really think he likes me, this could be it! He is really everything I am looking for.

Marlborough texted a little & we arranged “to do something” one night after work, as no plans were set in stone, when I hadn’t heard from him on the Wednesday, I texted with no response, but because we’d talked about the possibility of Thursday night, I got ready early in the morning for a date for that evening, knowing I wouldn’t have time to get home & back down the hill. I again texted on Thursday about lunch time to start to arrange this date & starting to feel a little needy but still no response. I felt like crying at 5pm when I got in my car to drive home alone, but halfway up the expressway, he calls, I can’t answer while driving, so I let it go to voice mail. I listened when I got home, He said “sorry blah blah blah, I left my phone at my mum’s on Wednesday night, she lives far away so only just got it back now blah blah blah” I text him to let me know when he is free again for this date & I never hear from him again!


To analyse this guy was quite easy, well according to my friend it was, he was obviously dating me & another girl & things with the other girl went better so he dicked me around while he worked out which one of us he liked better… Great analysis & probably very true but I’m not sure it helps me feel any better! Or is it because I didn’t commit to the second date while we were on the first one? I guess I’ll never know what happened with this one!


House Arrest

I met ‘House Arrest‘ on a beautiful summer’s night at an outdoor type bar, I was actually feeling good about myself for a change & was practically wearing a piece of underwear as a top but had never felt better when two guys started talking to my friend & I. One was better looking that the other, but the better looking one was so over the top & continually talked about himself while the other one was quite shy. House Arrest was the latter & when he went to the toilet the obnoxious friend asked me for my phone number so he could pass it on to his friend, who had hardly spoken a word to us, I thought it was a weird set up, but reluctantly I agreed, with my friend egging me on.

House Arrest texted the next day & we arranged our first date, I had an idea in my head of where I wanted to go for our first date, I didn’t think that I would end up going for a drink back at the same bar at 5pm, he said he lived close by so it was convenient, yeah for him! If all went well, then I figured dinner would be on the cards, Nope! He had to rush home to cook dinner, I still had a quarter a glass of wine when he stood up looking at me, saying with his eyes ‘I have to go.’ I skulled my wine, thinking ‘What the hell…?’ By the time I got home, he had texted me to say he had fun… Really?

I persevered with this guy, we set up another date, to go to the movies at Marion, which is still close to where he lives, we met for the movie & I thought we’d grab dinner or a coffee afterwards, Nope! He scurried off making some excuse about why he had to be home. Yet still by the time I got home, he’d text me again & said what a great time he’d had. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, so far we’d been on two dates that lasted exactly two hours before he rushed off making an excuse & hadn’t even kissed me.

When he suggested dinner at the same bloody bar for our third date, I kept thinking ‘Dude are you ever going to suggest anywhere else?’ I tried suggesting other places, but he was keen to stay close to when he lived. That third date night, we ate dinner, then he rapidly said he had to go home, being awkward in the car park, not sure if he should kiss me or not, he opted for a kiss on the cheek. Again I got the ‘I had a great time text’ by the time I got home. I just couldn’t figure this guy out, if he really had a great time, why wouldn’t he want them to go on?

We tried to find each other at a German Festival but failed…What is it about that German festival? I never saw him again after that & he didn’t text much either, I didn’t pursue him, it wasn’t until I hashed it out with a friend that I realised we only ever had two hours dates, then he rushed off & they were all only minutes from his house… Was this guy under house arrest? I didn’t stick around to find out!

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Crisp Shirt

After losing some weight & feeling a bit better about myself, I’m at work in a complete man free zone, all of them were married or gay, that I didn’t even think that it would be possible to meet a man in that office. But it all happened so subtly that I didn’t even know anything was happening, Crisp Shirt came over from Canberra to facilitate some training & as I was appointed the subject matter expert in the team, I had to spend the two days he was here with him in the training room.

It all really started when I realised we both had the same phone, now this doesn’t seem like the most amazing thing, but being that everyone had an iPhone, however I am a sworn BlackBerry fan, at this time I had a BlackBerry Torch (a slider Qwerty phone) which I was in love with more than life itself & since he had the same phone & completely hated iPhone & Apple. I just thought it was just a coincidence & was probably the only thing we’d have in common as he was an executive from Canberra & I was just a pleb in Adelaide. I didn’t think too much of our interaction until my friend said she “saw a little glimmer in his eye” after he came into the lunch room & we flirted a little over our BlackBerry. But I still didn’t believe that this CEO looking man could be interested in me.

