Leader of the Broken Heart

It’s been about 4 months since I read Noodle’s last email to me & I never responded (at the time of writing this blog – longer than that now, but this is still relevant! I wrote this end of December 2018.) He never tried again to get in contact with me – I check my junk emails sometimes & I used to check the anonymous app daily (even though I no longer post on it), just to see if he is still posting – I think he is but I can’t really tell… I avoid it as much as I can. I’m not sure how that makes me feel, I kind of wish he’d message me but I am thankful that he hasn’t, especially if he hasn’t left her.

I still think of him every fucking day, pretty much all day. I can’t get him out of my head. Probably because I’m also reliving it with you guys on this blog – which is part of the reason I wanted to speed up the progress of this story, it’s hard to relive feeling this shit… I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s or what our life would be like now or even what his life is like now – if he’s happy, if he thinks of me, if he wishes he made a different decision? Oddly I find myself thinking about his kids a lot too… Usually when my nieces & nephews are around – because they’re around the same age, I think of them playing together, I think of what our life would be like with the kids. I also think of little things I used to message him about my food or exercise or something someone said & I want to tell him. That’s when I have to use all my willpower to not message him.

It’s even worse that my job is very solitary, I’m in the car all day by myself a lot while I travel from country town to country town & listen to music – I’m very susceptible to lyrics (always have been), every song that has played in the 8 months since Noodle’s partner found out & we officially stopped having sex, has seemed like it was about us, a love story gone wrong…

He’s always on my mind since I have met so many dickheads, while he’s happy with his partner. I’m still on the dating round-a-bout from hell & I can only assume they’re happy & having wild sex (being she thinks that’s what he wanted or was getting from me.) Meanwhile, here I am – I can’t even use my bloody electric toothbrush because it reminds me of him…

One day doing a long day trip to Kingston SE (7 hour driving round trip plus the meeting) for work, where I find a Spotify play list “Your Top Songs of 2018,” I hit play wondering what I could’ve possibly been listening to this year, a couple of songs play & I crank it up belting out the tunes until a Papa Roach song comes on (one of Noodle’s favourite bands. Ironically I knew their first song from 2000 called Last Resort & a few others but not many. But after Noodle said he loved me & told me he realised because during one of their songs, I listened to every album & learned all the words!) This particular song today is ‘Leader of the broken heart.’

On the way home, the song comes on again & I hit repeat. The lyrics are so me right now. I feel so empowered. I know what it’s like to risk everything & still survive – I am alive! I gave it all to Noodle & it wasn’t enough. That’s not about me, that’s about him. But I finally realise that I must’ve given my all because I actually feel ok about it (I mean I am hurt, angry & still in love with the guy but I am ok), I am on the other side of this alive & kicking.

When Boyfriend & I ended, I crumbled & it took me years to get over it & I think it’s because I didn’t really love him & he didn’t love me. I was so bitter because I was never loved. Now, I know it completely fucking sucks that I don’t have Noodle’s love anymore, but I can at least say now that I know what it is like to love & I know what it is like to be loved. One of my biggest fears has always plagued me & scared me the older I get (at the time of writing I am 37), that I would die without ever being loved. I’ve told you that before, that’s hard to write & also hard to re read… I was 36 when I first fell in love… At least I can be thankful that I have been in love.

I may never get fully over Noodle – he is (or was) my best friend. I miss that more than anything. The way we ended will always plague me too – how he treated me with secret messages he still hid from her – while trying to sort out his life with her, only when it suited him & his situation, but I am ok! I am alive.

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – for those who want to listen.

All the lies you told are now the truth
Here I am with nothing left to lose
Now that I’m crawling in my skin
Maybe it’s time I just give in
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Holding out for more than I deserve
And hanging on to all your careless words
Maybe it’s time I cut the cord
Maybe I stay and take some more
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize

And now you finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Songwriters: Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / James Michael / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Tobin Joseph Esperance
Leader of the Broken Hearts lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

Leader of the broken heart.png

I may never have what I had with Noodle with another guy, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I have 2 regrets from my involvement with Noodle & they are probably not what you’re thinking. I don’t regret getting involved with a partnered man (though I do wish he was single – however I don’t think our story would have gone the same way), I am not at all proud of what I did or what I was a part of but I don’t regret that part. I also don’t regret falling in love or being loved by him – I’d do that all over again in a heartbeat.

My regrets aren’t about me, but I regret that someone else got hurt, she didn’t deserve that & neither did their kids, even though they’re young, they got caught up in this too – one of them is old enough to remember. They definitely don’t deserve that. I am not that type of person to be vindictive or hurtful, so I am sorry I hurt someone else. The kids are the reason why I didn’t do anything crazy, as much as I thought about it.

