It’s been about 4 months since I read Noodle’s last email to me & I never responded (at the time of writing this blog – longer than that now, but this is still relevant! I wrote this end of December 2018.) He never tried again to get in contact with me – I check my junk emails sometimes & I used to check the anonymous app daily (even though I no longer post on it), just to see if he is still posting – I think he is but I can’t really tell… I avoid it as much as I can. I’m not sure how that makes me feel, I kind of wish he’d message me but I am thankful that he hasn’t, especially if he hasn’t left her.

I still think of him every fucking day, pretty much all day. I can’t get him out of my head. Probably because I’m also reliving it with you guys on this blog – which is part of the reason I wanted to speed up the progress of this story, it’s hard to relive feeling this shit… I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s or what our life would be like now or even what his life is like now – if he’s happy, if he thinks of me, if he wishes he made a different decision? Oddly I find myself thinking about his kids a lot too… Usually when my nieces & nephews are around – because they’re around the same age, I think of them playing together, I think of what our life would be like with the kids. I also think of little things I used to message him about my food or exercise or something someone said & I want to tell him. That’s when I have to use all my willpower to not message him.

It’s even worse that my job is very solitary, I’m in the car all day by myself a lot while I travel from country town to country town & listen to music – I’m very susceptible to lyrics (always have been), every song that has played in the 8 months since Noodle’s partner found out & we officially stopped having sex, has seemed like it was about us, a love story gone wrong…

He’s always on my mind since I have met so many dickheads, while he’s happy with his partner. I’m still on the dating round-a-bout from hell & I can only assume they’re happy & having wild sex (being she thinks that’s what he wanted or was getting from me.) Meanwhile, here I am – I can’t even use my bloody electric toothbrush because it reminds me of him…

One day doing a long day trip to Kingston SE (7 hour driving round trip plus the meeting) for work, where I find a Spotify play list “Your Top Songs of 2018,” I hit play wondering what I could’ve possibly been listening to this year, a couple of songs play & I crank it up belting out the tunes until a Papa Roach song comes on (one of Noodle’s favourite bands. Ironically I knew their first song from 2000 called Last Resort & a few others but not many. But after Noodle said he loved me & told me he realised because during one of their songs, I listened to every album & learned all the words!) This particular song today is ‘Leader of the broken heart.’

On the way home, the song comes on again & I hit repeat. The lyrics are so me right now. I feel so empowered. I know what it’s like to risk everything & still survive – I am alive! I gave it all to Noodle & it wasn’t enough. That’s not about me, that’s about him. But I finally realise that I must’ve given my all because I actually feel ok about it (I mean I am hurt, angry & still in love with the guy but I am ok), I am on the other side of this alive & kicking.

When Boyfriend & I ended, I crumbled & it took me years to get over it & I think it’s because I didn’t really love him & he didn’t love me. I was so bitter because I was never loved. Now, I know it completely fucking sucks that I don’t have Noodle’s love anymore, but I can at least say now that I know what it is like to love & I know what it is like to be loved. One of my biggest fears has always plagued me & scared me the older I get (at the time of writing I am 37), that I would die without ever being loved. I’ve told you that before, that’s hard to write & also hard to re read… I was 36 when I first fell in love… At least I can be thankful that I have been in love.

I may never get fully over Noodle – he is (or was) my best friend. I miss that more than anything. The way we ended will always plague me too – how he treated me with secret messages he still hid from her – while trying to sort out his life with her, only when it suited him & his situation, but I am ok! I am alive.

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – for those who want to listen.

All the lies you told are now the truth
Here I am with nothing left to lose
Now that I’m crawling in my skin
Maybe it’s time I just give in
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Holding out for more than I deserve
And hanging on to all your careless words
Maybe it’s time I cut the cord
Maybe I stay and take some more
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize

And now you finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Songwriters: Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / James Michael / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Tobin Joseph Esperance

Leader of the Broken Hearts lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

I may never have what I had with Noodle with another guy, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I have 2 regrets from my involvement with Noodle & they are probably not what you’re thinking. I don’t regret getting involved with a partnered man (though I do wish he was single – however I don’t think our story would have gone the same way), I am not at all proud of what I did or what I was a part of but I don’t regret that part. I also don’t regret falling in love or being loved by him – I’d do that all over again in a heartbeat.

My regrets aren’t about me, but I regret that someone else got hurt, she didn’t deserve that & neither did their kids, even though they’re young, they got caught up in this too – one of them is old enough to remember. They definitely don’t deserve that. I am not that type of person to be vindictive or hurtful, so I am sorry I hurt someone else. The kids are the reason why I didn’t do anything crazy, as much as I thought about it.

But my absolute biggest regret is that I didn’t tell Noodle how much I loved him – everyday, every time I saw him. I wish I told him to his face every time I saw him after we first said it. I wish I said it daily in messages instead of using the heart emoji because I was too scared to say the L word. They say more than words show how you feel, but if that were true, he would’ve believed in me more.

But he needed to hear it.

I needed to say it.

So my advice to you all is not to regret telling the people you love, that you love them! Turn to them & say it now… I would if I could… Words & actions are equally important.

So for now… I just have to put it out there virtually… Because I still feel the same… I don’t think that will ever change. But I have to move on.

But for now & always…

I love you Noodle

xxx

#IBD4U

I know I said at the end of Cowboy that I’d never have to see him again, but to my surprise, he did message me a bit after the coffee date. We were sporadic, not chatting for days, which is fine with me. I didn’t need to message someone everyday, I’d already been caught in that trap before with Noodle obviously. But it was kind of annoying as Cowboy would chat a lot then disappear for weeks on end then come back saying he’s so busy. I hate when people say they are so busy, like I’m not busy too?! I still get time to write back to a fucking message. You don’t have to message me all day but at least once in a few weeks would be nice & actually make me feel a bit better, like I’m not just a hook up!

He messages me to ask where I’ll be on a date near Christmas & I am going to be in Adelaide, he says that he is too & would like to catch up & have me spend some time with him in his hotel. I think maybe why not? But then he disappears for a few weeks again, coming back yet again saying how busy he has been – yeah dude, we’re all busy!! It’s the week before he’s in Adelaide & of course he starts messaging again to catch up, I say that I’m having a drink with a friend (date with LiveFastDieFun) but maybe afterwards I’ll catch up with him.

I don’t recall him actually asking me to meet him so I just say I’m on my way home expecting him to say come meet me, but he writes back to say that it’s a shame we didn’t catch up but maybe next time. I said ‘Well we could, you never asked’ he then proceeds to send me a screenshot of the conversation where he asked & I said I’d let him know… Jeez I’m so stupid sometimes!

So I say that I’ll meet him at the pub near his hotel, he says that he’s just finishing up & will be there. But I’m waiting for him for like 15 minutes. I was hoping he’d buy the drinks being it’s the day before pay day for me, but I look like a loser so I get myself a beer while waiting. When he rocks up he just sneaks up behind me but doesn’t kiss me hello or anything, just goes to get himself a drink. He sits down & the conversation flows more easily. This is just what I need after that boring date.

We have 3 more drinks & I think that I should stop since I have to drive, he does offer me another one though, but I decline. We somehow get on to a topic of asking which one? Like:

• Ford or Holden?
• Winter or summer?
• Chicken breast or chicken thigh?
• Peanut butter or Vegemite? (Where he says Promite! Gross!)
• Coke or Pepsi?

The funny thing is that we never pick the same thing, I ask him heaps of them when we get on the topic, which I can’t remember all of them now but only once do we agree so I high five him! He also tells me that he’s a liberal voter (we all remember Die Hard Liberal – at least he’s a bit different) but I realise that all our core values are very different. Ok so maybe we’re not going to be a lasting thing, but for tonight he’s just what I need. I know that this will piss Noodle off if he ever finds out, but do you know what, he’s pissed me off so much that I just want to hurt Noodle as much as he’s hurt me… Stupid part is that, that Noodle will never know what I’ve done since him… All in vain to fill that void…

The pub closes at 11:30 pm & I say I should probably head off, so he walks me to the corner, when I say goodbye but he says he’ll walk me to the car, I say it’s ok, I’m just across the road & I kiss him on the cheek & hug him, when he says that he should’ve invited me up to his room, so I say ‘You still can!’ then I do the unthinkable & lean in to kiss him. We kiss in the street for a few minutes before I’m aware we’re standing by the pub with people still in it & there are 2 people nearby too. So we stop kissing, he takes my hand in his & we walk back to the his hotel.

I hate this part, walking through the hotel feeling like a hooker. But we’re holding hands so maybe we just look like a couple? We get to his room, I look at his view – which is shit! Then we start kissing & undressing. He’s a good kisser, but he’s short, like he’s 5’3. We undress each other & he goes down on me – really well, I will admit that he did a good job there. Then he says ‘It’s my turn’ & poked his cock in my face. He kept playing with me the whole time, but because I was so sensitive, I had to squirm away so I could concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I really hate when guys aren’t that vocal when you have their cock in your mouth, I mean I try to give verbal encouragement so they know when they do something good & try to react differently when they do something not so great. He doesn’t make any noise at all… Does he like what I’m doing? Who the fuck knows!

He asks if we should use a condom, I say ‘always use a condom’ then he gets his brand new box (which takes him ages to open) & puts one on. We have sex which is pretty good, then he lies down next to me & puts his hand over me rubbing my skin as we just lay there – I like when guys aren’t scared to touch you after sex. I’m not falling in love with him – of course, so it’s ok to be affectionate & it’s nice to know they want to touch you. Not more than 5 minutes rest & he’s kissing me passionately again, making me cum with his fingers before jumping up for another condom. This time he’s behind me, I’m on my knees, he spanks my ass a little but to be honest, for a Cowboy, I thought he’d actually spank me, not just tap my butt. The sex is good again & I basically fall asleep.

FUCK! I fell asleep. I wake up after he lies on the bed, so I get up go to the bathroom & realise that my period that had stopped, has returned from Private Party weekend, I hope he didn’t notice! Anyway I get dressed then kiss him goodbye.

No, correction! I hate this part more! Leaving the hotel after you’ve just fucked someone, feeling like an actual hooker! It’s 1:30 am & I am walking out the doors playing on my phone because I don’t want to make any eye contact with anyone. As I walk to my car, Cowboy is chatting in my group on the chat app but never messages me.

The next day he messages & we chat sporadically for the next few days until I’m out with friends on Saturday night & I send a message saying I wish he was in Adelaide tonight. Not 10 minutes later, I tell a friend that I caught up with him & she shows me a picture of him that he sent to her, it was taken when he was at the pub with me! Now, I’m not stupid, he can be chatting to other people, fucking other people, whatever he wants – we’re not exclusive, but fuck me, as if he is chatting to someone while actually sitting opposite me, just before I fucked him! Do I not deserve his undivided attention while he is actually with me? It’s so disrespectful. I am so fucking angry… He was chatting to someone else while on a date with me?! FUCK… I didn’t think my love life could get any worse!?

I don’t know what is wrong with me but I cry like a baby over this, not because I like him but because I am so fucking epically single, meeting douches like this, thinking that I have their attention while on a date with them, because Noodle (& other guys) always tell me that I can get any guy I want… Turns out I can’t even have a guy for a few hours to devote themselves to me, that’s all I asked of this guy…

I call him out on it, he says it was just a pic of his face, which I know because I have seen it, but I don’t care if it was his toe – you don’t message other women while on a date, especially when he told me he was messaging clients!!! He apologises, realising his error, but man I feel like such a fucking dick! I fucked him like an hour after he was messaging someone else! I never speak to him again & he is deleted eventually from my group.

Noodle was right about Cowboy.

Fuck, I hate even more!

#IBD4U

I’d been chatting to this guy for a while, he is younger, by a few years & quite cute, & to be frank with you. he’s the only guy chatting to me on the website I am on, that wasn’t just after a hook up, so I keep chatting to him. I alluded to the fact that we should meet up because I also don’t want to get into another texting relationship again. He agrees but we can’t meet for like a week due to me being away for work then the Private Party Weekend. So we planned a night out straight after work for a drink & perhaps dinner.

He says that he’ll let me know where he is as his job location changes a lot, that was ok with me, I said I’d just work later & meet him whenever rather than going home, then having to go back into the city. He says he’s taken his change of clothes which I think is so cute, I had done the same but it’s cute he had to tell me that – I wouldn’t tell a guy that. At least he wasn’t just using the “I’ll let you know” excuse & looking for a reason to bail. He seems genuine.

He messages to say to say he won’t be long but when I google he’s a 45 minute drive from the city, so I try to choose a place in the north of the city to make it easier for him & say that we’ll just meet at 6:00 pm. I am not far away so I get changed & leave work with 15 minutes to spare. As I get in the car at my work, he messages, so I check it to see where he is when he says that he’s already there sitting by himself. FUCK.

I tell him I have just left work & that I’ll be about 15 minutes. He says that traffic was good for him so he’ll just wait. (what else is he going to do?! Hahaha) But I get every set of fucking lights, my GPS also wants to take me through the city so I ignore it & go a weird way – which probably takes longer. I arrive at 6:10 pm, then can’t find a park, I hate being late so I pay for bloody parking, instead of finding a street park & run across the road.

I see him sitting at the table so when I walk up, I apologise for being late expecting him to stand up so I can kiss his cheek (no longer do I need to have the conversation about what to do when we met, I will just go in for a hug & kiss on the cheek! New confident me – remember I had this conversation with Origin) However he doesn’t stand up, so he makes it awkward & I just offer to get him a drink, because I’m going into buy a drink, he has half a glass there so I think he’ll say no, which is good because my funds are supremely low, but he says yes. Dammit, I think ok I’ve got $15 – it’s the day before pay day I’m always living paycheck to paycheck, but that should get 2 beers, NOPE. I need $17 dammit, so I put it on my newly paid off credit card.

We chat relatively easily but he looks so young, he’s quite cute but there isn’t a spark there for me, I gather he can feel it too – I mean we probably look stupid together, I don’t look my age but I don’t look in my 20’s. When I go to the bathroom, I come back & ask if he wants to head off, only an hour in, but he doesn’t stand up so what else can I do but sit back down. I start scratching my foot, I think I’m being bitten by mosquitoes. He offers another drink but I say no, then he jumps up to go to the toilet & as he’s walking off he’s like “I won’t be offended if you want to go now” OMG I feel so bad that I just say something like we’ll see when you get back. He comes back & sits down, I’m scratching like mad & say we should head off, I’m getting too bitten. We walk off down the road & I think he’s going to walk me across the road but he just says he’s parked down the street, so I turn back & give him just a hug goodbye.

