M8 #4

I have instant disappointment. Fuck. I lay there unable to move with my hands over my face, willing my legs to move. He asks if I’m ok, I say I am, because I am, I just realise what a fucking mistake I’ve just made. I don’t regret it, I never regret anything, it’s the choice I made in the moment, but I wish now that I had of resisted! This is fucked. I hate this feeling… How do other women fuck a guy & end up being in a relationship with them, I do it & they run away before I can even stand up… Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I get up & get dressed, even though I can barely move my legs. I’m feeling like a fuckwit. An actual fucking idiot. I was played, by a guy I genuinely didn’t think would play me. Fuck, I’m so stupid. Like this is the most stupid I’ve ever been… Why would I think this guy wouldn’t play me?! After everything I’ve been though, how could I think this multiple red flag dude wouldn’t play me. Maybe because our friend also bought into the fact that he was keen…. FUCK. Anyway he hugs me goodbye at the door, it’s not a brief hug, it lingers but it reeks of I got what I wanted & he leaves literally less than 2 minutes after he came. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I am stripping my bed of my soaked quilt cover from my squirting all over the place, when there is a knock at my door… I am shocked to find M8 standing there, looking all casual & cute, a million things go through my mind about what he’s doing back here. Maybe he’s feeling guilty, maybe he wants to make sure I’m alright, maybe he decides he wants to stay. This could be my rom com moment – when the guy leaves but then comes back because he realises that he’s made a mistake.. NOPE! He comes back because his car won’t start & he says that his car battery is flat & asks me to help him push it out of my driveway. You’ve got to be kidding me right? Only my fucking life would rub the salt in the wounds… I do, of course, push the car out to the road but as soon as it’s on the road, I go inside… That is just the perfect ending to this fucking shit story! You fucking wanker #IBD4U.

To my surprise, though he messages me shortly after leaving asking me something about the clothes line, to continue the banter. I laugh thinking maybe it wasn’t a mistake? He is still keen on the banter, on talking to me, on messaging me… Or is this part of the charm?! He says he got the stuff for the rest of my job too. I don’t reply because I am at my little business… But just as I am finishing up, I get a message “hey hey.” I apologise for not replying to either message then we have back & forth banter until I fall asleep at 11:00pm. I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t come over for round 2, or why he was in such a rush to get out of my house… Especially since he lives with his parents…

J-Lo has an opinion of course, I mean I don’t think anyone is going to be worthy of me in his eyes, if I think about it, but I still go to him for advice. But he seems to think that M8 is heavily into drugs… Now I’m not innocent, so I can pick up the vibes that someone is acting weird, but there is no weirdness here… Also our mutual friend is an ex addict & her ex is still fucked so she’s very anti drug, so I don’t think she’d be friends with someone heavily into hard drugs… I’m sure he smokes weed, most guys do it, especially those guys into cars.

But when I send a picture of his car to J-Lo, it sets him off… J-Lo is even more convinced he got fired from his $150k FIFO job because he’s on drugs & he has a druggie car… Whatever that means… He’s like no one quits those type of jobs to live with their parents… So I ask our mutual friend & she says that he’d just had enough of it & has a casual job here but because he used to earn so much money, that’s what he wants to be paid here in Adelaide & he so he’s just doing casual work. I genuinely don’t get the drug (or hard drugs on the regular) vibe from him.

I had told M8 I’ll be home around 11am on the Tuesday, to finish off… When he doesn’t say if he’s coming or not, I wonder if I am supposed to message him or if he’s just going to ghost me but as I’m preparing my smoothies for the week, he just appears at my door. No kiss hello. No hug. No touch. So I guess that’s it, it was just sex for him, he got what he wanted, there will be no dinner dates, I guess… I just go about making my smoothies & let him do what he needs to do. He’s so fast. Like if he worked this fast when he started the job, he would have done the job in about 4-6 hours. Instead this is day 4. He’s only there 2 hours saying he’s got to get shit done before he goes away tomorrow…

There is a bit of banter but my boss sends me a weird email which throws me off my good mood axis at work. I struggle with a lot of comments at work due to my previous work experience, as you would expect, I have a PTSD of sorts from all the bullying & bullshit! So this reply from her telling me I didn’t provide constructive feedback, makes me think, well neither is your feedback… Anyway I sulk, this thing I built up in my head with this guy isn’t going to be what I’d started to hope & work is so up & down…

When he leaves, there is a bit of long hug, which hurts my neck again & I don’t hear from him again. No text. No snapchats. Yeah well done #IBD4U. I guess if he never talks to me again, I won’t have to pay him… Fuck. I’m actually a bit cut up about this one though. My usual practice is to ignore them & they go away, I let this happen with Eastwood, I let this happen with pretty much every guy. So I decide I am not going to let it just go, I text him & I ask him why today was so awkward. I also have a snapchat story which he looks at almost instantly but then he finally replies to my text 2 hours later saying that today wasn’t awkward, he just had shit to do. I decide to leave it. I understand the brush off, I’m not a fool… I am never good at the chase & clearly no one ever wants to chase me. Another one bites the dust I guess.

The next day I get a text “why so quiet” which makes me smile when I see it on my watch… Wanker. I say that I am not quiet & just try to get back to the banter & chats that we had before we had sex. This is fixable. But the chat is strained & sporadic. He doesn’t reply to a lot of the questions I ask like how’s work going or where is he. – knowing he’s away in the sticks for work but not sure where… He also says he’s been busy or that he was driving… Yeah right! He fucking text & snapped me while driving when it suited him… On the weekend we send snaps consistently as I’m building my now tool bench then nothing. Crickets.

But then I get texts like hey hey. The next day the same, snaps full on for a bit then nothing. Later that might I get a text “good day out“. I ask is that a statement or a question, he says both but he doesn’t try at all to converse with me at all, it’s gone from multiple sentences per texts to one word statements. Whatever… I knew it was stupid of my to get my hopes up with this one or anyone…

One Sunday night, we’re chatting, I say I’m in the bath, a clear invite for some cheeky chatter with a boy, right?! But he says he needs to send me his bank details, which he does, I pay & the conversation doesn’t go further. He looks at the snaps I send but doesn’t reply, leaving me on read. But then sends a sunrise pic the next morning. I reply but don’t get one back. Our mutual friend says he’s doing the same with her. Maybe things will be different when he gets home… But it is his birthday on the Saturday & Fathers Day on Sunday (which he hates cos he can’t see his kids due to the witch – she’s an actual witch apparently selling sage & doing spells!) He did quit his FIFO job because he hated being away so maybe this trip away is just getting him down. I know I am a bit different when travelling. Marvel always said so, that I was different when I was away for work, maybe it changes a person? Or maybe I’m an idiot.

#IBD4U