But my absolute biggest regret is that I didn’t tell Noodle how much I loved him – everyday, every time I saw him. I wish I told him to his face every time I saw him after we first said it. I wish I said it daily in messages instead of using the heart emoji because I was too scared to say the L word. They say more than words show how you feel, but if that were true, he would’ve believed in me more.

But he needed to hear it.

I needed to say it.

So my advice to you all is not to regret telling the people you love, that you love them! Turn to them & say it now… I would if I could… Words & actions are equally important.

So for now… I just have to put it out there virtually… Because I still feel the same… I don’t think that will ever change. But I have to move on.

But for now & always…

I love you Noodle

xxx

#IBD4U

Cowboy #2

I know I said at the end of Cowboy that I’d never have to see him again, but to my surprise, he did message me a bit after the coffee date. We were sporadic, not chatting for days, which is fine with me. I didn’t need to message someone everyday, I’d already been caught in that trap before with Noodle obviously. But it was kind of annoying as Cowboy would chat a lot then disappear for weeks on end then come back saying he’s so busy. I hate when people say they are so busy, like I’m not busy too?! I still get time to write back to a fucking message. You don’t have to message me all day but at least once in a few weeks would be nice & actually make me feel a bit better, like I’m not just a hook up!

He messages me to ask where I’ll be on a date near Christmas & I am going to be in Adelaide, he says that he is too & would like to catch up & have me spend some time with him in his hotel. I think maybe why not? But then he disappears for a few weeks again, coming back yet again saying how busy he has been – yeah dude, we’re all busy!! It’s the week before he’s in Adelaide & of course he starts messaging again to catch up, I say that I’m having a drink with a friend (date with LiveFastDieFun) but maybe afterwards I’ll catch up with him.

I don’t recall him actually asking me to meet him so I just say I’m on my way home expecting him to say come meet me, but he writes back to say that it’s a shame we didn’t catch up but maybe next time. I said ‘Well we could, you never asked’ he then proceeds to send me a screenshot of the conversation where he asked & I said I’d let him know… Jeez I’m so stupid sometimes!

So I say that I’ll meet him at the pub near his hotel, he says that he’s just finishing up & will be there. But I’m waiting for him for like 15 minutes. I was hoping he’d buy the drinks being it’s the day before pay day for me, but I look like a loser so I get myself a beer while waiting. When he rocks up he just sneaks up behind me but doesn’t kiss me hello or anything, just goes to get himself a drink. He sits down & the conversation flows more easily. This is just what I need after that boring date.

We have 3 more drinks & I think that I should stop since I have to drive, he does offer me another one though, but I decline. We somehow get on to a topic of asking which one? Like:

  • Ford or Holden?
  • Winter or summer?
  • Chicken breast or chicken thigh?
  • Peanut butter or Vegemite? (Where he says Promite! Gross!)
  • Coke or Pepsi?

The funny thing is that we never pick the same thing, I ask him heaps of them when we get on the topic, which I can’t remember all of them now but only once do we agree so I high five him! He also tells me that he’s a liberal voter (we all remember Die Hard Liberal – at least he’s a bit different) but I realise that all our core values are very different. Ok so maybe we’re not going to be a lasting thing, but for tonight he’s just what I need. I know that this will piss Noodle off if he ever finds out, but do you know what, he’s pissed me off so much that I just want to hurt Noodle as much as he’s hurt me… Stupid part is that, that Noodle will never know what I’ve done since him… All in vain to fill that void…

The pub closes at 11:30 pm & I say I should probably head off, so he walks me to the corner, when I say goodbye but he says he’ll walk me to the car, I say it’s ok, I’m just across the road & I kiss him on the cheek & hug him, when he says that he should’ve invited me up to his room, so I say ‘You still can!’ then I do the unthinkable & lean in to kiss him. We kiss in the street for a few minutes before I’m aware we’re standing by the pub with people still in it & there are 2 people nearby too. So we stop kissing, he takes my hand in his & we walk back to the his hotel.

I hate this part, walking through the hotel feeling like a hooker. But we’re holding hands so maybe we just look like a couple? We get to his room, I look at his view – which is shit! Then we start kissing & undressing. He’s a good kisser, but he’s short, like he’s 5’3. We undress each other & he goes down on me – really well, I will admit that he did a good job there. Then he says ‘It’s my turn’ & poked his cock in my face. He kept playing with me the whole time, but because I was so sensitive, I had to squirm away so I could concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I really hate when guys aren’t that vocal when you have their cock in your mouth, I mean I try to give verbal encouragement so they know when they do something good & try to react differently when they do something not so great. He doesn’t make any noise at all… Does he like what I’m doing? Who the fuck knows!