I move onto my next event for the evening (see next blog – that I forgot about… Whoops) & get a message from LiveFastDieFun, but I don’t log back onto the app until lunch time the next day where I see his message saying that he won’t been offended if I don’t want to see him again. I feel bad, I’ve had this done to me a million times but I don’t think I’ve ever really had to do it. Usually if I don’t feel the spark I just never hear from them again. So I just say that I had a good time, but didn’t feel the spark & wish him well on his search. I was going to say we should be friends, but lets face it, I’m not going to be friends with him. He says he understands & think if the circumstances were different then it might’ve been different. I don’t bother replying. I wish I felt something for him, but I don’t want to waste anymore time with the wrong person. Yep, another one bites the dust!

#IBD4U

So I am invited to a Private swinger’s weekend, I know a few people just from the chat app but I’d met a few in real life too now through Rope & Switch, even Sleezeball, so I felt comfortable in going to meet people I didn’t know – meeting some people I didn’t know or hadn’t even chatted to ever before. I knew I was safe as it’s all about consent but was still glad I told a close friend where I was going, just in case – You never know right! This is why I think it’s really important that anyone kinky or embarking on a kink journey to tell people around them about what they are planning. I mean I’ve said it before, what if something happened to you & no one knew where you were because you were trying to keep your life a secret. I’m not saying you should all start a blog & tell everyone you know to read it, but at least tell one person close to you that someone is going to tie you up.

Unfortunately a month before, I get my period & when I look at the diary, I realised that the weekend away with these new friends, will be smack bang in the middle of my next one! Damn you Mother Nature! I am not on the pill anymore – I stopped it the day Noodle & I ended because I don’t like the hormones as I’ve discovered they cause a lot of my weight issues & lucky for me shark week is very regular & is only 3 days long, so I didn’t want to mess with that by starting to the take the pill for a short time while I am waiting to have my tubes tied (I don’t think I’ve told you that story, but I have seen a surgeon to start the process of having my tubes tied. I will have a blog on this later.)

So I pull out of the weekend & get my refund. The best part about leaving the group was that I didn’t have to see that suburb keep popping up on my phone as the group name when someone chatted, as it was the same suburb as where Noodle lives, I also wasn’t sure I wanted to go, because I was so scared I’d see him & he’d definitely think I am just driving past to stalk him because there is no other reason I would be in his suburb really. Not that I’d ever know what he thought but I don’t want him thinking that!

A couple of weeks later, people were still trying to get me to go to the weekend, a few people private messaging me, I explain why I can’t go but they tell me just to come anyway, I don’t have to play with people, I can just come meet others. I end up giving in after meeting a few more people at Rope, who will do some candle wax drips on my back for me that weekend. I am excited for this so I get re-added to the group. I guess I don’t have to have sex or I can warn the guy, being up front & he can make the decision himself. (Some guys are weird about it. Noodle was probably the weirdest, but he was wuss with needles & blood.)

I have a work event the Friday night that they were all going up, I don’t want to be there too early on the Saturday so I get my eyelashes done, wash my hair & I rock up about 3:00 pm on the second day of the weekend for everyone else.

After having to drive past Noodle’s street & freaking out a little bit (a lot actually) – pretty much hyperventilating that I would see him or worse his partner. I don’t want him to see me driving though his suburb & wonder if I am stalking him. Thankfully I don’t see him or her, so I calm down in the car before I walk in, I need to regain some of the equilibrium before I go in & pretend to be happy, pretend to be ok with walking into a house they have hired like I haven’t got a broken heart still.

I walk in & some people recognise me right away, others introduce themselves, everyone comes up to hug & kiss me hello & I reciprocate. I feel at ease straight away with this simple gesture from everyone. It’s just like hanging out with really touchy-feely friends.

I know a few people from the chat app but I haven’t met them all in real life, so I get a drink & start chatting to everyone. I feel a little awkward at first but think that I relax into it pretty quickly. Or I hope I do. There are a lot of people asleep apparently because they all had a big night last night, it’s 3:00 pm & so I just start drinking, working out if there is anyone here that I want to have sex with if the period gods are kind to me. I have told a few people that my period will come this weekend, one of the ladies I have become friends with on the chat app says that her husband won’t care & that he wants to play with me, his name is Mav. He’s never private messaged me but she says that he’s keen.

I drink a bit as people get up from their naps. Meeting a lot more new people, there seems to be more people than beds here, but I guess this a free for all kind of thing. There is a woman there who I didn’t really like to begin with on the chat app, she is an exhibitionist & shared a lot of pictures – I guess jealously was the reason why I didn’t like her, when I look back. I only kept her in the group because she kept it active, but I grew to like her a lot as we chatted more & I finally meet her today at this party when she woke up. It was an instant friendship & now she is one of my best friends, we spent all summer at the beach – much to my disgust throwing the tennis ball. Hahaha. (She’ll love reading that!) She is the type of woman who will give you confidence to do or be anything you want to be, I need her in my life right now, it seems little but she made me wear a bikini & only my bikini on the beach… I usually cover up with shorts & a singlet, but she is the type of woman to build up another women, not make them feel insecure, not bring them down with judgement… Honestly she is the best thing for me right now & I love her for that all forgiving, motivational friendship she gives me.

Anyway, back to the party, (Sorry this isn’t a blog about my friend, but more women need to be like her!) so, a bunch of the women seem to know each other & head off inside, I want to go see what everyone is up too, but I feel like I might be intruding. Another friend from the chat app & her husband who I’ve talked about before Holden arrive. I meet them outside, they are quite shy & even though they know everyone, they are a bit shy about coming in. I was too, so I meet them out the front. I introduce them to everyone, remembering how shy they are around new people.

It’s a good night, I drink a lot but don’t seem to get drunk considering there isn’t a lot of dinner around, I do eat a lot of Cheezels as they’re my favourite & the guy who did the grocery shopping, let’s call him Melon, bought a couple of boxes for me! What a legend!

When I go to the bathroom as the night wears on, I realise that I have my period. No one has asked to fuck me anyway so maybe it’s awkward or they’re letting me settle in. I had told them on the chat app that they would have to make the first move, that I am too self-conscious with no self-esteem to do that, plus there aren’t many single people here. Most people are in a couple, so I don’t know the rules here either. Mav’s wife has said the same thing on the chat app, however she starts talking to me quietly about how much her husband wants me but he’s also shy, the 2 of them are shy, I’m shy when it comes to the first moves, so yeah this seems like it’ll never happen! Hahaha. But Mav comes up to stand behind us, putting his arms around us both, he says something about making moves & so I lean in to kiss his wife as he’s being a smart ass. He says that “Well that backfired” & we both giggle. The 3 of us go to find a room, his wife isn’t going to stay, I quickly go to the bathroom & come back to kiss them before his wife leaves us… That was a bit awkward for me, but they seemed to be ok with it. I have pretty hot sex with him, considering I am freaking out about my period the whole time, I am able to let go & cum a couple of times. He doesn’t cum which is lucky in the then end because he realises that the condom has broken, so we stop.

After that, no one else asks to fuck me. The 2 that were going to do the wax animal on me leave early & so I don’t even get that experience. There are people there that say the next day that they could’ve done it for me, but they all knew as I’d talked about it on the chat app but I don’t want to bother people to do things that they don’t want to do – so I don’t ask…

After the weekend, we start planning another one for June long weekend next year, we find a place to go & start talking about planning it. I make the admin of the group change the name of the group because I’m sick of seeing Noodle’s suburb come up in my chat all the time.

However, the June long weekend never happens… I end up leaving that chat group… Something happened that weekend that caused a bunch of the women to not like me, I still to this day, almost a year later have NO CLUE what I did or apparently said but I said something to upset someone & then a few of them decided not to like me.

I have no problem with people not liking me, I do have a strong personality when you get to know me but I would at least expect some respect from the person that I upset or people that were there, they all know what happened but no one will tell me… I feel like I’m in high school when I see some of them & they ignore me but kiss my friend hello… Fucking awkward… Well I can’t apologise or explain myself if I have no idea what I said & no one will grow up & tell me…

This elephant in the room eventually eats it’s way into some other things in my life too, relationships on the chat app & also interferes with Rope – which I hate, people that I used to be good friends now don’t even look in my direction. It makes it horrible & I start to hate going…

The kink scene is a clique, I thought I had real friends within the clique, I knew I wasn’t the cook kid, I’ve never been a cool kid, but I didn’t realise that I would end up on the outskirts… Makes me fucking sad & reminds me that I am so fucking alone & still in love with a man who hasn’t spoken to me in months… I now also have to drive past Noodle’s house home from the weekend, that I had fun at & thought I was friends with these people, only to find out there was this drama a few months later… Yeah… Things are good for a short time, then they’re shit again & I can’t stop thinking about Noodle…

#IBD4U

I decide that I am going to go to another Play Party – I’m having a bit of a sex dry spell to be honest, I know I have fucked a fair few men since Noodle, trying to fill that stupid Noodle shaped void but I haven’t had sex for a couple of months… This time, I am going to go alone, however on the day on the party, the guy, LJ, that I went with last time says he’s going & I decide to ask him to meet for a drink first & we go in together. I feel a bit rude but he comes all the way from the north to the south to pick me up to take me back to the party, but he doesn’t seem to mind. We go out for a drink at a pub closer to the party & while at the pub, I see Elvis – like WTF! I point him out to LJ, because Elvis walks past us about 10 times when he didn’t really have too, I sort of look at him to at least smile a hello, but I never catch his eye. LJ says that Elvis even stares at me for the longest time. I try to ignore him since he doesn’t seem to look at me when I am looking at him. Whatever dude.

LJ & I rock up to the play party, there are way more people there than the last one, but after a quick sweep of the party there aren’t that many younger cute guys. LJ & I start the evening with a drink & play air hockey, when another guy joins in, to talk to us but then LJ & him disappear & I’m playing with a younger cute dude that was lingering around too. I say to this cute younger dude, ‘best out of 3’ to which I lose & ask what does he get for me losing. We both giggle & within about 10 minutes of being at the party, I am in a room fucking this guy! Hahaha…

The night goes quick there’s another guy I know there from the chat app, who is a little bit older than me – by maybe 15 to 20 years, so outside of my 10 year above, 10 year below rule, definitely not really my type but I do really like him as a person, but am not keen to fuck him. He’s in the spa so he asks me to get in & next minute I’m in the spa with a few people – mostly men. There are hands everywhere (which is apparently frowned upon being no one actually asked me to touch me – probably should’ve got them kicked out, now I look back), a couple of guys to get handsy, but I just keep moving away from them instead of saying stop touching me, as I am not interested in any of these guys who are apparently breaking the unwritten rules of a play party.

A couple get in the spa too & the woman is pushed to the edge away from me, but I like her – not because I am interested in women, but because she seems nice & seems to be pushed out of the group. So I try to engage her because I find it easier talking to women especially when I have men groping me! She tells me that they have been together since they were teenagers & they have been married for a long time, I think maybe close to 20 years & they are just trying to mix things up, this has been their first swingers party. I explain my experiences with the play parties, limited as it is.

When the party organiser says we need to get out, to let others have a turn, I agree, I feel a bit drunker than I was planning. A spa will do that to you… I get out, put on my bra & undies – which I usually get fully dressed but I feel ok just in my bra & undies, I do have a cute matching set on right now. So I walk around the party just in this.

The woman (that I was chatting to in the spa) & her husband ask if I will play with them & find another guy – I think why not… My first 4sum? Seems like a fun place to do it. So I decide to find the guy that was in the spa with us, that I know from the chat app. I ask him quietly & it’s like all his Christmases have come at once when I ask him to come into a room with us. Of course he agrees. We go into the back room which is my preferred room as it’s not full of personal effects, it’s just got the bed. It’s almost like a tacked on after thought building to be honest.

The couple want to play with us, so she gets started with the guy & I get started with her husband, but he is having technically difficulties with is equipment so it ended up being the other guy just fucking both of the women & the husband just played with me. Watching & touching… I’m not really sure if that’s a 4sum or not, but I guess there was 4 of us in the room so that would be the definition of a 4sum.

Afterwards, I feel confident to just walk around in just my underwear, venturing a bit futher into the party & I hang around with the couple most of the evening now, however I don’t find anyone else to play with that night. I feel comfortable with the couple & don’t feel creeped out at all like some couples make you feel. She is in her underwear too & I feel comfortable with both of them. I decide that there is no one left for me at the party that I want to have sex with. I say goodbye to the people I know, LJ had left earlier, not feeling well & asked the party people to look after me, so I say good bye to them & let them know I have an uber coming.

The wife of the couple adds me on the chat app & says that they went home shortly after I did. She messages me a few times since that night to see what’s happening. She seems really nice. They may be just good friends. They may be nothing at all, but at this point, I am happy to make some new friends. Who knows what might happen! This could be just the friendship I need to get me to stop thinking about Noodle…

#IBD4U

I was intrigued about Rope enough that I decided to get out of my comfort zone & go to another class on my own this time. Noodle isn’t coming back to claim me, I have to move on from that… As much as it hurts & as much as I want to run to him & have him comfort me – beg him to be with me, I have to find something new to occupy my time, I have to try new things. He would hate this, is that why I like it? I have also recently used an app that is not even for dating but just for meeting new people. I went to couple of events & made one friend but other than that it was a bit of a waste of my time. Maybe I need to put in more effort or maybe I just need more time to be alone. I mean I wasn’t going to these events just to meet men, I went to an event purely for women, thinking I could meet some new girl friends, but yeah it didn’t really work out that way. Maybe I needed to go to a few more than just 2 events, but anyway.

I’d know that the rope teacher who tied me up will be there, Ripples, so I wouldn’t be entirely alone. I also knew the guy who ran it after I’d seen him a few times now & at Sleezeball. I go along & only really know those 2 there, but there is another chick that I chat too on the chat app who asks my my nickname on the chat app & I smile, feeling a little shy knowing some of the things I share on the chat app. I actually also become a member of the Rope club on my second night! I end up with the beginners again & used a model for everyone else to see. Ripples does some fancier ties on me so I am not always just having my wrist tied for the entire 2 hours, which is the beginning of every class. It’s good that he’s keen to show me more ties as I don’t want to just be stuck waiting for a rigger & end up with all the newbies every week.

He shows me a tie on my leg, to see what that feels like, it’s so tight, but I love the feeling of it, the restrictiveness of not being able to move. If you get into the right head space, then it’s not causing me claustrophobia, it’s all a bit of a mind game.