After Crisp Shirt went back to Canberra I wasn’t surprised to get a ‘Thank you’ type email for all the work I’d done while he was here. I mentioned it to my friend over lunch one say & she giggled like a school girl & brought a gay colleague over & asked him “Did Crisp Shirt ever email you after he was here for your subject matter expert training?” The colleague cracked up laughing “No never!” he shouted “Why, what happened?” To which I went bright red & they read my email from Crisp Shirt. I went bright red because I’d already responded with a ‘good to meet you too’ type response, thinking he’d written one of those emails to all staff who were the Subject Matter Expert for him. OMG.

It didn’t take long for the contact to escalate to daily emails back & forth all day long & before long, I was typing out my mobile phone number via email for him, to which he instantly uses. It’s really fun for a while, I actually liked him even though he was in another state. It wasn’t until the first time it took me 40 mins (as I was driving home from work) to reply to his text, which is when he starts to unravel & show his true colours. He started texting every 2 minutes to find out where I was, why I hadn’t replied, who I was with, what was I doing. None of this made sense to me, it would probably never work between us anyway, he lived in another state why was he being so jealous?

It was about the time that too that he said he’d fly over for my 32nd birthday, I was having a few friends over for drinks & he invited himself & thought that he’d just fly over. If it wasn’t for all the crazy texts earlier in the week, I might have said yes, but was he serious about flying all the way over here to meet my close friends & a few family members when we’d never even been on a date? Where would he stay? At my place? How would I explain that to my family? I let this guy loose after that, I didn’t need a long distance relationship with a dose of paranoia. Crisp Shirt.jpg


Rom Com

If you’re a single woman, around 30 or any age really, who likes romantic comedies then you probably have made up your own romantic comedy fantasy scene with the perfect guy & imagined it 1000 different ways, how it would go if you ever got the chance, what you would both say & of course it will always end with a happily ever after finale type kiss in the rain. Well I am no different to you! As a self-confessed over thinker I can’t help but play out every scenario in my head & relive it anytime I am bored or alone.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my perfect romantic comedy scenario would become some other woman’s real life story. Why was she so lucky to end up with my romantic comedy? What did she have that I didn’t?

See the story goes I was invited to a wedding overseas, where this single guy would also be attending, but as it got closer to RSVP date, I realised that I’d never be able to afford to go. As one of my friend’s husbands is an unscheduled ‘fly in, fly out’ worker she was worried he’d be away for the wedding & she asked if I would mind being the back up for him & since it was all paid for, she said I didn’t need to worry about the money. Of course my mind goes into overdrive, I imagine that I get the spare ticket, which then makes me plan out how this guy & I are going to get together or how our friends might try to get us together while we’re away.

Rom Com.jpg

It goes like this: as the only single ones there, we seem to stay out the latest at the bar, drinking & laughing, then he’d walk me back to my room but he’d kiss me in the elevator, hot & steamy, he’d say something like ‘you’re so sexy, I want you here’ I’d melt & follow him linked fingers back to his room where we’d have the best sex of my life. He’d wake me up early as the sun was coming up through the windows of sheer curtains blowing in the wind, to more mind blowing sex & he’d be the one to define what is going on between us ‘I don’t want you to be a one night stand IBD4U, but you are sharing a room with my sister’ I’d throw the sheet off in a panic, realising what I’d done, where I was & I’d fumble around for my clothes, while he leans back against the pillows, looking sexy, with the ‘just fucked hair’ look. I’d be the one to want to hide it from our friends for the duration of the trip & for the wedding. (To see where this is going & not wanting them all to make a big deal of it). He’d be the one to chase me when we got home, wanting to take me out on dates & ask me to be his girlfriend… SWOON!


Now I’m not sure of the ins & outs of their meeting, but when I heard that they met during the trip, my heart sank. Even though he hasn’t been my crush for a very long time, for some warped reason it reignites my feelings, only now I feel crap because he is happy with her & I’m still single! Now I am thinking what if I saved enough money to go to the wedding? What if I got the spare ticket? What if I was at my goal weight when we first met a few years earlier? But in reality, none of it matters because there was no attraction for him to me so we were never going to work out, yet there will always be a small part of me that wished like hell that he did.