He asks if we should use a condom, I say ‘always use a condom’ then he gets his brand new box (which takes him ages to open) & puts one on. We have sex which is pretty good, then he lies down next to me & puts his hand over me rubbing my skin as we just lay there – I like when guys aren’t scared to touch you after sex. I’m not falling in love with him – of course, so it’s ok to be affectionate & it’s nice to know they want to touch you. Not more than 5 minutes rest & he’s kissing me passionately again, making me cum with his fingers before jumping up for another condom. This time he’s behind me, I’m on my knees, he spanks my ass a little but to be honest, for a Cowboy, I thought he’d actually spank me, not just tap my butt. The sex is good again & I basically fall asleep.

Cowboy never regret.png

FUCK! I fell asleep. I wake up after he lies on the bed, so I get up go to the bathroom & realise that my period that had stopped, has returned from Private Party weekend, I hope he didn’t notice! Anyway I get dressed then kiss him goodbye.

No, correction! I hate this part more! Leaving the hotel after you’ve just fucked someone, feeling like an actual hooker! It’s 1:30 am & I am walking out the doors playing on my phone because I don’t want to make any eye contact with anyone. As I walk to my car, Cowboy is chatting in my group on the chat app but never messages me.

The next day he messages & we chat sporadically for the next few days until I’m out with friends on Saturday night & I send a message saying I wish he was in Adelaide tonight. Not 10 minutes later, I tell a friend that I caught up with him & she shows me a picture of him that he sent to her, it was taken when he was at the pub with me! Now, I’m not stupid, he can be chatting to other people, fucking other people, whatever he wants – we’re not exclusive, but fuck me, as if he is chatting to someone while actually sitting opposite me, just before I fucked him! Do I not deserve his undivided attention while he is actually with me? It’s so disrespectful. I am so fucking angry… He was chatting to someone else while on a date with me?! FUCK… I didn’t think my love life could get any worse!?

I don’t know what is wrong with me but I cry like a baby over this, not because I like him but because I am so fucking epically single, meeting douches like this, thinking that I have their attention while on a date with them, because Noodle (& other guys) always tell me that I can get any guy I want… Turns out I can’t even have a guy for a few hours to devote themselves to me, that’s all I asked of this guy…

I call him out on it, he says it was just a pic of his face, which I know because I have seen it, but I don’t care if it was his toe – you don’t message other women while on a date, especially when he told me he was messaging clients!!! He apologises, realising his error, but man I feel like such a fucking dick! I fucked him like an hour after he was messaging someone else! I never speak to him again & he is deleted eventually from my group.

Noodle was right about Cowboy.

Fuck, I hate even more!

#IBD4U

LiveFastDieFun

I’d been chatting to this guy for a while, he is younger, by a few years & quite cute, & to be frank with you. he’s the only guy chatting to me on the website I am on, that wasn’t just after a hook up, so I keep chatting to him. I alluded to the fact that we should meet up because I also don’t want to get into another texting relationship again. He agrees but we can’t meet for like a week due to me being away for work then the Private Party Weekend. So we planned a night out straight after work for a drink & perhaps dinner.

He says that he’ll let me know where he is as his job location changes a lot, that was ok with me, I said I’d just work later & meet him whenever rather than going home, then having to go back into the city. He says he’s taken his change of clothes which I think is so cute, I had done the same but it’s cute he had to tell me that – I wouldn’t tell a guy that. At least he wasn’t just using the “I’ll let you know” excuse & looking for a reason to bail. He seems genuine.

He messages to say to say he won’t be long but when I google he’s a 45 minute drive from the city, so I try to choose a place in the north of the city to make it easier for him & say that we’ll just meet at 6:00 pm. I am not far away so I get changed & leave work with 15 minutes to spare. As I get in the car at my work, he messages, so I check it to see where he is when he says that he’s already there sitting by himself. FUCK.

I tell him I have just left work & that I’ll be about 15 minutes. He says that traffic was good for him so he’ll just wait. (what else is he going to do?! Hahaha) But I get every set of fucking lights, my GPS also wants to take me through the city so I ignore it & go a weird way – which probably takes longer. I arrive at 6:10 pm, then can’t find a park, I hate being late so I pay for bloody parking, instead of finding a street park & run across the road.

I see him sitting at the table so when I walk up, I apologise for being late expecting him to stand up so I can kiss his cheek (no longer do I need to have the conversation about what to do when we met, I will just go in for a hug & kiss on the cheek! New confident me – remember I had this conversation with Origin) However he doesn’t stand up, so he makes it awkward & I just offer to get him a drink, because I’m going into buy a drink, he has half a glass there so I think he’ll say no, which is good because my funds are supremely low, but he says yes. Dammit, I think ok I’ve got $15 – it’s the day before pay day I’m always living paycheck to paycheck, but that should get 2 beers, NOPE. I need $17 dammit, so I put it on my newly paid off credit card.