I talk to some other people there, getting to know people & when I realise that one of the chicks running the thing also does wax, I ask her to do something for me, she says she will & even can picture what she will do & as my nickname is an animal, I ask her to do that on me one time. She says yes, next time I’m at Switch she’ll do it for me. How exciting! I love the wax pictures, so I can’t wait for this!

I am well & truly in this world now & I’m hooked. However I don’t want to have a guy act like Noodle & say things like “You need it – I can’t give you what you want” well, I don’t need it, but I like it – this is fun but if I met someone not so kinky, then I wouldn’t need to be here.. I am still here trying to fill that void, let’s not forget that fucking void in my heart still… But my kinky lifestyle will adapt to what the guy I am with enjoys too, it’s not all about me. I always enjoyed what Noodle & I did, it was different from every other guy & I had a lot of firsts with him (even though he never believed that!), so I was definitely never dissatisfied with him ever & I’m sure that if I had more time with Noodle & he was single, our kinkiness would’ve been a lot different, but we only had short times together with lots of car sex towards the end.

I can’t wait to go back to Rope, I do want to find a more permanent rigger so I can be suspended eventually & stop having just my wrist tied. I am also bruised for a few days from the rope just being on there for a short period of time. It was tight but I didn’t realise I would bruise like that so easily… I love a naughty bruise! (Not a hickey, but a fun thigh bruise!)

This is becoming something I like doing actually, so weirdly. It’s not about sex for me, I mean it could be but I like that it’s not just a sexual thing – especially at the classes. I don’t have a rigger, again so I am used a lot as the display bunny a lot of the time when I go, which has become weekly, giving up Mondays at the gym to be here. One time I get paired with this young single rigger. He’d never been before & I’m not claiming to be an expert, but he was a bit nervous but I got along with him, it wasn’t awkward like the first guy I ever got paired with.

He ties my wrist only for ages, he struggles to get the tie right, he just keeps saying how stupid he feels, it made me think that that’s how Noodle would feel & would act. So I reassure this guy to let him know he is doing a good job & that he’d get it. When he finally mastered the tie, he said he ‘felt like a king’ I literally laugh out loud. That’s so hilarious.

When he goes to the toilet, Ripples gets another rigger – lets call him Bor who was free to tie both my legs together to get me to feel that feeling. I explained to the guy that I bruise easily & he says that he can make sure I bruise, he trundles off & get a stick, I think what the actual fuck is he going to do with that, hit my shins? I’m not sure I’m ready for a stick to the shins… FUCK..

Anyway I trust the process & trust Ripples who has asked this guy, Bor, to do it. He ties both my legs together, really tight, I can feel that I am straining even when I try to straighten my legs a little. He then takes the stick & I think fuck, this is going to hurt, he is going to hit my shins. But he doesn’t. He slides the stick between the rope & twists. FUCK that bloody hurts. I’m wincing in agony but he just moves it up & down the rope at every join, doing the same.

I am in agony, but it’s a sweet weird agony. I enjoy it. I can feel that I am going to be majorly bruised from this. As he unties the rope I say that it hurts where one of the ropes have been & so he presses his finger into the dent & looks at me smiling – He reminds me of Noodle… SHIT. He then shows me why he has spiky wrist bands on, by using them to rub my sensitive skin from the rope. I love it & wonder to myself quietly, why the fuck I enjoy pain so much. I am so twisted. Hahaha.

I do bruise for 2 weeks after that, they are all over my legs that when it’s hot I have no choice but to wear a skirt where they all see the bruises asking me what the hell happened, I am honest with most people, because I am not hiding this side of me anymore. I mean if they are reading the blog, they will eventually read all about it anyway.

I probably won’t write about each week of rope as a blog post moving forward, but if something interesting happens, I will write about it – but I do go weekly. It’s technically not dating, but who knows what might happen! It might be that void filler I’ve been looking for… I miss chatting to Noodle but at least for one night of the week I don’t think about him.

#IBD4U

At Rope, I was introduced to a few people that I knew were going to Sleezeball on Saturday night. Sleezeball is an event (or creepy dude… Hahaha), not a play party for sex but people do other types of play, such as rope or spanking, perhaps candle wax. I knew that the guy from Rope, let’s call him Ripples, was going to be there & I asked him to tie me up – he said he would. I thought this would be a good opportunity to try this out again. I was hoping there would be a few people from the chat app there too that I could hang out with & get to know in real life. I am trying to expand my friendship group & translate those friendships that I’ve made online to a real life setting. I honestly want to get off the chat apps at this point, I mean they seem to do more damage than good, but I also want to make new friendships & get away from anything online.

I had planned on going with a friend anyway, so even if Ripples wasn’t there, then it didn’t matter, I’d still just have a night out with some friends & it’d be fun. I got my dad to drop my friend & I into the city that night to save us money on taxi’s. We walk into the the venue, which I’d never been to before & it turns out that it is a teeny tiny venue, there aren’t many people there & I wonder if this was going to be a good night, since this will be the first experience of any sort of kink for my friend. She had mentioned she might want to come to a play party with me, but she was mainly vanilla from what I had heard from this relatively new friend.

I’m definitely no expert but I guess I’ve been getting more involved in this kind of thing to expand my life & also because I am still trying to fill the void, so many months later… Again mainly to fill my mind with thoughts other than Noodle fucking his now kinky partner & him fucking women alone… Fuck that hurts to think about… Why do I keep thinking about it? FUCK…

Anyway, I see a couple of people who run the Rope class & chat to them, most people are very welcoming to a new people, we have a few drinks & look around this tiny club. It’s a lot smaller than I expect so it doesn’t take us long to have a look at everything & find Ripples, who is going to tie me.

I introduce him to my friend & I feel a bit weird just hanging around waiting for him to tie me but he doesn’t know me really so I don’t want him to forget that he said he would tie me, so I feel a bit weird to be honest. I assume that there are so many people that want to be tied & are into this more than I am, plus people that he knows, so I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t tie me at all.

I must have a lot of trust in this guy, because now we’re in a setting with loud music & I can’t say much to him if I feel uncomfortable. But when he starts tying me, I automatically start to relax & it’s like my mind completely switches off, I can’t really hear the music either, all I can feel is the rope & the slight tugging & pulling as the rope caresses my skin. I will admit that this is the only time I really switch off, I actually imagine that this is Noodle tying me up (I know he would never learn to tie like this, but I imagine him doing it instead of this guy in front of me.) I have a moment, where I am just me. Not heartbroken, not really thinking about Noodle, just in the moment of feeling free of any thoughts.

I’ve seen other couples do this type of Rope, which I learn is called Shibari, & the bunnies seem to go into this ‘space’ where they are unaware of what is going on around them, I try to find this space, what they call ‘subspace’ but I can’t quite get there – I sort of do in a way, but not quite like I have seen. I mean I don’t really know this man, so yeah there are some trust issues, but I think when I see those bunnies go to that space, they are with someone they love & trust. I wish I had someone I love & trusted. It makes me realise, that I’m not scared to love again… I mean I know it’s not been long since Noodle shattered my heart twice & then we stopped talking, but I was so worried about becoming bitter again. After Boyfriend, I became so bitter & it has taken a long time for me to get out of the head space. I was so worried I would be bitter this time, but if you recall, the only reason I was bitter after Boyfriend was because we weren’t in love with each other & I guess I always thought we should. Paired with my fear of dying without being loved, I because a bitter old bitch… I am not scared of not being loved nor of dying alone, there are worse things in life, so I know now that I am open to something more. (Which is a good place to be!)

I enjoy the night, I don’t do anything else as in kink play at the nightclub, we dance a bit, we drink a lot & my friend tries to ‘pick up’ the bartender, getting his number before I organise for Blogger to pick us up – we all know how that night turned out.

I will admit that I did enjoy my first sleezeball, I would go again, they are on every year (The 2019 one is coming up!) It was something new, something fun, something I never would have done if I was with Noodle – not that that’s a bad thing, but I am glad for the new experiences. However, I still miss him like fucking crazy!

#IBD4U

Something I noticed a lot in my life, having been single for most of it, is what people think is best for me – or more to the point, what they think will make me happy, because they want to see me happy. This is something interesting for me, as I’m not sure why people think I am not happy?! (I mean, right now, I am not – nursing a broken heart, but for the most part, I am happy with my life besides the non existent love life!) Something that has come up quite a lot for me most recently in my thoughts are all related to “Want vs Need.”

Only having been technically off the market for 3.5 years in total with Boyfriend & the 18 months I had Noodle, so I have been alone a long time & the top thing people say to me as a single women, probably more now then when I was younger is things like “You don’t need a man to be happy” or worse things like “A man won’t make you happy” I even hate when people say things about finding their other half or that they have found their better half etc.

So I thought a blog about Want vs Need – I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends & she’s also a reader & I thought there was a blog post in this topic… What does Want vs Need even mean?!

Definitions: (found via google search)

Need – require (something) because it is essential or very important rather than just desirable.

Want – have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.

I want to be clear. I know I don’t NEED a man to be happy, I am happy, I have a successful career – that I love & am good at, a house that I am slowly upgrading on a single income, I now own an investment property too. I have lived overseas in Canada – by myself about 10 years ago now! I have traveled extensively across South Australia for work & visited most capital cities in Australia, including driving across the Nullarbor.

I have traveled to: England, Ireland, Wales, Isle of Man, Turkey, Croatia, Vietnam, New Caledonia, New Zealand, Fiji, UAE, France, Qatar, Spain, Portugal, Bali, America, Gibraltar, Scotland, Northern Ireland & Cyprus – Yes, I still have many places to go!

I have partied, I have slept around (maybe a little too much), I have taken drugs, I have drunk till I’ve vomited, I have done things I regret, I have fallen deeply in love, I got really fat & then lost all the weight, I have run away from everything, I have given second chances, (I have even given third & fourth chances) & I have grounded myself with a solid foundation of the type of person I have become. Let’s just say, I have lived a pretty good life at time of posting this, I am 38!

A lady I used to work, who had as in her 50’s she got married & had kids in her early 20’s, so she’d never been overseas, she’d never done anything but raise her 3 kids. So it bothered me so much when she’d tell me to enjoy my life. Haven’t I done that already? Arent I allowed to be ready to find a partner to travel with, to build a life with, to love.

So when people say you don’t need a man to be happy, they are absolutely 100% right. YES! I agree! But fuck it pisses me off when people say it to me. I have never said I need a man to be happy, in fact, sometimes I have made the decision to be single because I don’t want that to get in the way of my life goals.

However, that word… Want…

But I will admit this… I WANT a partner… Someone who marks off a few things in my new list. I do not want to be alone forever, I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to talk to every night & sleep next to everyday. I do not need it. But why the fuck do people make me feel shit about wanting that?! Especially those who have it, it’s always weird that they are the ones who are so anti me wanting a partner.

Is there something wrong with wanting that?

I know relationships aren’t perfect, I have had one recently with Noodle that I know wasn’t perfect & took a lot of effort from both of us to keep it going (putting aside all the external factors) just us being us, was a lot of hard work. I have also never said I want something perfect. I don’t believe we have a other half that completes us – if I did believe that, I have just lost my other half. But I don’t think we are destined to walk this earth alone forever… I think we complete ourselves & compliment another person…

So next time a single friend says to you that they want a partner, don’t reply telling them they don’t need it or that relationship aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be – as a single person, on the outside looking in, having had an 18 month affair, I know that relationships aren’t easy, I know they aren’t that all great, I know that they aren’t the be all & end all of life… But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t want it.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, I want to you to look at them right now & pretend they aren’t in your life anymore… Suddenly & abruptly like what happened with Noodle – where your partner just ghosted you. How does that make you feel – even to just think about that?? Think about getting in to bed alone tonight – for the 4380th night in a row? Does that make you happy? (if you said yes, then you should probably end it with your partner) but if you feel a complete heartache – not because you’re alone but because that person isn’t with you – that’s how I feel daily, ultimate devastation. What would be something someone could say to you to make it better for you? Could anyone make you feel better?

Interestingly when I was over 100 kgs, when I turned 30, I realised that my wants & needs were very different for a healthy lifestyle change. I wanted to be skinny but I needed to make a change to reach that goal. I didn’t need to be skinny, but that was what I wanted. Focusing on the need was more important then because I needed to be healthy to avoid serious health issues. I want to maintain my weight now, but I don’t need too. It could fluctuate a few kgs & life would be ok… So it’s very important not to confuse these two things… Wants vs Need.

I have done a blog on cliches before which I guess is a similar type of blog to this, however, I want to raise awareness on the Want vs Need. It is different for everyone, while the definition doesn’t change, it does mean something different to people. But just remember, I am more than happy with myself (there are some people out there who need to work on being alone & being happy with themselves) so for me, I am at a point in my life where I want something special with someone. But I don’t need it.

#IBD4U

I am serious about proper dating now. No more hook ups, no more FWB, no more married guys… Yes, new me! New profile (yet again) on a different website that I haven’t used for ages that I know Noodle, Max or Crows won’t be on – well I hope they aren’t, will kill me if I see Noodle or Crows at this point online trolling for women.

I only add men who have a profile picture & who are in my state – as so many from interstate try to add me, I do not want a penpal, I only add guys that I like the look of their pictures too & of course then I look at what they write in their profile as some are ridiculous. I get a lot of men trying to add me, there aren’t many I add back – maybe I’m too fussy as people have told me in the past, but maybe I don’t want to settle with someone I am not attracted too?! The ones that I do actually add to my account, barely chat to me & then I delete them a few days later. What a great way to start the new me…

After not having sex for 3 weeks – I know this seems like nothing to some people in relationships or even single people, but for me, that’s the longest I’ve gone in 2 years without sex. I know that I have gone 4 years without sex after the whole thing with Travel Agent, so 3 weeks should be nothing, but it is… I hate it, I hate thinking about the sex that Noodle is having, what he might be doing… It’s fucked! All I can say, is thank god I invested wisely on rechargeable bed side table friends because otherwise I think energizer would be making a killing from me! (Tip for buying vibrators, get rechargeable or ones that plug in! ALWAYS!)

I chat to a guy for a few days, he asks the dreaded question “What are you looking for?” I thought that was obvious from my profile, I had laid it all out there for them to read, I’m a not looking for a FWB or one night stand. I am being serious abut finding a partner. However, this guys still asks what I am looking for, I practically roll my eyes at the questions but I explain that I’m looking for a partner – I add that I know that this takes time to evolve, but I am not looking for just hoot ups etc & he says he’s not looking for the same thing. I go to delete him but for some reason I decide not to… This is another lesson in trusting my gut! Why don’t I trust my gut, is it because my heart is so lonely that I just ignore every warning sign ever?