Livefastdiefun ruin everything.png

We chat relatively easily but he looks so young, he’s quite cute but there isn’t a spark there for me, I gather he can feel it too – I mean we probably look stupid together, I don’t look my age but I don’t look in my 20’s. When I go to the bathroom, I come back & ask if he wants to head off, only an hour in, but he doesn’t stand up so what else can I do but sit back down. I start scratching my foot, I think I’m being bitten by mosquitoes. He offers another drink but I say no, then he jumps up to go to the toilet & as he’s walking off he’s like “I won’t be offended if you want to go now” OMG I feel so bad that I just say something like we’ll see when you get back. He comes back & sits down, I’m scratching like mad & say we should head off, I’m getting too bitten. We walk off down the road & I think he’s going to walk me across the road but he just says he’s parked down the street, so I turn back & give him just a hug goodbye.

I move onto my next event for the evening (see next blog – that I forgot about… Whoops) & get a message from LiveFastDieFun, but I don’t log back onto the app until lunch time the next day where I see his message saying that he won’t been offended if I don’t want to see him again. I feel bad, I’ve had this done to me a million times but I don’t think I’ve ever really had to do it. Usually if I don’t feel the spark I just never hear from them again. So I just say that I had a good time, but didn’t feel the spark & wish him well on his search. I was going to say we should be friends, but lets face it, I’m not going to be friends with him. He says he understands & think if the circumstances were different then it might’ve been different. I don’t bother replying. I wish I felt something for him, but I don’t want to waste anymore time with the wrong person. Yep, another one bites the dust!

#IBD4U

Private Play Party

So I am invited to a Private swinger’s weekend, I know a few people just from the chat app but I’d met a few in real life too now through Rope & Switch, even Sleezeball, so I felt comfortable in going to meet people I didn’t know – meeting some people I didn’t know or hadn’t even chatted to ever before. I knew I was safe as it’s all about consent but was still glad I told a close friend where I was going, just in case – You never know right! This is why I think it’s really important that anyone kinky or embarking on a kink journey to tell people around them about what they are planning. I mean I’ve said it before, what if something happened to you & no one knew where you were because you were trying to keep your life a secret. I’m not saying you should all start a blog & tell everyone you know to read it, but at least tell one person close to you that someone is going to tie you up.

Unfortunately a month before, I get my period & when I look at the diary, I realised that the weekend away with these new friends, will be smack bang in the middle of my next one! Damn you Mother Nature! I am not on the pill anymore – I stopped it the day Noodle & I ended because I don’t like the hormones as I’ve discovered they cause a lot of my weight issues & lucky for me shark week is very regular & is only 3 days long, so I didn’t want to mess with that by starting to the take the pill for a short time while I am waiting to have my tubes tied (I don’t think I’ve told you that story, but I have seen a surgeon to start the process of having my tubes tied. I will have a blog on this later.)

So I pull out of the weekend & get my refund. The best part about leaving the group was that I didn’t have to see that suburb keep popping up on my phone as the group name when someone chatted, as it was the same suburb as where Noodle lives, I also wasn’t sure I wanted to go, because I was so scared I’d see him & he’d definitely think I am just driving past to stalk him because there is no other reason I would be in his suburb really. Not that I’d ever know what he thought but I don’t want him thinking that!

A couple of weeks later, people were still trying to get me to go to the weekend, a few people private messaging me, I explain why I can’t go but they tell me just to come anyway, I don’t have to play with people, I can just come meet others. I end up giving in after meeting a few more people at Rope, who will do some candle wax drips on my back for me that weekend. I am excited for this so I get re-added to the group. I guess I don’t have to have sex or I can warn the guy, being up front & he can make the decision himself. (Some guys are weird about it. Noodle was probably the weirdest, but he was wuss with needles & blood.)

I have a work event the Friday night that they were all going up, I don’t want to be there too early on the Saturday so I get my eyelashes done, wash my hair & I rock up about 3:00 pm on the second day of the weekend for everyone else.

After having to drive past Noodle’s street & freaking out a little bit (a lot actually) – pretty much hyperventilating that I would see him or worse his partner. I don’t want him to see me driving though his suburb & wonder if I am stalking him. Thankfully I don’t see him or her, so I calm down in the car before I walk in, I need to regain some of the equilibrium before I go in & pretend to be happy, pretend to be ok with walking into a house they have hired like I haven’t got a broken heart still.

I walk in & some people recognise me right away, others introduce themselves, everyone comes up to hug & kiss me hello & I reciprocate. I feel at ease straight away with this simple gesture from everyone. It’s just like hanging out with really touchy-feely friends.

I know a few people from the chat app but I haven’t met them all in real life, so I get a drink & start chatting to everyone. I feel a little awkward at first but think that I relax into it pretty quickly. Or I hope I do. There are a lot of people asleep apparently because they all had a big night last night, it’s 3:00 pm & so I just start drinking, working out if there is anyone here that I want to have sex with if the period gods are kind to me. I have told a few people that my period will come this weekend, one of the ladies I have become friends with on the chat app says that her husband won’t care & that he wants to play with me, his name is Mav. He’s never private messaged me but she says that he’s keen.

I drink a bit as people get up from their naps. Meeting a lot more new people, there seems to be more people than beds here, but I guess this a free for all kind of thing. There is a woman there who I didn’t really like to begin with on the chat app, she is an exhibitionist & shared a lot of pictures – I guess jealously was the reason why I didn’t like her, when I look back. I only kept her in the group because she kept it active, but I grew to like her a lot as we chatted more & I finally meet her today at this party when she woke up. It was an instant friendship & now she is one of my best friends, we spent all summer at the beach – much to my disgust throwing the tennis ball. Hahaha. (She’ll love reading that!) She is the type of woman who will give you confidence to do or be anything you want to be, I need her in my life right now, it seems little but she made me wear a bikini & only my bikini on the beach… I usually cover up with shorts & a singlet, but she is the type of woman to build up another women, not make them feel insecure, not bring them down with judgement… Honestly she is the best thing for me right now & I love her for that all forgiving, motivational friendship she gives me.

Anyway, back to the party, (Sorry this isn’t a blog about my friend, but more women need to be like her!) so, a bunch of the women seem to know each other & head off inside, I want to go see what everyone is up too, but I feel like I might be intruding. Another friend from the chat app & her husband who I’ve talked about before Holden arrive. I meet them outside, they are quite shy & even though they know everyone, they are a bit shy about coming in. I was too, so I meet them out the front. I introduce them to everyone, remembering how shy they are around new people.

It’s a good night, I drink a lot but don’t seem to get drunk considering there isn’t a lot of dinner around, I do eat a lot of Cheezels as they’re my favourite & the guy who did the grocery shopping, let’s call him Melon, bought a couple of boxes for me! What a legend!

When I go to the bathroom as the night wears on, I realise that I have my period. No one has asked to fuck me anyway so maybe it’s awkward or they’re letting me settle in. I had told them on the chat app that they would have to make the first move, that I am too self-conscious with no self-esteem to do that, plus there aren’t many single people here. Most people are in a couple, so I don’t know the rules here either. Mav’s wife has said the same thing on the chat app, however she starts talking to me quietly about how much her husband wants me but he’s also shy, the 2 of them are shy, I’m shy when it comes to the first moves, so yeah this seems like it’ll never happen! Hahaha. But Mav comes up to stand behind us, putting his arms around us both, he says something about making moves & so I lean in to kiss his wife as he’s being a smart ass. He says that “Well that backfired” & we both giggle. The 3 of us go to find a room, his wife isn’t going to stay, I quickly go to the bathroom & come back to kiss them before his wife leaves us… That was a bit awkward for me, but they seemed to be ok with it. I have pretty hot sex with him, considering I am freaking out about my period the whole time, I am able to let go & cum a couple of times. He doesn’t cum which is lucky in the then end because he realises that the condom has broken, so we stop.

After that, no one else asks to fuck me. The 2 that were going to do the wax animal on me leave early & so I don’t even get that experience. There are people there that say the next day that they could’ve done it for me, but they all knew as I’d talked about it on the chat app but I don’t want to bother people to do things that they don’t want to do – so I don’t ask…

After the weekend, we start planning another one for June long weekend next year, we find a place to go & start talking about planning it. I make the admin of the group change the name of the group because I’m sick of seeing Noodle’s suburb come up in my chat all the time.

However, the June long weekend never happens… I end up leaving that chat group… Something happened that weekend that caused a bunch of the women to not like me, I still to this day, almost a year later have NO CLUE what I did or apparently said but I said something to upset someone & then a few of them decided not to like me.

Private weekend be yourself.png

I have no problem with people not liking me, I do have a strong personality when you get to know me but I would at least expect some respect from the person that I upset or people that were there, they all know what happened but no one will tell me… I feel like I’m in high school when I see some of them & they ignore me but kiss my friend hello… Fucking awkward… Well I can’t apologise or explain myself if I have no idea what I said & no one will grow up & tell me…

This elephant in the room eventually eats it’s way into some other things in my life too, relationships on the chat app & also interferes with Rope – which I hate, people that I used to be good friends now don’t even look in my direction. It makes it horrible & I start to hate going…

The kink scene is a clique, I thought I had real friends within the clique, I knew I wasn’t the cook kid, I’ve never been a cool kid, but I didn’t realise that I would end up on the outskirts… Makes me fucking sad & reminds me that I am so fucking alone & still in love with a man who hasn’t spoken to me in months… I now also have to drive past Noodle’s house home from the weekend, that I had fun at & thought I was friends with these people, only to find out there was this drama a few months later… Yeah… Things are good for a short time, then they’re shit again & I can’t stop thinking about Noodle…