One night a friend bails on me for drinks at my house, I’ve done a million things at home lately & am bored sitting in bed chatting online – this is never a good idea to be honest, loneliness & late night online dating… When this guy comes online so I ask “What are you up too?”, he says nothing but asks what do I want & I say “sex”. This guy is on a different page to me, we don’t want the same things, but I am trying to fill a void here… Fuck I hate that I am doing that, that I am trolling online again for another guy when all I want is Noodle, all I think about is Noodle… FUCK!!! I chat to this guy for a while & I don’t really understand why this guy hasn’t asked for my address yet, being he just wants a fuck too & I wonder why he’s not in his car coming to fuck me. An offer of no strings should have the guy running… He sends a pic of his cock, ok so it’s a nice cock, but dick pics don’t do a great deal for me from a random stranger.

We chat & chat some more, I’m thinking that maybe this guy isn’t interested or just wants a penpal?! Who the fuck knows with these men these days… He doesn’t ask for my address, so I finally think that I’ll just give it to him, but just as I go to type it out, he asks for a picture of my tits. Now I’m not opposed to sending pictures obviously however not to some random weirdo that I haven’t even met or trust. Who knows what they’ll do with them or who they’ll show them too. I also have a pic on my face, body & part of my boobs in a top that you can see how good they look on the app, so he doesn’t need a picture of them now. However, I say I don’t send pics then he never responds to me again. EVER! I send him another message but he doesn’t respond either. He’s still online, I can see the green dot. Another 10 minute go by, nothing, I message again & get nothing so I just delete him…

OMG, I feel like shit… Now I can’t even get a dude who wants a fuck buddy to come fuck me on a Friday night when I am bored. What has happened to me! I start thinking (Well I never stop to be honest) about Noodle fucking his partner – having wild sex with her or even worse marrying her & I feel even fucking shit! When will I stop thinking about him? It’s only been a few months, but fucking hell! I hate this feeling…

#IBD4U

I didn’t think this blog would generate its own blog post, but it has! After I ended with Noodle but before we stopped officially talking, my friend J-Lo helped me get back into writing & focusing on getting my story out there, which I did – obviously. Not because of Noodle, but because I enjoy writing, he was trying to get me to do things I like again… But I didn’t want people to know who I am, I shared it once on my personal Facebook page (remember that, this is something suspicious thing to note for future blogs! -Oooooh Intrigue!) & told a few friends but that was all. But how do I get followers & people to read my stories? Well, I pay for some Facebook advertising to get the blog out there – it’s worked, lots of you are reading because of the advert… Others have found me through friends of friends. Most of you don’t actually know who I am, but a lot of you do too… I am thankful for both (& all the comments of support from those who don’t know me, it means a lot from both, but I love it when it’s from people who don’t know me at all!) I am always so excited when people I don’t know comment, like & share posts. It is even more exciting when people I don’t know write me messages about how relateable this is, how they have or are going through something similar or even some people that have been with their partner forever & they enjoy living vicariously through me. (Probably making them a much better partner as they don’t want them to leave them & have to deal with fucking dating! Hahaha)

So when the blog started getting popular about a year & a bit ago, I notice a guy liking a lot of posts & commenting on a lot too & eventually he writes me a message just to say how relatable it is, even as a guy & how much he enjoyed the stories from a woman’s perspective. I reply to the messages thinking nothing of it, when he says we probably would get kicked out of a coffee shop for the stories we could tell. I say it would have to be a cocktail. He says we should meet up & before I know it, I’m giving him my availability for the next few weekends.

He also wrote a few blogs for me too, which is stuff that hasn’t happened to me, such as Liza or The Animal. So I enjoy reading his stories & posting them for him. I miss the guest blogs, so get writing people! I can’t be the only one out here sharing all my secrets! I have a lot of friends that want me to do a podcast because they don’t have time to read. I don’t just want it to be me reading my blogs out so I’ve been discussing options for ages with my friend about what a podcast would look like. I have been looking for a guy for a trio & a male perspective on what these men think in my stories, not that the guy will know for sure but at least we can have his perspective. He sounds interested in being part of this, so I explain to him that this meeting will be like an interview being that I am not really interested in him & I also am still recovering from a shattered heart. It hasn’t been long since the very end of Noodle. I don’t want to tell him that though because I don’t want to spoil the story, I don’t even think I was posting about Noodle at the time when I met this guy… Why am I always so far behind in this blog?! I am catching up, I promise.

Before we meet I ask if he actually wants to see a picture of what I look like & actually know my name, he says either way but might be fun if I don’t show myself or tell him. I give him the opportunity to guess my name & I say that he can do anything he wants to me if he can guess my name. Those of you who know my name understand the difficulty, I told him what letter is started with but about a whole lot of wrong guesses & him running out of ideas, he gave up… No one would ever just randomly guess my name, while I was born in Adelaide to caucasian parents, they chose a unusual name for me & one other sibling. Guess he has to wait to see who I really am. I, of course, can see everyone on my page & could see his name & what he looked like. Eventually the next day after giving him some massive hints, he guessed my name but it was too late, he’d miss out on doing anything he liked to me. Hahaha.

We meet for a drink Saturday afternoon, I messaged to say I was on my way, he said he was already there. I walked up to him & couldn’t gauge what he thought of me – as in what I look like. But we sat & chatted like old friends, it was quite easy to talk too, he’s quite touchy – like my leg & he grabs my hand when I’m flicking it around, I’m a bit of a hand talker. We talk for ages but we both have some where to go so we leave. It’s like 6:00 pm & the sun is still shining yet he walks me to my car, it’s a little awkward but I kiss his cheek & we have a long hug before I say goodbye.

You all know I won’t message first, he also knows that from my blog, so he does, what a good lad. We message again most of the day for another week. I wasn’t really interested in him in a sexual way or as a potential partner, but I think he might be alright for the podcast.  I invite him to an event with a friend but he says that he has no money but will come in & pick us up if we give him petrol money. I don’t really know what the deal is here, will he stay at my house, is he expecting sex? I mean we live on opposite ends of Adelaide so it’s not a short drive – he’s not going to pick us up & go home, surely? But I am not sure I want to have sex with this guy if I want to start a business partnership with him though the blog & podcast.

He picks us up & drops us back to my place, I invite him in. I pour us all some wine, I don’t need it to be perfectly honest. When my friend goes to bed, we end up kissing & I straddle his lap taking off my top… This is not a good idea. We end up going into the bedroom, we’re kissing in bed, I’m down to just wearing my underwear when he says that he needs to go to the toilet. By the time he gets back, which isn’t long, I am asleep… Yes I fucking fell asleep. I wake up the next day a bit disorientated, there is a man in my bed & I’m semi naked but know that I haven’t had sex…He gets up & leaves, I have to transfer him money for petrol as I don’t have cash. We chat a few times after that night, but it dwindles off & he also stops liking & commenting on my Facebook blog posts, so I don’t really know what happened there – Assuming he got a girlfriend, he was trying harder than I was to date seriously… I didn’t put in a lot of effort to be honest either, I mean I did break my rules & message first sometimes, but I have also been told, if a man wants you, he’ll do anything he can to have you… But I am broken hearted, I probably shouldn’t have even kissed this poor guy to be honest. I never got the podcast thing off the ground either actually, I probably should look at doing that. My friend doesn’t want to do it with me because she thinks we’ll fight – she did a lot of planning work but then got busy with her own stuff too so maybe two of my readers want to do it with me? I am thinking another woman & a dude… Any takers? Hahaha…

#IBD4U

I was intrigued while I am with Milky, Max & Noodle to have someone tie me properly in rope, but none of them were very good with rope as in proper knots & suspension – or at least they never uses those skills with me.

I was asked to go to a rope night with a chick from the chat app. I decided to go, who knows I might just make some friends & have a good time. Again, just trying to fill a void, fill a night with something I can do & hopefully I won’t think about Noodle… I forgot about the night until a chick in the group asked if I was going, I had a friend from work following me home to get ready for the gym – she was starting at my gym so I was going with her to a class (my gym instructor will be happy that I prioritised the gym this time instead of skipping it for a dude! Hahaha…) I went to the gym & raced back down the hill to the rope lesson.

I wasn’t sure what to expect because I hadn’t really talked much about it, but they said I could go on my own & I’d be partnered with someone. I tried not to be nervous but I am freaking out… What would this place look like, what would the people be like? I met my friend outside (which was also the first time I had met her & her husband face to face) & as I was a little late because of the gym, I was ushered into the room. The girl I know introduces me to her husband & also another guy from the chat group who is one of the rope teachers.

There is scaffolding type structures around & chairs, wasn’t what I was picturing at all but also kind of matched what I did picture, if that makes sense. It’s just like a hall really, everyone seemed friendly. I learn that the people tying are called Riggers or tops & the people being tied are called a Bunny or bottoms.

The newbies all get put into a corner of the room & the teacher guy pairs us off for those that aren’t a couple. There’s a guy more my type & a geekier looking guy plus 2 other chicks, one stunning & one average. The teacher keeps the stunning one for himself, puts the average one with the guy & pairs me with the geeky one. I automatically feel weird about this. How am I going to let this guy tie me?

He introduces himself & he has the same name as Boyfriend, so that also puts me off. Hahaha, poor guy! The teacher shows us a knot & the guy asks for my consent, if he can tie my wrist, he ties a few up my arms & then get another piece of rope & goes higher. It actually feels pretty good & I really like it, but I feel a bit weird with someone I don’t know tying me up. However I am not restrained completely & I feel safe in this space. My friends are over in another area so I can’t really talk to them.

The teacher shows us another type of knot & tying, but my rigger just tries the same ties up my arms again. The teacher asks what he’s doing but he says he’s trying to work out this knot. I just stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do, with my arm out, not only is this guy my height, a little geeky & talks so quiet I can barely hear him & he’s only centimeters away from me.

After he ties the second knot, he decides he needs a smoke & the toilet. He puts on his jacket & picks up his backpack like he’s leaving. I stand around awkwardly while the teacher is tying the stunning girl in an awesome looking tie, he says he has to leave early but otherwise he’d tie me the same just so I can experience it. It really makes me wish I had a rigger partner, because I feel like a loser.

The girl I met there called over the guy we know from the chat app & asked him to the do the tie on me, he said ok, but since he was teaching his group of intermediate people, he took me over to them & as he was about to start on the beginner tie, one of his students asked about a suspension tie, so the teacher asked if he could do it on me. I thought, now we’re talking! Yes please.

He asks me to put my hands on my head but then start tying them up, and ends up tying me to the scaffolding then starts tying around my waist & chest, showing everyone what they need to do. I felt amazing. I loved being the teachers bunny (for lack of a better word!)

He unties that & then ties my hands behind my back in the beginner knot (that I have no idea what the names are), he does it quickly & swiftly that I feel comfortable & not at all weird, like I did with the other beginner.

My friend takes some photos & sends them to me, which I adore – this was much more fun that I was expecting, I did feel a little awkward but I do enjoy it mostly. He unties me but then his student asks for a leg tie, which the teacher demonstrates on me again. I didn’t think I would like being centre of attention, but apparently I do. I thought I would feel self conscious but I didn’t. I actually enjoyed the evening & while I do wish Noodle was here with me, I know again he would hate this & would feel stupid if he couldn’t get the tie, but if I am at anything like this, I want to be with him.

I realise that how much I am a rope bunny & wish that I had a rigger partner to keep coming back to these classes – which makes me miss Noodle even more… I know you all think I’m stupid for wanting him still, but when you feel that kind of connection with someone, it’s hard to shut off. I think I will end up liking going to rope classes – finally a moment of sort of being happy after months & months of doom & gloom, but I am just concerned about going again & being paired with someone awkward.

#IBD4U

The second of the three men I encountered at the Play Party, found me on the chat app & talked to me every day, basically just asking me to hook up with him again. I kept kind of ignoring him for a few hours, trying not to be so available as I’ve been told I am but when I go to write back to him, I realise that he’s deleted his account. Rightio. Fucking idiot!

I go to CheeseFest the next weekend with some friends only to see him standing at the next stall. I turn away & tell my friend that he was one of the guys from the play party. I turn away trying to not let him see me, but I saw as we walked past that he tapped his friend on the shoulder & pointed me out. We didn’t speak, I wasn’t that keen anyway, so what did it matter.

Now my name on FB is not my full real name (mainly because I know that Noodle’s partner will be trying to find me) & my profile picture is a cartoon but also so clients at work can’t find me, because they tend to use it as a way to contact me. I have a work mobile, email, desk phone & fax, they don’t need my personal FB page to contact me too.

Anyway, this guy finds me on FB & messages me to say he likes my profile picture. I ignore it. Later that night he creates a new chat app account & messages me on that saying he saw me at CheeseFest. I stupidly write back, but with Crows being a weirdo, I don’t have anyone else I’m fucking so maybe this could be something more than just a fuck buddy? I decide to “give him a go” – OMG I can’t believe I even said that to myself.

I write back to him say that he should’ve said hello at Cheesefest, he said he didn’t want to embarrass me as he wasn’t sure if my friends knew about the play party or not, which one did & I told the other one later in the day so wouldn’t have mattered. But he still could’ve said hello if he wanted too… However he asked to see me that night, I said I was too tired (OMG there’s a sign I’m not keen… I was never too tired for Noodle – ever! Even at 5am!) & maybe could see him before I go away for work the following week.

He comes over Monday night as I am packing to go away for the week, we sit & chat for a bit before he says we’re sitting too far apart. Next minute we’re kissing & I’m sitting on his lap. He asks where the bedroom is & starts to get up, I try to get off his lap but he acts like he’s going to carry me. Hell no! hahaha. Why do men always try to carry me? I’ve had that happen a couple of times, even Noodle tried too once. I take him to the bedroom; we kiss & undress & fool around. We find a condom & he switches positions before I can even feel him. I start kissing his neck which he is quite vocal about how good that feels, so I keep doing it. He asks me to bite him & give him a hickey, so I suck hard, making sure it’s high up so he’ll have to explain it tomorrow. Hahaha… I don’t think I’ve ever given hickey before?

After we’re done, he lays around for a while just chatting & what not. I am keen for him to go, but find it hard to tell him too. When he leaves, I jump into bed & look at phone at the chat app, he’s left the group again, no worries, he has my details. But then I realise that he’s probably deleted his account completely again, so I check & he has! Complete delete… WTF?! He basically deleted his account completely in my driveway!

He creates a new account a few weeks later, messaging me & joining my groups while I ignore him. He deletes those I assume & creates another a week later messaging me. Trying one more time, he finds me on a dating site & likes my profile but I ignore him. Like seriously dude…!

A month or so later he is still deleting & creating new accounts, each one he messages me on. He even adds me on the online dating app I use for another short time. I ignore that too. By the time he gets to his 6^th account, he writes ‘Hey #IBDFU, its Play party guy here, we met at the party & came to your place, how have you been?’ I am not going to reply, but he stays in my group, so I remove him from it, then he messages to ask why I removed him. I again decide that I am not going to write back but as I think about it over & over, I get angrier & angrier, so I decide to write back “Are you actually kidding me? You basically delete your account in my driveway then you keep creating new ones to talk to me… You’re an actual fuckwit. As if I would ever go there again”. He reads it almost instantly but never responds… A friend thought it would get him thinking, but I doubt he is that capable of self-reflecting his behavior. I never hear from him again at all… I never even see him around the chat app again either to be honest. Unless he’s stopped using his name? I’m not sure & I don’t even care.

I consider contacting the guy who runs the play parties to ask him to let me know if this fuckboy is going to be at a party that I am at, however I just let it go – I’m not sure if I’ll ever go again to be honest. I’m pretty sure I could get him banned as single women are much more sought after for those parties than a single man. But I let it go. This is just another reason why I will never get over Noodle. If this is the type of guy out there, no wonder I got so caught up with Noodle… No relationship is perfect, Noodle treated me poorly but I miss what we had… I mean there were obviously other reasons I fell in love with Noodle, but this hurts like fucking hell being dicked around by awful men I am not even interested in!!

#IBD4U

So with Crows MIA, no Noodle to speak of, I have no one to have sex with & I’m still too hurt to be looking for a proper relationship online or otherwise, so I message Flaccid (OMG what is wrong with me!? Heartbreak will do weird things to you…), who’s been messaging incessantly lately just to say hi – he’s back from the UK & single (I guess). So I invite him over being that the second time with him was better. He says he’s free but has no car, I say catch an Uber or Taxi & I’ll drop him home later, so then he says he’s busy & been drinking. Whatever dude! So I think fuck you & give up on him. I chat in some groups of just random Adelaide people on the chat apps, when one dude says to come to swingers type play party with him. I don’t entertain the idea because I don’t know who this guy is (let’s call him LJ), he’s new to the chat app group, however, I private message him to get some information, especially since it seems I’ll never go with Crows like we’d planned.

LJ says he’ll call me, which I hate but I decide to let him call especially with the nature of what I am considering, a phone call is probably the best way for me to get a gut instinct. So we chat for 20 minutes & I feel at ease with him, that before I know it I am saying that I’ll meet him at my local pub. He says he’ll come pick me up, but I decide to get an uber to the pub to meet him instead, after all I don’t know what this guy even looks like. I don’t want him to meet me at my house. So I spend a long time getting ready, having talked to LJ about what to wear to the party, he says whatever I feel comfortable in, so I wear my outfit that I wore to Hip Hop because I look good & feel good in it. I figure it’s easy to get on & off but I am doubting ill find anyone there to fuck anyway!

I get to the local watering hole & I have no idea what he looks like so I message him & tell him that I am at the bar. He sees me & comes over. He seems nice & we get along eaaily. He’s not my type physically & he’s a little older, probably shorter than me since I’m in heels but he seems nice enough anyway, but like he said I don’t have to play with him (fuck him), he’ll just take me & I can do what I want. He’ll show me around & introduce me to some people who run it & then I can see how I go. He says he’ll drop me home if I want too but I just say we’ll see what happens. I am not sure how long I am going to stay at this thing to be honest. I have this idea about what a play party is like, I am picturing old overweight men, balding & sleezy – twirling their mustaches. I am picturing older women too, no one my age & don’t think that I will even find anyone there to have sex with to be perfectly honest!

We have a couple of drinks at my local shithole bar – which is the opposite end of the universe for him & then we drive down to the drive though the bottle shop to get some drinks then head to the party.

He pays for my entry which I think is $10, I’m not really sure. He shows me where to put the drinks, as they have a bar that has people recording your drinks as there was some problems apparently with drinks being stolen or spiked etc. I like that my drinks are safe with the bar people. LJ walks me around the house showing me what is available, there are 3 rooms with doors, an open room with 3 beds, a lounge room where people are watching porn, a spa outside, another room with a bathroom attached, a room with a sex swing & he shows me where the lockers are to put my stuff safely but other than that it’s just like a normal house. Too much like a normal house to be honest… It’s not at all what I was expecting.

I am petrified that Noodle will be at something like this, but I also know that he would hate it & probably wouldn’t come anyway, however I am not sure what he’s doing. It’s been a couple of months now since I ignored his last email. I think I know Noodle well enough to know that he wouldn’t go to this, but I also never thought that he would have a matching user name on the chat app with her, or with anyone. So maybe I didn’t know him at all…

I am also certain that he would judge me for being here, but at this point, I am just trying to get over him… I am trying new things, I am not going to sit at home & wallow in the fact that he’s swinging & doing fuck knows what… I am going to go out & live this life – who knows where it may lead me.

It’s cold & I’m wearing a skirt & singlet – stupid me for thinking late October is supposed to be hot in Adelaide, at the very least warm. So I go to stand by the outdoor gas heater, with my drink, not really sure what to do… I see LJ get in the spa & I don’t think that I can get in there as everyone is naked in there, so I just stand awkwardly by the heater, where I feel like I am swarmed by dudes. I guess I don’t need to do anything… I literally have a circle of men standing around me, of all different ages before I even know what is going on. I am mainly surprised that most of them are in my age bracket or younger. There are older men here & older women but I am so surprised at hoe many decent looking men my age are here.

One guy asks me if I want to go find a room with him & I agree, I am also surprised that I have agreed to fuck someone & found someone that I like the look of – especially so early in the night. We got into one of the rooms & they aren’t really what I think they’d be like. This is a guys house, he lives here, so there is boxes of crap in the corner with a sheet over it – I’m assuming to hide it. There are condoms, lube & tissues on the bedside table, a small bin & there are a pile of sheets in the corner as you’re expected to change the sheets afterwards (for obvious reasons). I fuck him & it’s ok, but it seriously reminds me of being at a high school party & being in a room with someone as there are people chatting normally outside the window & we’re inside the room fucking.

I go back out to the heater & am swarmed with men again, another guys asks me to fuck him, but I say no – he’s not my type. I get a drink & don’t really have to do a lot before I am asked by another guy to go to a room with him. This guy I have seen around the chat app comes up to me & asks me to go with him, I say yes & we have sex in the same room as I used with the last guy… I kind of feel a little weird about that to be honest. We have sex & also chat about the chat app too – how he knew me before I knew him.

There is a guy I like the look of the most, but he seems standoffish so he doesn’t approach me, when one other guy asks me to fuck him so I says yes & head into a different room with him. As we’re going in there, the second guy asks if he can join, but the guy I’m with says no. I see LJ laughing as we shut the door, as he saw the whole thing, the second guy asking for another go. Again, it’s ok sex, I mean the whole being in a weird room & with people chatting outside, it’s weird – I can’t relax.

I am surprised that I have a decent night, I am not sure it’s something I will go to on the regular, or if it’s something I enjoy. I mean I don’t feel great about myself to be honest, fucking three men in one night… But when you are trying to fill a void you will do anything to get there… I can’t turn to drugs & I am not really drinking a lot of alcohol as I haven’t eaten properly since May when my life went to shit.

The only person I want here with me tonight, is Noodle… Not that he would’ve come anyway or would we be here, we’d be at home probably fucking – he would’ve hated it – well the man I knew would’ve hated it. I mean our sex life would’ve been enough for both of us, so we wouldn’t have needed to go to a swingers party… But do you know what… Nothing helps fill this fucking void… I’ve fucked 8 men since Noodle (that’s not a good number! Jesus) & do you know what… None compare, none have helped me. None will ever compare to Noodle… FUCK… I want what I had with him, even if it was only part time, at least it was real, I feel so empty, so hollow & just because some guy stuck their cock in me, doesn’t mean I’m over Noodle… Not even in the slightest. I miss him like crazy, I miss my best friend.

I’m lonely as fuck & I hate it…

#IBD4U

After all the drama blows over with Noodle – well it’s not blown over, it’s only just stopped, I’ve stopped replying to his emails… It hurts with every heartbeat but I had to stop emailing him. As much as I don’t want too, I had too… I am distraught at this point & the only thing keeping me going is how much I love my work – it’s a consuming job & I put all my effort into that & I put all my heart into the gym.

One Saturday morning, about a month since I saw him last, Crows says he’s going to come over after work. I have fucked a few guys, not waiting around for this one, who is married still himself… Albeit, he says that he’s separated… If we believe him. This morning he decides he’s coming over, I actually have a baby shower to go to & he asks me what I’m going to wear. I send him a picture, at this point I weigh the lowest I have ever weighed, probably because I basically haven’t eaten since May – It’s October & I’m exercising like a maniac… I hope one day I will be over Noodle, but today isn’t that day. I am wearing a white lace skirt & black top with cute strappy heels, I look amazing, I send Crows a picture & I really can’t help but want Noodle to see how good I look today too, but obviously, we aren’t talking. Crows tells me that I look hot & that he doesn’t want me to wear panties. OMG… To a baby shower! Jesus… Can I do that?

I decide that this game will be fun, so I slide my panties down my leg & pack my bag to go to my friends house. On the way to the shower though Crows messages me, tells me to pull over & take a live picture for him of me without panties. I do as I’m told, I don’t want to waste time having to massage him when he’s here to fuck me.

During the baby shower, I am turned on the whole fucking time, this is not a good place to be turned on, but I am! I’m wearing a skirt & there is a slight breeze, I didn’t know I would be able to feel. I am oddly aware of the fact that I have no undies on & am constantly thinking, what if someone notices?! I feel so naughty.

Crows messages me though the baby shower & demands I go to the bathroom & take a picture so he knows I am not wearing underwear, which I do, this turns me on more & he sends me a picture of his cock protruding through his work pants. When he says that he’s almost finished work & will be on his way to my house, I make my excuses & head home to await his arrival. I want him to see me in this outfit, I am not sure why, but I do. I guess I want him to see me looking normal, not just in bed, naked.

I leave the front door open & let him know to just come in. He’s told me to get out some toys, the restraints, a butt plug & a vibrator. So I am in my bedroom with a beer, trying to find all those things, when he walks into my room & startles me. I walk over to him & he asks where his beer is with a cheeky grin so I offer mine, not wanting a punishment, so he has some of my beer & we kiss. He is wearing track pants & a t shirt with a baseball cap, odd attire for work, I think he’s an electrician or something? I don’t really know. We talked about it but I don’t remember. I am too caught up in my own drama to remember what he does or doesn’t do. I’m assuming everything he says would be a lie anyway.

We both get undressed & he ties me to the bed pretty quickly, he’s told me that he has a bit longer today but he still doesn’t have a lot of time. He goes down on me making me cum so hard & fast that I can’t even see straight afterwards. He uses the vibrator to make me cum again & also finds a toy to spank me with, hitting my tits with his hand & kissing me deeply. I love how rough he is with me.

Crows is the first guy ever (I know yo might find this surprising) but he’s the first guy ever to rim me. He spends a lot of time on my butt… I don’t hate it, but I don’t rate it… I wonder if it’s because I am so conscious of what comes out of that hole that I can’t relax & enjoy it?! It was something Noodle & I discussed doing in the shower of the gym (but now his partner has done it for him – he doesn’t need me…) Crows then finds the butt plug & he lubes it up with how wet I am & slips it in my ass. He goes down on me again for a few minutes before kissing up my body where he slips on a condom & slides deep into me, kissing me & my nipples while I’m tied up that I am literally writhing around on the bed, I know that my hair is going to be a fucking birds nest, I am twisting & turning my head like a mad woman, trying to get away but totally loving this.

As he fucks me I am cumming again so hard, that I feel like the butt plus slips out & that makes me cum harder. He pulls out when he is almost done, rips off the condom & cums all over my tummy… Guys seem to like marking me with their cum. I wouldn’t just let anyone do it, but I have fucked this guy a while & he’s just been though the fucking STI scare, I’m surprised that he’s even talking to me still, I mean I’m not sure that I would keep seeing a guy with so much drama. But I guess he knows he can trust me because I never did anything bad to Noodle, when I had every opportunity to do so.

Once we’re done, Crows unties me & I sit up, I have a wall of mirrors because of the wardrobe doors & I catch a glimpse of my scarecrow hair & as I reach up to try to flatten it & say something about how ridiculous I look. He reaches over & tucks some stray strands behind my ear & says “You look beautiful.” FUCK! We kind of look at each other, but I look away first, not really knowing what to do. WTF was that moment…

He asks if he can have a shower & I get him a towel. I go to the bathroom then go back to my room to straighten the bed, clean up the toys & just sort out the disarray that my room is. I look around for the vibe, butt plug & restraints, I find everything but the butt plug. I look under the bed, I look under all the sheets, which I strip & get ready to wash. I pull everything apart & can’t find it. FUCK. I ask Crows when he gets out of the shower if he can see it, but he can’t find it either. WTF happened to it? I kind of give up looking for it because I want him to go so I can do the unthinkable & feel my butt.. Hahaha! (How embarrassing) When he leaves I go back to the bathroom but it definitely isn’t still inside me. I have no fucking idea what happened to it. I have visions of my nieces & nephews finding it somewhere so I look everywhere for the bloody thing but can’t find it at all… I message Crows a few days later to ask if he took it for a souvenir, but he says that he definitely doesn’t have it. I have no idea what the fuck happened to it… All I can think is that when I went to the bathroom after we fucked, it went in the toilet… To this day, 12 months later, I still don’t know what happened to that butt plug! Bahaha… Who loses a butt plug? Yep, I did…!