#IBD4U

Play Party #2

I decide that I am going to go to another Play Party – I’m having a bit of a sex dry spell to be honest, I know I have fucked a fair few men since Noodle, trying to fill that stupid Noodle shaped void but I haven’t had sex for a couple of months… This time, I am going to go alone, however on the day on the party, the guy, LJ, that I went with last time says he’s going & I decide to ask him to meet for a drink first & we go in together. I feel a bit rude but he comes all the way from the north to the south to pick me up to take me back to the party, but he doesn’t seem to mind. We go out for a drink at a pub closer to the party & while at the pub, I see Elvis – like WTF! I point him out to LJ, because Elvis walks past us about 10 times when he didn’t really have too, I sort of look at him to at least smile a hello, but I never catch his eye. LJ says that Elvis even stares at me for the longest time. I try to ignore him since he doesn’t seem to look at me when I am looking at him. Whatever dude.

LJ & I rock up to the play party, there are way more people there than the last one, but after a quick sweep of the party there aren’t that many younger cute guys. LJ & I start the evening with a drink & play air hockey, when another guy joins in, to talk to us but then LJ & him disappear & I’m playing with a younger cute dude that was lingering around too. I say to this cute younger dude, ‘best out of 3’ to which I lose & ask what does he get for me losing. We both giggle & within about 10 minutes of being at the party, I am in a room fucking this guy! Hahaha…

The night goes quick there’s another guy I know there from the chat app, who is a little bit older than me – by maybe 15 to 20 years, so outside of my 10 year above, 10 year below rule, definitely not really my type but I do really like him as a person, but am not keen to fuck him. He’s in the spa so he asks me to get in & next minute I’m in the spa with a few people – mostly men. There are hands everywhere (which is apparently frowned upon being no one actually asked me to touch me – probably should’ve got them kicked out, now I look back), a couple of guys to get handsy, but I just keep moving away from them instead of saying stop touching me, as I am not interested in any of these guys who are apparently breaking the unwritten rules of a play party.

A couple get in the spa too & the woman is pushed to the edge away from me, but I like her – not because I am interested in women, but because she seems nice & seems to be pushed out of the group. So I try to engage her because I find it easier talking to women especially when I have men groping me! She tells me that they have been together since they were teenagers & they have been married for a long time, I think maybe close to 20 years & they are just trying to mix things up, this has been their first swingers party. I explain my experiences with the play parties, limited as it is.

When the party organiser says we need to get out, to let others have a turn, I agree, I feel a bit drunker than I was planning. A spa will do that to you… I get out, put on my bra & undies – which I usually get fully dressed but I feel ok just in my bra & undies, I do have a cute matching set on right now. So I walk around the party just in this.

The woman (that I was chatting to in the spa) & her husband ask if I will play with them & find another guy – I think why not… My first 4sum? Seems like a fun place to do it. So I decide to find the guy that was in the spa with us, that I know from the chat app. I ask him quietly & it’s like all his Christmases have come at once when I ask him to come into a room with us. Of course he agrees. We go into the back room which is my preferred room as it’s not full of personal effects, it’s just got the bed. It’s almost like a tacked on after thought building to be honest.

The couple want to play with us, so she gets started with the guy & I get started with her husband, but he is having technically difficulties with is equipment so it ended up being the other guy just fucking both of the women & the husband just played with me. Watching & touching… I’m not really sure if that’s a 4sum or not, but I guess there was 4 of us in the room so that would be the definition of a 4sum.

Play party belive something wonderful.png

Afterwards, I feel confident to just walk around in just my underwear, venturing a bit futher into the party & I hang around with the couple most of the evening now, however I don’t find anyone else to play with that night. I feel comfortable with the couple & don’t feel creeped out at all like some couples make you feel. She is in her underwear too & I feel comfortable with both of them. I decide that there is no one left for me at the party that I want to have sex with. I say goodbye to the people I know, LJ had left earlier, not feeling well & asked the party people to look after me, so I say good bye to them & let them know I have an uber coming.

The wife of the couple adds me on the chat app & says that they went home shortly after I did. She messages me a few times since that night to see what’s happening. She seems really nice. They may be just good friends. They may be nothing at all, but at this point, I am happy to make some new friends. Who knows what might happen! This could be just the friendship I need to get me to stop thinking about Noodle…

#IBD4U

Rope #2

I was intrigued about Rope enough that I decided to get out of my comfort zone & go to another class on my own this time. Noodle isn’t coming back to claim me, I have to move on from that… As much as it hurts & as much as I want to run to him & have him comfort me – beg him to be with me, I have to find something new to occupy my time, I have to try new things. He would hate this, is that why I like it? I have also recently used an app that is not even for dating but just for meeting new people. I went to couple of events & made one friend but other than that it was a bit of a waste of my time. Maybe I need to put in more effort or maybe I just need more time to be alone. I mean I wasn’t going to these events just to meet men, I went to an event purely for women, thinking I could meet some new girl friends, but yeah it didn’t really work out that way. Maybe I needed to go to a few more than just 2 events, but anyway.

I’d know that the rope teacher who tied me up will be there, Ripples, so I wouldn’t be entirely alone. I also knew the guy who ran it after I’d seen him a few times now & at Sleezeball. I go along & only really know those 2 there, but there is another chick that I chat too on the chat app who asks my my nickname on the chat app & I smile, feeling a little shy knowing some of the things I share on the chat app. I actually also become a member of the Rope club on my second night! I end up with the beginners again & used a model for everyone else to see. Ripples does some fancier ties on me so I am not always just having my wrist tied for the entire 2 hours, which is the beginning of every class. It’s good that he’s keen to show me more ties as I don’t want to just be stuck waiting for a rigger & end up with all the newbies every week.

He shows me a tie on my leg, to see what that feels like, it’s so tight, but I love the feeling of it, the restrictiveness of not being able to move. If you get into the right head space, then it’s not causing me claustrophobia, it’s all a bit of a mind game.

I talk to some other people there, getting to know people & when I realise that one of the chicks running the thing also does wax, I ask her to do something for me, she says she will & even can picture what she will do & as my nickname is an animal, I ask her to do that on me one time. She says yes, next time I’m at Switch she’ll do it for me. How exciting! I love the wax pictures, so I can’t wait for this!

I am well & truly in this world now & I’m hooked. However I don’t want to have a guy act like Noodle & say things like “You need it – I can’t give you what you want” well, I don’t need it, but I like it – this is fun but if I met someone not so kinky, then I wouldn’t need to be here.. I am still here trying to fill that void, let’s not forget that fucking void in my heart still… But my kinky lifestyle will adapt to what the guy I am with enjoys too, it’s not all about me. I always enjoyed what Noodle & I did, it was different from every other guy & I had a lot of firsts with him (even though he never believed that!), so I was definitely never dissatisfied with him ever & I’m sure that if I had more time with Noodle & he was single, our kinkiness would’ve been a lot different, but we only had short times together with lots of car sex towards the end.

I can’t wait to go back to Rope, I do want to find a more permanent rigger so I can be suspended eventually & stop having just my wrist tied. I am also bruised for a few days from the rope just being on there for a short period of time. It was tight but I didn’t realise I would bruise like that so easily… I love a naughty bruise! (Not a hickey, but a fun thigh bruise!)Rope rise from the cold to reclaim.png

This is becoming something I like doing actually, so weirdly. It’s not about sex for me, I mean it could be but I like that it’s not just a sexual thing – especially at the classes. I don’t have a rigger, again so I am used a lot as the display bunny a lot of the time when I go, which has become weekly, giving up Mondays at the gym to be here. One time I get paired with this young single rigger. He’d never been before & I’m not claiming to be an expert, but he was a bit nervous but I got along with him, it wasn’t awkward like the first guy I ever got paired with.

He ties my wrist only for ages, he struggles to get the tie right, he just keeps saying how stupid he feels, it made me think that that’s how Noodle would feel & would act. So I reassure this guy to let him know he is doing a good job & that he’d get it. When he finally mastered the tie, he said he ‘felt like a king’ I literally laugh out loud. That’s so hilarious.

When he goes to the toilet, Ripples gets another rigger – lets call him Bor who was free to tie both my legs together to get me to feel that feeling. I explained to the guy that I bruise easily & he says that he can make sure I bruise, he trundles off & get a stick, I think what the actual fuck is he going to do with that, hit my shins? I’m not sure I’m ready for a stick to the shins… FUCK..

Anyway I trust the process & trust Ripples who has asked this guy, Bor, to do it. He ties both my legs together, really tight, I can feel that I am straining even when I try to straighten my legs a little. He then takes the stick & I think fuck, this is going to hurt, he is going to hit my shins. But he doesn’t. He slides the stick between the rope & twists. FUCK that bloody hurts. I’m wincing in agony but he just moves it up & down the rope at every join, doing the same.

I am in agony, but it’s a sweet weird agony. I enjoy it. I can feel that I am going to be majorly bruised from this. As he unties the rope I say that it hurts where one of the ropes have been & so he presses his finger into the dent & looks at me smiling – He reminds me of Noodle… SHIT. He then shows me why he has spiky wrist bands on, by using them to rub my sensitive skin from the rope. I love it & wonder to myself quietly, why the fuck I enjoy pain so much. I am so twisted. Hahaha.