Crows & I talk a lot about the fact he wants to go to a swingers play party with me, but we never do. I talk to him about a fantasy of a bit of a gang bang type scenario where he would be in charge of a few men who could be there to use me as Crows allows. I always wanted a MFM with Noodle, but never got it, I thought that Noodle would be amazing in this scenario but obviously I am never going to get that… But I don’t see Crows again after that day where I lost the butt plug & the beautiful comment – not because I didn’t try but because Crows never reads my last message to him of me asking to see him when I got home from work that week. Right well I guess that’s over!? Fuck, that makes me more upset, at least he was filling a void, filling that hole (for lack of better word! Hahaha)

The morning of the Christmas pageant, I’m carrying my 2 year old niece, powering through the crowd to find my family who have saved us a place, when I see about 3 steps away from me, Crows – I just about practically walk into him! He’s standing there with some people but I don’t notice who, I just realise how close I am to him & I realise that my gut instinct was probably right, that he’s not as separated as he thinks/says he is. That’s why he’s been MIA, that’s why I haven’t seen him during his jury duty that he’s been doing (I did jury duty & did fuck all but play with my phone, not sure why he’s using it as excuse to not talk to me) – or heard from him at all.

I’m not entirely sure why a guy who is married, gets me to sleep with him on an ongoing basis & then he has the audacity to ghost me! Especially after everything he went through with me that I thought would send him running for the hills, such as the STI saga & the fact I couldn’t stop talking to him about Noodle… I’m actually surprised it went on this long – but it’s over now, I’m done with this guy, even if he was pretty hot…

I don’t do anything when I see him at the pageant. I look at him but I walk by, he’s so fucking lucky I am not crazy… Adelaide is so fucking small… In a crowd of hundreds of thousands & I run into the man who’s fucked me numerous times & then ghosted me…

About 9 months later, I’m chatting to Dom & he commands me to message Crows, see if he’s still on the chat app. I think this is a dumb idea, I mean if the guy was interested then he would message me, right?

But one night after a few wines, I am hitting send on a message to Crows asking if he’s still around. He doesn’t reply for ages but when he does he says that he wondered what happened to me. I tell him that he didn’t write back to my last message & I send him a screenshot of the chat, he says that he never got that message. I ask him if he saw me at the pageant & he says that he did, he was a bit worried I’d say something when I came so close. He saw me coming towards him, I didn’t see him till I was practically standing in front of him. He thanks me for not saying anything & that he trusts me. He tells me that his wife was in the pageant so she wasn’t around him.

We talk about catching up again because he is seriously the best head I’ve ever had & I keep thinking about it, he is going to come over in the morning, however I am going out that night & thinking that a guy might be coming home with me, so he comes over that afternoon for a very quick fuck. He tells me that he wants me naked, tied up with a vibe on my clit so I am wet & ready for him, he doesn’t have much time. He tells me to send a live video to him when I have the vibe on me.

He comes over & goes down on me quickly before slipping on a condom & fucking me hard & fast before he has to go. I never see him again at all after that, we barely talk too & when I try – several times – to chat to him he says he’s been busy blah blah blah. I fucking hate when men say they are busy, it’s so offensive, like I’m not busy too! It’s fucking rude! Fuck you Crows.

#IBD4U

I can feel this is drawing to a close with Noodle. He’s writing less & less to me but still every morning I wake up to find an email written that morning. I am not sure if it’s because he thinks I am trying to blackmail him or if he genuinely wants to talk to me, either way, I think I deserve this exchange even if he doesn’t.

I tell him that I did reply within 2 hours of his last message & then get shot down by him. I tell him that I don’t get notifications on some of those apps, so if he really wanted to get my attention, if it was really over, he would’ve text me! He would’ve tried harder, not just a couple of messages on a chat app he’s not even sure I’m using anymore.

“Just because I was the other woman, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve better from you. Men really underestimate the other woman a lot. I could’ve destroyed everything & probably still could if I wanted too… I did consider the circumstances & understand how hard it would’ve been but ghosting me didn’t make hate you.” I can’t even believe that he isn’t considering the circumstances for me or what I could be capable of. If the shoe was on the other foot & I was the partner & his partner was the other woman, I don’t think she’d show the restraint that I have shown him in the last 6 months! Hell, even the last 18 months while we were together.

“I can give you an answer to what I see in you, Noodle. The list is super easy for me, if it’s not easy for her, then I don’t know what she’s doing… No one cares if you can garden or a handyman…

• You ARE seriously the sexiest guy I’ve ever been with,
• You were loyal to me,
• You were honest with me, brutally so,
• I trusted you, inexplicably,
• Our banter – fuck we had good banter,
• How cute we were in chatting to me,
• How beautiful you think I am,
• You helped me lose weight,
• You lost weight, kept it off & enjoy the gym,
• Despite what you think, you are funny – you made me laugh often – if you didn’t, we would’ve been over long before. Sense of humor is #1 thing I need,
• We are so similar in so many ways – it was so hard for both of us to say we had feelings, I mean we even don’t say hello to people first,
• That you kept up your end of the deal with the #IBD4U vs Noodle agreement, surprised me that a douche would keep up with that deal,
• You excited me – you stirred something in me that I’ve never had with any other man,
• I loved your douche side – kept it exciting, but I also loved how insecure you were sometimes – I saw how sensitive you are,
• The chemistry we had,
• How jealous you got of me, when there was no need to be,
• The way we couldn’t keep our hands off each other,
• The way you kissed me,
• The way you made me feel like the sexiest woman you’d ever seen,
• The way we fit together,
• The way you smell,
• How you’d use listerine every time you saw me,
• The way you brought my sexual fantasies to life,
• After seeing you with your kids I fell in love with you a bit more,
• How dedicated to your work you are,
• That we both aren’t huggers, but always wanted to hug each other,
• How supportive you were of my work & study,
• Even though it wasn’t confirmed when I saw you last, I knew you were proud of me that I was buying an investment property
• But most of all, you love me & I love you.”

I know that he won’t really read this list but he won’t really take it in, I am 100% sure that he will read it but not understand what I am saying because of his low self-esteem.

He still doesn’t get me either, I mean I am great with kids, I have kids toys all throughout my house for the nieces & nephews. I even have a tattoo with the nieces & nephews initials, so I mean I would’ve loved to have his kids live with me. I was excited about it. He told me that no one had mentioned me to her on the chat app, so at least while she was talking about me to friend & a guy that I am fucking, at least they respect me enough not to talk about me.

I tell him that my Facebook name is no longer my real name & my whole Facebook is private anyway so she can’t see me. I am now also in hiding with a bitmoji up as my profile picture. I assume that she was looking for my fake name he gave her in the beginning anyway, but now she has my real name, I am in hiding.

I remind him that my self esteem issues run deep too, that it took me a while to send pictures in the groups & that it took me a while to not shake in front of him when I am naked or wearing lingerie. Right now I am the skinniest I have ever been, I have amazing hair extensions in, I look the best I have every looked & I have no confidence at all.

“I won’t keep emailing you forever, of course, but it has been healthy for me to get some of this off my chest & actually get a reply from you. I do miss you every day, I do love you more than I should or want too. I only ever held back the extent of my feelings for you, knowing I was the other woman & that I would be discarded when it ended, that I didn’t want to be that completely vulnerable with you.” I need to stop emailing him but I also need to get this out… However I’m sure that he’s not actually reading my words… He’s not in the frame of mind to be understanding what I am saying to him.

He replies telling me that he checked a few times that night & there was no reply from me, well bullshit because I have screenshots with times. He says that Sweetie made it clear I was over him & he convinced himself that I was too so he wasn’t going to try hard. Well maybe not, but he could’ve text me.

He says that he doesn’t look sad in his pictures, he just doesn’t smile in his photos. He tried to make a joke about the list & how the first night I had garlic breath, but he uses listerine with me every time. He says that he’s not funny, yet he just made me laugh with that comment. I want to punch him in the face when he says “Pretty much cos I made you feel sexy it made me sexy is the summary I got from that haha.” He’s a fuckwit!

He says that I told her on purpose on the chat app when she was pretending to be him that “You told her on purpose it was a year just to get at her, just as you did you told her you held her kids. That hurt her a lot, you achieved that goal .” & I could’ve said a lot worse!

He tells me that she doesn’t know he saw me after we ended, so I think he should tell her that, that’s something people know that could come out… But he thinks that it wouldn’t make a difference now, him coming to my house with the kids was the worse thing to her.

I am angry that he thinks I look too long to write back, I tell him that I saw that he came back online as the greyed out d turned dark but he never read my message until lunchtime the next day. He never wrote back so I called & then text, then get a reply from him saying not to message him! Like what a asshat. He would’ve tried harder, I mean he tried harder with her when she walked about because I didn’t reply to a chat app message! Deep down I didn’t reply because I knew it wasn’t over… He messaged me the second she left him, again, not actually properly breaking up before dragining me back in again. I knew I would be foolish to write back & yep, I was a fool to write back to him because he’s so scared of being alone that he fought for her back after contacting me.

“You’re an absolute fucking idiot if you summarise my list like that… You truly do deserve to be with someone who can’t even list one thing they like about you besides you’re the father of her children.” At this point, I am angry, I mean really… Is that what he really thinks? This man doesn’t know me at all.

His partner was saying rotten things about me to my friend, such as I have down syndrome eyes & that I look 40. So the fact I told her it was year & that I held her kids (which she knew anyway as he’d come to my fucking house with them) so yeah I am ok with the things I said to her. I could have said so much worse! He let her accost me on the chat app as him, he let her text some poor unsuspecting person when she thought she had the right phone number, he’s even ok with her stalking me on Facebook. I have done nothing to her – I didn’t cheat on her… I didn’t lie to her for over 18 months. I am so angry at this point, that I wish I did say more, I wish she did have my phone number right. Why did I take the high road?!

I tell him that he should tell his partner that he saw me since we ended & that he’s talking to me now. I think that’s the only stuff that could come out now, I don’t want anymore drama so I want him to tell her so that it can’t come out! I highly doubt that he will.

I don’t get reply from him the next morning & I am oddly relieved but also pissed off that he didn’t write back. How dare he not write back to me?! I guess the good thing about that is that he knows that I am not trying to blackmail him with that document?!

6 days later, I see his fucking name pop up on my phone & my heart drops.

He says that he’s sorry that he didn’t reply, he didn’t want to get into the habit of messaging daily again. He says that she left & I was the first person he wanted to message, even though it looked like I was over him. He assumed I’d ignore him or tell him to fuck off. -How can this man even know me if he thinks that little of me & what we had? He says that he thought it would only take me weeks to get over him because of all the attention I get online.

He says “I’m not scared of being alone , I’m scared of losing my kids . I’m scared of a lot of things , not being alone though.” So he’s staying with her because of the kids, not because he actually wants to be with her. Right… Thought he said he loved her?!

He ends his email “Thank you for doing the right thing by me.” I am done, I am furious by that response that I don’t ever write back. I draft a billion replies in my head, but I also don’t want to send one & have him ignore it. So I ignore him. He doesn’t deserve a reply, he doesn’t deserve me. I am still adamant that this is not over for us, in one way or another, but right now. For now. It has to be over for me. I have to move on.

Later that month – a few days after I ignore his last email, Noodle posts on the anonymous app “With one chapter ended another one can start” I think that is aimed at me, not something he is trying to do… He wants me to move on… Then a couple of days later I see “Get out of my head ahhhh” It takes all my might not to reply or write an email to him. But I don’t…

I always wonder or hope that he will write to me to ask if I got the email or if I wrote back & he didn’t get it again, but he doesn’t. I want to write to him, I am desperate to know he’s ok. But I restrain, somehow, I restrain.

I will put you all out of your misery, this is the last Noodle post ever – he will feature in my thoughts of course, until hopefully one day I am over him… So don’t think that’s the last you will see his name, but it will be the last Noodle titled post!

I am gutted, hurt & devastated. I know you all started to hate him – you think he’s weak & manipulative, but I am in love with him, despite that… I saw a destroyed man, unable to make a decision where no one got hurt… But I didn’t deserve to be treated this way at all, but I must be the one to walk away here… He doesn’t know me at all if he is only replying because he thinks I have a blackmail document.

You can now see why I have extended the length of my posts to hurry this story along, I need this story to be over – it was over a year ago in real life & I have been struggling mentally reliving this… I am glad I told this story, I am glad I have posted it, I almost didn’t post it at all but it honestly shaped me to the woman I am. I sometimes doubt that he loved me – especially reading some of your comments, but at least I can say that my biggest fear of loving another human with all my heart, is no longer a fear. I did it, I felt loved… I am more at peace than I have been in a long time. I was scared I was becoming bitter, but now I know I have a heart, I know I have one because even though it’s shattered right now, I felt things I never felt before.

Stick around though, because honestly, my life is hilarious! I don’t know how things happen to me that never happen to anyone else…

Thanks for reading the Noodle story & sticking by me.

#IBD4U

Noodle’s replies to my emails get shorter & shorter… I know he wants to stop talking to me, but while I have the timeline, he will keep talking to me. I wish he knew me better, but obviously neither of us are thinking clearly. I wish he knew that I would never use that against him. I know I said in my email that I would, but I would’ve done something ages ago before he hurt me if I really wanted to be vindictive.

He tells me that he’s very sorry for how it went done & that I never got a proper goodbye because we weren’t together. –Fuck that annoys me, he was the one who told me that he now considers me an ex-girlfriend, but now he tells me we were never together… Make up your fucking mind Noodle!

He says “That hurts reading that you were going to unpack my stuff and given me a draw. I can tell you with the bottom of my heart it wasn’t easy for me to ghost you or take my stuff .” At least that hurt him to see that I had moved his stuff, I was so excited to live with this guy “I never thought you’d fall so hard for me . I never tried to hurt you ever . I always assumed you were so strong & never expected you to cry for me ever . You’ve always presented yourself as a strong single chick & that always scared me . You always come across as a heart made of stone. I assumed you could replace me very quickly & assumed you’d move on quickly.”

He tells me that she doesn’t know he’s emailing me & begs me not to tell anyone, which I haven’t. I have learned my lesson with that – but I think he should tell her! He says that he denied everything that his partner was told but it kept going over & over in her head till he cracked & told her the truth & she walked out. I guess that’s when he started messaging me, I wonder if I replied straight away if we’d be together? I can’t think like that… He was never going to leave her & she’s taken him back now, so she’s willing to forgive a million lies.

He says he didn’t know I had a new chat app account when he sent the STI messages & apologises for coming across like a asshole. He thought I wasn’t using the anonymous app & when he realised that I was, he’d deleted his posts because he didn’t want to upset me.

He has a go at me for telling the cops he has guns, tells me that there’s a lot I don’t know about him & he thinks that we would of struggled with different interests that he kept hidden from me because he didn’t want to look like a loser as he thinks I’m this super cool sexy chick that everyone wants… I think that he forgets that I’ve told him so many times that I have never been cool in all my life until I got on this chat app. I mean I’ve been single for like 10 years at this point, I can’t be that sexy or cool if no man wants to be with me!? He says that he loves guns, watches wrestling (which I already knew), that he watches a lot of animation TV shows, he even tells me he has a Facebook page that has a lot of followers that is all about 90’s nostalgia. (I stalk Facebook for days trying to find it, but I can’t…). I pretty much knew all of that from things he’d said over the year & none of it mattered to me. He says “I’m a lonely fucker that fell for a sexy ass chick . I’m not outgoing & very shy. You would of realized the mistake you made when you got to see me outside my online personality which is my personality with its volume dialed up a bit.” He blames his kids being a burden to me & his debt… I fucking hate when he does that. He apologises again & says he never wanted to cause me drama.

I spend ages agonising over my replies to him, I think his are just a quick rushed replies when he can in the morning while she’s asleep. They’re getting less & less wordy… I am hating that, knowing that we are coming to the end of this, we are going to stop, he is going to stop replying soon… I mean he should, we should. This isn’t a good idea, but I fucking love this man so much that I want to talk to him every day, I hated not talking to him every day.

I reply saying that of course his untrimmed pubes were never a problem, I was just pointing out that I put up with a lot of stuff from him including being hidden for a year & only seeing him & chatting to him on his terms, I did a lot for him & he treated me like shit… Twice, acting like I don’t even matter! He had said that he didn’t expect me to reply straight away, but of course he did, when I didn’t reply he tried to salvage his relationship! It hurts to think that perhaps if I did write back, I’d be with him right now or would it still end with me & he’d go back to her once she realised he was with me? Would I even have the life I dreamed of with him, now that she knows about me? I don’t think so… I don’t think she’ll ever let us be happy together, even if she is happy with someone else herself. She will be a toxic ex & will always be in the picture because of their kids…

I am so fucking hurt here though, I am so in love with this man, so devastated that I am not going to be spending the rest of my life with him & he’s saying to me that we weren’t even together?! “The fact that you say “we were never together” yet you said you love me & also now consider me as ex girlfriend… To me I did deserve something better than you secretly contacting me on the anonymous app saying she’s got your phone don’t contact you & then only hearing from you again when you decided to snap at me. I mean fuck Noodle, take some responsibility for the way you treated me & just once realise that you should’ve done more to try to end it with me in a better way, rather than ghosting me. I could’ve been so crazy & actually ruined your life, I probably still could if I was like that but I actually respect you enough not too do anything. I guess I just didn’t realise you didn’t respect me & think I deserve better…”

I tell him that I cancelled my other gym membership, the one I used with him & I had to delete him from the chat app because his profile picture has his face up & his eyes look so sad, like I can tell that he took that in the car, probably with her because her’s is similar on the other side of the car…

I tell him that I never thought I would fall for him either, I was strong, I never used to cry, now I can’t stop, even 4 months later! I tell him that I have no desire to tell his partner anything, however I tell him that he should tell her the truth about us & also come clean about emailing me. I don’t trust her not to do anything & think he should be honest with her now.

I go through stages of being angry & hurt, I tell him that he should’ve warned me that she was going to log onto his chat app account & pretend to be him, so that I could take my face down… He is lonely because his phone is tracked & I know that he doesn’t have a lot of friends & it’s because she would ask a million questions about who he’s out with.

I remind him that he told me about the wrestling & animated comedy, I actually think it’s fucking cute that he has a Facebook page, I tell him that I tried to find it but couldn’t. I mean would I have even liked it anyway? I think different interests would be good, I mean I don’t think that he would enjoy kayaking because he wouldn’t want to look stupid to me, but that’s ok, he didn’t have to come with me, “If our different interests were a problem, it would’ve been difficult when we started hanging out on Tuesday nights or when we went to lunch or when we were driving in the car. It wasn’t. The conversation always flowed...” There are things he doesn’t know about me either, I mean he doesn’t know I write or have this blog (he probably wouldn’t be speaking to me if he did!) He was everything I wanted, I always grinned like a Cheshire cat when he defended my honor with men in the groups.

I know that this isn’t the end, it doesn’t feel finished & I wonder if that because he never gives me a proper goodbye? We don’t even get to see each other & finish it. “You keep saying things like your kids are a burden (You still seem to forget I want kids in my life, just not my own!), that you have no money & you’re holding me back. But never once have I used those things against you as the reasons not to be with you, as you have me.” I hate that he’s using things against me… I know I will defend him, I mean I love this man, I want to be with him. Of course I am going to defend him, but I also fucking hate that I do.

His reply almost starting off that his pubes are trimmed for the first time in months, guts me… Clearly he’s trimmed them for sex with her or another person or whatever the fuck he is doing! I feel like he’s trying to hurt me to push me away because he says “You were the other woman & being treated like Shit was never the intention.” He also says that he would’ve liked a reply within 4 hours. I mean I replied within 2 hours of his last message & I knew that if I did reply he’d ignore it, so I regretted replying at all!

“I do respect you & I’m sorry you never got a proper goodbye . You have to consider the circumstances & I really wanted you to hate me & give you the space & the reasons to get over me.” I wish that I could get over him, but I am starting to realise that clearly I loved him more than he loved me. This was an actual epic love story for me & not for him, because he always had her, because how can he even think that I will get over him that easily?

He says that he felt bad that I put his stuff away & that he thought it was cute, he didn’t realise how much I wanted to live with him or his kids, but he says that it was good to see what I was like with his kids that day & he did imagine our lives together.

A friend has asked me what this guy has that his partner & I won’t leave him alone & are making him make the decision, “I ask myself the same question all the time , what did you see me in me, what does she see in me . She can’t give me answer & it seems like you can’t either. I’m actual shit at everything , I’m the worse handyman ever, terrible at gardening , I don’t even think I have a good personality, I’m a total loser & I’m not even funny. I am literally the most useless man partner in the world (think of Homer Simpson).” I don’t agree with that of course, he always has low self esteem but I am also getting to a point where I am sick & tired of pumping up his ego.

He tells me that his partner thinks about me all the time & it hurts her that we were in love & had chemistry. He says he should’ve been honest but was trying to make it easier on her. He says that he’s tried to look me up on Facebook but he couldn’t find me either! He says that she logged into his chat app account by accident, so he couldn’t warn me to take my picture down. But he says that she won’t do anything now, she would’ve done it already. The kids came into her mind when she gets angry & it stops her from coming after me. I guess that’s one good thing!

“It hurts me our friendship had to end & don’t think I don’t miss it. I thank you for not being a crazy bitch & respecting me.” If only I had the same respect!

Surprisingly he says that he never got that final email, that’s in the blackmail document (Fuck I that that he’s calling it that!) but he says that we shouldn’t be emailing & that they’ve both left the chat app & that he wants me to get on with my life. But he’s surprised that I still feel the same way about him & that I miss him so much. Well he was my fucking best friend, I miss talking to my best friend more than anything!

#IBD4U

The emails continue daily, Noodle replies every morning & I reply by the evening… His replies to tell me that she won’t murder me & that he does have guns, FUCK! but they only fire blanks… Well at least that’s something!

He says that I have no idea what state he was in when she left him the other day, (yeah I do Noodle, you fucked me over several times… I was in a fucking state when you left me & ghosted me!) He says that the document is very detailed & he’s scared I’m going to one day give it to her. He tells me that he didn’t know all the shit they were doing was coming back to me but he has stopped using everything & closed their relationship.

He tells me not to lie to him, that I have moved on & I am happy otherwise I would’ve replied to him straight away… Fuck I feel like he doesn’t get me at all! He tells me that he was stupid to show her where I lived but he felt like he was in a rock & a hard place.

Of course he puts himself down & thinks that I can do better than him sexually as he’s not that kinky. I mean this guy, fuck! I don’t know how many times I need to reassure him!?

He doesn’t understand why I want to see him again or why I want to meet up, but he feels like he has too because I’m blackmailing him… He says that he’s on edge with that document & if I want to make my move, to do it soon because he’s sick of all the drama! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? He says that he contacted me because she left him but he won’t tell me why because he doesn’t want to give me more blackmail material… Oh FFS!

I don’t know what type of shrink she is seeing but apparently she tells his partner that she can leave to go interstate with the kids & it would cost him huge amounts to get them back – What a fucking ridiculous shrink! I am certain they wouldn’t say that to her at all… But Noodle believes it. He says that his kids are the most important thing to him & hopes I can respect that. If I can’t, then I should put him out of his misery & get it over & done with! -Of course I fucking respect that, that’s why I left him alone in the first place.

My replies are a lot longer than his. I guess I have more time to think about them, they are more structured that his, he’s all over the place with his topics. But I remind him that he told me should would murder me & that she watches crime shows – she would get away with my murder, he also sent me threats to go to the police, so I made the timeline as a protection for me not to blackmail him. I only sent it to him so he knows that it exists, not to use it against him. The fact that he’s still “shitting his pants” I’ll send it to her, means to me that he hasn’t told her everything like he said he had! The only people with a copy of the timeline is me, Noodle & now my sister on a USB (& trust me, she doesn’t want to look at naked pics of us! Hahaha).

I didn’t reply to him straight away not because I had moved on but because I knew he’d go back to her. He is so scared of being alone that he messages me the second things go to shit. But I feel like a fool again for even replying to his message now that he’s begged for her to come back & she has.

So many people on the chat app have wanted to message his partner, I’m actually surprised it took so long. I mean I have no idea what Crows has been saying to her besides the screenshots he sent me, but I’m assuming he’s loyal to me being I could destroy his life too!

I refuse to boost Noodle’s ego about our sex life, he knows that he was good enough for me, I’ve even told him so many times that he is the best I’ve ever had, yet somehow he uses that as a reason not to be with me.

I remind him that his partner only wanted to do the open relationship & swinging, the kinky stuff because she thought it would keep him. He says he cheated because of the sex but he wouldn’t have fucked me for a year if it was just about sex. You would fuck a multitude of women, not just one & then there wouldn’t be anything to trace.

I try to help him by sending him some links to family court website & tell him that the reason why I backed away was because of his kids. As much as I love Noodle, I think his kids deserve better, but I am not going to be the woman they hate when they grow up.

Again his reply comes early the next morning. He says that he was stupid for showing her when I live & didn’t know what to do. She game him a ultimatum & he gave in – he was under pressure. He didn’t threaten me with the police, it was a warning because he was scared of what she might do. Well I wouldn’t need a fucking warning if he hadn’t shown her where I live. He says he made his decision that day to leave her & that he didn’t hesitate to leave his stuff. He was so scared he never see his kids again.

He knows she was attention seeking but he knew once she took those pills he couldn’t leave her. He says he doesn’t have an ego & I don’t need to feed it, just that I can do better & we should leave it at it.

Apparently the shrink calls Noodle names to his partner, says that Noodle & I deserve each other. I mean really? Is that even true. I think she’s telling him shit to manipulate him, I mean no shrink would call another person a name to mentally unstable person, surely?!

He says that he hates that his family knows that he cheated, they all love his partner, more than him & they would all resent me. He says that he could’ve stayed with them but he wanted to be with me because I am his best friend & he wanted to leave her. He says I was happy on the anonymous app & I was ignoring him to he salvaged what he could with her. (I took 2 hours to reply to his last message!)

It makes me laugh when he says that he avoided the chat app groups! Like what a crock of shit, he couldn’t go into the groups because so many people hated him & the people that did like him, now hate him because of what he did to me plus to top it off, he has a fucking matching user name with her! Don’t fucking give me that bollocks that he avoided the groups!

He reminds me of how much debt they have & that he wouldn’t be able to fight her legally for the kids. So he’s fucked, he does say that he probably deserves it, which I don’t disagree with! However, what judge would award custody to a mentally unstable woman?

I actually start to soften a bit, I am not so angry but starting to realise that Noodle is trapped. Trapped with a violent manipulator, yes he seems weak to some of you – I get that. But if it were the other way around, the man being violent to a woman, no one would think the woman weak for staying…

I am angry about the fact that he never messaged me around her, he always logged off, of course, but that day he was here, I sat there holding his infant while he messaged her all fucking day. Barely even talking to me. & then he breaks up with me again via a chat app… I mean don’t I deserve something better from him? He can’t possibly love me if that’s how he can treat me.

I didn’t really have a chance to reply to him, I didn’t wait because I had moved on, I wanted to wait to my test results & I also wanted to wait to see what the police had to say. I tell him that if he really wanted to get in contact with me, he would’ve text me, not used an app that I don’t get notifications on.

I tell him that her psychologist is terrible that she is seeing, mine is so neutral, I hate to think sometimes what he is thinking about my insane choices – however he never judges me or puts anyone down. So I don’t believe that her psychologist is even saying these things. I think his partner is just saying it to get a rise out of him & manipulate him more… Guess what, it’s working too! Ever heard of gaslighting? Bosses usually do it, I’ve had it done to me a few times & it works! She’s doing it to him now!

I come clean about why I was posting things on the anonymous app because he was, not because I have moved on. It’s the only time that I have ever done anything tit for tat. I hate that I did that to be honest. I guess that’s what I do when I am so fucking hurt & knowing the man I love if trolling online still while I am hurting, not eating, not sleeping…

I don’t think that she would ever get custody of the kids, I tell him that he would probably get them, but I say that he could get legal aid. He reminds that he was going through a break up & that’s why he was on his phone all day, he’d been with her for 12 years. I mean why did he come to my house when it wasn’t over? He says he doesn’t like using her name around me (but I keep using it, instead of partner & him saying wife).

He says “I felt terrible picking my stuff up, it broke my heart even more seeing you had moved my clothes into your bedroom & putting my electronics next to your tv.” Do you know what, I knew he wasn’t going to be moving in, but I never thought he’d come like a thief in the night to get it all, I was expecting him to see that I had moved it & I am glad that it had that affect on him.

He figures that I was ignoring him as I ignored the STI messages (because I wanted my results first!) & had ignored his other messages (because I didn’t want to feel like a fool when he went back to her – which he did!)

He noticed my tit for tat posts & said that it stopped him from using the apps for a while, I was only posting that shit because he was… He says that he wasn’t suddenly over me but it was an attempt at the healing process… (What by hurting me?!) He says that he has a big gap in his life that needed filling, which is why he is on the app.

He says that his family love his partner & treat her better than him sometimes (REALLY? After this!?) but her family wanted her to break up with him. They hate him more than ever & his partners sister has cut all ties with them… WOW.