I do bruise for 2 weeks after that, they are all over my legs that when it’s hot I have no choice but to wear a skirt where they all see the bruises asking me what the hell happened, I am honest with most people, because I am not hiding this side of me anymore. I mean if they are reading the blog, they will eventually read all about it anyway.

I probably won’t write about each week of rope as a blog post moving forward, but if something interesting happens, I will write about it – but I do go weekly. It’s technically not dating, but who knows what might happen! It might be that void filler I’ve been looking for… I miss chatting to Noodle but at least for one night of the week I don’t think about him.

#IBD4U

SleezeBall

At Rope, I was introduced to a few people that I knew were going to Sleezeball on Saturday night. Sleezeball is an event (or creepy dude… Hahaha), not a play party for sex but people do other types of play, such as rope or spanking, perhaps candle wax. I knew that the guy from Rope, let’s call him Ripples, was going to be there & I asked him to tie me up – he said he would. I thought this would be a good opportunity to try this out again. I was hoping there would be a few people from the chat app there too that I could hang out with & get to know in real life. I am trying to expand my friendship group & translate those friendships that I’ve made online to a real life setting. I honestly want to get off the chat apps at this point, I mean they seem to do more damage than good, but I also want to make new friendships & get away from anything online.

I had planned on going with a friend anyway, so even if Ripples wasn’t there, then it didn’t matter, I’d still just have a night out with some friends & it’d be fun. I got my dad to drop my friend & I into the city that night to save us money on taxi’s. We walk into the the venue, which I’d never been to before & it turns out that it is a teeny tiny venue, there aren’t many people there & I wonder if this was going to be a good night, since this will be the first experience of any sort of kink for my friend. She had mentioned she might want to come to a play party with me, but she was mainly vanilla from what I had heard from this relatively new friend.

I’m definitely no expert but I guess I’ve been getting more involved in this kind of thing to expand my life & also because I am still trying to fill the void, so many months later… Again mainly to fill my mind with thoughts other than Noodle fucking his now kinky partner & him fucking women alone… Fuck that hurts to think about… Why do I keep thinking about it? FUCK…

Anyway, I see a couple of people who run the Rope class & chat to them, most people are very welcoming to a new people, we have a few drinks & look around this tiny club. It’s a lot smaller than I expect so it doesn’t take us long to have a look at everything & find Ripples, who is going to tie me.

I introduce him to my friend & I feel a bit weird just hanging around waiting for him to tie me but he doesn’t know me really so I don’t want him to forget that he said he would tie me, so I feel a bit weird to be honest. I assume that there are so many people that want to be tied & are into this more than I am, plus people that he knows, so I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t tie me at all.

I must have a lot of trust in this guy, because now we’re in a setting with loud music & I can’t say much to him if I feel uncomfortable. But when he starts tying me, I automatically start to relax & it’s like my mind completely switches off, I can’t really hear the music either, all I can feel is the rope & the slight tugging & pulling as the rope caresses my skin. I will admit that this is the only time I really switch off, I actually imagine that this is Noodle tying me up (I know he would never learn to tie like this, but I imagine him doing it instead of this guy in front of me.) I have a moment, where I am just me. Not heartbroken, not really thinking about Noodle, just in the moment of feeling free of any thoughts.

Sleeze ball felt in your heart.png

I’ve seen other couples do this type of Rope, which I learn is called Shibari, & the bunnies seem to go into this ‘space’ where they are unaware of what is going on around them, I try to find this space, what they call ‘subspace’ but I can’t quite get there – I sort of do in a way, but not quite like I have seen. I mean I don’t really know this man, so yeah there are some trust issues, but I think when I see those bunnies go to that space, they are with someone they love & trust. I wish I had someone I love & trusted. It makes me realise, that I’m not scared to love again… I mean I know it’s not been long since Noodle shattered my heart twice & then we stopped talking, but I was so worried about becoming bitter again. After Boyfriend, I became so bitter & it has taken a long time for me to get out of the head space. I was so worried I would be bitter this time, but if you recall, the only reason I was bitter after Boyfriend was because we weren’t in love with each other & I guess I always thought we should. Paired with my fear of dying without being loved, I because a bitter old bitch… I am not scared of not being loved nor of dying alone, there are worse things in life, so I know now that I am open to something more. (Which is a good place to be!)

I enjoy the night, I don’t do anything else as in kink play at the nightclub, we dance a bit, we drink a lot & my friend tries to ‘pick up’ the bartender, getting his number before I organise for Blogger to pick us up – we all know how that night turned out.

I will admit that I did enjoy my first sleezeball, I would go again, they are on every year (The 2019 one is coming up!) It was something new, something fun, something I never would have done if I was with Noodle – not that that’s a bad thing, but I am glad for the new experiences. However, I still miss him like fucking crazy!

#IBD4U