Noodles partner apparently tells anyone who will listen about the affair, including all her friends & both their families, she also told any new guy online about it because it helps her with the healing process. He doesn’t know why she lied to people & kept the 3 months BJ story going but she knows that we had sex & it was a long affair. He says that yes he did lie about things to protect me & to save his family – it was never a dig at me or to hurt me – but mainly he says that he didn’t think I would ever find out! “Do I miss you ? Yes. Do I still have feelings for you ? Yes. Do I want to fuck with your heart or your head ? No . Do I want save my family & marriage . Yes .”

He tells me that he was never unhappy with her or looking for a replacement. “Did I fall in love with two woman at once . Yes.” He says that he has not idea how hard it was for him… Errr! Yes I do, I was always fucking waiting for a scrap of his time! I know how fucking hard it was!

He talks about the timeline again & says that he’s surprised I had so many screenshots (yeah I am too, why did I save everything?) He says that he can only summarise what we has as “Special.”

He says that her shrink has said to her that he replaced food with sex when he lost weight, also that he gets bored easily & needs to be kept busy… WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SHRINK?! Who says that, he’s not a child with ADHD! I wasn’t just sex to Noodle…

“I’m a terrible person & a terrible partner . I’m sure one day you will see that . I’m truly sorry for fucking with your head & your heart so much . I didn’t want to ghost you , I just had too . I want to be happy & want you to be happy too . Sorry for popping back up .”

I am aware that our email exchange is getting longer & longer. I can’t help it, I have so much to say to him, I hate that I have so much left to say.

I remind Noodle that I know why he was messaging her all day that day, but ask him to put himself in my shoes, the one day I get to have with Noodle, the one fucking day where I thought all my dreams were going to come true & he spends it on his phone to her, while I look after the baby. He should’ve broken up with her properly & made sure it was over before he used me to hold his baby while he sorted shit out.

I hated that towards the end I was always going to him because he couldn’t fake his location, that I got his sweaty balls from the gym, his unshaven pubes & would wait hours on end for his replies…

I tell him that I was going to attempt to put together his electronics, but decided against it, that I was going to pack away all his stuff too in draws. I even tell him that I didn’t tidy up because I wanted home to see that I wasn’t that clean, I just cleaned before he came over all the time because I clean when I’m anxious. I clean while I’m waiting.

I tell him again that I didn’t ignore his STI message, that I was waiting for results & didn’t want to write back to him till I knew. I tell him that I am furious about how he handled that too, I mean I didn’t even get a Hey #IBD4U, just straight into accusing me of giving it to her. I tell him that I never posted on the anonymous app to piss him off, I was hurt, crying & not eating or focusing on uni that I needed to just do something. I even thought some of the posts were from her.

I ask if she knows all the truth, like all of it… I mean there can’t be anything left to find out now, I guess. I question how everything went down because only 2 days prior to that, she told Sweetie they were so happy, strong & planning their wedding.

I tell him about the police report, so he knows that it’s happened & I am being 100% honest, open & transparent, with him in case anything happens.

I see that she is still manipulating him through the things her shrink is telling her, I don’t even believe that the shrink is saying those things to be honest, or maybe I just have a good one!? Noodle clearly didn’t get bored with me after 18 months & is still chatting to me even another 4 months after ending me with so clearly he doesn’t get bored… I’m not sure the shrink is a qualified person at all!

I tell him that he isn’t a terrible person, I wish I hated him & didn’t still love him. But I do tell him that I deserve a proper goodbye. I again try to get him to see me!

#IBD4U

Have you ever waited for STI results before when you’ve have a scare? Every other pap smear, I haven’t really cared because I haven’t every had a crazy person message me to tell me they have an STI, so while it is a bit scary usually, it’s nothing like this… I am freaking out that I will have something & have to contact every guy I’ve fucked to tell them to get tested. I mean this is just fucked…

In the meantime, I draft an email reply to Noodle but wait to send it until I have spoken to my dr. However, as I await my appointment for my dr, a dude with the same name as Noodle joins my group & doesn’t speak – my heart skips a beat… Is it Noodle? Whoever it is private messages me “Why did she have to #IBD4U? Thanks to her I have nothing.” I refuse to write back until I have the test results – assuming it’s Noodle – he’s used my real name. I also check the anonymous app, there are messages from him there too “Well I can you have moved on so why did Sweetie fuck it all up. What’s her fucking end game. I have fucking nothing now. & fuck knows what she’s going to do to you. Seriously #IBD4U what the fuck.” He then also posts on the anonymous app “I’ve fucking lost everything, fuck my life.” I leave work immediately & call my sister. We head straight to the police. I need it on file that something went on so that if anything happens to me, they know who did it. Noodle had told me the day he was at my house, the one day we were living together, that she watches a lot of crime shows & he thinks she’d get away with hurting me. Well not on my watch! We go to the police & report whatever we can, using some of the screenshots that I have as proof of threats towards me. I also for some reason, remember the picture of a gun, does Noodle have a gun? I ask Shark who has guns too, if he ever talked to Noodle about it, but he says that he never did, however he reassures me that it will need to be locked away & she shouldn’t be able to access the key if he is abiding by laws. FUCK. The policeman tells me there is not a registered gun, so I relax thinking it must’ve been a toy. I guess if they had a gun, Noodle’s partner would’ve probably shot him rather than tried to use broken glass or even used it as part of the suicide attempt? Relax #IBD4U, there no gun!

I am able to report the threats with the screenshots & the officer says that he’ll send someone around there if they have time. But I doubt that will happen, however, I’m glad that I’ve reported it & if anything does happen the police will see it & act quicker maybe. I have also alerted my watchful neighbour across the street. She’s on the look out for me in case anything happens when I’m not at home. The police suggest that I make a timeline of the affair with as much detail as I can & give it to someone else. I go through all the screenshots & pictures to make a document of the whole affair. I also give everything to my sister on a USB so there are multiple copies.

As my sister & I are leaving the police station I get another message from Noodle “I’m fucked #IBD4U & you’re going to ignore me.” That breaks me. I start crying. I want to write back but my sister says that I shouldn’t. I head to the gym instead, to boxing to take my anger out on this bloody day.

Crows messages me to tell me that he is in the clear, he has no STI at all. Thank fuck. I am also relieved, the chances of me having one are now even slimmer. When my doctor calls me, he puts me out of my misery & lets me know I am in the clear too! Phew… I mean I knew it, but fuck that was a scary couple of days!

Sweetie sends me screenshots of what Noodle & his partner send her that day. Noodle blames her for ruining his young family & his partner tells Sweetie to get an STI check. She tells Sweetie that they split up & that I won. Sweetie writes back & says that we don’t have HPV. (I wonder if Noodle’s partner ever picked up on the fact she only said STI to Sweetie, but Sweetie was specific & said HPV?)

I reply to Noodle after the gym, asking what he means that he has nothing or no one? I get no reply. But the next day he reads it & doesn’t reply. Fucking Prick! So I write “You beg me to talk to you, against my better judgement, I do & now read my message & ignore me…?” What a fucking wanker. I hate him for playing with me like this… Again he knew it wasn’t over with her & he dragged me back in…

I send a text message this time, to get his attention rather than him being able to log off & ignore me. “I’m not sure what is going on at your end Noodle. But I was going to message you once I’d got my STI results & had been to the police. I want you to know, probably because I haven’t moved on like you think but I had nothing to do with this bullshit. A few weeks ago I was sick of hearing about you that I created a new chat app account to get away from it” He doesn’t reply. So I try to call him but I get no reply or answer. This is the first time I’ve ever tried to call him.

Finally he replies to my chat app messages late that night, after I called him “I didn’t beg, was blaming you for the situation I’m in. Sorry. Don’t ring or text me please. You should of ignored me. Sweetie really fucked things up big time. She told my partner a lot of shit. Including your name wasn’t the fake one I came up. Thanks Sweetie. Not sure why people care about my business I left the chat app long ago. The STI can’t be traced to you & she knows it, it can be transferred via oral & she could of got it herself. You should be safe I don’t think she will come after you cos she would of done it by now. I’m sorry to come back like this. I was trying to avoid you & let you move on.” OMG. How fucking dare he say don’t call me or text. Fucking wanker! He’s trying to avoid me? He messaged me at fucking 12:30 pm yesterday, how is that avoiding me? He needs to take some ownership, Sweetie only told her what he should have – I assumed she already knew everything… He told me he told her everything, I assumed a 3sum would be the first thing he told her & that’s why she kept offering to have one with me. He cheated, he fucked 2 women & fell in love with one of them & he’s blaming Sweetie for the position he is in?! He says that he’s been watching me on the anonymous app which I say that I’ve only been posting those posts because I’m sick of seeing his posts looking to chat to women, that I am not over him. He says that he has to go but she left him & when I ask if he’s going to stay with her, he says that he’s trying to sort it out. Then he’s gone offline! FUUUUCCCK!!!

My draft email to Noodle is ready to send, I skim over it before sending. I don’t know if he’ll ever get it, but I have things to say. I was going to post copies of the email exchanges that Noodle & I have here in the blog, he does write back this time, but I have decided that they are too personal (even though I have told you pretty much everything about my sex life, the stuff about my feelings is a lot harder to write about!) They are too raw, too emotional. I will summarise them for you instead.

I am very passive aggressive in my email again, I will be 100% up front about that, I am so fucking hurt & devastated, I also feel so betrayed, he has brought her to my house, blamed me for his indiscretions, blamed Sweetie for talking to his partner… I mean these are all things Noodle did!

I thank Noodle (sarcastically) for showing his partner when I live, I tell him that I knew she was on the chat app & if I wanted to do something, I would have done it already. There was no way I was going to do anything in the last 4 months, even in the last 18 months since meeting him, I could’ve done anything, I know where they live, where she works, a note on her car (trust me, I thought about it) or just rocking up at their house, fake pregnancy etc… I had all the thoughts, but never acted on them! I am livered that he doesn’t trust me not to mess with him!

I explain myself about why I think Sweetie did what she did, I was telling her that I wanted Noodle’s partner to find out, Sweetie saw how devastated I was that his partner was telling people I know about my relationship with Noodle & how it pissed me off, how it trivialised my first love, whittled down to a 3 month blow job affair. This was an epic love story for me, I meant nothing to him, I feel insignificant… I am shattered about that.

I tell him to take some ownership for his actions, I mean he was online chatting to people before his son was born, when she “accidentally” got pregnant when he wasn’t ready.

I am also angry about the fact he didn’t tell me about the HPV right away, I tell him that I had the vaccination & so should’ve she as she’s younger than me, that I have been tested & I am in the clear of everything, as is the guy I’m fucking. I tell him that Sweetie & Max are also clean, so she didn’t get it from us. I do say though “Interestingly, your partner now thinks that she contracted this from me, when only a few days ago she believed I only gave you BJs & kissed you?!” Something is fishy here for me! I don’t believe she even has anything or that it’s just something to scare me. I tell him that he will probably be too gutless to tell her that I don’t have it, so forever, she’ll think I gave her an STI. (At least Sweetie told her I don’t have anything!)

I tell him that I have been to the police, & that they suggested I make a timeline of the relationship. Mainly because I was a secret from everyone in his life, no one really knew in my life what really went on & so the fact I had so many screenshots, the police said to make a timeline & give it to someone for safe keeping, if I am feeling scared. I am not scared as such, I mean I sort of want her to do something to me, maybe then she’ll get the help she needs?! I tell him that I feel fucking nuts writing a fucking timeline of our relationship & how much it hurt me looking back on the screenshots of all our lovey messages we sent. I attach a copy.

I tell him that I am done protecting him from people on the chat app. His partner didn’t even know who Sweetie was to me, she could’ve been anyone & do you know what she did? She typed out my full address as a warning to Sweetie! WTF… As if Noodle allowed her to do that?! I feel so violated! I tell him that next time I get dragged into this that I will send her a copy of the timeline (Which I kind of regret saying, I didn’t mean it as a threat but fuck I want this all to go away. I’m trying to move on!)

I tell him that I deserve a proper conversation & that he should meet me. I highly doubt that he will, but I haven’t ever asked anything of him, but to meet me for a proper conversation. He should do the right thing by me & meet me!

I’m surprised to find a response from him in the morning… He starts off “Wow, blackmail . Thanks . Never thought I’d see this day , especially from you.” Fuck does this guy even think that low of me!

He tells me that his partner knew about the affair & our feelings but not that we had a 3sum… He says that he hasn’t slept with anyone else since we ended (sucked in!), nor did he fuck other women while with me, which is why she blames me for the HPV. He says that he messaged me as soon as she got the result & that it was just bad timing. That he had to restrain her from going to my house. (OMG!) He tells me that she does have it because he went to the gynaecologist with her & none of the signs point to me, that she could’ve even had it before even being with him. (Still no apology for accusing me!)

He says that his lies were to protect me, including lying about my name. (No they weren’t, they were to protect him! He thew me under the bus as soon as he needed too!) He tells me that he thinks I have moved on therefore he was devastated that he would be left with nothing once his relationship was destroyed. He tells me he will try to meet me but he doesn’t know how he can as the leash is tight. He also asks me to tell Sweetie to stay out of his life. But I mean he did the damage not her. He can’t blame her for playing a part in this, he did fuck her & hurt me, which she didn’t like seeing. Fucking hell, I am so angry, I want to punch him in the face!

I read his email about 10 times before I reply I am so angry he thinks I am blackmailing him, I have no intention of sending the timeline to her, but fuck I was so furious that I didn’t even know what else to say. I tell him that I did it because he says that she’d get away with my murder, says she wants to kill me & that he has a gun. I mean what else was I supposed to do! I sent it to him to be transparent, so he knew it existed.

I tell him that the last 4 months since we ended, I have dropped 10 kgs, I haven’t slept unless I had chemical help, I am finally at a point where I haven’t been thinking about him as much & finally I had started eating again & he has to message to pull at my heart strings only to go back to her again! Then tells me he was trying to leave me out of it & not to message him… I mean WTF.

I tell him that I don’t care if she knows my name, what he should’ve protected me from is her knowing where I live… I mean that’s the only thing I give a fuck about. I tell him that if I had any intention of destroying his life, I would have done it by now, I had no intentions of getting mixed back up with this bullshit again.

I tell him that the fact he has to convince his partner not to come bash me, should be a sign she needs help & I say that I feel for his kids, especially his almost 5 year old son having to go through all this!

I tell him that I deserve better, after being dragged back into this & say that I want to see him face to face, I don’t want a rushed conversation, I want a proper conversation. I wonder if that is a good idea? I wonder if I can even do that? FUCK…

#IBD4U